“AITA For Telling My Brother’s Fiancée That The Reason She Couldn’t Get A Degree Was Because Of Her Choice To Be A Mom?”
Probably one of the best ways to be labeled a toxic person these days is to hand out your own value judgments in situations where they are definitely not needed. Such words are not good in themselves, and even more so when they are not expected from you.
What could be worse? Perhaps, only to express value judgments on the basis of a superficial acquaintance with a person, having met them for the first time and forming an opinion about them on the basis of, well, “collective images”. It’s interesting that when such words are taken as offensive, the people who expressed them are sometimes sincerely perplexed as to what actually happened, as they allegedly did not want to offend anyone.
A similar story happened to this woman who, unwittingly, offended her brother’s fiancee literally during their first detailed meeting. The original post, published on the AITA Reddit community, garnered around 13.3K upvotes and over 4.6K comments, mostly condemning its author. Let’s take a closer look.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster has a brother who is engaged with a woman who already has a child
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual image )
So, the Original Poster has an older brother, “Adam”, who started dating “Michelle”, a woman two years older than him, who already has a child, about a year ago. Adam and Michelle recently announced their engagement, according to the OP’s own words.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
When her brother brought his fiancée and her son to a family dinner, the woman told them that she doesn’t have a college degree, though she wants to get further education
The OP says that she and Michelle have met literally a few times, but recently Adam invited the fiancée and her son to a family dinner. During the conversation at the table, the subject somehow turned to education, and Michelle admitted that she did not have a college degree, although she would very much like to continue her education.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
However, according to Michelle, this was difficult to do due to a lack of resources and opportunities. For some reason, these words from her future sister-in-law seemed to the OP to be a usual cliché, and she said that Michelle, obviously, just did not try very hard to get further education after high school.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
The OP told her that, in her own opinion, her future SIL didn’t have a college degree because she become a mom pretty early
The OP admits that after saying that, Michelle stared at her as if she’d just been told something really offensive. Asked for clarification on what she meant, the OP stated that there are a lot of college opportunities out there these days and one just needs to know how to use them.
Image credits: COD Newsroom (not the actual image )
However, the OP continued that it was probably difficult for Michelle to allocate time and resources to her education because she became a mother rather early. This time the future SIL did not hide her upset, and the OP was already unstoppable. When Michelle asked why she felt that motherhood had ruined her opportunities, the OP suggested that the woman just look at herself from the outside.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
The fiancée said that she’s happy to have a child now, but the OP didn’t believe her
According to the OP, if Michelle compared herself in her current position with herself if she had not become a mother and had more opportunities to develop further, then she would definitely understand what mistake she made earlier. Michelle almost tearfully said that she was happy to have a kid, and that she felt hurt by the OP’s words.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
At that moment, Adam returned. Seeing his fiancée in tears, he wanted to know what had happened. When Michelle told him everything, the man left the house without further words, taking Michelle and her son with him.
Image credits: u/Throwra53524434
Offended, the OP’s brother left the house with his family and later criticized his sister heavily
Later, according to the OP, her brother criticized her heavily, stating that it was none of her business how Michelle lives and what choices she makes. The sister tried to justify herself, saying that she was just expressing her point of view. However, her mother also took her son’s side and demanded that the OP apologize to Michelle. In turn, the OP categorically refused to understand what exactly she was wrong about.
Image credits: Gareth Williams ( not the actual image )
Most people in the comments slammed the OP for being so offensive as well
But the commenters mostly subjected the OP to serious criticism, totally agreeing with her relatives. According to people in the comments, the OP doesn’t know at all under what circumstances Michelle fell pregnant, so it’s not for her to judge. And in general, a woman should be more supportive instead of being so judgey.
According to other commenters, the OP is acting like she lived a very sheltered life. She just doesn’t have to judge other people on the basis that everything just happened to work out for her so far. According to some people, the OP should learn how to keep her rude and classist opinions to herself.
We’re pretty sure you already have your own opinion on this story, so feel free to write it in the comments. And we would also like to know what do you think about balancing motherhood and education in the contemporary world. Comments, as always, are highly welcome.
