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Husband Said No To Wife’s Personal Expenses After She Got A Huge Inheritance, But Didn’t Want To Share It To Pay Off His Student Loans
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Husband Said No To Wife’s Personal Expenses After She Got A Huge Inheritance, But Didn’t Want To Share It To Pay Off His Student Loans

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It’s not often that we talk about conflict stories where folks online decide that there is no good guy/bad guy in the conflict and everyone just sucks in that situation.

But it still provides an opportunity for debate, fosters understanding and allows folks to learn something from those situations.

A story of such nature has been circulating the internet, originally posted on the Am I The A-Hole? subreddit, where a husband asked the community for some perspective on him asking his stay-at-home-mom wife to use her inheritance to pay off his student loans, and because she refused, he decided to separate their personal finances, hence cutting her off from his income, which is, mind you, the family’s sole income.

More Info: Reddit

An inheritance is bound to stir up some drama, but it’s not often that both sides are both right and wrong in such a situation

Image Credits: Warren LeMay (not the actual photo)

So, Reddit user u/sloanaita posted a quick story on the Am I The A-Hole? subreddit, asking folks in the community to explain if he’s wrong to expect his wife to help him to pay his student loans using her recent inheritance.

OP is a father of 2 and the sole source of income in the family, while his wife is a stay-at-home mother who spends her days caring for the kids and the household. He is slowly, but surely, working towards paying off his student loans.

And while his wife is not participating in the job market, she has recently come into a large inheritance, one that OP specified is 5 times the amount of his student loan (which would take 20% of the inheritance). And once the dust following the formalities of the inheritance had settled, he approached the Mrs. about whether she could use it to pay off his debt.

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A Redditor recently asked folks online if he was wrong to expect his wife to help pay off his student debt using her inheritance

Image Credits: u/sloanaita

OP argued that the family would benefit from it as it would make the family’s burden lighter, and, besides, they’re a family and resources ought to be shared for the betterment of the family. However, the wife refused, saying the inheritance is hers, and that his student loans pre-date the marriage and thus are OP’s sole responsibility.

In response to this, feeling like it’s unfair to their relationship and family, OP decided that splitting the finances would be the fairest thing to do. The next day, he told his wife that he is cutting her off on personal expenses—i.e. clothes, eating out, flight, personal hygiene and other personal necessities will no longer be funded from his money, since she has her own.

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On the one hand, it was her inheritance, but on the other, the husband argued that it would help the family as a whole

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Image Credits: u/sloanaita

It quickly turned into a fight when OP decided he’d cut the wife off from him funding her personal necessities

Image Credits: t.ohashi (not the actual fight)

Instead, he will redirect this money to paying off the student loan faster, and, as an assumption, he will still provide for the family as a whole. The wife didn’t like this one bit, saying he’s being controlling with his position as the sole earner in the family.

This conflict ended up finding its way to the Am I The A-Hole? community on Reddit, asking the folk’s verdict on who was wrong here. And… well, they ruled that everyone was wrong here.

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Folks explained that both of them are acting childishly, which is not good in a marriage. And while they saw rights on both sides, there was still the issue that one is throwing an ultimatum while the other isn’t thinking about what’s best for the family.

The AITA community were mostly of the opinion that everyone should grow up and act like partners as it is a marriage, after all

There were some who agreed with OP, saying he’s actually right to act the way he did. Some saw her as a bit selfish as she can’t reciprocate giving money, but above all, folks pleaded that they stay civil and understand that it is a partnership and there is no more I, there is only Us.

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There were some who agreed with OP, arguing that if anything, the wife wasn’t willing to reciprocate giving money

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Regardless, the post garnered nearly 10,000 upvotes and a handful of Reddit awards, as well as made some headlines online. Besides that, it did also generate some discussion in the comment section, which you can find here.

But we would love to hear your thoughts on who’s right and who’s wrong and what would be the optimal solution in this situation in the comment section below!

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jlkooiker avatar
lenka
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's missing from this story is WHY the wife is "keeping the money". He doesn't say what she wants to do with it. Do they have a mortgage? Does she want to buy a family home? Is she putting it aside for the kids? For retirement? All he says is "I want it and she wont give it to me". Maybe she's the arsehole, but he's withholding relevant information.

daniel-boak avatar
iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Does it really matter? A marriage is a partnership, and so far the husband has been the only one providing financial support. Loan debt doesn't stay constant, the longer you take to repay it, the more you end up paying. That doesn't just impact the husband, that impacts the whole family because HE'S THE ONLY WITH A JOB. You don't get to be a financial black whole, come into some money, refuse to contribute and expect everything to stay exactly the same. I'm sure there were plenty of things the husband would have liked to have done with the money he earned, but was unable after supporting his wife and children.

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shannonrichards25 avatar
ShareMusic
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ever since we married over 40 years ago, we've shared finances. All income, including inheritances and gifts no matter the giver or recipient, goes into the family funds. We only have joint bank accounts and the mortgage is in both our names. We've always paid off debts, student loans, car loans, even a mortgage (twice) because paying interest is anathema to me. There's a lot more to this story than OP is telling us.

el_bali avatar
Mari
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, my husband and I are also sharing everything. Family is way more important than money.

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skidog911 avatar
Kusotare
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. What they need to do is to have an honest and open discussion about finances, their relationship, their future, and how each of them sees each of these. If I were in either of their positions, I think I would expect that (a) some of the inheritance would be put to paying down the student loans; (b) some of the inheritance could be set aside for the wife's discretionary spending (that is, it's none of the husband's business what she spends it on); and (c ) MOST of the inheritance would go toward a retirement fund for the wife. How they do it is up to them, but they both need to stop thinking selfishly and consider the needs of their partnership. I get that each needs to consider that the partnership may not last so they want to protect 'their fair share', but that is part of the discussion that has not happened. A trusted financial advisor and estate planner might be very helpful here.

viviane_katz avatar
-
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Very sensible advice, including to get some outside advice. A good marriage counselor might also help them with how they view money and marriage. I knew one couple who were helped by a course on money that looked at what it symbolized to each person, how family of origin influenced their money habits, etc. The insights allowed them to understand each other and then compromise (in their case, the saver gave the spendthrift a small allowance to spend on themselves and the spender came to appreciate the saver's thriftiness).

