People Share The Most Toxic Things Their Parents Have Told Them In This Horrifying Online Thread
One third of Americans regret their life choices and wish they could do things differently. But big things start small. Many of us do regret the words we uttered, things we said to people, especially to those who are closest to us.
It’s no secret that words have power to heal, but they can also hurt deeply. Especially when you’re at your most vulnerable, still being a kid with the vast world waiting to be explored. Things our parents say shape us in profound ways, some good, some inherently harmful.
So people on r/AskReddit are now sharing the things that should never, ever be said to children. From divorced parents screwing up their kid’s mind with manipulation to telling them they’re “useless,” the answers on the thread are cruel enough while being read, let alone being said to a small kid.
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My drunken father once told me, "You'll never be the man that I am." I remember thinking, "You're damn right I won't be."
"you don't have the right to privacy", "you are a child, you have no rights", "at least I'm putting a roof over your head", "I wish I never had you".
'It's all in your head/you are just imagining it.' As it turned out, I wasn't imagining it and now I struggle to differentiate between what's real and what's not because I was led to believe I was imagining things constantly.
To find out more about how the things parents tell their kids can affect them and what damage it may cause on a profound level, Bored Panda reached out to Susan Petang from “The Quiet Zone Coaching,” who’s a certified life coach, teaching adults and teens. Susan said that a lot of our emotional dysfunction can originate with childhood experiences and messages.
“One of the most prevalent that I see is low self-esteem, which can result in anxiety, the inability to interact effectively in society, and being used and abused by the psychic vampires and bullies of the world,” she said and added: “Believe it or not, bullying, aggressive, and entitled behavior can also be caused by low self esteem!”
We had you so your brother would have someone to play with.
I had a colleague who told me, wile pregnant, that she was having her second child so the first one wouldn't feel lonely. I never saw her in the same way again.
Trash talking about the other parent, then comparing you to them. 'You’re just like your father!'
In my case, my dad always said to me “you’re just like your mother” as I got older, I was happy that I was more like my wonderful mom!
"I am not asking you do to it, it is an order!" "Why did I give birth to you?" "I wish you were never born." "You are ruining my life." or "You ruined my life." "How dare you disobey me." "You are a disappointment." Or any insult tbh. Or comparing you to other kids, or to your siblings.
What kind of parent would say this to their children? You would have to be a very abusive person to talk to your kids like this!
When asked about the things one should never say to another person, Susan said that it’s things like “'I hate you!' 'Don't be stupid!' 'Don't you ever learn?' or, 'Why can't you be more like your brother?'”
“Are you dismissive of your child's opinion, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you? Sometimes it's not words, it's behaviors that create bad feelings. Do you ignore your child? Do you comfort them when they're crying, or do you let them 'cry it out'? Do you and your partner fight in front of the kids (especially when it concerns them)?”
'So you're saying that I'm a bad parent' in response to any form of help-seeking or constructive criticism was the worst for me.
Constantly comparing you with your older siblings and giving you extremely different treatment. It makes you feel inferior to them and like no matter how much you try or do, it will never be enough.
'You’re being dramatic' or 'Quit being emotional', 'why are you being difficult', 'you make things so hard on me', 'someone else has it worse so stop crying'.
The good news is that the right words and behaviors have the power to not only heal, but also build self-esteem, teach compassion, and provide examples of what healthy relationships look like. Susan explained how a parent should do that: “Listen to your children. Use reflective listening to engage them. 'It seems like you're upset. Want to tell me what's happening?' 'I'm hearing that you're really frustrated. Let's see what we can do to solve the problem.' 'I feel like you're very angry that I won't let you go out with your friends. Do you understand why?'"
Making fun of your kid for making a change in their life for the better. I was always anti-social and the complete opposite of athletic. When I began to try and work out to gain some muscle, I got teased by my parents. All that did was discourage me and make me want to quit.
Yeah, my mom was complete kill-joy. When I wanted to try something new as a kid, like skateboarding, she said "Why would you want to do something stupid like that? That's for boys. You should do something useful like dust the furniture."
My dad was always like that. As I got older, I refused to have anything to do with him. After not talking to him for many years, he called me one day to tell me he had terminal cancer. I went and stayed with him during the last few months of his life, and he apologized to me, and we both realized that despite the past we really still did love each other. I am so happy we had that time together and I miss him very much. I guess I’m saying it’s never too late to make amends some times.
I've heard of cases when people did try to talk things out at the end. I'm glad you were able to have that. My husband's aunt talked about how much love she got from her mother at the end. I miss her, too.
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My mom couldn't understand why I would want to do anything she's not interested in herself. "What do you want to do that for? " . She didn't like my answer and so I didn't do it. So many things I was more than capable succeeding at but having that said to me stopped me in my tracks and I just gave up.
I hope you catch up with lost time. You probably accumulated some useful skills that you can transfer into other areas.
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I started swimming after a car accident left me with back pain. I was at my heaviest in my life at that time, 275 lbs for my 5'2". I was quite physically active, would bike over 40 km a week to work, but still very much overweight. So I resumed swimming, after about 17 years of not having done laps in a pool. I started struggling to do a miserable 2 laps in a row without stopping. But I watched videos, read material and figured out how do interval training in the pool to improve my endurance and cardio. 10 months later, I was training with the triathlon club at the local college, did 200 laps/5km in a single training to prepare for an open water swimming event in which I participated the following summer, doing 1km+2km events. When I told my family how good I was feeling, and how proud I was to be achieving my goals, my father said "yeah, but it's easy for you, look at marine mammals". Yeah, he compared me to a beluga, a whale or a manatee, or all of them. Thanks dad. I ignore him now.
My mom was the opposite. I'd try to look into something active because it might be fun. She'd always comment "that'll be good exercise" or "that'll develop forearm muscles" for fencing. She meant well, but it was always discouraging. It just felt like she saw me as her fat son instead of just her son.
I know a friend whose father probably has depression and a major cause of that is his feeling that he can't do anything about the state of his house (I've been there, it's a disaster). One of his children was moving out and talking about how they wanted to do meal planning, he just laughed at them.
yeah i remeber this my leg started to limp bc of a medical condition and my mom would laugh at me as soon as a start walking and stay stuff like look she is 5 and how is she walking , why do u walk like that and she wouldnt even take me out with her cuz she told me its embarrsing and she took me to the doctor after 2 whole years
I gave up everything I liked for you
95? Why not 100?
why can't you be like so and so's child, they do 'one impressive thing'
I remember being in 7th grade - I won a local art contest. I showed my grandmother who was visiting (we never got to see her because she lived so far away) the blue ribbon and the painting. She took one tiny look and instantly said, "Oh you should see the art your cousin "Margaret" does!" and went on and on about "Margaret". That ruined any relationship I could have with that Grandmother
I have a list.
I wish I [terminated my pregnancy]
I wish I put you up for adoption.
List all the bad things about dad and then immediately tell me I look/act just like him.
What did I do to deserve such a disrespectful child why couldn't I have a good one? (I was not a bad kid at all, always home, cleaning the house, cooking for her, good grades, people pleaser, etc.)
She wonders why I never talked to her about big things happening in my life, why I put 5,000 miles in-between us, and why I haven't returned home for almost 10 years.
Meanwhile, the tone of your voice is also crucial as Susan said it's the setpoint for the conversation. “Do you want to have a discussion, or a fight? Stay calm. If you or your child is getting upset, take a break. 'I feel like I'm getting angry about this. Can we take a 10 minute break and finish the conversation when we're both calmer?'”
Sometimes, it’s a disciplinary issue that needs addressing, and in those cases, Susan suggests using the XYZ Limit Setting Statement. For example, “'When you do X, I feel Y, and I'd like Z.' For example: 'When you go out with your friends without permission, I get angry and anxious. I'd like you to tell me where you're going from now on.'”
I think probably the most toxic thing a parent can say to a child is any form of, 'Nobody will ever love you as much as I do' or 'I'm the only one who really loves you.' It's the psychological equivalent of a bear trap. Its purpose isn't just to hurt the kid, but to keep them from ever leaving.
Any time your mom talks about how much she weighed when she was your age. 'When I was your age, I weighed 98 pounds.'
In my experience, any time divorced parents say stuff like: 'Don't talk about that to your [other parent],' 'Tell your [other parent] this,' or 'Your [other parent] is trying to manipulate you.' It really screws with the kid's head.
My mums best friend was abused by her husband. At the end she managed to report him and they divorced but he manipulated the sons into believing that their mother was crazy abd they went to live with him. It broke her heart. It took them years to realise how terrible their father was and to go back to their mother.
