Man Breaks Down Why Strict Parents Unwittingly Set Their Children Up For Failure Later In Life
We all had that one friend at school who had to be back by 8pm no matter what. Some say putting discipline on their kids is healthy, but when does it become too much?
And although harsh discipline strategies like yelling and spanking are no longer something that millennial parents would tolerate (after often having experienced a fair share of that from their own parents), that doesn’t mean strict parenting tactics have become redundant.
Recently, a Twitter user @theyaobansah shared an illuminating thread on how “having strict parents sets you up for failure later in life.” So he broke down the ways that growing up with strict parents affects your walks of life, like career choices and relationships, and the thread has resonated with many people. Amassing 64.4k likes and 17.3k retweets, it shed light on the scope of damage that overly controlling parents can sometimes cause.
Image credits: theyaobansah
Image credits: theyaobansah
Image credits: theyaobansah
Image credits: theyaobansah
Image credits: theyaobansah
Image credits: theyaobansah
According to the recent survey conducted by Zero To Three, 73% of parents named parenting as their biggest challenge in life. However, when it comes to disciplining their children, parents seem to use a wide range of tactics, but many are not seen as the “most effective” approach in raising kids.
More than half of parents, 57%, said that they honestly struggle with figuring out the most effective way to discipline, while 42% say they do not want to yell or raise their voice as quickly as they do. Moreover, 35% agreed that they lose their temper too fast and that they’re not happy with that.
The same survey showed that parenting styles and approaches are slowly shifting from that of the previous generation’s moms and dads. While moms and dads say that the way they were raised is a primary influence on their own parenting, many say they are more positive and present and use fewer harsher discipline tactics than their own parents used with them.
As a result, roughly half of all millennial and Generation X parents see themselves as being more positive and present, which gives hope that needlessly harsh discipline is finally becoming redundant.
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Share on FacebookOther than the title suggests, this is not really about strict parents. It is about unrealiable, selfish, controll-feaky ones. Parents needs to be strict in the literal sense to a certain degree, because the worst that you can do to your kids is to be neither reliable nor consistent in your decisions. This means, that an occasional "no" is a "no", even if it is strict sometimes – unless there is a good reason to abandon what you decided earlier. Being strict does not imply not listening to your children and being up for reason! However, the basic relationship should be built on trust, in both ways. And this includes letting children take their own decisions as often as reasonable, and that from a very early age on. This naturally limits the degree of strictness and will lead to a balance. And it particularly means to always treat children with respect and dignity – from changing the first diaper on.
The parents I admire are strict about certain things (such as doing homework and chores), but allow their children to express themselves. They also tailor expectations and approaches to each child, based on each child's character and abilities. I was raised by strict over-protective parents (so not well-prepared for adulthood), so I'm impressed by their kids being responsible young adults when I was out partying way too much at their age.
Load More Replies...Strict parent: be polite, do your chores/homework, at least try new foods, do your best .... punishment is a sad face and a lecture and you feel bad ..........CONSTRICTIVE parenting: You do as I say or I beat you down with words and/or fists There is a difference. Mom was strict. Dad was constrictive. Mom saw her children as small people. Dad saw as slaves to obey him and who knows what-else. .......Strict as in having rules is fine. CONstrictive ----- punishment for normal behaviors like not being perfect ----- is NOT.
My Mom sounds like your Dad. Any advice on how to talk to her about my problems? I have tried but she tells me "I'm being dramatic."
Load More Replies...Another thing: Absolutely wrecked my social life. If I finally made friends, my parents never letting me out if the house or having any sort of social media (even Pinterest!) made me lose all of them
Omg this. Whenever I bring up getting social media or even texting apps (I was only allowing WhatsApp when I turned 13 and my parents read all my texts and had to approve what people I texted with) my parents would get annoyed and tell me that people shouldn’t rely on social media to make friends. But the truth of it is, when you don’t have stuff like that it’s harder to connect with people and when that connection isn’t there you eventually start losing friends.
