Teen Dresses Up Like Her Dad And Starts Imitating Him To Show Him How Insufferable He’s Being, Family Drama Ensues
No matter how healthy your family dynamics may be, tensions and quarrels between you and your loved ones are inevitable. Take chores, for example, a delicate subject in many households. Some people often wind up doing the bulk of the housework — from cooking to cleaning to looking after the kids — while others glide through life without having to lift a finger. Even if their slack can be justified by the amount of time they spend working, it’s still exhausting.
One thing, however, that makes matters even more complicated is when they constantly complain about the quality of the chores. This is precisely what happened to one Redditor who recently shared her confession on the AITA community. As the 16-year-old teen detailed, she was feeling sick and tired of how her dad acts around the house, especially how he speaks to her mom and siblings when he returns from work.
“My dad just gets home at the end of the day and literally complains about everything, like how the carpet isn’t clean or how the food is cold,” the teen wrote. In an attempt to show how his actions look from the outside, she devised an elaborate plan involving a suit, black tape, and some good acting skills. Scroll down to read the story in full, as well as the reactions that followed, and be sure to weigh in on the discussion in the comments!
Recently, this teen shared how she felt annoyed with her dad’s complaints about the state of the house whenever he returns from work
Image credits: cottonbro (not the actual photo)
So she decided to make an impression of his rude behaviors to make a point
Image credits: cottonbro (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Malachi Cowie (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throwaway61565
The story caused quite a stir in the AITA community, where the vast majority of readers overwhelmingly sided with the teen and applauded her efforts. As the commenters stated, even when her dad wasn’t a big fan of her stunt, the daughter brought his negative patterns and unhealthy behaviors to light and did him and the rest of the family a favor.
However, these kinds of situations are more common than you’d think. According to Pew Research Center, more than 11 million parents (18%) considered themselves stay-at-home moms or dads in 2016. Traditionally, their role and responsibilities include child and family care and housework, like cooking meals, cleaning, laundry, house maintenance, and grocery shopping. While this might make sense since they are the ones who spend most of their time at home, many struggle to keep up.
It seems that the idea that being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job is becoming a thing of the past. A survey commissioned by Welch’s found that mothers work an average of 14 hours a day or a 98-hour workweek — the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs caring for their children. The survey looked at 2,000 US moms with children aged 5 to 12 and revealed that, on average, they started their duties at 6:23 a.m. and ended the day at 8:31 p.m., with only 1.7 hours of free time in between.
Of course, every family is different. But the key to maintaining healthy family dynamics when one parent is a stay-at-home mom and another goes off to work is expectation management and empathy. Something that, unfortunately, was not the case in this situation.
To gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to Judy Bartkowiak, a family therapist, coach, and author of Understanding Children and Teens. “This may not be a popular opinion but my feeling is that by allowing her husband or partner to be so rude, especially in front of the children, mom is allowing herself to be abused and showing her children that this is acceptable behavior,” Bartkowiak told Bored Panda.
According to the family therapist, this gives a harmful example for the daughter who might have the same expectations in the future — to “not be respected and appreciated when it comes to her time.”
Bartkowiak believes that moms should recognize these harmful patterns: “If they wouldn’t want their daughter treated like this, it also isn’t OK for them to allow it themselves. A male child will similarly think it’s OK to treat their wife like this. Parents are role models for children and need to think about what they are communicating.”
Speaking of the teen’s spot-on impression of her father, Bartkowiak said this behavior has a name. “We therapists call it ‘Coaching with Humor’ and it was identified by Frank Farrelly who named it Provocative Therapy. The idea of it is to mark out the behavior in a humorous way, thereby drawing attention to it with warmth despite the underlying message that this behavior is not acceptable,” she explained.
“I think this was a very wise strategy because, as children, it isn’t their place to reprimand their dad but as mom wasn’t doing anything about it herself, at least they were showing their feelings. Hopefully, dad will reflect on it and change his ways. Telling him off might have simply made him angry and defensive and the message would not have landed,” Bartkowiak added.
To parents finding themselves in similar situations at home, Bartkowiak advised you to think about how you’re showing your kids healthy boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. “They learn from you on a day-to-day basis, and many children and teens I coach really struggle with boundaries.”
However, parents can help children with this by saying ‘no’ and being consistent. “This gives more value to their ‘yes,'” the family therapist explained. “These children have been made to feel awkward and uncomfortable because their mom is unable to express her boundary of what is OK and what is rude and ungracious. Of course, dad needs to relax when he comes home, but the criticism is abusive and uncalled for. Mom should speak up for herself so the kids don’t have to,” Bartkowiak concluded.
If you’d like to hear more wise words from Bartkowiak or book a free 30-minute session on any topic, be sure to reach out right here.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this matter down below. Do you justify the daughter’s actions to hold up the mirror to her dad’s behaviors? Or did she go a tad too far and there could be better solutions to finding a way out of this situation? Feel free to share your thoughts with us in the comments!
Readers overwhelmingly sided with the daughter in this story, here’s what they had to say
Before anything, I want to make perfectly clear that I was raised under the outdated uber-machismo belief that a man's home is his castle, and that so long as you live under his roof you abide by his rules even if those rules were set down by King S**t of A*****e Mountain. Having said that, OP is NTA for the very simple reason that even her youngest sibling recognized the poor behavior as belonging to only one specific member of the Royal Family, and you know what they say: "Out of the mouth of babes comes the truth." Because even if you are king of your own castle, OP's father absolutely have the choice to be a GOOD king, one who sets good examples for his royal subjects, and him not choosing to do that lays the blame completely and solely on his feet.
That's not his goddamn castle. That's a family home.
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I was terrified reading that, waiting for the father to explode in a tirade of vicious verbal abuse..then I remembered that this isn't my post.. In my experience, people who are so critical and negative rarely have insight or humility about the effect they have upon those around them (particularly those who love them!).