At the same time, every parent should make sure to have consequences for bad behavior that fit the crime. Susan said that “you wouldn't ground your child for 2 weeks for not putting his plate in the dishwasher, and you wouldn't take his phone away for a day if he got caught shoplifting.”
When I was 11 I overheard my mother telling someone that at least my looks meant she didn’t have to worry about me being [touched]. That [screwed] me up for years.
My mother told me when I was 8, that nobody likes a fat girl. I wasn't even really overweight. That and many other things she said and did made me develop an eating disorder...at the age of 8. More than 30 years later, and a lot more mental abuse, I still struggle with the whole eating thing.
after i got accepted to my dream college my mom told me i’m too stupid to actually go and succeed. i graduated high school with honors. but i thought she was right. i dropped out before i even went. still regret it
“Another great strategy for communicating with your children is to ask yourself, 'What effect will these words have in the long run? What will I teach my child by saying this?' Is what you're saying going to teach them that it's OK to shout at others? That they're 'bad'? Put yourself in their position. What are they experiencing?”
According to the certified life coach, “children’s reality is much different from what we experienced when we were that age,” and if you're not sure, just ask!
I wish you were the one who [passed away] not your father.
As your mother, I have to love you, but sometimes I really don’t like you.
Fortunately, I never had to go through this, but I feel bad for anyone who had to.
"I understand but I don't respect you" - My mother after I came out twice. Some people think that's not a big deal. It is huge and it f***ing hurts so much.
We also talked to Kimberly Koljat, a licensed marriage and family therapist who said that “it is true adults often underestimate children’s capability of understanding the world around them, which can even have a negative impact on children and their sense of self.”
Not only can parents deeply hurt them by choosing the wrong words to communicate themselves, but the way they look at their child can cause a sense that children’s beliefs and thoughts are not to be trusted or that they’re invalid. “It later creates difficulty in setting boundaries, making decisions, or maintaining a positive sense of self,” said Kimberly.
"I'm glad that you're adopted it reminds me that you don't have my dna" "you're not a part of this family" and even in early years like 6 and 7 years old "you're not special. You are nothing and never will be something!"
OMG It's just so sad... Fortunately you don't have this DNA, cause it sucks.
My dad once told me he missed when I was a little kid, because back then I was dependent on him and couldn't say no.
I told that to a psychiatrist and her eyes damn near fell out of her face.
You ever parented a pre teen or teenager ??? Cause a lot of parents have those moments of wanting their babies back .. maybe not the best idea to share those thoughts but parents make mistakes and I am highly suspect of a psychiatrist who would be shocked by these emotions ..
"You're a useless disappointment" "Do you think you'll ever amount to anything?" "You're pathetic." "You're like a tiny little ant-- I could destroy you so easily." "I don't deserve you. I'm too good of a parent for you." "You're an abuser."
“We had you so you could donate organs/plasma etc to your sibling” like that film my sisters keeper.
I never wanted to have kids with your dad. He forced me to have you.
Retort: "I never wanted to be born, but you went ahead and created me. Touché"
my mum told me i deserved nothing in life because i forgot to do the dishes before she came home lol
"Look 'x' kid is doing it better than you"
"Look that kid is 'x' year old and they can do it"
"You're the reason why your dad and I almost divorced."
My dad told me I was the reason they got divorced. He was still telling me this last year before he died. I'm 52.
Saying 'okay' over and over again for years and years. Any accomplishment, any trial passed, any challenge won — just 'okay.'
"i kicked your mom out and i can kick you out as well."
Kimberly concluded that the key in raising children is modeling for them “the importance of empathy, understanding difference doesn’t mean 'wrong,' and learning to tolerate what may be experienced as frustration can be important skill sets to build with the children in their lives.”
"We think you'll be pregnant before you turn 18." This was when I was 15 and still a virgin.
My mom laughed at me when I said that I most likely have a mental illness or a disorder. Then she asked me if my grades were okay and I said yes, then she replied that it's okay.
I've been asking her to get me therapy for almost 7 years now :)
Life would be better without you. You are the reason for our misery.
Or: "you're ruining our marriage" "our marriage is more important than you" their marriage shouldn't b my fault or problem or business
'I'm going to throw myself off a building, you all hate me anyway.'
And a hundred variations of that.
When I was like 7 or something my dad told me I’d never get a job because of my [bad] appearance.
I wore a sock inside out.
Insulting your intelligence is a horrible thing for a parent to do. Something where if a friend or stranger had said it you might just laugh/shrug it off, but your own parent saying it? A good parent should stay away from anything that can ruin your self esteem because they hold a lot more power than they tend to realize.
That i'm useless and can't do [stuff] because I couldn't open a jar of tomato sauce for my mom at 1am
That is what the jar opener is for?? Hands not built for opening slippery vacuum-sealed containers???
The classics from my work as a voluntary Wellbeing counsellor:
"Why do you always make me sad?" or "Now you've made me sad."
"I wanted a better/nicer child."
"You don't really want this. I know you. You want {insert whatever parent wants}."
"I'm so disappointed now." + combined with silent treatment and/or crying.
Toxic parents are the number one reason for screwed up lifes. Worst of all, if you don't realize this and heal, there's a big chance you become such a parent yourself 😢
I could create an entire BP entry with all the s### my sadistic ogress of a mother said to me. Good thing my father was there to come to my rescue! I'm amazed they stuck together to the end.
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My 10 year old son is going through some anxiety issues at the moment. If my husband tells him to “Toughen up” one more time I think I might have to poke him with a pointy stick.
Your son shouldn't have to worry about whether or not his father will still love him. Your husband is a wimp if he can't handle someone else's anxiety.
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I studied to become a vet, but failed. That was 14 years ago. Became a trainee in a library, got a job there and have been working there for 13 years now. To this day, my mother tells all her neighbours, friends etc. that I‘m a vet because she‘s so ashamed of me.
Respect! My husband is a reference librarian. I told him that archeologists found ancient tablets neatly lined up: "The world's first cataloguers!"
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When I was 17, we were holidaying in Spain with my cousin and my parents. One evening after dinner I was laughing with my cousin in the living room when my dad came from his bedroom and slapped me because my laught was annoying him. My mother did not say anything (as she did not say anything during my childhood when he was beating me when I was not obedient enough or tried to voice disagreement...) I don't speak to them anymore nor want any relationship with them
Its horrible how cruel people can be with their kids. I am sending a big hug to all of them. Things that ny father said to me: "You are lucky that your mother loves you so much if not...", stupid, retarded, jerk, extremist, idiot... That when he wasnt giving me the cold shoulder. After he told me the first sentence I swore to never sleep there again.
“I wish you would stop focusing on your dysphoria and depression and work on your grades.”
LOL, right? God I heard this so much. Sorry for the both of us!
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I am adopted, and my bio relatives told my birth parents that "if you give her up for adoption their not really ours," "you should just abort them," "I'm not related to them." I'm turning 16 on the 8th of May and I have never seen any of my bio aunts or grandparents. I have seen one of my cousins, however. I have also found letters from my birthdad saying that his father wanted me aborted. My own grandfather. I see my bio parents every other year, however. (My pronouns are they/them so I used them while talking about me.)
Good riddance! You escaped them. I hope your adoptive parents are good to you.
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Toxic parents are worst, you grow up and get used to abusive relationships,believing you deserved this. Hard way there to raise your selfesteem, heal and find new ways and perspectives. Kudos to who all battle this fight. You deserve way more love and awareness than this
We used to have a ceremony. My dad would come inside the house screaming, I would wait for him, he came into my room, looking for a reason to tell me I did something bad (finding a bowl, untidy clothes,library book) and then hit me anywhere people won't see. Then the really bad part happened- my mom would come in and say she's sorry but I shouldn't have done the thing he was using as an excuse. It took me years to learn that it wasn't my fault. She still blames me every time something goes wrong in her life and later apologize in a "it's your fault " kind of way.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's so difficult to process that kind of awfulness, both from your dad AND your mom, and move past that. I think we need to form a bored panda support group for childhood abuse survivors.
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"I'm going to break my sobriety tonight and it's all your fault for pissing me off". "Your mother would be so ashamed of you if she was alive". "No wonder *abusive ex's name* gets mad at you".
Holy crap that is so messed up! No child should have to have that put on their shoulders.
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Too many of these applied to my life. And it sucked. then older siblings join in on younger siblings, sometimes. Or vice versa. To "ally" with a parent(s). Such parents teach tehir children to be cruel. Not good.