Load More Replies...Me: Mom, Dad, I want to be a zoologist when I'm older! ... Parents: No, they make no money. ... Me: I want to be an artist! ... Parents: No, you saw how it didn't work out for your brother. ... Me: I want to be an animator! ... Parents: We don't need another animator in the family. ... Parents: Why don't you be an account? ... Me: *trying not to cry* ... BTW: Zoologists actually make A LOT of money, AND my brother is really doing quite alright with his art!
I want to either be an M.D. or a zoologist. Don't give a crap about what your parents want you to be. (Being an accountant sounds really boring). BTW, if you like zoology you should check out explore.org. It is live wildlife cameras streaming from Africa, Asia, and other places! Super cool!
Load More Replies...I have to say this.My dad may he rest in peace wasn't strict.He was an alcoholic who didn't know how to raise kids and as a result my mom may she rest in peace was depressed and didn't let any of us her 6 kids have lives of their own no finishing high school no going to college no getting jobs no having babies none of that was allowed in my family As a result my oldest sister has only 3 kids she rebelled against everything.I have 1 child (will be having more asap) and none of us have careers.My brothers and sisters all believe they were raised the right way.When God gives me a chance I am getting out of this place and will NOT raise my future kids the way I was raised.My mother was very strict manipulative and controlling and when we did rebel she made it seem as if it were our fault.She has been dead for 3 years this month and I know it's wrong of me to say but I dont miss her.I had a horrible life.
It's not wrong. it's honest to say that. I don't miss my late dad or my late sister, his apprentice in being an utter nightmare to anyone weaker/smaller. Let it go. She was a biological parent, but not a *mom*. My father was biologically a father, and a great drill instructor, but a rotten *dad*. It's okay to walk away from that. In Al-Anon, we used to say "Love, but from a safe distance". And if you can't love, hey, that's okay too. I wish you joy in your journey!
Load More Replies...I was raised by overly strict religious freaks. I left home at 14. Didn't go back in 43 years, although did talk on phone etc. No I didn't go mad drinking, didn't do drugs. Never accepted the BS I got told, or took to heart the criticism..I knew then it was their problem, not mine. I live with mum now, as carer, she's still the same but she's learned, shut up or I tell her how she is...disrespectful sure, but she knows it's true. So she does shut up. Everyone is different she says and I say for sure, stop trying to make everyone be like you. And at least I was immunised against religion and other fairyland nutcase theories.
Various kinds of Asian (because Asia is big and also includes Indian subcontinent) kids will disagree.
The only thing strict parents "accomplish" is to set the bar so high, the children can only fail = Feel like a complete failure all the time, and have absolutly ZERO self-esteem.
My parents are the control freak types. I can tell you one thing about having these kind of parents, you get very very good at lying. Got a bad grade? Lie. Wore an outfit you weren’t supposed to? Lie. Ate junk food for lunch? Lie.
Me growing up was like this. Looking back the school and kindergarten education was also like this. I was never allowed to do anything much. Think of going to visit a friend living across a highway - I was not allowed to cross that street even at 15. A few years later a traffic light was installed and elementary school kids crossed there on foot every day. Talk about demeaning. Or school event with me leaving early because I was not allowed to stay long in my mind. Actually mom would've allowed maybe but I never even thought to ask because I thought I knew the answer already. At the same time since I was 6 I went to school alone, came home alone, stayed home alone - my mom worked in a town half an hour away by bus. My dad worked as a tractor driver and was unreachable unless in summer holidays I spent the whole day with him. Mind you this was before mobile phones. What we had were neighbour grannies who talked to my mom when she came home to report about me not wearing a hat etc
I think that we have all seen now what the effects of kids not having boundaries set has caused due to the current parenting and trends at school. Ferrel groups running amuck, no respect for authority in what ever form you choose that to be, when i was a kid you respected people now. My parents taught me basic manners and cause and effect.
"Feral"? Really? Tell me, did you walk walk to school uphill both ways too?
