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“Am I The Jerk For Telling My ‘Always Late’ Friends An Earlier Time So We’d Be On Time?”
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“Am I The Jerk For Telling My ‘Always Late’ Friends An Earlier Time So We’d Be On Time?”

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You know your disorganized, somewhat selfish, and chronically late friend who you secretly detest for not respecting your time? Well, Reddit user Perfect-Extension has three of them.

So as you can imagine, planning a group vacation with them can become a messy nightmare. The flights, the hotels, and dinners… There are so many places where you have to go and so many extra headaches if you arrive late.

So Perfect-Extension came up with an idea to make sure everything goes smoothly. She started lying to the gang that they needed to get to their appointments earlier than they were actually scheduled. And it worked like a charm. But when her friends found out about it, they were furious and accused the woman of destroying their trust.

Unsure about her actions, she turned to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?’ to explain what happened and hear what other people think about it.

This woman got so sick and tired of her friends being late, she started lying to them about the time so they would get to places early

Image credits: ELEVATE (not the actual photo)

But when they found out about it, the gang had a huge fight


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Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)



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Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)


We managed to get in touch with Perfect-Extension and the Redditor agreed to tell us more about the relationship she has with her friends.

“Honestly, the only thing we have argued about over the years is and was time management,” she told Bored Panda. “They’re emotionally supportive people and we have helped each other get through a lot during our teen years and adolescence etc. It’s just on our vacations, rules somehow don’t apply anymore or time just goes out the window.”

Because of that, the woman isn’t thinking about cutting ties with them. “We all live in different states and when we get together, it’s like a reunion. There are big life changes coming up in everyone’s lives so it’s probably for the best to retire the girl trips for now at least.”

“One is trying for a baby with her husband. Another is planning a wedding. We had a big talk last night. They acknowledged that my planning Friday had nothing to do with the one missing her flight on Sunday. I actually was able to get them to realize that we had such a flowy day on Friday because I told them to come earlier,” Perfect-Extension explained.

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Since her story blew up, the woman has received plenty of replies from the members of ‘Am I the [Jerk]? subreddit.

“A lot of the redditors who responded helped me convey what I wanted to say to them. Ex: how rude it is not only to me but to the staff of these establishments when you show up late to a reservation.
(Sometimes I’m just really bad with words.) They used the excuse ‘it’s a vacation, I just want to go with the flow.’ Okay, then don’t make reservations.”

At the end of the day, she’s glad she reached out. “I want to thank everyone for responding and giving their advice. Everyone was actually really nice and offered wonderful support. So if they’re reading this article and commented, thank you.”

After the story went viral, OP gave more context on her friendships




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According to Harriet Mellotte, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a clinical psychologist in training in London, it’s easy to perceive your late friends as chaotic, rude, and lacking in consideration for others but many people who have this problem are at least somewhat organized and want to keep friends, family and bosses happy. Contrary to Perfect-Extension’s case, the punctually-challenged are often excruciatingly aware and ashamed of the damage their lateness could do to their relationships, reputations, careers and finances.

“While there are those who get a charge out of keeping others waiting, if you’re typical, you dislike being late,” Diana DeLonzor wote in her book Never Be Late Again. “Yet tardiness remains your nemesis.”

Some excuses, such as an accident or illness, are fairly universally accepted even for acute lateness. But most aren’t so easy to swallow. There are late people who will pass it off as a symptom of being big-thinking and concerned with loftier matters than time-keeping, as an endearing quirk, a mark of doing one’s best work under pressure, or having the body clock of a night owl rather than a lark.

Being consistently late might not be someone’s fault. It could be their type. The unpunctual often share personality characteristics such as optimism, low levels of self-control, anxiety, or a penchant for thrill-seeking. Personality differences could also dictate how we experience the passing of time itself.

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In 2001, Jeff Conte, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, ran a study in which he separated participants into Type A people (ambitious, competitive) and Type B (creative, reflective, explorative). He asked them to judge, without clocks, how long it took for one minute to elapse. Type A people felt a minute had gone by when roughly 58 seconds had passed. Type B participants felt a minute had gone after about 77 seconds.

For some, lateness is a “consequence of deeply distressing common mental health or neurological conditions,” said Mellotte. “People with anxiety diagnoses often avoid certain situations. Individuals with low self-esteem are likely to be critical about their abilities which may cause them to take more time to check their work.” And depression often comes with low energy, making mustering the motivation to get a move on only harder.

But Perfect-Extension’s example shows that there are less nuanced situations, too.

Everyone unanimously said the OP did nothing wrong









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michelleotto_1 avatar
Mattewis88
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I do the exact same thing, being late is disrespectful AF. But I don't mind helping them manage it by lying about the time and if anyone I consistently time-parent has something to say about it they can go find themselves someone else to hang out with.

michelletrousil avatar
Michelle Trousil
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a tardy person, most of us don't mean to be disrespectful. For me, it's about anxiety. I am aware of my problem and do things like the OP did to myself to trick myself into being on time. But, please know that most tardy people don't do this with malice or intent. For me, it's anxiety. I try. I really do. I am not being disrespectful. But, I would appreciate a friend like the OP. And, luckily have friends like that

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pernillewinkel avatar
Pernille.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My grand mother taught me that every time you let people wait for you because you are late, you steal some of their lifetime. I'm always early when meeting people, but I always bring a book so that I don't waste time waiting

zeljkoklaric78_1 avatar
Bernd Herbert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

German here....being on time is just part of my nature. So definitely NTA!

calyfansugarglider avatar
Cowws
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im Regen, Schnee und Sonnenschein, ich werd immer pünktlich sein :D

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savannahyoung avatar
S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The friend who wants to have a baby soon is surely to give birth in a car because she didn't plan the drive to the hospital.

alixpitcher avatar
Powerful Katrinka
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm hoping that friend never has children. That kind of chronic lateness is caused by massive self-absorption. Not a great characteristic in a parent.

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laura_ketteridge avatar
Laura Ketteridge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are genuinely some people who cannot manage their time. It can be incredibly difficult for some people with dyscalculia, ADHD and autism. Allowances, strategies and work-arounds need to be made for them. However, the majority of people who are chronically late don't plan, don't anticipate, or don't care. They are putting their wants and needs above those of their family, friends and colleagues. It might not be a conscious decision, but that's what they are doing by failing to take control over aspects of their lives they CAN control. I have decided I am not going to hang around waiting for a time that is convenient for them when we have already agreed on a time. It's rude, and downright inconsiderate.

mfaby avatar
nikkisevven avatar
Nikki Sevven
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to be habitually late to everything. I consistently underestimated how long it would take me to get ready AND only allotted the minimum time for the actual drive (never accounting for traffic, construction, accidents, etc.). Now, I'll note appointments on my calendar 15-30 minutes earlier than they actually are, and I'm always on time, if not early. It's a LOT less stressful.

babysoup avatar
Babysoup
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what I do. If I book a table for 8. I tell my hubby 715-730. Even though I know it's not till 8. It me that's late not him!!

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kevincampphoto avatar
Kevin Camp
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not really. Being on time or even within 5 minutes of being on time is a adulting at it's simplest level. If you are one of those people who are always egregiously late, then you are telling me that my time and my effort is nothing to you and that you do not respect me at the minimum level. I would let you know that I will leave without you if you cannot be within 10 minutes of the agreed upon time. If it's simply not that important to you, then I certainly won't place any importance on being there for you.

mar42991 avatar
Melissa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This gives me so much anxiety. I'm always 15-30 minutes early for any given appointment to make sure I'm on time. I was raised with the idea that if you're not early, you're late. I could not deal with waiting around hours for these people.

deannawoods avatar
deanna woods
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Right now, my family is having to go to a lot of doctor's appointments and some of them are in Dallas, which is three hours from where we live. My mom knows that if an appointment is at ten then we need to leave around seven and you know what we do? We leave when we are supposed to. Why do we do this? Because we are adults. This being chronically and not feeling bad about it is ridiculous. She needs to find new friends because it sounds like her friends and her are not meshing anymore.

madmcqueen avatar
Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Had people like that always late. Last min this or that an late. So I did the time switch an was on time. They never knew. But the stress was enough to just drop them. If I knew they would be late I'd just not show up. Then when they called to see where I was I said "I was on time but gave them 30 min an they didn't come so I figured they weren't an went somewhere else." They'd ask where an id say some place like 20 min from them and they wouldn't be on time to that. Like I'd get a message an hour an half later "we are here." I'd be like you said 30 min. I'm home now". Not worth it. Let them be big babies and try to explain to others this lateness. Move on.

marcianojunior avatar
Marciano Junior
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA Time management shouldn't work only at work. I have a friend that always runs late and I do tell him the time event one hour before the actual time Once I let him behind because even though tell him the wrong time, he was two hours late ... the other time we waited him for one hour ...

tmarofvulcan avatar
T'Mar of Vulcan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother was like that since I can remember. She never - and I mean NEVER - picked us up from school on time. We'd wait 15 minutes to an hour. And if we complained she'd say, "I can only do what I can do." So my brother and I conspired to make her pick us up from events on time by telling her to come 15-20 minutes earlier than we actually wanted her there. It worked, too! She died in 2007 not knowing what we'd done back when we were teenagers!

lindashonta avatar
Linda Shonta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother was like that too! Always left us waiting to be picked up, always the last kid there waiting on her!! Adults always saying "Why is your mother always late to pick you up" and my favorite, "You know I have things to do other than waiting for your mother to finally get here to pick you up"! This comment was from a church member!! So being on time is important! To everyone involved!

