Sister RSVPs ‘No’ To Her Own Brother’s Wedding Because It’s Way Too Expensive, Asks The Internet If She Was A Jerk
Let’s face facts, Pandas, weddings are expensive. When you start counting up all the gorgeous things you want to see at your celebration of love—from the floral arrangements to the fairy lights in the trees—you might realize that you should’ve started saving a few years earlier. However, we usually hear about the expenses, the lavishness, and the budgeting opportunities from the marrying couple’s point of view. It’s time to take a peek at how costly things can get for the guests to attend.
A redditor revealed to the AITA online community why she decided to RSVP ‘no’ to her brother and sister-in-law’s wedding, and it’s a real peek behind the scenes into how money problems can test even the strongest family relationships. Read on for the OP’s full story, how internet users reacted, and then tell us whether you think the woman was right or wrong to refuse to attend her brother’s out-of-state wedding.
Weddings can be expensive to organize, but they’re also costly to attend. Especially if the happy couple is very demanding
Image credits: cottonbro (not the actual photo)
A woman, who is very close to her brother, shared why she decided to skip his wedding. It all came down to her sister-in-law’s behavior
Image credits: Budgeron Bach (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Other-Bid-2350
The wedding services industry is absolutely massive. In the United States alone, the market size of the industry was a whopping $57.9 billion in 2022. However, in recent years, it’s shrunk a bit. Over the past 5 years, the size of the industry has actually declined by 6.3%. However, this year, it has grown by 2.1% so far. The Covid-19 pandemic has definitely made its impact over the past couple of years, however, it doesn’t explain the drop from 2017 till 2019.
The flight, the gifts, the new clothes… not to mention all the ‘freebies’ that the bride-to-be demanded of the OP, they all added up. So much so that the redditor decided to be true to her feelings and not attend the wedding. It was simply not worth the expense to her. Especially considering her sister-in-law’s [cough cough] peculiar behavior when it came to throwing some of the prep expenses her way.
The AITA community was very sympathetic to the author of the post. In their opinion, the happy couple was acting a tad too entitled. It was also a mystery why the OP wasn’t invited to the bride or groom parties, considering the number of requests for help. It’s all just very odd. And the entire situation suggests that the bride might have wanted an incredibly lavish, fairytale-like wedding, but may not have actually had the means to make her wish come true. Either that or there are some very confusing feelings and low-key resentment that she has towards her husband’s sister.
According to a study done by The Knot, the average cost of being a wedding guest in 2021 was $460, roughly $30 more than in 2019.
If the wedding was local, the cost came down to just $270. However, those driving out of town could end up spending as much as $660 on average… though that pales in comparison to guests who had to fly: they spent an average of $1,270. Meanwhile, wedding gifts (a part of all of these calculations), cost roughly $160.
Keep in mind that things are bound to get even more expensive as worries about inflation and rising prices continue to haunt, well, pretty much everyone. But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness of occasions like weddings. We all just need to be more creative and flexible in how we approach things, both as guests and as those tying the knot.
The OP shared some more of her thoughts in the comments of her post
Meanwhile, here’s how other people felt about the family drama
NTA. "You're overreacting" is obvious minimization and dismissal of your feelings. It's their special day, not yours, personally i would've been much less patient.
You said it! Minimization at best... complete disregard, is more like it.
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If its a destination wedding, the gift is people attending. You dont expect gifts on top of that
One thing I keep saying to people: you are in no way obligated to ANYONE for any reason unless you choose to be
In my country (Italy) the bride and groom are expected to pay for their guests (reception, dinner).
It's so weird that ppl have to pay so much. In Holland it's okay to say we rather get 20 euro as a gift than some vase we don't need, but the ones who throw the party pay and if you're lucky and keep it cheap, you get the money back from the gifts.
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I'm surprised the family is on the brother's side on this. My brother had three elaborate weddings for marriages that all ended in divorce. My wedding was me, my sister, my aunt and my husbands best friend. Spur of the moment. We just celebrated 32 years of marriage. When will people get it through their head that a wedding and marriage isn't about all the frill and beauty but about two people that are devoted to each other. I see brother and bridezilla's marriage ending in divorce. She's right not to waste the money on it.
I thought it said that OP's parents were unhappy with the demanding invite
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NTA. They were taking advantage of you. They have a lot of nerve setting the terms on the minimum amount the gift can be.
