Someone On Tumblr Explains Why People Divorce, And 1,480,000 People Agree
What is love? This is a burning question that people have pondered over for centuries, inspiring some of the greatest works of art in human history (and 90’s Eurodance singer Haddaway). Yet still, we don’t really know. Sure, science has answered many questions in terms of chemical and hormonal reactions, attraction and the need for companionship, but that doesn’t much help us in terms of how to negotiate our own emotions and relationships.
25-year-old poet Taylor Myers, from Dayton, Ohio, decided to share her thoughts on the matter while plumbing the emotional depths of bitterness from a difficult experience. Her post, raw, fearful and full of regret, touched many people who had experienced the shocking contrasts between the intense, burning adoration of young love, and the cold ashes of realism that remain once the fire has faded.
Later on, perhaps in a less turbulent emotional state and seeking to add some balance to her unexpectedly viral prose, Taylor went back to add a more heartwarming lesson she learned in her ‘Relationships for Life’ class. Once again her words went viral, but this time for different reasons. “The reaction blew me away,” Taylor told Bored Panda. “I still get messages weekly from people telling me how it affected them, how it saved their relationship, or how it gave them the strength to walk away from someone that was holding them back. It blows my mind to know that something I created has touched so many people across the world, has urged them to come to me for advice or clarification or just a listening ear.”
Many people have asked or commented on the ‘Relationships for Life’ class that Taylor referred to, often with a dose of skepticism. Taylor found it to be invaluable however, and if you think about it, why shouldn’t we all learn more about something that will become one of the very foundations of our lives? “That class without a doubt molded the way I view and handle all my relationships, romantic or otherwise,” Taylor told us. “And I think they’re all healthier and more transparent because of that class. It should be taught everywhere.”
Scroll down below to check out Taylor’s eloquent writing for yourself, and let us know what you think in the comments!
This is 25-year-old poet Taylor Myers
She shared her deep and unusual fear about love
And people agreed with her
She later came back to her post but with a different perspective
Here’s how people reacted to her heartfelt post
372Kviews
Share on FacebookI recommend for people to stay single until someone actually COMPLIMENTS your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. Otherwise, it's not worth it.
I disagree. Love is an emotion, a feeling, one usually confused with other transient emotions. The choice comes in the commitment to the relationship. You can love without commitment or have commitment without love. The former won't last, the latter will. Love with commitment is the whole package.
I 100% agree with you. Love is an emotion, a relationship takes commitment. People get swept up by pretty weddings but don't think about marriage. Get their priorities wrong.
Load More Replies...Reminds me of a Thomas S. Monson quote: "Choose your love; love your choice." How often do we forget that love is like a rose; it must be continually nurtured in order to prosper? (At least where I live. Plant and leave it? Forget about it. It'll be dead within the week."
I chose love, despite his increasingly cruel behaviour because I thought if I did, he would return to behaving as he did in the beginning of our relationship. I chose love as he insulted and criticized me. I saw his cruelty, and I just held on. I'm thankful he left, but now I wish I hadn't chosen love.
You fell in love with a person who didn't exist. He chose to hide who he was & entrap you. People like that enjoy the control & will pick someone who won't give up on the relationship. Even when people fall out of love their basic personality doesn't change - they don't suddenly become cruel. Disinterested maybe, but they don't start hitting. You fell for a mirage & it was a deliberate act on his part. Anyone in a relationship where the person gradually becomes more controlling & cruel, leave & do it sooner rather than later. Before the person has a chance to damage you. Leave & be clear that you won't ever go back. I'm sorry it happened to you but don't mistake someone being 'strong' & 'protective' for love. Real strength & protection is allowing you freedom, helping you to do your own thing but always able to come to you if you need them at a moments notice. They know you'll come back after a night with friends & won't need to be with you at all times.
Load More Replies...Bottom line: take the time to REALLY know the person and don't brush off warning signs or negative gut feelings.
Another tip about getting married - if you have even the slightest hint of a doubt about getting married, if you have even ONE second thought...then don't do it. Wait if you must, break it off if you need to, but DO NOT marry someone that you have any doubt about. /// Put it this way. If you do decide to wait - if you really love each other a year will make no difference at all. If someone is pressuring you not to wait, or if they give you an ultimatum, then run as fast as you can and count yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet.
