Sorry, parents, but your sons and daughters have secrets. Whether they don't want to upset you or are sick and tired of the "same old lecture," they keep some things to themselves. It's normal. And it doesn't mean they hate you or anything. Plus, there's a good chance that eventually they will open up to you. Probably. If you're treating them right.
Because as Reddit user 1quid_nurgget found out when they asked, "What is the biggest secret you've kept from your parents?", children often get back at their moms and dads by simply keeping their lives away from them. Yes, there were a few innocent answers, but they were mostly exceptions. Continue scrolling and take a look for yourself.
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I told them that I was doing a extra on site learning course for uni in which I would be away for 31 days interstate. My husband sorted out the kids so he was fine.
I actually went to a residential rehab and got clean and sober. Didn’t tell them until I was released. They literally had no idea.
If you also are carrying big secrets with you, be careful. They hurt. Turns out, secrecy is associated with lower well-being, worse health, and less satisfying relationships. Researchers have been linking secrecy to increased anxiety, depression, symptoms of poor health, and even the more rapid progression of disease. The explanation for this is kinda intuitive: hiding secrets is hard work. You have to be careful with what you say and if people ask you about something related to the secret, you must not let it slip through. This requires evasion and/or deception, which can be really exhausting.
I make more money than I let on. My parents have and will always be the "I take care of you all your life, time for you to pay it back" type of parent. Except there is no end to this "debt". So I hide money from them so they can't take advantage of me
On the other post about what parents should teach their children is one about this. That the children didn't decide to be born. It were the parents making this decision so the children don't owe them anything.
I agree. Parents chose children. An automatic obligation should not exist.
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Parents who think of their children as a long term investment usually end up as lonely old people .
Just refuse to pay them. What's the worse they can do? They cannot punish you for the same things like they did when you were a child. If you have your own place they can't ground you and or take away TV privileges. And if they try physical punishment like slapping you either report them to the police or at least threaten to. The mere threat should be enough. It was for my Dad. He was like this. We had an argument once and he came back at me and said "you know, I can still give you a good hiding". To which I replied "try it and I will report you and I will take it all the way" I was 23 at the time. He knew I meant it. He never threatened me again. Some parents are bullies. And like bullies once you stand up to them and show you're not afraid of them anymore or won't take any more of their crap they leave you alone. Try it . It's your money it's up to you what you do with it. You don't owe them anything.
My SIL goes through this. Her father insists that he be given money to pay him back for raising her and her sister. It always something with him...he complains that they spend money on the children for Christmas when she owes him so much, he starts in January asking about their tax refund because he is owed. I asked her about it one time and she said that he feels her and her sister owe him for everything he spent when they were growing up. She had to have braces on her teeth as a child and it cost him $1200 and she paid him for that, her mother bought her a prom dress and he wanted paid back for that. It never ends.
I would stop all contact, plus I'll bet he did not pay his parents back a dime.
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That's sad! I enjoyed buying my mother stuff after I started making more money than she ever did.
I expect the difference is she never asked for it or expected anything back. Any parent who thinks they have the right to their 'money back' are absolutely out of order. You are supposed to do it for the love of the child, not some future investment. What children need to realise is that you can walk away from your parents and be perfectly happy. Sometimes is a necessity.
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Unless the parents are poor (and even then) why would you charge your children for having taken care of them (which is basically your duty as a parent)?? The kid didn't ask to be born etc.!
And what would happen if the son asks to be paid for all the expenses he will have in life, because they did not ask to be born, they brought him to this world without asking, in that case the parents must pay. what the hell are thinking some parents asking to be paid back
My child makes twice what me and his Dad make but when he comes home we buy groceries and take care of him like he is still a kid, what kind of parents do this!? You raise you children to of course do better than you did, this makes me sad...
parents choose to have kids.... the kid "owes" you nothing. YES, in an ideal world, family stick together in support of eachother... BUT, they don't "OWE" eachother anything, unless it's a business transaction. Too many toxic parents / family out there....
That is sad, and not any reason to be a parent! This makes a quid pro quo situation, and that is beyond the saddest thing.
This Is so strange from my perspective. As a mom I expect kids to grow, find something in their lives that they can live out, and luckily enjoy doing, and move away to their own places. Why would anyone take advantadge of their own kids? It just doesnt make sense. If young adult kid decides to stay when they get a job, sit down AND talk about a living agreement where they are also responsible for aspects of daily living maintenance. This Is also good for them!
I do think there is an obligation of children towards their parents to care for them in old age. That's how family shoudk work: the strong take care of the weak. But for the rest of one's life: Go manage it yourself. please.
