Yeah, naw, surely the quotes that you’ll find below aren’t sarcastic at all. Not the slightest bit. They’re just as light and cheery as daffodil fluff floating in the azure summer sky, no dual meanings, no sly remarks, and no storm clouds here. Nuh-uh, no way. They aren’t even that funny really, who cares for sarcastic quotes, anyway? Only sweet old ladies, probably. However, if you’d still like to give these no-good, dark quotes a try, we’ve gathered an insignificant amount of 196 entries for your judgment. 

In all seriousness, though, sarcastic quotes are the best - they are slightly stingy and inherently clever, they can be used in almost any occasion, and if your opponent is worthy, they’ll even grant a belly-full of laughs. Some of these quotes originated in famous people’s heads, the likes of Oscar Wilde and Aldous Huxley; others are of mysteriously undocumented origins. With those, you can always claim them as your own! That is if you think the receiver will understand them fully; otherwise, all that you will get is a tumbleweed slowly rolling between you two, and the resulting awkward silence will fall on your conscience.

So, cynics, rejoice! This article is dedicated to you, to the dark jokes that we all love so dearly, and to the most useful quotes to memorize! Reach all this book-worthy material in just a couple of scrolls directed downwards, and don’t forget to vote for the clever, sarcastic quotes. Also, share this wisdom with your friends by dropping them a link to this article which basically contains the smartest quotes ever. 

#1

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." – Robin Williams

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Eilen
Community Member
5 months ago

Great guy with great quotes

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#2

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde

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Itstheoneandonlydave
Community Member
5 months ago

L E G E N D A R Y

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#3

"If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."

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R Carson
Community Member
5 months ago

HA!

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#4

"I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."

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HarriMissesScotland
Community Member
5 months ago

Perfect for BP.

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#5

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." – Michael Levine

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IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet
Community Member
5 months ago

Some parents are idiots. Can concur.

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#6

"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

I'm using this one 😂

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#7

"An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true." – Robert Oppenheimer

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Libstak
Community Member
5 months ago

I kinda like this world. But then again I compare it to life for humans before technology and plumbing especially so I think we have got it pretty damn good.

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#8

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."

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13
Community Member
5 months ago

Why is this so far down? 😂😂

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#9

"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."

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Mike Beck
Community Member
5 months ago

I have a T-shirt: I'm allergic to stupidity; I break out in sarcasm.

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#10

"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."

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Caro Caro
Community Member
5 months ago

I'm going to use this one ... A neat little parcel of insult, sarcasm and truth :D

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#11

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."

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Tee Witt
Community Member
5 months ago

I laughed and spilt my coffee all down my top, very funny though

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#12

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" – Billy Connolly

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Tee Witt
Community Member
5 months ago

Ahh Billy Connolly a very special person

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#13

"You know what I like about people? Their dogs."

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Vicky Z
Community Member
5 months ago

Reminds me of the kid that asked: dad can i pet that dog? You have to ask his owner! But i don't want to talk to people! I only like dogs

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#14

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." – Fred Allen

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Kookamunga
Community Member
5 months ago

Why would anyone want to be famous? I'll take rich for sure. But to have no privacy and everyone looking at you and in your business? No wonder many very famous people eventually go nuts, or just lose touch with reality.

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#15

"An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."

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Daria B
Community Member
5 months ago

Why would you throw away a precious apple? ♡ *me eats*

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#16

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright

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Buren
Community Member
5 months ago

Similar to my favourite Mark Twain: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. I believe Lincoln said something similar.

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#17

"Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."

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Kookamunga
Community Member
5 months ago

This is turning from "quotes" to "t shirts and bumper stickers".

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#18

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’." – Robin Williams

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Peppa Pig
Community Member
5 months ago

Tics also means uncontrollable things like you he clicking

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#19

"Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

Customer service reps be like

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#20

"My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

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Buren
Community Member
5 months ago

Happens all the time.

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#21

"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."

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Henry Russell
Community Member
5 months ago

splat

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#22

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him." – Sir Winston Churchill

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Itstheoneandonlydave
Community Member
5 months ago

Again LEGENDARY

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#23

"Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."

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Henry Russell
Community Member
5 months ago

just give the insane person a knife watch the ketchup fly

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#24

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." – Albert Einstein

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

Prob true and very freaky

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#25

"Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us." – Stephen Colbert

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

And they actually say what their thinking

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#26

"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."

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Annie Bieber
Community Member
5 months ago

Amen....✌

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#27

"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more." – Walter Matthau

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Henry Russell
Community Member
5 months ago

i heard i another one that say the doctor gave me one month to live so i shot him in the face the jury gave me 12 problem solved

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#28

"Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."

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T5n
Community Member
5 months ago

Food/Retail service employee?

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#29

"I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

As I said at almost any concert since 2000. (Showing my age here)

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#30

"So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"

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Buren
Community Member
5 months ago

No. Because it's not heavy or damaging enough.

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#31

"When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

But that's too much work

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#32

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." – Albert Einstein

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R Carson
Community Member
5 months ago

True

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#33

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde

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Tee Witt
Community Member
5 months ago

I must remember this

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#34

"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." – Abba Eban

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Karin
Community Member
5 months ago

Unfortunately, we're not there yet.

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#35

"I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"

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Andrea Lange
Community Member
5 months ago

😂 I'll use that!

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#36

"Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."

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william mcgloin
Community Member
5 months ago

Technically that's being sardonic.

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#37

"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."

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Vicky Z
Community Member
5 months ago

Happens also when single with a cat and the cat is sitting on the remote

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#38

"Find your patience before I lose mine."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

I have one nerve left and your getting on it

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#39

"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." – Rodney Dangerfield

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Kookamunga
Community Member
5 months ago

My favorite Rodney quote: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay - you're ugly, too.

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#40

"People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
5 months ago

Anything for a good cause

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