Not all secrets are equal. Far from it! Some are as simple as who stole the last cookie from the jar (though that can still make us feel incredibly bad). Others deal with the dark past of your family, immense feelings of guilt, and trying to hide some truly awful things that you’d done. Today, we’ll be taking a look at the latter.
We’ve collected the most impactful and uncomfortable secrets that people shared in a thread on r/AskReddit. They’d promised to themselves that they’d take these secrets to the grave with them, but they found an anonymous outlet for at least some of their guilty feelings.
Scroll down to read the stories, and let us know which of these shocked you the most, Pandas. If you have anything that you’d like to get off your chests, the comment section also works as a confessional. Now, shall we go feel very uncomfortable and tackle some complex feelings we’d probably rather not feel?
Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., was kind enough to shed a light on why we feel guilty and why it feels good to confess something that we'd been keeping a secret. Suzanne is a Licensed Counselor, Professor, and Chair at the Department of Counseling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University. She told Bored Panda that guilt is an emotion that we learn very early on in life.
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Well for a while last year i was planning on [taking my own life], with a note typed out on google docs, how to leave the rest of my room to be the least inconvenience to my family, etc.
Doing much better now, went on antidepressants, weaned myself off, just trying to land a job so i can actually get started with my life. Feeling good about the future :)
"Parents often try to use guilt to get their kids to 'fess up' or do the right thing," Professor Degges-White, from Northern Illinois University, told Bored Panda.
The professor explained that guilt triggers the part of the brain that's associated with our empathy for others, so we're holding back information from someone we care about, we become focused on how this lack of honesty affects our relationship with others. This works similarly for when we let someone down.
We had an old cat growing up named Tuna. He was 16 or 17 and had a long and happy life but was really deteriorating. My mom did not want him put down as it was her cat and she seemed to be in denial about how decrepit and near death this cat was. One day she comes home from the store and my dad calmly tells her that he found Tuna dead under a tree in the sun. She was happy he died peacefully and on his own terms. What she doesn't know is that she actually ran him over as she was leaving for the store. She obviously didn't feel him under the tire but my mom killed her cat and we all lied about him dying in his sleep.
Throw away because some friends know my username.
My dad had bowel cancer, he fought it for a few years but we eventully realised that the chemo was losing.
They set up to make him comfortable, this included one of those little automatic dosage machines that hopped him up on morphene every so often so he wasn't in pain. By the end he could barely speak, couldn't move, his stomach was distended because he hadn't s**t in... f**k I can't even remember how long.
Close to the end the morphene would become less effective faster than the doctors/ nurses could come around to up the dose, it was so distressing for my mum hearing my dad in pain that the nurse showed her how to increase the dose on the machine herself in case he woke up in pain.
Me and my sister are pretty sure that the night he died, after we had all said good night to him, my mum increased his dosage... quite a bit higher than she should have done. Nothing was ever said, by my mum, the nurses or the doctors, but we're pretty sure... **If** she did do it, I understand why and I don't blame her, I'm actually quite glad because my dad was suffering, and it was just f*****g awful to see him in so much pain and not be able to do anything.
Anyway, that's sufficiently depressed me first thing in the morning and I'm sure this will get buried anyway. Never logging into this account again...
I hope someone would do this for me if I was in the same situation.
In the Netherlands, in very clear defined circumstances and when the patient with a clear mind has explicitly expresses so, euthanasia is allowed. In cases like this, I believe euthanasia is a good option; it prevents unnecessary suffering
People should be able to 'go out' on their own terms. If the person is close to me I wouldn't like it, but I'd understand why they would have made the choice
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I suspect that's exactly why the nurses showed OPs mum how to increase the does. They know what they're doing
Alot of people do this. When loved ones are dying of cancer or other painful diseases the medical staff shows the family members how to work the morphine drip.
That's how a friend's dad died, with the help of a doctor - who legally wasn't allowed to do it. But did it anyway because the father didn't want to die a painful death due to cancer.
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Our doctor said this (same thing happened with my sister in law): Please remember that it is the cancer that killed them. If they were a healthy person he would probably easily have taken the dose. Therefore you can conclude that cancer is the one that killed him and not the morphine. It is something many people think though and not necessary
This is quite common I think that the care team provides very ready access to morphine at end of life to help to accelerate the inevitable. I was the caretaker for ,my girlfriend in the end stages of terminal cancer. When she came home for her final hours, days, who knows... they gave me oral morphine on a sort of sponge on a stick and told me not to be shy about using it. Sort of with a compassionate nod. She could have lived in excruciating pain for what? A few more hours? Days? I gave her comfort by swabbing her mouth. She passed peacefully and pain free. There is nothing more intimate than helping somebody at the end of their life. It changed me, in a good way, forever.
I'm a hospice volunteer, and what you said about intimacy at the end of someone's life is exactly right. You're a good person.
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I work in healthcare. This is how it is done at the end. It's one of the secrets we keep. It was probably just his time and not your mother's doing. It is merciful that we have palliative medicine.
My mum's hospice nurse explained why pain meds and antipsyoctic meds were important part of the end of life. When the time came, she sat me down and told me that in order for a timely and peaceful passing, a person's body and mind need to be relaxed. She explained that pain and delusions kept a patient in a state of anxiety, so much so that the body is too tense and the mind too active to allow for the process of death to start. I guess that meant the body naturally fights this process and administering meds more often than prescribed takes a weakened and sick body to the point where the process can begin. The morning my mum passed, she wasn't conscious enough to even take the dropper with the morphine, so luckily I didn't have to make the decision to actually "overdose" her to save her any more pain and agitation. Just giving her more medication throughout the days prior to her death was a bit of relief for both of us. I could finally help her be really comfortable.
