Brother Gets Prioritized Over Sister For The Entirety Of Her Life, She Snaps After He Destroys Her Prized Possessions As An Adult
You’ve probably heard that it’s difficult being the older or the middle child, as their parents suddenly seem much more interested in the other children. This is difficult to take if the child has become used to getting all of their parents’ attention and affection. It may be even more difficult for children with siblings who are disabled, as they suddenly need much more of their parents’ care, making the other child feel left behind.
An issue stemming from this is shared by u/ScreamingAH, asking whether she is the jerk for finally snapping at her parents and her brother, as he would always be prioritized over her.
More info: Reddit
Feeling neglected by parents is very difficult, especially it feels like they always prioritize your siblings over you
Image credits: Jeffrey Reed (not actual image)
A woman wanted to ask for advice about her finally snapping at her adult autistic brother who was always in her parents’ spotlight while she was mistreated
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
Exhausted of always being in second place, OP moved out and things were fine until her parents “surprised” her for Christmas, coming unannounced to stay for a month
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
After her brother broke something precious to her every day of the month they were there, she finally boiled over and screamed at him to get away from her
Image credits: u/ScreamingAH
The poster mentions feeling guilty for screaming at her brother as he doesn’t know better but she still means the things she said to him
The Original Poster (OP), a 27-year-old woman, begins her story by saying that she has an autistic brother who has special needs and is 3 years her senior. She mentions that her parents have always adored him and taught her to put his needs above everything else.
When OP was growing up, she was always in the background. Everything was focused on her brother, from her getting high marks “for her brother” to her winning medals which would then be given to the brother to keep.
The presents she got would also be for her brother, she had no possessions that she could truly call hers, and she couldn’t touch his stuff as it would upset him.
All of this combined made her resent her brother over the years. OP said that she understands that it isn’t her brother’s fault, but she “couldn’t help hating him.” She didn’t want to take her feelings out on her parents, who were doing their best, or her brother, who couldn’t help it, so she moved out as soon as she could. This was a huge relief for her, as she would visit her parents twice a year, a couple of days at a time.
Although the issue seemed patched up by OP, seeing her parents and brother sparingly, the hurt was renewed when her family decided to show up at her place for Christmas. Unannounced. For a month.
Image credit: Garry Knight (not the actual image)
Understandably, all of OP’s childhood frustrations came back, perhaps exacerbated by her brother’s behavior which had also gotten worse. With each day, he would go rummaging around her stuff and break things, at least one thing per day, with some being sentimental, others expensive.
The event that filled OP’s cup to overflowing was his breaking the lock on her room and ruining many of her prized possessions. She finally snapped, screaming at him to get away from her, further saying “that I don’t ever want to see him ever again.” OP says she is unsure, but she may have said that she wished her brother never existed.
The screaming set the brother off, making him throw a tantrum and hurt her parents, who got stressed out.
Following this incident, OP’s mom has been calling every day, crying on the phone for hours, and apologizing, but still saying that she shouldn’t have been so cruel. Her father also called, saying that he is disappointed by OP being so callous.
OP finishes the story by saying that she feels very guilty for her words, but at the same time, she meant them. She understands that her brother can’t help himself and that he hadn’t wanted to cause her harm, but she is done with the excuses.
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual image)
It may be especially difficult for siblings of special needs children to cope with the situation, who may begin resenting their siblings and parents for feeling left behind. A study has found that these siblings have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and difficulties with their peers. Low-income families are even more vulnerable in these cases as they have less access to resources.
But there are various strategies for parents and siblings of these children that can do wonders. Child Mind Institute has some advice for these parents and siblings.
They say that parents should create a support system for their disabled children, with after-school programs and help from extended family members. They also mention that children should be spoken to openly and included in decision-making. Also, parents should set aside special time for each child, so they may bond with you and have something to cherish and look forward to.
As for siblings, the Child Mind Institute also has several things to do to ensure their well-being. An important factor is to reach out to others because the more you hold in your feelings, the worse it gets. They can also have time dedicated to their sibling to grow closer and understand the other person better. Finally, it’s important to dedicate time for yourself as well – so that you don’t get burned out by life and have time to wind down.
