To Let Her Bridesmaids Know What They’re Signing Up For, This Bride Decided To Explain Bridal Party Costs And Other Expectations In A “Transparency Letter”
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Getting married is a big step in a person’s life as you’re tying your future to one person and hoping that they are the right one. The wedding is also usually a big hassle and you would like for everything to be exactly perfect, just like you envisioned it. That can quickly lead to the bride becoming a bridezilla.
Bored Panda has already covered numerous stories of people shaming some brides that have unrealistic expectations, like this one bride who asked her bridesmaid to lose weight or this bride that had a list of expensive gifts she wanted to receive.
However, this time it’s a different story. TikToker @lisalovesrandom shared a ‘transparency letter’ she wrote to her bridesmaids in which she listed what is to be expected from them and people actually liked the idea, because it’s not a requirement list, just a heads up for the girls who would accept being a bridesmaid in the wedding.
A bride shared a ‘transparency letter’ in which she specified the financial and time commitments she expects from her bridesmaids and went viral on TikTok
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
The TikToker’s real name is Lisa Torres. She is a Texas girl who graduated with a Masters of Accountancy from Texas Lutheran University and now works as an auditor. She stitched a video in which a girl says she agreed to be a bridesmaid and only later realized that it will cost her a good amount of money and she will have to use all of her personal time off from work. That video got over 4 million views and over 800k people liked it.
Lisa is quite active on TikTok and recently has been sharing more wedding related videos, so if you would like to see that kind of content, you can follow her here. She also has an Istagram account that you can find here.
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
The idea came from participating in weddings as a bridesmaid herself and not knowing how much it would take to fulfill the role she had been given
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Lisa, having participated in weddings as a bridesmaid, related to the girl, because she also didn’t know before agreeing to it what it really meant and that it came with some time and financial responsibilities. And you couldn’t really know, because every bride is different and everyone expects different things from their bridesmaids.
Bored Panda asked Lisa where she got the idea for a ‘transparency letter’ and she told us, “There were a couple ladies I planned to ask to be a bridesmaid, and it would be their first experience in a wedding party. I wanted to give them the information I wish I had when I was in their shoes. I was also motivated by my friends complaining about their experiences while they were at a wedding party. Their complaints taught me how much costs and expectations can vary across each wedding party. This is why I thought transparency would be appropriate.”
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
The most important part of these expectations was that Lisa’s friends were free to decide not to be a bridesmaid and that it wouldn’t ruin their friendship
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
It was very thoughtful of Lisa, now that she is engaged, to prepare her bridesmaids for what’s coming or give them the opportunity to decline the offer before it’s too late. Lisa’s solution to that is a ‘transparency letter,’ as she puts it herself. It’s just a letter including what Lisa expects from her bridal party. She gave it to the people who she wanted to be her bridesmaids with the bridesmaid proposal box.
People can agree with the things she put in the letter or say that Lisa is asking too much, but the most important thing is the part where she says that the girls could say no to being a bridesmaid and Lisa would have no hard feelings. She even said that her friends could keep the gifts in the bridesmaid proposal box.
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Lisa wanted to focus on the bride’s transparency with her bridesmaids rather than on what she actually wrote in her letter
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
With this video, she just wanted to encourage brides to be transparent and not keep the bridesmaids guessing if they will have enough money or time to invest in their friend’s wedding. Everyone can write their own letters with their own requirements, just be prepared that not everyone will be able to fulfill them; “Let’s normalize being transparent about the costs associated with being in your wedding party and allowing our friends to decline being in a wedding party.“
One of Lisa’s friends actually declined to be a bridesmaid and they are still friends
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Lisa hasn’t heard of the other requirement lists from various bride-shaming groups, but she assumes that her letter is different from theirs because she included the option to decline to be a bridesmaid and promised that this wouldn’t ruin their friendship. One of her friends actually did that and Lisa told us that she was able to keep the promise.
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
In the letter, Lisa was clear what would be the bridesmaids’ responsibilities and what costs would be hers
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
In a follow-up video, Lisa shared the letter she has written for her bridesmaids. In that letter, we can see that Lisa wanted her bridesmaids to buy their dresses themselves, but she left the style of the dress up to them; Lisa just wanted a specific color. Also, the bridesmaids could wear their own shoes in a nude color and could decide if they wanted to buy a new dress or secondhand.
Another important point was that Lisa would pay for the bridesmaids’ hair and makeup. She also specified what other costs would be covered by her and for what things the bridesmaids would have to pay themselves.
In a frequently asked questions section, Lisa reassured her friends that they wouldn’t need to change their appearance for her wedding or postpone their life events, adding that if she asked for these things, it would be weird. And probably the key comment here was that if any of her friends didn’t want to be a bridesmaid, she wouldn’t get mad about it.
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Lisa thinks that the video went viral because it was relatable and because it was interesting for people from other cultures to know how weddings are organized in the US
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
When asked why this video in particular went viral on her page, Lisa had a good guess. “There were a bunch of people who had surprise costs and time commitments while they were a bridesmaid. There was a very strong, ‘I wish someone would’ve done this for me’ sentiment among people who had been bridesmaids before. People shared their tough bridesmaid experiences, and they all seemed to stem from a lack of clarity from the outset. Additionally, people resonated with the idea of the transparency letter and vowed to implement it when they would get married. It also went viral because many people outside of America did not realize that bridesmaids buying their own dress is a standard practice in the United States; this resulted in people sharing their wedding customs from their respective regions and cultures.”
The bride also added, “Thank you so much to everyone who taught me the different wedding customs and traditions from your respective regions and cultures.”
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
Image credits: lisalovesrandom
People in the comments of both videos had mixed reactions. A lot of them were praising Lisa for this idea and saying that this indicates healthy friendships and a mature personality. Others were focused on her requirements in the letter, saying that they would never ask their friends the things she was asking.