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eb_3 avatar
E B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a chronically late person with ADHD and no sense of time, I do *try* not to inconvenience my friends. That being said, if they figure out a strategy to help me manage and be on time and it works, I don't complain.

mfaby avatar
Mark Faby
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stop making excuses. Having ADHD is not a license to be chronically late. Work around it. and you DO have a 'sense of time' you simply choose to ignore it. Set an alarm. Set TEN alarms. Get it together.

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giovannat1979 avatar
Giovanna
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hear you. I've often been described as 'anxiety inducing' because I want to leave early. The people who call me that always end up rushing and running to find a parking spot and then literally running to the train station and yelling at each other not knowing if they'll manage to catch the train. But I am the anxiety inducing one.

keygirlus avatar
Bex
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Same. My sMom is the worst with this time management gaslighting c**p. Now I just leave without her or make separate plans.

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stonewoodoo avatar
Falcon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't see how this is even a question. The system works, keep doing it. If they get upset, then there's a simple solution... be on time.

michelletrousil avatar
Michelle Trousil
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi. I am chronically late. After a LOT of therapy (not for being late, other stuff) I realized that I am late because I have anxiety and if I am waiting for someone, I get scared that I am being "blown off.". I have some abandonment issues. But, I actually do exactly what you did to hack your friends. I am aware that I have this annoying problem and put things in my calendar earlier than they are actually scheduled so that I don't p**s off my timely friends/family or doctors or employers, etc. People who are late don't necessarily do this out of disrespect. We are legitimately bothered by something else. But, it is not because we don't value your time. It's just a compulsion. I love that you tried to do something to make things work without being mean (totally NTA). They should be grateful that you were trying to make things work for everyone without being mean. I have friends like you who take my tardiness into account, recognize my anxiety, and help me by doing what you did

lilliemean avatar
LillieMean
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Those "friends" are a-holes when they get mad about that. My own mother and husband are chronically late for everything and I have acted this way with them for as long as I can remember. Once we were late for a funeral. The cemetery was right, but the chapel was wrong, so we attended a stranger's funeral. Still embarrassing and these two learned nothing.

valisbourne avatar
Valisbourne Spiritforge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Used to take an annual trip to a convention every year with friends. I always wanted to leave at a specific time or earlier in the morning because, if we didn't, we'd get caught in the most horrendous traffic and it would add hours to our trip. Come day of the trip, 1 guy was always late. He wasn't fully packed or he had to finish the coffee he brewed (just brewed a full pot when we pulled up), something. I honestly think he thought it was funny. Drove me crazy.

corytollman avatar
Cory Tollman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was in Boy Scouts we had a rule where everyone was supposed to be at the departure point 30 minutes ahead of time. When it was time to go if you weren't there we didn't wait. One kid's dad got pissed that he had to drive to the campsite until it was explained to him. His kid was never late again.

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e_v_brinkman avatar
Etienne Brinkman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You don't change people, but you can control your reaction. And I've the system works for them to get there on time. I don't see the problem...

octavia_2 avatar
Octavia Hansen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You are fine. They don't have to grow up so they don't. Maybe it's a vacation for them -- you should charge them for your time! Consider making new grown-up friends. These women have been this way so long, they are not going to change now and certainly won't change for you. I'm sure every one of them has a phone -- built in clock, built in alarm clock. Be prepared to do what you want without them. They seem to be in their little group without you most of the time. You can do better than this for friends!

ddw2945 avatar
Curry on...
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't get people like her roommate saying she was rude for not putting up with the nonsense. Grown-a.s.s people need to take care of their obligations better..

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Willing to wager serious coin that roommate is just as ergregiously tardy as the OP's "friends" are

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markfuller avatar
Mark Fuller
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Didn't read the article but hell - I do this lots. There are prats who turn up late to everything, so I just give them an extra 30 minute margin. Problem solved. Apart from when it was my wedding day... never forgiven them.

johng_3 avatar
John G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Have a friend that is always late. We were going to another friend's wedding. I called to see if he wanted a ride. He was still trying to line up a date. He showed up as the bride was walking down the isle and walked right in front of her. They never forgave him and I don't blame them.

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philblanque avatar
phil blanque
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A person who is habitually late is narcissistic and manipulative. To coordinate with them in any reasonable way requires exactly this type of strategy.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe not all, but there seems to be a strong positive correlation between narcissistic tendencies and lack of punctuality.

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katkatkatrocks avatar
pink_panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm one of those naturally late people (suspected executive function issues) and I work really hard to get places on time! I know I have difficulties perceiving time so I do my best to compensate. Feeling like you're going to miss a flight or an event is one of the most stressful things ever! I can't believe this person's friends resented the fact that she made their day run smoothly.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can. It's not a legitimate psychological issue causing the alleged friends of OP to act the way they do. It's because they don't care about the OP's time. They think theirs is more valuable. They are also lazy, as they expect OP to manage every detail of their outings. They are rude, entitled, spoiled rotten adult children. Time to ghost these people. So NTA.

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praecordia avatar
Alma Muminovic
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ive done that before but only if its an ongoing issue which this clearly was. Def NTA if anything you gave them a taste of how smooth things can be if one can learn to be on time.

katlia avatar
kat lia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

as a tardy person, i would appreciate having a friend like her.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That makes you a good person. Thanks for owning it. If you were my friend I'd totally add a buffer time!

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jenngermain avatar
Jennifer Germain
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my SOL and MOL are always late, walk in late for our wedding (live 10 minutes away). Late for babtism and instead of just sitting at the back walked down the aisle talking and interrupting the ceremony. When they host something everyone shows up much later than they said because they could be just stepping out of the shower when you arrive. We always tell them the time is earlier by at least a half hour minimum.

kcmilholland avatar
Justme
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I regularly host staff meetings at work. Everyone knows my meetings start at 8am, regardless of who shows up. Sometimes I’m talking to just one person. I won’t wait a few minutes for everyone to show up. Eventually, staff learned not to be late when I’m hosting the meeting.

stampfreak avatar
Suz66
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think maybe you've grown out of this friend group. I was a workaholic too. I had to be punctual. Look for friends who match your maturity. Without you trying to keep them on time, they'll hopefully learn how to manage their time.

whalenwithann avatar
Whalen With An N
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everyone with perpetually late friends does this until they realize those friends aren't worth it. This person is NOT manipulating their time, she is protecting her own. People who are always late believe their time is more valuable than others. And being late often leads to missing dinner reservations and flights. That's a PITA. Get better friends who respect you and your time.

laurahelario avatar
Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP is NTA, but please people, when telling someone an earlier time, only tell the chronically late person/people. I once went to a wedding where the parents of the bride were chronically late, so 200 plus people were given invitations for noon to a wedding that wasn't supposed to start until 1 pm. We, the guests were there on time at noon, sitting in the pews, wondering what was going on until word slowly spread through the pews. It was massively a screw you to everyone who got there on time. The patents STILL were late, arriving around 1:20.

johng_3 avatar
John G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would have a hard time not leaving. AH move on the parents and the bride.