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It's almost an unwritten rule that the amount of morphine needed to stop pain will never be looked at as the cause of death. It's always the cancer that kills, not the morphine, on the paperwork.
But it isn't it true though? Wouldn't these increasing dosages be very tolerable for a healthy person?
Load More Replies... Me & my siblings had a similar plan in place for my Dad (his request) with Oramorph but we were too late as he coupd no longer swallow and he suffered for a few days longer. The more you talk about this, the more you realise people feel the same way.
Hopefully, they understand that this happens all the time with the morphine drips for terminal patients. Doctors and nurses both know in places without legal assisted suicide, this is the best alternative to a painful death. I hope they do not feel any guilt.
Thing is if you take a pet to the vets in a similar condition they'll immediately put them to sleep to stop the suffering. Why hospitals/doctors don't offer to do the same for humans (in most places anyway) i just don't know.
I feel this. My father also suffered immensly before he finally passed away. And with him my mother, my brother and me suffered seeing his torture and not being able to help. It t left a big scar on my soul. It happend in December 2018.. but I still sometimes have weird dreams about this time. He didnt deserve such an end.
I am so sorry that your family endured that. I wasn't fair for anyone, specially your Dad.
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I up arrowed this one not because I "like" what happened to you, but because I understand. I have always believed that the very same thing may have happened with my Dad. It was not my Mom, but his caregiver, that may have helped my Dad in this way, but I have no proof. If this is truly what happened, I'm ok with it. His suffering was over this way. I have never told my Mom or sibling that I believe that it happened this way.
It's unlikely that was the cause of death. The amount of morphine required to be lethal is very high, far higher than administered even when given liberally. It's a common misconception and has significant implications for attitudes towards euthanasia as people (including healthcare professionals) believe hastened deaths are normal and already happening via morphine but that's not true. It can also lead to non-terminal patients and their loved ones avoiding pain relief believing there is more risk than there is.
Thanks I have been told that too by a doctor. Strange to see even people who are pro still thinking this.
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When my Dad was dying my mother refused to give him his medication, because he refused it. In her head, the medication would kill him faster. So I gave him the medication prescribed, my mother blamed me for him dying sooner. He went quickly, peaceful and aware we loved him. Rather than slower, painfully and confused by lack of oxygen.
Morphine speeds up death, as well as killing pain. I understand this, at the end as much as you don't want them to die - seeing then that way makes you wish they would pass peacefully so they don't have to suffer. My grandad has lung cancer and dementia, it was awful
It is very natural and frequent that caregivers have these thoughts, though of course we won't ever know about the ones who actually go through with it. Frankly, this was a very humane task in my eyes. Morphine is one of the easier and more painless ways to go.
I just found out that my grandfather essentially did the same. He raided a cabinet in the hospital and took every drug they had. My aunt has kept it from all of us for all this time. I'm glad she told me, and I don't blame him one bit, I'm just sad she carried that so long on her own.
That's a very common thing to do, and was even more common before managed healthcare took over. A doctor or nurse would casually mention not to increase the dose above x amount, since that would be highly dangerous. Coupled with a knowing look to the soon-to-be surviving spouse, the message was clear. They could do no harm, and the surviving spouse would be rather blameless for easing the suffering of the dying person.
Honestly, with that bad of a bowel issue he was probably at deaths door and that just gave him the ability to pass peacefully. Obstructed bowels are no joke and you can die pretty quickly from it. And if it was the morphine, then it probably only sped it up a few days.
This is just one more reason I plan on passing away by myself. The thought of this being my family's last memories of me really eats at me. God forbid I need round the clock care. I just don't want to put my children through this. I refuse to be taken care of and being watched as I waste away. I hope if something "terminal" ever happens to me, I have enough cognitive sense to put myself down. I just can't bear the thought of being a burden to them.
I think your feelings do you credit, but don't worry about it too much. Palliative care staff are amazing and can take much of the burden off the family. And speaking as someone who just recently watched a loved one pass, sometimes the family needs this experience to come to terms with the fact that you are going.
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A LOT of people are "shown" by medical professionals in terminal cases how to up the meds, and then they kind of look the other way when someone passes (as a result.) I know a few people that felt they were in the same predicament. It is brutal to watch someone suffering. (I have NOT been in this position.) Biggest secret that everyone does not talk about.
Your Mom gave him a true gift of love, what a Beautiful thing to do. I have an understanding with family members to do the same, we wouldn't let our pets suffer, why do we let our loved ones?
My heart breaks for this family whose dead was a PRISON of pain. I am exceptionally proud that the Mum had the compassionate and empathy to END husband’s unnecessary suffering. WHY do we allow the US to DENY our right for a peaceful passing facing us MONTHS of unrelenting PAIN?? Whereas, our loved and cherished pet are GIVEN a humane and dignified death. Why do we FORCE our loved ones to SUFFER from long, painful and horrific months?? As we see watch each day as our loved ones suffer unimaginable pain, emotionally and physically it is INHUMANE!!! No medical treatments nor God could save them BUT we deny ALL of them of a peaceful transition from the human world. It’s BARBARIC, inhumane and immoral, in which we have DOOMED our loved ones to unimaginable pain and suffering. There are other countries around the world but the US REFUSES to allow Americans a peaceful release into the aftermath.
