“Am I The Jerk For Telling My ‘Always Late’ Friends An Earlier Time So We’d Be On Time?”

You know your disorganized, somewhat selfish, and chronically late friend who you secretly detest for not respecting your time? Well, Reddit user Perfect-Extension has three of them.

So as you can imagine, planning a group vacation with them can become a messy nightmare. The flights, the hotels, and dinners… There are so many places where you have to go and so many extra headaches if you arrive late.

So Perfect-Extension came up with an idea to make sure everything goes smoothly. She started lying to the gang that they needed to get to their appointments earlier than they were actually scheduled. And it worked like a charm. But when her friends found out about it, they were furious and accused the woman of destroying their trust.

Unsure about her actions, she turned to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?’ to explain what happened and hear what other people think about it.

This woman got so sick and tired of her friends being late, she started lying to them about the time so they would get to places early

Image credits: ELEVATE (not the actual photo)

But when they found out about it, the gang had a huge fight

Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)

We managed to get in touch with Perfect-Extension and the Redditor agreed to tell us more about the relationship she has with her friends.

“Honestly, the only thing we have argued about over the years is and was time management,” she told Bored Panda. “They’re emotionally supportive people and we have helped each other get through a lot during our teen years and adolescence etc. It’s just on our vacations, rules somehow don’t apply anymore or time just goes out the window.”

Because of that, the woman isn’t thinking about cutting ties with them. “We all live in different states and when we get together, it’s like a reunion. There are big life changes coming up in everyone’s lives so it’s probably for the best to retire the girl trips for now at least.”

“One is trying for a baby with her husband. Another is planning a wedding. We had a big talk last night. They acknowledged that my planning Friday had nothing to do with the one missing her flight on Sunday. I actually was able to get them to realize that we had such a flowy day on Friday because I told them to come earlier,” Perfect-Extension explained.

Since her story blew up, the woman has received plenty of replies from the members of ‘Am I the [Jerk]? subreddit.

“A lot of the redditors who responded helped me convey what I wanted to say to them. Ex: how rude it is not only to me but to the staff of these establishments when you show up late to a reservation.
(Sometimes I’m just really bad with words.) They used the excuse ‘it’s a vacation, I just want to go with the flow.’ Okay, then don’t make reservations.”

At the end of the day, she’s glad she reached out. “I want to thank everyone for responding and giving their advice. Everyone was actually really nice and offered wonderful support. So if they’re reading this article and commented, thank you.”

After the story went viral, OP gave more context on her friendships

According to Harriet Mellotte, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a clinical psychologist in training in London, it’s easy to perceive your late friends as chaotic, rude, and lacking in consideration for others but many people who have this problem are at least somewhat organized and want to keep friends, family and bosses happy. Contrary to Perfect-Extension’s case, the punctually-challenged are often excruciatingly aware and ashamed of the damage their lateness could do to their relationships, reputations, careers and finances.

“While there are those who get a charge out of keeping others waiting, if you’re typical, you dislike being late,” Diana DeLonzor wote in her book Never Be Late Again. “Yet tardiness remains your nemesis.”

Some excuses, such as an accident or illness, are fairly universally accepted even for acute lateness. But most aren’t so easy to swallow. There are late people who will pass it off as a symptom of being big-thinking and concerned with loftier matters than time-keeping, as an endearing quirk, a mark of doing one’s best work under pressure, or having the body clock of a night owl rather than a lark.

Being consistently late might not be someone’s fault. It could be their type. The unpunctual often share personality characteristics such as optimism, low levels of self-control, anxiety, or a penchant for thrill-seeking. Personality differences could also dictate how we experience the passing of time itself.

In 2001, Jeff Conte, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, ran a study in which he separated participants into Type A people (ambitious, competitive) and Type B (creative, reflective, explorative). He asked them to judge, without clocks, how long it took for one minute to elapse. Type A people felt a minute had gone by when roughly 58 seconds had passed. Type B participants felt a minute had gone after about 77 seconds.

For some, lateness is a “consequence of deeply distressing common mental health or neurological conditions,” said Mellotte. “People with anxiety diagnoses often avoid certain situations. Individuals with low self-esteem are likely to be critical about their abilities which may cause them to take more time to check their work.” And depression often comes with low energy, making mustering the motivation to get a move on only harder.

But Perfect-Extension’s example shows that there are less nuanced situations, too.

Everyone unanimously said the OP did nothing wrong

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