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babysoup avatar
Babysoup
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA as an always later person myself if I'm going out and have to be there by 8 I always tell my hubby 715 so he pushes me to not be late. If that makes sense. Basically I do to my self what you did to your friends.

vernon_bear avatar
Gavin Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know folk who’ll be late for their own funeral and folk who are 5 minutes early to everything. Both have their own negative points, late impacts on you, the staff or venue you are going to and that’s rude IMHO, the early folk think everyone should march to their drumbeat and that’s non-negotiable. Personally I’m a laid back when time allows but always on time if it impacts on a business (restaurant, doctor, barber etc), my partner knows I’ll be there on time for children / family stuff but if I’m not tied to anything then I do enjoy taking time over things. Life’s too short to be in a hurry all of the time. Smell the roses as you wander past eh?

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree taking a lazze Faire approach to leisure is ok, unless you've committed to someone else to meet or engage in an activity at a specified time, unless you've mutually agreed to some wiggle room. Otherwise, respect others time and keep your commitments.

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trisec_tebeakesse avatar
Trisec Tebeakesse
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not at all. My Mother-in-law is late to everything. She gets a starting time 30 minutes earlier than everyone else so she shows up on time.

mollywhuppie avatar
Molly Whuppie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Alternate view: they are doing it on purpose because they know it irritates you. They're mad this time because they missed a flight and so are blaming you because they were trying to annoy you and it backfired. Being late once or twice wouldn't be an issue but late every single time? they are doing it on purpose.

giovannat1979 avatar
Giovanna
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can assure you I know people who are ALWAYS late. They're not doing it on purpose per se, they're just "like this", and I find it extremely disrespectful. Example: i had invited them over for dinner. Bought FISH, so I had spent a lot of money. They are a couple: husband texted me 30 min before dinner time he couldn't make it, wife and daughter arrived 1h30min late. Food was ruined. They're just like that. I stopped inviting them.

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kevinfelton avatar
Kevin Felton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I freaking hate being late for anything. If you've ever been in the military you know that stomach churning anxiety you get from knowing you're not going to be 15 minutes early (which is late BTW) to something. Backwards planning and Murphy factors are just a way of life now. Thankfully my wife is even more a**l then I am so I don't have to worry about it.

trishunt5038 avatar
Tris Hunt
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I understand this on a major level. My anxiety is so high, I have to be on time to everything, including school. During my senior year, 2nd semester, I had 1st and 2nd period only. If I was even 4 minutes before that first bell, I freaked. I had to be at least 20 to 30 minutes early.

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lmtuthillrn avatar
Loreitta M Tuthill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your punctuality is appreciated by others. You are getting stressed out over their immaturity. Let them go. If they are mad at you it is their problem. You are carrying baggage and that is your problem. Stop traveling with them. I always liked to be early so I learned decades ago not to car pool. I just say "No, I'll meet you there". It becomes their responsibility to make their own plans and get their own time. Stop being the mother hen, you will be happier and have peace of mind. They will appreciate you when your not there. Good luck.

webalina avatar
Cindy Irvin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm one of those late all the time people. I seem to not be able to get my $#!+ together unless I'm under a time crunch (I did the same thing with school work). My brother does the same thing with me as OP does with her friends, and it doesn't bother me a bit. I never know for sure if and when he does it, zo I'm usually on time now.

sunnix1620 avatar
Sunny Skies
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm always late. I'm that type B that once tested a minute at 72 seconds. My best friend will tell me an earlier time to arrive so that I'll end up there when most people do, and I'm grateful for the assist! Without intent it's not disrespect - some of our bodies just don't work on the Puritanical system that developed here in the US.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not puritanical. Being in time tells others you value their time. I easily loose track of time, and as a young adult found myself slipping down that slope of perpetual tardiness. Comes from my mother. Woman is constantly late, up to two hours, for things. She always had the attitude that her time was worth more and other people would just have to suck it up and wait on her. That is the very definition of rude. Tardiness is a form of rude behavior. By the time I was 22 if managed to get my act together an work out how to be early or on time. I prefer to be early, as I feel this shows respect for others

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Gabriel Gawrada
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why on earth would you want to vacation with three people whose inability to manage their time is annoying to you? You should have befriended adults a long time ago.

nene59 avatar
Linda Powder
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wouldn't go anywhere with those disrespectful c***s. Unless it's my hubby and Son, I would NEVER travel anywhere with an outsider, especially a group of them. She'd be better off kicking the lot of them to the curb, and starting over. I got rid of all the female outsider trash in my life. Don't miss em either. Good riddance.

katshy07 avatar
Lee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did that with my roommate until she started getting wise and dragging again. I literally had to stop planning things like going to movies with her.

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Kali T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTAAAAA I do this to my friends 99.8% of the time. Only my husband knows the actual time of anything. Sometimes I have to double check myself. He'll ask: is dinner actually at 7:30, or is that just the time we're telling everyone? and if it's a few weeks out, I honestly have to go back and look at confirmation emails hahaha. I lie to myself too!

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KimB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to have issues when I first moved out own my own (at age 19) with being consistently 3-5 min late. This was in the time of clocks you actually had to set. So that's what I did to myself set my watch and every clock in my apartment 5 min fast. That really made a difference. I'm always right on time now because I've learned always give yourself 5-7 min more than you think you need.

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Kota Ball
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My dad's friends used to do this all the time because my "mom" (read "dad" who is unaware of time for legitimate reasons) always used to be late to everything. No one got offended and it was so much less stressful as a kid to have that tension lifted.

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Rasheeda Shaheen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom is late for everything. It is so embarrassing, we would walk in church 30.mins before it's over. All eyes on us. I hated that feeling. To where I am slways 15-30 mins late. We tells my mom an ealier time to get her out on time. She knows too and thanks us.

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Kathy Hoffman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I told my twin sister her behavior of being late was rude and disrespectful to her friends and family when she sets the time. She also stated her friends didn't mind her being late all the time. Well, I brought it up as an open discussion about people who were constantly late and gave my opinion. When my sister heard their thoughts she was taken back......now we arrive early, on time or a few minutes late. However, she 3as never late for work...and pitched an attitude towards co-workrers who were habitually late.....then she tried to explain its different between friends and work. I told her no it is not...yiu set a expectant time, you be there.

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Whitefox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was raised understanding that if you are only 15mins early, you are 15 mins late! I have a family member I adore, but they are chronically late so we 100% do this to them. They never know and it's not done from a mean place, just self preservation.

edyoung avatar
Ed Young
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Being late is disrespectful to the people waiting.Always an argument with my wife as she was always late.My family would do the same,tell her an earlier time.If I wasn't in charge of her funeral she would have been late for that too.

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Geeky Meerkat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The roommate seems like the worst. So the friend group is angry at each other for their own mistake, but not towards OP. So while the group is angry, roommate decides to add fuel to the fire so the friend group can direct their anger at OP?

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Abby Parker
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I have issues with being late sometimes to meet my friends but that’s usually due to transport problems and I always let them know if I’m running behind but it’s never been anything like this. Definitely NTA. My mum actually used to do this with my dad before they separated 😆 he still occasionally runs late lol.

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Devin Singh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I grew up in a very stressful household where my dad was the only one allowed to be late to anything. But if any of his family was even 30 seconds late he'd lose his s**t. So that's carried over into my adult life. I'm incredibly anxious about being punctual, so when my friends aren't, I used to stress about it really hard. Now I just do what OP does. Tell them everything is 30mins earlier than it actually is. They get it. No hard feelings.

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Zoe Duddle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find it difficult because my friends are always late to social events. I understand why when it's at somewhere like a pub, because everyone they know is and no-one wants to be the first one there, but it means that I have no idea when to turn up. I tend to try for about 15mins late but I'm still sometimes there another 20mins on my own. My husband likes to arrive early or at the very, very latest bang on time for events, no matter how many times I tell him that no-one else we know does that. It's not a problem if it's at somewhere like a pub as we can just hang out together until the others turn up, the problem is when it's at someone's house. He still makes us turn up at the time said and we are the first ones there, sitting around awkwardly with at least twice the host having only just got out of the shower and still in a towel and hair turban. It's weird for everyone. I know it's their fault but we are both very introverted people and we just sit them absolutely dying with cringe.

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Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's with the strange aversion to not wanting to be the first to show up? If it gonna be like that, do yourselves a favor and don't bother going.

