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Parenting is an obligation you cannot be careless about. How your child turns out will always reflect how you raised them and the environment in which they grow up. And if you mess up, your son or daughter will likely feel the effects for the rest of their life.
These people are sharing what the messed-up parenting practices they endured and are continuing to deal with, in some way. Some of them are about inconsistent rules, while others were stories about getting berated for having a different opinion.
If you’re a product of what you think is toxic parenting, we would love to hear your insights in the comments.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Telling the kid they can always be honest and tell the truth, then going nuclear when they do.
FranSinclair 5 days ago (edited)
I couldnt tell my parents anything (probably how i ended up a teen mom) so i wanted to have my baby be able to tell me anything. 2 yr old says "i gave my baby a potty bath yesterday!" I can hold that shock in well but once she started getting older and things got a bit cheekier i needed to reevaluate. Like when shes 9yr old and tell me she cheated on a test...i cant "ignore" that so since that point (about 2010) its now *if you do something you know was wrong and i find out from someone, youre in trouble. If you lie about doing something you know was wrong, you get 2x the punishment (like no phone for 2weeks instead of 1 week) BUT if you come to me as soon as you realize and we can talk about it...whatever those repercussions would have been get halfed. That baby i had at 17 is an adult now and my goodness am i lucky with how smoothly her growing up has been. We're very close and shes a great kid!
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago (edited)
I wish there were more parents like you who are disturbed, but aren’t a radioactive b0mb
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Auntriarch 5 days ago
Ah, you've met my mother then, she regularly overestimated her capacity for hearing the truth. At least my brother learned from that, his kids can tell him anything no matter how hair raising
FranSinclair 5 days ago
Ive always told my kids this and ive done freakin fabulous but once when my oldest was about 15 she told me she did something i couldn't believe. Shed actually snuck out of the house mid day...a man (19) in the neighborhood scooped her up, hurt her, and said he wasnt worried bc she couldnt tell bc she wasnt supposed to be out. Even that time i hugged her for a long time in silence and said "i need 5 mins this time" to think of what words to say to my baby then i obviously got his a*s to jail and her the help she needed but i think back to how she wouldve felt or where her story wouldve ended had i lost my s**t at "i snuck out" with your momma should always be a safe place
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detective miller's hat 5 days ago
Glad I only fell for that once. I learned fast with my mother.
RELATED:
#2
Making fun of or teasing them for their romantic interests. Adolescents aren't confident. They already feel foolish. It's like kicking a pet. And it can have the effect of delaying and ruining their confidence with romantic interests.
Spencer's slave no longer 6 days ago (edited)
My oldest son, now 35, started seeing his now wife when they were 14. Did I have doubts? Absolutely. Did I voice my doubts? Absolutely. Did I mock them? Absolutely not. They've been together over 20 years, married 11 and parents for 10 years. I love them both to bits and their kids are the lights of my life. Do not mock your kids, you will miss out on the best of them. I'm editing to add that I was the one they, and their friends, called for late night pick ups, safe spaces, beds to sleep in when home turned to custard. Be the parent that all kids need, not just yours. I'm not blowing my own trumpet, I'm simply saying that kids need safe people and places when their parents/homes aren't.
FranSinclair 5 days ago (edited)
You know what...im 35. I had my first crush at 6 and bf at 15 (same boy) my parents never mocked, teased, or down played our interests in eachother. Our marriage has officially lasted longer than any of our parents. We broke up once when i was about 17 for a little and i felt crushed in my heart and stomach, lost, alone. 4 years ago we hit a rough patch and id seperated from him for 3 months...that whole time all i could think was "it feels exactly the same" the loss of my bf as a teen hurt just as bad as losing my husband, the father of my children, my other half. Loves love baby!!
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Ravenkbh 5 days ago
Every time I bring a girl home my elderly father cries "Don't date ugly people!!!!" I hate it when the girl takes his advice.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
I’ve been dealing with this since I had a crush. From middle school :(
Farah (she/her) 4 days ago
My mums the same. Dont worry, you can rant to me if u want!
Load More Replies... #3
Making them "finish their plate," every time, regardless. Shaming them for eating too much / too little.
Best way to encourage an eating disorder at an early age.
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 6 days ago
I tried to handle dinner time with 'All of something and something of everything'. Even we adults often don't like a particular food. Don't force your kid to eat something they really don't like. But at least get them to try different foods.
Spencer's slave no longer 6 days ago
Thank you Michael P. I did that with mine and I do it with my grandkids. They need to know that it's OK to not like everything but it's important to try it first. Also, pizza and pasta sauce can have all the veggies they "don't like" if they help make it.
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Gizmo 6 days ago
We do a "try it" bite. They have to try it, but if they don't like it, they can have something else.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
My mom and dad did that to. As a result we are all very adventurous eaters and willing to try lots of different things.
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Anna Drever 4 days ago
We never made a big deal about food. We served what we thought they’d eat, portion-wise, and then seconds if wanted. All of our now adult children are on the slimmer side of the normal weight range.
#4
Shaming the kids for mistakes they make such as bed wetting, spilling things, etc. people make mistakes and kids need to know it’s okay to mess up sometimes.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
I once tripped over one of those decorative rectangular runner type rugs that my mom had on our kitchen floor. She was VERY particular about the rug's location, and god help you if you moved it even an inch from where she had it, or (god forbid) moved it so that it was angled. I don't know HOW she knew in her mind when it had been moved even slightly, but she did. Well, I tripped over the rug and tried to put it back in place, but I didn't notice that its far corner had folded over. Well, my mother noticed that corner the SECOND she walked into the kitchen. She was SO angry with me - I remember she picked me up by my shirt and threw me across the living room into the kitchen (she was STRONG and I was small.) I spent the next decade trying not to touch ANYTHING "movable" in the house out of fear. Couches and beds were safe; everything else was potentially the trigger for a rampage.