@lisalovesrandom##stitch with @stephanieberman7 I was scared to have a ##transparency letter in the ##bridesmaidproposalbox but it WORKED OUT. ##wedding ##weddingtiktok♬ original sound – Lisa 💙
Video credits: lisalovesrandom
What do you think about Lisa’s idea and her allowing her friends not to accept the offer to be a bridesmaid? What are your experiences of being a bride or a bridesmaid? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
People in the comments had mixed opinions: some focused on the content of the letter and thought Lisa was asking too much, but others found the idea of telling your bridesmaids what you expect from them in advance to be a smart one
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Really astonishing to see how many people apparently do not have the money to pay for their own extravagant wedding. Maybe dim it down a little...?
Exactly. Maybe focus on the future and the love between the couple, friends, and family.
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Organizing your wedding and expecting the public to spend 3months salary is like building a wall and expecting another country to pay for it. Same insanity. And some people live in a world where either or both of these makes sense to them; I don't but either me or them or both can be wrong.
Weddings have turned into a crazed spendathon- perhaps those who want to get married could showing some imagination and save all this BS for everyone. Buy a pretty dress from a normal shop. Go somewhere local and have some drinks- or camp out. Have the wedding at a friends house using their back garden. Have a picnic lunch and a tunes list played from an iPod. Put the money saved to the home you will be spending your lives together in. Get everyone to bring booze and enjoy yourselves without the usual expectations.
I just don't understand how this trend of bachelor/bachelorette parties has now become a mini-vacation. Cancun for a bachelorette party? For shits sake, just a little ridiculous. My daughter has to go two this summer, one in Florida, and One in Nashville.....She has started giving plasma to pay for these! I offered her the money, but she said no. Just have a good time...Really drives me crazy
It used to be a night out on the town. Either a week before or the night before.
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I've been a bridesmaid a number of times. I covered the dress and hair. But none of them required me to go on international travel or none cared two hoots in hell what my shoes looked like (they all provided accessories as the gift). They ALL chose either a dress style or a dress colour and left the rest up to us, and in most cases I ended up with a dress I could wear again. The rest of this is just ludicrous.
These days they have a weekend away, week away and a night out. People living in cities that where the hen and stag package weekends take place are sick and tired of seeing hen and stag parties every weekend.
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A "mandatory" trip to Mexico that the bridesmaids have to pay for? Uh, no thanks. I think this bride thinks she's being super laid back and nice with her "transparency letter" but what she's really doing is attempting to normalize expecting bridesmaids to shell out a bunch of money on things that have nothing to do with the actual wedding.
Makes me wonder what's not in the transparency letter that are requirements for the bridesmaids. Even the maid of honour gets too much to do when it comes to the organising of the wedding itself when she is only supposed to organise the bridal shower, dress fittings and hen night or weekend away. Hire a wedding planner who will help organise the bridal shower and hen night as well.
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You don't have to be like this. Being a bridesmaid can be simple and, hold on to your hats, so can weddings.
Once the bride just told me the dress color. She gave me a fabric sample...I got a dress (long.of the shoulder) of exactly the same color...it cost a little more than fifty dollars. I tailored it size and that was it.
That's the way to do it! We had an outdoor destination wedding, I only had a maid of honor. She volunteered to pay for her dress. She traveled for work and it was hard enough to get together for my dress. So I was fine with her picking out something of the rack. My color was burgundy but I said any color along that line, blush, was fine. She found a floral tea dress that was perfect and could wear it again! Her mom made a burgundy arm shawl and it dressed it up.
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The whole idea of spending the cost of a house on a wedding makes no sense to me, then expecting others to fork out the cost of a car to be a part of your wedding makes even less sense.
These big weddings are a joke when so many end up in divorce. If you have big bucks, have a fun honeymoon. If you insist on a big wedding, YOU, not your friends, not your family, but YOU pay for it.
On the one hand, yes, it's good to be transparent. But honestly, this whole thing with extravagant and expensive weddings being the "norm" is just ridiculous. It's supposed to be about the marriage, not the wedding day. I could never see spending 10s of 1000s on a wedding. That could go towards the cost of a home, or several amazing holiday experiences. Why all that money for one day? It's pointless and ridiculous.
I doubt if she is being fully transparent. What's not in the letter? Whenever I went to view accommodation and was given a list of rules straightaway that seemed reasonable I would ask myself what other rules there are and turn down the accommodation.
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When did destination bachelor/bachelorette parties become a thing? I don't remember anything like that when my cohort were getting married. Also, why does the entire bridal party have to come with you to shop for a dress? You either like the dress or you don't, why select it by committee?
It would never have occurred to me to force my entire bridal party to shop with me for a dress. Different people have different opinions about what looks good or is appropriate for a wedding. The only person I took with me was my mom. We spent weeks looking for the perfect dress. I remember the moment when I tried on that vision of satin and lace with the 12-foot train. She started crying and said, “Oh my gosh, this is your wedding dress!” Now that she’s gone, it’s one of my best memories of her and I’m so happy I didn’t have to share it with anyone else.
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I don’t think if they’re expected to shell out hundreds in a dress, shoes, and alterations they shouldn’t be required to go to the bachelorette trip too. I like her idea, but she is still being a tad unreasonable in the requests.
My niece was married recently and paid for the dresses, makeup , accessories shoes etc. The bridesmaids organised a hen party which anyone who attended contributed to. I think it’s a little unfair to ask anyone to pay for dresses, shoes etc that they most likely won’t wear again.
I was on board with her when she started out with the bridesmaid dresses, but then there was the destination bachelorette party. Even her "budget" bridesmaid experience will be costing each bridesmaid $1000plus dollars. It was unclear about the actual rehearsal dinner & wedding day expenses. I don't think this lady deserves any praise for being "transparent". Is she a bridezilla? No... but the whole thing is still ridiculous
I have never understood the expectation that bridesmaids should have to pay to be part of a wedding. I was grateful that my friends were part of my day. I bought their dresses and paid for their hair. They did their own makeup and provided their own white shoes. We went out for a few drinks a couple days before the wedding, but I would never have expected them to take time off work or pay for a trip. Being a bridesmaid is a favor to the bride, and should be treated as such.