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Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to always be tardy but realized how it was affecting others so I trained myself to be early. (Just don't be like my mother and set all the clocks in the house back 20 minutes!) In my experience, "friends" who are constantly late seem like they're trying to get out of their commitments (and possibly friendships) anyway.

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Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Setting the clocks back will always make you late. Set them forward if you want to be on time

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Joyce Blodgett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a chronic "always early, refuse to be late" person, have been so all my life. I worked for 52 years prior to retirement, and in all that time, was late less than 10 times, typically due to weather where I lived at the time (very heavy winter snows and unexpected storms). I just cannot stand to be late, and find it incredibly rude of those who are chronically so, as one of my friends always is. I love them, but cannot tolerate the constant late start to literally everything.

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Some guy
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife has always done this with her kids, and it worked like a charm until they caught on. But none of them ever got offended.

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Pamela Blue
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a couple of short friendships like that. Note the tense "had." I cannot stay friends with someone who disrespects me so much that they can't be bothered to show up on time. I will wait for 10 minutes - max. Unless I get a text or phone call with a reason why they're late, that's the last time I will ever meet them.

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Roddfergg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A old friend I play golf with I always tell him the tee time is 15-20 minutes earlier. He has still barely made it for years.

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CL Rowan
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Time for the bimbo's~~and that's the vibe they give~~to grow up! They wanna complain because they were shown how easy it is to be somewhere on time? That's *their* problem, no one else's. How's the one who wants to be a mom going to function when she has her baby late to every Dr's appointment, the photohrapher, PLAYDATES AND PRESCHOOL??? Baby will pay the price. Bunch of narcissists.

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Skorm Carter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're friends are a bunch of morons and I feel really bad for their future bastards.

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thor
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom is somewhat late when she leaves so the car clock's are ahead by a few minutes. Even the car I drive is ahead. I honestly like it more knowing I won't be late when I look at the clock

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Marian-Mina Mihai
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, you are. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese". I absolutely hate it when I get a cab to be somewhere on time, just for the people I meet with (that are punctual and extremist about it) to meet me with a: "Let's have a coffee first" or simply being unproductive in the amount of time it would take for me to take a bus. In my city (and country, in general) public transport doesn't have a fixed schedule, so I usually get late because I wait for public transport. I like people who are late, because it leaves room for flexibility. Especially when doing something for fun. I 'm gonna go out to have fun not to be on (your) time. Also, whenever I get somewhere earlier than I should, I wonder around until the time I'm supposed to get there, just so I don't get earlier. So yeah, my two cents. Hate my opinion as much as you want, as I hate yours, too.

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David Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife is notoriously late and it drives me crazy. We talked about it and I now ‘lie’ to her about arrival times so that we can try to get places on time. I joke that we’re in central time but she operates on pacific time so tell her 2 hours earlier. NTA. As a person that gets anxiety when I’m late, I’d do exactly the same thing as OP

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E Talavera
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They would not be my friends for long, hate that type of ppl.

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Jen “SFJenn” Fogcity
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have some friends who are usually late. I will make the time about half an hour earlier so they show up on time. I never ever tell them about it. If OP told them she sets up the time for earlier they should wake up. It's because they're always late. They're not mad at her but mad at themselves and took it out on her. I hate people who flake and are always late. It's rude. It shows you that they are more focused on themselves and think the friendship evolves around them. I've had to drop a couple of friends who wete late for special events and time sensitive stuff. I stopped inviting them. But if you want to keep these friendships just don't say anything and set up the time for earlier.

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Jay
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One thing though, if she gave an earlier time and they came late without consequences, it would affirm their belief that being late is fine. While her friends should probably strive to be better/more punctual. I wonder if instead of telling them what time it is, she should instead tell them what time to head out and hence avoid the lie.

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Janice Parks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes I wonder if being late is a result of a lifetime of anxiety. Or maybe it’s a control issue… or a mashup of both. Some people have an anxiety about being left out. Maybe you could find another friend who never misses out and who has an easy laugh. It can help relieve you of the need to stress out about them being late. You may not even realize they’re not there! You can say things like, “We decided to go on in” “We decided to order” “We decided to change up the plan as another opportunity presented itself… yes, we tried to call you!” It might take a few times and some people will always be hopeless but at least you won’t waste your life trying to get someone to show up.

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Lori Rommel
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to have to set my watch and clocks 10 minutes fast so I could get my son's dad to get a move on. I would've had to set them an hour fast to get him to be actually on time, but he would have noticed.

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Cody Hill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Probably still live with mom and dad honestly I don't many jobs that wouldn't eventually fire you for being late constantly. Training as a Nurse you can't even be 5minutes late without getting written up.

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MalP
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've done this with one friend set. It worked wonders for having a good time. Never told them tho...

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karma rose
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't understand how the always late friends don't feel any shame at all in this situation. These people are so consistently late that op had to fib about the schedule. They only got seated at places fast because they were on time you would so you would think that would teach them a lesson. Think of all the time op had to wait on them throughout their friendship and they're mad because one time op got to do a few things on time for once because she harmlessly tricked them?

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Jo Firth
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People who chronically run late are silently pointing out that they think they're more important than those waiting for them.

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Kathleen Pearlman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always leave early because I get lost easily. I've been known to get lost not even a mile from home. I was half an hour late to a dentist's appointment because I turned left rather than right - or right instead of left, I don't remember. I leave even earlier now, because I still forget how to get there. I live in NJ, where everybody seems to think a little late is better than a little early.

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Mary Brizendine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was married to my husband for 44 years, who was of the philosophy that he'd rather be 30 minutes early than 5 minutes late. My daughters would find him sitting outside their homes waiting for the correct time. His daughter, my step-daughter, was perpetually late. She would show up for dinner and hour late then b*tch that the food was cold. So we got to the point where we would tell her to be there an hour earlier and she might just make it on time.

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Albino
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex was like that. I didn't mind most times, when he said he'd be there at two I expected 2:30 and it worked. Then again, when it was important (starting time) he'd be early, or if it was otherwise important I'd tell him and he'd be there early. I don't think he was actually ever on time. Either early or late.

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Nannis Goatis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom did this with my sister, & my husband seemed to think a 1:00 lunch, that's when you leave. NTA You need new friends!

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Markus It/Its
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone who is often late and also very stressed about being late, this is actually a great idea. If I manage to arrive before everyone else gets there, that's cool, I can wait. If I'm late, I'm letting people down. This is a smart and helpful way of solving this problem

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Lara Verne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA and don't wait for them. They're in their 30s, they should grow up. And if they don't, find better friends.

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Lunar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went to a trip with friends few years ago and I swear I would not go on any trip with this particular friend anymore. We were on a shared tour and thus time punctuality is important yet she always late and even said oh, let the others wait. No more next time.

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Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely NTA! I cannot tolerate being late. I always arrive early to where I need to be and really can't tolerate chronic lateness with others. It's insulting to keep people waiting when you're supposed to be somewhere at a set time. They wouldn't last long as my friends.

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Lara Kristelle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was always the early bird until I got tired of being early for the same reason, so now I'm the one that's late. Yet being late bugs me, so I just try to arrive on time. My turning point was when a friend of mine made me wait two f c k i n g hours on a really tiring day. I almost passed out in the shopping mall.

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Yu Pan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My friend and I are often late when meeting up with each other and neither of us takes offense of that. But when it comes to something more strict (restaurant reservation, concerts, flights, trains), we are always on time or even hours before.

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Marilyn Russell
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her “friends” are very rude and disrespectful. Don’t wait until you are 50 like I did to set you boundaries of what you will or will not tolerate. And it is not your responsibility to monitor or fix other people’s behaviour. They are adults and it can be exhausting. I also know this from too much experience. If the miss a flight or something, that’s their responsibility to learn the consequences of their inactions.

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Stacey Rae
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was going through a custody dispute the psychologist involved loved my ex who was always late for appointments. I was told that I was afraid of confrontation for always being on time. Like, wtf.

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Chauncy Franklin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. My ex was always late. Sunday morning I would get the kids fed, bathed and dressed for church. All he had to do is take care of himself. I hated walking into church late so I would leave and he came in late on his own. Don’t even get me started on school days.

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Kainaath Khan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I do this all the time with my immediate family, none of them are good at time management and are always later by 15 20 mins. So I there is an appointment or meeting I will give them half hour earlier time so that they are on or 2- 3 mins before time.

