Yeah, naw, surely the quotes that you’ll find below aren’t sarcastic at all. Not the slightest bit. They’re just as light and cheery as daffodil fluff floating in the azure summer sky, no dual meanings, no sly remarks, and no storm clouds here. Nuh-uh, no way. They aren’t even that funny really, who cares for sarcastic quotes, anyway? Only sweet old ladies, probably. However, if you’d still like to give these no-good, dark quotes a try, we’ve gathered an insignificant amount of 196 entries for your judgment.
In all seriousness, though, sarcastic quotes are the best - they are slightly stingy and inherently clever, they can be used in almost any occasion, and if your opponent is worthy, they’ll even grant a belly-full of laughs. Some of these quotes originated in famous people’s heads, the likes of Oscar Wilde and Aldous Huxley; others are of mysteriously undocumented origins. With those, you can always claim them as your own! That is if you think the receiver will understand them fully; otherwise, all that you will get is a tumbleweed slowly rolling between you two, and the resulting awkward silence will fall on your conscience.
So, cynics, rejoice! This article is dedicated to you, to the dark jokes that we all love so dearly, and to the most useful quotes to memorize! Reach all this book-worthy material in just a couple of scrolls directed downwards, and don’t forget to vote for the clever, sarcastic quotes. Also, share this wisdom with your friends by dropping them a link to this article which basically contains the smartest quotes ever.
This post may include affiliate links.
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." – Robin Williams
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
"If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
"I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."
"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." – Michael Levine
"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."
"An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true." – Robert Oppenheimer
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."
"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" – Billy Connolly
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." – Fred Allen
Why would anyone want to be famous? I'll take rich for sure. But to have no privacy and everyone looking at you and in your business? No wonder many very famous people eventually go nuts, or just lose touch with reality.
"An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright
"Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’." – Robin Williams
"Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."
"My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him." – Sir Winston Churchill
"Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." – Albert Einstein
"Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us." – Stephen Colbert
"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more." – Walter Matthau
i heard i another one that say the doctor gave me one month to live so i shot him in the face the jury gave me 12 problem solved
"Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."
"So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"
"I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."
"When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." – Albert Einstein
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." – Abba Eban
"I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"
"Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."
"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."
"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." – Rodney Dangerfield
My favorite Rodney quote: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay - you're ugly, too.
"People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world."
Note: this post originally had 184 images. It’s been shortened to the top 40 images based on user votes.
Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though
Fresh delivery from Facebook walls all over the world.
Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though
Fresh delivery from Facebook walls all over the world.