Childless Couple Get Accused Of ‘Ruining’ A Family Vacation By Not Going, Find Out They Were Expected To Babysit
There is only so much vacation time you get in a year. It’s reasonable to want to spend it in the way that best suits your needs, whether it’s a week in the mountains or on the couch. However, in certain situations, especially when there’s family involved, you might have to adjust and meet in the middle. For instance, while trying to decide upon a destination.
A family vacation can be an enjoyable endeavor. But what if you don’t feel like it? As fun as spending time with your loved ones might be, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the activities they have in mind are as well.
A woman on Reddit shared her views on a similar situation with the r/AITA community. The user u/dionneandcher told fellow redditors about the trip her in-laws were planning, which was not her kind of thing whatsoever. Together with her husband, they usually spend their free time in the calm setting of the great outdoors, while the relatives wanted a Disney trip. No wonder it didn’t sound appealing. Things went even further downhill when the couple was accused of not liking the kids in the family and not caring for other members overall.
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
A redditor opened up about the not-so-appealing family vacation plan and the members’ reaction to her refusing to participate
Image credits: Craig Adderley (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Teona Swift (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/dionneandcher
It’s not an easy task to plan the days off you worked so hard for. It becomes even more troublesome when there are a lot of people involved. In the case of u/dionneandcher, her views of a perfect vacation were way different from the ones of her in-laws. That is why she chose not to spend her money and free time on something she does not find appealing.
Paid time off (PTO) is one of the cornerstones of a healthy work-life balance. The well-deserved break is something people look forward to and plan in advance to get the most out of it. A survey carried out by AARP shows that vacation time results in not only a fun time but other benefits as well. These include better sleep, more energy, an increase in productivity, and better mental and overall health.
The number of paid days off varies depending on the company and the number of years a person has worked there. According to Zippia, a person in the US gets an average of 10 days of PTO per annum after working for the company for a year. The number of days rises to 15 after spending five years with the company, and after two decades, you are eligible to enjoy 20 days per year of paid leave. Some companies might cover bank holidays as well; however, that is not mandatory. Therefore, it’s completely understandable to use this time to do something dear to your heart.
In her Reddit post, the OP clearly states that spending time in a crowded theme park is not their cup of tea, to put it mildly. She and her husband are usually more drawn to the peace and quiet of nature rather than popular attractions bustling with people. Statista reveals that in 2021, the Walt Disney World Magic Kingdom in Florida was visited by nearly 12.7 million people.
As fun as it sounds to kids, adults might not find the kingdom to be so magical. Especially those without children. Despite not having offspring of their own, the OP and her husband were expected to join the trip, which implied looking after their nieces and nephews. After a polite refusal, the couple was denounced for not caring for them, which was not the case.
It is common for relatives to become involved in the childcare of their family members. Often referred to as family, friend, and neighbor child care, such cooperation can give parents a much-needed break. Research states that this is the most prevailing form of non-parental child care. As much as 33-59% of kids up to school age with employed parents are raised with the help of FFN caregivers.
However, it is only a legitimate option if the family member, friend, or neighbor signed up for it. In the case of the redditor and her husband, it was implied that the brother-in-law expected them to spend some time looking after his kids. The couple did not meet the expectations, which became the cause of an argument, and made the OP wonder—”am I the jerk here?”
Redditors engaged in a conversation with questions and suggestions for the OP
People in the thread had a lot to discuss and shared their views on similar situations
Some redditors suggested that everyone played an equal part in the unpleasant situation
The OP provided an update for the redditors to gain a better understanding of the situation
This may lead me to panda jail lol, but, your kids, your problem, you made them, you deal with them, i take every precaution not to have kids, i don't do well with kids.
⛓⛓🐼⛓⛓ 😄 Hey I spent a full ten minutes on this panda prison!!!
If this is what lands you in Panda prison, I call dibs on the top bunk. You are so right when you say "your kids, your problem ". I have two kids and feel the same way about other people's children, as well as my own. My children are my responsibility and mine alone, and there is no excuse for trying to force them on others, for any reason. If the grandparents are the ones responsible for organizing this Bataan death march, let them be the ones to cover the cost that will be added to the individuals who are going. And as for the adults getting free time, I'm sure there are enough adults to cover for each other for a few hours. Being child free doesn't automatically mean you have to be a nanny at family functions.
