From less risk of depression to better self-esteem, a loving father-daughter relationship can provide benefits for a lifetime.
The truth is, whether we like it or not, fathers are our first role models when we come into this world. They play a huge role in girls' development, confidence, and self-esteem; they lay a foundation for what we understand as trust, security and love.
But in reality, any woman who grew up with a father knows how complex and often difficult this relationship can be. “Daughters of Reddit, what is something you wish your father knew about girls when you were growing up?” someone asked in this Ask Reddit thread that turned into a raw and very candid read.
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Unwanted sexual attention from grown men doesn't always come from strangers. It comes from "family friends" too.
Pay attention to your friends' behaviors and comments around your kids.
My dad cut off a longtime friend after catching him leering at me in a bathing suit at a pool party when I was only 12.
To find out more about the role of a father in a child’s development, we reached out to Rachel Rothman, MS, RD, CLEC registered dietitian and childhood nutrition expert in San Diego, who is also the author of Nutrition In Bloom.
Rothman argues that a father, and parent or caregiver in general, bonding with a child is crucial for a child's development. “Parents provide children with a sense of security, which is so important from a young age. They also provide a role model, which is so important as a child develops,” she explained.
When it comes to establishing a close bond with your children from an early age, Rothman said that the best advice she can give is to be there. “When it comes to parenting, there are so many things we often feel we ‘should’ be doing,” she said.
“However, being there for our child, listening to our child, and offering support are so important. I also feel it's important for a parent to take care of themselves, to take time for themselves, and get the support they need,” Rothman concluded.
Disclaimer: I love my dad, we have a great relationship, he has always believed in my abilities at the end of the day.
That when you let your 10 year old son have more freedom to ride bikes far from home, go to the store alone, and take risks than your 13 year old daughter for no other reason than her gender, she's going to be PISSED and spend the next 10 years rejecting all things feminine because you have convinced her that to be female means to be weak and vulnerable. Masculinity does not equal strength and maturity, and femininity does not equal weakness and gullibility. It took a long time, but he recognizes that now.
I had this fight with my dad around 15yrs old, his reasoning behind me needing stricter rules was because I "could get pregnant" even though I was nowhere near doing any of that stuff - informed him my brothers could get multiple girls pregnant every week so maybe concentrate on their behaviour - something he never considered before. After that we agreed that I would no longer ask for permission as such but just let them know where I was, who with etc, and be home by set times - not once did I ever feel the need to lie to them about where I was, I didn't feel the need to rebel and I felt trusted - something I have carried over onto my own children
Our standards of how we expect to be treated by men come from how you treat our mothers.
Show her kindness, we will expect kindness. Treat her like s**t and we assume being treated like s**t is normal.
It's no secret that the relationship between fathers and daughters is complex, to say the least. We often hear about fathers' lack of affection and inability to form close bonds with their children. Sometimes it turns into a difficult relationship between them that starts at an early age. But in order to understand why and how it happens, we have to take a step back and look at the way fatherhood and manhood are portrayed in our society.
So we reached out to Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist practicing in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a researcher, and a retired professor. He also published seven books, including “Men and Their Dogs” and “When Man Meets Dog,” which was awarded the National Indie Excellence Award for Men’s Health.
“It is important to say that in Western culture there is a very rigid approach to what is considered ‘masculine,’” Blazina told us. He continued: “These include being stoic, tough, and denying a need to emotionally bond with others.”
That we take everything he says to heart and he has to be kind. His words can leave deep wounds that stay with her for a lifetime
yeah, I still remember my dad calling me an embarrassment. can't stop thinking about it even though it was a long time ago.
Treating every boy interested in your daughter as your enemy does both of you a disservice.
My dad was very over-protective. Any time a boy had a crush on me, he would be immediately added to my dad's shitlist. Even if he was perfectly kind and respectful.
After a certain point, I just stopped listening to my dad's complaints. In my eyes, he had lost the right to give input about my relationships.
Unfortunately, when I was 17 I became entangled in an abusive relationship.
My dad hated the guy. But since he also hated every one of my previous suitors, I didn't interpret his concerns as legitimate.
On top of that: since he was so busy trying to *prevent* me from having relationships, he never talked to me about what a healthy relationship looks like.
That if you say your eight year old is “too chubby” to wear something that is going to stick in her brain forever. Choose your words wisely and realize that not only the super skinny child had worth.
Yes. I was never pretty to my dad. And I understand some people may find that outdated but it affected me. I started gaining weight after I hit puberty and it was a neverending bombardment. I was already constantly thinking about it and always comparing myself to other girls. But I think it would have helped if my dad wasn't calling me 'buffalo butt' or 'linebacker legs' because his idea of motivation was to degrade. He just thinks that's how to get someone to do something (although he'd never been degraded by anyone in his family, god-forbid. ::rollseyes::) I've been chunky most of my life and even though he's gotten a lot better and doesn't call me names anymore, he always has a comment like, 'you should lose weight'. It's like, ..I'm 43. Will it just ever stop? Can't you just be my dad and be sweet to me?
