There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but there are definitely some that come pretty close. Unfortunately, there are also those who are the complete opposite – toxic parents.
It’s no secret that toxic parenting can have a lasting effect on a child's self-esteem and can even lead to mental health issues later on in life.
So when someone wondered “What is a sign of toxic parenting?” on Ask Reddit, it was destined to turn into an illuminating read about the ways people can tell if their parenting methods do more harm than good.
Below we wrapped up some of the most interesting and thought-provoking responses, so scroll down. And let us know what you think are the signs of poor parenting in the comment section below!
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Always believing they're right because they're the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say.
My whole family. In fact, my uncle said as much or rather yelled it at me, as we were driving to the lawyer's office after my mother died. I've lived in this city my whole life, been driving these roads for nearly 30 years, I suggested he should get over to the right lane so he could take off the highway. he starts screaming at me "I'm older than you, I've been driving longer than you, I know better than you, you know nothing because you're just a child" I'm 43 and my 14 year old son was sitting in the back seat...
Kids who feel like nothing they do is good enough or they can't do anything right. Their parents have told them they are stupid or useless so often they have started to believe it.
Or parents who just don't care or are too busy to notice. I've struggled with this because I was bullied both by classmates and teachers. My parents were nowhere to be found. Now they are in complete denial. Took me a while to understand that my failures were not always my fault. Now I make sure not to make the same mistake with my daughter, who tends to doubt her abilities. I would hate myself if she started to actually believe it.
There's no one answer to what toxic parenting looks like, as every family is different. Some common signs that your parents might be toxic include always being critical of either of you or of each other; trying to control every aspect of your life; constantly comparing you to other people, or to their own expectations; being emotionally abusive; using guilt to manipulate you and many more.
In some extreme cases, controlling parents take over their children’s lives and can do a lot of harm. To find out how exactly overly controlling parents can alter their kids’ lives and what kind of effect they have over them, we spoke with Anisa Lewis, the Positive Parenting Coach.
Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them
The belief that your children belong to you, that they are beneath you and your property. That because you brought them into this world, you are owed respect. Respect and trust are gained, they are not owed.
I think of respect as more of a garden. Everyone has a plant in my garden. When you show respect to me you water and feed that plant. When you disrespect me your plant withers and dies. But everyone starts with at least a baseline of respect. I don't like the idea that respect is earned, like you start at zero, or that someone is due complete respect until shown otherwise. Respect is cultivated, and if you want someone to respect you, you are responsible for that cultivation
Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing, "I told you so" and "because I said so"
Lewis argues that parents' main goal should always be to bring their children up with a solid foundation and strong values, “knowing the long-term aim is that they can be confident, independent and functioning members of society,” she said and added that obviously, there are a great number of factors that feed into this and each child and young adult as well as family is different.
When asked what could be the reasons why some parents control their kids so much, Lewis explained that there may be many factors to blame. She told us: “it could be their own upbringing and they are simply repeating the parenting that they received.” Moreover, “it could be cultural or an experience that they have had that has negatively affected them.”
Being unable to apologize, setting and enforcing standards they themselves don't follow
Mom always yells at me and threatens to punish me for crying or being angry but’s it’s perfectly fine for her to do it
Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one.
This. By the time I was twelve, I was taking care of my half-siblings while my folks were at the bar. I was expected to clean, cook, iron my stepfather's shirts, and do the laundry, all while volunteering and maintaining an A average. I can't BELIEVE how easy it is to be an adult, because I have freedom now. I moved out of state at 17 and everything got much, much better.
Guilt tripping your kids into begging for your forgiveness.
“I bet you wish I was dead”, “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”, etc.
Also, the silent treatment. Sometimes I argue with my mom and she snaps back asking why I'm arguing. At times she refuses to accept that I'm a separate human being capable of anger and having my own opinions. If that's the case she just stops talking to me so that I feel obliged to apologise even if it's not my fault.
Moreover, controlling parents are likely to be anxious or low in confidence (or self-esteem) themselves. “They can tend to, possibly by default, control what they can to keep themselves safe and thus part of this is the lives of their children,” Lewis explained.
Any sort of adept knowledge from their child about doing something sneakily. My parents have always been very strict about what I wore not only out in public, but even just hanging out with friends at their houses. I have since become a master at fashionably layering and they were never the wiser. All extremely strict parenting does is teach kids how to be stealthy and break rules without getting caught.
Any form of hitting and calling it "discipline"
It's not it's straight up abuse and it traumatizes your children I know cause I was raised off it and guess who I cut out of my life.
If you're the kind of person who justifies child abuse with "My parents hit me all the time and I grew up fine", you didn't, in fact, grow up fine.
Insisting you know your kids' mind better than they themselves do. Proclaiming what they experience, feel, think, and intend. Being dismissive or condescending when they try to speak for themselves.
Seeing your child as identical to you or an extension of you ("twinning"), and going around bragging about this.
Not acknowledging or neglecting their emotions.
Blaming their children for what are natural reactions to the parent's behaviour. (A similar dynamic "When he looks in the mirror and sees his dirty face, he tries to wash the mirror.")
