Woman Asks “AITA For Regretting Our Decision To Let Sister-In-Law Carry Our Child?” As She’s Becoming Very Intrusive
It goes without saying that pregnancies are some of the hardest experiences life can throw at any woman. So, you can imagine how high the difficulty ramps up when there’s complications involved.
Complications like marital spats and relationship problems, family culture and boundaries, personal illnesses and bodily complications, financial challenges, and heaps upon heaps of other hurdles.
Well, surrogacy is no different, if not one of the most challenging experiences to overcome in such a case. To put things into perspective, consider this bit of storytelling coming from Reddit’s Am I The A-Hole? Community, where a woman had her sister-in-law be her surrogate mother, and it was an emotional roller coaster right from the get go.
More Info: Reddit
Pregnancy is never easy, and there are many ways to make it even more difficult, so you can guess just how hard surrogacy might be for everyone involved
Image credits: Jason Bachman (not the actual photo)
The story goes that OP, throwaway Reddit user u/KindViolinist, has a history of cancer and subsequent treatment. She got better, but at the cost of having her uterus removed. She did manage to freeze some eggs, as per the advice of her oncologist. She knew she’d want to have kids down the road, and her husband felt the same way.
Some years later, when she started thinking about surrogacy, her sister-in-law Bethany volunteered to be the surrogate mother. She herself already had 3 kids, all smooth pregnancies, and was more than enthused—actually, the entire family was all for the idea.
A mother-to-be shared her struggles with her sister-in-law surrogate, detailing how she somehow ended up being “the jerk” and regretting choosing her
Image credits: KindViolinist
Well, unlike her previous pregnancies, this one has been a rough journey. She started experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms that she never used to, but everyone jumped in to help. They took care of the nieces and nephew, drove them to school and extracurriculars, prepared meals, all that so she could concentrate on her health.
That alone seemed alarming to OP, but then it became even more so. The surrogate started doing things OP found uncomfortable. Things like organizing a maternity photo shoot, which included the rest of the extended family. Things like posting about the pregnancy and surrogacy on social media. Things like referring to the baby as “her little nugget.”
The last straw was when she started insisting on a joint baby shower. Granted, it couldn’t have gone any other way other than having two mothers and a dad there, but OP felt like she should for once be at the center of attention and be celebrated as a mother. The sister-in-law, after all, has already experienced it multiple times, and OP didn’t feel like anybody acknowledged that it was her kid.
Having survived cancer, OP froze her eggs in the hopes of having kids one day, and it turned out her sister-in-law was more than happy to help her out as a surrogate
Image credits: KindViolinist
Image credits: John Lawlor (not the actual photo)
The husband, however, was of a different opinion, saying that his sister is taking on this huge sacrifice for them and thus they ought to be grateful in any case. But OP has a sense of impending doom—that the sister-in-law will continue butting into their family even after the birth, as she already has a lot of control, as it seems.
“I am already sensitive about not being able to carry my child, and watching her take this over the top has hurt me. Am I the [jerk] for feeling hurt and wanting my own baby shower?” concluded OP.
OP provided several large updates to the story as comments were piling in asking for more information. Information like other specifics the sister-in-law has done, like another conflict they had about the gender reveal party, not being able to have any privacy with the kid during its first several days after birth, and the question of breastfeeding.
However, it turned out to be hard on many levels as the sister-in-law has become controlling and possessive of the baby that isn’t even hers
She also explained that, on a legal level, everything is properly sorted, so she can rest assured that the baby will be handed over to her. However, the worry comes from the fact that the sister-in-law will continue to be in the picture by other means because she is still family. Hence, her doubts and regrets about picking the sister-in-law.
Given her extensive account on the matters, folks had many takes on it. Mostly, it was an NTA from the community. Many agreed that the surrogate should not have been so possessive and controlling about it. While it did feel understandable, it was in no way her baby and she should have respected that.
Following her original post, OP gave several updates and context in response to people’s questions and concerns
Image credits: Daniel Lobo (not the actual photo)
Others suggested therapy to work through all of their emotions and the state of things between the two mothers and the dad. And some suggested their own approach, which is to grin and bear it until the kid is born, and then leg it so as to solidify her blood bond with the kid and let “Aunty SIL” see her, but within reason.
However, there were those who opted for an ESH, which is “everyone sucks here”. They explained that OP should have been more forward with the sister-in-law when things were beginning to feel uncomfortable with everyone pushing for the surrogacy. She should have put her foot down then, if anything, because it seemed apparent that the sister-in-law was an unsuitable candidate because of her pushy behavior.
