Woman Divorces Her Husband Because He Suddenly Has A Child, Gets Called The Jerk
Family matters are always difficult. Where the destinies and desires of at least two people are intertwined, some problem can arise at any time. And when there are three of these people, and one of them is a child, it becomes even more difficult.
In fact, any position is worthy of respect – both childfree and those who can not imagine a family without kids. But, unfortunately, life sometimes presents such plot twists when a person faces a choice – and this is incredibly hard.
For example, the sister of the author of this post in the AITA Reddit community faced such a problem. The post gained over 7.1K upvotes and almost 3K different comments. The Original Poster wanted to know if she did the right thing in an argument with her sister – and this is how everything happened.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster’s sister and her husband decided to stay childfree
Image source: Virginia State Parks (not the actual photo)
The OP’s sister is 30 years old and she has been married for several years. She and her husband love each other, both have good jobs, live in a nice house and travel a lot. Right before the wedding, both decided that they would be childfree, and did not change this rule. But life, as it often happens, has made its own adjustments…
Image source: Pomelo_764
It suddenly turned out that the husband, in fact, has a son from one of his former casual acquaintances
About a year ago, it turned out that the husband has a son. By the way, the man himself had no idea about this either. It turned out that about six years earlier, one of his casual acquaintances had become pregnant, but decided not to tell him about the child. The woman raised her son herself; however, unfortunately, she passed away, and her mother had health problems so she couldn’t take custody.
Image source: Pomelo_764
As a result, the boy went to live with his father and his wife. The OP admits that the child is just amazing, and everyone in their family loves him. However, about a month ago, like a bolt from the blue, the OP’s sister announced that she was going to file for divorce.
Image source: Pomelo_764
One day the woman announced that she is fed up being a stepmom and is filing for divorce
It turned out that a year as a stepmother was a real torment for the woman. She didn’t feel ready for this, not for not being able to watch adult shows anytime now, not for helping her stepson with his homework. According to the woman’s own words, she still loves her husband, but does not want to live like this anymore.
Everyone was shocked – the husband, relatives and, of course, the kid. Moreover, the woman, upon leaving, also took her dog, which the boy loved very much. The OP herself admits that she has her own children, so she felt very sorry for the boy. As a result, during one family meeting, the OP could not help but talk to her sister.
Image source: Doug Clow (not the actual photo)
The OP talked to her sister and told her that in her own opinion, she made the wrong choice
According to the OP, she said that her sister was making a mistake, and she could still try to improve relations in her family. Unfortunately, as she admits, the sister took it as criticism, and has since refused to communicate with her. Relatives basically took the OP’s side, and their mother was extremely upset – both from the current situation and from the quarrel between her daughters.
People in the comments supported the OP’s sister almost unanimously
We also must say that the vast majority of people in the comments supported the OP’s sister, claiming that the woman had no right to interfere in someone else’s life at all. If the OP’s sister has previously made a decision for herself to remain childfree, then her decision must be respected. Period.
Many commenters noted that the wife made a very difficult decision for herself – after all, she, in fact, sacrificed her love for the well-being of the boy. Actually, it is far from certain that he will grow up well next to a person who doesn’t want to be a stepmother at all. And that, perhaps, the father will be able to find a woman in the future who will just want to become a good stepmother for his son.
A very ambiguous story, isn’t it? Therefore, we would like to know your opinion on this matter. Any comments, as always, would be welcome.
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That is a very unfortunate sad and very complicated situation. My husband and I are childfree (we are in out late 30s) that was the deal before we even got engaged. I think people have no right to call that her selfish, it is her life and if she wants to spend it childfree-people should respect her choice. She gave motherhood a fair try and she hated it. She did everyone a favor in my opinion, she would hardly make a decent mother and that little boy deserves someone who will love him and give him a very happy childhood.
Yep, seems pretty much everyone agrees. If it was her child, then she has a responsibility. Otherwise, her only responsibility is to make her own life as happy as she can and do what's necessary to achieve that. We get one go at this life.
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Being a step parent is hard enough when it's a choice. She wasn't even given a choice.
and then her sister comes and reads her the riot act, based on her own values and opinions. And sis makes it into a family thing where people takes sides. What a mess. While all it needs is kindness and love and supporting everybody who goed through this painful proces: her, the kid, the husband, maybe even the dog. It's just a very unfortunate situation where people have to be true to themselves.
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Every child deserves to feel wanted and loved. I suffered emotional neglect growing up, because my bio father had no paternal interest in me (but loved his 2 daughters with his 2nd wife); my mother pretty much ignored me in favour of my 2 half brothers she had with my stepfather - who was an abusive asshat towards me. Scarred me forever, and shaped all my relationships.
I feel you in a similar manner. I’m adopted but was only adopted because my mother wanted a sibling for her daughter (their biological child) and she chose ME because she wanted a blue-eyed, blond-haired daughter (she’s Hispanic so she’d never have one biologically). When my mother realized I was not a perfect malleable blob she could make into a frilly-girly perfect daughter (circa age 6) she began to neglect, resent, and abuse me (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally). But her daughter is just like her so she was the perfect child and always got all the attention. My father was amazing and he loved me for me, but he was not a strong person, and my mother abused him too (in all ways), so he never stood up to her to stop her abuse of me OR him. So I feel the “favored child” and “parent doesn’t give a shít” feels. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re feeling at least somewhat better these days.. and I’ll be your stand-in sister to replace your half-siblings! :)
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She needs to read the posts from people who were raised by their parents and/or step-parents who didn't want them and see the damage it did to them. Yes, it hurts now, but spending 10-15 years being raised by somebody who doesn't want you is going to cause lifelong issues.
Good for the sister for leaving now rather than letting the situation continue which would result in an unhappy home. The child will need therapy from his mother dying and then moving in with a stranger who is suddenly dad, with the therapists help he can move on from all three disruptions. She shouldn't be forced into a life she never agreed on, if she had known her husband had a child she probably wouldn't have married him in the first place.
The sister is doing a huge favor on the kid. What if the frustration piles up and she ends up showing resentment and anger? It's not the kid's fault for being born and mom dying so soon. Rather than showing her hatred, she's choosing to walk out. Who wants to give up a loving husband? If it has reached this stage, it means she's burned out to the core. It's not husband's fault either. He didn't know. He doesn't have a choice. He can't abandon his child. She tried parenting and doesn't work out for her. It's a wise decision. She's hurting already. OP just added salt and peppers in the wound.
I'm curious, what would be if he'd rather stick with her and give up the child? Just hypothetical, would he be TA then, or her? Or would it still be viewed the same?
He'd be the a-hole if he could raise the child and chose not to because as a parent he is responsible for that child (she is not a parent). If she gave him a 'the child or me' ultimatum she'd be an a-hole. It doesn't appear that either of them did this, it sounds like they are making the best decisions considering the circumstances.
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People have to stop trying to force others to be parents. It's damaging to adults, and the child. I recently discovered some damaging secrets about my own parents, and it explains a lot about the dysfunction in family, growing up. A resentful person, who feels forced into Parenthood will make everything worse, and in some cases, dangerous. People don't need to share DNA to support each other, so if you feel so strongly about someone else's child, you should step up, rather than trying to force someone else to do it.
Kids are a dealbreaker for me too. You get a lot of grief for that especially as a woman.
It's sad but some people aren't cut out to be parents and to suddenly have a 6 year old can be jarring. She made the decision to have a child free life and shouldn't be forced into being a parent because of her husbands past. So the family needs to back off
Your sister does not have to give up her life for a kid that isn’t hers. The End.
Do people understand marriage anymore? I don’t think so. They should change the vows from death do us part, to “as long as this doesnt get too complicated for me “
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I have nightmares like this. Someone shows up at the door with 2 kids that are my husbands. Thankfully we have been together for 20 years so if little kids show up in real life and they are his then I will definitely leave. I feel so bad for the kid. I hope his awesome new dad gets them a dog and things go well for them. Poor kid already lost his whole world and now when things seem to be looking up, this happens. I hope he gets some counseling to help with the first trauma and this most recent mess.
As has been noted, this is a very sad situation all around. Admitting there are two sides to every story, we've only heard edited comments of the sister's side. What about the child, who speaks for him? I read comments about choice, who decides when we succumb to a serous illness, who decides that parents, friends, relatives grow old and frail and infirm and need help and compassion, who decides when jobs or fortunes or relationships are lost? We may not make the initial decision but a decision to act is thrust upon us, whether or not we "want" it. I believe we are tested at times in our lives. Call it God or fate or the universe or just how it is, but we are tested to the core of our souls. I admit I have failed at times. I congratulate the OP for trying and failing. I wish the OP's sister good luck and happiness with her decisions and her life, I truly do, but the child & father have my heart. I hope a whisper of conscience doesn't evolve into a roar.
Exactly. You marry someone so they can have your back no matter what. It’s one thing if they cheat and have a baby but this is a child he knew nothing about. I doubt she would stay if the guy had a major accident and suddenly depended on her 100%. I always say that many people get married but they shouldn’t because they can’t handle what a marriage truly requires.
Load More Replies... I'm on my 2nd marriage. First one we dated for 3 years and were engaged for another 3 years. She was in a terrible drunk driving accident in college (the other driver hit her) and she had a lot of damage to her hips/legs which prevents her from safely carrying a baby to birth. I never wanted kids. 3 months after the wedding she says she wants to adopt. We were divorced the next month. Now, married for 10 years to my 2nd wife and both agreed prior to marriage, no kids. I'm just not cut out to be a father and I don't want to ruin some poor kids future.
I think that’s different. She’s choosing to do this. But this guy had no idea and the child has no one but him. If you suddenly found out your kid was out there suffering, would you not do anything?
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YTA It's a hard, painful situation. Parenting is a massive commitment, it takes huge amounts of time, energy, and money. Everything in the parents life has to adjust. If you don't want to make that commitment, having someone else's child thrust upon you is a nightmare. It's not about "watching adult shows" and "asking him to do his homework". It's every moment of every day, and every decision and activity being affected. This is not a life she wants, and loving her husband isn't enough. Knowing that neither your sister or BIL expected or wanted this child, have you offered to adopt him? If you don't want to change your whole life to make a home for him, why do you judge your sister for not wanting to devote her life and marriage to this child?
Let's be real. OP's sister is a woman who dares to not be maternal. Of course, she'll be judged. The situation is tragic for the boy, but the sister is not obligated to give up her life to make other people happy. It would be selfish of her to stay around, knowing she resents being a stepmother, instead of leaving and moving on with her life. It's amazing the people who are against the sister don't seem to consider the consequence of the boy being raised by someone who resents him. In short, virtue signaling.
Not everyone wants to be a parent, and it's a choice that people make. Parenting is not for everyone, and no one should be judged harshly for their choice.