Yeah, the "Latin origins" line says a lot. I think she didn't like the future SIL and was looking for reasons to back that up. And it sounds more like an inquisition than just a friendly getting to know her dinner. Asking all about her personal life? Did you all let her ask about yours?
Yeah that latin comment seriously confused me. It wasnt until I read the reactions that i understood she was talking about the girls race! It was just so irrelevant and so out-of-nowhere, that I thought she was talking about something else. VERY telling she would feel the need to bring it up right off the bat...esp when the story has zero to do with her being Latina!
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Racist and entitled/clueless. Good to know how easy and cheap it is to go to college. Assuming this is U.S. And frankly, working in a Salon is a pretty smart career, people will always need haircuts and we are more vanity driven than ever
Plus it's not and item you can import, or labor that can be outsourced overseas.
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Gee...my cousin was a single teen mom and has a son with cerebral palsy. The "father" was never in the picture, and she never went to college. She somehow managed to grow up to be the Vice President of finance for one of the biggest movie studios in the world. What a LOSER!!! LOL
She better shut her mouth before someone breaks her teeth. Rude judgmental people are going to get judged back. And they may not like how some people react to their rudeness.
You literally just met this woman, who was not only a guest in your home, but also a future family member, and you sat on your high horse and passed judgment on her in front of her entire future family. YTA and you bloody well know it.
The fact that the future SIL has a child have nothing to do with going to school. I left college two months shy of my degree, then married. My 2nd husband urge me to go because I really wanted to. Finished that one and started U and brought my newborn with me, while the two other ones were in the care of my husband. I think, too, that the "latin origin" has a lot to do with the whole thing. She's happy with being a hairdresser. Let her be. Her future husband is happy too. This is none of your business. YTFA.
Big Fat AH. Rude, and inconsiderate. Unless she went through the same experiences she has no idea what that women's choices could have been, and are none of her business.
I'm a current college student. 1. Resources are honestly complete bull c**p. 2. Scholarships are earned and frankly very competitive and hard to come across. 3. Financial aid, at least in the United States, is given based on overall family income and a variety of other circumstances-and has to get paid off in the long run. Student loans are a pain. Also, "Latin origins" is just..ugh.
YTA. I was a single mom almost 30 years ago. No child support. I went to school, sacrificed a lot. Those programs and opportunities out there? None. I am still paying off student loans.
Thinking it made you the TA. Saying it just made you a b***h. I had three children when I went to college. It didn't ruin my life and neither did the years I had to work as a bartender to support myself. All those hard ships made me better/stronger. Get over yourself, oh and if this is true, you're also a racist.
If I was the future SIL, I'd find someone else. As a latino who is married to somebody with a racist family, it's really not any fun. Ironically, my wife's family is either really well meaning and sweet republican hillbillies from Kentucky, or super well bred democrats and racists from Philadelphia. Unfortunately, I live in Philadelphia. I love my wife, but I'd be lying if I said my life would've been easier had her mother and aunt not been racists. BTW, this isn't a political statement, just pointing out the irony. I myself am a liberal and registered democrat. Also, in fairness, one of her mother's sisters is actually quite awesome too, but I don't see her very often. The constant inflow of casual racism and judgement can really wear me down, and I have considered divorce more than once. So yeah, lady of "latin origins" (whatever that means), seriously good luck, and consider the world you want your child being raised in.
YTA. Just like Child free people don't want to be judged for not having kids, people who are parents don't want to be judged either. Also, what is the significant of her having "Latin origins?"
I think you know the significance of her having "latin origins".
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Id say just IGNORANT!!! because of the way you responded. Instead of getting to know the woman a bit better before you pass judgement would of been smart of you. You cant presume that the reason people cant go to college is because of being a parent too soon. Yes it could be an obstacle but never the cause. I knew someone that couldn't go to college because the parents refused to aid her to go to one and another who couldn't because the lack of tuition. And yes there are ways to get "free money" but its not a guarantee. Maybe to white people but "latin origin" have it hard. You SHOULD apologize. You were rude and cruel and you attacked her love (child). You passes judgement before getting to know her. Latin origin are smart and have a good heart and thats a family member id want on my side. :/ PS. You need to apologize to your brother he is probably hurt that you could be that heartless. Same goes for your sister!.sounds like you both are insecure and territorial.