Load More Replies...Get to know yourself and develop your inner strength so you can set healthy fair boundaries on what you will not tolerate, for example "I will not tolerate you personally insulting me just because you are angry." Healthy boundaries, talked out in a loving way, strengthen a relationship.
Trouble is with that, though it is spot on, is that someone at 18 or so will insist they do know themselves and do have inner strength. Some will, some won't.
Load More Replies...Yes. I know. Haha. That is not poetry at all!! More like a diary page. Hehe
Load More Replies...I love that she mentions choosing someone she believes will make that choice to commit as well. Like some of her comments said, if you're willing but they aren't it still may not work. I've heard people talk about the importance of being willing to work at it and choose love, but not usually how that's such an important quality to keep in mind and look for in a future spouse as well!
True. Both partners have to be willing to choose to commit to each other (and to at least a similar degree), otherwise it won't work. They also both have to make that choice over and over again for the relationship to last which means they have to be enduring. You have to keep that in mind when looking for someone to have a long term relationship with
Load More Replies...Here's a tip too: live together before marriage. If you're gonna choose a person to give yourself to and spend the rest of your life with, you should choose well. There's no better way to find out whether you two fit togethet than to actually try and live that lifestyle. Then, if things go well, you can marry (if you want) and/or have kids. But if you see you don't want that kind of life that happens with this person, you can talk it out, and split if that's what's best for both of you.
Thank you! I keep saying this and people say it's "unromantic". LIFE isn't "romantic". Life is fun, difficult, stressful, scary, and all-encompassing. You don't want a "prince" or someone to "sweep you off your feet". You want the guy (or girl) who will be there when you're at your worst. We DON'T wear makeup all the time, and we get sick, or cranky, or hurt and we NEED our partners to be there, even if they don't need to do anything in particular. /// My husband and I have been together for 33 years. He is my heart. I would kill to save him, and I would die to do the same. He would do the same for me. That has never changed. /// But we lived together for five years before we got married, otherwise we never would have known that about each other.
Load More Replies...Any relationship is the same in that department. It's how you can stay friends with people who no longer love the exact same things you do or share the same activities, it's how you can stay close to siblings after you each go your separate ways and no longer have things in common, it's how you continue to care for your parents even long after you have any actual need for them in your life, just because you want them in it. It's easy to have a relationship with someone who is close by, or that have similar tastes. Once you drift apart, continuing to have a relationship is always a choice.
Great wisdom there, Rafaella Bueno. My husband and I share many tastes, but differ in a few areas. It's cool. He's allowed to play softball (and badly) and I'm allowed to get up early on weekends to go hiking with a group. I appreciate his setting the alarm on weekends and I'm fine with him spending an evening with his team (the aptly named Bench Warmers), which includes going for drinks after a game.
Load More Replies...Actual love is still admiring a person once the butterflies have long died. to feel your heart go into that soothing rhythm on seeing them once the initial heartbeat skips are over. its a choice. definitely. everybody is going to hurt you. you just need to find the ones worth suffering for...
The only thing question is her thought that arranged marriages are more successful. I'm wondering how she's defining successful. Correct me if I'm wrong, but with most arranged marriages, isn't divorce not allowed. If that's the case being long last might seem successful, how much happiness is involved? That said, I do agree with everything else. My wife and I just celebrated our sixth anniversary about a month ago. We still have fun together. I still wake up very contented knowing I'm with someone who cares for me as much as I care for her. We don't fight a lot, and at least on my part I do consciously work at not letting anything petty stay around in my head, and at the same time communicate when something does really bother me. Even with all that being said, I'm not sure the goal should be to make marriages last. I think the more important thing is that you can both work at being happy together. My mom's second marriage is getting close to two decades, but she's miserable.
She didn't say that arranged marriages were more successful than un-arranged marriages. She just said that she began to understand why they were (could be) successful.
Load More Replies...I married my best friend when I was 23, our 30th wedding anniversary was 2 days ago. It is ALL about commitment! Marriage isnt constantly the happy great moments caught in photographs. Whats important is working together to make it from each happy photograph to the next! It is a lot of work, compromise AND love!
There is no "reason" but there are factors. This post highlight a few among many. No silver bullet, one size foots all.
