“She Attacked Him First”: Family Feud Ensues After Dad Refuses To Punish His Son For Standing Up Against His Homophobic Aunt
As we all know, although family is very important, some members of a family don’t always see eye to eye regarding certain things. Such things can cause rifts and arguments among family members and that can lead to some rather upsetting situations. It is therefore no wonder that Reddit user aitasondyed took his situation to the AITA subreddit in order to make sure he didn’t do anything wrong.
In the case of aitasondyed, he got into an argument with his sister. In a nutshell, the Original Poster (OP) let his son dye his hair in pride colors to help him stand in solidarity with a girl in his school who came out as bisexual and got bullied as a result. When OP’s sister saw his son’s hair during a family BBQ, she did not like it at all and, in fact, did everything to convince both the parent and the son to cover up the hair and eventually re-dye it to its natural color. OP’s sister said some questionable remarks and threatened to kick the son out of the BBQ purely due to his hair. The situation got even more heated afterwards. Scroll down for the whole story.
More info: Reddit
Talking back to your elders is not necessarily the polite thing to do, but it can be the right thing
Image credits: Lelê Breveglieri (not the actual photo)
One dad turned to the internet to see if he was wrong to let his son talk back to his aunt over his hair
Image credits: aitasondyed
OP is a single father, as his wife passed away, and is raising a 16-year-old son. The other important individual in this story is OP’s sister who is, according to him, someone who speaks her mind clearly and is not “outright homophobic/racist.” As you will see later on, the latter is not entirely true.
OP’s son approached him to ask whether he could dye his hair in pride colors in solidarity with a fellow student, which he approved of, since it was a good cause
Image credits: aitasondyed
Some parents do not approve of their kids making big changes to their appearance before they reach adulthood, which is understandable. In the case of OP, he would’ve stuck to this rule when it came to his son. But since OP saw that this was an occasion dedicated to supporting a good cause, he made no objections. He felt pride in the fact that his son was standing up for someone. Whether or not OP felt sympathy for the LGBTQ+ community is unclear, however, the fact that he let his son express that is truly heartwarming.
Some time after having his hair dyed, OP’s son was confronted by the aforementioned sister at a family gathering, which backfired for her
Image credits: aitasondyed
Even though OP did say that his sister was not overtly homophobic, the last three images prove that this is not the case. She verbally attacked OP’s son and tried to enforce conformity upon him due to her beliefs, which are indeed homophobic. OP’s son was under great pressure and even though what he said was harsh, he was put into a position where defending oneself is not a surprising reaction.
After the situation, OP’s sister called him and refused to talk to him after she was told that OP’s son will not receive a punishment, which made OP feel like he was TA
Image credits: aitasondyed
OP’s situation can be understandable. He feels like he is TA because his sister, especially considering the comments from his parents, was not doing alright after the situation. However, as OP himself says, his son had the right to defend himself when he was attacked.
OP then goes on to provide some clarification of his sister’s behavior when it comes to being homophobic and describes her other toxic traits
Image credits: aitasondyed
Homophobia is clearly not okay, even when it doesn’t necessarily appear overt to some. The description of OP’s sister when it comes to her other toxic traits doesn’t paint a pretty picture either, so it could be said that it is rather unsurprising that she reacted so badly to something as simple as dyed hair.
The comment section responded pretty much unanimously to OP’s story by saying that he was not TA and pointing out that his sister’s behavior was despicable
While some thought OP’s son went overboard with his remark when he was defending himself, everyone agreed he had the right to stand his ground and praised OP
This story has a couple of angles for sure, but one thing is for certain, if somebody has personal issues and decides to unload them unto somebody else, they should expect a reaction to their initial action. Overall, OP does indeed seem like a great parent, all things considered, and the comment section rings true as well.
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If my sister dared to say something like that in my house, and least to my kids she would be kicked out of the house so fast that she wouldnt know what hit her.
it's the kind of thing one of my sisters would say... that why she not allowed in my house
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Pink was initially considered a boys colour anyway, given that it was a lighter form of the colour red - which was considered masculine, pink was seen as a colour for young boys. Light Blue was considered dainty and feminine, somewhere along the line, that reversed. But realistically, I don't give a f**k what colour anyone of any gender likes/wears. wtf.
It changed mostly cause of the Nazis. Gay men were forced to wear pink triangles.