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Cavern Gill-Vernon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeh, I was that arsehole. My friends would tell me to arrive half an hour earlier than they were going. I'd still be late (in my defence, I had health issues and would always leave thing to the last minute to go out in case stuff happened) but it worked. Now, I'm early for everything. Including work

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Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. But you can simply make a sort of joke out of it. I have difficulty being in time as well (I’m training to be in time but not always succesful). I always say to people ‘Take a Helen-time for this occasion, I need it haha’. Simply say you love them and this is the easiest way to plan things. You know them well enough that they don’t do this on purpose and this way you take into account their little weaknesses. You happy, they happy. What you don’t know won’t hurt you right? Then they can take into account your weaknesses and be considerate about each others strong/weak points.

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Mark Faby
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Anyone older than, say, 25 and is *still* chronically late is a manipulative jerk ESPECIALLY if they acknowledge that they have this problem. Chronic lateness is a sign of disrespect to the others involved. I had a friend who was always late to meet up, ALWAYS. I finally got so fed up with his actions I decided to arive late just so he can see what it's like. I showed up 45 minutes after the agreed time only to have him show 15 minutes after me, meaning a hour late. That was the last time I did anything with him.

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Olïvër Keemäïne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I actually think aknowlegeding an issue and working to get it under control on their own is okay. I think they're a jerk if they don't aknowledge the issue and always blame others or don't care at all to work on it/find strategies. If they can take fault and know it's a problem and want to work on it; I don't think their bad- You can't fix something without first identifying it as an issue. If they make no effort, then yes. But how is anyone supposed to get better at anything without aknowlegeding they have an issue with it?

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Justme
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Most people learn how to be on time by this age. I wouldn’t parent them or try to wrangle them. Let them be late. If dinner is at 7pm and they don’t make it in time - they don’t get to join you for dinner. They’ll either start being on time or they’ll stop joining you.

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Jasmine
Community Member
1 year ago

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We have a similar friends group with one being overpunctual and the rest (me included) is more chaotic. Not at the extreme like missing flights and stuff. But i find it sad how people seem to only see one side of this. Being on vacation means taking things easy, we stress enough in our daily life. And as some are assuming, no it doesn't mean you can't be reliable or that you're spoiled! It is a choice to not be stressed out on your vacation and constantly checking the time. We are spontaneous tho when we are going somewhere and don't make reservations either.

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Mattewis88
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I do the exact same thing, being late is disrespectful AF. But I don't mind helping them manage it by lying about the time and if anyone I consistently time-parent has something to say about it they can go find themselves someone else to hang out with.

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Michelle Trousil
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a tardy person, most of us don't mean to be disrespectful. For me, it's about anxiety. I am aware of my problem and do things like the OP did to myself to trick myself into being on time. But, please know that most tardy people don't do this with malice or intent. For me, it's anxiety. I try. I really do. I am not being disrespectful. But, I would appreciate a friend like the OP. And, luckily have friends like that

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Pernille.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My grand mother taught me that every time you let people wait for you because you are late, you steal some of their lifetime. I'm always early when meeting people, but I always bring a book so that I don't waste time waiting

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Bernd Herbert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

German here....being on time is just part of my nature. So definitely NTA!

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Cowws
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im Regen, Schnee und Sonnenschein, ich werd immer pünktlich sein :D

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S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The friend who wants to have a baby soon is surely to give birth in a car because she didn't plan the drive to the hospital.

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Powerful Katrinka
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm hoping that friend never has children. That kind of chronic lateness is caused by massive self-absorption. Not a great characteristic in a parent.

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Laura Ketteridge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are genuinely some people who cannot manage their time. It can be incredibly difficult for some people with dyscalculia, ADHD and autism. Allowances, strategies and work-arounds need to be made for them. However, the majority of people who are chronically late don't plan, don't anticipate, or don't care. They are putting their wants and needs above those of their family, friends and colleagues. It might not be a conscious decision, but that's what they are doing by failing to take control over aspects of their lives they CAN control. I have decided I am not going to hang around waiting for a time that is convenient for them when we have already agreed on a time. It's rude, and downright inconsiderate.

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Nikki Sevven
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to be habitually late to everything. I consistently underestimated how long it would take me to get ready AND only allotted the minimum time for the actual drive (never accounting for traffic, construction, accidents, etc.). Now, I'll note appointments on my calendar 15-30 minutes earlier than they actually are, and I'm always on time, if not early. It's a LOT less stressful.

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Babysoup
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what I do. If I book a table for 8. I tell my hubby 715-730. Even though I know it's not till 8. It me that's late not him!!

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Kevin Camp
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not really. Being on time or even within 5 minutes of being on time is a adulting at it's simplest level. If you are one of those people who are always egregiously late, then you are telling me that my time and my effort is nothing to you and that you do not respect me at the minimum level. I would let you know that I will leave without you if you cannot be within 10 minutes of the agreed upon time. If it's simply not that important to you, then I certainly won't place any importance on being there for you.

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Melissa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This gives me so much anxiety. I'm always 15-30 minutes early for any given appointment to make sure I'm on time. I was raised with the idea that if you're not early, you're late. I could not deal with waiting around hours for these people.

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deanna woods
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Right now, my family is having to go to a lot of doctor's appointments and some of them are in Dallas, which is three hours from where we live. My mom knows that if an appointment is at ten then we need to leave around seven and you know what we do? We leave when we are supposed to. Why do we do this? Because we are adults. This being chronically and not feeling bad about it is ridiculous. She needs to find new friends because it sounds like her friends and her are not meshing anymore.

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Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Had people like that always late. Last min this or that an late. So I did the time switch an was on time. They never knew. But the stress was enough to just drop them. If I knew they would be late I'd just not show up. Then when they called to see where I was I said "I was on time but gave them 30 min an they didn't come so I figured they weren't an went somewhere else." They'd ask where an id say some place like 20 min from them and they wouldn't be on time to that. Like I'd get a message an hour an half later "we are here." I'd be like you said 30 min. I'm home now". Not worth it. Let them be big babies and try to explain to others this lateness. Move on.

marcianojunior avatar
Marciano Junior
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA Time management shouldn't work only at work. I have a friend that always runs late and I do tell him the time event one hour before the actual time Once I let him behind because even though tell him the wrong time, he was two hours late ... the other time we waited him for one hour ...

tmarofvulcan avatar
T'Mar of Vulcan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother was like that since I can remember. She never - and I mean NEVER - picked us up from school on time. We'd wait 15 minutes to an hour. And if we complained she'd say, "I can only do what I can do." So my brother and I conspired to make her pick us up from events on time by telling her to come 15-20 minutes earlier than we actually wanted her there. It worked, too! She died in 2007 not knowing what we'd done back when we were teenagers!

lindashonta avatar
Linda Shonta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother was like that too! Always left us waiting to be picked up, always the last kid there waiting on her!! Adults always saying "Why is your mother always late to pick you up" and my favorite, "You know I have things to do other than waiting for your mother to finally get here to pick you up"! This comment was from a church member!! So being on time is important! To everyone involved!

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eb_3 avatar
E B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a chronically late person with ADHD and no sense of time, I do *try* not to inconvenience my friends. That being said, if they figure out a strategy to help me manage and be on time and it works, I don't complain.

mfaby avatar
Mark Faby
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stop making excuses. Having ADHD is not a license to be chronically late. Work around it. and you DO have a 'sense of time' you simply choose to ignore it. Set an alarm. Set TEN alarms. Get it together.

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giovannat1979 avatar
Giovanna
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hear you. I've often been described as 'anxiety inducing' because I want to leave early. The people who call me that always end up rushing and running to find a parking spot and then literally running to the train station and yelling at each other not knowing if they'll manage to catch the train. But I am the anxiety inducing one.

keygirlus avatar
Bex
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Same. My sMom is the worst with this time management gaslighting c**p. Now I just leave without her or make separate plans.

