“This Was An Instant No From Me”: Bride Denies Stepson’s Request To Do Powerpoint Display Honoring His Late Mom At Wedding, Family Drama Ensues
Finding yourself in a family with a step relative has become a reality for many — 1,300 new step and blended households are formed every day in the United States, showing it is one of the fastest-growing family types in the country. However, 75% say they are not getting the resources needed to properly understand their new domestic situation.
So when Redditor Throwaquickadvice faced a family dilemma with her fiancé and his son, she decided to seek advice from the “Am I The A-Hole” (AITA) community. The woman and her partner decided to tie the knot before the end of this year but the joys of planning one of the biggest days of their life got clouded by a troubling conflict that divided the family.
You see, her 17-year-old stepson wondered if he could do a slideshow honoring his late mom at the wedding. “He is the most sensitive and emotional kid I’ve ever met,” the user wrote. However, the woman firmly believes her big day has nothing to do with the teenager’s mom. Feeling unsure of how she handled the situation, she asked people on the internet to help her find a way out of this dispute. Read on for the whole story and let us know what you think of it in the comments.
Navigating your new stepfamily situation is far from an easy task, especially when you’re faced with a void left by a biological mother
Image credits: Asad Photo Maldives (not the actual photo)
So when this woman’s stepson asked if he could do a slideshow honoring his late mom at her wedding, she turned to the internet to ask whether she was wrong to refuse
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Leah Kelley (not the actual photo)
Later on, she added some more information to the story
Image credits: Throwaquickadvice
Seeing a new woman come into your family after losing your mom is anything but easy. At the same time, it’s also daunting to navigate the minefield of parenting and deal with the grieving process of the people you care about. While becoming a stepparent is difficult for almost everyone, it’s impossible to fill the void left by a biological mom. You want to be respectful and avoid trying to take the child’s parent’s place, but you still want to be there for them and show support along the way.
Statista reports that as of 2019, there were nearly 2.4 million children under the age of 18 who were considered stepchildren based on their relationship with the householder in the United States. Finding yourself in a new blended family comes with challenges that vary greatly depending on the type of domestic situation you find yourself in.
To learn more about the difficulties in creating relationships with new family members, we reached out to Dr. Lisa Doodson, a psychologist and author of How to be a Happy Stepmum. She is also the founder of Happy Steps, the UK’s only research-based stepfamily resource center that aims to help families and individuals strengthen their relationships.
“Stepfamilies take a long time to form — much longer than people expect or want, and one of the reasons is role confusion,” Dr. Doodson told Bored Panda. “We know what a mum or dad’s role is, but stepparents and stepchildren is far less clear. The best way to approach this is to talk to your partner about your expectations and understand theirs. If there are differences, then try and find compromises,” she said and added that you might need more time to adapt and feel more confident.
When it comes to grief, everyone handles it differently. Many people online sympathized with the stepson’s and his father’s sorrow but also sided with the woman who found herself in the middle of this transition. “Becoming a stepparent in any situation is hard as there is always a loss (either through separation or death) and family members are grieving for their loss. It also depends on the ages of the children and the time they have had to adjust to their loss,” the psychologist said.
“For someone trying to enter this family dynamic, I’d recommend taking things slowly and finding a place for the parent who died — such as photos or reminders in a specific area of the home (rather than everywhere) and not trying to replace them but slowly finding your own place,” Dr. Doodson suggested.
On top of that, trying to find a way out of a family dispute can make stepparents feel overwhelmed. The psychologist noted we should remember there are always two sides to every disagreement and it’s important to understand why people are behaving the way they are.
“In this situation, I suspect the stepson feels guilty that everyone is moving on without his mum and he wants to find a way of remembering her and reminding everyone how much she was loved.” Dr. Doodson suggested it would be a good idea for the couple to talk to him to explain they recognize his feelings and try to find another way. “Maybe a separate family celebration, inviting close family and friends to celebrate her before their wedding.”
“Disputes are common and normal and everyone finds a way to adapt and change. If you remember to look for the positives rather than focusing on the issues then you should be able to work through the challenges.”
“Stepfamilies are full of complex relationships and emotions. There is often no quick fix but with patience and kindness, you will find the right way for your new family to work and flourish,” Dr. Doodson concluded.