NO ONE should be forced to have a child they don't want. It will always end terribly for the child- whether it's because of marriage or pregnancy.
So if a man doesn't want children but his wife gets pregnant he should just leave?
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This not complicated or ambiguous. She tried, realized she couldn’t and didn’t want to be an adequate mother figure, and made the hard decision to leave a loving marriage. She’s not leaving the kid orphaned, and may even be willing/looking forward to visiting her ex and the kid. Sister was just piling on the guilt to try to make her stay and be miserable (and probably f the kid up, since they would know.)
I would have done the same thing. Sorry, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 22 years and the agreement has always been no kids. The circumstances are very difficult and I feel for everyone involved but I don't see why, having a choice, the OP's sister should sacrifice herself beyond already sacrificing her marriage. I'm sure that was a tough choice
There are two rights that need to be protected here. The little boy has the right to be raised by people who will give him all the love he deserves to have. Guide him through life and set him up to thrive. Your sister whose life plan did not include children and should not be forced into it. Otherwise it will compromise her goals, desires and ambitions which she's equally entitled to have. Your sister should not have to pay for mistakes the boys mum made by not planning for times when she was no longer around. I also think you meant well to try and convince your sister to accept this little boy. You will need to respect her wishes and not turn against her because of this. Your sister and BIL will have to make some hard decisions that will clearly leave someone hard broken. Be there for her, its your sis, whichever way this turns out. Just don't judge her as not all women are wired to be mums.
That's right! Just because you are a woman, it doesn't mean you want to be a mom!
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OP expresses concern for the child not having a stepmom, but if stepmom isn't 100% in, he may be better off without. Her misery will be felt even if she tries to keep it to herself. The situation is truly unfortunate for all involved, but that doesn't mean she needs to sacrifice herself to a role she didn't sign up for.
Why do people always have to guilt those who do not want kids? At least these people are standing up and saying no instead of having unwanted kids who grow up f****d up turning out to be serial killers and or rapists. I never hear people being put down for wanting kids. Why should it be ok to when someone does not!
Just because her sister doesn't want the kid doesn't mean OP can't step in and be the best Auntie ever. It sounds like the Dad has no help and it does take a village.
I see no ambiguity in this article. Relationship circumstances change, but I respect anyone who has the personal integrity to be true to themselves and honest with others. I made the decision to remain childless at age five after my first day in kindergarten. Over the years, friends and family have at times questioned my decision, and partners have tried to change my mind AFTER initially agreeing with me. I've ended relationships over this issue in the past. It's now been fifty years since I made that decision and no regrets.
OP Mind your own business. Your sister has every right to choose her lifestyle. I did not want children, but buckled to demands from family. It was a miserable 18 years until my daughter married and left home. I moved out of state as soon as possible following divorce. When grandkids came along, I did not visit until they were adolescents. For those of us who are crystal clear parenting is NOT what we want it should be no one elses business at all. Judgments will pour in, I'm sure, but I believe in the philosophy "To thine own self be true"
The fact that op clearly discussed this with mom and dad before the sister is the worst part. She skewed their perspective by trying to persuade them to her opinion, which isn't important
Nobody is an A..! You care for this child obviously, but nothing is stopping You, Your husband, and children from being a friend to this man and his son even after he stops being your BIL... Your sister should not be forced into being a mother; children know if you do not want them. Apologize...the choice your sister made was clearly the wisest, toughest and most unselfish one. Everyone knows dating over 30 for women is a nightmare.
This is one of those situations that will hurt the child no matter what. The stepmother stays she'll probably end up hating the kid for no reason at all, the stepmother leaves the kid will most likely go his entire life wondering if anyone truly loves him after loosing his mother, grandmother, and having his new mother figure walk out. The bond between a mother/mother like figure and a son is a lot stronger than anyone truly admits, and loosing this even while still having a full family such as a father, aunts, and uncles, will hurt that child.
Yup, it's the wife's right to leave. But that doesn't mean e eryone else has to see her as anything but cruel, heartless and incredibly selfish. I don't care about having kids strongly one way or the other and that's ABSOLUTELY how I see her. The kid lost their mom young, the only family he knows can't or won't take him, he gets shipped off to a guy he doesn't know being told he's his dad who never knew he existed. It's gonna take more than a year to get to any kind of a good place after that. She's dipping on her husband when he needs her most because she can't watch adult television? Jesus Christ this woman is a peice of work. This isn't even her husband's fault; he had no idea the kid existed and he's doing the RIGHT thing and making sure this kid doesn't grow up in the foster care system. Honestly I wouldn't want to speak to that woman again. People who won't step up as a partner or a decent person are the worst.
No, judgemental people like you are the worst. I was in a very similar situation to this one. My sister in law moved in with my wife and I, with her 3 year old with serious behavior problems. Within a month the SIL left but our niece stayed (was supposed to be for a short time... it wasn't). Let me tell you that first year was Hell, the 2nd not much better. We had the advantage of being together much longer already, and potentially wanting kids, and made it work. In the post the woman made a go of it for 25% of the length of the relationship, how much longer would you want her to try? And how much worse would it be for everyone when she made the same decision then?
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my dad didn't want kids but my mum sure did. we were just nuisances to him. he never hated us, but he never loved us either. made for a difficult and awkward childhood. i'm glad i knew early that i didn't want kids. if my husband found out he was a dad and had to take care of a kid, i would honestly probably leave too. it's just not something i think i could do and remain happy or even just ok.
Sad, but no one can or should force someone to be a step parent against their will. It would end in tragedy anyway.
This woman made the right decision. My heart breaks for this child but this woman made it clear she did not want children. She tried. Her sister is actually the selfish one & her mom shouldn't be taking sides. This child needs nurturing, love, guidance and support, not someone who just isn't mother material. Her ex husband should focus on his son for now. Someone will come along & love this little boy as their own. This womans family should apologize & support her decision. Last, even though the dog was hers, she could have let the boy keep it. Hope this dad gets him a dog. All in all, very sad for everyone but mostly traumatic for this young man. I'm sure this dad will be a great dad & hopefully he will have some female relatives to love & support him.
YTA Wow you're sister just had her world formed upside down and you're kicking her while she's down. Just because you may have loved to be in her position you're shaming her in front of you're family noting their mostly behind you. She may be very depressed. Why don't you take her to lunch and listen to her feelings instead of judging her. You enjoy kids, she doesn't. You're 2 different people.
I won’t say you’re the AH. However at the end of the day it is your Sisters decision whether she wants to take the responsibility on or not. Not saying anything when you see a loved when making a decision that you feel is wrong is hard to do but that’s what’s needed in this situation. As much as that little boy is already suffered he will get over the fact that your sister left and took the dog. If she’s not prepared to give the love and attention he deserves he is better off with her not around. Sometimes loving someone and doing the right thing means making hard decisions that you don’t want to make. It’s OK to not agree but it’s not OK to tell her how she should make her decision. You have every right to try and continue a relationship with the little boy and her husband. try to keep your opinion to yourself and try to understand your sis And see why she deep down Feels that way. Maybe she’s just scared
What happened to the vow 'for better or for worse?' This lady made a solemn promise to her husband and now she's gonna bail because something happened that she didn't want? The 'unexpected' happens all the time. Boo Hoo. She is showing her true colors. STA
He also made her a promise of never having kids. And he broke that vow. And she still tried and it didn't work out. What happened with not treating women as your house possession that should be there for husband even if their mental health is suffering? Vows are there for survitude and destruction of spouse's and child's mental health?
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I have to heavily disagree with the masses. I will probably get a lot of hate. She is absolutely being selfish. She’s not only sending the message to a child, that he giant worth her time and get used to abandonment, his only crime is he exists. Simultaneously she is sending the message to her husband that she was never going to be there for him if the difficult or unexpected were to happen. She is quite literally making the statement that as long as the money flows and things are good I’ll be around, but when everything goes south, you’re on your own. Honestly it’s probably for the beat and he’s better off without her. Hopefully he finds someone actually worth emotionally investing in instead of this woman.
Yes. She should have stayed, hated the kid and he'd know she hates him. Probably f up his growing up and be in a strained relationship with that said spouse. When you're so twisted you don't care reading. They both worked and they both made money. She did not ask her husband to make a choice, she did not tell him to take a child and go. She made a decision that for the sake of hers and kid's me tal health she'll give up on the man she loves so he can raise his child and she was the o e moving out. You are quite literally making the statement she should have stayed even if it would have killed her, so all 3 of them would be f miserable, and "I'll be around, but when everything goes south I'll stay just so we all will have depressive lives, but at least I'll stay". Hopefully you'll find someone who'd widen your horizon beyond the survitude of a woman.
Load More Replies... I've been celibate, single and childfree since 2011, and will be 40 this year. This sister is 100% YTA. The other woman had specific goals in mind when she married. That marriage is no longer valid if those goals are moving around like they're on quicksand. I'm actually really proud of this stranger for doing the right thing and leaving. The husband can now find someone more appropriate, who do want that kind of life for his child and themselves.
Add to this the implicit assumption by most of people she'll encounter - perhaps including her husband and family - that she'll take.on primary caregiver role *for a kid she never wanted or had anything to do with making*. Hard pass. Guaranteed that for the next 12-14 years every school, daycare, doctor, friends parent, PTA, playgroup, and organized sport will be calling her first with endless expectations. I'd be shocked if she stayed. We also aren't talking about how her husband never wanted kids and may not be bringing his A game to this situation *that only he and his ex lover had a part in creating*.
I've been an 'accidental' parent for a period of my life. It nearly broke me. Fortunately the situation resolved itself happily otherwise I may well have left.
I definitely don't think that the sister should be raising kids if she doesn't want them, but I feel for the child more than any of the adults here. She gets to walk away because she doesn't want to go through this uncomfortable situation, the child doesn't get a choice in anything that has happened to him. What about how sad and uncomfortable he must feel? How lucky she is to leave and choose what she thinks is best for her, this poor boy has nothing of the sort. I would understand her leaving because she simply is not able to do this, but I can agree with OP that some of the reasons her sister listed sounded pretty shallow compared to what the kid has been through. Idk.
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I can't understand why everyone is calling OP nosey / sticking her nose in / arsehole. Do none of you have opinions on what your siblings do and do you all hide things from them and let them fester instead of saying what's on your mind? Not a particularly healthy way to communicate if so. The sister has a full right to do what is right for her, but the OP has the right to have an opinion and share it respectfully, if that's the relationship they have. It sounds like she took her aside for a private conversation once. What's wrong with that? Has no one ever shared a differing opinion with you? Can you not do that now without being labelled a nosey jerk? How will you ever expand your own minds if no one is allowed to share their thoughts with you? This AITA trend is so unhealthy and corrosive.
This is not a situation for opinions. Is just you keep it for yourself and be supportive kind of situation.