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stonewoodoo avatar
Falcon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't see how this is even a question. The system works, keep doing it. If they get upset, then there's a simple solution... be on time.

michelletrousil avatar
Michelle Trousil
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi. I am chronically late. After a LOT of therapy (not for being late, other stuff) I realized that I am late because I have anxiety and if I am waiting for someone, I get scared that I am being "blown off.". I have some abandonment issues. But, I actually do exactly what you did to hack your friends. I am aware that I have this annoying problem and put things in my calendar earlier than they are actually scheduled so that I don't p**s off my timely friends/family or doctors or employers, etc. People who are late don't necessarily do this out of disrespect. We are legitimately bothered by something else. But, it is not because we don't value your time. It's just a compulsion. I love that you tried to do something to make things work without being mean (totally NTA). They should be grateful that you were trying to make things work for everyone without being mean. I have friends like you who take my tardiness into account, recognize my anxiety, and help me by doing what you did

lilliemean avatar
LillieMean
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Those "friends" are a-holes when they get mad about that. My own mother and husband are chronically late for everything and I have acted this way with them for as long as I can remember. Once we were late for a funeral. The cemetery was right, but the chapel was wrong, so we attended a stranger's funeral. Still embarrassing and these two learned nothing.

valisbourne avatar
Valisbourne Spiritforge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Used to take an annual trip to a convention every year with friends. I always wanted to leave at a specific time or earlier in the morning because, if we didn't, we'd get caught in the most horrendous traffic and it would add hours to our trip. Come day of the trip, 1 guy was always late. He wasn't fully packed or he had to finish the coffee he brewed (just brewed a full pot when we pulled up), something. I honestly think he thought it was funny. Drove me crazy.

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Cory Tollman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was in Boy Scouts we had a rule where everyone was supposed to be at the departure point 30 minutes ahead of time. When it was time to go if you weren't there we didn't wait. One kid's dad got pissed that he had to drive to the campsite until it was explained to him. His kid was never late again.

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Etienne Brinkman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You don't change people, but you can control your reaction. And I've the system works for them to get there on time. I don't see the problem...

octavia_2 avatar
Octavia Hansen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You are fine. They don't have to grow up so they don't. Maybe it's a vacation for them -- you should charge them for your time! Consider making new grown-up friends. These women have been this way so long, they are not going to change now and certainly won't change for you. I'm sure every one of them has a phone -- built in clock, built in alarm clock. Be prepared to do what you want without them. They seem to be in their little group without you most of the time. You can do better than this for friends!

ddw2945 avatar
Curry on...
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't get people like her roommate saying she was rude for not putting up with the nonsense. Grown-a.s.s people need to take care of their obligations better..

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Willing to wager serious coin that roommate is just as ergregiously tardy as the OP's "friends" are

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markfuller avatar
Mark Fuller
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Didn't read the article but hell - I do this lots. There are prats who turn up late to everything, so I just give them an extra 30 minute margin. Problem solved. Apart from when it was my wedding day... never forgiven them.

johng_3 avatar
John G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Have a friend that is always late. We were going to another friend's wedding. I called to see if he wanted a ride. He was still trying to line up a date. He showed up as the bride was walking down the isle and walked right in front of her. They never forgave him and I don't blame them.

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phil blanque
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A person who is habitually late is narcissistic and manipulative. To coordinate with them in any reasonable way requires exactly this type of strategy.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe not all, but there seems to be a strong positive correlation between narcissistic tendencies and lack of punctuality.

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pink_panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm one of those naturally late people (suspected executive function issues) and I work really hard to get places on time! I know I have difficulties perceiving time so I do my best to compensate. Feeling like you're going to miss a flight or an event is one of the most stressful things ever! I can't believe this person's friends resented the fact that she made their day run smoothly.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can. It's not a legitimate psychological issue causing the alleged friends of OP to act the way they do. It's because they don't care about the OP's time. They think theirs is more valuable. They are also lazy, as they expect OP to manage every detail of their outings. They are rude, entitled, spoiled rotten adult children. Time to ghost these people. So NTA.

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Alma Muminovic
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ive done that before but only if its an ongoing issue which this clearly was. Def NTA if anything you gave them a taste of how smooth things can be if one can learn to be on time.

katlia avatar
kat lia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

as a tardy person, i would appreciate having a friend like her.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That makes you a good person. Thanks for owning it. If you were my friend I'd totally add a buffer time!

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Jennifer Germain
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my SOL and MOL are always late, walk in late for our wedding (live 10 minutes away). Late for babtism and instead of just sitting at the back walked down the aisle talking and interrupting the ceremony. When they host something everyone shows up much later than they said because they could be just stepping out of the shower when you arrive. We always tell them the time is earlier by at least a half hour minimum.

kcmilholland avatar
Justme
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I regularly host staff meetings at work. Everyone knows my meetings start at 8am, regardless of who shows up. Sometimes I’m talking to just one person. I won’t wait a few minutes for everyone to show up. Eventually, staff learned not to be late when I’m hosting the meeting.

stampfreak avatar
Suz66
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think maybe you've grown out of this friend group. I was a workaholic too. I had to be punctual. Look for friends who match your maturity. Without you trying to keep them on time, they'll hopefully learn how to manage their time.

whalenwithann avatar
Whalen With An N
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everyone with perpetually late friends does this until they realize those friends aren't worth it. This person is NOT manipulating their time, she is protecting her own. People who are always late believe their time is more valuable than others. And being late often leads to missing dinner reservations and flights. That's a PITA. Get better friends who respect you and your time.

laurahelario avatar
Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP is NTA, but please people, when telling someone an earlier time, only tell the chronically late person/people. I once went to a wedding where the parents of the bride were chronically late, so 200 plus people were given invitations for noon to a wedding that wasn't supposed to start until 1 pm. We, the guests were there on time at noon, sitting in the pews, wondering what was going on until word slowly spread through the pews. It was massively a screw you to everyone who got there on time. The patents STILL were late, arriving around 1:20.

johng_3 avatar
John G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would have a hard time not leaving. AH move on the parents and the bride.

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babysoup avatar
Babysoup
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA as an always later person myself if I'm going out and have to be there by 8 I always tell my hubby 715 so he pushes me to not be late. If that makes sense. Basically I do to my self what you did to your friends.

vernon_bear avatar
Gavin Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know folk who’ll be late for their own funeral and folk who are 5 minutes early to everything. Both have their own negative points, late impacts on you, the staff or venue you are going to and that’s rude IMHO, the early folk think everyone should march to their drumbeat and that’s non-negotiable. Personally I’m a laid back when time allows but always on time if it impacts on a business (restaurant, doctor, barber etc), my partner knows I’ll be there on time for children / family stuff but if I’m not tied to anything then I do enjoy taking time over things. Life’s too short to be in a hurry all of the time. Smell the roses as you wander past eh?

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree taking a lazze Faire approach to leisure is ok, unless you've committed to someone else to meet or engage in an activity at a specified time, unless you've mutually agreed to some wiggle room. Otherwise, respect others time and keep your commitments.

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Trisec Tebeakesse
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not at all. My Mother-in-law is late to everything. She gets a starting time 30 minutes earlier than everyone else so she shows up on time.

mollywhuppie avatar
Molly Whuppie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Alternate view: they are doing it on purpose because they know it irritates you. They're mad this time because they missed a flight and so are blaming you because they were trying to annoy you and it backfired. Being late once or twice wouldn't be an issue but late every single time? they are doing it on purpose.

giovannat1979 avatar
Giovanna
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can assure you I know people who are ALWAYS late. They're not doing it on purpose per se, they're just "like this", and I find it extremely disrespectful. Example: i had invited them over for dinner. Bought FISH, so I had spent a lot of money. They are a couple: husband texted me 30 min before dinner time he couldn't make it, wife and daughter arrived 1h30min late. Food was ruined. They're just like that. I stopped inviting them.

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Kevin Felton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I freaking hate being late for anything. If you've ever been in the military you know that stomach churning anxiety you get from knowing you're not going to be 15 minutes early (which is late BTW) to something. Backwards planning and Murphy factors are just a way of life now. Thankfully my wife is even more a**l then I am so I don't have to worry about it.

trishunt5038 avatar
Tris Hunt
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I understand this on a major level. My anxiety is so high, I have to be on time to everything, including school. During my senior year, 2nd semester, I had 1st and 2nd period only. If I was even 4 minutes before that first bell, I freaked. I had to be at least 20 to 30 minutes early.