I agree with the comment that said it was probably a troll. Way too many clichés. Also, I have trouble believing that such an "educated" character would disregard grammar so much that it made my teeth ache.
The moment you mentioned her ethnicity when this was 100% irrelevant to the subject matter, you said everything worth knowing about you. Subsequently, you get an automatic YTA. Like, no need to even read the rest.
Her decision to be a young, single mom DID ruin her opportunities. Sorry but women cannot have it all like they think. If they want college and a high-income job then they're going to sacrifice being "great moms". If they want to be great moms at a young age then they aren't going to have the time or money for a fancy degree and stressful job. The "you can have it all" BS has always been a lie. More women are figuring that out, which is why more and more are choosing to remain childfree. OP should not have been judged an AH.
"I only voiced my opinion" ... yeah. Fresh out of puberty with zero life experience but having "opinions" on how other people should live their lives.
YTA, you could have just minded your own business and not given an unwanted opinion.
Why is this person even asking if they are the a*****e? It's pretty obvious.
And what kind of "education" does OP have? I doubt it's legitimacy. But man, what a fkn AH!
It's interesting that she's 24 and still living with Mommy.
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I'm a sahm who can't go to college right now for both family and other reasons. I still sometimes talk about going when my kids are older and our family is in a better position for it. It's something to look forward to, but it doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life now or that I somehow messed up by choosing to have a family first! Life is full of chances to try different things, there's no one order everyone has to do things in.
OP simply stated a fact. Don't whine about lack of opportunities when you decide to be a single mom.
I wonder if she's a mother, because if not, who is she to say anything? My mother raised me by herself for 8 years of my life and looking back, i know how difficult it was for her to juggle raising me and college. OP is def TA not only for her judgemental remarks, but also her blatant racism. "Latin descent" are you kidding me?
What the heck is wrong with you? Why would you be so nasty? You sound like you're really angry(about what I don't know) or is it that you just don't like her? Having a child on your own IS difficult that's why it's important to be supportive mentally and emotionally to a future SIL. Whatever your problem is you better get over it really quick or risk losing your brother. That little boy didn't deserve to have his mother bashed verbally and he probably heard you! The fact that you don't even see what you did wrong say's a lot about your mental health, whether it's mood swings and an uncontrollable urge to lash out at other's to make yourself feel better or a borderline personality disorder, you need to figure it out because with that behavior he will never let you around his family and that's going to make it difficult for your parent's during the holiday's. If you care about nothing else know that your parent's will be filled with anxiety and dread everytime you come around, unless you change.
What purpose does it serve to imagine what your life could have been like if you had made different choices? None whatsoever. Live in your reality, and imagine what your CAN BE. At age 24, I very much doubt OP is any kind of a licensed therapist.
I have read many, many of these AITA stories, and ALL of them start EXACTLY the same with people being in their 20's & surprise surprise the story pans out that no they are not 😱 it's a story with the same ending. Made up rubbish😤😤😤. Some people come on these sites for advice, maybe a different perspective or point of view. Shameful BP.
Well he gave her his opinion about being dificult to go to college something that she wanted... He gave his opinion about way it was more dificult for her... He didn't star the conversation or gave his opinion for free because she is a single mother. He responded to her complaints with a valid reason.... Being a single mother, work and go to college is more dificult... He didn't invalidated her live or her happiness... He stated a fact. She didn't liked its her problem. But our choises in life bring us to today's dificultys...
Okay, since you seem to understand her....why did she bring the girls race into things?
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That is one of the dumbest takes I have ever read....she wouldn't cry if it weren't true? WHAT? So you think the only time someone can have their feelings hurt or get mad enough to cry is if everything they are upset about is true? You think no one gets upset over LIES? Seriously? One of the most hurtful things someone can do is LIE on you...and if that happens and someone cries over it....you would blame THEM? Or actually think if they are crying it has to be true? Girl. Horrible take.
