“We Have A Very Open And Honest Relationship With Our Kids”: Mom Reveals 24 Controversial Things She Allows Her Four Children To Do
There are as many parenting styles as there are parents. And since all moms and dads want what’s best for their kids, the fact that they tend to be very opinionated about that shouldn’t come as a surprise.
The recent TikTok videos from a mother of four named Casara have created quite a stir on social media for her unorthodox approach to parenting. In a series of videos, Casara openly shared things she and her husband Juan allow their children do, from not forcing them go to college to allowing them to swear.
“We have a very open & honest relationship with our kids,” Casara claims, so let’s find out more about her parenting style, and be sure to share what you think in the comments!
Mom of four Casara took it to TikTok to share the things she allows her kids to do
@casaranjuan We have a very open & honest relationship with our kids #ReTokforNature #MessFreeHero #parents #parenting #parentsoftiktok #parentingtips #parentsbelike #moms #dads #momsoftiktok #dadsoftiktok #momlife #momtok #parenttok #open #honest #parentinghacks ♬ original sound - CasaraNJuan
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If my kid, teenager, is out and they're drinking with friends, and they call me, and they say: "Hey mom, I need you to come get me," I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go get them. We will not talk about it until the next day. Let's face it, peer pressure is real, and people can't learn unless they make mistakes or do something they're not supposed to do.
After Casara, the mom of four, shared the things she allows her children to do, including swearing, a heated discussion started between parents online. So in order to find out an expert’s opinion about this controversial subject, Bored Panda spoke with Anisa Lewis, a positive parenting and life coach who shared some interesting insights about it.
“As parents, we are our child’s first role models and they take a lot of their cues about the world from us. Each family is different and what would work for one family is not going to be appropriate for another,” Lewis explained.
My child does not have to give you a kiss, does not have to hug you, does not have to hang around you, does not have to do anything with you if they choose not to.
Yes! Kids should get to choose whether they want to hug or kiss Aunt Martha
My kids can love/be with whoever they want. Color, race, gender, nationality. It does not matter. They can love and be with whoever they want, as long as they are treating each other right. That goes for my child treating them right and them treating my child right.
If your kid hits my kid, my kid will knock your kid out and I will high five them.
It is important that your kid learns how to defend theirself. If you are being pummeled and say "Please stop", the attacker won't just say "Understandable, have a nice day"
The parenting coach continued: “What I respected in the video of the mum is that she did allow her children to swear but there were boundaries and rules in place about when they could and they couldn’t, which is important.” Lewis added that “They had obviously taken the time to talk to their 4 children and were there to answer questions that they might have.”
Meanwhile, in Lewis’ family, she says, they ‘try’ not to swear in front of their teen but we are all human and it does happen. “If she doesn’t hear the language from us, she is certainly going to pick it up in school and when out in the community. We can’t shield her from this language but we can educate her on word meaning, when to use the language and the similarity with the family in the video is that we have discussed as a family what works for us and what we accept and don’t accept, we have boundaries that are right for our family,” Lewis explained.
Our kids are allowed to swear. They know when they can swear, how they can swear, who they can swear around. They're allowed to swear. If you think that the worst thing your child can do is swear, then you have another thing coming. I said what I said.
Swearing actually serves a purpose. If you hurt yourself and swear, you will feel less pain. Put your hand in ice, if you swear you can hold your hand in there for much longer than if you do not swear. If you use cleaned-up swear words (e.g.fudge, darn) it helps, but less than full-on swearing.
I can imagine a bunch of parents responding to your comment about how full of s**t you are concerning cussing being okay if your in physical pain, but you are absolutely right - through some studies it's been proven, and I also let my child cuss sporiadically if she gets hurt, or is very angry over a situation. This has resulted in her still saying, "oh sorry" if a cuss word falls out of her mouth and "Can I cuss?!" even though we both know she's going to say it regardless. She has never cuss at me though, I doubt she ever will just because we're so close and she would feel bad afterwards.
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I don't mind when my kids swear, but they're not allowed to weaponize it. You can't swear at people, but you can swear out of frustration.