For a child of any age, living with toxic parents is a very difficult situation to be in. Children may feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells and that they can never do anything right. Chances are, their homes are always full of yelling and criticism, which may alter their sense of home, safety and comfort.
Yelling at your kid for backtalking when they're really just having an opinion.
Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn't want to be the doctor that you weren't able to be. Okay... So?
For example, my parents are very religious and everything would be about religion and honoring God; yet, the ironic thing is, that my parents are extremely abusive- physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Don't force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what's out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don't yell at them or hurt them if they're not doing it *your* way.
It should be illegal to indoctrinate your kids into religion. They're too young to make their own decisions and have enough to deal with as it is. Let them enjoy their childhood and have the freedom to choose when they're older.
“I cleaned your poop and fed you everyday selflessly” Bro you decided to have a kid and didn’t know that babies don’t start using the loo as soon as they’re born?
At the same time, for children of toxic parents, it is extremely important to try to find ways to cope with this situation. Spending time with supportive people is one way, and doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. In some cases, however, seeking professional help is the only way, and if a child feels like they are not able to handle the situation anymore, it’s best to not wait, but act as soon as possible.
If the kid is “mature for their age”, they are being severely neglected emotionally and most likely already have deep psychological scars.
Yes, can cofirm. Also, an interesting fact I'd like to add: when adult survivors of childhood (psychological) abuse look back at situations in their childhood, they typically appear to themselves as much older and more mature than they actually were.
So true. I can relate. That feeling of being older, for me, resulted in feeling lots of shame and feeling responsible for things my parents should have. I never got to be a carefree kid.
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Not universally true. Parents who talk about deep and complex issues with their kids in a healthy, loving way can produce a mature kid. My kid and I have a great relationship, ditto with her dad, but we have done this (always age appropriately, but deeply) and she is the most self aware and socially aware kid I've ever seen- more so than most adults. And she is loved and happy and thriving.
Same. My daughter constantly blows my mind with how insightful, and emotionally intelligent she is. She is so empathetic and respectful of others. But i was home with her 100% from the time she was born and i have always talked to her about feelings, being kind, standing up for what you believe, and helping others. I also got her doing art and reading at a very early age. I didn't have any of that as a child and i was very "Mature for my Age" in a not great way.
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This is not true for everyone. I have always been nature for my age and I was showered with love, praise and adoration. I was treated like a princess by both parents. My mother grew up in an abusive home and made sure she didn't continue the cycle. My dad was just the best man I've ever met to tis day.
This isn't necessarily a sign of neglect, just of some sort of issue. I know someone "mature for her age" whose father had been told, yet again, that this is it, the cancer is terminal now (thankfully, yet again, it wasn't). Huge issue, major therapy needed, but not neglect. I also know an autistic person who, as a child pre-diagnosis, seemed mature for his age, but it was really that he didn't quite get how to interact with people his own age and preferred to hang out with adults instead. An issue, therapy helped, but still not neglect. I agree that this is generally a bad sign, and I do get concerned when I hear it, but it isn't always the specific issue of neglect.
My older daughter is super mature for her age, always has been. It's just who she is. My younger daughter is the exact opposite. My older one is still a kid in many ways, but the conversations we have, she is wise far beyond her years.
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I think this is variable. I was a very quiet, thoughtful child... and I remember my mother often saying "she's 6 going on 30." It was simply how I was and my parents were certainly not neglectful of me or my hellraiser handful of a brother! (Personally I think he got all the immaturity and energy and left none in the womb for me!) I guess I'm just trying to say... everyone's different and some kids can be "mature for their age" with no parental neglect!
Not always true. Lots of kids are mature for their age just because they are. Maturity does not necessarily indicate emotional neglect.
Hard yes that this can be a sign (although it can just be a personality trait as well). My mom was almost proud of this. But mental abuse caused me to seem "mature" when I was younger, and then break down as an adult.
Not always true. I've been called "mature for your age" my entire life, and I was just neurodivergent and advanced. Plus my parents actually talked to me about real things like science, politics, and culture.
This statement isn't true. Not all children who behave maturely are being emotionally neglected, some kids are just reserved. The same way that some adults are more or less mature than their peers.
My friends call me mature, the parent of the group, my best friend calls me an "unpubertized adult." :(
I've never heard this before, but I don't think it's always true. Maybe it might be in some cases, but in my case, I was "mature for my age" because that's just how I felt. My parents and I have a good relationship. I've just never really been into "silliness," (I like jokes, but there's a difference between "funny" and "silly") or crude/crass conversation.
My kid and husband and I all have a great family relationship. We talk about deep, important issues, social issues, interpersonal things, etc. in some depth (always age appropriately). She is now at 13 the most mature, self aware, socially aware and well-adjusted teen I've ever seen. We are great together and she is thriving and happy. So... no. _I_was mature because I was neglected, but not her. Also a kid can grow a lot from circumstances outside a parent's control like a death or illness in the family. That isn't neglect, that's life happening.
I spent my entire life completely unable to relate to others my age, and instead getting along much better with adults. Now it makes sense, since my depressive alcoholic mother and narcissistically abusive father raised my sister and I like this list was their manual.