This happens a lot. The opposite can also happen though because sometimes siblings rally around each other. Personally, I felt guilty as hell when I left home because I kind of acted like a sheild for my younger brother who also had ADHD and attracted way too much negative attention from my controlling, perfectionist step dad. He ended up handling better than I did though. Turns out he was really good at recognizing the bullsh*t for what it really was. Bullsh*t.
Load More Replies... Mine: "you're fat and ugly no wonder you don't have any friends". Age 14
Ah geez. I got vresions of body shaming by age 8. Still fighting that an dthe ggaslighting "Oh, it's just you being too sensitive" .... and I'm 50.
Load More Replies... "Stop being so sensitive." "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" "Stop being so miserable." "Grow up a bit!" "Stop acting like an idiot/three year old." "Have some respect." "I'm not angry that you tried to k*ll yourself, I'm angry that you did it in MY house." I could go on forever....
I am so sorry. Your parents will probably never say it but you need to hear it from someone. You did not deserve that and you are worth every bit of love and respect a person can give. I still struggle from being told I'm a f*ckup who needs to get her sh*t together over and over. I know how it feels to be absolutely starved for positivity. We are so much better than they say we are. YOU are so much better. **Big hugs**
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i was once told to "open this door, or ill snap your neck like a pencil" really messed me up for a while
I went the opposite way. I needed to prove to myself that a parent can be loving and supportive and positive, so I try like hell to be that for my kids. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have some really amazing kids and they seem like they're turning out alright so far. They're the absolute center of my universe and I'm grateful as hell that they exist.
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I'm glad these all came with context or examples this time, as one or two of the word choices on their own dont have to be toxic. "You're just like your dad!" was a compliment to my best friend growing up who idolised his father. "I'm so disappointed in your choices" is a perfect valid thing to say to a 17 year old who borrowed the car and went drinking with his mates. HOWEVER, there is no world in the multiverse where "I wish you were never born" and similar should ever be said to a child. That's not to say these aren't perfect valid feelings for a mother (especially one with possibly undiagnosed postpartum depression) to have, but they should NEVER be vocalised within the hearing of said child - save it for the GP/mid-wife/therapist/girls night out.
Found out recently that my mother told my teenage boyfriend that I wasn't good enough for him and that was why he had broken up with me. Over the years he has had 4 unsuccessful marriages and I've been stuck in an abusive relationship. Me and him reconnected a few years ago and still feel the way we always had (that's when I found out what my mother had said to him). I have too many health issues that I will not burden him with now, and we both know we were cheated out of the last 34 years together.
That is so messed up! People forget just how damaging and life altering words can be.
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My mom once told me and my friend that she(my friend) was so pretty and we(my friend and I) should go into business together. I could be in all the 'before' photo's and she could be the 'after' pics. I never had a good self self-esteem and after that it was even worse. I never went to visit that friend again. I confronted my mom about it 10 years later and she denied ever saying that.
Yeah, mine's the same. They "lose" memory of every shitty thing they said rather than admit they were awful parents.
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I have one, "your words don't matter if I couldn't hear them." I am a relatively quiet person irl, I have a soft voice and a stutter, so it's definitely hard to understand me sometimes :|
2 weeks after my first child was born my mother came to stay. Midnight I woke up & could smell cigarette smoke in our open plan house. I went downstairs to find my mother drunk on whiskey & smoking at the dinner table. She was writing a poison pen letter to my husband (since divorced). I sat down after asking what on Earth she was playing at. She then said with a vile look on her face & a vicious tone in her voice “Your father always loved you more than me. How do you think it feels, knowing that for 25 years my husband loves you more than me?!” I was speechless and numb. That has never left me.
The asshole that knocked up my mother told my pregnant wife that she is so fat she could squash our child. Never saw that drunk asshole ever again. May you rot in hell.
Let me share this secret with you all, that I learned from one the few friends my mother used to have: When a parent says those horrible things to their children, " your worthless", "you never amount to anything", " your ugly", " I hate you", ect. Ect. ...They aren't really saying how they feel about you. In fact, they aren't really even saying it *to you*. And the crazy part, is even the parent doesn't realize it! They are speaking about how they *really* feel about *themselves*. Deep down, buried inside, how they truly see themselves. They are looking into a mirror, when they see you; and this doesn't mean that you are "just like them"-in fact, it's the reason they *dont* see you-just themselves; remember the saying that little kid bullies " only want to make you feel as insecure and bad as they feel, on the inside"? Parents can do this via their children, and never realize it. It was never that you were defective-you had a defective parent. This can change the course of your life.
I was born hearing impaired . My mother would slap me in the face for 'mumbling' on a daily basis. I could go on and on , but to what purpose?
i hate when parents not only tease their kids during their awkward years, and then say things on facebook like "my kid was really shy during their puberty time blah blah blah" .Shut the F*ck up
“You make me feel like a terrible parent when you *random action” “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it (no matter how I speak)” “quit rolling your eyes at me! (I never roll my eyes intentionally. I have Tourette’s)” “you just need to get over it (any time I mention my anxiety or depression or insecurities)”
My mom's father was physically and mentally abusive to her. Whenever her and I would get into an argument, and if I had the upper hand, she'd always say I was just like her dad. How messed up is that?
I wish I could walk up to every toxic parent, slap them and give them a loooong lesson on parenting
One time my mom was talking to me about how she was afraid I might try to end my own life. I could tell she was stressed. But then she said, "I'm just really worried that you're going to do it, and everyone is going to ask me 'Why didn't you realize' or 'Why didn't you do anything?" I know she was probably saying it would cause her regret, but it really made me feel like she only cared about me for her own image (which is a recurring thought I have). So just a reminder, if you're ever talking with a child about suicide, be careful not to make it seem like it's all about you. It's just upsetting to hear.
30 some out of 42. They were very busy, poor them, "giving me an education".
Ahh... yes... toxic parents... so common that I thought this was "normal" until I reached adult age. The phrase "Only a face a mother could love" - I literally didn't understand what that meant until, as an adult I figured out "Oh. Mother's are supposed to love you and think you're wonderful because you're their child" - my mother would *gleefully* - yes, GLEEFULLY like she was telling the funniest joke - tell people all the time how terribly ugly I was when I was born, and then lament about what a failure I am currently. She'd threaten "If dad and I divorce, it's YOUR fault"... "We had another child because you were such a disappointment"... "We want to kick you out, but that would make us look bad" - that was just daily talk. Mom made sure I knew how ugly I am though - she'd get her friends to comment on it too.
My dad used to tell me I'm prettier than, smarter than, better than, etc, my sister. Sounds like a compliment on the surface, really f****d me up making me compare myself to her all the time. Also "if you wanna cry, I'll give you something to cry about". Meaning, crying because you're emotional isn't a valid reason to cry, so stop or I'll beat you because physical pain is the only valid reason to cry. Happened often. Oh and let's not forget how he brainwashed us (mom, sister, me) to believe no one in our extended family liked us. Because he didn't like them and didn't want us to be invited to family holidays. My poor mom still lives like that with him. I wish she would leave.
My mother reminded us on a daily basis that she gave up a career and her freedom to raise us kids, so we should be grateful. She also made sure that we knew how relieved she was that school had started so she could have her freedom. Then she also made sure to tell me that my brothers and sister were planned pregnancies and that I was an accident. She used to proudly state how she had a hysterectomy right after I was born to make sure that never happened again.... Then she wonders why we never come around anymore. Well..you wanted your freedom...
This was a hard read. I’m adopted and every post here is something my adoptive mother told me, I’m not being over dramatic to say my childhood was very much like Cinderella doing chores constantly whilst their biological children are snacks and watched cartoons. It took me to the age of 30 (5 years ago) to find my biological mother and thankfully almost all the hurt has now been replaced with love, support and a true family
When I was 14, I was upset about something in my bedroom, I was just weeping. My dad saw, came in & asked what happened, I told him I didn’t feel like talking about it & somehow that got him so pissed that we didn’t talk for a full year after that. It was the most miserable time of my life because I was tiptoeing around the house & he was so silent or stopped talking whenever I enter the room. It was so uncomfortable to be in the same room with him so I withdrew to my room a lot. Mind you, I made an effort to talk & he either ignored me or walked away. Almost a year after that, it was his birthday & I wished him happy birthday with such anxiety that I was surprised he said thank you, few weeks after that he started acting normal & talking again...
