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Bride Wants To Cut MIL Out Of Their Lives After She Selfishly Ruins Wedding Day
Your wedding is one of the most important days in your life. And it’s fairly normal for the happy couple to expect at least a bit of support from their family. With an event so significant, there are lots of moving parts. What you probably don’t expect is one of your parents to start sabotaging, well, everything.
One bride opened up online about how her narcissistic, entitled, and downright unpleasant mother-in-law ruined her entire wedding day. Things got so bad, she considered never forgiving her, but asked the AITA community for its perspective about the entire drama. Scroll down for the full story and the internet’s advice.
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The wedding day is supposed to be a special event, celebrating the happy couple
Image credits: Jeongim Kwon (not the actual photo)
But one narcissistic MIL decided to make the whole thing about herself
Image credits: lil artsy (not the actual photo)
Image credits: tracy truhan (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Budget_Scholar5211
The bride’s MIL demonstrates clear signs of narcissism
Image credits: Maël Renault (not the actual photo)
Narcissists have been plaguing human interaction since time immemorial, and the author’s story is just one of millions. Some folks sincerely believe that they, and by extension, their feelings are simply more important than anything else in the universe. In its most extreme cases, this can manifest itself as destructive narcissism, where the person tears apart social bonds and relationships.
From the perspective of the narcissist, they are not doing anything wrong. Rather, an incident, say, the bride’s wedding, causes them to feel bad. Since they are the center of the universe, this feeling of “bad” has to now be felt by everyone. As one comment noted, a narcissist loves other people’s events. This is because upsetting an event is a great way to rectify a cosmic injustice, i.e. people paying attention to someone else.
At no point during her “rampage” did the bride’s MIL stop or apologize, this action had to wait until later. Had she apologized during the wedding, it would have taken attention away from her, which would have been the worst outcome.
An overvalued sense of self isn’t always bad for you
Image credits: Alvaro O’Donnell (not the actual photo)
Psychologists believe that a small amount of narcissism isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It helps maintain self-esteem, which is overall very important. Seeing yourself as important, smart, and overall good is perhaps better than the crushing self-hatred many people deal with. But like most parts of life, there can be too much of a good thing.
Unfortunately, parents are pretty common candidates when it comes to narcissism. The sort of emotional abuse committed by OP’s MIL is a common, yet horrible norm for many people around the world. OP’s spouse’s crying is likely as much a result of the MIL’s actions at the wedding, as her normal behavior towards him.
This is particularly horrible, as the lasting effects of having narcissistic parents are severe. Poor self-esteem, a higher risk of depression, and an overall unhappy childhood are just some of the risks. Even worse, in most cases, the child of a narcissist doesn’t even realize their parent is mentally ill. Instead, they often blame themselves for the parent throwing a fit or worse.
Narcissists often damage their children in the long run
Image credits: Francisco Moreno (not the actual photo)
Because a narcissist tends to be sparing with any praise (or real attention,) their offspring often develop unhealthy relationships later in life. They often have an increased need for affirmation and attention in all their relationships, to a degree that is emotionally unhealthy. We do not know how the bride’s spouse copes or doesn’t cope with this upbringing, so we can only wish him the best.
Fortunately, given time and distance, a child of a narcissist can recover and properly see the toxicity of the relationship. However, the author’s MIL does seem to still be very much present. She was even involved in the organizing of the wedding, where she repeatedly failed to do her part. Hopefully, this event and the bride’s very fair reaction can be a sort of wake-up call, that, at best, stronger boundaries are needed.
The author shared some more details with interested readers
Most thought they were not at all expected to forgive the MIL
But some thought it was too little, too late
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago (edited)
She sounds exhausting, but don't cut her out because of the wedding, cut it out because the wedding behaviour isn't out of character. If you stoke anger and resentment over the wedding day that's only going to make it harder to have any good memories about it. But not once was it mentioned MIL is usually kind and fun to be around, so I'm guessing this is how she is all the time and they hoped she'd put on a better face for the wedding. So cut her out do your life because she's a miserable person. And try not to mythologise the wedding behaviour
ThisIsMe 1 month ago
My sister (but different mom's) is quite a bit younger than me. Her mother is a train wreck, and expressed a lot of jealousy at how sis was turning to ME for wedding planning when the time came. She was a wretch about all of it, and made sis cry leading up to rehearsal. Day of wedding, sis and new hubby are driven from church by my husband. Minister calls them saying "oops, we forgot to sign certificates". My husband sneaks them back to church where lots of people are still around. I get to be witness on the certificate, because sis didn't want to see her mom again, and I had been all of her support, most of her funding, and did a lot of the stuff her mom failed or refused to do. When narcissist show their true colors, whether before or during a wedding, believe them!
Tabitha 1 month ago (edited)
You know, I have met so many women who self-identify SOLELY as “just a mom”. Not a professional (whatever her career is, if she has one), or an accomplished (whatever she does really well), or anything else but “just a mom”. I suspect these women will have a hard time letting go of their kids when the last one has grown up and left home. I mean, what are they when their entire identity has left the nest? I guess nothing until the grandkids come along, because then they’ll self-identify as “just a grandma”. Don’t rely on your kids giving you a purpose in life, or a job, or an identity. You are so much more than “just a mom”. Don’t lose yourself along the way to raising all your kids to adulthood. I bet your husband doesn’t self-identify as “just a dad”. He’s a professional at his job, an accomplished (whatever he’s got talent for), and a slew of other things as well. Why TF should you limit yourself just because you have kids? The answer is that you shouldn’t, because your kids won’t be around to “complete” you forever. That’s putting all your eggs in one basket, and that never turns out well.