In the end, OP had a lot to think about as most said she had the right to feel how she did, but there were those who found fault in everyone involved
Some didn’t agree with OP’s view of attending the birth and staying at the hospital together with the surrogate—after all, the sister-in-law gets to decide who she wants to surround herself with during the very painful and vulnerable moment that is birth.
But, overall, OP was determined to not be the jerk, and people justified the way she feels… with certain things to work on, which OP seems to have considered in her updates. Whatever the case, the post got some modest attention on Reddit, but was reposted on several other websites.
You can read the detailed story and all of the comments on Reddit, but not without sharing your thoughts in the comment section below!
Yikes! This is messy. NTA, My concern is she won't separate the feelings that this is not her baby after the baby is born. Even if she hands the baby over i have a suspicion she will constantly remind you, and your kud, that SHE was pregnant and birthed the child. She may even feel she will have claim to how your child is raised. Look over that paperwork again and really make sure you have all bases covered
Agreed, this seems like someone who’ll demand access to ‘their baby’ afterwards. I bet she’ll be one of those who’ll criticise every parenting decision the OP makes too.
Load More Replies...OP needs to insist on moving far away from the surrogate if she wants to be the only mother in her child's life! SIL is absolutely going to view this child as HER baby too!
NTA! WoW...I understand SIL is sacrificing her body to make OPs family a reality but DAMN know your role. It wasn't her place to post photos, make announcements, plan parties, or even put in her 2 cents. I feel bad the OP was made to feel bad about her feelings when they were 100% legitimate. I hope it got better after the baby was born.
… You don’t hold baby showers for other peoples children. I’m not convinced the SIL is quite clear on the concept of surrogate mother. She. Has. No. Claim. “My little nugget”? There’s something not so great here, I think, some explanations may be necessary.
SIL is psycho! Had the surrogate been a stranger, everything SIL did would be huge red flags that the surrogate was planning to steal the baby. Your husband is not helping things either. Move away with baby. He he doesn't come with you, he doesn't love you enough to be married to you.
NTA it isn't her baby and she told your in-laws the baby's gender when you wanted a gender reveal. She says her nugget when it's your baby she's carrying. She wants to ogle over cute outfits after having kids herself. She's insane
My best friend is gay and he and his husband had to get a surrogate to have their baby. There's a part of you that really hates having to have a 3rd party involved. It means rules you have to agree to and you do simply because you don't want to scare them off. It takes SO long and so much money to find someone so you end up being grateful just to get them to do it that you feel you have no right to ask for or expect anything else. If you can't afford it then it becomes almost a desperation. But I have to say--I don't think I'd ever let someone in my family do this. I just think you're setting yourself up for a huge problem down the line. If I had to use a surrogate it would absolutely be a stranger who is then gone from my life legally. SIL may end up thinking she has some kind of rights she really doesn't have. And now you're stuck with this person in your life. You're the child's mother-don't let anyone forget that. Be grateful of course, but don't be a pushover.
Simple. SIL is acting like it’s her baby & is loving the attention. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s exaggerating pregnancy symptoms to gain extra concern. Some people love attention.
This is tough. Because I think we can all completely understand the bond this woman is going to feel towards the life growing inside her. For anyone who has been able to carry a child inside them. I think we all know how genuine and awesome that feeling is. It's the closest anyone will ever be to you in those 9 months. It's like being imprinted upon with another person. I think that's why I could never be a surrogate. Because I couldn't just not be apart of that child life after carrying them that close for 9 months. I also think boundaries should be respected when it comes to what the biological parents want. While all parties are mindful of their part in this and trying to work together for the child. If the surrogate crosses boundaries then do what you feel is best. I honestly feel for all involved in this situation and wish everyone of them the best.
I have an extended family member that acted as a surrogate for strangers, either 2 or 3 times, with different people. She actually did the same kinds of things, and asked to be part of the babys' lives after birth. If it had only been once, I'd say that it was just part of the bond a mother would make with the fetus she's carrying, but that it happened more than once made it seem like it was more about getting attention. Honestly, it would all be difficult. Like it's a business transaction in one sense, but in another it's so physically and emotionally intimate for the surrogate that it's much more
Jennifer Lee has no idea what surrogacy means. It's not the woman carrying her own baby created by her own egg and her spouse's sperm to be handed to another woman. That would be called adopting. This is towards Jennifer. The baby is not coming from the surrogate's own egg and her spouse's sperm. It's an egg of one woman, fertilized in a lab with the sperm of her spouse and then it's transplanted into the womb of the surrogate. The surrogate should and needs to understand and agree she is not the mother of the developing baby during pregnancy and after. However, it's good that a surrogate cares and loves the developing human in order to ensure a healthy baby. It's a lot better than the surrogate not caring, continuing to smoke, drink, eat junk and not take care of herself and the unborn baby. That would be far worse than the surrogate enjoying the experience. But the baby doesn't belong to the surrogate. It's not from her egg. It's not about being taken advantage of if both parties voluntarily agreed to the surrogacy.