NTA, it is something self-entitled or narcistic people have trouble understanding their entire lifetime, but they do not get to decide how others spend their money.
Stick by your guns, dont go to the wedding and invest your 'gift' money on a retainer for a good divorce lawyer for your brother. He's gonna need it in the near future when he finally gets a clue about the woman he's marrying. Word.
Nope!! Don't pay for a thing!! Spend the money on you and your husband~~you know, a nice party!
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It won’t be worth going to this wedding, or even contributing any more time, effort, and money to it. Because I see a divorce coming, when your brother comes back down to earth and his blinders finally come off—-which I would say will happen within a year or so, unless she manages to have a baby to try and tie him to her—-and sees his wife for the narcissistic b***h she really is.
my nephew scheduled his wedding at an expensive top resort in the Caribbean. Each guest was going to have to pay as much as $2000 to get there & stay the long weekend. I was between jobs at the time, so I excused myself (no money/low funds at the time), but asked if I could still get an invitation to the reception back in his hometown after they got back. No invitation even after a second request. Fine, no present for them. He still won't have anything to do with me. Fine, one more snotty relative specifically disinherited.
If you're engaged to someone who cares more about the wedding than the marriage, run. Run far. Run fast.
I will never understand why a SIL thinks they are so entitled to being a bridesmaid. I actually was pretty relieved my husband has only brothers, did not want to deal with that.
I'm glad we don't have grown up bridesmaids. You have flower girls or boys, pages. My sister's baby wore a tuxedo and looked cute. That was it.
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Two different couples I know had a rather nice solution. Couple A had a big religious wedding in the bride's country of origin and a smaller civil wedding in the husband's country (where the couple now live). Couple B had a destination wedding and later, a wedding in their home.
Soooo NTA! Should be about the MARRIAGE, not the wedding. I give them two years, tops!
Our wedding was parents only, two weeks' notice, to be kept a secret and cost £200. It will 29 years ago in October.
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It's boundary tiiiiiiiiiiiime!! To simply expect w/o discussing is a recipe for disappointment & OP isn't really responsible for her soon-to-be SIL's emotional status. Sometimes when you take care of yourself you don't look good- sounds like this is the case for OP. I'd rx sendin a gift o' one's choice ( or simply well-wishes ) & then civilly keep this woman at arm's length for a long while.
The only way I'd consider OP to be "TA" has to do with the fact that the word "No" is a complete sentence. OP could've just said, "Sorry, can't make it," without trying to put a value judgment on it. Having said that, it's pretty clear, as others have already said, that SIL is a user and a taker, and Brother's gonna have his hands full unless/until he snaps out of it.
OP probably said No but brother wouldn't leave it alone which is most likely the reason OP gave him that answer.
Load More Replies... If someone walks out on their financial obligation and the business tries to stick you with it, tell them they have a choice: you can offer to give them the contact info of the person who walked out, or walk the fvck out because theyres not a dog damn thing they can do unless you were stupid enough to sign something accepting said financial responsibility.
I would go to the wedding, but I’d stay in a hotel I could afford, buy them a gift I could afford, and wear a dress I could afford. If that upsets them, then so be it. The point is that you were there. Btw: your brother, who you’ve indicated is a good man whom you’ve always looked up to, needs to think about his decision to marry this person. My brother nor my sister would’ve never have allowed someone to do that to me.
I truly hope that SIL grows up because girtllll you in for a nightmare ride being related to that one. Stand your ground and do not go into debt for your brothers big day and he shiuld not expect it from you. He sounds very henpecked. They gonna end up with a handful of guests. Let your no be a SOLID no.
What a difficult situation to be in. The happy couple should be considering if their guests can afford to attend or not, if they want guests that is. I don’t get these people that just presume and take advantage of other people. It would never occur to me to make someone pay for my whims. Time to cut her off.
My daughter was matron of honor in six weddings one year and the cost was staggering!! ( Before Covid). I pointed out to her that two of these women while being work friends, basically picked her because they knew she was the lady who would cough up her own expensive dress, and expensive gift,and basically plan an awesome wedding for free. I've watched her get used this way several times before. I suggested,( and seriously, she does have a wedding wardrobe of dresses to absolutely die for), that the next time someone who she REALLY was on the fence about saying yes to bring in the wedding, that once she heard their colors, simply suggest they see if one of her dresses would suffice and sort of test the waters. She's the kind of person who would think this is a cool idea on her part btw. It worked! I'm not talking about sibs, but the ones who use people. If you won't at least consider it, forget it. ( Needless to say she would have bought a new 1)
Why are people spending money on a wedding they should instead be investing into a house, you know, that thing that you actually have to use everyday, the one that shelters you from the weather, the one you will raise your family in (kids or not). Good on her for not going. No point going into debt for a stupid wedding when she didn't even show any appreciation from the start. I give the marriage a few years.