I'd rather my kids swear our of anger and frustration than hit or throw things. I've seen both kinds of people. One is far more well adjusted than the other
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Swearing is intensely cultural anyway. In Britain, words like "hell", "damn" and "a*s" aren't thought of as swearing, whereas in parts of the US they seem to be considered profane. Look, BP just censored "a*s". Not a real swear, BP.
My mom told me that when she was a kid in Canada, "bloody" was considered a swear word. A nosebleed was a "bleeding nose," not a "bloody nose." And in high school, I had a teacher from Portugal who never swore. She once shocked the entire office by calling someone "an a*s." In her mind, she was calling him a donkey, but of course that's not how the American faculty took it. EDIT: Just remembered I was playing an online word game similar to scrabble. I tried to play the word "tom" (male cat) and the game rejected it as being "offensive."
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Gotta keep the ads flowing, and by extension, the money.
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The swearing part is fine, but those who think that’s the worst thing their child can do have another THINK coming, not “thing”. In other words, they need to think again.
"Curse" words were for a more superstitious time. Nowadays we know that words only have the power you give them. When it comes to swearing with my children, any word used to hurt someone is a swear word. The F word can be fat or f**k if you use it against someone, but not if you're referring to a cut of meat or if you just stubbed your toe. Context is what matters, not someone else's cultural definition of the thing.
This is the attitude we took. 1. I wasn't going to stop swearing 2. It is more important that my kids understand that rules change depending on who and/or where they are. They know to watch what they say in public but home is a free space.
..who they are with and/or where they are .. (to clarify)
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One of my best friends was raised like this. And the funny thing is, she very rarely swears. I think because it was never taboo, she just never bothered.
Yeah, I let myself swear around my daughter and my friends can swear around them too (I always say proper use of swear words is an important part of language fluency) but I have never once heard a swear word of any kind coming out of my daughter's mouth, and she's already 6. Never even testing to see if she would get a reaction. Just... never.
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Nahh they’re gonna go to school, swear, get the teacher to call the parents, and is the mom gonna be like “oh they’re allowed to do this!”?
I have that rule but never use the Lord's name in vain. That is offensive and crossing the line
I love it!!!! Swearing is like the salt and pepper to sentences, the mayo to a sandwich....ok. I allow the same, however, my only rule? Do t swear in front of your teachers, or in sentences with adults other than me and Dad. I love swearing, and yes, I am a lady, hold a super professional position but wooohoooo....the f bomb is multi purposed!
We were taught in my house we can swear to express our feelings, but not to hurt others.
Sure, it's not good, but if they really want to emphasize something with the swear words? (like af)
So can mine children but it is also taught that HABITS are formed and again you reap what you sow
My child learned to swear early in middle school, with my blessing. He needed to understand the words he heard others using in their proper context. I don't see the difference between calling someone a "dog" and a "d!ck"...either way, you're using a derogatory term, and they're both bad and need to be understood.
Told my daughter growing up, you can swear when you know how and when to appropriately use those words.
Swearing is for those with limited vocabulary. When it becomes every day language, it loses the impact. It's also BORING! The English language is lavish with descriptive words -- use some!
Myth. Studies show swearing is correlated with articulacy and good language skills.
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I dont think swearing is a bad thing whatsoever, its just a word, i swear around my kids but also each them that they cannot repeat them and they never ever do, purelybecause its ugly to hear a kid swear. But keeping in mind I do not swear AT my children, theres a difference.
I think people can speak dignified without the swearing. Martin Luther spoke his mind without swearing, Jesus spoke without swearing Ghandi spoke with out swearing. Now once in a while if truly angered and swear is understandable but lately we have people swearing as they speak placing a swear word after every F*** word. That is not normal nor does it make sense.
My son is 18 and I have taught him that if he wants to cry, then let them tears fall. It is okay to cry and let them tears fall. This misconception of telling men that they need to man up or that they're not a man because they're crying is [nonsense].
That is the reason why a lot of men are the way they are as far as not being open and being in touch with their feelings, and not all but some men.
College. We will not force our kids to go to college if they don't want to. Let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what they wanna do, ever.