Load More Replies...What part of THIS IS NOT HER BABY does she not understand. She is not the child's mother, she is a fetus incubator, period. Having a pregnancy photoshoot while carrying someone else's child is just downright creepy. This b*tch needs some serious therapy. I hope it all works out for you. (And your husband needs to get on board. Whether Bethany is "doing a wonderful thing" or not, her behavior is bizarre to say the least.)
It seems you did due diligence with your legal documents, but failed to contractually address expectations and key elements for the pregnancy and birth. Non-familial surrogacy contracts address everything, to include how the baby will be identified (not referring to the baby as "hers"), social media sharing, information disclosure (what the surrogate may share, when, and with whom), delivery and delivery room details, showers and celebrations, and postnatal matters. Of course, professional surrogates are typically financially compensated for their role as "vessel", helping to create and maintain a boundary. Hopefully now that baby is here, the situation is resolved and all are moving happily forward.
NTA but that doesn’t really matter. Right now sil has all power and gets all the support. Until the legal paperwork is signed and the baby officially hers, LW needs to suck up to sil like it’s her paid job. She wants to open gifts at the shower and ooh and ahh over the bitty outfits? Sure, if that what she wants, don’t forget to bring the spinach dip! She wants a marching band in the delivery room with her, then start practicing the flute! LW’s goal needs to be getting her baby with minimum fuss and this is the price she has to pay. Once she gets the baby legally, she’s the mother and she sets the rules.
If she does that then that will lead her to believe she's ok with her being that involved. This is not good advice at all. The biological parents need to be completely open and honest about how they feel. If she did take your advice her actions alone would be setting herself up for a surrogate to think she's cool and down for her to be involved. There's no reason to kiss a*s in this situation and be dishonest. That only leads to confusion and upset in an already difficult situation.
Load More Replies...Seems she resolved her issue. Not sure why BP decided to post this. Are we to either commend or tear apart these people for something so personal to them and their family?
My parents eldest son (whom I refuse to call the "b" word as a result of this) and his wife are both infertile. In 2006, I offered to be a surrogate with my egg and someone's donor sperm. My parents paid for me to have the procedure done twice but both attempts failed so he and his wife stopped speaking to me. At the time my mum asked if he wanted to have a third attempt and I said I was more than happy to do so. I've never wanted kids so had no problem in pooping it out and immediately handing it over. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, and I quote, "No. It's full of false promise." Cool your boots Queen Drama. And that's why we haven't spoken for 16 years. He's great :-D
Wow, after you tried to help and through no fault of your own it didn't pan out. Your parents eldest son sounds ignorant and treated you horribly. So sorry that happened to you.
Load More Replies...I would be afraid she would try and keep the child. I think you and your husband would have been better off if you had gone with a stranger. Sounds like she will interfere with the child's upbringing.
The skin on skin should be with the actual mother ONLY, not the SIL. We all know the SIL is going to 'accidentally on purpose' breastfeed .......oh it happened during skin on skin time, she was nuzzling and wanted it.... its a freaking creepy request . NO skin on skin for the SIL and limited contact for her after the birth, this is not her child.
And this is why there shouldn't be surrogates in my opinion. Along with many other reasons.
Sounds like a perfect arrangement when it starts out doesn’t it? BUT it is probably hard for many surrogates to give up the baby. With a family member who is a surrogate there is the worry that they will always feel like it’s their baby and you will be the second mom. I’m sorry you’re in this situation because I think it’s going to blow up into a huge feud. I hope your husband steps in and takes charge before it’s too late. I hope so.
I say ESH. YTA for judging her for her symptoms as you cannot genuinly know about what she feels like. also she is going to push your baby out of het body, she has a right to have whatever support she wants be it her mother sister or whoever. important is you are also there. but she seems to think it is also her baby and needs to respect your boundaries. if you are not comfortable with her breast feeding she should not do it ( btw in the past it was completely normal to breast feed someone elses baby if the mother did nit have milk) although breast milk is the healthiest and you could consider her pump for at least the first month if she is willing to, esp. the very first milk is said to be the best. you should have a talk with her as she needs to understand her role in this. she is just an aunt not tye mother
So she's basically carrying her brothers baby ? Way too close for me, my surrogate would have to be a perfectly healthy complete stranger.