The only discussion about that whole experience was one time a few months after he started talking to me again, we were talking about something else & he casually mentioned that I disrespected him because I didn’t tell him right away what I was upset about... that ruined any trust I had left for him. I could never look at him with any ounce of respect after that... I’m there for him if he needs because he’s my father but this is the reason why I don’t share my life stories with him, put as much distance as possible & move away to another country, and I rarely call him unless I feel bad that it’s been too long. It might extreme as it’s been 15 years since that happened, but I have no trust left for him & I don’t know how to go back to where we were in our relationship before this happened...
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I heard so many of these. My mother told me that if anyone (especially the 1st boy I fell for in HS) does like you they won't when they get to know you. I couldn't talk to him again for fear he would "get to know me". I developed social anxiety. I'm 66 and still have it.
There's something that my dad said a few times that's been on my mind lately. He'd say "If we were ever to fight I'd win. You know why. At some point you'll think 'I shouldn't be hitting my father'. I'll have no such compunctions so I'll win". At the time it always made me wonder if family is something that should stop violence, why wouldn't a son do that too? Then I think about how I'm not a violent person. I was only in one "fight" in grade school. I put it in quotes because I'm not sure it counts. I didn't hit the guy. He was my bully since kindergarten, and he said or did something that just made me snap. It was close to seeing red with rage. I don't even know what I was trying to do. I ended up just throwing my arms around his neck. I guess trying to choke him, but as I said, there was no actual thought to it. It was broken up before anyone got hurt, and I didn't get in trouble. I still remember how that felt, and I don't want to feel that way again.
I realize after reading this how great my parents are and I'm so lucky my parents aren't abusive
I've pushed down and forgotten every horrible thing my father said. It was mostly to my mum anyways. I just call him "The Idiot" in conversation now, and hope he gets hit by a high speed vehicle.
It's hard to "like" these as I would prefer to "care". "I don't love little girls who do that." I don't even remember the incidence, I was 3. Mom says she found me hours later hiding and still crying. At least she didn't do it again. Later: "Your butt is so big." "Your boobs are so small." "I hope you have a child just like you." I was with her shopping for a slip for her to wear to a wedding. In front of the sales girl, "Are your boobs as small as they ever were?" Staring at said boobs. I still hate my body and I am 70 now.
A lot of this [non professional opinion] sounds to me like projection. The parents have their own insecurities or remember their parents saying those things to them. I have my own words which you wish tou could forget and they leave a mark forever no matter how good/or bad your relationship is with said parent[s]. The hardest thing one can do is try to be better. Be better not just toward your kid but to complete strangers, a little bit of kindness can completely change someones day.
Oh man, where do I begin? I'm a 50 year old child of a narcissistic alcoholic mother. I'm not going to finish because it would be too long. Let's just say that toxic parents are real and trying to be a functioning adult with healthy relationships are not easy when you're completely effed in the head.
I tried to tell my father about my low self-esteem and he replied by listing the one time he didn't ask me why I didn't get an A+ instead of just an A
Scolding when they tell you they did something wrong and/or saying you should have done that. It is the way that they wont tell you anything.
Once i told my mother that i sometimes thought about suicide and she screamed at me and called me weak. This thread reminded me of that.
She would ask why she couldn't have gotten a kid that listened to her. Ask why she even got pregnant with me in the first place. Tease me for my interest in guys (Since she was a homophobe i never told her i was omni) Rejected me when i came out as enby. Would tease me for my weight. Called one of my friends ugly to her face because she ¨Didn't have enough makeup on to hide those hideous freckles¨ (I started dating her in highschool and we broke up when we started college) She once burned up my notebooks with fantasy animals and stories that i had worked on since middle school. (I was in highschool at the time) And so much more:)
My would threaten to commit suicide if we (Me and my younger sisters) (I'm the oldest child) didn't listen.
I'm in the process of breaking generational curses. Praying that I don't give my future children a childhood they need to heal from.
i dont really call this 'toxic' but its really annoying. so me and my sister sleep in the same room, and my mom told us to clean the room and it has to be clean by like 9 PM. it was 7 30 PM and we did what my mom told us to do, then like 99% of the room is all complete. then at 9 PM my mom checked the room and looked at that one spot where its not cleaned yet, ignoring almost all our hard work.
whenever I cry or act out, "we tried so hard to have you, we wanted you so much" no. you didn't want ME, you wanted a NORMAL CHILD.
I literally got told "I completely forgot you existed" when getting picked up from school, in December, at 19:30. School ended at 14:30.
I was mentally abused as a kid and I don't want to have kids myself. Human aren't perfect and I know how easy it is to screw up a child's life. And life itself is hard enough already. I don't want to bring someone into this life and subject them to the cruelty that is life and impose my imperfect parenting on it on top of it all. I'm ok with adoption because those children have already been brought to life and now they need help, but not my own - my could-be children can be happy in the 'nothingness'. My friends don't get it - most want kids cause they want to see their cute dna running around - which is pretty selfish, egoistic and idiotic reason to bring a human into this life in my opinion.
My mother attempted suicide, and then blamed me. She is not even my mother, simply the person who raised me - I'm adopted....
Mine are: 'Urgh stop being such a drama queen you only want attention' and after I came out as pan 'YOU DAREN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE, I'm so ashamed of you, I hate you and so will everyone else.' and when I told them I wasn't Christian and I practice witchcraft they teased me relentlessly and cheered on my brother when he made public fun of me and shoved me around up until they reduced me to tears twice. They also outed me many times, even after I asked them not to repeatedly I no longer tell them about any relationships for fear of what may happen and I let them use the wrong pronouns for me because I don't want to tell them I use others. Don't get me wrong, they're good people, kind, but they have very little respect for who I am, and they don't seem to understand how badly toxic they act, and how it upsets me. I still love them they're just a bit ignorant. But I'm so grateful for my mum, she's always so supportive of me. Love you fam, no matter how much your words hurt! (Excluding Mum)
Not gon lie that's a bit long but I also want to say I hope you all have a great family no one deserves what is shown on the ??article??.
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I couldn’t finish. I scrolled past the last half because it was hurting my heart thinking of all the children that are hearing this.
DUring my childhood, I really hoped my parents would finally get a divorce. They never did. I still can't forgive my father for how he ruined my childhood with his constant drinking and unstable behaviour. At least me and my sister didn't get beaten up (he never got to that), but I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety. He doesn't drink anymore, but I just can't get over the past.
I do not beleive my parents has ever said something toxic to their kids. They are the most kind and awesome people - I am.almost 50 years old, and I cannot remember once when they were disrespectfull or horrible. Angry when any of us did something stupid - sure - but never horrible about it.. Just saying most parents are actually awesome!
Do stepparents count? One time when I was about 13, I went to a restaurant with some of my family members, and apparently I did something minor that upset my stepmom. She wouldn't let it go, and for the whole car ride home she ranted to my dad about how bad of a person I am (while listing things that had nothing to do with what just happened) while I was right in earshot!
Honestly, though, I could probably write a whole novel on shitty things my stepmom has said. Not long ago, my stepbrother was asking for a mental health break (while crying, I might add) because and I quote, "Sometimes I just don't feel like myself". His mom responded "Oh, you're just making excuses!"
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My mum compares me to all of her friends’ kids. My brother and I are anti-social and not athletic. She always tells us how inactive we are and compares us to everyone else. Then she starts complaining about how ‘we didn’t have this when we were younger’. Well, what do you want me to do about it? My whole family blames my bad attitude off me becoming a teenager. Like, what do you want me to do about growing up?
I won't even talk about the most toxic thing my father said (and did!) to me, but let's just say it took me 30 years to un-repress the memories and realize that I had been a girl my entire life...
My niece regularly calls her daughter "Demon Child" and "Devil Child", and wonders aloud why anybody would want to have one of these things (children). Every time I hear her say something like that, I want to slap the s**t out of her. Niece is pretty f'd up herself. She wanted something to love her, so she got a puppy. My brother ended up taking care of him. She got a cat. Her BF ended up taking care of that. She got pregnant. Nobody really takes care of her daughter, who gets passed around to her grandmother, her other grandmother, her dad, and her grandfather and stepgrandmother.
I didn’t read all of these some of these just were too close to home. I haven’t spoken to my family for 10 years & I'm glad I did. Cut out negativity in your life & just watch how you flourish.
I cut my toxic mother out of my life when she announced that the biggest mistake she made in her life was not getting an abortion when she was pregnant with me.
"You're a worthless bastard, just like your father, and you'll die alone like him too!" - "All you'll ever deserve is to die in prison" (I wasn't even a criminal) - "I f*****g hate you, I've NEVER liked you, you disgust me!" ... parents can be vile, inhumane monsters.
