“AITA For Not Telling My Girlfriend And Her Family That I Can Speak Japanese?”
Knowing a few languages is a useful skill for several reasons, such as being able to travel to the country where the language is spoken and understand everything, which helps in an environment you’re not familiar with, having international friends, and the overall benefit for your brain.
Another perk is that sometimes people may assume that you don’t speak the language, so you can listen to what they are saying, especially if the conversation is revolving around you. Reddit user Ta2777271 was having fun with it, but when it surfaced that she understood everything, that made her girlfriend angry.
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Woman didn’t think that not telling her girlfriend that she can speak Japanese would be a big deal, but it actually caused a little bit of drama
Image source: Marc Veraart (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) is 18 years old and she is from Brazil, however, she has Japanese heritage. It’s on her mom’s side, so nobody could really guess it, because she has her dad’s surname, which is not Japanese, and she doesn’t have the appearance of an Asian person in general.
She grew up in her great-grandmother’s and grandmother’s house where the family spoke Japanese almost all the time, so naturally, the OP picked it up and was fluent in it.
The OP has a Japanese mom, but from her appearance you wouldn’t guess it
Image source: Ta2777271
The OP has been dating her girlfriend Lara for 5 months and she also has Japanese descent, but unlike Ta2777271, it is obvious from her appearance. Although Lara knew that Japanese genes were one of the things they both had in common, she didn’t know the OP could speak Japanese as it had never come up in a conversation.
So Lara never knew that when the OP came over for dinner with her parents, she could understand everything her parents were saying, from the chores she should do to comments about the guest’s appearance.
She has a girlfriend whose parents are both Japanese, so she has a distinctively Asian appearance
Image source: Ta2777271
Ta2777271 noted that she never felt offended, but found the situation amusing because most of the time they would speak Portuguese and switch to Japanese to talk about things they wouldn’t want someone from outside the family to know or to talk badly about their guest, thinking she was completely out of the loop.
Eventually Lara and her family found out that the OP could speak Japanese and understood all of their previous conversations. It was during dinner when the Redditor’s parents also came to meet Lara’s family.
They both know about each other’s Japanese roots, but Lara, the girlfriend, didn’t know the OP also speaks the language
Image source: Ta2777271
It was the first time they’d all had dinner together because OP’s parents live far away and when they came to visit her, they wanted to meet her girlfriend’s parents as well.
They were all talking in Portuguese until OP’s mom came back from a call and referred to her in Japanese, so Ta2777271 also answered in the same language. Lara and her family didn’t react in any way during dinner, although the Redditor felt they were surprised to learn this fact about her.
The topic never came up so when the OP would visit Lara’s parents, she understood everything they wanted to hide from her
Image source: Ta2777271
Later that evening, Lara wanted to talk to the OP and when they did, Lara was clearly upset that she wasn’t ever told her girlfriend could speak Japanese, because they purposefully switched to it to talk about boring family stuff so the OP wouldn’t understand. Lara felt that the OP made the dinner awkward by revealing she spoke Japanese at that moment.
Lara didn’t mention the rude remarks her parents made towards the OP, so she brought them up herself and thought that because Lara never asked, she didn’t need to announce it. She also didn’t speak Japanese on purpose but because her mom addressed her in that language, the OP responded as she normally would.
The secret was revealed when OP’s parents came to have dinner at Lara’s house and exchanged a phrase in Japanese with her
Image source: Ta2777271
But gossiping in any language is pretty rude, especially if the person is in the same room and as is evident from this situation, you never know if they understand you or not. People like learning languages so they don’t need to look a certain way to speak it.
There was actually a huge trend on TikTok of people stitching liv_iathan who asked people to tell their stories about someone talking about them in a different language which they understood. Many of those stories were quite satisfying as people really knew how to describe the gossipers’ reactions, but in general, they probably weren’t the most pleasant experiences.
Lara was quite upset that she only found out after 5 months of dating and didn’t understand why the OP hadn’t mentioned it earlier
Image source: Ta2777271
Image source: riNux (not the actual photo)
Frank T. McAndrew, Ph.D, Professor of Psychology at Knox College in Galesburg, says that everybody gossips. It is actually a practice that comes from the early days of humankind because knowledge about people surrounding you was essential to survival.
Gossip in current days isn’t necessarily bad either, because you can warn one another about untrustworthy people, so it can have a positive effect, but it can also make someone feel uncomfortable.