I'm always reminded and adore the scene from Fiddler On The Roof where Tevye asks his wife of 25 years, Golde, if she loves him. Not "do you STILL love me", but "do you love me" because they're marriage was arranged yet they built a family and life together. The ensuing song always brings tears to my eyes and is a great example of love being a choice in the things we do every day. Gets me every time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0
But it's a movie.... not an example. Fiction
Load More Replies...I've been saying this for years now. Love is not a feeling. Love is a behavior. Also, I recommend this article: "Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity" https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Off topic but why does she call that a poem? It's an interesting post, but it's not a poem as far as I can see. Confusing.
When hard or troubled times come and oh let me tell you they come sometimes in waves they come, seemingly no "good" times or those "OMGosh I LOVE YOU" times just won't come.. Hang in there, if you want a deeper relationship that will truly become something you never imagined having, don't give up so easily. My hubby is my heart so precious to me, even when I don't like him, I love him. And honestly it is the little things that make the huge things that matter the most..
Yeah. I had an awesome relationship. The only snag was that we were at a distance, but we were working on that. I really thought it was a 'forever' situation, that we'd endure in any adversity. Then the week after our 4 yr anniversary, he went to a friend's wedding and saw a girl he crushed on, and his reaction was to just throw in the towel. I told him that crushes happen sometimes, especially after 4 yrs, that it was normal-- that we could recapture our sentiment for each other and become stronger from it if we figured out why it was happening. I told him love was a choice, and he at first agreed.. then... just walked away to pursue her. It hurts, because I thought we had the kind of deep relationship you and your hubby have. Sorry for venting, it's a raw thing for me, I just wish he'd read things like your comment and article... instead the advice he was given was to chase the 'chemistry' at all costs... I wonder what he's going to do in 4 years when he's in the same boat again. :(
Load More Replies...as a child of a broken home, i grew up to be independent & strong-willed. my mother instilled in her girls that we should not rely on anyone but ourselves. this has been good and bad. as a result, i chose to go the route of open communication & try to discuss my feelings with my partners. this only works when the partner is willing to do the same. sadly, i have chosen to walk away. in my heart, i believe that marriage should be a life-long commitment; reality is that it is not worth my (un)happiness to live in a one-sided relationship when the other person discounts my feelings and chooses to do nothing to remedy the situation.
My mother's advice, "No matter who you marry, make sure you NEVER have to stay married to stay fed."
Load More Replies..."I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard Morty then it slowly fades leaving you stranded in a failing marriage." - Rick Sanchez
I truly believe you can talk yourself into, or out of, anything. You can take a perfectly good relationship and talk yourself out of that relationship. You can also be in a broken relationship you can talk yourself back into it. This isn't always good...but it is possible. I watched a friend's relationship go from perfect to utter s%#t in a few months. The only thing that changed was he talked himself out of the relationship and into single. Saw him a year after the breakup and he told me nothing happened except his internal conversations telling himself he could do better. He then told me that was his biggest regret. He should've told himself to shut up and stayed in the best relationship he'd ever had. Love starts as an emotion but ends being a choice.
Oh man, it sounds like you are talking about my ex. I agree with you; your internal voice makes your world. I had a 'perfect' relationship-- ok I mean, it wasn't perfect, we were kinda poor, and we had distance, but we were really happy, same values, interests, etc. We were the couple everyone said they wished they could be because we were so happy. The money issues and such, well we were resolving these issues, moving forward, carving out a life together, one step at a time. Then he saw someone he was attracted to, and it messed him up. He hit a bad depression after he moved, started blaming me for his stagnancy, he started talking himself out of our relationship... I think in his case, part of it is he also got bad advice by his coworkers about chasing that chemistry he felt instead of sticking it out with me. Now he is ruining what we had, and I am 100% sure he will be just like your friend in a years time, and he just can't see it. Sorry for venting, its just raw for me.
Load More Replies...Thank you so much for taking the time to contact me! Love the article!
I think it's a little bit feeling, too. You can choose to stay in love, but you can't choose to fall out of it - you can only choose to walk away despite the feeling. Only time can make the feeling fade. Conversely, choosing to stay in love is more about choosing to stay even when the feeling is gone or faded, and working hard at the relationship until the feeling comes back. If you ignore the feeling part of it completely, then you get a relationship of convenience - which is not necessarily bad, but *is* something a bit different than most of us want.
