Guy Tells Insanely Elaborate Plan On How He’d Get Away From An Assassin Snail For His Entire Immortal Life
Interview With Author
Here we are, back with another question in the vein of I never asked, but I’m sure glad someone has answered.
This time we have an absolutely absurd hypothetical that’s so ridiculous, it’s actually too intriguing to skip, and then we have a legend of a human being taking a stab at the challenge who wrote up an extremely detailed response to it, equaling 1,000 words or nearly 5,400 characters, all in a single Reddit comment.
Yes, you read that right, this Redditor responded to an AskReddit query that pitted a super intelligent snail and a human being against each other, both immortal and both with a million dollars, except there’s a catch: the snail is in an eternal chase with the human, and if it touches them, they die.
Strap yourselves in, ladies and gents, this is gonna be an incredible ride.
More Info: Reddit | Rooster Teeth
The internet is full of amazingly wonderful things, including hypotheticals about assassin snails
Image credits: Dysanovic (not the actual photo… what did you expect?)
Originally popping up in a Rooster Teeth video, the hypothetical resurfaced on Reddit where it caught the attention of one particular internaut
Image credits: u/Andy316619
While AskReddit is a virtual location where people ask very earthly questions, whether hypothetical or not, every once in a while someone comes up with such an out-of-this-world question that it would be a crime not to at least give it some thought.
Reddit user u/Andy316619 posed a question which, thanks to some keen commenters, we know was actually kinda sorta borrowed from a Rooster Teeth video, asking people online to humor him and explain what would be their plan if they and an extremely intelligent snail would both get a million dollars and become immortal, but enter a never-ending game of chase whereby if the snail touches the human, the human unfortunately ceases to exist. The snail knows where they are at all times and slowly crawls towards them.
u/dirkson took on the challenge of answering this question in the most elaborate way possible—using a thousand words and ridiculous specificity
Image credits: u/dirkson
While nearly everyone in the comment section suggested either some form of putting the snail in a jar or other container, or putting themselves in a bubble (or any other container), there was one commenter who stood out with their insanely elaborate plan.
Enter u/dirkson, who comes up with a ridiculously elaborate plan to avoid the snail assassin for at least a couple hundred million years or more. Bored Panda got in touch with Dirkson for an interview.
Image credits: u/dirkson
In a nutshell, he suggests first keeping an eye on it for a short while, calling up someone who Dirkson trusts with his life, asking them to shove the snail into a metal box, encasing it in tungsten, hiring out a moving company which would move it to a metal refinery to be encased in molten iron, finding a charter boat that would move the resulting iron construct to the Mariana Trench, letting it sink, then investing in space travel, lifting off and using a hella tractor beam to push the Earth into a black hole. In a nutshell.
“It was a spontaneous ‘I have a few minutes’ sort of thing. I think it took me about 30 minutes?” explained Dirkson. ” I’ve waffled between bemused that it took off so well and annoyed that I have to hear about it so much.”
Image credits: u/dirkson
The plan is actually much more elaborate as it involves unnecessary details that, given the context, are rather necessary because of how much more entertaining the story becomes because of it.
“I’m sure it could be improved in a dozen ways,” elaborated Dirkson. “Honestly, basically no part of it is a good plan, it’s just a plan that sounds good if you don’t think about it too hard.”
Now, we’ve asked Dirkson about the challenges of making this plan a reality, but he quite strongly reassured us that neither the plan, nor the snail are actually real: “Of course, rumors that this plan is real are entirely incorrect. There is no snail in a sphere on the bottom of the ocean. It’s not there. Don’t look.” We’re on to you, Mr. Dirskon, it’s just too good of a plan to not be true… [squints eyes].
Image credits: u/dirkson
This immediately earned Dirkson 9,000 upvotes and over 50 Reddit awards, including platinum and gold. The AskReddit post itself got 40,400 upvotes, engaging a discussion of over 10,000 comments and another 40+ awards.
People online loved it, and the stats show it, but it was also because of all the engagement it got. Some straight up said they loved it, while others began discussing the idea, the flaws, and the genius of this plan.
Lastly, we’ve asked Dirkson if he has other crazy elaborate plans, and he had this to say: “No other complicated plans, sorry. Most of the other plans in my life are much more simple, albeit frequently a bit odd—like Crazy Plan #3872, ‘Make my own Soylent substitute.’ Which is delicious, by the way. Or Crazy Plan #4265, ‘Build a set of alternating tread stairs to my attic’. Hasn’t killed me yet!”
You can check it all out in the original Reddit post here, but before you go, tell us your thoughts on Dirkson’s grand plan at keeping the immortal assassin snail at bay in the comment section below!
You're massively overthinking this. Shoo the snail into a paper cup and fill the cup with epoxy resin. The snail will be unable to move and unable to escape. Buff the outside and admire your snail paperweight. Put him on your desk.