Load More Replies...This really hit right on the nail. I have strict parents who went through lots of hardship growing up, especially my mother. Between the two of them, my mother's definitely the stricter one. She basically controls everything in the house and nothing will happen if she said no lol. Growing up, she'd told me and my siblings to 'study hard, get a good and stable job, get married', which is very hard haha. She is so strict that I don't have much friends because she don't really allow me to go out except when I turned 21 (Unbelievable, right?) but it's hard to make friends when you're at that age already tbh. Not only that, she talks about grandchildren, marriage and stuff recently. I've never dated before and she is expecting grandchildren? The expectation is tough...
Such a tub of baloney! My parents were strict, as were all the parents around us, and I'm glad they were. None of us, save one, ever rebelled, that being the dumbest thing we could ever have done, and none of us turned out to be anything but straight, honest, hardworking citizens in decent jobs and with good homes. Oh, and the word is not "click," it's CLIQUE. Please use a dictionary when you're writing so you can use believable language 🙄.
The one thing I wish was different about strict parents is that I haven't developed a strong self esteem, and still struggle at age 61 with confidence and being comfortable in social situations.
Yes I know the kids can't be allowed to do whatever they want for obvious reasons but being strict or conservative is not going to help in anyway. You're just raising a socially awkward, naive and really good with telling lies kind of kids. Instead of scolding them or forcing them to do their homework try to convince them with logical point about WHY and HOW doing homework is going to help them.
Took me a while to get myself together where I could actually feel "free". I have na okay situation now after all I've been through, and this was with both rough parents and relatives who gave me mixed messages. Take some advice they give, but turn it into something you can use.
The first time I got to go out alone was when I was 16 and she was so drunk she could barely talk. I had to bring my brothers to school, skip school myself and go to the store use my own money and buy 60-120 dollars worth of groceries. She still deny’s any of this.
I was so coddled and sheltered growing up that the moment I had a taste of freedom when I got to college, I turned into a party animal and totally bombed out of school. Obviously I made those decisions, not them, but I think if I had a little longer leash (or none at all?) growing up, I would've gone less wild when I moved out, and maybe would've been more successful if I'm honest. The saddest part is that because my parents are so judgmental, at the ripe old age of 37 I still don't feel comfortable having deep conversation with them. I feel like they barely know me for who I really am. Strict is one thing, but at least let your kids LIVE and don't shoot down every word that comes out of their mouth.
I agree and this is me (61 yrs old). Afraid to try because you might fail and "thats the worst thing you can do". Difficulty expressing yourself because "you're wrong", love unwisely, very introverted so you don't cause "drama", waves, or make anyone mad or upset that you are your own person (heaven forbid), etc...
Or the equally ridiculous: they expect you to act like an adult, yet they treat you like a child...
Its a sad f*****g life really *sigh* I want to leave so bad but I have no idea where'd I'd go...
You're the person he's talking about so of course you think that it's not rocket science. You're very predictable
Load More Replies...Start rehab from bottling now! For only 7.99 an hour, you can recover. My uncle recovered from being a bot in 2 weeks! Start now and set up your new life at www.get.a.real.job.org
Load More Replies...Other than the title suggests, this is not really about strict parents. It is about unrealiable, selfish, controll-feaky ones. Parents needs to be strict in the literal sense to a certain degree, because the worst that you can do to your kids is to be neither reliable nor consistent in your decisions. This means, that an occasional "no" is a "no", even if it is strict sometimes – unless there is a good reason to abandon what you decided earlier. Being strict does not imply not listening to your children and being up for reason! However, the basic relationship should be built on trust, in both ways. And this includes letting children take their own decisions as often as reasonable, and that from a very early age on. This naturally limits the degree of strictness and will lead to a balance. And it particularly means to always treat children with respect and dignity – from changing the first diaper on.
The parents I admire are strict about certain things (such as doing homework and chores), but allow their children to express themselves. They also tailor expectations and approaches to each child, based on each child's character and abilities. I was raised by strict over-protective parents (so not well-prepared for adulthood), so I'm impressed by their kids being responsible young adults when I was out partying way too much at their age.
