Mother “Saw Red” After She Heard How Her Daughter Talks With Her Nanny, Comes Up With Punishment That MIL Is Not Happy About
Interview
Being a loving and compassionate parent is difficult. On one hand, you have to be understanding and ‘hip’ with whatever your little one is going through; on the other, you have to set boundaries, do’s and don’ts of what is allowed – before it turns into a little, uncontrollable rapscallion that get you called in into the principle’s office every week.
Here’s a situation: you come home only to find your 13-year-old daughter shouting at your beloved nanny Abba for asking to put her dirty clothes in the hamper. Uh-oh. Do you let your oldest scot-free, take on full responsibility for young lady’s upbringing or find a fitting punishment?
The way 40-year-old mom of three handled the situation in this story, although with a heavy heart, was plain and simple: make the child tend after herself and hope she will become the Mother Mary of teenage daughters. Maybe she will finally appreciate things! Well, everything would have been fine if not for the fact that teens have a tendency to rebel and run away, seeking support from anyone who’s not their parent or a teacher (readers, they don’t like either of those when something’s not right).
Receiving an unsupportive and rather unnecessary reaction from her mother-in-law and her family of “extremely spoiled brats”, the author of the story started doubting if she and her husband weren’t too harsh with their daughter. And what is a better way to settle things than do it on the trusted ‘Am I The Jerk’ subreddit?
Here’s how the full story goes. And if you’re into family dramas like this one (we don’t judge), check this and this out.
Heavy-hearted parents decided to teach their out of control 13 y.o. daughter some manners and things got out of hand
Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
This is how the hormone-addled story goes
“Having people in our home to help us is a privilege, not a right”
Image credits: Suspicious-Room5169
Both parents and non-parents were on the same page with the general verdict
As with most multidimensional family dramas, we can only see the tip of the iceberg. There’s much more happening underneath the surface. That’s why we decided to reach out to parenting expert Dr. Carl Pickhardt. “This is a good example of an ‘early adolescent explosion,’ Austin-based psychologist and the author of ‘Who Stole My Child?: Parenting through the Four Stages of Adolescence’ told Bored Panda. He believes this is a normal step for any person who is transitioning from childhood to early adolescence. And when you want to claim your independence, resistance is the most obvious option for a 13-year-old.
“She has more emotional intensity to manage as loss of childhood, self-conscious changes of puberty, and social pressures of belonging with peers,” Pickhardt added. We all been there — when you are being lead by your hormone-fueled, complicated feelings in response to unwanted demands. Phase when Kurt Kobain’s lyrics make the most sense. Doctor says this is most likely what happened and suggests to parents to tread the whole experience lightly because it can damage the relationship with their daughter.
Brownie points for the mom for not backing down after MIL stepped in
“Blame doesn’t solve any problems,” Pickhardt said, adding that additional punishment for seeking support elsewhere isn’t necessary in this scenario — something that handful of users suggested. “Try to provide the emotional support at home she needs, instead — show her that she is still loved after what she has done.” He then underlines the importance of communication which is “the most effective discipline” according to his practice.
As a father of four beautiful kids, Pickhardt himself understands the shock of getting the first taste of unfiltered adolescence. “Good parents have good children who will sometimes behave badly during the normal trial and error process of growing up,” he told Bored Panda. The final thing Pickhardt commented on is “the badly torn relationships at home” he sensed from the story, guessing that the young lady might be feeling “scared and lonely.”
But then there’s nothing a professional family therapy cannot fix, he reminded us. “More communication is the answer, and it sounds like this is on its way.”
The parents are lovely. The punishment is very good. Not harsh but full of lessons. The MIL is dangerous and will try to control the girl. Treating your help like sh!t is wrong on so many levels. I do think that the girl is at an age that she will try things out, puberty has hit her hard and there might be some bad influences from her friends? Not an excuse but could be a reason.
Yes, if her siblings aren't that way, then it indicates maybe soemone else is giving the kid life lessons she prefers b/c she's, well, y'know... 13. Rational thought is going into long-term storage till she's out of puberty!
Load More Replies...
Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice. MIL never worked a day in her life, wouldn't wanna hear what she has to say to a working mom.
Sounds like excellent parenting. You really should address where she has learned that behaviour from though. talk about a horrific situation to walk in on. She's clearly been taught that from someone inn your household. I suspect MIL. You need to keep undoing the damage.
She's 13. At that age it's pretty normal for kids to lash out at parents for example. The poor nanny got the nanny version of "I hate you, mom."