NTA OP. Stay with your decision to not attend. The entitlement of SIL bridezilla and the enablement by your brother tells it's own story. Going into debt and being an ATM for both is arrogance and truly intolerable. You are clearly being mistreated and dismissed by them. The rest of the family's input has no relevance in your life. Stay the course and be true to yourself and respectful of your husband's financial well being too. I admire your stability of character.
NTA OP. After one year of dating your brother, SIL basically insisted on being in your wedding. Seems to me, weddings are really important to her, she should have been saving for her own. Your AH SIL is spoiled and entitled and your AH brother is not only enabling her, he's expecting you to as well. Wether you can afford to pay her random wedding things +hotel, travel and possible time off work is irrelevant. You did not agree to or volunteer financial aid. You told them the truth. It's not worth the expense and if you change your mind and attend, they'll probably request your assistance to help serve dinner. Spend that time for a little self care. You don't deal with drama very well and should destress from their toxicity. Good luck 🖤
NTA, at all. My oldest niece is getting married in August, 2000 miles away and the ONLY reason my mom and I are going is because my wonderful and generous SIL has made all the arrangements and understands that we will pay her back when we can. Without her, there's no way we would be able to go and I know my niece would understand. OP's extended family is definitely overreacting and not taking her feelings into account, or they're just ignoring her feelings and what she's provided for them already. If the latter is the case, then this doesn't sound like a family I would want to be a part of.
Oh and to put a price on the gifts ? What the hell is that all about? You get what you get and too bad if it's not within your dollar amount. The gall of some people.
These stories are so extreme that the answer is conclusively NTA. we need more stories where its more controversial or has more nuance. I'm starting to skip reading these cuz they are never the ah. Give me an ESH, even.
Op doesn't have to participate in their a**holery, though. People can ask whatever they want but, if travel expenses aren't a deal breaker, OP always has the option to do something different than what's being asked. For example, OP could rent a (much cheaper) dress, either make a gift or buy something not off the registry that's in her budget, stay at a different hotel in a cheaper part of town, etc. I'm certainly not saying I condone them for asking for these things, it is definitely a bit much, or that OP should go. I'm just pointing out there are a lot of options in-between going and plunking down that much money or not attending. You can set boundaries and show the love it doesn't have to be either/or.
EEESH to me. The SIL is the total AH in my opinion, but I don't understand why OP can't say anything and just refuse to assist when especially they were being rude to begin with. There's a line between being respectful and being a coward. OP is on a thin line, although I'm a full on aggressive person and enjoy confrontation, and OP may be the opposite so I get it. But you can't put a price on a family, that's how we raised and everything mentioned doesn't sound expensive or extravagant to me. OP is NTA but needs to grow a back bone.
I just don't get this at all. I'm getting married this year in October. Its not a cheap wedding but it's not expensive either. I have however, paid half of the expense of myaid if honours room for the evening as I'd rather her stay and enjoy the day than worry about how she's getting home and stuff. We also have told people that we do not expect any gifts, just them. I would never demand anything of my wedding party or guests, especially when it comes to expense/gifts. Its ridiculous!
I decided on a very small (20 people including us!) destination wedding in Hawaii. It was just immediate family and close friends. I wanted it to be more of a chance for all of us to take a vacation together. I told everyone we invited that no one was obligated to come and we wouldn't be offended or upset and we weren't. I'm all for the small wedding! We celebrated 21 years this month!
He wanted you to ASK to be part of the wedding, then GOT OFFENDED when you DIDN'T come? NTA OP. N. T. A.
My response to wedding invitations is always No. I just don't care about weddings or all the b******t surrounding them. Watching paint dry isore entertaining. As a photographer * was paid handsomely for the professional photos, but as a guest? Forget it.
