20 Y.O. Girlfriend Wants To Postpone Moving In With Her Boyfriend After Finding Out He’s Completely Clueless When It Comes To Basic Chores
Moving in together is one of the most exciting and committing steps in a relationship. As great as it is, it can also bring some stress. No matter how hard couples believe that they are great for each other and already know so much about one another, living together might change these beliefs. So it’s great when people take time to prepare for this step and notice what could go wrong in the beginning. At least that’s what happened to Reddit user @napsandhugs who wanted to know whether she was wrong for refusing to teach her boyfriend how to do some of the basic household chores.
More Info: Reddit
Moving in together with your partner is one of the most exciting yet committing steps in a relationship
Image credits: Alper Çuğun (not the actual photo)
The 20-year-old woman started her story by sharing that she and her 24-year-old boyfriend were thinking about moving in together. The narrator also revealed that she was living in her own apartment while her boyfriend still lived at home. Their plan was to find an apartment where they could live together.
A Reddit user asked people online if she was right for refusing to start living with her boyfriend after she found out that he doesn’t know how to do basic chores around the house
Image credits: napsandhugs
After finding out that his mom does everything for him, the woman suggested that he should learn some of those things before they move in together
Image credits: napsandhugs
Once in one of their conversations, the woman found out that her boyfriend doesn’t do his own laundry. She then asked him if he knows how to do any of the basic things that need to be done around the house: cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, etc. The man admitted that he didn’t do any of those things, and he also never had to budget his money. This is when the author of the post started debating whether they should really move in together.
Image credits: napsandhugs
Her solution was that he should first learn how to basically take care of himself, so that she won’t end up doing everything by herself once they move in together. The guy was thinking that the best way would be for her to teach him everything.
The boyfriend seemed to be against the idea that he should learn everything by himself or ask help from his mom
Image credits: napsandhugs
This is when the couple’s opinions shifted in opposite directions. The woman is now afraid that she would have to take on a mother/teacher role and wants him to learn these things by himself, by asking his mom or finding other helpful methods. She agrees that once he’s ready to be responsible for some of these things, they would be able to move in together.
This idea wasn’t appreciated by the boyfriend who said that it’s crazy to postpone the move and that they can figure out this problem once they start living together. This put the girlfriend into a tough position where she wants her boyfriend to learn these things by himself, as she doesn’t want to become a person who goes after him doing everything in the apartment alone. She also admitted that she feels bad because she refused to teach him everything herself.
Image credits: napsandhugs
The woman asked people online what they think about this situation as she got lost between what she thinks is right and what her boyfriend suggests
Image credits: napsandhugs
The situation that received more than 15k upvotes started a debate among other online users who were sharing their opinions and experiences. A lot of them agreed that the woman is right in this situation and that if ignored, this problem can lead to bigger issues. Some of the users revealed that they found themselves in a similar situation and that it didn’t help that they refused to talk about this at a certain point, because later in life it led to being used.
What is your opinion on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
Member of the online community agreed with the girlfriend saying that the boyfriend should learn these things before they live together
Some people shared their own experience of being “trapped” by partners who wouldn’t help around the house
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NTA. It's not your job to raise him and turn him into a fully functioning adult, that was the job of his parents, which his mother has failed miserably. Don't move in with him, you'll be relegated to becoming Mom Mark 2. He'll make vain efforts to be self-sufficient, then he will give up and expect you do it all for him. If he wanted to be self-sufficient he would have made himself learn adulting basics years ago. Tell him to become an adult first, then you'll consider moving in with him. You already made yourself a self-sufficient adult and you're too busy to do his or his mother's job for him. Stick to your guns on this, you didn't birth him, not your job to raise him.
This is why parents have to teach all their children adult life skills, and by "all" I mean girls and boys. Because if you don't teach your boy to cook and do laundry, he'll either drive good wife prospects away by expecting them to be his domestic slavey, or he'll marry the first person who's willing to be his housekeeper, and spend the rest of the marriage wondering what real love is like.
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Wish I had done that before I moved in with my ex. I was 19 and he was 20 when we moved out. His mother was a military wife and did everything for him.. I ended up taking over that role for the 24 years we were together, despite also working with a chronic illness. After we divorced I married a man who was a bachelor for awhile after his marriage ended. He knows how to cook, clean and take care of himself and me. Now I'm disabled and a caregiver for my elderly Mom who has dementia. I try to do the cooking and cleaning but when I can't because of my health or Mom's, he steps in and takes care of everything.