Resin degrades over time. You'll need a way of securing the bugger again and again. I recommend investing some of that million in automatic reresinning technology.
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It´s fun to read, when he not includes the snail in his plans. Can he be really sure, the snail is still in the box, or does his friend betrayed him with the snail? Because they got both a million. Imagine, his trusty old friend throw a different snail in the box. Can he tell the different? :D
Tbh I’d become friends with the snail and keep it as a pet. And like Alexei Arntzen, I would eventually touch it when I’m tired of being immortal.
I would also keep it cause let's face it immortality is boring
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This was incredible. That person needs to write a book about that adventure.
I'd just build him sealed quarantine terrarium with his favorite foods and whatever else he wants. Then I'd have him to touch when I'm finally ready to die
This is not only ridiculously convoluted, the person has zero concept of how quickly their million would disappear before they got anywhere near the first few steps of their snail-entrapment-sphere.
Biggest caveat: To be completely immortal would be a living hell in the long run. So a sane option would keep the snail close enough as an feasible exit strategy and let he damn snaill spend the rest of the eternity in the slowly freezing universe lookin how the last visible star disappears and everything around is then just black..
You never thought that the friend that you asked for help could let the snail loose and take all your money once they realise you are now rich enough to spend 50000 for the first favour! Also, i really wanna know the snail's plan! He got 1 million too right? And he has a mission to kill!!wouldn't underestimate it if i were you
A million dollars is not much use if you can't get the card into the ATM, no hands. And he can't ask anyone to do it for him, no mouth. He COULD try to spell out a sentence or two with snail slime, but who would notice? The million dollars is pointless. All he has is time and slow progression.
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Ok well hold on. Just because you're immortal doesn't mean that you can't feel physical pain. So he could tell his friend to squash that snail's brain. That way it'll still be alive, but no longer intelligent. Therefore you won't have to worry about it constructing spacecrafts or even knowing how to move at all.
See, I would want to be able to get to the snail eventually because let's face it- who wants to live forever? That's gonna get boring eventually. A few hundred years, sure, but forever? Nah. I would trap the snail in something like the epoxy resin M O'Connell said, steal its million, invest, become rich, enjoy a few hundred years of well lived life, and when I'm ready, break the snail out give him a lil pet. Simple is best.
The more I think about it, the more I think this is Elon Musk's true life story.
Good idea. That snail would become very intelligent in an immortal life of learning an if freed could get someone to construct him a device to communicate an a ship or pod to transport him to you at greater speed then slime. And he also has a $1 mill too. Erosion of steel in salt water doesn't take too long. Look at the titanics boilers. Big steel an still sorta solid. Concrete does erode with high moisture. And unless that snail gets eaten by sea animal after sea animal an all that on the way to dry land, you have about 3k years or so. So exiting the planet is a good idea. Or just cast him in resin and west him as a pendant so you always know where he is. Just chuck him into a dying star before the resin disintegrates.
I'd build a portable house I could carry around and whenever the snail finds me I'd hide inside my house.
Oh, almost forgot. Live on diet of onions and onion relatives, salty foods and processed starches like pasta bread etc.
I have an idea. Put the snail in amber. Put the amber in a safe designed to withstand deep sea pressure. Put the safe in a submarine. Fill the submarine with salt. Sink the submarine in the marina. Bury the submarine and seal the top with molten metal. Move on board the ISS.
dude thats some plan there. but ima throw something at you: that snail cant be trapped. i can phase through anyhting. put a wall between the 2 of you? snail edges through it like the ghost in ant man and the wasp, but its not in pain because its form isnt corrupted. what do you do then, huh?
Find a way to stabilize its molecular phasing
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This is very similar to what I've always said I'd do to Jason if they didn't stop cranking out crappy Friday the 13th sequels. ;-)
This guy should be writing books!!! My kids would love to read or for me to read them this kind of adventures this is great!!!
The problem is that at some point, existence will become tiresome. Hanging around after all other life is gone, going slowly mad as the universe decays.... and the only way you can end it is in a black hole now. Nope, you seal that sucker in a clear glass paperweight so you can see exactly what he's up to, and every time his little raspy tongue starts to wear through the glass noticeably you cook up another. He can't die, so no need for a cavity inside- just entomb him directly in the molten glass, making a nice durable sphere. That way, when you finally tire of this world and are ready to be done, you have him right nearby and can break him free and walk together into oblivion.