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queenofthecastle82 avatar
Queenie-Poo
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Technically, yes, she's right and I don't think she should be forced to pay that specific debt. BUT since she now has a way to help contribute financially, at least a portion of her inheritance should go towards paying the families bills. Maybe the compromise could be that now she pays for the grocery bill and utilities or the mortgage or something.

lorene-gaudin avatar
Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago

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Then OP should've asked her to contribute more to the family's expenses in the first place. Also, while wife's expenses for clothing, spa, etc. might look personal, since they're married, it's legally considered family expenses. And of course, OP's student loan is clearly personal since they took it before they were married. OP's initial request was simply out of place, and now they're being petty by 'punishing' their wife instead of finding the compromise you suggest.

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shannonkreider avatar
Notyomama
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Received an inheritance. Not huge, but not a pittance. My husband made more money than I did(at this time, but, not when we got together,) but he was almost legally blind. Not a ton more money...but still. FIRST thing I did was call a doctor and schedule Lasix. It cost a lot of money, but who cares? It was an investment into our futures and who wants to watch your significant other become disabled when a simple surgery could correct the issue? My mistake was watching the surgery in real time. Now my eyes are going and I'm like nope!! Not doing it. Point being, both should be on the same page financially. If he has threatened her, financially, prior to this, I could see her denying his request. That money might be her exit strategy. Guarantee, if he has done it this time, he has done it other times. Like others, I don't think we are getting the whole story.

pebs_1 avatar
pebs
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish you well, but the thing that surprises me is that the Lasix cost you a lot of money. In Europe it costs practically nothing, as well as surgery, if someone needs it. I'm really sorry for you American citizens. The only thing that pisses me off, though, is that your government is trying to export your terrifying lifestyle all over the world.

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sweetangelce04 avatar
CatWoman312
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow if I get a large inheritance I would pay off both mine and my husband's debts no questions asked. In the long run if he has more money every month because of not paying loans he could use it on her so it comes back. Money really can ruin everything and I think both should consider if the relationship is worth it.

daniel-boak avatar
iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm failing to grasp the reasoning so many are trying to say this is a case of both being AH's. The wife, does not work, at least in any manner that contributes financially to the family, and the first opportunity she has to do that her response is "NO! MINE!" why should anyone expect that the husband is going to continue to give her money for things that are expressly for her, and her alone? Just because the current student loan debt is 1/5th of her inheritance TODAY doesn't mean that's reflective of what the full amount will be if it needs to get paid out over a longer period of time. It could easily end up being two or three times the amount it is today, which means it's a much bigger financial strain on not only the sole provider, but the entire family. She doesn't have any excuse to not cover her own expenses anymore, and he has no motivation to cover them when she's shown herself to be selfish and greedy. You don't get to complain about someone doing the same thing back to you.

thandeit avatar
Random Panda
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Exactly! I'm baffled by the majority of the responses here. A marriage is a partnership and in the long run it would cost the family less to pay off his debt now. He is right to put his disposable income towards his debt now that his wife has her own money for her personal expenses. She doesn't want to share, so why should he?

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makotofletcher avatar
Wolf127
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh, what happened to the concept of marriage? Wife and hubby should help each other. Don't you love your spouse? It's not what the other inherited, it's what one can so to improve family finances. I truly cannot understand wife's refusal to pay hubby's student loan. Hell, the interest adds so much while the loan is being paid off.

troux avatar
Troux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Seems like the reasonable thing to do would be to lay out the math of the student loan. If paid off now, it costs X. If paid off in installments over time as originally planned, it costs Y. The difference between X and Y is how much more money would come in to the family as a whole, and of course the husband could pay her back over time without the crazy interest, but at that point it will beg the question, is she more concerned with her own wellbeing, or the family's wellbeing? As someone else mentioned, it would be helpful to understand what her plans for the money are if they aren't for the sake of the family finances. I would also be interested in knowing the unbiased history of the OPs spending or lack thereof on his wife.

faithhurst-bilinski avatar
Bi-Polar Express
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I see so many married people keeping MINE and YOURS and it can only work if you really mean it. Stupidly making the entire household pay interest on a student loan shows a lot of issues in this marriage. Unless it is OURS, it won't work.

thandeit avatar
Random Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what most of the commenters are missing. Not paying off the loan now puts a bigger financial strain on the family in the long run. They could save money from paying the interest and use it for something better.

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tdigits avatar
Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We have been married for over 45 years. Never once have we discussed finances as my money vs your money. Always had joint accounts and joint payment responsibility. Any couple who has "my' money" vs "your money" is only looking for problems. Grow the hell up!

tdigits avatar
Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I forgot to add, for most of our marriage I was the main bread winner, and carried the medical benefits. It never occurred to me to consider that "my money".

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dfreg avatar
Leodavinci
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's NTA by any means. Do they have issues? Yes. But... with her inheritance, she doesn't need money from him for any of HER personal things he was paying for previously. He's not depriving her of "household" money she needs to run the household. No mention of how much she got, but considering what the average student loan debt is and that she received 5X what he owes, that is likely a considerable amount of money. Could easily be well over $150K. Her complaining about him not paying for HER personal "expenses" is entitled. Even as a SAH mom, she doesn't need his money for those things anymore. Is he entitled for expecting she would share? No, it's what you do in a relationship. She's not obligated to share, but she's the one that made this a "my money is MY money, and your money is OUR money" situation.

weathermonger1 avatar
Donna Harris
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

First off...what the heck? You're supposed to be a couple, a family. I'd pay off the loan (because really, isn't it ours? debt and all? Why do people even get married if they keep a running list of who owes who? OURS....our debt, our windfall, our disaster, our heartache, our pride and joy...see where I'm going with this? My husband and I have been together for more than thirty years now, and it's our struggles and our triumphs....otherwise everything is I , me and mine.....can't take it to the grave can you. Some people learn too late about what is important,and it's not money

polluxmixmaf avatar
Void Boi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with you and would do the same thing if my wife pulled that s**t. However, my wife wouldn't do that because we are a team. You guys might have bigger issues on your hands than just money.

howdylee avatar
howdylee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he's willing to cut her off financially, she is probably hanging onto the inheritance as the means to keep her & the kids afloat when they divorce. Is this the moment she finally gets to break free from a control freak? Is she already setting up the divorce lawyer? All speculation of course, but that'd be my guess. She has plans and knows not to mix "her" money because otherwise she'll never see it again.