I didn't have bridesmaids, and there were literally only 38 people at our wedding - including the bride and groom. I had a matron of honor and when she asked about a dress, I told her to wear her favorite dress. Easy. My MIL was wondering what she should wear and I told her that it should be something that made her feel fantastic.
I didnt have bridesmaids either. And my "matron" of honour was my brother as my "man" of honour. And hubby had his best man, so we hired four suits (to include father of the bride). Think we only had about 30-35 people present too.
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The bride explained: they are the sponsors to pay for everything the bride wants but can't afford.
Load More Replies... Am I the only one who doesn't think it's unreasonable to ask a bridesmaid to pay for her own dress ? If you go through a website like Azazie it's not too expensive and you get a cute special occasions dress for later use. If it's within reason I don't see a problem with it. I think it's a little narrow-minded and even a bit entitled to claim a bride shouldn't have a wedding if she can't pay for all her bridesmaids as well. She's already fronting costs for food, venue, her own dress, photography, flowers, and any extra accoutrements she so desires. She's specifically chosen her closest friends to share this special day with her and wants them to look nice in the pictures. My best friend had a small backyard wedding with a potluck style dinner made by her family and photo services donated as a gift by a friend, and still there would have been no way to pay for five bridesmaid dresses as well. I don't see a problem in asking them to help out just a bit by getting their own dresses.
Instead of normalising the expectations on the bridesmaids, can we normalise not placing those expectations in the first place? If a friend was making demands like that of me on condition of being part of their wedding, it would make me rethink how they viewed the friendship
I was lost at "gifts in bridesmaids proposal box". I'm so glad we had a tiny wedding with our families, about 10 people. We went to the registry office, and we had a lunch with our families. I wore a dress I bought years before and still wear it and love it. If you marry the right person, the wedding is just the beginning. Sharing a live is so much more precious than a big party.
hey, how about having a simple ceremony and reception with close friends and relatives to celebrate the beginning of your life with your new husband/wife/partner.. and then if you want something extravagant to feel important you can throw yourself an entitled me party after your marriage has made it passed 5 years!
This is something I've never understood - how some women think that the status of "bride" entitles them to the status of Queen Bee Dictator within their friend group for a year. Why have bridesmaids? Or why not treat them like groomsmen, people who just show up for a couple of parties and the wedding itself?
Brides should be organising the wedding with their mothers if they are still around. If it's too much for her then have a smaller wedding or pay a wedding planner rather than treat her bridesmaids like unpaid employees.
Load More Replies... im glad im not the only one who did this kinda thing. i didnt write a letter but i told my bridesmaids that their dresses just had to b a certain color and floor length from davids bridal so the color matched but the dress was completely their choice otherwise. davids bridal had some good deals and no way was i asking them to get their dresses at kleinfelds like i did. too expensive i wouldnt ask that of them. i also said i didnt want a huge bachlorette party i didnt want them breaking the bank for me a get together at someone house wouldve been fine they took me to a vineyard anyways but at least it wasnt some big expensive party. i also paid for hair and makeup and it was all done at my house same with getting changed so their dresses didnt get wrinkled. i also got them matching silver bracelets. and i asked each one if theyd like to b a bridesmaid only 1 of them said no but not bc she didnt want to its bc she is immune compromised which i felt bad that i forgot about that but she was happy i asked anyways and said if it was a different time she wouldve said yes. being considerate to ur bridesmaids always makes things go smoother and everyone is happy and can enjoy themselves
I guess I really was a laid back bride, because this is still too much for me. Yes we had a big wedding because we both have huge families, but our priorities were to get legally married and have fun with our families. For my bridesmaids, I just told them go to David’s bridal and get a long purple dress-no one spent over $100 but my sister because she’s extra. The shoes they wore were $25 kitten heels, and I even bought one of my bridesmaids her shoes because she struggled to find her size in time. Helped another pay for alterations to her dress last minute. We had my bacherlotte at my sisters house because it was closer for most of them to travel, I’m the one who traveled furthest to make it easier. And nothing but showing up for the wedding/confirming you had everything and would show up rehearsal and wedding was required. I guess I was too busy finishing law school and going to work the weekend after the wedding to care about the other frivolous stuff ✨
I picked out dresses that could be worn again, from a site that did custom sizing (eShkati). I let my girls choose their own customizations; length, sleeve styles, neck style. I found coupon codes for new customers. I paid for the dresses & shoes. I did the hair(I'm a stylist) & we grouped together for the makeup. My ceremony was casual ( in a park) but everyone looked awesome for less than $50 each. We even loaned the groomsmen that didn't have a black suit ( my husband has multiple). Everyone was clothed for less than $700 (including me!).
This is why I didn't have bridesmaids. Admittedly, planning alone was a lot harder than I anticipated and I was sad not to have a bachelorette-type party, but I couldn't bare putting my friends through this garbage.
I had to attend a cousin's wedding and we were born just five months apart and are really close. But getting a dress for her wedding wasn't easy for me. I asked a friend for her help and she did more than that. She lent me the dress she wore at her sister's wedding. It was beautiful and didn't cost me anything. Few years later that friend wore my dress to her friend's wedding.
Must be an American thing. In the UK we would never dream of asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses. In fact it would deemed more than rude if you asked for them to pay for anything. It appears very self-centered and arrogant in the fact she thinks she is "helping" them by giving them some frredom.
Good to know. Here, it does not come across that way, but quite the opposite.
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In the UK the bride and groom / family pay for all the bridesmaids dresses hair tiaras make up travel . EVERYTHING …. Why is it others don’t , I find this very strange .
This is so weird. I'm from the Netherlands, I had one bridesmaid ('witness') and two friends helping out with the ceremonial preparations. They both received budget to spend on whatever they wanted - which resulted in us getting a lot of very pleasant surprises. They could wear whatever they wanted, I paid for hair and make-up.
When did a bride's wedding prep become this... huge? I mean, geez. Spend it on a house, or paying down student debt. You can party fine at home on the cheap, see a judge, and not be in debt or stressed out.... Yes, I know, I know, "HER DAY", but honestly, I just went to a jjudge and had a couple friends as witnesses, and we got around to a honeymoon about 10 years later.