Tell most kids that trades(electricians, pipefitters, etc..) are SCREAMING for people. Little debt, and come out starting at 50k u.s., much more with OT
As a parenting coach, Lewis argues, she respects where each of her clients is coming from and there is no judgement. “However, children need to understand the words they are using, what they mean and this comes through education, discussions and an open relationship with their parents and carers.”
When asked about drawbacks of parents allowing their kids to swear, Lewis said that “a drawback could be that depending on the age or the maturity of the child, they may not always respect the boundaries and rules put in place around swearing or perhaps there weren’t any and they are just repeating what they have heard.”
We teach our kids at a young age what sex is, what their parts are, what drugs are, everything. We teach them everything at a very young age. That way they know what the consequences are. They know what the actions are, they know what the positivity to everything is, and they don't ever have to be ashamed of who they are.
Why hide it? Keep the stuff they watch family friendly, but make sure they know about the real world.
If my kid needs a mental health day from school, whatever it is, I'm gonna let them take it. They don't have to be sick. We don't have to have something to do. We don't have to have any of that. For my kid to stay home, all they have to do is say: "Mom, I need a day to myself. I need a mental health day."
If my kids see anybody being bullied they're to step in and help. It is not okay for any kid to put down another kid ever. I said what I said.
( i need to edit this since our realities are very very different, my coment is for an " outside the school grounds situation ", ínside there are people that monitors the children ) My a*s, i would never tell my kid that, " ohhh go and help, and then you get your a*s kicked as well ". My advice would be " you see someone getting bullied, if you get the chance get vídeo or a picture, hide and call the Police, once they arrive show them either the vídeo or a picture of you get them, if not try to describe them to the officers "
Moreover, swearing can become a default behavior, the parenting coach argues. “It’s something that we do without thinking about it, we use the words for effect, attention and often we use them as they are on the tip of our tongue and it is easier to say it than think of an alternative.”
“Another drawback is the judgement of others and their values around the use of such words, it can also cause offense to others without meaning to,” Lewis added.
But there may be some benefits to swearing as “children are encouraged to be themselves, to express themselves.” Lewis explained that “If the boundaries are respected around swearing, then this too is a benefit in that there is respect and acknowledgement of the rules and systems of the family.”
Our kids are to treat everybody equally while at the same time, know that everybody is not treated equally. If you understand what that means. We tell them to see color and not to ever say, "I don't see color", because you do, you treat everybody the same, the same way you would treat a homeless person staying on the corner of the street is the same way you would treat the president of the US.
Yes! What kind of parent tells their kid to attack every poor non-white person?!
Religion. My first two kids I baptized, but my last two kids I did not baptize. I will allow them to choose if they wanna follow a religion, if they wanna believe in God, if they don't wanna believe in God. Whatever they feel is best for them.
this mom is a perfect example of what all christians should be like
I will allow my daughters to wear tampons. And I will teach them the proper way to wear tampons. I'm gonna tell you why. When I started my period, nobody had taught me how to wear tampons, and I was told I was not allowed to wear them, but I did because I wanted to be in my swim class. You know what happened? It got stuck. So I had to go to the emergency room and be embarrassed and have them take it out because I left the cardboard on.
I'm sorry, ( about it getting stuck and having to go to the ER) but you should teach your daughters who get periods everything about having one! Thank you for doing this
My kids will be allowed to live in my house bill-free after they turn 18 and whenever they're ready to move out, they can go after the age of 18. However, I will not make them move out.
I agree with not asking to move out, however If I had means to do this I'd charge my kid reasonable rent/fee, once he starts working. Save that rent/fee in his name and gift it to him when he is ready to move out.
Our kids are allowed to wear what they want. It's their body, their style, their choice, whatever they wanna wear, they can wear.
People of the opposite gender staying the night. We allow it. Yes we do. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because there are some kids out there that don't have homes to go to or their parents kicked them out, or stuff in that instance.
Tattoos and piercings. Our kids are allowed to get piercings and they're allowed to get tattooed, with one exception to the tattoo. They have to wait till they're at least 16 and they have to have pondered on it, really thought about what they wanted, a good place for it to be at, and as long as the shop allows it at that age. Piercings, I feel like it's a way they express themselves. I don't see nothing wrong with piercings.