My extended family tried this with me... I just told them to bugger off, as I didn't "owe" them a thing for the choices they made, and I would NOT feel guilty for their choices. Best decision I made, because my sibling has literally wasted their entire life / money etc, willingly being ripped off by our parents / aunts / uncles, out of some kind of "debt". So toxic. :(
I think you should look out for your parents when you’ve reached financial success to some degree, but it’s a privilege not an entitlement.
When they need it yes but not 'payback because I paid for you your whole life'.
Load More Replies...New research, however, suggests that the harm of secrets comes not from keeping it, but from having to live with it.
To better understand the harms of secrecy, scientists set out to understand what secrets people keep in the first place. They found that 97 percent of people have at least one secret at any given moment, and people have, on average, 13 secrets. A survey of more than 5,000 participants revealed that common secrets include preferences, desires, issues surrounding relationships and sex, cheating, infidelity and violations of others' trust.
The paper states that when a person confides a secret to a third party, it does not reduce how often they have to conceal the secret from others who are still kept in the dark. Rather, it reduces how often their mind ponders about the secret in irrelevant moments.
That my sister is gay. She openly admits it to everyone, except for my family. She opened up to me, eventually but both my parents and older brother don't know about it. Since then we've become a lot closer than when we were kids.
Revealing a secret can feel cathartic and relieving. But mere catharsis may not be enough. When confiding a secret, the conversation that follows is what's really helpful. People report that when they share a secret with another person, they often receive emotional support, useful guidance, and helpful advice. These forms of support make them feel more confident and capable in coping with carrying the secret. So it's important to talk about what you're hiding. Even with the Internet. Anonymously. A single conversation can lead to a healthier mind.
My mom always wondered why i didn't have friends in high school and it is because we were broke and I knew she was struggling so i refused anytime people wanted to do things so I wouldn't ask for money then in my last year of high school I worked full time so I had no time to make friends
This could be me talking. Another anecdote: in high school, one class had a three-day field trip to Mexico. I remember the first restaurant stop we had where the teacher said of course we’d have to pay for all of our food. I had maybe $2 in my pocket.
That I’m not going to finish my degree and I’ve paid off my student loans. My degree was pointless and I don’t do well in school due to my ADHD. My dad constantly asks when I’m going to finish and stop bartending...I just say soon. I hate disappointing them because my Dad gets very proud of my sister and I with our accomplishments...but truth be told, I’m quite content with the 60k I make bartending. My degree would've only pulled 35k starting.
Time to say, "Dad, I found my niche in bartending, and it means I have more money and less debt. That's a good thing." We're not all meant for college-degree-career-things.
I am transgender. I haven't told literally anyone I know. I live in the bible belt in the south, and my grandfather is the pastor and owner of a fairly large church. I don't have any plans on telling anyone or transitioning until I move from the town I'm living in right now.
My location for the past 25 years.
There are people in my family who haven't seen me in person for nearly 30 years, and I'm keeping it that way. Don't judge til you know why we hide. In my case, for my safety.
I met the guy my mom told me was my real father. We did a DNA test and there is a 0% chance. He even took me on a white water rafting trip with his wife and son. I’ve never told her.
Never liked the phrase "real parent" in this context. To my mind your REAL mother/father is the one who stuck with you and raised you and cleaned your bum when you were a baby. Biological parent is the one who contributed to your conception, but if that's all they did that doesn't make them an actual parent.
That I was molested as a kid and suicidal for years afterwards. They knew I had a nervous breakdown Freshman year of High School and was suicidal at 15, they didn't know I'd been messed up since I was 10.
They had no idea I left my job with the cable company to sell cars / write up oil changes for almost a year. I was emotionally burnt out from the bulls**t and couldn't take it anymore so I tried switching careers. Didn't really pan out, but it did get me away from that toxic s**thole of a company and allowed me to figure out what I actually wanted to do and go from there.
My parents are very staunch Muslims. They raised me strictly in Islam and they figure that I’m a good Muslim like the rest of my siblings. I love my parents and they are good people, but I don’t have the heart to tell them that I’ve never really believed in religion and it only got worse when I got older and went to college. I don’t know how to keep this façade any longer because whenever I’m home I have to act as Muslim as possible, and I know if I would want them in my life I would have to follow Islamic traditions that just aren’t for me.
Maybe some of the siblings feel the same and are just pretending too?
When I was 12 I saw emails on my mom's iPod touch. The emails were very suggestive and were between my mother and another man. I never told my dad that I saw those emails. I wish I did, because it turned out that she was cheating on him.
This is the first time I've mentioned it to anyone. It feels good to get it off my chest.