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Right? Judgmental af but ignores her own "sins" and claims to be righteous.
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NTA. I could argue all the pro's and con's of the situation, but the only thing that truly needs commented on is HOW FANTASTIC YOUR SON IS. You and your wife have done an absolutely magnificent job raising a stand-up human being. First he wishes to dye his hair traditionally non-male colors and facing bullying himself for standing up for someone else - thumbs up. Then he justifiably defends himself, when she's throwing stones in glass houses, with some of the finest cut-rate wit from a 16yr old - kudos on the swift intelligence. Then he has the ability to review his actions from the previous day, and even though he was wholly in the right, he still manages to have empathy and sympathy for his A-hole aunt and admit remorse over his choice of words - talk about emotional maturity! That lad right there is going to make one brilliant human, and people will be all the better for knowing him. He's done a grand job on himself, and you've done a grand job raising him.
Yes, he's a fantastic young man, full of empathy but also strong AF!
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This was kind of hilarious. I'm still surprised about what people think causes homosexuality though.
I'm always baffled when people say it is a choice. Sure, of course a kid will choose a sexuality that will get him/her bullied in school and discriminated against or even beaten. Just for fun. /s
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I just wanna say the girl with the pink/purple/blue/green dyed hair in the pic looks AMAZING. 😍
Ikr? I wanna dye my hair like that soon
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She actually thinks son's rainbow hair would "make her sons "turn gay!" Yes, she's a big-time homophobic. Nobody "turns gay!" It's none of her business what color his hair is. And then she's going to "kick the son out" of the BBQ OP is hosting. No apology is deserved for her! I'm surprised the first husband put up with her as long as he did!!! (I'd love it if turned out that she cheated with a woman!) LOL!!
Re Scruff the wonderless dog: Zoologists are discovering that homosexual and bisexual activity is not unknown within the animal kingdom. Baboons, bison, bonobos, brown bear, brown rats, guinea pigs, caribou, domestic cats and cattle, chimpanzees, common dolphins, common marmosets, dogs, elephants, foxes, giraffes, goats, horses, koalas, lions, orca, pandas, raccoons have all been observed to display same-sex behaviors. That's just the mammals.
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Note to self: wait until I'm in college to come out as bi, because then I'll have people to defend me.
Be sure to stay safe until then, because this reads like your current environment is potentially hostile.
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Off topic, but it's sweet that he still makes a good faith effort to respect his wife's wishes regarding parenting
Your sister is obviously sexist and gender bias, which are both as bad as homophobic IMO. Conservatives have a bad habit (not all of them) of calling everything that doesnt fit into their tiny box as sin... no matter what it is, while wallowing in their own hypocracy (being the cause of divorce is a greater sin than hair color for most conservatives I know).
Oh, and there's a big difference between "conservative" and "homophobic". There are plenty of conservatives who aren't a-holes, and we need to acknowledge that and stop conflating the two terms.
In Canada, there are fiscal conservatives who have no issue with LGBTQ+ rights.
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Well done to this dad for standing by his son and defending him. I wish more kids had the privilege of knowing their parents have got their backs (obviously within reason, not letting them get away with it if they actually did something wrong).
Funny as hell. I love your son. Plus b***h sister is cutting herself off - I'm not seeing a downside here.
Excuse me the aunt is hella messed up??? Thinks her nephew will turn her kids gay wtf??? You don’t TURN gay. You just are.
The son should write a short note to the aunt apologizing ONLY for saying what he did, that he knows it was hurtful, but that he was also deeply hurt by what she said. Then the OP should add to the note, telling her he will never forget how she spoke to his son & judged both of them, in their home, in front of family, and that until she is willing to apologize to both of them, she is no longer welcome in their home. OP & his son can be civil & tolerate her at other family gatherings, but she won't be invited to their house.
. Sometimes we do things that are wrong as a response to being wrong. Son should apologize for WHAT he said. NOT for defending himself against her hemophilia. She should apologize also, but won't, and this is a good life lesson for son.
I mean, as a vampire myself, it is within his right to fight off her hemophilia. Don't suck others' blood without their consent!
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The sister sounds just awful. 100% not ok to talk to the kid that way. I do think the kid could have handled it better though. It was a nasty thing to say, which doesn't make him much better. Whether her husband left her for a man, a woman, a unicorn, doesn't matter. He intentionally hurt her in a way that he knew would be devastating. I am queer and have been in similar situations as this kid. However, I've also left a spouse because they cheated on me and know how that can rock you to your core. I'm not defending the sister at all. Just saying that was a dirty card for the kid to have played.