My dad would have cussed, broke things, and threw the biggest, most violent tantrum if I ever pulled this...
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When the truth is literally in your face, it's a tough pill to swallow. Very few ppl can face the truth about themselves and change if need be.
Dang, that dad is a self absorbed snowflake who probably is bullied at work all day and takes it out on his family when he gets home. He’s not happy in his life and he doesn’t want his family to be happy either.
What I thought. He hates his job and resents the family who he believes is the reason he needs to keep doing something he hates. The old “come home and kick the dog” routine. Horrible situation for the family.
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When I was little my dad worked a job where he had to travel quite a bit. He'd be gone sometimes 5 or six days straight. When he was home it was his thing to mow and do yard work. My mom has always handled everything else. Now in his 70's he still works for something to do. Nothing hard or stressful, basically just busy work for half the week. He does absolutely nothing around the house now. His routine is eat,sleep,s**t,repeat. I'm no longer able to work a public job so I do all the yard stuff and maintenance around the house as well as taking a much load of mom as I can while dad acts like he's living in a bnb. It infuriates me when he won't lift a finger to help mom or wants to complain about how he feels while everyone else takes a backseat. I don't understand the logic of expecting others to do everything for you while you sit as a spectator. I truly feel for others that have fathers like this.
If you feel invalidated by a mirror, it's not the mirror that needs to change.
I have so much anxiety reading this because this was my house growing up and if I did even one second of this there would be absolute hell to pay. Like poking a bear.
If he were a single person would his house magically clean itself while he works? Why does a paycheck automatically absolve him from helping out with chores in a home HE lives in as well? Why does marrying someone automatically grant him free maid service and free chef? My job as a stay at home mom is to care for the children. They can't supervise themselves and raise themselves. As for the chores, Everyone who lives in the home should care for the home.
OP is amazing. I could never do that myself. My dad would have killed me.
The therapist bartowiak had some victim blaming going on with the mom. While stating your boundaries is important , the responsibility for the behavior lies with the abuser, dad. Seems like a sexist perspective, how do you know mom isn’t standing up for herself , she mentioned listening to fights from parents, to me it sounds like dad doesn’t listen to boundaries
Exactly!! I grew up in a household exactly like this and my Mom didn't know her worth because she was so torn down. Victim blaming and shaming is never the answer.
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Honestly Dude Deserved To Be MOCKED. He Clearly Is A JOKE. If All You Do Is Go To A 9-5 Job Then Come Home Sit On Your A**e And Complain About Someone Elses Hard Work And Effort; That You CLEARLY Dont Help With, You Have NO RIGHT To Complain. And As The Saying Goes, "If You Want Something Done Right, DO IT YOURSELF." This "Father" Should Learn That. My Dad Was A COP. And Worked HORRID Hours. Literally He Could Be Called On Duty At 12AM Or At ANY Time In The Day Or Night Irregardless Of If It Was His Day Off Or Not. His LIFE Was On The Line EVERY SINGLE TIME He Put On His Uniform Just Because Of People Who Hate Cops Regardless Of If They're Good Ones Like My Dad Was Or Not. And Despite My Dad CONSTANTLY Working Hard At ALL Hours With MANY Days And Nights Of Overtime; When He Got Home He STILL Had A Kiss And Loving Embrace For My Mom, A Thank You For Her Work And Making Him A Meal; And Time For ALL THREE Of Us Kids No Matter If It Was A Need Of Help With Homework OR To Talk About Life.
Thankfully Hes Retired Now And Does Security At A College. After The Racial Tensions Caused By Recent Cop Brutality Thats Basically Been Ignored By The Courts My Dad Decided To Take A Stand And Left The Force Simply Because As He Said He No Longer Felt Like Risking His Life For An Organization That No Longer Lived Up To The Ideals Of Honor And Serving And Protecting The People That Were The Reason He Became A Cop In The First Place After He Finished In The Military. And Despite Being A Macho Man Whos Built Like A Tank; He Has The Sensitivity To Appreciate The Flowers My Mom Grows All Around The House, AND Cooks And Cleans For Her When Its Clear She Just Needs A "Girls Day". Hell Even Give Her Shoulder Massages As Best He Can Just To Show Her How Much She Means To Him. It Takes VERY LITTLE To Be Humble And Show People You Value Their Efforts And Care Of You. This "Father" Should Learn That Lesson. Cause This Warped Antiquated Societal Idea This Dude Portrays Is Disgusting And Pathetic.
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Nta and wow a lot of these comments are scary. Of course you need to share housework even if one parent is at home (regardless of gender). I'm a firm believer that the parent at home is responsible for children (and housework that can be done while still prioritize those children) while the other parent works outside the home. As soon as both parents are home you share 50/50. Both parenting and housework. (And split income evenly regardless who is the "breadwinner") That will cause less stress for everyone. Being home with your kids should not mean working 24/7. I've been the one at home (parental leave for a couple yrs) and I'm currently the one working full time while my husband do the majority of taking care of kids and housework (as he only works part time outside the home). I would never come home and expect dinner ready and a spotless home. As I didn't want my husband to expect that when I was at home. You decide to have kids together - you share responsibility.
Of course this performance INVALIDATED his behavior- that was the point! His behavior was not valid, it was TOXIC! What a blazing a*****e. No, a man is NOT the "king" of "his" castle. The home belongs to the whole family and everyone is owed mutual respect. Mom needs to go on strike and let him do his own laundry and cooking for a while to teach him a lesson.