Patently ridiculous. My grandson is "mature for his age". He is an only child who is loved (and knows it). Maturity can be described as making decisions that are appropriate more often than not, and making the right decision when peers probably wouldn't. By that metric, my grandson is "mature for his age". He's also an excellent student, likes school, and has lots of friends. His teachers have always described him as a great kid. He's now 13, and about a year into puberty. Other than the physical changes, he's the same great kid he's always been.
I just "love" the irony when someone is mature for their age, other people think it is because their parents did such a good job. 😠
The whole of Gen-X sneering derisively at this generationally applicable observation.
Totally disagree. I actually didn't have all these deep psychological or emotional traumas. I just was mature for my age because a lot of young kid stuff was childish to me
I wasn't even 12 before an adult told me I had an old soul. Didn't get why he looked and sounded kinda sad when he said it, but it made sense later. Still trying to recapture the childhood I was cheated out of.
This one hit home a little too hard ouch. If it's brought up today, "you were just a mature loner who never wanted to leave his room." Huh. I wonder why.
I think it depends on what kind of mature. If the kid is jaded, depressed, doesn't see life as fun and feels like they are emotionally exhausted, then absolutely that's a sad form of "maturity." My daughter is 7 now (soon to be 8!) And was born 30 😂 From a year old she new how to use sarcasm and read the emotions of each individual so appropriately we would all look at each other and laugh in awe. I've met a lot of little ladies and little guys like this, and some of it is just them for sure, but the other half is being given respect without the weight of it. Meaning, I respect her enough I will never talk down to her, so this little girl has more basic knowledge of what goes on in our world and family than most of the adults (basic meaning nothing too heavy for a child) but there are no expectations set on her to carry anyone else emotionally. It is not her job to do so, right now she's meant to play and learn and be her goofy little self for as long as she can ☺️
This is a little oversimplified. Maturity can also be the result of the point raised earlier: Parents allowing the child the freedom to take responsibility. This can teach them to consider consequences and benefits of their actions which are surely signs of maturity.
Yes, when you have abuse they remove the the child and you become much more serious and there is no more silliness. I went into teaching and I coud spot a kid very quckly who had that personality. they were no longer innocent children, they were no longer carefree.
This isn’t necessarily true in all cases, I’m considered mature for my age and it’s only because I’m educated on certain topics and can have adult conversations with adults, and my emotional maturity is also a factor in that.
This isn't necessarily true. Only children often act more maturely than their peers, because the tend to spend more time with adults, than with children.
Not always, I wasn't emotionally neglected but was "mature for my age". I did have trauma from my father dying while still in early grade school but my parents were loving and had conversations with me about hard topics leading to maturity out of necessity and choice.
Not always true. I have found that they mature faster when they have older siblings. I am sure most mature at their own pace.
I am living proof of this. I was 12 going on 36 growing up. I had this worldly air about me supposedly. I was too serious. Even as an adult, I am too distant. It's not attracting the fire and ire of those who were abusing me.
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
I had years of this. I finally got my mother to stop contacting me by printing out a list of "Adverse Childhood Experiences" and checking off the ones I was subject to under her rule. Final score: eight out of ten. As an abusive narcissist, she can't admit what she's done, and this rude awakening did what nothing else could. It stunned her into silence.
Treating kids like they aren't supposed to have emotions
"You're such a drama queen!" "Why do you have to be so defensive all of the time?" "STOP THAT CRYING." Yeah, you torment us, we break and respond, and WE'RE the ones who are wrong? No, that's just abuse.
Telling your child to do something, then getting mad when they do it wrong.
One time my mom made me fold her laundry, then got mad at me because one her shirts was inside out.
I think about that every time I fold clothes now...
I cannot dry dishes. It triggers massive PTSD attacks even at age 46. My mom would make me dry the dishes every night with a single towel - lots of dishes -- and berate me constantly that I "did it wrong". Every night. Oh and yes, we had a dishwasher. She was insane about rules for it, you could barely use it and never, ever in the summer.
When children aren’t allowed to have boundaries under the guise of ‘’you shall have respect for your elders/parents/family’’
This is often where weaponized (Christian) forgiveness comes in, too. We all know the rhetoric. "How can you hang on to anger like this?" "Honor your father and mother!" "You seem like such an angry, sad person. You need to forgive and let go." No, actually, I'm allowed to be angry and resentful, have feelings, and hold others accountable for their abuses. Sorry it made Grandma cry, but the ones who were "disrespectful" were the relatives who molested me, not me for finally outing it.
Parents not understanding kids have bad days to. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but to their little minds they can get just as overwhelmed as we can mentally.