Yeah, the problem with low-blow insults is that they create sympathy for the homophobe, as happened in this case. The family is offering sympathy to the homophobic sister and telling the dad and son to apologize, so the boy's tactics failed to advance the cause. Dad should have a chat with sonny about effective and ineffective ways to stand up to racists and homophobes.
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of course the sister is the ashhole, though the son maybe hit below the belt. Having said that, some of these AITA posts... "I stopped my car to save 50 children who were being trafficked and i'm pretty sure that i did the right thing, but i know that it held up other people and made them late for work, so AITA?" Some of these people don't seem like they are genuinely asking for judgement, but more for a pat on the back.
So very true. Although I do think this guy might have been genuinely conflicted.
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NTA son shouldn't apologise. I am curious though, did the cousins turn gay? Pretty sure that is how it works right?
I'm sorry. People are saying that, although the sister displayed her homophobia, the son was wrong in saying something so hurtful...BS. There is the old saying of "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks." That totally applies here. She was taking his personal lifestyle and telling him it was wrong in front of everyone. He called her out on the fact that her life is not as pure as the driven snow. If you don't want to be judged for the way you live your life, then keep your own judgements to yourself.
My SIL tried to make me punish my 7 year old because she tried to hug him and he wasn't feeling it. Just shouted "don't touch me". She said "You need to say please when you ask your elders to do something" I responded back before he could apologize and said you touched him without permission, you will never even imply to my kids that their body isn't their domain. You owe him the apology for assuming it was ok. She doesn't like me anymore
I would make it worse, and tell her that she made the Ex Gay because she is carrying the gay virus and spreading gayness to everyone she touches.
The homophobic sister with the martyr complex is clearly the a*****e, and the son's response to her was an absolute mic drop. He's clearly a great kid and she's a bitter hag.
What does her supporting you have anything to do with it? Death and grieving vs separation for reasons and harassment are two very different things even though at the core or base of it is the loss of a significant other. With what she said to him I consider this a clean blow.
I was set against my daughter dying her hair, but as a wise mom told me to let it happen, let her get it out of her system before she gets to high school or beyond to get a better job. As it is only hair, it grows out, the fad or in this case , a cause to draw support for will run it's course and be done. By making it a BIG deal, is where the younger children could be influnced, not the colors themselves.
Sorry man, the only thing you did wrong is tip-toeing around mentally challenged and potentially dangerous people, instead of getting them help.
The son might go to his aunt and tell her while he won't apologize for standing up for himself, he apologizes for the way he stood up for himself.
Those saying the teen struck a 'low blow"? Bump that noise. She DRAGGED him " low". He acted like she acted, in RE-action. Abuse is abuse. She should grow up, mentally and emotionally, and realize she's not the boss of the world.
When I was a kid I saw someone with pink hair and that's why I'm bisexual
If I had children and someone said something like that to them, I would totally let my kids kick their asses.
I'm not sure what was so bad about what the son said. If it had come out of nowhere, maybe, but she was clearly being homophobic and he implied that her ex-husband is much happier now. Which, tbh, if she was getting them in debt and cheating on him, he'd be much happier regardless of the gender of his partner. I'd be proud of the kid if he was mine.
Kudos to the kid for his brilliant and piercing response to his aunt. It was true and to the point...point, set, and win
She needs to learn appropriate boundaries if she wants to be included in your life, not the other way around.
I would say since he feels guilty have him apologise for bringing up her divorce. Maybe have him say something like I lashed out because your words were offensive and hurtful but that doesn't make it right for me to hurt you back. However, make it very clear to the sister that he is not being punished, that the apology is purely because HE feels he went too far, and that she is absolutely not forgiven by either of you until she accepts that her words and actions were wrong. If the kid didn't feel bad about it I certainly wouldn't be making him apologise - she started it and he sure as hell finished it. But he knows he didn't mean to hurt her as much as he did and he feels bad about it. It's perfectly fine to apologise for the unintended consequences of your actions without admitting your actions were, themselves, unwarranted.
NTA, your sisters the AH. Don’t let her behavior go unchecked. She needs to learn that people are not gonna tolerate her hateful opinions nor should they ever have to. She needs a reality check.