That might have been the case with Ta2777271 and that is why she didn’t bring up the fact she understood Japanese and thus that Lara’s parents were talking about her. Do you think she should have said something? Or do you think that the parents wouldn’t have felt awkward if they hadn’t badmouthed her in the first place? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
People in the comments were more focused on the fact that Lara’s parents were not just talking in Japanese, but were making remarks about the OP
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It seems hard for me to fathom that in five months of dating, you and your GF never talked about whether you could speak Japanese, especially since she knows you're hapa. I'm hapa, and with just about every other friend of mine who is at least part Japanese we have had that conversation. "Yeah, I grew up speaking it but only at home...", or "My grandparents would talk to me in Japanese but I would respond in [another language]...", or even "My parents used to talk to each other in Japanese when they didn't want us kids to know what they're talking about, so we had to learn it." But to answer your question, everybody kinda sucks here. Your GF's parents for talking unko ($hit) in front of you (never polite even if you did not understand it), and you (a little) for not letting them know you wakaru (understand) early on to head off a potentially embarrassing sitch, and (possibly) your GF, for holding you to a higher standard than she does her parents (assuming she didn't b***h them out).
You're not replying to the poster. This was clearly posted on Reddit.
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The ideal thing to do was to inform GF after that first meal that OP understood the conversation and ask the family to not gossip in front of her.
The mature, adult way to handle it would be to let GF know after the first instance, and let her handle it privately with her parents. Then everyone could move on and politely pretend like that one time never happened. But now that it has been going on for months, it is going to be a permanent thing in the relationship.
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It's EXTREMLY impolite to speak a language someone doesn't speak in front of them.
In five months it never ever came up this half Japanese girl speaks Japanese as well? Gtf out of here
5 months of dating, and the question on language never came up, I find that very hard to believe. Being both of Japanese descent it would be the most normal thing to do.Especially as the OP has visited her friends home on several occations.I wonder why she never let on that she speaks Japanese. I speak 5 languages..and get the gist of conversations in more languages To total strangers I don´t feel the need to inform them that I understand what is being said...i.e overheard talks on public transport or phones etc.but in a private home where I am a guest,parties,museum tours and such I will inform I understand the native language well enough. I found this post extremely rude,not funny and the OP is 100% at fault. She shows a total lack of respect.
ETA. Her parents are rude for badmouthing, but it is also incredibly rude to listen to private conversations- no matter what language they are held in. Its like finding out you were listening at the door to conversations that are intended to be private. I say this as someone who lives in a country that does not speak my native language. I am often privy to conversations people think I cant understand. I always declare myself when this happens to avoid confusion and embarrassment.
It's kind of hard NOT to listen to a 'private conversation' when it's going on right in front of you, though.
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I'd have heard the "weird thing to wear" or "didn't eat" comments and said in reply, in the lingua franca (Portuguese in this case), "Oh? I find this outfit comfortable. Oh, and I wasn't as hungry as I thought, it is delicious food nonetheless." So they'd know I udnerstood. THey get to be mortified, I'm TA, whatever, but using another language as "code" is rude AF, IMHO. Mom's parents did it to us all the tiem, not realizing we were kids, we'd learned the language!
i never assume a person is limit to one language. i didn't know my mom could speak spanish until i was in my 40s. i had to go to a different city for surgery, she came along. but i had to stay in the area after discharge in case of complications. well, yes there were so she is driving around, trying to get me to the ER. ends up in a neighborhood, sees a lady outside, asks for directions. lady tells her no english. mom starts speaking spanish with ease, gets the info, then starts to drive while my jaw is dropped. then she turned to me and says, 'not bad for high school spanish'. she was 69 at the time and i had never heard one word of spanish from her all my life.
How is OP getting such backlash for not disclosing that she knows Japanese? If GF and her family are going to use the language to talk about her and not say that that's what they're doing, then she has zero responsibility in letting the family know that she knows the language. They're using the language to badmouth her, she's using the language to understand that she's being badmouthed. The two situations are not the same.
NTA - OP has tried not to make a thing of GF's parents badmouthing her until it was apparent that she knew. If I was the GF I'd have wanted to know so that I could comfort her but wouldn't be berating her for not mentioning it, I'd understand that she was trying not to put me in an awkward situation. GF's parents however ARE AHoles. Nice to hear someone stick up for you when they need not do it simply for how it looked though. Hope you guys put it behind you..