My kids don't have a curfew. They respect that they have to be home at a reasonable time, and most of the time they're always at home anyways.
in many places, there is a legal limit to this in which the parent has no choice
My kids are allowed to have an imagination. That means if they believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or whoever the groundhog, they're allowed to believe in it. We don't tell 'em it's real or fake because kids are supposed to have an imagination.
but actually believing something is true or real, is NOT imagination.
Makeup. I never used to allow my daughters to wear makeup because I wanted them to see their beauty for what it really was. Being their natural self. But now I realize, no, I'm gonna allow them to try makeup if they wanna try it.
Oh come on. I get that make up can cause or drive insecurities and may be bad for the skin but let them wear make up occasionally, just because they like how they look wearing make up doesn’t mean that they will develop huge insecurities at least 99% of the time
My kids get a cell phone the moment they start school. And this is for safety reasons as well, and their location will be on it at all times because nowadays you cannot be too careful.
Eh. that justification just isn't accurate. "Nowadays" there are 40% less abductions and kidnappings than 20 years ago. Parent however you want but unfounded fear will gnaw on you.
My kids don't have a bedtime. They do know that when school starts, they have to be in their room at a certain time and they can watch TV and do whatever they need to do to allow them to fall asleep.
I do the "bedtime routine" of brushing teeth, pajamas etc at a set time, after which my "work day" ends and my daughter is expected to leave us alone until morning. There's no screen time past this point, but she is allowed to read as much as she likes until she falls asleep, because I know it takes her a long time to fall asleep just like me. She's reading well above grade level, so I think it's working?
Screen time, TV time. They're allowed to be on it for as long as they want, watch what they want, do what they want on their screen time.
So far, I've applauded most of these, but I really just can't get behind this one. There have been a plethora of studies on the negative consequences of screens on the developing brain. Everything on the internet is geared to trigger dopamine, and the brain just isn't equipped to handle such a constant barrage. Dopamine is supposed to be the 'reward' neurotransmitter, but if your brain starts expecting rewards all the time, it eventually needs more and more of it to feel normal. It can lead to addiction, lack of focus, and depression. It's hard enough for adults who are at least sort of aware of what's going on, to where they can moderate it somewhat, but god help a child with unlimited screen time.
My kids are allowed to have social media when they're young. Yes, we will monitor it, but once they hit about 11-12, we will stop monitoring it. Because my kids know when to come to us if they need to tell us something or anything.
Its a great idea lol, stop monitoring them right at the time the hormones start to Kick in ......
Casara's videos sparked a heated discussion among parents online
Most of these are so obvious, I almost feel like it's a little sad that some parents feel these are something unique and special. Especially the tampon one...
Most of these are great, but a few are just dereliction of parental duty. Unlimited screen time + no curfew = kid too tired to function in school. Social network too young then unsupervised + unlimited screentime = screen addiction, with its consequences on the developping brain, and mental health damage from online interactions. Tatoos : a child's brain is not fully developped regarding long term thinking and consequences before well into their 20's. A parent's duty is also to protect children from themselves.
So my kids (8 and 11) have unfettered access to screens. Some days they play video games all afternoon. Others they get lost in a new book. And when it's nice they run around the neighborhood and play until it's dark. Because they know it's there they don't care about it. The more you restrict something the more kids think about it and want it. Your objections can be directed to their extracurricular teachers, academic teachers and the like. Both are successful and well adjusted.
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How are these things contraversial? This is how I raise my kids. And point 16?! I've never heard of girls not beeing allowed to wear tampons, is that really a thing?
Sadly, yes in conservative families they believe girls will lose their virginity if they insert a tampon or menstrual cup.
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Funny that most of the commenters were most offended by the allowance of profanity.
Noticed that too. The most superficial of all those rules…
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I disagree with a few of these: tattoos (as a woman who has MANY), you do not know who you are at that age and it’s just not a good idea. Nor is the internet one, I responded to the post, but please do not let your kids become a story on the news meeting randos they don’t know.
It's so cute when parents say "my kids trust me and tell me everything". Makes you want to say "well, bless your heart!"
