Toxic masculinity is a term that has evolved over time and now has a place both in academia and everyday speech. In short, it describes the negative aspects of exaggerated masculine traits.

A few days ago, Reddit user TacoHellDriveThru decided to figure out what that means for men personally. So they submitted a question to r/AskReddit, saying: "What's a form of toxic masculinity you've experienced in your life as a male?" TacoHellDriveThru specified they only wanted serious answers, and serious answers are what they got.

#1

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) People act like I'm suspicious or dangerous when I travel alone with my daughter.

Every time I go out in public without her mother I get people watching me closely. I parked my car in a parking lot to feed her lunch a while back (didn't want to take her inside due to COVID) and a group of people gawked and circled our vehicle in their truck a few times. That is not an uncommon experience for me.

I'm legitimately afraid to take her into a family bathroom because I fear some Karen is going to call the police and tell them I am doing something unspeakable because God forbid a man act like a nurturing parent in public. I'm scared I'm going to get a gun pulled on me in front of my daughter.

A lot of people assume that a lone man with a child or adjacent to children is a predator by default.

If they're not assuming I'm a predator, I still get comments like "Babysitting for mom?" No, I'm not babysitting for mom. I am her parent and I'm every bit as capable at it as her mother. Me taking my child to the park and feeding her lunch isn't "babysitting" just because I am doing it alone.

OlDBY37 , twentymindsomething Report

MagicalUnicorn
Community Member
9 months ago

yes! more parents like this would make world so much better :)

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Dr. Esther De Dauw, a comic scholar working on superheroes, gender, race, and anti-hegemonic narratives, agrees that toxic masculinity is deeply rooted in our society. "The stories we tell, our popular myths, films, books, etc, are ways for us to make sense of the world," she told Bored Panda. "A lot of our storytelling is wrapped up in toxic masculinity—it's all about the hero who can stand alone, take care of business, who doesn’t cry or relies on his community."

"We see these stories as kids and the adults in our lives tend to enforce the lessons taken from these stories 'boys don't cry', 'no means yes', etc. And then we become adults and while we might tell different stories, we tend to embed the values we've grown up with in our stories—because to us that's just how the world is, it's our normative world view. Research in sociology and psychology increasingly points to media as a really powerful tool to pass on norms and values, and with the increased media presence in our lives through smartphones, tablets, and binge culture – we’re constantly being influenced."

De Dauw also co-authored a book on the subject. Titled Toxic Masculinity: Mapping the Monstrous in Our Heroes, it's an exciting exploration of the impact of hypermasculinity on the creation of the modern superhero.

#2

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I've been called 'gay' for rescuing a starving kitten and taking it to the RSPCA.

AmunPharaoh , Joe Cleary Report

Aroace tiger
Community Member
9 months ago

So saving a life is gay now? I wanna be gay!

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Dr. De Dauw highlighted that when we're talking about toxic masculinity, we're not just talking about general sexism. "Of course, they're related and influence each other, but toxic masculinity is about the extreme rejection of what our culture thinks of as feminine traits (sensitivity, softness, etc) and the adoration of masculine traits (self-sufficiency, stoicism, etc)," she said.

"It's about the shame and pain that men are taught to feel when they're not manly enough and how that leads them to lash out (mostly at women). It's about how the traits of masculinity can become toxic to both men and the people in their lives."

#3

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I got made fun of for wearing lifesaving safety gear on job sites. There are people now who can't taste, smell, or hear properly because they were too stubborn to put on earplugs and safety glasses, since it's 'not manly' to protect yourself apparently.

YikesWazowski_ , Pop & Zebra Report

Aroace tiger
Community Member
9 months ago

Did they at least brag that they were safe? I would.

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"So, I’m thinking about the way that when men experience a mental health crisis, they are less likely to reach out for help because it’s not considered manly to be overwhelmed by your emotions or circumstances," Dr. De Dauw said. "Eating disorders, steroid addiction, and body modification addiction have been on the rise amongst young men since the 1980s because with bodybuilding action heroes and superhero films, the culturally ideal body type for men has shifted."

In the UK, for example, 3 times as many men as women die by suicide.

#4

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) Getting sh*t on for not caring about sports. I'm sorry, I just don't want to spend my time watching people run around a field. And no, I don't want to play sports video games either.