The vast majority of Redditors deemed the user was NTA — “Not The A-Hole” — here’s what they had to say
I like the suggestion of bride watching slideshow w son and planning the memorial together, but I'm more inclined to the red flag warnings - the boy obviously has issues his father refuses to acknowledge and deal with, indicating the father doesn't have his act together either.
You're absolutely correct, as well as LH25 below also. It's been 6 years and this young adult has not processed any of his emotions or been dealing with the loss of his mother. It was three years before his dad met the lady that he is engaged to marry now, and there should have been progress made during this time period. It seems like dad just let him fall through the cracks and it's not been healthy for either one of them that nothing was addressed during that time. Instead his son has been withdrawn, doesn't interact with family or friends, doesn't celebrate any holiday or special occasions, and it seems as though time has stood still for him since his mother passed away. It's really disturbing that he is frozen in time. He absolutely needs help and should have had it years ago. I do agree that approaching him with the idea for a special memorial service for his mother before the wedding (if they insist it proceeds) would be the best thing to offer. Cont below.
Load More Replies... It really sounds like at stepson needs grief counseling, it's been 6 years and he doesn't seem to be living his life. And the dad needs to stop taking the path of least resistance and get him help, wanted or not. I agree with the comments that this family is not ready to include the OP.
EXACTLY what I was thinking. He NEEDS therapy because he isn't living his life. It's not her wedding anymore it's another woman's memorial
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That poor boy is still struggling with his grief, his father seems to be no help, and OP is caught in the crossfire. Bad situation overall.
NTA. This is your wedding, not her memorial service. If your fiancé doesn’t agree, then delay the wedding. Regardless, your stepson needs therapy and your fiancé needs to insist. You all would benefit from some family therapy. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with any of you - you just need some tools to resolve these types of conflicts.
Kid is being passive-aggressive towards dad's fiancee and showing her how he feels about her with this powerpoint presentation about his mom.
NTA. Nope. nope, nope to that situation. This is your wedding, your day, not the stepson's or his mom's. This is a super huge red flag and if the fiancee is wanting to allow it then it's only going to get worse after you're married. It's clear to me that your fiancee is prioritizing his son over you and on your wedding day to boot! You should call the wedding off, period. Why? Because you will be miserable if you allow this, and if you don't and the kid really is depressed, he may do something to himself that you will be blamed for, for the rest of your life. This is a no-win scenario.
NTA. A wedding is a celebration of two people who have decided to make a life together. A memorial has no place in such a celebration. If I were a guest, I would be horribly uncomfortable at being made to feel sad at what should be a celebration. Perhaps you could suggest to your fiancé and stepson that you all organize a memorial celebration to benefit the fight against cancer at a later date. This would be much more appropriate and actually raise funds for a worthy cause. (Note: I organized one of these for a friend who lost his wife. Businesses were more than willing to donate items to be raffled off, and loads of people volunteered to make food. Even the band played for free. This is the way.)
I don't think the Stepson wants his father to remarry. He doesn't want his deceased mother's place taken. This is likely a deliberate act of sabotage. Clearly the kid needs help and his angry reaction to even the suggestion of therapy, plus his insistence that he get his way is a good indication of a lot of resentment, which will only get worse. 6 years is a long time and obviously his mental health has gone untreated for so long it may manifest into a serious disorder as he grows older. This kind of anger and sense of entitlement (however sympathetic we are to his loss) will only become more problematic if unchecked. Kids, yes even grieving ones, still need boundaries. Otherwise, they won't have them as adults. What he is asking is inappropriate, period, and the OP has been more than patient in her response. Her fiancee needs to grow up and parent his son .
No, a wedding is NOT the place for a memorial to a deceased spouse. Have a picture or two on a table but that's it. And he's 17? No. He should have gotten counseling long before now and it's not like you are a sudden presence in his life.
I don't think the kid is grieving, I think he's being territorial. This is him pissing a circle around his dad and the current status quo. He wants to put the new wife in her place as never good enough, always just a substitute, right from day one.
Were there seriously no YTA comments to pull from the thread? Because yikes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that a lot of people at this wedding would have been at the fiance's 1st wedding. His wife died, they didn't divorce. It shouldn't be a faux pas to acknowledge her. Pretending she never existed and thinking the husband and son should just get over her is way more of a red flag.