Where's the snail keeping it's money? Just b/c it's super intelligent doesn't mean it can communicate with anyone to secure it's funds. Take it. Now you have $2M and the snail's flat broke. Won't stay that way long, but still double where you started. Also, nowhere does it say the snail can escape any kind of enclosure, so keep it close, like entombed in a solid glass sphere (maybe soft-ball size coated with 1/2" thick plexiglass) so you always know what's happening. Periodically crack open the original container to make an exchange. I wouldn't trust anyone else with this task, so do it yourself. Remember, the snail has to touch YOU, not the full-body protective suit, engineered for just this purpose, that you're wearing. Develop a tracking device that can be inserted into the snail for good measure. Keep that suit handy for when you need to re-up the tracker as well. Snails are slow, so IF it ever gets out you have plenty of time to act and you know where it is at all times.
no one else considering the fact that by year 1000, probably earlier, you'll be welcoming the snail. I'm pretty sure watching everyone you love die over and over again while you stick around would eventually wear you down.
Too complicated. Pay a private space company once prices go down and launch the sphere on a probe that can reach escape velocity for the solar system. Aim for the edge of the Orion arm and put the sucker into intergalactic space.
One thing everyone seems to be overlooking is that you'll have eternal life but not eternal youth. At some point your body will be too frail to move and the snail will eventually get to you. Also immortality doesn't seem to be all it's cracked up to be, vampires in movies are often sad the older they are and many choose to sit in the sun. Life without death has no meaning. Still I wouldn't mind living an extra 100 years if I could remain young.
He would be dead in a minute. The snail is superintelligent and probably can do things by telekinesis. It just has to will him under his slimey slider and the bloke's dead.
Guys, immortal doesn't mean invincible. It's easy. You can still kill the snail, just like you can die by other means as well. Murder the snail. Like, run it over or something.
Two questions - 1) is the snail sentient? 2) why is the snail so hostile? 3) what is the penalty to the snail if it touches the human? Presumably it dies too. If the answers to 1 and 3 are yes, they can work something out surely? If the answer to 1 is yes and there is a reason for 2, I suggest mediation. If the answer to 1) is no, keep going with your plan A as above.
The problem is not a problem. If you gain a million dollars use some of it to put the snail far away, and it shouldn't take much, then you live a normal human life span, maybe longer, with your financial situation improved. If you do that, literally the only thing that changes in the worst case scenario is you live slightly longer and are richer. :) It's still a bonus.
This would make a great movie to watch while partaking in some herb.
Have you ever oured salt onto a snail or a slug? They melt into a nasty little puddle. I taught this trick to my nephew when he was about 7 years old. It kept him busy all summer. This young man is now a police officer in a major city in the mid west.
You're massively overthinking this. Shoo the snail into a paper cup and fill the cup with epoxy resin. The snail will be unable to move and unable to escape. Buff the outside and admire your snail paperweight. Put him on your desk.
Resin degrades over time. You'll need a way of securing the bugger again and again. I recommend investing some of that million in automatic reresinning technology.
Load More Replies... It´s fun to read, when he not includes the snail in his plans. Can he be really sure, the snail is still in the box, or does his friend betrayed him with the snail? Because they got both a million. Imagine, his trusty old friend throw a different snail in the box. Can he tell the different? :D
Tbh I’d become friends with the snail and keep it as a pet. And like Alexei Arntzen, I would eventually touch it when I’m tired of being immortal.
I would also keep it cause let's face it immortality is boring
Load More Replies... This was incredible. That person needs to write a book about that adventure.
I'd just build him sealed quarantine terrarium with his favorite foods and whatever else he wants. Then I'd have him to touch when I'm finally ready to die
This is not only ridiculously convoluted, the person has zero concept of how quickly their million would disappear before they got anywhere near the first few steps of their snail-entrapment-sphere.
Biggest caveat: To be completely immortal would be a living hell in the long run. So a sane option would keep the snail close enough as an feasible exit strategy and let he damn snaill spend the rest of the eternity in the slowly freezing universe lookin how the last visible star disappears and everything around is then just black..
You never thought that the friend that you asked for help could let the snail loose and take all your money once they realise you are now rich enough to spend 50000 for the first favour! Also, i really wanna know the snail's plan! He got 1 million too right? And he has a mission to kill!!wouldn't underestimate it if i were you
A million dollars is not much use if you can't get the card into the ATM, no hands. And he can't ask anyone to do it for him, no mouth. He COULD try to spell out a sentence or two with snail slime, but who would notice? The million dollars is pointless. All he has is time and slow progression.
Load More Replies... Ok well hold on. Just because you're immortal doesn't mean that you can't feel physical pain. So he could tell his friend to squash that snail's brain. That way it'll still be alive, but no longer intelligent. Therefore you won't have to worry about it constructing spacecrafts or even knowing how to move at all.
See, I would want to be able to get to the snail eventually because let's face it- who wants to live forever? That's gonna get boring eventually. A few hundred years, sure, but forever? Nah. I would trap the snail in something like the epoxy resin M O'Connell said, steal its million, invest, become rich, enjoy a few hundred years of well lived life, and when I'm ready, break the snail out give him a lil pet. Simple is best.
