No human enters this crazy wide world with a formed personality springing forth from their genes. Of course, there’s part of that plays a role in how we go about our lives, but much of the other half is directly linked with the upbringing we had.
And although it’s hard to determine what “good” and “bad” parenting styles are like, some of us indeed lacked attention and affection and didn’t develop a close relationship with our parents.
So when someone asked “What screams 'You weren't loved by your parents as a child' without saying it” on r/AskReddit, it was destined to stir a thread of thoughtful responses. Below we selected some of the most interesting ones, so scroll down and share if you agree with them or not in the comment section.
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I was going to say this. I had to apologize to my stepmom for breathing loud, for standing somewhere she'd just decided she wanted to stand, for not being in a room when she suddenly decided she wanted to tell me something, for needing to eat and sleep and use the bathroom.
People would laugh about how they could yell 'hey, come here!' and the moment I got there I'd apologize first thing. But it was an absolute survival mechanism.
One thing that I know I did a lot is have an extremely exaggerated personality because of how bad your social anxiety is. You constantly think everyone is judging you, so you have this carefully calculated sort of facade. You seem funny and spontaneous and extroverted, easy to talk to and friendly, basically you become that quirky weird kid. You try so hard to be funny and likable, be just weird enough but in a sort of funny way, so that people will like you. Then you get home and are absolutely drained because you really have no social battery but force yourself to have one because that's what your carefully crafted personality calls for. You seem spontaneous and funny but really every move is carefully calculated.
To find out just how exactly our upbringing affects us later in life, Bored Panda reached out to Susan Petang, a certified life coach from “The Quiet Zone Coaching,” teaching women how to stop feeling overwhelmed and start waking up happy in the morning again.
“The relationship we have with our parents is super important,” Susan stated and continued: “When we're children, the adults in our lives are our role models. They show us what it's like to be mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, and how to handle problems, stress, and difficulty.” According to her, we emulate their behavior, whether we realize it or not.
You don’t miss them, like at all.
Same. Never even thought about it before, but I have never for even a split second missed my stepfather, who was in my life from 7 to 19. I was away at college when my mom divorced him. Never said goodbye and haven't seen him since. Don't know if he's alive or dead and don't care! It's crazy to realize I care so little for someone who "raised" me.
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Stockholm Syndrome isn’t universal. I wanted to hit 18 and get TF out of my parents’ house from the time I was about 10 or 11. I did it too, and never looked back. You would be amazed at how quick and easy it can end up being to not even think about people whose every mean and nasty whim you had to try to anticipate, like the woman above whose stepmother would get irate at her standing somewhere stepmom just suddenly decided she wanted to stand. I bet stepmom also yelled at her for not just knowing that. You know, read her mind. Those memories will fade, and you will finally be able to become the real strong and confidant you, not the anxious nervous wreck you trying to read some asshole’s mercurial mind.
I wish that wasn't true, and it's not Stockholm Syndrome. It's beaing taught from birth that you are nothing. That you exist to serve them. That their issues are your fault. I never felt like a prisoner who then identified. Form age 12 on, all I did was work/plan to get the f*ck out and stay gone. And I did, and I have ----- but the complex PTSD is real, and crippling at times. If it'd been just my dad, maybe okay, but he and my much-older sis.... Yeesh.
Load More Replies... I think of them sometimes. Usually in nightmares, then I scream awake. Ah, childhood. Please never send me back in time to relive mine.
I can so relate. There’s a wonderful radio host I like to listen to that ends every program with “Remember,: It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. And every time I think. Nope. It is too late to have a happy childhood- but it's never too late to have a happy adulthood. Still working on that.
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It's ironic. I actually cried more about my mother's passing than my Dad's. I think it was because my Dad had Alzheimer's that robbed him of who he was...and it was a relief when he passed that he was no longer suffering. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly. I think I cried more because I was pissed that she was gone and that she never came around to realizing what a horrible person she'd been. I was hoping the light would come on before she left this earth.
Mine passed and I was mad I didn't get to strangle the sad b**ch myself.
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When I hear people say that they love their mother,I always wonder what that's like.
I'm so sorry you didn't have the bond and love with your mom. I wish you did. Maybe I e day you'll have a surrogate mom. My neighbour is my adopted grandmother because all my mine died when I very young. She always say Oh, bless your socks sweetheart...makes me laugh everytime.
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Not only, but a lingering feeling of relief when they passed. And I don't feel any guilt over not missing them.
Same. Both of mine are dead, and I felt glorious nothing. No tears, not even sad, just hugely relieved. I contemplated asking for a vial of ashes to flush down the toilet, but decided against it. I didn’t want those f*****s polluting my damn ground water.
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Resonating........................................REALLY resonating.
Load More Replies... My parents always made me aware of the fact that I was a mistake. They blamed me for looking nothing like the rest of the family ( blue eyes & blonde hair for me and dark brown hair and brown eyes for everyone else.) They criticized everything I did, despite me trying extra hard to please them so I would feel loved. It was never enough. In 1997, I left home never to return. I haven't talked to my sibling in 16 years or my parents in 24 years. They don't even know that I have a daughter that's now at a elite college. Raising my daughter (by myself) was all about ensuring that I did the opposite of what my parents did. As a result, she & I are super close. Always have been. No clue if my parent's are alive or not. Don't care either. I've moved past all the insecurities they gave me, but never forgot them. That's impossible.