Load More Replies... This would make anyone at the wedding uncomfortable. Let's put it this way, would the groom and his family be okay if the bride were once married to a solider who died at war and they had a child together who wants to put up a PowerPoint in the middle of the wedding reception. Is this a great way to show the happiness of a new married couple or that everyone should remember who the bride used to marry and what she's marrying now is just a substitute. Where is the joy of the joining of the new married couple ? I don't see it and I don't think anyone else in the wedding do either.
Not marriage, but my son was killed in an accident 15 years ago this month, right before Thanksgiving. Anyone who tries to tell me that "it's time to move on" gets shut down immediately and hard. NOBODY can put a cap on how long anyone grieves, and that young man, the 17 y.o. boy, is probably having a very hard time with the finality of Dad getting married, leaving his life with his first wife behind. Why can't anyone see that the boy isn't ready to let go of his mother as yet? The "bride" doesn't seem to have any clue as to how grief works, nor does it have any idea how truly difficult it is to have to finally let go of the deceased person. It needs to be in therapy, not the boy! Personally, if I was stupid enough to get married again, and I'd thought of putting such a thing together, I'd most certainly be honoring my late son's memory. But I'm not about to put myself through the hell of reliving the pain of my son's death and all the hideous grief that took years to get over.
Ummm, no...NTA. Your fiance isn't drawing boundaries for his son- it's understandable as he may be overcompensating out of concern for the lad. But allowing the son to obtusely dictate the happenings of his & OP's wedding is dicey. The fiance needs more time to heal (as does the son.) Maybe delay the wedding(?) A memorial service w/ OP's assistance & blessing is a great idea- the son will know he's being considered prior to the nuptials. Bereavement doesn't have a time table. Maybe the marriage ought wait.
Speaking from experience, I wish I had stuck to my convictions and not let my teenage son overrule my suggestion of therapy. At this point, it would be family counseling or no wedding. Both men need to deal with grief issues and dad needs to be a parent and stop letting his child decide what's best for the household.
Why didn't they do the slideshow or PowerPoint at his deceased mothers funeral, sounds like he wants to be in control to myself
I would think twice before marrying this man. He is not committed to you. The young man is 17 and old enough to know that life goes on. But Dad is not going to follow his vows to you. The son will do everything he can to put a wedge in-between you and your man. He knows exactly what he is doing. All kids can manipulate to get their way. You need to walk away before you step into something that will cost mentally and financially to you.
Well this could go two ways... You let him do it and... First kid shows something like "hey moms gone but now welcome my new mom"...and you would cry an feel like an a*s shutting it down for so long. You let him do it and... It's all about her not being there an photos of her and new hubby an kid and it's uncomfortable all around Or you do t let him do it. Ask him to see it first before saying no. Simple as that. Then say you an his dad will discuss it.
Kid very obviously needs therapy. Dad chickening out is not helping. This kind lady should move on.
I thought this was going to be an article about how the stepmom had a problem with her stepson wanting to play this slideshow at his OWN wedding. She is not wrong, and I agree with the commenters who say the fiancé and son are still grieving and it might be best to postpone for a bit until they're both ready.
She's the a*****e. Very insensitive. Until you go through a death like that you will never know. She is greedy. Mean and a narcissistic
tulleoftheman has earned every ounce of my respect and I hope that I can develop that level of cool, calm, and collected. <3
The moment the son brought the idea up, I would have said "Yes, that sounds wonderful. But let's do it on Mother's Day so the wedding doesn't distract from your beautiful presentation." Sometime an alternate "Yes" is easier to take than a flat "No".
What is WRONG with people and their obsession of hogging other people's weddings for their own issues? Good grief, do a memorial service! The people on the side if the bride won't even KNOW the bio-mom. Adn the dad needs a kick in the a*s and get his son some help!
I would speak to your fiabce and say that you have decided to wait to get married until they are BOTH ready. It is wrong for the 17 yrd old to even suggested this and even more so for his father to back him. Neither are ready. Im sorry for YOUR loss. You probably wouldn't have agreed to marry if you knew this lurking.