valisbourne avatar
Valisbourne Spiritforge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Based on what he's said (not whatever may be floating about the story unsaid so far), I'd say he's definitely TA. There have got to be things the OP hasn't mentioned. Is she saving it for emergencies? As a getaway fund in case the marriage goes sour? Setting up higher education funds for the kids?

janak avatar
JanaK
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is thi "mine and yours" some american b******t? Everytime when the problem s financial, a lot of people say they have different accounts and just share their expenses? Somewhere between generations the family rules became very rude and brutal. This is not a family.

ltjlcd avatar
Carol Lewis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Been married for almost 40 years. Our marriage is a partnership. There is no your money or my money, its always been ours. There was a time when he was working and going to school at night that I made more money, he didn't have medical insurance. So I put him and his two sons from a previous marriage on my insurance because he was required to pay half of their medical. I had no problem with this. Later he made more money, we had a child together and I stayed home until he was school age then I went to work part time. There were never any issues from either of us about who was making the most money because it was always our money. If one of us had a windfall it was a windfall for both of us. I cared for him through cancer, he cared for me through my severe depression and anxiety after the loss of my brother and two dear friends who all died very close together. Partnership, friendship and love.

woofits avatar
Andrew Stewart
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is always room for compromise. She could make a large payment towards a mortgage or car loan and then re amortize the payments so that reduced monthly portion of the payment could be instead used to pay his student loans.

katejones_1 avatar
Kate Jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I understand the fear that you may get divorced in the future and now she is out an amount that was never intended for anyone else. But that's the risk you take when you get married. For richer, for poorer. If she feels it would be a waste on debt, then you should both agree to place it in a trust for the children, or to go toward something they both would benefit from, like mortgage reduction or a downpayment. The comic Ali Wong jokes that her husband had way more money than her when they got married and he and his family insisted on a prenup, but then 10 years later she's bonkers rich and he's angry because he can't sue for more now that they're divorcing. You can't have it both ways. Either she's in it for good or she's expecting to divorce. She shares in his money and he should share in hers. Paying off his debt would help her in the long run, too. If there are other issues going on-abuse or something- then I'd understand wanting to keep is separate. But again, that's the risk.

vickicunningham_1 avatar
Vicki Cunningham
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like one selfish wife who is really not invested in the family. I think it's perfectly fair that he doesn't pay for her expenses.

juwang1992 avatar
Tatiana Kouzmanoff
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you and your partner aren't pulling together in the same direction, then your marriage is doomed. Get counseling.

pebs_1 avatar
pebs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wonder why some people get married. In this case, the woman.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I inherited a sizable chunk from my Dad after his passing, but I used it to get us out of debt and put us in a better position to keep our heads above water until I got a full time job. Could I have just as easily hoarded it and used it for myself, sure! But that wouldn't have helped us out in the long run. The money is pretty much gone now, but our new financial position allows for us to earn more than we have before (now that I'm done with school.) You both have some growing up to do..her for hoarding the money, you for your reaction to her refusal. Both of you need to work together to make things better for the family as a whole. The smart thing would to pay off the student loan. But she's not obligated to do so.

lillianswaim avatar
Lillian Swaim
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

omg something similar happened to my sister but it was money from a lawsuit. The banks and fiduciaries all told her it was sound logic for their future for her to pay off his student loans. She paid off his debts then he divorced her and left her penniless. There was nothing she could do, many, many lawyers told her so.

kathmorgan avatar
kath morgan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Interesting. I have never thought of my student loans (which predate the marriage) as my husband’s responsibility. I hate the idea of him being burdened by it. I wouldn’t ask him to pay them off, I would then feel like I had a debt to him (which can make a power imbalance in a relationship). So I don’t see how she has any obligation here… but of course there is a lot of information we don’t have.

pauljellema avatar
Poeha
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He has to pay everything. My mother paid for my dad, when he studied. Then he got a good job and she could be a housewife and when we got older, she only worked part time. He always paid and still pays most. She has a little income for some extra stuff. They married, so it wasn't this is mine and that is yours.

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sareaesque668 avatar
Sareaesque
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. The way my partner and I work our finances is; Expenses are split into joint and individual, essential and non-essential. Split of joint finances is dependent of our respective finances after personal essentials are taken care of. Personal expenses and finances outside of joint expenses are 100% the responsibility of the individual, if one of us can't afford something we go without, and neither of us ask to borrow money off the other person, though we've both had months when we were struggling and the other person was happy to offer to pick up the slack for that month. Even when he wasn't working, he had a savings account with a monthly limit which we treated the same way. Based on that the way I view this situation is; outside of an agreement to cover essentials such as food, house, bills, childcare, he should have no more right to her inheritance money than she should to his wages.

sareaesque668 avatar
Sareaesque
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Admittedly, while this situation works just fine for us, I acknowledge that it isn't ideal for everyone, it's just how we've handled being in a similar situation.

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janice_parks_100 avatar
Janice Parks
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The fate of student loan may be up in the air depending upon politics of the day. Also, how much is the interest rate on the loan? Could she be earning more than the loan is costing? Also, saving money is smart and saving for the future is smarter. What are her goals for the money? Why isn’t the loan already paid off? Does she see warning signs from his handling of money? Is her spending money on herself out of control? If she does use her windfall to spend solely on herself as fun money then at least it’s not coming out of the family fund. If she’s trying to be wise with the money then I would lay off her and wait it out. His past behaviors may be driving her decision.

vpwitter avatar
Valerie Witter
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ok, the loans were made pre-marriage. Once she pays off his loan, that money is considered joint money. If they split up at some point, and maybe she has thought of this, she won’t be getting that money back. He should still be handling all the bills as the sole income provider OR there should be an agreement about what happens if they split up. Wouldn’t go over well, but I would have to do it. If they split up, it could take her a while to get back into the job market and she would probably need her inheritance.

