Mom Is Expecting Her Younger Daughter To Make Her Mentally Ill Daughter Her Bridesmaid, But The Bride-To-Be Can’t See That Happening
It’s hard having someone in the family that isn’t very capable of taking care of themselves as then your whole life revolves around that person, not leaving much room for your own needs. You can’t really run away from it, especially if you’re living together and even if you refuse to be the caretaker, knowing that you’re abandoning a family member can make you feel really guilty and cause friction with other family members.
Reddit user TiredSister87524 has to face this dilemma herself because she has a mentally ill sister that she has taken care of for her whole life. And now that she is getting married, she is expected to make the sister a bridesmaid; however, she would rather not and is asking if she’s a terrible sister for that.
More info: Reddit
This woman doesn’t want her mentally ill sister to be her bridesmaid but has received a very negative reaction from her family
Image credits: Lee Haywood (not the actual photo)
The narrator of the story is a 25-year-old woman named Sarah who has a 27-year-old sister who is mentally ill. It is quite serious as she requires constant monitoring and she can’t function as a normal person. The original poster (OP) doesn’t reveal what her sister is diagnosed with, but she reveals that “her needs are complex and sometimes conflicting. She has had a number of diagnoses and misdiagnoses over the years, along with bad reactions to medications” in the comments.
Sarah ended up taking care of her sister her whole life because when she was 8, her dad had a stroke, so her mom couldn’t do everything by herself. The OP has two older brothers, but it seems that they weren’t as involved. When Sarah’s dad passed away, she was 19 years old and now the mom is the sister’s primary carer.
25-year-old Sarah has an older sister with severe mental illness and as long as she can remember, she has had to take care of her
Image credits: TiredSister87524
Through the years, there were several occasions when the sister did unforgivable things that Sarah brushed off because she understood that it was the illness’ doing
Image credits: TiredSister87524
Sarah reveals how difficult it has been living with a mentally unstable sister and what nasty behavior she had to endure. The OP feels like she burnt out over the years of being the understanding sister and feels like there is no more real sisterly connection between them.
The woman thinks that her sister does love her in her own kind of way and can be really sweet at times, but it doesn’t last long and even though anyone would say that Sarah is a very loving sister, the only thing she can feel towards her older sister is apathy.
Image credits: TiredSister87524
Because of her experience, Sarah doesn’t want to make her sister a bridesmaid as she knows what might happen
Image credits: TiredSister87524
The woman repeats several times in the comments, responding to people’s opinions, that she doesn’t forget that her sister is mentally ill and her actions are not her fault but a result of the disease that keeps her captive.
Having that in mind, Sarah doesn’t want her sister to be her bridesmaid because as long as she remembers, every single time there was an event when she should have been the center of attention, her sister has had to disrupt it in some way.
Image credits: TiredSister87524
Sarah still wants her sister to be at the wedding, but just as a regular guest
Image credits: TiredSister87524
However, this angered the mother and her brothers who thought that would devastate the older sister
Image credits: TiredSister87524
The OP still wants her sister to be at the wedding, but just as a regular guest so her mom will be able to keep an eye on her. Also, bridesmaids are usually people you care about the most, so a sister she lost a connection with wouldn’t meet that requirement.
It troubles Sarah because she knows that there is a tradition in her family to always choose sisters as bridesmaids. Even saying the thought out loud to her mom and brothers led to a conflict. Her mom especially expressed her disappointment, saying that she’s not sure if she can hope for Sarah to take over the sister’s care when the mom is too old for that.
Image credits: TiredSister87524
Sarah is on the verge of giving up to not upset her family but wanted to know if she was the only one who thought this wasn’t right
Image credits: TiredSister87524
The reaction of her relatives and her own doubts made Sarah think that she is an evil person. At the same time, she feels like she has an obligation to make her sister a bridesmaid, but that’s a wedding decision she should want to make willingly.
