Sole-Earner Husband Slammed By Unemployed Wife For Getting The Expensive Coffee, He Snaps
Coffee has the potential to make us do things we might not necessarily be proud of.
Sure, there’s the caffeine rush that we need to contend with. But also, it might mix with everything else we’re going through. Like exhaustion and stress.
Or more precisely, like exhaustion from being the sole provider in the household with your better half struggling mentally on top of being unemployed.
This next story may or may not have happened under the influence of caffeine, but it definitely happened because of coffee.
More Info: Reddit
Coffee has the potential to make us do things we might not necessarily be proud of. Family feuds are no exception
Image credits: Scouse Smurf (not the actual image)
A husband recently turned to Reddit’s AITA community for some perspective on an issue he’s been having. Lately, he switched coffee brands to a fancier blend. In his words, he moved from a $15 bag that lasted him about 5 weeks to a $12 one that lasts him anywhere between a bit over a week to two weeks. If you calculate how much it would actually cost across 5 weeks, it would be roughly $40—a difference of $25.
Why is this a problem? You see, OP’s wife is currently unemployed, has some medical problems, and is suffering from depression on top of it all. In turn, this has led to her doing less work around the house. The household problem has been going on for 6 months at this point, and 12 for the job.
This husband snapped at his wife for criticizing his shift to a more expensive coffee blend, despite being the sole provider
Image Credits: u/aitacoffepurchase
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual image)
OP does pick up the slack, but there is only so much that a sole provider can do before exhaustion kicks in, and then everything else that it entails will start coming out of the woodwork. OP did note that she is working hard on the issue, they’ve had the talk, but he still ends up having to ask.
Anywho, the point of conflict happened when she kept bugging him about the price of the coffee. Initially, he had shown that his coffee splurge is well within the grocery budget, and it’s rare for them to exceed it, so it’s not like OP is reckless about it.
Image Credits: u/aitacoffepurchase
Image credits: zenjazzgeek (not the actual image)
It wasn’t enough of a justification, or so it seems, as he bought another bag, and it was a problem. She confronted him by saying that he’s spending way too much on that fancy coffee of his, suggesting they switch back to the old stuff.
Given the context—him working, paying for groceries, having to pick up the slack—he snapped. Hard.
“The one with the job gets to make the grocery choices. Work again or contribute to the household and you can have a say in what we buy,” said OP. Needless to say, the wife did not take kindly to that, called him a cold-hearted a-hole, and stormed out.
OP did not try to come off as grumpy, and he did explain himself more in the comments, where folks declared him NTA
OP continued in the comments as well, responding to some of the commenters who were of the opinion that he isn’t the jerk in this situation. Among the things he said, he explained how he truly loves her, wants her to get better, and doesn’t mean to come off as a grumpy old man in the post.
People understood OP’s efforts, and he is trying his best, so the criticism is not justified on any level. Others pointed out that her response and criticism seems to come from her depression, her feeling bad about herself and her situation. Regardless, it’s not OP’s fault here.
The post received quite a bit of attention on the r/AITA subreddit. As of this moment, the article has over 11,500 upvotes, and a Reddit award. It also generated some engagement in the community in the form of 1,800 comments
You can read the post in context here. Otherwise, you can also comment your thoughts on this whole situation, or if you can’t be bothered, tell us what you’d do for a good blend of coffee in the comment section below!
NTA. As someone who deals with depression on and off. Yea, it sucks, but for OP... they're going to end up driving themselves into some kind of breakdown when they've got to constantly be responsible for someone else, especially when this person is bitching at them for spending the money THEY earned on coffee for themselves. I mean, c'mon. I feel for the girl having depression, but I feel like OP needs a break, and the gf needs more help. Perhaps a stay in respite, etc. Or if, worst case scenario, she refuses or just can't get better... a breakup. OP has to put themselves first at some point. It sounds heartless and selfish, but it isn't. Self care is important because it means that hopefully, less people will be depressed, meaning less stress on the system, so that people can get help easier.