Teen is NTA, and it proven / verified by the little one saying "it's daddy". So the ten was spot on. He had zero right to be mad at the teen. He should be able to see he's being called out on his abusive behavior. The c**p about how hard he works is garbage too, because he's implying the SAHM doesn't work hard. She probably does 10 times more than him, and he complaining like the world revolves around him. He sounds like an abusive spiked baby. Mom and kids would likely be better off without him
My husband does this exact thing and have picked him upon it many times not an arsehole dad obviously needed a kick in the butt
Definitely NTA. It's kinda ridiculous just how long it took the dad to figure out that she was imitating HIM. Mom knew and even little sibling realized. Maybe it shouldn't have been her *first* choice of action, but oh wait, it *wasn't.* She already explained how she had tried to talk to him about it multiple times prior, trying her best to explain their side of things and how he came off to them. He just wouldn't hear it. What honestly speaks volumes to me is how the dad got so quiet. If he didn't believe that the act was a true representation of him, the two most sensible responses would be humor, such as "haha, very funny," or denial, saying something along the lines of "hey now, that's a total exaggeration!" I personally took his silence as realization and, ultimately, guilt. Granted, I wasn't there, but I've been around the block a time or two when it comes to family drama and dynamics. (1/5)
While this is mainly an issue between mom and dad, it's clearly not kept as such. Of course parents are going to have arguments in front of their kids – they're human, not parental gods. Nobody's perfect. But there's a difference between occasional disputes and constant hounding and berating. If nothing else, when children see mom and dad fight, mom and dad can, at the least, apologize for their behavior and make sure that it's clear that the issue was resolved peacefully – bonus points if they get to see the argument reach said resolution. It's important for kids to see conflict management directly in a safe environment with trusted people. Even if there is no real compromise or resolution, parents can still make a show of apologizing to one another, like "I'm sorry I acted that way. I've just been really stressed with xyz recently and I took my anger out on you," or "hey, I'm sorry I came off so curt. I didn't mean to upset you/make a big blow up of this." (2/5)
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NTA: this is actually a sorta common thing to do in reguards to family/couple therapy. Have each party act like the other (or how they see the other) so each party can see how they look in the others eyes. She showed her dad how she sees him She never meant disrespect
NTA here. Sometimes people get so set and comfortable in a routine, no matter how dysfunctional, that only an outside influence can make someone see it. I hope that the daughter does apologize for hurting his feelings, but not for pointing out his behaviour. I also hope dad apologizes to the family for his attitude and how he made them feel. I also hope that the mother apologizes to the family for not taking control of this situation earlier and insisting on some help from the dad, rather than being part of the reason things devolved to this point. I think that if this family uses this opportunity to change their entire dynamic, it will be a stronger unit entirely.
Tbh I dont think she should apologise at all. His feefees got hurt because his daughter showed him how he is hurting her, the moms and the siblings feelings every single day. Its his problem that he started to begin with. Apologising would ruin the impact it had.
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When people complain like this, it's usually a sign that they're unhappy with life in general; and don't know what to do. So they snipe at the people around them. My mom used to pull the same thing with my dad; even though my dad worked. He worked overnight shift, and would sleep during the day. She'd come home and start throwing a fit if coffee wasn't made and the house wasn't clean etc. She was just unhappy, period. They wound up divorced and she regretted it deeply later.
then they need to find a better outlet than hurting the people around them
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I was raised in an abusive household and honestly this sounds more like an entitled kid. I mean if the father is so awful why didn't he take away her internet or anything?
Lol, this little girl will probably act the same way when she has to actually work.
As a current 18 year old that had a father just like this, I side with the teen. Only problem is, when I stood up like that I got kicked out of the house, and had to fly to my mom's house, because they weren't together anymore because of how he treats everyone. Even my grandma doesn't like him. It makes me really happy to see someone show their parents how they are wrong when they just won't understand simple conversations. You go girl, I'm proud of you
Getting a vasectomy. I hate messy people and don't want children. Messy just means lazy. I have been through traumatic experiences but you don't see me wanting to live in my own filth. In all actuality this kid is an entitled privileged brat who has first world issues and doesn't get enough discipline to clean up their own mess.
Its kind of brilliant really. Sometimes people need to take a little of their own medicine to realize just how insufferable they are being. Make sure he knows its about his attitude and behavior at home that is the issue and not that he isn't appreciated. Honestly it sounds like he's more embarrassed than anything and that is a good sign.
I'm disgusted that the family therapist in this article completely blamed the mother for the fathers behavior. She called the fathers behavior abusive then blamed the mother for not stopping her own abuse. I would think that a family therapist would know that it's not okay to victim blame. Also, the family therapist said almost nothing about how the father needs to stop being abusive. She went on and on about how his behavior harms children but never held him responsible for the harm he's causing his children. What kind of family therapist holds an abuse victim completely responsible for being abused without even mentioning the responsibility their abuser has for his own actions? People who think like this should never be allowed to "help" anyone else with mental health related issues. This family therapist makes makes mental health care providers look bad and should be ashamed of herself.
yeah you are the a*s just a stupid kid that doesn't understand what kind of pressure a sole bread winner goes through and being a sahm isn't that hard especially if the kids are at school for the majority of the day. A working mother has it worst when she is expected to still do all the cooking and cleaning and such
She’s definitely the a-hole. That teen can get her own career, buy her own house, and pay all her own bills and ONLY THEN can she be this way. Until then, STFU you’re a teenager living free under someone else’s roof, you insufferable little tw@t h0e. Budding trash feminism at it’s finest. 🤦♂️👎
I've believed for a very long time that sometimes the only thing that gets through to some people is to do to them what they do to you. She's NTA--she said she'd tried talking to him about it & it didn't work. She stepped up her game & that's what made him see the truth. Sucks for him that it 'hurt his feelings' but if it's a daily occurrence that she lives with, oh well. I'm sure he's gotten over it, and hopefully learned from it & changed his ways. Sounds like a toxic household if he hasn't
Sounds like the kid is over exaggerating if he was that bad wouldn't he have grounded her or taken away her internet?
