Dad Left Shattered When Daughter Chooses Biological Father Over Him, Refuses To Walk Her Down The Aisle After ‘Real Dad’ Passed Away
This story comes from a dad who hasn’t spoken with his daughter in years. “When she was 15 we found out she wasn’t my biological daughter and my wife had cheated on me years ago with a friend,” he wrote in a heartfelt post on r/AITA that received 21.2k upvotes.
The family collapsed after he divorced his wife, and his daughter “started pulling away from him.” At one point, she decided to live with her biological father, breaking the author’s heart and leaving him very depressed.
Now the situation has changed and the author’s daughter reached out to him after years asking if he could walk her down the aisle. After refusing, the dad turned to people online to find out if it was really the right decision.
After not speaking with his daughter for years, this father receives a request to walk her down the aisle, to which he refuses
Image credits: Neustockimages
It turns out that he’s had a very complicated relationship with his daughter, who turned away after finding out he is not her biological father
And this is what people had to comment in response to this situation
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When this woman was twenty, she made her decision to cut him out of her life and now she has to deal with the consequences of that decision. He doesn't owe her a thing and the only reason she called is because her bio dad is dead. He is not being an asshole, he is trying to protect his heart and mind by not getting back into that relationship again. She will only hurt him again. After the wedding was over, she would probably never call him again.
Yep. She just doesn't like the idea of not having a father to walk her down the aisle. She's just using him to make her wedding 'fit' her ideal. What kind of a person does this to someone who brought them up? That they thought was their real dad until 15? Not his fault that he wasn't. She's not worth it.
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Even if he'd be the biological father, nobody could force him. She broke contact with him and treated him badly. Sure, getting to know "the other dad" is absolutely fine, but the rest is crap. He doesnt owe her anything, specially after that.
Getting to know her 'other dad' who caused so much pain to her family and caused her family to no longer exist (yes, yes, with the cheating wife; one issue at a time), is absolutely fine; if you're kind of amoral. I think the daughter is the kind of person that would find otherdad to be more of a kindred spirit, than 'not-narcissist dad' who was always there.
Load More Replies... i wont lie im adopted and i thought about asking my biological dad wen i got married but the reason i went with my adoptive father is bc hes the one who cared for me and loved me and raised me my whole life. i did invite both my biological parents but they both said they didnt deserve to b there i didnt fight it cuz i get it they havent been there for me and so on but they r the reason im here and they deserve to kno that someone they brought into this world is happy and healthy and has a good life. it hurt but i respected their answer. this mans daughter shouldve respected his response bc not only did he raise her and care for her throughout her whole childhood but bc its her fault things ended up this way. she shouldve realized her mistake and understood how hurt he is and respect his feelings. biological or not, there for u or not they r still ur parents and u should respect them. ive always said that unless the parent does something to lose all respect u should never disrespect ur parents. they do so much for you and deserve all the respect in the world.
That passage was enlightening. Thank you for sharing your experiences. :)
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Here is my thought on the matter. If she had treated you like crap when she was 15 and wanted to break off contact, then suddenly reconnect...I would say forgive her because a lot of teenagers at that age not only don't really know what they want or what's important...but how to deal with something as shocking as finding out your dad is not your dad. But she was 20 years old and had plenty of time to process what happened. Her treating you like garbage tells me she really didn't want to be part of your life. And if all she said was "I know we haven't talked in a while.." and not "I'm sorry I treated you like crap...I was wrong," then let her walk down the aisle alone. She made her bed..now she has to lay in it.
Nope. You are 100% correct. She made her decision and now she has to live it with. I would not lose any sleep over this one. Not worthy of an ounce of your time and energy.
Why does she need to be walked down the aisle? I always found that to be patriarchal bullshit. I walked down the aisle side by side with my husband, because no one was giving either one of us away. We’re not chattel.
What is worse is that traditionally, the father is giving the daughter away to the new man who will watch over and protect her. For the daughter to ask the father to walk her down the aisle and give her away, after he already lost her, just seemed extra cruel.
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I know some will think that parents should leap into action and burry the pain that was caused to them but she hurt him deeply. He even tried to reach out to her but she shot him down. It is not her right to have him there and he is protecting his own mental health by staying away.
Honestly this only goes untill the kid is 18 or so. After that if kiddy dear is an insufferable asshat by all means disown the little monster.
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If this was for any other reason I would say it was okay she wanted to pop back up, but no in this instant she has selfish intentions. If her real dad was alive she wouldn't have contacted you at all and likely never would. I don't blame you and you're definitely NTA. I like the suggestion of having her brother give her away.
Keep living your life, dad, and don't let that venomous snake back into your life. Punishing you for a mistake your wife commited? Naaaaah. Let it go.
It would be different if she had tried to make amends before she wanted him to do something for her. Why couldn't she have kept her relationship with both fathers. It wasn't his fault that she wasn't biologically his father. He did nothing wrong and got pushed out of her life. She made a decision to block him out, she can't have it both ways. You know if her bio-dad were alive, she never would have contacted him.
If she'd started getting back in touch with him (regardless of whenever biological sperm donor passed away) prior to the wedding, to re-establish a relationship, that would be one thing. It sounds like she just wants him to play a role in her "perfect day" and then what? Go away? Be part of her life? Dunno, but I'd bet it wouldn't be sunshine and roses. Biologically or not, he raised her as his daughter and she s**t on him when had had rules to follow.
I feel like the division in comments here is a pretty good indictor of who has dealt with narcissists and who hasn't. If you have ever suffered from the toxic behaviour of a family member, and the shameless gaslighting when they realise they need/want something but cannot even fake an apology to you, and then the additional abuse from other family members who label you the bad guy for not valuing their blood above your right to basic respect, then you would not be supporting this woman's treatment of her father. I really feel for this man.
This is just horrible, and that "daughter" is a little bitch, as far as I can see. He's suffered enough without bringing her toxic personality back into his life.