Earonn - 4 days ago
Not kids, but every new team member at work gets to hear the story of the fat error I made in a former company - complete with "my boss made fun of me for two weeks, but nciely, like a buddy". It always ends with "See, you'll have to put in some effort to eff up worse than me, and nothing bad happened to me. So relax". Hope it works.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
There's a move towards this, thank heavens - kids learn to write (type?) on a computer, if a mistake happens, just restart. It's called a 'soft learning environment' where, as you say, mistakes don't necessarily matter while learning. Does away with the old "You've blotted your copybook" hard learning environment they had in the past. Encourages experimenting , too. (NB - s****l organs are not a soft learning environment, however.)
#5
Berating them when they have different opinion than yours. This forces them to keep their thoughts to themselves.
Luke Branwen 6 days ago
On the other hand, if my hypothetical child started to show some signs of bigotry, of course there'd be a talk. Those aren't "opinions" in my book.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
I remember discussing rap music artists generally with my son when he got into it (a genre i personally loathe). He took on board the points I made about them (eg the show-off and glorifying the 'hood' while getting completely out of said 'hood'). He carried on listening, but stopped after a time. He later thanked me for pointing out these things in a non-confronting way.
#6
Just generally treating kids like they're somehow below you. Everyone's just as much of a person, and generally speaking people all have a similar capacity for intelligence. Your kids aren't dumber than you and they don't have to arbitrarily reach a certain age to be your equal, the only reason they don't know as much as you is they haven't been around as long as you have/haven't had the life experiences you've had.
You don't have to dumb yourself down to deal with kids, you just have to approach things in a way that makes sense to them based on where they are in life.
Luke Branwen 6 days ago
I'd even say that a lot of children are more intelligent and emotionally stable than a big chunk of adults.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
Yes - bell curve . About half the children are smarter than half the adults.
Load More Replies... Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
When I said for my parents to stop saying im living a bad life and this was not my home, they said I couldn’t have an opinion and when I said I was human, they said, no you’re not, not yet…….
#7
Not being present when they are excited about anything. On your phone, txting, watching tv, playing games etc.
Kids are exploring their world and making discoverys all the time. This is the perfect opportunity to boost up their self esteem by encouraging and telling them how smart and awesome they are. Its also a great bonding experience where they will look up to you.
Nothing more defeating than finding a discovery and then getting in trouble for it.
#8
When losing an argument the parent doubles down and doesn’t acknowledge they may be wrong. Like ever.
Something- problem with authority figures -something.
Daisydaisy 6 days ago
Always good to be able to say to your kids "Sorry - I was wrong - you were right". Or even "Sorry I was so crabby to you this morning. I was in a rush but I shouldn't have snapped at you like that and hurt your feelings." It means they grow up into adults who can apologise when necessary and allow themselves to make and acknowledge mistakes. Not all grown ups can do that
Earonn - 4 days ago
I went NC with my mother mainly not because of the sh/t she did but because she refused to acknowledge it. Making an error is just human. Behaving as if one didn't have to apologise because one did it to one's kid is the action of a cvnt.
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
I have always admitted when I was wrong with my children. It's only been important a couple of times, but very important to them. I learned this from my dad who once completely backed down about something because everyone wrote letters to him about it (we didn't normally write letters!). He graciously apologied and reversed his actions. Never forgotten that.
#9
Basing their entire worth on achievement.
How many "smart kids" from elementary school do you know that have trash mental health now? Probably a lot.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
My mom forced me into the Gifted And Talented program in middle school, and then pulled me out of public school after the 7th grade. She forced me to be homeschooled for 8th grade, made me take the GED when I was 13 (and I was just smart enough to be able to pass it.) She then made me start taking college classes when I was 14 YEARS OLD. I cannot even express to you the lifelong issues that caused, both in terms of burnout AND social issues/social awkwardness. I was already a weird kid with few/no friends, and making me take college classes with 18-20 year olds was... well, honestly, kind of traumatizing. It's not the only thing that gave me mental health issues, but I'm definitely a classic example of the "effed up 'gifted' kid" stereotype you hear about. Oh, and I'm not that smart. I never was. My mom just wanted bragging rights and the ability to say that her daughter was a genius who started college at age 14.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
My parents SCREAM. (A literal bloody scream) when I get under a 95/100 on anything. Im mentally dying w/a 91 in a class rn…
Lila Allen 5 days ago
OH HUGS I feel that. Would it help to tell them that most colleges give straight A students serious side eye. Kids with all A's struggle to handle classes more than a kid who has had to come back from a bad grade
Load More Replies... #10
Forcing an older child to wait a certain amount of time before they are granted a luxury and then not making a younger sibling wait that same amount of time before they get that same luxury.
It teaches the older child that the younger is the favorite and leads to a lot of resentment from the older child both towards the parents and the younger sibling.
Lost Panda 6 days ago (edited)
Vice versa as well. Don't allow the oldest to have/do XYZ and then postpone the younger kids. It happens both ways. *Edit: Wanted to add that I don't mean if old sibling gets a phone the little one does too, but rather the young one gets the phone at the same age to older one, barring any external reasoning.*
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
Yep, this is how it was in my childhood. My older sister is my parents' biological daughter (I'm adopted) and she ALWAYS got everything the second she wanted/asked for it, and I'd be told "we can't afford it" (which I later learned wasn't true) if I asked for a similar thing. Favoritism should not be displayed, and it's not limited to only the younger/youngest kid being the favorite.
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Zac 5 days ago
this is something i have tried to explain to my parents that they refuse to acknowledge. when i was 16, i had to show i had good grades, i had to get a job, and i had to get a bank account. when i did all three of those i was allowed to purchase a 25 year old pickup truck from my dads company as my first vehicle. i worked hard for that thing, and drove it for years. im the oldest of 6. i was told that was going to be the deal for all of my siblings. here are their first cars: sister1 new chevy sonic, sister two, new ford escape, brother new ford focus, sister 3 new ford mustang, sister 4 new ford bronco. and its not like my parents are now richer, they own the same company they always have and had more money when i was 16 than they do now that im in my 30s. it was just hard to see my siblings being gifted new things when i had to work my a*s off to be allowed to purchase something old and unwanted.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
I do sympathise, although that ratty pickup trick that you earned, will have been yours in a way that your siblings' presents never were.