Other Redditors thought that it’s her big day and she shouldn’t give in to the pressure of her family. Some of them suggested giving the sister a different role in the wedding so that she won’t feel left out. Others pointed out that if she wasn’t a bridesmaid in the brothers’ weddings, why should Sarah make her one?
She definitely isn’t alone as other redditors fully supported her decision and reasoning
177Kviews
Share on Facebook
Speaking as someone with pretty severe mental health issues myself (Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Aspergers Syndrome) It honestly sounds like OP's sister has always been allowed to get away with things because "oh she has issues", that shouldn't be the case. I may have mental health issues but I wouldn't dream of doing the things Op's sister has done to OP, that's just cruelty, we don't know the full story so I hate to assume, but in any case, OP isn't responsible for her sister, even if anything did happen to their mother (there are assisted living places for this kind of thing) and whilst I understand it isn't nice to be rejected, OP can have whoever she wants as her bridesmaids, family is never entitled to a role like that. I do feel for the sister but if the behaviour is that bad, then it's honestly a risk having her there at all, at least OP isn't barring her from the wedding completely - though she does have the right to do so, as it's her wedding.
Thank you. The family is wrong in so many ways - they have used OP for years.... And as a person with diagnoses - you know...
Load More Replies...
The headline here is misleading. Realy, it ought to be titled "Woman does not want her sister, whom she isn't close to and doesn't like, in her wedding party". Mental illness or not, if you aren't close with someone you just aren't close. Sounds like her family thinks she should be in the wedding party because it's the expected thing to do, not because the sisters have any kind of special relationship.
The mad illusion that she could somehow turn her into a non-disruptive 'regular guest', though...
Load More Replies... So much wrong here. Why did the OP drive for 4 hrs instead of just calling the police for the sister's threat to jump off the bridge? The OP should get some counseling to overcome any guilt she feels. If I were in her shoes, I'd be tempted to just elope. If she does have the sister in the wedding party, she should make one of her brother's promise to watch over her to prevent any issues. The mother should flat out tell the sister that any 'bad behaviour' will not be tolerated and if it occurs, she will taken home by the brother.
[Edited for misread content:] The ideal thing is for the bride to talk to her parents and brothers and say that the only way the sister is allowed at the wedding is if a parent or brother agrees to remove her if she becomes disruptive. Which will be a huge problem if the parents are paying for the wedding. And I bet you anything there's fierce resistance to this, the brothers do NOT want to take any responsibility for the problem child, and the parents DO want to get out of the house and enjoy themselves for once.
Load More Replies...
If you are saying those things she did weren't her fault, that means she's absolutely uncontrollable and has no business being a bridesmaid. If she is capable of being one, that means she does have control over her actions and uses her mental issues to do whatever she wants including torturing her sister when she feels like it.
In a similar boat with my wedding, I'm not close to my biological mum who has mental health issues, but I've always had pressure to keep her a part of my life. Having her at my wedding was a huge cause of potential stress and guilt because for me she has never fitted into the mother role but I knew she would expect to be treated as such. Thankfully she's since been uninvited through actions of her own that have caused even my family members who pressured me to keep in contact with her to give up on her, but it shouldn't have had to come to that for me to feel okay with making that decision. It is your day, you say who attends and in what capacity. This person's parents are trying to make a day which should be about their daughter about her sister instead and putting way too much pressure on her.
Steph - I'm glad it worked out ok for you. My brother's wife did not see her mother or get along with her for years. The mother was not invited to the wedding but showed up anyway and made a scene. :-(
Load More Replies... NTA, in addition, the brothers need to be part of any future care plans for the sister. It sounds they got the "get out of jail free card" when it came to dealing with the ill sister's care growing up. It's time to step up.
Agreed. Because this sounds like yet another family that expected the one available girl to "be responsible" and care for other family members, and let the brothers lead lives of their own. It's not because "Girls of that age are so much more responsible than boys", it's because a girl's time and future prospects are seen as less valuable.