The teenager could clear his conscious by writing a letter to the aunt explaining why his hair was dyed the way it was, and that colored hair doesn't make people gay, but also expressing his regret for resorting to the personal attack instead of explaining himself to her in person. He could then suggest that she attempt to communicate in ways that allow for dialogue in the future. That puts the ball in her court in regards to behavioral expectations, and in a way that I'm sure will leave her feeling appropriately chastised by a teenager who is somehow more mature than her.
if hair with those colours turns her sons gay or bi then i got news for her it wasn't the hair that did it
I worry about the kids being raised by a vicious homophobe who appears to feel entitled to spew her hatred at anyone. That's what the whole family should be concerned about at this point, not her butt hurt. As for the son who was insulted, I would ask him to consider how he might have stood up for himself without being unkind. Not because the aunt deserves kindness, but because it's important for a 16 year old to know how to argue and disagree without necessarily attacking the other person, just as a life lesson.
I agree that the son had every right to clap back at his aunt. Maybe use different ammunition then her divorce though. That seems a bit too personal. She does sound outright homophobic though. Dad needs to sit her down and tell her that she shouldn't say things like that in front of his kids or else they might learn hatred and how his kid was showing another person love to combat hatred. How that's a good thing. It'll probably do nothing but a lot of hatred is ignorance. Maybe eventually she'll change.
Yes your sister was well and truly out of line, and it sounds like she may need grief counseling. Her comments and from what you say attitude in general is intolerant to difference. Your son says he felt guilty for what he said, that is a sign of maturity and I would encourage him to apologize for the words he used but not for dying his hair. Remember not standing up to your own mistakes will help make you intolerant in mistakes in others... we are all human and all make stuff ups
Guuuuurrrrllllllll, you had better sit down all the way in the back three counties over. He is not yours. It is not your business. No one asked your opinion and no one cares what you think. I'm the type that I would go do my hair the same exact way just to piss her off even more. She needs some help. My son's hair is Ronald McDonald red right now. I don't like it but it's hair color. Who cares? One day he'll look back and talk about how dumb he looked but he'll also remember that I supported and respected him enough to allow him to make the decision. I, too, bought the color for his hair. Life is full of battles. We do not have to choose to fight them all. Hair color is not a battle I choose to fight. There is so much else I could be dealing with having a 19 year old in today's times. Hair color is nothing and, for that, I'm very grateful. I hope this boy keeps his hair however he wants it. The aunt needs to zip it and go to some trauma therapy. Seems like she truly needs it.
Her not talking to you sounds like a great benefit from this whole situation!
NTA. My aunt has said homophobic things around me (not knowing that I'm bi), even though I wouldn't necessarily consider her homophobic (she doesn't approve of being LGBTQ+, but she would never treat someone differently because of it). It feels horrible, like being hollowed out inside. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like with someone being so outright homophobic.
I figured out what happened to the sister here. She read Gen 30:39 where animals get stripes from observations, so she figures that kids seeing mermaid hair will be like omg i totally want to be mermaidy now. Gen 30:39: "they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted."
She shouldn't approach him like that, but I agree he shouldn't talk to her like that just out of respect, I think. In the end he's feeling guilty and she's playing victim, nobody won. Wave it off, don't feel guilty being an a-hole just because someone else is. Not worth it for your own good, you're better than that.
Like the Kids React vid on the IR Cheerios commercial, this gives me hope for the next generation.
So the son felt it was okay to support a bisexual girl at school, but chose to overlook the fact that his aunt had been hurt emotionally by her husband who left her for another man. I'm not saying what she did was right, but they also didn't try to be understanding of her emotional pain. Sometimes people lash out because they are in pain. Understanding and calm conversation on both sides could have deescalated the situation and saved everyone an unneeded issue. And before someone calls me a homophobe, I have two family members who are gay, and I have three good friends who are also gay.
Though he might have taken it too far, he admitted to feeling guilty afterwards, so he is aware that he was not completely in the right.
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If my sister dared to say something like that in my house, and least to my kids she would be kicked out of the house so fast that she wouldnt know what hit her.
it's the kind of thing one of my sisters would say... that why she not allowed in my house
Load More Replies... Pink was initially considered a boys colour anyway, given that it was a lighter form of the colour red - which was considered masculine, pink was seen as a colour for young boys. Light Blue was considered dainty and feminine, somewhere along the line, that reversed. But realistically, I don't give a f**k what colour anyone of any gender likes/wears. wtf.
