Parents Demand That The Bride Shares The Wedding With Her Sister And Her Toxic Fiancé – She Uninvites Them All
Everyone who’s planning to get married probably has a pretty clear vision of what they want their big day to look like. But when you have a pandemic ravaging the world, it begins to change. Add unreasonable family members to the mix and your picture of a dreamy ceremony turns into a poor scribble.
A couple of months ago, a now-deleted Reddit user found herself in a tough spot. Her parents, who agreed to pay 2/3 of her wedding expenses, started using their financial support as an argument to try and force her to share the wedding with her sister.
Eventually, they got so persistent, the woman felt she just had to put her foot down. So she uninvited her family from the entire thing.
However, after everything was said and done, she wasn’t sure if it was the right call. So she made a post on the platform, describing the situation and asking people whether or not she acted like a jerk.
Image credits: partyhelpgroup (not the actual photo)
Image credits: flignir
Michelle Lew, the owner of Lavender Crown Events, a wedding planning company servicing San Jose, Silicon Valley, and the surrounding areas, told Bored Panda that it’s totally common for parents to help contribute to the wedding budget. “Sometimes it is culturally normal for one side of the family to contribute more (i.e. in Chinese weddings, the groom’s family traditionally pays in China whereas it’s normal for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding in the United States),” Lew explained.
“In most cases that I encounter, parents will determine a set budget for a particular category, such as the bride’s parents paying for the dress or photography. Of course, each family is in a different financial situation from the next, but it is normal for parents to want to contribute towards their child’s wedding like they would help with tuition or co-signing a lease.”
The numbers agree with Lew. For example, in 2016, just 1 in 10 couples paid for their wedding entirely by themselves, The Knot’s annual Real Weddings survey of nearly 13,000 couples revealed. Furthermore, according to a report from marketplace WeddingWire.com, parents of the bride and groom collectively contribute about $19,000 to the wedding, or about 2/3 of the total cost—just like in our story! On average, however, $12,000 comes from the bride’s parents and $7,000 from the groom’s.
Wedding planner Lisa Burton, who has over 14 years of experience throwing weddings abroad, said joint weddings are not common at all. “In over 1,600 weddings, I’ve only planned one double wedding,” Burton told Bored Panda. “It was two sisters who got married in Turkey and from the start, they decided to have a joint wedding. They were incredibly close and so were their partners but the main advantage was the cost-saving. The couples decided between them who would walk down the aisle first, it was all very amicable.”
“I believe in this instance the father of the brides paid for the wedding reception so I imagine he was overjoyed with the cost-saving,” Burton noted. “Whilst I think parents are a great source of advice and I’d like to think that one day my daughter will discuss her plans with me (she’s only 12), I don’t think a parent should ever try to control how a child plans their wedding. A wedding is a wonderful way for a couple to show their style, display their individuality, and decide how to uniquely celebrate the start of their new life together.”
Burton said the complication comes when a couple accepts financial contributions, in which case it may be hard to keep full control of the plans. It’s not always the case but more often than not, accepting a financial donation from family members may mean they expect a hand in the plans. So beware.
‘It’s YOUR day’ is actually a tenet, guiding Lavender Crown Events. Lew said communication throughout the planning stage of the wedding is very important; the couple lets her know what they want rather than what the parent wants. And should the parents want to pay for the entire wedding and take over all the decisions, she’d be happy to help plan an anniversary or vow renewal with the focus on the parents instead of taking the day away from the couple. And that’s the way it should be!
People think the OP had every right to make this decision
"My parents wanted to invite all about 40 people to our wedding"...wait, what? Why do they invite someone at all? This whole notion is crooked.
There is something terribly wrong. Not to be going on stereotypes but this feels like someone who is not a bride is planning a huge party for themselves while someone else doesn't want to spend too much money. Ditch them and celebrate your own way?
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Also, Rosie can only benefit from waiting a year. Maybe she and Mick will break up before the wedding.
She already agreed to marry him. You think she will magically see him for what he is in the next year? I have a feeling she does not mind
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I agree with what the brother said, give them their money back and go with your original plan. With your parents no longer feeling like it's their show because they are no longer financing it they will probably stop being d***s. Whatever happens keep the venue as its yours and don't get bullied in to compromising.
She's giving the money back. You have to read all the words.