Just family functions? Before the big C, play spaces. Parents wouldn't even sit nearby. My husband would end up as parent on duty until the kids would try to crawl on him then we would leave.
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I wasted another 5 minutes creating a bunk bed, but the formatting got all wonky ... btw I agree with you
I have a kid, but that's still my motto with other people's kids. I made this one, I'm raising her, everyone else do their own. Even parents get attempts from others to stick us with their kids and that's a huge no for me. If I'd wanted more kids, I would have had more kids.
Same, dude. Same.
Hey, I'll join you too.
This comment has been deleted.
Plenty of worse things than social media banning. I'm presently banned for 24 hrs from posting on YouTube because I spoke the truth, which they consider breaching their precious little policy. Eff them.
It's telling that OP states how they regularly go to their family to see them, but family doesn't do it the other way round. And that's what happened with this vacation too, family was used to getting their way and OP accomodating them and reacted really badly when told no. I have the same situation. My family blames me for 'distancing' myself. But in reality all I did is just living my life and stop constantly hunting after them when I realized that they barely send me a text on my birthday but made absolutely no effort to keep more contact than that. I was never truly included because I dared to have different interests and they didn't bother to even try to connect to me , while I constantly tried to be part of what they do. Now that my parents are dead, I highly doubt I'll ever see my siblings again. But it's not my fault. And I won't grovel back
I think a lot of families fall into a pattern of well we all live close together so you furtherbout people just come to us because that's easier. And it is not ok.
If it's not affordable it's fine to not go, but still communicate. Calls, zoom calls, heck even letters can be a nice way to show you still think of the other person
I relate so much, Sonja. I moved a few states away for work a decade ago and no one in my family has ever come to visit. I pretty much only get phone calls and texts on birthdays and holidays. It's just annoying at this point. I don't feel loved or wanted by them at all.
My folks are dead. I have no siblings or family other than one aunt and a cousin who live 3000 miles away. I'm used to keep in n touch with my cousin, and my aunt would always send me a Christmas card, but the cuz stopped responding in WhatsApp and I dont give a s**t about cards. Family is way overrated.
I feel that one.
I cannot understand how someone can say that they are the A too. Other people made plan for them, and when they try to refuse, they literally tried to guilt them to go (both MIL and BIL), yet idiots in the coments are like “you didn’t answer correctly to someone trying to force you to do something “
I think it was just the way they said it, if they didn't say it was work to see family everyone would have said NTA I think
Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer. Or if only yes will do.
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While I wouldn't go as far as calling them an A-hole, maintaining any kind of bond whether family or friend sometimes involves sacrifice and doing stuff you don't want to. Your life is your life, but keeping relationships going takes effort because not everyone is going to want to do the exact same thing every time. That said, there needs to be compromise. One in the future could be getting together with family for 2 days and then breaking off into their own holiday; or renting a place with lots of different spaces family members can retreat to (like a country house with a separate cabin). I didn't really want to go and hang out with my grandma when she had dementia, but I went because I wanted to support other family members. My mum didn't really want to hang out at the ice skating rink when I was a kid, but she did for a whole season so I could skate. Supporting family sometimes involves unpleasant bits.
Are you seriously comparing going to see a sick relative and help to going on a holiday you didn’t ask for, that you have to spend a lot of money and waste you pto?
Family Vacation 👪, they where not obligated to go,they have there own life to live....the most important things in life is your own happiness
Appreciate the sharing of your situation but they are very different in comparison. Yes you sacrifice and make effort for your family. The ones that have love and respect for you. And like a garden, pull the weeds or diseased plants to keep your garden alive.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I can try to help you understand. Her response to her MIL and the attitude she presented were an issue, as well as her unwillingness to compromise. The words we say matter, and our attitude matters even more. Kindness is important. I try to live by "THINK", which stands for True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind, and is a guide I use when talking to other people. The phrase, "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" is also helpful to remember. As far as compromise, I don't mean she should give in to their insane demands. Compromise is about finding a middle ground that gives everyone a little of what they want. I've heard said, "a good deal is when everyone is a little upset, because that means everyone gave up a little of what they wanted." OP seems completely unwilling to give up her perfect idea of vacation. I'm sure a compromise can be reached if both sides are willing to give up a little of what they want.