Load More Replies... Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
Ever heard of the “chant”: Oldest does all the work, the middle is forgotten, and the youngest is the favorite? Thats not true. Here it is in good parenting: The oldest helps, the middle is still loved, and the youngest is still loved, but isn’t the favorite, per se.
CP 6 days ago
I explained to my boys (10 and 7) that the 7 year old will do things earlier than my 10 year old got to. It is just an inevitable fact of life. That and they are different human beings with different temperaments. I don't know if they understand right now, but it will hopefully stave off resentment.
#11
Not allowing your child to be angry. I see it so many times with friend’s kids or relatives. Children get mad and react and the adult immediately says something along the lines of “fix your attitude”. Children have emotions too and need to be taught to express and work through them in order to be a part of civilized society.
CP 6 days ago (edited)
It is okay to be angry, it isn't okay to lash out. That being said it is impossible to not lash out all the time.
A Jones 5 days ago
That's true, it's good to guide on how to handle your emotions. "Sure you can be angry, but use that energy to vent it in a healthy and civil manner. Write, talk, vent, go for a walk. spend the energy safely, don't bottle it up"
Load More Replies... Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
My parents wouldn’t let me be angry, so when I was able to/I couldn’t handle it anymore, …. Let’s just say I broke stuff and yelled at the top of my lungs. Never trapmanger or that will happen ;(
#12
Using your kid as a joke. Like doing or saying something to get a reaction out of them for an audience.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
Reminds me of the cake my mom got for me for my 7th or 8th birthday (can't remember exactly what year it was.) I'll attach a pic of it in another comment. When my mom walked out of the kitchen and set it down on the table in front of my friends, cousins, and extended family members, she was laughing hysterically. I read what was on the cake and started crying (because, you know, I was like 7.) My mom INSISTED it was "just a joke". Even if it was (I doubt it, she's actually a mean person) - it was the kind of joke you can have with your ADULT children if you have a good relationship with them. It's NOT something you "joke" about with your 7-year-old who knows she's adopted and knows she was only adopted because you didn't want your biological child to be an only child.
#13
Using your kid as your therapist. Your kid will want to make you feel better, and they might be very good at emotional support. It'll seem easy. The fallout doesn't happen until a decade or two down the road. You're there to support your kid, not the other way around.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago (edited)
Sometimes parents treat their kids like emotionless stressballs. There’s a story on YouTube that a lady would shove a hot iron on her kids limbs to relieve stress.
Chuck the Cat 5 days ago
What. What did I just read. She better be in jail for life right now.
Load More Replies... #14
Helicopter parenting. Mine was to the point of total isolation. I wasn’t allowed to go to school (I got pulled out and home schooled), go in my backyard, or even visit friends without a parent present until I was 18.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
I was homeschooled for one year and I was VERY lucky that the system was relatively normal. My state (California) had a required curriculum, so parents couldn't just choose to teach that evolution wasn't real etc., and I was fortunate that my dad was the one who "taught" me, as he actually had college degrees in history and engineering and wasn't a nutball or religious or anything like that XD He mostly let me do the work on my own, at my own pace. HOWEVER, it was HORRIBLE for my social development. I was 13 when my mom pulled me out of public school and she made me start college at 14. I never went to high school. Sometimes school súcks and the kids can be awful, but having ZERO social interaction with other kids your own age is also very, very bad. I'm still not really good at social interaction :(
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
Ha ha! I went to see Led Zeppelin at 14. My mother could never explain to me later in life why she did let me. I was the youngest of 4 which explains a little, perhaps.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
Oh they should...but they do not. I can attest that ( I'm a teacher) we get homeschooled kids in high school who are unable to pass basic 3rd-4th grade tests because their " homeschooling" was them just going to the zoo or a museum or watching a documentary. It's super frustrating trying to catch a kid up on 10 years of classwork
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Siege Rook 5 days ago (edited)
So much ignorance going on here regarding homeschooling, I don't even know where to start, except to say that the above happens with and without homeschooling. AH parents come in all flavors, and some of you might as well be throwing shade at Henry Ford for all the vehicular deaths that happen every year. Just because some homeschool parents get it wrong doesn't mean all public schools get it right, either... given what an absolute disaster public (and even private) education is in this country. My wife and I both found it to be awful, and trust me, our children know how lucky they are not to be in public school, given what they hear from their friends.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
I was homeschooled during the pandemic of COVID. I couldn’t go outside without a face shield and mask and gloves on.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
That was more of a necessity and not bad parenting. Hopefully you're back in school and doing well
Load More Replies... #15
Screaming at your child until they don’t know right from left then being overtly kind to pull them in closer.
Breeds all sorts of anger issues, trust issues and resentment.
Continually bragging about things your child is not proud of to other people. Cheapens the experience being shared, & the annoyance company inevitably feels makes you afraid of the limelight. The connection with the parent also feels more superficial.
Any kind of “being harder to make them hard” kind of treatment. I get saying “no” when necessary but teaching a child that the pain their own family inflicts on them is for the sake of growth will either make the child passive or feel like a martyr.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
Emotionally unregulated adults mess kids up. They haven't learned to manage their emotions so they take them out on the kid. It's not you. it's them. See if your school has counseling and talk to them. Check out some books on grey rock method
Load More Replies... #16
Playing the victim card whenever something goes wrong. The child will adopt a similar reaction to problems when they occur and no one will get anywhere productively.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
The parents should’ve learned to do that a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
Yeah. My mother was very good at making everything someone else's fault, in a subtle way sometimes. It took me decades to confront and fix this habit in myself.
#17
Never accepting your kid is right and that you are wrong sometimes. Never letting your kid gain confidence in their opinion.
Sometimes, you owe your kid a big apology and don’t get mad when your kid speaks back to you, it’s called a debate.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
My kids are very good at talking back to me (respectfully, mind!). It's something I've always encouraged, and I'll always listen even if I completely disagree.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
Just repeat the phrase "You're right and I'm wrong, get used to it" and see them think that through . Then their eyes light up ...
#18
Here's an iPad, now leave me alone.
