Man Refuses To Take In His Sister And His Special Needs Niece, Gets Backed By Netizens
Life is fragile and precious, yet also strange and occasionally downright wicked.
As handy as it might sound, there is no guidebook that will instruct you on how to live it all right. You’ll get to feel fortunate and experience all that life has to offer one day, but the following day, you’ll have to put on your best mental armor and fight off all these unexpected challenges.
The thing is, no matter how careful you are being – you’re bound to deal with consequences either way, and very rarely are those consequences pleasant. We’re all learning as we go along, and it would be tasteless of us to judge someone for doing something differently or for adhering to beliefs that are in opposition to our own.
That said, never pass judgment on another person’s life choices, and don’t expect others to deal with the responsibilities that came from your own ones.
More info: Reddit
Remember, you’re not responsible for other people’s life choices
Image credits: U.S. Army Europe (not the actual image)
“AITA for telling my sister that my special needs niece is not my responsibility?” – this web user turned to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members whether he’s indeed a jerk for refusing to take his sister and special needs niece into his house so that his wife and mother-in-law can assist the woman in caring for her child. The post managed to garner over 12.4K upvotes as well as 2K comments discussing the situation.
Man ponders whether he’s indeed a jerk for refusing to help his sister care for her special needs child
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
The author of the post said at the outset that he and his wife had discussed every detail before getting married. At first, it was silly stuff, but as their relationship progressed, they debated more serious things. For instance, how they would like to discipline their future children, living wills, and what they’d do if they discovered that they were having a kid with severe health issues.
Together, the couple agreed on a decision and established that they didn’t want to put a human through such suffering.
Long ago, before the author of the post tied the knot with his now-wife, they made sure to discuss everything
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Later on, when the conversation came up, he revealed his plans to his best friend, aka his sister. She immediately shared the news with their parents, saying that he and his now-wife were terrible people as they were willing to terminate a pregnancy that wasn’t going to gift them with a “perfect” kid. Even though the post’s author obviously didn’t say that and had to spend days explaining it to his family, his parents weren’t pleased.
Sadly, his sister didn’t have this talk with her husband, so when she was expecting her second child and the doctors said that it would have heaps of issues, they prayed about it and went forward with the pregnancy.
The couple agreed that if they found out that they were having a child with severe health issues, they weren’t going to bring it into the world to suffer
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
The man’s niece is now 9 years old. And his sister is also a divorcee. The medical expenses hit hard on their savings, and the guy, allegedly, couldn’t handle the fact that he’d have to care for his daughter for the rest of her life.
The family just celebrated Thanksgiving, and it was discovered that the woman is going through a rough patch. The post’s creator’s niece is in diapers and will be until the end of her days. His sister can’t work because she would need special childcare, and no daycare offers it (or it probably costs a whopping amount of money). Prescriptions add up to hundreds if not thousands every month.
Their parents are helping, but his dad recently had to postpone his retirement just so that he could contribute. The author of the post and his spouse also help with about $500 a month, and while it’s not a crazy sum, it still leaves a gap in their budget.
His sister didn’t have this talk with her husband, so when the doctors said that her second child would have a lot of health issues, they went forward with the pregnancy
Image credits: Gareth Williams (not the actual image)
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
It was then revealed that his sister wants to move in with him so that his wife, who works from home, and his mother-in-law, who is there to help the couple with their kids and who is essentially unrelated to the sick child, can help her out. The pair don’t have the space or the budget for that, so he told her straight that they aren’t accountable for her life choices.
However, his old folks are saying that he needs to step up and help and threatened him to give everything to his sister when they pass away. The man told them that was a great idea, as his family doesn’t want or need their money, and that they should set up a trust for her now.
The author of the post then said that, apparently, it wasn’t the answer that they’d hoped for, as everyone in the family is now making him look like the biggest jerk ever. He then revealed that he resorted to this online community to find out whether he was indeed wrong for not wanting to be in a situation he had “intentionally avoided.”
Recently, his sister asked to move in with him so that his wife, who works from home, and his MIL, who is there to help the pair with their kids and who is essentially unrelated to the sick child, can help her out
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Later on, when the post had gained quite a bit of attention, the man decided to edit it and add some extra commentary. It was said that his former brother-in-law is indeed paying his child and spousal support. Moreover, he still spends a lot of time with the other child. The man also stated that the woman can’t move into their parents’ house as they downsized as soon as both of them left the property.
The couple refused – however, his parents are not happy about it, and are saying that he needs to “step up and help”
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Image credits: Timothy Allen (not the actual image)
He also talked about his sister’s decision, claiming that it was all a religious thing. Turns out, the whole family is pretty God-fearing – however, the author of the post no longer describes himself as such. Lastly, he mentioned that his sibling receives assistance from the government and that he’s relieved that his niece’s limited brain activity prevents her from feeling all the pain that her body is going through.
Do you agree with the man’s thinking? And what would you do if you were in this situation?
Fellow community members shared their thoughts and opinions on this situation
I'm so annoyed when Christians say that God will give them the child they want/can handle, then when the kid is disabled they expect the rest of society to help and get upset when they won't, saying everyone else is a bad Christian.
I'm annoyed when they pray for a miracle, then rely on science to treat their 'miracle' Hundreds of dedicated scientist, doctors nurses etc have given their lives to medical advancement, they haven't relied on a god to do it all for them
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I WAS this sister. Daughter with severe down syndrome, ex left the state because he couldn't handle it. No siblings for me tho. I survived off her social security and rented rooms for my daughter and I. Had roommates who were my daughters paid caregivers to help pay rent. Yes she went to school, but that didnt stop me losing my jobs for absences. So stopped working so I knew we'd have health insurance. State of AX didnt assist much. Sadly my daughter passed from covid last year. My life has started over.
I'm very sorry to hear of your daughter's passing, truly. I hope for new beginnings and much healing for you.
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Healthy child or not, the parents' decisions to go through with the pregnancy is their own and the bringing up said child is also their own. If one of the posts is true, the sister hasn't checked all the money she can get from the government. NTA. It's the sister's and her ex's responsibility of taking care of that child. OP's wife works from home, so wouldn't have time even if she wanted to. And their children would feel left out because everyone's attention would be on the niece and that's not an option.
Im in the US. Was in Phoenix but still didnt get much assistance as far as programs she could attend etc. i feel bad for this mom, but it isnt her brothers responsibility to help raise her child. If shes getting child support, spousal support and her daughter is on disability shes bringing home enough to survive on. Assuming shes in the US. She should investigate which states offer better benefits. I wish her luck
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See if this was any other country bar the USA this wouldn't be half the issue. EG in the UK all he medical bills and prescriptions would be free, they would be entitled to social housing adapted to the daughters needs, free carers or payment for the mum to stay at home (but special needs schools exist for free too) and you get long term sickness benefits money for the child too. The support exists your whole life. I'm a physically disabled female and so glad I live here were I don't have to pay for my 22 meds and constant hospital stays etc, get sick pay and carers and everything. Land of the free doesn't sound very free!
The UK is one of the worst in Europe for disability care and we're still better than the US. (I'm also a disabled person - mostly mental/invisible disabilities - and I have a very physically disabled parent, so I'm familiar with both what's available and how hard it can be to get.)
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If you don't rely on your parents now, you won't need the inheritance later - someone said that to me once and it stuck. That is blackmail through and through. Poor life choices.
Good point. I agree. It's emotional blackmail. And one h*'ll of a guilt trip they're trying to lay in OP. So let grandparents leave money in trust for care of child.
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NTA. My husband and I have chosen NOT to have children because of the extremely high probability of having a severely handicapped child. Besides that, it is extremely risky for me to be pregnant without myself, the baby, or both dying from it. God has gifted us this knowledge, and it is our choice what we do with it. Like the OP said, we too weighed the amount we could handle, or take on, and with my health issues that have caused this situation to begin with, it would definitely be more than either of us could handle. Abortion is no longer legal for any reason in certain parts of the US, now, and as a woman, I believe that is unfair, especially if it puts a life/lives at risk. I highly doubt that our government has addressed the issue about the increase in the mortality rate and the increase in the handicapped population as a result of their ruling to ban abortions.