There is a saying: "The more that is spend on a wedding, the less happy the marriage will be." Kind of makes sense, since spending a lot on wedding is an indication that the focus is likely to be at the wrong place due to an insecure person. If you have to flash your money to feel good, or be in control of everything, you are probably not a person that is easy to live with. If you spend more than you can affort on a party instead of investing in your future by buying a proper home, then you are not likely the person that cares that much for you family/relationship. For me the relations with my family or friends is more important than the colour or fabric of a dress, and I want the participants in a party I am holding to feel comfortable and happy. You see celebs having these fancy weddings where no expense is spared, only to be divorced a few years or even months later. Why would you like to copy that?
Even if I think it's weird to have a wedding in a holiday location instead of your home area (which makes it more expensive and time consuming for all) I think her approach is the way to go BUT I would prefer talks instead of letters especially since normally it is a friend.
I'm impressed she is paying for hair/makeup for each bridesmaid. That's awesome. The last one I was in, I had to pay for my own. I paid for hair, I can do my own makeup - that costs anywhere from $60-120 for makeup alone. I'm impressed with the level of reason and honesty in the letter. 10/10 classy.
I have to thank the culture in my country that bridesmaids do not exist. You have one freind at your side, as a witness, that's it. maybe a trip or a party befoerhand, but no matching dresses, no gifts, none of that insane nonsense.
Over here (PH), most wedding couples cover expenses related to bridesmaids (what to wear and makeup, etc.) and they only needed to attend the wedding.
When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids to wear something black- dress, pants, old, new, it didn't matter- I was just honored that they would be standing with us. Trying to normalize asking friends to spend more of their money on your wedding than on their families or themselves is pathetic.
Traditionally bridesmaids pay for their own dresses & shoes etc, it's been like that here for as long as I can remember. And the cost of the bachelorette party. I know several women who have been bridesmaids several times and almost none of the dresses are things they'd ever wear again. When I got married I had 1 bridesmaid and I told her I didn't care what she wore, as long as it wasn't jeans. No bachelorette party. If I got married again now, I might do a party, but just a simple night. Definitely not a full-blown trip.
I wanted everything cheap for the party and reusable- black pants that hopefully was already in their closet (both genders), flip flops, and a Hawaiian shirt like 25 bucks. We paid for one person's as she stepped in last minute. Nobody did their hair and makeup unless they wanted to. I originally wanted khaki skirts from Old Navy or white linen pants, but each was vetoed by 2 bridesmaids with "It will look crappy on us" and that's why I agreed with no questions/arguing to come up with other plans. It was hard to figure out 4 ladies, two 5 ft 1 redheads sizes 18 and 22, a 4 '11 Hispanic who was bigger than that, and a 5'6 caucasian size 8. Then called a bridezilla. So, that and other issues caused me to tell them they were no longer in the party.
I didn’t have a bridesmaid because I couldn’t afford to buy another dress. Just saying my wedding matched my budget.
I got married at city hall. The following year we had saved enough to have a nice reception party at a restaurant I really liked. Everyone had a great time. Lots of food. Open bar. I set up a small gift table and card box in case anyone wanted to bring something but they didn't have to. This was for about 60 people. Mostly his side. Lots of out of state. But within a days drive. I felt bad looking back I didn't recommend a hotel nearby or something. I couldn't think of everything either. I supposed a bridal party would have helped me plan it out better even though it was a dinner party. This august is 15 years together and sept is 6 years married. We are just best friends.
What's up with this whole bridesmaids thing anyway? Where I live, we just invite our friends to our wedding, no obligations whatsoever. You can wear what you want and you don't have any tasks on the wedding day. Unless you're a witness of the bride or groom. In that case you just have to place your autograph on the wedding documents.
It's usually the parents of the bride and groom who sort out problems at the ceremony and reception. They are paying for it so they want to see it run smoothly and have had experience of their own weddings. A bridesmaid wouldn't have.
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We paid for the bride's maids' dresses (In one case for the fabric for her mom to recreated it due to limited sizing) they did their own hair and make-up and accessories as they liked. But I did my own make-up and my hair was at a basic salon, like under $50 so I wasn't expecting anything extravagant. My whole wedding and reception were cheaper than most dresses are these days and my mom pushed me to do what I wanted and not worry about the cost. I don't know why people need such expensive, extravagant weddings.
Well I sure am glad that these excessively big weddings aren't really a thing here
My wedding dress cost 100€ and the wedding celebration itself about 2000€. Our guests consistet of my and my husbands immediate family, which were 11 guests plus my husband and I.
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It's still too much, I was happy when people showed up. Dressed just like they wanted, with or without makeup, with or without hair done, it didn't matter. These things do not matter. The only thing that does matter is that you and your guests have a great time, no burden
The one who makes the decition has to pay the cost. If you have no dresscode for your bridesmaids, then it is perfectly fine to have them pay for their own dress ...if they want to else you should let them wear what they already have (just like the rest of the guests do). If the bride wants them to wear a very specific dress, that they will probably only wear this one time, the bride should bear the cost of fulfilling her own wishes. Setting some requirements, (like a specific colour) but still leaving an opening for style/interpretation is a grayzone, where who is to pay the cost is up for negosiation. I would say it depends on how easily the requirement is to fulfill (e.g. does the bridsmaid already own such a piece of clothing) and wheather the bridesmaid may get a second or third use of the item. Giving the bridemaids an option to bail out with a good conscience is a good way to have a bit higher requirements, since it leaves a way out if she cannot accept your "deal".
I don't quite understand what a bridesmaid is, can someone explain?
Great idea to a really bad, capitalist normalisation of ridiculous expectations. And the whole North American bride thing is just very tacky. Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the bride's expenses: this includes all bridesmaids clothes & expenses - accommodation, hair, make-up, flowers for church/ceremony, wedding reception/s, cars, rehearsal dinner. The groom pays for the church, his bestman (no such thing as 'groomsmen' that's just a marketing ploy), stag night (although the best man in reality does pay as it often involves surprises; and the honeymoon. A maid of Honour is not supposed to be a maid of the credit card spending her hard-earned on making the bride look financially better than she otherwise would. True, this isn't the worst of the 'bridezilla' horror stories, but if you cant afford it, you shouldn't be expecting others to subsidise you. Cut your cloth according to your means. You'll have forgotten it all in 5 years and be divorced within 10! Because if all this stuff means so much to you, you ain't ready to give it up, you're getting married for these events not the afterwards.