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I never thought I would be an adequate parent. Looking back now, I know I was right. This woman knows being a parent is not the right thing for her either. It's too bad for everyone but in the long run, it's probably best she leave a situation she finds unbearable. It could turn really ugly, especially for the boy. Her anger, frustration & resentment would likely affect the child negatively.
It's just a shitty situation with shitty solutions. Nobody is doing the wrong thing here. Sometimes the right solution still feels wrong.
The sister has every right to move on. She did the husband and the boy a favor. She voluntarily attended a family meeting, knowing very well the subject of the meeting, Therefore, the other family members had every right to voice their opinions on the matter. If she didn't want to hear it, she shouldn't have attended and only sent the message that her decision is final and not open for discussion. But she attended, opening herself to criticism. Bottom line, I don't feel the sister is wrong for her decision to leave. She didn't mislead anyone. The OP wasn't wrong for voicing her opinion in the family meeting. Although I don't agree with her opinion I support her right to have one and voice it. That's what family meetings are for. The family should respect the sister's decision. Nothing is stopping them from maintaining a family relationship with the husband and his son.
Whatever happened to "for better or for worse?" If she doesn't want to be a mom, maybe hubby can hire a nanny to care for his son. I do know people who DO NOT LIKE KIDS, so I feel for her. This is a CHILD who has lost his mother at a young age, however, so my heart goes out to him. Hopefully the dad will find a woman who will love the boy because he is a part of the man she loves. I feel bad for the entire family.
For better or worse is bs. If she stayed, 3 people would be miserable. for better or worse are words that makes people stay with abusers and being mistreated and should be banned altogether I was raised by someone who hated me. I do not recommend it for any child. The kid is better off being raised by someone who wants to be a parent.
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This is so difficult. I don't want children but I would take responsibility for the surprise baby. I can't imagine getting married to someone who already has children. My whole body and mind says nope. But if something like that happened? He could just pay the grandmother and have a nanny, but it seems cruel. She still loves her husband... That's the worst part.
Probably get downvoted but I kinda feel its best they part ways now. I have the feeling that if he got ill later on she would bail as she didn't sign up for that either. Could be wrong but I had a former partner who, in an otherwise failry good relationship, out of the blue said that if I ever got seriously ill she was gone. Said she did "not have time for that s**t".
She is NOT a TA! The man didn't know he had a child, but now that he knows he takes care of it, and the boy also need a mother, Yes he does! Life may not go the way we planned, when does it ever. Does the stepmother really have to watch adult shows any time of day? She should grow up ! Then, on the other hand, her being a selfish AH like that, maybe her husband and stepson would be better without her. Hopefully they can find someone better suited for motherhood. Pity about the dog though.
I understand it has to hurt for you guys after getting close to this boy but you have to understand that this is not your reality- it is your sister’s
Imo YTA. I also think she might be in-lust(love) with her sister's (ex)-husband. She is crying more than the bereaved! Can't understand such a family that would rather through their sister/daughter under the bridge than try to be there for her, even if they want to try to create some room for the man and his son.
GOOD GOD! No wonder the divorce rate is so high and so is the abortion rate. People these days have no respect for the marriage vows or each other. Any inconvenience comes around, you view it as an acceptable reason to leave. What if this wife got into an accident and was suddenly crippled and needed care 24/7 and the husband said no, this isn't what I signed up for. Do you want me to be miserable? I'm leaving! Would it still be ok? Or maybe this wife's birth control failed and she doesn't want an abortion. Can the husband just leave and say...not what I signed up for! When two people are married we promise to be there for each other through EVERYTHING, even unplanned or unwanted circumstances.
Apparently you also don't realize the kid would be miserable once he'd understand she doesn't like him if she stayed. But none of you care about the child, you care about the vows lol. Thank God for the easy divorce procedure.
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Pretty sure if the sexes we're reversed... These people would say he man would be the a*****e for abandoning his wife.
She has as much right to be happy as anyone else in this scenario. It's sad, and I hate that she is leaving. But if she's not happy, it's best for all that she move on. Nothing worse than being raised by a parent who is miserable, doesn't want to be with you and resents you. And, if she stays "for the child", she WILL come to resent him.
Well at least this is a miner child and not grown men step sons like in my situation!
I think a lot of folks are way overreacting to the sister. She didn't read anyone the riot act. She had a conversation. And I didn't see where it said that the wife gave it a year to see if it could work. Frankly, I think ESH. But you know, a lot of times life throws us weirdness, and it can suck. For some reason, the adults seem to be forgetting that the most important person in this picture is the child. Not enough people go to family counseling before making huge decisions like this. Counseling is wonderful for helping everyone getting through a transition like this.
If the sister doesn't want to be a parent, nothing will change that. Counseling is for people who need help through a situation, not who want nothing to do with it.
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Honestly I'm going to wade in here with a NBTA, the way I see it is this. The sister had no right to call her selfish however from what I understand she went into that conversation with the best intentions. No its not her place however if someone in your family had an issue with a relationship would you not talk to them and their partner to see if there was something that could be done, especially after being married and part of the family for so long or would you just happily cut them lose? On the other side the wife is fully within her right to walk away from the relationship especially as they had clearly stated they didn't want to have children she may be doing him a favour by walking away as folk have pointed out nobody wants to have a parent who resents them however she may find that after a while things change and she may come to love the child however again this is a massive and difficult choice and if she chooses to leave then she is perfectly allowed to
The father is doing what he should do, stepping up to the plate and dealing with a consequence of an action. I can't comment much on this part purely because there's no information on what happened that night. Did he use contraception, was it a drunken one night stand, I only hope that down the line he doesn't grow resentful because of this. Lastly the main victim of this situation is the child, he's been brought into this world. The mother has died which is traumatic enough, hes now been passed to a stranger who he has to accept as his father. This new family he's entered has essentially been broken apart because of him and honestly that's an awful feeling that will stay with him for the rest of this life. I feel sorry for all parties involved particularly the child and honestly I don't feel the need to assign an a*****e to this one
Load More Replies... It seems like OP hasn’t mentioned the fact that this was sister’s only recourse feeling the way she does. It was her husband who decided to raise the child rather than giving him up for adoption or trying to find a better place for him. I highly doubt the boy’s maternal grandma was literally his only other living relative, but the husband made it clear that he has changed his mind about not wanting a child, and some of the sister’s decision to leave may also be partially based on that betrayal of a promise he made to her and the throwing away of the life they planned together. Either way it’s her decision, not OP’s.
If she wants to be child free and is welling to separate from her husband over something he didn't know about he is better off. No matter how you look at it she is being selfish but that is her right. She loves her freedom over trying to compromise and make it work her right to ask to separated but dont praise her like some saint that is doing what is right cause she isn't. When you get married you promise to look out and care for each other it isn't about just you anymore its about both of you. Call it slavery or stupid all you want doesn't change that she is walking out on someone she said she would love thru thick in thin cause of something beyond their control there is more then one a*****e in this story.
Sister and her entire family are the AHs. It sux for everyone involved as 3 lives are ruined but that is no reason for her to take a bullet for the kid and her husband. It's not her responsibility to sacrifice her life so the husband and kid can maintain theirs. If the sister is so concerned about the situation then let her marry the ex-husband and play stepmom.
While my heart goes out to the kid and the husband, I really feel like the sister is being a real A-hole. The choice the wife made was not an easy one. It took a lot for her to leave the man she loved and thought she would grow old with. She did the right thing. I have seen too many people stay in a relationship where the step kids/ex-wife/in-laws made the situation miserable for everyone and it never seems to end well. Better to move on than live in misery for years. Besides, raising someone else's kid when you didn't even want your own is a recipe for disaster.
He should have at least told her it's possible that he has a child somewhere. I'm curious to know how the grandmother had all of his contact information yet he knew nothing about the mother.
If it wasn't a sudden accident, the mother would have had time to communicate who the father was.
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I love how the last part of bored panda is "ambiguous story right??" And preceding that is every single comment stating "YTA" lol it's not ambiguous at all is BP???
It is her right to leave and be child free. She did not sign up for this. However, something tells me that this will be a decision she regrets down the road.
Why don't they try a different sort of relationship, like living apart together? If they still love each other, why leave like that? He could raise his child, the family can sometimes look after the child and she would have no parental role. A helpful, supportive conversation would have been much better.
I'm not going to judge the wife for leaving. She was clear about her intentions. In the end it will probably be the best for the child and the father. Maybe its just me but, she could have left the dog. Whether it was her dog or not she's an adult. The kid probably became very attached to the dog and that seems very spiteful to me. Maybe a dig at the husband for turning her world upside down. People do strange things when relationships start to break up. Watched my parents marriage implode before my eyes when I was nine. Not entertaining and leaves scares. Hopefully they can all recover and move on.
People also consider their pets to be best buddies/children/family members, so kinda strange to leave it when she had the dog even before having the husband just to please a child that known it for less than a year. You ever had a dog?
Load More Replies... I can't say I think very well of this woman's sister. What this story really shows is that every child needs both parents in their lives. If the boy's mother had done the right thing and told the husband he was going to be a father, his wife would never have married him which in this case would have been for the best.
When your a child in a situation like this or a variation, it is SO hard on the child. My mom was 6 months pregnant when she and my dad got married. She loved me as much as she able, but it was pretty obvious that she loved my brothers and sister a lot more than she loved me. Just one example, my medical needs fell under "benign neglect".I wasn't deliberately neglected, but unless I had a broken bone or bleeding that wouldn't stop, I had to take care of it on my own.
I've friends who agreed not to have children together. He had 3 from a prior marriage & was adamant he didn't want more. Over the yrs (apprx 10) she had a change of heart & wanted @ least one child. He then got a vasectomy & they split up shortly thereafter. Actually it was really hard for me to take a side. Yet another reason not to marry young.
Oh the poor kid. If the family wants the kid and the marriage to stay together maybe one of them could take him? Maybe the family should arrange itself for her sake instead of expecting her to change herself for them. It’s actually a really sad situation that’s being made worse by convention. Poor kid.
Huh, I'm quite surprised by people's reactions. Like, what if, instead of a surprise child, something else would happened? Like, I don't know, something more drastic i.e. the guy would became quadriplegic. She could also say "This is not what I signed up for!" and bail? And you would need to keep it for yourself and be supportive? I never knew one could be so selective with wedding vows. "I'll support you as long as it is convenient for me."