elizabethdeighton101 avatar
Elizabeth Deighton
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In a marriage, money should be ours. OK, both should have an amount that is theirs to spend on what each person wants as regards personal items. In this case, both need their heads banging together. Yes, the husband's debts for education were before marriage but it is the education that allows her to sah. At the same time, she has the full time job of looking after the children. Would like to hear her side of it

blatherskitenoir avatar
blatherskitenoir
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The debt predates her and the inheritance technically predates him. They should be kept completely separate. If he wants to play s****y games like this, she should stop any and all work. No more grocery shopping, no more bill paying, no more errands. If the kids are hungry, he can make them food. Paying off the loans is a nice to have, but not a necessity. If he drops dead tomorrow, his debt does with him, but if she poured her inheritance into it, that's gone forever. She also doesn't have her own retirement account or savings. Paying the debt would just give her husband a little extra play money each month, which would be frittered away here and there and disappear. If he wants to play stupid games, he can win stupid prizes: either his wife going back to "real" work while he has to take on 50/50 chores and a proportional amount of the day care fees, or he winds up divorced and paying child and spousal support, plus half of his assets, because inheritances are not counted.

annarodarte avatar
Kookie Karnival
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...I'm very glad they clarified that the fighting cats are not the actual fight.

alloutbikesyahoo_com avatar
alloutbikes@yahoo.com
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unless he is trying to free himself of debts, use up "her " money, and keep her trapped.

vfkvideo avatar
Joel Emmett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sure, some successful couples have separate finances, although I think it suggests a transactional relationship, rather than one based on mutual respect and admiration, where they grow closer over time. Regardless, most lasting marriages seem to share a similar moral sense, which may not be the case here. Troubling.

susanne avatar
Susanne B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have the feeling, that the wife wants to put the money away for herself, because she fears that her husband will leave her some day.

liuba-vercellabaglione avatar
LilliVB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They both really suck. If you don't agree otherwise, and in a family the finances are shared, you can't expect that the money from one part belongs to both and then when you have money it belongs just to you. And this is exactly what the wife is doing firstly, and then what the husband is doing either to get some kind of revenge. But if you can't work as team in a family, regardless of where the money comes from, you are cooking up the right recipe for a divorce.

janak avatar
JanaK
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Revenge... No, she has the money for herself, he pays all the bils and the food, just stopped giving her money for personal needs. If her money are just for her, he has the right to decide how to spend his money. It can't be "My money are just my money, i would save them just because i want that, but you will keep giving me personal money". Since she wants for them to have separate money, she shouldn't expect something else.

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aleskaucic1 avatar
Aleš Kaučič
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is litteraly no f....g way to give my money to my wife, gf,etc. She can go to work if she needs money.

vjsmart2001 avatar
Valerie Smart
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don’t know.... on the fence here....she is wrong by not allowing money to be used for family ...he is wrong to demand money be used on him...without context it’s really confusing.

laurabamber avatar
The Starsong Princess
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The first rule of receiving an inheritance is don’t commingle it with matrimonial funds if you don’t want it to be a marital asset. I’m wondering if she thinks he is trying to get her to commingle. I’m sure the person who left it to her designated it “for her sole and exclusive use”. The obvious answer is to consult a lawyer and do a post-nup.

hayleyrodgers avatar
Justacrow
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I want to know why she doesn't want to help. What would happen to the income influx after debts are paid? Paying off/buying a house? College funds? Or does he have a history of spending all extra money on himself and would be spending it on gaming, drinking, an obsessive funko pop collection? I would pay off the loans personally, but not if I know every penny is going to be blown or that my husband was finacially stupid.

starkr2003 avatar
Rhonda Stark
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While I don't like her attitude, I understand it. After 47 years, two kids, 4 grands and countless moves over the years, I don't think money troubles are going to split us up. But the truth is that I spent years when our kids were small at home. My career choice was for its flexibility, so I would be employable in whatever market his better paid job took us to. I earned half what he did and worked fewer years. My 401k is about half what his is. We don't have ''his money and her money,'' and windfallscalways went to improving the family, but in a different marriage, I can see how bolstering her own IRAs with some of the inheritance first, paying off debt on joint assets, and saving for the children would be prudent, and could trump paying off his loans.

c_devine avatar
Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Student loans are a scam where college should be free. Don't throw your money or your wife's money into that black hole. You'll just encourage the debt-masters.

xolitaire avatar
xolitaire
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So you decide to cut her off financially the moment she doesn't agree to hand her money over? Looks to me like she had good reason to hang on to it.

creaturecargeaux avatar
Creature Cargeaux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

.... the fact that he's the sole earner & is controlling as F**K makes me think that she doesn't want to use HER money to pay of HIS loans.. because this is a pattern in their relationship.. he's a selfish brat. He's the AH.. I side with her... we don't see her side of this but from the way he's acting.. I suspect that this is not a one off & whenever he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum & "cuts her off".... my husband & I just went thru the same thing. I inherited a little bit of money from my dad who passed in 2020.. except when I tried to pay off our debts with it.. my husband got upset & said "that's your Money! Not bill money! Don't spend that on bills & debts when we are not struggling to pay for necessities & stuff! Save that money & do something fun with it!" He didn't want a penny of it. He's the sole earner. He controls our finances normally. I've decided I want to take 1/2 & invest it for us.. & use the rest for a vacation for us or something. We are a team!

creaturecargeaux avatar
Creature Cargeaux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

& if my husband inherited tons of money I would say the same thing to him. This relationship is a mess & I think the husband is a d**k.. honestly. Anyone who financially abuses their partner & withholds money FROM THEIR SPOUSE & THEIR FAMILY just because they don't get what they want is a d**k. Dude needs to grow up. It's not her debt he's trying to use her money for. It's his.

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Deanna Crichley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He immediately jumps to controlling household funds, because now she has her own money. Maybe it's not the first time he's been controlling with family money? Maybe she's trying to feel safe, and protect herself against that?

princedibbs avatar
Israel Martinez
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She was a SAHM using his disposable income while he was paying off his loans ... now she's a SAHM with her own disposable income while he is still paying off his loans ... she has every right to her own money without helping him, but he has every right to his own disposable income that she no longer needs to help pay off his loans in a timelier fashion ... he would be the a*****e for asking, but definitely not the a*****e for adjusting the income requirements based on need and availability ...

ryburns89 avatar
Ryan Burns
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you wanted to share everything, shouldn't have signed a prenup. It's her money.

rpeaslea_1 avatar
Pat Bond
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He didn't sign one. There is no mention of any kind of pre-nup. Wealth no matter how it's (legally) accrued during the course of a marriage is very much up for grabs should a divorce occur.