The government straight up don't care. An estimated 65,000 people a year die in the US from lack of access to medical care.
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Your parents downsized as soon as their children moved out? It seems to me that it should be easier for them to purchase a handicap friendly home that can accommodate them and your sister. Easy peasey. They could put the home in your sister's name as well so there is no tax when she inherits it. Or at least a deed upon death if it would interfere with her government benefits. BUT it sounds to me more like she wants to dump her off on your wife and MIL. Maybe start gently suggesting a care facility. Point out that she must be exhausted. Her other child is suffering from all the attention his sister requires. She and your parents could visit her daily. All government grants go to the facility.
Truth. There's so much more the grandparents could be doing, if they wanted. It's not that difficult to find a home that's handicapped accessible. Instead of emotionally blackmailing OP about inheritance, they could put their money where their mouth is. If they're TRULY CONCERNED about the child's welfare, they could leave some of this $$ in a trust for the child's care. Yes, mother exhausted, sibling not getting what they need, and this is my biggest issue, father of disabled child not putting forth enough effort. He got to leave the household. Don't know what his situation really is, but this is his kid too. There are so many people that "can't bear" to see their loved ones in a facility. Placing someone there doesn't mean you don't love them. It can mean you DO love them, and want the best possible situation and care for them. This child may not be getting all the mental stimulation and support they really deserve. As everyone gets older, the care for this child is going to get hard
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First of all he should stop giving her money. Hate to say it this but she is NOT his responsibility. The sister nor the child. He should never have started giving her money. Second the moving in thing is just no, no, no. Again he did not choose to have the child she did. The parents need to pull their heads out of their asses. If she needs help and they wish to give it they are able. He has no obligation to support his sister or her child and should not do it.
I'm the older sister of two special needs adults (a brother ,24 y/o severe autism and has seizures, and mood disorders and a sister 26 years old sister (also autistic). Love them both dearly but they are a lot to take care of. If you know your can't take care of someone who needs a lot of help, don't. What happens is you will become resentful and it negatively impacts everyone involved. Those who are special needs still know when someone is upset with them and it bothers them too. Don't do this to them. Be present in their life ( take them to the park or the movies or something)but don't be the long term care person. This will be better in the long run. Also for the Sister of the poster: please check the local special needs groups. They are massive, and very good with networking resources, talking about changes and access to benefits, social gathering for special needs , everything. My family lives in ga, without our group, things would be a lot worse.
How do you feel about the possibility that they may be your responsibility in the future? Either to have them live with you and take care of them or decide for them to go to a home? I always felt guilty that my son would have this hanging over him in the event that I passed before my daughter. Bittersweet that I know longer have that to think about.
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Nta-She decided to keep the child and is already getting a lot of money from her ex spouse,family and the government.It's not your child to take care of and essentially not your problem nor you mil or wife's problem. She needs to realize she chose to have the kid knowing it would have health problems
I have not been lucky enough to be blessed with children, but back before my husband and I got married we talked this through too. It was a long conversation with us both changing our mind a few times and talking it out. Basically, we both felt we could cope emotional and practically but we also felt we would struggle to give any siblings what they needed. Despite us both having very supportive families, that never came in to the conversation. Few years ago, my nephew was diagnosed with a terminal illness - turned out to be a rare strain of pneumonia and he made a full recovery - but during that time life for all of us revolved around that. That is what families do. But i think the OP is in the right not to sacrifice his own children's childhood, sounds like he is more than happy to help out but having them in his home is not what he wants for his family.
I'm with OP on this: more people should understand simple eugenics a bit more. Not in the racialist sense, but understanding that people with deficient health and mental issues won't stand a chance at a decent life. At that point existence is simply torture in the name of their parents' cruel vanity.
The religious antichoicers often refer to abortion due to disabilities that this was a "genocide" against disabled people. I never got that - any and every disabled person I know, be it from birth, by accident or whatever, would by no means chose their disability over not having to deal with and suffer from it. This reduces a disabled person, whom I see (at least when I got to know them - gotta be honest here, ...) as a person with a disability, into a disability with a person attached, advocating not for the disabled, but the disability itself. NTA, also. 500 a month? That cuts holes in any budget of people with reasonable jobs, gotta be crazy rich to not be bothered by that. That's a lot, quite a lot, I think this is very generous, and likely it is far above what is to be expected. NTA is a slight understatement, you're doing a lot already by that alone. I understand money don't make you happy, but NO money causes worries, and worries make you unhappy. I'd love to know less about that one. Anyway, NTA, big time opposite thereof! Your sis, however, as I think I can understand a glimpse of her situation, and not seeing a way out, is a bit out of touch here. Not really an AH, hell, no, but what she's asking is not reasonable.
Religious people: god told Us, so You will Do. Mil care for your niece, instead of her own w grandmother, brilliant! A bunch of good religious people made decision, so you, the bad guy, will pay for them. You are the bad guy, already, and you have to sacrifice your life. They are the good people, they have all excuses to do nothing. Wow. Just wow.
NTA. The OP is already doing what he can for his sister. $500/month is already biting into his own family's budget and he's very clear he can't accommodate his sister and her children. His MIL didn't sign on to care for a severely disabled child and the sister's presumtion that this women who isn't her daughter's grandparent should shoulder that is galling. She's getting spousal and child support, financial assistance from their parents and government assistance. If the girl is eligible for additional assistance helping his sister research and apply for it would be the best thing to do. I wonder if the OP has space to take in just his nephew. The boy is the elder child; the girl is 9 so he'll be a teen soon. The boy should (probably) live with his father when he's older but for now if the OP can take him in that should be considered. Then discontinue the $500 to the sister. The nephew could still have visitation with his father and speand summer vacation with him. It would help the boy's mental health; allow the sister to find smaller/cheaper housing and take some of the burden off her. Also, shuting down his parents emotional/financial blackmail by agreeing and offering sound financial advice to set up a trust for their granddaughter was brilliant.
Best to help her find resources to help the two of them. The comment above that mentions government resources is right. There are a lot more resources out there that they can tap into for assistance. She my not know how to do it so just helping her find someone to help her navigate it all would be a great help.
In my country (Denmark), it wouldn't have been expensive for his sister, to raise her daughter. If you have chronic healthcare issues, then almost all of the expenses for prescription medication will be covered by the state (you still have to pay up to around 50$ per month yourself). We have free healthcare. And if you have to stay at home with a disabled child, you'll receive money from the state, which equals a decent wage. And the state will also cover special needs equipment for your house etc. The country which OP is from, sadly doesn't seem to give a c**p about his sister :(
That is way too much to ask! The $500 a month is too much for most people. How do you assume to move in with a relative and expect them to live the life you chose? How long did she plan on staying? Let me ask something. If you had to be born and live your entire life that way, what would you tell you parents? I would tell them to abort me! To make someone live an entire life like that is insane and there is no God that would condemn you for having an abortion. If she can not do it, there are facilities that can help. My sister has worked 30 years in a state facilitythat takes care of adult handicapped people. As hard as that is to do,sometimes people have to accept that they canot do it. As tacxpayers, we can help take care of our mentally handicapped brothers and sisters. It is too much to expect family members to do that for years! No way will that work.
I worked with mentally disabled people and no government on that lovely planet of ours will help you enough to live without problems if you choose to raise such a child. The religious idea of not aborting a child rooted in the idea, that every child, that is able to live can make it, but in modern reality we can raise children that would be incapable of making it otherwise, thanks to modern medicine. OP does everything possible to support their sister, but in the end she is stuck with her decision.
There are no bad people, only your former bil, for not spending quality time with his special needs daughter. Your sister and pharmacy should look into discount drug " coupons", nursing aide, SSI, and supplemental housing.
I agree. Father should step up to the plate and do much more.
Load More Replies... She can get a lot of financial assistance & services from the government. Your sister is asking too much, she is stressed with all the needs of her child & wants you to share some of the burden. So now she will stress your family out with three additional people who have their who responsibility. You are already giving $500. to help which is generous. Where is the child’s father in this picture?