NTA My mind is blown away by everyone's comments. This woman married a good man and is now rejecting him for being a good man. She agreed to stay married to him through his times and bad. Also, the situation described by the OP was a gentle and loving attempt to point out her sister was wrong, not a confrontation where her intent was simply to shame, judge and yell. Lastly, the sister will not be happy with this decision in the long wrong. She will regret ending a happy healthy marriage with a man she loves over this issue. Days, weeks, months, years and DECADES from now she will have significant regret, and must likely, shame and self loathing if she carries out this separation and divorce. I absolutely applaud the OP for doing the correct and very loving thing by confronting her sister. She's trying to love her sister in a healthy and constructive way. DEFINITELY NTA
You are literally saying she and her opinion doesn't matter, she can kill herself for all you care, as long as she stays with hubby. F-ing yikes forced parnting/marriage. Wonder if you're talking about regret from own experience but newsflash - everyone reacts differently to situations. Thanks for applauding OP who said the family cares for hubby and child and not about her opinion so she should stay.
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Woman who's divorcing her husband is an absolute c**t I have no idea how people are defending her
First she has every right to leave, but she's still the AH. Here's a situation with a little boy that lost everything, had his whole world flipped upside down. Spends a year with this AH stepmom thinking he might have something stable again, but wrong she leaves and when she leaves she takes the god damn dog too. WTF, i don't care if it was hers first or not. This little guy lost everything, and not only is she hurting him and his father in this way but she rips the dog away as well. I don't care if she wanted kids or not, to not only leave and then take the dog what a self centered selfish AH. She should have at least realized what the loss of not only her, but the dog to the boy would be. If she wanted to leave and not be a major major AH, she should have left the dog too. Just sayin.
Adobt the kid and buy him a dog. Dogs are like family members to people, you not gonna leave your best buddy/family member with a 6yo kid that known it for less than a year. And you say it's her dog but guilt trip her to leave it. Just saying, you the Ah.
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Does anyone care about the impact this is having on the little boy? He didn’t ask for any of this either and yet now he is suffering yet another loss, a beloved pet, that the wife had every right to but it’s still another loss for the boy, and he is feeling guilt due to the fact that his mere existence has caused the breakup of his biological father’s marriage. All of the adults in this nightmare need to get their collective heads out of their a**es and start acting like adults instead of self-involved jerks. I agree that it appears that the wife evidently does not love her husband enough to try to make this work. Fine. This child is better off without her. Yes, parenting is difficult, but life is difficult. I think the sister had a right to speak her mind. Life is all about choices and living with the results. These adults need to grow up and have some concern for the most vulnerable person in this situation, the little boy. Or is that too much to ask.
Imagine the depression he'd feel if she'd stay and hate him.
Load More Replies... Why do people like this even get married? Not judging but…Why say your vows if you don’t mean them? Like what if something happened to him? I didn’t sign up to be married to a paraplegic, sorry I’m out. Yeah she has every right to leave I guess but…. You promised you wouldn’t?
You are judging. You are judging her decision to walk away from a relationship the devolved into a deal-breaker. If the guy became a paraplegic and she walked you would have a valid point. But, she said kids was the deal-breaker, not plegia.
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I can understand not wanting to take on the responsibility. Her choice. But, she is a bit of a scumbag for abandoning the "man she loves" to deal with this on his own. He had no choice, but that's the way it is. Regardless, he's the GOAT for stepping up.
Her choice to not want to take on the responsibility, but she's a scumbag to leave because she didn't want to take on the responsibility? Right.
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I'm sorry but the OP's sister is giving up on their marriage to the man she loves just because he had a child HE did not know about. That seems pretty selfish to me! Because you only get one chance at finding your soulmate, and a lot of people spend their whole lives looking for theirs. She just didn't want to grow up and be responsible, based on what she said "I can't watch adult TV shows all day." Really, that's pretty immature if you ask me. I think he got lucky her filing for a divorce, so he can find a more mature, respectful woman.
I don't believe that you are the a******. You don't have to agree with what your sister is doing. See she gets a choice, the little guy doesn't. And if everybody in your family loves him and thinks he's great, why don't you just ask if you can "adopt" him in a sense as nephew. It really stinks to be part of the extended family that loves somebody and invites them into your family and then has to deal with them being kicked out because your sister or your brother decides they're not going to be married anymore. She's going to have to put on her big girl panties and suck it up if you guys want to keep him in your family.
I don't think you're the a******. I think you have a right to your opinion. And if everybody loves that little boy except for your sister then ask if he can stay a part of your guys's lives. We don't always have to agree with what our brothers and sisters decide to do with their lives. And I know it'll create a wedge between you and your sister but when you guys are just about ready to die, what do you want to say about your life and how you lived it? The people in your life that you affected and that affected you are the most important things- not your job not how many places you've adventured to.
We live in such a selfish world where we treat love as a service that is provided and can be traded just as easily. The OP's sister wasn't in love with the man, just the lifestyle. The OP has a great moral compass, and for all of you sending her your negative opinions over, check your own morals.
Op's sister has a great moral compass, she should marry that guy then and raise the kid. Problem solved.
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It really just shows how weak there love / dedication was to one another. Sorry but if something unexpectedly happen in my marriage I wouldn't just say we need a divorce. Yes it's her choice to stay or not and maybe I take the married thing about death do you part little to seriously. Me personally I would not attempt to get married again tbh if this one fails but the husband in this scenario might think differently. The OP has the right to voice her opinion because it does effect the whole family. EVERYONE can voice there opinion and if you get mad at that then you need to evaluate yourself.
Not the a*****e, but probably best if the selfish b***h does divorce the guy. If you not only are too self centered to take care of a child that has lost it's mother AND you take the dog (assuming the dog was nicer to the kid than the selfish woman), both father and son would have been miserable with her there. I just hope she doesn't try to take every thing they have. She sounds like the type.
Go raise the kid and buy him a dog. Problem solved.
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Idk if the kid was a deal breaker, she should have walked away from the get go, the second they found out about the kid- instead of becoming a (step) parent in this child's life. This child has already lost a parent, now they got another parental figure walking away. There's lots of men who absolutely don't want kids, take precautions, and still end up with a pregnant partner, but they're villians if they step out. She's no different🤷♀️
There are people saying almost a year she gave trying to make it work isn't long enough, you're saying she should have walked away directly. Make up your mind people. Also, it's nit her child to even worry about to begin with, she isn't that partner that ended up pregnant.
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People on here making comments about this man and his son his wife childhood must have really suck for her to not want children you can tell her parents didn't give her a lot of attention when she was a kid and so I guess she made that choice to say I'm not having kids so I can get all the attention from my husband that I didn't get when she was growing up if the husband can adjust to it why couldn't she because she was selfish and complaining about little minor things and when the husband moved on and find someone that really loves him and his child she going to be on the outside looking in saying I wish I would have tried a little harder to love this little boy
There are a billion reasons to not want children, but you picked the one that guilt trips her.
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It amazes me how selfish people are nowadays. I have 2 kids. One was planned (the first) the second wasn't. Raising the first one was so hard, both my wife and I didn't want to have anymore kids. But surprise! She got pregnant again due to a contraceptive failure. But even though we didn't want the situation, we had him. Raising him was much harder than our first child, but we delt with it. Sometimes things happen in life that are hard and we have to deal with them. This woman is willing to devastate her husband and his child because it is too hard. If she truly loved her husband she would do anything for him. Life isn't always easy. Kids aren't kids forever. They grow up and start their own lives.
This is completely different and you know it. You and your wife CHOSE to have children. Regardless of how hard it was, those children were your responsibility to raise because they were YOURS. This woman specifically chose not to have kids, and had this situation thrust upon her against her will. Would you feel the same if someone dumped a 6 year old on your doorstep that was your wife's child with another man, whom you knew nothing about?
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I don’t think YTA, it’s just a shitty situation. I get that she didn’t plan on having kids or wanting one but sometimes life has a way of making the choice for you. That being said, her divorcing her husband is her choice and if that’s what she wants then it’s her life. I think it hurts now but they will all be better off in the future. I understand your sister is in some ways being selfish but in other ways shes just forging her own path and not feeling obligated to take on a responsibility she didn’t agree/want. I feel bad for the boy but he will be stronger for it and life will go on. 🤷🏼♀️
I don't feel that you're an a****** in this situation yes you did put your sister over to the side and had a conversation with her I feel your sisters are very selfish person because she could have talked to silver with her husband and she has to understand he was just put in a position that he didn't even know about and not only that the child has just lost his mother now to come and find love with your sister and then she breaks his heart she's a very selfish person and I can't understand how people think that you're an a****** now this is just my opinion and I totally agree with you and your family all the way your sister is very selfish person
Yes, she should have stayed and just hated the kid because apparently that wouldn't have broken his heart.
Load More Replies... So disgusted after seeing this & mostly from the comments. I hope none of those backing the wife seeking divorce EVER Marry! You're all to weak, disloyal, & Spineless to ever think you'll be able to stay with someone for better or worse, sickness & health, til death do you part! No way any of them could make it thru the challenges life throws at a couple. So save some of the few whom marriage still means what it's supposed to & just don't do it!! Poor kid & Dad! I hope that Lady never finds a good loyal partner again!!
She has every right to do this and I have every right to call her a F*****G C**T. Let that b***h go off and die alone
Children are innocent. It's not their fault. I'm happy that the little boy's mother choice to have the baby. And to hear that she passed away. It's making me cry. The little boy has a great dad, to do what he did. And for his wife just gives up on him and the son. To me it's not right at all. She needs therapy. To the dad, you're amazing dad. Keep loving your son and keep doing what you're doing. I'm hoping that your wife will change her mind about divorcing you. I have a son. It took us 9 1/2 years to have a baby boy. He's 19 now. I can't imagine life without him. We love him soo much. I admire your son's mom she chose "LIFE" your son is so special keep LOVING him. This is what she will want also.
His sons mother is a piece of s**t, what are you talking about you "admire" her? She kept the boy from his father for 6 years, she never told him he had a son, she's a lying b***h and absolutely does not deserve praise for bringing a child into the world without telling his father he exists. He had a right to know he has a child. This entire horrible situation, which is likely going to be extremely damaging for this little boy, is the direct consequence of her stupid actions. It's literally her fault this little boy is in this situation. She's not worthy of admiration of any sort.
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NTA Ohhhh... Boohoo, she can't watch "ADULT" shows all day long.... Psssttt get a "JOB"!!! Obviously, she doesn't "LOVE" her husband and just wants to be able to play all day while he does "ADULT" things, like work and be a father... I let my wife move her son, 31, daughter, 34, her husband and 2 granddaughters 6 and 9 and 3 malamutes in "MY" house... Not always thrilled about it but that's called marriage and sometimes personal sacrifices have to be made...FYI I was adopted by a family because my real mom got pregnant by a man who to this day, 57 years, has no clue I exist...Grow up and STOP being a selfish b...h and show compassion to a little boy who didn't "ASK" to screw up "YOUR" life....
She has a job, Patrick, learn to read. And learn to understand that everyone reacts differently. Also, not everyone would want to have people living in their house lol. She said she hated the boy so she would have hated him if she stayed, get that through your thick skull. You want him, go raise him yourself and move him to your house.