Love is hard labour. It's caring enough for someone to not care if they f*ck up. It's not forgiving, because there's never anything to forgive. It's feeling warm in the coldest of times.
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I chose to walk away from my 13-year marriage because my husband decided it was more important to sleep with his ex-wife (the one before me) rather than talk to me about our issues. His loss. My gain. Thanks for such an insightful article!
Important point, but on a separate note, how was her original post a "poem". It was just writing.
You choose every day, sometimes every hour of a day, to stay or go. Only you can make the choice for you. Only your partner can make that choice for themselves. (Married for 11, he chose to divorce me. Currently married for 33, working on 34 and we choose each other every day.)
This is so very, very true. When I married I wasn't sure I loved my husband as much as I should (I wasn't a youngster, I was 24), but I definitely liked him and I felt I could live with his faults. It lasted almost 40 years. Through ups and downs, four kids, good and bad. We always talked about everything and that's what I miss the most now. He died this year and the memories are the best part of my life now. Well, and my kids, of course.
The poet is talking about RELATIONSHIP - that is a choice - we get into relationships sometimes based on growing love, respect and trust, but also for having our needs met. Needs we cannot satisfy by ourselves. Companionship versus being lonely. A relationship is an exchange. A contract - I give you this, you give me that, it can be safety, security, stability, a home, kids... LOVE is a feeling. You can tell yourself you're happy in your relationship, you can make the choice to not leave, but if LOVE is actually gone, you cannot do anything, only lie to yourself. The hypocrisy and fear of change, not love is keeping most couples together - they don't get each other anymore, they grew apart, they're not on the same frequency anymore but they stubbornly remain in the commitment, even if they want out of it. Fear of new, fear of not being ashamed by others, fear of not being able to sustain themselves financially or otherwise, fear of not ending up alone and bitter. FEAR, plain fear.
Married 14 years. A long term loving relationship is a conscious choice to be there for each other. You have to choose to find out why a person behaves a certain way and choose to see that many times there are positives to the negatives. My husband is extremely outgoing. I tend to be a shy loner. I would never have met many interesting people without him. I am quiet but he is talkative. I learned to communicate from him. He taught me to not hold things in. His traits that are opposite or irritating often compliment my traits and help me push my boundaries in ways that are good and helpful if I choose to see it. No one is perfect so if possible try too see the lessons in the bad so they can bring understanding. You have to choose to try to understand each other and choose to work on yourself when appropriate. Every bit of a long term relationship is a choice and hard work but nothing beats knowing at least one person in the world has got your back because they chose to be there.
There are no guarantees in life, you try to do your best, and sometimes the other person stops wanting to and c**p happens. You learn and you hope you meet someone who learned also. I wish they would teach this in school, along with how things you do affect everything.
What she called "love" in my country we call it something like "inflammation" wich is a strong but passing feeling but not love. And this is totally confused and misleading.
Truly truly truly truly!!! I married for LOVE the feeling, but I've learned quickly that our CHOICE to commit to each other and practice the act of LOViNG (even when we truly want to run the other way) has brought us to new depths of FEELING love, friendship and deep appreciation for one another. Some days, when I feel disconnected, I literally have a mantra while I'm driving around "I choose, I choose, I choose" - because it helps me remember that I can also choose things like to be mad, or to dwell, or to be positive.... ALL things in love require some choice... it's very beautiful and poetic to me :) and in every area of my life
I find Taylor's second piece very depressing. How can she not go for the people who give her butterflies but rather those that show commitment? That's crazy! One will never have the whole package that way. It needs to start with butterflies and shy feelings and huge excitement. Later the flutters go but the love remains. At some point there are things that make you crazy about one another and this is where you start choosing. Not choosing to love, because you already love the person, but choosing to work through the issues. I think she has it all backwards
It doesn't NEED to start with butterflies though-- my love was a slow burn, I didn't even like him at first, and his was 'butterflies' and in the end, I think I loved him more than he ever loved me. The flutters went away for him at the four year mark, but when they faded away and he felt them for someone else, he chased after the butterflies instead of choosing me. This is the whole point she's making, not that you just make the logical choice period, but that you know, 'chemistry' and 'butterflies' isn't the end all and be all-- it lies. It's a biological reaction. Sure you need to have it in the beginning, but you shouldn't make it your sole decision in a partner.
