Educational Professional Shares Her Insights About Why Some Men Don’t Want To Pay Child Support And Many People On Twitter Believe It Makes Sense
Fortunately, those days when women couldn’t divorce their husbands are now over and they don’t even need to marry a person to live with them or have children with them. But it gets a little bit more complicated if you do have children, because previously the financial burden was halved, and in case of a separation, one of the parents has to pay child support.
The U.S. Census Bureau says that in 85 percent of cases, men pay child support and it is widely known that they are not always happy to do that even though the child is theirs. Twitter user Nsafoa’s Lost Key may have a theory why that is.
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A Twitter user shared her thoughts on why so many fathers don’t pay child support and she theorizes it is because they don’t feel in control anymore
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The Twitter user thinks that it has to do less with money and more with the psychology of a man who wants to be in control but now that the child is not living with them and they don’t have control over their family, they have less interest in providing for them.
Nsafoa’s Lost Key argues that after creating a new family, men gladly support them financially and thinks that this is proof that money is not the issue.
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She argues that men still pay for new families although they’re not their children
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What is more, the woman claims that men don’t want to file for custody either because the issue isn’t lack of money
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To counter the arguments that men don’t want to pay for children they are no longer living with and raising, the Twitter user gives an example of men getting flustered when asked why they don’t file for custody.
She theorizes that they don’t consider fighting for custody because they don’t need to be involved in the child’s life. The problem lies deeper in the desire to be the one in charge.
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People in the comments were discussing whether the theory has grounds and tried to draw parallels with their own experiences
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Many women in the comments agreed and gave examples from their own lives how their ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends acted as if paying them child support meant that the women owed them something.
And there are actual studies done on why men refuse to financially support children that they know are theirs and there is no conclusion as the reasons often are complex.
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There were a lot of people who agreed that the stereotype of the ‘manly man’ who needs to be in power is true and leads to them not taking responsibility
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Fathers not wanting to pay for their children may be attributed to the fact that they know they won’t see their children as often and they don’t want to invest into that relationship. Or maybe the problem is the courts not enforcing child support payments on men. Of course, men’s financial situation is also a factor, especially if they move on to another family and have to provide for basically two families.
Another reason that surfaced among the thread’s comments was that men are not willing to pay child support because they suspect that the money they give the mom doesn’t always go to help to raise the child and is used for the mothers themselves.
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An article published in The New York Times in 1983 says that a common response why men don’t want to pay child support is that when they get divorced, they “They create a new fantasy of themselves because of the fear of getting old. And the denial may extend to the children.” Basically, the children become a reminder that they are getting old and a sign of the end of a carefree life, but with a new family, they can forget that their children exist.
Another psychological reason that is discussed is that maybe it’s a response to childhood trauma when the men were abandoned by their own fathers.
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But there were also opinions that the theory is a reach and just an excuse to pile dirt on men
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Obviously there are fathers who gladly pay for their children and understand that they are as responsible for them as the mother who has the full custody.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Child Support Enforcement reported that in 2017, $33 billion was paid for more than 15 million children, or one in five. That means $10 billion is not collected, and maybe one of the reasons why could be the loss of control like Nsafoa’s Lost Key theorizes.
What do you think of this theory? Have you ever thought about this yourself or even experienced it? Leave your own theories in the comments!
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I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
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I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
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Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
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It honestly depends on what kind of people they are. In my case, my ex husband didn't want to pay me child support because he said he would not have "control over that money", and I could "spend it on me". Problem is, I am totally not that kind of person, never cared about money, brands, stuff and I was sad to realize how much he didn't even know me. I let that slide, never got any alimony and after 20 years taking care of child without any child support he STILL thinks I am the one who is "obsessed with money". I really don't care, I have a job and I can pay bills but it saddens me that society is teaching men (also many Hollywood series) that women just care about money and they will spend child support like on new car or something. Many men hate women based just on those stupid prejudices.
I would say today it is people dislike system abuse. I am a man, but the way people presume you would think I was the woman. I was the house-husband in our marriage, the wife was the career woman who brought home the money. One day she decided she was unhappy and left me and the kids. I would learn over the next 1000+ days of litigation that she had an affair, and they now live together. She never paid child support or spousal support. If my family had not stepped in to help the kids and I would have ended up homeless. I went back to school while being a single parent to 2 under 2-year-olds. Mom came back about a year later to file for 50/50. The court blindly granted it. In practice, the kids are with me up to 60% of the time. At times more. I pay all their bills with my new job. And the state requires me to pay "mom" child support. Is was sad, but that was what it was all about, mom wanted to make sure she would not pay any. I let it go when she abandoned us.
Load More Replies... I work in family law and yes, control is one of the predominate reasons men don't pay child support, but its not the only reason, and often there is a sort of evolution. Often early in the split they just want to punish their ex. They use child support and other means to financially manipulate and punish. Then they evolve to control - I will only pay if I get the visitation I want. I pay therefore I get to dictate how the money is spent, which school the kids go to, what activities they do and brand of clothes they wear (yes, these are things we encounter in family law). If control works, they stick with it. If it fails they often abandon/neglect the kids. They cant control them so they withhold love and affection and blame the mother for their lack of relationship with the kids. I've represented both fathers and mothers and this process, generally speaking, is quite common.
