Woman Shares What Happens To Praised ‘Smart Kids’ When They Grow Up, And It’s Hard To Argue
Many of us deal with feelings of failure and inadequacy every now and then, after all, it’s part of the great struggle called life. However, those emotions often haunt those, who grew up constantly being called ‘smart’ and ‘talented’, when praise was handed out by parents, teachers and other influential figures in their lives, for being naturally good at something, not for working hard to achieve it. And that eventually gets a growing individual hooked on external validation as they slowly start to base their personality on it. Unfortunately, as one grows, the praise becomes less frequent, leading to feeling inadequate.
A couple of weeks ago, author Valerie Valdes brought up this issue in a Twitter thread, detailing the process and where it can lead an individual. “My friends and family struggle with the feelings I mentioned–so do I, of course–and I wanted to help if I could” Valerie told Bored Panda. She also shared her thoughts on “tools” to deal with the problem. “When it comes to mental health, it’s hard to not only identify a problem in a way that resonates with people, but also to find methods for coping, and I tried to provide both” she said. Scroll down below to read the full thread and don’t forget to share your own thoughts in the comments!
More info: Twitter
Valerie Valdes is an author from Miami who started a thread discussing the issue of being called a “smart kid” growing up
“My friends and family struggle with the feelings I mentioned–so do I” she told Bored Panda
People were quick to share their own feelings
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I was also one of the "smart" kids, getting high grades, praised by teachers, expected to achieve so much later in life. Yet I never had a job I liked/wanted, my bank account hovers precariously low and I hang towards the bottom of the social ladder. I do feel like a failure. I did not fail my whole life as I have found the love of my life and we have amazing kids, but as a person, I crashed and burned instead of rising high. The praise in my youth only increased the stress of meeting others' expectations and crushed my self confidence.
I might not be currently working but I win pub quizzes
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"a Twitter thread" Why is it always a "a Twitter thread" and never a facebook or reddit post? The character limit on twitter is ridiculous. If you must use twitter at least write the whole thing out in pastebin and then just post the link.
Ohhh, there are going to be dozens of comments about how she's doing this for attention. I think very few people who go viral were actually seeking that level of attention, they are just talking things out with their social circle. Even if she was hoping this would reach the wider world, her goal was probably just to start a conversation and help other people to feel not alone.
Ironic that she complains about being habituated to expect external validation, and then goes on Twitter to seek... external validation.
When I was younger, I was very smart for my age, so basically my teachers and parents decided to raise their standards forever. Nowadays I'm about average intelligence but they still expect more from me.
To add to this, I feel like I was often considered a "favorite" student by many of my teachers, or the worst student in the class - no in-between. It was creepy.
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Sorry, I confess that I am struggling to feel a lot of sympathy. I was always told by my mother that i was really thick. I was lonely and always scared in school. Bullied. Didn't have anywhere to study at home either. So didn't try - too thick so what is the point, right? I feel all the same anxiety and concerns that she mentions. Yet, NOW people are telling me I am smart. Took some tests and the results backed these people up. Left me reeling. If only I hadn't felt so utterly downtrodden before.
There have been numerous studies about the value of praising behavior over attributes. "You did well on a test" rather than "you are super smart".... the studies I have read are also far less painful than reading this post.
I'm not sure if it necessarily helps... My parents always praised me on my achievements rather than attributes, but they always expected the very best of me, and as an adult I've realized that left me with a huge anxiety about making mistakes. I take every task super seriously, give it my all and expect the best of myself, which can be very useful in some areas, but rather paralyzing and even self-destructive in others. It's been hard to realize that failure is not the end of the world. However, I don't blame anyone for this. Everyone has their own struggles and we just have to learn how to walk our own path.
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113 steps?!! My magic book tells you how in just 112. So send me your ducats and you too can achieve nirvana!
Ive really been struggling at adulthood and I think this is a big part of why for me. :/ These suggestions and not being alone in feeling this way def help! :)
In my case it was worse and deliberate. My parents always gave the impression I was given to them as a task by someone else. So for them "smart" was just a cold alibi for not making another compliment or giving any other form of empowerment; and even so, their "smart" sounded not only cold, but a bit derisive - so much that towards my maturity my family was totally engaged to prove me that in fact they are also smarter (they were anyway "better" in all the other ways). As for the smart people not having other skills, this can also be made with intention: in private (family) you are ashamed when you want to learn then humiliated when you don't know while in public (school, friends) you are mysteriously skipped, while your dumber but more useful peers are properly trained. Iin my case is not perception, lack of confidence or disparage - I suffer from physical effects of intended actions and I can recover only in case of a total reset of my life.
