“I Ask For Consent When I Go To Hug My Kids”: 10 Things This Therapist Of 20 Years Doesn’t Do With Her Kids
Interview
Everyone parents a bit differently. Some are incredibly gentle, while others use tough love as their go-to tactic. We navigate raising our kids based on how our parents treated us, the society that we live in, and all of our life experiences, combined with our partner’s experiences. And because we’re all just doing our best and figuring it out as we go along, we should stay open-minded to learning how to become an even better parent.
Licensed therapist Jess Stacy has recently been sharing videos on TikTok explaining things she teaches her children, along with things she chooses not to do to or with them, and some of her tips are blowing other parents’ minds. Many of us cannot afford to go to therapy ourselves, so it’s wonderful when a mental health professional goes out of their way to share knowledge or insight for free.
Below, you will find some of Jess’ TikToks explaining how she likes to parent, as well as an interview between her and Bored Panda and some of the replies viewers have left on her videos, so you can decide for yourself if these habits would work well for your family. Then let us know in the comments section if you plan to adopt any of these rules yourself, and if you have any parenting tips of your own to share, feel free to leave them for your fellow pandas down below as well. Then if you’re interested in checking out another piece featuring knowledge people have gained from attending therapy, we’ve got the perfect article for you to read next right here.
This therapist has recently sparked a discussion on TikTok by sharing some of her personal rules for what she won’t do with her kids
Image credits: strongtherapy_js
Image credits: strongtherapy
You can hear Jess share some of her personal parenting rules right here
@strongtherapy 5 things a Licensed Therapist doesn’t do with kids. #tiktoktherapist #therapistsoftiktok #mentalhealthtiktok #5things #5thingschallenge #5thingsiwouldneverdo #parentingtips #parentinghacks ♬ original sound – Jess (Licensed Therapist)
Because these parenting videos gained so much traction, Jess has continued sharing even more
@strongtherapy 5 more things I do not do with my kids as a licensed therapist practicing for 20 years. #tiktoktherapist #therapistsoftiktok #mentalhealthtiktok #5things #5thingsiwouldneverdo #fivethings #fivethingschallenge ♬ original sound – Jess (Licensed Therapist)
We reached out to Jess via email to gain some more insight into these videos. First, we asked her what inspired her to start posting these TikToks in the first place. “I wanted to share my experience as a long time practicing licensed therapist who has worked with kids and adolescents,” she told Bored Panda. “I also have 2 kids of my own.”
We also asked her what the reactions have been like to the videos. “The reactions to this particular set of TikToks is mixed. Some parents have expressed relief in that they are already implementing these practices. Some have discovered that there are a few adjustments that they’d like to make,” Jess explained. “Others have flat out rejected my concepts, perhaps because they don’t wish to make any adjustments to what they’re doing, or it is too confronting to look inside themselves and make these types of changes.”
We also asked Jess if she thinks therapy would be beneficial for everyone to experience at some point in their life. “I think it would be amazing if everyone had the opportunity to go to therapy before becoming a parent,” she told us. “We all have many things to unpack, and could all benefit from a safe person to help us work through those things, before becoming a parent.”
“Many times, we carry things from our childhood, which can inform how we parent our children, for better or for worse,” Jess explained. “In order to give us the healthiest framework from which to parent, it would be ideal to work through our past with a therapist in order to give our children the opportunity to develop healthy, secure attachments with us as their parents. A healthy secure attachment during childhood gives kids the best leg up on their life in the future.”
As Jess notes, before starting a family might be the perfect time to begin seeing a therapist. Having kids is an extreme life change, and it can be difficult to know exactly how having kids will affect you. If you have lingering trauma or unaddressed issues from childhood, I’m sure you don’t want to pass those along to your little ones. Going to therapy can be a great way to open up and clear any skeletons out of your emotional closet to ensure that you can give your kids the best version of you.
Silicon Valley Marriage Counseling echoes Jess’ sentiments on their site, saying that it’s great to seek therapy before starting a family to break the cycle of any trauma that was passed to you from your parents. And you might be surprised how beneficial speaking to a professional can be for you.
“Children take a lot out of us emotionally which is why dealing with any pending mental health stuff prior to having them is recommended. Further, it is known for mental health problems to pass from one generation to the next because of conditioning and the way we may end up nurturing our young ones,” Silicon Valley Marriage Counseling explains on their site. “Seeking therapy prior to having a baby might alert you of anything that needs to be addressed and gives you the time and space to work on it. That way, you can be a healthier and safer parent.”