I have to disagree with " to there a little minds" and "may not have a bad day like and adult would" because there day might be worse than an adults and it might not just be small. I had a earth-shattering panic attack at 10 and laid on the floor unable to move after my knees buckled because the earth and walls were shrinking and the only thing I could say for my hour of hardly breathing was "I'm not good enough, why can't I be perfect." I also had depression at 11 and contemplated suicide. So yeah a kids day can really suck sometimes
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about"
"I gave up so much for you and this is how you repay me , by being a little whining brat"
"Sometimes I wish I never had you , why can't you be like *friends name* who is always behaving politely and respectfully "
"Why don't you go and live with *friends name* and their parents. Maybe they will teach you some manners , once you have you can try try speak to me again"
Had this a lot during my childhood
Victim blaming, only seeing the wrong things and ignoring the accomplishments and good and such
I've mentioned before that my childhood was pretty much a constant gauntlet of bullying and sexual abuse. Every. Single. Time. I mustered the courage to beg my mom to help me, she deflected and made it like it was my fault. My stepfathers had SUCH hard childhoods, I needed to be more understanding, and not put so much stress on them. So-and-so was abused. So-and-so was in Vietnam. So-and-so had mean parents. Maybe I should consider that one of my four-dozen tormenters at school were going through a rough time at home? Or were sad? Or hurt? Maybe I should try reaching out and being friends? OR HEY, MAYBE MY ABUSE AND PAIN WAS JUST AS BAD, MOM? "Hurt people hurt people" is not a f*****g "get out of jail free" card, especially not when it's suggested that, because they had a bad childhood, they now get to destroy mine, too. STOP VICTIM BLAMING CHILDREN. It's not their job to make life easier or more bearable for the adults. If you're that hurt, get therapy.
Thinking that asking a question is arguing
What this means is that your parents don't genuinely love you. They "love" you (huge quotation marks) but it means they don't want you to communicate with them to force them to exert any effort whatsoever pretending they actually care you were born. So you ask a question, it's an inconvenience because you're not supposed to be there... you're just there for the tax breaks... they want you to be more like a stuffed animal or a caged hamster.
When the kids are all in activities they hate because its what the parents want them to do. Living their life over through their kids.
I’ve had to do cello since second grade. My mom’s side of the family has always done some sort of music thing, but it stresses me out so much. She just won’t let me quit.
Getting your kids to pick sides in your broken marriage
This is so, so hard. The way my mom phrased it was "Your father loves you as best as he can." That was the only way to understand why he never called, wrote, or had any interest in us except for maybe once a year for a "family" thing where he needed to look like a good dad in front of his brothers. Two insecure, stupid teenagers got married and crapped out kids for all sorts of insecure reasons to make themselves feel important and fulfilled before they'd grown up at all themselves, and then embarked on years of fights and cheating and open marriage? You both sucked, Mom and Dad.
Helicopter parenting
I see so much of this coming directly from Gen X-ers and growing up as latchkey kids. So many swung that pendulum in the extreme opposite direction as parents themselves that now I have students who start college and have never completed a homework assignment without a parent. They break down at every step of a project or paper because the second they were a little uncomfortable, Mom or Dad would swoop in. Now they have zero life/coping skills.
I've met a lot of messed kids whose divorced parents would use them as an outlet to rip on the other parent, and try and pit the kid against the other parent. It makes you question who's really acting like the child here.
Oh yes, but it doesn't happen only with divorced parents, but sometimes also with those who stay together "for the kids". Toxic AF. ☹
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punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
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talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
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I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... For those of us that understood or related to these as I did - you're here. You have been reading, learning and you know that what was done to you was wrong. That's the first step and it's a haaaarrrrd one. It takes most folks until they're 30-40 years old before they realize they were abused! You are a survivor. You will overcome. It will be hard work, you might always hear the voices of your past, but someday they get a little less. Maybe not gone, but less.
Agree, hard. Most of us will need some therapy to get through, and to sort our experiences and make sense of them. One exercise that made all the difference to me was that I "re-raised" myself. I went back through my entire childhood in my mind, and for every single time I was hurt, failed, left behind, lost, forgotten, I took that version of me someplace she was loved, celebrated, and could have fun. The zoo, when my mom forgot me, and the start of so many of my abandonment issues when I was 3? I took my inner child back to the zoo, and made sure she knew I was there and watching and I'd never forget her. I gave myself make-up birthday parties and celebratory dinners. I bought myself toys and books I'd never had. I told my childhood self constantly the things she never heard, or heard in weaponized versions: she was smart, special, interesting, good. I gave her hugs. And yes, I mentally went through old abuses, and put adult-me in there, protecting child-me. It helped heal a lot.
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My coworker used to sit here and just tell me how terrible her daughter was. Like daily. The tantrums she'd have, how bad she was at school, nothing this girl did was ever good enough. One day she showed me a video she took as an example of her daughter's behavior, what I saw was her and her sister taunting this poor girl in to a tantrum. Just egging her on. I'd scream too if I were her daughter.
Are you in a position to say anything? That poor, poor kid. Even just a version of your last sentence, "I'd scream, too, if I was being tormented by my mom and aunt that way"? "Why do you think that's okay?" "What would you have her do instead?" I mean, I know it's not your responsibility, but I just know even ONE PERSON saying "That's not right" during my childhood would've made a huge difference.