I don't believe it. FIVE MONTHS go by without this detail being discussed? And it's ALWAYS good manners to let someone know you speak a language they are using in front of you the minute they start using it, so they know not to speak about private matters in front of you. (Also, it's bad manners to switch to another language to hide part of a conversation, so shame on the family for doing that.)
Parents were rude talking about her in a language they assumed wouldn't be understood. OP is playing innocent "oh it never came up..." but likely enjoyed the situation. Gf is upset because her parents embarrassed themselves and OP didn't stop it. OP isn't an AH but I call BS on her not knowing it might be an issue.
ESH. If I understand someone bad mouthing me *right in front of me*, I'm going to say something. Let it slide the first time. Second time? Nope - I'm letting you know you need to be more discreet with your rudeness. You can't stop people being rude if that's how they choose to be; but that doesn't mean you have to put up with actually listening to it.
I'm confused as to why some believe OP should have said she speaks the language earlier. What if they only knew one language and she over heard them? The parents should not have been bad mouthing her. There shouldn't have been an issue. So, they should be able to speak behind her back in front of her? The parents would have been embarrassed no matter when she let them know. If the first time she broke out in Japanese to address their insults, how would've that gone? Then they insult her in another language? To me it is insulting to switch language at all, especially to hide words. It would be trying to exclude her.
Rather than it coming up at a gathering in an off the cuff moment that it did, perhaps the 'the dishes for lunch are yours' should have been given a similar 'off the cuff' comment as well (like 'to have a second chance at enjoying the dish will be so nice' in Japanese) A moment lost in the regard. Then it put them on notice that OP has a skill unknown till then, and to be careful in the future.
Mnn, as someone who speaks two languages I feel you have no need to reveal it like it's a weapon lol. You don't have to go "let's date, but you should know.. I speak more languages.." It's a little strange that it didn't come up considering the circumstances leading to this and often this makes me feel it's fiction, but from YTA to NTA I feel it is 100% NTA. They should take care of what they want to say in public and apologize for it coming out as it did.
Parents were rude for using a 'foreign' language in front of her, and yet I still think she should've volunteered the information about being able to understand them. The fact that it didn't come up in conversation with her girlfriend at least is a bit weird.
So Brazil has a huge Japanese population. Many Brazilians of Japanese decent speak Japanese. This was a stupid assumption that she did not. That said, she should have told her GF after the first lunch. I don't think you have to announce to everyone that you speak languages, i hear convos on Spanish all the time. Not about me, not going to say i speak the language. But this is your partner, and you're going to her family home
Immature OP not to reveal waaay earlier to girlfriend. Rude parents speaking what they thought was in coded language. Equally boneheaded of girlfriend not to stop parents from excluding her girlfriend....not hospitality here. None of them are assholes....but thet did things that were wrong. Did OP's mom speak to her in Japenese after hearing it already around the table? If not, a whole nother layer....
At 5 months, it went from accidental misunderstanding to purposely lying and deceiving for kicks and giggles. It feels like she was doing this as a gross "test" of her girlfriend, to spy that she would always counter the (admit it: extremely mild, and totally standard in Japan) "bad" comments (seriously, it's not a taboo to speak negatively of a person's physical appearance there. If you are fat or weird looking EVERYONE will tell you. Repeatedly. It's considered a kind/ helpful thing.) I'm hoping she gets dumped, because this reveals a fairly ugly side of her personality. Even if the parents deserved this trick (which they didn't) the girlfriend absolutely did not do anything to earn it.
I can speak and understand a little Zulu. Not enough to hold a conversation longer than, "Hello, how are you, I'm fine, It's hot/cold today" but enough to know when children are talking smack about and/or threatening each other. Their eyes always pop out when this lily-white European-descended teacher turns around and says, in Zulu, "Stop that and sit down!"
Oh, please. Give me a f*****g break. Bet you a quarter that anybody who is saying YTA or ESH are the type of people who would do exactly what OP's GF's parents did - make assumptions and then get butthurt when they were caught in the act. Assumption is the mother of all f**k-ups, people. Don't make assumptions. Oh, and f**k off. NTA.
While what the parents did was wrong,but yes, you are an a*****e. You eavesdropped on their private conversations. As soon as you heard them speak Japanese you should have let your gf know so she could let her parents know. As it was, you continued to listen in on conversations that were not intended for you, regardless what they were.