I completely agree with you. I have depression as well and I don't beat up the people I love about what they buy with their own money. If she is struggling this much, when he makes a therapy appointment, she needs to keep it and get help.
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You can be mentally ill and a d**k. I'm morbidly depressed, and also very lazy.
I've got pretty bad ADHD and I overwork myself to compensate. I snap at people easily. And I acknowledge that: my ADHD isn't an excuse for any shitty behavior I exhibit.
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Every paycheck that comes in to our household has my name on it but my wife has just as much right to it as I do. When we married we became a team with equal rights.
I'm going with NTA but just mostly. While I don't condone being snippy with people (especially depressed and people with conditions), but should you push my buttons one-time-too-many, be prepared for clapback. There's only so much nice in one's system until they get prodded at the wrong time. And this here is just coffee, which OP bought with his own money...
Nobody sucks here, but it all sucks. He didn't ask to basically be a single caretaker and breadwinner. She didn't ask for a mental illness. He just wants his one little luxury in life. Her mental illness is is probably catastrophizing their financial situation or making her want everyone to feel as crappy as she does, or thinks she needs yelled at and goads him into snapping at her. It all sucks and nobody wins.
I listened to one DarkFluff video of R/pettyrevenge where an employee was told to buy the expensive coffee for the team (as they take turns buying and everyone liked the expensive stuff whereas the poster didn't care either way). He ended up taking cheap coffee and pouring it in an expensive coffee container. Could always do the opposite. I realize it's not dealing with the direct issue which is your wife's mental issue (and I realize further it's highly unlikely the original OP will read this) but it'd at least calm your wife down enough that you can work with her to help with the issues.
Maybe a bit off topic but was in a similar situation, and after a year of working two jobs and taking care of a disabled spouse, waking up at 5am and getting to bed around 1am seven days a week literally for a solid year, when we went to one of his many doctor appointments, the doctor ran through his assessment, then turned and asked me, and how are you feeling? Such a simple thing, but like a wave of renewal. It was the first time anyone even acknowledged that, while my situation was not as serious as his, I was still human, still burnt out, still exhausted and overwhelmed. Caretaking is tough, no matter how much you love someone. We are all only human.
It sounds to me like she could do with an intensive treatment plan, possibly in-patient, then at least weekly therapy. Once you've got yourself into the rut she has it's almost impossible to get yourself out of it again without help or a big change in circumstances. The only thing that kick started me was moving to a more suitable property for my needs which gave me the boost I needed to start living again rather than just existing. Medication can only do so much when your depression is at the severe end of the scale.
As someone who's bipolar, my mental illness is an explanation for my behavior, not an excuse for it. I've been lucky to have people in my life who are understanding. My closest friends still occasionally give me s**t for some of things I've done, which I actually appreciate.
NTA. Being depressed and female is not a reason to treat a partner like dirt. You have your own life, you are not her psychiatrist. It may be time to consider your life choices; it sounds like you are better off alone as she is bringing nothing to the relationship by the sounds of it.
Classic ADHD symptoms driving her depression; I know this as the same story with my wife. Addressing the ADHD made worlds of difference with both depression and function. Understanding this, has helped me cope with my wife's limits and for us to enjoy each other more.
NTA. Behavior like hers and worse, along with bipolar disorder is why my first wife is an ex-wife. Some people do not want to work on their issues and will even do things to make them worse. When it reached the point where I needed anxiety medication for panic attacks because she wouldn't change, it was time to go. I actually didn't realize just how bad it was affecting me until it was over. No more anxiety, no more panic attacks, no more insomnia. I tolerated it for 13 years until one last straw made me finally realize nothing would ever change.