Personally, I cannot be a man's mommy and still want to have sex with him. Those two things are incompatible in my brain. If he doesn't want to ask his mom, there's always Google and YouTube. It's just cleaning. This is stuff I've been doing since my age was in single digits. It's not hard. He needs to jump in and just try.
Exactly right. I started working for a dry cleaner, and though it wasn't my job, I learned the proper way to iron a shirt, and press a pair of pants. Also the best ways to remove ANY stain. I learned it all on YouTube. I helped so many customers. They called me a miracle worker.
Load More Replies... He should be angry at his parents, not his girlfriend. At some point they should have prepared him to leave the nest and fly, not to just hop from nest to nest.
Some people want to keep their baby in the nest, and making sure they don't learn adult skills is a great way to keep them dependent. It's possible there's an element of that here, but the OP is right. This guy is probably expect to transfer his dependence from his mother to his girlfriend.
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I hate when parents (and i mean both parents it's not only mum's job) don't teach their kids basic skills!! How is your kid going to survive when you are gone?
They don't want the kid to grow up. Thats the point
Load More Replies... A few people have commented that it would be quick to teach him how to do this stuff. But I cannot imagine he will not only quickly learn, but will also take on the initiative to do things because he notices they need to be done. Seems incredibly likely that gf will still be responsible for everything - either actually doing it all, or noticing/keeping track of everything that needs to be done and assigning him tasks, just like a parent assigning chores. That mental work is also a chore, an invisible chore that can only be learned by someone who is motivated to do so and takes it upon themselves.
Betcha he doesnt want to actually do the gruntwork, he just wants to feel like an adult! Which means he'll do a little and expect a lot of praise, before leaving all the rest of the work for the nearest female.
Load More Replies... You shouldn't be scared to become the teacher/mother role - you should downright refuse to become this. You're NOT his teacher, you're his partner. The mere fact that he refuses to put an effort in learning anything beforehand and 'wants to figure it out' after moving in is a direct reflection of how he's not going to do just that at any point in time. Beware, you're a Chef Household in the making. I've been there because I was told the same thing before moving in, and guess what? Being your partner's mom is NOT good for your relationship.
Right, he is like a baby bird- very fragile and needs to be cared for )))))))))))
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When I first moved in with my now husband he thought he knew how to clean. His mom had abandoned him at a young age, his brother didn't know how to clean either. His grandmother supported them financially but she lived in a different state. He could vacuum but he always overloaded the washer and the dishwasher was a mess. I had to reteach him how to do things to properly so they got clean. While I understand her being apprehensive, sometimes it's worth helping people learn. It wasn't my husband's fault he didn't know how and it's not this guy's fault either. He needs to take the initiative in wanting to learn though.
That is different. Your husband tried to learn on his own. This manchild lived 24y having a full time maid/mum and never tried to learn
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It's a tricky situation for both of them. Yes, she has all the right to refuse the "teacher's" role and he has to be "an adult" and accept it and deal with this himself. However, I am curious to know how it came to be this way. I assume his parents never made him do the chores. I wonder why (traditional set-up/parents not being bothered to teach him anything/perhaps the boyfriend outright refused to learn?). Also I am very curious to know why he doesn't want to learn from his mom. Is there some kind of barrier/problems between them two? I know quite a few guys and girls that learnt to look after themselves once they moved out and lived on their own for a while. Anyways, knowing more details would greatly help to form a solid opinion. At the moment it just seems like the boyfriend is simply a mommy's boy.
I think his mother doesn't want his doing these chores at home. As I said above, my sister is the same way with her children. She does not assign them any chores at all.
Load More Replies... The dude probably assumed that his GF would take care of all of that for him, just as his mom does it all at home.... so why bother learning how to do "girl stuff"? One of the most useful classes I took in high school was home economics. Everyone regardless of gender had to do through the full shop+Home Ec rotation. Which included metal shop, wood shop, power mechanics, cooking, sewing and household budgeting. I still use many of those skills today.
She does risk becoming his housekeeper. On the other hand, keep separate finances (always a good idea), and it only takes a few minutes to explain vacuum cleaning and laundry. At that, a Roomba is a comparatively cheap luxury.