So you thing it is correct that the mother decides on these things alone, i.e., taking full control over the kid's life? Yes, divorces are all about control, and women are mostly on the winning side of this.
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I tried to get child support in the 90's but never got a penny. Fast forward to 2020. I find out that the man who's living with me skipped out on paying child support in the 90's. "because she was a b*tch and took his motorcycle" I was shocked, stunned, scared, enraged and speechless. I don't even see him as a man anymore, all I see is a self absorbed jerk. Because of covid were stuck living together. We broke up almost a year ago. I had him sign a month to month lease. He is never late paying me rent. He has the guest bedroom and abides by my rules. He has nowhere else to go and his credit is so bad he can't qualify for an apartment. Finding out that he skipped out on his responsibility of paying child support is a deal breaker for me. I lost all respect for him.
This. When I left my ex during my pregnancy he initially threatened allsorts then moved on very quickly, never to be heard from again. I didn't apply for child support until my son was 5 years old. He tried to fight it, then wanted contact. He met my son TWICE before making a pass at me (despite being married to the woman he met while I was pregnant) saying his marriage was a mistake blah blah...of course I turned him down. He dropped contact again and my son hasn't heard from him since. He and his wife now have a son together. He still does everything he can to avoid paying child support for mine.
I think the reasons for not paying child support vary across the spectrum. While this persons theory may be accurate for some, it certainly doesn't cover even the majority of cases. And I've seen villains on both sides. Sadly, in cases where the support is not paid or it isn't used as intended, it's the child that suffers. And when the parent is absent or only sporadically involved, they suffer even more. To me, having a child is a privilege and a joy. It's not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. But when two people make a decision that results in a child being born, they both incur a debt to that child to do their best for it, to love and care for it, and ultimately to raise it in the best way they can. If you aren't ready for that, then take the bloody precautions necessary to it doesn't happen. Too many see the child, not as a person, but a burden or means of gaining finance or a toy or something else. When that happens, you are handicapping that person. Not ok at all
No matter how much you hate your ex pay your child support. Man or woman it isn't about you. It's not about your ex. It is for your child that you bought into the world.
I wish it were. I really do. But honestly, Child Support probably hurts most kids. If you are a poor kid, the state takes child support to repay welfare. If you are a middle-class kid, the whole bounty on your head keeps you locked in the middle of litigation. Where you sleep, who you love, and what extracurriculars you do or do not; they all push who would pay who around. If you are a rich kid, you are payday for whatever adult owns you "correctly". Theory Vs practice. I love the theory of Child Support. Honestly, I would have come up with almost an identical to our state's formula on how to split the "cost of our kids". In practice, the law is: that income does not count or make up this income, those overnights on the paper matter more than who actually takes care of the kids, and technically those kid bills can be argued to be "at other parent's voluntary expense"
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I've also seen a mother get custody of her 3 children even though she was not at all capable of taking care of them or even being stable for them. Her ex husband was ordered to pay child support to her because she did not work. Everytime he gave her child support she would go straight to the liquor store and her drug dealer and would stay drunk and high as long as the money lasted. She never spent any of that money nor any money that she may have found a way to earn herself. Any money that ever crossed her hands went straight to drugs and liquor for herself and for her drugs and liquor only. The children ended up staying with her mother instead of herself, even though she wanted custody and did not want their father to even have visitation with them. Her having custody was all about her controlling him and hurting him. She would only pick the kids up from her mothers house when it was his visitation time. And if his time came and he'd not given her child support for that month yet, then she would hide with the kids somewhere, anywhere that he could not find them and would refuse to let him see the kids unless he gave her some money to get drunk and high. Even though he could afford to give her child support, he would not give it to her because that was his way of controlling her and not allowing her to get her drugs and liquor. It was more about controlling her than it was not giving her a way to be drunk and high in the presence of the kids. Admittedly, he had no business having custody of the children either. He was physically and mentally abusive to his children, especially his son. And her mother had no business having custody either, but she was the lesser of the 3 evils. The only reason she ended up asking for custody herself was for the child support checks she would recieve from both of their parents. The grandmother did ultimately end up getting custody of the children and did actually spend the majority of the child support to help support the children. So again, it's not a matter of only men not wanting to pay child support or not wanting to stay in their children's lives. Men and women are equally capable of being deadbeats when they feel they have little to no control anymore .
Good lord, makes me think people should need a license to have kids!
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Flame away, but I really and truly believe that straight men STILL see parenting as optional! Through much of the history of civilization it actually was optional, men in patriarchal societies had much more sexual freedom than women, and had zero legal responsibility for illegitimate children, they were perfectly free to abandon children they had with mistresses or prostitutes, or to actually hold children they fathered on slaves as chattel slaves. Now things are far better, most men have realized the value of fatherhood and are deeply involved with their children (ALL their children), but there are still those that think they get to just leave if things go sour.