I have Bipolar 2 and my depression can go pretty damned low (like right now). Skipping therapist appointments is not a good sign. You have so much to deal with and something nice for you is a small help for yourself. NTA. Sometimes those of us who ill need a kick in the a$$ to see reality. We need to get dragged kicking & screaming. Dinner dishes? “Common, I need help with the dinner dishes. Please get up & we’ll do them together.”. “Yes. It costs more, but it’s not breaking the budget. This is great coffee. Here’s a cup. You’ll find how good it tastes.”. Time is difficult but, she has a therapist appointment, “common I’ll drive you there.” This actually helps her to not get away with stuff. Therapists can do their best, but they can only do so much. If she’s not on meds, sounds like it’s time. If she is they aren’t working. At this point I realized (luckily) the only way I was going to get better was a hospital stay with intensive treatment. It’s scary at first. But it got me going.
You guys have a budget? Maybe at some point my life will be adult enough to include such a responsible thing
NTA. On one hand, this wasn't about the coffee at all, and on the other hand it totally was. OP is financially supporting himself & his wife, has done for 6 years, on top of which he's been the sole person looking after the house for the past 6 months. Whilst not taking anything away from her health situation, this must be affecting his health with stress etc. OP's changed his coffee to something more expensive and this is a treat for himself, he needs to be able to treat himself, and they can afford him to, but she wants him to stop getting this. However, it is not clear if his wife drinks coffee too, she might prefer the previous one and doesn't feel able to voice this - it needs a conversation about whether they should buy both, one each. It might be that this is the only way she feels she can voice concerns about money, and she might feel a burden. Whilst it might be difficult, they need to discuss this; if things continue as they are it could break their relationship or break OP.
NTA... I've had this exact same fight with my other half over the eggs I buy... I always buy the super expensive eggs from the super nice farms... It's got to a point I won't even take them out the shopping budget now, I buy them with my own spare cash. It's a hill im willing to die on.
I buy the coffee I like. My husband barely drinks the coffee I have at home. He gets gas station coffee every day. Prob a buck. Mine works out to .15¢ about for a cup. It's not a name brand but it makes me happy for my k cup fix an it's easier than Instant. If he has a cup I don't care. But I pay for it so I drink what I want. It's like if she wanted sprite and he got 7up. But he works. He can buy the 7up. If she's drinking his coffee he could also get what she likes too. Maybe it's the hassle of prep for a cup she doesn't like over the brand. Therapy sounds good for her. I have depression too. And sometimes I don't want to be out of bed and just make myself go the extra step to wash up. To go to work and to just move around. Evening walks sound like just the thing too to being her back to the world.
please re read the post. I agree with you that it's both of their money, but the more expensive coffee wasn't hurting their budget, they were still under budget.
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Depression is an illness. Often there is no trigger you can point to to say that started my depression. Getting treatment is important, both talk therapy with a psychologist and meds with a psychiatrist, to help cope. Sounds like the OP could use some therapy as well for better strategies to cope with his wife's illness and how to help, not enable her.
Load More Replies... Dxisy, I'm not understanding where you are coming from. He was a bit of TA for what he said when he lost it, but he apologized for it as well. Anyone can develop depression no matter how healthy the relationship and no matter how good things are going. He stated they are staying under the food budget, even with the speedy coffee, and she knows that. And she never said anything about splitting up over the coffee, neither did he. He knows she's in a bad place and tries to be understanding, but he's only human and so gets frustrated sometimes that he feels like he is doing everything. It's a bad situation and they both need help. Her for depression and him for being overwhelmed in his triple role of care giver/home maker/bread winner. If they both get help they will come out of this stronger and hopefully be aware of the signs of depression so if it occurs again (and it likely will) they can get help before she's unable to function.