Thank you Valerie. I felt like an imposter in college and caused myself tons of angst. I attended college when I was in my thirties as a single mom with three kids. I did fine in school but always avoided math due to some horrible experiences with my algebra teacher. I fell in love with math and became a math teacher....but I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough. Well, I'm retired now and substitute teach. I use cognitive therapy to get through the negative thoughts and feelings (redirect my thoughts) and realize I too have been addicted to praise. I worry about my grandson (3 yrs old) who is already labeled gifted by his pediatrician. Being smart is okay - but it sure isn't everything and doesn't really mean everything will be sunshine and roses. Thank you for sharing. Love and Light.
If I had to say which piece of advice would be hardest for me to follow, it would probably be being able to break it down and not necessarily finish. I'm smart and know stuff, but a slow worker, especially in a middle or high school environment filled with distractions. So I feel awful when I don't finish a piece of homework. I was sometimes half an inch away from losing my sanity. It was the WORST. I guess now I can hope that my classes next year are easier on workload (probably not), or try to accept that I can't get everything done all the time. Also talk to my teachers. If I hadn't talked to the teacher, who was able to spare me just enough, I probably would have crossed that line.
"I'm sure that ten years ago, I was a reasonably smart girl. But I suppose, as a result, it just gave rise to foolish pride deep down, the notion that I didn't need to mature any further." -from Sugaru Miaki's novel, "Three Days of Happiness"
Just looks like another post of someone trying to blame something else other than their own s****y motivational levels and no desire to keep being smart.
Ummm what. She speaks only for herself; nothing she says resonates with me. I'm going into grade 11 in September and yeah high school IS way different than middle school. In middle school I just coasted through, rarely ever having homework and still getting good marks. People did tell me I'm smart. And some still do. But I don't need their words for validation; after all, it's my life, my path, not theirs. I know what I want to accomplish and how to get there. Sure, sometimes I'm hard on myself and think "that mark isn't good enough", but I take every opportunity I get to improve and keep trying on every assignment. I don't care if people think I'm smart or not, I only care about reaching my goals
With due respect, Cat Person, she's talking about the pressures one faces after graduating.
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Her advice seems pretty general for anyone who feels they're not doing too well. I don't see why it is aimed at those who feel they were praised too much as a child.
THIS!!! THIS is exactly HOW there are SO many freakin fragile-a*s snowflakes!!! And what?? We are going to fix it by CONTINUING TO TREAT THEM LIKE A SNOWFLAKE??!! You are in the REAL grown-up world now kids!! Put your ADULT pants on and freakin toughen up!! Believe it or not...people have had to become adults BEFORE YOU!!! Thats right!!! Everyone has gone thru this and SURVIVED without constant pats on the back OR crying closets!!!
I was also one of the "smart" kids, getting high grades, praised by teachers, expected to achieve so much later in life. Yet I never had a job I liked/wanted, my bank account hovers precariously low and I hang towards the bottom of the social ladder. I do feel like a failure. I did not fail my whole life as I have found the love of my life and we have amazing kids, but as a person, I crashed and burned instead of rising high. The praise in my youth only increased the stress of meeting others' expectations and crushed my self confidence.
I might not be currently working but I win pub quizzes
Load More Replies... "a Twitter thread" Why is it always a "a Twitter thread" and never a facebook or reddit post? The character limit on twitter is ridiculous. If you must use twitter at least write the whole thing out in pastebin and then just post the link.
Ohhh, there are going to be dozens of comments about how she's doing this for attention. I think very few people who go viral were actually seeking that level of attention, they are just talking things out with their social circle. Even if she was hoping this would reach the wider world, her goal was probably just to start a conversation and help other people to feel not alone.
Ironic that she complains about being habituated to expect external validation, and then goes on Twitter to seek... external validation.
When I was younger, I was very smart for my age, so basically my teachers and parents decided to raise their standards forever. Nowadays I'm about average intelligence but they still expect more from me.
To add to this, I feel like I was often considered a "favorite" student by many of my teachers, or the worst student in the class - no in-between. It was creepy.
Load More Replies... Sorry, I confess that I am struggling to feel a lot of sympathy. I was always told by my mother that i was really thick. I was lonely and always scared in school. Bullied. Didn't have anywhere to study at home either. So didn't try - too thick so what is the point, right? I feel all the same anxiety and concerns that she mentions. Yet, NOW people are telling me I am smart. Took some tests and the results backed these people up. Left me reeling. If only I hadn't felt so utterly downtrodden before.