If he had cut her out of his life, I would say he's being an AH. But she made a decision, as an adult, to cut ties with him. Sorry sweety, you walked out the door, now it's closed. Bye.
She's only mad because she's not getting what she wants when it's convenient for her. Even if u did walk her down the aisle I bet you wouldn't hear from her afterwards anyways. So not TA.
I had a similar situation happen to me. I felt exactly the same way. You are NTA. You reap what you sow, and she doesn't like what she got.
So if he did walk her down the aisle, will she cut him out of her life again because he has completed his role? That would BREAK him, even more then before. She is selfish to want this. If she had come back into his life with a sincere apology for her behaviour and own up for her mistakes, then it may be a different story (if it was me, I'd acknowledge the apology but still would not walk her down the aisle or attend wedding)
If this is what really happened, you are right on the money with this one. She chose to pull away, with NO regard to your feelings. She knew what she was doing. She knew that she really hurt you, not just once, but over and over again. This was her choice. You are not God, and aren't supposed to feel guilty for how YOU feel. I believe that your decision still hurts you, but don't second guess yourself. I would have absolutely done the same thing!
so NTA! there was nothing wrong with her wanting to know her bio dad but she shouldn't have cut you out of her life. and, if after yrs of being away from your life by her choice she is viewing you as a stand in for appearance's sake. yes, it hurts. but you were their for the first 15 yrs and it seems she doesn't want to remember that part. move on; try to let go of the hurt. besides, if the bio dad was a human being while he was alive he would have supported you by encouraging her to keep contact. nope - definitely NTA but her mother probably is.
He did the right thing. I would bet good money that if he had walked this woman down the aisle, she'd have cut him off afterwards anyway.
She's using wanting to get to know her bio father as a reason to get off the hook on how she burned the bridge with OP. Wanting to know your bio dad as a kid and later (in your 20's!) throw a fit and cut OP out of your life are two separate things. She was an adult when she did that, and she did that after saying "you're not my father". So she cut contact and now wants him to do her a favor, probably for show more than for emotional value. I also wonder how having a substitute for her bio father just like that would have made him feel.
I agree with the "dad". None of us can afford to have toxic, selfish people in our lives. I had to cut out some people (although not family but very old "friends" because of their toxicity. It really hurt but, I moved on and now they can't keep hurting me. You are only a doormat if you lay down.
NTA. It might be a good idea for the two to start talking again, but a big-ass wedding is definitelyy not the place to do that. Someone should tell the girl that all over the world people marry without the outdated custom of the father handing over his property to the new owner (sorry, but that is were this custom comes from) and we are all doing quite ok.
A father is someone who is blood. A dad is someone who is there for you.
It sounds as if she's inherited her late biological father's trait for using people. The man who raised her was her dad and she turned her back on him for a novelty. Now she expects him to dance to her tune with a couldn't-care-less "it's all about ME" attitude. What are the odds that her husband-to-be is just like dad while she turns out to be the chip off the old block.
Every time i read these stories i wonder if we learn the whole story! The daughter sounds horrible but we only hear his side of the story so I'm not sure how things are like this in reality... I'm a child that no longer speaks with my father and whoever you ask from my environment will tell you that he claims that he is trying very hard to be in my life! Well, he is not! Didn't have a call from him for almost a decade! So I'm not sure if people tell us the whole truth in these posts
I agree. There are hints there may be a lot more to the story - who knows how everyone behaved during the divorce? He also kicked her out of the house when she wanted to stay with him - maybe it was justified if she wasn't working etc, but maybe she was depressed and needed help. There is a lot going on here but honestly, I think he should give it a shot. People change. And a wedding is something you remember or resent forever. Why not give her that perfect day and then see how she behaves later?
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She was 20 when she said this to him, not a15 yr old hormonal and dramatic teenager. There is a limit to how many times someone can inflict pain on someone else.
I was raised by a man that was not my biological father, did not find this out until I was in my junior year of college. My parents told me they met on a blind date but neglected to tell me my mom was 5 months pregnant at the time by a soldier that was engaged to her ( but later turned out to be married with 4 kids). My dad put his name on my birth certificate and he was all I've known my whole life up until that point. Well fast forward a few years...my mom asks me if I wanted to contact my bio father on Facebook, she found him. I told her not really because he obviously didn't care to look me up to find me over the years and my dad is great and could never be replaced. He caught me everytime I fell, he taught me how to navigate life. He's everything to me, I don't need to know that other guy. But ofcourse thats how I handled it and she could have chosen to get to know her bio dad, but turning your back on the man that raised you just seems unthinkable. He deserves a sincere apology.
If she had been 12 when she said this, I might have said yes. But she was an adult, making an adult decision. She got what she wanted. You owe her nothing.
OP is not a spare dad. She chose to go no contact for many years, her choice, but she cannot then ask OP to fill in because bio dad is no longer available. NTA.
If her biological father is still around, i doubt she will even remember her mother ex husband.
No parent should ever owe their kids anything. They gave them life and love when they could and supported them to grow up. When one gains adulthood, grow independent, and don't learn the value of love, then no parent should owe their kids anything.
The one thing I'd like to know is how wealthy her biological father was. It seems she was all to willing to drop her father like a hot potato and I can't help but think that maybe if he was wealthy she thought he could offer her the $$$$$$ and then when he died she wanted the father that raised her.
What it seems like is that bridezilla kicked in, she wants someone to walk her down the aisle to make it a perfect wedding. And likely that will be the last contact dad will have with her. NTA, not by a longshot. Yes, kids get angry, most adults do when they find out truths they didn't want to hear. That she used that as leverage against dad, well, that's just cruel. No dad, she's just using you. She can have her mother or maybe her half-brother walk her down the aisle, or choose someone else. It makes no sense to do this when she's been so rottenly cruel. So sorry for dad, who is the real dad who cared for her growing up.
