How It Feels To Have An Anxiety Disorder Explained In 12 Self Portraits
Photographer Katie Joy Crawford has wrestled with anxiety disorder her entire life, which is why she was especially qualified to create this gripping photo series showing us what it’s like to live with this burden.
“Anxiety bars the sufferer from the risk of discovery, the desire to explore new ideas, and the possibility of exiting a comfort zone,” she writes in the description of her project, ‘My Anxious Heart.’ “It makes sure that it will never be alone. It finds you when you’re in the midst of joy, or alone in your own mind. It is quiet and steady, reminding you of your past failures, and fabricating your future outcomes.”
The project is a deeply personal one for Crawford; “Using my own stories and experiences, I am capturing the raw essence of anxiety. Through this personal journey, I have grown and found that depicting my fears has become therapeutic, as well as a gateway for others to express their oppression and begin their own healing process.”
More info: katiejoycrawford.com | Facebook | Instagram (h/t: huffpost, demilked)
A captive of my own mind. The instigator of my own thoughts. The more I think, the worse it gets. The less I think, the worse it gets. Breathe. Just breathe. Drift. It’ll ease soon.
No matter how much I resist, it’ll always be right here desperate to hold me, cover me, break down with me. Each day I fight it, “you’re not good for me and you never will be”. but there it is waiting for me when I wake up and eager to hold me as I sleep. It takes my breath away. It leaves me speechless.
They keep telling me to breathe. I can feel my chest moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down. But why does it feel like I’m suffocating? I hold my hand under my nose, making sure there is air. I still can’t breathe.
A glass of water isn’t heavy. It’s almost mindless when you have to pick one up. But what if you couldn’t empty it or set it down? What if you had to support its weight for days… months… years? The weight doesn’t change, but the burden does. At a certain point, you can’t remember how light it used to seem. Sometimes it takes everything in you to pretend it isn’t there. And sometimes, you just have to let it fall.
I was scared of sleeping. I felt the most raw panic in complete darkness. Actually, complete darkness wasn’t scary. It was that little bit of light that would cast a shadow – a terrifying shadow.
Numb feeling. How oxymoronic. How fitting. Can you actually feel numb? Or is it the inability to feel? Am I so used to being numb that I’ve equated it to an actual feeling?
My head is filling with helium. Focus is fading. Such a small decision to make. Such an easy question to answer. My mind isn’t letting me. It’s like a thousands circuits are all crossing at once.
You were created for me and by me. You were created for my seclusion. You were created by venomous defense. You are made of fear and lies. Fear of unrequited promises and losing trust so seldom given. You’ve been forming my entire life. Stronger and stronger.
Cuts so deep it’s like they’re never going to heal. Pain so real, it’s almost unbearable. I’ve become this… This cut, this wound. All I know is this same pain; sharp breath, empty eyes, shaky hands. If it’s so painful, why let it continue? Unless… Maybe it’s all that you know.
I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. What a way to exist.
Depression is when you can’t feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning.
It’s strange – in the pit of your stomach. It’s like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down but the water is deeper than you thought. You can’t touch the bottom and your heart skips a beat.
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These images are beautiful, touching, truthful, and haunting. As an artist and photographer who also has been diagnosed as bipolar and suffers from anxiety, too, I find my art and breathing exercises are my soothing tools, my way to cope. I believe great art comes from tortured minds and souls. These images are great art, but I hope their power and truth can hopefully educate those who wonder about this illness and the power it holds over some of those we may know and love.
Anxiety is so delibitating. You can shake it, and can't control it. It is our brain attacking our sense of well being. And when all is calm again, we can see how ineffective it was to be anxious. But we can't control when it will rise again.
I do disagree with the part about depression. For me, being Bipolar I on the depression side was feeling like I wasn't going to survive the next problem in my life, that everything was moving to fast uphill and I wr asn't able to do anything about it. I cried a lot and frequently for no apparent reason (none outwardly), and found it impossible to get out of bed for, well, about 2 months. But Anxiety is dead-on, too, in her description. It was a very heavy feeling and hard to escape. Beautiful photos, great way to express one's feelings.
I have a female friend who suffers from both anxiety & depression. Myself, being a normal happy go lucky guy, have had a difficult time understanding what she was going through. These remarkable photographs explains it so well I feel quite enlightened.
These are so close to the heart for me, glad I found this. I try to explain to people what it's like but unless you live it, you can't really know. This one in particular spoke to me. "I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. What a way to exist." I hate it and want it to stop.
I hope you've spoken to your doctor about this, Melissa. I have depression with panic/anxiety disorder and there are some really good medicines now that treat this. It has been at least six months since I've had a panic attack. That quote is the one that spoke to me as well.