It is hard to forget them. Just when you think you might have you get into a situation they rear their ugly head. I am so glad that you have made a good life for yourself and your daughter. I'm glad you made the conscious decision to be the opposite. You didn't perpetuate things as so often happens. Congrats to you for breaking that cycle.
Load More Replies... My dad passed away in 2019. Still haven't shed a tear. And yes, he was an abusive, controlling SOB.
With the exception of my father who died in the 80's, I have no idea whose dead or alive. I don't hate them, I simply don't think about them, like they never existed. They were horrid people.
After my father's burial, I walked away from my family. 35 years later, and I don't know (or care) if they're dead or alive.
I'm there too. They're in their late 70's, live 9 miles away and my mother has stage 4 cancer. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like the world's worst person.
Reason why we should avoid to judge people who don't have good relationships with their parents / family. You never know what they are / were going through. ("Don't talk like that, it's your dad!" -> "No, he isn't even a father, he let me down in the worst moment, but thank you for being judgemental about that")
I could care less if I talked to or heard from them ever again. I moved 2000 miles away for a reason
Same. All the way to the opposite coast of the US, in fact.
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Thank goodness. I felt actually very happy when they drop dead. Finally get to be able to breathe
I understand and relate to this. Learning to release the guilt I feel for not missing them. It can be done. It really can get better.
Hmmyeah, I've been wondering about this. It makes me very happy when I realise I do miss them, sometimes.
YUP. I'll literally have moments where I forget that I once had a father. It's so weird.
I have two extremely toxic sisters that I no longer care to have relationships with. One is mentally unstable (read: bat-sh*t crazy) and the other is a manipulative, narcissistic alcoholic (which may be redundant). No, I don't miss them, like at all.
My siblings and I live thousands of miles from each other and like it that way.
My mum emigrated from the UK to Australia in the early 1970's, she told me she didn't miss her mother at all and wasn't sad at leaving her.
Amen! I was shamelessly ebullient when my ass wipe brother died.
Wow. This happened to me recently, with a grandmother. She was never mean but that side of my family just never seems to try to be involved. So, she’s recently passed away and I know I should really feel sad but there isn’t much of her for me to miss. I guess I just feel bad for the people that did get to know her.
Sometimes I have dreams in which either my father or my mother is suddenly alive again - I then usually get very upset "Wait, I thought you were gone??!" Always relieved to realise it was only a dream...
Got a job so i have to move far away from home (around 10 hours ride with motorbike), never missed them while i'm here, only took days off and went home for 4 days to cool down my head from work stuff.
Yup. Those parents say your lying to yourself and it's not true, but they're the ones in denial.
I tend to forget that mine are dead. We had so little contact after I moved out, that I tended to forget them while they were alive.
I am on the same boat. I came a very mentally abusive toxic family. At first it was only my father, he did not show any happiness or love towards his children or his wife. I was actually the one to tell my mother to divorce him so that we can all be free. Later on, my mother fell in love with a narcissist; who was always playing the victim hard and turned my mother into someone I do not recognize. My mother changed into a cold and mentally abusive woman; living in her house was like walking on eggshells every day. I decided to move out on my own and cut all ties from my entire family. I haven't spoken to my family in 7 years and I can honestly say I do not miss them at all and I will never have the urge to speak to them ever again
It's true. I havent talked to my father for a long time. He is not allowed to see his grandchildren. I miss the idea of a loving father and grandfather to my kids. But I do not miss this narcisstic person that actually is my father. Not at all... In fact every day is a relieve now that he is out of my life... When my moms tries to get me to talk to him I get panick just because of the idea that I need to listen to him again...
I get this and it's ok. You don't owe a parent anything that only gave you life. When they don't at least give you a decent life, feelings can disappear quickly. My dad was not good to me. I won't miss him when it's his time.
What about the feeling of missing them sometimes... and sometimes, not at all. There are times when, I catch myself arguing with my mom (in my head. She passed away many years ago). Apologies for being a weirdo.
Just a reminder-some of us who are Autistic are incapable of certain emotions/feelings, like love, loneliness, etc. This means we can normally not miss even our parents.
Both my parents are alive and that's fine. If they were dead that would be fine too. I've let go of my hurt and anger towards them, and now I'm just indifferent. When they do die, I expect my strongest emotion will be annoyance at the inconvenience of dealing with the paperwork and all their stuff. I can't tell people with normal childhoods this - they think I'm a sociopath
No, you are not! I didn't even do the paperwork, didn't emptying the apartment wit all the valuable stuff, didn't organized the funeral, non show. Dad, you got your good people for this, you paid them in advance....
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Im like this with my mom after almost 15 years of me forcing to love her its kinda...relieving?
The way I am able to snap through relationships, I’ve been seen as toxic and fake. Honestly, that might be it but you can love someone and when it’s over, it’s over. They’re gone, that was the end of it. (I’m going to respond to this with something that could be triggering.)
I’ve had someone end it while we were dating. The sympathy is tiring, people saying sorry. That I must miss them. I still feel hollow, I don’t think I’ll ever be filled. It’s tiring.
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I've had two girlfriends who were able to cry completely silently. Not just a few tears, but full ugly, balling your eyes out crying, with absolutely zero noise.