NTA. She is NOT your biological daughter and made it clear you had no value to her. She ONLY wants you to walk her so she can save face. FK that. Sorry to be rude but she is a worthless karen cnt...
"sorry, I can't walk you down the aisle. I'm not your real dad so I probably shouldn't pretend that I am"
I understand all your posts, but I want to add my perspective. Sometimes people make mistakes, especially when they are young. And she maybe have burned the bridge, but now he has also burned the bridge. Maybe that after her biological father died, she realized life is short and that the man who raised her is still her dad and that this wedding would be a nice way to maybe start to have some sort or relationship again. But he shut it down right away. And yes, I know it is his right and I understand he doesn't want to get hurt again but that is sometimes what children do and now there is very little chance they will ever be on speaking terms. So its a loss for both sides, kinda sad actually :(
NTA I'm only surprised she didn't ask you to pay for her wedding. She's got some big ol' balls under that dress. She's got plenty of alternatives. Her brother, her Mom (if she's still around), sounds like her Uncles (your brothers) are on her side, let them do it. I lost my Dad when I was 15. I would have taken anyone who wanted to fill that paternal role. More Dads the better, I say.
I think it's up to him how to feel and act. Me........I wouldn't walk her down the aisle. It would take work on her part for me to just forgive her.
I think the father is doing the right thing and that the daughter needs to reflect and GROW UP. She left her step dad and didn't want any part of him. She's caught up in an "ideal wedding". Which is not that important. What's important is family and loving the man she's marrying. Not the fairytale wedding people presume.
And her calling him up to ask him to do something for her, after years of not being in contact with him, essentially after she dumped him as her dad, is a huge red flag that she is a selfish person, and that after she has gotten whatever she thinks she can get from him, she will walk away, and break his heart again! Teh reason she walked away from him the first time was because she couldn't have her way in his house. This is just another aspect of getting her way about something.
You gotta learn to forgive. Not forgiving someone leaves you carrying the burden. And it's too obvious you are carrying the burden. Agree. But set rules that make sense for any contact between the two of you. And the two of you must decide how the relationship can be carried forward so it isn't toxic to either of you. If that proves impossible, then it's okay to wish her well, but to decline the opportunity to be a part of her wedding or her life.
The daughter could have got to know her biological father WITHOUT turning her back on the man who thought he was her father. This should not have been an either/or situation. it should have been a "BOTH" situation.
she loved him as her father for 15 years and whenn she finds out he is not her biologycal father she suddenly stops loving him?! i feel like there should be some mental issues about the fact she was not what she thought she was, right at the age whenn she should be reforging her personality. she clearly couldnt process the whole situation, proved by her failing college and not doing anything for months. it is a sing a lot of times that people has unsolved issues. it seems to me that she needed help and nobody was around to help her or even realize there is an issue. she processed it as she could, alone. she might be an asshole now, but dont forget that she is one of the victims of this situation. thinking about it like this, the wedding would be a good starting point to get back into her life and give her the help the father (among everybody else) failed to provide. looking on it like that it seems to me that all of them are assholes.
I hate these stories, they should remain in Reddit! The daughter inherited the worst traits from her biological parents and is a toxic bitch. The living father should remain steadfast and have nothing to do with her; she displayed selfish, inexcusable behavior for YEARS without giving a care about his feelings. As for the groom, RUN away guy, runaway!
"Stop pretending". Omg I can't even imagine how bad that must've hurt, probably one of the most crushing relationship related things one could ever hear. I can't fcking believe her! "A real dad" my ass. You don't become a parent by simply inseminating/giving birth. You become a parent by being one. Parenthood isn't in the genes, it's in actions. A real dad isn't the man you share your genes with, it's the one who loved, protected and raised you, biological or not.
I mean... The whole concept of walking the daughter down the aisle really is just presenting and "transferring" a possession from father to her husband to be. It comes from a time were women were seen less worthy and more of a possession. Why not walking down the aisle as couple? Starting the new path ahead together?
as someone who got married during covid (had a ceremony of 4 people. My husband, myself, the minister and a witness) ... but we had to change the plans from a very small wedding to a non existent wedding basically... so obviously my dad 6 states away couldn't be there but we were planning on having a ceremony and a "redo" lol once Covid was over so my dad could walk me down the aisle... unfortunately my dad passed away last September before he got the chance to .... it sucks so bad and I wish I I had a step father who could be there for me... my step father also passed away 4 years ago and I knew him almost my whole life. So to see her take for granted someone who loves her and for her to be so rude and then act the way she did later is just upsetting on a personal level... I'm not saying that ppl need to embrace whoever's in your life just because other people may not have that person in theirs... but you should be grateful that you have ppl who love you that CAN be there for you.
He has refused to go to the wedding I have read. The OP, his father, has told him that he's fine with his son being in contact with her and isn't getting in the way of their relationship at all. They are in touch but I think this latest behaviour from the daughter has pushed people further to taking different sides.
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Well, at least she wasn't contacting him to pay for the wedding. I was expecting, "will you walk me down the aisle" to be the bait for trying to get him to pay for the wedding.
She made her choice...now she she has to live with the actions. The first woman I kissed told me afterwards that she had a bf and just wanted to be someone's "first". I continued being her friend. Every now and then she'd suggest we catch up over dinner...and like clockwork she always conveniently forgot her purse to pay. We remained friends through the years and gradually lost touch. Then only day she messaged me out of the blue saying she missed me dearly . So I flew out to see her, spent the night, and became intimate. Upon which she said "I love you." I said "I love you too." The moment I left her apartment, blocked her number and she never heard from me again. The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my favorite childhood novels...
He admits to doing a lot of drinking after she cut him off. I wonder if it started before then. Without knowing more about their relationship before he split up with the mother, it's hard to say if he contributed to the bad blood.
" parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally" - F*CK OFF. Love is a precious gift that has to be appreciated.