It says the child has Medicaid and the father pays child support.
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What about the Church? If they are so very religious that they believe it is God's intent to torture a child until it dies, surely the Church has some responsibility to help out?
NTA! My husband and I decided to be child free for exactly this possibility. I grew up with an Disabled cousin and I love him alot, but I dont want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone like him. I have nothing against kids in general but, atleast with healthy kids there's there's the hope that they'll eventually leave and start their own lives.
When the parents gets old and the child still has needs WHO takes care of the child then? When inflation/costs skyrocket and the trust fund is not nearly enough, who has to take care of the child then? When some conditions get mainstream education and negative traits start infiltrating the norm, what happens then?* when there are more people with special needs than people without what happens to a society? Imagine your surgeon with Downs, or all your kids with autism because you married a spouse with Aspergers...imagine your banker or any other job with people whose cognitive or sociological skills are lacking. Don't imagine it, we are already here: Donald Trump has Aspergers, Elon Musk may also.. ..and while pretending they are geniuses or just socially awkward or " Indigo children" may seem hip and PC the fact is they are dysfunctional to the point of pathologies. NOW imagine all these special needs kids as a burden to society because if they live long enough THAT is exactly
What will happen. Humans are the only animals on the planet which attempt to defy natural selection by keeping suboptimal humans alive. It is a losing game. Nature singles out and ensures suboptimal animals do not live long. We keep them alive and think we are holy..we also think others should beatify us AND help us if we have special needs children. Parents die, siblings go their own way..who takes care of that person then? These decisions have far reaching consequences far more than a single family's religious beliefs. I have worked in group homes. Here are some stats I had to learn. By age 18, over 98% of residents will have been physically and/or sexually abused in a residential home. Thst is a fact..so there are no high quality facilities..cuz in the end, stressed out, overworked, poorly paid aides determine the quality of life for your loved ones. This guy is not the AH. His sister made her bed and anyone could have told her , that her marriage would probably not survi
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Interesting how the BIL who “prayed” about the pregnancy has now bolted and now the sister is expecting OP to step up and take care of the child. And his MIL, who has no connection to the child! I mean, I’m all for family helping when possible, but he’s done a lot already. Letting her move in would be such a detriment to his own family’s privacy and budget. I feel like the sister needs to look into more possibilities of assistance rather than depend on her family. Her father already pushed back his retirement!! Also BIL is such an AH for spending time with his older son and not seeing his special needs daughter. Setting a bad example for his son about caring and respect.
I, Myself, Was Born Woth Many Physical Disabilities Which Required Many Surgeries In My Childhood. About 16 Total. Although Not Life Threatening, It Still Took A Toll On Me. I Lost Many Experiences Growing Up And I Currently Struggle With Daily Chronic Pain. I've Already Decided That If Any Of My Future Children Has A High Risk Of Dying Or Suffering Long Term, Then I'm Sorry, I Will Terminate. And Yes, I Believe In God And Miracles. I Will Not Wait Years Knowing My Child Is Suffering Because Of My Own Selfishness. We Always Bring Up This Topic In My House. There's A Recent Case That Occurred In Texas, Where A Baby Was Born Woth A Rare Heart Condition, No Cure. The Family Chose To Fight & Went To All Courts, But It Was Always Decided There Was Nothing They Could Do. They Testified That The Child Was In PAIN During Every Diaper Change And Even During Feedings!! They "Fought" For About 7 Months When The Baby Was Taken Off Machines. Parents Are Glad They Had Extra Time. I'll Never Forgive
2.) Parents Are Glad They Had Extra Time With Their Baby Girl. But I Know I'll Never Forgive Myself For Torturing My Own Child Just To Watch Them Suffer!! 💔 💔
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In the US, a special needs child would be qualified for their state's medicaid benefits, as well as Medicare benefits due to disability. Medicaid covers medical care including hospital, doctors, prescriptions, etc. They will also cover respite care to give their primary caregiver (parent, child, spouse, partner) a break for a few days. There are a whole bunch of benefits available to the niece if only mom had sought the energy to research them. Instead, she's counting on family members to provide free help. OP was right to not take in his sister and her children, as they can't spare the time and space.
Not necessarily true, depends on the state. In new jersey parents income and assets are taken into consideration to qualify for Medicare if under 18. Our daughter couldn't get assistance until she turned 18, because of husband's income and health insurance thru work. Didn't know she was going to be disabled at birth. We had to handle it all ourselves until she was an adult, then services kicked in medicare and a small SSI income .
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Looks like it's time for the parents to upgrade to a bigger home to accommodate their daughter and granddaughter since they are up first in the "other then the sister being responsible for her choices" list. This guy would be wise to just cut his family off now.
Your sister just wants people to do her work too. NO WAY MONEY ISSUES Let's cover just want we know. Child support couple $100 every week you $500 month dad $500-1000 a month State welfare.. SSI every month Medicare. Food stamps and federal government programs as well she is living large but having a child with severe handicaps keeps her tied down if she Gaslight yall she is sitting pretty I would INSIST to see her complete income with all assisting program before I gave $1 more $1 I would bet she doesn't report your or dad's monies to state but medical bills?? Not if she isn't working and is single Medicare would take care of every expense
It Bothers Me That So Many People Avoid The Important Talks Then When The Time Comes They Have No Idea What To Do Or Just Let It Pass. I'm 21 Years Old, And It Took Me Over A Year Just To Convince My Boyfriend To Have The "Death" And "Hospital Emergency" Talk. It's Important To Know What Your Loved Ones Want If Something Were To Happen. You're NOT Wishing Evil On Your Life, And Yes, God Forbid, But We STILL Have To Talk About It!! I Will Make A 2nd Post Regarding This Case.... ✨ I Apologize If My Writing With Capital Letters Inconveniences Anyone. I Suffer From OCD. ✨
NTA. I had the ironic scenario of, we knew we couldn't hack a disabled child, so I had amnio both times. However, I did end up having a disabled child anyway. Yes, my marriage tanked, yes, I get no help from family, yes, I've sacrificed thousands and thousands of dollars, relationships, friendships, my health and so on. It is what it is, and what it is is my responsponsiblity.
At least you were honest with yourself and your wife about special needs children and not being able to handle the care for one. Some people just cannot handle that kind of situation. You are helping your sister as best you can, especially since you have your own children to take care of. You re not the a××hole here. Your sisters ex-husband won that title.
OP should lose the unkindness about their sister’s choices. Terminating a wanted pregnancy is very hard, especially because they’ll often hear things like “so and so had that same test result and they are perfectly fine!” It’s rarely cut and dried. Also, it’s not helpful in the current situation. Other than that, OP is completely right and should not take this on. His parents can move out of their retirement community and help. They have the time. The only other thing op might want to do is offer more time and support to their able bodied nephew, maybe have him over to stay more.
NTA for the response to the sister's request. I do have a slight gripe with the way something was written in the post. "Well, unfortunately, my sister 36 did not have this talk with her husband." Considering sister's reaction to hearing OP and his wife's decision of how they would deal if they knew their child would have severe special needs, and since OP later adds a comment about it being a religious thing, does OP actually believe his sister would have made a different decision if only she had talked to her husband. As for "They prayed about it...", it implies praying was wrong, but prayers can offer time for self-reflection, or they might have been praying for strength to deal with what they had ahead. But still, OP was correct in saying he is not responsible for his sister (and her ex's) life choices. I do hope, though, OP uses the extra advice Reddit responders have given him to help direct his sister towards any additional support options available.
I think he meant if she had talked to her husband about it, that they would have decided together before conception what they would do and maybe have prevented the husband from leaving or some kind of agreement in advance. But they didn't and husband couldn't handle it and left.