My favorite sister passed away 15 months ago from Pancreatic cancer 18 months ago. Her journey from diagnosis to death was 21 months. Near the end, she woke each morning PISSED that she was still alive! She suffered from unimaginable pain for whilst 18 months waking each morning whilst cussing our EVERYONE for having woken up AGAIN 😡😡😡. She endured about 6 months from the pain that had followed though into her journey. She deserved much better than she deserved but it was unbearable for the last 6 months as we waited for death to come to her but he was long overdue from coming but she did her best. I cannot imagine how painful each day it was for her as well as the months passed on.
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General surgeon here. Dying from a bowel obstruction is a terrible way to go. If what you suspect is actually true, your mom served your father and cared for him, The most difficult way she could, but what he probably needed.
Nurses and doctors know and are okay with it. I've shown how to administer opioids in the terminally ill. With instructions/explanation of the risks with higher dosage. This is common, consider death a secondary effect of making their life a bit better. The line between euthanasia and acceptable side effects is blurred. I consider it euthanasia, legally it isn't.
From what I’ve heard from people in similar situations, this is pretty ‘standard’ way of helping those suffering in palliative care to peacefully end their life and not risk getting sued for manslaughter… something lots of families know happened to their loved ones after unofficially giving consent… sad but true.
If a person is willing to let another person k——l them, they should be legally allowed to do so. I don’t know if the OP will see this, but I’m sorry it had to happen this way.
WHY WE NEED ASSISTED SUICIDE TO BE LEGAL. Youll let a pet go to sleep and die peacefully but not a HUMAN YOU LOVE?! OK...
I low key think this happened to my dad as well. But on accident. I had just taken him off the ventilator and he was breathing on his own (barely) and was going to hospice. But to transport him he had to be calm and he was spasming. (Docs said it was involuntary) the hospital docs gave him a dose of his meds he was due for that calmed him down. When he got to hospice which was about 20 minutes later (total, loading, drive was literally 1 minute, un loading) they gave him a sponge bath and gave him his medications. He was on several so I don't know exactly what was given but he passed less than 2 hours later. I think they accidently double dosed him. Hubs asked later if I would sue. I said no because he was miserable and didn't want to live like that anyway. He was going to pass anyhow and I rather it had been like it was super peaceful and with me by his side.
My mom was in so much pain that the dr. pumped morphine directly into her stomach to help end her pain, even though it's not allowed in my country. I'm eternally grateful for him that he helped her in this way. We do this for our pets all the time...why on earth is it illegal to help humans end their suffering? Gets me every time.
It has always struck me as bizarre that when a beloved pet becomes so incapacitated that its owners realize it's quality of life is gone and all that remains is pain, suffering and a longing for death we are encouraged to do the kind thing. But when it comes to our loved ones in the same situation, we make them suffer to the bitter, painful end.
Methadone is much much better for end of life. Some hospice use it, most don't.
They don't even so autopsies unless requested on these patients either. Having seen a couple of people slowly die from cancer/chemo... Send them out feeling as good as possible <3
II know of a few people who have been easedout. It's a blessing. No guilt
My grandma recently passed away. My cousin (long time druggie) is spreading rumors that my grandpa killed my grandma like this, and she's knows "because he told her". Half my family can't stomach looking at him anymore because they believe her. The other half (including me) knows thats shes more than happy lie for attention, but we also know its possible SHE believes it, as she uses hallucinogenics and she has mild schizophrenia. So its entirely possible SHE believe he told her that.
But... Did your grandmother suffered from unimaginable pain and the end was near nonetheless...? Or was your grandpa stepping the line with it...? What is the core of the situation?
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I believe she did the right thing. I am however very sorry for your loss
I have already extracted a promise from my daughter to do this to me in a similar situation. It wasn't hard to get her to agree after seeing how her great-grandmother's death was dragged out and more painful than it should ever have been.
I have witnessed several cases where people were suffering and not going to get better anymore. What they usually do is put the person to sleep, I.e. deep sedation. Then the person is asleep, doesn’t feel pain anymore and eventually dies, mostly within days. It makes it acceptable for both patient, family and doctors. Doctors who are sometimes troubled by their oath to heal instead of helping a person to die, for families who have problems with euthanasia and also for the patient, who doesn’t have to suffer anymore.
"Guilt is a feeling that results when we've engaged in activities that are harming or distressing other people. As a rule, people don't take pleasure in harming other people—especially the people they are close to," she said.
According to Professor Degges-White, confessing secrets helps get rid of the cognitive dissonance that we'd been dealing with. "When we 'fess up' about the knowledge that we've been holding onto—whatever secret we were keeping or white lie we were telling—it removes a great deal of cognitive dissonance and we feel better about being honest than we did when we were intentionally withholding information from another," she explained to Bored Panda.
My father bought me a beautiful Fender Stratocaster for my 15th Birthday. It was unique and gorgeous. I sold it to a guitar shop when I was 20 because I needed the cash. I never had the heart to tell him. I even found one exactly like it almost 10 years later, after I had become financially stable. I bought it in an instant. He still thinks I have the guitar he got me for my birthday. I still don't have the heart to tell him.