This is the main issue. The kind of men who is against child support sees children as a "womans problem". They never lifted a finger for the kids qhen they were with the mother and see them as her problem to deal with. Most of these men dont even file for custody and the few that do is for punishing the mother. My mums best friend worked in the custody court. She would ask both parents questions like whats the name of their teacher, their shoe size or their besr friend. Most of the time only the mother could answer those basic questions. And they wondered why most of the time women got the custody.
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This is a really hot issue and I think this view is too generalized. I've met men who are happy to pay their child support, men who fight to get it reduced as much as possible, and men who do everything they can to avoid paying it. I've also met very few men who, in my opinion, are paying the proper amount (be it too high or too low). The ironic thing is the guys with the lower payments are always the ones I see complaining the most. My wifes ex is ordered to pay $60 per kid per month and he almost never pays. My best friend is ordered to pay 40% of his gross and while he doesn't like it (makes it hard to cover his own ends) he doesn't begrudge where the money is going.
Honestly, this is more nuanced. I pay child support. Here is why. After 1200+ days of the insanity that is litigation, on the day of our trial, mom was finally ready to actually have a mediation. Our kids got to go to school, holidays, and a few other basic human rights back that you just do not have when you are a piece of property to be equitably divided in the family court. Then we got to child support. If we use fake 50/50 numbers that only exist on paper, and ignore that I pay all their bills. Then I owe mom. If we use reality, mom owes me. In all fighting over which way $750 will fall or be divided. If I do not put my foot down I am stuck for a year, if not more, while I beg the court to follow the law in a modification. May never happen. If I do put my foot down my kids lose all the above. In short, I bought my kids' rights under the law because they have none in the family court.
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Think the main problem is trust: divorce often comes with the destruction of trust between both partners. Now one is paying support, and has to trust the other that money is going to raising and supporting the children. Very soon, the sentiment will be "why should I pay half my income, when they are just spending it on ...". If there were accountability, then paying wouldn't be such a problem.
I've heard this from a close friend of mine that got divorced and now has to pay child support. He said he despises paying the amount he does NOT because he doesn't want to financially support his kid - he's quite happy to do that and WANTS to do it. But he knows for a fact that a good chunk of the money he pays is NOT going to what the child needs or wants but to what his ex wants to buy for herself. He gave an example too; "The day I found out my kid was wearing the same school uniform he wore the previous year, despite having gone through a bit of a growth spurt and also seeing my ex sporting a brand new expensive brand-name bag was the day I lost faith in the system". He said if there was some kind of way to guarantee the money would be spent on the kids and stopped exes pocketing it for their own personal gain he'd be all for it.
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It was true of my sister's ex. He just wanted to control her and punish her. In just the most ridiculous manner. He has part custody, but really he just babysits. Doesn't help with homework, school drop off or pickup, knows nothing about his asthmatic sons health, including who the doctors are. Just does nothing.
Honestly, so many people are paying child support for a myriad of reasons, almost all of the commenters are correct. Deadbeat dads, deadbeat moms. People who only want to see their kid to hurt their ex or because they feel like a bad parent, because they are, for being absent. So many people don't seem to think just because you pay X amount (usually pretty small in the grand scheme of things) and your ex isn't buying ABC for your kid that they are taking it. Rent, groceries, utilities easily eat up any child support. Unless you have a super high income, your ex isn't taking vacations or buying a car with that money...
Of course, great parents are also paying child support. They usually don't complain about it
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This is bullshit! I know a large number of people both men and women who receive child support from the non custodial parent and don't use a single penny of it on the kids or the kids needs. They use it to enhance their lifestyle with trips, personal care etc. This is what pisses of the parent who is paying. The money is for the kid! It is supposed to be considered as their portion of rent bills etc and to help with daily expenses. Not to pay for extras for the parent who then claims to not have any money to do things like buy school supplies or winter coats
Geez, this is the 21st century. Hasn't anyone heard of birth control? On either side?
I worked for lawyers for 22 years, and domestic and family law I absolutely hate. Give me criminal law any day, at least you know what they are right off the bat. But I'll tell you what, I have seen just as many scandalous women who have actually lost custody of their own children trying to punish the man that left them.
My Ex thought CS was something he would pay after he had paid his bills , bought food petrol and anything else, if he had anything left at the end of the month then he would pay CS. He was/is a Narcissist. Total control.
They can ask the court for an accounting of how the money is spent. That and whatever visitation is the best they will get. Sometimes. My dad apparently paid child support, but never got to see us ever again, and we were still unfed and dressed cheaply due to mom's greed.
My fiancé has 50/50 custody with his ex - they BOTH make over $100,000 and she requested child support for their 2 kids and he has to pay her $1,000 A MONTH! How is that logical?! 50/50 and they both make an inordinate amount of money. Our daughter doesn't even count that he has to support her as well. There should also be a record or proof necessary of what it is being spent on, they are wearing clothes too small and she has a brand new wardrobe. The system is so broken.
So apparently BP doesn't just censor but also removes entire comments if they don't agree with them. Way to show your true colors.