"Get out of my sight. I don't even want to look at you. You make me sick."
I was told by my toxic mother that she never wanted kids. That she only married my dad to escape a abusive home and promptly divorced my dad once we were all married and out of the house. She told me I didn't turn out the way she wanted. Her biggest issue was how our actions made her look bad. I'm glad I didn't turn out like her! I never felt loved by her.
My husband's older brother died when my husband was 6 and he was 8. When my husband was a teenager his mother said to him in front of his friends "why couldn't it have been you that died instead of Wayne." His friends told me this after we were married, I wanted to hit her in the head with a pan and take that evil hag out.
"You'd be beautiful without the acne" She never took me to the dermatologist. "Why are you so fat?" Cause your boyfriend abused me and I'm trying to disappear. "No one ever loved you! I've always hated you!" Same here bitch. So many other hurtful things... Not everyone should have children.
I guess it’s not necessarily toxic but my mom always compared me to my niece. She claimed to be in college full time, have a job and half a dozen other things. Turns out she was lying (she got fired and she failed out) but the part that really stuck was that “why can’t you be more like....” was just gone one day. Basically I wasn’t ever the child she wanted me to be.
Probably not the worst, but I hate this " You should be grateful I gave birth to you". It was your choice. Even if somebody forced you, it sure as hell wasn't me.
I grew up with a mother who didn't believe kids could suffer from depression and stress . I was basically forced to suppress my thoughts and emotions I'm 26 now and she constantly tells me I need mental help, she finally admitted that she should've taken me to get help when I was a kid. My mental health has been out of wack the majority of my life and it's just getting worse.
My old boarding school sent out their annual newsletter. My mom's comment? "Pfft. I can't believe they would waste a stamp on you."
That is never amount to anything - this was from my stepfather, he was both physically and emotionally abusive. When he died in June 2018 I could finally feel freed. Because of his behaviour, abuse was normalised; I have Asperger's Syndrome so emotional stuff doesn't come easy to me. I am finally in a stable healthy relationship with a decent man.
i hate it when parents tease their kids about their awkward years, but still make articles saying bs like "oh my kid was really shy about puberty blah blah blah" shut the f**k up
I could def add to the list on here. Both my parents were absolutely horrendous. I didn't know what love was until I met my husband and realized how neglected i'd truly been. Even my friends parents were sad for me and would give me new clothes for my birthday because i was forced to wear my brothers hand me downs they never wanted to buy me anything. Christmas I was treated like garbage and given basically such while watching my siblings get royally treated and gifted wildly expensive things. When it was time for college and university applications my mom told me i wasn't smart enough or couldn't handle it for every profession i considered.
I have always been a creative person, doing artwork, making holiday decorations, etc. and when i would do something and my Mother saw it she would say s**t like "That is wonderful. Why don't you do something with your talent?" ya know because i didn't just draw this thing then sometimes it woudl be "you are wasting your life. you could be making big bucks but you just don't have initiative." And even when i got a job that i really worked hard for doing digital imaging, she said she doesn't understand why I wasn't in some big art studio. When i tried to explain to her that many artists don't support themselves solely on their art and that i never had any interest in doing that for income, she'd shake her head and tell me i was just making excuses or i was lazy
This isn't so so bad. She just doesn't seem to understand the nature of the work you do. These types of parents are really common in Asia. At least she suports your creativity.
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Yes...kids remember...i must have been about 4 when my dad gee i would love a little boy like that...talking about my little cousin playing outside...i am 53 an have never forgotten that statement...i dont think he meant to hurt me but words hurt
Every time I read one of these threads, I realize how genuinely insane my parents are. Fun times
I grew up under a very strict religious mother. I am an adult now. My mother and I have a good relationship- I told her years ago, she is never to speak to me about religion or God. I was told that I was going to Hell a lot, and that Jesus is the only way to have a life. I told her next time she mentions anything about God, the church, Jesus- I will sever all ties with her. I have strong boundaries. By the way- I think 'heaven" and 'hell' are here on earth. We are born alone. We die alone. Everything in-between is a bonus.
I had a brother who died in infancy, before I was born. My mother said once " I wish you had died instead of John".
"I wish you were never born" and "You should be dead" are things that my older sibs have been screaming at me since I was old enough to understand. They still say it to me when they have had enough to drink. They are now miserable, rotten, elderly sad sacks. They show every year of their age. I'm none of those things, which drives them nuts.
"You're so smart!", "You're smarter than this!", and so on - but always shut down my ideas, suggestions, or anything else I put forth. Wouldn't even hear me through; just dismissed me out of hand.
My father told me he never wanted children. The only reason he had us was because my mother pushed him. Such a sweet sentiment for an insecure 9 year old to hear. Just warms the soul. It was such fun being raised by a narcissist.
My mother pretty much told me she thinks I'm a horrible human being. I think she's deflecting because she's the one that lies, cheats, steals, and has been in prison (more than once). She wonders why we don't have a good relationship. My dad never wanted kids and had no problems telling us that. He openly mocked my mental illness but when he was suffering from depression he expected a pity parade. They've been divorced for more than 30 years and still pull the 'your mother.....' 'your father...' bullshit stories. They wonder why I drink when we get together as a 'family'
I have a few from my mom. For the record, I love her and am protective as hell of her because I think her parents really messed her up as well. That being said she really did a number on me as a child/ young adult. My parents divorced because my dad was abusive and couldn't seem to keep a job. I later came to realized his reasons for this was undiagnosed ADHD and depression. That doesn't give someone license to be abusive, obviously, but knowing these things gave me the ability to see it from more than one angle. My mom sees only one angle and if we show any kind of positive feelings toward our dad, even when we were young kids, then we're choosing him over her. She also got remarried to a man who was an abusive control freak. I got blamed as the reason why they argued. Then when I was 19 I confessed that a friend of mine was not just a friend but a girlfriend. Her response? 'I hope you got that out of your system.'
Even today I heard a small boy chatting really nicely with his mother. He wasn't pushy or asking anything odd, he was just curious about the products for sale. The questions weren't coming constantly and he was polite and quietly spoken. There were considered pauses after the replies and he seemed, honestly, a sweetie. His mother in tones of sheer exasperation 'could you just be quiet and stop asking me things. Even for just one minute. Could you not give me one minute. Why do you always have to be asking questions, I need one minute, can you be quiet for one minute'. To his credit he didn't say another word. I know I saw only a snapshot and who knows what she's going through but it did seem an overreaction to what was probably only 6 questions in as many minutes. I always wonder if they're like that in public, when people do hear and judge, what are they like in private. Not condemning her but it seemed such a shame when he was actually behaving beautifully.
"I'm the parent, and you're the child. I don't have to explain anything to you"
Toxic parents are the number one reason for screwed up lifes. Worst of all, if you don't realize this and heal, there's a big chance you become such a parent yourself 😢
I could create an entire BP entry with all the s### my sadistic ogress of a mother said to me. Good thing my father was there to come to my rescue! I'm amazed they stuck together to the end.
Load More Replies... My 10 year old son is going through some anxiety issues at the moment. If my husband tells him to “Toughen up” one more time I think I might have to poke him with a pointy stick.
Your son shouldn't have to worry about whether or not his father will still love him. Your husband is a wimp if he can't handle someone else's anxiety.
Load More Replies... I studied to become a vet, but failed. That was 14 years ago. Became a trainee in a library, got a job there and have been working there for 13 years now. To this day, my mother tells all her neighbours, friends etc. that I‘m a vet because she‘s so ashamed of me.
Respect! My husband is a reference librarian. I told him that archeologists found ancient tablets neatly lined up: "The world's first cataloguers!"
Load More Replies... When I was 17, we were holidaying in Spain with my cousin and my parents. One evening after dinner I was laughing with my cousin in the living room when my dad came from his bedroom and slapped me because my laught was annoying him. My mother did not say anything (as she did not say anything during my childhood when he was beating me when I was not obedient enough or tried to voice disagreement...) I don't speak to them anymore nor want any relationship with them
Its horrible how cruel people can be with their kids. I am sending a big hug to all of them. Things that ny father said to me: "You are lucky that your mother loves you so much if not...", stupid, retarded, jerk, extremist, idiot... That when he wasnt giving me the cold shoulder. After he told me the first sentence I swore to never sleep there again.
“I wish you would stop focusing on your dysphoria and depression and work on your grades.”
LOL, right? God I heard this so much. Sorry for the both of us!