Load More Replies...
On the flip side of the coin...I refused to go to my second cousins huge wedding (over 200 guests crammed in a tiny church) because I have social anxiety and I don't do crowds...it's not a new thing I've been avoiding crowds for over 20 years but my family insists that it's not a "real" mental health issue because I don't daily take medication...well I don't need it because I only have issues with crowds and as long as I avoid them I'm fine! So they just say I'm antisocial or difficult...I sent her a check for 100.00 with a handmade card instead of ruining her day with my anxiety and panic
I recently read about parentification, which is what this sounds like, a child forced to take on a parental role. Earning a nickname of 'carer' sounds like she was taught from a very early age to be the responsible one. Her own mother wants to take it even further, by wanting her to take care of her sister for life, she is trying to make Sarah into her sister's mother completely.
The sad thing, the mental health system in the US at least is so pathetically inadequate that there are no good options for the care of people who have severe lifelong mental illness. Parents are horribly burdened, other family members don't want to be dragged into the endless nightmare of caring for someone with mental illnesses, so siblings (usually girls) get pressed into service, and are expected to take over care when the parents are gone. Some will go along with it, others will chew off their own legs to get out of the trap, and this bride will need to strike a middle path.
Load More Replies...
To her sister, the bride will have to repeat endless variations on "I don't want to make any demands on you/cause you any stress/burden you", and refuse to discuss the response. Just "I don't want to stress you". With the parents, maybe it's time to start being honest, because yes! Parents are perfectly happy to heap responsibility for a disabled child on any sibling that doesn't forcibly object!
Maybe if she hadn’t spread the lies about cheating or ruined your credit then maybe. But because of that, no. She obviously is an asshole to you. Excluding her isn’t even being an asshole anyway.
I'd love to know if the brothers were expected/required to have both sisters in their wedding parties. I'd bet decent money they weren't. But also, the bridesmaids typically have duties to perform ahead of and at the wedding. Will SIL help with making centerpieces or favors? Can/will she help plan a shower and a rehearsal? Will she behave around the groom/groomsmen, or will she try to interfere with another of her sister's relationships? Sounds like OP has done a lot for her sister already, and has reached the limit of her generosity.
'Carer Sarah'. Just throw out the whole family. Why is Sarah the one expected to take over the long term care of the sister when there are two brothers who are older and more financially stable?
For them to tell you that you have to have your sister as a bridesmaid after all she's done is the same as telling a woman she has to stay with her abusive husband because, hey, she married him. If your sister's unpredictable and destructive behavior has been obvious in the past, why the heck would a family member even suggest she be at the wedding at all. Regardless as to her mental state, sometimes people need to see there are consequences to their bad actions. Maybe your sister sitting out your wedding is going to hurt, but it may also help. As far as your mom expecting you to take care of your sister for the rest of her life without consulting you...that's selfish. It sends the message that the only reason for your existence is that you are a free option as opposed to making arrangements with professionals that could handle it better. So are you supposed to never have kids? Would you want your sister to be around those kids? I wouldn't...for their mental well being.
Wanting her to be at the wedding and not disrupting the event sounds very inclusive and well planned for everyone
I’m wondering if the sister is using the “mental health issues” for attention…
Boredpands readers: look, this is how you groom someone into a carer position for life: with unrelenting pressure and guilt. Force too much responsibilty onto a child early, and keep telling it that these are acts of love. Take your affection away, when they don't function the way you want them to. the poor op, I hope she can just ditch her family for good and build herself a new one.
The brother is the asshole. If he thinks it's so important not to be ableist, why doesn't he take in a person who clearly needs professional care?? Seriously, after this debate I'd uninvite the whole family and do a destination wedding with just the closest friends. (And why is a sister supposed to be a bridesmaid in the first place? I wasn't one to my ssister and I'd never take mine as one. This is a job primarily for friends, imo, not family)
NEVER TA for deciding who you want in your bridal party or even AT your nuptials. Being a family member does NOT automatically incur entitlement, privilege, or rights beyond those of anyone else.