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I relate all too well. As an INFJ every moment of every day is a contradiction, inspiring crippling anxiety that only therapy and medication can alleviate. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Questioning who you are and if it's worth it, and scared of both being something and being nothing. For a long time I resisted having friends at all because I was so anxious. My thoughts told me I wasn't a good friend, as soon as I let someone in they would manipulate me. But I know we can get over it. There is light! All you have to do is look for it.
This is a beautiful message shared courageously. It is from the strength and inspiration of others that we can break free from the grip of fear. to early in life I lost my father to the sole stealing grip of anxiety, paranoia and delusion and when his sole wasn't enough it came for mine. Everyday I must find the will to fight the fear of fear itself and through the strength and inspiration found in every facet of my life I refuse to let the cancer of the mind and body and soul that anxiety is win! Thank you for this beautiful soul food.
This is wonderfull art work and it just take the words out off my mouth. Because it is exacily thtat I have been fealings in some years. Thank you for the work and thanks for give pictures and words for the fealings. Love and peace and don`t give up.
I am afraid of sleeping (more like fears of sleep performance), so I was glad to see that picture. My brain races all the time, also I feel like my natural rhythm is to be on a 26 hour day. So I have gone to bed at a normal time, and just not fallen asleep, on a number of occasions. I'm on meds now, but there's still a slight twinge of fear at bedtime.
Photography is a wonderful way to express complex emotions and feelings. Katie has done a great job at this with her photo essay.
Ive always been intrigued with death. What ive come to find is "whats the rush?!" so how is it that ppl are afraid to die when theuve never lived. There is a natural order to all this. Try living first and then youll see the natural scheme of things. Love the heavy imagery tho.
I wish I could say "I was......" I live with severe depression and social anxiety disorder. These photos are so true to the trapped, drowning, especially being strangled feeling, I have to deal with. It takes it's own sweet time to disappear again but then you sit with the fear of it coming back. It's cut me off from the world as I cannot go out anywhere (except once in a blue moon). Severe depression has left me stripped bare of any normal feeling. Add anxiety and it pushes you right to the brink (beyond despair, beyond feeling to the unwelcome word...suicide - I've been there). Feeling to much and feeling nothing at all as the photographer puts it!!
Some of these pictures and words describe exactly how i feel each day trying to find a way to lessen it so i can live my life a little easier and maybe allow someone to come into my life one day
Heartbreaking & powerful. These photos captured a lot of what I feel during an anxiety attack. Prayers to all those who suffer from this debilitating illness. <3
I also suffer from anxiety & these photos were a perfect illustration of how I feel during an attack. Prayers to all who suffer from this debilitating illness. <3
not a good space for anyone to be in ---touches most of us at one time or another and some forever sadly thank god for PROZAC !!!
I had anxiety disorder. It was a very bad time in my life (lousy boss, lousy job, lousy payment, no personal life). I also was taking care of my mother, who was sick/ going into separate pieces at the time, so I was basically living in her house, no personal life again. I was feeling like getting depressed, but I just couldn't get into the bad mood - because I had to keep everything together and stay focused on both my mother and my career. And I tried so hard to push bad things from my mind, that they actually became the biggest part of my life. I've got the OCD and random panic attacks. And it was really serious. It bothered me as long as I haven't realized that if you have a good situation, you feel happy, if not - you feel sad or scared, and depression is just a numbness and fear of having a bad day. If you step into a s**t you can not pretend you're happy and it's natural to feel bad. So, I've let my feelings go, and now I even eat food which has been picked up from the floor.
What an amazing tribute to this mental illness. Having a son with mental health issues, and as a nurse, I have heard these therms many times before. I always believed them, not to visually see it expressed, amazing! Thank you!
those are powerful images, it's precious to be able to express them in this form, it's very genuine
These images are beautiful, touching, truthful, and haunting. As an artist and photographer who also has been diagnosed as bipolar and suffers from anxiety, too, I find my art and breathing exercises are my soothing tools, my way to cope. I believe great art comes from tortured minds and souls. These images are great art, but I hope their power and truth can hopefully educate those who wonder about this illness and the power it holds over some of those we may know and love.
Anxiety is so delibitating. You can shake it, and can't control it. It is our brain attacking our sense of well being. And when all is calm again, we can see how ineffective it was to be anxious. But we can't control when it will rise again.
I do disagree with the part about depression. For me, being Bipolar I on the depression side was feeling like I wasn't going to survive the next problem in my life, that everything was moving to fast uphill and I wr asn't able to do anything about it. I cried a lot and frequently for no apparent reason (none outwardly), and found it impossible to get out of bed for, well, about 2 months. But Anxiety is dead-on, too, in her description. It was a very heavy feeling and hard to escape. Beautiful photos, great way to express one's feelings.