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Oh good grief - how to say one lives in the US without having to say that one lives in the US! That out of the way, the decision on who lives in your home is yours, and your wife's, and no-one else's. Your parents are calling you an a$$h&*e because of guilt/relief that they aren't in a position to help your sister. Not sure they would if they could, though it's a great excuse. You are giving her $500/month and she's still calling you names? Wow. You're a much nicer person than me. If I was doing that, and got called names, I'd simply go NC. and - no money. That would really tick me off. But then there are times when I don't feel very much like a nice person.
NTA you have already more than you can, look into those programs for her so you take back your $500 to take care of your family, every couple need do that talk before getting serious
The easiest answer to this one is for the parents to "un-downsize" and let the sister and niece live with them. Assuming they don't have some serious disability of their own. Just because you moved to a retirement community doesn't mean you can't move out of it if needs change.
NTA, tell your parents to unretire from the retirement community and buy a house that your sister can inherit
Besides, I love my peace and quiet. I have a real problem with loud noises and disruptions in my routine.
JFC you're SO NTA! I live with & mostly support my 2 younger siblings...46,38 & 30 respectively...and my 18 year old niece. I volunteered for this, as my brother & sister both have "issues" and aren't able to live on their own. I was willing to take care of them all, about 20 years ago. (My niece is amazing, already working & planning for her future, which I gladly claim is from MY raising her!) My brother has never worked & probably never will. My sister manages part time work, but is also an alcoholic & heavy pot user. I had believed my situation would be temporary, but now it's too late to back out. We are barely making it work, with help from mom & dad, but I do resent my family AND myself for getting into this situation, because it was "the right thing to do".
Some have lost there kids in this chat and I'd like to say I am SO So sorry for your loss I wish you love and luck in this life and the next my heart goes out to you.<3🤍
NTA 1st you are giving her $500 a month which is a lot of money. You cannot expect others to take on a burden you chose. Her ex husband is getting off easy. A child like needs far more than one person can give. His coming over to take the easy child out is outrageous; he to should have to change her diapers. I understand why your family wants her to move in with you; it will help to relieve the burden on them. They don't care about the burden on you, your spouse and your kids. There is no doubt that your kids would be pulled into the situation. The fact that they even consider that your MIL would her if she moved to your house shows how selfish they are. If your parents feel this strongly the should move somewhere bigger. I'm presuming your sister pays rent where she lives. They could get a bigger place sharing the cost. People who make decisions believing God will provide are not thinking. What they believe is that others will step up and take part in fixing whatever issue they have. I'm not saying your niece is a problem, it's your sister' and her ex's along. I want to point out, but am sure you know already. They are leaving everything to your sister and niece because they "need" it. Even if they haven't acknowledged it yet they are also playing mind games hoping you'll want the money so they can get you to help. They'll be dead when you found out they lied. I'm in a similar situation with a parent. He's leaving everything to a child who "needs" it. He thinks we don't know. One day he actually said that what does he care he'll be dead.
Severely r******d children shouldn't be born. The parents are damning them to a lifetime of suffering.
I applaud you. You are NTA here. No one is, honestly. Child bearing and rearing is a very special thing, and as an individual who has worked with families and individuals of varying mental, physical and emotional challenges and disabilities, it is NOT easy. My heart goes to the parents/caregivers, the families. It is a tough place to be, for everyone. States don't always give assistance, enough help, etc. Daycare? Forget it. This situation is definitely touchy, sensitive and heartfelt. Never apologize for how you feel, knowing your capacity and knowing yourself.
It's definitely not his responsibility, but there's also no way I'd let my niece with physical issues face homelessness. They didn't mention that that's the situation they're in, but I'm just saying there's a point where who's in the right stops mattering from my perspective. The kid is innocent, and deserves all the support. It's just a shame that the child is tied to a mother with very little self-reflection and maturity.
So even before I married my now husband we talked about kids. He was "fixed" with his ex wife also going for a hysterectomy. He said he didn't want kids unless he could bring them up the way he had been. Which basically from my understanding with his two brothers and sister, they ran amok. But his parents were always there for them. They were raised well but got to do whatever they wanted a bit more freedom. I personally have now passed the point of having kids. Yea I regret not having one to carry on for me or see what talents or creativity that could have come into the world. But we did decide on it and don't have any. But we did talk about a child w disabilities as one of his nephew in laws is very regressed and autistic. He's now in his teens. Built like a linebacker. Has to be in a home because he was very violent and uncontrollable. His mother tried hard but she just had to finally accept it. I couldn't bring a person into the world who would suffer.
His sister "prayed about it," then had a disabled. What then was the point of the prayer?
I would have said, "if I'm an AH for not taking that responsibility on, then what's that make you?" They're not doing it either, so why are YOU expected to do it?
NTA because you clearly set boundaries and they are trying to step across them by guilting you into it. However, you also said you sister is your best friend and not helping isn't what best friends do. You help even when.
OMG! You are sooSOOOO NTA! You're already helping financially, and being very cool about your parents leaving everything to her and nothing for you! To completely alter your home life…day in day out…forever… to accommodate her unfortunate CHOICE is way above and beyond what anyone would be expected to do. Yes, its a very sad situation, but even if she hadn't chosen this, and it was thrust upon her, you've done a lot to help. Having her move in with you is too much. If the MIL wants to move in with her to help, maybe you can help make that happen.
I have a Long time friend who's oldest child is similar to this and has been in a care home for most of his life, she was young and married to her first husband then, nothing they were expecting. She had 2 more children that are fine and has worked for years keeping them living well
Why frame it as "I'm not responsible for your life choices"? Why do that to your sister who felt obligated by the constraints of her faith to fulfill any pregnancy, as if she wants this life for her child. You don't owe her anything, but she's your sister and you're helping her with money and that is more than most families are ever able to provide. I have a feeling your sister wasn't this bad before the stress of this life change. It's long past who is at fault. Everyone makes the best of the situation and op already is by helping financially. No need to make it a self righteous argument, by anyone in the family. Whole lot of unnecessary and destructive judgment flying around. "No" doesn't need explaination. Boundaries don't come with lists of why. They just are.
If she felt obligated to have a child because of the religion she's in, then that's her problem. She's that hardcore that she's going to put her self through stress for a man in the sky.
Load More Replies... NTA for not supporting his sister even more than he already does. A bit of an AH for constantly discussing the whole thing under the "right choice - wrong choice"- ankle: So she ratted him out when he told her about not wanting a severely disabled child years ago - does he really have to keep pointing out how he was right back then now that his sister is on the ground? How about just saying "sorry but no" instead of stating that he is not responsible of her life choices -thus indicating that he´d act differently if the child was disabled without her knowing beforehand...
NTA. But not for some of the reasons you brought up. So much of your issue seems to revolve around the choice the sister and her then husband made to bring the child into the world. Well, guess what? The child is here NOW. Here to stay. This is not your responsibility to help raise and financially support your niece. You're already giving your sister $500 a month. This child is also the responsibility of the ex husband. He flew the coop. That doesn't release him from his ongoing responsibility. Even tho he may be paying child support, I'm sure it's not enough to cover expenses. This child, for better or worse, is HIS responsibility to help raise and support. I don't blame you for not wanting to add xtra people to your household. AND, not your wife's and MIL's responsibility to take care of this child, and would likely affect wife's work. SIL and her husband need help from a social worker to make sure they're getting everything they're eligible for from the gov't and other sources.
So much of this DOES resolve around sisters and BIL's choices. We all have choice and we should all be willing to live with the consequences of our choices. It gets tiring having to support so many people who make choices and then can't afford those choices. They expect the rest of us to chip in and pay for their poor choices. Oeoe choose to have 8 children that they can't afford to feed and clothe...who pays for it. We all do. This woman and her husband choose to have this devastatingly I'll child. They need to step up and deal with it and access all the programs and help that is available (that we all pay for in our taxes) It is NOT her brothers responsibility. He is already being generous and yet she badmouths him. I get that she's stressed but she's TA.
Load More Replies... I think OP has made many wise and kind decisions, and drawing a line for how much help to give is protecting his own family. But I don't see the need to say he is not reponsible for his sister's life decisions. Perhaps she finds this hurtful because it didn't seem like a choice for her and it could sound like blame. Instead he could respect her decision to keep her child and just say, sorry my current amount of help is all I am in a position to give currently, condidering my own family's needs.