Wow! Times have changed.. I did something similar once.. I got the strap.. the fact he just left to go outside, atleast means he's thinking, ya just gotta make sure he ain't on a negative train of thought.. communication is key..this is an easy fix from here.. lucky kid.
Reading this reminded me how privileged kids are nowadays. I only wish I could've pulled this off when I was a teen. I'm an 80's baby and I know people are gonna say it was different back then. "NO" it's the same just more expensive 2 live now. If I know my dad is a complainer, why not give him less to complain about. Because I'm going to want extra stuff other than what he already provides. So when I go to ask for a $1,000 iPhone as a teen they are more inclined to say yes rather than no cause I've been doing my part in the house. Like Cleaning up after myself. It sounds like mom didn't lay down ground rules of what she doesn't DO before she layed down and had YOU. Example: like run your own bath water, the food done press button to heat up etc. Blame mom too cause she finds your joke FUNNY and your "FEELINGS" matter remember. People take the word SLAVE very lightly. I want the dad's side in the preparation of adulthood. Just my thought and opinions.
The dad is teaching the kids to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I was a 70s and 80s kid and got hand me downs. My family was still like this. No excuses for toxic behavior. Many breadwinners unfortunately think that because they are bringing in the money means it gives them the right to act like grown children. He could hire a cook and maid and pay that expense so she can go out to work and make her own money since he clearly doesn't appreciate her.
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A core thing that current generations and the ones after can start doing to alleviate some of this is discussing and communicating actual expectations in a relationship. And reevaluating that as a relationship develops. Do I want a baby? Do I want baby? Do I want to be a SAHS? Do I want to provide for a SAHS. How long am I okay with this arrangement? How long is my partner okay with it? What will responsibilities actually be? Being honest about capabilities and desires goes a long way. OPs Dad sounds like he's acting out because his vision of how this should go hasn't occurred but unfortunately he's 1 SAHM wife and from what I can gather at least 3 kids in. At this point choices are lacking. What I've learned is speak up. Socially you may take it up front but it is immensely less resource intensive, emotionally, physically and financially to say nope I don't want to. Now that doesn't mean it'll happen. But its out there and the calculus is known.
I fully agree with you. It's interesting how we often expect others to just KNOW what we want or expect, but people aren't mind readers – no matter how close you are or how long you've been together. I think communication (or rather, the lack thereof) in all manner of relationships is absolutely key in said relationship's survival.
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Assholes don’t like looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection of their true behaviour. Sometimes I try to show my husband how insufferable he can be, and mirror his behaviour, but it never works out as planned. He just gets madder and doubles down on his jerkiness. But it makes me feel a bit better because I’m getting a bit of my own back. It can be hard living with someone who is out of touch with their emotions and can’t exercise control and show respect to those closest to them. They just act this way because they are angry at themselves. Doesn’t make it any easier to be constantly exposed to negativity and anger. It’s demoralizing.
She said she tried bringing it up before too and he dismissed her every time. Definitely nta.
Very brave of the daughter, and a well deserved relief of the others involved! However, I think that dad needs to be understood as well. He should acknowledge the others and learn to express himself better. Maybe he needs acknowledgement as well? It is also okay to be dissatisfied, but for the right reasons and communicated the right way. I realize the daughter already tried to initiate this, but he has his beliefs of what is expected of him and others, it has to be understood and respected the same. He should be challenged on these beliefs. It doesn't make him a bad person or an agent of evil. In this case it seems the daughter is quite reasonable and capable, I would guess the same about the father then. And I agree with the therapist, this is the parents responsibility. Best of luck! Submit to my will, undermining and exaggeration is toxic. Understanding, compassion, cooperation and engagement is not. Protect yourself and others with enlightenment. Show mercy, not sacrifice.
Sounds like something from a sitcom you'd have seen on Fox in the early 90s.
Mom's reaction is very telling, and validates hubs beliefs and actions (only to him). She must know what an incredibly small man he truly is, and takes his abuse in the hopes it will puff him up enough that he can perform later.
When my DH did the equivalent to me, he compaline that this were going badly at work. So I said to him " Just TALK to me?" He'd then walk in, tell me a long list of what he did that day, then walk out and STILL put the gramophone on, turn the TV to something nobody else wanted to watch, and then sit down and read. It took going to councelling to wake him up! (Apparently HE thought he was 'protecting me!!!! :-)
How about instead of being a condescending, entitled little prick you get ur s**t together and help around the house more that ur parents work their a*s of for you...
First of all kudos to the father for not reacting poorly. Despite feeling attacked and ridiculed, he distanced himself and took the time to collect his thoughts and convey his feelings through words. So if he has that much self-control, what explains the behavior that caused a reaction? He probably feels as though he is carrying most of the burden for his family and they don't pull their own weight, despite the perception of the storyteller that they at least try to. His method isn't the best way to behave, but we don't know what else he has tried to enact change. We know it isn't as bad as what he could do. We can't know the truth, but perhaps rather than being disrespectful to a man who is at least trying his best to own up to his obligations, maybe try a little more to address his complaints or get to the bottom of what else might be bothering him? Maybe he hates his job but rather than tell off his boss or quit and put his family in the unemployment line, he vents at home?
I get why she did it and I agree his behavior is disfunctional. But, unlike nearly 100% of commenters apparently, I don't think mockery is a good way to go when trying to communicate with someone, certainly not in the opening conversation. However, there maybe back story about her trying to speak with him about these issues and he not listening, that she didn't mention.