The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds also emphasizes the importance of parents not making their children feel too responsible. The siblings of children with disabilities may set unrealistic expectations for themselves, and it’s the parents’ job to reassure them that they are loved and appreciated no matter what.
These strategies perhaps would have helped OP’s parents to be more considerate of both of their children. As it stands, it seems that their daughter was not only neglected but also mistreated, minimizing all of her achievements and woes to those of her brother, allowing resentment between her and the family to fester for an exceptionally long time.
The post received nearly 9 thousand likes and 1.4 thousand comments, a significant amount of which supported OP, telling her that her parents have wronged her. People were shocked at the fact that her parents just showed up to her door like that and for so long. Some commenters speculated that the parents may be trying to “train” OP to take care of her brother when they are no longer able to.
Comments generally thought the daughter wasn’t a jerk, saying that it was not good of her to snap, but that was expected after her parents treated her the way they did
Image credits: Vera Arsic (not actual image)
"My Dad called a couple of times to tell me he was disappointed..." Yup, you and me both, Dad. I'm so disappointed in you and Mum for continually failing to recognise that I have needs, and my needs matter. You have two children, not just one. You have failed as a parent so many times. My years of disappointment outweigh your moments. When you are ready to apologise I will be ready to listen.
^^^^^^^best reply I've seen so far. Mature, measured, sensible, sets reasonable boundaries, and leaves no room for gaslighting or emotional blackmail. In other words, I'm not playing your little game, mom and dad.
10000 likes added. Sister is not a parent, She doesn't have obligation to swallow any sh*t with no complaints, spoiling handicapped child is not good for him at all...parents are failure at any point and blaming their dother ... for being alive person instead of robo- servant. Such a shame on them
They're no doubt the kind who see him as unable to do any thing simply cause he's disabled. The kind who would of put him in a asylum instead of finding ways to help him adapt to his world.
Seriously. It sounds like they failed the brother as well. I worked in a special needs class and it sounds like they never bothered to help the brother mature to the best of his ability. They just decided he was helpless and babied and coddled him into the worst possible version of himself. Most special needs kids can understand boundaries that are consistently enforced. And then of course they failed OP *big* time. Having a speçial needs sibling doesn't mean she has no feelings or needs, or that hers are less important. Sound like just sh*tty parents all around because who shows up unannounced and stays for a month?
If she won a trophy, it was given to her brother?? No wonder he's so cavalier with her things, he was taught the whole world was his toybox ESPECIALLY her stuff. This has nothing to do with his needs and everything to do with s****y parenting.
Yes! The monster who trashed her room today was created by the parents when he was a child.
Exactly! Special needs doesn't mean give you carte blanc over the world. You can still be taught manners and respect. The disrespect toward this person is flabbergasting.
They failed both their children
So, so badly failed them.
He broke the door to her room, went through her stuff, and broke one item every day. That's some calculated $π!t right there, special needs or no. That took effort and self possession. I'm assuming he also carefully chose specific moments when he knew their parents weren't watching. Unless they just let him run amok in her house and do whatever he wanted, but I can't believe even these losers would do that. For a month!!? And they've conditioned her so that SHE feels bad about it, like *she's* failed everyone. This is so messed up from top to bottom.
Yeah!😠
What kind of psychos show up unannounced and STAY FOR A MONTH!? That is unacceptable period and shows they have no respect for her. I woulв cut them all out just based on that
I absolutely agree. I also agree with the commenters who brought up the fact that parents are gauging/eyeing OP to be brother's caregiver once they die or get too old to take care of him. None of it is brother's fault, but OP definitely is NOT obliged to care for their brother in the future.
I'm under the impression that the said future would be really soon. He broke something every day at his sister's place, pretty sure he does the same at home and the parents are tired of the his behavior (behavior they seem to enable)
Plus, brother is physically a grown man and not a small child that would be easily to physically restrain if he became violent or recalcitrant :/ And if the brother and OP are 30 and 27 years old, respectively, their parents are probably in their late 50s/early 60s. My family took care of my dad at home after he had an accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury, and my mom was already in her 50s when that happened. My dad lived for 21 years bedridden and in diapers, and THAT was rough enough on my mom physically, and my dad was basically an inert lump in bed :( I can't imagine how rough it must be for the parents. That's no excuse, though...