YTA. Your relationship with your gf has progressed enough that you are meeting each other’s families but not enough for you to tell her what languages you speak? You never mentioned this so you’d have an advantage over them and could show them up.
It seems hard for me to fathom that in five months of dating, you and your GF never talked about whether you could speak Japanese, especially since she knows you're hapa. I'm hapa, and with just about every other friend of mine who is at least part Japanese we have had that conversation. "Yeah, I grew up speaking it but only at home...", or "My grandparents would talk to me in Japanese but I would respond in [another language]...", or even "My parents used to talk to each other in Japanese when they didn't want us kids to know what they're talking about, so we had to learn it." But to answer your question, everybody kinda sucks here. Your GF's parents for talking unko ($hit) in front of you (never polite even if you did not understand it), and you (a little) for not letting them know you wakaru (understand) early on to head off a potentially embarrassing sitch, and (possibly) your GF, for holding you to a higher standard than she does her parents (assuming she didn't b***h them out).
You're not replying to the poster. This was clearly posted on Reddit.
Load More Replies... The ideal thing to do was to inform GF after that first meal that OP understood the conversation and ask the family to not gossip in front of her.
The mature, adult way to handle it would be to let GF know after the first instance, and let her handle it privately with her parents. Then everyone could move on and politely pretend like that one time never happened. But now that it has been going on for months, it is going to be a permanent thing in the relationship.
Load More Replies... It's EXTREMLY impolite to speak a language someone doesn't speak in front of them.
In five months it never ever came up this half Japanese girl speaks Japanese as well? Gtf out of here
5 months of dating, and the question on language never came up, I find that very hard to believe. Being both of Japanese descent it would be the most normal thing to do.Especially as the OP has visited her friends home on several occations.I wonder why she never let on that she speaks Japanese. I speak 5 languages..and get the gist of conversations in more languages To total strangers I don´t feel the need to inform them that I understand what is being said...i.e overheard talks on public transport or phones etc.but in a private home where I am a guest,parties,museum tours and such I will inform I understand the native language well enough. I found this post extremely rude,not funny and the OP is 100% at fault. She shows a total lack of respect.
ETA. Her parents are rude for badmouthing, but it is also incredibly rude to listen to private conversations- no matter what language they are held in. Its like finding out you were listening at the door to conversations that are intended to be private. I say this as someone who lives in a country that does not speak my native language. I am often privy to conversations people think I cant understand. I always declare myself when this happens to avoid confusion and embarrassment.
It's kind of hard NOT to listen to a 'private conversation' when it's going on right in front of you, though.
Load More Replies... I'd have heard the "weird thing to wear" or "didn't eat" comments and said in reply, in the lingua franca (Portuguese in this case), "Oh? I find this outfit comfortable. Oh, and I wasn't as hungry as I thought, it is delicious food nonetheless." So they'd know I udnerstood. THey get to be mortified, I'm TA, whatever, but using another language as "code" is rude AF, IMHO. Mom's parents did it to us all the tiem, not realizing we were kids, we'd learned the language!
i never assume a person is limit to one language. i didn't know my mom could speak spanish until i was in my 40s. i had to go to a different city for surgery, she came along. but i had to stay in the area after discharge in case of complications. well, yes there were so she is driving around, trying to get me to the ER. ends up in a neighborhood, sees a lady outside, asks for directions. lady tells her no english. mom starts speaking spanish with ease, gets the info, then starts to drive while my jaw is dropped. then she turned to me and says, 'not bad for high school spanish'. she was 69 at the time and i had never heard one word of spanish from her all my life.
How is OP getting such backlash for not disclosing that she knows Japanese? If GF and her family are going to use the language to talk about her and not say that that's what they're doing, then she has zero responsibility in letting the family know that she knows the language. They're using the language to badmouth her, she's using the language to understand that she's being badmouthed. The two situations are not the same.
NTA - OP has tried not to make a thing of GF's parents badmouthing her until it was apparent that she knew. If I was the GF I'd have wanted to know so that I could comfort her but wouldn't be berating her for not mentioning it, I'd understand that she was trying not to put me in an awkward situation. GF's parents however ARE AHoles. Nice to hear someone stick up for you when they need not do it simply for how it looked though. Hope you guys put it behind you..
I don't believe it. FIVE MONTHS go by without this detail being discussed? And it's ALWAYS good manners to let someone know you speak a language they are using in front of you the minute they start using it, so they know not to speak about private matters in front of you. (Also, it's bad manners to switch to another language to hide part of a conversation, so shame on the family for doing that.)