A bit, yes. I mean - that's the goal of many parents - nothing wrong with that. But...... it's part of growing up not telling your parents everything. It's creating your own identity and a sign of healthy attachment to want to break free from your parents, bit for bit. I'm not saying that means you should monitor your kids at all times, give them some freedom, but don't trust blindly that they will "come to you" with everything.
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I feel like these are all healthy ways to parent. Look I am generation X and our parents were very hands off. They didn't do much or teach us much and because of that we spend a lot of time in our adult years figuring things out that we should have learned early one. My grandparents were super hard on both my parents so I guess this new way of parenting is just trying to correct all of that!
Then it's overcorrection. Don't beat your kids up, but teach them what they need to know when they step out the door!
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Man - The number of people piling on the swearing thing. OP wrote that her children know when, where, around whom they can swear. They're not just firing off f-bombs willly-nilly. Other than that - a lot of this is common sense. The only ting I don't agree with is the phone/location thing. My parents left me to my own devices from the moment I left the house to when I got back by curfew. Mind you - they didn't have a choice - no mobiles in the 70s and 80s ;) Now we expect to be able to contact everyone in the moment. know where they are all the time. If you're sure you're raising your children right - trust them. You'll drive yourself crazy otherwise.
I love this woman! I do agree with the majority of what she is saying. I was NEVER able to talk to my parents about anything going on with me for fear of judgement (they were all about how people perceived them) until I tried to commit suicide. Even then I was still hesitant to tell them things.
I'm so sorry. I hope you have people in your life who you feel comfortable freely expressing yourself with. I have a similar relationship with my parents, but it's a little better than what you described. Hugs!!!!
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All these people like: Oh my god, YoU lEt YoUr KiDs SaY h-E-dOuBlE hOcKeY sTiCkS?!
These things sound great but it's basically just permissive parenting. There are pros, but there are also lots of cons in all the parenting and psychological literature. Just have to be careful to give kids appropriate responsibility according to their maturity level, which, granted, is different for each kid.
I agree with some of these, but at times it just feels like you're asking for your kids to take advantage of you. Either you have perfect, responsible children with mutual trust...or you're being lazy. Don't downvote pls, just an observation. Some boundaries SHOULD be set (swearing, screen time, social media, etc.), or the child will not grow. They are NOT adults-- we should not treat them as such.
Some of them just make me sad. Like teaching your daughter about periods and tampons should not be controversial, and neither should having your child call you to come and pick them up if they feel uncomfortable. Some of them are just like mean girls when she says "I'm not a regular mom I'm a cool mom." They just feel like ploys for their child to like them. So when their child can't get into a good college because they were allowed to have social media at 12 and posted something inappropriate, then this mother will probably regret it.
So I cannot fully stand behind the college one. I feel higher education should be encouraged, whether it is college or trade school.
It was nice of her to share HER AGENDA but that isn't going to work for all parents and children. As I read some of it, I hoped she wasn't hoisted on her own petard.
Most of these rules will apply to most children although there are some that can't have unlimited screen time, and can't not have a curfew. My mom allowed us to do most of these things, my sister took advantage and I was the one that was home at a reasonable hour and went to bed in a reasonable time. I think it just depends on your child. I have two of my own and I've always been open and honest with them and most of these rules I used. My nephew on the other hand needs to have strict limits on screen time cuz he would spend 24/7 on a computer and or phone
Who cares about cussing 💀 it's just words literally as long as you aren't calling someone that (slurs are different) 💀💀💀
I always hide. Always have, and most likely will continue for years as it is how I coped with my parents and still do. At 17, I am still trying to figure out my way in the world. However, social media should not be given to young kids. They can be targeted so very easily, and not all kids will remember that someone is there for them. I believe social media is okay to have at age 15-16 with monitoring until age 18, simply because hormones are heightened. For young children, there are things like Messenger Kids, Lego, and other children social media apps that are controlled and positive. With that said, children also need a curfew on school nights. This is due to good grades being more important. And yes, kids need a phone for school. Not necessarily a smartphone, but something to communicate. Peers are less likely to steal a flip phone than a smartphone.