Depends on the situation I guess. My lady has two kids and it would be cheaper for me ( by hundreds of dollars per month) to pay what their dad does in child support than to do all that I do. To top that off he makes almost $40 per hour, I make well under $20. Anytime I point this out I get yelled at and told that I shouldn't have chose a woman with kids and they just completely miss the point.
My ex worked full time and refused to pay child support. No matter how many times we went to court. He used to tell bitterly the court " Why should I pay her" He then wondered why his child grew up with a mother who lived pay cheque to pay cheque and could not afford any extras like swimming lessons or new clothes. He then wondered why his child when they became a teenager stopped wanting to visit him. He blamed it all on me. Said I convinced my child to hate their father. I actually encouraged a relationship. A scheduled visitation that my ex rarely showed up for. It was very important to me for our child to have a relationship with their Dad. I lost track of the number of times we waited for him to show up and he never did. Once calling our child and asking if he could pick them up to go to a fair. We turned the car around and went home to wait. AND wait and wait. He never showed. I took them to the fair. My child was sad for weeks after. They wanted their dad. To this day my ex still bad mouths me. Calls me uneducated due to my low wage job and will do and say anything to make me look like a witch in front of out child. His favourite is called me money hungry. We divorced when our child was 2 years old. Our child is now 36 years old. The nasty never stopped.
Lol I've always been thinking that my ex husband doesn't pay child support because he's a shitty person
That's also possible, this theory here is not the only possibility why someone doesn't want to pay.
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I've been a family law paralegal for 35 years. Many people don't pay because of out of sight, out of mind. I can also tell you that per capita, more women refuse to pay than men. They think birthing the child ends their obligation. In my state, you can get nonpayers arrested, after going through a lengthy court process. You wouldn't believe how many of these people don't believe they can actually be arrested for nonpayment. I have explained to 100 of these idiots that their children need the support so they have food, housing, clothing, and other basic needs. They don't care. Also, a lot of the time, the more money a payer has, the less likely they are to pay. In my area the local doctors "Castillo" themselves by quitting fabulous-paying jobs so they can take another paying less than half of what they were making, so they "can't afford" to pay support. They named his horrible behavior after the first doctor who managed to get away with it.
My ex owes a good $30,000 in back child support. Once, after a court date, he made one payment and tried to tell me exactly what to spend it on. I think it was the last one he ever made.
Oh look, yet another woman who womensplains what men (all? not all? we don't know) are thinking.
Actually my ex took our son whom he at first did not want because he realized that he'd have control and get paid for it. He would dictate to me when, where, and how I would see our son. He would dictate to me what I was allowed to say to our son or whom I was allowed to have around our son. Then when he decided that it was sufficient he went all in with parental alienation tactics causing trauma to both our son and me to the point that I had to surrender my rights to avoid him causing even more traumatic experiences to my other children I have had since the ending of our relationship. Once the adoption of our son to be legally his current wife's child he intentionally chose to not notify the county nor state about the adoption to keep child support going. When I went to court I was the only person present who was owed repayment as I had never missed payments. Albeit my ex doesn't have to tell me how our son is he stopped after the payment stopped.
During the only child support hearing I was allowed to be present at he literally got upset that my husband's income didn't mean more money for him, and he was making more money than we were combined at the time.
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I think a lot of comments here are ignoring the fact that this article is referring specifically to men who REFUSE to pay child support. Not men who pay it and can't see their kids, not men who are willing to pay but can't for some reason. The ones who purposely do not pay anything to support their children. All the "what about men who" and "women do it too" is irrelevant. One evil doesn't cancel out or justify another.
I think the issue is the lack of child visitation rights is one of the key reasons why some men don't want to pay for child support, yet the author of the article seems to think that equates to "Men think that because they don't see their child, they don't need to invest in them" or that "Men just want control of their family, and when they can't control their family, they don't want to know". Anecdotal evidence, but I know someone who's a very loving and caring father, and expressed wanting to stop the support purely because he was never able to see his kids and it felt like the only option. Legally he was entitled to visitation rights, but the mother wouldn't allow it. No amount of lawyers or trying to reason with her would change this situation. He continued to pay the support because he truly wanted to care for his kids, but he literally had nothing else to try and bargain with to get the access he was legally entitled to.
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Ah, the trusty "P" word again. It's gotten to the point where "patriarchy" is used to fill in the blanks. If someone can't get to the heart of the issue or they deny accountability, it's time to get out the "P" word.
Brendan, you don't think that patriarchy has had any influence on mens' attitudes towards women and children?
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I don't think it's a matter of being a man. I've known many men and women both who pay child support to the ex. The one child support usually has no control on what the money is spent on or that the money given is spent directly on the child. Even though rent/mortgage, food, utilities, car payment/lease, etc, is always part of the child's care, the parent paying the child support feels that the other parent is also benefitting from those things. Plus the fact that they are having to give money to an ex is just a blow to anyone's ego. Why would I give money directly to an ex and let them decide what it gets spent on? Sometimes the other parent doesn't make much less than the parent paying child support, so they feel it's unfair. In cases where I've seen the parent paying child support actually gets to have a say in where that money is going (ie, the other parent may say I need to take the child shopping for clothes, can you help with that?)