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Yeah, the "Latin origins" line says a lot. I think she didn't like the future SIL and was looking for reasons to back that up. And it sounds more like an inquisition than just a friendly getting to know her dinner. Asking all about her personal life? Did you all let her ask about yours?
Yeah that latin comment seriously confused me. It wasnt until I read the reactions that i understood she was talking about the girls race! It was just so irrelevant and so out-of-nowhere, that I thought she was talking about something else. VERY telling she would feel the need to bring it up right off the bat...esp when the story has zero to do with her being Latina!
Load More Replies... Racist and entitled/clueless. Good to know how easy and cheap it is to go to college. Assuming this is U.S. And frankly, working in a Salon is a pretty smart career, people will always need haircuts and we are more vanity driven than ever
Plus it's not and item you can import, or labor that can be outsourced overseas.
Load More Replies... Gee...my cousin was a single teen mom and has a son with cerebral palsy. The "father" was never in the picture, and she never went to college. She somehow managed to grow up to be the Vice President of finance for one of the biggest movie studios in the world. What a LOSER!!! LOL
She better shut her mouth before someone breaks her teeth. Rude judgmental people are going to get judged back. And they may not like how some people react to their rudeness.
You literally just met this woman, who was not only a guest in your home, but also a future family member, and you sat on your high horse and passed judgment on her in front of her entire future family. YTA and you bloody well know it.
The fact that the future SIL has a child have nothing to do with going to school. I left college two months shy of my degree, then married. My 2nd husband urge me to go because I really wanted to. Finished that one and started U and brought my newborn with me, while the two other ones were in the care of my husband. I think, too, that the "latin origin" has a lot to do with the whole thing. She's happy with being a hairdresser. Let her be. Her future husband is happy too. This is none of your business. YTFA.
Big Fat AH. Rude, and inconsiderate. Unless she went through the same experiences she has no idea what that women's choices could have been, and are none of her business.
I'm a current college student. 1. Resources are honestly complete bull c**p. 2. Scholarships are earned and frankly very competitive and hard to come across. 3. Financial aid, at least in the United States, is given based on overall family income and a variety of other circumstances-and has to get paid off in the long run. Student loans are a pain. Also, "Latin origins" is just..ugh.
YTA. I was a single mom almost 30 years ago. No child support. I went to school, sacrificed a lot. Those programs and opportunities out there? None. I am still paying off student loans.
Thinking it made you the TA. Saying it just made you a b***h. I had three children when I went to college. It didn't ruin my life and neither did the years I had to work as a bartender to support myself. All those hard ships made me better/stronger. Get over yourself, oh and if this is true, you're also a racist.
If I was the future SIL, I'd find someone else. As a latino who is married to somebody with a racist family, it's really not any fun. Ironically, my wife's family is either really well meaning and sweet republican hillbillies from Kentucky, or super well bred democrats and racists from Philadelphia. Unfortunately, I live in Philadelphia. I love my wife, but I'd be lying if I said my life would've been easier had her mother and aunt not been racists. BTW, this isn't a political statement, just pointing out the irony. I myself am a liberal and registered democrat. Also, in fairness, one of her mother's sisters is actually quite awesome too, but I don't see her very often. The constant inflow of casual racism and judgement can really wear me down, and I have considered divorce more than once. So yeah, lady of "latin origins" (whatever that means), seriously good luck, and consider the world you want your child being raised in.
YTA. Just like Child free people don't want to be judged for not having kids, people who are parents don't want to be judged either. Also, what is the significant of her having "Latin origins?"
I think you know the significance of her having "latin origins".
Load More Replies... Id say just IGNORANT!!! because of the way you responded. Instead of getting to know the woman a bit better before you pass judgement would of been smart of you. You cant presume that the reason people cant go to college is because of being a parent too soon. Yes it could be an obstacle but never the cause. I knew someone that couldn't go to college because the parents refused to aid her to go to one and another who couldn't because the lack of tuition. And yes there are ways to get "free money" but its not a guarantee. Maybe to white people but "latin origin" have it hard. You SHOULD apologize. You were rude and cruel and you attacked her love (child). You passes judgement before getting to know her. Latin origin are smart and have a good heart and thats a family member id want on my side. :/ PS. You need to apologize to your brother he is probably hurt that you could be that heartless. Same goes for your sister!.sounds like you both are insecure and territorial.