Load More Replies... Why get married for the best or the worst, what an idiot. People like that should be aborted. She's a selfish c u n t.
Her heart ache doesn't matter too apparently. All that matters are fuctive vows.
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She said no kids, why are you holding against her? 😂🤣
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We don't have orphanages in the US, we have foster care, which is a crapshoot. The good ones are fine but the bad ones are really bad. Kids over 5 rarely get adopted.
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So, she should stay and be a resentful step mom? That sounds so much better. Not everyone wants kids. Nobody should be forced to be a parent against their will, no matter what reason.
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We don't know the vows that these people took, not having children could have been in there. Sounds like that was a mutual decision before they married
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She is not that child's mother. She is not obligated to provide for him, not did she choose for him to show up. Also, that mindset is why there are so many children who are raised by parents who don't want them and suffer for it. She is as innocent as the child is.
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I am in a relationship, have been for 30 something years. We do not have children. So, you can't be in a relationship unless you want children?
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So, it's better for her to be a resentful stepparent and for the boy to be raised by someone who does not want him?
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You are doing a lot of projecting. Not wanting to be a parent does not make someone immature.
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I like how you bring the "for better or worse" vow. So, if this were reversed, would you expect him to stay and raise a kid he didn't want? Or would it be okay for him to bail?
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In the long run, if she can't be a good mother to that child, it's best that she bowed out now. People who feel forced to be parents often take it out on the child, even without meaning to.
Load More Replies... That is a very unfortunate sad and very complicated situation. My husband and I are childfree (we are in out late 30s) that was the deal before we even got engaged. I think people have no right to call that her selfish, it is her life and if she wants to spend it childfree-people should respect her choice. She gave motherhood a fair try and she hated it. She did everyone a favor in my opinion, she would hardly make a decent mother and that little boy deserves someone who will love him and give him a very happy childhood.
Yep, seems pretty much everyone agrees. If it was her child, then she has a responsibility. Otherwise, her only responsibility is to make her own life as happy as she can and do what's necessary to achieve that. We get one go at this life.
Load More Replies... Being a step parent is hard enough when it's a choice. She wasn't even given a choice.
and then her sister comes and reads her the riot act, based on her own values and opinions. And sis makes it into a family thing where people takes sides. What a mess. While all it needs is kindness and love and supporting everybody who goed through this painful proces: her, the kid, the husband, maybe even the dog. It's just a very unfortunate situation where people have to be true to themselves.
Load More Replies... Every child deserves to feel wanted and loved. I suffered emotional neglect growing up, because my bio father had no paternal interest in me (but loved his 2 daughters with his 2nd wife); my mother pretty much ignored me in favour of my 2 half brothers she had with my stepfather - who was an abusive asshat towards me. Scarred me forever, and shaped all my relationships.
I feel you in a similar manner. I’m adopted but was only adopted because my mother wanted a sibling for her daughter (their biological child) and she chose ME because she wanted a blue-eyed, blond-haired daughter (she’s Hispanic so she’d never have one biologically). When my mother realized I was not a perfect malleable blob she could make into a frilly-girly perfect daughter (circa age 6) she began to neglect, resent, and abuse me (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally). But her daughter is just like her so she was the perfect child and always got all the attention. My father was amazing and he loved me for me, but he was not a strong person, and my mother abused him too (in all ways), so he never stood up to her to stop her abuse of me OR him. So I feel the “favored child” and “parent doesn’t give a shít” feels. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re feeling at least somewhat better these days.. and I’ll be your stand-in sister to replace your half-siblings! :)
Load More Replies... She needs to read the posts from people who were raised by their parents and/or step-parents who didn't want them and see the damage it did to them. Yes, it hurts now, but spending 10-15 years being raised by somebody who doesn't want you is going to cause lifelong issues.
Good for the sister for leaving now rather than letting the situation continue which would result in an unhappy home. The child will need therapy from his mother dying and then moving in with a stranger who is suddenly dad, with the therapists help he can move on from all three disruptions. She shouldn't be forced into a life she never agreed on, if she had known her husband had a child she probably wouldn't have married him in the first place.
The sister is doing a huge favor on the kid. What if the frustration piles up and she ends up showing resentment and anger? It's not the kid's fault for being born and mom dying so soon. Rather than showing her hatred, she's choosing to walk out. Who wants to give up a loving husband? If it has reached this stage, it means she's burned out to the core. It's not husband's fault either. He didn't know. He doesn't have a choice. He can't abandon his child. She tried parenting and doesn't work out for her. It's a wise decision. She's hurting already. OP just added salt and peppers in the wound.
I'm curious, what would be if he'd rather stick with her and give up the child? Just hypothetical, would he be TA then, or her? Or would it still be viewed the same?
He'd be the a-hole if he could raise the child and chose not to because as a parent he is responsible for that child (she is not a parent). If she gave him a 'the child or me' ultimatum she'd be an a-hole. It doesn't appear that either of them did this, it sounds like they are making the best decisions considering the circumstances.
Load More Replies... People have to stop trying to force others to be parents. It's damaging to adults, and the child. I recently discovered some damaging secrets about my own parents, and it explains a lot about the dysfunction in family, growing up. A resentful person, who feels forced into Parenthood will make everything worse, and in some cases, dangerous. People don't need to share DNA to support each other, so if you feel so strongly about someone else's child, you should step up, rather than trying to force someone else to do it.
Kids are a dealbreaker for me too. You get a lot of grief for that especially as a woman.
It's sad but some people aren't cut out to be parents and to suddenly have a 6 year old can be jarring. She made the decision to have a child free life and shouldn't be forced into being a parent because of her husbands past. So the family needs to back off
Your sister does not have to give up her life for a kid that isn’t hers. The End.
Do people understand marriage anymore? I don’t think so. They should change the vows from death do us part, to “as long as this doesnt get too complicated for me “
Load More Replies... I have nightmares like this. Someone shows up at the door with 2 kids that are my husbands. Thankfully we have been together for 20 years so if little kids show up in real life and they are his then I will definitely leave. I feel so bad for the kid. I hope his awesome new dad gets them a dog and things go well for them. Poor kid already lost his whole world and now when things seem to be looking up, this happens. I hope he gets some counseling to help with the first trauma and this most recent mess.
As has been noted, this is a very sad situation all around. Admitting there are two sides to every story, we've only heard edited comments of the sister's side. What about the child, who speaks for him? I read comments about choice, who decides when we succumb to a serous illness, who decides that parents, friends, relatives grow old and frail and infirm and need help and compassion, who decides when jobs or fortunes or relationships are lost? We may not make the initial decision but a decision to act is thrust upon us, whether or not we "want" it. I believe we are tested at times in our lives. Call it God or fate or the universe or just how it is, but we are tested to the core of our souls. I admit I have failed at times. I congratulate the OP for trying and failing. I wish the OP's sister good luck and happiness with her decisions and her life, I truly do, but the child & father have my heart. I hope a whisper of conscience doesn't evolve into a roar.
Exactly. You marry someone so they can have your back no matter what. It’s one thing if they cheat and have a baby but this is a child he knew nothing about. I doubt she would stay if the guy had a major accident and suddenly depended on her 100%. I always say that many people get married but they shouldn’t because they can’t handle what a marriage truly requires.
Load More Replies... I'm on my 2nd marriage. First one we dated for 3 years and were engaged for another 3 years. She was in a terrible drunk driving accident in college (the other driver hit her) and she had a lot of damage to her hips/legs which prevents her from safely carrying a baby to birth. I never wanted kids. 3 months after the wedding she says she wants to adopt. We were divorced the next month. Now, married for 10 years to my 2nd wife and both agreed prior to marriage, no kids. I'm just not cut out to be a father and I don't want to ruin some poor kids future.
I think that’s different. She’s choosing to do this. But this guy had no idea and the child has no one but him. If you suddenly found out your kid was out there suffering, would you not do anything?
Load More Replies... YTA It's a hard, painful situation. Parenting is a massive commitment, it takes huge amounts of time, energy, and money. Everything in the parents life has to adjust. If you don't want to make that commitment, having someone else's child thrust upon you is a nightmare. It's not about "watching adult shows" and "asking him to do his homework". It's every moment of every day, and every decision and activity being affected. This is not a life she wants, and loving her husband isn't enough. Knowing that neither your sister or BIL expected or wanted this child, have you offered to adopt him? If you don't want to change your whole life to make a home for him, why do you judge your sister for not wanting to devote her life and marriage to this child?
Let's be real. OP's sister is a woman who dares to not be maternal. Of course, she'll be judged. The situation is tragic for the boy, but the sister is not obligated to give up her life to make other people happy. It would be selfish of her to stay around, knowing she resents being a stepmother, instead of leaving and moving on with her life. It's amazing the people who are against the sister don't seem to consider the consequence of the boy being raised by someone who resents him. In short, virtue signaling.
Not everyone wants to be a parent, and it's a choice that people make. Parenting is not for everyone, and no one should be judged harshly for their choice.
NO ONE should be forced to have a child they don't want. It will always end terribly for the child- whether it's because of marriage or pregnancy.
So if a man doesn't want children but his wife gets pregnant he should just leave?
Load More Replies... This not complicated or ambiguous. She tried, realized she couldn’t and didn’t want to be an adequate mother figure, and made the hard decision to leave a loving marriage. She’s not leaving the kid orphaned, and may even be willing/looking forward to visiting her ex and the kid. Sister was just piling on the guilt to try to make her stay and be miserable (and probably f the kid up, since they would know.)
I would have done the same thing. Sorry, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 22 years and the agreement has always been no kids. The circumstances are very difficult and I feel for everyone involved but I don't see why, having a choice, the OP's sister should sacrifice herself beyond already sacrificing her marriage. I'm sure that was a tough choice
There are two rights that need to be protected here. The little boy has the right to be raised by people who will give him all the love he deserves to have. Guide him through life and set him up to thrive. Your sister whose life plan did not include children and should not be forced into it. Otherwise it will compromise her goals, desires and ambitions which she's equally entitled to have. Your sister should not have to pay for mistakes the boys mum made by not planning for times when she was no longer around. I also think you meant well to try and convince your sister to accept this little boy. You will need to respect her wishes and not turn against her because of this. Your sister and BIL will have to make some hard decisions that will clearly leave someone hard broken. Be there for her, its your sis, whichever way this turns out. Just don't judge her as not all women are wired to be mums.
That's right! Just because you are a woman, it doesn't mean you want to be a mom!
Load More Replies... OP expresses concern for the child not having a stepmom, but if stepmom isn't 100% in, he may be better off without. Her misery will be felt even if she tries to keep it to herself. The situation is truly unfortunate for all involved, but that doesn't mean she needs to sacrifice herself to a role she didn't sign up for.