Whether or not you agree with Jessica’s personal parenting philosophy, it’s never bad to get an outside perspective on parenting. After all, we should always be making informed decisions in our lives, so the way that we choose to raise our children should be no different. Let us know down below if you agree with her tips and if any in particular made you stop and think about changing your own ways. And if you’d like to check out even more of Jessica’s videos featuring insight from a licensed therapist, you can find her TikTok account right here.
Jess’ videos have impacted many viewers, with some wholeheartedly agreeing and others becoming curious about the best parenting methods
And then there were some parents who became very vocal about how strongly they disagreed with Jess’ ideas
No one knows your child like you do. If your child shows signs of discomfort while being hugged, maybe try asking next time and see if they like that better than the unexpected hug. But if your child giggles and laughs and hugs back every time, then what's the issue with a good ole attack hug out of nowhere? I don't think this is a something that is the same for all children, as most things aren't. I'm an adult that truly loves being asked first before people hug me because I have sensory issues that I developed AS AN ADULT. I LOOOOVED hugs and cuddles when I was little. Things change and people are different. Children are unique.
That's how I am. While growing up our Mother would ask for a hug and hugs would be given, but as I grew older there were other folks in my life I did not want touching me, including family and now I'm in my 50's and I really don't like to be touched at all, even by my Mother.
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Sounds like your creating a sheltered child who will become a useless adult.
I think she's wrong on the finance one. You shouldn't burden kids with worry about bills and financial stress, but in their teens you should be teaching them about managing personal finances, how money, debt, bills etc work, and how to budget. If younger kids are asking general questions about how things work, explain them. If there is financial stress, and kids are asking for things that you can't affort, discuss the household budget with them, not in detail, and not to worry them, but in a "We have enough money for the things we need, but extra things we have to save up for." and "Credit cards are something we save for emergencies, because we have to pay it back, plus interest." Not teaching your kids about money is bad parenting.
And even if you don't have financial stress, it's important for all kids to understand that not everyone can afford this or that and that their friends' parents aren't being jerks for not letting their friends have everything that you can provide for them.
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1. Yes... sort of. we are a very affectionate family and I read their body language. Greetings etc the kids are always reaching so that's easy. In circumstances where it's not clear, I ask if I can have a hug. They know they can always withdraw consent. 2. Agree. 3. Disagree. It's important for kids to understand finances and budget. We don't talk about how much money we make and we don't discuss our financial concerns etc in front of them. But we DO have conversations with them about budgeting, prioritising and teaching them that money doesn't grow on trees. 4. Agree. 5 Sort of agree. Food is never a punishment but we do put value on its nutritional value and try to educate them about what a healthy diet for strong healthy bodies looks like.
Consent is good, but also understanding that there's an age of consent and for good reason. Before that, it's on us to help them learn what they dis/like and respect that (also help them have others respect it). Having any subject as taboo is a big no-no for me. I wouldn't force any subject on my kids, but I try my best to answer all of their questions as honestly as I can while considering their age and ability to understand. Money is important and we talk about it a lot. How to manage it, how taxes work, priorities etc. bodies are important. Especially for preteens and teens. So is food and nutrition. So is sex. They will learn about these things from somewhere, and I'd rather it be me than some shady website or potentially idiot friend.
#1 could be ok with older children who can understand the concept but most likely a toddler whom mommy / daddy always asks if she / he can hug him/her or not grows at least bit messed up one
This is important so kids can learn boundaries and understand that yes, adults need to respect them too. A lot of kids don't really understand or can't articulate what someone is doing to them when it's inappropriate, they just know they feel funny and are typically afraid to say anything to a parent if mom and dad always say "oh just let your uncle hug you!". But being confident enough to say no can eliminate a lot of abusive situations. The child will be less afraid to tell the parent about it too.
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I disagree on half of those. YES discuss finances with your kids, because money does not grow on trees and they need to know how it works. YES if your kid is losing or gaining 10 pounds a year say something about it. WTF is this lady her kid's parent or her kid's "Licensed Therapist"? I would not take advice from this person. Just because she's a licensed therapist does not mean she is a GOOD one.