They are too mean to fork out for professional wedding planners as well.
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Tell me again how weddings are about the love between two people? LMAO.
I never asked my Bride's maids to pay for anything but their dresses, and two of my wedding party are my own kids, so I am obviously paying for theirs. For everyone that thinks it's weird, it's not. When you plan a wedding you pay for everything else, but I am also super laid back, we found dresses on amazon for stupid cheap, like double digits cheap under $50 if I remember correctly. I paid for their flowers and everything else. I told them do whatever you want with hair / makeup, I'm not even getting a hair / makeup person for me. I refuse to pay 100's of dollars for one day when I can do it myself. lol. But I have not once asked them to help with invitations (other than my MoH which is my 20 yr old daughter) or anything else, that's all on me. I have done everything so far, and IF they offer to help great. So all in all, they're spending maybe $50. I don't want a shower or any of that.
There are countries where, fortunately, the concept of bridesmaids doesn't exist: You pay for your own dress or suit and give the amount of money you can spare to the couple. Other than that, bride and groom pay for EVERYTHING, it's THEIR celebration! If you have to get married at 21 but basically can't afford a thing - don't. Wait a few more years and save some cash.
Royal weddings in the UK had only little flower girls and young teenage bridesmaids who aren't expected to dress the bride before the wedding. That's the job of her mother, stylist and hair dresser. And the wedding planner sorts out problems occuring at the ceremony and reception. It's not the maid of honour's job to put drunk guests to bed.
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I actually like the fact she did this. It gives the friends the opportunity to say yes or no. I hate bridezillas that blindside the wedding guests and wedding party with unreasonable costs and commitments. This is honest, open and allows for negotiation. As far as the cost to the bridesmaids, depends on what party you come from. Some pay for everything, others have the bridesmaids contribute. I also applaud her for taking the time to research costs so the friends can make an informed decision.
Yes but she would have other requirements that she hasn't stipulated.
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Another obnoxious in-your-face Tik-Tok post. BP would do well to stop publishing this kind of rubbish.
I like this bride though. Refreshing break after all those bridezillas.
I think this (the bride-to-be's plans) is totally fine, and a great idea (the transparency letter)! I think I'll do this whenever I get married, and since I am and will always be dirt poor, I won't make it extremely grand or anything, but my (very few, probably) bridesmaids might have to pay for things like hair & makeup, or dresses (although probably not both). But everyone can have their own opinions and their own weddings/wedding plans! If you think the marrying couple, who are already forking out a ton of money for the decorations, events, and their own clothing should also pay for everything that everyone directly involved with the wedding will have (lol), that's just fine. If you think the bridesmaids/groomsmen should pay for everything they'll have and only let the marrying couple pay for the wedding stuff, that's fine too! ^u^
Really astonishing to see how many people apparently do not have the money to pay for their own extravagant wedding. Maybe dim it down a little...?
Exactly. Maybe focus on the future and the love between the couple, friends, and family.
Load More Replies... Organizing your wedding and expecting the public to spend 3months salary is like building a wall and expecting another country to pay for it. Same insanity. And some people live in a world where either or both of these makes sense to them; I don't but either me or them or both can be wrong.
Weddings have turned into a crazed spendathon- perhaps those who want to get married could showing some imagination and save all this BS for everyone. Buy a pretty dress from a normal shop. Go somewhere local and have some drinks- or camp out. Have the wedding at a friends house using their back garden. Have a picnic lunch and a tunes list played from an iPod. Put the money saved to the home you will be spending your lives together in. Get everyone to bring booze and enjoy yourselves without the usual expectations.
I just don't understand how this trend of bachelor/bachelorette parties has now become a mini-vacation. Cancun for a bachelorette party? For shits sake, just a little ridiculous. My daughter has to go two this summer, one in Florida, and One in Nashville.....She has started giving plasma to pay for these! I offered her the money, but she said no. Just have a good time...Really drives me crazy
It used to be a night out on the town. Either a week before or the night before.
Load More Replies... I've been a bridesmaid a number of times. I covered the dress and hair. But none of them required me to go on international travel or none cared two hoots in hell what my shoes looked like (they all provided accessories as the gift). They ALL chose either a dress style or a dress colour and left the rest up to us, and in most cases I ended up with a dress I could wear again. The rest of this is just ludicrous.
These days they have a weekend away, week away and a night out. People living in cities that where the hen and stag package weekends take place are sick and tired of seeing hen and stag parties every weekend.
Load More Replies... A "mandatory" trip to Mexico that the bridesmaids have to pay for? Uh, no thanks. I think this bride thinks she's being super laid back and nice with her "transparency letter" but what she's really doing is attempting to normalize expecting bridesmaids to shell out a bunch of money on things that have nothing to do with the actual wedding.
Makes me wonder what's not in the transparency letter that are requirements for the bridesmaids. Even the maid of honour gets too much to do when it comes to the organising of the wedding itself when she is only supposed to organise the bridal shower, dress fittings and hen night or weekend away. Hire a wedding planner who will help organise the bridal shower and hen night as well.
Load More Replies... You don't have to be like this. Being a bridesmaid can be simple and, hold on to your hats, so can weddings.
Once the bride just told me the dress color. She gave me a fabric sample...I got a dress (long.of the shoulder) of exactly the same color...it cost a little more than fifty dollars. I tailored it size and that was it.
That's the way to do it! We had an outdoor destination wedding, I only had a maid of honor. She volunteered to pay for her dress. She traveled for work and it was hard enough to get together for my dress. So I was fine with her picking out something of the rack. My color was burgundy but I said any color along that line, blush, was fine. She found a floral tea dress that was perfect and could wear it again! Her mom made a burgundy arm shawl and it dressed it up.