Luke Branwen 6 days ago
Older people smugly complain about "phone-a******d iPad kids" while not realizing it was THEM who gave them the iPad in the first place when parenting became too much of a burden for their mental well-being and employment.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
And, hilariously, depending on the parent's age, they might have been of the generation where TV was the big thing and their parents just parked them in front of the TV for hours each day - basically they're just being hypocrites XD
Load More Replies... Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
My parents gave me an iPad at 7, and surprisingly, a was the most rude at 7-13. And they said I should socialize with them when they give me tasks and iPad to stay quiet
Sam Trudeau 5 days ago
I like to say "Those kiddos on Mommy's phone/iPad/laptop/etc" when referring to young enough kids
MushroomHead22 5 days ago
these devices are meant to assist, not take over. i let my son play a game on my phone when we are shopping at like walmart or something. instead of him asking for everything he's distracted. once we leave the store he gives it back. he doesn't always get it in the store either, but when i know im tired and want this done quick.
#19
Being too focused on money.
We were lower middle class growing up, but my mom was always so fixated on how much everything cost that it kind of messed me up. Even though I’m comfortably middle class, probably upper middle class, I still find myself focused on the price of everything. I can’t bring myself to buy anything full price even though I can afford it. I have a hard time throwing things away because I spent money on them or because they could be reused.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
It always amazes me how 'class' in America is determined by how mch money you have. That's not classy at all!
amy lee 6 days ago (edited)
I disagree with this. Her mum was struggling with money and having to be careful. You have to explain to kids why they aren't getting an extravagant Christmas/ birthdays etc like other kids. That you don't love them less but because that's all you can afford. The other choice was letting the child feel less loved or going into debt. None of these options are great. I'm willing to bet that her financial security now is down to bring taught the harsh reality.
Auntriarch 5 days ago
This could also be that the mother wasn't really struggling, but had been even poorer growing up and that made it's mark on her.
Load More Replies... Andrew Keir 4 days ago
Sunk cost fallacy. Endowment effect. If you aren't using it, maybe charity shop?
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
I get pissed off when I got an expensive product with my allowance (younger times), like a hair mask, and my mom stole it and used almost all of it and said it’s hers and just loaned. I paid my money for it.
#20
Divorced parents;
DO NOT USE YOUR CHILDREN AS LEVERAGE!
DO NOT TEACH YOUR KIDS TO HATE THE OTHER PARENT
I can not all caps enough! My parents went through a divorce so messy it was in iur state newspapers. My mother treated me and my sister as property not children, and she attempted to teach us to hate our father.
I spent years influences by this. When I lived on my own as an adult I realized just how messed it all was. Thankfully my dad is literally the nicest person in the world it just took forever to realize it...
It messes up kids for years, self-esteem issues, emotional growth, and overall a jaded perspective. Please don’t.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
My parents split when I was 5. My father never said a single bad word about her. Not one. I remembered that forever.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
Best model for healthy divorce is Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. They had every holiday and family thing together. Never made their kids pick sides. Never trashed each other in public or private. Really great example of respectful coparenting.
#21
I think a modern development that's pretty bad for children is over scheduling. There is pressure to have your children doing lots of activities, either at home or additional classes and sports and so on. Some of that is great obviously and it's always good to give a child access to the resources they need that might make them thrive or to pursue a hobby they enjoy.
But it gets taken too far in some cases and some people won't let their children rest or relax unless they are doing something educational and productive. I think that creates neurotic adults who get stressed and never feel that what they do is good enough. I suspect it's a factor in some people having mental breakdowns too.
Learning to relax is a life skill too.
Luke Branwen 6 days ago
IMO it creates good, obedient employees who know that free time is a luxury they don't always get to have. And then you wonder why the society is Like That.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
My parents made me do piano and bassoon. I chose to do taekwondo to beat them up for all the horrifying things they have done to me.
#22
Never allow their kids to express their emotions. I wasn't allowed to cry or get visibly upset, and for a long time, this forced me to adopt bad coping habits where I would scratch at my skin until I bled or pulled my hair out. I still can't handle conflict well.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
Express emotions or repress them. One of these works better. Coping is for adults - I hope.
#23
Giving toddlers tablets, and small children phones. There's a reason why tech giants raise their own children device free.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
We didn't have tablets or cellphones when I was a kid, but my mother definitely would buy every game console on the market and tell me to "leave her alone and play games".
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
A family member was put behind the sofa every afternoon while mother had her 'peace and quiet time'. We're still discussing whether that was good parenting or not.
Load More Replies... #24
Saying "Because I said so", or "I'm the mother/Father". Thanks for the lack of logical sense.
Luke Branwen 6 days ago
"You have to do it because I'm the parent and I say so" often evolves into "You have to do it because I'm the boss and I say so" or, even worse, "I'm the husband and I say so". Teach kids to call out this BS.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
culminating with "We're the Government and we say so". Which may be acceptable for laws but makes for disaster when used in day-to-day discussion.
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
Once i explained to one of my kids why they shouldn't do something. My mother said "So you explain why to children now?" Yes, mother, we do. It highlighted to me how our parents never did.
Stardrop 5 days ago
my parents crash out if i ask them to explain why and say im being disrespectful :/
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
That's not 'respect' they are demanding, it's subservience. Respect is earned, not owed. It's a shame nobody has used the phrase "Help me to understand why (X) is wrong, then I'll not make that mistake again" on them.
Load More Replies... #25
Just getting them in trouble without talking time after the situation is over and taking about it. Parenting takes time, and if you don't go talk to your kids after, you aren't doing your job.
Here is what you did. What were you thinking when you did it? What was your perspective? Okay now that I understand what your position was before it happened, what are some other ways you could have dealt with that in another manner? If someone did that to YOU, what could they done instead that YOU would be most responsive to?
Just questions like that. Don't talk AT them, talk WITH them. Go on a journey together and find a better way.
Let them know what the punishment is for their action (and ideal punishments make the situation right, they arent just aimless "go to your room" punishments). You are now going to save your money by doing their chores for them, and use that money to replace the thing you broke. That kind of thing.