“While some research suggests these gender roles loosen some as men hit middle age and beyond, the effects of decades of attempting to adhere to very rigid rules for being a male can linger,” the professor explained.
According to Blazina, this presents a complex issue “because for all the rigid rules, men are still social creatures that are hardwired to make and sustain emotional bonds with others.”
Interestingly, as men age, they undergo dramatic personality changes. They can be observed not just in their relationships with humans–close relatives, daughters and sons, partners, etc., but also in their bond with animal companions.
Don't just assume your daughter won't be interested in your activities because they aren't stereotypically girly or because once as a small child, she didn't want to do it. Not wanting, say, go hiking or fishing when I was 5 years old doesn't mean I never ever want to do it. Keep trying to get your kids involved in your life and don't just give up. You're teaching them not to share things about themselves and losing the chance to bond over something you love.
Your children are always more important than your second or third wife.
More to the point, if she is in competition with your kids, take a pass. She isn't the one. If she prioritizes her kids over yours, she isn't the one. Far better is no step-mom than one that doesn't respect your relationship with your kids.
Dear dad,
I have my own brain. Not everything I say has been concocted by my “liberal professor” or [insert male SO’s name here]. Believe it or not, I am 100% capable of forming and voicing my own opinion.
Love,
your special snowflake liberal millennial daughter with a 4 year engineering degree.
Because, Dad, women are into STEM, too. Says your daughter with 25 years working IT.
In fact, Blazina argues that in middle aged and elderly men, animal companions can take on a more complex and central role. According to him, “this is in part due to the fact that men’s social networks are usually always smaller but as males age, they shrink to the size of a postage stamp – a romantic partner and if they are lucky, an animal companion.”
When you catcall 16 year olds, it affects me.
When you moo at overweight girls, it affects me.
When you go through my magazine and literally place your 1-10 rating on each of their foreheads, it affects me.
Basically, the way you treat and talk about women affects me. It let's us know what's "normal" and how we should expect to be treated by men.
That it doesn't make you look weak to show affection once in a while. My dad hardly ever hugged us or said he loved us.
Not girls in general, but I wish he understood that depression is an illness. He spent years angry with me and thinking I was just spoiled. It wasn't til I was in college that he realized I wasn't just a drama queen, I was actually sick and needed medication. That realization has done wonders for our relationship.
I had on and off depression episodes my whole life, and it was always me being “attention seeking” and I better knock it off. Then I got such horrible postpartum depression with my first baby that if I’d been left alone with her, I’d have abandoned her at a hospital and I wouldn’t have told my husband which one. That made my dad think ok, that’s not normal but just suck it up and you’ll be fine. About 5 years ago all comments stopped. Only just found out why - Dad has developed some pretty severe anxiety and is on medication for it. And suddenly mental health is real.
Simultaneously, this places a lot of emphasis on emotional support from just a few connections. “In one study, 45% of middle-aged men were more likely to turn to their dogs in times of emotional support than any other connection—parents, friends, siblings, and adult children; the only bond that rivaled the one with a dog was their significant other.”
“Another study,” Blazina quoted, “found that as men get older (middle-aged), men are also more likely to derive more emotional comfort from the bond with their dog. Making things even more complex is the research suggesting males tend to mask and underreport their emotional behaviors and feelings for their dogs for fear of being thought less manly.”
That not every instance of anger or sadness on my part was because "it must be that time of the month." My dad is a great guy all around, but used to bring that up (even jokingly) waaaay too often.
Ha, my dad’s the opposite. “You know not all emotional issues are pms, right? You’re allowed to just feel s****y.” He’s pretty great. Edit: aww thanks guy I think this is the most upvotes I’ve gotten! 🥰
How to build and support a healthy self-esteem and lifestyle habits. The things you say and the way you treat her can leave a lasting impression on your daughter.
I was a latchkey kid in an Asian household filled with cheap convenience foods (3 for $1 hotdog baos, Chinese crackers, etc) and lack of income for things to do outside of watching TV at home. So, I grew up overweight and uninformed about healthy lifestyle habits.
Since tween-hood, my dad was constantly on me about my body and bluntly laid it out that I would never find a boyfriend. If he saw me in a t-shirt or shorts, he’d comment on how big my arms/thighs looked. I’m now in my late 20s and still refuse to wear tanks/short sleeves/skirts/dresses/shorts because of that idea that has been ingrained in my thought process. The link between being fat and being single still has a huge presence in my mind.
My dad passed away last year from his own struggles with his health (cancer, diabetes, hypertension). Since then, I’ve made my own lifestyle changes and went to therapy. I am about halfway to my weight end goal and I’ve discovered a love for hiking, spin classes, and yoga. But trying to build up self esteem through reframing of things and positive self-talk has been the hardest struggle of all.