Load More Replies... The whole idea of spending the cost of a house on a wedding makes no sense to me, then expecting others to fork out the cost of a car to be a part of your wedding makes even less sense.
These big weddings are a joke when so many end up in divorce. If you have big bucks, have a fun honeymoon. If you insist on a big wedding, YOU, not your friends, not your family, but YOU pay for it.
On the one hand, yes, it's good to be transparent. But honestly, this whole thing with extravagant and expensive weddings being the "norm" is just ridiculous. It's supposed to be about the marriage, not the wedding day. I could never see spending 10s of 1000s on a wedding. That could go towards the cost of a home, or several amazing holiday experiences. Why all that money for one day? It's pointless and ridiculous.
I doubt if she is being fully transparent. What's not in the letter? Whenever I went to view accommodation and was given a list of rules straightaway that seemed reasonable I would ask myself what other rules there are and turn down the accommodation.
Load More Replies... When did destination bachelor/bachelorette parties become a thing? I don't remember anything like that when my cohort were getting married. Also, why does the entire bridal party have to come with you to shop for a dress? You either like the dress or you don't, why select it by committee?
It would never have occurred to me to force my entire bridal party to shop with me for a dress. Different people have different opinions about what looks good or is appropriate for a wedding. The only person I took with me was my mom. We spent weeks looking for the perfect dress. I remember the moment when I tried on that vision of satin and lace with the 12-foot train. She started crying and said, “Oh my gosh, this is your wedding dress!” Now that she’s gone, it’s one of my best memories of her and I’m so happy I didn’t have to share it with anyone else.
Load More Replies... I don’t think if they’re expected to shell out hundreds in a dress, shoes, and alterations they shouldn’t be required to go to the bachelorette trip too. I like her idea, but she is still being a tad unreasonable in the requests.
My niece was married recently and paid for the dresses, makeup , accessories shoes etc. The bridesmaids organised a hen party which anyone who attended contributed to. I think it’s a little unfair to ask anyone to pay for dresses, shoes etc that they most likely won’t wear again.
I was on board with her when she started out with the bridesmaid dresses, but then there was the destination bachelorette party. Even her "budget" bridesmaid experience will be costing each bridesmaid $1000plus dollars. It was unclear about the actual rehearsal dinner & wedding day expenses. I don't think this lady deserves any praise for being "transparent". Is she a bridezilla? No... but the whole thing is still ridiculous
I have never understood the expectation that bridesmaids should have to pay to be part of a wedding. I was grateful that my friends were part of my day. I bought their dresses and paid for their hair. They did their own makeup and provided their own white shoes. We went out for a few drinks a couple days before the wedding, but I would never have expected them to take time off work or pay for a trip. Being a bridesmaid is a favor to the bride, and should be treated as such.
I didn't have bridesmaids, and there were literally only 38 people at our wedding - including the bride and groom. I had a matron of honor and when she asked about a dress, I told her to wear her favorite dress. Easy. My MIL was wondering what she should wear and I told her that it should be something that made her feel fantastic.
I didnt have bridesmaids either. And my "matron" of honour was my brother as my "man" of honour. And hubby had his best man, so we hired four suits (to include father of the bride). Think we only had about 30-35 people present too.
Load More Replies... The bride explained: they are the sponsors to pay for everything the bride wants but can't afford.
Load More Replies... Am I the only one who doesn't think it's unreasonable to ask a bridesmaid to pay for her own dress ? If you go through a website like Azazie it's not too expensive and you get a cute special occasions dress for later use. If it's within reason I don't see a problem with it. I think it's a little narrow-minded and even a bit entitled to claim a bride shouldn't have a wedding if she can't pay for all her bridesmaids as well. She's already fronting costs for food, venue, her own dress, photography, flowers, and any extra accoutrements she so desires. She's specifically chosen her closest friends to share this special day with her and wants them to look nice in the pictures. My best friend had a small backyard wedding with a potluck style dinner made by her family and photo services donated as a gift by a friend, and still there would have been no way to pay for five bridesmaid dresses as well. I don't see a problem in asking them to help out just a bit by getting their own dresses.
Instead of normalising the expectations on the bridesmaids, can we normalise not placing those expectations in the first place? If a friend was making demands like that of me on condition of being part of their wedding, it would make me rethink how they viewed the friendship
I was lost at "gifts in bridesmaids proposal box". I'm so glad we had a tiny wedding with our families, about 10 people. We went to the registry office, and we had a lunch with our families. I wore a dress I bought years before and still wear it and love it. If you marry the right person, the wedding is just the beginning. Sharing a live is so much more precious than a big party.
hey, how about having a simple ceremony and reception with close friends and relatives to celebrate the beginning of your life with your new husband/wife/partner.. and then if you want something extravagant to feel important you can throw yourself an entitled me party after your marriage has made it passed 5 years!
This is something I've never understood - how some women think that the status of "bride" entitles them to the status of Queen Bee Dictator within their friend group for a year. Why have bridesmaids? Or why not treat them like groomsmen, people who just show up for a couple of parties and the wedding itself?
Brides should be organising the wedding with their mothers if they are still around. If it's too much for her then have a smaller wedding or pay a wedding planner rather than treat her bridesmaids like unpaid employees.