My question is: who raised her? You and your wife, isn't it? Something has gone wrong.
She doesn’t want him, she wants some guy to walk her down the aisle as part of her pretense of a perfect wedding. She’s just another bridezilla . If she truly wanted him back in her life, instead of a demand that he do something for her, she would’ve started with an apology of having treated him like s**t for so many years after he’d raised her for 15 years. She’s learned an important lesson: Unconditional love is mostly a fairytale we tell ourselves. If you consistently treat people like crap without sincere apology they will eventually turn away
Parent is the person who raises you well, the person who behaves as a parent, who feeds you, protect you and enables you to go to school and to have everything you need. It doesn't matter if they are biological parent. he was a good dad, and it wasn't his fault his wife was with another man and didn't even bother to tell him or the child. It's horrible thing for him to happen. The daughter was a child when she decided to leave him though, but it still doesn't feel right.
Honestly it sounds like a whole lot of deeply hurt feelings on all sides. Both could probably benefit from talking to a therapist and each other. Complaining to other family members and the entire internet about each other isn't going to make anyone feel better.
Yta. She’s your daughter. You raised her until she was 15. she treated you just as bad and as cruel as some children treat their parents. Here’s the kicker: it hurts but it’s more or less normal. She wanted to find out. You drank. You put her up against either or decisions. You gave her an ultimatum. These are divisive actions. You could have been more self assured. You blame too much and look too little at yourself. She reached out and you decided to be too hurt and still hold a grudge. It’s your right. But it makes yta. And it throws a light on your reporting of the events.
I see youre being downvoted, but I think you're right. I can not imagine that someone being raised in a loving, caring family then learning at 15 that the man who raised them is not their biological dad, deciding that the 'sperm donor' all of a sudden is their dad. Seems like something is off.
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She waited until she had a use for him though. If she'd contacted him for no other reason bar 'I'm sorry, let's reconnect and try again' then okay. In many countries the age where children are held criminally responsible is 10. Some are a bit older. There is a reason for that. They generally DO know. Yes, brains are still developing and people aren't experienced but it doesn't take a genius level IQ to realise that what you've done would have hurt someone. She was 20 - that's not a child. People make many life choices at that age - study/career/family. Early last century 14 year olds went out to work and contributed to the household. His younger son seemed to get it! She could have got to know her biological father without outright rejecting him.
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Go and read more of what he has to say on Reddit. She kept slagging him off to other family members and at 26 she is too old for adolescent rebellions. He walked away under great provocation and STILL wished her well with her wedding and marriage. He has done this to protect himself after suffering with poor mental health. His son has watched all this going on and stood by him and he never asked his son to pick a side. This man's brother has apologised for taking the 'wrong' side. He really is NTA.
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Not everyone is particularly bothered about grandchildren. Besides, they aren't related to him, are they? He had to protect himself and so he probably feels quite differently about her now - people can permanently damage the love another has for them.
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Yeah - but she found out at 15 and rejected him at 20. She's now 26. She's had over 10 years to deal with this and it's not his fault. Why reject him when her mother is the one who mislead them all?
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You believe she will change her ways after the wedding? Like magically want him in her life again? Please....She wants her day to be perfect, and doesn't care about his feelings. Didn't care for those 10-11 years and won't care later. The only thing he'll regret is being a fool and falling for that trap again. That's it.
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He also has said this: "I never gave up on her. For years I reached out and she’s the one who said I am not her real father and to leave her alone. That’s how she told me and I decided that’s fine then. I'll tell you a variation of something my therapist told me once: Unconditional love does not require unconditional tolerance of treatment. You can love someone and not accept how they treat you. You can love someone and recognize that their behaviour is not good for your life and distance yourself from them. 'I'm not going to be your dad if you don't want me to be your dad' isn't putting a condition on your love, it's respecting a boundary. That she put in place. Goodness knows there are enough posts on this thread of non-biological parents trying to force their love on kids who've made it clear they don't want it." That's the end of the quote from him - he's not done this lightly at all.
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This is literally the exact opposite of what happened. He tried to stay in her life and she only cared about blood. And now she is gaslighting him, saying that she never ever did anything wrong ever, and that parents are supposed to love unconditionally, even though *she* is the one who said he wasn't her parent. (Assuming his version is true, of course.) The fact that she did not apologise for any of her behaviour or for causing him so much pain is a pretty huge red flag that she has no shame and no respect.
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She's not come to him for forgiveness, most likely she wants a father figure to walk her down the aisle. Smacks of selfishness. Also, why in truth should he care about babies that won't be related to him? I know that's not the full measure of why people care but there has to be some connection and in this instance what would that be? The offspring of a woman who rejected him?
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Then why did she choose to live with him when she was 20? Why did she want him to walk her down the aisle 6 years later? I mean, the man treated her like sh!t and she'd finally got him out of her life...
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HE didn't lie to her. Her MOTHER did. He didn't know she wasn't his. Yet the mother hasn't been ignored, bad-mouthed and castigated. He acknowledges she had a difficult issue to deal with in finding out he wasn't her dad (though that would also have been devastating for him) and he tried to keep a relationship going. She told him she didn't want one with him. She chose that. She is now 26 and old enough to start thinking beyond her own pain.
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Really? Because their country of residence is mentioned?
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A lot of time has passed and she could have came back way before that wedding. Strange enough, she only came back to him for THAT. Why not earlier? He doesnt owe her anything, obviously she didnt want him before (not just not at 15). As soon as she grew to be an adult, enough time has passed, she could and should have tried to get back in contact. She didnt. What would this cost him? Always being only the second one to someone you love(d) so dearly. And you know what? Thats a pain you dont want to endure for your own sake, because I can tell you: that f*****g sucks. He'd obviously been deeply, deeply hurt, started drinking etc. THAT would be the danger he has to expect too. That it happens again. This is a matter of self protection, not him being petty.