I have several family members who have special needs and must say this. While I don't have anything against OP for not having space or budget for his sister I do say he's a jerk for his words to her. He could simply have explained that he cannot take her in. Telling her I am not responsible for your life choices, he makes it clear that he is judging her, then complains people are judging him. He could have avoided this drama by putting his own points in a far less judgemental way. While taking care of those with special needs is hard I would not change the time I spend with them. Just because they have disabilities does not mean that they do not have enjoyment in life. They are capable of happiness and love and having disabilities does not take that away. You do not have to be perfect to deserve a chance to live, especially as none of us are perfect.
But he's right, he's not responsible for her choices. How is that rude?
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Why isn't God helping the sister in her time of need?
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As far your personal situation goes, if your mother was told there was a "very high chance the baby might have Down's syndrome" but he didn't, this doesn't mean the doctors were wrong. The doctors warned of a high possibility, they didn't state certainty of fact. As far as your comment about the sister not trusting the doctors is concerned, with what information is provided, it's impossible to even guess whether the doctors were making statements of certainty or possibility when they warned of the health issues, but nothing in this which says the sister didn't trust what the doctors said. Edit: Meant to say, fixed your downvote.
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There's not a single person here, nor any I've ever met thinks this way. No one is talking about "killing children with disabilities", they are discussing the possibility of abortion in the event the potential child would have a painful, limited, and disabling quality of life. Those are very, very different situations and not a choice that I'd imagine would be made lightly nor easily by anyone. And generally speaking, I'm pretty sure NO ONE is okay with pedophiles and rapists running about, free. Neither this man's thought process nor this discussion bears any resemblance to Hitler's ideology, and your suggestion that it is, is also rather disgusting, as well as ignorant.
Load More Replies... You clearly have a lot of anger about this, and I know I'm not going to change your mind, but I don't see how you can possibly call this man a degenerate. He is giving his sister money every month, and he clearly feels compassion for his sister's child. He IS showing up for his family in the best way he can. Where's your anger for the so-called religious father of this child? THIS is the one who should be called to task here. He gets to leave reality behind and send a check every month, essentially getting a free pass on all the heartache and struggle everyone else is dealing with. I guess wedding vows, when you're "religious", don't carry much weight.
Load More Replies... I'm so annoyed when Christians say that God will give them the child they want/can handle, then when the kid is disabled they expect the rest of society to help and get upset when they won't, saying everyone else is a bad Christian.
I'm annoyed when they pray for a miracle, then rely on science to treat their 'miracle' Hundreds of dedicated scientist, doctors nurses etc have given their lives to medical advancement, they haven't relied on a god to do it all for them
Load More Replies... I WAS this sister. Daughter with severe down syndrome, ex left the state because he couldn't handle it. No siblings for me tho. I survived off her social security and rented rooms for my daughter and I. Had roommates who were my daughters paid caregivers to help pay rent. Yes she went to school, but that didnt stop me losing my jobs for absences. So stopped working so I knew we'd have health insurance. State of AX didnt assist much. Sadly my daughter passed from covid last year. My life has started over.
I'm very sorry to hear of your daughter's passing, truly. I hope for new beginnings and much healing for you.
Load More Replies... Healthy child or not, the parents' decisions to go through with the pregnancy is their own and the bringing up said child is also their own. If one of the posts is true, the sister hasn't checked all the money she can get from the government. NTA. It's the sister's and her ex's responsibility of taking care of that child. OP's wife works from home, so wouldn't have time even if she wanted to. And their children would feel left out because everyone's attention would be on the niece and that's not an option.
Im in the US. Was in Phoenix but still didnt get much assistance as far as programs she could attend etc. i feel bad for this mom, but it isnt her brothers responsibility to help raise her child. If shes getting child support, spousal support and her daughter is on disability shes bringing home enough to survive on. Assuming shes in the US. She should investigate which states offer better benefits. I wish her luck
Load More Replies... See if this was any other country bar the USA this wouldn't be half the issue. EG in the UK all he medical bills and prescriptions would be free, they would be entitled to social housing adapted to the daughters needs, free carers or payment for the mum to stay at home (but special needs schools exist for free too) and you get long term sickness benefits money for the child too. The support exists your whole life. I'm a physically disabled female and so glad I live here were I don't have to pay for my 22 meds and constant hospital stays etc, get sick pay and carers and everything. Land of the free doesn't sound very free!
The UK is one of the worst in Europe for disability care and we're still better than the US. (I'm also a disabled person - mostly mental/invisible disabilities - and I have a very physically disabled parent, so I'm familiar with both what's available and how hard it can be to get.)
Load More Replies... If you don't rely on your parents now, you won't need the inheritance later - someone said that to me once and it stuck. That is blackmail through and through. Poor life choices.
Good point. I agree. It's emotional blackmail. And one h*'ll of a guilt trip they're trying to lay in OP. So let grandparents leave money in trust for care of child.
Load More Replies... NTA. My husband and I have chosen NOT to have children because of the extremely high probability of having a severely handicapped child. Besides that, it is extremely risky for me to be pregnant without myself, the baby, or both dying from it. God has gifted us this knowledge, and it is our choice what we do with it. Like the OP said, we too weighed the amount we could handle, or take on, and with my health issues that have caused this situation to begin with, it would definitely be more than either of us could handle. Abortion is no longer legal for any reason in certain parts of the US, now, and as a woman, I believe that is unfair, especially if it puts a life/lives at risk. I highly doubt that our government has addressed the issue about the increase in the mortality rate and the increase in the handicapped population as a result of their ruling to ban abortions.
The government straight up don't care. An estimated 65,000 people a year die in the US from lack of access to medical care.
Load More Replies... Your parents downsized as soon as their children moved out? It seems to me that it should be easier for them to purchase a handicap friendly home that can accommodate them and your sister. Easy peasey. They could put the home in your sister's name as well so there is no tax when she inherits it. Or at least a deed upon death if it would interfere with her government benefits. BUT it sounds to me more like she wants to dump her off on your wife and MIL. Maybe start gently suggesting a care facility. Point out that she must be exhausted. Her other child is suffering from all the attention his sister requires. She and your parents could visit her daily. All government grants go to the facility.
Truth. There's so much more the grandparents could be doing, if they wanted. It's not that difficult to find a home that's handicapped accessible. Instead of emotionally blackmailing OP about inheritance, they could put their money where their mouth is. If they're TRULY CONCERNED about the child's welfare, they could leave some of this $$ in a trust for the child's care. Yes, mother exhausted, sibling not getting what they need, and this is my biggest issue, father of disabled child not putting forth enough effort. He got to leave the household. Don't know what his situation really is, but this is his kid too. There are so many people that "can't bear" to see their loved ones in a facility. Placing someone there doesn't mean you don't love them. It can mean you DO love them, and want the best possible situation and care for them. This child may not be getting all the mental stimulation and support they really deserve. As everyone gets older, the care for this child is going to get hard
Load More Replies... First of all he should stop giving her money. Hate to say it this but she is NOT his responsibility. The sister nor the child. He should never have started giving her money. Second the moving in thing is just no, no, no. Again he did not choose to have the child she did. The parents need to pull their heads out of their asses. If she needs help and they wish to give it they are able. He has no obligation to support his sister or her child and should not do it.
I'm the older sister of two special needs adults (a brother ,24 y/o severe autism and has seizures, and mood disorders and a sister 26 years old sister (also autistic). Love them both dearly but they are a lot to take care of. If you know your can't take care of someone who needs a lot of help, don't. What happens is you will become resentful and it negatively impacts everyone involved. Those who are special needs still know when someone is upset with them and it bothers them too. Don't do this to them. Be present in their life ( take them to the park or the movies or something)but don't be the long term care person. This will be better in the long run. Also for the Sister of the poster: please check the local special needs groups. They are massive, and very good with networking resources, talking about changes and access to benefits, social gathering for special needs , everything. My family lives in ga, without our group, things would be a lot worse.