My kids (8 and 11) run around outside until it's dark. Know they have to be in their beds at a certain time but can do whatever to fall asleep like OP and have the same free will as her kids. And they are smart, well adjusted, empathetic delightful little humans. They respect themselves and their friends. They know (and do) tell us about everything no matter what. And the swearing thing omg. Why is it okay to say c**p or shoot but not the other ones. BOTH ARE JUST LETTER AND MEAN THE SAME THING. That high horse you rode in on is depleting the oxygen to your brain.
I really dislike a lot of the comments I have read about this post. Clearly, the mother is smart, says age-appropriate boundaries as she has four children of four different ages and explains the reasoning why she’s doing these things she’s doing what I have read is a bunch of adults literally being more disrespectful to her in comments then I promise her children are in any way, shape or form. You know you who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves. The author is clearly teaching her children not to grow up like you.
This mom has such wisdom, tolerance and common sense. I would have loved growing up in such an environment. My folks, God love them and may they rest in peace, were good people, but they were elderly, emotionally absent and over controlling parents trying to cope with a gifted, highstrung and stubborn daughter (yes, me!), they tried to raise me as if it was 1880 instead of 1960. I ended up running away at age 16 and was estranged from them for the better part of a decade. Eventually we got on better terms for which I'm immensely grateful. I came to realize they were simply a product of their generation's environment, the Victorian Age, and were frequently oblivious to the angst and pain I felt from their controlling ways. What they concluded about me as an adult forever remains a mystery lol. Even after all that, now that I'm older, I truly miss them and appreciate them as people.
All these people in the comments losing it over swearing. I just don't get it. She explains she tells them when they can swear, around who, and at what times. As long as the know they can't swear at the teacher or drop an F-bomb out in public for everyone to hear, then who cares. For the people saying that it shows a lack of intelligence, well they would think that bc they are, apparently not that smart themselves. Studies have shown that smarter people tend to swear correctly. How many people swear all the time then get mad at their kids when they repeat exactly what they heard them say. It's hypocritical at best and just plain dumb at worst. Most if these boil down to; treat your kids like people and not a little burden or underling. Treat them as though they have their own thoughts and ideas and feelings and don't punish them too hard for making mistakes while they're learning about the world.
All these people saying they wouldn't let their kids do any of these things, guess what? They're going to do them anyway. They only difference is they're going to get REALLY good at lying to you and hiding them from you. Oh, you dont let your teen drink? Great they're doing it anyway if they want to. The only difference is when they need a ride home they'll get a ride from a drunk friend. When they are in a dangerous situation they'll be in danger bc they're more scared of you punishing and judging them. When your daughter gets drunk and sexually assaulted she won't come to you bc she thinks you'll blame HER! Your not better parents for not allowing these things, your kids are just better liars. They're kids you can't trust bc they can't trust you.
Load More Replies... My parents have many, many, MANY flaws in their parenting, but my mom taught me about pads (she didn't teach me about tampons because she herself doesn't know how to use them, but she signed me up for a session on it in school), and my dad... well, he yells at me SLIGHTLY less when he sees me carrying a pad.
There is actually very little controversy in n these rules. A large majority of kids growing up these days are exposed to/doing all these things. It's just now those parents have a certain amount of 'control' over that behaviour and can guide it to a certain extent from an earlier stage.
Most of these are so obvious, I almost feel like it's a little sad that some parents feel these are something unique and special. Especially the tampon one...
Most of these are great, but a few are just dereliction of parental duty. Unlimited screen time + no curfew = kid too tired to function in school. Social network too young then unsupervised + unlimited screentime = screen addiction, with its consequences on the developping brain, and mental health damage from online interactions. Tatoos : a child's brain is not fully developped regarding long term thinking and consequences before well into their 20's. A parent's duty is also to protect children from themselves.
So my kids (8 and 11) have unfettered access to screens. Some days they play video games all afternoon. Others they get lost in a new book. And when it's nice they run around the neighborhood and play until it's dark. Because they know it's there they don't care about it. The more you restrict something the more kids think about it and want it. Your objections can be directed to their extracurricular teachers, academic teachers and the like. Both are successful and well adjusted.