Load More Replies... NTA. As someone who deals with depression on and off. Yea, it sucks, but for OP... they're going to end up driving themselves into some kind of breakdown when they've got to constantly be responsible for someone else, especially when this person is bitching at them for spending the money THEY earned on coffee for themselves. I mean, c'mon. I feel for the girl having depression, but I feel like OP needs a break, and the gf needs more help. Perhaps a stay in respite, etc. Or if, worst case scenario, she refuses or just can't get better... a breakup. OP has to put themselves first at some point. It sounds heartless and selfish, but it isn't. Self care is important because it means that hopefully, less people will be depressed, meaning less stress on the system, so that people can get help easier.
I completely agree with you. I have depression as well and I don't beat up the people I love about what they buy with their own money. If she is struggling this much, when he makes a therapy appointment, she needs to keep it and get help.
Load More Replies... You can be mentally ill and a d**k. I'm morbidly depressed, and also very lazy.
I've got pretty bad ADHD and I overwork myself to compensate. I snap at people easily. And I acknowledge that: my ADHD isn't an excuse for any shitty behavior I exhibit.
Load More Replies... Every paycheck that comes in to our household has my name on it but my wife has just as much right to it as I do. When we married we became a team with equal rights.
I'm going with NTA but just mostly. While I don't condone being snippy with people (especially depressed and people with conditions), but should you push my buttons one-time-too-many, be prepared for clapback. There's only so much nice in one's system until they get prodded at the wrong time. And this here is just coffee, which OP bought with his own money...
Nobody sucks here, but it all sucks. He didn't ask to basically be a single caretaker and breadwinner. She didn't ask for a mental illness. He just wants his one little luxury in life. Her mental illness is is probably catastrophizing their financial situation or making her want everyone to feel as crappy as she does, or thinks she needs yelled at and goads him into snapping at her. It all sucks and nobody wins.
I listened to one DarkFluff video of R/pettyrevenge where an employee was told to buy the expensive coffee for the team (as they take turns buying and everyone liked the expensive stuff whereas the poster didn't care either way). He ended up taking cheap coffee and pouring it in an expensive coffee container. Could always do the opposite. I realize it's not dealing with the direct issue which is your wife's mental issue (and I realize further it's highly unlikely the original OP will read this) but it'd at least calm your wife down enough that you can work with her to help with the issues.
Maybe a bit off topic but was in a similar situation, and after a year of working two jobs and taking care of a disabled spouse, waking up at 5am and getting to bed around 1am seven days a week literally for a solid year, when we went to one of his many doctor appointments, the doctor ran through his assessment, then turned and asked me, and how are you feeling? Such a simple thing, but like a wave of renewal. It was the first time anyone even acknowledged that, while my situation was not as serious as his, I was still human, still burnt out, still exhausted and overwhelmed. Caretaking is tough, no matter how much you love someone. We are all only human.
It sounds to me like she could do with an intensive treatment plan, possibly in-patient, then at least weekly therapy. Once you've got yourself into the rut she has it's almost impossible to get yourself out of it again without help or a big change in circumstances. The only thing that kick started me was moving to a more suitable property for my needs which gave me the boost I needed to start living again rather than just existing. Medication can only do so much when your depression is at the severe end of the scale.
As someone who's bipolar, my mental illness is an explanation for my behavior, not an excuse for it. I've been lucky to have people in my life who are understanding. My closest friends still occasionally give me s**t for some of things I've done, which I actually appreciate.
NTA. Being depressed and female is not a reason to treat a partner like dirt. You have your own life, you are not her psychiatrist. It may be time to consider your life choices; it sounds like you are better off alone as she is bringing nothing to the relationship by the sounds of it.
Classic ADHD symptoms driving her depression; I know this as the same story with my wife. Addressing the ADHD made worlds of difference with both depression and function. Understanding this, has helped me cope with my wife's limits and for us to enjoy each other more.
NTA. Behavior like hers and worse, along with bipolar disorder is why my first wife is an ex-wife. Some people do not want to work on their issues and will even do things to make them worse. When it reached the point where I needed anxiety medication for panic attacks because she wouldn't change, it was time to go. I actually didn't realize just how bad it was affecting me until it was over. No more anxiety, no more panic attacks, no more insomnia. I tolerated it for 13 years until one last straw made me finally realize nothing would ever change.