That telling me "it's just in your head" anytime I felt *anything* other than happy as a clam, would make me grow up with anxiety and trust issues, and have a hard time expressing/talking about feelings, always thinking I'm "crazy". Just a side note to all you guys out there who have a problem with this- girls are allowed to feel anyway they want at any particular time, just like you. We do not exist to be your personal rays of sunshine. We are human too.
And please don’t ask us to “Smile, it makes you look so pretty!” Especially when we aren’t feeling it. If you’re allowed to have a bummer day so can we.
There are some men (and boys) who are perfectly decent when other men are around, but are not nice to women (and girls) when there are no other men around. Believe your daughter about her own lived experiences, even if you didn't witness them yourself.
And believe other women about their own lived experiences as well. If your daughter grows up hearing you talking about how your mother and sister were *clearly* overreacting when they said your childhood neighbour was creepy - because, after all, he was always perfectly decent to you - your daughter is not going to go to you when your own neighbour is creepy to her when you're not around.
I have unfortunately been a party to this behavior. It makes you feel like a victim all over again in certain situations when someone doesn't want to listen to you about how someone is unsafe creepy person to be around or has already made unwelcomed moves towards your person. It's very hurtful not to be believed.
I'm not sure about girls in general.
To me, I'd rather have had a dad who was *there*, than a dad who was successful and a workaholic.
When your dad is gone, you remember the silly little things: the bedtime stories he told you, playing with you on the beach, having ice cream together.
Be a father who is present in your daughter's life. Play with her when she's small. Tell her stories. When she's older, listen to her. Take an interest in her interests even if they sound silly. Take an interest in her life in general.
That's all anyone can ask.
Don't be scared of having your picture taken, if your daughter wants to take pictures of you, or especially with you, let them. My dad died when I was 13 years old and then I realized that all of his hiding from the camera meant I was left with only a handful of photos and he wasn't in any of our home videos. You don't realize how important they can be until you aren't able to make new ones
I really dislike having my photo taken, because I hate the end result. However, I now try hard to let them be taken, but it's so uncomfortable.
When your daughter is going through puberty and starts getting her period, *don't* write off the things she's going through. There's all sorts of new hormones swirling around in there, and they're gonna affect her mood. She's getting periods, they're probably gonna hurt. Being in pain makes you grumpy, but don't write off every instance of anger or bad temper as being 'because you're on your period'. Maybe her mom doesn't get bad ones, maybe you've never thought about it because your wife is a grown woman who has learned to deal with her periods and the assorted mood swings and pains and moved on; your daughter hasn't yet. Be a little more thoughtful, help teach her ways to manage what she's feeling.
If she's in a lot of pain, and it doesn't change after a while, take her to a doctor. Maybe nothing's wrong and she got s**t luck, but she could have endometriosis or cystic ovaries. Stick up for her at the doctor - lots of women have trouble finding doctors who will listen to them about their pain, and it's very hard to advocate for yourself when you're only 14 and throwing up from pain.
my dad wouldnt even go out and get me pads when i was having horrible cramps
I have the most wonderful father in the world. This post isn't going to be things I wish he knew, but more things he did that were awesome when I was growing up since I'm seeing a lot of daddies with little girls commenting that they're reading this post.
My dad never hesitated to do "girly" things with me. He was the one who took me school shopping (we would often hit Starbucks and then pick up chocolate covered strawberries afterwards). He would fix my hair for school and paint my nails for me. I remember wanting a head full of tiny braids (this was the 90s) and he spent hours of his Saturday afternoon braiding. We played with Barbies and he actually came up with storylines for them and put effort into it. On the other hand, he also never kept me from doing "tomboy" things. I raised baby calves, helped him wash cars, and worked on the lawnmower.
When I was little we had "Daddy-Daughter" dates where we would go to Chuck-E-Cheese or mini-golfing. When I was in middle school and high school we would go to the pool together and lay out and talk. A few years ago we got tickets to see Miley Cyrus' Bangerz tour and got drunk together and had the best time.
He was always patient with anything regarding my self-esteem. He helped me lose weight when I was in middle school and waited for hours for me to get ready before we went somewhere, and never, ever commented on anything other than to compliment me.
The biggest thing I think that he did (and still does) is to encourage my independence. He helped me through school and constantly reminds me that I am a strong woman and that I don't ever have to get married if I don't want to (my mother used to put a lot of pressure on me to "settle down"). He is my friend along with being my dad. I'm forever thankful for him.
I truly am incredibly lucky to have him and I recognize that. I already tell him how much I appreciate him all the time and my first big tattoo was a portrait of us together but I think he will really love seeing this! Also, to all the dads who have commented saying they hope they can be like my dad - if you try to be, you will be! He put effort into our relationship and that's what matters. :)
Sounds like a wonderful man and I'm glad you have him. You're probably a well-adjusted individual! Hopefully because you were raised that way you pass it on to your own children and them to theirs.