Stop minimizing someone elses stress and struggles. It shouldn't matter what someone's status is or where they come from. We all have struggles and things we need help with. You'd do good to be mindful of that and stop devaluing anyone's struggle AndersM.
Load More Replies...Maybe read the whole article, especially the part where op froze her own eggs. Dumb a*s.
Load More Replies...Yikes! This is messy. NTA, My concern is she won't separate the feelings that this is not her baby after the baby is born. Even if she hands the baby over i have a suspicion she will constantly remind you, and your kud, that SHE was pregnant and birthed the child. She may even feel she will have claim to how your child is raised. Look over that paperwork again and really make sure you have all bases covered
Agreed, this seems like someone who’ll demand access to ‘their baby’ afterwards. I bet she’ll be one of those who’ll criticise every parenting decision the OP makes too.
Load More Replies...OP needs to insist on moving far away from the surrogate if she wants to be the only mother in her child's life! SIL is absolutely going to view this child as HER baby too!
NTA! WoW...I understand SIL is sacrificing her body to make OPs family a reality but DAMN know your role. It wasn't her place to post photos, make announcements, plan parties, or even put in her 2 cents. I feel bad the OP was made to feel bad about her feelings when they were 100% legitimate. I hope it got better after the baby was born.
… You don’t hold baby showers for other peoples children. I’m not convinced the SIL is quite clear on the concept of surrogate mother. She. Has. No. Claim. “My little nugget”? There’s something not so great here, I think, some explanations may be necessary.
SIL is psycho! Had the surrogate been a stranger, everything SIL did would be huge red flags that the surrogate was planning to steal the baby. Your husband is not helping things either. Move away with baby. He he doesn't come with you, he doesn't love you enough to be married to you.
NTA it isn't her baby and she told your in-laws the baby's gender when you wanted a gender reveal. She says her nugget when it's your baby she's carrying. She wants to ogle over cute outfits after having kids herself. She's insane
My best friend is gay and he and his husband had to get a surrogate to have their baby. There's a part of you that really hates having to have a 3rd party involved. It means rules you have to agree to and you do simply because you don't want to scare them off. It takes SO long and so much money to find someone so you end up being grateful just to get them to do it that you feel you have no right to ask for or expect anything else. If you can't afford it then it becomes almost a desperation. But I have to say--I don't think I'd ever let someone in my family do this. I just think you're setting yourself up for a huge problem down the line. If I had to use a surrogate it would absolutely be a stranger who is then gone from my life legally. SIL may end up thinking she has some kind of rights she really doesn't have. And now you're stuck with this person in your life. You're the child's mother-don't let anyone forget that. Be grateful of course, but don't be a pushover.
Simple. SIL is acting like it’s her baby & is loving the attention. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s exaggerating pregnancy symptoms to gain extra concern. Some people love attention.
This is tough. Because I think we can all completely understand the bond this woman is going to feel towards the life growing inside her. For anyone who has been able to carry a child inside them. I think we all know how genuine and awesome that feeling is. It's the closest anyone will ever be to you in those 9 months. It's like being imprinted upon with another person. I think that's why I could never be a surrogate. Because I couldn't just not be apart of that child life after carrying them that close for 9 months. I also think boundaries should be respected when it comes to what the biological parents want. While all parties are mindful of their part in this and trying to work together for the child. If the surrogate crosses boundaries then do what you feel is best. I honestly feel for all involved in this situation and wish everyone of them the best.
I have an extended family member that acted as a surrogate for strangers, either 2 or 3 times, with different people. She actually did the same kinds of things, and asked to be part of the babys' lives after birth. If it had only been once, I'd say that it was just part of the bond a mother would make with the fetus she's carrying, but that it happened more than once made it seem like it was more about getting attention. Honestly, it would all be difficult. Like it's a business transaction in one sense, but in another it's so physically and emotionally intimate for the surrogate that it's much more
Jennifer Lee has no idea what surrogacy means. It's not the woman carrying her own baby created by her own egg and her spouse's sperm to be handed to another woman. That would be called adopting. This is towards Jennifer. The baby is not coming from the surrogate's own egg and her spouse's sperm. It's an egg of one woman, fertilized in a lab with the sperm of her spouse and then it's transplanted into the womb of the surrogate. The surrogate should and needs to understand and agree she is not the mother of the developing baby during pregnancy and after. However, it's good that a surrogate cares and loves the developing human in order to ensure a healthy baby. It's a lot better than the surrogate not caring, continuing to smoke, drink, eat junk and not take care of herself and the unborn baby. That would be far worse than the surrogate enjoying the experience. But the baby doesn't belong to the surrogate. It's not from her egg. It's not about being taken advantage of if both parties voluntarily agreed to the surrogacy.