Load More Replies... im glad im not the only one who did this kinda thing. i didnt write a letter but i told my bridesmaids that their dresses just had to b a certain color and floor length from davids bridal so the color matched but the dress was completely their choice otherwise. davids bridal had some good deals and no way was i asking them to get their dresses at kleinfelds like i did. too expensive i wouldnt ask that of them. i also said i didnt want a huge bachlorette party i didnt want them breaking the bank for me a get together at someone house wouldve been fine they took me to a vineyard anyways but at least it wasnt some big expensive party. i also paid for hair and makeup and it was all done at my house same with getting changed so their dresses didnt get wrinkled. i also got them matching silver bracelets. and i asked each one if theyd like to b a bridesmaid only 1 of them said no but not bc she didnt want to its bc she is immune compromised which i felt bad that i forgot about that but she was happy i asked anyways and said if it was a different time she wouldve said yes. being considerate to ur bridesmaids always makes things go smoother and everyone is happy and can enjoy themselves
I guess I really was a laid back bride, because this is still too much for me. Yes we had a big wedding because we both have huge families, but our priorities were to get legally married and have fun with our families. For my bridesmaids, I just told them go to David’s bridal and get a long purple dress-no one spent over $100 but my sister because she’s extra. The shoes they wore were $25 kitten heels, and I even bought one of my bridesmaids her shoes because she struggled to find her size in time. Helped another pay for alterations to her dress last minute. We had my bacherlotte at my sisters house because it was closer for most of them to travel, I’m the one who traveled furthest to make it easier. And nothing but showing up for the wedding/confirming you had everything and would show up rehearsal and wedding was required. I guess I was too busy finishing law school and going to work the weekend after the wedding to care about the other frivolous stuff ✨
I picked out dresses that could be worn again, from a site that did custom sizing (eShkati). I let my girls choose their own customizations; length, sleeve styles, neck style. I found coupon codes for new customers. I paid for the dresses & shoes. I did the hair(I'm a stylist) & we grouped together for the makeup. My ceremony was casual ( in a park) but everyone looked awesome for less than $50 each. We even loaned the groomsmen that didn't have a black suit ( my husband has multiple). Everyone was clothed for less than $700 (including me!).
This is why I didn't have bridesmaids. Admittedly, planning alone was a lot harder than I anticipated and I was sad not to have a bachelorette-type party, but I couldn't bare putting my friends through this garbage.
I had to attend a cousin's wedding and we were born just five months apart and are really close. But getting a dress for her wedding wasn't easy for me. I asked a friend for her help and she did more than that. She lent me the dress she wore at her sister's wedding. It was beautiful and didn't cost me anything. Few years later that friend wore my dress to her friend's wedding.
Must be an American thing. In the UK we would never dream of asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses. In fact it would deemed more than rude if you asked for them to pay for anything. It appears very self-centered and arrogant in the fact she thinks she is "helping" them by giving them some frredom.
Good to know. Here, it does not come across that way, but quite the opposite.
Load More Replies... In the UK the bride and groom / family pay for all the bridesmaids dresses hair tiaras make up travel . EVERYTHING …. Why is it others don’t , I find this very strange .
This is so weird. I'm from the Netherlands, I had one bridesmaid ('witness') and two friends helping out with the ceremonial preparations. They both received budget to spend on whatever they wanted - which resulted in us getting a lot of very pleasant surprises. They could wear whatever they wanted, I paid for hair and make-up.
When did a bride's wedding prep become this... huge? I mean, geez. Spend it on a house, or paying down student debt. You can party fine at home on the cheap, see a judge, and not be in debt or stressed out.... Yes, I know, I know, "HER DAY", but honestly, I just went to a jjudge and had a couple friends as witnesses, and we got around to a honeymoon about 10 years later.
There is a saying: "The more that is spend on a wedding, the less happy the marriage will be." Kind of makes sense, since spending a lot on wedding is an indication that the focus is likely to be at the wrong place due to an insecure person. If you have to flash your money to feel good, or be in control of everything, you are probably not a person that is easy to live with. If you spend more than you can affort on a party instead of investing in your future by buying a proper home, then you are not likely the person that cares that much for you family/relationship. For me the relations with my family or friends is more important than the colour or fabric of a dress, and I want the participants in a party I am holding to feel comfortable and happy. You see celebs having these fancy weddings where no expense is spared, only to be divorced a few years or even months later. Why would you like to copy that?
Even if I think it's weird to have a wedding in a holiday location instead of your home area (which makes it more expensive and time consuming for all) I think her approach is the way to go BUT I would prefer talks instead of letters especially since normally it is a friend.
I'm impressed she is paying for hair/makeup for each bridesmaid. That's awesome. The last one I was in, I had to pay for my own. I paid for hair, I can do my own makeup - that costs anywhere from $60-120 for makeup alone. I'm impressed with the level of reason and honesty in the letter. 10/10 classy.
I have to thank the culture in my country that bridesmaids do not exist. You have one freind at your side, as a witness, that's it. maybe a trip or a party befoerhand, but no matching dresses, no gifts, none of that insane nonsense.
Over here (PH), most wedding couples cover expenses related to bridesmaids (what to wear and makeup, etc.) and they only needed to attend the wedding.
When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids to wear something black- dress, pants, old, new, it didn't matter- I was just honored that they would be standing with us. Trying to normalize asking friends to spend more of their money on your wedding than on their families or themselves is pathetic.
Traditionally bridesmaids pay for their own dresses & shoes etc, it's been like that here for as long as I can remember. And the cost of the bachelorette party. I know several women who have been bridesmaids several times and almost none of the dresses are things they'd ever wear again. When I got married I had 1 bridesmaid and I told her I didn't care what she wore, as long as it wasn't jeans. No bachelorette party. If I got married again now, I might do a party, but just a simple night. Definitely not a full-blown trip.
I wanted everything cheap for the party and reusable- black pants that hopefully was already in their closet (both genders), flip flops, and a Hawaiian shirt like 25 bucks. We paid for one person's as she stepped in last minute. Nobody did their hair and makeup unless they wanted to. I originally wanted khaki skirts from Old Navy or white linen pants, but each was vetoed by 2 bridesmaids with "It will look crappy on us" and that's why I agreed with no questions/arguing to come up with other plans. It was hard to figure out 4 ladies, two 5 ft 1 redheads sizes 18 and 22, a 4 '11 Hispanic who was bigger than that, and a 5'6 caucasian size 8. Then called a bridezilla. So, that and other issues caused me to tell them they were no longer in the party.
I didn’t have a bridesmaid because I couldn’t afford to buy another dress. Just saying my wedding matched my budget.
I got married at city hall. The following year we had saved enough to have a nice reception party at a restaurant I really liked. Everyone had a great time. Lots of food. Open bar. I set up a small gift table and card box in case anyone wanted to bring something but they didn't have to. This was for about 60 people. Mostly his side. Lots of out of state. But within a days drive. I felt bad looking back I didn't recommend a hotel nearby or something. I couldn't think of everything either. I supposed a bridal party would have helped me plan it out better even though it was a dinner party. This august is 15 years together and sept is 6 years married. We are just best friends.