Then the other parent has a much easier time handing over money to the other parent, especially when they can see that allotted cash is going to go directly to something only the child is going to benefit from. People don't always see that it doesn't matter if the child support check is actually get spent on items directly for the child or for items that the child's custodial parent and possibly their new spouse and any other children might also benefit from. It doesn't matter because the custodial parent will spend their own cash for the child's clothing. So why should it matter if it's coming from the child support check or money that the custodial
Load More Replies... This theory is stupid and the woman is just telling on herself for being trashy. Nobody wants you. And obviously the dad wants access to his own child, and that isn’t “power.” These women are deluding themselves so they can feel wanted. Using the kid as a bargaining chip.
If he's withholding child support in order to force the mother to give him access to the child...yes...that is absolutely "power" and control. But your comments saying the woman is "trashy" and saying women are "deluding themselves so they can feel wanted" shows your character and invalidates any opinion you have on the subject.
Load More Replies... The ones I know around my acquaintances are more like about not wanting to feed the ex, who then can go on vacations, not having to work and so on. Laws are stricter here though, you have to pay up to the point you are at the existancial minimum. Also you pay for child and exwife if you were married for longer than 5 years, and even more if the wife can’t possibly find decent work due to being a housewive for so long. Pension fund gets split too, and stuff like that. Depending how uneven your income was, you might pay quite alot.
Are y'all deliberately trying to appeal to Buzzfeed? 'Cause they've already got the bottom-end market nailed down. You might try to aim just slightly higher.
I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
Load More Replies... I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
Load More Replies... Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
Load More Replies... It honestly depends on what kind of people they are. In my case, my ex husband didn't want to pay me child support because he said he would not have "control over that money", and I could "spend it on me". Problem is, I am totally not that kind of person, never cared about money, brands, stuff and I was sad to realize how much he didn't even know me. I let that slide, never got any alimony and after 20 years taking care of child without any child support he STILL thinks I am the one who is "obsessed with money". I really don't care, I have a job and I can pay bills but it saddens me that society is teaching men (also many Hollywood series) that women just care about money and they will spend child support like on new car or something. Many men hate women based just on those stupid prejudices.
I would say today it is people dislike system abuse. I am a man, but the way people presume you would think I was the woman. I was the house-husband in our marriage, the wife was the career woman who brought home the money. One day she decided she was unhappy and left me and the kids. I would learn over the next 1000+ days of litigation that she had an affair, and they now live together. She never paid child support or spousal support. If my family had not stepped in to help the kids and I would have ended up homeless. I went back to school while being a single parent to 2 under 2-year-olds. Mom came back about a year later to file for 50/50. The court blindly granted it. In practice, the kids are with me up to 60% of the time. At times more. I pay all their bills with my new job. And the state requires me to pay "mom" child support. Is was sad, but that was what it was all about, mom wanted to make sure she would not pay any. I let it go when she abandoned us.
Load More Replies... I work in family law and yes, control is one of the predominate reasons men don't pay child support, but its not the only reason, and often there is a sort of evolution. Often early in the split they just want to punish their ex. They use child support and other means to financially manipulate and punish. Then they evolve to control - I will only pay if I get the visitation I want. I pay therefore I get to dictate how the money is spent, which school the kids go to, what activities they do and brand of clothes they wear (yes, these are things we encounter in family law). If control works, they stick with it. If it fails they often abandon/neglect the kids. They cant control them so they withhold love and affection and blame the mother for their lack of relationship with the kids. I've represented both fathers and mothers and this process, generally speaking, is quite common.
So you thing it is correct that the mother decides on these things alone, i.e., taking full control over the kid's life? Yes, divorces are all about control, and women are mostly on the winning side of this.
Load More Replies... I tried to get child support in the 90's but never got a penny. Fast forward to 2020. I find out that the man who's living with me skipped out on paying child support in the 90's. "because she was a b*tch and took his motorcycle" I was shocked, stunned, scared, enraged and speechless. I don't even see him as a man anymore, all I see is a self absorbed jerk. Because of covid were stuck living together. We broke up almost a year ago. I had him sign a month to month lease. He is never late paying me rent. He has the guest bedroom and abides by my rules. He has nowhere else to go and his credit is so bad he can't qualify for an apartment. Finding out that he skipped out on his responsibility of paying child support is a deal breaker for me. I lost all respect for him.
This. When I left my ex during my pregnancy he initially threatened allsorts then moved on very quickly, never to be heard from again. I didn't apply for child support until my son was 5 years old. He tried to fight it, then wanted contact. He met my son TWICE before making a pass at me (despite being married to the woman he met while I was pregnant) saying his marriage was a mistake blah blah...of course I turned him down. He dropped contact again and my son hasn't heard from him since. He and his wife now have a son together. He still does everything he can to avoid paying child support for mine.