I agree that if that had been her first option, it certainly wouldn't have been the best one. That said, it was clearly stated in the post by OP that she had attempted talking it out with him before with no luck. "I tried talking to him to get him to see how his behavior is but to no avail." I applaud her creativity here honestly, and while she may still owe her father an apology (just as he owes them all one) for potentially hurting his feelings, I can't say it was 100% the right or wrong thing to do in this situation, given the information provided. She's still a kid, so she's still figuring out how to manage conflict in relationships, and as the adult, it's his job to lead by example and guide her so that when she's his age, possibly with a family of her own, she'll have learned a thing or two and will make better/more well thought out decisions overall.
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Yea, you made your point, now time to make peace. "Sorry I wanted to make a point, but I might have gone too far. Hope I didn't hurt you." The point still stands but the relationship can be saved. You make the first move, even if you are in the right.
Pain is a reminder that whatever has caused us to feel hurt is a bad thing, and we need to stay away from it. You don't intentionally shut your fingers in doors, you don't intentionally fall flat on your face on a concrete pavement, so hopefully dad has felt enough pain to stop being such an entitled a*****e.
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The dad should just leave its obvious he gets zero respect. Coming home to a dirty house an no food or cold food when its someone's actual job to keep the place clean is unacceptable.
How do you know his cleanliness expectations are normal. My best friend was married to a man that would hit her because she didn't hang up towels "correctly" in the bathroom. She has always been one of the cleanest people I know and it was very unfair of her husband to have the expectations he did. I don't think we get the full picture here.
Load More Replies... Funny... Cause ppl tend to act as if SAHMs don't usually choose to be SAHMs as if they were forced to do so and they didn't choose that over going to work... Like someone else said here, I hope they could trade places and see how many SAHMs would enjoy working long hours to be the provider, not get to actually enjoy the money they make cause it provides everything, probably be taken for granted, and also come home to a house in chaos while somebody is home all day... I hope this Dad takes each day of the week and dresses up as each family member to show and mock their behavior the same way his was... And yeah, belittling the person who provides for the household is the right way to go...
You talk like there aren't single mothers out their raising their kids by themselves and working a job or two just to make ends meet.
Load More Replies... She needs to stay out of it. A child needs to learn, not direct parents. Too much entitlement these days.
Yeah and what exactly is the girl going to learn from her parents behaviour? That men are All assholes and moms need to obey? Dude get your mind straight. She saw a Problem and tried to solve it. The girl showed social intelligente, but I think you are only gnarly because You're the same type of Person as this s**t a*s dad.
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So the wife and kids should walk around on eggshells in their home because of dad's temper? The teen is supporting it by helping out mom and the younger siblings.
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Before anything, I want to make perfectly clear that I was raised under the outdated uber-machismo belief that a man's home is his castle, and that so long as you live under his roof you abide by his rules even if those rules were set down by King S**t of A*****e Mountain. Having said that, OP is NTA for the very simple reason that even her youngest sibling recognized the poor behavior as belonging to only one specific member of the Royal Family, and you know what they say: "Out of the mouth of babes comes the truth." Because even if you are king of your own castle, OP's father absolutely have the choice to be a GOOD king, one who sets good examples for his royal subjects, and him not choosing to do that lays the blame completely and solely on his feet.
That's not his goddamn castle. That's a family home.
Load More Replies... I was terrified reading that, waiting for the father to explode in a tirade of vicious verbal abuse..then I remembered that this isn't my post.. In my experience, people who are so critical and negative rarely have insight or humility about the effect they have upon those around them (particularly those who love them!).
My dad would have cussed, broke things, and threw the biggest, most violent tantrum if I ever pulled this...
Load More Replies... When the truth is literally in your face, it's a tough pill to swallow. Very few ppl can face the truth about themselves and change if need be.
Dang, that dad is a self absorbed snowflake who probably is bullied at work all day and takes it out on his family when he gets home. He’s not happy in his life and he doesn’t want his family to be happy either.
What I thought. He hates his job and resents the family who he believes is the reason he needs to keep doing something he hates. The old “come home and kick the dog” routine. Horrible situation for the family.
Load More Replies... When I was little my dad worked a job where he had to travel quite a bit. He'd be gone sometimes 5 or six days straight. When he was home it was his thing to mow and do yard work. My mom has always handled everything else. Now in his 70's he still works for something to do. Nothing hard or stressful, basically just busy work for half the week. He does absolutely nothing around the house now. His routine is eat,sleep,s**t,repeat. I'm no longer able to work a public job so I do all the yard stuff and maintenance around the house as well as taking a much load of mom as I can while dad acts like he's living in a bnb. It infuriates me when he won't lift a finger to help mom or wants to complain about how he feels while everyone else takes a backseat. I don't understand the logic of expecting others to do everything for you while you sit as a spectator. I truly feel for others that have fathers like this.
If you feel invalidated by a mirror, it's not the mirror that needs to change.
I have so much anxiety reading this because this was my house growing up and if I did even one second of this there would be absolute hell to pay. Like poking a bear.
If he were a single person would his house magically clean itself while he works? Why does a paycheck automatically absolve him from helping out with chores in a home HE lives in as well? Why does marrying someone automatically grant him free maid service and free chef? My job as a stay at home mom is to care for the children. They can't supervise themselves and raise themselves. As for the chores, Everyone who lives in the home should care for the home.
OP is amazing. I could never do that myself. My dad would have killed me.
The therapist bartowiak had some victim blaming going on with the mom. While stating your boundaries is important , the responsibility for the behavior lies with the abuser, dad. Seems like a sexist perspective, how do you know mom isn’t standing up for herself , she mentioned listening to fights from parents, to me it sounds like dad doesn’t listen to boundaries
Exactly!! I grew up in a household exactly like this and my Mom didn't know her worth because she was so torn down. Victim blaming and shaming is never the answer.