The first one I knew about her past, but the second I was completely blindsided. She didn't speak about her past, but had said that other than 'occasionally arguing' with her father she's has a good enough childhood. When I saw it, it absolutely sent chills down my spine, and I immediately knew. When I later asked her about it, and mentioned that people only learn that out for quite narrow reasons, the flood gates opened I learned more about her childhood than I was ready to.
I too, learned how to cry silently for fear of an ex who would get more angry and abusive if he caught me actually crying and making noise. Happily, I have been with my husband for 12 years now, and he loves me, crying or laughing. Also happy to say the latter occurs much more often than the former.
Not liking or loving yourself.
Being able to identify people by their foot steps, the sound of their car outside, how they move around the house, etc.
Moreover, Susan warned that lack of attention and affection can cause all kinds of emotional dysfunction later in life. “Lack of self-esteem and the inability to communicate, resolve problems, and manage stress are just some of the problems that can result.”It’s important to understand that what “we observe as children guides our behavior later in life,” Susan said.
“If our parents didn't get along with others, we probably won't, either; if the adults in our lives were distant, remote, critical, or negative, the chances are high that we'll do the same.”
Not being able to self validate. No one taught you how to be confident and sure of yourself.
Poor decision making/indecisive.
Insecure attachments.
Ouch I'm feeling called out all over this article. Interesting though
Being shocked when a “kid” says how much they love their parent and they mean everything to them and the parent is loving and affectionate
I was surprised to see how loving and caring my boyfriend’s parents are, along with how welcoming of a home they had. And the cool thing is that they’ve treated me as their own, I’ve been able to have the parent relationships that I’ve wanted for so long and I’m very grateful for that
“It's also possible that we'll become the extreme opposite of our parents. For example, a girl who has an emotionally unavailable mom might decide that she's not going to be like her mother—and might end up being used and taken advantage of emotionally, instead.”
If you’re wondering, Susan assured us that it doesn't mean that you're doomed to a miserable life if your parents weren't warm and fuzzy. “Even if your childhood role models were poor, it's still possible to learn how to have healthy relationships and positive behavior,” the life coach concluded.
My special talent is breaking into full-on hysterics in total silence *with my bedroom open* and then less than 2 minutes later, walk out of my room and nobody has a clue I just had a total breakdown.
I cried myself to sleep most my 26 years so you just get used to it and forget it's not normal.
My habit is to hide in the bathroom and have a silent meltdown, then panic over how I’m gonna fix my face before I leave the room. Usually results in cold water and eye drops being on hand.
Constant need of approval by an authority figure. For example, trying to constant please your history teacher that kind reminds of your dad, so everytime he grades you well you feel like you accomplished something, even though he's just your teacher, not your dad, he won't listen to your problems or be present. He's just grading the tests.
You might be surprised about the teacher listening. Many of us try to provide an ear for kids in need.
Having a huge void in your life where no matter how much love you receive, it’s never enough and you never feel like enough.
… or so I’ve heard.
Having trouble asking for basic needs.
I feel like this all the time. I feel like I'm even forcing my husband to be with me, and asking him for things can be too much much of a bother. Especially if it's for me.
Spending every moment of your waking life, all 20 hours a day of it, overanalyzing everything and everyone for that exact moment they are going to snap and lash out at you.
They can't mention any achievement without "balancing" it with a mistake.
Your whole family sees you as nothing but a punchline.
The only reason you fear them outliving you is that they'd use your funeral as an excuse to humiliate you even further in front of people who actually cared.
This is awful. You deserve so much credit for every achievement and accomplishment.
Seeing your phone ringing with your parents name and having an anxiety attack about answering.
Flinching up and closing everything out when someone yells or gets mad at me or something I did.
Yep, I do this. Shouting at me causes an instant shutdown. Left overs from an abusive marriage, even though I've been divorced for 20 years.
Constantly feeling like everyone has a problem with you even if you have no reason to believe such thing. I have great roommates and they're some of my best friends, but at times I feel that they hate me. I know they don't, I have no reason to believe such things, but when I wake up I sometimes believe that my friends absolutely hate me. In response to these emotions I tend fo work very hard to try and get them to "like me", I'll buy them food, or surprise them with things I know they'll like. It eats away at me but even more I tend to believe everyone I meet for the first time hates me. Constantly I need people to tell me they're not mad at me, I need to be reassured, it's a dreadful feeling.
- Not knowing how to take a compliment, because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop like, "you're so smart. So, why aren't you doing better in school?" It's better to deny the compliment.
- Feeling a constant need to placate, mediate, intervene, and concede to avoid arguments. You don't like to see other people fighting or for them to be angry at you, so you do your best to make other people happy, to reduce your anxiety.
- Learning to walk silently, avoid interrupting people, talking softly, and just generally avoid sticking out because you fear that confrontation is the first step to abuse.
- Doing kind things to people, but being unable to say kind things. Love means providing things like food and shelter and clothes, but not gentle words, because you didn't learn them.
- Surrounding yourself with toxic friends, because that's "normal". Your loved ones are supposed to take advantage of you and be mean, if they follow it up with something equally nice after.
- Having an abusive or neglectful significant other because you've learned to associate love with being hurt or neglected. You don't deserve constant love all the time from your partner. People hurt you sometimes, but you still love them. Being uncared for when you need to be comforted isn't the worst thing, when negative attention means feeling worse than being alone.
I seek the empathy I didn't have, I try not to overshare but it's hard when you're starving, but I do have good boundaries otherwise.