About 10 years ago I met my now wife and her 2 year old daughter that was a product of a r*pe. After falling in love with her, I decided to adopt the little girl under the condition that we tell everyone that we had a one night stand and I got her pregnant and she couldn't find me for 2 years. I don't like lying about paternity but I love this little girl so much I couldn't even fathom the idea of her growing up and finding out how she came to be. My family has big mouths so I will never let them find out. Now my parents call me the family whore and make jokes about it and it f**king pisses me off. But I love her and treat her like I treat my own son.
As a bonus, the entire reason I married my wife was to adopt her daughter. We've been married for 8 years now and my daughter is now 12. She never questions it and I will never let anyone find out the truth. It could ruin my life.
The real reason I don't talk to my mum is because she called me at 3 am one day, after she'd had a fight with her boyfriend and I had to run to her house and wrestle the pill bottle out of her hand to stop her from trying to [take her life] by OD'ing again. She refused to get help, we'd had her committed several times, and I couldn't handle the burden, at 19, of being the one physically stopping her.
Which is totally valid. A child (even at the age of 19) should not have to carry the burden to be responsible for their parents, esp. not for them staying alive. (I mean, it's fine if you - as an adult! - decide to do it) My mother has multiple severe mental and physical disorders. I felt responsible for her my entire childhood, this continued even when I moved out. I was let down by relatives with that burden because "that's what girls/daughters have to do" and "You have to be careful with your mum and take good care of her". F*ck that! A child deserves their own life.
"Whether it's nurture or nature, most people do not enjoy lying by omission or commission to others—honesty is a quality that most cultures value. Even when we're confessing to something that we feel shame for having done, the cognitive dissonance that's removed when we tell the truth and reveal the secret can be tremendous."
The truth can set us free. We really do feel better when we’ve confessed to doing something wrong or when we decide to talk about what’s been bothering us. However, at the same time, it’s inevitable that some individuals from our social circle will look at us differently.
Whether because they realize that we’re not the people they came to know or due to how our family history might make them feel very uneasy. Sometimes, withholding certain information and going for white lies is the right way forward. It all really depends on the specific situation. There’s really no one-size-fits-all approach here: you’ve got to decide what’s best for you and your nearest and dearest.
For about seven to ten years I was sexually abused by my dad. No one else in my family knows and I have never told anyone about it. I do not know exactly when it started but it has at least been going on for as long as I can remember. The last time I remember it happening was when I was 10, in a hotel room when we were on our last family vacation before my parents split up. It was never intercourse, but he touched/kissed/licked my body. I remember when I was maybe 7 years old and I kept thinking that maybe when I turned 13 dad would r*pe me and I might get pregnant.
The disgusting part is that I always really liked my dad when I was a kid. I never understood what was happening so I couldn't grasp that it was wrong. I lost contact with him for a few years when he lived with a truly disturbed and mean woman, but nowadays I do talk to him and meet him occasionally. I feel really weird about it... part of me wants to scream and cry because he really ruined me, but another part of me wants to just forget and put it all behind me. I hate that I still like him. I hate that I get so happy when he calls to wish me happy birthday. I hate that I just really want to have a dad.
Today I'm 18 and very afraid of boys/men. I can't trust anyone and I never feel safe. I am very desperate for attention and affection, but I get absolutely terrified whenever a male pays me any attention. I get uncomfortable and wonder what he wants from me. No one ever loves someone genuinely without having some dark motives.
Sorry if this was long, but long story short: I was sexually abused by my own dad for several years. It f****d me up and I don't even hate him.
I am sorry for what you have been through. You need to know that the things your father did have nothing to do with what kind of person you are or whether you are a good person or not. It is natural to have mixed feelings and thoughts toward him. I have a similar background with my father, and yet I have tons of "happy" dreams about him. Just cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourself. He's the a*****e and sick weirdo. Not you.
Probably not going to the grave with it because I'm sure the rest of my family will find out about this (some family already knows and that's how I found out) but I just found out that my homophobic/racist as [hell] step brother who is a marine has been doing gay [adult movies] for the last few years. Apparently, he is one of this site's top stars or whatever and it all has a military theme. I just found this out 3 days ago..
In the car ride home the other day from a family vacation, my date offered to drive the 9 hours home since I drove us there. I had fallen asleep but woke up abruptly when I farted. Loudly. And it stunk. I had been sleeping with his jacket over my head so I pretended to be asleep.
As I was drifting back to sleep I farted again. Just as loud. Just as smelly. I continued to pretend to be asleep, though I heard him stifle giggles.
I'll never tell him I was awake the whole time.
A while back, relationship coach Alex Scot explained to Bored Panda that transparency is vital for the health of romantic and familial relationships. We’ve got to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and see how they’d feel if we’re ever having any doubts about whether to keep something secret or to spill the beans.
"If it can affect your partner or family, there absolutely should be transparency. Whenever in doubt, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself what you would like if you were in their situation," the expert told us.
"If it wouldn’t impact them, then you have the option of keeping it to yourself. The difference between privacy and secrecy is that secrecy has a sense of shame, guilt, or knowing that your partner or family member wouldn’t be ok with whatever took place."
Throwaway because the whole point of this thread is to take this secret to the grave, right? I feel like this isn't actually that uncommon, but since it's still taboo as f**k I'm not taking any chances.