Load More Replies...Youre 25 and a poet little girl... have a fully lived, then I will hear what you have to say
Amazing. I agree with the suggestion of it being a class for young people
Pfff. Vapid shallow c**p by someone who has yet to live a life of experiences and love.
Limerence/infatuation is the feeling most people have incorrectly associated with "love". That's mostly because of how culture and media presents "loving relationships". TV & film especially present love as powerful, passionate, and intense behaviors and feelings. They should be calling this infatuation or limerence. Under functional MRI imaging, there's been an interesting similarity between the brain activity shown by subjects describing feeling "in love" and the brain activity of people with opioid addictions. Limerence is not a perpetual feeling. It lasts between 3 months & 2 years. After limerence wears off, the choice to stay with a companion or leave them presents itself. Culture's obsession with the wrong illustrations of love result in many people abandoning perfectly good relationships because they think "the love is gone". You'll see the phrase "the magic is gone" a lot, too, which should tell you something, because magic is fiction.
I recommend for people to stay single until someone actually COMPLIMENTS your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. Otherwise, it's not worth it.
I disagree. Love is an emotion, a feeling, one usually confused with other transient emotions. The choice comes in the commitment to the relationship. You can love without commitment or have commitment without love. The former won't last, the latter will. Love with commitment is the whole package.
I 100% agree with you. Love is an emotion, a relationship takes commitment. People get swept up by pretty weddings but don't think about marriage. Get their priorities wrong.
Load More Replies...Reminds me of a Thomas S. Monson quote: "Choose your love; love your choice." How often do we forget that love is like a rose; it must be continually nurtured in order to prosper? (At least where I live. Plant and leave it? Forget about it. It'll be dead within the week."
I chose love, despite his increasingly cruel behaviour because I thought if I did, he would return to behaving as he did in the beginning of our relationship. I chose love as he insulted and criticized me. I saw his cruelty, and I just held on. I'm thankful he left, but now I wish I hadn't chosen love.
You fell in love with a person who didn't exist. He chose to hide who he was & entrap you. People like that enjoy the control & will pick someone who won't give up on the relationship. Even when people fall out of love their basic personality doesn't change - they don't suddenly become cruel. Disinterested maybe, but they don't start hitting. You fell for a mirage & it was a deliberate act on his part. Anyone in a relationship where the person gradually becomes more controlling & cruel, leave & do it sooner rather than later. Before the person has a chance to damage you. Leave & be clear that you won't ever go back. I'm sorry it happened to you but don't mistake someone being 'strong' & 'protective' for love. Real strength & protection is allowing you freedom, helping you to do your own thing but always able to come to you if you need them at a moments notice. They know you'll come back after a night with friends & won't need to be with you at all times.
Load More Replies...Bottom line: take the time to REALLY know the person and don't brush off warning signs or negative gut feelings.
Another tip about getting married - if you have even the slightest hint of a doubt about getting married, if you have even ONE second thought...then don't do it. Wait if you must, break it off if you need to, but DO NOT marry someone that you have any doubt about. /// Put it this way. If you do decide to wait - if you really love each other a year will make no difference at all. If someone is pressuring you not to wait, or if they give you an ultimatum, then run as fast as you can and count yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet.
Load More Replies...Get to know yourself and develop your inner strength so you can set healthy fair boundaries on what you will not tolerate, for example "I will not tolerate you personally insulting me just because you are angry." Healthy boundaries, talked out in a loving way, strengthen a relationship.
Trouble is with that, though it is spot on, is that someone at 18 or so will insist they do know themselves and do have inner strength. Some will, some won't.
Load More Replies...Yes. I know. Haha. That is not poetry at all!! More like a diary page. Hehe
Load More Replies...I love that she mentions choosing someone she believes will make that choice to commit as well. Like some of her comments said, if you're willing but they aren't it still may not work. I've heard people talk about the importance of being willing to work at it and choose love, but not usually how that's such an important quality to keep in mind and look for in a future spouse as well!