That’s really hard, but please know that it wasn’t your job or responsibility to tell her.
I want to be a dental surgeon, but my parents want me to go to school for a crackpot antivaxx "holistic" naturopathic doctor because they don't trust modern medicine. I'm afraid that if I tell them, They well refuse to pay for my college/dental school expenses, or worse, disowned.
They have a grandchild.
They don't know how depressed I actually am.
My parents divorced when I was eight. My dad left, and I never saw much of him. Among other issues, he came out to my brother and I before they divorced. I never told my mother that he was gay. My father passed in 2011, my mother in 2017. I think she had an idea, but we never discussed it. He was born in 1945, before such a thing was accepted, and attempted at 'passing.'
Why wouldn’t you tell? I can imagine that this would be a release of pressure on the parent that got dumped if they knew that it wasn’t their fault and it was just biology.
That I'm a lesbian. And that that "friend" who I don't invite home anymore is actually my ex...
Just how abusive my ex was.
i just pay escorts to show as my 'girlfriend' so they would stop telling their friends to hook me up with their daughters.
every gathering they would show up meet everyone and always have to leave early.
i pay by hour.
This isn't too bad, but I never really want to have kids. Maybe one day that might change, but I haven't told my parents as they both seem so happy to think that one day they'll be grandparents and that I'll be a mother and we'll all be happy and - Mum? I already have enough stress.
That I thought I have mental problems but I keep pushing it down and trying to fix it myself, because I think that people will think its for the attention and it makes me question myself but I try to be normal.
Just go see a therapist. That's a neutral person, who won't think it's attention seeking.
My mom has made derogatory comments about lesbian/bi women. I think that if I came out as bi she'd make it seem like she'd accept it, but deep down she wouldn't really. I don't think I'll ever be coming out fully.
I recorded Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz over my sister's high school graduation video.
It's been about 18 years, but I still feel bad.
I’ve read or written fan fiction since I was 16 years old. I have no idea what they thought I was laughing at on my laptop for the last ten years but I’m glad they didn’t know the truth. Some of it is preeeeetty explicit.
I was a high functioning depressed alcoholic for my whole college life.
When I was at Walmart with my mom, and I stole 2 of those big cartons full of Pokemon Cards. Took the cards and stuffed them in my backpocket. I planned the whole robbery a week before. I was the best robber at 9.
Once me,my mum and Grandma was in a shop and they're selecting Jewelry for themselves while I was holding a Headpiece. It was quite expensive and that exactly moment Electricity goes off. We're wait for few minutes before Electricity came after shopping on the way to our house my mommy Was mad at me for returning that Headpiece to Shop staff anyway Guys don't let your kids teach to steal anything ;)
I actually DID know why my laptop wasn't working. I spilt a fair bit of Jack Daniel's on it.
So, your laptop was drunk. Just give it a night to sober up.
My mum doesn't know I've been arrested twice, one time with my dad.
I have an eating disorder. I’ve had one since I was 11, and I even went to the hospital for it. They still don’t know.
I know that my mom’s cheating on my dad. He doesn’t know it’s happening (to my knowledge) and she doesn’t know that I know.
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So many people who are afraid to be themselves. So much pain and grief. I hope you all find your peace and place in life xoxox
Thank you for your kind words. I wish the same for you too!
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That I’ve been homeless more times than I care to count and got sick to death of my mother and step dad saying oh you’ll find somewhere soon..for the last 15 years. Yet not lifting a finger to help and only giving me useless advice.
I’m so sorry you have parents like that. You’re a supposed to be a parent for life. Being an adult doesn’t stop the necessity of being one.
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I haven’t spoken to my parents or siblings for 7 years & I regret nothing. Cut out toxicity & racists from your life
I not only didn't see my father, I didn't talk to him even on the phone from 1981 until he died in 1997. I took endless harassment from my mother about it, but I have no regrets. I decided afterwards that she really WAS as toxic as he was (she stood by and let him beat me like a rented mule) and cut her off too. ///..../// Freedom.
Load More Replies... I’ve hidden so many things from my parents, even now and I’m in my 30s. They’re really judgmental and too expressive of their disappointment. I wish they would just let me be myself
I hid the fact that I was sexually abused by my cousin from the ages of 5 - 14 for over 30 years. When I finally had the courage to tell my Mom & brother, my brother was incredibly angry... my Mom... I don't know if she doesn't believe me, or doesn't care, but she never mentions anything & continues to give me updates on his life, wife & kids. That hurts a lot.
I'm so sorry. Your mom should not be reminding you of your molester.