Make sure they know to you love them. That they know you are there for them. That they know you would have their back if this was done to them. And that making things right is what adults do, and you think they are ready to start adult training, because they are a very mature kid that you are very proud of.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
An impressive list of ways to get bad things to become better. Upvote OP.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
The punishments my parents gave were taking away my mobile games for a certain amount of time. It genes time to relent instead of scrolling and gaming. It’s good and bad at the same time :/
#26
One I havent seen yet is, opposed to being a helicopter parent, being completely absent from their life and giving them no sense of responsibility, discipline or accountability.
My mom who I lived with for the majority of my childhood did *nothing* to prepare us for the real world. We were never even asked to cook, clean, do our homework, brush our teeth, etc.
I only started learning at like 12 or 13 because my dad took it upon himself to show me.
And those all sound like simple tasks but when you grow up not being expected to, certain habits like cleaning up after yourself or brushing your teeth *can* be challenging to get into when its so easy to just...not do it.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
Same! My dad is the one who had to teach me how to use a pad and a tampon when I started menstruating at age 11. Apparently I disgusted my mother too much XD
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Brian Droste 5 days ago
I was never taught how to clean or do laundry, cook. I had to learn to do all of this on my own. When I was learning to cook I remembered some things from observing my mom cooking.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
Yes, I was never taught housekeeping. It's absolutely essential. Please get children to help in all household tasks!
Lila Allen 5 days ago
I firmly believe all schools should have the program my school does. 14 year olds are required to take the class. It is broken into 4 quarters. 1- foods/nutrition/cooking 2- basic cleaning, laundry, sewing, etc 3- basic auto and home repair and 4- money management and self awareness/emotional skills. Makes a huge difference in how prepared kids are when they graduate.
#27
Never telling your child no. I see parents all too often never telling them no and negotiating with them. How will they ever be successful in life if they have no consequences because parents never say no or cave in to every whim?
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
There's a lot of living in between "Never saying no" and "Having boundaries". Maybe negotiation might be a default, with the occasional situation that needs sharp and clearly defined boundaries. I said 'occasional ' !
#28
Giving children no privacy.
Just because it’s your kids doesn’t mean that they are extensions of yourself and shouldn’t be allowed secrets and a personal life.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
We were NEVER allowed to close any doors in my house, ever, let alone lock them. Even when we were going to the bathroom or taking a shower - we weren't allowed to close the door. I remember taking showers and my mom would walk into the bathroom and start doing her makeup, or would use the toilet, and I always felt so horribly exposed. When I started getting older, she'd criticize my developing body and say nasty things about how I looked when she'd come into the bathroom. (We had clear glass door shower doors too, not a shower curtain, so she could see right into the shower and see me completely náked.) It was completely baffling to me when I used to spend time at my boyfriend's house when I was 18 and I could CLOSE THE DOOR when I was taking a shít.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
My dad literally said: I own you bc ur my kid.
Load More Replies... Auntriarch 5 days ago (edited)
I was allowed to close doors but not lock the catch ("what if you faint in the bathroom?"). But nobody ever walked in on me.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
I always gave my children privacy because I almost never had it. That made me very secretive and probably paranoid.
#29
Inconsistent rules. If you say "no X until you have finished Y" enforce it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you as a parent don't have the discipline to enforce the rules you make, how can you expect your child to learn anything positive about discipline or rules?
Lost Panda 6 days ago
Additionally: If your co-parent instills a punishment (that is reasonable for the offense) you also enforce it. Do not throw your partner's work out the window.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
Yes - and if your partner gets it wrong, don't overrule them persuade them to reverse their faulty decision. Otherwise, you are bringing up a child who will learn to cut you two apart.
Load More Replies... #30
Punishing emotions and the reaction instead of teaching emotional control and accountability for one's actions.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
Actually they are. Discipline and teaching are great. Punishing is just hurting someone to force compliance. For example - Kid makes a big mess intentionally. Punishing would be grounding them or taking stuff away. Discipline would be having them clean the whole mess up and talking through why that wasn't the right thing to do.
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#31
Never saying "I love you" and never hugging them.
Auntriarch 5 days ago (edited)
My parents have never told me that they love me, but you don't have to feel sorry for me, because they've spent the last 67 years showing me that they do. And they're great huggers.
Lost Panda 6 days ago
I will agree with a caveat. Hugging them only if they are okay with it. My daughters are at the age that to them it is weird/gross. My son still wants a half-hug every night before bed. The love you part is universal.
#32
Raising boys with the goal of "damage control". IE, assuming he's a monster and then trying to "correct for it".
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
My only suggestion for raising boys is - catch them doing something right! And praise them for it. Any later punishments for wrong-doing will be remembered against that back-cloth.
#33
Let's see:
1. Mom is a hoarder, could never have friends over
2. My sister many years before me was a wild one and resulted in me not allowed to go to friends house.
3. No acknowledgement that puberty was a thing and the wonderful horror that was my first period
4. Going clothes shopping when you don't have a lot of money generally means buying up one or two sizes. I didn't have properly fitting clothes until I made my own money and bought my own clothes
5. My mom and dad stayed together for my sake when they really should have split when I was four or five. I did not have a healthy romantic relationship modeled at all.
The result was I am kind of socially incompetent, fashion sense is severely lacking, can't do makeup and don't have the confidence for it, and will only spend a Max of 3 days at my mom's house per year, over Christmas.
Stardrop 5 days ago
my parents never had any form of "the talk" with me. i learned everything i had to via books from the library. honestly im just glad i got it from there and not the internet.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
"The talk" is horrendously embarrassing when it happens, and even worse if it doesn't. And even worse for girls, I'm told.
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#34
Kicking a kid out.
It's been 23 years. I move every year like clockwork and can't stay in one place because I'm still looking for a home. Every time my husband I had a disagreement for the first three years of our marriage I started packing so I could leave before he kicked me out, which he would never do. I assume everyone will get rid of me if I'm not perfect. I serial quit jobs because I don't want to face any rejection such as being fired, so as soon as things aren't 100 percent I get scared and run.