Load More Replies... Honestly Dude Deserved To Be MOCKED. He Clearly Is A JOKE. If All You Do Is Go To A 9-5 Job Then Come Home Sit On Your A**e And Complain About Someone Elses Hard Work And Effort; That You CLEARLY Dont Help With, You Have NO RIGHT To Complain. And As The Saying Goes, "If You Want Something Done Right, DO IT YOURSELF." This "Father" Should Learn That. My Dad Was A COP. And Worked HORRID Hours. Literally He Could Be Called On Duty At 12AM Or At ANY Time In The Day Or Night Irregardless Of If It Was His Day Off Or Not. His LIFE Was On The Line EVERY SINGLE TIME He Put On His Uniform Just Because Of People Who Hate Cops Regardless Of If They're Good Ones Like My Dad Was Or Not. And Despite My Dad CONSTANTLY Working Hard At ALL Hours With MANY Days And Nights Of Overtime; When He Got Home He STILL Had A Kiss And Loving Embrace For My Mom, A Thank You For Her Work And Making Him A Meal; And Time For ALL THREE Of Us Kids No Matter If It Was A Need Of Help With Homework OR To Talk About Life.
Thankfully Hes Retired Now And Does Security At A College. After The Racial Tensions Caused By Recent Cop Brutality Thats Basically Been Ignored By The Courts My Dad Decided To Take A Stand And Left The Force Simply Because As He Said He No Longer Felt Like Risking His Life For An Organization That No Longer Lived Up To The Ideals Of Honor And Serving And Protecting The People That Were The Reason He Became A Cop In The First Place After He Finished In The Military. And Despite Being A Macho Man Whos Built Like A Tank; He Has The Sensitivity To Appreciate The Flowers My Mom Grows All Around The House, AND Cooks And Cleans For Her When Its Clear She Just Needs A "Girls Day". Hell Even Give Her Shoulder Massages As Best He Can Just To Show Her How Much She Means To Him. It Takes VERY LITTLE To Be Humble And Show People You Value Their Efforts And Care Of You. This "Father" Should Learn That Lesson. Cause This Warped Antiquated Societal Idea This Dude Portrays Is Disgusting And Pathetic.
Load More Replies... Nta and wow a lot of these comments are scary. Of course you need to share housework even if one parent is at home (regardless of gender). I'm a firm believer that the parent at home is responsible for children (and housework that can be done while still prioritize those children) while the other parent works outside the home. As soon as both parents are home you share 50/50. Both parenting and housework. (And split income evenly regardless who is the "breadwinner") That will cause less stress for everyone. Being home with your kids should not mean working 24/7. I've been the one at home (parental leave for a couple yrs) and I'm currently the one working full time while my husband do the majority of taking care of kids and housework (as he only works part time outside the home). I would never come home and expect dinner ready and a spotless home. As I didn't want my husband to expect that when I was at home. You decide to have kids together - you share responsibility.
Of course this performance INVALIDATED his behavior- that was the point! His behavior was not valid, it was TOXIC! What a blazing a*****e. No, a man is NOT the "king" of "his" castle. The home belongs to the whole family and everyone is owed mutual respect. Mom needs to go on strike and let him do his own laundry and cooking for a while to teach him a lesson.
Teen is NTA, and it proven / verified by the little one saying "it's daddy". So the ten was spot on. He had zero right to be mad at the teen. He should be able to see he's being called out on his abusive behavior. The c**p about how hard he works is garbage too, because he's implying the SAHM doesn't work hard. She probably does 10 times more than him, and he complaining like the world revolves around him. He sounds like an abusive spiked baby. Mom and kids would likely be better off without him
My husband does this exact thing and have picked him upon it many times not an arsehole dad obviously needed a kick in the butt
Definitely NTA. It's kinda ridiculous just how long it took the dad to figure out that she was imitating HIM. Mom knew and even little sibling realized. Maybe it shouldn't have been her *first* choice of action, but oh wait, it *wasn't.* She already explained how she had tried to talk to him about it multiple times prior, trying her best to explain their side of things and how he came off to them. He just wouldn't hear it. What honestly speaks volumes to me is how the dad got so quiet. If he didn't believe that the act was a true representation of him, the two most sensible responses would be humor, such as "haha, very funny," or denial, saying something along the lines of "hey now, that's a total exaggeration!" I personally took his silence as realization and, ultimately, guilt. Granted, I wasn't there, but I've been around the block a time or two when it comes to family drama and dynamics. (1/5)
While this is mainly an issue between mom and dad, it's clearly not kept as such. Of course parents are going to have arguments in front of their kids – they're human, not parental gods. Nobody's perfect. But there's a difference between occasional disputes and constant hounding and berating. If nothing else, when children see mom and dad fight, mom and dad can, at the least, apologize for their behavior and make sure that it's clear that the issue was resolved peacefully – bonus points if they get to see the argument reach said resolution. It's important for kids to see conflict management directly in a safe environment with trusted people. Even if there is no real compromise or resolution, parents can still make a show of apologizing to one another, like "I'm sorry I acted that way. I've just been really stressed with xyz recently and I took my anger out on you," or "hey, I'm sorry I came off so curt. I didn't mean to upset you/make a big blow up of this." (2/5)
Load More Replies... NTA: this is actually a sorta common thing to do in reguards to family/couple therapy. Have each party act like the other (or how they see the other) so each party can see how they look in the others eyes. She showed her dad how she sees him She never meant disrespect
NTA here. Sometimes people get so set and comfortable in a routine, no matter how dysfunctional, that only an outside influence can make someone see it. I hope that the daughter does apologize for hurting his feelings, but not for pointing out his behaviour. I also hope dad apologizes to the family for his attitude and how he made them feel. I also hope that the mother apologizes to the family for not taking control of this situation earlier and insisting on some help from the dad, rather than being part of the reason things devolved to this point. I think that if this family uses this opportunity to change their entire dynamic, it will be a stronger unit entirely.