I know how difficult this is. We lost a daughter and grief can do some funky things to your mind while trying to process it. Each person that is a part of our lives brings out unique qualities in us. When that person dies, we also lose that part of who we are as well. It's kind of like losing 2 people instead of just 1. 11 years old is a very difficult age to lose your mom. A child is still developing who they are and what their place is in life. Everything may have just stopped for your stepson at the moment of his mothers death. You apparently care deeply about the loss these 2 men went through before they met you. Your stepson is still trying to find those pieces of himself that are gone forever. He is trying to find a way to have mom there with him. This "request " is really not about his relationship with you. I am so sorry that he has refused grief counseling. He seems to need help to process his mom's death. Possibly a small memorial table w video playing in her honor
And another marriage off to a great start with one partner dictating to the other what "we" are going to do. I give it 5 years or less.
Stepson's mom died 6 years ago, and he still hasn't been able to move on, at all. He really needs some counseling now. Of course, a PP presentation of her, at dad's wedding to another woman is totally crazy. Stepson can not be allowed to dictate ANYTHING at this wedding, it is not about him. I think dad is going along because he just doesn't know what to do with his son.
The concept of weddings being "her day" needs to go. Weddings are a celebration of a family's love, and this family is significantly more complex than others. If you think this boy is going to "move on" from his dead parent, I can only assume you have never lost anyone close to you. Let the kid play his tribute. Hell, maybe be a good mom and offer to help /be involved. YTA.
Quite frankly I find the idea of having a chair for her and/or pictures of her (where would these pictures even be displayed?) rather inappropriate, too.
Nta. I'm still grieving and missing my dad, I will always miss him, but if my mom wanted to move on, I'd be ok with it. Even though the stepson maybe respectful to her and is okay with the marriage, a part of him is still grieving the loss of his mother and isn't ready to see his father with another woman. A sit down counseling session would be good for all evolved and she could explain that she isn't trying to replace his mother as his only mother or expect him to call her mom right away. However, I'm also concerned about the father. It sounds like a part of him isn't ready to move on yet as he thinks he is. He and his son should have solo counsel sessions where they can openly express how they truly feel.
NTA. A wedding has nothing to do with the previous wife. The father needs to get help for the boy and plan a memorial or something at another time. The wedding is not about the boy.
Fact: the SO and the stepson have not moved on fron their loss. You need to step back and either let them finish mourning their loss, or exit the situation. They have presented you with a united front of not-ready,. If you cave on this issue, be prepared to continue giving in to the memory of the deceased for the rest of the relationship. If I were you, I would bail.
There are NAH, though I think the bride should be more understanding. I think the appropriate thing to do would have been to talk to the 17 year old and ask if they could make a power point presentation together. They could have looked at this as the bride joining their family. She isn't replacing the boy's mom. The stepson is an important part of that family and the mother is an important part of his life. Creating a power point presentation together, which included his mom, would be a way to show that she is joining this family and not replacing his mom.
NTA. Nobody is. But Kid has feelings he is probably not mature enough to process. Step-Mom-2-B is within her rights to veto the PowerPoint, and Dad has completely checked out. I know Dad is in a tough place and thinks that letting the Kid show the PowerPoint is the path of least resistance, but it shows a lack of respect for SM2B....you know, his future wife. And it foretells that he'll put Kid before SM2B for the rest of their lives. SM2B and Dad have to tell Kid that it ain't happening, as gently as possible - and they have to be UNIFIED in their resolve. They should then engage Kid in coming up with some alternate means of honoring Deceased Mom. Almost any other way. I'm sure Kid fears on some level that the addition of SM2B in their lives somehow diminishes or dishonors the memory of Deceased Mom, and they need to address that fear.
I would bail out like my butt was on fire, the OP is simply the 'replacement mommy'.
Did she watch the video? Did she give it a chance? I just don't understand the absolutely no part. There's a gray area for every situation. & if you're asking AITA then maybe it's because you think you are because you probably are. There has to be a compromise. You love this family, yes?
So put a different spin on this. While I agree that it could make some people uncomfortable, I think the way you react will set the tone. Say a few words before it’s shared explaining how she played a vital role in molding the men to be the wonderful people that they are…not these exact words, but I’m sure you understand what I mean. In the grand scheme of things, its really not a big deal unless it’s made to be one. 20 years from now, people aren’t going to be talking about how you allowed her to be memorialized at your wedding. What they WILL remember. (And your soon to be step son as well) is how thoughtful it was that you considered your step son and his feelings.
You really don't understand why she might not want her WEDDING to be all about another woman? Really?