NTA, but, darn, this is a tough situation. It's completely understandable that you would want your wedding day to be a joyous occasion where you can relax without having to keep an eye on someone or handle disruptions. Sadly, the fact is she's not your child, your mother had her, so your mother has to control her behavior so you sister doesn't cause issues, and also she shouldn't be expecting you, the youngest, to be taking on this burden. Why not your older brothers? They're more mature and with their busy jobs probably have more available finances to help. You're just starting out your young life with your fiance, this burden shouldn't be placed on you. You'll have to speak with the family and have the awful conversation laying out your boundaries. If they cannot agree, they they're not invited. Live your life for YOU, not other people. Death doesn't show up at the end and give you a coupon for being other peoples doormat. I hope you have a fantastic problem-free dream wedding.
i would in no way make her a bridesmaid or even invite her she has done horrible things to you i feel even if she was only there as a guest something is going to happen and your mother is not going to try and control her in anyway and i would also tell my mother that she will have to make other arrangements for her because you are not going to take care of her im sure you will have your own family by then and you have been caring for her since you were eight you have done enough
This is not for you to worry about or feel guilty. Your sister is not your responsibility, your mother should be making arrangements for her care after she's unable. She should also make arrangements for your sister to be 'somewhere else' on your special day and if she doesn't "SHAME ON MOM". You deserve the spotlight, free from stress about what your sister may say or do to spoil it. If your mom doesn't do this, invite your friends and family that truly love YOU, and make it clear to mom and brothers this is YOUR mandate and YOUR day. They aren't being good family if they can't see this.
It's possible to invite the sister, but ONLY if a brother or mother agrees to remove her if she becomes disruptive. This has to be an absolute condition, and if it's not met then the bride needs to just go to Vegas or something and forget the idea of inviting family to a wedding.
Load More Replies...
A wedding is your day ! Full stop. You get to choose people who will help make your day easier and if having her with you is work for you then NO is ok !! Do not let your family dictate your day. It's ok for your sister to feel however she will feel. You can still let her know she is loved by giving her a job to help. Like throw flower petals on her way to her seat beside your mom. you make your own traditions.
We don't know enough about the sister to decide whether "giving her a job to help" is a good idea. Some people with severe mental issues will get very stressed if given a "job", or asked to deal with anything unfamiliar. If the sister is like that, then making her a bridesmaid is fairly likely to cause a bad episode, even if the sister wants to be a bridesmaid more than anything else in the world.
Load More Replies...
OP should relocate far, far, far away from her family with her husband cut them all off. She has been used and abused her whole life and her brothers have not lifted a finger to help out but leave that to the youngest sibling and their aging mom.
I'd set all of the sister's incoming phone calls and messages to automatically forward to the brothers' numbers.
The bride is right about not allowing her ret@rdedd sister to attend.
My now sister-in-law is... nice. But planning with her is an huge ordeal. I tried it thrice and won't ever do it again. When my wife had to choose a bridesmaid, I encouraged her to have her best friend instead of her sister. Of course MIL was not amused. We wouldn't have it. SIL couldn't be arsed to contribute to common travel plans, let alone plan a bachelor party or contribute to a wedding planning. Our friend ended up doing it. Great. SIL ended up being bridesmaid for her best friend years later and will turn to her in exchange when the time arises. All good. Only MIL has her moments, but we are used to that...
Ask her to be a guest. If she wants more uninvite her. Unvite everyone who has the audacity to challenge you about it too. You've given enough, you've earned the right to enjoy a day about you and hubby to be. You're a good person. You deserve to be validated on this aspect. Even if they're family, no one is allowed to take the fact that you are a good person away from you. You don't need these people in your life. Do what you want to do and have a good life. You deserve it.