K Barnes 1 month ago
Imagine holding onto the fact that your MIL didn't compliment your makeup when she saw you and still being salty about that months later. MIL sulked and the commenter who said you ignore sulkers, not give in to their drama, was dead on. None of what MIL did was enough to ruin the wedding day, it was all mildly annoying and immature and they chose to let her sulking be a bigger part of the day than it needed to.
Otto Katz 1 month ago
My MIL did the same thing! She sulked, yelled up to the musicians in the church before the ceremony as they were singing 'Do you know the Ava Maria IN LATIN??", during the cocktail hour she sulked, said to my now husband "I'm going to my room!" (which was in the club where the reception was being held) expecting him to go with her to comfort her. He ignored her, only going to get her when dinner was being served. When her fish came, my cousin who was sitting next to her smothered it in lemon before she ate, enough to make her face pucker. Thank you, Mark! She then spent the whole reception telling us our bed was being delivered the next morning at 8am. W*F??? What is she rambling on about?? She just wanted to cause trouble, there was no bed being delivered. She was just trying to make us uncomfortable. She also tried spread rumors and told him that I was only trapping him into marriage by claiming to be pregnant. Um, I was 44, partial hysterectomy. Lady, go back to Chicago.
Antoinette the Red 1 month ago
Wedding was RUINED because one camera ran out of battery, MIL wanted to make a seating change and was sulking? Here, OP, have a tissue.
Robert Beveridge 1 month ago
Lotta "blood is all-important" people in the comments there... good acid test for whether you should be throwing THEM out of your lives as well. Blood, covenant, water, womb, etc.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago (edited)
She sounds exhausting, but don't cut her out because of the wedding, cut it out because the wedding behaviour isn't out of character. If you stoke anger and resentment over the wedding day that's only going to make it harder to have any good memories about it. But not once was it mentioned MIL is usually kind and fun to be around, so I'm guessing this is how she is all the time and they hoped she'd put on a better face for the wedding. So cut her out do your life because she's a miserable person. And try not to mythologise the wedding behaviour
ThisIsMe 1 month ago
My sister (but different mom's) is quite a bit younger than me. Her mother is a train wreck, and expressed a lot of jealousy at how sis was turning to ME for wedding planning when the time came. She was a wretch about all of it, and made sis cry leading up to rehearsal. Day of wedding, sis and new hubby are driven from church by my husband. Minister calls them saying "oops, we forgot to sign certificates". My husband sneaks them back to church where lots of people are still around. I get to be witness on the certificate, because sis didn't want to see her mom again, and I had been all of her support, most of her funding, and did a lot of the stuff her mom failed or refused to do. When narcissist show their true colors, whether before or during a wedding, believe them!
Tabitha 1 month ago (edited)
You know, I have met so many women who self-identify SOLELY as “just a mom”. Not a professional (whatever her career is, if she has one), or an accomplished (whatever she does really well), or anything else but “just a mom”. I suspect these women will have a hard time letting go of their kids when the last one has grown up and left home. I mean, what are they when their entire identity has left the nest? I guess nothing until the grandkids come along, because then they’ll self-identify as “just a grandma”. Don’t rely on your kids giving you a purpose in life, or a job, or an identity. You are so much more than “just a mom”. Don’t lose yourself along the way to raising all your kids to adulthood. I bet your husband doesn’t self-identify as “just a dad”. He’s a professional at his job, an accomplished (whatever he’s got talent for), and a slew of other things as well. Why TF should you limit yourself just because you have kids? The answer is that you shouldn’t, because your kids won’t be around to “complete” you forever. That’s putting all your eggs in one basket, and that never turns out well.
K Barnes 1 month ago
Imagine holding onto the fact that your MIL didn't compliment your makeup when she saw you and still being salty about that months later. MIL sulked and the commenter who said you ignore sulkers, not give in to their drama, was dead on. None of what MIL did was enough to ruin the wedding day, it was all mildly annoying and immature and they chose to let her sulking be a bigger part of the day than it needed to.
Otto Katz 1 month ago
My MIL did the same thing! She sulked, yelled up to the musicians in the church before the ceremony as they were singing 'Do you know the Ava Maria IN LATIN??", during the cocktail hour she sulked, said to my now husband "I'm going to my room!" (which was in the club where the reception was being held) expecting him to go with her to comfort her. He ignored her, only going to get her when dinner was being served. When her fish came, my cousin who was sitting next to her smothered it in lemon before she ate, enough to make her face pucker. Thank you, Mark! She then spent the whole reception telling us our bed was being delivered the next morning at 8am. W*F??? What is she rambling on about?? She just wanted to cause trouble, there was no bed being delivered. She was just trying to make us uncomfortable. She also tried spread rumors and told him that I was only trapping him into marriage by claiming to be pregnant. Um, I was 44, partial hysterectomy. Lady, go back to Chicago.
Antoinette the Red 1 month ago
Wedding was RUINED because one camera ran out of battery, MIL wanted to make a seating change and was sulking? Here, OP, have a tissue.
Robert Beveridge 1 month ago
Lotta "blood is all-important" people in the comments there... good acid test for whether you should be throwing THEM out of your lives as well. Blood, covenant, water, womb, etc.
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