I'm generally not sexually attracted to anyone, but I *am* attracted to my cousin. He's a year younger than me and used to be the kid nobody noticed but me -- he was a little overweight for most of his childhood and was just generally awkward. I'd spend time with him and listen to him when we visited. When we were 11/12 we spent a whole week's vacation hiding under a fold-out bed with the door closed and locked just talking about our lives and how we felt about our families and all that. When we played together he used to let me tie him up and pretend that I was queen and had taken him -- a valiant warrior from a distant tribe -- prisoner. We'd also make paper airplanes and send them flying off the balcony of our grandparents' house. For a while we were really close, and then we didn't see each other for years. We drifted apart, but I found myself thinking about him every now and then, and we'd call and talk sometimes.
Fast forward a few years. I'm 17, he's 16. My family has moved closer to his. Now we're an hour apart. I'd *heard* that he's changed since I'd seen him last, but I didn't really think about it until we pulled up at my aunt's house. I say hi to everyone, they've all grown and changed. Then, fifteen minutes in, he comes downstairs fresh out of the shower apologizing for being late; he'd had to coach a junior soccer game in the southern summer heat and needed to clean up. Meanwhile, I'm dying. What the f**k happened to that awkward kid I used to know? He's 6'4", golden skin, sandy blonde hair, beautiful clear blue/green eyes. He's also lost all the baby fat and gained just enough muscle to make him look really damn good.
Since then, over the last two years, I've had to deal with this horrible attraction to him. We don't look anything alike and I basically thought of him more like a friend than a cousin growing up, and now that we're older (18/19) I keep thinking about him in incredibly inappropriate ways. He's only gotten better looking and more muscular and it's honestly the worst. A year ago he volunteered to be my model to help me practice outdoors photography (I was a fledgling photographer) and it turned into him lying shirtless on the grass and giving me these *looks.* I'm f****d in the head and I'm going to hell, but I figure as long as I keep repressing it I might get out of this alive.
Tldr: My cousin turned from an ugly duckling to, essentially, a greek god. I've been attracted to him for the past two years. Kinda hate myself.
God, it feels good to get this off my chest, even though I'm already kind of regretting it. Thanks, reddit. Hopefully I won't get too much backlash here.
There was a math competition/test in grade 8, and this was to actually decide who got the math award at graduation, but we didn't know that at the time. They grabbed all the top students, including me and my best friend, and we were probably the two smartest kids in the grade. Well my friend was always faster than me at completing tests, assignments, etc. he just had that gift of always flying through these things, so I knew he would crush this competition/test.
There was about 15 of us in a computer lab, all spaced apart, the test was done on a math program (I can't remember what it was called) and it was some long a*s weird word problem that was actually meant to confuse us. Well while the teacher was explaining the test I was clicking through one of the network drives and I found a folder that said Final.Test.William (my name is William). I was like "That's really weird I don't remember making this?" so I opened it up, and BOOM! it had the answer for our competition.
So I quickly copy and pasted it onto Word so no can see, and then once we started I minimized Word into the corner and re-wrote out the answer in my own words. This only took me about 10 minutes to do, and the teach said this should take everyone at least an hour. So I sit there for another 10-15 minutes just to play it safe, and then I told the teach I was done. He came over and was amazed how fast I completed the test.
Graduation comes and I receive the math award and the teacher explains how amazed he was how fast I had completed the test in record time. I found out that day the teacher's name was also William. Funny end to the story, my best friend and I actually live together now and he is a very successful Architect and I'm an Engineer. Years later he still brings it up and asks "How the f**k did you do that test so fast? That was mine and you know it"
I always tell my wife how much I love her makeup that day.
I hate it. I wish she would stop wearing it but it makes her happy so I decide to lie.
Plot twist: she hates her makeup and wears it only because she thinks her husband loves it... :D
According to relationship coach Alex, smaller instances of trust being broken can take a while to get past. However, for larger offenses, “be prepared to be overly transparent for a time and hire a therapist or coach to walk you through the process. Trust takes consistency to rebuild and consistency equals effort over time."
Meanwhile, relationship and dating expert Dan Bacon, from The Modern Man, explained the difference between secrecy and privacy to us.
“In a relationship, secrecy is about keeping secrets from the other person, whereas privacy is when you are free from being observed or disturbed by the other person,” he told Bored Panda. According to him, emotionally independent people who are confident and happy “regardless of what the other person says or does” will be all right giving each other some space.
However, needy people are far less likely to give others privacy because they need “the other person’s attention to make themselves feel okay on a daily basis.”
My dad was having a heart attack in front of me and my mother, she yelled at me to go get help but I froze in fear. He later died which caused my mother to become addicted to prescription pain killer and then killed herself while my brother also killed himself a year later.
TL;dr I ruined my family.
You didn't. You may feel this way but you didn't. Freezing is one of three psychological reactions that are so damn deep in our genes, you just can't react differently in such a stress situation. Please seek help to work on this. You don't deserve to feel responsible and guilty for a situation that wasn't in your hands.
TL;DR I "stole" my dad's expensive stamp collection because my family was fighting over it. I'm safekeeping it until everyone who fought over it is dead and turning it into a family heirloom.
Before my dad fell off the wagon, he assembled a beautiful stamp collection. I really loved watching him collect them as a kid. Life happened. He became a non functioning alcoholic. My parents got divorced. He moved in with his girlfriend. Then he beat his girlfriend, and she kicked him out and got a restraining order.
At that time I was living on my own attending college one state over. My mom called from the other side of the country. Somehow she'd just found out my father had left his valuable stamp collection in his ex's garage. My mother had been having money problems and asked me to retrieve it for her so she could sell it. I was reluctant because finals were coming up, and I was broke. It would cost me a lot in gas and the trip was long enough I'd need to sleep at a motel, too. My mother said she'd give me 10% of the sale if I got it for her. She anticipated selling the collection for $10,000. I agreed to get the collection for her.