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Never ever have your parents pay for any part of your wedding, even if it means you end up having a very small and simple wedding. Once that foot is in the door they will say "We're the ones who are paying and so we get to say." Brides! Never take up an offer to help pay for or actually pay for your dress either. Trust me, everyone at the dress shopping will have a strong opinion on the dress in the first place, never mind throwing money in for it. Yes, it may have been a knee jerk reaction, but being young lady'd by parents is their control card left over from childhood and is a knee jerk inducing statement. Been there, done that on all 3 things. Eloping in a place of your choice, paid for by you sounds good.
Not unless you have parents who can pay and will not interfere anyway. Because you know them and your family has healthy boundaries. This relationship is very disturbing. Why would your parents want a say in your wedding?
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NTA. Reason being I that it’s your wedding, invite whoever you want, disinvite whoever you don’t. Easy.
She should have a convo with the parents: "Here's your money back. We're doing our wedding, our way, with our guests only, you have no control over it. If you can accept that with grace, you may attend, but will not be part of any decision making." If sis can't find a venue, she needs to broaden her requirements, or wait, or pitch a gazebo on the lawn. She doesn't get to horn in on yours.
Old, old school traditionally, the bride's parents would be throwing the wedding and therefore paying for everything except the rings and the clothes the groom and best man wore so as hosts would have complete control over the guest list, right down to the invitations actually coming from the bride's parents. My parents were married in 1969 and my parents said they didn't know half the people there! Nuts, and way out of date; no parent should expect that these days.
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I would give the sister and the parents the whole thing - they can have the date, the venue, the guests and, if course, 100% of the costs all for themselves. What they could not have would be the presence of my partner and me, as we would be getting married without them at the registry office or somewhere on holiday.
I'd find someone more deserving to take over the booking, like a terminal patient who needs it urgently.
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I agree with he brother...but at this point I'm not sure I would trust sister and her fiancé to not show up in their wedding clothes expecting to share since "everyone is here anyway". I'd elope, invite the 20 original people and call it good. No venue...maybe a park or beach. Have one of your friends get 'ordained' online and perform the wedding. I would not invite sister & fiancé.
Why do parents honestly think they have control over everything 😂😂 never accept money, it always comes with stings attached
I'd've broken off relations LONG before! Her sister's fiance has HIT her? S**t-shamed her? Why is she even in contact with those people? What the hell is wrong with their parents?
This woman was definitely right. It's supposed to be her and her partner's special day and trying to force her to share that with anyone is completely unacceptable. Hopefully her parents and sister will be able to attend her wedding as long as they don't fill the day with snarky comments or trying to shame her for choosing to make her day as special as possible. My mum's family is a lot like this and they ended up eloping to avoid the drama. 30 years later they still insist it was the best decision they ever made
A wedding should be all about the two of you. I've never really been into the idea of giant weddings for this reason. I know different cultures celebrate in their own way, but to me a small-time wedding is ideal. It should be a celebration, not a headache.
It seems so weird to me to have parents pay for your wedding. (Just get the wedding you can pay by yourself.) I don't know anyone who's ever done that over here and I have been to weddings in Switzerland, Sweden and Italy.
Another IATA story. Oh boy.... Could we please have more "Interesting facts that you probably never heard of? " instead of this crap?
Parents are probably on the hook for paying for both weddings and can't handle the cost, so sane compromise is in order to be fair to them: Share the venue, but have sequential weddings. Then after, have separate receptions. That way you don't have to "share" the wedding, still get to celebrate your own way, and financially help your parents.
Just a reminder to take this with a grain of salt. It’s the internet, after all.
Yeah, OP is NTA! I would never want to share a wedding date (and venue!) ESPECIALLY with someone sexist!
I think just taking control of your own wedding is for sure the right call. The parents way over stepped. However, there is also a big chance that she will calm down later on in life and regret not having her parents there. She made her point, she is getting the wedding she wanted, extend the olive branch so it doesn't sour the memory of the day. If her parents don't come, that fact is always going to stick with her. If they do come, then the details of this whole fight will fade with time. She will think way less about the fight surrounding it and way more about the day itself. If the parents are still d***s then tell them to stay home. If they will put the whole thing behind them than I think the bride will be happier in the long run to put it behind her as well. Sounds more like she just hates her brother-in-law, don't let that dude screw up your wedding by not having your family with you.
Not only nta but keep the daughter away from bil. Men like that can be super abusive
I'd be careful if they randomly say "oh it's ok we will go back to how it was" because I would smell your sister an mucky trying to sneak to the altar an join you both on the sly. Just go to city hall or get a JP an have something simple with his parents and yours. Like hey come see us at x place. JP comes out ya get married. Both sets of parents are there an enclosed. Then just save up an have a reception party with your money you save an even wait a year or so on an anniversary to do that. Me and my husband did that an it was more fun without the wedding day stress.