It changed mostly cause of the Nazis. Gay men were forced to wear pink triangles.
Load More Replies... Right? Judgmental af but ignores her own "sins" and claims to be righteous.
Load More Replies... NTA. I could argue all the pro's and con's of the situation, but the only thing that truly needs commented on is HOW FANTASTIC YOUR SON IS. You and your wife have done an absolutely magnificent job raising a stand-up human being. First he wishes to dye his hair traditionally non-male colors and facing bullying himself for standing up for someone else - thumbs up. Then he justifiably defends himself, when she's throwing stones in glass houses, with some of the finest cut-rate wit from a 16yr old - kudos on the swift intelligence. Then he has the ability to review his actions from the previous day, and even though he was wholly in the right, he still manages to have empathy and sympathy for his A-hole aunt and admit remorse over his choice of words - talk about emotional maturity! That lad right there is going to make one brilliant human, and people will be all the better for knowing him. He's done a grand job on himself, and you've done a grand job raising him.
Yes, he's a fantastic young man, full of empathy but also strong AF!
Load More Replies... This was kind of hilarious. I'm still surprised about what people think causes homosexuality though.
I'm always baffled when people say it is a choice. Sure, of course a kid will choose a sexuality that will get him/her bullied in school and discriminated against or even beaten. Just for fun. /s
Load More Replies... I just wanna say the girl with the pink/purple/blue/green dyed hair in the pic looks AMAZING. 😍
Ikr? I wanna dye my hair like that soon
Load More Replies... She actually thinks son's rainbow hair would "make her sons "turn gay!" Yes, she's a big-time homophobic. Nobody "turns gay!" It's none of her business what color his hair is. And then she's going to "kick the son out" of the BBQ OP is hosting. No apology is deserved for her! I'm surprised the first husband put up with her as long as he did!!! (I'd love it if turned out that she cheated with a woman!) LOL!!
Re Scruff the wonderless dog: Zoologists are discovering that homosexual and bisexual activity is not unknown within the animal kingdom. Baboons, bison, bonobos, brown bear, brown rats, guinea pigs, caribou, domestic cats and cattle, chimpanzees, common dolphins, common marmosets, dogs, elephants, foxes, giraffes, goats, horses, koalas, lions, orca, pandas, raccoons have all been observed to display same-sex behaviors. That's just the mammals.
Load More Replies... Note to self: wait until I'm in college to come out as bi, because then I'll have people to defend me.
Be sure to stay safe until then, because this reads like your current environment is potentially hostile.
Load More Replies... Off topic, but it's sweet that he still makes a good faith effort to respect his wife's wishes regarding parenting
Your sister is obviously sexist and gender bias, which are both as bad as homophobic IMO. Conservatives have a bad habit (not all of them) of calling everything that doesnt fit into their tiny box as sin... no matter what it is, while wallowing in their own hypocracy (being the cause of divorce is a greater sin than hair color for most conservatives I know).
Oh, and there's a big difference between "conservative" and "homophobic". There are plenty of conservatives who aren't a-holes, and we need to acknowledge that and stop conflating the two terms.
In Canada, there are fiscal conservatives who have no issue with LGBTQ+ rights.
Load More Replies... Well done to this dad for standing by his son and defending him. I wish more kids had the privilege of knowing their parents have got their backs (obviously within reason, not letting them get away with it if they actually did something wrong).
Funny as hell. I love your son. Plus b***h sister is cutting herself off - I'm not seeing a downside here.
Excuse me the aunt is hella messed up??? Thinks her nephew will turn her kids gay wtf??? You don’t TURN gay. You just are.
The son should write a short note to the aunt apologizing ONLY for saying what he did, that he knows it was hurtful, but that he was also deeply hurt by what she said. Then the OP should add to the note, telling her he will never forget how she spoke to his son & judged both of them, in their home, in front of family, and that until she is willing to apologize to both of them, she is no longer welcome in their home. OP & his son can be civil & tolerate her at other family gatherings, but she won't be invited to their house.
. Sometimes we do things that are wrong as a response to being wrong. Son should apologize for WHAT he said. NOT for defending himself against her hemophilia. She should apologize also, but won't, and this is a good life lesson for son.
I mean, as a vampire myself, it is within his right to fight off her hemophilia. Don't suck others' blood without their consent!