NTA Although, as others have mentioned "can't afford it" would have been a LOT more diplomatic than "not worth it". An Important Life Lesson Someone tells you "no" don't ask "why not?". Those conversations never end well
NTA. it's so sad though. Woman seems controlling as I'm not seeing the special sibling relationship here you speak of. She runs his life now
I seem to be in the minority here, but I would try to go to the wedding for the sake of the brother and parents, at least. She can say no to the other requests from the SIL
NTA. My niece got married last year in Florida we live in Kentucky she was getting married at a resort in a beautiful area that was out of budget for us. We have three kids so there’s five of us and there was no way we could afford to go to our wedding out of state let alone for a week. I would honestly be asking for them to reimburse me for the things that they pushed on me to pay for without asking. And they need to learn what boundaries are.
The furthest I've flown for a wedding was from Europe to South Africa. Stayed with family so the only real expense were the flights, which weren't that bad. Hell no to mandatory stay at a luxury hotel.
If you can't afford to go then you dod right by saying no. Saying it "wasn't worth it" is harsh and will forever effect your relationship with your family member. Saying that.. they are so wrong. The bridal party or brides family should of gone with her to taste cake, not you. There should be gift on the registry in different price ranges for guests to choose and if not then a gift of your means can be bought thats not on the registry. Or a card stating your gift was the cake tasting in your case. As to traveling. If it's not possible then thats it. Your no was justified. Whats odd was that your brother didn't offer you to help pay to go. Or the fact they were planning a wedding that they themselves possibly can't afford and expect others to either fund or go bankrupt trying to attend. They are out of touch with reality and the bride needs a talking to after the wedding and knocked off her pedestal. I put it out there from A to B about how mad you were.
There are so many cultural expectations here that are completely alien to me! No wonder it gets expensive, with all these expectations! But in general - according to what I believed to be common sense - you adjust the expenses to your wedding to your guests and personal finances. In destination weddings you arrange accommodation and meals. If you are unable to foot the bill, you request the guests to contribute financially INSTEAD of with a gift. And you compromise location and lavishness with number of invitees. Weddings are about goodwill and transitions. You don't want to burn out your entire social network's goodwill on a single day
NTA!! Call your bro and apologize. Explain that, in the moment, you worded yourself insensitively. Tell him you'd love to be there for them on their special day.. then put the ball into their court: say going would be no issue if you could afford it, but given your budget and how much you've already contributed, [including the dress your SIL still hasn't reimbursed you for (when she insisted on being a bridesmaid when you didn't want/need the expense of having any)] that you just don't have enough to add the additional expenses associated with attending. Add that, while your attendance is as important to you as it is to them, if they can comp your flight and hotel room, as well as arrange transportation to and from the airport, that you'll confirm receipt of the itinerary, and be at their wedding with bells on. Btw... given your history with SIL and the importance of the occasion, your SIL should have asked you to be part of her wedding party. You are DEF NTA!!!
A relative of mine had an extravagant island wedding, and my parents - who at that time were a young couple with a small child (me) and not much money in the bank - didn't attend for obvious reasons. And the marriage only lasted a couple of years anyway, which I think they both suspected would be the case, because she had a history of rushing into marriages which never lasted very long. (There's a happy ending, though - she learned her lesson, met the guy who was right for her at last, and is happily married to this day).
Hahaha NTA. My brother just got engaged and he and his fiancé have significantly more money than my partner and I. Every time I’ve been asked to be involved in any way, they fit the bill and are just grateful to have me there. I contribute in other ways, an just want to be as helpful as I can be. That’s family.
I'm so glad that all my "no" RSVPs have resulted in no longer being invited to anyone's stupid wedding.
I'm so glad that all my "No" RSVPs have led to people no longer inviting me to their stupid weddings.
People who spend five or six figures on a wedding are damned fools. My wife and I got married at the courthouse for $35. Our marriage has lasted, and will continue to do so. Most couples that foolishly spend tens of thousands on a wedding won't be together a year later. And anytime who invited me to a wedding and expected me to spend a dime on it would get a quick "no'" in response, and would be dumped as a friend, on the spot.
I said this before: There's a reason why so many of these threads are about a wedding.
NTA. Your invitation should have had no expectancy of cost considering you already paid for stuff.
She shouldnt feel bad at all Her brothers next wife may not be a goldiging b***h and will have a sensable wedding
Doesn't anyone follow the rules anymore? Usually the brides parents are the ones stuck with the bills. But if not then they should pay for it themselves to the extent that they can afford. Sure it's a special day but come on people, this is asking way too much. Pay for it yourselves.