She doesn't want to explain it to him -and there is a big difference between having been taught something and actually being in the habit of doing it. Plus, his attitude sucks. If he's this way about cleaning he'll be this way about other things too.
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why dont you stay at her appartment trying to figure it out without looking for a new appartment. if it works you can move together. if not he can go back to mummy and you still keep the flat
THIS is exactly how i feel about this guy(33) I (27) am currently dating; He doesn't know how to properly clean, cook or do any kind of chores. He is super kind and likes to eat out, but only because he is lazy and doesn't want to cook nor clean the dirty kitchen / dishes. I prefer to be frugal, to cook something healthy AND cheap, to save money for the future. I really like him a lot tho! But i am scared to think about having a future with him, simply because i can't imagine him changing after we'd move in together. His parents failed to teach him some important basic life skills and it's NOT my job to mentor him. He brings his laundry home every week. I feel ashamed to even think his mummy cleaned the bedsheets, where we slept and had sex together. His apartment is messy, smells and looks dirty. He has a cleaning lady, but she comes over only once every week for about an hour. He feels like it's enough to pay someone a few bucks for an hour. to clean an apartment...What should i do?
Zet - oh my! Why does he still bring his laundry home if he lives in an apt? I'd be very, very leary of this guy because he's 33.... not in his 20's like the OP's boyfriend. If he's messy, it will be difficult for you to break him of that.
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NTA at all. You are not his new mommy and it's not your job to teach him domestic chores and basic budgeting. Aren't some community colleges offering adulting classes that teach some of this? You haven't mentioned if he is even paying rent to his mom! If not, then he needs to go get his own place first so he can experience all the expenses of it. If he doesn't learn the basics first, you will just end up being a replacement for his mom that also provides intimate benefits.
Ladies please follow her lead. I've read too many similar cases to this one, where a partner is miserable because their boyfriend/husband refuses to do anything. It's 2021 now. Women are working 1+ jobs full time. They don't have the time to play the role of 1950s house wife. I can't believe that someone even has the audacity to say "YTA." Don't know how to do something? Look up a tutorial. Sure, ask for help from a partner, but just to learn how to do it, not to keep making them do it all the time for you. They aren't your slave. It's your responsibility to be independent.
I can’t think of any more unattractive characteristics than not being able to ‘adult’ when you are an adult. Good on her for refusing to move in together before boyfriend knows basic house keeping.
so...that's a hard one. but, not the a hole. yes, mommy should have taught him how to do this. and, yes, it is not her job to take on that responsibility. but, on the other side, if she would guide him she would teach him how she liked or thought things should be done, possibly avoiding mishaps in the future. my ex, after we married and had lived together for awhile (i refused to live with him before marriage because - why? had done that before and still was a mess of a relationship so, in my opinion, living together is not the way to figure out if marriage will work...but i digress...) anyway, he mentioned to my dad that i 'didn't fold the towels like his mom did. dad's response: what the hell difference does it make? the towels get folded. if you want them done differently - do it yourself... gotta love dad.
There is nothing more unattractive then a grown adult who cannot take care of themselves. He can't feed or cloth himself, he is an child. These are basic life skills. He can google it and watch some Youtube videos. How embarrassing. Why would you live your life so dependent on others for basic needs? I would dump him.
If I was OP I'd just dump him on the spot. 24 years old and no basic life skills is utterly pathetic. The fact he just wants to "figure it out" once he moves in is complete bs. He has no intentions of learning anything. Living with that guy would be pure hell, you'll just end up being his mom.
I really liked the comment that he get his own place for awhile first, learn these things. Or maybe they get their place together and he live there by himself for a few months first, learning how to clean and do laundry at least, before she moves in.
I think OP is missing a trick here. (opportunity.) Yes, make his mum teach him the basics, but everything else, teach him your way of doing things and he should always do them the way you want them done.
You will end up being his maid. Tell him to get his own apt and learn that way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to learn how to cook, clean, manage money, go to the grocery store. She should not have to be mom/maid to him. I raised both my son and daughter how to take care of themselves. I was a single mom, and we did it as a team. I wish her luck. Follow your instincts about your BF. Don't box yourself into a corner.
Girl, run. If he didn't take care of chores until now he will make your life a living hell when you ask him to do them.