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That I am confused about my sexual orientation. Also that I went from poking myself with a tack to small cuts. I can relate to a lot of these posts.
Can you talk to someone, maybe a professional? You are suffering and that is so sad. Hope you will be okay.
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What makes me uncomfortable is that I can relate to a lot of this, I'm transgender, and I have depression but haven't told anyone other than my close non-binary friend
Robbie I keep on repeating myself, it's your life and nobody else. You are very brave for having become the person you wanted to be deep down. It took much courage and pain to have gone through this with out the support of your your family. I wish all the best for you.
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I didn’t want all my tea so threw a whole chicken breast on the floor for the cats to deal with it. I was afraid of mum's reaction if I said I didn’t want it. Then I heard my dad coming back downstairs, grabbed the chicken off the cats (angry) gave it a quick wipe just in time for him to open the door. I asked him if he wanted the chicken - he readily accepted it not knowing what had just happened to it. What’s really sad about this is that I was in my early thirties and still lived at home, and scared of incurring mums wrath!
Ok, I feel the need to add on to this thread. I nearly commit suicide last week because I've been stressed out about my grades, my not having enough money, my fake friends, COVID, basketball, work, and the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me. He made me feel so special and then when I dumped him he said "That's fine, I don't really care. I was just dating you for clout and because I felt bad that no one else would date you anyway." The only reason I didn't is because my mom pulled into the driveway as I was about to slit my throat.
TheDemonUnderYourBed I’m so glad your mom came home in time. The guy is a complete louse! Keep the friends you trust. See an advisor about your grades. See if your employer has some wiggle room for your hours: more of them or less. Some people are just shite and should be punted to the curb. Breathe deeply often, proven stress reliever. Life can feel overwhelming for sooo many. You are not alone. Focus on one thing at a time and it might not all be easy, but you will grow and become more adept at caring for yourself. Best wishes. You can do this!
Load More Replies... Some of these are very sand, and unsafe situations for the people. Ish I could help
Much love and hugs to all of you! Depression is hard, and it doesn't go away if you "take a walk" or "do fun stuff", or whatever. It's a physical issue! Also, friends are the family you choose💗✌
@GoHawks, no, depression does not 'go away' if you take a walk, but it gets much more manageable if you go for walks or go running often. Preferably daily, preferably nature walks, and during daylight hours. Light is very important for our mental well being. It is, as you say, a physical issue and we humans need both exercise and daylight to keep our biochemistry functioning as it is supposed to.
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never really kept secrets from my parents. sometimes i would omit things for a while but would eventually tell them. my mom would say she often dreaded asking me a question because she knew i wouldn't lie to her. she passed 4 yrs ago. recently, i commented to my dad how i must have been a disappointment to her bc i wasn't the feminine lady she wanted; he agreed. but, then he said i was who she wanted me to be: a strong independent woman. it's just that mom wasn't ready for the reality of that. after some thought, i think he is spot on with that analysis.
I have a mental illness. I'm a trans lesbian. I vote Democrat. I'm quite happy single and might never be in a relationship again. I don't know if I love them. Basically, they don't know me. I don't really have to "keep it from them" - they're not interested.
I feel sorry for all the kids who carry the burden of keeping one parent's misdeeds from the other parent. I feel even sorrier for the kids who have to question if they will still be loved and accepted for who they are. To you kids, let me say that wherever you are, I love and accept you EXACTLY as you are and hope you will find that love and acceptance in your life soon.
My husband and I are planning to move to another province, 2 hours away from my parents, and we haven’t told them yet. We will, but I know it’ll break their hearts and my dad will need to go on antidepressants again, so we’re waiting until we bought a house and finalized things.
I have never told my parent's that my husband of 36 years is also a BDSM master and my dom. Man does my uptight mother ever need a good spanking from my poor pussywhipped father.
Well, that's probably good. You don't want to parade the stupid in front of the world.
Load More Replies... So many people who are afraid to be themselves. So much pain and grief. I hope you all find your peace and place in life xoxox
Thank you for your kind words. I wish the same for you too!
Load More Replies... That I’ve been homeless more times than I care to count and got sick to death of my mother and step dad saying oh you’ll find somewhere soon..for the last 15 years. Yet not lifting a finger to help and only giving me useless advice.
I’m so sorry you have parents like that. You’re a supposed to be a parent for life. Being an adult doesn’t stop the necessity of being one.
Load More Replies... I haven’t spoken to my parents or siblings for 7 years & I regret nothing. Cut out toxicity & racists from your life
I not only didn't see my father, I didn't talk to him even on the phone from 1981 until he died in 1997. I took endless harassment from my mother about it, but I have no regrets. I decided afterwards that she really WAS as toxic as he was (she stood by and let him beat me like a rented mule) and cut her off too. ///..../// Freedom.