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I like the suggestion of bride watching slideshow w son and planning the memorial together, but I'm more inclined to the red flag warnings - the boy obviously has issues his father refuses to acknowledge and deal with, indicating the father doesn't have his act together either.
You're absolutely correct, as well as LH25 below also. It's been 6 years and this young adult has not processed any of his emotions or been dealing with the loss of his mother. It was three years before his dad met the lady that he is engaged to marry now, and there should have been progress made during this time period. It seems like dad just let him fall through the cracks and it's not been healthy for either one of them that nothing was addressed during that time. Instead his son has been withdrawn, doesn't interact with family or friends, doesn't celebrate any holiday or special occasions, and it seems as though time has stood still for him since his mother passed away. It's really disturbing that he is frozen in time. He absolutely needs help and should have had it years ago. I do agree that approaching him with the idea for a special memorial service for his mother before the wedding (if they insist it proceeds) would be the best thing to offer. Cont below.
Load More Replies... It really sounds like at stepson needs grief counseling, it's been 6 years and he doesn't seem to be living his life. And the dad needs to stop taking the path of least resistance and get him help, wanted or not. I agree with the comments that this family is not ready to include the OP.
EXACTLY what I was thinking. He NEEDS therapy because he isn't living his life. It's not her wedding anymore it's another woman's memorial
Load More Replies... That poor boy is still struggling with his grief, his father seems to be no help, and OP is caught in the crossfire. Bad situation overall.
NTA. This is your wedding, not her memorial service. If your fiancé doesn’t agree, then delay the wedding. Regardless, your stepson needs therapy and your fiancé needs to insist. You all would benefit from some family therapy. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with any of you - you just need some tools to resolve these types of conflicts.
Kid is being passive-aggressive towards dad's fiancee and showing her how he feels about her with this powerpoint presentation about his mom.
NTA. Nope. nope, nope to that situation. This is your wedding, your day, not the stepson's or his mom's. This is a super huge red flag and if the fiancee is wanting to allow it then it's only going to get worse after you're married. It's clear to me that your fiancee is prioritizing his son over you and on your wedding day to boot! You should call the wedding off, period. Why? Because you will be miserable if you allow this, and if you don't and the kid really is depressed, he may do something to himself that you will be blamed for, for the rest of your life. This is a no-win scenario.
NTA. A wedding is a celebration of two people who have decided to make a life together. A memorial has no place in such a celebration. If I were a guest, I would be horribly uncomfortable at being made to feel sad at what should be a celebration. Perhaps you could suggest to your fiancé and stepson that you all organize a memorial celebration to benefit the fight against cancer at a later date. This would be much more appropriate and actually raise funds for a worthy cause. (Note: I organized one of these for a friend who lost his wife. Businesses were more than willing to donate items to be raffled off, and loads of people volunteered to make food. Even the band played for free. This is the way.)
I don't think the Stepson wants his father to remarry. He doesn't want his deceased mother's place taken. This is likely a deliberate act of sabotage. Clearly the kid needs help and his angry reaction to even the suggestion of therapy, plus his insistence that he get his way is a good indication of a lot of resentment, which will only get worse. 6 years is a long time and obviously his mental health has gone untreated for so long it may manifest into a serious disorder as he grows older. This kind of anger and sense of entitlement (however sympathetic we are to his loss) will only become more problematic if unchecked. Kids, yes even grieving ones, still need boundaries. Otherwise, they won't have them as adults. What he is asking is inappropriate, period, and the OP has been more than patient in her response. Her fiancee needs to grow up and parent his son .
No, a wedding is NOT the place for a memorial to a deceased spouse. Have a picture or two on a table but that's it. And he's 17? No. He should have gotten counseling long before now and it's not like you are a sudden presence in his life.
I don't think the kid is grieving, I think he's being territorial. This is him pissing a circle around his dad and the current status quo. He wants to put the new wife in her place as never good enough, always just a substitute, right from day one.
Were there seriously no YTA comments to pull from the thread? Because yikes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that a lot of people at this wedding would have been at the fiance's 1st wedding. His wife died, they didn't divorce. It shouldn't be a faux pas to acknowledge her. Pretending she never existed and thinking the husband and son should just get over her is way more of a red flag.