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No, no, It's not like that. Yes, she was a child, she might have handled it poorly, it's okay, we all make mistakes and do or say thing we realy shouldn't. But she didn't regret it. She didn't apologise, she acted like she was in the right here. She didn't think what he might have felt. she obviously doesn't care. She reached out to him because it was convenient for her, not because she needed him as a person and a father.
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When this woman was twenty, she made her decision to cut him out of her life and now she has to deal with the consequences of that decision. He doesn't owe her a thing and the only reason she called is because her bio dad is dead. He is not being an asshole, he is trying to protect his heart and mind by not getting back into that relationship again. She will only hurt him again. After the wedding was over, she would probably never call him again.
Yep. She just doesn't like the idea of not having a father to walk her down the aisle. She's just using him to make her wedding 'fit' her ideal. What kind of a person does this to someone who brought them up? That they thought was their real dad until 15? Not his fault that he wasn't. She's not worth it.
Load More Replies... Even if he'd be the biological father, nobody could force him. She broke contact with him and treated him badly. Sure, getting to know "the other dad" is absolutely fine, but the rest is crap. He doesnt owe her anything, specially after that.
Getting to know her 'other dad' who caused so much pain to her family and caused her family to no longer exist (yes, yes, with the cheating wife; one issue at a time), is absolutely fine; if you're kind of amoral. I think the daughter is the kind of person that would find otherdad to be more of a kindred spirit, than 'not-narcissist dad' who was always there.
Load More Replies... i wont lie im adopted and i thought about asking my biological dad wen i got married but the reason i went with my adoptive father is bc hes the one who cared for me and loved me and raised me my whole life. i did invite both my biological parents but they both said they didnt deserve to b there i didnt fight it cuz i get it they havent been there for me and so on but they r the reason im here and they deserve to kno that someone they brought into this world is happy and healthy and has a good life. it hurt but i respected their answer. this mans daughter shouldve respected his response bc not only did he raise her and care for her throughout her whole childhood but bc its her fault things ended up this way. she shouldve realized her mistake and understood how hurt he is and respect his feelings. biological or not, there for u or not they r still ur parents and u should respect them. ive always said that unless the parent does something to lose all respect u should never disrespect ur parents. they do so much for you and deserve all the respect in the world.
That passage was enlightening. Thank you for sharing your experiences. :)
Load More Replies... Here is my thought on the matter. If she had treated you like crap when she was 15 and wanted to break off contact, then suddenly reconnect...I would say forgive her because a lot of teenagers at that age not only don't really know what they want or what's important...but how to deal with something as shocking as finding out your dad is not your dad. But she was 20 years old and had plenty of time to process what happened. Her treating you like garbage tells me she really didn't want to be part of your life. And if all she said was "I know we haven't talked in a while.." and not "I'm sorry I treated you like crap...I was wrong," then let her walk down the aisle alone. She made her bed..now she has to lay in it.
Nope. You are 100% correct. She made her decision and now she has to live it with. I would not lose any sleep over this one. Not worthy of an ounce of your time and energy.
Why does she need to be walked down the aisle? I always found that to be patriarchal bullshit. I walked down the aisle side by side with my husband, because no one was giving either one of us away. We’re not chattel.
What is worse is that traditionally, the father is giving the daughter away to the new man who will watch over and protect her. For the daughter to ask the father to walk her down the aisle and give her away, after he already lost her, just seemed extra cruel.
Load More Replies... I know some will think that parents should leap into action and burry the pain that was caused to them but she hurt him deeply. He even tried to reach out to her but she shot him down. It is not her right to have him there and he is protecting his own mental health by staying away.
Honestly this only goes untill the kid is 18 or so. After that if kiddy dear is an insufferable asshat by all means disown the little monster.
Load More Replies... If this was for any other reason I would say it was okay she wanted to pop back up, but no in this instant she has selfish intentions. If her real dad was alive she wouldn't have contacted you at all and likely never would. I don't blame you and you're definitely NTA. I like the suggestion of having her brother give her away.
Keep living your life, dad, and don't let that venomous snake back into your life. Punishing you for a mistake your wife commited? Naaaaah. Let it go.
It would be different if she had tried to make amends before she wanted him to do something for her. Why couldn't she have kept her relationship with both fathers. It wasn't his fault that she wasn't biologically his father. He did nothing wrong and got pushed out of her life. She made a decision to block him out, she can't have it both ways. You know if her bio-dad were alive, she never would have contacted him.
If she'd started getting back in touch with him (regardless of whenever biological sperm donor passed away) prior to the wedding, to re-establish a relationship, that would be one thing. It sounds like she just wants him to play a role in her "perfect day" and then what? Go away? Be part of her life? Dunno, but I'd bet it wouldn't be sunshine and roses. Biologically or not, he raised her as his daughter and she s**t on him when had had rules to follow.
I feel like the division in comments here is a pretty good indictor of who has dealt with narcissists and who hasn't. If you have ever suffered from the toxic behaviour of a family member, and the shameless gaslighting when they realise they need/want something but cannot even fake an apology to you, and then the additional abuse from other family members who label you the bad guy for not valuing their blood above your right to basic respect, then you would not be supporting this woman's treatment of her father. I really feel for this man.
This is just horrible, and that "daughter" is a little bitch, as far as I can see. He's suffered enough without bringing her toxic personality back into his life.
If he had cut her out of his life, I would say he's being an AH. But she made a decision, as an adult, to cut ties with him. Sorry sweety, you walked out the door, now it's closed. Bye.
She's only mad because she's not getting what she wants when it's convenient for her. Even if u did walk her down the aisle I bet you wouldn't hear from her afterwards anyways. So not TA.
I had a similar situation happen to me. I felt exactly the same way. You are NTA. You reap what you sow, and she doesn't like what she got.