Okay, there is a fine difference between having mental illness and being a complete asshole and the sister is doing the latter. I have mental illness issues and I would never even dream of disrupting important occasions for my sister. The sister would probably only be upset that she is not there to be the center of attention and not because she missed the event. The OP needs to invite who she wants, not who her family wants.
Honey, you need some travelin' shoes. Elope, take you real bridesmaids along if you want, but get the 'ell away from those users. It's the marriage and your new life and your new family to be that's important not the wedding ceremony. No guilt, you've paid more than your dues. It's your life, claim it.
Sounds like the whole family is very invested in OP being “Carer Sarah”. The brother who said she is is ableist is just trying to get her back in line. She needs to tell her mother that she will not be caring for her sister and to make other plans for her long term care. The brothers can help. I recommend that OP move across the country with her new husband for a few years.
I think OP should sit down with her mum and explain some of the things she's explained here. Hard to do I know, but whether her mum accepts that or not, it her reasons will be clear and it sets the foundation for how life will be from now on. OP will not be able to care for her sister full time if she has a husband and possibly children in future ,it's not fair on them.
Would I be going too far if I point out that OP has two other siblings, but because they are male she's somehow automatically responsible for her sister?
Well, she's also the only one close in age. The brothers are ten years older or more, they were probably in college or independent adults at the point when the seriousness of the sister's condition became obvious. If the Bride got stuck with a ton of responsibility, it's largely because she was the only person available.
Load More Replies...
Some of things her sister does doesn't add up for me. I'm not denying she has a mental illness, but I wouldn't be surprised if she is inflating/ faking symptoms in order to get away with things. The behavior listed by the OP shows she is aware enough to know right from wrong, capable of planning things for her own benefit, and spiteful to her sister. Regardless of what illness she suffers from, she is on hook to behave decently. I agree with people's assessment that her family has enabled this behavior. And they may have made a monster out of this person. The OP needs to leave this mess behind. And the family should try and institutionalize her for a while. I'm curious to see that if she is faced with being in a place where her ability to harm people becomes restricted whether her bad behavior changes in order to get what she wants.
You can still click on the "Art" and "Photography" tabs on the top of the website. Have fun there.
Load More Replies... Speaking as someone with pretty severe mental health issues myself (Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Aspergers Syndrome) It honestly sounds like OP's sister has always been allowed to get away with things because "oh she has issues", that shouldn't be the case. I may have mental health issues but I wouldn't dream of doing the things Op's sister has done to OP, that's just cruelty, we don't know the full story so I hate to assume, but in any case, OP isn't responsible for her sister, even if anything did happen to their mother (there are assisted living places for this kind of thing) and whilst I understand it isn't nice to be rejected, OP can have whoever she wants as her bridesmaids, family is never entitled to a role like that. I do feel for the sister but if the behaviour is that bad, then it's honestly a risk having her there at all, at least OP isn't barring her from the wedding completely - though she does have the right to do so, as it's her wedding.
Thank you. The family is wrong in so many ways - they have used OP for years.... And as a person with diagnoses - you know...
Load More Replies... The headline here is misleading. Realy, it ought to be titled "Woman does not want her sister, whom she isn't close to and doesn't like, in her wedding party". Mental illness or not, if you aren't close with someone you just aren't close. Sounds like her family thinks she should be in the wedding party because it's the expected thing to do, not because the sisters have any kind of special relationship.
The mad illusion that she could somehow turn her into a non-disruptive 'regular guest', though...
Load More Replies... So much wrong here. Why did the OP drive for 4 hrs instead of just calling the police for the sister's threat to jump off the bridge? The OP should get some counseling to overcome any guilt she feels. If I were in her shoes, I'd be tempted to just elope. If she does have the sister in the wedding party, she should make one of her brother's promise to watch over her to prevent any issues. The mother should flat out tell the sister that any 'bad behaviour' will not be tolerated and if it occurs, she will taken home by the brother.