How do you feel about the possibility that they may be your responsibility in the future? Either to have them live with you and take care of them or decide for them to go to a home? I always felt guilty that my son would have this hanging over him in the event that I passed before my daughter. Bittersweet that I know longer have that to think about.
Load More Replies... Nta-She decided to keep the child and is already getting a lot of money from her ex spouse,family and the government.It's not your child to take care of and essentially not your problem nor you mil or wife's problem. She needs to realize she chose to have the kid knowing it would have health problems
I have not been lucky enough to be blessed with children, but back before my husband and I got married we talked this through too. It was a long conversation with us both changing our mind a few times and talking it out. Basically, we both felt we could cope emotional and practically but we also felt we would struggle to give any siblings what they needed. Despite us both having very supportive families, that never came in to the conversation. Few years ago, my nephew was diagnosed with a terminal illness - turned out to be a rare strain of pneumonia and he made a full recovery - but during that time life for all of us revolved around that. That is what families do. But i think the OP is in the right not to sacrifice his own children's childhood, sounds like he is more than happy to help out but having them in his home is not what he wants for his family.
I'm with OP on this: more people should understand simple eugenics a bit more. Not in the racialist sense, but understanding that people with deficient health and mental issues won't stand a chance at a decent life. At that point existence is simply torture in the name of their parents' cruel vanity.
The religious antichoicers often refer to abortion due to disabilities that this was a "genocide" against disabled people. I never got that - any and every disabled person I know, be it from birth, by accident or whatever, would by no means chose their disability over not having to deal with and suffer from it. This reduces a disabled person, whom I see (at least when I got to know them - gotta be honest here, ...) as a person with a disability, into a disability with a person attached, advocating not for the disabled, but the disability itself. NTA, also. 500 a month? That cuts holes in any budget of people with reasonable jobs, gotta be crazy rich to not be bothered by that. That's a lot, quite a lot, I think this is very generous, and likely it is far above what is to be expected. NTA is a slight understatement, you're doing a lot already by that alone. I understand money don't make you happy, but NO money causes worries, and worries make you unhappy. I'd love to know less about that one. Anyway, NTA, big time opposite thereof! Your sis, however, as I think I can understand a glimpse of her situation, and not seeing a way out, is a bit out of touch here. Not really an AH, hell, no, but what she's asking is not reasonable.
Religious people: god told Us, so You will Do. Mil care for your niece, instead of her own w grandmother, brilliant! A bunch of good religious people made decision, so you, the bad guy, will pay for them. You are the bad guy, already, and you have to sacrifice your life. They are the good people, they have all excuses to do nothing. Wow. Just wow.
NTA. The OP is already doing what he can for his sister. $500/month is already biting into his own family's budget and he's very clear he can't accommodate his sister and her children. His MIL didn't sign on to care for a severely disabled child and the sister's presumtion that this women who isn't her daughter's grandparent should shoulder that is galling. She's getting spousal and child support, financial assistance from their parents and government assistance. If the girl is eligible for additional assistance helping his sister research and apply for it would be the best thing to do. I wonder if the OP has space to take in just his nephew. The boy is the elder child; the girl is 9 so he'll be a teen soon. The boy should (probably) live with his father when he's older but for now if the OP can take him in that should be considered. Then discontinue the $500 to the sister. The nephew could still have visitation with his father and speand summer vacation with him. It would help the boy's mental health; allow the sister to find smaller/cheaper housing and take some of the burden off her. Also, shuting down his parents emotional/financial blackmail by agreeing and offering sound financial advice to set up a trust for their granddaughter was brilliant.
Best to help her find resources to help the two of them. The comment above that mentions government resources is right. There are a lot more resources out there that they can tap into for assistance. She my not know how to do it so just helping her find someone to help her navigate it all would be a great help.
In my country (Denmark), it wouldn't have been expensive for his sister, to raise her daughter. If you have chronic healthcare issues, then almost all of the expenses for prescription medication will be covered by the state (you still have to pay up to around 50$ per month yourself). We have free healthcare. And if you have to stay at home with a disabled child, you'll receive money from the state, which equals a decent wage. And the state will also cover special needs equipment for your house etc. The country which OP is from, sadly doesn't seem to give a c**p about his sister :(
That is way too much to ask! The $500 a month is too much for most people. How do you assume to move in with a relative and expect them to live the life you chose? How long did she plan on staying? Let me ask something. If you had to be born and live your entire life that way, what would you tell you parents? I would tell them to abort me! To make someone live an entire life like that is insane and there is no God that would condemn you for having an abortion. If she can not do it, there are facilities that can help. My sister has worked 30 years in a state facilitythat takes care of adult handicapped people. As hard as that is to do,sometimes people have to accept that they canot do it. As tacxpayers, we can help take care of our mentally handicapped brothers and sisters. It is too much to expect family members to do that for years! No way will that work.
I worked with mentally disabled people and no government on that lovely planet of ours will help you enough to live without problems if you choose to raise such a child. The religious idea of not aborting a child rooted in the idea, that every child, that is able to live can make it, but in modern reality we can raise children that would be incapable of making it otherwise, thanks to modern medicine. OP does everything possible to support their sister, but in the end she is stuck with her decision.
There are no bad people, only your former bil, for not spending quality time with his special needs daughter. Your sister and pharmacy should look into discount drug " coupons", nursing aide, SSI, and supplemental housing.
I agree. Father should step up to the plate and do much more.
Load More Replies... She can get a lot of financial assistance & services from the government. Your sister is asking too much, she is stressed with all the needs of her child & wants you to share some of the burden. So now she will stress your family out with three additional people who have their who responsibility. You are already giving $500. to help which is generous. Where is the child’s father in this picture?
It says the child has Medicaid and the father pays child support.
Load More Replies... What about the Church? If they are so very religious that they believe it is God's intent to torture a child until it dies, surely the Church has some responsibility to help out?
NTA! My husband and I decided to be child free for exactly this possibility. I grew up with an Disabled cousin and I love him alot, but I dont want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone like him. I have nothing against kids in general but, atleast with healthy kids there's there's the hope that they'll eventually leave and start their own lives.
When the parents gets old and the child still has needs WHO takes care of the child then? When inflation/costs skyrocket and the trust fund is not nearly enough, who has to take care of the child then? When some conditions get mainstream education and negative traits start infiltrating the norm, what happens then?* when there are more people with special needs than people without what happens to a society? Imagine your surgeon with Downs, or all your kids with autism because you married a spouse with Aspergers...imagine your banker or any other job with people whose cognitive or sociological skills are lacking. Don't imagine it, we are already here: Donald Trump has Aspergers, Elon Musk may also.. ..and while pretending they are geniuses or just socially awkward or " Indigo children" may seem hip and PC the fact is they are dysfunctional to the point of pathologies. NOW imagine all these special needs kids as a burden to society because if they live long enough THAT is exactly
What will happen. Humans are the only animals on the planet which attempt to defy natural selection by keeping suboptimal humans alive. It is a losing game. Nature singles out and ensures suboptimal animals do not live long. We keep them alive and think we are holy..we also think others should beatify us AND help us if we have special needs children. Parents die, siblings go their own way..who takes care of that person then? These decisions have far reaching consequences far more than a single family's religious beliefs. I have worked in group homes. Here are some stats I had to learn. By age 18, over 98% of residents will have been physically and/or sexually abused in a residential home. Thst is a fact..so there are no high quality facilities..cuz in the end, stressed out, overworked, poorly paid aides determine the quality of life for your loved ones. This guy is not the AH. His sister made her bed and anyone could have told her , that her marriage would probably not survi
Load More Replies... Interesting how the BIL who “prayed” about the pregnancy has now bolted and now the sister is expecting OP to step up and take care of the child. And his MIL, who has no connection to the child! I mean, I’m all for family helping when possible, but he’s done a lot already. Letting her move in would be such a detriment to his own family’s privacy and budget. I feel like the sister needs to look into more possibilities of assistance rather than depend on her family. Her father already pushed back his retirement!! Also BIL is such an AH for spending time with his older son and not seeing his special needs daughter. Setting a bad example for his son about caring and respect.