True. Both partners have to be willing to choose to commit to each other (and to at least a similar degree), otherwise it won't work. They also both have to make that choice over and over again for the relationship to last which means they have to be enduring. You have to keep that in mind when looking for someone to have a long term relationship with
Load More Replies...Here's a tip too: live together before marriage. If you're gonna choose a person to give yourself to and spend the rest of your life with, you should choose well. There's no better way to find out whether you two fit togethet than to actually try and live that lifestyle. Then, if things go well, you can marry (if you want) and/or have kids. But if you see you don't want that kind of life that happens with this person, you can talk it out, and split if that's what's best for both of you.
Thank you! I keep saying this and people say it's "unromantic". LIFE isn't "romantic". Life is fun, difficult, stressful, scary, and all-encompassing. You don't want a "prince" or someone to "sweep you off your feet". You want the guy (or girl) who will be there when you're at your worst. We DON'T wear makeup all the time, and we get sick, or cranky, or hurt and we NEED our partners to be there, even if they don't need to do anything in particular. /// My husband and I have been together for 33 years. He is my heart. I would kill to save him, and I would die to do the same. He would do the same for me. That has never changed. /// But we lived together for five years before we got married, otherwise we never would have known that about each other.
Load More Replies...Any relationship is the same in that department. It's how you can stay friends with people who no longer love the exact same things you do or share the same activities, it's how you can stay close to siblings after you each go your separate ways and no longer have things in common, it's how you continue to care for your parents even long after you have any actual need for them in your life, just because you want them in it. It's easy to have a relationship with someone who is close by, or that have similar tastes. Once you drift apart, continuing to have a relationship is always a choice.
Great wisdom there, Rafaella Bueno. My husband and I share many tastes, but differ in a few areas. It's cool. He's allowed to play softball (and badly) and I'm allowed to get up early on weekends to go hiking with a group. I appreciate his setting the alarm on weekends and I'm fine with him spending an evening with his team (the aptly named Bench Warmers), which includes going for drinks after a game.
Load More Replies...Actual love is still admiring a person once the butterflies have long died. to feel your heart go into that soothing rhythm on seeing them once the initial heartbeat skips are over. its a choice. definitely. everybody is going to hurt you. you just need to find the ones worth suffering for...
The only thing question is her thought that arranged marriages are more successful. I'm wondering how she's defining successful. Correct me if I'm wrong, but with most arranged marriages, isn't divorce not allowed. If that's the case being long last might seem successful, how much happiness is involved? That said, I do agree with everything else. My wife and I just celebrated our sixth anniversary about a month ago. We still have fun together. I still wake up very contented knowing I'm with someone who cares for me as much as I care for her. We don't fight a lot, and at least on my part I do consciously work at not letting anything petty stay around in my head, and at the same time communicate when something does really bother me. Even with all that being said, I'm not sure the goal should be to make marriages last. I think the more important thing is that you can both work at being happy together. My mom's second marriage is getting close to two decades, but she's miserable.
She didn't say that arranged marriages were more successful than un-arranged marriages. She just said that she began to understand why they were (could be) successful.
Load More Replies...I married my best friend when I was 23, our 30th wedding anniversary was 2 days ago. It is ALL about commitment! Marriage isnt constantly the happy great moments caught in photographs. Whats important is working together to make it from each happy photograph to the next! It is a lot of work, compromise AND love!
There is no "reason" but there are factors. This post highlight a few among many. No silver bullet, one size foots all.
I'm always reminded and adore the scene from Fiddler On The Roof where Tevye asks his wife of 25 years, Golde, if she loves him. Not "do you STILL love me", but "do you love me" because they're marriage was arranged yet they built a family and life together. The ensuing song always brings tears to my eyes and is a great example of love being a choice in the things we do every day. Gets me every time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0
But it's a movie.... not an example. Fiction
Load More Replies...I've been saying this for years now. Love is not a feeling. Love is a behavior. Also, I recommend this article: "Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity" https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Off topic but why does she call that a poem? It's an interesting post, but it's not a poem as far as I can see. Confusing.
When hard or troubled times come and oh let me tell you they come sometimes in waves they come, seemingly no "good" times or those "OMGosh I LOVE YOU" times just won't come.. Hang in there, if you want a deeper relationship that will truly become something you never imagined having, don't give up so easily. My hubby is my heart so precious to me, even when I don't like him, I love him. And honestly it is the little things that make the huge things that matter the most..