Load More Replies... How are these things contraversial? This is how I raise my kids. And point 16?! I've never heard of girls not beeing allowed to wear tampons, is that really a thing?
Sadly, yes in conservative families they believe girls will lose their virginity if they insert a tampon or menstrual cup.
Load More Replies... Funny that most of the commenters were most offended by the allowance of profanity.
Noticed that too. The most superficial of all those rules…
Load More Replies... I disagree with a few of these: tattoos (as a woman who has MANY), you do not know who you are at that age and it’s just not a good idea. Nor is the internet one, I responded to the post, but please do not let your kids become a story on the news meeting randos they don’t know.
It's so cute when parents say "my kids trust me and tell me everything". Makes you want to say "well, bless your heart!"
A bit, yes. I mean - that's the goal of many parents - nothing wrong with that. But...... it's part of growing up not telling your parents everything. It's creating your own identity and a sign of healthy attachment to want to break free from your parents, bit for bit. I'm not saying that means you should monitor your kids at all times, give them some freedom, but don't trust blindly that they will "come to you" with everything.
Load More Replies... I feel like these are all healthy ways to parent. Look I am generation X and our parents were very hands off. They didn't do much or teach us much and because of that we spend a lot of time in our adult years figuring things out that we should have learned early one. My grandparents were super hard on both my parents so I guess this new way of parenting is just trying to correct all of that!
Then it's overcorrection. Don't beat your kids up, but teach them what they need to know when they step out the door!
Load More Replies... Man - The number of people piling on the swearing thing. OP wrote that her children know when, where, around whom they can swear. They're not just firing off f-bombs willly-nilly. Other than that - a lot of this is common sense. The only ting I don't agree with is the phone/location thing. My parents left me to my own devices from the moment I left the house to when I got back by curfew. Mind you - they didn't have a choice - no mobiles in the 70s and 80s ;) Now we expect to be able to contact everyone in the moment. know where they are all the time. If you're sure you're raising your children right - trust them. You'll drive yourself crazy otherwise.
I love this woman! I do agree with the majority of what she is saying. I was NEVER able to talk to my parents about anything going on with me for fear of judgement (they were all about how people perceived them) until I tried to commit suicide. Even then I was still hesitant to tell them things.
I'm so sorry. I hope you have people in your life who you feel comfortable freely expressing yourself with. I have a similar relationship with my parents, but it's a little better than what you described. Hugs!!!!
Load More Replies... All these people like: Oh my god, YoU lEt YoUr KiDs SaY h-E-dOuBlE hOcKeY sTiCkS?!
These things sound great but it's basically just permissive parenting. There are pros, but there are also lots of cons in all the parenting and psychological literature. Just have to be careful to give kids appropriate responsibility according to their maturity level, which, granted, is different for each kid.
I agree with some of these, but at times it just feels like you're asking for your kids to take advantage of you. Either you have perfect, responsible children with mutual trust...or you're being lazy. Don't downvote pls, just an observation. Some boundaries SHOULD be set (swearing, screen time, social media, etc.), or the child will not grow. They are NOT adults-- we should not treat them as such.
Some of them just make me sad. Like teaching your daughter about periods and tampons should not be controversial, and neither should having your child call you to come and pick them up if they feel uncomfortable. Some of them are just like mean girls when she says "I'm not a regular mom I'm a cool mom." They just feel like ploys for their child to like them. So when their child can't get into a good college because they were allowed to have social media at 12 and posted something inappropriate, then this mother will probably regret it.
So I cannot fully stand behind the college one. I feel higher education should be encouraged, whether it is college or trade school.
It was nice of her to share HER AGENDA but that isn't going to work for all parents and children. As I read some of it, I hoped she wasn't hoisted on her own petard.