The trip was miserable right away. My car was an ancient beater that burned through gas. By the time I got to the ex's neighborhood, I'd spent so much money on fuel, I had to sleep in my car every night. Though I'd been told she was expecting me, this was clearly a lie. His ex had no idea I was on my way at all. Thankfully, she was happy to let me take whatever I wanted that my father had left behind.
As soon as I had the stamps, I called my mother. She was ecstatic, claiming she'd found someone who would buy the stamps sight unseen for $1,000, and she was very excited about her upcoming windfall. I told her she'd said the collection was worth ten times that. She said she was sure it was but didn't have the energy to shop around and would just go with the offer she'd been made. I asked if she was still going to give me 10%? No, since she'd only be getting a tenth of what she'd anticipated when she'd made the offer, she no longer had money to spare to pay me. Also, could I pay the shipping to mail the box?
I was furious and just said "I'll see what I can do," and hung up to decide what exactly I was going to do. Once I had calmed down, I decided I'd sell the collection myself for as high as I could, take my 10%, and cut her a check for the rest. Before I could call her back, my phone rang. My mother had called my father to rub it in that she was getting his stamp collection, and he'd called me to scream at me and demand I turn around and bring it to him instead.
By the time I had made my way back home, my parents had tag teamed me with so many angry calls, I'd had to shut off my phone. My e-mails (both personal and school), my AIM, my Facebook, hell, even my DeviantArt account was flooded with messages from both of them trying to convince me to send them the collection. The messages swung wildly between being sweet and pleading to angry and accusatory.
I told my mom if she gave me $80 to cover the gas I'd bought and accept the collection POD, I'd wash my hands of this, but she was too angry to negotiate. She wanted the stamps. She wanted them now. She wanted them no strings attached.
Angrily, I shoved the collection into my closet and told her to stop calling. So of course she called every. Single. Day. She called from friend's numbers, blocked numbers, she sent me e-mails, texts, private messages, snail mail. F**K. She sent me FLOWERS with messages begging me to pick up the phone.
Eventually, the storm died down over the course of a year, but we'd pretty effectively stopped talking. Then one day, my sister knocked on my door. I was baffled. I knew she'd be in town for a game, but we were not friends and I wasn't expecting her to visit. She said mom had sent her to pick up the stamps.
I was furious all over again. But I kept my cool, went back into my house, and packed all the inexpensive parts of the collection into one box- unfilled binders, info books, various supplies for setting the stamps in their books, and the junior stamp collected kits I'd done with him as a kid. I told her it was all I'd found and passed it off.
My mom later called and said she'd sent it back to my father without ever opening it because it had caused so much drama between everyone. The air cleared a lot between us after that, even though I still have the stamps, though my father hasn't spoken to me since.
I'm not going to tell my family I still have the stamps. I've brought them with me every move I've made. They've crossed the planet with me. Twice. I've never once tried to sell them or even had them appraised. No one involved in the in incident- my mother, my father, my sister, not even me- is going to profit off the stamps. They're staying away from the light of day until I have a grandchild or grand-niece/nephew I decide will appreciate them. And if I'm not the last of us four alive when the time comes to pass them off, they go into long term storage and willed to that person to be opened only once all four of us are dead.
Good for you. Screw that AH family, they don’t deserve someone like you
The wife of a close friend knows that the friend was closeted and was gay before they got married. She believes that she is the only reason he decided to be straight instead. She admitted this to me on a 12-hour road trip once and then realized she'd said too much and swore me to secrecy. I didn't tell her that, before getting married, the close friend admitted to me that he wanted to be gay but that he never dared to out of fear of judgment of his rural, conservative family. He almost didn't get married because he didn't think he could pull it off, but it seemed like the to save face with his family. They have been married over 20 years now.
“Each relationship is different in terms of secrecy and privacy, but for a relationship to work, both people need to fully trust each other and allow the other person to take responsibility for that trust on their own,” relationship expert Dan said.
“In other words, there’s no need to continually remind the other person about being trustworthy, demand it, or sulk about it. Just give your trust to the other person and let them take care of it. If they break your trust, then that is their mistake. However, if you regularly demand that they be trustworthy and make them promise not to cheat or betray you, then that is your mistake.”
The expert noted that it’s not always necessary to tell the other person absolutely everything. “Sometimes, past truths can ruin the current relationship,” he said that withholding some information is fine if you’re no longer the person you used to be and you’ve atoned for your mistakes.
One night I woke up with my mind in a twist, my mom was in the hospital at the time, I had a crazy urge to call them and check on her, but I reasoned not to because I couldn't think of an excuse so I fell back to sleep. 5am I get a call that they checked on her and she didn't have a pulse, I just think there was something I could have done that destroys me to even think about it.
I think it was her saying goodbye to you. I don't think you could do something.
I'm a 6ft4, 320lb MMA fighter, bouncer, and weight lifter. My Dad thinks of me as the manliest guy in the world, and often times I'll even feign a call and chat with ine of my female friends. He thinks I'm a chick magnet since I get a decent amount of looks in public if my shirt is tighter than usual.