Not only did my mother kick me out at 15, she lied to children's services and said I just wouldn't come home. But every time I tried to go home I wasn't allowed in or she would attack me in a way that didn't leave marks until I got scared and took off. Since children's services and my school didn't help me I ended up not trusting anyone to help me. She eventually must have been getting some heat from children's services because she hit herself while I was there and called the police to say I made scratches on her. Then children's services wouldn't help me, no one would and because I was under charges I got kicked out of school. I ended up on the streets, hitchhiking in the rain in November with no jacket because she said I didn't own one when the cops came. The cops dropped me off at the most dangerous highway and told me to figure out a way to a friend or family members house.
And since 15 is a vulnerable age, I attracted people who hurt me and used me. Pure sociopaths. But since the authorities never helped me before because my mother would lie, I didn't trust them to help me then.
My mother also refused to let me have a bedroom for two years before kicking me out and I slept wherever I could meaning if someone was watching tv I didn't get to sleep until they were done. Until I married my husband ten years later I just passed out wherever despite having a bed because I was taught beds were for good people and I wasn't good.
Also, treating your kid with differing expectations, as though they are less than even their friends and siblings. I didn't consider myself a person with the same rights as other people from about age 3. It led to a lot of hurt because I figured I didn't have the same rights as everyone else.
The good news is, I don't have anything to do with that psycho. None of us do. She can explain to all the people she spoke badly about me to why none of her children speak to her. I make good money and sleep in a super fancy bed now. I make more money in a year than she does in a decade. It took awhile to get over all the things, and I'm still working on it, but I didn't turn out like her.
Brian Droste 5 days ago
I am so sorry that you had to ho through all of that as a child. I am so glad that you are doing whole lot better.
Wonnie-Cookie713 5 days ago
If I were you, I would’ve stood up to her, face to face. It is useful, but sadly, kids raised like this don’t know… I wish you a better life ahead if you.
#35
Teaching them to fear authority by policing their every move. Not allowing them to make some of their own decisions or have a say in what happens in their lives. Refusing to listen to their opinions and speaking over them, I think the most damaging thing my father has ever done to me was not allowing me to share my point of view or talk back to him in any way. It made me dangerously submissive and allowed me to get myself into situations that could have been avoided if I knew how to say “no”.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
And always have your hands ready to do the catching. It will be needed.
Load More Replies... #36
Being anti-vaxx.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
My kids are both extremely grateful for getting them fully vaccinated. The alternative is insane.
#37
Acting like they’re incapable of feeling stressed or sad and telling them they’re just looking for attention when they try to talk about it.
#38
Getting mad at them for crying. Like how about finding out why they're crying and talking to them about it, even if it's just to make them realize they don't really have to cry about it? Apparently talking for some parents is overrated.
#39
Making a kid clean their plate or letting them eat without regulation.
As someone with an eating disorder, free access to cereal after school and then having to clean my plate every night meant I was obese by fourth grade
I wish my parents had paid more attention to what I was eating and not so much time demanding I eat everything presented to me.
Daisydaisy 6 days ago
I heard today of a mother teaching her kids to "leave a bit for Lady Manners". I wish I'd been taught that, frankly!
#40
Not talking to your child in an age appropriate manner about appropriate things
Thanks Mom. I don't really need to know how much of a baby you think my dad is because he needed time to grieve my still born older sister.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
I was considered the irresponsible parent at my kids' schools because I openly discussed drûgs with them. They were going to be exposed to them (this is reality, not a fantasy world!), so I thought it better to get proper information from me. They learned what was dangerous, and why not to do anything at all, even alcohol or tobacco, before 18. After 18 I helped them understand the good, bad and ugly of it all. Neither abûse anything as adults.
Lila Allen 5 days ago
People don't get it. You don't protect your kids from danger by hiding the fact that danger exists and keeping them in a bubble. You protect them by teaching them to recognize danger and be aware and prepared. Kid raised in a protective bubble are so vulnerable to a***e because they have no idea it's out there.
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Kelly Scott 6 days ago
My mother's coffee klatch group used to pass around books that could probably be considered p**n. Then she'd give them to me to read, knowing perfectly well what was in them but never talking to me about them. I didn't know any better and didn't really have any idea of what was going on in these books as I was about 12. But when I was in 8th grade, I responded to an English teacher's question in class completely inappropriately without even knowing what I was saying, and he came unglued. He yelled at me in front of the class and put me down and I couldn't figure out why until years later. So I was the weird one then in high school until I quit in 10th grade. Thanks, Mom, really appreciated that.
#41
Joking about your child not getting A's on their assignments, report cards, etc. While it's nice that you want them succeed and be good at what they're learning, it doesn't mean they're actually learning. Plus it makes them feel as if what they do is never good enough and make them constantly desire validation with everything they do.
Also, not letting them go out and do after school activities. If they have to fight to do something they're interested in then eventually they'll stop fighting and just become a recluse with no useful social skills or skills that jobs desire.
Lost Panda 6 days ago
Our house has a "As long as you try" mentality. If you try and get a 0, I won't be mad. If you do not try at all, that is a different story.
Papa 6 days ago
I told my children that I would be fine with their best effort, but to make sure they really gave it their best effort. I have seen too many times where someone gave up after a half-hearted effort and say "Well, I gave it my best."
Load More Replies... #42
Teaching girls that their looks are the most important thing about them. Tell girls they’re smart, brave, etc. It’s not fair to only say “oh she’s so pretty” and make this the one thing girls expect to be complimented on. This goes hand in hand with encouraging body issues at a young age. I remember mom telling me at 9 that the piece of bread I was eating would go to my hips... I was already under BMI.