So if he did walk her down the aisle, will she cut him out of her life again because he has completed his role? That would BREAK him, even more then before. She is selfish to want this. If she had come back into his life with a sincere apology for her behaviour and own up for her mistakes, then it may be a different story (if it was me, I'd acknowledge the apology but still would not walk her down the aisle or attend wedding)
If this is what really happened, you are right on the money with this one. She chose to pull away, with NO regard to your feelings. She knew what she was doing. She knew that she really hurt you, not just once, but over and over again. This was her choice. You are not God, and aren't supposed to feel guilty for how YOU feel. I believe that your decision still hurts you, but don't second guess yourself. I would have absolutely done the same thing!
so NTA! there was nothing wrong with her wanting to know her bio dad but she shouldn't have cut you out of her life. and, if after yrs of being away from your life by her choice she is viewing you as a stand in for appearance's sake. yes, it hurts. but you were their for the first 15 yrs and it seems she doesn't want to remember that part. move on; try to let go of the hurt. besides, if the bio dad was a human being while he was alive he would have supported you by encouraging her to keep contact. nope - definitely NTA but her mother probably is.
He did the right thing. I would bet good money that if he had walked this woman down the aisle, she'd have cut him off afterwards anyway.
She's using wanting to get to know her bio father as a reason to get off the hook on how she burned the bridge with OP. Wanting to know your bio dad as a kid and later (in your 20's!) throw a fit and cut OP out of your life are two separate things. She was an adult when she did that, and she did that after saying "you're not my father". So she cut contact and now wants him to do her a favor, probably for show more than for emotional value. I also wonder how having a substitute for her bio father just like that would have made him feel.
I agree with the "dad". None of us can afford to have toxic, selfish people in our lives. I had to cut out some people (although not family but very old "friends" because of their toxicity. It really hurt but, I moved on and now they can't keep hurting me. You are only a doormat if you lay down.
NTA. It might be a good idea for the two to start talking again, but a big-ass wedding is definitelyy not the place to do that. Someone should tell the girl that all over the world people marry without the outdated custom of the father handing over his property to the new owner (sorry, but that is were this custom comes from) and we are all doing quite ok.
A father is someone who is blood. A dad is someone who is there for you.
It sounds as if she's inherited her late biological father's trait for using people. The man who raised her was her dad and she turned her back on him for a novelty. Now she expects him to dance to her tune with a couldn't-care-less "it's all about ME" attitude. What are the odds that her husband-to-be is just like dad while she turns out to be the chip off the old block.
Every time i read these stories i wonder if we learn the whole story! The daughter sounds horrible but we only hear his side of the story so I'm not sure how things are like this in reality... I'm a child that no longer speaks with my father and whoever you ask from my environment will tell you that he claims that he is trying very hard to be in my life! Well, he is not! Didn't have a call from him for almost a decade! So I'm not sure if people tell us the whole truth in these posts
I agree. There are hints there may be a lot more to the story - who knows how everyone behaved during the divorce? He also kicked her out of the house when she wanted to stay with him - maybe it was justified if she wasn't working etc, but maybe she was depressed and needed help. There is a lot going on here but honestly, I think he should give it a shot. People change. And a wedding is something you remember or resent forever. Why not give her that perfect day and then see how she behaves later?
Load More Replies... She was 20 when she said this to him, not a15 yr old hormonal and dramatic teenager. There is a limit to how many times someone can inflict pain on someone else.
I was raised by a man that was not my biological father, did not find this out until I was in my junior year of college. My parents told me they met on a blind date but neglected to tell me my mom was 5 months pregnant at the time by a soldier that was engaged to her ( but later turned out to be married with 4 kids). My dad put his name on my birth certificate and he was all I've known my whole life up until that point. Well fast forward a few years...my mom asks me if I wanted to contact my bio father on Facebook, she found him. I told her not really because he obviously didn't care to look me up to find me over the years and my dad is great and could never be replaced. He caught me everytime I fell, he taught me how to navigate life. He's everything to me, I don't need to know that other guy. But ofcourse thats how I handled it and she could have chosen to get to know her bio dad, but turning your back on the man that raised you just seems unthinkable. He deserves a sincere apology.
If she had been 12 when she said this, I might have said yes. But she was an adult, making an adult decision. She got what she wanted. You owe her nothing.
OP is not a spare dad. She chose to go no contact for many years, her choice, but she cannot then ask OP to fill in because bio dad is no longer available. NTA.
If her biological father is still around, i doubt she will even remember her mother ex husband.
No parent should ever owe their kids anything. They gave them life and love when they could and supported them to grow up. When one gains adulthood, grow independent, and don't learn the value of love, then no parent should owe their kids anything.
The one thing I'd like to know is how wealthy her biological father was. It seems she was all to willing to drop her father like a hot potato and I can't help but think that maybe if he was wealthy she thought he could offer her the $$$$$$ and then when he died she wanted the father that raised her.
What it seems like is that bridezilla kicked in, she wants someone to walk her down the aisle to make it a perfect wedding. And likely that will be the last contact dad will have with her. NTA, not by a longshot. Yes, kids get angry, most adults do when they find out truths they didn't want to hear. That she used that as leverage against dad, well, that's just cruel. No dad, she's just using you. She can have her mother or maybe her half-brother walk her down the aisle, or choose someone else. It makes no sense to do this when she's been so rottenly cruel. So sorry for dad, who is the real dad who cared for her growing up.
NTA. She is NOT your biological daughter and made it clear you had no value to her. She ONLY wants you to walk her so she can save face. FK that. Sorry to be rude but she is a worthless karen cnt...