I'm curious as to if this Lady has a lot of money and if it's just expected that she will chip in anyway. I do think it's rude that she's not been asked to be a bridesmaid in return for her making her sister-in-law to be one. There's no mention of her parents having to pay towards the wedding, I know in the UK, the brides family is expected to pay for all costs. Also I can't see mentioned how much she has actually paid to date towards things after feeling obligated to pay for the cake sampling etc. She can always go without a gift and say that her gift was the money she had already paid out for them. I had a destination wedding to get away from everyone trying to 'organise' and 'take over' our special day, where only very close relatives came, we then threw A party once home with no expectations on gifts etc. edited to say our Destination wedding was Gretna Green in Scotland, so not a tropical paradise on the other side of the world lol
...doesn't matter.....all of you will now have uncomfortable and awkward relationships moving forward and it'll never be the same for you and your brother.....so sad.....
NTA. In my opinion it’s a celebration between the people who marry and their loved ones. Everyone should be able to afford to attend the wedding. I know it is different between cultures so other people’s opinions might vary. The only thing I would have been honest about was that I couldn’t afford it. That you were trying to tell them when your SIL let you pay for everything. That they probably didn’t think about it because they are well-of. That you still want to attend but only if they want to chip in.
Yes YTA, its your brothers wedding, do you not love him? It's a once in a lifetime thing, make a vacation of it. You don't have to buy an extremely expensive dress or something from registry. Just get them a gift card for $50 to the stores they like and be done
NTA. "You're overreacting" is obvious minimization and dismissal of your feelings. It's their special day, not yours, personally i would've been much less patient.
You said it! Minimization at best... complete disregard, is more like it.
Load More Replies... If its a destination wedding, the gift is people attending. You dont expect gifts on top of that
One thing I keep saying to people: you are in no way obligated to ANYONE for any reason unless you choose to be
In my country (Italy) the bride and groom are expected to pay for their guests (reception, dinner).
It's so weird that ppl have to pay so much. In Holland it's okay to say we rather get 20 euro as a gift than some vase we don't need, but the ones who throw the party pay and if you're lucky and keep it cheap, you get the money back from the gifts.
Load More Replies... I'm surprised the family is on the brother's side on this. My brother had three elaborate weddings for marriages that all ended in divorce. My wedding was me, my sister, my aunt and my husbands best friend. Spur of the moment. We just celebrated 32 years of marriage. When will people get it through their head that a wedding and marriage isn't about all the frill and beauty but about two people that are devoted to each other. I see brother and bridezilla's marriage ending in divorce. She's right not to waste the money on it.
I thought it said that OP's parents were unhappy with the demanding invite
Load More Replies... NTA. They were taking advantage of you. They have a lot of nerve setting the terms on the minimum amount the gift can be.
NTA, it is something self-entitled or narcistic people have trouble understanding their entire lifetime, but they do not get to decide how others spend their money.
Stick by your guns, dont go to the wedding and invest your 'gift' money on a retainer for a good divorce lawyer for your brother. He's gonna need it in the near future when he finally gets a clue about the woman he's marrying. Word.
Nope!! Don't pay for a thing!! Spend the money on you and your husband~~you know, a nice party!
Load More Replies... It won’t be worth going to this wedding, or even contributing any more time, effort, and money to it. Because I see a divorce coming, when your brother comes back down to earth and his blinders finally come off—-which I would say will happen within a year or so, unless she manages to have a baby to try and tie him to her—-and sees his wife for the narcissistic b***h she really is.
my nephew scheduled his wedding at an expensive top resort in the Caribbean. Each guest was going to have to pay as much as $2000 to get there & stay the long weekend. I was between jobs at the time, so I excused myself (no money/low funds at the time), but asked if I could still get an invitation to the reception back in his hometown after they got back. No invitation even after a second request. Fine, no present for them. He still won't have anything to do with me. Fine, one more snotty relative specifically disinherited.
If you're engaged to someone who cares more about the wedding than the marriage, run. Run far. Run fast.
I will never understand why a SIL thinks they are so entitled to being a bridesmaid. I actually was pretty relieved my husband has only brothers, did not want to deal with that.
I'm glad we don't have grown up bridesmaids. You have flower girls or boys, pages. My sister's baby wore a tuxedo and looked cute. That was it.