I think the reasons for not paying child support vary across the spectrum. While this persons theory may be accurate for some, it certainly doesn't cover even the majority of cases. And I've seen villains on both sides. Sadly, in cases where the support is not paid or it isn't used as intended, it's the child that suffers. And when the parent is absent or only sporadically involved, they suffer even more. To me, having a child is a privilege and a joy. It's not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. But when two people make a decision that results in a child being born, they both incur a debt to that child to do their best for it, to love and care for it, and ultimately to raise it in the best way they can. If you aren't ready for that, then take the bloody precautions necessary to it doesn't happen. Too many see the child, not as a person, but a burden or means of gaining finance or a toy or something else. When that happens, you are handicapping that person. Not ok at all
No matter how much you hate your ex pay your child support. Man or woman it isn't about you. It's not about your ex. It is for your child that you bought into the world.
I wish it were. I really do. But honestly, Child Support probably hurts most kids. If you are a poor kid, the state takes child support to repay welfare. If you are a middle-class kid, the whole bounty on your head keeps you locked in the middle of litigation. Where you sleep, who you love, and what extracurriculars you do or do not; they all push who would pay who around. If you are a rich kid, you are payday for whatever adult owns you "correctly". Theory Vs practice. I love the theory of Child Support. Honestly, I would have come up with almost an identical to our state's formula on how to split the "cost of our kids". In practice, the law is: that income does not count or make up this income, those overnights on the paper matter more than who actually takes care of the kids, and technically those kid bills can be argued to be "at other parent's voluntary expense"
Load More Replies... I've also seen a mother get custody of her 3 children even though she was not at all capable of taking care of them or even being stable for them. Her ex husband was ordered to pay child support to her because she did not work. Everytime he gave her child support she would go straight to the liquor store and her drug dealer and would stay drunk and high as long as the money lasted. She never spent any of that money nor any money that she may have found a way to earn herself. Any money that ever crossed her hands went straight to drugs and liquor for herself and for her drugs and liquor only. The children ended up staying with her mother instead of herself, even though she wanted custody and did not want their father to even have visitation with them. Her having custody was all about her controlling him and hurting him. She would only pick the kids up from her mothers house when it was his visitation time. And if his time came and he'd not given her child support for that month yet, then she would hide with the kids somewhere, anywhere that he could not find them and would refuse to let him see the kids unless he gave her some money to get drunk and high. Even though he could afford to give her child support, he would not give it to her because that was his way of controlling her and not allowing her to get her drugs and liquor. It was more about controlling her than it was not giving her a way to be drunk and high in the presence of the kids. Admittedly, he had no business having custody of the children either. He was physically and mentally abusive to his children, especially his son. And her mother had no business having custody either, but she was the lesser of the 3 evils. The only reason she ended up asking for custody herself was for the child support checks she would recieve from both of their parents. The grandmother did ultimately end up getting custody of the children and did actually spend the majority of the child support to help support the children. So again, it's not a matter of only men not wanting to pay child support or not wanting to stay in their children's lives. Men and women are equally capable of being deadbeats when they feel they have little to no control anymore .
Good lord, makes me think people should need a license to have kids!
Load More Replies... Flame away, but I really and truly believe that straight men STILL see parenting as optional! Through much of the history of civilization it actually was optional, men in patriarchal societies had much more sexual freedom than women, and had zero legal responsibility for illegitimate children, they were perfectly free to abandon children they had with mistresses or prostitutes, or to actually hold children they fathered on slaves as chattel slaves. Now things are far better, most men have realized the value of fatherhood and are deeply involved with their children (ALL their children), but there are still those that think they get to just leave if things go sour.
This is the main issue. The kind of men who is against child support sees children as a "womans problem". They never lifted a finger for the kids qhen they were with the mother and see them as her problem to deal with. Most of these men dont even file for custody and the few that do is for punishing the mother. My mums best friend worked in the custody court. She would ask both parents questions like whats the name of their teacher, their shoe size or their besr friend. Most of the time only the mother could answer those basic questions. And they wondered why most of the time women got the custody.
Load More Replies... This is a really hot issue and I think this view is too generalized. I've met men who are happy to pay their child support, men who fight to get it reduced as much as possible, and men who do everything they can to avoid paying it. I've also met very few men who, in my opinion, are paying the proper amount (be it too high or too low). The ironic thing is the guys with the lower payments are always the ones I see complaining the most. My wifes ex is ordered to pay $60 per kid per month and he almost never pays. My best friend is ordered to pay 40% of his gross and while he doesn't like it (makes it hard to cover his own ends) he doesn't begrudge where the money is going.
Honestly, this is more nuanced. I pay child support. Here is why. After 1200+ days of the insanity that is litigation, on the day of our trial, mom was finally ready to actually have a mediation. Our kids got to go to school, holidays, and a few other basic human rights back that you just do not have when you are a piece of property to be equitably divided in the family court. Then we got to child support. If we use fake 50/50 numbers that only exist on paper, and ignore that I pay all their bills. Then I owe mom. If we use reality, mom owes me. In all fighting over which way $750 will fall or be divided. If I do not put my foot down I am stuck for a year, if not more, while I beg the court to follow the law in a modification. May never happen. If I do put my foot down my kids lose all the above. In short, I bought my kids' rights under the law because they have none in the family court.