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vpwitter avatar
Valerie Witter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe things are rocky in the marriage and she doesn’t want to help pay for his pre-marriage bills. Once you put money into a joint account you can’t then count it as just yours any longer. If she keeps it separate and they split up, the inheritance stays hers and the husband gets none of it.

7000305 avatar
1.21Gigawatts?!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’d say ETA. The wife is only a small one. Sure she could help pay off OP’s loans as her inheritance is 5x his loans but at the end of the day she does what she wants. OP also just straight asked her (nothing wrong with that but it could be brought up in convo and not just asked) and said he’ll stop paying for her stuff when she said no. Solid everyone is an a*****e.

lorene-gaudin avatar
Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wife is a light AH for not offering to contribute more after getting the inheritance, but OP is the AH big time. Their student loan is a personal expense (and legally speaking, wife's clothing, phone and spa is not a personal expense). In many countries, inheritance is also considered personal and taken out the couple's budget. So OP's initial request is delusional and opens the door to controlling wife's finances. And after wife rightfully refuses, instead of talking it over with her, OP is just being petty and childish by forcing her to pay for 'her' expenses.

daniel-boak avatar
iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, she's not a "light AH" she's a giant, gaping AH back from an afternoon of overeating at Chipotle. So this is how it works, either all resources ( MONEY) is shared, or none of it is. Up until this situation arose, she contributed NOTHING FINANCIALLY. She was wholly supported by her husband. Now that she has the option to contribute financially to the family, she and it seems you too subscribe to the notion of "what's yours is ours and what's mine if mine" You get how student loan debt works right? Just because the owed amount is 1/5th her inheritance today if paid off in one lump sum, doesn't mean it won't end up being 2-3 times greater, or more, when paid off over time....and consider how much faster it would have been paid off if he wasn't footing the bill for her clothing, and phone, and whatever other non-essential expenses he covered. She refused to reciprocate now that's she able, and you think the husband is an AH because he won't continue being an ATM.

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willi santiago
Community Member
1 year ago

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I bet she's keeping the money because he's been super selfish about the money he earns, which he clearly views as "his". They need to get away from each other. I hate that guy

jlkooiker avatar
lenka
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's missing from this story is WHY the wife is "keeping the money". He doesn't say what she wants to do with it. Do they have a mortgage? Does she want to buy a family home? Is she putting it aside for the kids? For retirement? All he says is "I want it and she wont give it to me". Maybe she's the arsehole, but he's withholding relevant information.

daniel-boak avatar
iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago

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Does it really matter? A marriage is a partnership, and so far the husband has been the only one providing financial support. Loan debt doesn't stay constant, the longer you take to repay it, the more you end up paying. That doesn't just impact the husband, that impacts the whole family because HE'S THE ONLY WITH A JOB. You don't get to be a financial black whole, come into some money, refuse to contribute and expect everything to stay exactly the same. I'm sure there were plenty of things the husband would have liked to have done with the money he earned, but was unable after supporting his wife and children.

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shannonrichards25 avatar
ShareMusic
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ever since we married over 40 years ago, we've shared finances. All income, including inheritances and gifts no matter the giver or recipient, goes into the family funds. We only have joint bank accounts and the mortgage is in both our names. We've always paid off debts, student loans, car loans, even a mortgage (twice) because paying interest is anathema to me. There's a lot more to this story than OP is telling us.

el_bali avatar
Mari
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, my husband and I are also sharing everything. Family is way more important than money.

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skidog911 avatar
Kusotare
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. What they need to do is to have an honest and open discussion about finances, their relationship, their future, and how each of them sees each of these. If I were in either of their positions, I think I would expect that (a) some of the inheritance would be put to paying down the student loans; (b) some of the inheritance could be set aside for the wife's discretionary spending (that is, it's none of the husband's business what she spends it on); and (c ) MOST of the inheritance would go toward a retirement fund for the wife. How they do it is up to them, but they both need to stop thinking selfishly and consider the needs of their partnership. I get that each needs to consider that the partnership may not last so they want to protect 'their fair share', but that is part of the discussion that has not happened. A trusted financial advisor and estate planner might be very helpful here.

viviane_katz avatar
-
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Very sensible advice, including to get some outside advice. A good marriage counselor might also help them with how they view money and marriage. I knew one couple who were helped by a course on money that looked at what it symbolized to each person, how family of origin influenced their money habits, etc. The insights allowed them to understand each other and then compromise (in their case, the saver gave the spendthrift a small allowance to spend on themselves and the spender came to appreciate the saver's thriftiness).

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Queenie-Poo
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Technically, yes, she's right and I don't think she should be forced to pay that specific debt. BUT since she now has a way to help contribute financially, at least a portion of her inheritance should go towards paying the families bills. Maybe the compromise could be that now she pays for the grocery bill and utilities or the mortgage or something.

lorene-gaudin avatar
Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago

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Then OP should've asked her to contribute more to the family's expenses in the first place. Also, while wife's expenses for clothing, spa, etc. might look personal, since they're married, it's legally considered family expenses. And of course, OP's student loan is clearly personal since they took it before they were married. OP's initial request was simply out of place, and now they're being petty by 'punishing' their wife instead of finding the compromise you suggest.

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Notyomama
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Received an inheritance. Not huge, but not a pittance. My husband made more money than I did(at this time, but, not when we got together,) but he was almost legally blind. Not a ton more money...but still. FIRST thing I did was call a doctor and schedule Lasix. It cost a lot of money, but who cares? It was an investment into our futures and who wants to watch your significant other become disabled when a simple surgery could correct the issue? My mistake was watching the surgery in real time. Now my eyes are going and I'm like nope!! Not doing it. Point being, both should be on the same page financially. If he has threatened her, financially, prior to this, I could see her denying his request. That money might be her exit strategy. Guarantee, if he has done it this time, he has done it other times. Like others, I don't think we are getting the whole story.

pebs_1 avatar
pebs
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish you well, but the thing that surprises me is that the Lasix cost you a lot of money. In Europe it costs practically nothing, as well as surgery, if someone needs it. I'm really sorry for you American citizens. The only thing that pisses me off, though, is that your government is trying to export your terrifying lifestyle all over the world.