Tbh I dont think she should apologise at all. His feefees got hurt because his daughter showed him how he is hurting her, the moms and the siblings feelings every single day. Its his problem that he started to begin with. Apologising would ruin the impact it had.
Load More Replies... When people complain like this, it's usually a sign that they're unhappy with life in general; and don't know what to do. So they snipe at the people around them. My mom used to pull the same thing with my dad; even though my dad worked. He worked overnight shift, and would sleep during the day. She'd come home and start throwing a fit if coffee wasn't made and the house wasn't clean etc. She was just unhappy, period. They wound up divorced and she regretted it deeply later.
then they need to find a better outlet than hurting the people around them
Load More Replies... I was raised in an abusive household and honestly this sounds more like an entitled kid. I mean if the father is so awful why didn't he take away her internet or anything?
Lol, this little girl will probably act the same way when she has to actually work.
As a current 18 year old that had a father just like this, I side with the teen. Only problem is, when I stood up like that I got kicked out of the house, and had to fly to my mom's house, because they weren't together anymore because of how he treats everyone. Even my grandma doesn't like him. It makes me really happy to see someone show their parents how they are wrong when they just won't understand simple conversations. You go girl, I'm proud of you
Getting a vasectomy. I hate messy people and don't want children. Messy just means lazy. I have been through traumatic experiences but you don't see me wanting to live in my own filth. In all actuality this kid is an entitled privileged brat who has first world issues and doesn't get enough discipline to clean up their own mess.
Its kind of brilliant really. Sometimes people need to take a little of their own medicine to realize just how insufferable they are being. Make sure he knows its about his attitude and behavior at home that is the issue and not that he isn't appreciated. Honestly it sounds like he's more embarrassed than anything and that is a good sign.
I'm disgusted that the family therapist in this article completely blamed the mother for the fathers behavior. She called the fathers behavior abusive then blamed the mother for not stopping her own abuse. I would think that a family therapist would know that it's not okay to victim blame. Also, the family therapist said almost nothing about how the father needs to stop being abusive. She went on and on about how his behavior harms children but never held him responsible for the harm he's causing his children. What kind of family therapist holds an abuse victim completely responsible for being abused without even mentioning the responsibility their abuser has for his own actions? People who think like this should never be allowed to "help" anyone else with mental health related issues. This family therapist makes makes mental health care providers look bad and should be ashamed of herself.
yeah you are the a*s just a stupid kid that doesn't understand what kind of pressure a sole bread winner goes through and being a sahm isn't that hard especially if the kids are at school for the majority of the day. A working mother has it worst when she is expected to still do all the cooking and cleaning and such
She’s definitely the a-hole. That teen can get her own career, buy her own house, and pay all her own bills and ONLY THEN can she be this way. Until then, STFU you’re a teenager living free under someone else’s roof, you insufferable little tw@t h0e. Budding trash feminism at it’s finest. 🤦♂️👎
I've believed for a very long time that sometimes the only thing that gets through to some people is to do to them what they do to you. She's NTA--she said she'd tried talking to him about it & it didn't work. She stepped up her game & that's what made him see the truth. Sucks for him that it 'hurt his feelings' but if it's a daily occurrence that she lives with, oh well. I'm sure he's gotten over it, and hopefully learned from it & changed his ways. Sounds like a toxic household if he hasn't
Sounds like the kid is over exaggerating if he was that bad wouldn't he have grounded her or taken away her internet?
Wow! Times have changed.. I did something similar once.. I got the strap.. the fact he just left to go outside, atleast means he's thinking, ya just gotta make sure he ain't on a negative train of thought.. communication is key..this is an easy fix from here.. lucky kid.
Reading this reminded me how privileged kids are nowadays. I only wish I could've pulled this off when I was a teen. I'm an 80's baby and I know people are gonna say it was different back then. "NO" it's the same just more expensive 2 live now. If I know my dad is a complainer, why not give him less to complain about. Because I'm going to want extra stuff other than what he already provides. So when I go to ask for a $1,000 iPhone as a teen they are more inclined to say yes rather than no cause I've been doing my part in the house. Like Cleaning up after myself. It sounds like mom didn't lay down ground rules of what she doesn't DO before she layed down and had YOU. Example: like run your own bath water, the food done press button to heat up etc. Blame mom too cause she finds your joke FUNNY and your "FEELINGS" matter remember. People take the word SLAVE very lightly. I want the dad's side in the preparation of adulthood. Just my thought and opinions.
The dad is teaching the kids to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I was a 70s and 80s kid and got hand me downs. My family was still like this. No excuses for toxic behavior. Many breadwinners unfortunately think that because they are bringing in the money means it gives them the right to act like grown children. He could hire a cook and maid and pay that expense so she can go out to work and make her own money since he clearly doesn't appreciate her.
Load More Replies... A core thing that current generations and the ones after can start doing to alleviate some of this is discussing and communicating actual expectations in a relationship. And reevaluating that as a relationship develops. Do I want a baby? Do I want baby? Do I want to be a SAHS? Do I want to provide for a SAHS. How long am I okay with this arrangement? How long is my partner okay with it? What will responsibilities actually be? Being honest about capabilities and desires goes a long way. OPs Dad sounds like he's acting out because his vision of how this should go hasn't occurred but unfortunately he's 1 SAHM wife and from what I can gather at least 3 kids in. At this point choices are lacking. What I've learned is speak up. Socially you may take it up front but it is immensely less resource intensive, emotionally, physically and financially to say nope I don't want to. Now that doesn't mean it'll happen. But its out there and the calculus is known.
I fully agree with you. It's interesting how we often expect others to just KNOW what we want or expect, but people aren't mind readers – no matter how close you are or how long you've been together. I think communication (or rather, the lack thereof) in all manner of relationships is absolutely key in said relationship's survival.