I, Myself, Was Born Woth Many Physical Disabilities Which Required Many Surgeries In My Childhood. About 16 Total. Although Not Life Threatening, It Still Took A Toll On Me. I Lost Many Experiences Growing Up And I Currently Struggle With Daily Chronic Pain. I've Already Decided That If Any Of My Future Children Has A High Risk Of Dying Or Suffering Long Term, Then I'm Sorry, I Will Terminate. And Yes, I Believe In God And Miracles. I Will Not Wait Years Knowing My Child Is Suffering Because Of My Own Selfishness. We Always Bring Up This Topic In My House. There's A Recent Case That Occurred In Texas, Where A Baby Was Born Woth A Rare Heart Condition, No Cure. The Family Chose To Fight & Went To All Courts, But It Was Always Decided There Was Nothing They Could Do. They Testified That The Child Was In PAIN During Every Diaper Change And Even During Feedings!! They "Fought" For About 7 Months When The Baby Was Taken Off Machines. Parents Are Glad They Had Extra Time. I'll Never Forgive
2.) Parents Are Glad They Had Extra Time With Their Baby Girl. But I Know I'll Never Forgive Myself For Torturing My Own Child Just To Watch Them Suffer!! 💔 💔
Load More Replies... In the US, a special needs child would be qualified for their state's medicaid benefits, as well as Medicare benefits due to disability. Medicaid covers medical care including hospital, doctors, prescriptions, etc. They will also cover respite care to give their primary caregiver (parent, child, spouse, partner) a break for a few days. There are a whole bunch of benefits available to the niece if only mom had sought the energy to research them. Instead, she's counting on family members to provide free help. OP was right to not take in his sister and her children, as they can't spare the time and space.
Not necessarily true, depends on the state. In new jersey parents income and assets are taken into consideration to qualify for Medicare if under 18. Our daughter couldn't get assistance until she turned 18, because of husband's income and health insurance thru work. Didn't know she was going to be disabled at birth. We had to handle it all ourselves until she was an adult, then services kicked in medicare and a small SSI income .
Load More Replies... Looks like it's time for the parents to upgrade to a bigger home to accommodate their daughter and granddaughter since they are up first in the "other then the sister being responsible for her choices" list. This guy would be wise to just cut his family off now.
Your sister just wants people to do her work too. NO WAY MONEY ISSUES Let's cover just want we know. Child support couple $100 every week you $500 month dad $500-1000 a month State welfare.. SSI every month Medicare. Food stamps and federal government programs as well she is living large but having a child with severe handicaps keeps her tied down if she Gaslight yall she is sitting pretty I would INSIST to see her complete income with all assisting program before I gave $1 more $1 I would bet she doesn't report your or dad's monies to state but medical bills?? Not if she isn't working and is single Medicare would take care of every expense
It Bothers Me That So Many People Avoid The Important Talks Then When The Time Comes They Have No Idea What To Do Or Just Let It Pass. I'm 21 Years Old, And It Took Me Over A Year Just To Convince My Boyfriend To Have The "Death" And "Hospital Emergency" Talk. It's Important To Know What Your Loved Ones Want If Something Were To Happen. You're NOT Wishing Evil On Your Life, And Yes, God Forbid, But We STILL Have To Talk About It!! I Will Make A 2nd Post Regarding This Case.... ✨ I Apologize If My Writing With Capital Letters Inconveniences Anyone. I Suffer From OCD. ✨
NTA. I had the ironic scenario of, we knew we couldn't hack a disabled child, so I had amnio both times. However, I did end up having a disabled child anyway. Yes, my marriage tanked, yes, I get no help from family, yes, I've sacrificed thousands and thousands of dollars, relationships, friendships, my health and so on. It is what it is, and what it is is my responsponsiblity.
At least you were honest with yourself and your wife about special needs children and not being able to handle the care for one. Some people just cannot handle that kind of situation. You are helping your sister as best you can, especially since you have your own children to take care of. You re not the a××hole here. Your sisters ex-husband won that title.
OP should lose the unkindness about their sister’s choices. Terminating a wanted pregnancy is very hard, especially because they’ll often hear things like “so and so had that same test result and they are perfectly fine!” It’s rarely cut and dried. Also, it’s not helpful in the current situation. Other than that, OP is completely right and should not take this on. His parents can move out of their retirement community and help. They have the time. The only other thing op might want to do is offer more time and support to their able bodied nephew, maybe have him over to stay more.
NTA for the response to the sister's request. I do have a slight gripe with the way something was written in the post. "Well, unfortunately, my sister 36 did not have this talk with her husband." Considering sister's reaction to hearing OP and his wife's decision of how they would deal if they knew their child would have severe special needs, and since OP later adds a comment about it being a religious thing, does OP actually believe his sister would have made a different decision if only she had talked to her husband. As for "They prayed about it...", it implies praying was wrong, but prayers can offer time for self-reflection, or they might have been praying for strength to deal with what they had ahead. But still, OP was correct in saying he is not responsible for his sister (and her ex's) life choices. I do hope, though, OP uses the extra advice Reddit responders have given him to help direct his sister towards any additional support options available.
I think he meant if she had talked to her husband about it, that they would have decided together before conception what they would do and maybe have prevented the husband from leaving or some kind of agreement in advance. But they didn't and husband couldn't handle it and left.
Load More Replies... Oh good grief - how to say one lives in the US without having to say that one lives in the US! That out of the way, the decision on who lives in your home is yours, and your wife's, and no-one else's. Your parents are calling you an a$$h&*e because of guilt/relief that they aren't in a position to help your sister. Not sure they would if they could, though it's a great excuse. You are giving her $500/month and she's still calling you names? Wow. You're a much nicer person than me. If I was doing that, and got called names, I'd simply go NC. and - no money. That would really tick me off. But then there are times when I don't feel very much like a nice person.
NTA you have already more than you can, look into those programs for her so you take back your $500 to take care of your family, every couple need do that talk before getting serious
The easiest answer to this one is for the parents to "un-downsize" and let the sister and niece live with them. Assuming they don't have some serious disability of their own. Just because you moved to a retirement community doesn't mean you can't move out of it if needs change.
NTA, tell your parents to unretire from the retirement community and buy a house that your sister can inherit
Besides, I love my peace and quiet. I have a real problem with loud noises and disruptions in my routine.
JFC you're SO NTA! I live with & mostly support my 2 younger siblings...46,38 & 30 respectively...and my 18 year old niece. I volunteered for this, as my brother & sister both have "issues" and aren't able to live on their own. I was willing to take care of them all, about 20 years ago. (My niece is amazing, already working & planning for her future, which I gladly claim is from MY raising her!) My brother has never worked & probably never will. My sister manages part time work, but is also an alcoholic & heavy pot user. I had believed my situation would be temporary, but now it's too late to back out. We are barely making it work, with help from mom & dad, but I do resent my family AND myself for getting into this situation, because it was "the right thing to do".
Some have lost there kids in this chat and I'd like to say I am SO So sorry for your loss I wish you love and luck in this life and the next my heart goes out to you.<3🤍
NTA 1st you are giving her $500 a month which is a lot of money. You cannot expect others to take on a burden you chose. Her ex husband is getting off easy. A child like needs far more than one person can give. His coming over to take the easy child out is outrageous; he to should have to change her diapers. I understand why your family wants her to move in with you; it will help to relieve the burden on them. They don't care about the burden on you, your spouse and your kids. There is no doubt that your kids would be pulled into the situation. The fact that they even consider that your MIL would her if she moved to your house shows how selfish they are. If your parents feel this strongly the should move somewhere bigger. I'm presuming your sister pays rent where she lives. They could get a bigger place sharing the cost. People who make decisions believing God will provide are not thinking. What they believe is that others will step up and take part in fixing whatever issue they have. I'm not saying your niece is a problem, it's your sister' and her ex's along. I want to point out, but am sure you know already. They are leaving everything to your sister and niece because they "need" it. Even if they haven't acknowledged it yet they are also playing mind games hoping you'll want the money so they can get you to help. They'll be dead when you found out they lied. I'm in a similar situation with a parent. He's leaving everything to a child who "needs" it. He thinks we don't know. One day he actually said that what does he care he'll be dead.