Yeah. I had an awesome relationship. The only snag was that we were at a distance, but we were working on that. I really thought it was a 'forever' situation, that we'd endure in any adversity. Then the week after our 4 yr anniversary, he went to a friend's wedding and saw a girl he crushed on, and his reaction was to just throw in the towel. I told him that crushes happen sometimes, especially after 4 yrs, that it was normal-- that we could recapture our sentiment for each other and become stronger from it if we figured out why it was happening. I told him love was a choice, and he at first agreed.. then... just walked away to pursue her. It hurts, because I thought we had the kind of deep relationship you and your hubby have. Sorry for venting, it's a raw thing for me, I just wish he'd read things like your comment and article... instead the advice he was given was to chase the 'chemistry' at all costs... I wonder what he's going to do in 4 years when he's in the same boat again. :(
Load More Replies...as a child of a broken home, i grew up to be independent & strong-willed. my mother instilled in her girls that we should not rely on anyone but ourselves. this has been good and bad. as a result, i chose to go the route of open communication & try to discuss my feelings with my partners. this only works when the partner is willing to do the same. sadly, i have chosen to walk away. in my heart, i believe that marriage should be a life-long commitment; reality is that it is not worth my (un)happiness to live in a one-sided relationship when the other person discounts my feelings and chooses to do nothing to remedy the situation.
My mother's advice, "No matter who you marry, make sure you NEVER have to stay married to stay fed."
Load More Replies..."I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard Morty then it slowly fades leaving you stranded in a failing marriage." - Rick Sanchez
I truly believe you can talk yourself into, or out of, anything. You can take a perfectly good relationship and talk yourself out of that relationship. You can also be in a broken relationship you can talk yourself back into it. This isn't always good...but it is possible. I watched a friend's relationship go from perfect to utter s%#t in a few months. The only thing that changed was he talked himself out of the relationship and into single. Saw him a year after the breakup and he told me nothing happened except his internal conversations telling himself he could do better. He then told me that was his biggest regret. He should've told himself to shut up and stayed in the best relationship he'd ever had. Love starts as an emotion but ends being a choice.
Oh man, it sounds like you are talking about my ex. I agree with you; your internal voice makes your world. I had a 'perfect' relationship-- ok I mean, it wasn't perfect, we were kinda poor, and we had distance, but we were really happy, same values, interests, etc. We were the couple everyone said they wished they could be because we were so happy. The money issues and such, well we were resolving these issues, moving forward, carving out a life together, one step at a time. Then he saw someone he was attracted to, and it messed him up. He hit a bad depression after he moved, started blaming me for his stagnancy, he started talking himself out of our relationship... I think in his case, part of it is he also got bad advice by his coworkers about chasing that chemistry he felt instead of sticking it out with me. Now he is ruining what we had, and I am 100% sure he will be just like your friend in a years time, and he just can't see it. Sorry for venting, its just raw for me.
Load More Replies...Thank you so much for taking the time to contact me! Love the article!
I think it's a little bit feeling, too. You can choose to stay in love, but you can't choose to fall out of it - you can only choose to walk away despite the feeling. Only time can make the feeling fade. Conversely, choosing to stay in love is more about choosing to stay even when the feeling is gone or faded, and working hard at the relationship until the feeling comes back. If you ignore the feeling part of it completely, then you get a relationship of convenience - which is not necessarily bad, but *is* something a bit different than most of us want.
Love is hard labour. It's caring enough for someone to not care if they f*ck up. It's not forgiving, because there's never anything to forgive. It's feeling warm in the coldest of times.
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I chose to walk away from my 13-year marriage because my husband decided it was more important to sleep with his ex-wife (the one before me) rather than talk to me about our issues. His loss. My gain. Thanks for such an insightful article!
Important point, but on a separate note, how was her original post a "poem". It was just writing.
You choose every day, sometimes every hour of a day, to stay or go. Only you can make the choice for you. Only your partner can make that choice for themselves. (Married for 11, he chose to divorce me. Currently married for 33, working on 34 and we choose each other every day.)
This is so very, very true. When I married I wasn't sure I loved my husband as much as I should (I wasn't a youngster, I was 24), but I definitely liked him and I felt I could live with his faults. It lasted almost 40 years. Through ups and downs, four kids, good and bad. We always talked about everything and that's what I miss the most now. He died this year and the memories are the best part of my life now. Well, and my kids, of course.