Load More Replies... Two different couples I know had a rather nice solution. Couple A had a big religious wedding in the bride's country of origin and a smaller civil wedding in the husband's country (where the couple now live). Couple B had a destination wedding and later, a wedding in their home.
Soooo NTA! Should be about the MARRIAGE, not the wedding. I give them two years, tops!
Our wedding was parents only, two weeks' notice, to be kept a secret and cost £200. It will 29 years ago in October.
Load More Replies... It's boundary tiiiiiiiiiiiime!! To simply expect w/o discussing is a recipe for disappointment & OP isn't really responsible for her soon-to-be SIL's emotional status. Sometimes when you take care of yourself you don't look good- sounds like this is the case for OP. I'd rx sendin a gift o' one's choice ( or simply well-wishes ) & then civilly keep this woman at arm's length for a long while.
The only way I'd consider OP to be "TA" has to do with the fact that the word "No" is a complete sentence. OP could've just said, "Sorry, can't make it," without trying to put a value judgment on it. Having said that, it's pretty clear, as others have already said, that SIL is a user and a taker, and Brother's gonna have his hands full unless/until he snaps out of it.
OP probably said No but brother wouldn't leave it alone which is most likely the reason OP gave him that answer.
Load More Replies... If someone walks out on their financial obligation and the business tries to stick you with it, tell them they have a choice: you can offer to give them the contact info of the person who walked out, or walk the fvck out because theyres not a dog damn thing they can do unless you were stupid enough to sign something accepting said financial responsibility.
I would go to the wedding, but I’d stay in a hotel I could afford, buy them a gift I could afford, and wear a dress I could afford. If that upsets them, then so be it. The point is that you were there. Btw: your brother, who you’ve indicated is a good man whom you’ve always looked up to, needs to think about his decision to marry this person. My brother nor my sister would’ve never have allowed someone to do that to me.
I truly hope that SIL grows up because girtllll you in for a nightmare ride being related to that one. Stand your ground and do not go into debt for your brothers big day and he shiuld not expect it from you. He sounds very henpecked. They gonna end up with a handful of guests. Let your no be a SOLID no.
What a difficult situation to be in. The happy couple should be considering if their guests can afford to attend or not, if they want guests that is. I don’t get these people that just presume and take advantage of other people. It would never occur to me to make someone pay for my whims. Time to cut her off.
My daughter was matron of honor in six weddings one year and the cost was staggering!! ( Before Covid). I pointed out to her that two of these women while being work friends, basically picked her because they knew she was the lady who would cough up her own expensive dress, and expensive gift,and basically plan an awesome wedding for free. I've watched her get used this way several times before. I suggested,( and seriously, she does have a wedding wardrobe of dresses to absolutely die for), that the next time someone who she REALLY was on the fence about saying yes to bring in the wedding, that once she heard their colors, simply suggest they see if one of her dresses would suffice and sort of test the waters. She's the kind of person who would think this is a cool idea on her part btw. It worked! I'm not talking about sibs, but the ones who use people. If you won't at least consider it, forget it. ( Needless to say she would have bought a new 1)
Why are people spending money on a wedding they should instead be investing into a house, you know, that thing that you actually have to use everyday, the one that shelters you from the weather, the one you will raise your family in (kids or not). Good on her for not going. No point going into debt for a stupid wedding when she didn't even show any appreciation from the start. I give the marriage a few years.
NTA OP. Stay with your decision to not attend. The entitlement of SIL bridezilla and the enablement by your brother tells it's own story. Going into debt and being an ATM for both is arrogance and truly intolerable. You are clearly being mistreated and dismissed by them. The rest of the family's input has no relevance in your life. Stay the course and be true to yourself and respectful of your husband's financial well being too. I admire your stability of character.
NTA OP. After one year of dating your brother, SIL basically insisted on being in your wedding. Seems to me, weddings are really important to her, she should have been saving for her own. Your AH SIL is spoiled and entitled and your AH brother is not only enabling her, he's expecting you to as well. Wether you can afford to pay her random wedding things +hotel, travel and possible time off work is irrelevant. You did not agree to or volunteer financial aid. You told them the truth. It's not worth the expense and if you change your mind and attend, they'll probably request your assistance to help serve dinner. Spend that time for a little self care. You don't deal with drama very well and should destress from their toxicity. Good luck 🖤
NTA, at all. My oldest niece is getting married in August, 2000 miles away and the ONLY reason my mom and I are going is because my wonderful and generous SIL has made all the arrangements and understands that we will pay her back when we can. Without her, there's no way we would be able to go and I know my niece would understand. OP's extended family is definitely overreacting and not taking her feelings into account, or they're just ignoring her feelings and what she's provided for them already. If the latter is the case, then this doesn't sound like a family I would want to be a part of.