Uhm, it takes about 15 minutes to show someone how to vacuum, do laundry, do the dishes, switch a lightbulb, wash the windows, iron a shirt, or to do any similar household chores. It doesn't take a masters degree to figure these out. So I'm guessing the real worry she has here is that is he going to participate whether he "knew" how to do these things or not since he never had to before. And this is understandable. But not being straight forward about it kinda yeah makes her, if not an a*****e, not confronting the real issue honestly ...
20 is so young... enjoy living alone. The costs socks but nothing else does
Dont let him move in. He needs to live on his own and learn. I always go out with a man that has had a long term or married and divorced. Because after they have divorced and they are forced to learn life skills.
It has ALWAYS been my experience that a man cleans around the house when he wants to, the rest of the time it will be your job, on top of your outside-the-home job. And I've seen too many men be with the kids when they are clean and ready, not helping when they are sick or tired, and not helping you. Have the guy live by himself for 6 months and see how he does. You are not responsible for his domestic education and schedule.
I have got a similar situation here, in a way. I am 25, he's 26, his parents did everything for him but then he lived for 2 years on his own before we moved together. I learnt the hard way that he doesn't know to do basic chores after we moved in but I am the type that doesn't mind teaching somebody these things, especially somebody I care about (though I know it's not for everyone). I still do the chores and I don't mind that for the most part - I am a perfectionist with OCD and if something's not done perfectly, I need to redo it my way. Chores also help me meditate in a way, to make the flat tidy makes my mind tidy. But I immensely appreciate when he does the basic level he now knows when I am sick or swamped with school or other responsibilities. Yes, there has been many fights over this matter but we're still happy together and he's a huge emotional and mental support to me, especially now when I am locked out of Japan and attending classes online from midnight till dawn.
His mum should be ashamed that she has raised a child who is totally unprepared for being an adult. Just out of curiosity, what would he have done if his mum had been killed and he suddenly had to live on his own?
As a good friend often said, don't feel sorry for a grown ass man. Cleaning, laundry, keeping your checking account balanced - all of those things are not that hard. If by age 24 you cannot figure out how to do those things on your own, we always have magic YouTube where you can find instructions to do anything. OK, cooking may be a bit different, but even that can be accomplished with a little practice. If she agrees to move in with this clueless guy, the chores will automatically "belong" to her and he will need training to assist her - and that is just wrong. They share an apartment, they should share the work. I know I wouldn't want to be a substitute mom for the man I love, I have made that mistake before and I know how uncomfortable that is. She is absolutely right for putting her foot down and insisting that he come into a shared living arrangement able to contribute an equal amount to that arrangement. If he really wants to live with her, he should gladly make the effort.
I get completely where she is coming from. My brother-in-law still brings his dirty laundry to his mom to be washed. He is nearly 50. Fortunately my husband moved away quite young and had to learn how to take care of stuff. I couldnt handle to have such a useless partner at my side
This was my ex husband, his Dad did everything for him, he wouldn't even brush his teeth unless I told him to, had never even filed his own taxes
If he was 17 it would be understandable, but he's 24! If he had any interest in adulting he would've learned this stuff already. The inability to clean or do laundry is bad enough, but the lack of financial literacy would be a dealbreaker for me. Money problems are one of the top predictors for divorce. You can't build a stable future with someone who has no idea how to manage money, and sharing a lease & living expenses with him while he "figures it out" could jeopardize YOUR stability. Girl, run!
He apparently knows something if he could get her to be with him and do everything for him. She may know how to do almost everything but to get rid of that useless man. Having said that, if they are together and they are happy the way things are, well, then good for them, end of the discussion.
You are definitely NOT THE ASSHOLE, it would be like having a spoilt overgrown baby living with you that cannot even iron a shirt for himself. Is he an only child were the mum had him on a pedestal? All children learn basic chores growing up , from making their own beds to being able to at least make themselves a snack. This guy is just wanting to continue having a live in butler, maid, care giver and all round skivvy. RUN my child RUN.
Run for the hills, girl. 24 year old man-child who's mommy does everything for him? Oh hell no.
Teaching your children to be able to take care of themselves is the most important thing you do as a parent, I'm 58 married one of these but always had to work so as soon as the kids were old enough to do laundry, they did. Cooking was the hardest for my youngest but he is doing great on his own and figuring it out. Who at 24 doesn't have 2 working parents?