'unwillingness to compromise", oh do p**s off. Planned w/o their input, insistence after refusal got them their response. If I tell you no, that's it. No is a complete sentence, keep it up and you're not going to like the response.
What part of no do they not understand? The N or the O? Both can be explained in detail if needed.
Some people just have so much entitled behavior, they can't seem to comprehend someone having boundaries and preferences. So when they come up, sudden it's "o ur unwilling and unreasonable!!". What rot. You can't raise this kind of self absorption. Unwilling to compromise.. right. What you mean is, unwilling to give me what I want without an argument.
Don't need to compromise in the situation they were in. Could they have phrased what they said better? Absolutely. However they didn't insult the adults or curse, etc. And it was at least half better put than some other rejections! Also, they're not God (and/or Miracle Workers), they're human.
I used to have a drink or two just having to have dinner with my family.
I wouldn't want a week-long vacation anywhere with my wider family and I wouldn't compromise on that either. I love my family very much but doing anything with that many people, all with different routines, different opinions and just the sheer logistics of such a vacation is just a recipe for stress. Any middle ground in this situation is going to be a little of what people want, and a lot of what they don't. It's also her money and her PTO, so she has no reason at all to give up her perfect vacation.
Compromise is only necessary when both parties have a vested shared interest. Like if you want to buy an apple for $1 but the farmer wants to sell it for $3. Buying the apple for $2 would be a compromise. Farmer made his sale. You got your apple. OP and her husband have no stake in this vacation. Them participating would be a favor or act of goodwill for their family. Seeing as they seem to constantly extend one-way goodwill to their family, it's understandable why they would say no now. Also, OP turned MIL down politely several times. But MIL refused to accept. I honestly find no fault in how she and her husband handled things. Also, I'm going to upvote you so your post isn't removed. I don't agree with you, but you haven't violated any rules.
All that said, there are much bigger issues going on with the rest of that family. The way OP presents it, it sounds like a few people in the family planned the whole vacation without input from everyone. That's a huge problem. The BIL calling to yell, blame and guilt was a **HUGE** problem. I'd understand reducing contact with that AH, but that still should be done in a kind way. To me that means no yelling, name calling, blaming, or shaming. Instead set a simple and clear boundary as briefly as possible (e.g. "I've made my decision, if this is brought up again I will hang up the phone."). On a 0-5 AH scale, BIL is a 5, and OP is a 2.
Again not.kindness is needed. No yelling or name calling is needed. You end the conversation explaining that there is a problem they need to address and you look forward to resuming a relationship with them once they can be adults. And yes, I am that harsh. But I will not allow guilt or manipulation into my home with my wife and children. And I have no time for people I do not trust or that there is not a mutual respect. Keeps.life simple and keeps quality people around you.
Where was the kindness during the planning of this debacle? Does the family know this couple and what they like? Better yet do they care?
This has nothing to do with kindness. Kindness in this instance is an excuse to avoid being honest and any confrontation. Kindness is shown to people who respect you. Kindness shown to those who do not respect you is just accepting their bad treatment of you. There was no interest in compromise from the family. It sounds like a compromise was offered and denied. The family did not like it. End of story. I'm one of those people who would decline this type of invite. I dislike being around large groups of people. Disney is the most miserable place on earth in my opinion. I have children and would take a vacation with no expectation for others to come. They would be invited but I would never plan with the expectation of others attending. If they're interested in a family vacation and any compromise they would have gotten input during planning. Especially if you are paying for part of it. This is manipulation and lack of respect. It does not sound like family worth having around.
This may lead me to panda jail lol, but, your kids, your problem, you made them, you deal with them, i take every precaution not to have kids, i don't do well with kids.
⛓⛓🐼⛓⛓ 😄 Hey I spent a full ten minutes on this panda prison!!!