ChrisIsaPrickX26 , Riley McCullough Report

Vorknkx
Community Member
9 months ago

Same here. The only time I may show interest in sports is during Olympics, but that's pretty much it.

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De Dauw herself has experienced sexism. When she was doing her Ph.D., a fellow Ph.D. scholar referred to her as 'the one with the big b**bs' to another colleague. She has also had students make gender-based comments during teaching evaluations. She has even been harassed on the street.

But, the toxic masculinity that De Dauw has experienced in her life has mostly impacted men she has known who were unable to talk about their feelings or trauma and, due to this inability, hurt themselves, lashed out at her and the other women in their lives.

#5

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) My earliest memory of toxic masculinity was when I was on my first grade basketball team. We got to pick our jersey numbers. I chose 14 because it was my aunt's number, who was a D1 college player at the time. When I told them this, the coaches laughed at me. Apparently looking up to a non-male athlete was frowned upon, even though none of the coaches made it past high school.

TacoHellDriveThru , Chris Moore Report

troufaki13
Community Member
9 months ago

What makes me furious is that THE COACHES laughed. They should be the ones promoting healthy role models!

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At this point, De Dauw thinks it's hard to say whether or not we as a society have contained toxic masculinity. "Once you name a problem, it becomes more visible and you identify more instances of it," she said. "We're also living in an increasingly divided world, where a lot of people feel threatened when problems like this are identified and they feel the need to lash out to prevent our rapidly changing world from changing even more—and that also gives the impression that the problem is growing or getting worse."

"I think that, at the very least, we're identifying, thinking, and talking about things like toxic masculinity and that in and of itself is a good way forward," De Dauw explained.

#6

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I got raped by an ex. Nearly everyone I've told starts by arguing the toss that it wasn't actually rape.

ReadingBagder , Andrew Neel Report

Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
9 months ago

That is completely f****d up.

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Because she thinks the reason toxic masculinity is so embedded is (in part) because of the media, a really hopeful thing for her is that we're seeing more and more push-back against toxic masculinity in media from various audiences. "We are seeing more diverse roles in media, and this includes more diverse ways for men to be men," De Dauw added.

"There are shows that have kind, loving and sensitive men and shows that deal with characters showing these toxic traits and growing past them, [including] Dipper from Gravity Falls when he moves past his crush on Wendy, Soka in Avatar: The Last Airbender when he learns to value women, Captain Picard in the recent Picard series, who has learned to be open and affectionate with the men in his life, and Joel from Santa Clarita Diet who is supportive of his wife and daughter."

#7

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) My favorite color is purple. I've tried to wear purple, and nope, too many dumbass comments.

raymondspogo , Nimble Made Report

Tiari
Community Member
9 months ago (edited)

How sad. My boyfriend likes to wear pink and purple and nobody says anything and I am so happy for him.

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In Toxic Masculinity: Mapping the Monstrous in Our Heroes, De Dauw wrote that, "When we consider how popular culture and its stories give us a lens through which we can learn to emphasize with and love those different from us, it becomes clear that representation is a promising start, even if it cannot be the whole our strategy to increase equality."

"Another important step is that we need have these conversations with the men in our lives if it is possible and safe for us to do so," she added. "Encourage men to seek support in their communities, to go to therapy if necessary, to learn how to communicate, and to perform emotional labor–we need to consistently understand that there's no one right way to be a man."

#8

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I always wear seatbelts in cars, but every so often, someone will scoff or poke fun that I put my seatbelt on when we share a cab or an Uber. I don't feel like smashing out my front teeth if the driver gets into a fender bender.

SnooFox5 , Giorgio Trovato Report

Matt Hollis
Community Member
9 months ago

or killing the driver because you smash into the back of his head if you crash

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In the academic world, the notion of a singular, perfectly-defined masculinity has been rejected since the late 1980s. Led by the sociologist Raewyn Connell, this school of thought positions gender as the product of relations and behaviors, rather than as a fixed set of identities and attributes.

In her work, Connell described multiple masculinities shaped by class, race, culture, sexuality, and other factors, often in competition with one another as to which can claim to be more authentic. In this view, the standards by which a "real man" is defined can vary dramatically across time and place.

Let's hope that some day theory will become practice too.