The verbal diarrhea is real. Inappropriate oversharing. Sometimes for empathy and sometimes trying to explain some reaction you've had or action you've taken. Even though, nobody wants to know.
People pleasing
They said” I have to love you, but I don’t have to like you” I was 7
I work in schools and I find often kids will purposely get themselves into trouble to get attention from the staff because they're starved for attention at home
Insecure attachment (both avoidant and anxious). Love and/or sex addiction.
Sex addiction when I was younger. Hated myself so much that I thought the only things I had going for me were a pretty face and a body I was willing to give away.
Overly defensive about everything. Always trying to defend yourself for things you know are in the right. I.e (My room is already clean why are you even yelling, or stop telling me to do things I already do) I only know this because I’m always put in situations like this and allow other people’s words to have power over me
Please, for the love of God, laugh at my [lame] jokes and listen to me talk in circles for way too long while I try to kid myself I’m making an interesting point
feeling the need to create a false, altered version of events to tell to people, and then realizing that the actual version of events was A) perfectly acceptable and B) makes more sense than the fabricated version of events. so f***ed up
Telling truth can get you into trouble. You don't do it. Abused people become excellent story-tellers.
Having a parental unit tell you multiple times that they "never wanted kids"
having them yell at you for not understanding how to do math problems when you're just learning them.
Having them talk more to the father of your child than they do to you.
Praising themselves for your accomplishments that have nothing to do with them and any hobby or activity is because "you take after me".
Ugh. The "you take after me" thing...my biological mother does that and it drives me CRAZY.
When you marry into a family and you completely shut down at family gatherings because you don’t know how to insert yourself into conversations because this family actually loves each other. And all you know is that you were told that no one wants to hear about you and they only want to talk about themselves so you have to be the giving person but then feeling sad that no one took the time to ask you about yourself. Feeling bad for feeling sad or lonely but thinking you also deserve it because you must be selfish if you feel negatively about people just not asking about you even though you put so much effort into talking about them that you know good and well they likely never had the opportunity. Censoring your own art because you had to do that where you grew up, but if someone stumbles upon your art and praises you for it you freeze up because you have no idea what to do about it.
Working extra hard to get your parents attention (getting good grades, making their favorite food, etc) just to get acknowledge that you too are part of the family and you are also important as well.
I was doing this till last year. And then at last i accepted that whatever i do they would never appreciate.. then i relieved, yes really :) Because just after that i started to focus on myself, my own beauties and abilities
No activities or visits
Being lonely is horrible. We should be more aware of people around us. The neighbour alone needs a visit and if elderly a visit and a quick check to see if he/she is ok. I live 5 hours drive from my elderly mum and I can't always visit. She is lucky to have friends and good neighbours who pop by for a cuppa or phone for chit chat. They pick her up for shopping. I am so grateful for these kind people.
Compulsively apologizing for minor/non-existent transgressions, just so people don't lash out at you. Perceiving every compliment as back handed. Eating as quickly as possible because you know someone is gonna throw your plate on the floor and force you to finish eating it.
Stealing - my sister was always told she was 'too expensive' to take care of now she literally will steal even if she has money in her pocket.
Hugs to all the pandas who found themselves on this list in some form or another ❤
Hugs to all the BPs here that suffer from bad families (parents, spouses etc) or bad mental health.
Some of these resonate with me, but I have to say they aren't all necessarily indicative of an unhappy childhood. I was loved, encouraged, respected as an individual who had their own thoughts and feelings. There was no abuse or neglect, my sister and I were both treated equally. Unfortunately I c*apped out on the genetic lottery because mental illness and personality disorders run on my dad's side of the family (he is absolutely ok, it's like it affects at least one person from each generation going back about 120 years. We can actually trace a path through the family tree based on anecdotal evidence). Sometimes you can have all the love in the world and still feel alone.
Hi Sian. Aspergic, dad's side. Depression? could be either side. Dad's 90, I love him with all my heart and more, why? Because he's my dad, but also, he's gone through everything I’m going through now. My dad had no support for autism, neither have I (Caring for Mental health has a long way to go in the UK, it's appalling). I'm proud of him having to deal with a condition that is challenging. My dad's 90, he is unaware that he has autism, I won't approach this subject with him, as it'd be callous of me to try at this stage of his life.
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I’ve always been a disappointment. Affected me then, affects me now. Never encouraged by my parents nor any teachers. Don’t get me wrong my parents love(d) me, I never wanted for anything. It’s just that, I was never given any positive feedback from anyone whilst growing up. Maybe, if I just received the right encouragement, I could've done more with my life.
Steve, you are not a disappointment. I think you are lovely, really.
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Maybe this is to general, but I think that being suspicious of someones motives when they do something kind towards you, and feeling like you "owe" something if/when its genuine. And feeling like you should never need help with anything,no matter how much you struggle with it.
These broke my heart. Some people don't deserve to have kids, because everyone matters and everyone deserves to be loved. Kids have such pure hearts, and it's horrible some have to be exposed to this from a parent. Posts like this remind me to be grateful, and not take my upbringing for granted.
What a contrast between this posting and the one about spoiled, entitled kids. There is a happy medium between coddling your crotch goblins and tyrannizing them.