What's up with this whole bridesmaids thing anyway? Where I live, we just invite our friends to our wedding, no obligations whatsoever. You can wear what you want and you don't have any tasks on the wedding day. Unless you're a witness of the bride or groom. In that case you just have to place your autograph on the wedding documents.
It's usually the parents of the bride and groom who sort out problems at the ceremony and reception. They are paying for it so they want to see it run smoothly and have had experience of their own weddings. A bridesmaid wouldn't have.
Load More Replies... We paid for the bride's maids' dresses (In one case for the fabric for her mom to recreated it due to limited sizing) they did their own hair and make-up and accessories as they liked. But I did my own make-up and my hair was at a basic salon, like under $50 so I wasn't expecting anything extravagant. My whole wedding and reception were cheaper than most dresses are these days and my mom pushed me to do what I wanted and not worry about the cost. I don't know why people need such expensive, extravagant weddings.
Well I sure am glad that these excessively big weddings aren't really a thing here
My wedding dress cost 100€ and the wedding celebration itself about 2000€. Our guests consistet of my and my husbands immediate family, which were 11 guests plus my husband and I.
Load More Replies... It's still too much, I was happy when people showed up. Dressed just like they wanted, with or without makeup, with or without hair done, it didn't matter. These things do not matter. The only thing that does matter is that you and your guests have a great time, no burden
The one who makes the decition has to pay the cost. If you have no dresscode for your bridesmaids, then it is perfectly fine to have them pay for their own dress ...if they want to else you should let them wear what they already have (just like the rest of the guests do). If the bride wants them to wear a very specific dress, that they will probably only wear this one time, the bride should bear the cost of fulfilling her own wishes. Setting some requirements, (like a specific colour) but still leaving an opening for style/interpretation is a grayzone, where who is to pay the cost is up for negosiation. I would say it depends on how easily the requirement is to fulfill (e.g. does the bridsmaid already own such a piece of clothing) and wheather the bridesmaid may get a second or third use of the item. Giving the bridemaids an option to bail out with a good conscience is a good way to have a bit higher requirements, since it leaves a way out if she cannot accept your "deal".
I don't quite understand what a bridesmaid is, can someone explain?
Great idea to a really bad, capitalist normalisation of ridiculous expectations. And the whole North American bride thing is just very tacky. Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the bride's expenses: this includes all bridesmaids clothes & expenses - accommodation, hair, make-up, flowers for church/ceremony, wedding reception/s, cars, rehearsal dinner. The groom pays for the church, his bestman (no such thing as 'groomsmen' that's just a marketing ploy), stag night (although the best man in reality does pay as it often involves surprises; and the honeymoon. A maid of Honour is not supposed to be a maid of the credit card spending her hard-earned on making the bride look financially better than she otherwise would. True, this isn't the worst of the 'bridezilla' horror stories, but if you cant afford it, you shouldn't be expecting others to subsidise you. Cut your cloth according to your means. You'll have forgotten it all in 5 years and be divorced within 10! Because if all this stuff means so much to you, you ain't ready to give it up, you're getting married for these events not the afterwards.
They are too mean to fork out for professional wedding planners as well.
Load More Replies... Tell me again how weddings are about the love between two people? LMAO.
I never asked my Bride's maids to pay for anything but their dresses, and two of my wedding party are my own kids, so I am obviously paying for theirs. For everyone that thinks it's weird, it's not. When you plan a wedding you pay for everything else, but I am also super laid back, we found dresses on amazon for stupid cheap, like double digits cheap under $50 if I remember correctly. I paid for their flowers and everything else. I told them do whatever you want with hair / makeup, I'm not even getting a hair / makeup person for me. I refuse to pay 100's of dollars for one day when I can do it myself. lol. But I have not once asked them to help with invitations (other than my MoH which is my 20 yr old daughter) or anything else, that's all on me. I have done everything so far, and IF they offer to help great. So all in all, they're spending maybe $50. I don't want a shower or any of that.
There are countries where, fortunately, the concept of bridesmaids doesn't exist: You pay for your own dress or suit and give the amount of money you can spare to the couple. Other than that, bride and groom pay for EVERYTHING, it's THEIR celebration! If you have to get married at 21 but basically can't afford a thing - don't. Wait a few more years and save some cash.
Royal weddings in the UK had only little flower girls and young teenage bridesmaids who aren't expected to dress the bride before the wedding. That's the job of her mother, stylist and hair dresser. And the wedding planner sorts out problems occuring at the ceremony and reception. It's not the maid of honour's job to put drunk guests to bed.
Load More Replies... I actually like the fact she did this. It gives the friends the opportunity to say yes or no. I hate bridezillas that blindside the wedding guests and wedding party with unreasonable costs and commitments. This is honest, open and allows for negotiation. As far as the cost to the bridesmaids, depends on what party you come from. Some pay for everything, others have the bridesmaids contribute. I also applaud her for taking the time to research costs so the friends can make an informed decision.
Yes but she would have other requirements that she hasn't stipulated.
Load More Replies... Another obnoxious in-your-face Tik-Tok post. BP would do well to stop publishing this kind of rubbish.
I like this bride though. Refreshing break after all those bridezillas.
I think this (the bride-to-be's plans) is totally fine, and a great idea (the transparency letter)! I think I'll do this whenever I get married, and since I am and will always be dirt poor, I won't make it extremely grand or anything, but my (very few, probably) bridesmaids might have to pay for things like hair & makeup, or dresses (although probably not both). But everyone can have their own opinions and their own weddings/wedding plans! If you think the marrying couple, who are already forking out a ton of money for the decorations, events, and their own clothing should also pay for everything that everyone directly involved with the wedding will have (lol), that's just fine. If you think the bridesmaids/groomsmen should pay for everything they'll have and only let the marrying couple pay for the wedding stuff, that's fine too! ^u^
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