Now that I’m an adult I realize just how wonderful my father really is. Not just in comparison to others but he is an objectively amazing father. He taught us children the hard life lessons while still protecting us. He taught us to be self sufficient and independent. He taught us to work hard and don’t give up just because things get challenging. He busted his a*s to make sure we got to go on vacation and experience life. He taught me to hunt, fish, and fix a car. He also taught me to garden and grow my own vegetables. How to take care of livestock and other animals with compassion.
However, he also treated me more like a son than a daughter. I only wish that my father would’ve acknowledged that I’m a girl and it’s okay for me to like dressing up and that it’s okay to “throw like a girl”. Granted, I got a full ride to college for sports and that’s partly because I had to hang with the boys and my dad didn’t want me to be a great female player but just a great player in general. I think he messed me up only in the sense that it’s extremely difficult for me to date. I’m either too intimidating to strangers or “one of the boys” to people I know. I think I lost my feminine side because I am so close to my dad and he was slightly dismissive of my emotional side. I had to be tough and stoic.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain; I just feel like if my dad were less of a hard a*s and treated me more like a daughter than a son I would fit in more. Maybe be able to get a date instead of always just being a “bro”. That being said I am thankful for the life skills he provided and the protective eye he still has watching over his baby girl. [26yo F]
Edit: news update; got a lot of confidence from all the positivity and now I’ve got a date coming up with a guy who doesn’t know me or my “bros” and I get to make an actual first impression without being seen as one of the boys beforehand. Wish me luck! He seems kind and intelligent; I’m really excited to see what happens! Even if it’s a flop it’s a good step out of my passive ways!
Good luck!! You can do this, just make sure that you don’t lose who you are to fit someone else’s standards…your dad included!
I wished he knew girls could like girls and it was ok. That would have made my coming out story less dramatic.
My middle daughter never actually came out to us. We pretty much always knew, never made a fuss about same-sex relationships, and just took it in our stride when she started dating girls. The way we (my wife and I) see it, heterosexual kids don't need to announce their sexuality, so why should gay and lesbian kids. Just raise them with the knowledge that whatever someone's sexuality, it's perfectly natural, and there'll be no need for those nerve-wracking 'coming-outs'.
If you want someone to respect you, you have to go first. My folks (especially my dad) would patiently explain how my feelings and desires were silly, because they didn't share them: but expect me to prioritize their feelings and desires even though I didn't share them. If you want her to be polite to your boring friends, be polite to hers. If you don't want her wearing a lip ring to the company picnic, don't wear socks with Crocs when you pick her up at school. If you're poor and she has to wear hand-me-down clothes, dress yourself out of the thrift shop.
Don't make your daughter feel bad for going through puberty. My dad made me feel so humiliated when I first started my periods and also made me feel like young going through puberty, growing breasts and having hair down there was something that should only be for adults and somehow I was growing up way before I should have.
That’s so sad. On the other hand, I applaud any father that gives no F’s about buying his daughters tampons or sanitary napkins. My stepdad used to do this for us. As soon as Summer’s Eve came out with new products…he got it without asking. Lol. One time he bought a box of Instead disposable cups for menstrual cycles. He was uber curious how they worked and when mom discreetly showed him…he was amazed! Lol. Yeah mom thought that was hilarious.
That it is best to have a personal bond with your father, a hobby or activity that’s the two of you -no matter how small, and not him just be there when the whole family is together.
When our outdoor cats would get ticks I quickly alerted my father and we removed them. For him a chore and for me the one thing that was *us doing something together*.
- you need to teach by example. Don’t go around preaching things that you don’t even do.
- give her privacy. So many times I had my bedroom door threatened to be taken away, or my belongings taken away, etc. It was horrible and I felt like I was in jail.
- while it is important to compliment her on things she has control over (big achievements, good test mark, etc.) it’s also important to tell her she’s beautiful. I never got that.
- pay attention to her interests and ask about them. Make sure she has opportunities too, like if she’s interested in something around 8 or 9, she obviously can’t sign herself up for a team/lessons of any kind.
- remember that one day she is going to be an adult and you need to prepare her for that as a teen. That means you treat her like she is an emotionally mature person, not a 4 year old. You teach her how to have calm, stable discussions that reach compromises, not screaming arguments. Also teaching her how to cook her own healthy food is very important.
How to put hair in pony tails/brush long hair in general. Just thinking about it twenty years later makes my scalp hurt.
Also, to include the daughter in stereotypically-male housework. I can cook and load a dishwasher like my life depends on it, but I can't do any sort of maintenance like putting up a picture frame or unclogging a sink.
When you do something wrong, apologize. Don't just try to ignore what we just fought about and try to be our friend 15 minutes later. When you try to ignore our problem, it hurts us. It makes us angry. We won't want to be friends.
My friends and I have almost all had this issue with our dads. The worst thing, though, is when you try to have someone else apologize fix things for you. My dad has asked me to be this middleman for my younger sister, my friend has been asked by her dad, and some others have mentioned their dad sending in their mom. It doesn't make things better, and a lot of the time, makes that middleman lose respect for you.
Respect us as people and apologize to us.
Even us boys need that! I’m always sure to apologize directly (because of my wife). Both to our son and to anyone else it’s necessary to apologize to!