Load More Replies... For anyone who is just starting to realize that some of these things apply to you, I recommend the book by Beverly Engel, "It wasn't your fault". Definitely not a substitute for therapy, but I think it's a good starting point. I read it years ago and it helped me understand many of the things I was feeling. Word of caution if you live with your parents, don't leave such a book lying around, if they're toxic they will use it against you for sure.(Not sure if book recommendations are Ok on BP, if not please let me know and I'll delete my comment)
Turning your back on your child because he/she comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Okay, whoever downvoted that? You are a horrible person. You are as horrible as parents who turn their backs on their kids when they come out. Lucky for you, many of them end up in my classrooms. So parents (esp Conservative Christian parents) out there, when you fail your kids repeatedly, destroy their souls, and make them feel like they aren't worthy of existing because they happen to be queer/depressed/agnostic/different, that's when they come talk to me. I will make sure they are loved, protected, and accepted. (THIS is one of the main reasons why these shitbags are so freaked out about college and professors. We aren't "brainwashing" your kids, you vacuous assholes. We're often preventing them from killing themselves because of your abuse.)
Load More Replies... Hi, fellow survivors and adventurers. Some of you are still in it. One possible option = your college professors. While in HS and lower grades, teachers are legally obligated to communicate with your parents. Not so in college! Legally, we cannot disclose *anything* about you to your parents. This means that if you need help, most of us will be available to you and have a variety of resources. Many of us struggle with the same things, too, from anxiety to panic to gender issues to money issues for school. So if you are experiencing abuse, or THINK you might be, seek one of us out. Come to our office hours. If we can -- and it does depend on the school's rules -- we will do everything we can to keep you safe. This includes code words during online classes if your parents interrupt, or help finding funding so you can move out. You matter to us.
All of these horrifying posts just make me believe even more that parenting should be an EARNED privilege, not a right.
I have one to add to this list... "I'm ashamed of you" and "don't embarrass me when we go over there"... the embarrassment would be me acting normal as I always was... 40 years later and the scar is only now beginning the heal because I refuse to see my father any longer.
Not acknowledging mental health problem and when they do, get mad because you understood it so soon compared to them that you already know and tried everything they suggest (like they started to consider me being hypersensitive two freaking years after my freaking diagnosis that they refused to consider real at the time. And were furious when the book they gave me (wonderful when you don't know much but unusefull when you already know the basics) didn't learn me anything and I didn't even finish it due to clearly not helping me at all...
My mother did almost every single thing mentioned here ... explains why I'm so f***d up
I've got one; treating your kids differently based on gender. I have two older brothers who have been going to or having sleepovers ever since I can remember. But whenever I (a girl) asked about sleeping over at a friend's house or having a friend sleepover, the answer was always no. As well as even going out to hang out with them. The only chance I would ever get to see my friends aside from school was at birthday parties. I am turning nineteen soon and have never once had a sleepover. My brothers are allowed to have their girlfriends over when there's no one else, but I'm not allowed to have a guy friend over when I don't even have feelings for him. (Also this, trying to force these beliefs on your kids about men and women not being able to be around each other without having to do with s*x). Don't treat your kids differently based on their gender and then deny it once they see what's going on and decide to call you out on it.
I started commenting, then decided, no, I'll be commenting on every single one of these, that my mom and dad and pretty much all the adults in my life did and still do all these things to me. I mean seriously, every one of these is/was my life (except the taking sides after divorce, they never divorced) Worse, mom convinced all her friends that I was a liar, and even now after her death, her friends still treat me like a lying little child (I'm 43 and have never been a child). I'm getting no help with cleaning out her house or after my major back surgery this past Tuesday (Aug. 16th, 2022) because even they think I'm a piece of shite and all my friends are scattered across the globe and can't get to me for whatever reason. I have no friends local because of my parents and now I'm looking to strangers on the internet for any help I can get. I've regretted being born my whole life, this just reiterates that.
That's too much for any one person. Please, do you have access to therapy? Someone else has gotta do the heavy lifting for you a bit, so you can heal! <3
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wow they checked off nearly the whole list… both were only mildly physical, and heavy on the psychological/verbal—— I like to proclaim I’m accountable for how I am now, but I catch myself reacting to something buried in my past. I still feel the weight of hyper vigilance and solitude. How does one break free?
Unconditionally believing everything your kid says even when there's proof otherwise. "Oh, little Johnny/Sally would never do that, he/she wouldn't lie." I'm sorry, but kids will and do lie. Thinking your kids are little angels. I've got a newsflash, they aren't. My kids were well behaved a d rarely gave me problems but they weren't angels.
My stepsons' mother...she's just awful. We've had to have a long sit down talk with them about how to treat each other because she just can't be the example. She's even convinced one of them it's his fault her and her mother (who passed away recently) weren't speaking when she passed (it had to do with topics concerning him). The older one is looking for a place to live, the younger one is counting down the days until high school is over to go into the military. It breaks my heart, but she's the parent with more money, more providing finances. A kid should be excited to leave home, not counting down the days like they're in prison.
Yes. But if you are a minor like me,you can't particularly do much about it because you shouldn't trust anyone . They might seem nice,but then they might end up using all of this against you
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My father is a narcissist whom can't take blame for anything. Over the years I watched my bubbly mother become more and more "flat" as she took the blame for literally everything. Even though he was right there, he didn't even act like a parent either. My mother practically raised us as he took every job he could that would require him to be gone for longer hours or even jobs that meant he was gone for WEEKS at a time. Because of this, my mother turned bitter as all hell and we were blamed for every small thing that happened. Spilled cup? Our fault. Laundry not put away? Our fault. The fact she can't have friends? Apparently our fault too. So, we were blamed; physically abused with "beatings and spankings" for incorrect behavior, emotionally abused to believe every bad thing was deserved and it was our fault, and mentally abused with every guilt trip/gaslight possible to keep our self esteem low as possible. I'm 28 now and only my sisters still live with them.