If this is what lands you in Panda prison, I call dibs on the top bunk. You are so right when you say "your kids, your problem ". I have two kids and feel the same way about other people's children, as well as my own. My children are my responsibility and mine alone, and there is no excuse for trying to force them on others, for any reason. If the grandparents are the ones responsible for organizing this Bataan death march, let them be the ones to cover the cost that will be added to the individuals who are going. And as for the adults getting free time, I'm sure there are enough adults to cover for each other for a few hours. Being child free doesn't automatically mean you have to be a nanny at family functions.
Just family functions? Before the big C, play spaces. Parents wouldn't even sit nearby. My husband would end up as parent on duty until the kids would try to crawl on him then we would leave.
This comment has been deleted.
I wasted another 5 minutes creating a bunk bed, but the formatting got all wonky ... btw I agree with you
I have a kid, but that's still my motto with other people's kids. I made this one, I'm raising her, everyone else do their own. Even parents get attempts from others to stick us with their kids and that's a huge no for me. If I'd wanted more kids, I would have had more kids.
Same, dude. Same.
Hey, I'll join you too.
This comment has been deleted.
Plenty of worse things than social media banning. I'm presently banned for 24 hrs from posting on YouTube because I spoke the truth, which they consider breaching their precious little policy. Eff them.
It's telling that OP states how they regularly go to their family to see them, but family doesn't do it the other way round. And that's what happened with this vacation too, family was used to getting their way and OP accomodating them and reacted really badly when told no. I have the same situation. My family blames me for 'distancing' myself. But in reality all I did is just living my life and stop constantly hunting after them when I realized that they barely send me a text on my birthday but made absolutely no effort to keep more contact than that. I was never truly included because I dared to have different interests and they didn't bother to even try to connect to me , while I constantly tried to be part of what they do. Now that my parents are dead, I highly doubt I'll ever see my siblings again. But it's not my fault. And I won't grovel back
I think a lot of families fall into a pattern of well we all live close together so you furtherbout people just come to us because that's easier. And it is not ok.
If it's not affordable it's fine to not go, but still communicate. Calls, zoom calls, heck even letters can be a nice way to show you still think of the other person
I relate so much, Sonja. I moved a few states away for work a decade ago and no one in my family has ever come to visit. I pretty much only get phone calls and texts on birthdays and holidays. It's just annoying at this point. I don't feel loved or wanted by them at all.
My folks are dead. I have no siblings or family other than one aunt and a cousin who live 3000 miles away. I'm used to keep in n touch with my cousin, and my aunt would always send me a Christmas card, but the cuz stopped responding in WhatsApp and I dont give a s**t about cards. Family is way overrated.
I feel that one.
I cannot understand how someone can say that they are the A too. Other people made plan for them, and when they try to refuse, they literally tried to guilt them to go (both MIL and BIL), yet idiots in the coments are like “you didn’t answer correctly to someone trying to force you to do something “
I think it was just the way they said it, if they didn't say it was work to see family everyone would have said NTA I think
Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer. Or if only yes will do.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
While I wouldn't go as far as calling them an A-hole, maintaining any kind of bond whether family or friend sometimes involves sacrifice and doing stuff you don't want to. Your life is your life, but keeping relationships going takes effort because not everyone is going to want to do the exact same thing every time. That said, there needs to be compromise. One in the future could be getting together with family for 2 days and then breaking off into their own holiday; or renting a place with lots of different spaces family members can retreat to (like a country house with a separate cabin). I didn't really want to go and hang out with my grandma when she had dementia, but I went because I wanted to support other family members. My mum didn't really want to hang out at the ice skating rink when I was a kid, but she did for a whole season so I could skate. Supporting family sometimes involves unpleasant bits.
Are you seriously comparing going to see a sick relative and help to going on a holiday you didn’t ask for, that you have to spend a lot of money and waste you pto?