Load More Replies... Give yourself permission to grieve over the wrongs done to you. (Best advice I got in therapy.) Don't punish yourself for reactions you were taught to have before you could speak. Like any other habit, you can break it, with time. You may never 100% do so, but the victory is in the trying, IMO.
I relate with most of these, but always felt that my parents are kind people, although they can get angry over nothing and make me feel a lil guilty. 🤔
Being a parent is hard, and despite love and care for the children, you can never be sure what a throwaway comment or trivial behaviour can cause, unless you're a trained psychologist, I guess. If you feel loved, forgive your parents the little mistakes they might be making. They're just human. I'm sure my parents loved me, but I still have some issues that I think I can trace back to their behaviour. I'm sure they never wanted to influence me in a bad way. (Of course, if shitty behaviour is deliberate, forgiveness is definitely not required.)
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A lot of BPD symptoms in this article. If a lot of it rings true, it's worth getting yourself checked out. Absolutely not to be taken as a diagnosis, but this helped point me in the right direction: https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline-test
Me and my parents have a lovely relationship but I still relate to a lot of this
i don't even have a bad home (i think) and a good many of these hit home for me
I've never resonated with an article before on BP as much as this one. Minus a few points, I felt like this was written to describe my life. Thank you for validating what feels like a lost struggle at times. Thank you so much.
I always felt like an outsider in my family. My parents moved us to a farm when I was 7, but they packed everything up, took my younger siblings & left me behind - all because I had 2-1/2 weeks of school left. My father just didn't want to wait to move. They hadn't sold our house, so there was no deadline to be out, it because it was what *he* wanted. Then in later years, I was always expected to 'set an example' for the siblings, but was humiliated & punished when I made a mistake. I went to bed a few times with welts on my legs from his belt. When I was 14 or 15, my father lectured me for a solid hour over getting in trouble at school, and the final thing he said was "I wish you had never been born, I never wanted you to begin with." I've managed to move on, but I will never forgive him.
The worst part is watching it happen across generations. My grandfather on my father's side was abused as a child, and his mother was abused by his father. My grandfather abused his wife and children. My father abused his wife and children. My mother was abused by her mother. My grandmother on my mom's side was abused by her father. It's a cycle of hurting that can only be stopped with dedicated effort, and the abused tend to be drawn to the abused (meaning that neither one knows how to live without it).
God this one hit HARD! Makes me really look at myself as a parent too, I dont want my kids to feel this way.
Oh, yes! My siblings talk about my father like he was the 'Very Best Dad in the Universe', but the man was verbally & emotionally abusive, self centered, and just plain mean. I don't miss him at all.
Load More Replies... I couldn't finish this post...too many of those hit too close to home. Feeling anxious now.
Whoa!! This really hit home for me- oldest of 7, alcoholic father, emotionally and physically abusive mother...Some of these behaviors I'm trying to break as I see they are not healthy for me to continue..But yes, after being a RN for 50+ years, which really 'set' some of these behaviors even more..I've learned a lot about why I act the way I do, constantly seeking approval..
This was an interesting list, but it had a lot of responses from people who were suffering from neglect or abuse. I was hoping to see what those outside our experience saw that was a red flag.
I can relate to so many of these. It's sad. SO SAD. Some people just don't deserve to be parents. To this day, at 43 years old, my mom still makes me feel less than but I have learned to set boundaries through counseling and therapy. I am still a people pleaser to this day, and this feed pretty much told me why. Hugs and love to all that can relate to this.
What about always thinking you did something wrong (even little things) and panicking over it until the person you think is mad at you because you did something wrong assures you over and over that its fine and they don't understand why you're freaking out? Because I do that a lot. The other day I hugged my girlfriends sister and then i started freaking out because "what if i wasn't supposed to hug her? i need excuses why i did it if i get questioned about it. my girlfriend isn't answering me bc shes mad i hugged her sister" and then she never brought it up and im still panicking over it even though it seems like literally nothings wrong and ik its a stupid thing to panic over
Don't get me wrong so many of these are so awful and truly are a direct result of s**t parenting, but as someone with ADHD and spending my childhood being bullied by my peers, I can relate so hard to about 70% of these and I am very fortunate to have had very good parents, not amazing, but very good over all.
I feel like I should stay off the internet. All these articles (like this one) give me cold chills. I'll add one to this list. Thinking "it wasn't that bad" and "others had it worse so keep it to yourself". I didn't know I was someone to be pitied until I met my husband's parents and made some offhand joke about my childhood and they both stared at me like I'd grown a 2nd head. They've cried for me. I won't. And I still feel like it's not a big deal. But I enjoy telling them things because their reactions let me know how I should feel about it. I might be a robot. Definitely not "normal".
I got to maybe 12? and couldn't read anymore. Watching anyone succeed on tv. Sports, singing, anything. And hearing them thank their parents for 'all their love and support and I wouldn't be here without their constant love and support'. 'They made sure I went to the best college we could afford'. 'They made sure I had everything I needed'. I was told 'The only reason you want to go to college is to find a husband' and 'I wish we never had kids' as I sat on the stairs in the dark, as dad sat on the couch in the dark, and mom worked second shift. My first memory was waking up, and going down stairs. And dad standingin the hall in his skivvies, and me saying 'Where's Mom?" and he saying 'She's in the hospital!" Why is she in the hospital??" ~'Because you kids drove her crazy" That is my first memory. She was in the hospital , just giving birth to yet another younger sister. I don't remember which one. I have 3 younger, and had 2 older. all sisters. I still suffer from PTSD. I'm 64
Not being sad at a parent's funeral. Or even being glad they're gone.