This was the responsibility of his parents. As parents it's our job to teach our children how to make their beds, do dishes, make a simple meal, laundry etc even when your kiddo is a toddler you should teach them to help with cleanup time.. She should not have to teach him all of these things.
I think that moving in together is a decision for adults to make and one of the definitions of an adult is that they know how to take care of themselves. Adults should be able to cook and shop and clean and pay bills and make responsible decisions. (Exceptions for those struggling with mental health issues, which is NOT this guy). So until he's an adult, she should not move in with him.
A lot of these moms do everything for their boys because that’s the only thing they have to offer. They justify their existence by hanging on to them for dear life. This is a scary situation because I can guarantee you his mom is not ok with him doing chores. She will meddle in your business constantly and will always take his side while talking in his ear. This happens a lot. It seems like you have your priorities straight and he doesn’t. It’s better if you find someone who wants the same things as you. Just remember that people don’t change much - especially adults.
I would say, if you really love him, it shouldnt matter, its not hard to learn to make simple food and do cleaning. But, shes been dating for awhile, ready to move in, and shes just find this out now? Maybe she should really get to know him. Her suspicion is probably right, he probably wants to be babied.
You know how to do something, he does not. Yes, it's something he should have learnt how to do already, but for whatever reason he didn't. If he's willing to learn then why not help him, and teach him, you should help each other grow and I'm sure there are many, many relationships where one person teaches the other how to do something they consider "obvious" or "basic".
Because a woman trying to teach a man something he considers to be "woman's work" frequently leads to relationship problems, that's why.
Load More Replies... A woman has second thoughts about moving in with her boyfriend. Happens a thousand times a day. Only Reddit can turn it into a crime against humanity.
NTA. It's not your job to raise him and turn him into a fully functioning adult, that was the job of his parents, which his mother has failed miserably. Don't move in with him, you'll be relegated to becoming Mom Mark 2. He'll make vain efforts to be self-sufficient, then he will give up and expect you do it all for him. If he wanted to be self-sufficient he would have made himself learn adulting basics years ago. Tell him to become an adult first, then you'll consider moving in with him. You already made yourself a self-sufficient adult and you're too busy to do his or his mother's job for him. Stick to your guns on this, you didn't birth him, not your job to raise him.
This is why parents have to teach all their children adult life skills, and by "all" I mean girls and boys. Because if you don't teach your boy to cook and do laundry, he'll either drive good wife prospects away by expecting them to be his domestic slavey, or he'll marry the first person who's willing to be his housekeeper, and spend the rest of the marriage wondering what real love is like.
Load More Replies... Wish I had done that before I moved in with my ex. I was 19 and he was 20 when we moved out. His mother was a military wife and did everything for him.. I ended up taking over that role for the 24 years we were together, despite also working with a chronic illness. After we divorced I married a man who was a bachelor for awhile after his marriage ended. He knows how to cook, clean and take care of himself and me. Now I'm disabled and a caregiver for my elderly Mom who has dementia. I try to do the cooking and cleaning but when I can't because of my health or Mom's, he steps in and takes care of everything.
Personally, I cannot be a man's mommy and still want to have sex with him. Those two things are incompatible in my brain. If he doesn't want to ask his mom, there's always Google and YouTube. It's just cleaning. This is stuff I've been doing since my age was in single digits. It's not hard. He needs to jump in and just try.
Exactly right. I started working for a dry cleaner, and though it wasn't my job, I learned the proper way to iron a shirt, and press a pair of pants. Also the best ways to remove ANY stain. I learned it all on YouTube. I helped so many customers. They called me a miracle worker.
Load More Replies... He should be angry at his parents, not his girlfriend. At some point they should have prepared him to leave the nest and fly, not to just hop from nest to nest.
Some people want to keep their baby in the nest, and making sure they don't learn adult skills is a great way to keep them dependent. It's possible there's an element of that here, but the OP is right. This guy is probably expect to transfer his dependence from his mother to his girlfriend.
Load More Replies... I hate when parents (and i mean both parents it's not only mum's job) don't teach their kids basic skills!! How is your kid going to survive when you are gone?
They don't want the kid to grow up. Thats the point
Load More Replies... A few people have commented that it would be quick to teach him how to do this stuff. But I cannot imagine he will not only quickly learn, but will also take on the initiative to do things because he notices they need to be done. Seems incredibly likely that gf will still be responsible for everything - either actually doing it all, or noticing/keeping track of everything that needs to be done and assigning him tasks, just like a parent assigning chores. That mental work is also a chore, an invisible chore that can only be learned by someone who is motivated to do so and takes it upon themselves.