[Edited for misread content:] The ideal thing is for the bride to talk to her parents and brothers and say that the only way the sister is allowed at the wedding is if a parent or brother agrees to remove her if she becomes disruptive. Which will be a huge problem if the parents are paying for the wedding. And I bet you anything there's fierce resistance to this, the brothers do NOT want to take any responsibility for the problem child, and the parents DO want to get out of the house and enjoy themselves for once.
Load More Replies... If you are saying those things she did weren't her fault, that means she's absolutely uncontrollable and has no business being a bridesmaid. If she is capable of being one, that means she does have control over her actions and uses her mental issues to do whatever she wants including torturing her sister when she feels like it.
In a similar boat with my wedding, I'm not close to my biological mum who has mental health issues, but I've always had pressure to keep her a part of my life. Having her at my wedding was a huge cause of potential stress and guilt because for me she has never fitted into the mother role but I knew she would expect to be treated as such. Thankfully she's since been uninvited through actions of her own that have caused even my family members who pressured me to keep in contact with her to give up on her, but it shouldn't have had to come to that for me to feel okay with making that decision. It is your day, you say who attends and in what capacity. This person's parents are trying to make a day which should be about their daughter about her sister instead and putting way too much pressure on her.
Steph - I'm glad it worked out ok for you. My brother's wife did not see her mother or get along with her for years. The mother was not invited to the wedding but showed up anyway and made a scene. :-(
Load More Replies... NTA, in addition, the brothers need to be part of any future care plans for the sister. It sounds they got the "get out of jail free card" when it came to dealing with the ill sister's care growing up. It's time to step up.
Agreed. Because this sounds like yet another family that expected the one available girl to "be responsible" and care for other family members, and let the brothers lead lives of their own. It's not because "Girls of that age are so much more responsible than boys", it's because a girl's time and future prospects are seen as less valuable.
Load More Replies... On the flip side of the coin...I refused to go to my second cousins huge wedding (over 200 guests crammed in a tiny church) because I have social anxiety and I don't do crowds...it's not a new thing I've been avoiding crowds for over 20 years but my family insists that it's not a "real" mental health issue because I don't daily take medication...well I don't need it because I only have issues with crowds and as long as I avoid them I'm fine! So they just say I'm antisocial or difficult...I sent her a check for 100.00 with a handmade card instead of ruining her day with my anxiety and panic
I recently read about parentification, which is what this sounds like, a child forced to take on a parental role. Earning a nickname of 'carer' sounds like she was taught from a very early age to be the responsible one. Her own mother wants to take it even further, by wanting her to take care of her sister for life, she is trying to make Sarah into her sister's mother completely.
The sad thing, the mental health system in the US at least is so pathetically inadequate that there are no good options for the care of people who have severe lifelong mental illness. Parents are horribly burdened, other family members don't want to be dragged into the endless nightmare of caring for someone with mental illnesses, so siblings (usually girls) get pressed into service, and are expected to take over care when the parents are gone. Some will go along with it, others will chew off their own legs to get out of the trap, and this bride will need to strike a middle path.
Load More Replies... To her sister, the bride will have to repeat endless variations on "I don't want to make any demands on you/cause you any stress/burden you", and refuse to discuss the response. Just "I don't want to stress you". With the parents, maybe it's time to start being honest, because yes! Parents are perfectly happy to heap responsibility for a disabled child on any sibling that doesn't forcibly object!
Maybe if she hadn’t spread the lies about cheating or ruined your credit then maybe. But because of that, no. She obviously is an asshole to you. Excluding her isn’t even being an asshole anyway.
I'd love to know if the brothers were expected/required to have both sisters in their wedding parties. I'd bet decent money they weren't. But also, the bridesmaids typically have duties to perform ahead of and at the wedding. Will SIL help with making centerpieces or favors? Can/will she help plan a shower and a rehearsal? Will she behave around the groom/groomsmen, or will she try to interfere with another of her sister's relationships? Sounds like OP has done a lot for her sister already, and has reached the limit of her generosity.