Load More Replies... This would make anyone at the wedding uncomfortable. Let's put it this way, would the groom and his family be okay if the bride were once married to a solider who died at war and they had a child together who wants to put up a PowerPoint in the middle of the wedding reception. Is this a great way to show the happiness of a new married couple or that everyone should remember who the bride used to marry and what she's marrying now is just a substitute. Where is the joy of the joining of the new married couple ? I don't see it and I don't think anyone else in the wedding do either.
Not marriage, but my son was killed in an accident 15 years ago this month, right before Thanksgiving. Anyone who tries to tell me that "it's time to move on" gets shut down immediately and hard. NOBODY can put a cap on how long anyone grieves, and that young man, the 17 y.o. boy, is probably having a very hard time with the finality of Dad getting married, leaving his life with his first wife behind. Why can't anyone see that the boy isn't ready to let go of his mother as yet? The "bride" doesn't seem to have any clue as to how grief works, nor does it have any idea how truly difficult it is to have to finally let go of the deceased person. It needs to be in therapy, not the boy! Personally, if I was stupid enough to get married again, and I'd thought of putting such a thing together, I'd most certainly be honoring my late son's memory. But I'm not about to put myself through the hell of reliving the pain of my son's death and all the hideous grief that took years to get over.
Ummm, no...NTA. Your fiance isn't drawing boundaries for his son- it's understandable as he may be overcompensating out of concern for the lad. But allowing the son to obtusely dictate the happenings of his & OP's wedding is dicey. The fiance needs more time to heal (as does the son.) Maybe delay the wedding(?) A memorial service w/ OP's assistance & blessing is a great idea- the son will know he's being considered prior to the nuptials. Bereavement doesn't have a time table. Maybe the marriage ought wait.
Speaking from experience, I wish I had stuck to my convictions and not let my teenage son overrule my suggestion of therapy. At this point, it would be family counseling or no wedding. Both men need to deal with grief issues and dad needs to be a parent and stop letting his child decide what's best for the household.
Why didn't they do the slideshow or PowerPoint at his deceased mothers funeral, sounds like he wants to be in control to myself
I would think twice before marrying this man. He is not committed to you. The young man is 17 and old enough to know that life goes on. But Dad is not going to follow his vows to you. The son will do everything he can to put a wedge in-between you and your man. He knows exactly what he is doing. All kids can manipulate to get their way. You need to walk away before you step into something that will cost mentally and financially to you.
Well this could go two ways... You let him do it and... First kid shows something like "hey moms gone but now welcome my new mom"...and you would cry an feel like an a*s shutting it down for so long. You let him do it and... It's all about her not being there an photos of her and new hubby an kid and it's uncomfortable all around Or you do t let him do it. Ask him to see it first before saying no. Simple as that. Then say you an his dad will discuss it.
Kid very obviously needs therapy. Dad chickening out is not helping. This kind lady should move on.
I thought this was going to be an article about how the stepmom had a problem with her stepson wanting to play this slideshow at his OWN wedding. She is not wrong, and I agree with the commenters who say the fiancé and son are still grieving and it might be best to postpone for a bit until they're both ready.
She's the a*****e. Very insensitive. Until you go through a death like that you will never know. She is greedy. Mean and a narcissistic
tulleoftheman has earned every ounce of my respect and I hope that I can develop that level of cool, calm, and collected. <3
The moment the son brought the idea up, I would have said "Yes, that sounds wonderful. But let's do it on Mother's Day so the wedding doesn't distract from your beautiful presentation." Sometime an alternate "Yes" is easier to take than a flat "No".
What is WRONG with people and their obsession of hogging other people's weddings for their own issues? Good grief, do a memorial service! The people on the side if the bride won't even KNOW the bio-mom. Adn the dad needs a kick in the a*s and get his son some help!
I would speak to your fiabce and say that you have decided to wait to get married until they are BOTH ready. It is wrong for the 17 yrd old to even suggested this and even more so for his father to back him. Neither are ready. Im sorry for YOUR loss. You probably wouldn't have agreed to marry if you knew this lurking.