Parents should teach their children about finances. Just like they should learn about house work and chores. They should learn about compassion and empathy also, that's why you should let little boys play with dolls. I always thought these things would be common sense for most parents but I was shocked at how many of my own family and friends were clueless. And the kicker, I'm a single Gay man with no kids and they would ask me for advice, LOL! I've always had a natural ease with kids and animals adults not so much, most adults are asshats.
My daughter begs for hugs all day everyday! We are a very loving household lol
Yeah…. Not teaching kids about money and finances, that’ll help them as a adults.
Interesting approach. Excellent recipe for creating more entitled and financially irresponsible adults
I disagree with talking finance. I think this is so important. Pre-covid I would take my son to the grocery store with me and point out price per weight and how sometimes no name brands are NOT cheeper. Our son knows how much we make, how much our house costs, how much cars, phone, water... how much life costs. My parents NEVER did this for me and I had some hard lessons to learn. When we went to Disney he had a wallet with American cash and anything he wanted he bought with his money. It was nice to watch him weigh every thing vs my friends kids just went bonkers on buying stuff.
I don't agree with finances - yes, my mother did burden me with her troubles and even forced me to humiliate myself to get alimony money from my father. It was horrible and bad parenting. But at the same time she taught me nothing about paying bills, budget etc. Food - food is important, food is pleasure. Do teach a child it should be healthy, but also tasty. If a child really hates something as much as I hate raw celery.... Let it go.
I'm a 70 y.o. woman who HATES to be touched without my permission. I have one friend who loves to hug, and I finally had to tell her to please let me initiate any hugs, just not wanting that close contact all the time. I do hug my minister's two younger children, who are 7 1/2 and 5, but only when they come to me for one. My own children died at very young ages, though my son lived to 31 before being killed in an accident. He LOVED to give and get hugs, so that was great....but since his death, no, nobody touches me without my consent. I have reasons going back to when I was 9 y.o., and I wish now that I would have told my Mom and Dad about it so they could have dealt with the cretin who did what he did.
I have mixed feelings about the "don't talk money" thing. Kids are very exposed to consumerist temptations and maybe they shouldn't take it for granted that the family can afford anything they want. My brother and I were raised by a single mom and I can remember well my teen fashion victim brother demanding expensive clothes and my mother having to explain us that she was broke. Of course that was not funny for a kid to hear, but that definitely taught me something and helped me grow into a quite reasonable adult regarding money.
finances are so importnat, so many people areilliterate in the financial department
'Practice consent with your children. Don't comment on their bodies. Don't say you have a favourite child.' MoRe WoKe B******T!!!!!
Load More Replies... No one knows your child like you do. If your child shows signs of discomfort while being hugged, maybe try asking next time and see if they like that better than the unexpected hug. But if your child giggles and laughs and hugs back every time, then what's the issue with a good ole attack hug out of nowhere? I don't think this is a something that is the same for all children, as most things aren't. I'm an adult that truly loves being asked first before people hug me because I have sensory issues that I developed AS AN ADULT. I LOOOOVED hugs and cuddles when I was little. Things change and people are different. Children are unique.
That's how I am. While growing up our Mother would ask for a hug and hugs would be given, but as I grew older there were other folks in my life I did not want touching me, including family and now I'm in my 50's and I really don't like to be touched at all, even by my Mother.
Load More Replies... Sounds like your creating a sheltered child who will become a useless adult.
I think she's wrong on the finance one. You shouldn't burden kids with worry about bills and financial stress, but in their teens you should be teaching them about managing personal finances, how money, debt, bills etc work, and how to budget. If younger kids are asking general questions about how things work, explain them. If there is financial stress, and kids are asking for things that you can't affort, discuss the household budget with them, not in detail, and not to worry them, but in a "We have enough money for the things we need, but extra things we have to save up for." and "Credit cards are something we save for emergencies, because we have to pay it back, plus interest." Not teaching your kids about money is bad parenting.
And even if you don't have financial stress, it's important for all kids to understand that not everyone can afford this or that and that their friends' parents aren't being jerks for not letting their friends have everything that you can provide for them.
Load More Replies... 1. Yes... sort of. we are a very affectionate family and I read their body language. Greetings etc the kids are always reaching so that's easy. In circumstances where it's not clear, I ask if I can have a hug. They know they can always withdraw consent. 2. Agree. 3. Disagree. It's important for kids to understand finances and budget. We don't talk about how much money we make and we don't discuss our financial concerns etc in front of them. But we DO have conversations with them about budgeting, prioritising and teaching them that money doesn't grow on trees. 4. Agree. 5 Sort of agree. Food is never a punishment but we do put value on its nutritional value and try to educate them about what a healthy diet for strong healthy bodies looks like.