Never really believing someone telling nice or kind stuff to you, because deep inside you know you are not worthy... and suspecting that this person wants something...
wow - so many of these resonate with me. bit of a soggy mess right now
As someone whose stepmother is one of the worst people I've ever met, a lot of these hit really close to home. (She's just as horrible to me as she is to my dad, so he can't do much about it, sadly.)
I stood up for myself recently and caused conflict. I'm proud of myself for daring to do that...
WOW. Some of these stories are just heartbreaking. My Dad left when I was 8, but I remember what an abusive alcoholic he was (he was 30+ years sober when he passed away in 2014 and we had long since made peace). In retrospect my childhood wasn't all that bad. Mom was single with 4 kids and we were always broke, but we always knew we were loved.
I still live at home at 43, daily verbal abuse from my mother, a month sgo she physically hurts me too. She has told me it was about time I dropped dead when I was about 18 or so. I have considered suicide but ai don’t want to give her the satisfaction. There is tons more, but I won’t share it all. I feel my life has been stolen from me.
This reminds me of a friend I had at Uni. She was always very soft spoken and I did kind of figure that her parents probably didn't like their kids raising their voices but I didn't really think any more of it. She would also lie about completely unnecessary things and chose to hang out with people she disliked but thought could be "good connections" rather than people she liked. I stopped hanging with her because of the lies and the way she kept "dumping me" for those friends she didn't actually like. And it was always me asking if we should meet etc. For some reason she'd always admit to me what lies she'd told others. But I kept wondering what lies she were telling me. Anyway, reading this, I wonder if there was a darker background to her story, than I ever fathomed back then.
I've had a grandpa, covid taked him away. I like that grandpa as a little girl. But when the time flow, he start to hate me for not being perfect in his eyes. i was an ugly pig, I can't clean properly, I quit a school he choose for me... Then he found a gold digger, and she started to add oil to the fire, she claimed that I was not my fathers (his son) daughter. When I called him and ask ho he was, he said "bad", and then asked me, when I'm going to leave my dad's apartment (I was working and giving him money for the rent). The final end of it was, when my dad selling our summer house, he arrived there, unnoticed, and after some conversation, he start screaming at me, that I and my dad (HIS SON!!!) should go f*ck ourselves. This happened last year. He died like 4 months later. My daddy was sad for it and died 2 months later too. I' crying for my daddy, but for my grandpa... I never shed even a single tear and never feel sad about him. He died alone, only with that f*cking gold digger as his wife, who only loved his money!
Each one of these points rings true with me. I used to feel so broken and unloved - still do sometimes. Finding the right therapist/psychologists helps. Distance and time. It does get better.
Didn't see a mention of passive aggressiveness, because it's the only way to be angry or get an opinion out without actually saying what you really mean.
I- I really hope that people wouldn't have to go through any of this. I hope that if they had, they can remember to love themselves and know they matter. I hope that in the future, this kind of thing will never happpen. It's horrible to love someone and not believe they love you back. But someone out there really do cares. Remember that.
We promise to love each other for the rest of our lives, we also plan to get married, but suddenly my love broke up with me without saying anything. My heart was broken and I have no where to turn to for help until I meet Spiritists called Dova Saga. Who was so nice in helping me get my lover back in a flash. I just wanted to say a big thanks for helping me, THANKS YOU. I have tried other spell casters and they failed me, I will advise anyone with relationship problem to contact him via: WhatsApp +17278553511 or visit: https://www.facebook.com/dovasagawhitemagictemple. You can still save your marriage if u really love your husband or wife. Divorce is never the Answer.
How to confirm my parent's actually didn't love me as much as they said, and I wasn't being an ungrateful s**t my whole childhood: this post.
You are the ungrateful and judgemental s**t here for speaking on behalf of people whose experiences you trivialize because you think kids undergoing emotional abuse are simply ungrateful whiners. Maybe you're an abuser yourself and that's how you justify your abuse but don't you dare claim to speak on behalf of those whose lives and experiences you know absolutely nothing about nor have the emotional maturity and psychological awareness to empathize with.
Load More Replies... Hugs to all the pandas who found themselves on this list in some form or another ❤
Hugs to all the BPs here that suffer from bad families (parents, spouses etc) or bad mental health.
Some of these resonate with me, but I have to say they aren't all necessarily indicative of an unhappy childhood. I was loved, encouraged, respected as an individual who had their own thoughts and feelings. There was no abuse or neglect, my sister and I were both treated equally. Unfortunately I c*apped out on the genetic lottery because mental illness and personality disorders run on my dad's side of the family (he is absolutely ok, it's like it affects at least one person from each generation going back about 120 years. We can actually trace a path through the family tree based on anecdotal evidence). Sometimes you can have all the love in the world and still feel alone.
Hi Sian. Aspergic, dad's side. Depression? could be either side. Dad's 90, I love him with all my heart and more, why? Because he's my dad, but also, he's gone through everything I’m going through now. My dad had no support for autism, neither have I (Caring for Mental health has a long way to go in the UK, it's appalling). I'm proud of him having to deal with a condition that is challenging. My dad's 90, he is unaware that he has autism, I won't approach this subject with him, as it'd be callous of me to try at this stage of his life.