Load More Replies... It must be hard to raise decent children, when they grow up privileged. Of course they don't understand what it's like to live less privileged, especially not at 13. And puberty also doesn't particularly help kids see reason.
I have to wonder if the daughter was talking to the MIL very often without her parents knowledge before this happened. It's funny that the first thing she did was call grandmother.
When I was a nanny the 10 yo child said something like that to me concerning clearing his dishes from the table. I said "Your parents pay me to act for them as if they were here, and they have you clear your dishes from the table." He complied, LOL. But he also wasn't a teenager then...
Since when do MIL have any say over their grand children or how they are raised and educated? Banning these shyteheads from your life can only improve it. Hope the parents will stay firm and ignore everyone who is trying to tell them that insulting people and being a belligerent asshole comes with being rich.
I would not make her look after the puppy on her own but it's for the puppys sake because dogs are a huge responsibility and they are living being
Unless the parents plan to send them off to university with personal servants, those kids need to start doing some chores. If you're not planning on supporting them in this life of ease as a grown up, you need to prepare them to fend for themselves. I get the feeling that is not their plan as they pointed out to Bea that she doesn't have money and Abba doesn't work for her. Not teaching them how to live on their own is doing them a disservice.
i appreciate the mother, as I myself come from a family that is..umm..tight on money. low-income.
NTA. Your daughter is lucky this is how you punished her, if my grandmother had heard me speak to someone like that, my face would be black & blue. I wouldn't offer the child therapy sessions, she doesn't need them, she's just a spoiled entitled brat, and it's unfair to ask the nanny to attend therapy too just because your daughter is a total dic*. How about some trauma for the girl to wisen her up? Speak to the mother of the poorest family you know, ask if you can pay her to have your daughter live with her for a week, she can speak to your daughter and treat her HOWEVER she sees fit. After a week, watch your daughters attitude change when she's living in a not-so-fancy house, with NO ONE doing anything for her or even having that option, and the other mother treating her like crap all week. It may sound harsh, but i've known too many of these A-hole privileged children, and if you don't smack it out of them hard when they're young, they're going to grow up into a first rate A-hole.
The parents sounded like wonderful people. My brother and I fortunate enough to grew up with full-time nannies and live-in maid and housekeepers. I, myself, have gone through this "phase" where I was rude to them and was never disciplined nor told what I did was wrong as both my parents were too busy working and travelling (they are great people, I promise). However, I outgrew it and learned to be more respectful towards everyone. People can change to be better and smarter as they get older. I now always treat everyone (doesn't matter if you're janitor or CEO) the same way. I hope the same for their kid. My point is, fortunate/privileged kids don't always turn out to be bad people.
Absolutely fitting punishment. Tell MIL that she is not Bea's parent and has no say over discipline. She needs to mind her own business.
You and your husband are great parents. No matter how much money a family has, they still need to be respectful to everyone.
I would start with where she copied this behaviour from and then proceed to fix it.
It's always hard when parents disagree on parenting and air it out, but this is so easy - both parents agree! It's only irrelevant parties who seem to have alternative opinions. This is a layup.
Yes, these non- Asian kids are lucky. If I talked like that to any helper, my mother would slap me in front of everyone to teach us and no , it’s not abuse, it’s discipline and manners. Even my father who doesn’t scold us, would be highly disappointed.
Ruining your daughter??!! Demanding her to respect others, despite their position in life, not to bully, and appreciate how lucky she is? Sounds like real abuse. Hopefully you can nip this behavior in the bud. She is young enough that you may be able to still effect a change in her behavior.
Who the f**k cares what the MIL thinks? Given the title, I was expecting the husband/father to be a waffler on this, kowtowing or accommodating his mother. I'm super happy to see he's fully with you - but that just means there's no issue. You're the parents, you're both in agreement, MIL can sod off.
NTA but I would like to point out to people that the daughter is definitely going through a tough patch. I don't know what friends she has but at 13 I think there's a whole cocktail of things going on that hop fully therapy can work out to get her out of this current attitude. The Nanny has been with the family their whole lives and this seems to be the first time something like this has happened. My instincts are screaming teen peer group and I think these parents are doing their best and I wish them success in working through this
Should have also said, teen peers AND the MIL for sure. Idk what poison that woman is putting in her but she's definitely a woman who wouldn't appreciate the 'help'
Load More Replies...
Good parenting!!!! Time for you and husband to talk about boundaries on MIL and contact with your family period. As in she has none with your children without you both present until they live outside your home. How is daughter able to contact MIL anyway with no electronics which I'll assume is phone too? Landline? End that. MIL close by? Time to discuss her moving to an area more suitable for people her age (old folks home in another state). Go restraining order if you have to on MIL. Yes that is extreme. Remember you don't need that s**t in your family. Hubs will likely be in agreement.