My mom often compares my friends to me. She indirectly tells me that they’re better than me but if I dare say that she IS saying that they’re better than me, I would get yelled at and grounded.
I would add to this not understanding addiction issues, and not taking the time to understand them in order to help your kid. My brother was a drug addict and instead of understanding it to be a disease, my brother was always just a p.o.s. to my father. Don't get me wrong, my brother did a lot of horrible things, but my father was a violent disciplinarian because that's all he knew to be. He believed hitting was the way to get a kid to do what you want them to do, despite all the times that didn't work. He never learned. He never took the time to understand my brother's behavior or picked up on the fact he had a learning disorder. It's hard because a lot of this stuff wasn't really known back then. But even in the years before my brother died, which was more recent, he never bothered. He always felt like addiction was a weakness and mind over matter and 'just stop' was his way of looking at it.
Not letting kids have their own hobbies/criticizing a kids interests because it’s not something the parent likes. My mother would criticize every outdoor activity that I enjoyed then complained when I stopped playing outside. Also comparing kids problems to your own. Recently realized that I’ve had restless legs and insomnia for as long as I can remember but when I saw a sleep medication ad as a kid and joked that I needed some of that (because that was the only way I could think of to bring up the problem without getting yelled at) I was told to wait until I was an adult with real problems and then I’d know the meaning of not being able to sleep. Still can’t convince myself to try and get help for it
When I got Bouche, my mom told me I wasn't allowed to have a cat, because I couldn't afford him. I just kept telling her I'm getting one. Finally, she said, "Talk to your father." She handed him the phone, I told him I was getting a kitten, and he said "Wonderful!" I think I got him in trouble.
Except for point #10, 12, 21, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30 all things are done to me and my siblings by our parents. And being an South Asian and living in a conservative society moving out is NOT an option.
This was my dad throughout the 3 years my parents were separated then the next 2 when they were divorced.I was a daddy's girl, makes me sick thinking about it, and he used to try to manipulate me into leaving my mother and living with him while he lived in his parents basement for almost 6 years.I had to cut him off my junior year in highschool, honestly the best decision of my life, because it was during lockdown and I didn't want to leave the state and make my family suffer from COVID.It didn't help when he tried to force a relationship between the two of us.He would stay try to even convince me that my mom was the reason why they got divorced.Nope, all him.She gave him an ultimatum of 'you're 100% in or 100% out.The trust that was between a father and daughter instantly broke the day he left.I got to see a therapist for about 6 weeks, since one of the colleges was doing a free 6 weeks of psychology.It was beneficial but only for so long.He claims he's doing better, I don't believe it.
To add on. The lady that was my temporary therapist, reminded me of a friend my freshman year. It felt nice at least being able to talk any of this out with someone who just listens instead of someone who doesn't really understand what I went through. When my dad left, I was 12, a lot of people that was in our ward at church, blamed my mom for leaving and others didn't care to understand what we were going through since they themselves hadn't. It's still hard to talk about it with those that don't understand. Plus being an introvert, I don't really get out much since some friends I knew made it seem like I didn't exist for the last 3 years of high school. It's also hard to talk to people how many schools I've been to in my life. We never moved for 5 of those schools, until #6 when my mom and I moved into an apartment, then #7 and the final school, to a different state. When it came to the last one, my mom felt in her heart that we were meant to move.
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I definitely had bad toxic parents. I often think god took them so early so they couldn't screw is up anymore.
Do any of these apply to you? If not then what are you complaining for? And how are you "trying to do your best" when you're abusing your child? Pa-lease🙄
Load More Replies... punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
Load More Replies... talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
Load More Replies... I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... For those of us that understood or related to these as I did - you're here. You have been reading, learning and you know that what was done to you was wrong. That's the first step and it's a haaaarrrrd one. It takes most folks until they're 30-40 years old before they realize they were abused! You are a survivor. You will overcome. It will be hard work, you might always hear the voices of your past, but someday they get a little less. Maybe not gone, but less.
Agree, hard. Most of us will need some therapy to get through, and to sort our experiences and make sense of them. One exercise that made all the difference to me was that I "re-raised" myself. I went back through my entire childhood in my mind, and for every single time I was hurt, failed, left behind, lost, forgotten, I took that version of me someplace she was loved, celebrated, and could have fun. The zoo, when my mom forgot me, and the start of so many of my abandonment issues when I was 3? I took my inner child back to the zoo, and made sure she knew I was there and watching and I'd never forget her. I gave myself make-up birthday parties and celebratory dinners. I bought myself toys and books I'd never had. I told my childhood self constantly the things she never heard, or heard in weaponized versions: she was smart, special, interesting, good. I gave her hugs. And yes, I mentally went through old abuses, and put adult-me in there, protecting child-me. It helped heal a lot.