Load More Replies... The sister sounds just awful. 100% not ok to talk to the kid that way. I do think the kid could have handled it better though. It was a nasty thing to say, which doesn't make him much better. Whether her husband left her for a man, a woman, a unicorn, doesn't matter. He intentionally hurt her in a way that he knew would be devastating. I am queer and have been in similar situations as this kid. However, I've also left a spouse because they cheated on me and know how that can rock you to your core. I'm not defending the sister at all. Just saying that was a dirty card for the kid to have played.
Yeah, the problem with low-blow insults is that they create sympathy for the homophobe, as happened in this case. The family is offering sympathy to the homophobic sister and telling the dad and son to apologize, so the boy's tactics failed to advance the cause. Dad should have a chat with sonny about effective and ineffective ways to stand up to racists and homophobes.
Load More Replies... of course the sister is the ashhole, though the son maybe hit below the belt. Having said that, some of these AITA posts... "I stopped my car to save 50 children who were being trafficked and i'm pretty sure that i did the right thing, but i know that it held up other people and made them late for work, so AITA?" Some of these people don't seem like they are genuinely asking for judgement, but more for a pat on the back.
So very true. Although I do think this guy might have been genuinely conflicted.
Load More Replies... NTA son shouldn't apologise. I am curious though, did the cousins turn gay? Pretty sure that is how it works right?
I'm sorry. People are saying that, although the sister displayed her homophobia, the son was wrong in saying something so hurtful...BS. There is the old saying of "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks." That totally applies here. She was taking his personal lifestyle and telling him it was wrong in front of everyone. He called her out on the fact that her life is not as pure as the driven snow. If you don't want to be judged for the way you live your life, then keep your own judgements to yourself.
My SIL tried to make me punish my 7 year old because she tried to hug him and he wasn't feeling it. Just shouted "don't touch me". She said "You need to say please when you ask your elders to do something" I responded back before he could apologize and said you touched him without permission, you will never even imply to my kids that their body isn't their domain. You owe him the apology for assuming it was ok. She doesn't like me anymore
I would make it worse, and tell her that she made the Ex Gay because she is carrying the gay virus and spreading gayness to everyone she touches.
The homophobic sister with the martyr complex is clearly the a*****e, and the son's response to her was an absolute mic drop. He's clearly a great kid and she's a bitter hag.
What does her supporting you have anything to do with it? Death and grieving vs separation for reasons and harassment are two very different things even though at the core or base of it is the loss of a significant other. With what she said to him I consider this a clean blow.
I was set against my daughter dying her hair, but as a wise mom told me to let it happen, let her get it out of her system before she gets to high school or beyond to get a better job. As it is only hair, it grows out, the fad or in this case , a cause to draw support for will run it's course and be done. By making it a BIG deal, is where the younger children could be influnced, not the colors themselves.
Sorry man, the only thing you did wrong is tip-toeing around mentally challenged and potentially dangerous people, instead of getting them help.
The son might go to his aunt and tell her while he won't apologize for standing up for himself, he apologizes for the way he stood up for himself.
Those saying the teen struck a 'low blow"? Bump that noise. She DRAGGED him " low". He acted like she acted, in RE-action. Abuse is abuse. She should grow up, mentally and emotionally, and realize she's not the boss of the world.
When I was a kid I saw someone with pink hair and that's why I'm bisexual
If I had children and someone said something like that to them, I would totally let my kids kick their asses.
I'm not sure what was so bad about what the son said. If it had come out of nowhere, maybe, but she was clearly being homophobic and he implied that her ex-husband is much happier now. Which, tbh, if she was getting them in debt and cheating on him, he'd be much happier regardless of the gender of his partner. I'd be proud of the kid if he was mine.
Kudos to the kid for his brilliant and piercing response to his aunt. It was true and to the point...point, set, and win
She needs to learn appropriate boundaries if she wants to be included in your life, not the other way around.
I would say since he feels guilty have him apologise for bringing up her divorce. Maybe have him say something like I lashed out because your words were offensive and hurtful but that doesn't make it right for me to hurt you back. However, make it very clear to the sister that he is not being punished, that the apology is purely because HE feels he went too far, and that she is absolutely not forgiven by either of you until she accepts that her words and actions were wrong. If the kid didn't feel bad about it I certainly wouldn't be making him apologise - she started it and he sure as hell finished it. But he knows he didn't mean to hurt her as much as he did and he feels bad about it. It's perfectly fine to apologise for the unintended consequences of your actions without admitting your actions were, themselves, unwarranted.