Load More Replies... I am adopted, and my bio relatives told my birth parents that "if you give her up for adoption their not really ours," "you should just abort them," "I'm not related to them." I'm turning 16 on the 8th of May and I have never seen any of my bio aunts or grandparents. I have seen one of my cousins, however. I have also found letters from my birthdad saying that his father wanted me aborted. My own grandfather. I see my bio parents every other year, however. (My pronouns are they/them so I used them while talking about me.)
Good riddance! You escaped them. I hope your adoptive parents are good to you.
Load More Replies... Toxic parents are worst, you grow up and get used to abusive relationships,believing you deserved this. Hard way there to raise your selfesteem, heal and find new ways and perspectives. Kudos to who all battle this fight. You deserve way more love and awareness than this
We used to have a ceremony. My dad would come inside the house screaming, I would wait for him, he came into my room, looking for a reason to tell me I did something bad (finding a bowl, untidy clothes,library book) and then hit me anywhere people won't see. Then the really bad part happened- my mom would come in and say she's sorry but I shouldn't have done the thing he was using as an excuse. It took me years to learn that it wasn't my fault. She still blames me every time something goes wrong in her life and later apologize in a "it's your fault " kind of way.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's so difficult to process that kind of awfulness, both from your dad AND your mom, and move past that. I think we need to form a bored panda support group for childhood abuse survivors.
Load More Replies... "I'm going to break my sobriety tonight and it's all your fault for pissing me off". "Your mother would be so ashamed of you if she was alive". "No wonder *abusive ex's name* gets mad at you".
Holy crap that is so messed up! No child should have to have that put on their shoulders.
Load More Replies... Too many of these applied to my life. And it sucked. then older siblings join in on younger siblings, sometimes. Or vice versa. To "ally" with a parent(s). Such parents teach tehir children to be cruel. Not good.
This happens a lot. The opposite can also happen though because sometimes siblings rally around each other. Personally, I felt guilty as hell when I left home because I kind of acted like a sheild for my younger brother who also had ADHD and attracted way too much negative attention from my controlling, perfectionist step dad. He ended up handling better than I did though. Turns out he was really good at recognizing the bullsh*t for what it really was. Bullsh*t.
Load More Replies... Mine: "you're fat and ugly no wonder you don't have any friends". Age 14
Ah geez. I got vresions of body shaming by age 8. Still fighting that an dthe ggaslighting "Oh, it's just you being too sensitive" .... and I'm 50.
Load More Replies... "Stop being so sensitive." "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" "Stop being so miserable." "Grow up a bit!" "Stop acting like an idiot/three year old." "Have some respect." "I'm not angry that you tried to k*ll yourself, I'm angry that you did it in MY house." I could go on forever....
I am so sorry. Your parents will probably never say it but you need to hear it from someone. You did not deserve that and you are worth every bit of love and respect a person can give. I still struggle from being told I'm a f*ckup who needs to get her sh*t together over and over. I know how it feels to be absolutely starved for positivity. We are so much better than they say we are. YOU are so much better. **Big hugs**
Load More Replies... i was once told to "open this door, or ill snap your neck like a pencil" really messed me up for a while
I went the opposite way. I needed to prove to myself that a parent can be loving and supportive and positive, so I try like hell to be that for my kids. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have some really amazing kids and they seem like they're turning out alright so far. They're the absolute center of my universe and I'm grateful as hell that they exist.
Load More Replies... I'm glad these all came with context or examples this time, as one or two of the word choices on their own dont have to be toxic. "You're just like your dad!" was a compliment to my best friend growing up who idolised his father. "I'm so disappointed in your choices" is a perfect valid thing to say to a 17 year old who borrowed the car and went drinking with his mates. HOWEVER, there is no world in the multiverse where "I wish you were never born" and similar should ever be said to a child. That's not to say these aren't perfect valid feelings for a mother (especially one with possibly undiagnosed postpartum depression) to have, but they should NEVER be vocalised within the hearing of said child - save it for the GP/mid-wife/therapist/girls night out.
Found out recently that my mother told my teenage boyfriend that I wasn't good enough for him and that was why he had broken up with me. Over the years he has had 4 unsuccessful marriages and I've been stuck in an abusive relationship. Me and him reconnected a few years ago and still feel the way we always had (that's when I found out what my mother had said to him). I have too many health issues that I will not burden him with now, and we both know we were cheated out of the last 34 years together.
That is so messed up! People forget just how damaging and life altering words can be.
Load More Replies... My mom once told me and my friend that she(my friend) was so pretty and we(my friend and I) should go into business together. I could be in all the 'before' photo's and she could be the 'after' pics. I never had a good self self-esteem and after that it was even worse. I never went to visit that friend again. I confronted my mom about it 10 years later and she denied ever saying that.
Yeah, mine's the same. They "lose" memory of every shitty thing they said rather than admit they were awful parents.
Load More Replies... I have one, "your words don't matter if I couldn't hear them." I am a relatively quiet person irl, I have a soft voice and a stutter, so it's definitely hard to understand me sometimes :|
2 weeks after my first child was born my mother came to stay. Midnight I woke up & could smell cigarette smoke in our open plan house. I went downstairs to find my mother drunk on whiskey & smoking at the dinner table. She was writing a poison pen letter to my husband (since divorced). I sat down after asking what on Earth she was playing at. She then said with a vile look on her face & a vicious tone in her voice “Your father always loved you more than me. How do you think it feels, knowing that for 25 years my husband loves you more than me?!” I was speechless and numb. That has never left me.
The asshole that knocked up my mother told my pregnant wife that she is so fat she could squash our child. Never saw that drunk asshole ever again. May you rot in hell.
Let me share this secret with you all, that I learned from one the few friends my mother used to have: When a parent says those horrible things to their children, " your worthless", "you never amount to anything", " your ugly", " I hate you", ect. Ect. ...They aren't really saying how they feel about you. In fact, they aren't really even saying it *to you*. And the crazy part, is even the parent doesn't realize it! They are speaking about how they *really* feel about *themselves*. Deep down, buried inside, how they truly see themselves. They are looking into a mirror, when they see you; and this doesn't mean that you are "just like them"-in fact, it's the reason they *dont* see you-just themselves; remember the saying that little kid bullies " only want to make you feel as insecure and bad as they feel, on the inside"? Parents can do this via their children, and never realize it. It was never that you were defective-you had a defective parent. This can change the course of your life.
I was born hearing impaired . My mother would slap me in the face for 'mumbling' on a daily basis. I could go on and on , but to what purpose?
i hate when parents not only tease their kids during their awkward years, and then say things on facebook like "my kid was really shy during their puberty time blah blah blah" .Shut the F*ck up
“You make me feel like a terrible parent when you *random action” “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it (no matter how I speak)” “quit rolling your eyes at me! (I never roll my eyes intentionally. I have Tourette’s)” “you just need to get over it (any time I mention my anxiety or depression or insecurities)”
My mom's father was physically and mentally abusive to her. Whenever her and I would get into an argument, and if I had the upper hand, she'd always say I was just like her dad. How messed up is that?
I wish I could walk up to every toxic parent, slap them and give them a loooong lesson on parenting
One time my mom was talking to me about how she was afraid I might try to end my own life. I could tell she was stressed. But then she said, "I'm just really worried that you're going to do it, and everyone is going to ask me 'Why didn't you realize' or 'Why didn't you do anything?" I know she was probably saying it would cause her regret, but it really made me feel like she only cared about me for her own image (which is a recurring thought I have). So just a reminder, if you're ever talking with a child about suicide, be careful not to make it seem like it's all about you. It's just upsetting to hear.
30 some out of 42. They were very busy, poor them, "giving me an education".
Ahh... yes... toxic parents... so common that I thought this was "normal" until I reached adult age. The phrase "Only a face a mother could love" - I literally didn't understand what that meant until, as an adult I figured out "Oh. Mother's are supposed to love you and think you're wonderful because you're their child" - my mother would *gleefully* - yes, GLEEFULLY like she was telling the funniest joke - tell people all the time how terribly ugly I was when I was born, and then lament about what a failure I am currently. She'd threaten "If dad and I divorce, it's YOUR fault"... "We had another child because you were such a disappointment"... "We want to kick you out, but that would make us look bad" - that was just daily talk. Mom made sure I knew how ugly I am though - she'd get her friends to comment on it too.