Load More Replies...What part of THIS IS NOT HER BABY does she not understand. She is not the child's mother, she is a fetus incubator, period. Having a pregnancy photoshoot while carrying someone else's child is just downright creepy. This b*tch needs some serious therapy. I hope it all works out for you. (And your husband needs to get on board. Whether Bethany is "doing a wonderful thing" or not, her behavior is bizarre to say the least.)
It seems you did due diligence with your legal documents, but failed to contractually address expectations and key elements for the pregnancy and birth. Non-familial surrogacy contracts address everything, to include how the baby will be identified (not referring to the baby as "hers"), social media sharing, information disclosure (what the surrogate may share, when, and with whom), delivery and delivery room details, showers and celebrations, and postnatal matters. Of course, professional surrogates are typically financially compensated for their role as "vessel", helping to create and maintain a boundary. Hopefully now that baby is here, the situation is resolved and all are moving happily forward.
NTA but that doesn’t really matter. Right now sil has all power and gets all the support. Until the legal paperwork is signed and the baby officially hers, LW needs to suck up to sil like it’s her paid job. She wants to open gifts at the shower and ooh and ahh over the bitty outfits? Sure, if that what she wants, don’t forget to bring the spinach dip! She wants a marching band in the delivery room with her, then start practicing the flute! LW’s goal needs to be getting her baby with minimum fuss and this is the price she has to pay. Once she gets the baby legally, she’s the mother and she sets the rules.
If she does that then that will lead her to believe she's ok with her being that involved. This is not good advice at all. The biological parents need to be completely open and honest about how they feel. If she did take your advice her actions alone would be setting herself up for a surrogate to think she's cool and down for her to be involved. There's no reason to kiss a*s in this situation and be dishonest. That only leads to confusion and upset in an already difficult situation.
Load More Replies...Seems she resolved her issue. Not sure why BP decided to post this. Are we to either commend or tear apart these people for something so personal to them and their family?
My parents eldest son (whom I refuse to call the "b" word as a result of this) and his wife are both infertile. In 2006, I offered to be a surrogate with my egg and someone's donor sperm. My parents paid for me to have the procedure done twice but both attempts failed so he and his wife stopped speaking to me. At the time my mum asked if he wanted to have a third attempt and I said I was more than happy to do so. I've never wanted kids so had no problem in pooping it out and immediately handing it over. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, and I quote, "No. It's full of false promise." Cool your boots Queen Drama. And that's why we haven't spoken for 16 years. He's great :-D
Wow, after you tried to help and through no fault of your own it didn't pan out. Your parents eldest son sounds ignorant and treated you horribly. So sorry that happened to you.
Load More Replies...I would be afraid she would try and keep the child. I think you and your husband would have been better off if you had gone with a stranger. Sounds like she will interfere with the child's upbringing.
The skin on skin should be with the actual mother ONLY, not the SIL. We all know the SIL is going to 'accidentally on purpose' breastfeed .......oh it happened during skin on skin time, she was nuzzling and wanted it.... its a freaking creepy request . NO skin on skin for the SIL and limited contact for her after the birth, this is not her child.
And this is why there shouldn't be surrogates in my opinion. Along with many other reasons.
Sounds like a perfect arrangement when it starts out doesn’t it? BUT it is probably hard for many surrogates to give up the baby. With a family member who is a surrogate there is the worry that they will always feel like it’s their baby and you will be the second mom. I’m sorry you’re in this situation because I think it’s going to blow up into a huge feud. I hope your husband steps in and takes charge before it’s too late. I hope so.
I say ESH. YTA for judging her for her symptoms as you cannot genuinly know about what she feels like. also she is going to push your baby out of het body, she has a right to have whatever support she wants be it her mother sister or whoever. important is you are also there. but she seems to think it is also her baby and needs to respect your boundaries. if you are not comfortable with her breast feeding she should not do it ( btw in the past it was completely normal to breast feed someone elses baby if the mother did nit have milk) although breast milk is the healthiest and you could consider her pump for at least the first month if she is willing to, esp. the very first milk is said to be the best. you should have a talk with her as she needs to understand her role in this. she is just an aunt not tye mother
So she's basically carrying her brothers baby ? Way too close for me, my surrogate would have to be a perfectly healthy complete stranger.
Stop minimizing someone elses stress and struggles. It shouldn't matter what someone's status is or where they come from. We all have struggles and things we need help with. You'd do good to be mindful of that and stop devaluing anyone's struggle AndersM.
Load More Replies...Maybe read the whole article, especially the part where op froze her own eggs. Dumb a*s.
Load More Replies...
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