'Carer Sarah'. Just throw out the whole family. Why is Sarah the one expected to take over the long term care of the sister when there are two brothers who are older and more financially stable?
For them to tell you that you have to have your sister as a bridesmaid after all she's done is the same as telling a woman she has to stay with her abusive husband because, hey, she married him. If your sister's unpredictable and destructive behavior has been obvious in the past, why the heck would a family member even suggest she be at the wedding at all. Regardless as to her mental state, sometimes people need to see there are consequences to their bad actions. Maybe your sister sitting out your wedding is going to hurt, but it may also help. As far as your mom expecting you to take care of your sister for the rest of her life without consulting you...that's selfish. It sends the message that the only reason for your existence is that you are a free option as opposed to making arrangements with professionals that could handle it better. So are you supposed to never have kids? Would you want your sister to be around those kids? I wouldn't...for their mental well being.
Wanting her to be at the wedding and not disrupting the event sounds very inclusive and well planned for everyone
I’m wondering if the sister is using the “mental health issues” for attention…
Boredpands readers: look, this is how you groom someone into a carer position for life: with unrelenting pressure and guilt. Force too much responsibilty onto a child early, and keep telling it that these are acts of love. Take your affection away, when they don't function the way you want them to. the poor op, I hope she can just ditch her family for good and build herself a new one.
The brother is the asshole. If he thinks it's so important not to be ableist, why doesn't he take in a person who clearly needs professional care?? Seriously, after this debate I'd uninvite the whole family and do a destination wedding with just the closest friends. (And why is a sister supposed to be a bridesmaid in the first place? I wasn't one to my ssister and I'd never take mine as one. This is a job primarily for friends, imo, not family)
NEVER TA for deciding who you want in your bridal party or even AT your nuptials. Being a family member does NOT automatically incur entitlement, privilege, or rights beyond those of anyone else.
NTA, but, darn, this is a tough situation. It's completely understandable that you would want your wedding day to be a joyous occasion where you can relax without having to keep an eye on someone or handle disruptions. Sadly, the fact is she's not your child, your mother had her, so your mother has to control her behavior so you sister doesn't cause issues, and also she shouldn't be expecting you, the youngest, to be taking on this burden. Why not your older brothers? They're more mature and with their busy jobs probably have more available finances to help. You're just starting out your young life with your fiance, this burden shouldn't be placed on you. You'll have to speak with the family and have the awful conversation laying out your boundaries. If they cannot agree, they they're not invited. Live your life for YOU, not other people. Death doesn't show up at the end and give you a coupon for being other peoples doormat. I hope you have a fantastic problem-free dream wedding.
i would in no way make her a bridesmaid or even invite her she has done horrible things to you i feel even if she was only there as a guest something is going to happen and your mother is not going to try and control her in anyway and i would also tell my mother that she will have to make other arrangements for her because you are not going to take care of her im sure you will have your own family by then and you have been caring for her since you were eight you have done enough
This is not for you to worry about or feel guilty. Your sister is not your responsibility, your mother should be making arrangements for her care after she's unable. She should also make arrangements for your sister to be 'somewhere else' on your special day and if she doesn't "SHAME ON MOM". You deserve the spotlight, free from stress about what your sister may say or do to spoil it. If your mom doesn't do this, invite your friends and family that truly love YOU, and make it clear to mom and brothers this is YOUR mandate and YOUR day. They aren't being good family if they can't see this.
It's possible to invite the sister, but ONLY if a brother or mother agrees to remove her if she becomes disruptive. This has to be an absolute condition, and if it's not met then the bride needs to just go to Vegas or something and forget the idea of inviting family to a wedding.
Load More Replies... A wedding is your day ! Full stop. You get to choose people who will help make your day easier and if having her with you is work for you then NO is ok !! Do not let your family dictate your day. It's ok for your sister to feel however she will feel. You can still let her know she is loved by giving her a job to help. Like throw flower petals on her way to her seat beside your mom. you make your own traditions.