My dad used to tell me I'm prettier than, smarter than, better than, etc, my sister. Sounds like a compliment on the surface, really f****d me up making me compare myself to her all the time. Also "if you wanna cry, I'll give you something to cry about". Meaning, crying because you're emotional isn't a valid reason to cry, so stop or I'll beat you because physical pain is the only valid reason to cry. Happened often. Oh and let's not forget how he brainwashed us (mom, sister, me) to believe no one in our extended family liked us. Because he didn't like them and didn't want us to be invited to family holidays. My poor mom still lives like that with him. I wish she would leave.
My mother reminded us on a daily basis that she gave up a career and her freedom to raise us kids, so we should be grateful. She also made sure that we knew how relieved she was that school had started so she could have her freedom. Then she also made sure to tell me that my brothers and sister were planned pregnancies and that I was an accident. She used to proudly state how she had a hysterectomy right after I was born to make sure that never happened again.... Then she wonders why we never come around anymore. Well..you wanted your freedom...
This was a hard read. I’m adopted and every post here is something my adoptive mother told me, I’m not being over dramatic to say my childhood was very much like Cinderella doing chores constantly whilst their biological children are snacks and watched cartoons. It took me to the age of 30 (5 years ago) to find my biological mother and thankfully almost all the hurt has now been replaced with love, support and a true family
When I was 14, I was upset about something in my bedroom, I was just weeping. My dad saw, came in & asked what happened, I told him I didn’t feel like talking about it & somehow that got him so pissed that we didn’t talk for a full year after that. It was the most miserable time of my life because I was tiptoeing around the house & he was so silent or stopped talking whenever I enter the room. It was so uncomfortable to be in the same room with him so I withdrew to my room a lot. Mind you, I made an effort to talk & he either ignored me or walked away. Almost a year after that, it was his birthday & I wished him happy birthday with such anxiety that I was surprised he said thank you, few weeks after that he started acting normal & talking again...
The only discussion about that whole experience was one time a few months after he started talking to me again, we were talking about something else & he casually mentioned that I disrespected him because I didn’t tell him right away what I was upset about... that ruined any trust I had left for him. I could never look at him with any ounce of respect after that... I’m there for him if he needs because he’s my father but this is the reason why I don’t share my life stories with him, put as much distance as possible & move away to another country, and I rarely call him unless I feel bad that it’s been too long. It might extreme as it’s been 15 years since that happened, but I have no trust left for him & I don’t know how to go back to where we were in our relationship before this happened...
Load More Replies... I heard so many of these. My mother told me that if anyone (especially the 1st boy I fell for in HS) does like you they won't when they get to know you. I couldn't talk to him again for fear he would "get to know me". I developed social anxiety. I'm 66 and still have it.
There's something that my dad said a few times that's been on my mind lately. He'd say "If we were ever to fight I'd win. You know why. At some point you'll think 'I shouldn't be hitting my father'. I'll have no such compunctions so I'll win". At the time it always made me wonder if family is something that should stop violence, why wouldn't a son do that too? Then I think about how I'm not a violent person. I was only in one "fight" in grade school. I put it in quotes because I'm not sure it counts. I didn't hit the guy. He was my bully since kindergarten, and he said or did something that just made me snap. It was close to seeing red with rage. I don't even know what I was trying to do. I ended up just throwing my arms around his neck. I guess trying to choke him, but as I said, there was no actual thought to it. It was broken up before anyone got hurt, and I didn't get in trouble. I still remember how that felt, and I don't want to feel that way again.
I realize after reading this how great my parents are and I'm so lucky my parents aren't abusive
I've pushed down and forgotten every horrible thing my father said. It was mostly to my mum anyways. I just call him "The Idiot" in conversation now, and hope he gets hit by a high speed vehicle.
It's hard to "like" these as I would prefer to "care". "I don't love little girls who do that." I don't even remember the incidence, I was 3. Mom says she found me hours later hiding and still crying. At least she didn't do it again. Later: "Your butt is so big." "Your boobs are so small." "I hope you have a child just like you." I was with her shopping for a slip for her to wear to a wedding. In front of the sales girl, "Are your boobs as small as they ever were?" Staring at said boobs. I still hate my body and I am 70 now.
A lot of this [non professional opinion] sounds to me like projection. The parents have their own insecurities or remember their parents saying those things to them. I have my own words which you wish tou could forget and they leave a mark forever no matter how good/or bad your relationship is with said parent[s]. The hardest thing one can do is try to be better. Be better not just toward your kid but to complete strangers, a little bit of kindness can completely change someones day.
Oh man, where do I begin? I'm a 50 year old child of a narcissistic alcoholic mother. I'm not going to finish because it would be too long. Let's just say that toxic parents are real and trying to be a functioning adult with healthy relationships are not easy when you're completely effed in the head.
I tried to tell my father about my low self-esteem and he replied by listing the one time he didn't ask me why I didn't get an A+ instead of just an A
Scolding when they tell you they did something wrong and/or saying you should have done that. It is the way that they wont tell you anything.
Once i told my mother that i sometimes thought about suicide and she screamed at me and called me weak. This thread reminded me of that.
She would ask why she couldn't have gotten a kid that listened to her. Ask why she even got pregnant with me in the first place. Tease me for my interest in guys (Since she was a homophobe i never told her i was omni) Rejected me when i came out as enby. Would tease me for my weight. Called one of my friends ugly to her face because she ¨Didn't have enough makeup on to hide those hideous freckles¨ (I started dating her in highschool and we broke up when we started college) She once burned up my notebooks with fantasy animals and stories that i had worked on since middle school. (I was in highschool at the time) And so much more:)
My would threaten to commit suicide if we (Me and my younger sisters) (I'm the oldest child) didn't listen.
I'm in the process of breaking generational curses. Praying that I don't give my future children a childhood they need to heal from.
i dont really call this 'toxic' but its really annoying. so me and my sister sleep in the same room, and my mom told us to clean the room and it has to be clean by like 9 PM. it was 7 30 PM and we did what my mom told us to do, then like 99% of the room is all complete. then at 9 PM my mom checked the room and looked at that one spot where its not cleaned yet, ignoring almost all our hard work.
whenever I cry or act out, "we tried so hard to have you, we wanted you so much" no. you didn't want ME, you wanted a NORMAL CHILD.
I literally got told "I completely forgot you existed" when getting picked up from school, in December, at 19:30. School ended at 14:30.
I was mentally abused as a kid and I don't want to have kids myself. Human aren't perfect and I know how easy it is to screw up a child's life. And life itself is hard enough already. I don't want to bring someone into this life and subject them to the cruelty that is life and impose my imperfect parenting on it on top of it all. I'm ok with adoption because those children have already been brought to life and now they need help, but not my own - my could-be children can be happy in the 'nothingness'. My friends don't get it - most want kids cause they want to see their cute dna running around - which is pretty selfish, egoistic and idiotic reason to bring a human into this life in my opinion.
My mother attempted suicide, and then blamed me. She is not even my mother, simply the person who raised me - I'm adopted....
Mine are: 'Urgh stop being such a drama queen you only want attention' and after I came out as pan 'YOU DAREN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE, I'm so ashamed of you, I hate you and so will everyone else.' and when I told them I wasn't Christian and I practice witchcraft they teased me relentlessly and cheered on my brother when he made public fun of me and shoved me around up until they reduced me to tears twice. They also outed me many times, even after I asked them not to repeatedly I no longer tell them about any relationships for fear of what may happen and I let them use the wrong pronouns for me because I don't want to tell them I use others. Don't get me wrong, they're good people, kind, but they have very little respect for who I am, and they don't seem to understand how badly toxic they act, and how it upsets me. I still love them they're just a bit ignorant. But I'm so grateful for my mum, she's always so supportive of me. Love you fam, no matter how much your words hurt! (Excluding Mum)
Not gon lie that's a bit long but I also want to say I hope you all have a great family no one deserves what is shown on the ??article??.
Load More Replies... I couldn’t finish. I scrolled past the last half because it was hurting my heart thinking of all the children that are hearing this.
DUring my childhood, I really hoped my parents would finally get a divorce. They never did. I still can't forgive my father for how he ruined my childhood with his constant drinking and unstable behaviour. At least me and my sister didn't get beaten up (he never got to that), but I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety. He doesn't drink anymore, but I just can't get over the past.
I do not beleive my parents has ever said something toxic to their kids. They are the most kind and awesome people - I am.almost 50 years old, and I cannot remember once when they were disrespectfull or horrible. Angry when any of us did something stupid - sure - but never horrible about it.. Just saying most parents are actually awesome!
Do stepparents count? One time when I was about 13, I went to a restaurant with some of my family members, and apparently I did something minor that upset my stepmom. She wouldn't let it go, and for the whole car ride home she ranted to my dad about how bad of a person I am (while listing things that had nothing to do with what just happened) while I was right in earshot!