Mil needs to butt out. This is a conversation between parties within the household. First with nanny then daughter, might call it an A & B talk and Mil can C herself out of it. She wasn't invited or welcome.
Too bad it's punishment, Bea should learn how to care for herself anyway. Great parenting. NTA. MIL should butt out. My sister lived with me for several years when she was young. I did all laundry that was in the hampers. She was really upset one morning when she didn't have any clean clothes. I had just done the laundry over the weekend. Where are her dirty clothes? On the closet floor. She wore her least dirty that day and learned how to use the washer and dryer when she came home. She still didn't use the hamper, but she knew how to get clean clothes.
This reads less like a genuine question/concern and more like OP knows they are NTA but just wants to make sure everyone knows their in-laws are awful.
I see a lot of AITA posts where the person seems to know they are probably not in the wrong, but are facing lots of opposition from people in their lives. I usually interpret these posts as people venting and getting support from strangers because they are surrounded by unreasonable people and/or want an anonymous venue so they don’t have to air their “dirty laundry” to the people around them. Nothing at all wrong with that IMO.
Load More Replies...
Since the mother said she returned home a few days early, kids especially young teenage daughters tend to act out when their mommy's not home. They're used to seeing their mom taking care of them and looking after the house. Seeing another woman doing their mom's job causes them to react and they act out on the woman because they want to make her feel less than she is as a way of making themselves feel better and that she is no replacement for their mom. It happens with kids and their teachers too. I studied a bit of child psychology in education. What this girl needs is her mommy. If the mom goes away a lot it can cause problems for her kids.
No one ever says that about a father who travels for business.
Load More Replies...
The parents are lovely. The punishment is very good. Not harsh but full of lessons. The MIL is dangerous and will try to control the girl. Treating your help like sh!t is wrong on so many levels. I do think that the girl is at an age that she will try things out, puberty has hit her hard and there might be some bad influences from her friends? Not an excuse but could be a reason.
Yes, if her siblings aren't that way, then it indicates maybe soemone else is giving the kid life lessons she prefers b/c she's, well, y'know... 13. Rational thought is going into long-term storage till she's out of puberty!
Load More Replies... Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice. MIL never worked a day in her life, wouldn't wanna hear what she has to say to a working mom.
Sounds like excellent parenting. You really should address where she has learned that behaviour from though. talk about a horrific situation to walk in on. She's clearly been taught that from someone inn your household. I suspect MIL. You need to keep undoing the damage.
She's 13. At that age it's pretty normal for kids to lash out at parents for example. The poor nanny got the nanny version of "I hate you, mom."
Load More Replies... It must be hard to raise decent children, when they grow up privileged. Of course they don't understand what it's like to live less privileged, especially not at 13. And puberty also doesn't particularly help kids see reason.
I have to wonder if the daughter was talking to the MIL very often without her parents knowledge before this happened. It's funny that the first thing she did was call grandmother.
When I was a nanny the 10 yo child said something like that to me concerning clearing his dishes from the table. I said "Your parents pay me to act for them as if they were here, and they have you clear your dishes from the table." He complied, LOL. But he also wasn't a teenager then...
Since when do MIL have any say over their grand children or how they are raised and educated? Banning these shyteheads from your life can only improve it. Hope the parents will stay firm and ignore everyone who is trying to tell them that insulting people and being a belligerent asshole comes with being rich.
I would not make her look after the puppy on her own but it's for the puppys sake because dogs are a huge responsibility and they are living being
Unless the parents plan to send them off to university with personal servants, those kids need to start doing some chores. If you're not planning on supporting them in this life of ease as a grown up, you need to prepare them to fend for themselves. I get the feeling that is not their plan as they pointed out to Bea that she doesn't have money and Abba doesn't work for her. Not teaching them how to live on their own is doing them a disservice.
i appreciate the mother, as I myself come from a family that is..umm..tight on money. low-income.
NTA. Your daughter is lucky this is how you punished her, if my grandmother had heard me speak to someone like that, my face would be black & blue. I wouldn't offer the child therapy sessions, she doesn't need them, she's just a spoiled entitled brat, and it's unfair to ask the nanny to attend therapy too just because your daughter is a total dic*. How about some trauma for the girl to wisen her up? Speak to the mother of the poorest family you know, ask if you can pay her to have your daughter live with her for a week, she can speak to your daughter and treat her HOWEVER she sees fit. After a week, watch your daughters attitude change when she's living in a not-so-fancy house, with NO ONE doing anything for her or even having that option, and the other mother treating her like crap all week. It may sound harsh, but i've known too many of these A-hole privileged children, and if you don't smack it out of them hard when they're young, they're going to grow up into a first rate A-hole.