Load More Replies... Think the main problem is trust: divorce often comes with the destruction of trust between both partners. Now one is paying support, and has to trust the other that money is going to raising and supporting the children. Very soon, the sentiment will be "why should I pay half my income, when they are just spending it on ...". If there were accountability, then paying wouldn't be such a problem.
I've heard this from a close friend of mine that got divorced and now has to pay child support. He said he despises paying the amount he does NOT because he doesn't want to financially support his kid - he's quite happy to do that and WANTS to do it. But he knows for a fact that a good chunk of the money he pays is NOT going to what the child needs or wants but to what his ex wants to buy for herself. He gave an example too; "The day I found out my kid was wearing the same school uniform he wore the previous year, despite having gone through a bit of a growth spurt and also seeing my ex sporting a brand new expensive brand-name bag was the day I lost faith in the system". He said if there was some kind of way to guarantee the money would be spent on the kids and stopped exes pocketing it for their own personal gain he'd be all for it.
Load More Replies... It was true of my sister's ex. He just wanted to control her and punish her. In just the most ridiculous manner. He has part custody, but really he just babysits. Doesn't help with homework, school drop off or pickup, knows nothing about his asthmatic sons health, including who the doctors are. Just does nothing.
Honestly, so many people are paying child support for a myriad of reasons, almost all of the commenters are correct. Deadbeat dads, deadbeat moms. People who only want to see their kid to hurt their ex or because they feel like a bad parent, because they are, for being absent. So many people don't seem to think just because you pay X amount (usually pretty small in the grand scheme of things) and your ex isn't buying ABC for your kid that they are taking it. Rent, groceries, utilities easily eat up any child support. Unless you have a super high income, your ex isn't taking vacations or buying a car with that money...
Of course, great parents are also paying child support. They usually don't complain about it
Load More Replies... This is bullshit! I know a large number of people both men and women who receive child support from the non custodial parent and don't use a single penny of it on the kids or the kids needs. They use it to enhance their lifestyle with trips, personal care etc. This is what pisses of the parent who is paying. The money is for the kid! It is supposed to be considered as their portion of rent bills etc and to help with daily expenses. Not to pay for extras for the parent who then claims to not have any money to do things like buy school supplies or winter coats
Geez, this is the 21st century. Hasn't anyone heard of birth control? On either side?
I worked for lawyers for 22 years, and domestic and family law I absolutely hate. Give me criminal law any day, at least you know what they are right off the bat. But I'll tell you what, I have seen just as many scandalous women who have actually lost custody of their own children trying to punish the man that left them.
My Ex thought CS was something he would pay after he had paid his bills , bought food petrol and anything else, if he had anything left at the end of the month then he would pay CS. He was/is a Narcissist. Total control.
They can ask the court for an accounting of how the money is spent. That and whatever visitation is the best they will get. Sometimes. My dad apparently paid child support, but never got to see us ever again, and we were still unfed and dressed cheaply due to mom's greed.
My fiancé has 50/50 custody with his ex - they BOTH make over $100,000 and she requested child support for their 2 kids and he has to pay her $1,000 A MONTH! How is that logical?! 50/50 and they both make an inordinate amount of money. Our daughter doesn't even count that he has to support her as well. There should also be a record or proof necessary of what it is being spent on, they are wearing clothes too small and she has a brand new wardrobe. The system is so broken.
So apparently BP doesn't just censor but also removes entire comments if they don't agree with them. Way to show your true colors.
Depends on the situation I guess. My lady has two kids and it would be cheaper for me ( by hundreds of dollars per month) to pay what their dad does in child support than to do all that I do. To top that off he makes almost $40 per hour, I make well under $20. Anytime I point this out I get yelled at and told that I shouldn't have chose a woman with kids and they just completely miss the point.
My ex worked full time and refused to pay child support. No matter how many times we went to court. He used to tell bitterly the court " Why should I pay her" He then wondered why his child grew up with a mother who lived pay cheque to pay cheque and could not afford any extras like swimming lessons or new clothes. He then wondered why his child when they became a teenager stopped wanting to visit him. He blamed it all on me. Said I convinced my child to hate their father. I actually encouraged a relationship. A scheduled visitation that my ex rarely showed up for. It was very important to me for our child to have a relationship with their Dad. I lost track of the number of times we waited for him to show up and he never did. Once calling our child and asking if he could pick them up to go to a fair. We turned the car around and went home to wait. AND wait and wait. He never showed. I took them to the fair. My child was sad for weeks after. They wanted their dad. To this day my ex still bad mouths me. Calls me uneducated due to my low wage job and will do and say anything to make me look like a witch in front of out child. His favourite is called me money hungry. We divorced when our child was 2 years old. Our child is now 36 years old. The nasty never stopped.
Lol I've always been thinking that my ex husband doesn't pay child support because he's a shitty person
That's also possible, this theory here is not the only possibility why someone doesn't want to pay.