Betcha he doesnt want to actually do the gruntwork, he just wants to feel like an adult! Which means he'll do a little and expect a lot of praise, before leaving all the rest of the work for the nearest female.
Load More Replies... You shouldn't be scared to become the teacher/mother role - you should downright refuse to become this. You're NOT his teacher, you're his partner. The mere fact that he refuses to put an effort in learning anything beforehand and 'wants to figure it out' after moving in is a direct reflection of how he's not going to do just that at any point in time. Beware, you're a Chef Household in the making. I've been there because I was told the same thing before moving in, and guess what? Being your partner's mom is NOT good for your relationship.
Right, he is like a baby bird- very fragile and needs to be cared for )))))))))))
Load More Replies... When I first moved in with my now husband he thought he knew how to clean. His mom had abandoned him at a young age, his brother didn't know how to clean either. His grandmother supported them financially but she lived in a different state. He could vacuum but he always overloaded the washer and the dishwasher was a mess. I had to reteach him how to do things to properly so they got clean. While I understand her being apprehensive, sometimes it's worth helping people learn. It wasn't my husband's fault he didn't know how and it's not this guy's fault either. He needs to take the initiative in wanting to learn though.
That is different. Your husband tried to learn on his own. This manchild lived 24y having a full time maid/mum and never tried to learn
Load More Replies... It's a tricky situation for both of them. Yes, she has all the right to refuse the "teacher's" role and he has to be "an adult" and accept it and deal with this himself. However, I am curious to know how it came to be this way. I assume his parents never made him do the chores. I wonder why (traditional set-up/parents not being bothered to teach him anything/perhaps the boyfriend outright refused to learn?). Also I am very curious to know why he doesn't want to learn from his mom. Is there some kind of barrier/problems between them two? I know quite a few guys and girls that learnt to look after themselves once they moved out and lived on their own for a while. Anyways, knowing more details would greatly help to form a solid opinion. At the moment it just seems like the boyfriend is simply a mommy's boy.
I think his mother doesn't want his doing these chores at home. As I said above, my sister is the same way with her children. She does not assign them any chores at all.
Load More Replies... The dude probably assumed that his GF would take care of all of that for him, just as his mom does it all at home.... so why bother learning how to do "girl stuff"? One of the most useful classes I took in high school was home economics. Everyone regardless of gender had to do through the full shop+Home Ec rotation. Which included metal shop, wood shop, power mechanics, cooking, sewing and household budgeting. I still use many of those skills today.
She does risk becoming his housekeeper. On the other hand, keep separate finances (always a good idea), and it only takes a few minutes to explain vacuum cleaning and laundry. At that, a Roomba is a comparatively cheap luxury.
She doesn't want to explain it to him -and there is a big difference between having been taught something and actually being in the habit of doing it. Plus, his attitude sucks. If he's this way about cleaning he'll be this way about other things too.
Load More Replies... why dont you stay at her appartment trying to figure it out without looking for a new appartment. if it works you can move together. if not he can go back to mummy and you still keep the flat
THIS is exactly how i feel about this guy(33) I (27) am currently dating; He doesn't know how to properly clean, cook or do any kind of chores. He is super kind and likes to eat out, but only because he is lazy and doesn't want to cook nor clean the dirty kitchen / dishes. I prefer to be frugal, to cook something healthy AND cheap, to save money for the future. I really like him a lot tho! But i am scared to think about having a future with him, simply because i can't imagine him changing after we'd move in together. His parents failed to teach him some important basic life skills and it's NOT my job to mentor him. He brings his laundry home every week. I feel ashamed to even think his mummy cleaned the bedsheets, where we slept and had sex together. His apartment is messy, smells and looks dirty. He has a cleaning lady, but she comes over only once every week for about an hour. He feels like it's enough to pay someone a few bucks for an hour. to clean an apartment...What should i do?
Zet - oh my! Why does he still bring his laundry home if he lives in an apt? I'd be very, very leary of this guy because he's 33.... not in his 20's like the OP's boyfriend. If he's messy, it will be difficult for you to break him of that.