I agree with the comment that said it was probably a troll. Way too many clichés. Also, I have trouble believing that such an "educated" character would disregard grammar so much that it made my teeth ache.
The moment you mentioned her ethnicity when this was 100% irrelevant to the subject matter, you said everything worth knowing about you. Subsequently, you get an automatic YTA. Like, no need to even read the rest.
Her decision to be a young, single mom DID ruin her opportunities. Sorry but women cannot have it all like they think. If they want college and a high-income job then they're going to sacrifice being "great moms". If they want to be great moms at a young age then they aren't going to have the time or money for a fancy degree and stressful job. The "you can have it all" BS has always been a lie. More women are figuring that out, which is why more and more are choosing to remain childfree. OP should not have been judged an AH.
"I only voiced my opinion" ... yeah. Fresh out of puberty with zero life experience but having "opinions" on how other people should live their lives.
YTA, you could have just minded your own business and not given an unwanted opinion.
Why is this person even asking if they are the a*****e? It's pretty obvious.
And what kind of "education" does OP have? I doubt it's legitimacy. But man, what a fkn AH!
It's interesting that she's 24 and still living with Mommy.
Load More Replies... I'm a sahm who can't go to college right now for both family and other reasons. I still sometimes talk about going when my kids are older and our family is in a better position for it. It's something to look forward to, but it doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life now or that I somehow messed up by choosing to have a family first! Life is full of chances to try different things, there's no one order everyone has to do things in.
OP simply stated a fact. Don't whine about lack of opportunities when you decide to be a single mom.
I wonder if she's a mother, because if not, who is she to say anything? My mother raised me by herself for 8 years of my life and looking back, i know how difficult it was for her to juggle raising me and college. OP is def TA not only for her judgemental remarks, but also her blatant racism. "Latin descent" are you kidding me?
What the heck is wrong with you? Why would you be so nasty? You sound like you're really angry(about what I don't know) or is it that you just don't like her? Having a child on your own IS difficult that's why it's important to be supportive mentally and emotionally to a future SIL. Whatever your problem is you better get over it really quick or risk losing your brother. That little boy didn't deserve to have his mother bashed verbally and he probably heard you! The fact that you don't even see what you did wrong say's a lot about your mental health, whether it's mood swings and an uncontrollable urge to lash out at other's to make yourself feel better or a borderline personality disorder, you need to figure it out because with that behavior he will never let you around his family and that's going to make it difficult for your parent's during the holiday's. If you care about nothing else know that your parent's will be filled with anxiety and dread everytime you come around, unless you change.
What purpose does it serve to imagine what your life could have been like if you had made different choices? None whatsoever. Live in your reality, and imagine what your CAN BE. At age 24, I very much doubt OP is any kind of a licensed therapist.
I have read many, many of these AITA stories, and ALL of them start EXACTLY the same with people being in their 20's & surprise surprise the story pans out that no they are not 😱 it's a story with the same ending. Made up rubbish😤😤😤. Some people come on these sites for advice, maybe a different perspective or point of view. Shameful BP.
Well he gave her his opinion about being dificult to go to college something that she wanted... He gave his opinion about way it was more dificult for her... He didn't star the conversation or gave his opinion for free because she is a single mother. He responded to her complaints with a valid reason.... Being a single mother, work and go to college is more dificult... He didn't invalidated her live or her happiness... He stated a fact. She didn't liked its her problem. But our choises in life bring us to today's dificultys...
Okay, since you seem to understand her....why did she bring the girls race into things?
Load More Replies... That is one of the dumbest takes I have ever read....she wouldn't cry if it weren't true? WHAT? So you think the only time someone can have their feelings hurt or get mad enough to cry is if everything they are upset about is true? You think no one gets upset over LIES? Seriously? One of the most hurtful things someone can do is LIE on you...and if that happens and someone cries over it....you would blame THEM? Or actually think if they are crying it has to be true? Girl. Horrible take.
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