Honesty isn’t always the best policy, even in long-term relationships and in marriage. How you say something, how you phrase your opinion is just as (and arguably even more) important than what you’re trying to communicate. The truth can hurt and opinions can sting if you think diplomacy is a blunt instrument.
Internet users have been compiling a huge list of all the things that husbands should never (ever, ever, ever) tell their wives over on the r/AskReddit subreddit. The thread had nearly 6k comments and over 14k upvotes at the time of writing, and it’s all the proof you need that blurting out whatever’s on our mind doesn’t always bring about the best results.
Have a read through some of the best entries in the thread, upvote the comments that you absolutely agree shouldn’t leave a guy’s mouth, and let us know what you think is essential when it comes to communication in relationships in the comments.
My dad, who doesn’t bake anything and barely cooks at all, while eating a slice of my mom’s homemade apple pie:
“You don’t cut the apples right.”
And that was the last apple pie she ever made for him. Around 40 years ago.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, maybe ten-eleven weeks and really wacky hormonal, my ex suddenly looked up and said,
"I know! If the baby is a girl we should make it Stephanie after my one true love."
My name is 100% not Stephanie.
At dinner with my parents last night, my husband said "it was so annoying when you kept throwing up when you were pregnant."
I threw up 3x a day for 20 weeks. I'm sorry it inconvenienced him so much
Earlier, I spoke with relationship and self-love coach Alex Scot about honesty, trust, and how we can distinguish between secrecy and privacy. According to Alex, it’s best to be completely honest with your loved one if the information affects them directly. We should do our best to imagine ourselves in their shoes and think about what we’d prefer, the truth or lies, in their position.
"If it can affect your partner or family, there absolutely should be transparency. Whenever in doubt, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself what you would like if you were in their situation," Alex told Bored Panda.
I didn't get to try my mother's lasagna till I was twenty years old. Why? My father, in a temporary bout of insanity, whilst eating my mother's home made said to her "this is really good lasagna, but you know who makes REALLY good lasagna? My ex wife."
Wasn’t my husband, but an ex of mine once told me “I see why your ex abused you” when I was suffering from mental health issues.
I was modeling some new lingerie for my ex husband and asked “Do you like what you see?” In a flirty come get it kind of way. He looked up from his phone, gave me a once over and said “I’d like you to lose some weight”.
"If it wouldn’t impact them, then you have the option of keeping it to yourself. The difference between privacy and secrecy is that secrecy has a sense of shame, guilt, or knowing that your partner or family member wouldn’t be ok with whatever took place."
According to Alex, rebuilding trust takes time and effort and is a real challenge. The bigger the loss of trust, the longer it will take for someone to start believing you and feeling safe around you again.
Never tell your partner they did something badly if they do something to be good to you.
If they cleaned the apartment on their day off but there was still sand on the rug in the hallway, dont point out the sand and say they missed a spot or that they did it badly.
Say that it was fantastic and you really love it, then you can say "ohh i think i pulled some sand in with me, i'll just go and dust this hallway mat" Next time when they do it they will remember the hallway mat too.
Dont criticize your partner when they are trying to make you happy, they wont do it perfectly the first time around that is ok. If you criticize your partner when they are trying to make you happy, they will stop doing it. If you tell them it was fantastic, that you loved it, they will put more effort into it because its worth it to them, because it makes you happy.
You should also tell your partner how to train you the same way, so you become someone that makes your partner happy.
I was only 23 at the time, but I once told my now ex-wife that her cooking will “never be as good as my moms, no offense though” and boy, that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever said in my life. Like, wtf was I even thinking lol
That she’s only upset because she’s PMSing. My husband knows my cycle better than I do (which isn’t saying much because I really pay no attention), and I swear he just expects me to get bitchy, so anytime I get irritated in that window of time, he acts like I’m not to be taken seriously.
For the record, I do get PMS—not severely, but I recognize when I’m getting irrationally bitchy, because I feel like I just WANT to be mad. So when I make a reasonable complaint from a rational place and it gets attributed to PMS, it’s infuriating. Like, it’s reasonable for me to get mad that you walked past a heap of cat puke 10 times today but waited for me to get home to clean it up!
“For smaller offenses, it will take less time, but for larger offenses, be prepared to be overly transparent for a time and hire a therapist or coach to walk you through the process. Trust takes consistency to rebuild and consistency equals effort over time."
Not my husband, but an ex boyfriend.
I dressed up for a dinner out, feeling super cute in my new dress. So I come up to him, smiley face and all.
I didn't even asked him how I looked. Did not intend to. He just said, with a disapointed face and a lil disgusted tone:
"You really wanna know what I think about your outfit?"
He's the ex for many reasons, but this one still makes me angry when I think of it.
“I liked your body better before you had kids” Yeah me too.