His daughter is a 35 year old woman with two kids, both of which are failing school. She married a deadbeat and essentially is ruined, living in a sh**ty leased house which she struggles to keep afloat. I know my Dad wants me to be successful, form a family, and pretty much be the successor of his family. To bear him eventual grandchildren even, and just to be his "pride."
I don't have the heart to tell him I'm gay, and since he was raised rather racist considering he is of German decent and his father was a decently high ranking KKK member, he'd be even more pissed that I'm dating a latino guy. He isn't very open minded at all, and is pretty strict and tunneled in his views. I don't think I coukd ever break his heart and tell him.
To top it all off, he was ahem.. "snipped" rather early on in life, so there's no chance of having another success kid. He expects the world out of me, and I wish I could give him that. I just want him to be happy.
He chose to bring you into the world. You owe him nothing. Be who you are. I can't suggest whether you should tell him or not, but please don't feel guilty for being you and not mini him.
My friend in 8th grade called me before he killed himself and told me it was my fault. If I called his mom sooner instead of feeling sorry for myself and for him he might still be here
Life is filled with if only. You were a child. His choice is not your fault. His mental health is not your fault. His mother's not realizing (or possibly being unable to admit) that her child had a serious problem is not your fault. Please try not to let needless guilt hurt you. Celebrate what you loved about your friend, and that he was a part of your life.
In 5th grade, I cheated on an exam. My buddy and I were the only two people in the grade who got this particular question correct, but I copied him. The worst part was he was considered 'dumb' while I was at the top of the class, so the teacher was convinced that he copied me and he ended up getting suspended.
Long story short, I was too p**sy to admit that I was the one who cheated as my parents would have murdered me if I failed the test and even worse if I got suspended.
That I hate all my f*****g friends for not inviting me anywhere and my cycles of sudden realization that nobody cares about me except for my family.
Go yourself. Find something you seriously enjoy, and pursue it. Find people with that interest, and you may be surprised at how soon you have friends that want to do things with you.
I saw my friends nipple when I looked down her bra the other night whilst nursing her sunburnt shoulders and back
My parents are divorced and remarried (my dad is very happily married to my step-mom; my mom, is not so happily married to my step-dad).
They both confided in me a long time ago that they’re both still very much in love with each other (separately, of course; they live thousands of miles apart), but they asked me to never tell anybody in our lives about this. I intend on keeping that promise, but it hurts to know that they still feel so strongly about each other, and maybe, just maybe, could have gotten back together if they weren’t so proud and stubborn.
Such is life.
Edit: extra detail that I totally forgot to mention - when I turned 18, my father and his parents (we’re all very close) sat me down and handed me a folder with everything that happened regarding their divorce. All of the letters between my parents, the confession of the situation that started it all, and it kind of shattered my world at the time. I had this image of my mom and my dad, and these images and ideas of who they were had to be edited to add all of this new information in, and they clashed very strongly. Over time, I came to understand that people change, and the parents I saw dealing with their divorce are not the parents I have today.
My mom was only 19 when they started dating, and they married 2 years later. My dad was 7 years older, so he had more life experience. From what I gathered, my mom just wasn’t ready for that kind of life, that kind of commitment. I understand it a lot clearer now that I’ve been in my own relationship with my partner for 4 years now, and we got together when he was 18 and I was 21. Things are all the more difficult when you’re living with someone at such a young age. We’ve made it work and we are extremely happy that we did, but we honestly felt like it would end at any point during the first 2.5 years; they were hellish.
It also didn’t help that my mom came from a pastor’s family, and they were extremely strict, to the point of disregarding their faith for the sake of the family image to the public. There are some very dark stories about that, but this thread isn’t the place to get into that, I feel.
That this child isn't actually my bastard, but my sister's son, whose dad passed away.
I think the term "bastard" in reference to a child can be retired forever. We must elevate our thinking, temper our judgements, and open our hearts, particularly when it comes to innocent children.
When I was younger I was at my friends house sledding. He had to leave with his family but I kept sledding. I lost control and ran over a baby pine tree they had planted earlier in the year. A tree they had planted in remembrance of my friends grandma passing away that year. I had snapped the tree when I hit it. So I just stuck it in the snow and left. Weeks later and it warms up enough that the snow melts and the tree falls over. They were devastated when they discovered their tree was broken with no explanation how it happened.
Just thank the Gods your friend was not a Russian Hitman, we all know the result from the last time that happened....
That I'm actually really f*****g miserable. I really dislike the rest of the family save Grandma and Aunt. Everyday I want to just disappear and there is no one I genuinely love. I don't even know what it feels like to love. And I don't know why. I don't know what I want to do in life and would love to have never been to college. I really just want friends but I'm a depressed wreck who's limited and is too scared to do anything to change it.
I can't tell anyone about this because everyone says just to go out and meet people or get help. No car, no buses here, nowhere to meet people, and a social wreck. We can't afford help. And it just kills me to never tell my mom, the one person I should tell because she'll either say I'm overreacting or feel like she failed as a mother.
Edit 1: Thanks for offers guys and gals. Sad to say talking doesn't help me anymore. I used to talk about problems but it never made me feel better or actually changed things.
When I was like... 10 or 11, a lot of my classmates got glasses. I thought they were pretty cool, so I faked having myopia in order to get glasses as well. I wasn't too dumb tho, I pretended that I could see better with lenses that had a small diopter so they didn't actually damage my eyesight. The downside was that my parents thought using the computer had something to do with it, so they didn't allow me to use it anymore. Also, I got bored of the glasses quickly, so there's that. I don't really wear them anymore, but I'm ashamed to tell my folks that I faked having bad eyesight because they were really upset at the time.