Why do people always have to guilt those who do not want kids? At least these people are standing up and saying no instead of having unwanted kids who grow up f****d up turning out to be serial killers and or rapists. I never hear people being put down for wanting kids. Why should it be ok to when someone does not!
Just because her sister doesn't want the kid doesn't mean OP can't step in and be the best Auntie ever. It sounds like the Dad has no help and it does take a village.
I see no ambiguity in this article. Relationship circumstances change, but I respect anyone who has the personal integrity to be true to themselves and honest with others. I made the decision to remain childless at age five after my first day in kindergarten. Over the years, friends and family have at times questioned my decision, and partners have tried to change my mind AFTER initially agreeing with me. I've ended relationships over this issue in the past. It's now been fifty years since I made that decision and no regrets.
OP Mind your own business. Your sister has every right to choose her lifestyle. I did not want children, but buckled to demands from family. It was a miserable 18 years until my daughter married and left home. I moved out of state as soon as possible following divorce. When grandkids came along, I did not visit until they were adolescents. For those of us who are crystal clear parenting is NOT what we want it should be no one elses business at all. Judgments will pour in, I'm sure, but I believe in the philosophy "To thine own self be true"
The fact that op clearly discussed this with mom and dad before the sister is the worst part. She skewed their perspective by trying to persuade them to her opinion, which isn't important
Nobody is an A..! You care for this child obviously, but nothing is stopping You, Your husband, and children from being a friend to this man and his son even after he stops being your BIL... Your sister should not be forced into being a mother; children know if you do not want them. Apologize...the choice your sister made was clearly the wisest, toughest and most unselfish one. Everyone knows dating over 30 for women is a nightmare.
This is one of those situations that will hurt the child no matter what. The stepmother stays she'll probably end up hating the kid for no reason at all, the stepmother leaves the kid will most likely go his entire life wondering if anyone truly loves him after loosing his mother, grandmother, and having his new mother figure walk out. The bond between a mother/mother like figure and a son is a lot stronger than anyone truly admits, and loosing this even while still having a full family such as a father, aunts, and uncles, will hurt that child.
Yup, it's the wife's right to leave. But that doesn't mean e eryone else has to see her as anything but cruel, heartless and incredibly selfish. I don't care about having kids strongly one way or the other and that's ABSOLUTELY how I see her. The kid lost their mom young, the only family he knows can't or won't take him, he gets shipped off to a guy he doesn't know being told he's his dad who never knew he existed. It's gonna take more than a year to get to any kind of a good place after that. She's dipping on her husband when he needs her most because she can't watch adult television? Jesus Christ this woman is a peice of work. This isn't even her husband's fault; he had no idea the kid existed and he's doing the RIGHT thing and making sure this kid doesn't grow up in the foster care system. Honestly I wouldn't want to speak to that woman again. People who won't step up as a partner or a decent person are the worst.
No, judgemental people like you are the worst. I was in a very similar situation to this one. My sister in law moved in with my wife and I, with her 3 year old with serious behavior problems. Within a month the SIL left but our niece stayed (was supposed to be for a short time... it wasn't). Let me tell you that first year was Hell, the 2nd not much better. We had the advantage of being together much longer already, and potentially wanting kids, and made it work. In the post the woman made a go of it for 25% of the length of the relationship, how much longer would you want her to try? And how much worse would it be for everyone when she made the same decision then?
Load More Replies... my dad didn't want kids but my mum sure did. we were just nuisances to him. he never hated us, but he never loved us either. made for a difficult and awkward childhood. i'm glad i knew early that i didn't want kids. if my husband found out he was a dad and had to take care of a kid, i would honestly probably leave too. it's just not something i think i could do and remain happy or even just ok.
Sad, but no one can or should force someone to be a step parent against their will. It would end in tragedy anyway.
This woman made the right decision. My heart breaks for this child but this woman made it clear she did not want children. She tried. Her sister is actually the selfish one & her mom shouldn't be taking sides. This child needs nurturing, love, guidance and support, not someone who just isn't mother material. Her ex husband should focus on his son for now. Someone will come along & love this little boy as their own. This womans family should apologize & support her decision. Last, even though the dog was hers, she could have let the boy keep it. Hope this dad gets him a dog. All in all, very sad for everyone but mostly traumatic for this young man. I'm sure this dad will be a great dad & hopefully he will have some female relatives to love & support him.
YTA Wow you're sister just had her world formed upside down and you're kicking her while she's down. Just because you may have loved to be in her position you're shaming her in front of you're family noting their mostly behind you. She may be very depressed. Why don't you take her to lunch and listen to her feelings instead of judging her. You enjoy kids, she doesn't. You're 2 different people.
I won’t say you’re the AH. However at the end of the day it is your Sisters decision whether she wants to take the responsibility on or not. Not saying anything when you see a loved when making a decision that you feel is wrong is hard to do but that’s what’s needed in this situation. As much as that little boy is already suffered he will get over the fact that your sister left and took the dog. If she’s not prepared to give the love and attention he deserves he is better off with her not around. Sometimes loving someone and doing the right thing means making hard decisions that you don’t want to make. It’s OK to not agree but it’s not OK to tell her how she should make her decision. You have every right to try and continue a relationship with the little boy and her husband. try to keep your opinion to yourself and try to understand your sis And see why she deep down Feels that way. Maybe she’s just scared
What happened to the vow 'for better or for worse?' This lady made a solemn promise to her husband and now she's gonna bail because something happened that she didn't want? The 'unexpected' happens all the time. Boo Hoo. She is showing her true colors. STA
He also made her a promise of never having kids. And he broke that vow. And she still tried and it didn't work out. What happened with not treating women as your house possession that should be there for husband even if their mental health is suffering? Vows are there for survitude and destruction of spouse's and child's mental health?
Load More Replies... I have to heavily disagree with the masses. I will probably get a lot of hate. She is absolutely being selfish. She’s not only sending the message to a child, that he giant worth her time and get used to abandonment, his only crime is he exists. Simultaneously she is sending the message to her husband that she was never going to be there for him if the difficult or unexpected were to happen. She is quite literally making the statement that as long as the money flows and things are good I’ll be around, but when everything goes south, you’re on your own. Honestly it’s probably for the beat and he’s better off without her. Hopefully he finds someone actually worth emotionally investing in instead of this woman.
Yes. She should have stayed, hated the kid and he'd know she hates him. Probably f up his growing up and be in a strained relationship with that said spouse. When you're so twisted you don't care reading. They both worked and they both made money. She did not ask her husband to make a choice, she did not tell him to take a child and go. She made a decision that for the sake of hers and kid's me tal health she'll give up on the man she loves so he can raise his child and she was the o e moving out. You are quite literally making the statement she should have stayed even if it would have killed her, so all 3 of them would be f miserable, and "I'll be around, but when everything goes south I'll stay just so we all will have depressive lives, but at least I'll stay". Hopefully you'll find someone who'd widen your horizon beyond the survitude of a woman.
Load More Replies... I've been celibate, single and childfree since 2011, and will be 40 this year. This sister is 100% YTA. The other woman had specific goals in mind when she married. That marriage is no longer valid if those goals are moving around like they're on quicksand. I'm actually really proud of this stranger for doing the right thing and leaving. The husband can now find someone more appropriate, who do want that kind of life for his child and themselves.
Add to this the implicit assumption by most of people she'll encounter - perhaps including her husband and family - that she'll take.on primary caregiver role *for a kid she never wanted or had anything to do with making*. Hard pass. Guaranteed that for the next 12-14 years every school, daycare, doctor, friends parent, PTA, playgroup, and organized sport will be calling her first with endless expectations. I'd be shocked if she stayed. We also aren't talking about how her husband never wanted kids and may not be bringing his A game to this situation *that only he and his ex lover had a part in creating*.
I've been an 'accidental' parent for a period of my life. It nearly broke me. Fortunately the situation resolved itself happily otherwise I may well have left.
I definitely don't think that the sister should be raising kids if she doesn't want them, but I feel for the child more than any of the adults here. She gets to walk away because she doesn't want to go through this uncomfortable situation, the child doesn't get a choice in anything that has happened to him. What about how sad and uncomfortable he must feel? How lucky she is to leave and choose what she thinks is best for her, this poor boy has nothing of the sort. I would understand her leaving because she simply is not able to do this, but I can agree with OP that some of the reasons her sister listed sounded pretty shallow compared to what the kid has been through. Idk.
Load More Replies... I can't understand why everyone is calling OP nosey / sticking her nose in / arsehole. Do none of you have opinions on what your siblings do and do you all hide things from them and let them fester instead of saying what's on your mind? Not a particularly healthy way to communicate if so. The sister has a full right to do what is right for her, but the OP has the right to have an opinion and share it respectfully, if that's the relationship they have. It sounds like she took her aside for a private conversation once. What's wrong with that? Has no one ever shared a differing opinion with you? Can you not do that now without being labelled a nosey jerk? How will you ever expand your own minds if no one is allowed to share their thoughts with you? This AITA trend is so unhealthy and corrosive.
This is not a situation for opinions. Is just you keep it for yourself and be supportive kind of situation.
Load More Replies... I never thought I would be an adequate parent. Looking back now, I know I was right. This woman knows being a parent is not the right thing for her either. It's too bad for everyone but in the long run, it's probably best she leave a situation she finds unbearable. It could turn really ugly, especially for the boy. Her anger, frustration & resentment would likely affect the child negatively.
It's just a shitty situation with shitty solutions. Nobody is doing the wrong thing here. Sometimes the right solution still feels wrong.
The sister has every right to move on. She did the husband and the boy a favor. She voluntarily attended a family meeting, knowing very well the subject of the meeting, Therefore, the other family members had every right to voice their opinions on the matter. If she didn't want to hear it, she shouldn't have attended and only sent the message that her decision is final and not open for discussion. But she attended, opening herself to criticism. Bottom line, I don't feel the sister is wrong for her decision to leave. She didn't mislead anyone. The OP wasn't wrong for voicing her opinion in the family meeting. Although I don't agree with her opinion I support her right to have one and voice it. That's what family meetings are for. The family should respect the sister's decision. Nothing is stopping them from maintaining a family relationship with the husband and his son.
Whatever happened to "for better or for worse?" If she doesn't want to be a mom, maybe hubby can hire a nanny to care for his son. I do know people who DO NOT LIKE KIDS, so I feel for her. This is a CHILD who has lost his mother at a young age, however, so my heart goes out to him. Hopefully the dad will find a woman who will love the boy because he is a part of the man she loves. I feel bad for the entire family.
For better or worse is bs. If she stayed, 3 people would be miserable. for better or worse are words that makes people stay with abusers and being mistreated and should be banned altogether I was raised by someone who hated me. I do not recommend it for any child. The kid is better off being raised by someone who wants to be a parent.