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Loreitta M Tuthill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your punctuality is appreciated by others. You are getting stressed out over their immaturity. Let them go. If they are mad at you it is their problem. You are carrying baggage and that is your problem. Stop traveling with them. I always liked to be early so I learned decades ago not to car pool. I just say "No, I'll meet you there". It becomes their responsibility to make their own plans and get their own time. Stop being the mother hen, you will be happier and have peace of mind. They will appreciate you when your not there. Good luck.

webalina avatar
Cindy Irvin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm one of those late all the time people. I seem to not be able to get my $#!+ together unless I'm under a time crunch (I did the same thing with school work). My brother does the same thing with me as OP does with her friends, and it doesn't bother me a bit. I never know for sure if and when he does it, zo I'm usually on time now.

sunnix1620 avatar
Sunny Skies
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm always late. I'm that type B that once tested a minute at 72 seconds. My best friend will tell me an earlier time to arrive so that I'll end up there when most people do, and I'm grateful for the assist! Without intent it's not disrespect - some of our bodies just don't work on the Puritanical system that developed here in the US.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not puritanical. Being in time tells others you value their time. I easily loose track of time, and as a young adult found myself slipping down that slope of perpetual tardiness. Comes from my mother. Woman is constantly late, up to two hours, for things. She always had the attitude that her time was worth more and other people would just have to suck it up and wait on her. That is the very definition of rude. Tardiness is a form of rude behavior. By the time I was 22 if managed to get my act together an work out how to be early or on time. I prefer to be early, as I feel this shows respect for others

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Gabriel Gawrada
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why on earth would you want to vacation with three people whose inability to manage their time is annoying to you? You should have befriended adults a long time ago.

nene59 avatar
Linda Powder
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wouldn't go anywhere with those disrespectful c***s. Unless it's my hubby and Son, I would NEVER travel anywhere with an outsider, especially a group of them. She'd be better off kicking the lot of them to the curb, and starting over. I got rid of all the female outsider trash in my life. Don't miss em either. Good riddance.

katshy07 avatar
Lee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did that with my roommate until she started getting wise and dragging again. I literally had to stop planning things like going to movies with her.

girlouttabrooklyn avatar
Kali T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTAAAAA I do this to my friends 99.8% of the time. Only my husband knows the actual time of anything. Sometimes I have to double check myself. He'll ask: is dinner actually at 7:30, or is that just the time we're telling everyone? and if it's a few weeks out, I honestly have to go back and look at confirmation emails hahaha. I lie to myself too!

kimberlybailey avatar
KimB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to have issues when I first moved out own my own (at age 19) with being consistently 3-5 min late. This was in the time of clocks you actually had to set. So that's what I did to myself set my watch and every clock in my apartment 5 min fast. That really made a difference. I'm always right on time now because I've learned always give yourself 5-7 min more than you think you need.

dakotaball avatar
Kota Ball
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My dad's friends used to do this all the time because my "mom" (read "dad" who is unaware of time for legitimate reasons) always used to be late to everything. No one got offended and it was so much less stressful as a kid to have that tension lifted.

rasheedashaheen avatar
Rasheeda Shaheen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom is late for everything. It is so embarrassing, we would walk in church 30.mins before it's over. All eyes on us. I hated that feeling. To where I am slways 15-30 mins late. We tells my mom an ealier time to get her out on time. She knows too and thanks us.

kmhoffmanva avatar
Kathy Hoffman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I told my twin sister her behavior of being late was rude and disrespectful to her friends and family when she sets the time. She also stated her friends didn't mind her being late all the time. Well, I brought it up as an open discussion about people who were constantly late and gave my opinion. When my sister heard their thoughts she was taken back......now we arrive early, on time or a few minutes late. However, she 3as never late for work...and pitched an attitude towards co-workrers who were habitually late.....then she tried to explain its different between friends and work. I told her no it is not...yiu set a expectant time, you be there.

snowfoxrox avatar
Whitefox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was raised understanding that if you are only 15mins early, you are 15 mins late! I have a family member I adore, but they are chronically late so we 100% do this to them. They never know and it's not done from a mean place, just self preservation.

edyoung avatar
Ed Young
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Being late is disrespectful to the people waiting.Always an argument with my wife as she was always late.My family would do the same,tell her an earlier time.If I wasn't in charge of her funeral she would have been late for that too.

mattpoxson avatar
Geeky Meerkat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The roommate seems like the worst. So the friend group is angry at each other for their own mistake, but not towards OP. So while the group is angry, roommate decides to add fuel to the fire so the friend group can direct their anger at OP?

asakura_shaman avatar
Abby Parker
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I have issues with being late sometimes to meet my friends but that’s usually due to transport problems and I always let them know if I’m running behind but it’s never been anything like this. Definitely NTA. My mum actually used to do this with my dad before they separated 😆 he still occasionally runs late lol.

george-smith-896 avatar
Devin Singh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I grew up in a very stressful household where my dad was the only one allowed to be late to anything. But if any of his family was even 30 seconds late he'd lose his s**t. So that's carried over into my adult life. I'm incredibly anxious about being punctual, so when my friends aren't, I used to stress about it really hard. Now I just do what OP does. Tell them everything is 30mins earlier than it actually is. They get it. No hard feelings.

zoe_duddle avatar
Zoe Duddle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find it difficult because my friends are always late to social events. I understand why when it's at somewhere like a pub, because everyone they know is and no-one wants to be the first one there, but it means that I have no idea when to turn up. I tend to try for about 15mins late but I'm still sometimes there another 20mins on my own. My husband likes to arrive early or at the very, very latest bang on time for events, no matter how many times I tell him that no-one else we know does that. It's not a problem if it's at somewhere like a pub as we can just hang out together until the others turn up, the problem is when it's at someone's house. He still makes us turn up at the time said and we are the first ones there, sitting around awkwardly with at least twice the host having only just got out of the shower and still in a towel and hair turban. It's weird for everyone. I know it's their fault but we are both very introverted people and we just sit them absolutely dying with cringe.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's with the strange aversion to not wanting to be the first to show up? If it gonna be like that, do yourselves a favor and don't bother going.

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Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to always be tardy but realized how it was affecting others so I trained myself to be early. (Just don't be like my mother and set all the clocks in the house back 20 minutes!) In my experience, "friends" who are constantly late seem like they're trying to get out of their commitments (and possibly friendships) anyway.

arthursmallidge avatar
Boblawblaslawblog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Setting the clocks back will always make you late. Set them forward if you want to be on time

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Joyce Blodgett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a chronic "always early, refuse to be late" person, have been so all my life. I worked for 52 years prior to retirement, and in all that time, was late less than 10 times, typically due to weather where I lived at the time (very heavy winter snows and unexpected storms). I just cannot stand to be late, and find it incredibly rude of those who are chronically so, as one of my friends always is. I love them, but cannot tolerate the constant late start to literally everything.

debndean241 avatar
Some guy
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife has always done this with her kids, and it worked like a charm until they caught on. But none of them ever got offended.

bluemom2017 avatar
Pamela Blue
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a couple of short friendships like that. Note the tense "had." I cannot stay friends with someone who disrespects me so much that they can't be bothered to show up on time. I will wait for 10 minutes - max. Unless I get a text or phone call with a reason why they're late, that's the last time I will ever meet them.

rodfergie avatar
Roddfergg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A old friend I play golf with I always tell him the tee time is 15-20 minutes earlier. He has still barely made it for years.

tarsa13 avatar
CL Rowan
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Time for the bimbo's~~and that's the vibe they give~~to grow up! They wanna complain because they were shown how easy it is to be somewhere on time? That's *their* problem, no one else's. How's the one who wants to be a mom going to function when she has her baby late to every Dr's appointment, the photohrapher, PLAYDATES AND PRESCHOOL??? Baby will pay the price. Bunch of narcissists.

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Skorm Carter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're friends are a bunch of morons and I feel really bad for their future bastards.

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thor
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom is somewhat late when she leaves so the car clock's are ahead by a few minutes. Even the car I drive is ahead. I honestly like it more knowing I won't be late when I look at the clock

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Marian-Mina Mihai
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, you are. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese". I absolutely hate it when I get a cab to be somewhere on time, just for the people I meet with (that are punctual and extremist about it) to meet me with a: "Let's have a coffee first" or simply being unproductive in the amount of time it would take for me to take a bus. In my city (and country, in general) public transport doesn't have a fixed schedule, so I usually get late because I wait for public transport. I like people who are late, because it leaves room for flexibility. Especially when doing something for fun. I 'm gonna go out to have fun not to be on (your) time. Also, whenever I get somewhere earlier than I should, I wonder around until the time I'm supposed to get there, just so I don't get earlier. So yeah, my two cents. Hate my opinion as much as you want, as I hate yours, too.

davejohnson1269 avatar
David Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife is notoriously late and it drives me crazy. We talked about it and I now ‘lie’ to her about arrival times so that we can try to get places on time. I joke that we’re in central time but she operates on pacific time so tell her 2 hours earlier. NTA. As a person that gets anxiety when I’m late, I’d do exactly the same thing as OP

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E Talavera
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They would not be my friends for long, hate that type of ppl.