That girls are not delicate little creatures who can't do anything. I always wanted to be an auto mechanic and help work on cars and he'd never let me. He told me girls can't do "man jobs" because they cause drama on the jobsites when all the guys are worried about sleeping with them. Now I am always having car trouble and have to pay out the a*s to get a mechanic to fix simple things because he wouldn't just show me how to fix it.
Edited to add that I grew up before the internet. YouTube IS awesome now but there's something really intimidating for me about even trying now just because of the attitude I faced being a girl in my house.
If you can turn a wrench and understand the basics of how an engine works, have no fear! In fact, if you’re really interested go find a salvage yard, ask about a junker engine, buy an engine stand cheap at harbor freight and go to town! Tear it down and put it back together! A couple hundred for the two items and you’ll be a master in no time! Mark everything and put it back where it came from.
That we can be very sensitive about our bodies/looks once we become aware of them.
This is truth. My dad called me fat a*s or lard a*s or lard bucket when I was a chubby kid. Hurt like hell. Takes years to get over.
Note: this post originally had 86 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
My dad's mom did not have a good life. She is uneducated (she can't read and can write little more than her name) and per her religion she had to stay in an abusive relationship just to survive (this was the 40's and 50's in rural US). I have 12 older brothers and when I came along, he was determined that I would have a better life than his mother so he was always teaching me things. He taught me home maintenance, basic car repairs, and how to build things. Anytime I asked why the boys weren't doing this stuff too he would say, "You need to learn this so you are capable, and capable girls don't need to rely on stupid boys to have a good life." Every time I complete a home project on my own, I silently thank my dad for making sure I am capable.
ouch... And kudos to your dad. My mom had that attitude. :-)
Load More Replies... This made me too upset; some hit too close to my scars. Parents, please don't expect children to be a mirror of you, a fulfillment of you, or a target for your neuroses. Some of us would've liked a *pre-*-trauma life. I didn't get one. Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.
I wish my dad knew: If we grow up with a sarcastic narcissist, the only communication style we're going to learn is attitude and sarcasm. Instead of getting mad at us for having "attitude" (which can include trying to explain ourselves which he's told us to do before only to get interrupted and talked over), maybe reflect on why we're sarcastic. I also wish he knew that every comment he makes on other women, we pick up on. When he calls my sisters cheer teammates that are a perfectly healthy weight and look good "fat girls", or when any girl who literally isn't skinny with a flat stomach is "a fat cow who needs to dress for her weight" we internalize that. I refuse to ever wear anything cropped because my stomach isn't completely flat and he's like 60% of the reason why. Also when we go somewhere and his first comment is "don't get pregnant" it gets annoying.
Are we related? My dad was like that, too. Sympathies.
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Couldn’t even finish reading these, I hope every panda who’s been through stuff like this knows I love them and hope things are (or are going to be) better
I wish every dad understood how cool it is to have a daughter. Having a little girl is awesome! Take the time to hang out and talk with her. The insights she has and how she sees the world will amaze you. She has taught me about being a guy, including how (I am embarrassed to say) wrong some of things that I did as a teen/ early 20s were. She is an amazing person and I have throughly enjoyed spending this part of my life her. I want to tell every guy out there that you will never have a relationship with anyone that is as unique and cool as the one you will have with your daughter. If you have the chance, IMO take it.
That I'm stronger than he thinks I am. Yes I'm aware it's a dangerous world out there for women, but freaking out every single time I go out without my husband is ridiculous. My dad has always acted like he's the only one who could protect me, like I'm an idiot who couldn't possibly defend herself against something bad. I could take him in a fight easily, I have self defense training and keep myself in shape, I don't need a man to be with me 24/7.
Man, my dad is a diagnosed narcissist. Makes me happy he never had the chance to screw me up as a child. I'm glad he wasn't around. I'll never know what it's like to be treated like a child princess by a father figure, but I'll also never know what it's like to be treated like a child burden either.
My dad always pressured me to have kids, biological ones. I said why can’t I adopt (I still don’t want kids but if I ever had any this is how I would prefer) and he said cuz they wouldn’t inherit my brains. I don’t want kids, and this is also before I came out to him lol other than that he is awesome and when I came out he kinda understood more and really stopped
So glad some of these things are coming to light. These issues need to be addressed. My heart goes out to all of those who have suffered from such negligence or ignorance.I look forward to a day where we judge people by their actions and acts in life, not by their gender or appearance or anything like that.