I know how difficult this is. We lost a daughter and grief can do some funky things to your mind while trying to process it. Each person that is a part of our lives brings out unique qualities in us. When that person dies, we also lose that part of who we are as well. It's kind of like losing 2 people instead of just 1. 11 years old is a very difficult age to lose your mom. A child is still developing who they are and what their place is in life. Everything may have just stopped for your stepson at the moment of his mothers death. You apparently care deeply about the loss these 2 men went through before they met you. Your stepson is still trying to find those pieces of himself that are gone forever. He is trying to find a way to have mom there with him. This "request " is really not about his relationship with you. I am so sorry that he has refused grief counseling. He seems to need help to process his mom's death. Possibly a small memorial table w video playing in her honor
And another marriage off to a great start with one partner dictating to the other what "we" are going to do. I give it 5 years or less.
Stepson's mom died 6 years ago, and he still hasn't been able to move on, at all. He really needs some counseling now. Of course, a PP presentation of her, at dad's wedding to another woman is totally crazy. Stepson can not be allowed to dictate ANYTHING at this wedding, it is not about him. I think dad is going along because he just doesn't know what to do with his son.
The concept of weddings being "her day" needs to go. Weddings are a celebration of a family's love, and this family is significantly more complex than others. If you think this boy is going to "move on" from his dead parent, I can only assume you have never lost anyone close to you. Let the kid play his tribute. Hell, maybe be a good mom and offer to help /be involved. YTA.
Quite frankly I find the idea of having a chair for her and/or pictures of her (where would these pictures even be displayed?) rather inappropriate, too.
Nta. I'm still grieving and missing my dad, I will always miss him, but if my mom wanted to move on, I'd be ok with it. Even though the stepson maybe respectful to her and is okay with the marriage, a part of him is still grieving the loss of his mother and isn't ready to see his father with another woman. A sit down counseling session would be good for all evolved and she could explain that she isn't trying to replace his mother as his only mother or expect him to call her mom right away. However, I'm also concerned about the father. It sounds like a part of him isn't ready to move on yet as he thinks he is. He and his son should have solo counsel sessions where they can openly express how they truly feel.
NTA. A wedding has nothing to do with the previous wife. The father needs to get help for the boy and plan a memorial or something at another time. The wedding is not about the boy.
Fact: the SO and the stepson have not moved on fron their loss. You need to step back and either let them finish mourning their loss, or exit the situation. They have presented you with a united front of not-ready,. If you cave on this issue, be prepared to continue giving in to the memory of the deceased for the rest of the relationship. If I were you, I would bail.
There are NAH, though I think the bride should be more understanding. I think the appropriate thing to do would have been to talk to the 17 year old and ask if they could make a power point presentation together. They could have looked at this as the bride joining their family. She isn't replacing the boy's mom. The stepson is an important part of that family and the mother is an important part of his life. Creating a power point presentation together, which included his mom, would be a way to show that she is joining this family and not replacing his mom.
NTA. Nobody is. But Kid has feelings he is probably not mature enough to process. Step-Mom-2-B is within her rights to veto the PowerPoint, and Dad has completely checked out. I know Dad is in a tough place and thinks that letting the Kid show the PowerPoint is the path of least resistance, but it shows a lack of respect for SM2B....you know, his future wife. And it foretells that he'll put Kid before SM2B for the rest of their lives. SM2B and Dad have to tell Kid that it ain't happening, as gently as possible - and they have to be UNIFIED in their resolve. They should then engage Kid in coming up with some alternate means of honoring Deceased Mom. Almost any other way. I'm sure Kid fears on some level that the addition of SM2B in their lives somehow diminishes or dishonors the memory of Deceased Mom, and they need to address that fear.
I would bail out like my butt was on fire, the OP is simply the 'replacement mommy'.
Did she watch the video? Did she give it a chance? I just don't understand the absolutely no part. There's a gray area for every situation. & if you're asking AITA then maybe it's because you think you are because you probably are. There has to be a compromise. You love this family, yes?
So put a different spin on this. While I agree that it could make some people uncomfortable, I think the way you react will set the tone. Say a few words before it’s shared explaining how she played a vital role in molding the men to be the wonderful people that they are…not these exact words, but I’m sure you understand what I mean. In the grand scheme of things, its really not a big deal unless it’s made to be one. 20 years from now, people aren’t going to be talking about how you allowed her to be memorialized at your wedding. What they WILL remember. (And your soon to be step son as well) is how thoughtful it was that you considered your step son and his feelings.
You really don't understand why she might not want her WEDDING to be all about another woman? Really?
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