#43
Staying in a loveless/unhappy relationship "for the kids". One, your kids know you're miserable. Two, they learn how relationships work from you--do you want them to have a relationship like yours?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
My mom was abúsíve towards my dad - emotionally, verbally, psychologically, AND physically. She would start screaming arguments with him and then start to hit him, punch him, kick him, and if she was REALLY píssed off, she would get a butcher knife from the kitchen and would cut his arms, back, or chest (not stabs, just like cuts/slices, not so deep to need stitches, but they bled heavily.) My dad was born in '42 and believed that men should not put their hands on women/their wives, so he never fought back. I used to beg him to divorce her (and take me with him, because she was abúsíve in all the same ways towards me) but he said he "couldn't break up the family". My dad was a great dad, but I wish he'd been stronger and braver in that regard - he would have saved BOTH of us from years of abúse. BTW - when my sister was a teenager, she starting joining in with my mom in abúsíng my dad - she would scream at and attack my dad too. It was horrifying to me as a kid.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
This is sad for me. My wife ended up abusing myself and our children. It wasn't her fault, we discovered after time that she was suffering from early onset dementia. She is now in full-time care. I often wish I could have left her. I did offer her a divorce once, but almost immediately she was diagnosed. I didn't feel that I could abandon her after 20 years, but we all suffered badly, so I can't help thinking I was wrong.
Load More Replies... #44
Punishing them for telling the truth
Treating the relationship like they were assigned to live together, rather than being an affectionate family
Subtly indoctrinating them to think everything you morally oppose will k**l you
Treating them like a baby when they’re a legal adult
Say “don’t compare yourself to others” then proceed to compare the kid to others
“I’m right because I’m the adult and you’re just a kid” or “because I said so”
Acting like their life is over if they get a C in a class
Making inflammatory statements then punishing them when they get upset
I can bring up many more things I believe have turned me into a socially incompetent, emotionally confused, and probably dysthymic high school senior.
Stardrop 5 days ago
the don't compare is so real, because my parents INSIST they don't compare me, but they literally do all of the time- "do your friends get grades like this?" or "oh x cousin got an A+ in that class, you should do better."
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
My brother and I had an aunt who was always comparing us to a nearby family - "The Bennett boys wouldn't do that", "The Bennett boys always clean their room" etc etc. Years later we actually met these paragons of virtue - and they were furious with us! They'd had a bellyful of "The Nixon boys always brush their teeth", "The Nixon boys never tramp mud through the house", etc, etc. Bloodshed was narrowly averted ...
Load More Replies... Sam Trudeau 5 days ago
Sometimes I'll say stuff to my baby cousin like "that's grown-up juice" when he wants to drink a beer, or "that's the no-no room" when he goes near the kitchen sink chemicals
#45
Putting too much of an emphasis on college, grades, etc. I'm a senior now and I'm seeing many kids going down bad paths because their parents told them they have to have all As and go to an Ivy. It's rediculous the amount of pressure this is putting on students.
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago (edited)
My son went to Uni and could have got a first (as I did 😎). He was prioritising work in his final semester, however, so only got a 2:1. I agreed that a career was just as important, so supported him in that. My daughter never showed any inclination to get a degree, and I accepted that. She is now doing one as a mature student, which is great. I did the same after dropping out from uni because I was kinda forced into it at 17.
#46
Doing everything for them.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago (edited)
I can't believe I'm saying this, but sports help kids learn, and parents have learn to stand on the sidelines and cheer. *That* is education ...
#47
Not supporting their interests, or only supporting what you view as “worth it”. I tried a lot of different things as a kid, trying to find myself, as I’m sure most kids do. Parents stopped showing up to concerts because “well the band isn’t very good”, or soccer games when we had a losing record. I remember getting yelled at for wasting my time with sports if we weren’t going to win. Was told going into college that theater wasn’t worth pursuing because it isn’t a “safe” career. The only real encouragement I got was when it came to academics (it will possibly not come as a surprise that my dad works in academia).
Now nearly a decade out of college, no real career after trying and burning out on two grad school programs, primarily from some heavy anxiety even completing assignments if they weren’t going to be perfect. I wish I had pursued something I was passionate about, instead of dropping them one at a time because they weren’t “worth it”.
Kelly Scott 6 days ago
I took (and passed) a physics class in college. When I told my mom about taking the class, her first reactions was, "Physics. Oh, ish." Hey, YOU aren't taking it, I am, so what's your problem and couldn't you, just one time in your do-nothing life, acknowledge that your daughter is succeeding at something that most people consider difficult? Apparently, she couldn't.
#48
- telling boys they have to 'man up' anytime they show any signs of sadness.
- teaching girls that it's okay to hit boys because they can't hit back or they boy will be in trouble.
- raising the kids to think they're the most important people in the world, so they get snobby and obnoxious and bratty.
- giving kids a tablet or phone to be on all day instead of spending quality time with them. if you need a break now and again then fine, but not when this is all day, every day.
- demonstrating any bad behavior in front of the child, such as: shoplifting, bullying others, screaming at cashiers for something they can't help, etc.
- allowing them to hurt an animal. Too many times do people let their kids smack dogs and cats to the point where the animal has finally had enough, and then the animal is blamed and deemed aggressive.
Andrew Keir 4 days ago
I feel sorry for parent who were broken as children, but the least they can do is not to continue the ábuse on their own children. You fight fire with water.
#49
Making it really hard to tell them things. My mom always freaks out when I tell her anything, and then as a defense mechanism she makes fun of whatever it is that I've told her.
I switched my major to criminal justice and she freaked out saying well good thing you don't want to be a cop, you were always so sensitive, you'd look pretty dumb crying in the uniform when someone says something mean to you.
Thanks mom.
#51
Threatening to do something when they're misbehaving and then never doing it. All you're* doing is making yourself difficult to believe and the threats will eventually have zero chance of working.
Saying, "I won't get mad if you tell the truth" and then getting mad. This teaches them that the truth is bad and that lying at least has a chance of getting away with no punishment.
Kelly Scott 6 days ago
LMAO My mom pulled this when I was living with her in 2012 for about a year. We were shopping at the store and I mentioned that I would like to cook something. She said why didn't I and what did I want to cook? I told her she'd get mad at me if I said anything and she told me she wouldn't. So I told her I'd like to make my potato soup and she blew up in the store, saying I didn't need to eat all those calories and it had too much bacon and I didn't need to cook that so on and so on. There was another woman standing nearby who had heard the entire conversation and we both looked at each other and started laughing while my mom continued to rage on.
#52
My parents loved to pull the “there are starving children in Africa!” line to get me to eat everything on my plate. I understand children are picky eaters and need nutrition and such, but they also need to learn how to regulate their own sense of hunger/satiation.