It's HORRIBLE to have a child that you know will never care for themselves. I cant imagine doing it for the man I love for the test of his life. Give your mom hugs!
I'm pretty sure there's nothing left in the parents' house that's breakable. I'm also amazed that the OP lasted as long as she did before SHE broke! A whole MONTH of that behavior before she lost her s**t?! I would have thrown them all out in less than a week!!
I personally wouldn't have let them in. "Sorry, but I didn't budget for guests. If you had give me some heads up, then maybe". As it stands now, I have an old camper on my property that I've been planning to gut once the year is over. I'd let family stay there under condition they pay for their electric and food. Water is a private well, and trash is handled by my truck.
They are enablers. If they're annoyed now, they should have done something years ago.
Absolutely were gauging her ability to care for him. Sadly this goes to the siblings, as there are often no alternative but institutionalizing the disabled sibling. As a parent to a disabled child, this is exactly what her brother's life choices would have been if my daughter had not passed away from covid in 2021. It SUCKS for the sibling! But when parents die... those decisions would go to them. Care for sibling or place in a home.
Put him in a home. Its plain and simple. Once his parents kick the bucket, put him in a care home that can properly care for him and provide the environment he needs.
Why wait? Just foist him on her now. They are probably tired and want a break. It's not like OP deserves a life. Maybe the parents had her for just this reason. She is younger.
What do you want to bet it was planned for longer than a month. Only reason they left is OP finally got tired of the fish stinking.
Legit.
I'm surprised she endured a month before cracking! Not only was that incredibly rude and inappropriate, it probably was a challenge for her brother as well. He was out of his usual environment and routine, which generally does not bode well for the special needs described in the article. The parents are clueless. They assumed Daughter sold beer okay with a surprise visit, and a lengthy visit, despite her few, short visits home in recent years. And of course, they were clueless from the beginning, thinking it was okay to make their younger child forfeit her childhood for brothers challenges; and believing there would be no resentments or other repercussions..
I also had a special needs EMH sister. And this sounds familiar. If she didn't get her way she could be extremely violent and it was always directed to me. Instead of protecting me and telling her to stop they would say what did you do to your sister? They insisted on sending her to a regular school and made me do her homework so that it appeared that she was capable of being there. They refused to accept the fact that there was definitely something wrong with her from the onset. Finally one of the nuns who was sympathetic to me told my parents they needed to come in and she told them you have to get her tested and you cannot use her sister any longer. Your daughter is being abused by your other daughter and you're helping. So yes it is very hurtful because you feel so alone. No one's protecting you and they're acting as if this is something that you caused. That pain never goes away
"My Dad called a couple of times to tell me he was disappointed..." Yup, you and me both, Dad. I'm so disappointed in you and Mum for continually failing to recognise that I have needs, and my needs matter. You have two children, not just one. You have failed as a parent so many times. My years of disappointment outweigh your moments. When you are ready to apologise I will be ready to listen.
^^^^^^^best reply I've seen so far. Mature, measured, sensible, sets reasonable boundaries, and leaves no room for gaslighting or emotional blackmail. In other words, I'm not playing your little game, mom and dad.
10000 likes added. Sister is not a parent, She doesn't have obligation to swallow any sh*t with no complaints, spoiling handicapped child is not good for him at all...parents are failure at any point and blaming their dother ... for being alive person instead of robo- servant. Such a shame on them
They're no doubt the kind who see him as unable to do any thing simply cause he's disabled. The kind who would of put him in a asylum instead of finding ways to help him adapt to his world.
Seriously. It sounds like they failed the brother as well. I worked in a special needs class and it sounds like they never bothered to help the brother mature to the best of his ability. They just decided he was helpless and babied and coddled him into the worst possible version of himself. Most special needs kids can understand boundaries that are consistently enforced. And then of course they failed OP *big* time. Having a speçial needs sibling doesn't mean she has no feelings or needs, or that hers are less important. Sound like just sh*tty parents all around because who shows up unannounced and stays for a month?
If she won a trophy, it was given to her brother?? No wonder he's so cavalier with her things, he was taught the whole world was his toybox ESPECIALLY her stuff. This has nothing to do with his needs and everything to do with s****y parenting.
Yes! The monster who trashed her room today was created by the parents when he was a child.