#9

About five years ago, I feel into a deep depression. I have been wrestling with the problem since I was a teen. I refused to see counselors for years until I snapped. As a man the expectations are to "hang tough". "Real men" don't need counseling was sort drilled into my head because it exhibited weakness. When I became suicidal, I had to leave my job and quite a few people insinuated I was weak. I sought treatment with the help of a psychologist and a counselor. That's when I realized the "manliness" garbage was toxic. I hate sports, cars and bullshit. I spend my time with my awesome wife not weekends with "the boys" ignoring my family. I haven't looked back since.

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BlackestDawn
Community Member
9 months ago

While you have shed your old "boys" I hope you have gotten some new friends that you can hang with, both with and without your wife.

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#10

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) Oh another one for me is when I grew my hair out. Most guys called me gay and that it looked girly. Yet, I was dating more women than ever during that time because a lot of the women I dated loved the hair. So I guess being straight is gay?

TacoHellDriveThru , penguinz0 Report

brukernavn340
Community Member
9 months ago

Metal heads beg to differ.

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#11

Being harassed by women multiple times and having it dismissed because I'm a man.

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
9 months ago

This pisses me off so much. If men harass women we hear all about it but when it is the other way round it gets ignored.

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#12

Apparently guys are absolutely required to like any attention from a girl even if it's invasive as f**k or borderline rapey.

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IcyRedWaffle
Community Member
9 months ago

When people say to a male victim of rape that they should have "enjoyed it"

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#13

I work at a grocery store.

I was ringing one day and one of the other register employees was giving this older gentleman a really hard time about wanting a bag to carry his stuff. She said something to the degree of “Come on! You should be able to carry that on your own; you’re a man. You’re supposed to be strong!” The dude had a cane with him. I’m not even sure if she realized what she was saying was demeaning and toxic. I turned around and gave her a WTF look.

She didn’t last too long.

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
9 months ago

Doesn’t matter if he was young, old, had a cane or had no cane etc, you don’t just say that s**t.

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#14

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) Men in a group tend to sexualize any and all women

I hate that

Also growing up I got s**t for not knowing about cars, like cause I’m a dude I should have the knowledge of a mechanic

FullMetalDuck89 , Peter Broomfield Report

Wendillon
Community Member
9 months ago

I mean...women in a group tend to sexualize men too. You can bet that if we're out for dinner and the waiter is attractive we'll be whispering about his butt.

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#15

I am currently in therapy to unlearn all the toxic behaviours I learned growing up. I learned in my 30s that feelings aren't a burden to be suppressed and ignored.

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troufaki13
Community Member
9 months ago

So if men have feelings they're gay but if they don't they're insensitive? Did I get it right?

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#16

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I remember in high school (I went to an all-boys school), I would go to watch my older sister play hockey, and I’d get made fun of. I never understood what the problem with going to watch a women’s hockey game was, especially one where my older sister was playing.

SharkPerson , Ildar Garifullin Report

Shelp
Community Member
9 months ago

Fellas, is that gay to look at women? (/s)

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#17

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) My old roommate was the definition of toxic masculinity. He told his parents the other night that all other guys who go to the gym are 'betas,' while he is a 'biological alpha' and then proceeded to make fun of out-of-shape people at the gym.

Billiesoceaneyes , Anastase Maragos Report

elStiJneriNO
Community Member
9 months ago

hahahaha an aplha talking with mommie and daddie about how great he is.

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#18

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) Lost power during a cold (and wet) spell pre-covid. As the building management guy who also lived in the building, I was tasked to stay on-site for the entire 10 days to coordinate repair efforts while the rest of the residents left for hotels/relatives' places. On the 7th day, I also got food poisoning and spent the day expelling from both ends while taking time in between to meet with contractors. The then girlfriend came home later that evening to see me pale, dehydrated, shivering, and exhausted in bed wearing all of my snow clothes. She asked how I was, I said "rough" and she went on to say how her day was so much worse because of some office drama. After her rant she asked why I didn't go make myself some tea as if I was stupid enough to not consider it.

She was a self-proclaimed feminist but was always blind to my needs.

mongolian_chicken , Brittany Colette Report

LesAnimaux
Community Member
9 months ago

Yeah that's not how feminism works

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#19

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) My mother in law told me to stop whining and "man up", we were new parents and I was working nights. The only thing I said was that I was "tired". It's stuff like that. I'm actually clinically depressed, but I never talk about it because I'm 6'3" and masculine so I'm not allowed to feel sad or tired.