Load More Replies... I've been a family law paralegal for 35 years. Many people don't pay because of out of sight, out of mind. I can also tell you that per capita, more women refuse to pay than men. They think birthing the child ends their obligation. In my state, you can get nonpayers arrested, after going through a lengthy court process. You wouldn't believe how many of these people don't believe they can actually be arrested for nonpayment. I have explained to 100 of these idiots that their children need the support so they have food, housing, clothing, and other basic needs. They don't care. Also, a lot of the time, the more money a payer has, the less likely they are to pay. In my area the local doctors "Castillo" themselves by quitting fabulous-paying jobs so they can take another paying less than half of what they were making, so they "can't afford" to pay support. They named his horrible behavior after the first doctor who managed to get away with it.
My ex owes a good $30,000 in back child support. Once, after a court date, he made one payment and tried to tell me exactly what to spend it on. I think it was the last one he ever made.
Oh look, yet another woman who womensplains what men (all? not all? we don't know) are thinking.
Actually my ex took our son whom he at first did not want because he realized that he'd have control and get paid for it. He would dictate to me when, where, and how I would see our son. He would dictate to me what I was allowed to say to our son or whom I was allowed to have around our son. Then when he decided that it was sufficient he went all in with parental alienation tactics causing trauma to both our son and me to the point that I had to surrender my rights to avoid him causing even more traumatic experiences to my other children I have had since the ending of our relationship. Once the adoption of our son to be legally his current wife's child he intentionally chose to not notify the county nor state about the adoption to keep child support going. When I went to court I was the only person present who was owed repayment as I had never missed payments. Albeit my ex doesn't have to tell me how our son is he stopped after the payment stopped.
During the only child support hearing I was allowed to be present at he literally got upset that my husband's income didn't mean more money for him, and he was making more money than we were combined at the time.
Load More Replies... I think a lot of comments here are ignoring the fact that this article is referring specifically to men who REFUSE to pay child support. Not men who pay it and can't see their kids, not men who are willing to pay but can't for some reason. The ones who purposely do not pay anything to support their children. All the "what about men who" and "women do it too" is irrelevant. One evil doesn't cancel out or justify another.
I think the issue is the lack of child visitation rights is one of the key reasons why some men don't want to pay for child support, yet the author of the article seems to think that equates to "Men think that because they don't see their child, they don't need to invest in them" or that "Men just want control of their family, and when they can't control their family, they don't want to know". Anecdotal evidence, but I know someone who's a very loving and caring father, and expressed wanting to stop the support purely because he was never able to see his kids and it felt like the only option. Legally he was entitled to visitation rights, but the mother wouldn't allow it. No amount of lawyers or trying to reason with her would change this situation. He continued to pay the support because he truly wanted to care for his kids, but he literally had nothing else to try and bargain with to get the access he was legally entitled to.
Load More Replies... Ah, the trusty "P" word again. It's gotten to the point where "patriarchy" is used to fill in the blanks. If someone can't get to the heart of the issue or they deny accountability, it's time to get out the "P" word.
Brendan, you don't think that patriarchy has had any influence on mens' attitudes towards women and children?
Load More Replies... I don't think it's a matter of being a man. I've known many men and women both who pay child support to the ex. The one child support usually has no control on what the money is spent on or that the money given is spent directly on the child. Even though rent/mortgage, food, utilities, car payment/lease, etc, is always part of the child's care, the parent paying the child support feels that the other parent is also benefitting from those things. Plus the fact that they are having to give money to an ex is just a blow to anyone's ego. Why would I give money directly to an ex and let them decide what it gets spent on? Sometimes the other parent doesn't make much less than the parent paying child support, so they feel it's unfair. In cases where I've seen the parent paying child support actually gets to have a say in where that money is going (ie, the other parent may say I need to take the child shopping for clothes, can you help with that?)
Then the other parent has a much easier time handing over money to the other parent, especially when they can see that allotted cash is going to go directly to something only the child is going to benefit from. People don't always see that it doesn't matter if the child support check is actually get spent on items directly for the child or for items that the child's custodial parent and possibly their new spouse and any other children might also benefit from. It doesn't matter because the custodial parent will spend their own cash for the child's clothing. So why should it matter if it's coming from the child support check or money that the custodial
Load More Replies... This theory is stupid and the woman is just telling on herself for being trashy. Nobody wants you. And obviously the dad wants access to his own child, and that isn’t “power.” These women are deluding themselves so they can feel wanted. Using the kid as a bargaining chip.
If he's withholding child support in order to force the mother to give him access to the child...yes...that is absolutely "power" and control. But your comments saying the woman is "trashy" and saying women are "deluding themselves so they can feel wanted" shows your character and invalidates any opinion you have on the subject.
Load More Replies... The ones I know around my acquaintances are more like about not wanting to feed the ex, who then can go on vacations, not having to work and so on. Laws are stricter here though, you have to pay up to the point you are at the existancial minimum. Also you pay for child and exwife if you were married for longer than 5 years, and even more if the wife can’t possibly find decent work due to being a housewive for so long. Pension fund gets split too, and stuff like that. Depending how uneven your income was, you might pay quite alot.
Are y'all deliberately trying to appeal to Buzzfeed? 'Cause they've already got the bottom-end market nailed down. You might try to aim just slightly higher.
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