Load More Replies... NTA at all. You are not his new mommy and it's not your job to teach him domestic chores and basic budgeting. Aren't some community colleges offering adulting classes that teach some of this? You haven't mentioned if he is even paying rent to his mom! If not, then he needs to go get his own place first so he can experience all the expenses of it. If he doesn't learn the basics first, you will just end up being a replacement for his mom that also provides intimate benefits.
Ladies please follow her lead. I've read too many similar cases to this one, where a partner is miserable because their boyfriend/husband refuses to do anything. It's 2021 now. Women are working 1+ jobs full time. They don't have the time to play the role of 1950s house wife. I can't believe that someone even has the audacity to say "YTA." Don't know how to do something? Look up a tutorial. Sure, ask for help from a partner, but just to learn how to do it, not to keep making them do it all the time for you. They aren't your slave. It's your responsibility to be independent.
I can’t think of any more unattractive characteristics than not being able to ‘adult’ when you are an adult. Good on her for refusing to move in together before boyfriend knows basic house keeping.
so...that's a hard one. but, not the a hole. yes, mommy should have taught him how to do this. and, yes, it is not her job to take on that responsibility. but, on the other side, if she would guide him she would teach him how she liked or thought things should be done, possibly avoiding mishaps in the future. my ex, after we married and had lived together for awhile (i refused to live with him before marriage because - why? had done that before and still was a mess of a relationship so, in my opinion, living together is not the way to figure out if marriage will work...but i digress...) anyway, he mentioned to my dad that i 'didn't fold the towels like his mom did. dad's response: what the hell difference does it make? the towels get folded. if you want them done differently - do it yourself... gotta love dad.
There is nothing more unattractive then a grown adult who cannot take care of themselves. He can't feed or cloth himself, he is an child. These are basic life skills. He can google it and watch some Youtube videos. How embarrassing. Why would you live your life so dependent on others for basic needs? I would dump him.
If I was OP I'd just dump him on the spot. 24 years old and no basic life skills is utterly pathetic. The fact he just wants to "figure it out" once he moves in is complete bs. He has no intentions of learning anything. Living with that guy would be pure hell, you'll just end up being his mom.
I really liked the comment that he get his own place for awhile first, learn these things. Or maybe they get their place together and he live there by himself for a few months first, learning how to clean and do laundry at least, before she moves in.
I think OP is missing a trick here. (opportunity.) Yes, make his mum teach him the basics, but everything else, teach him your way of doing things and he should always do them the way you want them done.
You will end up being his maid. Tell him to get his own apt and learn that way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to learn how to cook, clean, manage money, go to the grocery store. She should not have to be mom/maid to him. I raised both my son and daughter how to take care of themselves. I was a single mom, and we did it as a team. I wish her luck. Follow your instincts about your BF. Don't box yourself into a corner.
Girl, run. If he didn't take care of chores until now he will make your life a living hell when you ask him to do them.
Uhm, it takes about 15 minutes to show someone how to vacuum, do laundry, do the dishes, switch a lightbulb, wash the windows, iron a shirt, or to do any similar household chores. It doesn't take a masters degree to figure these out. So I'm guessing the real worry she has here is that is he going to participate whether he "knew" how to do these things or not since he never had to before. And this is understandable. But not being straight forward about it kinda yeah makes her, if not an a*****e, not confronting the real issue honestly ...
20 is so young... enjoy living alone. The costs socks but nothing else does
Dont let him move in. He needs to live on his own and learn. I always go out with a man that has had a long term or married and divorced. Because after they have divorced and they are forced to learn life skills.
It has ALWAYS been my experience that a man cleans around the house when he wants to, the rest of the time it will be your job, on top of your outside-the-home job. And I've seen too many men be with the kids when they are clean and ready, not helping when they are sick or tired, and not helping you. Have the guy live by himself for 6 months and see how he does. You are not responsible for his domestic education and schedule.
I have got a similar situation here, in a way. I am 25, he's 26, his parents did everything for him but then he lived for 2 years on his own before we moved together. I learnt the hard way that he doesn't know to do basic chores after we moved in but I am the type that doesn't mind teaching somebody these things, especially somebody I care about (though I know it's not for everyone). I still do the chores and I don't mind that for the most part - I am a perfectionist with OCD and if something's not done perfectly, I need to redo it my way. Chores also help me meditate in a way, to make the flat tidy makes my mind tidy. But I immensely appreciate when he does the basic level he now knows when I am sick or swamped with school or other responsibilities. Yes, there has been many fights over this matter but we're still happy together and he's a huge emotional and mental support to me, especially now when I am locked out of Japan and attending classes online from midnight till dawn.