Rosie abs Mick decided to get married to steal the joy from her own sister...I agree with the brother give back the parents part of the money and uninvite their friends but re inviting her parents that's up to her because sometimes Ir own family is toxic
"The one thing they want"?? The one thing they want, is to hijack this poor girl's entire wedding, and make it all about somebody else! This is HER special day! NOT her sister's! I couldn't imagine having "family" like that.
I think the bride did the right thing!! Parents ???? Unbelievable, just follow your original plan for the wedding! ;-}. You'll be fine.
Ummm. I really do NOT see the sisters problem. One can get 'married' without a wedding! Then you do not need a , expensive "'wedding venue" to hold a reception. My husbands's aunt gave us our reception i he livng room, we and my parents paid for the catering , and it was LOVELY. We gave our eldest daughter a reception and a local restaurant with great success. We gave our second daughter a reception at our own (large beautiful yard) place and called in some local carters. We've been to friends' and friends'' children's children wedding at posh reception places and they were stilted an boring as Hell.
NTA. The parents should stay uninvited, since all they will do at her wedding is bitch abt the whole situation.
Thinking on the legal side that might stand up in court (for entertainment purposes only, I don't recommend doing this). The money was a conditional gift with 2 conditions that I can see 1) spend on the wedding and 2) you invite your parent's 40 guests. Uninvite your parents, sister, and brother in-law to be. Inviting them was not a condition of of gift. Invite the parent's 40 guests and use your parent's money on the wedding. If those guests do not RSVP you can spend that additional money on your wedding as a condition was not those 40 guests attending.
Wait a minute, correct me if I'm wrong; the guest list of 20 was upped to 40 by her parents - then Mick and the sister were added. Well, sister has five friends of her own and Mick has five friends and seven relatives so now we're up to 57 and I wanna know who's paying for the extra food? Just an example but you can see how quickly things spin out of control. Original bride and finance are due their own special day.
I agree with both. I would have had the same knee jerk as the bride.( and I did but over a lesser issue then sharing my wedding ) Weddings are an emotional time and irrational thought and knee jerk reactions are par for the course. Her brother is right as well. She should smooth things over with them and then just elope with her fiancé. No inviting /Uninviting needed. Throw a big party when they get back with their 20 guests and family and use the rest of the money for a house or the honeymoon!
I'd stick to my guns & tell me family where to go! I'm not sharing my wedding day with a sibling I'm not close to & being strong armed by my parents. Change phone numbers, move home & don't give them the details! You don't need that sort of negativity in your life!
I don't get it. Why do the parents want to invite 40 people to the daughter's party in the firts place? Why would the daughter be okay with having twice the number of guests from her parents than her own? Anyhow, the obession of US Americans with weddings in general is quite bizarre!
Funniest part of this is BP pretending they're adding something to the Reddit post by reaching out to a wedding planner to explain to us that this is rude 🤣
It's a weird gluing together of two disparate things. (1) We don't want to marry in same event as sister, and (2) dispute over who can invite. Glueing a second marriage onto the first is not "oh we're just inviting this bunch". I don't see what disinviting your parents has to do with that!
Depends on how set you are for that date, you could offer to sell the venue to your sister for a large sum and then put the money towards something you want. If they want to get married that quick, they'll pony up the money.
I'd be very tempted to go full vengeance mode. Keep the venue so they can't rebook it, but cancel everything else. Leave scorched earth. Don't return your parent's money until after the date so they can't use it to pay for your sister's wedding until you return from your honeymoon.
you know what happens on scorched earth right. you'll die because all the food is gone. next season sister is walking in on an even greener patch. you'll only burn yourself. the clearly sensible solution is killing Mick.
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Believe it or not we have feminism in outher countries too. Usa has nothing to do with this. By the way America is a continent, not your country.
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"My parents wanted to invite all about 40 people to our wedding"...wait, what? Why do they invite someone at all? This whole notion is crooked.
There is something terribly wrong. Not to be going on stereotypes but this feels like someone who is not a bride is planning a huge party for themselves while someone else doesn't want to spend too much money. Ditch them and celebrate your own way?
Load More Replies... Also, Rosie can only benefit from waiting a year. Maybe she and Mick will break up before the wedding.