Severely r******d children shouldn't be born. The parents are damning them to a lifetime of suffering.
I applaud you. You are NTA here. No one is, honestly. Child bearing and rearing is a very special thing, and as an individual who has worked with families and individuals of varying mental, physical and emotional challenges and disabilities, it is NOT easy. My heart goes to the parents/caregivers, the families. It is a tough place to be, for everyone. States don't always give assistance, enough help, etc. Daycare? Forget it. This situation is definitely touchy, sensitive and heartfelt. Never apologize for how you feel, knowing your capacity and knowing yourself.
It's definitely not his responsibility, but there's also no way I'd let my niece with physical issues face homelessness. They didn't mention that that's the situation they're in, but I'm just saying there's a point where who's in the right stops mattering from my perspective. The kid is innocent, and deserves all the support. It's just a shame that the child is tied to a mother with very little self-reflection and maturity.
So even before I married my now husband we talked about kids. He was "fixed" with his ex wife also going for a hysterectomy. He said he didn't want kids unless he could bring them up the way he had been. Which basically from my understanding with his two brothers and sister, they ran amok. But his parents were always there for them. They were raised well but got to do whatever they wanted a bit more freedom. I personally have now passed the point of having kids. Yea I regret not having one to carry on for me or see what talents or creativity that could have come into the world. But we did decide on it and don't have any. But we did talk about a child w disabilities as one of his nephew in laws is very regressed and autistic. He's now in his teens. Built like a linebacker. Has to be in a home because he was very violent and uncontrollable. His mother tried hard but she just had to finally accept it. I couldn't bring a person into the world who would suffer.
His sister "prayed about it," then had a disabled. What then was the point of the prayer?
I would have said, "if I'm an AH for not taking that responsibility on, then what's that make you?" They're not doing it either, so why are YOU expected to do it?
NTA because you clearly set boundaries and they are trying to step across them by guilting you into it. However, you also said you sister is your best friend and not helping isn't what best friends do. You help even when.
OMG! You are sooSOOOO NTA! You're already helping financially, and being very cool about your parents leaving everything to her and nothing for you! To completely alter your home life…day in day out…forever… to accommodate her unfortunate CHOICE is way above and beyond what anyone would be expected to do. Yes, its a very sad situation, but even if she hadn't chosen this, and it was thrust upon her, you've done a lot to help. Having her move in with you is too much. If the MIL wants to move in with her to help, maybe you can help make that happen.
I have a Long time friend who's oldest child is similar to this and has been in a care home for most of his life, she was young and married to her first husband then, nothing they were expecting. She had 2 more children that are fine and has worked for years keeping them living well
Why frame it as "I'm not responsible for your life choices"? Why do that to your sister who felt obligated by the constraints of her faith to fulfill any pregnancy, as if she wants this life for her child. You don't owe her anything, but she's your sister and you're helping her with money and that is more than most families are ever able to provide. I have a feeling your sister wasn't this bad before the stress of this life change. It's long past who is at fault. Everyone makes the best of the situation and op already is by helping financially. No need to make it a self righteous argument, by anyone in the family. Whole lot of unnecessary and destructive judgment flying around. "No" doesn't need explaination. Boundaries don't come with lists of why. They just are.
If she felt obligated to have a child because of the religion she's in, then that's her problem. She's that hardcore that she's going to put her self through stress for a man in the sky.
Load More Replies... NTA for not supporting his sister even more than he already does. A bit of an AH for constantly discussing the whole thing under the "right choice - wrong choice"- ankle: So she ratted him out when he told her about not wanting a severely disabled child years ago - does he really have to keep pointing out how he was right back then now that his sister is on the ground? How about just saying "sorry but no" instead of stating that he is not responsible of her life choices -thus indicating that he´d act differently if the child was disabled without her knowing beforehand...
NTA. But not for some of the reasons you brought up. So much of your issue seems to revolve around the choice the sister and her then husband made to bring the child into the world. Well, guess what? The child is here NOW. Here to stay. This is not your responsibility to help raise and financially support your niece. You're already giving your sister $500 a month. This child is also the responsibility of the ex husband. He flew the coop. That doesn't release him from his ongoing responsibility. Even tho he may be paying child support, I'm sure it's not enough to cover expenses. This child, for better or worse, is HIS responsibility to help raise and support. I don't blame you for not wanting to add xtra people to your household. AND, not your wife's and MIL's responsibility to take care of this child, and would likely affect wife's work. SIL and her husband need help from a social worker to make sure they're getting everything they're eligible for from the gov't and other sources.
So much of this DOES resolve around sisters and BIL's choices. We all have choice and we should all be willing to live with the consequences of our choices. It gets tiring having to support so many people who make choices and then can't afford those choices. They expect the rest of us to chip in and pay for their poor choices. Oeoe choose to have 8 children that they can't afford to feed and clothe...who pays for it. We all do. This woman and her husband choose to have this devastatingly I'll child. They need to step up and deal with it and access all the programs and help that is available (that we all pay for in our taxes) It is NOT her brothers responsibility. He is already being generous and yet she badmouths him. I get that she's stressed but she's TA.
Load More Replies... I think OP has made many wise and kind decisions, and drawing a line for how much help to give is protecting his own family. But I don't see the need to say he is not reponsible for his sister's life decisions. Perhaps she finds this hurtful because it didn't seem like a choice for her and it could sound like blame. Instead he could respect her decision to keep her child and just say, sorry my current amount of help is all I am in a position to give currently, condidering my own family's needs.
I have several family members who have special needs and must say this. While I don't have anything against OP for not having space or budget for his sister I do say he's a jerk for his words to her. He could simply have explained that he cannot take her in. Telling her I am not responsible for your life choices, he makes it clear that he is judging her, then complains people are judging him. He could have avoided this drama by putting his own points in a far less judgemental way. While taking care of those with special needs is hard I would not change the time I spend with them. Just because they have disabilities does not mean that they do not have enjoyment in life. They are capable of happiness and love and having disabilities does not take that away. You do not have to be perfect to deserve a chance to live, especially as none of us are perfect.
But he's right, he's not responsible for her choices. How is that rude?
Load More Replies... Why isn't God helping the sister in her time of need?
Load More Replies... As far your personal situation goes, if your mother was told there was a "very high chance the baby might have Down's syndrome" but he didn't, this doesn't mean the doctors were wrong. The doctors warned of a high possibility, they didn't state certainty of fact. As far as your comment about the sister not trusting the doctors is concerned, with what information is provided, it's impossible to even guess whether the doctors were making statements of certainty or possibility when they warned of the health issues, but nothing in this which says the sister didn't trust what the doctors said. Edit: Meant to say, fixed your downvote.
Load More Replies... There's not a single person here, nor any I've ever met thinks this way. No one is talking about "killing children with disabilities", they are discussing the possibility of abortion in the event the potential child would have a painful, limited, and disabling quality of life. Those are very, very different situations and not a choice that I'd imagine would be made lightly nor easily by anyone. And generally speaking, I'm pretty sure NO ONE is okay with pedophiles and rapists running about, free. Neither this man's thought process nor this discussion bears any resemblance to Hitler's ideology, and your suggestion that it is, is also rather disgusting, as well as ignorant.
Load More Replies... You clearly have a lot of anger about this, and I know I'm not going to change your mind, but I don't see how you can possibly call this man a degenerate. He is giving his sister money every month, and he clearly feels compassion for his sister's child. He IS showing up for his family in the best way he can. Where's your anger for the so-called religious father of this child? THIS is the one who should be called to task here. He gets to leave reality behind and send a check every month, essentially getting a free pass on all the heartache and struggle everyone else is dealing with. I guess wedding vows, when you're "religious", don't carry much weight.
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