Load More Replies... I’ve always been a disappointment. Affected me then, affects me now. Never encouraged by my parents nor any teachers. Don’t get me wrong my parents love(d) me, I never wanted for anything. It’s just that, I was never given any positive feedback from anyone whilst growing up. Maybe, if I just received the right encouragement, I could've done more with my life.
Steve, you are not a disappointment. I think you are lovely, really.
Load More Replies... Maybe this is to general, but I think that being suspicious of someones motives when they do something kind towards you, and feeling like you "owe" something if/when its genuine. And feeling like you should never need help with anything,no matter how much you struggle with it.
These broke my heart. Some people don't deserve to have kids, because everyone matters and everyone deserves to be loved. Kids have such pure hearts, and it's horrible some have to be exposed to this from a parent. Posts like this remind me to be grateful, and not take my upbringing for granted.
What a contrast between this posting and the one about spoiled, entitled kids. There is a happy medium between coddling your crotch goblins and tyrannizing them.
Load More Replies... Give yourself permission to grieve over the wrongs done to you. (Best advice I got in therapy.) Don't punish yourself for reactions you were taught to have before you could speak. Like any other habit, you can break it, with time. You may never 100% do so, but the victory is in the trying, IMO.
I relate with most of these, but always felt that my parents are kind people, although they can get angry over nothing and make me feel a lil guilty. 🤔
Being a parent is hard, and despite love and care for the children, you can never be sure what a throwaway comment or trivial behaviour can cause, unless you're a trained psychologist, I guess. If you feel loved, forgive your parents the little mistakes they might be making. They're just human. I'm sure my parents loved me, but I still have some issues that I think I can trace back to their behaviour. I'm sure they never wanted to influence me in a bad way. (Of course, if shitty behaviour is deliberate, forgiveness is definitely not required.)
Load More Replies... A lot of BPD symptoms in this article. If a lot of it rings true, it's worth getting yourself checked out. Absolutely not to be taken as a diagnosis, but this helped point me in the right direction: https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline-test
Me and my parents have a lovely relationship but I still relate to a lot of this
i don't even have a bad home (i think) and a good many of these hit home for me
I've never resonated with an article before on BP as much as this one. Minus a few points, I felt like this was written to describe my life. Thank you for validating what feels like a lost struggle at times. Thank you so much.
I always felt like an outsider in my family. My parents moved us to a farm when I was 7, but they packed everything up, took my younger siblings & left me behind - all because I had 2-1/2 weeks of school left. My father just didn't want to wait to move. They hadn't sold our house, so there was no deadline to be out, it because it was what *he* wanted. Then in later years, I was always expected to 'set an example' for the siblings, but was humiliated & punished when I made a mistake. I went to bed a few times with welts on my legs from his belt. When I was 14 or 15, my father lectured me for a solid hour over getting in trouble at school, and the final thing he said was "I wish you had never been born, I never wanted you to begin with." I've managed to move on, but I will never forgive him.
The worst part is watching it happen across generations. My grandfather on my father's side was abused as a child, and his mother was abused by his father. My grandfather abused his wife and children. My father abused his wife and children. My mother was abused by her mother. My grandmother on my mom's side was abused by her father. It's a cycle of hurting that can only be stopped with dedicated effort, and the abused tend to be drawn to the abused (meaning that neither one knows how to live without it).
God this one hit HARD! Makes me really look at myself as a parent too, I dont want my kids to feel this way.
Oh, yes! My siblings talk about my father like he was the 'Very Best Dad in the Universe', but the man was verbally & emotionally abusive, self centered, and just plain mean. I don't miss him at all.
Load More Replies... I couldn't finish this post...too many of those hit too close to home. Feeling anxious now.
Whoa!! This really hit home for me- oldest of 7, alcoholic father, emotionally and physically abusive mother...Some of these behaviors I'm trying to break as I see they are not healthy for me to continue..But yes, after being a RN for 50+ years, which really 'set' some of these behaviors even more..I've learned a lot about why I act the way I do, constantly seeking approval..
This was an interesting list, but it had a lot of responses from people who were suffering from neglect or abuse. I was hoping to see what those outside our experience saw that was a red flag.
I can relate to so many of these. It's sad. SO SAD. Some people just don't deserve to be parents. To this day, at 43 years old, my mom still makes me feel less than but I have learned to set boundaries through counseling and therapy. I am still a people pleaser to this day, and this feed pretty much told me why. Hugs and love to all that can relate to this.
What about always thinking you did something wrong (even little things) and panicking over it until the person you think is mad at you because you did something wrong assures you over and over that its fine and they don't understand why you're freaking out? Because I do that a lot. The other day I hugged my girlfriends sister and then i started freaking out because "what if i wasn't supposed to hug her? i need excuses why i did it if i get questioned about it. my girlfriend isn't answering me bc shes mad i hugged her sister" and then she never brought it up and im still panicking over it even though it seems like literally nothings wrong and ik its a stupid thing to panic over
Don't get me wrong so many of these are so awful and truly are a direct result of s**t parenting, but as someone with ADHD and spending my childhood being bullied by my peers, I can relate so hard to about 70% of these and I am very fortunate to have had very good parents, not amazing, but very good over all.