I started off as an over eater, and became heavy, then I started starving myself to lose weight. Then I stopped and gained a ton of weight. It’s taken me decades to develop a healthy relationship with food and to learn how to manage my weight.
Kelly Scott 6 days ago
The last time someone told me about the starving children in China, I told them to "Name names."
#53
Letting your friends belittle and laugh at him.
Kelly Scott 6 days ago
My parents didn't need friends to do that to me - they did it themselves.
#54
Giving them whatever they want; especially when you've said no once. This is when they stop taking no for an answer.
Giving yourself more priority over them - sums up almost everything one shouldn't do to their loved ones. Treat all of family equally.
#55
Parents that are too strict when it comes to tv/movie/video game content.
They won’t be able to socialize like normal kids.
#57
Giving them 0 understanding of the value of money.
A good friend from home has a very wealthy family. They buy him (24) new cars, let him live at home rent free when he has a decent job with the family business.
If we go on a night out he will spend in excess of £500 on drinks for everyone. He once had £400 in notes and was buying drinks - realised he was out, and I stepped in to insist I get the round, he pulled out his card and said “no worries!”. He’s a great guy and honestly his family are lovely people, but he’s just got no understanding of what money means, and I dread to think how he would handle things if, god forbid, something happened to the endless supply of money.
In his own head he’s doing something nice for his friends, no matter how much we try and pay.
Kelly Scott 6 days ago
This is something that resonates so hard with me. My parents never, not ever, sat down with me to talk about finances, checking accounts. saving for retirement, credit cards, etc. So I learned on my own, made some bad mistakes, and had to declare bankruptcy at one point. I was talking to my mom once about cleaning up my credit report and one way to do that is to get a bank-issued pre-paid credit card, where you put your own money on the card, then use it and pay it back to build up your credit again. My mother just heard "credit card" and the first words out of her mouth were her sneering, "Who would give YOU a credit card?" She and my father couldn't have been half-arsed to do the bare minimum amount of parenting to teach me about credit cards, and then she has the nerve to make fun of me because I screwed mine up previously? I almost backhanded her.
#58
Kicking the kid out of the house after CPS shows up because the kid told his school counselor about the incident where you put the kid in a headlock because the kid and his little brother were horsing around.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
When I was 6ish or so, my dad had to go on a business trip (he worked for IBM at the time.) My mom was furious about it for some reason, and she grabbed me and grabbed her pistol (it was small, not sure what caliber/model.) She pressed the muzzle of that gun into the soft bottom part of my jaw and said to my dad "If you leave, I'll kíll the kids and then kíll myself." He agreed to cancel the business trip. The next day at school, I told my teacher what had happened (since that was what kids were taught back then - if something bad is happening, tell a teacher or a policeman.) My mom got called in to a meeting with my teacher and the principal of the school. My mom laughed and said it hadn't happened, that I had seen a cowboy movie the previous night and I was imagining guns everywhere. They BELIEVED HER. She béat me unconscious when we got home after that. I never told a teacher or counselor about all the abúse ever again, after that. It sucked.
What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago (edited)
Not even being facetious or spouting hyperbole - I think my mother has done/still does EVERY SINGLE ONE of these XD (Some with me, and some with my sister, the golden child/loved child.) My mom is turning 81 next week and it's sometimes a struggle to not laugh in my older sister's face when she says things like "Mom is getting older, you should spend more time with her" - bítch, YOU were the golden child, Mom didn't so much as spank you ONCE or even raise her voice to you XD I wouldn't píss on my mother if she was on fire. My sister thinks I'll "regret" not spending more time with our mother once our mother is dead. Haha, no. I won't have a single moment of regret. It should also come as no surprise that my sister grew up to be just like our mother and she, too, does a lot of the things on this list. Shocking, I know XD
Papa 6 days ago (edited)
I believe your sister is wrong. While it didn't compare to your situation (she wasn't abu-sive; just incredibly self-centered), I also did not have a good relationship with my mother. She died the day after Thanksgiving last year, and I have not missed her, or regretted not spending more time with her.
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hannahbahngswife 5 days ago
Silent treatment. I've resorted to hurting myself out of guilt whenever someone gives me silent treatment, because it's "my" fault that I made them angry. Same person who got angry at me when she saw my s*****e marks on my wrist instead of, you know, talking to me and giving me help. Also, using your kids as threats (I'm not sure I worded it correctly, but one day, a month before we needed to go abroad, my parents argued and my mom said "wouldn't it be amazing if both of us [as in me and her] die there while abroad?" That's only one that I can remember).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago (edited)
Not even being facetious or spouting hyperbole - I think my mother has done/still does EVERY SINGLE ONE of these XD (Some with me, and some with my sister, the golden child/loved child.) My mom is turning 81 next week and it's sometimes a struggle to not laugh in my older sister's face when she says things like "Mom is getting older, you should spend more time with her" - bítch, YOU were the golden child, Mom didn't so much as spank you ONCE or even raise her voice to you XD I wouldn't píss on my mother if she was on fire. My sister thinks I'll "regret" not spending more time with our mother once our mother is dead. Haha, no. I won't have a single moment of regret. It should also come as no surprise that my sister grew up to be just like our mother and she, too, does a lot of the things on this list. Shocking, I know XD
Papa 6 days ago (edited)
I believe your sister is wrong. While it didn't compare to your situation (she wasn't abu-sive; just incredibly self-centered), I also did not have a good relationship with my mother. She died the day after Thanksgiving last year, and I have not missed her, or regretted not spending more time with her.
Load More Replies... hannahbahngswife 5 days ago
Silent treatment. I've resorted to hurting myself out of guilt whenever someone gives me silent treatment, because it's "my" fault that I made them angry. Same person who got angry at me when she saw my s*****e marks on my wrist instead of, you know, talking to me and giving me help. Also, using your kids as threats (I'm not sure I worded it correctly, but one day, a month before we needed to go abroad, my parents argued and my mom said "wouldn't it be amazing if both of us [as in me and her] die there while abroad?" That's only one that I can remember).
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