Oh and to put a price on the gifts ? What the hell is that all about? You get what you get and too bad if it's not within your dollar amount. The gall of some people.
These stories are so extreme that the answer is conclusively NTA. we need more stories where its more controversial or has more nuance. I'm starting to skip reading these cuz they are never the ah. Give me an ESH, even.
Op doesn't have to participate in their a**holery, though. People can ask whatever they want but, if travel expenses aren't a deal breaker, OP always has the option to do something different than what's being asked. For example, OP could rent a (much cheaper) dress, either make a gift or buy something not off the registry that's in her budget, stay at a different hotel in a cheaper part of town, etc. I'm certainly not saying I condone them for asking for these things, it is definitely a bit much, or that OP should go. I'm just pointing out there are a lot of options in-between going and plunking down that much money or not attending. You can set boundaries and show the love it doesn't have to be either/or.
EEESH to me. The SIL is the total AH in my opinion, but I don't understand why OP can't say anything and just refuse to assist when especially they were being rude to begin with. There's a line between being respectful and being a coward. OP is on a thin line, although I'm a full on aggressive person and enjoy confrontation, and OP may be the opposite so I get it. But you can't put a price on a family, that's how we raised and everything mentioned doesn't sound expensive or extravagant to me. OP is NTA but needs to grow a back bone.
I just don't get this at all. I'm getting married this year in October. Its not a cheap wedding but it's not expensive either. I have however, paid half of the expense of myaid if honours room for the evening as I'd rather her stay and enjoy the day than worry about how she's getting home and stuff. We also have told people that we do not expect any gifts, just them. I would never demand anything of my wedding party or guests, especially when it comes to expense/gifts. Its ridiculous!
I decided on a very small (20 people including us!) destination wedding in Hawaii. It was just immediate family and close friends. I wanted it to be more of a chance for all of us to take a vacation together. I told everyone we invited that no one was obligated to come and we wouldn't be offended or upset and we weren't. I'm all for the small wedding! We celebrated 21 years this month!
He wanted you to ASK to be part of the wedding, then GOT OFFENDED when you DIDN'T come? NTA OP. N. T. A.
My response to wedding invitations is always No. I just don't care about weddings or all the b******t surrounding them. Watching paint dry isore entertaining. As a photographer * was paid handsomely for the professional photos, but as a guest? Forget it.
NTA Although, as others have mentioned "can't afford it" would have been a LOT more diplomatic than "not worth it". An Important Life Lesson Someone tells you "no" don't ask "why not?". Those conversations never end well
NTA. it's so sad though. Woman seems controlling as I'm not seeing the special sibling relationship here you speak of. She runs his life now
I seem to be in the minority here, but I would try to go to the wedding for the sake of the brother and parents, at least. She can say no to the other requests from the SIL
NTA. My niece got married last year in Florida we live in Kentucky she was getting married at a resort in a beautiful area that was out of budget for us. We have three kids so there’s five of us and there was no way we could afford to go to our wedding out of state let alone for a week. I would honestly be asking for them to reimburse me for the things that they pushed on me to pay for without asking. And they need to learn what boundaries are.
The furthest I've flown for a wedding was from Europe to South Africa. Stayed with family so the only real expense were the flights, which weren't that bad. Hell no to mandatory stay at a luxury hotel.
If you can't afford to go then you dod right by saying no. Saying it "wasn't worth it" is harsh and will forever effect your relationship with your family member. Saying that.. they are so wrong. The bridal party or brides family should of gone with her to taste cake, not you. There should be gift on the registry in different price ranges for guests to choose and if not then a gift of your means can be bought thats not on the registry. Or a card stating your gift was the cake tasting in your case. As to traveling. If it's not possible then thats it. Your no was justified. Whats odd was that your brother didn't offer you to help pay to go. Or the fact they were planning a wedding that they themselves possibly can't afford and expect others to either fund or go bankrupt trying to attend. They are out of touch with reality and the bride needs a talking to after the wedding and knocked off her pedestal. I put it out there from A to B about how mad you were.