Load More Replies... My coworker used to sit here and just tell me how terrible her daughter was. Like daily. The tantrums she'd have, how bad she was at school, nothing this girl did was ever good enough. One day she showed me a video she took as an example of her daughter's behavior, what I saw was her and her sister taunting this poor girl in to a tantrum. Just egging her on. I'd scream too if I were her daughter.
Are you in a position to say anything? That poor, poor kid. Even just a version of your last sentence, "I'd scream, too, if I was being tormented by my mom and aunt that way"? "Why do you think that's okay?" "What would you have her do instead?" I mean, I know it's not your responsibility, but I just know even ONE PERSON saying "That's not right" during my childhood would've made a huge difference.
Load More Replies... For anyone who is just starting to realize that some of these things apply to you, I recommend the book by Beverly Engel, "It wasn't your fault". Definitely not a substitute for therapy, but I think it's a good starting point. I read it years ago and it helped me understand many of the things I was feeling. Word of caution if you live with your parents, don't leave such a book lying around, if they're toxic they will use it against you for sure.(Not sure if book recommendations are Ok on BP, if not please let me know and I'll delete my comment)
Turning your back on your child because he/she comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Okay, whoever downvoted that? You are a horrible person. You are as horrible as parents who turn their backs on their kids when they come out. Lucky for you, many of them end up in my classrooms. So parents (esp Conservative Christian parents) out there, when you fail your kids repeatedly, destroy their souls, and make them feel like they aren't worthy of existing because they happen to be queer/depressed/agnostic/different, that's when they come talk to me. I will make sure they are loved, protected, and accepted. (THIS is one of the main reasons why these shitbags are so freaked out about college and professors. We aren't "brainwashing" your kids, you vacuous assholes. We're often preventing them from killing themselves because of your abuse.)
Load More Replies... Hi, fellow survivors and adventurers. Some of you are still in it. One possible option = your college professors. While in HS and lower grades, teachers are legally obligated to communicate with your parents. Not so in college! Legally, we cannot disclose *anything* about you to your parents. This means that if you need help, most of us will be available to you and have a variety of resources. Many of us struggle with the same things, too, from anxiety to panic to gender issues to money issues for school. So if you are experiencing abuse, or THINK you might be, seek one of us out. Come to our office hours. If we can -- and it does depend on the school's rules -- we will do everything we can to keep you safe. This includes code words during online classes if your parents interrupt, or help finding funding so you can move out. You matter to us.
All of these horrifying posts just make me believe even more that parenting should be an EARNED privilege, not a right.
I have one to add to this list... "I'm ashamed of you" and "don't embarrass me when we go over there"... the embarrassment would be me acting normal as I always was... 40 years later and the scar is only now beginning the heal because I refuse to see my father any longer.
Not acknowledging mental health problem and when they do, get mad because you understood it so soon compared to them that you already know and tried everything they suggest (like they started to consider me being hypersensitive two freaking years after my freaking diagnosis that they refused to consider real at the time. And were furious when the book they gave me (wonderful when you don't know much but unusefull when you already know the basics) didn't learn me anything and I didn't even finish it due to clearly not helping me at all...
My mother did almost every single thing mentioned here ... explains why I'm so f***d up
I've got one; treating your kids differently based on gender. I have two older brothers who have been going to or having sleepovers ever since I can remember. But whenever I (a girl) asked about sleeping over at a friend's house or having a friend sleepover, the answer was always no. As well as even going out to hang out with them. The only chance I would ever get to see my friends aside from school was at birthday parties. I am turning nineteen soon and have never once had a sleepover. My brothers are allowed to have their girlfriends over when there's no one else, but I'm not allowed to have a guy friend over when I don't even have feelings for him. (Also this, trying to force these beliefs on your kids about men and women not being able to be around each other without having to do with s*x). Don't treat your kids differently based on their gender and then deny it once they see what's going on and decide to call you out on it.
I started commenting, then decided, no, I'll be commenting on every single one of these, that my mom and dad and pretty much all the adults in my life did and still do all these things to me. I mean seriously, every one of these is/was my life (except the taking sides after divorce, they never divorced) Worse, mom convinced all her friends that I was a liar, and even now after her death, her friends still treat me like a lying little child (I'm 43 and have never been a child). I'm getting no help with cleaning out her house or after my major back surgery this past Tuesday (Aug. 16th, 2022) because even they think I'm a piece of shite and all my friends are scattered across the globe and can't get to me for whatever reason. I have no friends local because of my parents and now I'm looking to strangers on the internet for any help I can get. I've regretted being born my whole life, this just reiterates that.
That's too much for any one person. Please, do you have access to therapy? Someone else has gotta do the heavy lifting for you a bit, so you can heal! <3
Load More Replies... wow they checked off nearly the whole list… both were only mildly physical, and heavy on the psychological/verbal—— I like to proclaim I’m accountable for how I am now, but I catch myself reacting to something buried in my past. I still feel the weight of hyper vigilance and solitude. How does one break free?