The parents sounded like wonderful people. My brother and I fortunate enough to grew up with full-time nannies and live-in maid and housekeepers. I, myself, have gone through this "phase" where I was rude to them and was never disciplined nor told what I did was wrong as both my parents were too busy working and travelling (they are great people, I promise). However, I outgrew it and learned to be more respectful towards everyone. People can change to be better and smarter as they get older. I now always treat everyone (doesn't matter if you're janitor or CEO) the same way. I hope the same for their kid. My point is, fortunate/privileged kids don't always turn out to be bad people.
Absolutely fitting punishment. Tell MIL that she is not Bea's parent and has no say over discipline. She needs to mind her own business.
You and your husband are great parents. No matter how much money a family has, they still need to be respectful to everyone.
I would start with where she copied this behaviour from and then proceed to fix it.
It's always hard when parents disagree on parenting and air it out, but this is so easy - both parents agree! It's only irrelevant parties who seem to have alternative opinions. This is a layup.
Yes, these non- Asian kids are lucky. If I talked like that to any helper, my mother would slap me in front of everyone to teach us and no , it’s not abuse, it’s discipline and manners. Even my father who doesn’t scold us, would be highly disappointed.
Ruining your daughter??!! Demanding her to respect others, despite their position in life, not to bully, and appreciate how lucky she is? Sounds like real abuse. Hopefully you can nip this behavior in the bud. She is young enough that you may be able to still effect a change in her behavior.
Who the f**k cares what the MIL thinks? Given the title, I was expecting the husband/father to be a waffler on this, kowtowing or accommodating his mother. I'm super happy to see he's fully with you - but that just means there's no issue. You're the parents, you're both in agreement, MIL can sod off.
NTA but I would like to point out to people that the daughter is definitely going through a tough patch. I don't know what friends she has but at 13 I think there's a whole cocktail of things going on that hop fully therapy can work out to get her out of this current attitude. The Nanny has been with the family their whole lives and this seems to be the first time something like this has happened. My instincts are screaming teen peer group and I think these parents are doing their best and I wish them success in working through this
Should have also said, teen peers AND the MIL for sure. Idk what poison that woman is putting in her but she's definitely a woman who wouldn't appreciate the 'help'
Load More Replies... Good parenting!!!! Time for you and husband to talk about boundaries on MIL and contact with your family period. As in she has none with your children without you both present until they live outside your home. How is daughter able to contact MIL anyway with no electronics which I'll assume is phone too? Landline? End that. MIL close by? Time to discuss her moving to an area more suitable for people her age (old folks home in another state). Go restraining order if you have to on MIL. Yes that is extreme. Remember you don't need that s**t in your family. Hubs will likely be in agreement.
Mil needs to butt out. This is a conversation between parties within the household. First with nanny then daughter, might call it an A & B talk and Mil can C herself out of it. She wasn't invited or welcome.
Too bad it's punishment, Bea should learn how to care for herself anyway. Great parenting. NTA. MIL should butt out. My sister lived with me for several years when she was young. I did all laundry that was in the hampers. She was really upset one morning when she didn't have any clean clothes. I had just done the laundry over the weekend. Where are her dirty clothes? On the closet floor. She wore her least dirty that day and learned how to use the washer and dryer when she came home. She still didn't use the hamper, but she knew how to get clean clothes.
This reads less like a genuine question/concern and more like OP knows they are NTA but just wants to make sure everyone knows their in-laws are awful.
I see a lot of AITA posts where the person seems to know they are probably not in the wrong, but are facing lots of opposition from people in their lives. I usually interpret these posts as people venting and getting support from strangers because they are surrounded by unreasonable people and/or want an anonymous venue so they don’t have to air their “dirty laundry” to the people around them. Nothing at all wrong with that IMO.
Load More Replies... Since the mother said she returned home a few days early, kids especially young teenage daughters tend to act out when their mommy's not home. They're used to seeing their mom taking care of them and looking after the house. Seeing another woman doing their mom's job causes them to react and they act out on the woman because they want to make her feel less than she is as a way of making themselves feel better and that she is no replacement for their mom. It happens with kids and their teachers too. I studied a bit of child psychology in education. What this girl needs is her mommy. If the mom goes away a lot it can cause problems for her kids.
No one ever says that about a father who travels for business.
Load More Replies... 
139
40