I have Bipolar 2 and my depression can go pretty damned low (like right now). Skipping therapist appointments is not a good sign. You have so much to deal with and something nice for you is a small help for yourself. NTA. Sometimes those of us who ill need a kick in the a$$ to see reality. We need to get dragged kicking & screaming. Dinner dishes? “Common, I need help with the dinner dishes. Please get up & we’ll do them together.”. “Yes. It costs more, but it’s not breaking the budget. This is great coffee. Here’s a cup. You’ll find how good it tastes.”. Time is difficult but, she has a therapist appointment, “common I’ll drive you there.” This actually helps her to not get away with stuff. Therapists can do their best, but they can only do so much. If she’s not on meds, sounds like it’s time. If she is they aren’t working. At this point I realized (luckily) the only way I was going to get better was a hospital stay with intensive treatment. It’s scary at first. But it got me going.
You guys have a budget? Maybe at some point my life will be adult enough to include such a responsible thing
NTA. On one hand, this wasn't about the coffee at all, and on the other hand it totally was. OP is financially supporting himself & his wife, has done for 6 years, on top of which he's been the sole person looking after the house for the past 6 months. Whilst not taking anything away from her health situation, this must be affecting his health with stress etc. OP's changed his coffee to something more expensive and this is a treat for himself, he needs to be able to treat himself, and they can afford him to, but she wants him to stop getting this. However, it is not clear if his wife drinks coffee too, she might prefer the previous one and doesn't feel able to voice this - it needs a conversation about whether they should buy both, one each. It might be that this is the only way she feels she can voice concerns about money, and she might feel a burden. Whilst it might be difficult, they need to discuss this; if things continue as they are it could break their relationship or break OP.
NTA... I've had this exact same fight with my other half over the eggs I buy... I always buy the super expensive eggs from the super nice farms... It's got to a point I won't even take them out the shopping budget now, I buy them with my own spare cash. It's a hill im willing to die on.
I buy the coffee I like. My husband barely drinks the coffee I have at home. He gets gas station coffee every day. Prob a buck. Mine works out to .15¢ about for a cup. It's not a name brand but it makes me happy for my k cup fix an it's easier than Instant. If he has a cup I don't care. But I pay for it so I drink what I want. It's like if she wanted sprite and he got 7up. But he works. He can buy the 7up. If she's drinking his coffee he could also get what she likes too. Maybe it's the hassle of prep for a cup she doesn't like over the brand. Therapy sounds good for her. I have depression too. And sometimes I don't want to be out of bed and just make myself go the extra step to wash up. To go to work and to just move around. Evening walks sound like just the thing too to being her back to the world.
please re read the post. I agree with you that it's both of their money, but the more expensive coffee wasn't hurting their budget, they were still under budget.
Load More Replies... Depression is an illness. Often there is no trigger you can point to to say that started my depression. Getting treatment is important, both talk therapy with a psychologist and meds with a psychiatrist, to help cope. Sounds like the OP could use some therapy as well for better strategies to cope with his wife's illness and how to help, not enable her.
Load More Replies... Dxisy, I'm not understanding where you are coming from. He was a bit of TA for what he said when he lost it, but he apologized for it as well. Anyone can develop depression no matter how healthy the relationship and no matter how good things are going. He stated they are staying under the food budget, even with the speedy coffee, and she knows that. And she never said anything about splitting up over the coffee, neither did he. He knows she's in a bad place and tries to be understanding, but he's only human and so gets frustrated sometimes that he feels like he is doing everything. It's a bad situation and they both need help. Her for depression and him for being overwhelmed in his triple role of care giver/home maker/bread winner. If they both get help they will come out of this stronger and hopefully be aware of the signs of depression so if it occurs again (and it likely will) they can get help before she's unable to function.
Load More Replies...
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