The more I think about it, the more I think this is Elon Musk's true life story.
Good idea. That snail would become very intelligent in an immortal life of learning an if freed could get someone to construct him a device to communicate an a ship or pod to transport him to you at greater speed then slime. And he also has a $1 mill too. Erosion of steel in salt water doesn't take too long. Look at the titanics boilers. Big steel an still sorta solid. Concrete does erode with high moisture. And unless that snail gets eaten by sea animal after sea animal an all that on the way to dry land, you have about 3k years or so. So exiting the planet is a good idea. Or just cast him in resin and west him as a pendant so you always know where he is. Just chuck him into a dying star before the resin disintegrates.
I'd build a portable house I could carry around and whenever the snail finds me I'd hide inside my house.
Oh, almost forgot. Live on diet of onions and onion relatives, salty foods and processed starches like pasta bread etc.
I have an idea. Put the snail in amber. Put the amber in a safe designed to withstand deep sea pressure. Put the safe in a submarine. Fill the submarine with salt. Sink the submarine in the marina. Bury the submarine and seal the top with molten metal. Move on board the ISS.
dude thats some plan there. but ima throw something at you: that snail cant be trapped. i can phase through anyhting. put a wall between the 2 of you? snail edges through it like the ghost in ant man and the wasp, but its not in pain because its form isnt corrupted. what do you do then, huh?
Find a way to stabilize its molecular phasing
Load More Replies... This is very similar to what I've always said I'd do to Jason if they didn't stop cranking out crappy Friday the 13th sequels. ;-)
This guy should be writing books!!! My kids would love to read or for me to read them this kind of adventures this is great!!!
The problem is that at some point, existence will become tiresome. Hanging around after all other life is gone, going slowly mad as the universe decays.... and the only way you can end it is in a black hole now. Nope, you seal that sucker in a clear glass paperweight so you can see exactly what he's up to, and every time his little raspy tongue starts to wear through the glass noticeably you cook up another. He can't die, so no need for a cavity inside- just entomb him directly in the molten glass, making a nice durable sphere. That way, when you finally tire of this world and are ready to be done, you have him right nearby and can break him free and walk together into oblivion.
Where's the snail keeping it's money? Just b/c it's super intelligent doesn't mean it can communicate with anyone to secure it's funds. Take it. Now you have $2M and the snail's flat broke. Won't stay that way long, but still double where you started. Also, nowhere does it say the snail can escape any kind of enclosure, so keep it close, like entombed in a solid glass sphere (maybe soft-ball size coated with 1/2" thick plexiglass) so you always know what's happening. Periodically crack open the original container to make an exchange. I wouldn't trust anyone else with this task, so do it yourself. Remember, the snail has to touch YOU, not the full-body protective suit, engineered for just this purpose, that you're wearing. Develop a tracking device that can be inserted into the snail for good measure. Keep that suit handy for when you need to re-up the tracker as well. Snails are slow, so IF it ever gets out you have plenty of time to act and you know where it is at all times.
no one else considering the fact that by year 1000, probably earlier, you'll be welcoming the snail. I'm pretty sure watching everyone you love die over and over again while you stick around would eventually wear you down.
Too complicated. Pay a private space company once prices go down and launch the sphere on a probe that can reach escape velocity for the solar system. Aim for the edge of the Orion arm and put the sucker into intergalactic space.
One thing everyone seems to be overlooking is that you'll have eternal life but not eternal youth. At some point your body will be too frail to move and the snail will eventually get to you. Also immortality doesn't seem to be all it's cracked up to be, vampires in movies are often sad the older they are and many choose to sit in the sun. Life without death has no meaning. Still I wouldn't mind living an extra 100 years if I could remain young.
He would be dead in a minute. The snail is superintelligent and probably can do things by telekinesis. It just has to will him under his slimey slider and the bloke's dead.
Guys, immortal doesn't mean invincible. It's easy. You can still kill the snail, just like you can die by other means as well. Murder the snail. Like, run it over or something.
Two questions - 1) is the snail sentient? 2) why is the snail so hostile? 3) what is the penalty to the snail if it touches the human? Presumably it dies too. If the answers to 1 and 3 are yes, they can work something out surely? If the answer to 1 is yes and there is a reason for 2, I suggest mediation. If the answer to 1) is no, keep going with your plan A as above.
The problem is not a problem. If you gain a million dollars use some of it to put the snail far away, and it shouldn't take much, then you live a normal human life span, maybe longer, with your financial situation improved. If you do that, literally the only thing that changes in the worst case scenario is you live slightly longer and are richer. :) It's still a bonus.
This would make a great movie to watch while partaking in some herb.
Have you ever oured salt onto a snail or a slug? They melt into a nasty little puddle. I taught this trick to my nephew when he was about 7 years old. It kept him busy all summer. This young man is now a police officer in a major city in the mid west.
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