Load More Replies...Strict parent: be polite, do your chores/homework, at least try new foods, do your best .... punishment is a sad face and a lecture and you feel bad ..........CONSTRICTIVE parenting: You do as I say or I beat you down with words and/or fists There is a difference. Mom was strict. Dad was constrictive. Mom saw her children as small people. Dad saw as slaves to obey him and who knows what-else. .......Strict as in having rules is fine. CONstrictive ----- punishment for normal behaviors like not being perfect ----- is NOT.
My Mom sounds like your Dad. Any advice on how to talk to her about my problems? I have tried but she tells me "I'm being dramatic."
Load More Replies...Another thing: Absolutely wrecked my social life. If I finally made friends, my parents never letting me out if the house or having any sort of social media (even Pinterest!) made me lose all of them
Omg this. Whenever I bring up getting social media or even texting apps (I was only allowing WhatsApp when I turned 13 and my parents read all my texts and had to approve what people I texted with) my parents would get annoyed and tell me that people shouldn’t rely on social media to make friends. But the truth of it is, when you don’t have stuff like that it’s harder to connect with people and when that connection isn’t there you eventually start losing friends.
Load More Replies...Me: Mom, Dad, I want to be a zoologist when I'm older! ... Parents: No, they make no money. ... Me: I want to be an artist! ... Parents: No, you saw how it didn't work out for your brother. ... Me: I want to be an animator! ... Parents: We don't need another animator in the family. ... Parents: Why don't you be an account? ... Me: *trying not to cry* ... BTW: Zoologists actually make A LOT of money, AND my brother is really doing quite alright with his art!
I want to either be an M.D. or a zoologist. Don't give a crap about what your parents want you to be. (Being an accountant sounds really boring). BTW, if you like zoology you should check out explore.org. It is live wildlife cameras streaming from Africa, Asia, and other places! Super cool!
Load More Replies...I have to say this.My dad may he rest in peace wasn't strict.He was an alcoholic who didn't know how to raise kids and as a result my mom may she rest in peace was depressed and didn't let any of us her 6 kids have lives of their own no finishing high school no going to college no getting jobs no having babies none of that was allowed in my family As a result my oldest sister has only 3 kids she rebelled against everything.I have 1 child (will be having more asap) and none of us have careers.My brothers and sisters all believe they were raised the right way.When God gives me a chance I am getting out of this place and will NOT raise my future kids the way I was raised.My mother was very strict manipulative and controlling and when we did rebel she made it seem as if it were our fault.She has been dead for 3 years this month and I know it's wrong of me to say but I dont miss her.I had a horrible life.
It's not wrong. it's honest to say that. I don't miss my late dad or my late sister, his apprentice in being an utter nightmare to anyone weaker/smaller. Let it go. She was a biological parent, but not a *mom*. My father was biologically a father, and a great drill instructor, but a rotten *dad*. It's okay to walk away from that. In Al-Anon, we used to say "Love, but from a safe distance". And if you can't love, hey, that's okay too. I wish you joy in your journey!
Load More Replies...I was raised by overly strict religious freaks. I left home at 14. Didn't go back in 43 years, although did talk on phone etc. No I didn't go mad drinking, didn't do drugs. Never accepted the BS I got told, or took to heart the criticism..I knew then it was their problem, not mine. I live with mum now, as carer, she's still the same but she's learned, shut up or I tell her how she is...disrespectful sure, but she knows it's true. So she does shut up. Everyone is different she says and I say for sure, stop trying to make everyone be like you. And at least I was immunised against religion and other fairyland nutcase theories.
Various kinds of Asian (because Asia is big and also includes Indian subcontinent) kids will disagree.
The only thing strict parents "accomplish" is to set the bar so high, the children can only fail = Feel like a complete failure all the time, and have absolutly ZERO self-esteem.
My parents are the control freak types. I can tell you one thing about having these kind of parents, you get very very good at lying. Got a bad grade? Lie. Wore an outfit you weren’t supposed to? Lie. Ate junk food for lunch? Lie.