DarkPasta , Karina Tess Report

elStiJneriNO
Community Member
9 months ago

man up and throw that bitch out of your house

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#20

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) For being straight but exclusively using the gay trainers on Peloton. They are more fun and have better music, sorry not sorry.

rafferty85 , Alora Griffiths Report

Chris Jones
Community Member
9 months ago

They just happen to have good (or the same) taste and be gay, could just as easily have awful taste in music.

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#21

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) Mainly how boys are raised to disregard pain and view emotions as a nuisance to be avoided and stifled. It’s helpful for getting things done but not so good for being mentally healthy.

SSDD1 , Mitchell Griest Report

Ian Koch
Community Member
9 months ago

fellas, is it gay to express normal human emotions?

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#22

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) When I told someone I was a chef, they told me that career path was for women.

I_dont_even_care1986 , Johnathan Macedo Report

Shelp
Community Member
9 months ago

Well, how different cultures can be!... Here, in France, a woman would be frowned upon if she wanted to be a chef, because it's a men thing. (From the point of view of someone sexist, of course)

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#23

Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories) I was expected to be able to chug alcohol and just keep on going. I just can't. I have a low threshold. I can't have like five shots of tequila and go about my business. I'll be a mess.

trappd_under_ice , Jack Ward Report

James016
Community Member
9 months ago

I got a lot of grief for going tee total. Oddly enough the people who gave me grief could not give me any reasoning behind what they were saying to me.

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#24

My dad. He's never been wrong about a god damn thing in his life. The solution to a problem he picks is the only solution.

Examples include: lighting fires under our water pipes to thaw them out in cold weather for hours to fix a blockage, setting our house on fire at one point, when it turned out the block was at an elbow that was easily broken loose once mom found it. Another is his insistence on gluing s**t together with silicone to 'fix' vehicles. If I have a bad day, I clearly need a higher dose of antidepressants, as I'm a man and I'm not allowed to have negative emotions. Launching a piece of plastic into my eye breaking open the box of our water valve and it's my fault because I was 'sticking my face in it'

If the man decided he was gonna headbutt his way through a brick wall, he wouldn't stop until his skull broke. He's ridiculous.

R0llsroyc3 Report

Elizabeth Molloy
Community Member
9 months ago

You need to stand together as a family and get him out of your life. My mother FINALLY divorced my father when I was 12, and I still suffer from the effects of his toxic behaviour at 51.

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#25

After the final exam, my classmates and I went to a nearby bar to drink our pains away. I ordered a lime Margarita and was mocked by both the males and females that it was a girly drink. Same thing when I ordered a long Island afterwards. (I've now moved to cosmopolitans, since three or four can get me happy drunk, and tastes awesome!)

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ADHORTATOR
Community Member
9 months ago (edited)

is a Planters Punch a girly drink? I don't care actually, I will still order one :-)

Joey Marlin
Community Member
9 months ago

Never head of it but you enjoy it.

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Steve Dowell
Community Member
9 months ago

A Long Island Ice Tea is literally a Tom Collins glass fun of liquor. It's essentially 16 ounces, or 12 shots of straight liquor. I drank them all the time in college, and the only time a person made fun of me, the bar tender overheard and put that ass in his place.

Winx
Community Member
9 months ago

Ignore them and drink what tastes good. I get teased for not liking beer. Sorry, it tastes like piss to me

JitkaBlitka
Community Member
9 months ago (edited)

one of my friends got mocked because he ordered latte. Apparently real men drink black coffee spiced with beef jerky or some other BS

ADHORTATOR
Community Member
9 months ago

You made me laugh, thank you :-)

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DogMom
Community Member
9 months ago

Long Island ice teas are no joke. My craziest nights usually involved that drink

ButterScot
Community Member
9 months ago

You have more fun when you enjoy what you are drinking

Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
9 months ago

There is a new ad by Heineken where women get served cocktails and men are given beers but then they swap. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dD6r53DWxwk

Marina
Community Member
9 months ago

I've also seen a nice ad for a beer company but I couldn't find the video when I looked for it. I think it was Stella Artois, and it was an illustration of women meeting for a chat and a beer <3

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Richard Henderson
Community Member
9 months ago

Who TF calls a Long Island Ice Tea and “girly drink”? It’s got five different liquors in it! Also nothing wrong with Margaritas. I’m surprised the Cosmo didn’t get the same response though.