NTA, your sisters the AH. Don’t let her behavior go unchecked. She needs to learn that people are not gonna tolerate her hateful opinions nor should they ever have to. She needs a reality check.
The teenager could clear his conscious by writing a letter to the aunt explaining why his hair was dyed the way it was, and that colored hair doesn't make people gay, but also expressing his regret for resorting to the personal attack instead of explaining himself to her in person. He could then suggest that she attempt to communicate in ways that allow for dialogue in the future. That puts the ball in her court in regards to behavioral expectations, and in a way that I'm sure will leave her feeling appropriately chastised by a teenager who is somehow more mature than her.
if hair with those colours turns her sons gay or bi then i got news for her it wasn't the hair that did it
I worry about the kids being raised by a vicious homophobe who appears to feel entitled to spew her hatred at anyone. That's what the whole family should be concerned about at this point, not her butt hurt. As for the son who was insulted, I would ask him to consider how he might have stood up for himself without being unkind. Not because the aunt deserves kindness, but because it's important for a 16 year old to know how to argue and disagree without necessarily attacking the other person, just as a life lesson.
I agree that the son had every right to clap back at his aunt. Maybe use different ammunition then her divorce though. That seems a bit too personal. She does sound outright homophobic though. Dad needs to sit her down and tell her that she shouldn't say things like that in front of his kids or else they might learn hatred and how his kid was showing another person love to combat hatred. How that's a good thing. It'll probably do nothing but a lot of hatred is ignorance. Maybe eventually she'll change.
Yes your sister was well and truly out of line, and it sounds like she may need grief counseling. Her comments and from what you say attitude in general is intolerant to difference. Your son says he felt guilty for what he said, that is a sign of maturity and I would encourage him to apologize for the words he used but not for dying his hair. Remember not standing up to your own mistakes will help make you intolerant in mistakes in others... we are all human and all make stuff ups
Guuuuurrrrllllllll, you had better sit down all the way in the back three counties over. He is not yours. It is not your business. No one asked your opinion and no one cares what you think. I'm the type that I would go do my hair the same exact way just to piss her off even more. She needs some help. My son's hair is Ronald McDonald red right now. I don't like it but it's hair color. Who cares? One day he'll look back and talk about how dumb he looked but he'll also remember that I supported and respected him enough to allow him to make the decision. I, too, bought the color for his hair. Life is full of battles. We do not have to choose to fight them all. Hair color is not a battle I choose to fight. There is so much else I could be dealing with having a 19 year old in today's times. Hair color is nothing and, for that, I'm very grateful. I hope this boy keeps his hair however he wants it. The aunt needs to zip it and go to some trauma therapy. Seems like she truly needs it.
Her not talking to you sounds like a great benefit from this whole situation!
NTA. My aunt has said homophobic things around me (not knowing that I'm bi), even though I wouldn't necessarily consider her homophobic (she doesn't approve of being LGBTQ+, but she would never treat someone differently because of it). It feels horrible, like being hollowed out inside. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like with someone being so outright homophobic.
I figured out what happened to the sister here. She read Gen 30:39 where animals get stripes from observations, so she figures that kids seeing mermaid hair will be like omg i totally want to be mermaidy now. Gen 30:39: "they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted."
She shouldn't approach him like that, but I agree he shouldn't talk to her like that just out of respect, I think. In the end he's feeling guilty and she's playing victim, nobody won. Wave it off, don't feel guilty being an a-hole just because someone else is. Not worth it for your own good, you're better than that.
Like the Kids React vid on the IR Cheerios commercial, this gives me hope for the next generation.
So the son felt it was okay to support a bisexual girl at school, but chose to overlook the fact that his aunt had been hurt emotionally by her husband who left her for another man. I'm not saying what she did was right, but they also didn't try to be understanding of her emotional pain. Sometimes people lash out because they are in pain. Understanding and calm conversation on both sides could have deescalated the situation and saved everyone an unneeded issue. And before someone calls me a homophobe, I have two family members who are gay, and I have three good friends who are also gay.
Though he might have taken it too far, he admitted to feeling guilty afterwards, so he is aware that he was not completely in the right.
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