"sorry, I can't walk you down the aisle. I'm not your real dad so I probably shouldn't pretend that I am"
I understand all your posts, but I want to add my perspective. Sometimes people make mistakes, especially when they are young. And she maybe have burned the bridge, but now he has also burned the bridge. Maybe that after her biological father died, she realized life is short and that the man who raised her is still her dad and that this wedding would be a nice way to maybe start to have some sort or relationship again. But he shut it down right away. And yes, I know it is his right and I understand he doesn't want to get hurt again but that is sometimes what children do and now there is very little chance they will ever be on speaking terms. So its a loss for both sides, kinda sad actually :(
NTA I'm only surprised she didn't ask you to pay for her wedding. She's got some big ol' balls under that dress. She's got plenty of alternatives. Her brother, her Mom (if she's still around), sounds like her Uncles (your brothers) are on her side, let them do it. I lost my Dad when I was 15. I would have taken anyone who wanted to fill that paternal role. More Dads the better, I say.
I think it's up to him how to feel and act. Me........I wouldn't walk her down the aisle. It would take work on her part for me to just forgive her.
I think the father is doing the right thing and that the daughter needs to reflect and GROW UP. She left her step dad and didn't want any part of him. She's caught up in an "ideal wedding". Which is not that important. What's important is family and loving the man she's marrying. Not the fairytale wedding people presume.
And her calling him up to ask him to do something for her, after years of not being in contact with him, essentially after she dumped him as her dad, is a huge red flag that she is a selfish person, and that after she has gotten whatever she thinks she can get from him, she will walk away, and break his heart again! Teh reason she walked away from him the first time was because she couldn't have her way in his house. This is just another aspect of getting her way about something.
You gotta learn to forgive. Not forgiving someone leaves you carrying the burden. And it's too obvious you are carrying the burden. Agree. But set rules that make sense for any contact between the two of you. And the two of you must decide how the relationship can be carried forward so it isn't toxic to either of you. If that proves impossible, then it's okay to wish her well, but to decline the opportunity to be a part of her wedding or her life.
The daughter could have got to know her biological father WITHOUT turning her back on the man who thought he was her father. This should not have been an either/or situation. it should have been a "BOTH" situation.
she loved him as her father for 15 years and whenn she finds out he is not her biologycal father she suddenly stops loving him?! i feel like there should be some mental issues about the fact she was not what she thought she was, right at the age whenn she should be reforging her personality. she clearly couldnt process the whole situation, proved by her failing college and not doing anything for months. it is a sing a lot of times that people has unsolved issues. it seems to me that she needed help and nobody was around to help her or even realize there is an issue. she processed it as she could, alone. she might be an asshole now, but dont forget that she is one of the victims of this situation. thinking about it like this, the wedding would be a good starting point to get back into her life and give her the help the father (among everybody else) failed to provide. looking on it like that it seems to me that all of them are assholes.
I hate these stories, they should remain in Reddit! The daughter inherited the worst traits from her biological parents and is a toxic bitch. The living father should remain steadfast and have nothing to do with her; she displayed selfish, inexcusable behavior for YEARS without giving a care about his feelings. As for the groom, RUN away guy, runaway!
"Stop pretending". Omg I can't even imagine how bad that must've hurt, probably one of the most crushing relationship related things one could ever hear. I can't fcking believe her! "A real dad" my ass. You don't become a parent by simply inseminating/giving birth. You become a parent by being one. Parenthood isn't in the genes, it's in actions. A real dad isn't the man you share your genes with, it's the one who loved, protected and raised you, biological or not.
I mean... The whole concept of walking the daughter down the aisle really is just presenting and "transferring" a possession from father to her husband to be. It comes from a time were women were seen less worthy and more of a possession. Why not walking down the aisle as couple? Starting the new path ahead together?
as someone who got married during covid (had a ceremony of 4 people. My husband, myself, the minister and a witness) ... but we had to change the plans from a very small wedding to a non existent wedding basically... so obviously my dad 6 states away couldn't be there but we were planning on having a ceremony and a "redo" lol once Covid was over so my dad could walk me down the aisle... unfortunately my dad passed away last September before he got the chance to .... it sucks so bad and I wish I I had a step father who could be there for me... my step father also passed away 4 years ago and I knew him almost my whole life. So to see her take for granted someone who loves her and for her to be so rude and then act the way she did later is just upsetting on a personal level... I'm not saying that ppl need to embrace whoever's in your life just because other people may not have that person in theirs... but you should be grateful that you have ppl who love you that CAN be there for you.
He has refused to go to the wedding I have read. The OP, his father, has told him that he's fine with his son being in contact with her and isn't getting in the way of their relationship at all. They are in touch but I think this latest behaviour from the daughter has pushed people further to taking different sides.
Load More Replies... Well, at least she wasn't contacting him to pay for the wedding. I was expecting, "will you walk me down the aisle" to be the bait for trying to get him to pay for the wedding.
She made her choice...now she she has to live with the actions. The first woman I kissed told me afterwards that she had a bf and just wanted to be someone's "first". I continued being her friend. Every now and then she'd suggest we catch up over dinner...and like clockwork she always conveniently forgot her purse to pay. We remained friends through the years and gradually lost touch. Then only day she messaged me out of the blue saying she missed me dearly . So I flew out to see her, spent the night, and became intimate. Upon which she said "I love you." I said "I love you too." The moment I left her apartment, blocked her number and she never heard from me again. The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my favorite childhood novels...
He admits to doing a lot of drinking after she cut him off. I wonder if it started before then. Without knowing more about their relationship before he split up with the mother, it's hard to say if he contributed to the bad blood.
" parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally" - F*CK OFF. Love is a precious gift that has to be appreciated.
My question is: who raised her? You and your wife, isn't it? Something has gone wrong.
She doesn’t want him, she wants some guy to walk her down the aisle as part of her pretense of a perfect wedding. She’s just another bridezilla . If she truly wanted him back in her life, instead of a demand that he do something for her, she would’ve started with an apology of having treated him like s**t for so many years after he’d raised her for 15 years. She’s learned an important lesson: Unconditional love is mostly a fairytale we tell ourselves. If you consistently treat people like crap without sincere apology they will eventually turn away
Parent is the person who raises you well, the person who behaves as a parent, who feeds you, protect you and enables you to go to school and to have everything you need. It doesn't matter if they are biological parent. he was a good dad, and it wasn't his fault his wife was with another man and didn't even bother to tell him or the child. It's horrible thing for him to happen. The daughter was a child when she decided to leave him though, but it still doesn't feel right.