Holy s**t. I have never been more thankful to have what I thought was a "normal" dad. Y'all are calling house chores "female housework" and home maintenance "male housework." In my home, everyone did everything. My dad never said s**t like "must be that time of the month," or made me feel bad about my appearance (in that regard, my mother is a different story), and when my sisters got boyfriends, he did not become grossly overprotective. Plus, my dad loves hanging out with his kids, it does not matter what it is we be doing (or their gender?? Tf?). Do dads actually care about the activity? I am willing to share my dad with yall
Well this definitely made me miss my dad. He was an amazing man. Only thing I wish he knew was that it's okay to cry. He wasn't great at showing vulnerability. He raised us kids (there are 5 of us) to think that being emotional was a sign of weakness. It was the same for the boys and the girls. We could talk about feelings, share troubles, ask for and give advice but we couldn't be openly emotional about any of it if that makes sense. I'm in my 40s now and, despite knowing that emotions are healthy, I still only allow myself to be upset or cry or be angry when I am sure that I am alone. It annoys the f out of my therapist. I'll sit there and talk to her about deeply traumatic things from my life like I'm talking about what I had for lunch.
One not on here that I would like to add- My dad is somehow passive AND overprotective- Dads PLEASE let your daughter have some freedom. Not everything she's doing online is a sin . And two- that you DO SOMETHING about abuse!! I know you "know" your wife/brother/uncle- But they can easily abuse a small girl!!! When she tells you about abuse- Believe her and HELP. dont act like they didn't do it, or that "they wouldn't do that" And three- please for the love of God, make yourself available to her.. Otherwise she is never going to tell anyone that "so and so touched me" because you won't even listen to her.. And before you ask- these are personal experiences. And no one irl is ever gonna know because my dad isn't going to ever listen and because of that im too cowardly to say it... If your a dad (even a mom/uncle/gaurdian) ... please heed my words...
My mom put me into scouts and I hated it. She was leader a couple of times. Every year when the father daughter dinner came up.he was busy with the opera. So my mom insisted we go and she would go instead of him. Which I hated even worse. I have no gs father daughter dinners with him. I don't think I'll ever tell him how much that hurt.
I'm a guy. And while I strive to do this, I can't help but think of my trauma. My father was a deadbeat and my step dad was military. So I grew up with my mom, who was chronically depressed when my step dad was overseas. Shed get better for a couple days after talking to my half sister. Which, of course, made me feel great. I spend all week making food, doing my homework, cleaning the house AND making sure you eat. And what do I get? Nothing. She talks to you for 5 minutes and you're up and active and being a mom again. Then there's the issue that when my step dad would come home from deployment, would I get recognition for everything I did as the only functional member of the house? Nope. I'd get in trouble for little failing. Missed the cat box? Sorry, I thought making food for mom who hadn't eaten in 3 days was more important. Guess I'm grounded now. There's more, but panda limits. But yeah, I'm resentful. And people wonder why I want a day off. I've been working since I was 9.
That even if he isn't around and physically in her life, he can still be a part of it. That just because she is being raised by someone he doesn't like doesn't make her an extension of that person. That just because he doesn't agree with her choices in life, whether as a child or an adult, doesn't mean he should ridicule those choices. That not every question or request is an entitled demand for something.
He might not have had primary custody, but him being the one reaching out on a phonecall would have been nice sometimes. Just because he hated my mom and she was raising me doesn't mean I'm a carbon copy of her; I'm not. He might not have agreed with the circumstances and decisions of my life, but he didn't need to voice his disgust and disdain so empathically. Me asking his to come get me to attend his mother funeral 3 hours away wasnt me refusing, it was me not able to get there otherwise because the family car had broken down. Me trying to buy a fixer upper classic car and asking him if he wanted to help me with it wasn't me demanding his money, it was me trying to find something to do with him that I knew we were both interested in. I ended up hanging up and bursting into tears when I asked him if he had been intending on helping me pay for college and he went off on how I was a gold digger and all I ever talked to him about was his money. I've been no contact since I was 17.
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My brother in law is a narcissist and is negatively affecting my niece and nephew, but my sister won't leave because she's worried about money.
I couldn't finish reading these. My father made my mom's, brother's and my life miserable growing up. So I hope he treats my half sister, my half brother and his 2nd wife better than he did with us.
Everyone on here's feelings are valid. That being said it's interesting how there's a handful saying they wish their dad had treated them more like a girl and not forced them to fit in with the guys and then there's another handful saying their dad shouldn't have made them feel like they should stick to stereotypically girly activities or roles. I guess this sort of feels like it might be a "the grass is greener" situations. Maybe the lesson here is to balance those two?
Maybe the lesson is to take each child as their own individual person with individual interests, and skip "boy" and "girl" labels on interests. Just a thought. :-)
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Give the fathers who are doing their best a break. A lot were just kids when they became parents. My dad perhaps made mistakes, but he was only human and I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss him now he is dead. A massive hole in the heart.
The fathers being complained about here did NOT do their best. A mistake is once, maybe twice. These fathers did what they did over the course of their lives, so it is not a mistake, it's abuse. If my father died, there would be little to miss besides being called names and being told I was nothing to him. Sounds like YOU had a decent relationship with yours. Some of us did not - adults (yes, even parents) can be bad people sometimes.