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CatWoman312
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow if I get a large inheritance I would pay off both mine and my husband's debts no questions asked. In the long run if he has more money every month because of not paying loans he could use it on her so it comes back. Money really can ruin everything and I think both should consider if the relationship is worth it.

daniel-boak avatar
iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm failing to grasp the reasoning so many are trying to say this is a case of both being AH's. The wife, does not work, at least in any manner that contributes financially to the family, and the first opportunity she has to do that her response is "NO! MINE!" why should anyone expect that the husband is going to continue to give her money for things that are expressly for her, and her alone? Just because the current student loan debt is 1/5th of her inheritance TODAY doesn't mean that's reflective of what the full amount will be if it needs to get paid out over a longer period of time. It could easily end up being two or three times the amount it is today, which means it's a much bigger financial strain on not only the sole provider, but the entire family. She doesn't have any excuse to not cover her own expenses anymore, and he has no motivation to cover them when she's shown herself to be selfish and greedy. You don't get to complain about someone doing the same thing back to you.

thandeit avatar
Random Panda
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Exactly! I'm baffled by the majority of the responses here. A marriage is a partnership and in the long run it would cost the family less to pay off his debt now. He is right to put his disposable income towards his debt now that his wife has her own money for her personal expenses. She doesn't want to share, so why should he?

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makotofletcher avatar
Wolf127
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh, what happened to the concept of marriage? Wife and hubby should help each other. Don't you love your spouse? It's not what the other inherited, it's what one can so to improve family finances. I truly cannot understand wife's refusal to pay hubby's student loan. Hell, the interest adds so much while the loan is being paid off.

troux avatar
Troux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Seems like the reasonable thing to do would be to lay out the math of the student loan. If paid off now, it costs X. If paid off in installments over time as originally planned, it costs Y. The difference between X and Y is how much more money would come in to the family as a whole, and of course the husband could pay her back over time without the crazy interest, but at that point it will beg the question, is she more concerned with her own wellbeing, or the family's wellbeing? As someone else mentioned, it would be helpful to understand what her plans for the money are if they aren't for the sake of the family finances. I would also be interested in knowing the unbiased history of the OPs spending or lack thereof on his wife.

faithhurst-bilinski avatar
Bi-Polar Express
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I see so many married people keeping MINE and YOURS and it can only work if you really mean it. Stupidly making the entire household pay interest on a student loan shows a lot of issues in this marriage. Unless it is OURS, it won't work.

thandeit avatar
Random Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what most of the commenters are missing. Not paying off the loan now puts a bigger financial strain on the family in the long run. They could save money from paying the interest and use it for something better.

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tdigits avatar
Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We have been married for over 45 years. Never once have we discussed finances as my money vs your money. Always had joint accounts and joint payment responsibility. Any couple who has "my' money" vs "your money" is only looking for problems. Grow the hell up!

tdigits avatar
Bobbi McGough Robert
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I forgot to add, for most of our marriage I was the main bread winner, and carried the medical benefits. It never occurred to me to consider that "my money".

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dfreg avatar
Leodavinci
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's NTA by any means. Do they have issues? Yes. But... with her inheritance, she doesn't need money from him for any of HER personal things he was paying for previously. He's not depriving her of "household" money she needs to run the household. No mention of how much she got, but considering what the average student loan debt is and that she received 5X what he owes, that is likely a considerable amount of money. Could easily be well over $150K. Her complaining about him not paying for HER personal "expenses" is entitled. Even as a SAH mom, she doesn't need his money for those things anymore. Is he entitled for expecting she would share? No, it's what you do in a relationship. She's not obligated to share, but she's the one that made this a "my money is MY money, and your money is OUR money" situation.

weathermonger1 avatar
Donna Harris
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

First off...what the heck? You're supposed to be a couple, a family. I'd pay off the loan (because really, isn't it ours? debt and all? Why do people even get married if they keep a running list of who owes who? OURS....our debt, our windfall, our disaster, our heartache, our pride and joy...see where I'm going with this? My husband and I have been together for more than thirty years now, and it's our struggles and our triumphs....otherwise everything is I , me and mine.....can't take it to the grave can you. Some people learn too late about what is important,and it's not money

polluxmixmaf avatar
Void Boi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with you and would do the same thing if my wife pulled that s**t. However, my wife wouldn't do that because we are a team. You guys might have bigger issues on your hands than just money.

howdylee avatar
howdylee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he's willing to cut her off financially, she is probably hanging onto the inheritance as the means to keep her & the kids afloat when they divorce. Is this the moment she finally gets to break free from a control freak? Is she already setting up the divorce lawyer? All speculation of course, but that'd be my guess. She has plans and knows not to mix "her" money because otherwise she'll never see it again.

valisbourne avatar
Valisbourne Spiritforge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Based on what he's said (not whatever may be floating about the story unsaid so far), I'd say he's definitely TA. There have got to be things the OP hasn't mentioned. Is she saving it for emergencies? As a getaway fund in case the marriage goes sour? Setting up higher education funds for the kids?

janak avatar
JanaK
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is thi "mine and yours" some american b******t? Everytime when the problem s financial, a lot of people say they have different accounts and just share their expenses? Somewhere between generations the family rules became very rude and brutal. This is not a family.

ltjlcd avatar
Carol Lewis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Been married for almost 40 years. Our marriage is a partnership. There is no your money or my money, its always been ours. There was a time when he was working and going to school at night that I made more money, he didn't have medical insurance. So I put him and his two sons from a previous marriage on my insurance because he was required to pay half of their medical. I had no problem with this. Later he made more money, we had a child together and I stayed home until he was school age then I went to work part time. There were never any issues from either of us about who was making the most money because it was always our money. If one of us had a windfall it was a windfall for both of us. I cared for him through cancer, he cared for me through my severe depression and anxiety after the loss of my brother and two dear friends who all died very close together. Partnership, friendship and love.

woofits avatar
Andrew Stewart
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is always room for compromise. She could make a large payment towards a mortgage or car loan and then re amortize the payments so that reduced monthly portion of the payment could be instead used to pay his student loans.