Marina
Community Member
9 months ago

it would have probably have got the same response as the margaritas. yes, it's stupid

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John Montgomery
Community Member
9 months ago

"Girly" drinks are always the ones I like better. I've yet to try a beer I actually liked. Daiquiris are awesome.

Busy_D
Community Member
9 months ago

Fellas, is it gay to like a drink?

Ozacoter
Community Member
9 months ago

Or even worse, not drinking alcohol. My partner gets so much sit because of it.

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Marianne
Community Member
9 months ago

Of course the whole concept of manly/girly drinks is ridiculous, but why you would assume a Long Island Iced Tea is girly in the first place? It's super strong and not fruity. This logic isn't logic in itself.

Marina
Community Member
9 months ago

I've heard people say men have to savour the taste of the alcoholic beverages they consume, especially whiskey. I guess women are not supposed to be educated about that and if we want them to drink they have to like the taste. Maybe that's why all the sweet beverages are considered girly. just my assumption 😊

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InfectedVoice
Community Member
9 months ago

I love long island iced tea, gets you smashed.

JuJu
Community Member
9 months ago

Be a JD and drink Nectarinies (or Cosmos) all you want

Mark Kelly
Community Member
8 months ago

How is a margarita girly.? In fact I've been to "fiesta" parties and everyone has a margarita.

Nigel Chua
Community Member
9 months ago

I like muscato...

Stephanie Miller
Community Member
9 months ago

Drink what makes you happy! And ignore them when they want to taste it..........!

Lynn Morello
Community Member
9 months ago

One of the recent ads on TV is people ordering drinks at a bar, Bar tender slides a bear down the bar to a guy and a cocktail to the lady next to him, They both chuckle and swap drinks. Later a waitress serves 2 tables, places 2 beers on one table and a beer and a cocktail on another table, both the lady at table 2 and a man at table 1 stand to waive to the waitress, see each other and swap their drinks, The caption is not Ladies like a good beer too, but is, Men drink Cocktails too. I haven't seen this for about 6 months now.

elfin
Community Member
9 months ago

Alcohol does not care what gender you are. It is not bigoted.

Allan Macleod
Community Member
9 months ago

Long Island is really strong! As is a Cosmopolitan! I have respect for people who can drink Cosmos’s all night!

Mark Kelly
Community Member
9 months ago

I've almost moved from beer to "girly" drinks. Even other guys I know are.

Cory Tollman
Community Member
9 months ago

I used to get crap for not liking beer and liking margaritas.

Eric Birkeland
Community Member
9 months ago

My favorite is Fuzzy Navels. They taste great.

albernistuff 4sale
Community Member
9 months ago

Cheap date! Watcha doing later? - JK but I loove LIIT or bartenders root beer. Any of the ridiculous drinks you might see server in a coconut with an umbrella is always good

Jose Ortiz
Community Member
9 months ago

I love "girly" drinks. they get you hammered if done right

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#26

"Cooking is the woman's job" said to me when I told them I like to cook

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Elizabeth Molloy
Community Member
9 months ago

America is a backwards country. No-one anywhere else has said this since the 1960s.

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#27

I grew up in a cowboy town. I saw a guy fall off his horse and break his leg. He refused to be helped off and insisted in getting back on his horse and riding out. There was an ambulance right there.

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Your Local Fujoshi
Community Member
9 months ago

that's- wow. So incredibly dangerous.

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#28

For not smoking, drinking or doing drugs.

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Marianne
Community Member
9 months ago

This looks like the envy of people with addiction.

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#29

Almost everyone I know has at some point ridiculed or bullied me because I don't like or want a car.

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
9 months ago (edited)

I’m curious if my brother deals with the same thing. He has no desire to learn to drive or get a car. He is happy walking or catching public transport. he feels that a car is too much of a financial burden and would rather spend his money on other things.

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#30

People trying to use their size to intimidate or invalidate you.

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magnadar
Community Member
9 months ago

I remember some trashy scene on MTV, where a big, muscular man (i guess it was a wrestler) took off his shirt and flexed in front of the police desk. They said something like "oh, we now see you're a good man. We are now looking much better for your missing wife than before you took off your shirt. Let me call the mayor so he can raise more people to look for her." I didn't understand back then and still don't.

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