There have been numerous studies about the value of praising behavior over attributes. "You did well on a test" rather than "you are super smart".... the studies I have read are also far less painful than reading this post.
I'm not sure if it necessarily helps... My parents always praised me on my achievements rather than attributes, but they always expected the very best of me, and as an adult I've realized that left me with a huge anxiety about making mistakes. I take every task super seriously, give it my all and expect the best of myself, which can be very useful in some areas, but rather paralyzing and even self-destructive in others. It's been hard to realize that failure is not the end of the world. However, I don't blame anyone for this. Everyone has their own struggles and we just have to learn how to walk our own path.
Load More Replies... 113 steps?!! My magic book tells you how in just 112. So send me your ducats and you too can achieve nirvana!
Ive really been struggling at adulthood and I think this is a big part of why for me. :/ These suggestions and not being alone in feeling this way def help! :)
In my case it was worse and deliberate. My parents always gave the impression I was given to them as a task by someone else. So for them "smart" was just a cold alibi for not making another compliment or giving any other form of empowerment; and even so, their "smart" sounded not only cold, but a bit derisive - so much that towards my maturity my family was totally engaged to prove me that in fact they are also smarter (they were anyway "better" in all the other ways). As for the smart people not having other skills, this can also be made with intention: in private (family) you are ashamed when you want to learn then humiliated when you don't know while in public (school, friends) you are mysteriously skipped, while your dumber but more useful peers are properly trained. Iin my case is not perception, lack of confidence or disparage - I suffer from physical effects of intended actions and I can recover only in case of a total reset of my life.
Thank you Valerie. I felt like an imposter in college and caused myself tons of angst. I attended college when I was in my thirties as a single mom with three kids. I did fine in school but always avoided math due to some horrible experiences with my algebra teacher. I fell in love with math and became a math teacher....but I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough. Well, I'm retired now and substitute teach. I use cognitive therapy to get through the negative thoughts and feelings (redirect my thoughts) and realize I too have been addicted to praise. I worry about my grandson (3 yrs old) who is already labeled gifted by his pediatrician. Being smart is okay - but it sure isn't everything and doesn't really mean everything will be sunshine and roses. Thank you for sharing. Love and Light.
If I had to say which piece of advice would be hardest for me to follow, it would probably be being able to break it down and not necessarily finish. I'm smart and know stuff, but a slow worker, especially in a middle or high school environment filled with distractions. So I feel awful when I don't finish a piece of homework. I was sometimes half an inch away from losing my sanity. It was the WORST. I guess now I can hope that my classes next year are easier on workload (probably not), or try to accept that I can't get everything done all the time. Also talk to my teachers. If I hadn't talked to the teacher, who was able to spare me just enough, I probably would have crossed that line.
"I'm sure that ten years ago, I was a reasonably smart girl. But I suppose, as a result, it just gave rise to foolish pride deep down, the notion that I didn't need to mature any further." -from Sugaru Miaki's novel, "Three Days of Happiness"
Just looks like another post of someone trying to blame something else other than their own s****y motivational levels and no desire to keep being smart.
Ummm what. She speaks only for herself; nothing she says resonates with me. I'm going into grade 11 in September and yeah high school IS way different than middle school. In middle school I just coasted through, rarely ever having homework and still getting good marks. People did tell me I'm smart. And some still do. But I don't need their words for validation; after all, it's my life, my path, not theirs. I know what I want to accomplish and how to get there. Sure, sometimes I'm hard on myself and think "that mark isn't good enough", but I take every opportunity I get to improve and keep trying on every assignment. I don't care if people think I'm smart or not, I only care about reaching my goals
With due respect, Cat Person, she's talking about the pressures one faces after graduating.
Load More Replies... Her advice seems pretty general for anyone who feels they're not doing too well. I don't see why it is aimed at those who feel they were praised too much as a child.
THIS!!! THIS is exactly HOW there are SO many freakin fragile-a*s snowflakes!!! And what?? We are going to fix it by CONTINUING TO TREAT THEM LIKE A SNOWFLAKE??!! You are in the REAL grown-up world now kids!! Put your ADULT pants on and freakin toughen up!! Believe it or not...people have had to become adults BEFORE YOU!!! Thats right!!! Everyone has gone thru this and SURVIVED without constant pats on the back OR crying closets!!!
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