Me growing up was like this. Looking back the school and kindergarten education was also like this. I was never allowed to do anything much. Think of going to visit a friend living across a highway - I was not allowed to cross that street even at 15. A few years later a traffic light was installed and elementary school kids crossed there on foot every day. Talk about demeaning. Or school event with me leaving early because I was not allowed to stay long in my mind. Actually mom would've allowed maybe but I never even thought to ask because I thought I knew the answer already. At the same time since I was 6 I went to school alone, came home alone, stayed home alone - my mom worked in a town half an hour away by bus. My dad worked as a tractor driver and was unreachable unless in summer holidays I spent the whole day with him. Mind you this was before mobile phones. What we had were neighbour grannies who talked to my mom when she came home to report about me not wearing a hat etc
I think that we have all seen now what the effects of kids not having boundaries set has caused due to the current parenting and trends at school. Ferrel groups running amuck, no respect for authority in what ever form you choose that to be, when i was a kid you respected people now. My parents taught me basic manners and cause and effect.
"Feral"? Really? Tell me, did you walk walk to school uphill both ways too?
Load More Replies...This really hit right on the nail. I have strict parents who went through lots of hardship growing up, especially my mother. Between the two of them, my mother's definitely the stricter one. She basically controls everything in the house and nothing will happen if she said no lol. Growing up, she'd told me and my siblings to 'study hard, get a good and stable job, get married', which is very hard haha. She is so strict that I don't have much friends because she don't really allow me to go out except when I turned 21 (Unbelievable, right?) but it's hard to make friends when you're at that age already tbh. Not only that, she talks about grandchildren, marriage and stuff recently. I've never dated before and she is expecting grandchildren? The expectation is tough...
Such a tub of baloney! My parents were strict, as were all the parents around us, and I'm glad they were. None of us, save one, ever rebelled, that being the dumbest thing we could ever have done, and none of us turned out to be anything but straight, honest, hardworking citizens in decent jobs and with good homes. Oh, and the word is not "click," it's CLIQUE. Please use a dictionary when you're writing so you can use believable language 🙄.
The one thing I wish was different about strict parents is that I haven't developed a strong self esteem, and still struggle at age 61 with confidence and being comfortable in social situations.
Yes I know the kids can't be allowed to do whatever they want for obvious reasons but being strict or conservative is not going to help in anyway. You're just raising a socially awkward, naive and really good with telling lies kind of kids. Instead of scolding them or forcing them to do their homework try to convince them with logical point about WHY and HOW doing homework is going to help them.
Took me a while to get myself together where I could actually feel "free". I have na okay situation now after all I've been through, and this was with both rough parents and relatives who gave me mixed messages. Take some advice they give, but turn it into something you can use.
The first time I got to go out alone was when I was 16 and she was so drunk she could barely talk. I had to bring my brothers to school, skip school myself and go to the store use my own money and buy 60-120 dollars worth of groceries. She still deny’s any of this.
I was so coddled and sheltered growing up that the moment I had a taste of freedom when I got to college, I turned into a party animal and totally bombed out of school. Obviously I made those decisions, not them, but I think if I had a little longer leash (or none at all?) growing up, I would've gone less wild when I moved out, and maybe would've been more successful if I'm honest. The saddest part is that because my parents are so judgmental, at the ripe old age of 37 I still don't feel comfortable having deep conversation with them. I feel like they barely know me for who I really am. Strict is one thing, but at least let your kids LIVE and don't shoot down every word that comes out of their mouth.
I agree and this is me (61 yrs old). Afraid to try because you might fail and "thats the worst thing you can do". Difficulty expressing yourself because "you're wrong", love unwisely, very introverted so you don't cause "drama", waves, or make anyone mad or upset that you are your own person (heaven forbid), etc...
Or the equally ridiculous: they expect you to act like an adult, yet they treat you like a child...
Its a sad f*****g life really *sigh* I want to leave so bad but I have no idea where'd I'd go...
You're the person he's talking about so of course you think that it's not rocket science. You're very predictable
Load More Replies...Start rehab from bottling now! For only 7.99 an hour, you can recover. My uncle recovered from being a bot in 2 weeks! Start now and set up your new life at www.get.a.real.job.org
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