His mum should be ashamed that she has raised a child who is totally unprepared for being an adult. Just out of curiosity, what would he have done if his mum had been killed and he suddenly had to live on his own?
As a good friend often said, don't feel sorry for a grown ass man. Cleaning, laundry, keeping your checking account balanced - all of those things are not that hard. If by age 24 you cannot figure out how to do those things on your own, we always have magic YouTube where you can find instructions to do anything. OK, cooking may be a bit different, but even that can be accomplished with a little practice. If she agrees to move in with this clueless guy, the chores will automatically "belong" to her and he will need training to assist her - and that is just wrong. They share an apartment, they should share the work. I know I wouldn't want to be a substitute mom for the man I love, I have made that mistake before and I know how uncomfortable that is. She is absolutely right for putting her foot down and insisting that he come into a shared living arrangement able to contribute an equal amount to that arrangement. If he really wants to live with her, he should gladly make the effort.
I get completely where she is coming from. My brother-in-law still brings his dirty laundry to his mom to be washed. He is nearly 50. Fortunately my husband moved away quite young and had to learn how to take care of stuff. I couldnt handle to have such a useless partner at my side
This was my ex husband, his Dad did everything for him, he wouldn't even brush his teeth unless I told him to, had never even filed his own taxes
If he was 17 it would be understandable, but he's 24! If he had any interest in adulting he would've learned this stuff already. The inability to clean or do laundry is bad enough, but the lack of financial literacy would be a dealbreaker for me. Money problems are one of the top predictors for divorce. You can't build a stable future with someone who has no idea how to manage money, and sharing a lease & living expenses with him while he "figures it out" could jeopardize YOUR stability. Girl, run!
He apparently knows something if he could get her to be with him and do everything for him. She may know how to do almost everything but to get rid of that useless man. Having said that, if they are together and they are happy the way things are, well, then good for them, end of the discussion.
You are definitely NOT THE ASSHOLE, it would be like having a spoilt overgrown baby living with you that cannot even iron a shirt for himself. Is he an only child were the mum had him on a pedestal? All children learn basic chores growing up , from making their own beds to being able to at least make themselves a snack. This guy is just wanting to continue having a live in butler, maid, care giver and all round skivvy. RUN my child RUN.
Run for the hills, girl. 24 year old man-child who's mommy does everything for him? Oh hell no.
Teaching your children to be able to take care of themselves is the most important thing you do as a parent, I'm 58 married one of these but always had to work so as soon as the kids were old enough to do laundry, they did. Cooking was the hardest for my youngest but he is doing great on his own and figuring it out. Who at 24 doesn't have 2 working parents?
This was the responsibility of his parents. As parents it's our job to teach our children how to make their beds, do dishes, make a simple meal, laundry etc even when your kiddo is a toddler you should teach them to help with cleanup time.. She should not have to teach him all of these things.
I think that moving in together is a decision for adults to make and one of the definitions of an adult is that they know how to take care of themselves. Adults should be able to cook and shop and clean and pay bills and make responsible decisions. (Exceptions for those struggling with mental health issues, which is NOT this guy). So until he's an adult, she should not move in with him.
A lot of these moms do everything for their boys because that’s the only thing they have to offer. They justify their existence by hanging on to them for dear life. This is a scary situation because I can guarantee you his mom is not ok with him doing chores. She will meddle in your business constantly and will always take his side while talking in his ear. This happens a lot. It seems like you have your priorities straight and he doesn’t. It’s better if you find someone who wants the same things as you. Just remember that people don’t change much - especially adults.
I would say, if you really love him, it shouldnt matter, its not hard to learn to make simple food and do cleaning. But, shes been dating for awhile, ready to move in, and shes just find this out now? Maybe she should really get to know him. Her suspicion is probably right, he probably wants to be babied.
You know how to do something, he does not. Yes, it's something he should have learnt how to do already, but for whatever reason he didn't. If he's willing to learn then why not help him, and teach him, you should help each other grow and I'm sure there are many, many relationships where one person teaches the other how to do something they consider "obvious" or "basic".
Because a woman trying to teach a man something he considers to be "woman's work" frequently leads to relationship problems, that's why.
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