Parents were rude talking about her in a language they assumed wouldn't be understood. OP is playing innocent "oh it never came up..." but likely enjoyed the situation. Gf is upset because her parents embarrassed themselves and OP didn't stop it. OP isn't an AH but I call BS on her not knowing it might be an issue.
ESH. If I understand someone bad mouthing me *right in front of me*, I'm going to say something. Let it slide the first time. Second time? Nope - I'm letting you know you need to be more discreet with your rudeness. You can't stop people being rude if that's how they choose to be; but that doesn't mean you have to put up with actually listening to it.
I'm confused as to why some believe OP should have said she speaks the language earlier. What if they only knew one language and she over heard them? The parents should not have been bad mouthing her. There shouldn't have been an issue. So, they should be able to speak behind her back in front of her? The parents would have been embarrassed no matter when she let them know. If the first time she broke out in Japanese to address their insults, how would've that gone? Then they insult her in another language? To me it is insulting to switch language at all, especially to hide words. It would be trying to exclude her.
Rather than it coming up at a gathering in an off the cuff moment that it did, perhaps the 'the dishes for lunch are yours' should have been given a similar 'off the cuff' comment as well (like 'to have a second chance at enjoying the dish will be so nice' in Japanese) A moment lost in the regard. Then it put them on notice that OP has a skill unknown till then, and to be careful in the future.
Mnn, as someone who speaks two languages I feel you have no need to reveal it like it's a weapon lol. You don't have to go "let's date, but you should know.. I speak more languages.." It's a little strange that it didn't come up considering the circumstances leading to this and often this makes me feel it's fiction, but from YTA to NTA I feel it is 100% NTA. They should take care of what they want to say in public and apologize for it coming out as it did.
Parents were rude for using a 'foreign' language in front of her, and yet I still think she should've volunteered the information about being able to understand them. The fact that it didn't come up in conversation with her girlfriend at least is a bit weird.
So Brazil has a huge Japanese population. Many Brazilians of Japanese decent speak Japanese. This was a stupid assumption that she did not. That said, she should have told her GF after the first lunch. I don't think you have to announce to everyone that you speak languages, i hear convos on Spanish all the time. Not about me, not going to say i speak the language. But this is your partner, and you're going to her family home
Immature OP not to reveal waaay earlier to girlfriend. Rude parents speaking what they thought was in coded language. Equally boneheaded of girlfriend not to stop parents from excluding her girlfriend....not hospitality here. None of them are assholes....but thet did things that were wrong. Did OP's mom speak to her in Japenese after hearing it already around the table? If not, a whole nother layer....
At 5 months, it went from accidental misunderstanding to purposely lying and deceiving for kicks and giggles. It feels like she was doing this as a gross "test" of her girlfriend, to spy that she would always counter the (admit it: extremely mild, and totally standard in Japan) "bad" comments (seriously, it's not a taboo to speak negatively of a person's physical appearance there. If you are fat or weird looking EVERYONE will tell you. Repeatedly. It's considered a kind/ helpful thing.) I'm hoping she gets dumped, because this reveals a fairly ugly side of her personality. Even if the parents deserved this trick (which they didn't) the girlfriend absolutely did not do anything to earn it.
I can speak and understand a little Zulu. Not enough to hold a conversation longer than, "Hello, how are you, I'm fine, It's hot/cold today" but enough to know when children are talking smack about and/or threatening each other. Their eyes always pop out when this lily-white European-descended teacher turns around and says, in Zulu, "Stop that and sit down!"
Oh, please. Give me a f*****g break. Bet you a quarter that anybody who is saying YTA or ESH are the type of people who would do exactly what OP's GF's parents did - make assumptions and then get butthurt when they were caught in the act. Assumption is the mother of all f**k-ups, people. Don't make assumptions. Oh, and f**k off. NTA.
While what the parents did was wrong,but yes, you are an a*****e. You eavesdropped on their private conversations. As soon as you heard them speak Japanese you should have let your gf know so she could let her parents know. As it was, you continued to listen in on conversations that were not intended for you, regardless what they were.
YTA. Your relationship with your gf has progressed enough that you are meeting each other’s families but not enough for you to tell her what languages you speak? You never mentioned this so you’d have an advantage over them and could show them up.
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