Load More Replies... This is so difficult. I don't want children but I would take responsibility for the surprise baby. I can't imagine getting married to someone who already has children. My whole body and mind says nope. But if something like that happened? He could just pay the grandmother and have a nanny, but it seems cruel. She still loves her husband... That's the worst part.
Probably get downvoted but I kinda feel its best they part ways now. I have the feeling that if he got ill later on she would bail as she didn't sign up for that either. Could be wrong but I had a former partner who, in an otherwise failry good relationship, out of the blue said that if I ever got seriously ill she was gone. Said she did "not have time for that s**t".
She is NOT a TA! The man didn't know he had a child, but now that he knows he takes care of it, and the boy also need a mother, Yes he does! Life may not go the way we planned, when does it ever. Does the stepmother really have to watch adult shows any time of day? She should grow up ! Then, on the other hand, her being a selfish AH like that, maybe her husband and stepson would be better without her. Hopefully they can find someone better suited for motherhood. Pity about the dog though.
I understand it has to hurt for you guys after getting close to this boy but you have to understand that this is not your reality- it is your sister’s
Imo YTA. I also think she might be in-lust(love) with her sister's (ex)-husband. She is crying more than the bereaved! Can't understand such a family that would rather through their sister/daughter under the bridge than try to be there for her, even if they want to try to create some room for the man and his son.
GOOD GOD! No wonder the divorce rate is so high and so is the abortion rate. People these days have no respect for the marriage vows or each other. Any inconvenience comes around, you view it as an acceptable reason to leave. What if this wife got into an accident and was suddenly crippled and needed care 24/7 and the husband said no, this isn't what I signed up for. Do you want me to be miserable? I'm leaving! Would it still be ok? Or maybe this wife's birth control failed and she doesn't want an abortion. Can the husband just leave and say...not what I signed up for! When two people are married we promise to be there for each other through EVERYTHING, even unplanned or unwanted circumstances.
Apparently you also don't realize the kid would be miserable once he'd understand she doesn't like him if she stayed. But none of you care about the child, you care about the vows lol. Thank God for the easy divorce procedure.
Load More Replies... Pretty sure if the sexes we're reversed... These people would say he man would be the a*****e for abandoning his wife.
She has as much right to be happy as anyone else in this scenario. It's sad, and I hate that she is leaving. But if she's not happy, it's best for all that she move on. Nothing worse than being raised by a parent who is miserable, doesn't want to be with you and resents you. And, if she stays "for the child", she WILL come to resent him.
Well at least this is a miner child and not grown men step sons like in my situation!
I think a lot of folks are way overreacting to the sister. She didn't read anyone the riot act. She had a conversation. And I didn't see where it said that the wife gave it a year to see if it could work. Frankly, I think ESH. But you know, a lot of times life throws us weirdness, and it can suck. For some reason, the adults seem to be forgetting that the most important person in this picture is the child. Not enough people go to family counseling before making huge decisions like this. Counseling is wonderful for helping everyone getting through a transition like this.
If the sister doesn't want to be a parent, nothing will change that. Counseling is for people who need help through a situation, not who want nothing to do with it.
Load More Replies... Honestly I'm going to wade in here with a NBTA, the way I see it is this. The sister had no right to call her selfish however from what I understand she went into that conversation with the best intentions. No its not her place however if someone in your family had an issue with a relationship would you not talk to them and their partner to see if there was something that could be done, especially after being married and part of the family for so long or would you just happily cut them lose? On the other side the wife is fully within her right to walk away from the relationship especially as they had clearly stated they didn't want to have children she may be doing him a favour by walking away as folk have pointed out nobody wants to have a parent who resents them however she may find that after a while things change and she may come to love the child however again this is a massive and difficult choice and if she chooses to leave then she is perfectly allowed to
The father is doing what he should do, stepping up to the plate and dealing with a consequence of an action. I can't comment much on this part purely because there's no information on what happened that night. Did he use contraception, was it a drunken one night stand, I only hope that down the line he doesn't grow resentful because of this. Lastly the main victim of this situation is the child, he's been brought into this world. The mother has died which is traumatic enough, hes now been passed to a stranger who he has to accept as his father. This new family he's entered has essentially been broken apart because of him and honestly that's an awful feeling that will stay with him for the rest of this life. I feel sorry for all parties involved particularly the child and honestly I don't feel the need to assign an a*****e to this one
Load More Replies... It seems like OP hasn’t mentioned the fact that this was sister’s only recourse feeling the way she does. It was her husband who decided to raise the child rather than giving him up for adoption or trying to find a better place for him. I highly doubt the boy’s maternal grandma was literally his only other living relative, but the husband made it clear that he has changed his mind about not wanting a child, and some of the sister’s decision to leave may also be partially based on that betrayal of a promise he made to her and the throwing away of the life they planned together. Either way it’s her decision, not OP’s.
If she wants to be child free and is welling to separate from her husband over something he didn't know about he is better off. No matter how you look at it she is being selfish but that is her right. She loves her freedom over trying to compromise and make it work her right to ask to separated but dont praise her like some saint that is doing what is right cause she isn't. When you get married you promise to look out and care for each other it isn't about just you anymore its about both of you. Call it slavery or stupid all you want doesn't change that she is walking out on someone she said she would love thru thick in thin cause of something beyond their control there is more then one a*****e in this story.
Sister and her entire family are the AHs. It sux for everyone involved as 3 lives are ruined but that is no reason for her to take a bullet for the kid and her husband. It's not her responsibility to sacrifice her life so the husband and kid can maintain theirs. If the sister is so concerned about the situation then let her marry the ex-husband and play stepmom.
While my heart goes out to the kid and the husband, I really feel like the sister is being a real A-hole. The choice the wife made was not an easy one. It took a lot for her to leave the man she loved and thought she would grow old with. She did the right thing. I have seen too many people stay in a relationship where the step kids/ex-wife/in-laws made the situation miserable for everyone and it never seems to end well. Better to move on than live in misery for years. Besides, raising someone else's kid when you didn't even want your own is a recipe for disaster.
He should have at least told her it's possible that he has a child somewhere. I'm curious to know how the grandmother had all of his contact information yet he knew nothing about the mother.
If it wasn't a sudden accident, the mother would have had time to communicate who the father was.
Load More Replies... I love how the last part of bored panda is "ambiguous story right??" And preceding that is every single comment stating "YTA" lol it's not ambiguous at all is BP???
It is her right to leave and be child free. She did not sign up for this. However, something tells me that this will be a decision she regrets down the road.
Why don't they try a different sort of relationship, like living apart together? If they still love each other, why leave like that? He could raise his child, the family can sometimes look after the child and she would have no parental role. A helpful, supportive conversation would have been much better.
I'm not going to judge the wife for leaving. She was clear about her intentions. In the end it will probably be the best for the child and the father. Maybe its just me but, she could have left the dog. Whether it was her dog or not she's an adult. The kid probably became very attached to the dog and that seems very spiteful to me. Maybe a dig at the husband for turning her world upside down. People do strange things when relationships start to break up. Watched my parents marriage implode before my eyes when I was nine. Not entertaining and leaves scares. Hopefully they can all recover and move on.
People also consider their pets to be best buddies/children/family members, so kinda strange to leave it when she had the dog even before having the husband just to please a child that known it for less than a year. You ever had a dog?
Load More Replies... I can't say I think very well of this woman's sister. What this story really shows is that every child needs both parents in their lives. If the boy's mother had done the right thing and told the husband he was going to be a father, his wife would never have married him which in this case would have been for the best.
When your a child in a situation like this or a variation, it is SO hard on the child. My mom was 6 months pregnant when she and my dad got married. She loved me as much as she able, but it was pretty obvious that she loved my brothers and sister a lot more than she loved me. Just one example, my medical needs fell under "benign neglect".I wasn't deliberately neglected, but unless I had a broken bone or bleeding that wouldn't stop, I had to take care of it on my own.
I've friends who agreed not to have children together. He had 3 from a prior marriage & was adamant he didn't want more. Over the yrs (apprx 10) she had a change of heart & wanted @ least one child. He then got a vasectomy & they split up shortly thereafter. Actually it was really hard for me to take a side. Yet another reason not to marry young.
Oh the poor kid. If the family wants the kid and the marriage to stay together maybe one of them could take him? Maybe the family should arrange itself for her sake instead of expecting her to change herself for them. It’s actually a really sad situation that’s being made worse by convention. Poor kid.
Huh, I'm quite surprised by people's reactions. Like, what if, instead of a surprise child, something else would happened? Like, I don't know, something more drastic i.e. the guy would became quadriplegic. She could also say "This is not what I signed up for!" and bail? And you would need to keep it for yourself and be supportive? I never knew one could be so selective with wedding vows. "I'll support you as long as it is convenient for me."
NTA My mind is blown away by everyone's comments. This woman married a good man and is now rejecting him for being a good man. She agreed to stay married to him through his times and bad. Also, the situation described by the OP was a gentle and loving attempt to point out her sister was wrong, not a confrontation where her intent was simply to shame, judge and yell. Lastly, the sister will not be happy with this decision in the long wrong. She will regret ending a happy healthy marriage with a man she loves over this issue. Days, weeks, months, years and DECADES from now she will have significant regret, and must likely, shame and self loathing if she carries out this separation and divorce. I absolutely applaud the OP for doing the correct and very loving thing by confronting her sister. She's trying to love her sister in a healthy and constructive way. DEFINITELY NTA
You are literally saying she and her opinion doesn't matter, she can kill herself for all you care, as long as she stays with hubby. F-ing yikes forced parnting/marriage. Wonder if you're talking about regret from own experience but newsflash - everyone reacts differently to situations. Thanks for applauding OP who said the family cares for hubby and child and not about her opinion so she should stay.
Load More Replies... Woman who's divorcing her husband is an absolute c**t I have no idea how people are defending her
First she has every right to leave, but she's still the AH. Here's a situation with a little boy that lost everything, had his whole world flipped upside down. Spends a year with this AH stepmom thinking he might have something stable again, but wrong she leaves and when she leaves she takes the god damn dog too. WTF, i don't care if it was hers first or not. This little guy lost everything, and not only is she hurting him and his father in this way but she rips the dog away as well. I don't care if she wanted kids or not, to not only leave and then take the dog what a self centered selfish AH. She should have at least realized what the loss of not only her, but the dog to the boy would be. If she wanted to leave and not be a major major AH, she should have left the dog too. Just sayin.
Adobt the kid and buy him a dog. Dogs are like family members to people, you not gonna leave your best buddy/family member with a 6yo kid that known it for less than a year. And you say it's her dog but guilt trip her to leave it. Just saying, you the Ah.