She already agreed to marry him. You think she will magically see him for what he is in the next year? I have a feeling she does not mind
Load More Replies... I agree with what the brother said, give them their money back and go with your original plan. With your parents no longer feeling like it's their show because they are no longer financing it they will probably stop being d***s. Whatever happens keep the venue as its yours and don't get bullied in to compromising.
She's giving the money back. You have to read all the words.
Load More Replies... Never ever have your parents pay for any part of your wedding, even if it means you end up having a very small and simple wedding. Once that foot is in the door they will say "We're the ones who are paying and so we get to say." Brides! Never take up an offer to help pay for or actually pay for your dress either. Trust me, everyone at the dress shopping will have a strong opinion on the dress in the first place, never mind throwing money in for it. Yes, it may have been a knee jerk reaction, but being young lady'd by parents is their control card left over from childhood and is a knee jerk inducing statement. Been there, done that on all 3 things. Eloping in a place of your choice, paid for by you sounds good.
Not unless you have parents who can pay and will not interfere anyway. Because you know them and your family has healthy boundaries. This relationship is very disturbing. Why would your parents want a say in your wedding?
Load More Replies... NTA. Reason being I that it’s your wedding, invite whoever you want, disinvite whoever you don’t. Easy.
She should have a convo with the parents: "Here's your money back. We're doing our wedding, our way, with our guests only, you have no control over it. If you can accept that with grace, you may attend, but will not be part of any decision making." If sis can't find a venue, she needs to broaden her requirements, or wait, or pitch a gazebo on the lawn. She doesn't get to horn in on yours.
Old, old school traditionally, the bride's parents would be throwing the wedding and therefore paying for everything except the rings and the clothes the groom and best man wore so as hosts would have complete control over the guest list, right down to the invitations actually coming from the bride's parents. My parents were married in 1969 and my parents said they didn't know half the people there! Nuts, and way out of date; no parent should expect that these days.
Load More Replies... I would give the sister and the parents the whole thing - they can have the date, the venue, the guests and, if course, 100% of the costs all for themselves. What they could not have would be the presence of my partner and me, as we would be getting married without them at the registry office or somewhere on holiday.
I'd find someone more deserving to take over the booking, like a terminal patient who needs it urgently.
Load More Replies... I agree with he brother...but at this point I'm not sure I would trust sister and her fiancé to not show up in their wedding clothes expecting to share since "everyone is here anyway". I'd elope, invite the 20 original people and call it good. No venue...maybe a park or beach. Have one of your friends get 'ordained' online and perform the wedding. I would not invite sister & fiancé.
Why do parents honestly think they have control over everything 😂😂 never accept money, it always comes with stings attached
I'd've broken off relations LONG before! Her sister's fiance has HIT her? S**t-shamed her? Why is she even in contact with those people? What the hell is wrong with their parents?
This woman was definitely right. It's supposed to be her and her partner's special day and trying to force her to share that with anyone is completely unacceptable. Hopefully her parents and sister will be able to attend her wedding as long as they don't fill the day with snarky comments or trying to shame her for choosing to make her day as special as possible. My mum's family is a lot like this and they ended up eloping to avoid the drama. 30 years later they still insist it was the best decision they ever made
A wedding should be all about the two of you. I've never really been into the idea of giant weddings for this reason. I know different cultures celebrate in their own way, but to me a small-time wedding is ideal. It should be a celebration, not a headache.
It seems so weird to me to have parents pay for your wedding. (Just get the wedding you can pay by yourself.) I don't know anyone who's ever done that over here and I have been to weddings in Switzerland, Sweden and Italy.
Another IATA story. Oh boy.... Could we please have more "Interesting facts that you probably never heard of? " instead of this crap?
Parents are probably on the hook for paying for both weddings and can't handle the cost, so sane compromise is in order to be fair to them: Share the venue, but have sequential weddings. Then after, have separate receptions. That way you don't have to "share" the wedding, still get to celebrate your own way, and financially help your parents.
Just a reminder to take this with a grain of salt. It’s the internet, after all.
Yeah, OP is NTA! I would never want to share a wedding date (and venue!) ESPECIALLY with someone sexist!
I think just taking control of your own wedding is for sure the right call. The parents way over stepped. However, there is also a big chance that she will calm down later on in life and regret not having her parents there. She made her point, she is getting the wedding she wanted, extend the olive branch so it doesn't sour the memory of the day. If her parents don't come, that fact is always going to stick with her. If they do come, then the details of this whole fight will fade with time. She will think way less about the fight surrounding it and way more about the day itself. If the parents are still d***s then tell them to stay home. If they will put the whole thing behind them than I think the bride will be happier in the long run to put it behind her as well. Sounds more like she just hates her brother-in-law, don't let that dude screw up your wedding by not having your family with you.