Family Vacation 👪, they where not obligated to go,they have there own life to live....the most important things in life is your own happiness
Appreciate the sharing of your situation but they are very different in comparison. Yes you sacrifice and make effort for your family. The ones that have love and respect for you. And like a garden, pull the weeds or diseased plants to keep your garden alive.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I can try to help you understand. Her response to her MIL and the attitude she presented were an issue, as well as her unwillingness to compromise. The words we say matter, and our attitude matters even more. Kindness is important. I try to live by "THINK", which stands for True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind, and is a guide I use when talking to other people. The phrase, "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" is also helpful to remember. As far as compromise, I don't mean she should give in to their insane demands. Compromise is about finding a middle ground that gives everyone a little of what they want. I've heard said, "a good deal is when everyone is a little upset, because that means everyone gave up a little of what they wanted." OP seems completely unwilling to give up her perfect idea of vacation. I'm sure a compromise can be reached if both sides are willing to give up a little of what they want.
'unwillingness to compromise", oh do p**s off. Planned w/o their input, insistence after refusal got them their response. If I tell you no, that's it. No is a complete sentence, keep it up and you're not going to like the response.
What part of no do they not understand? The N or the O? Both can be explained in detail if needed.
Some people just have so much entitled behavior, they can't seem to comprehend someone having boundaries and preferences. So when they come up, sudden it's "o ur unwilling and unreasonable!!". What rot. You can't raise this kind of self absorption. Unwilling to compromise.. right. What you mean is, unwilling to give me what I want without an argument.
Don't need to compromise in the situation they were in. Could they have phrased what they said better? Absolutely. However they didn't insult the adults or curse, etc. And it was at least half better put than some other rejections! Also, they're not God (and/or Miracle Workers), they're human.
I used to have a drink or two just having to have dinner with my family.
I wouldn't want a week-long vacation anywhere with my wider family and I wouldn't compromise on that either. I love my family very much but doing anything with that many people, all with different routines, different opinions and just the sheer logistics of such a vacation is just a recipe for stress. Any middle ground in this situation is going to be a little of what people want, and a lot of what they don't. It's also her money and her PTO, so she has no reason at all to give up her perfect vacation.
Compromise is only necessary when both parties have a vested shared interest. Like if you want to buy an apple for $1 but the farmer wants to sell it for $3. Buying the apple for $2 would be a compromise. Farmer made his sale. You got your apple. OP and her husband have no stake in this vacation. Them participating would be a favor or act of goodwill for their family. Seeing as they seem to constantly extend one-way goodwill to their family, it's understandable why they would say no now. Also, OP turned MIL down politely several times. But MIL refused to accept. I honestly find no fault in how she and her husband handled things. Also, I'm going to upvote you so your post isn't removed. I don't agree with you, but you haven't violated any rules.
All that said, there are much bigger issues going on with the rest of that family. The way OP presents it, it sounds like a few people in the family planned the whole vacation without input from everyone. That's a huge problem. The BIL calling to yell, blame and guilt was a **HUGE** problem. I'd understand reducing contact with that AH, but that still should be done in a kind way. To me that means no yelling, name calling, blaming, or shaming. Instead set a simple and clear boundary as briefly as possible (e.g. "I've made my decision, if this is brought up again I will hang up the phone."). On a 0-5 AH scale, BIL is a 5, and OP is a 2.
Again not.kindness is needed. No yelling or name calling is needed. You end the conversation explaining that there is a problem they need to address and you look forward to resuming a relationship with them once they can be adults. And yes, I am that harsh. But I will not allow guilt or manipulation into my home with my wife and children. And I have no time for people I do not trust or that there is not a mutual respect. Keeps.life simple and keeps quality people around you.
Where was the kindness during the planning of this debacle? Does the family know this couple and what they like? Better yet do they care?
This has nothing to do with kindness. Kindness in this instance is an excuse to avoid being honest and any confrontation. Kindness is shown to people who respect you. Kindness shown to those who do not respect you is just accepting their bad treatment of you. There was no interest in compromise from the family. It sounds like a compromise was offered and denied. The family did not like it. End of story. I'm one of those people who would decline this type of invite. I dislike being around large groups of people. Disney is the most miserable place on earth in my opinion. I have children and would take a vacation with no expectation for others to come. They would be invited but I would never plan with the expectation of others attending. If they're interested in a family vacation and any compromise they would have gotten input during planning. Especially if you are paying for part of it. This is manipulation and lack of respect. It does not sound like family worth having around.