katejones_1 avatar
Kate Jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I understand the fear that you may get divorced in the future and now she is out an amount that was never intended for anyone else. But that's the risk you take when you get married. For richer, for poorer. If she feels it would be a waste on debt, then you should both agree to place it in a trust for the children, or to go toward something they both would benefit from, like mortgage reduction or a downpayment. The comic Ali Wong jokes that her husband had way more money than her when they got married and he and his family insisted on a prenup, but then 10 years later she's bonkers rich and he's angry because he can't sue for more now that they're divorcing. You can't have it both ways. Either she's in it for good or she's expecting to divorce. She shares in his money and he should share in hers. Paying off his debt would help her in the long run, too. If there are other issues going on-abuse or something- then I'd understand wanting to keep is separate. But again, that's the risk.

vickicunningham_1 avatar
Vicki Cunningham
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like one selfish wife who is really not invested in the family. I think it's perfectly fair that he doesn't pay for her expenses.

juwang1992 avatar
Tatiana Kouzmanoff
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you and your partner aren't pulling together in the same direction, then your marriage is doomed. Get counseling.

pebs_1 avatar
pebs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wonder why some people get married. In this case, the woman.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I inherited a sizable chunk from my Dad after his passing, but I used it to get us out of debt and put us in a better position to keep our heads above water until I got a full time job. Could I have just as easily hoarded it and used it for myself, sure! But that wouldn't have helped us out in the long run. The money is pretty much gone now, but our new financial position allows for us to earn more than we have before (now that I'm done with school.) You both have some growing up to do..her for hoarding the money, you for your reaction to her refusal. Both of you need to work together to make things better for the family as a whole. The smart thing would to pay off the student loan. But she's not obligated to do so.

lillianswaim avatar
Lillian Swaim
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

omg something similar happened to my sister but it was money from a lawsuit. The banks and fiduciaries all told her it was sound logic for their future for her to pay off his student loans. She paid off his debts then he divorced her and left her penniless. There was nothing she could do, many, many lawyers told her so.

kathmorgan avatar
kath morgan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Interesting. I have never thought of my student loans (which predate the marriage) as my husband’s responsibility. I hate the idea of him being burdened by it. I wouldn’t ask him to pay them off, I would then feel like I had a debt to him (which can make a power imbalance in a relationship). So I don’t see how she has any obligation here… but of course there is a lot of information we don’t have.

pauljellema avatar
Poeha
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He has to pay everything. My mother paid for my dad, when he studied. Then he got a good job and she could be a housewife and when we got older, she only worked part time. He always paid and still pays most. She has a little income for some extra stuff. They married, so it wasn't this is mine and that is yours.

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sareaesque668 avatar
Sareaesque
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. The way my partner and I work our finances is; Expenses are split into joint and individual, essential and non-essential. Split of joint finances is dependent of our respective finances after personal essentials are taken care of. Personal expenses and finances outside of joint expenses are 100% the responsibility of the individual, if one of us can't afford something we go without, and neither of us ask to borrow money off the other person, though we've both had months when we were struggling and the other person was happy to offer to pick up the slack for that month. Even when he wasn't working, he had a savings account with a monthly limit which we treated the same way. Based on that the way I view this situation is; outside of an agreement to cover essentials such as food, house, bills, childcare, he should have no more right to her inheritance money than she should to his wages.

sareaesque668 avatar
Sareaesque
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Admittedly, while this situation works just fine for us, I acknowledge that it isn't ideal for everyone, it's just how we've handled being in a similar situation.

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janice_parks_100 avatar
Janice Parks
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The fate of student loan may be up in the air depending upon politics of the day. Also, how much is the interest rate on the loan? Could she be earning more than the loan is costing? Also, saving money is smart and saving for the future is smarter. What are her goals for the money? Why isn’t the loan already paid off? Does she see warning signs from his handling of money? Is her spending money on herself out of control? If she does use her windfall to spend solely on herself as fun money then at least it’s not coming out of the family fund. If she’s trying to be wise with the money then I would lay off her and wait it out. His past behaviors may be driving her decision.

vpwitter avatar
Valerie Witter
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ok, the loans were made pre-marriage. Once she pays off his loan, that money is considered joint money. If they split up at some point, and maybe she has thought of this, she won’t be getting that money back. He should still be handling all the bills as the sole income provider OR there should be an agreement about what happens if they split up. Wouldn’t go over well, but I would have to do it. If they split up, it could take her a while to get back into the job market and she would probably need her inheritance.

elizabethdeighton101 avatar
Elizabeth Deighton
Community Member
11 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In a marriage, money should be ours. OK, both should have an amount that is theirs to spend on what each person wants as regards personal items. In this case, both need their heads banging together. Yes, the husband's debts for education were before marriage but it is the education that allows her to sah. At the same time, she has the full time job of looking after the children. Would like to hear her side of it

blatherskitenoir avatar
blatherskitenoir
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The debt predates her and the inheritance technically predates him. They should be kept completely separate. If he wants to play s****y games like this, she should stop any and all work. No more grocery shopping, no more bill paying, no more errands. If the kids are hungry, he can make them food. Paying off the loans is a nice to have, but not a necessity. If he drops dead tomorrow, his debt does with him, but if she poured her inheritance into it, that's gone forever. She also doesn't have her own retirement account or savings. Paying the debt would just give her husband a little extra play money each month, which would be frittered away here and there and disappear. If he wants to play stupid games, he can win stupid prizes: either his wife going back to "real" work while he has to take on 50/50 chores and a proportional amount of the day care fees, or he winds up divorced and paying child and spousal support, plus half of his assets, because inheritances are not counted.

annarodarte avatar
Kookie Karnival
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...I'm very glad they clarified that the fighting cats are not the actual fight.

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alloutbikes@yahoo.com
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unless he is trying to free himself of debts, use up "her " money, and keep her trapped.

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Joel Emmett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sure, some successful couples have separate finances, although I think it suggests a transactional relationship, rather than one based on mutual respect and admiration, where they grow closer over time. Regardless, most lasting marriages seem to share a similar moral sense, which may not be the case here. Troubling.

susanne avatar
Susanne B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have the feeling, that the wife wants to put the money away for herself, because she fears that her husband will leave her some day.

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LilliVB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They both really suck. If you don't agree otherwise, and in a family the finances are shared, you can't expect that the money from one part belongs to both and then when you have money it belongs just to you. And this is exactly what the wife is doing firstly, and then what the husband is doing either to get some kind of revenge. But if you can't work as team in a family, regardless of where the money comes from, you are cooking up the right recipe for a divorce.