We don't know enough about the sister to decide whether "giving her a job to help" is a good idea. Some people with severe mental issues will get very stressed if given a "job", or asked to deal with anything unfamiliar. If the sister is like that, then making her a bridesmaid is fairly likely to cause a bad episode, even if the sister wants to be a bridesmaid more than anything else in the world.
Load More Replies... OP should relocate far, far, far away from her family with her husband cut them all off. She has been used and abused her whole life and her brothers have not lifted a finger to help out but leave that to the youngest sibling and their aging mom.
I'd set all of the sister's incoming phone calls and messages to automatically forward to the brothers' numbers.
The bride is right about not allowing her ret@rdedd sister to attend.
My now sister-in-law is... nice. But planning with her is an huge ordeal. I tried it thrice and won't ever do it again. When my wife had to choose a bridesmaid, I encouraged her to have her best friend instead of her sister. Of course MIL was not amused. We wouldn't have it. SIL couldn't be arsed to contribute to common travel plans, let alone plan a bachelor party or contribute to a wedding planning. Our friend ended up doing it. Great. SIL ended up being bridesmaid for her best friend years later and will turn to her in exchange when the time arises. All good. Only MIL has her moments, but we are used to that...
Ask her to be a guest. If she wants more uninvite her. Unvite everyone who has the audacity to challenge you about it too. You've given enough, you've earned the right to enjoy a day about you and hubby to be. You're a good person. You deserve to be validated on this aspect. Even if they're family, no one is allowed to take the fact that you are a good person away from you. You don't need these people in your life. Do what you want to do and have a good life. You deserve it.
Okay, there is a fine difference between having mental illness and being a complete asshole and the sister is doing the latter. I have mental illness issues and I would never even dream of disrupting important occasions for my sister. The sister would probably only be upset that she is not there to be the center of attention and not because she missed the event. The OP needs to invite who she wants, not who her family wants.
Honey, you need some travelin' shoes. Elope, take you real bridesmaids along if you want, but get the 'ell away from those users. It's the marriage and your new life and your new family to be that's important not the wedding ceremony. No guilt, you've paid more than your dues. It's your life, claim it.
Sounds like the whole family is very invested in OP being “Carer Sarah”. The brother who said she is is ableist is just trying to get her back in line. She needs to tell her mother that she will not be caring for her sister and to make other plans for her long term care. The brothers can help. I recommend that OP move across the country with her new husband for a few years.
I think OP should sit down with her mum and explain some of the things she's explained here. Hard to do I know, but whether her mum accepts that or not, it her reasons will be clear and it sets the foundation for how life will be from now on. OP will not be able to care for her sister full time if she has a husband and possibly children in future ,it's not fair on them.
Would I be going too far if I point out that OP has two other siblings, but because they are male she's somehow automatically responsible for her sister?
Well, she's also the only one close in age. The brothers are ten years older or more, they were probably in college or independent adults at the point when the seriousness of the sister's condition became obvious. If the Bride got stuck with a ton of responsibility, it's largely because she was the only person available.
Load More Replies... Some of things her sister does doesn't add up for me. I'm not denying she has a mental illness, but I wouldn't be surprised if she is inflating/ faking symptoms in order to get away with things. The behavior listed by the OP shows she is aware enough to know right from wrong, capable of planning things for her own benefit, and spiteful to her sister. Regardless of what illness she suffers from, she is on hook to behave decently. I agree with people's assessment that her family has enabled this behavior. And they may have made a monster out of this person. The OP needs to leave this mess behind. And the family should try and institutionalize her for a while. I'm curious to see that if she is faced with being in a place where her ability to harm people becomes restricted whether her bad behavior changes in order to get what she wants.
You can still click on the "Art" and "Photography" tabs on the top of the website. Have fun there.
Load More Replies...
133
89