Honestly, though, I could probably write a whole novel on shitty things my stepmom has said. Not long ago, my stepbrother was asking for a mental health break (while crying, I might add) because and I quote, "Sometimes I just don't feel like myself". His mom responded "Oh, you're just making excuses!"
Load More Replies... My mum compares me to all of her friends’ kids. My brother and I are anti-social and not athletic. She always tells us how inactive we are and compares us to everyone else. Then she starts complaining about how ‘we didn’t have this when we were younger’. Well, what do you want me to do about it? My whole family blames my bad attitude off me becoming a teenager. Like, what do you want me to do about growing up?
I won't even talk about the most toxic thing my father said (and did!) to me, but let's just say it took me 30 years to un-repress the memories and realize that I had been a girl my entire life...
My niece regularly calls her daughter "Demon Child" and "Devil Child", and wonders aloud why anybody would want to have one of these things (children). Every time I hear her say something like that, I want to slap the s**t out of her. Niece is pretty f'd up herself. She wanted something to love her, so she got a puppy. My brother ended up taking care of him. She got a cat. Her BF ended up taking care of that. She got pregnant. Nobody really takes care of her daughter, who gets passed around to her grandmother, her other grandmother, her dad, and her grandfather and stepgrandmother.
I didn’t read all of these some of these just were too close to home. I haven’t spoken to my family for 10 years & I'm glad I did. Cut out negativity in your life & just watch how you flourish.
I cut my toxic mother out of my life when she announced that the biggest mistake she made in her life was not getting an abortion when she was pregnant with me.
"You're a worthless bastard, just like your father, and you'll die alone like him too!" - "All you'll ever deserve is to die in prison" (I wasn't even a criminal) - "I f*****g hate you, I've NEVER liked you, you disgust me!" ... parents can be vile, inhumane monsters.
"Get out of my sight. I don't even want to look at you. You make me sick."
I was told by my toxic mother that she never wanted kids. That she only married my dad to escape a abusive home and promptly divorced my dad once we were all married and out of the house. She told me I didn't turn out the way she wanted. Her biggest issue was how our actions made her look bad. I'm glad I didn't turn out like her! I never felt loved by her.
My husband's older brother died when my husband was 6 and he was 8. When my husband was a teenager his mother said to him in front of his friends "why couldn't it have been you that died instead of Wayne." His friends told me this after we were married, I wanted to hit her in the head with a pan and take that evil hag out.
"You'd be beautiful without the acne" She never took me to the dermatologist. "Why are you so fat?" Cause your boyfriend abused me and I'm trying to disappear. "No one ever loved you! I've always hated you!" Same here bitch. So many other hurtful things... Not everyone should have children.
I guess it’s not necessarily toxic but my mom always compared me to my niece. She claimed to be in college full time, have a job and half a dozen other things. Turns out she was lying (she got fired and she failed out) but the part that really stuck was that “why can’t you be more like....” was just gone one day. Basically I wasn’t ever the child she wanted me to be.
Probably not the worst, but I hate this " You should be grateful I gave birth to you". It was your choice. Even if somebody forced you, it sure as hell wasn't me.
I grew up with a mother who didn't believe kids could suffer from depression and stress . I was basically forced to suppress my thoughts and emotions I'm 26 now and she constantly tells me I need mental help, she finally admitted that she should've taken me to get help when I was a kid. My mental health has been out of wack the majority of my life and it's just getting worse.
My old boarding school sent out their annual newsletter. My mom's comment? "Pfft. I can't believe they would waste a stamp on you."
That is never amount to anything - this was from my stepfather, he was both physically and emotionally abusive. When he died in June 2018 I could finally feel freed. Because of his behaviour, abuse was normalised; I have Asperger's Syndrome so emotional stuff doesn't come easy to me. I am finally in a stable healthy relationship with a decent man.
i hate it when parents tease their kids about their awkward years, but still make articles saying bs like "oh my kid was really shy about puberty blah blah blah" shut the f**k up
I could def add to the list on here. Both my parents were absolutely horrendous. I didn't know what love was until I met my husband and realized how neglected i'd truly been. Even my friends parents were sad for me and would give me new clothes for my birthday because i was forced to wear my brothers hand me downs they never wanted to buy me anything. Christmas I was treated like garbage and given basically such while watching my siblings get royally treated and gifted wildly expensive things. When it was time for college and university applications my mom told me i wasn't smart enough or couldn't handle it for every profession i considered.
I have always been a creative person, doing artwork, making holiday decorations, etc. and when i would do something and my Mother saw it she would say s**t like "That is wonderful. Why don't you do something with your talent?" ya know because i didn't just draw this thing then sometimes it woudl be "you are wasting your life. you could be making big bucks but you just don't have initiative." And even when i got a job that i really worked hard for doing digital imaging, she said she doesn't understand why I wasn't in some big art studio. When i tried to explain to her that many artists don't support themselves solely on their art and that i never had any interest in doing that for income, she'd shake her head and tell me i was just making excuses or i was lazy
This isn't so so bad. She just doesn't seem to understand the nature of the work you do. These types of parents are really common in Asia. At least she suports your creativity.
Load More Replies... Yes...kids remember...i must have been about 4 when my dad gee i would love a little boy like that...talking about my little cousin playing outside...i am 53 an have never forgotten that statement...i dont think he meant to hurt me but words hurt
Every time I read one of these threads, I realize how genuinely insane my parents are. Fun times
I grew up under a very strict religious mother. I am an adult now. My mother and I have a good relationship- I told her years ago, she is never to speak to me about religion or God. I was told that I was going to Hell a lot, and that Jesus is the only way to have a life. I told her next time she mentions anything about God, the church, Jesus- I will sever all ties with her. I have strong boundaries. By the way- I think 'heaven" and 'hell' are here on earth. We are born alone. We die alone. Everything in-between is a bonus.
I had a brother who died in infancy, before I was born. My mother said once " I wish you had died instead of John".
"I wish you were never born" and "You should be dead" are things that my older sibs have been screaming at me since I was old enough to understand. They still say it to me when they have had enough to drink. They are now miserable, rotten, elderly sad sacks. They show every year of their age. I'm none of those things, which drives them nuts.
"You're so smart!", "You're smarter than this!", and so on - but always shut down my ideas, suggestions, or anything else I put forth. Wouldn't even hear me through; just dismissed me out of hand.
My father told me he never wanted children. The only reason he had us was because my mother pushed him. Such a sweet sentiment for an insecure 9 year old to hear. Just warms the soul. It was such fun being raised by a narcissist.
My mother pretty much told me she thinks I'm a horrible human being. I think she's deflecting because she's the one that lies, cheats, steals, and has been in prison (more than once). She wonders why we don't have a good relationship. My dad never wanted kids and had no problems telling us that. He openly mocked my mental illness but when he was suffering from depression he expected a pity parade. They've been divorced for more than 30 years and still pull the 'your mother.....' 'your father...' bullshit stories. They wonder why I drink when we get together as a 'family'
I have a few from my mom. For the record, I love her and am protective as hell of her because I think her parents really messed her up as well. That being said she really did a number on me as a child/ young adult. My parents divorced because my dad was abusive and couldn't seem to keep a job. I later came to realized his reasons for this was undiagnosed ADHD and depression. That doesn't give someone license to be abusive, obviously, but knowing these things gave me the ability to see it from more than one angle. My mom sees only one angle and if we show any kind of positive feelings toward our dad, even when we were young kids, then we're choosing him over her. She also got remarried to a man who was an abusive control freak. I got blamed as the reason why they argued. Then when I was 19 I confessed that a friend of mine was not just a friend but a girlfriend. Her response? 'I hope you got that out of your system.'
Even today I heard a small boy chatting really nicely with his mother. He wasn't pushy or asking anything odd, he was just curious about the products for sale. The questions weren't coming constantly and he was polite and quietly spoken. There were considered pauses after the replies and he seemed, honestly, a sweetie. His mother in tones of sheer exasperation 'could you just be quiet and stop asking me things. Even for just one minute. Could you not give me one minute. Why do you always have to be asking questions, I need one minute, can you be quiet for one minute'. To his credit he didn't say another word. I know I saw only a snapshot and who knows what she's going through but it did seem an overreaction to what was probably only 6 questions in as many minutes. I always wonder if they're like that in public, when people do hear and judge, what are they like in private. Not condemning her but it seemed such a shame when he was actually behaving beautifully.
"I'm the parent, and you're the child. I don't have to explain anything to you"