There are so many cultural expectations here that are completely alien to me! No wonder it gets expensive, with all these expectations! But in general - according to what I believed to be common sense - you adjust the expenses to your wedding to your guests and personal finances. In destination weddings you arrange accommodation and meals. If you are unable to foot the bill, you request the guests to contribute financially INSTEAD of with a gift. And you compromise location and lavishness with number of invitees. Weddings are about goodwill and transitions. You don't want to burn out your entire social network's goodwill on a single day
NTA!! Call your bro and apologize. Explain that, in the moment, you worded yourself insensitively. Tell him you'd love to be there for them on their special day.. then put the ball into their court: say going would be no issue if you could afford it, but given your budget and how much you've already contributed, [including the dress your SIL still hasn't reimbursed you for (when she insisted on being a bridesmaid when you didn't want/need the expense of having any)] that you just don't have enough to add the additional expenses associated with attending. Add that, while your attendance is as important to you as it is to them, if they can comp your flight and hotel room, as well as arrange transportation to and from the airport, that you'll confirm receipt of the itinerary, and be at their wedding with bells on. Btw... given your history with SIL and the importance of the occasion, your SIL should have asked you to be part of her wedding party. You are DEF NTA!!!
A relative of mine had an extravagant island wedding, and my parents - who at that time were a young couple with a small child (me) and not much money in the bank - didn't attend for obvious reasons. And the marriage only lasted a couple of years anyway, which I think they both suspected would be the case, because she had a history of rushing into marriages which never lasted very long. (There's a happy ending, though - she learned her lesson, met the guy who was right for her at last, and is happily married to this day).
Hahaha NTA. My brother just got engaged and he and his fiancé have significantly more money than my partner and I. Every time I’ve been asked to be involved in any way, they fit the bill and are just grateful to have me there. I contribute in other ways, an just want to be as helpful as I can be. That’s family.
I'm so glad that all my "no" RSVPs have resulted in no longer being invited to anyone's stupid wedding.
I'm so glad that all my "No" RSVPs have led to people no longer inviting me to their stupid weddings.
People who spend five or six figures on a wedding are damned fools. My wife and I got married at the courthouse for $35. Our marriage has lasted, and will continue to do so. Most couples that foolishly spend tens of thousands on a wedding won't be together a year later. And anytime who invited me to a wedding and expected me to spend a dime on it would get a quick "no'" in response, and would be dumped as a friend, on the spot.
I said this before: There's a reason why so many of these threads are about a wedding.
NTA. Your invitation should have had no expectancy of cost considering you already paid for stuff.
She shouldnt feel bad at all Her brothers next wife may not be a goldiging b***h and will have a sensable wedding
Doesn't anyone follow the rules anymore? Usually the brides parents are the ones stuck with the bills. But if not then they should pay for it themselves to the extent that they can afford. Sure it's a special day but come on people, this is asking way too much. Pay for it yourselves.
I'm curious as to if this Lady has a lot of money and if it's just expected that she will chip in anyway. I do think it's rude that she's not been asked to be a bridesmaid in return for her making her sister-in-law to be one. There's no mention of her parents having to pay towards the wedding, I know in the UK, the brides family is expected to pay for all costs. Also I can't see mentioned how much she has actually paid to date towards things after feeling obligated to pay for the cake sampling etc. She can always go without a gift and say that her gift was the money she had already paid out for them. I had a destination wedding to get away from everyone trying to 'organise' and 'take over' our special day, where only very close relatives came, we then threw A party once home with no expectations on gifts etc. edited to say our Destination wedding was Gretna Green in Scotland, so not a tropical paradise on the other side of the world lol
...doesn't matter.....all of you will now have uncomfortable and awkward relationships moving forward and it'll never be the same for you and your brother.....so sad.....
NTA. In my opinion it’s a celebration between the people who marry and their loved ones. Everyone should be able to afford to attend the wedding. I know it is different between cultures so other people’s opinions might vary. The only thing I would have been honest about was that I couldn’t afford it. That you were trying to tell them when your SIL let you pay for everything. That they probably didn’t think about it because they are well-of. That you still want to attend but only if they want to chip in.
Yes YTA, its your brothers wedding, do you not love him? It's a once in a lifetime thing, make a vacation of it. You don't have to buy an extremely expensive dress or something from registry. Just get them a gift card for $50 to the stores they like and be done
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