The poet is talking about RELATIONSHIP - that is a choice - we get into relationships sometimes based on growing love, respect and trust, but also for having our needs met. Needs we cannot satisfy by ourselves. Companionship versus being lonely. A relationship is an exchange. A contract - I give you this, you give me that, it can be safety, security, stability, a home, kids... LOVE is a feeling. You can tell yourself you're happy in your relationship, you can make the choice to not leave, but if LOVE is actually gone, you cannot do anything, only lie to yourself. The hypocrisy and fear of change, not love is keeping most couples together - they don't get each other anymore, they grew apart, they're not on the same frequency anymore but they stubbornly remain in the commitment, even if they want out of it. Fear of new, fear of not being ashamed by others, fear of not being able to sustain themselves financially or otherwise, fear of not ending up alone and bitter. FEAR, plain fear.
Married 14 years. A long term loving relationship is a conscious choice to be there for each other. You have to choose to find out why a person behaves a certain way and choose to see that many times there are positives to the negatives. My husband is extremely outgoing. I tend to be a shy loner. I would never have met many interesting people without him. I am quiet but he is talkative. I learned to communicate from him. He taught me to not hold things in. His traits that are opposite or irritating often compliment my traits and help me push my boundaries in ways that are good and helpful if I choose to see it. No one is perfect so if possible try too see the lessons in the bad so they can bring understanding. You have to choose to try to understand each other and choose to work on yourself when appropriate. Every bit of a long term relationship is a choice and hard work but nothing beats knowing at least one person in the world has got your back because they chose to be there.
There are no guarantees in life, you try to do your best, and sometimes the other person stops wanting to and c**p happens. You learn and you hope you meet someone who learned also. I wish they would teach this in school, along with how things you do affect everything.
What she called "love" in my country we call it something like "inflammation" wich is a strong but passing feeling but not love. And this is totally confused and misleading.
Truly truly truly truly!!! I married for LOVE the feeling, but I've learned quickly that our CHOICE to commit to each other and practice the act of LOViNG (even when we truly want to run the other way) has brought us to new depths of FEELING love, friendship and deep appreciation for one another. Some days, when I feel disconnected, I literally have a mantra while I'm driving around "I choose, I choose, I choose" - because it helps me remember that I can also choose things like to be mad, or to dwell, or to be positive.... ALL things in love require some choice... it's very beautiful and poetic to me :) and in every area of my life
I find Taylor's second piece very depressing. How can she not go for the people who give her butterflies but rather those that show commitment? That's crazy! One will never have the whole package that way. It needs to start with butterflies and shy feelings and huge excitement. Later the flutters go but the love remains. At some point there are things that make you crazy about one another and this is where you start choosing. Not choosing to love, because you already love the person, but choosing to work through the issues. I think she has it all backwards
It doesn't NEED to start with butterflies though-- my love was a slow burn, I didn't even like him at first, and his was 'butterflies' and in the end, I think I loved him more than he ever loved me. The flutters went away for him at the four year mark, but when they faded away and he felt them for someone else, he chased after the butterflies instead of choosing me. This is the whole point she's making, not that you just make the logical choice period, but that you know, 'chemistry' and 'butterflies' isn't the end all and be all-- it lies. It's a biological reaction. Sure you need to have it in the beginning, but you shouldn't make it your sole decision in a partner.
Load More Replies...Youre 25 and a poet little girl... have a fully lived, then I will hear what you have to say
Amazing. I agree with the suggestion of it being a class for young people
Pfff. Vapid shallow c**p by someone who has yet to live a life of experiences and love.
Limerence/infatuation is the feeling most people have incorrectly associated with "love". That's mostly because of how culture and media presents "loving relationships". TV & film especially present love as powerful, passionate, and intense behaviors and feelings. They should be calling this infatuation or limerence. Under functional MRI imaging, there's been an interesting similarity between the brain activity shown by subjects describing feeling "in love" and the brain activity of people with opioid addictions. Limerence is not a perpetual feeling. It lasts between 3 months & 2 years. After limerence wears off, the choice to stay with a companion or leave them presents itself. Culture's obsession with the wrong illustrations of love result in many people abandoning perfectly good relationships because they think "the love is gone". You'll see the phrase "the magic is gone" a lot, too, which should tell you something, because magic is fiction.
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