Load More Replies... Does anyone care about the impact this is having on the little boy? He didn’t ask for any of this either and yet now he is suffering yet another loss, a beloved pet, that the wife had every right to but it’s still another loss for the boy, and he is feeling guilt due to the fact that his mere existence has caused the breakup of his biological father’s marriage. All of the adults in this nightmare need to get their collective heads out of their a**es and start acting like adults instead of self-involved jerks. I agree that it appears that the wife evidently does not love her husband enough to try to make this work. Fine. This child is better off without her. Yes, parenting is difficult, but life is difficult. I think the sister had a right to speak her mind. Life is all about choices and living with the results. These adults need to grow up and have some concern for the most vulnerable person in this situation, the little boy. Or is that too much to ask.
Imagine the depression he'd feel if she'd stay and hate him.
Load More Replies... Why do people like this even get married? Not judging but…Why say your vows if you don’t mean them? Like what if something happened to him? I didn’t sign up to be married to a paraplegic, sorry I’m out. Yeah she has every right to leave I guess but…. You promised you wouldn’t?
You are judging. You are judging her decision to walk away from a relationship the devolved into a deal-breaker. If the guy became a paraplegic and she walked you would have a valid point. But, she said kids was the deal-breaker, not plegia.
Load More Replies... I can understand not wanting to take on the responsibility. Her choice. But, she is a bit of a scumbag for abandoning the "man she loves" to deal with this on his own. He had no choice, but that's the way it is. Regardless, he's the GOAT for stepping up.
Her choice to not want to take on the responsibility, but she's a scumbag to leave because she didn't want to take on the responsibility? Right.
Load More Replies... I'm sorry but the OP's sister is giving up on their marriage to the man she loves just because he had a child HE did not know about. That seems pretty selfish to me! Because you only get one chance at finding your soulmate, and a lot of people spend their whole lives looking for theirs. She just didn't want to grow up and be responsible, based on what she said "I can't watch adult TV shows all day." Really, that's pretty immature if you ask me. I think he got lucky her filing for a divorce, so he can find a more mature, respectful woman.
I don't believe that you are the a******. You don't have to agree with what your sister is doing. See she gets a choice, the little guy doesn't. And if everybody in your family loves him and thinks he's great, why don't you just ask if you can "adopt" him in a sense as nephew. It really stinks to be part of the extended family that loves somebody and invites them into your family and then has to deal with them being kicked out because your sister or your brother decides they're not going to be married anymore. She's going to have to put on her big girl panties and suck it up if you guys want to keep him in your family.
I don't think you're the a******. I think you have a right to your opinion. And if everybody loves that little boy except for your sister then ask if he can stay a part of your guys's lives. We don't always have to agree with what our brothers and sisters decide to do with their lives. And I know it'll create a wedge between you and your sister but when you guys are just about ready to die, what do you want to say about your life and how you lived it? The people in your life that you affected and that affected you are the most important things- not your job not how many places you've adventured to.
We live in such a selfish world where we treat love as a service that is provided and can be traded just as easily. The OP's sister wasn't in love with the man, just the lifestyle. The OP has a great moral compass, and for all of you sending her your negative opinions over, check your own morals.
Op's sister has a great moral compass, she should marry that guy then and raise the kid. Problem solved.
Load More Replies... It really just shows how weak there love / dedication was to one another. Sorry but if something unexpectedly happen in my marriage I wouldn't just say we need a divorce. Yes it's her choice to stay or not and maybe I take the married thing about death do you part little to seriously. Me personally I would not attempt to get married again tbh if this one fails but the husband in this scenario might think differently. The OP has the right to voice her opinion because it does effect the whole family. EVERYONE can voice there opinion and if you get mad at that then you need to evaluate yourself.
Not the a*****e, but probably best if the selfish b***h does divorce the guy. If you not only are too self centered to take care of a child that has lost it's mother AND you take the dog (assuming the dog was nicer to the kid than the selfish woman), both father and son would have been miserable with her there. I just hope she doesn't try to take every thing they have. She sounds like the type.
Go raise the kid and buy him a dog. Problem solved.
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Idk if the kid was a deal breaker, she should have walked away from the get go, the second they found out about the kid- instead of becoming a (step) parent in this child's life. This child has already lost a parent, now they got another parental figure walking away. There's lots of men who absolutely don't want kids, take precautions, and still end up with a pregnant partner, but they're villians if they step out. She's no different🤷♀️
There are people saying almost a year she gave trying to make it work isn't long enough, you're saying she should have walked away directly. Make up your mind people. Also, it's nit her child to even worry about to begin with, she isn't that partner that ended up pregnant.
Load More Replies... People on here making comments about this man and his son his wife childhood must have really suck for her to not want children you can tell her parents didn't give her a lot of attention when she was a kid and so I guess she made that choice to say I'm not having kids so I can get all the attention from my husband that I didn't get when she was growing up if the husband can adjust to it why couldn't she because she was selfish and complaining about little minor things and when the husband moved on and find someone that really loves him and his child she going to be on the outside looking in saying I wish I would have tried a little harder to love this little boy
There are a billion reasons to not want children, but you picked the one that guilt trips her.
Load More Replies... It amazes me how selfish people are nowadays. I have 2 kids. One was planned (the first) the second wasn't. Raising the first one was so hard, both my wife and I didn't want to have anymore kids. But surprise! She got pregnant again due to a contraceptive failure. But even though we didn't want the situation, we had him. Raising him was much harder than our first child, but we delt with it. Sometimes things happen in life that are hard and we have to deal with them. This woman is willing to devastate her husband and his child because it is too hard. If she truly loved her husband she would do anything for him. Life isn't always easy. Kids aren't kids forever. They grow up and start their own lives.
This is completely different and you know it. You and your wife CHOSE to have children. Regardless of how hard it was, those children were your responsibility to raise because they were YOURS. This woman specifically chose not to have kids, and had this situation thrust upon her against her will. Would you feel the same if someone dumped a 6 year old on your doorstep that was your wife's child with another man, whom you knew nothing about?
Load More Replies... I don’t think YTA, it’s just a shitty situation. I get that she didn’t plan on having kids or wanting one but sometimes life has a way of making the choice for you. That being said, her divorcing her husband is her choice and if that’s what she wants then it’s her life. I think it hurts now but they will all be better off in the future. I understand your sister is in some ways being selfish but in other ways shes just forging her own path and not feeling obligated to take on a responsibility she didn’t agree/want. I feel bad for the boy but he will be stronger for it and life will go on. 🤷🏼♀️
I don't feel that you're an a****** in this situation yes you did put your sister over to the side and had a conversation with her I feel your sisters are very selfish person because she could have talked to silver with her husband and she has to understand he was just put in a position that he didn't even know about and not only that the child has just lost his mother now to come and find love with your sister and then she breaks his heart she's a very selfish person and I can't understand how people think that you're an a****** now this is just my opinion and I totally agree with you and your family all the way your sister is very selfish person
Yes, she should have stayed and just hated the kid because apparently that wouldn't have broken his heart.
Load More Replies... So disgusted after seeing this & mostly from the comments. I hope none of those backing the wife seeking divorce EVER Marry! You're all to weak, disloyal, & Spineless to ever think you'll be able to stay with someone for better or worse, sickness & health, til death do you part! No way any of them could make it thru the challenges life throws at a couple. So save some of the few whom marriage still means what it's supposed to & just don't do it!! Poor kid & Dad! I hope that Lady never finds a good loyal partner again!!
She has every right to do this and I have every right to call her a F*****G C**T. Let that b***h go off and die alone
Children are innocent. It's not their fault. I'm happy that the little boy's mother choice to have the baby. And to hear that she passed away. It's making me cry. The little boy has a great dad, to do what he did. And for his wife just gives up on him and the son. To me it's not right at all. She needs therapy. To the dad, you're amazing dad. Keep loving your son and keep doing what you're doing. I'm hoping that your wife will change her mind about divorcing you. I have a son. It took us 9 1/2 years to have a baby boy. He's 19 now. I can't imagine life without him. We love him soo much. I admire your son's mom she chose "LIFE" your son is so special keep LOVING him. This is what she will want also.
His sons mother is a piece of s**t, what are you talking about you "admire" her? She kept the boy from his father for 6 years, she never told him he had a son, she's a lying b***h and absolutely does not deserve praise for bringing a child into the world without telling his father he exists. He had a right to know he has a child. This entire horrible situation, which is likely going to be extremely damaging for this little boy, is the direct consequence of her stupid actions. It's literally her fault this little boy is in this situation. She's not worthy of admiration of any sort.
Load More Replies... NTA Ohhhh... Boohoo, she can't watch "ADULT" shows all day long.... Psssttt get a "JOB"!!! Obviously, she doesn't "LOVE" her husband and just wants to be able to play all day while he does "ADULT" things, like work and be a father... I let my wife move her son, 31, daughter, 34, her husband and 2 granddaughters 6 and 9 and 3 malamutes in "MY" house... Not always thrilled about it but that's called marriage and sometimes personal sacrifices have to be made...FYI I was adopted by a family because my real mom got pregnant by a man who to this day, 57 years, has no clue I exist...Grow up and STOP being a selfish b...h and show compassion to a little boy who didn't "ASK" to screw up "YOUR" life....
She has a job, Patrick, learn to read. And learn to understand that everyone reacts differently. Also, not everyone would want to have people living in their house lol. She said she hated the boy so she would have hated him if she stayed, get that through your thick skull. You want him, go raise him yourself and move him to your house.
Load More Replies... Why get married for the best or the worst, what an idiot. People like that should be aborted. She's a selfish c u n t.
Her heart ache doesn't matter too apparently. All that matters are fuctive vows.
Load More Replies... She said no kids, why are you holding against her? 😂🤣
Load More Replies... We don't have orphanages in the US, we have foster care, which is a crapshoot. The good ones are fine but the bad ones are really bad. Kids over 5 rarely get adopted.
Load More Replies... So, she should stay and be a resentful step mom? That sounds so much better. Not everyone wants kids. Nobody should be forced to be a parent against their will, no matter what reason.
Load More Replies... We don't know the vows that these people took, not having children could have been in there. Sounds like that was a mutual decision before they married
Load More Replies... She is not that child's mother. She is not obligated to provide for him, not did she choose for him to show up. Also, that mindset is why there are so many children who are raised by parents who don't want them and suffer for it. She is as innocent as the child is.
Load More Replies... I am in a relationship, have been for 30 something years. We do not have children. So, you can't be in a relationship unless you want children?
Load More Replies... So, it's better for her to be a resentful stepparent and for the boy to be raised by someone who does not want him?
Load More Replies... You are doing a lot of projecting. Not wanting to be a parent does not make someone immature.
Load More Replies... I like how you bring the "for better or worse" vow. So, if this were reversed, would you expect him to stay and raise a kid he didn't want? Or would it be okay for him to bail?
Load More Replies... In the long run, if she can't be a good mother to that child, it's best that she bowed out now. People who feel forced to be parents often take it out on the child, even without meaning to.
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