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JanaK
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Revenge... No, she has the money for herself, he pays all the bils and the food, just stopped giving her money for personal needs. If her money are just for her, he has the right to decide how to spend his money. It can't be "My money are just my money, i would save them just because i want that, but you will keep giving me personal money". Since she wants for them to have separate money, she shouldn't expect something else.

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Aleš Kaučič
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is litteraly no f....g way to give my money to my wife, gf,etc. She can go to work if she needs money.

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Valerie Smart
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don’t know.... on the fence here....she is wrong by not allowing money to be used for family ...he is wrong to demand money be used on him...without context it’s really confusing.

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The Starsong Princess
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The first rule of receiving an inheritance is don’t commingle it with matrimonial funds if you don’t want it to be a marital asset. I’m wondering if she thinks he is trying to get her to commingle. I’m sure the person who left it to her designated it “for her sole and exclusive use”. The obvious answer is to consult a lawyer and do a post-nup.

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Justacrow
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I want to know why she doesn't want to help. What would happen to the income influx after debts are paid? Paying off/buying a house? College funds? Or does he have a history of spending all extra money on himself and would be spending it on gaming, drinking, an obsessive funko pop collection? I would pay off the loans personally, but not if I know every penny is going to be blown or that my husband was finacially stupid.

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Rhonda Stark
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While I don't like her attitude, I understand it. After 47 years, two kids, 4 grands and countless moves over the years, I don't think money troubles are going to split us up. But the truth is that I spent years when our kids were small at home. My career choice was for its flexibility, so I would be employable in whatever market his better paid job took us to. I earned half what he did and worked fewer years. My 401k is about half what his is. We don't have ''his money and her money,'' and windfallscalways went to improving the family, but in a different marriage, I can see how bolstering her own IRAs with some of the inheritance first, paying off debt on joint assets, and saving for the children would be prudent, and could trump paying off his loans.

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Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Student loans are a scam where college should be free. Don't throw your money or your wife's money into that black hole. You'll just encourage the debt-masters.

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xolitaire
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So you decide to cut her off financially the moment she doesn't agree to hand her money over? Looks to me like she had good reason to hang on to it.

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Creature Cargeaux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

.... the fact that he's the sole earner & is controlling as F**K makes me think that she doesn't want to use HER money to pay of HIS loans.. because this is a pattern in their relationship.. he's a selfish brat. He's the AH.. I side with her... we don't see her side of this but from the way he's acting.. I suspect that this is not a one off & whenever he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum & "cuts her off".... my husband & I just went thru the same thing. I inherited a little bit of money from my dad who passed in 2020.. except when I tried to pay off our debts with it.. my husband got upset & said "that's your Money! Not bill money! Don't spend that on bills & debts when we are not struggling to pay for necessities & stuff! Save that money & do something fun with it!" He didn't want a penny of it. He's the sole earner. He controls our finances normally. I've decided I want to take 1/2 & invest it for us.. & use the rest for a vacation for us or something. We are a team!

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Creature Cargeaux
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

& if my husband inherited tons of money I would say the same thing to him. This relationship is a mess & I think the husband is a d**k.. honestly. Anyone who financially abuses their partner & withholds money FROM THEIR SPOUSE & THEIR FAMILY just because they don't get what they want is a d**k. Dude needs to grow up. It's not her debt he's trying to use her money for. It's his.

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Deanna Crichley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He immediately jumps to controlling household funds, because now she has her own money. Maybe it's not the first time he's been controlling with family money? Maybe she's trying to feel safe, and protect herself against that?

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Israel Martinez
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She was a SAHM using his disposable income while he was paying off his loans ... now she's a SAHM with her own disposable income while he is still paying off his loans ... she has every right to her own money without helping him, but he has every right to his own disposable income that she no longer needs to help pay off his loans in a timelier fashion ... he would be the a*****e for asking, but definitely not the a*****e for adjusting the income requirements based on need and availability ...

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Ryan Burns
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you wanted to share everything, shouldn't have signed a prenup. It's her money.

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Pat Bond
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He didn't sign one. There is no mention of any kind of pre-nup. Wealth no matter how it's (legally) accrued during the course of a marriage is very much up for grabs should a divorce occur.

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Valerie Witter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe things are rocky in the marriage and she doesn’t want to help pay for his pre-marriage bills. Once you put money into a joint account you can’t then count it as just yours any longer. If she keeps it separate and they split up, the inheritance stays hers and the husband gets none of it.

7000305 avatar
1.21Gigawatts?!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’d say ETA. The wife is only a small one. Sure she could help pay off OP’s loans as her inheritance is 5x his loans but at the end of the day she does what she wants. OP also just straight asked her (nothing wrong with that but it could be brought up in convo and not just asked) and said he’ll stop paying for her stuff when she said no. Solid everyone is an a*****e.

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Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wife is a light AH for not offering to contribute more after getting the inheritance, but OP is the AH big time. Their student loan is a personal expense (and legally speaking, wife's clothing, phone and spa is not a personal expense). In many countries, inheritance is also considered personal and taken out the couple's budget. So OP's initial request is delusional and opens the door to controlling wife's finances. And after wife rightfully refuses, instead of talking it over with her, OP is just being petty and childish by forcing her to pay for 'her' expenses.

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iseefractals
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, she's not a "light AH" she's a giant, gaping AH back from an afternoon of overeating at Chipotle. So this is how it works, either all resources ( MONEY) is shared, or none of it is. Up until this situation arose, she contributed NOTHING FINANCIALLY. She was wholly supported by her husband. Now that she has the option to contribute financially to the family, she and it seems you too subscribe to the notion of "what's yours is ours and what's mine if mine" You get how student loan debt works right? Just because the owed amount is 1/5th her inheritance today if paid off in one lump sum, doesn't mean it won't end up being 2-3 times greater, or more, when paid off over time....and consider how much faster it would have been paid off if he wasn't footing the bill for her clothing, and phone, and whatever other non-essential expenses he covered. She refused to reciprocate now that's she able, and you think the husband is an AH because he won't continue being an ATM.

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willi santiago
Community Member
1 year ago

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I bet she's keeping the money because he's been super selfish about the money he earns, which he clearly views as "his". They need to get away from each other. I hate that guy

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