Most of these rules will apply to most children although there are some that can't have unlimited screen time, and can't not have a curfew. My mom allowed us to do most of these things, my sister took advantage and I was the one that was home at a reasonable hour and went to bed in a reasonable time. I think it just depends on your child. I have two of my own and I've always been open and honest with them and most of these rules I used. My nephew on the other hand needs to have strict limits on screen time cuz he would spend 24/7 on a computer and or phone
Who cares about cussing 💀 it's just words literally as long as you aren't calling someone that (slurs are different) 💀💀💀
I always hide. Always have, and most likely will continue for years as it is how I coped with my parents and still do. At 17, I am still trying to figure out my way in the world. However, social media should not be given to young kids. They can be targeted so very easily, and not all kids will remember that someone is there for them. I believe social media is okay to have at age 15-16 with monitoring until age 18, simply because hormones are heightened. For young children, there are things like Messenger Kids, Lego, and other children social media apps that are controlled and positive. With that said, children also need a curfew on school nights. This is due to good grades being more important. And yes, kids need a phone for school. Not necessarily a smartphone, but something to communicate. Peers are less likely to steal a flip phone than a smartphone.
My kids (8 and 11) run around outside until it's dark. Know they have to be in their beds at a certain time but can do whatever to fall asleep like OP and have the same free will as her kids. And they are smart, well adjusted, empathetic delightful little humans. They respect themselves and their friends. They know (and do) tell us about everything no matter what. And the swearing thing omg. Why is it okay to say c**p or shoot but not the other ones. BOTH ARE JUST LETTER AND MEAN THE SAME THING. That high horse you rode in on is depleting the oxygen to your brain.
I really dislike a lot of the comments I have read about this post. Clearly, the mother is smart, says age-appropriate boundaries as she has four children of four different ages and explains the reasoning why she’s doing these things she’s doing what I have read is a bunch of adults literally being more disrespectful to her in comments then I promise her children are in any way, shape or form. You know you who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves. The author is clearly teaching her children not to grow up like you.
This mom has such wisdom, tolerance and common sense. I would have loved growing up in such an environment. My folks, God love them and may they rest in peace, were good people, but they were elderly, emotionally absent and over controlling parents trying to cope with a gifted, highstrung and stubborn daughter (yes, me!), they tried to raise me as if it was 1880 instead of 1960. I ended up running away at age 16 and was estranged from them for the better part of a decade. Eventually we got on better terms for which I'm immensely grateful. I came to realize they were simply a product of their generation's environment, the Victorian Age, and were frequently oblivious to the angst and pain I felt from their controlling ways. What they concluded about me as an adult forever remains a mystery lol. Even after all that, now that I'm older, I truly miss them and appreciate them as people.
All these people in the comments losing it over swearing. I just don't get it. She explains she tells them when they can swear, around who, and at what times. As long as the know they can't swear at the teacher or drop an F-bomb out in public for everyone to hear, then who cares. For the people saying that it shows a lack of intelligence, well they would think that bc they are, apparently not that smart themselves. Studies have shown that smarter people tend to swear correctly. How many people swear all the time then get mad at their kids when they repeat exactly what they heard them say. It's hypocritical at best and just plain dumb at worst. Most if these boil down to; treat your kids like people and not a little burden or underling. Treat them as though they have their own thoughts and ideas and feelings and don't punish them too hard for making mistakes while they're learning about the world.
All these people saying they wouldn't let their kids do any of these things, guess what? They're going to do them anyway. They only difference is they're going to get REALLY good at lying to you and hiding them from you. Oh, you dont let your teen drink? Great they're doing it anyway if they want to. The only difference is when they need a ride home they'll get a ride from a drunk friend. When they are in a dangerous situation they'll be in danger bc they're more scared of you punishing and judging them. When your daughter gets drunk and sexually assaulted she won't come to you bc she thinks you'll blame HER! Your not better parents for not allowing these things, your kids are just better liars. They're kids you can't trust bc they can't trust you.
Load More Replies... My parents have many, many, MANY flaws in their parenting, but my mom taught me about pads (she didn't teach me about tampons because she herself doesn't know how to use them, but she signed me up for a session on it in school), and my dad... well, he yells at me SLIGHTLY less when he sees me carrying a pad.
There is actually very little controversy in n these rules. A large majority of kids growing up these days are exposed to/doing all these things. It's just now those parents have a certain amount of 'control' over that behaviour and can guide it to a certain extent from an earlier stage.