Exactly! Special needs doesn't mean give you carte blanc over the world. You can still be taught manners and respect. The disrespect toward this person is flabbergasting.
They failed both their children
So, so badly failed them.
He broke the door to her room, went through her stuff, and broke one item every day. That's some calculated $π!t right there, special needs or no. That took effort and self possession. I'm assuming he also carefully chose specific moments when he knew their parents weren't watching. Unless they just let him run amok in her house and do whatever he wanted, but I can't believe even these losers would do that. For a month!!? And they've conditioned her so that SHE feels bad about it, like *she's* failed everyone. This is so messed up from top to bottom.
Yeah!😠
What kind of psychos show up unannounced and STAY FOR A MONTH!? That is unacceptable period and shows they have no respect for her. I woulв cut them all out just based on that
I absolutely agree. I also agree with the commenters who brought up the fact that parents are gauging/eyeing OP to be brother's caregiver once they die or get too old to take care of him. None of it is brother's fault, but OP definitely is NOT obliged to care for their brother in the future.
I'm under the impression that the said future would be really soon. He broke something every day at his sister's place, pretty sure he does the same at home and the parents are tired of the his behavior (behavior they seem to enable)
Plus, brother is physically a grown man and not a small child that would be easily to physically restrain if he became violent or recalcitrant :/ And if the brother and OP are 30 and 27 years old, respectively, their parents are probably in their late 50s/early 60s. My family took care of my dad at home after he had an accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury, and my mom was already in her 50s when that happened. My dad lived for 21 years bedridden and in diapers, and THAT was rough enough on my mom physically, and my dad was basically an inert lump in bed :( I can't imagine how rough it must be for the parents. That's no excuse, though...
It's HORRIBLE to have a child that you know will never care for themselves. I cant imagine doing it for the man I love for the test of his life. Give your mom hugs!
I'm pretty sure there's nothing left in the parents' house that's breakable. I'm also amazed that the OP lasted as long as she did before SHE broke! A whole MONTH of that behavior before she lost her s**t?! I would have thrown them all out in less than a week!!
I personally wouldn't have let them in. "Sorry, but I didn't budget for guests. If you had give me some heads up, then maybe". As it stands now, I have an old camper on my property that I've been planning to gut once the year is over. I'd let family stay there under condition they pay for their electric and food. Water is a private well, and trash is handled by my truck.
They are enablers. If they're annoyed now, they should have done something years ago.
Absolutely were gauging her ability to care for him. Sadly this goes to the siblings, as there are often no alternative but institutionalizing the disabled sibling. As a parent to a disabled child, this is exactly what her brother's life choices would have been if my daughter had not passed away from covid in 2021. It SUCKS for the sibling! But when parents die... those decisions would go to them. Care for sibling or place in a home.
Put him in a home. Its plain and simple. Once his parents kick the bucket, put him in a care home that can properly care for him and provide the environment he needs.
Why wait? Just foist him on her now. They are probably tired and want a break. It's not like OP deserves a life. Maybe the parents had her for just this reason. She is younger.
What do you want to bet it was planned for longer than a month. Only reason they left is OP finally got tired of the fish stinking.
Legit.
I'm surprised she endured a month before cracking! Not only was that incredibly rude and inappropriate, it probably was a challenge for her brother as well. He was out of his usual environment and routine, which generally does not bode well for the special needs described in the article. The parents are clueless. They assumed Daughter sold beer okay with a surprise visit, and a lengthy visit, despite her few, short visits home in recent years. And of course, they were clueless from the beginning, thinking it was okay to make their younger child forfeit her childhood for brothers challenges; and believing there would be no resentments or other repercussions..
I also had a special needs EMH sister. And this sounds familiar. If she didn't get her way she could be extremely violent and it was always directed to me. Instead of protecting me and telling her to stop they would say what did you do to your sister? They insisted on sending her to a regular school and made me do her homework so that it appeared that she was capable of being there. They refused to accept the fact that there was definitely something wrong with her from the onset. Finally one of the nuns who was sympathetic to me told my parents they needed to come in and she told them you have to get her tested and you cannot use her sister any longer. Your daughter is being abused by your other daughter and you're helping. So yes it is very hurtful because you feel so alone. No one's protecting you and they're acting as if this is something that you caused. That pain never goes away