Honestly it sounds like a whole lot of deeply hurt feelings on all sides. Both could probably benefit from talking to a therapist and each other. Complaining to other family members and the entire internet about each other isn't going to make anyone feel better.
Yta. She’s your daughter. You raised her until she was 15. she treated you just as bad and as cruel as some children treat their parents. Here’s the kicker: it hurts but it’s more or less normal. She wanted to find out. You drank. You put her up against either or decisions. You gave her an ultimatum. These are divisive actions. You could have been more self assured. You blame too much and look too little at yourself. She reached out and you decided to be too hurt and still hold a grudge. It’s your right. But it makes yta. And it throws a light on your reporting of the events.
I see youre being downvoted, but I think you're right. I can not imagine that someone being raised in a loving, caring family then learning at 15 that the man who raised them is not their biological dad, deciding that the 'sperm donor' all of a sudden is their dad. Seems like something is off.
Load More Replies... She waited until she had a use for him though. If she'd contacted him for no other reason bar 'I'm sorry, let's reconnect and try again' then okay. In many countries the age where children are held criminally responsible is 10. Some are a bit older. There is a reason for that. They generally DO know. Yes, brains are still developing and people aren't experienced but it doesn't take a genius level IQ to realise that what you've done would have hurt someone. She was 20 - that's not a child. People make many life choices at that age - study/career/family. Early last century 14 year olds went out to work and contributed to the household. His younger son seemed to get it! She could have got to know her biological father without outright rejecting him.
Load More Replies... Go and read more of what he has to say on Reddit. She kept slagging him off to other family members and at 26 she is too old for adolescent rebellions. He walked away under great provocation and STILL wished her well with her wedding and marriage. He has done this to protect himself after suffering with poor mental health. His son has watched all this going on and stood by him and he never asked his son to pick a side. This man's brother has apologised for taking the 'wrong' side. He really is NTA.
Load More Replies... Not everyone is particularly bothered about grandchildren. Besides, they aren't related to him, are they? He had to protect himself and so he probably feels quite differently about her now - people can permanently damage the love another has for them.
Load More Replies... Yeah - but she found out at 15 and rejected him at 20. She's now 26. She's had over 10 years to deal with this and it's not his fault. Why reject him when her mother is the one who mislead them all?
Load More Replies... You believe she will change her ways after the wedding? Like magically want him in her life again? Please....She wants her day to be perfect, and doesn't care about his feelings. Didn't care for those 10-11 years and won't care later. The only thing he'll regret is being a fool and falling for that trap again. That's it.
Load More Replies... He also has said this: "I never gave up on her. For years I reached out and she’s the one who said I am not her real father and to leave her alone. That’s how she told me and I decided that’s fine then. I'll tell you a variation of something my therapist told me once: Unconditional love does not require unconditional tolerance of treatment. You can love someone and not accept how they treat you. You can love someone and recognize that their behaviour is not good for your life and distance yourself from them. 'I'm not going to be your dad if you don't want me to be your dad' isn't putting a condition on your love, it's respecting a boundary. That she put in place. Goodness knows there are enough posts on this thread of non-biological parents trying to force their love on kids who've made it clear they don't want it." That's the end of the quote from him - he's not done this lightly at all.
Load More Replies... This is literally the exact opposite of what happened. He tried to stay in her life and she only cared about blood. And now she is gaslighting him, saying that she never ever did anything wrong ever, and that parents are supposed to love unconditionally, even though *she* is the one who said he wasn't her parent. (Assuming his version is true, of course.) The fact that she did not apologise for any of her behaviour or for causing him so much pain is a pretty huge red flag that she has no shame and no respect.
Load More Replies... She's not come to him for forgiveness, most likely she wants a father figure to walk her down the aisle. Smacks of selfishness. Also, why in truth should he care about babies that won't be related to him? I know that's not the full measure of why people care but there has to be some connection and in this instance what would that be? The offspring of a woman who rejected him?
Load More Replies... Then why did she choose to live with him when she was 20? Why did she want him to walk her down the aisle 6 years later? I mean, the man treated her like sh!t and she'd finally got him out of her life...
Load More Replies... HE didn't lie to her. Her MOTHER did. He didn't know she wasn't his. Yet the mother hasn't been ignored, bad-mouthed and castigated. He acknowledges she had a difficult issue to deal with in finding out he wasn't her dad (though that would also have been devastating for him) and he tried to keep a relationship going. She told him she didn't want one with him. She chose that. She is now 26 and old enough to start thinking beyond her own pain.
Load More Replies... Really? Because their country of residence is mentioned?
Load More Replies... A lot of time has passed and she could have came back way before that wedding. Strange enough, she only came back to him for THAT. Why not earlier? He doesnt owe her anything, obviously she didnt want him before (not just not at 15). As soon as she grew to be an adult, enough time has passed, she could and should have tried to get back in contact. She didnt. What would this cost him? Always being only the second one to someone you love(d) so dearly. And you know what? Thats a pain you dont want to endure for your own sake, because I can tell you: that f*****g sucks. He'd obviously been deeply, deeply hurt, started drinking etc. THAT would be the danger he has to expect too. That it happens again. This is a matter of self protection, not him being petty.
Load More Replies... No, no, It's not like that. Yes, she was a child, she might have handled it poorly, it's okay, we all make mistakes and do or say thing we realy shouldn't. But she didn't regret it. She didn't apologise, she acted like she was in the right here. She didn't think what he might have felt. she obviously doesn't care. She reached out to him because it was convenient for her, not because she needed him as a person and a father.
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