Not only nta but keep the daughter away from bil. Men like that can be super abusive
I'd be careful if they randomly say "oh it's ok we will go back to how it was" because I would smell your sister an mucky trying to sneak to the altar an join you both on the sly. Just go to city hall or get a JP an have something simple with his parents and yours. Like hey come see us at x place. JP comes out ya get married. Both sets of parents are there an enclosed. Then just save up an have a reception party with your money you save an even wait a year or so on an anniversary to do that. Me and my husband did that an it was more fun without the wedding day stress.
Rosie abs Mick decided to get married to steal the joy from her own sister...I agree with the brother give back the parents part of the money and uninvite their friends but re inviting her parents that's up to her because sometimes Ir own family is toxic
"The one thing they want"?? The one thing they want, is to hijack this poor girl's entire wedding, and make it all about somebody else! This is HER special day! NOT her sister's! I couldn't imagine having "family" like that.
I think the bride did the right thing!! Parents ???? Unbelievable, just follow your original plan for the wedding! ;-}. You'll be fine.
Ummm. I really do NOT see the sisters problem. One can get 'married' without a wedding! Then you do not need a , expensive "'wedding venue" to hold a reception. My husbands's aunt gave us our reception i he livng room, we and my parents paid for the catering , and it was LOVELY. We gave our eldest daughter a reception and a local restaurant with great success. We gave our second daughter a reception at our own (large beautiful yard) place and called in some local carters. We've been to friends' and friends'' children's children wedding at posh reception places and they were stilted an boring as Hell.
NTA. The parents should stay uninvited, since all they will do at her wedding is bitch abt the whole situation.
Thinking on the legal side that might stand up in court (for entertainment purposes only, I don't recommend doing this). The money was a conditional gift with 2 conditions that I can see 1) spend on the wedding and 2) you invite your parent's 40 guests. Uninvite your parents, sister, and brother in-law to be. Inviting them was not a condition of of gift. Invite the parent's 40 guests and use your parent's money on the wedding. If those guests do not RSVP you can spend that additional money on your wedding as a condition was not those 40 guests attending.
Wait a minute, correct me if I'm wrong; the guest list of 20 was upped to 40 by her parents - then Mick and the sister were added. Well, sister has five friends of her own and Mick has five friends and seven relatives so now we're up to 57 and I wanna know who's paying for the extra food? Just an example but you can see how quickly things spin out of control. Original bride and finance are due their own special day.
I agree with both. I would have had the same knee jerk as the bride.( and I did but over a lesser issue then sharing my wedding ) Weddings are an emotional time and irrational thought and knee jerk reactions are par for the course. Her brother is right as well. She should smooth things over with them and then just elope with her fiancé. No inviting /Uninviting needed. Throw a big party when they get back with their 20 guests and family and use the rest of the money for a house or the honeymoon!
I'd stick to my guns & tell me family where to go! I'm not sharing my wedding day with a sibling I'm not close to & being strong armed by my parents. Change phone numbers, move home & don't give them the details! You don't need that sort of negativity in your life!
I don't get it. Why do the parents want to invite 40 people to the daughter's party in the firts place? Why would the daughter be okay with having twice the number of guests from her parents than her own? Anyhow, the obession of US Americans with weddings in general is quite bizarre!
Funniest part of this is BP pretending they're adding something to the Reddit post by reaching out to a wedding planner to explain to us that this is rude 🤣
It's a weird gluing together of two disparate things. (1) We don't want to marry in same event as sister, and (2) dispute over who can invite. Glueing a second marriage onto the first is not "oh we're just inviting this bunch". I don't see what disinviting your parents has to do with that!
Depends on how set you are for that date, you could offer to sell the venue to your sister for a large sum and then put the money towards something you want. If they want to get married that quick, they'll pony up the money.
I'd be very tempted to go full vengeance mode. Keep the venue so they can't rebook it, but cancel everything else. Leave scorched earth. Don't return your parent's money until after the date so they can't use it to pay for your sister's wedding until you return from your honeymoon.
you know what happens on scorched earth right. you'll die because all the food is gone. next season sister is walking in on an even greener patch. you'll only burn yourself. the clearly sensible solution is killing Mick.
Load More Replies... Believe it or not we have feminism in outher countries too. Usa has nothing to do with this. By the way America is a continent, not your country.
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