Unconditionally believing everything your kid says even when there's proof otherwise. "Oh, little Johnny/Sally would never do that, he/she wouldn't lie." I'm sorry, but kids will and do lie. Thinking your kids are little angels. I've got a newsflash, they aren't. My kids were well behaved a d rarely gave me problems but they weren't angels.
My stepsons' mother...she's just awful. We've had to have a long sit down talk with them about how to treat each other because she just can't be the example. She's even convinced one of them it's his fault her and her mother (who passed away recently) weren't speaking when she passed (it had to do with topics concerning him). The older one is looking for a place to live, the younger one is counting down the days until high school is over to go into the military. It breaks my heart, but she's the parent with more money, more providing finances. A kid should be excited to leave home, not counting down the days like they're in prison.
Yes. But if you are a minor like me,you can't particularly do much about it because you shouldn't trust anyone . They might seem nice,but then they might end up using all of this against you
Load More Replies... My father is a narcissist whom can't take blame for anything. Over the years I watched my bubbly mother become more and more "flat" as she took the blame for literally everything. Even though he was right there, he didn't even act like a parent either. My mother practically raised us as he took every job he could that would require him to be gone for longer hours or even jobs that meant he was gone for WEEKS at a time. Because of this, my mother turned bitter as all hell and we were blamed for every small thing that happened. Spilled cup? Our fault. Laundry not put away? Our fault. The fact she can't have friends? Apparently our fault too. So, we were blamed; physically abused with "beatings and spankings" for incorrect behavior, emotionally abused to believe every bad thing was deserved and it was our fault, and mentally abused with every guilt trip/gaslight possible to keep our self esteem low as possible. I'm 28 now and only my sisters still live with them.
My mom often compares my friends to me. She indirectly tells me that they’re better than me but if I dare say that she IS saying that they’re better than me, I would get yelled at and grounded.
I would add to this not understanding addiction issues, and not taking the time to understand them in order to help your kid. My brother was a drug addict and instead of understanding it to be a disease, my brother was always just a p.o.s. to my father. Don't get me wrong, my brother did a lot of horrible things, but my father was a violent disciplinarian because that's all he knew to be. He believed hitting was the way to get a kid to do what you want them to do, despite all the times that didn't work. He never learned. He never took the time to understand my brother's behavior or picked up on the fact he had a learning disorder. It's hard because a lot of this stuff wasn't really known back then. But even in the years before my brother died, which was more recent, he never bothered. He always felt like addiction was a weakness and mind over matter and 'just stop' was his way of looking at it.
Not letting kids have their own hobbies/criticizing a kids interests because it’s not something the parent likes. My mother would criticize every outdoor activity that I enjoyed then complained when I stopped playing outside. Also comparing kids problems to your own. Recently realized that I’ve had restless legs and insomnia for as long as I can remember but when I saw a sleep medication ad as a kid and joked that I needed some of that (because that was the only way I could think of to bring up the problem without getting yelled at) I was told to wait until I was an adult with real problems and then I’d know the meaning of not being able to sleep. Still can’t convince myself to try and get help for it
When I got Bouche, my mom told me I wasn't allowed to have a cat, because I couldn't afford him. I just kept telling her I'm getting one. Finally, she said, "Talk to your father." She handed him the phone, I told him I was getting a kitten, and he said "Wonderful!" I think I got him in trouble.
Except for point #10, 12, 21, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30 all things are done to me and my siblings by our parents. And being an South Asian and living in a conservative society moving out is NOT an option.
This was my dad throughout the 3 years my parents were separated then the next 2 when they were divorced.I was a daddy's girl, makes me sick thinking about it, and he used to try to manipulate me into leaving my mother and living with him while he lived in his parents basement for almost 6 years.I had to cut him off my junior year in highschool, honestly the best decision of my life, because it was during lockdown and I didn't want to leave the state and make my family suffer from COVID.It didn't help when he tried to force a relationship between the two of us.He would stay try to even convince me that my mom was the reason why they got divorced.Nope, all him.She gave him an ultimatum of 'you're 100% in or 100% out.The trust that was between a father and daughter instantly broke the day he left.I got to see a therapist for about 6 weeks, since one of the colleges was doing a free 6 weeks of psychology.It was beneficial but only for so long.He claims he's doing better, I don't believe it.
To add on. The lady that was my temporary therapist, reminded me of a friend my freshman year. It felt nice at least being able to talk any of this out with someone who just listens instead of someone who doesn't really understand what I went through. When my dad left, I was 12, a lot of people that was in our ward at church, blamed my mom for leaving and others didn't care to understand what we were going through since they themselves hadn't. It's still hard to talk about it with those that don't understand. Plus being an introvert, I don't really get out much since some friends I knew made it seem like I didn't exist for the last 3 years of high school. It's also hard to talk to people how many schools I've been to in my life. We never moved for 5 of those schools, until #6 when my mom and I moved into an apartment, then #7 and the final school, to a different state. When it came to the last one, my mom felt in her heart that we were meant to move.
Load More Replies... I definitely had bad toxic parents. I often think god took them so early so they couldn't screw is up anymore.
Do any of these apply to you? If not then what are you complaining for? And how are you "trying to do your best" when you're abusing your child? Pa-lease🙄
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