I once heard my stepdad say (my mom was standing right beside him) that his ex wife was a 10 in looks but a 4 in personality, but that my mom was a 4 in looks, but a 10 in personality. He thought it was a compliment. Aaaaand he still hasn't lived it down, but his story has changed over time. My mom is now a 7 in looks lmao
My wife was complaining that there was no food, said she was starving. There was, she's just picky. It got on my nerves a bit and I said..
"Well you don't look like your starving"
Don't ever say that
My husband once said “I married my mother”, and I’m still plotting his death.
You look better with less weight! You were more relaxed before we had kids. We have 3 kids 5 and under, the eldest most likely has ASD, sensory processing disorder, ADHD and still doesn't sleep. Sorry I'm not as carefree as before.
Until you know how she feels about how something looks, don’t comment.
My mum bought a dress I thought she looked really good in, she liked it too. She tried it on in front of my dad and he said he didn’t like it. All the happiness drained from her face, she got changed, handed me the dress and said it was mine now. I tried to convince her how nice she looked but nothing changed her mind, a back handed comment from dad (I don’t even think he really looked) changed her whole perspective
This is to everyone with a significant other that is a female. Saying things like “calm down” “you’re being crazy right now” or “it’s not that big of a deal” is a sure fire way to get us angry, it feels almost hard wired.
Don't tell them an ex's gift (or an ex's anything for that matter) was better than yours.
At my partner's last birthday dinner him mom asked what the best gift he'd ever gotten was. He immediately said "oh insert ex gf name who I was with for a really long time got me these awesome custom Marvel Vans like five years ago! I don't think anything has topped that." and he gushed about it for a good five minutes. It absolutely hurt cause I had just bought him a really expensive gift I knew he'd been wanting for a while. So yeah don't do that.
An ex once told me he loved me almost as much as the ex that broke his heart. He continued to update me as I got closer to “that mark” and finally once I surpassed that mark. I was young and naïve and he was my first bf. I dumped him, am married now, and I think he’s still sulking around wondering why nobody falls for him.
Don't ever bring up how attractive she was before kids.
This guy I worked with would say that all the time. Holy shit don't say stuff like that. Do you want to get murdered in your sleep for being an insufferable dickhead?
Never tell your wife something designed to hurt her out of anger. You live with her and know what will hurt her the most, don’t weaponize it.
Never say something that implies you find someone else more attractive. Some relationships you can acknowledge someone else is good looking. Some you can’t. But either way, your words should never state or openly imply someone else is MORE attractive.
Never talk harshly about the people she’s close to. You can carefully express annoyance about her friends or family, but don’t be petty or hateful towards them directly or in her presence.
Never blame her mood on her period. A woman’s mood may be exaggerated (sometimes a lot) by hormones, but the feelings are very much real and any implication that it’s all about her period is dismissive.
Dad was drunk one night when i was 16 and said to mum that she was a fat fucking cow and wished she didn't get that surgery as it made her who she is today. She had breast cancer and had to have surgery to get rid of it, she had a tissue expansion which made her d's become e's for a period of time and dad hated it.
“Trust me woman, I know what I’m talking about. I’m 100% positive on this.”
Welp, 5 minutes later after a Google search she showed me, with a mischievous smile, I was in fact, wrong. Fuck.
My ex boyfriend told me he was "glad my boobs weren't any smaller than they already were" and that my boobs were "too far apart". Cue the complex about my boobs I never had before that comment
Wow your sister maintained her figure really well after their kid was born.
First time I ever tried shepherds pie made by my mum was a few days ago when I (33) was visiting for dinner. Why do you ask? He told her just after they were married (a man who can’t cook mind you) that it’s not the way his mum makes it.
It was so damned delicious too!!!!
"I like more athletic looking women" like an Allison Stokke type.
I work full time, I'm in college full time, and I take care of our daughter most of the time. I don't have time for the gym and I don't look that terrible. I'm 5'7 135lbs with a little tummy squish bfd
Probably shouldn't tell her that since he was unable to get the person he was most attracted to, he got you instead.
That leaves a pretty lasting impression.
Once had a partner tell me that I "Have a forehead you could lay a mattress on" I used to style my hair with a part down the middle, but after that I made sure to get bangs and am super obsessive about moving my hair to cover my forehead. I was bullied a lot in school, so I had a lot of self consciousness about other bits of my appearance, but the forehead thing was news to me at the time.
We had a baby two weeks ago.
The night after labor, while sitting with our boy. I told her I'm tired.
Should not have said that. I apologize.
My bf went to jail for a few months some years back. I was hella depressed when he was gone, and self medicated with food and alcohol. I would visit him every Sunday with his mom. When he got out, he got drunk one night and told me. “Every week when you came to visit, I always though….man she’s getting bigger!” Didn’t need to know that.
My ex boyfriend used to repeat every day that I was way prettier when we met.