When I was a toddler, I had to wear braces so my feet didn't turn outwards. They came off before I could remember, and I walked fine. When my brother started high school, his mental issues caused him a lot of trouble. I wasn't getting enough attention, and I started walking with my foot turned to get it. My parents spent a lot of money to find nothing wrong.
I was using my dad's computer and it auto-completed "(our city) escorts". I was fourteen and had no idea what to do. It's been 8 years now so I feel it's kind of past the familial statute of limitations
Yea... If you ever use my computer you would probably call the frikking Cops lol, just because its in the search history doesn't mean that your dad was looking for hookers.
I'm still married but have been in a relationship with my SO for a year and a half. I was in a really ugly, domestic violence ridden marriage with my childhood sweetheart, one night he choked me in a grocery store parking lot until I blacked out and the next day I maxed out my credit card and got on a plane to Florida to see my grandma. I graduated college a week prior and didn't have a job and had no financial means to leave my husband. I stayed in Florida for about a month, took my state boards for my RN license and passed the exam. I flew back to my home state, called my mom who I hadn't spoken to in 5 years and went to stay with her. About a week later I found my first RN job and worked while I stayed with my parents and was miserable and tried to hide from my crazy husband. Fast forward a few months and I saved about 5 grand. I was constantly scared of my husband knowing where I was and coming to find me, it was just an all around absolutely shitty time in my life. I have never been so depressed. I told my mom I had enough money to either hire an attorney or move far away somewhere that I could be safe and start over but I didn't know what to do. She encouraged me to leave and start fresh and take care of myself for a while. So I did. I packed what little I had in my car and drove across the country with no plan to somewhere I had only visited a few times. I ended up doing ok, finding a job as soon as I got here (yay nursing) and never telling anyone about my actual past. Everyone thinks I'm a divorced girl who left the Midwest because of the Cold. To this day the only people who know I'm actually still married is my family back home. I'm just now getting to the point where I can probably start figuring out how to get divorced but still scared that my ex will find out where I live through the divorce process/papers and would have to work really hard to keep it all a secret so my current SO doesn't find out. It's a serious relationship and we've talked about marriage etc and I plan to try as hard as I can to keep this all a secret. He would never forgive me if he found out I had been lying the entire time about being secretly married.
Tl;dr ran away from abusive husband moved across the country started a new life and currently in a serious relationship with someone who has no idea I'm married.
Some courts will help you conceal details of your location if you're the victim of domestic abuse.
In 7th grade, me and my friend Simon got the password for the admin accounts on our classroom's computer and our teacher always came in late so we would just change our grades whenever we got to class before him and the door was unlocked. I'm pretty sure this is what got me into a really good high school because i rarely did homework, but I usually knew the material.
Note: this post originally had 49 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
"49 Secrets That People Promised Themselves They’d Never Tell Anyone Else" So they all lied
The one about the s*x addict that implies they're having s*x? Yeah, let's hope it's made up!
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I've just realised that I've written an answer to someone who's probably never ever going to see it as these are all reddit submissions. Is BP a Partner?
No, they just repost content from Reddit, Instagram, etc. Most of the sites have old, archived, stored sites that are still readable but not active because all those posts take up a lot of room and aren't topical any more. So a lot on here is old stuff from places.
Load More Replies... Randomly clicking to see the original reddit thread it seems all of these (well the 12 or so I checked) are at least 6 years old. Maybe that's the norm here as I don't usually check the OP's?
Imagine a fresh. new BP question off on the right side that said, "Hey Pandas! Tell us a secret you hoped to take to your grave" and let us all input instead of these re-old-reddit and ancient things reposted. I know it's a lot of work, BP...butwhy not post a form that BPers can type up anonamously if they want, or sign a different name than their BP one...get some new content to asked questions? Then other sites will be linking to YOU, not the other way around.
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I wouldn't be interested in him as a bedmate. Roommates with legal benefits. But nowadays, a gay man can marry his partner, so like I said, I wouldn't expect to be needed as a wife. But if the guy and I were friends, I'd be willing to.
"49 Secrets That People Promised Themselves They’d Never Tell Anyone Else" So they all lied
The one about the s*x addict that implies they're having s*x? Yeah, let's hope it's made up!
Load More Replies... I've just realised that I've written an answer to someone who's probably never ever going to see it as these are all reddit submissions. Is BP a Partner?
No, they just repost content from Reddit, Instagram, etc. Most of the sites have old, archived, stored sites that are still readable but not active because all those posts take up a lot of room and aren't topical any more. So a lot on here is old stuff from places.
Load More Replies... Randomly clicking to see the original reddit thread it seems all of these (well the 12 or so I checked) are at least 6 years old. Maybe that's the norm here as I don't usually check the OP's?
Imagine a fresh. new BP question off on the right side that said, "Hey Pandas! Tell us a secret you hoped to take to your grave" and let us all input instead of these re-old-reddit and ancient things reposted. I know it's a lot of work, BP...butwhy not post a form that BPers can type up anonamously if they want, or sign a different name than their BP one...get some new content to asked questions? Then other sites will be linking to YOU, not the other way around.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't be interested in him as a bedmate. Roommates with legal benefits. But nowadays, a gay man can marry his partner, so like I said, I wouldn't expect to be needed as a wife. But if the guy and I were friends, I'd be willing to.