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The most important thing fathers need to remember is that you don't matter and it's all your fault. Work hard and provide a good home? He was a work a holic who was never around! Take some time off to spend with your kids and get behind on some bills? He was a lazy bum who kept us in poverty! No matter what you do you're almost guaranteed to end up in a bored panda post where your kids and exwife (which you have a better than 50% chance of having) talk about you like you're the reason for all their problems. Forget fathers, the two things every man should always remember are. 1. Condoms are easier to change than diapers, and 2. No one hates you more than the people you love.
As a man I wish my dad complimented me more to my face instead of telling others when I wasn't around. No it's not a "At least he said good things about you" situation. I thought he hated me because it felt like he was always mad at me.
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My dad's mom did not have a good life. She is uneducated (she can't read and can write little more than her name) and per her religion she had to stay in an abusive relationship just to survive (this was the 40's and 50's in rural US). I have 12 older brothers and when I came along, he was determined that I would have a better life than his mother so he was always teaching me things. He taught me home maintenance, basic car repairs, and how to build things. Anytime I asked why the boys weren't doing this stuff too he would say, "You need to learn this so you are capable, and capable girls don't need to rely on stupid boys to have a good life." Every time I complete a home project on my own, I silently thank my dad for making sure I am capable.
ouch... And kudos to your dad. My mom had that attitude. :-)
Load More Replies... This made me too upset; some hit too close to my scars. Parents, please don't expect children to be a mirror of you, a fulfillment of you, or a target for your neuroses. Some of us would've liked a *pre-*-trauma life. I didn't get one. Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.
I wish my dad knew: If we grow up with a sarcastic narcissist, the only communication style we're going to learn is attitude and sarcasm. Instead of getting mad at us for having "attitude" (which can include trying to explain ourselves which he's told us to do before only to get interrupted and talked over), maybe reflect on why we're sarcastic. I also wish he knew that every comment he makes on other women, we pick up on. When he calls my sisters cheer teammates that are a perfectly healthy weight and look good "fat girls", or when any girl who literally isn't skinny with a flat stomach is "a fat cow who needs to dress for her weight" we internalize that. I refuse to ever wear anything cropped because my stomach isn't completely flat and he's like 60% of the reason why. Also when we go somewhere and his first comment is "don't get pregnant" it gets annoying.
Are we related? My dad was like that, too. Sympathies.
Load More Replies... Couldn’t even finish reading these, I hope every panda who’s been through stuff like this knows I love them and hope things are (or are going to be) better
I wish every dad understood how cool it is to have a daughter. Having a little girl is awesome! Take the time to hang out and talk with her. The insights she has and how she sees the world will amaze you. She has taught me about being a guy, including how (I am embarrassed to say) wrong some of things that I did as a teen/ early 20s were. She is an amazing person and I have throughly enjoyed spending this part of my life her. I want to tell every guy out there that you will never have a relationship with anyone that is as unique and cool as the one you will have with your daughter. If you have the chance, IMO take it.
That I'm stronger than he thinks I am. Yes I'm aware it's a dangerous world out there for women, but freaking out every single time I go out without my husband is ridiculous. My dad has always acted like he's the only one who could protect me, like I'm an idiot who couldn't possibly defend herself against something bad. I could take him in a fight easily, I have self defense training and keep myself in shape, I don't need a man to be with me 24/7.
Man, my dad is a diagnosed narcissist. Makes me happy he never had the chance to screw me up as a child. I'm glad he wasn't around. I'll never know what it's like to be treated like a child princess by a father figure, but I'll also never know what it's like to be treated like a child burden either.
My dad always pressured me to have kids, biological ones. I said why can’t I adopt (I still don’t want kids but if I ever had any this is how I would prefer) and he said cuz they wouldn’t inherit my brains. I don’t want kids, and this is also before I came out to him lol other than that he is awesome and when I came out he kinda understood more and really stopped
So glad some of these things are coming to light. These issues need to be addressed. My heart goes out to all of those who have suffered from such negligence or ignorance.I look forward to a day where we judge people by their actions and acts in life, not by their gender or appearance or anything like that.
Holy s**t. I have never been more thankful to have what I thought was a "normal" dad. Y'all are calling house chores "female housework" and home maintenance "male housework." In my home, everyone did everything. My dad never said s**t like "must be that time of the month," or made me feel bad about my appearance (in that regard, my mother is a different story), and when my sisters got boyfriends, he did not become grossly overprotective. Plus, my dad loves hanging out with his kids, it does not matter what it is we be doing (or their gender?? Tf?). Do dads actually care about the activity? I am willing to share my dad with yall
Well this definitely made me miss my dad. He was an amazing man. Only thing I wish he knew was that it's okay to cry. He wasn't great at showing vulnerability. He raised us kids (there are 5 of us) to think that being emotional was a sign of weakness. It was the same for the boys and the girls. We could talk about feelings, share troubles, ask for and give advice but we couldn't be openly emotional about any of it if that makes sense. I'm in my 40s now and, despite knowing that emotions are healthy, I still only allow myself to be upset or cry or be angry when I am sure that I am alone. It annoys the f out of my therapist. I'll sit there and talk to her about deeply traumatic things from my life like I'm talking about what I had for lunch.