I feel like I should stay off the internet. All these articles (like this one) give me cold chills. I'll add one to this list. Thinking "it wasn't that bad" and "others had it worse so keep it to yourself". I didn't know I was someone to be pitied until I met my husband's parents and made some offhand joke about my childhood and they both stared at me like I'd grown a 2nd head. They've cried for me. I won't. And I still feel like it's not a big deal. But I enjoy telling them things because their reactions let me know how I should feel about it. I might be a robot. Definitely not "normal".
I got to maybe 12? and couldn't read anymore. Watching anyone succeed on tv. Sports, singing, anything. And hearing them thank their parents for 'all their love and support and I wouldn't be here without their constant love and support'. 'They made sure I went to the best college we could afford'. 'They made sure I had everything I needed'. I was told 'The only reason you want to go to college is to find a husband' and 'I wish we never had kids' as I sat on the stairs in the dark, as dad sat on the couch in the dark, and mom worked second shift. My first memory was waking up, and going down stairs. And dad standingin the hall in his skivvies, and me saying 'Where's Mom?" and he saying 'She's in the hospital!" Why is she in the hospital??" ~'Because you kids drove her crazy" That is my first memory. She was in the hospital , just giving birth to yet another younger sister. I don't remember which one. I have 3 younger, and had 2 older. all sisters. I still suffer from PTSD. I'm 64
Not being sad at a parent's funeral. Or even being glad they're gone.
Never really believing someone telling nice or kind stuff to you, because deep inside you know you are not worthy... and suspecting that this person wants something...
wow - so many of these resonate with me. bit of a soggy mess right now
As someone whose stepmother is one of the worst people I've ever met, a lot of these hit really close to home. (She's just as horrible to me as she is to my dad, so he can't do much about it, sadly.)
I stood up for myself recently and caused conflict. I'm proud of myself for daring to do that...
WOW. Some of these stories are just heartbreaking. My Dad left when I was 8, but I remember what an abusive alcoholic he was (he was 30+ years sober when he passed away in 2014 and we had long since made peace). In retrospect my childhood wasn't all that bad. Mom was single with 4 kids and we were always broke, but we always knew we were loved.
I still live at home at 43, daily verbal abuse from my mother, a month sgo she physically hurts me too. She has told me it was about time I dropped dead when I was about 18 or so. I have considered suicide but ai don’t want to give her the satisfaction. There is tons more, but I won’t share it all. I feel my life has been stolen from me.
This reminds me of a friend I had at Uni. She was always very soft spoken and I did kind of figure that her parents probably didn't like their kids raising their voices but I didn't really think any more of it. She would also lie about completely unnecessary things and chose to hang out with people she disliked but thought could be "good connections" rather than people she liked. I stopped hanging with her because of the lies and the way she kept "dumping me" for those friends she didn't actually like. And it was always me asking if we should meet etc. For some reason she'd always admit to me what lies she'd told others. But I kept wondering what lies she were telling me. Anyway, reading this, I wonder if there was a darker background to her story, than I ever fathomed back then.
I've had a grandpa, covid taked him away. I like that grandpa as a little girl. But when the time flow, he start to hate me for not being perfect in his eyes. i was an ugly pig, I can't clean properly, I quit a school he choose for me... Then he found a gold digger, and she started to add oil to the fire, she claimed that I was not my fathers (his son) daughter. When I called him and ask ho he was, he said "bad", and then asked me, when I'm going to leave my dad's apartment (I was working and giving him money for the rent). The final end of it was, when my dad selling our summer house, he arrived there, unnoticed, and after some conversation, he start screaming at me, that I and my dad (HIS SON!!!) should go f*ck ourselves. This happened last year. He died like 4 months later. My daddy was sad for it and died 2 months later too. I' crying for my daddy, but for my grandpa... I never shed even a single tear and never feel sad about him. He died alone, only with that f*cking gold digger as his wife, who only loved his money!
Each one of these points rings true with me. I used to feel so broken and unloved - still do sometimes. Finding the right therapist/psychologists helps. Distance and time. It does get better.
Didn't see a mention of passive aggressiveness, because it's the only way to be angry or get an opinion out without actually saying what you really mean.
I- I really hope that people wouldn't have to go through any of this. I hope that if they had, they can remember to love themselves and know they matter. I hope that in the future, this kind of thing will never happpen. It's horrible to love someone and not believe they love you back. But someone out there really do cares. Remember that.
We promise to love each other for the rest of our lives, we also plan to get married, but suddenly my love broke up with me without saying anything. My heart was broken and I have no where to turn to for help until I meet Spiritists called Dova Saga. Who was so nice in helping me get my lover back in a flash. I just wanted to say a big thanks for helping me, THANKS YOU. I have tried other spell casters and they failed me, I will advise anyone with relationship problem to contact him via: WhatsApp +17278553511 or visit: https://www.facebook.com/dovasagawhitemagictemple. You can still save your marriage if u really love your husband or wife. Divorce is never the Answer.
How to confirm my parent's actually didn't love me as much as they said, and I wasn't being an ungrateful s**t my whole childhood: this post.
You are the ungrateful and judgemental s**t here for speaking on behalf of people whose experiences you trivialize because you think kids undergoing emotional abuse are simply ungrateful whiners. Maybe you're an abuser yourself and that's how you justify your abuse but don't you dare claim to speak on behalf of those whose lives and experiences you know absolutely nothing about nor have the emotional maturity and psychological awareness to empathize with.
Load More Replies... 