Consent is good, but also understanding that there's an age of consent and for good reason. Before that, it's on us to help them learn what they dis/like and respect that (also help them have others respect it). Having any subject as taboo is a big no-no for me. I wouldn't force any subject on my kids, but I try my best to answer all of their questions as honestly as I can while considering their age and ability to understand. Money is important and we talk about it a lot. How to manage it, how taxes work, priorities etc. bodies are important. Especially for preteens and teens. So is food and nutrition. So is sex. They will learn about these things from somewhere, and I'd rather it be me than some shady website or potentially idiot friend.
#1 could be ok with older children who can understand the concept but most likely a toddler whom mommy / daddy always asks if she / he can hug him/her or not grows at least bit messed up one
This is important so kids can learn boundaries and understand that yes, adults need to respect them too. A lot of kids don't really understand or can't articulate what someone is doing to them when it's inappropriate, they just know they feel funny and are typically afraid to say anything to a parent if mom and dad always say "oh just let your uncle hug you!". But being confident enough to say no can eliminate a lot of abusive situations. The child will be less afraid to tell the parent about it too.
Load More Replies... I disagree on half of those. YES discuss finances with your kids, because money does not grow on trees and they need to know how it works. YES if your kid is losing or gaining 10 pounds a year say something about it. WTF is this lady her kid's parent or her kid's "Licensed Therapist"? I would not take advice from this person. Just because she's a licensed therapist does not mean she is a GOOD one.
Parents should teach their children about finances. Just like they should learn about house work and chores. They should learn about compassion and empathy also, that's why you should let little boys play with dolls. I always thought these things would be common sense for most parents but I was shocked at how many of my own family and friends were clueless. And the kicker, I'm a single Gay man with no kids and they would ask me for advice, LOL! I've always had a natural ease with kids and animals adults not so much, most adults are asshats.
My daughter begs for hugs all day everyday! We are a very loving household lol
Yeah…. Not teaching kids about money and finances, that’ll help them as a adults.
Interesting approach. Excellent recipe for creating more entitled and financially irresponsible adults
I disagree with talking finance. I think this is so important. Pre-covid I would take my son to the grocery store with me and point out price per weight and how sometimes no name brands are NOT cheeper. Our son knows how much we make, how much our house costs, how much cars, phone, water... how much life costs. My parents NEVER did this for me and I had some hard lessons to learn. When we went to Disney he had a wallet with American cash and anything he wanted he bought with his money. It was nice to watch him weigh every thing vs my friends kids just went bonkers on buying stuff.
I don't agree with finances - yes, my mother did burden me with her troubles and even forced me to humiliate myself to get alimony money from my father. It was horrible and bad parenting. But at the same time she taught me nothing about paying bills, budget etc. Food - food is important, food is pleasure. Do teach a child it should be healthy, but also tasty. If a child really hates something as much as I hate raw celery.... Let it go.
I'm a 70 y.o. woman who HATES to be touched without my permission. I have one friend who loves to hug, and I finally had to tell her to please let me initiate any hugs, just not wanting that close contact all the time. I do hug my minister's two younger children, who are 7 1/2 and 5, but only when they come to me for one. My own children died at very young ages, though my son lived to 31 before being killed in an accident. He LOVED to give and get hugs, so that was great....but since his death, no, nobody touches me without my consent. I have reasons going back to when I was 9 y.o., and I wish now that I would have told my Mom and Dad about it so they could have dealt with the cretin who did what he did.
I have mixed feelings about the "don't talk money" thing. Kids are very exposed to consumerist temptations and maybe they shouldn't take it for granted that the family can afford anything they want. My brother and I were raised by a single mom and I can remember well my teen fashion victim brother demanding expensive clothes and my mother having to explain us that she was broke. Of course that was not funny for a kid to hear, but that definitely taught me something and helped me grow into a quite reasonable adult regarding money.
finances are so importnat, so many people areilliterate in the financial department
'Practice consent with your children. Don't comment on their bodies. Don't say you have a favourite child.' MoRe WoKe B******T!!!!!
Load More Replies...
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