One not on here that I would like to add- My dad is somehow passive AND overprotective- Dads PLEASE let your daughter have some freedom. Not everything she's doing online is a sin . And two- that you DO SOMETHING about abuse!! I know you "know" your wife/brother/uncle- But they can easily abuse a small girl!!! When she tells you about abuse- Believe her and HELP. dont act like they didn't do it, or that "they wouldn't do that" And three- please for the love of God, make yourself available to her.. Otherwise she is never going to tell anyone that "so and so touched me" because you won't even listen to her.. And before you ask- these are personal experiences. And no one irl is ever gonna know because my dad isn't going to ever listen and because of that im too cowardly to say it... If your a dad (even a mom/uncle/gaurdian) ... please heed my words...
My mom put me into scouts and I hated it. She was leader a couple of times. Every year when the father daughter dinner came up.he was busy with the opera. So my mom insisted we go and she would go instead of him. Which I hated even worse. I have no gs father daughter dinners with him. I don't think I'll ever tell him how much that hurt.
I'm a guy. And while I strive to do this, I can't help but think of my trauma. My father was a deadbeat and my step dad was military. So I grew up with my mom, who was chronically depressed when my step dad was overseas. Shed get better for a couple days after talking to my half sister. Which, of course, made me feel great. I spend all week making food, doing my homework, cleaning the house AND making sure you eat. And what do I get? Nothing. She talks to you for 5 minutes and you're up and active and being a mom again. Then there's the issue that when my step dad would come home from deployment, would I get recognition for everything I did as the only functional member of the house? Nope. I'd get in trouble for little failing. Missed the cat box? Sorry, I thought making food for mom who hadn't eaten in 3 days was more important. Guess I'm grounded now. There's more, but panda limits. But yeah, I'm resentful. And people wonder why I want a day off. I've been working since I was 9.
That even if he isn't around and physically in her life, he can still be a part of it. That just because she is being raised by someone he doesn't like doesn't make her an extension of that person. That just because he doesn't agree with her choices in life, whether as a child or an adult, doesn't mean he should ridicule those choices. That not every question or request is an entitled demand for something.
He might not have had primary custody, but him being the one reaching out on a phonecall would have been nice sometimes. Just because he hated my mom and she was raising me doesn't mean I'm a carbon copy of her; I'm not. He might not have agreed with the circumstances and decisions of my life, but he didn't need to voice his disgust and disdain so empathically. Me asking his to come get me to attend his mother funeral 3 hours away wasnt me refusing, it was me not able to get there otherwise because the family car had broken down. Me trying to buy a fixer upper classic car and asking him if he wanted to help me with it wasn't me demanding his money, it was me trying to find something to do with him that I knew we were both interested in. I ended up hanging up and bursting into tears when I asked him if he had been intending on helping me pay for college and he went off on how I was a gold digger and all I ever talked to him about was his money. I've been no contact since I was 17.
Load More Replies... My brother in law is a narcissist and is negatively affecting my niece and nephew, but my sister won't leave because she's worried about money.
I couldn't finish reading these. My father made my mom's, brother's and my life miserable growing up. So I hope he treats my half sister, my half brother and his 2nd wife better than he did with us.
Everyone on here's feelings are valid. That being said it's interesting how there's a handful saying they wish their dad had treated them more like a girl and not forced them to fit in with the guys and then there's another handful saying their dad shouldn't have made them feel like they should stick to stereotypically girly activities or roles. I guess this sort of feels like it might be a "the grass is greener" situations. Maybe the lesson here is to balance those two?
Maybe the lesson is to take each child as their own individual person with individual interests, and skip "boy" and "girl" labels on interests. Just a thought. :-)
Load More Replies... Give the fathers who are doing their best a break. A lot were just kids when they became parents. My dad perhaps made mistakes, but he was only human and I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss him now he is dead. A massive hole in the heart.
The fathers being complained about here did NOT do their best. A mistake is once, maybe twice. These fathers did what they did over the course of their lives, so it is not a mistake, it's abuse. If my father died, there would be little to miss besides being called names and being told I was nothing to him. Sounds like YOU had a decent relationship with yours. Some of us did not - adults (yes, even parents) can be bad people sometimes.
Load More Replies... The most important thing fathers need to remember is that you don't matter and it's all your fault. Work hard and provide a good home? He was a work a holic who was never around! Take some time off to spend with your kids and get behind on some bills? He was a lazy bum who kept us in poverty! No matter what you do you're almost guaranteed to end up in a bored panda post where your kids and exwife (which you have a better than 50% chance of having) talk about you like you're the reason for all their problems. Forget fathers, the two things every man should always remember are. 1. Condoms are easier to change than diapers, and 2. No one hates you more than the people you love.
As a man I wish my dad complimented me more to my face instead of telling others when I wasn't around. No it's not a "At least he said good things about you" situation. I thought he hated me because it felt like he was always mad at me.
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