Load More Replies... Assholes don’t like looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection of their true behaviour. Sometimes I try to show my husband how insufferable he can be, and mirror his behaviour, but it never works out as planned. He just gets madder and doubles down on his jerkiness. But it makes me feel a bit better because I’m getting a bit of my own back. It can be hard living with someone who is out of touch with their emotions and can’t exercise control and show respect to those closest to them. They just act this way because they are angry at themselves. Doesn’t make it any easier to be constantly exposed to negativity and anger. It’s demoralizing.
She said she tried bringing it up before too and he dismissed her every time. Definitely nta.
Very brave of the daughter, and a well deserved relief of the others involved! However, I think that dad needs to be understood as well. He should acknowledge the others and learn to express himself better. Maybe he needs acknowledgement as well? It is also okay to be dissatisfied, but for the right reasons and communicated the right way. I realize the daughter already tried to initiate this, but he has his beliefs of what is expected of him and others, it has to be understood and respected the same. He should be challenged on these beliefs. It doesn't make him a bad person or an agent of evil. In this case it seems the daughter is quite reasonable and capable, I would guess the same about the father then. And I agree with the therapist, this is the parents responsibility. Best of luck! Submit to my will, undermining and exaggeration is toxic. Understanding, compassion, cooperation and engagement is not. Protect yourself and others with enlightenment. Show mercy, not sacrifice.
Sounds like something from a sitcom you'd have seen on Fox in the early 90s.
Mom's reaction is very telling, and validates hubs beliefs and actions (only to him). She must know what an incredibly small man he truly is, and takes his abuse in the hopes it will puff him up enough that he can perform later.
When my DH did the equivalent to me, he compaline that this were going badly at work. So I said to him " Just TALK to me?" He'd then walk in, tell me a long list of what he did that day, then walk out and STILL put the gramophone on, turn the TV to something nobody else wanted to watch, and then sit down and read. It took going to councelling to wake him up! (Apparently HE thought he was 'protecting me!!!! :-)
How about instead of being a condescending, entitled little prick you get ur s**t together and help around the house more that ur parents work their a*s of for you...
First of all kudos to the father for not reacting poorly. Despite feeling attacked and ridiculed, he distanced himself and took the time to collect his thoughts and convey his feelings through words. So if he has that much self-control, what explains the behavior that caused a reaction? He probably feels as though he is carrying most of the burden for his family and they don't pull their own weight, despite the perception of the storyteller that they at least try to. His method isn't the best way to behave, but we don't know what else he has tried to enact change. We know it isn't as bad as what he could do. We can't know the truth, but perhaps rather than being disrespectful to a man who is at least trying his best to own up to his obligations, maybe try a little more to address his complaints or get to the bottom of what else might be bothering him? Maybe he hates his job but rather than tell off his boss or quit and put his family in the unemployment line, he vents at home?
I get why she did it and I agree his behavior is disfunctional. But, unlike nearly 100% of commenters apparently, I don't think mockery is a good way to go when trying to communicate with someone, certainly not in the opening conversation. However, there maybe back story about her trying to speak with him about these issues and he not listening, that she didn't mention.
I agree that if that had been her first option, it certainly wouldn't have been the best one. That said, it was clearly stated in the post by OP that she had attempted talking it out with him before with no luck. "I tried talking to him to get him to see how his behavior is but to no avail." I applaud her creativity here honestly, and while she may still owe her father an apology (just as he owes them all one) for potentially hurting his feelings, I can't say it was 100% the right or wrong thing to do in this situation, given the information provided. She's still a kid, so she's still figuring out how to manage conflict in relationships, and as the adult, it's his job to lead by example and guide her so that when she's his age, possibly with a family of her own, she'll have learned a thing or two and will make better/more well thought out decisions overall.
Load More Replies... Yea, you made your point, now time to make peace. "Sorry I wanted to make a point, but I might have gone too far. Hope I didn't hurt you." The point still stands but the relationship can be saved. You make the first move, even if you are in the right.
Pain is a reminder that whatever has caused us to feel hurt is a bad thing, and we need to stay away from it. You don't intentionally shut your fingers in doors, you don't intentionally fall flat on your face on a concrete pavement, so hopefully dad has felt enough pain to stop being such an entitled a*****e.
Load More Replies... The dad should just leave its obvious he gets zero respect. Coming home to a dirty house an no food or cold food when its someone's actual job to keep the place clean is unacceptable.
How do you know his cleanliness expectations are normal. My best friend was married to a man that would hit her because she didn't hang up towels "correctly" in the bathroom. She has always been one of the cleanest people I know and it was very unfair of her husband to have the expectations he did. I don't think we get the full picture here.
Load More Replies... Funny... Cause ppl tend to act as if SAHMs don't usually choose to be SAHMs as if they were forced to do so and they didn't choose that over going to work... Like someone else said here, I hope they could trade places and see how many SAHMs would enjoy working long hours to be the provider, not get to actually enjoy the money they make cause it provides everything, probably be taken for granted, and also come home to a house in chaos while somebody is home all day... I hope this Dad takes each day of the week and dresses up as each family member to show and mock their behavior the same way his was... And yeah, belittling the person who provides for the household is the right way to go...
You talk like there aren't single mothers out their raising their kids by themselves and working a job or two just to make ends meet.
Load More Replies... She needs to stay out of it. A child needs to learn, not direct parents. Too much entitlement these days.
Yeah and what exactly is the girl going to learn from her parents behaviour? That men are All assholes and moms need to obey? Dude get your mind straight. She saw a Problem and tried to solve it. The girl showed social intelligente, but I think you are only gnarly because You're the same type of Person as this s**t a*s dad.
Load More Replies... So the wife and kids should walk around on eggshells in their home because of dad's temper? The teen is supporting it by helping out mom and the younger siblings.
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