Load More Replies... I’ve hidden so many things from my parents, even now and I’m in my 30s. They’re really judgmental and too expressive of their disappointment. I wish they would just let me be myself
I hid the fact that I was sexually abused by my cousin from the ages of 5 - 14 for over 30 years. When I finally had the courage to tell my Mom & brother, my brother was incredibly angry... my Mom... I don't know if she doesn't believe me, or doesn't care, but she never mentions anything & continues to give me updates on his life, wife & kids. That hurts a lot.
I'm so sorry. Your mom should not be reminding you of your molester.
Load More Replies... That I am confused about my sexual orientation. Also that I went from poking myself with a tack to small cuts. I can relate to a lot of these posts.
Can you talk to someone, maybe a professional? You are suffering and that is so sad. Hope you will be okay.
Load More Replies... What makes me uncomfortable is that I can relate to a lot of this, I'm transgender, and I have depression but haven't told anyone other than my close non-binary friend
Robbie I keep on repeating myself, it's your life and nobody else. You are very brave for having become the person you wanted to be deep down. It took much courage and pain to have gone through this with out the support of your your family. I wish all the best for you.
Load More Replies... I didn’t want all my tea so threw a whole chicken breast on the floor for the cats to deal with it. I was afraid of mum's reaction if I said I didn’t want it. Then I heard my dad coming back downstairs, grabbed the chicken off the cats (angry) gave it a quick wipe just in time for him to open the door. I asked him if he wanted the chicken - he readily accepted it not knowing what had just happened to it. What’s really sad about this is that I was in my early thirties and still lived at home, and scared of incurring mums wrath!
Ok, I feel the need to add on to this thread. I nearly commit suicide last week because I've been stressed out about my grades, my not having enough money, my fake friends, COVID, basketball, work, and the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me. He made me feel so special and then when I dumped him he said "That's fine, I don't really care. I was just dating you for clout and because I felt bad that no one else would date you anyway." The only reason I didn't is because my mom pulled into the driveway as I was about to slit my throat.
TheDemonUnderYourBed I’m so glad your mom came home in time. The guy is a complete louse! Keep the friends you trust. See an advisor about your grades. See if your employer has some wiggle room for your hours: more of them or less. Some people are just shite and should be punted to the curb. Breathe deeply often, proven stress reliever. Life can feel overwhelming for sooo many. You are not alone. Focus on one thing at a time and it might not all be easy, but you will grow and become more adept at caring for yourself. Best wishes. You can do this!
Load More Replies... Some of these are very sand, and unsafe situations for the people. Ish I could help
Much love and hugs to all of you! Depression is hard, and it doesn't go away if you "take a walk" or "do fun stuff", or whatever. It's a physical issue! Also, friends are the family you choose💗✌
@GoHawks, no, depression does not 'go away' if you take a walk, but it gets much more manageable if you go for walks or go running often. Preferably daily, preferably nature walks, and during daylight hours. Light is very important for our mental well being. It is, as you say, a physical issue and we humans need both exercise and daylight to keep our biochemistry functioning as it is supposed to.
Load More Replies... never really kept secrets from my parents. sometimes i would omit things for a while but would eventually tell them. my mom would say she often dreaded asking me a question because she knew i wouldn't lie to her. she passed 4 yrs ago. recently, i commented to my dad how i must have been a disappointment to her bc i wasn't the feminine lady she wanted; he agreed. but, then he said i was who she wanted me to be: a strong independent woman. it's just that mom wasn't ready for the reality of that. after some thought, i think he is spot on with that analysis.
I have a mental illness. I'm a trans lesbian. I vote Democrat. I'm quite happy single and might never be in a relationship again. I don't know if I love them. Basically, they don't know me. I don't really have to "keep it from them" - they're not interested.
I feel sorry for all the kids who carry the burden of keeping one parent's misdeeds from the other parent. I feel even sorrier for the kids who have to question if they will still be loved and accepted for who they are. To you kids, let me say that wherever you are, I love and accept you EXACTLY as you are and hope you will find that love and acceptance in your life soon.
My husband and I are planning to move to another province, 2 hours away from my parents, and we haven’t told them yet. We will, but I know it’ll break their hearts and my dad will need to go on antidepressants again, so we’re waiting until we bought a house and finalized things.
I have never told my parent's that my husband of 36 years is also a BDSM master and my dom. Man does my uptight mother ever need a good spanking from my poor pussywhipped father.
Well, that's probably good. You don't want to parade the stupid in front of the world.
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