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Jen “SFJenn” Fogcity
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have some friends who are usually late. I will make the time about half an hour earlier so they show up on time. I never ever tell them about it. If OP told them she sets up the time for earlier they should wake up. It's because they're always late. They're not mad at her but mad at themselves and took it out on her. I hate people who flake and are always late. It's rude. It shows you that they are more focused on themselves and think the friendship evolves around them. I've had to drop a couple of friends who wete late for special events and time sensitive stuff. I stopped inviting them. But if you want to keep these friendships just don't say anything and set up the time for earlier.

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Jay
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One thing though, if she gave an earlier time and they came late without consequences, it would affirm their belief that being late is fine. While her friends should probably strive to be better/more punctual. I wonder if instead of telling them what time it is, she should instead tell them what time to head out and hence avoid the lie.

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Janice Parks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes I wonder if being late is a result of a lifetime of anxiety. Or maybe it’s a control issue… or a mashup of both. Some people have an anxiety about being left out. Maybe you could find another friend who never misses out and who has an easy laugh. It can help relieve you of the need to stress out about them being late. You may not even realize they’re not there! You can say things like, “We decided to go on in” “We decided to order” “We decided to change up the plan as another opportunity presented itself… yes, we tried to call you!” It might take a few times and some people will always be hopeless but at least you won’t waste your life trying to get someone to show up.

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Lori Rommel
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to have to set my watch and clocks 10 minutes fast so I could get my son's dad to get a move on. I would've had to set them an hour fast to get him to be actually on time, but he would have noticed.

codyhill avatar
Cody Hill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Probably still live with mom and dad honestly I don't many jobs that wouldn't eventually fire you for being late constantly. Training as a Nurse you can't even be 5minutes late without getting written up.

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MalP
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've done this with one friend set. It worked wonders for having a good time. Never told them tho...

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karma rose
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't understand how the always late friends don't feel any shame at all in this situation. These people are so consistently late that op had to fib about the schedule. They only got seated at places fast because they were on time you would so you would think that would teach them a lesson. Think of all the time op had to wait on them throughout their friendship and they're mad because one time op got to do a few things on time for once because she harmlessly tricked them?

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Jo Firth
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People who chronically run late are silently pointing out that they think they're more important than those waiting for them.

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Kathleen Pearlman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always leave early because I get lost easily. I've been known to get lost not even a mile from home. I was half an hour late to a dentist's appointment because I turned left rather than right - or right instead of left, I don't remember. I leave even earlier now, because I still forget how to get there. I live in NJ, where everybody seems to think a little late is better than a little early.

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Mary Brizendine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was married to my husband for 44 years, who was of the philosophy that he'd rather be 30 minutes early than 5 minutes late. My daughters would find him sitting outside their homes waiting for the correct time. His daughter, my step-daughter, was perpetually late. She would show up for dinner and hour late then b*tch that the food was cold. So we got to the point where we would tell her to be there an hour earlier and she might just make it on time.

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Albino
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex was like that. I didn't mind most times, when he said he'd be there at two I expected 2:30 and it worked. Then again, when it was important (starting time) he'd be early, or if it was otherwise important I'd tell him and he'd be there early. I don't think he was actually ever on time. Either early or late.

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Nannis Goatis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom did this with my sister, & my husband seemed to think a 1:00 lunch, that's when you leave. NTA You need new friends!

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Markus It/Its
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone who is often late and also very stressed about being late, this is actually a great idea. If I manage to arrive before everyone else gets there, that's cool, I can wait. If I'm late, I'm letting people down. This is a smart and helpful way of solving this problem

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Lara Verne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA and don't wait for them. They're in their 30s, they should grow up. And if they don't, find better friends.

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Lunar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went to a trip with friends few years ago and I swear I would not go on any trip with this particular friend anymore. We were on a shared tour and thus time punctuality is important yet she always late and even said oh, let the others wait. No more next time.

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Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely NTA! I cannot tolerate being late. I always arrive early to where I need to be and really can't tolerate chronic lateness with others. It's insulting to keep people waiting when you're supposed to be somewhere at a set time. They wouldn't last long as my friends.

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Lara Kristelle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was always the early bird until I got tired of being early for the same reason, so now I'm the one that's late. Yet being late bugs me, so I just try to arrive on time. My turning point was when a friend of mine made me wait two f c k i n g hours on a really tiring day. I almost passed out in the shopping mall.

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Yu Pan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My friend and I are often late when meeting up with each other and neither of us takes offense of that. But when it comes to something more strict (restaurant reservation, concerts, flights, trains), we are always on time or even hours before.

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Marilyn Russell
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her “friends” are very rude and disrespectful. Don’t wait until you are 50 like I did to set you boundaries of what you will or will not tolerate. And it is not your responsibility to monitor or fix other people’s behaviour. They are adults and it can be exhausting. I also know this from too much experience. If the miss a flight or something, that’s their responsibility to learn the consequences of their inactions.

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Stacey Rae
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was going through a custody dispute the psychologist involved loved my ex who was always late for appointments. I was told that I was afraid of confrontation for always being on time. Like, wtf.

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Chauncy Franklin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. My ex was always late. Sunday morning I would get the kids fed, bathed and dressed for church. All he had to do is take care of himself. I hated walking into church late so I would leave and he came in late on his own. Don’t even get me started on school days.

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Kainaath Khan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I do this all the time with my immediate family, none of them are good at time management and are always later by 15 20 mins. So I there is an appointment or meeting I will give them half hour earlier time so that they are on or 2- 3 mins before time.

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Cavern Gill-Vernon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeh, I was that arsehole. My friends would tell me to arrive half an hour earlier than they were going. I'd still be late (in my defence, I had health issues and would always leave thing to the last minute to go out in case stuff happened) but it worked. Now, I'm early for everything. Including work

tiswat avatar
Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. But you can simply make a sort of joke out of it. I have difficulty being in time as well (I’m training to be in time but not always succesful). I always say to people ‘Take a Helen-time for this occasion, I need it haha’. Simply say you love them and this is the easiest way to plan things. You know them well enough that they don’t do this on purpose and this way you take into account their little weaknesses. You happy, they happy. What you don’t know won’t hurt you right? Then they can take into account your weaknesses and be considerate about each others strong/weak points.

mfaby avatar
Mark Faby
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Anyone older than, say, 25 and is *still* chronically late is a manipulative jerk ESPECIALLY if they acknowledge that they have this problem. Chronic lateness is a sign of disrespect to the others involved. I had a friend who was always late to meet up, ALWAYS. I finally got so fed up with his actions I decided to arive late just so he can see what it's like. I showed up 45 minutes after the agreed time only to have him show 15 minutes after me, meaning a hour late. That was the last time I did anything with him.

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Olïvër Keemäïne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I actually think aknowlegeding an issue and working to get it under control on their own is okay. I think they're a jerk if they don't aknowledge the issue and always blame others or don't care at all to work on it/find strategies. If they can take fault and know it's a problem and want to work on it; I don't think their bad- You can't fix something without first identifying it as an issue. If they make no effort, then yes. But how is anyone supposed to get better at anything without aknowlegeding they have an issue with it?

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Justme
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Most people learn how to be on time by this age. I wouldn’t parent them or try to wrangle them. Let them be late. If dinner is at 7pm and they don’t make it in time - they don’t get to join you for dinner. They’ll either start being on time or they’ll stop joining you.

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Jasmine
Community Member
1 year ago

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We have a similar friends group with one being overpunctual and the rest (me included) is more chaotic. Not at the extreme like missing flights and stuff. But i find it sad how people seem to only see one side of this. Being on vacation means taking things easy, we stress enough in our daily life. And as some are assuming, no it doesn't mean you can't be reliable or that you're spoiled! It is a choice to not be stressed out on your vacation and constantly checking the time. We are spontaneous tho when we are going somewhere and don't make reservations either.

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