I have a female friend who suffers from both anxiety & depression. Myself, being a normal happy go lucky guy, have had a difficult time understanding what she was going through. These remarkable photographs explains it so well I feel quite enlightened.
These are so close to the heart for me, glad I found this. I try to explain to people what it's like but unless you live it, you can't really know. This one in particular spoke to me. "I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. What a way to exist." I hate it and want it to stop.
I hope you've spoken to your doctor about this, Melissa. I have depression with panic/anxiety disorder and there are some really good medicines now that treat this. It has been at least six months since I've had a panic attack. That quote is the one that spoke to me as well.
Load More Replies... I relate all too well. As an INFJ every moment of every day is a contradiction, inspiring crippling anxiety that only therapy and medication can alleviate. Afraid to live, afraid to die. Questioning who you are and if it's worth it, and scared of both being something and being nothing. For a long time I resisted having friends at all because I was so anxious. My thoughts told me I wasn't a good friend, as soon as I let someone in they would manipulate me. But I know we can get over it. There is light! All you have to do is look for it.
This is a beautiful message shared courageously. It is from the strength and inspiration of others that we can break free from the grip of fear. to early in life I lost my father to the sole stealing grip of anxiety, paranoia and delusion and when his sole wasn't enough it came for mine. Everyday I must find the will to fight the fear of fear itself and through the strength and inspiration found in every facet of my life I refuse to let the cancer of the mind and body and soul that anxiety is win! Thank you for this beautiful soul food.
This is wonderfull art work and it just take the words out off my mouth. Because it is exacily thtat I have been fealings in some years. Thank you for the work and thanks for give pictures and words for the fealings. Love and peace and don`t give up.
I am afraid of sleeping (more like fears of sleep performance), so I was glad to see that picture. My brain races all the time, also I feel like my natural rhythm is to be on a 26 hour day. So I have gone to bed at a normal time, and just not fallen asleep, on a number of occasions. I'm on meds now, but there's still a slight twinge of fear at bedtime.
Photography is a wonderful way to express complex emotions and feelings. Katie has done a great job at this with her photo essay.
Ive always been intrigued with death. What ive come to find is "whats the rush?!" so how is it that ppl are afraid to die when theuve never lived. There is a natural order to all this. Try living first and then youll see the natural scheme of things. Love the heavy imagery tho.
I wish I could say "I was......" I live with severe depression and social anxiety disorder. These photos are so true to the trapped, drowning, especially being strangled feeling, I have to deal with. It takes it's own sweet time to disappear again but then you sit with the fear of it coming back. It's cut me off from the world as I cannot go out anywhere (except once in a blue moon). Severe depression has left me stripped bare of any normal feeling. Add anxiety and it pushes you right to the brink (beyond despair, beyond feeling to the unwelcome word...suicide - I've been there). Feeling to much and feeling nothing at all as the photographer puts it!!
Some of these pictures and words describe exactly how i feel each day trying to find a way to lessen it so i can live my life a little easier and maybe allow someone to come into my life one day
Heartbreaking & powerful. These photos captured a lot of what I feel during an anxiety attack. Prayers to all those who suffer from this debilitating illness. <3
I also suffer from anxiety & these photos were a perfect illustration of how I feel during an attack. Prayers to all who suffer from this debilitating illness. <3
not a good space for anyone to be in ---touches most of us at one time or another and some forever sadly thank god for PROZAC !!!
I had anxiety disorder. It was a very bad time in my life (lousy boss, lousy job, lousy payment, no personal life). I also was taking care of my mother, who was sick/ going into separate pieces at the time, so I was basically living in her house, no personal life again. I was feeling like getting depressed, but I just couldn't get into the bad mood - because I had to keep everything together and stay focused on both my mother and my career. And I tried so hard to push bad things from my mind, that they actually became the biggest part of my life. I've got the OCD and random panic attacks. And it was really serious. It bothered me as long as I haven't realized that if you have a good situation, you feel happy, if not - you feel sad or scared, and depression is just a numbness and fear of having a bad day. If you step into a s**t you can not pretend you're happy and it's natural to feel bad. So, I've let my feelings go, and now I even eat food which has been picked up from the floor.
What an amazing tribute to this mental illness. Having a son with mental health issues, and as a nurse, I have heard these therms many times before. I always believed them, not to visually see it expressed, amazing! Thank you!
those are powerful images, it's precious to be able to express them in this form, it's very genuine
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