“We Can’t Favor One Child Over The Other”: Mom Wants To Punish Her Son As He Got To Go To Disney World While His Sister Didn’t
Most family psychologists, when talking about raising children in large families, always note how important it is for parents not to choose favorites. This is absolutely correct advice, and it really helps to raise a psychologically healthy person – unless, of course, parents abuse the principle of equality per se.
Unfortunately, in reality, things are not so easy, and often parents, in pursuit of absolute equality and impartiality in relation to all their children, actually offend one of them. And if one of the spouses stands up for the child, this could lead to family drama and growing misunderstandings.
Like this dad, for example, whose post on the AITA Reddit community recently got nearly 32K upvotes and about 3.4K various comments. Events here developed almost exactly as we described above. However, let’s start from the very beginning.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster lives with his wife and their two children, a son and a daughter
Image source: danuv (not the actual photo)
So, the Original Poster lives with his wife and two children, a son and a daughter. By his own admission, the family is now experiencing some financial difficulties, so they cannot afford expensive entertainment for their children, unlike their friends.
Image source: FairIsNotFaire
The son’s friend had a birthday party and invited him to Disney World but the mom hesitated as to whether it would be fair to let him go
So, one of the friends of the OP’s son recently turned thirteen, and in his family, reaching this age means a big holiday (apparently, we are talking about Bar Mitzvah – reaching religious age in Judaism). So the boy’s parents arranged a big party, to which, in particular, they invited the OP’s entire family, and also sent their son to Disney World – and he, in turn, invited his best friend with him.
The OP’s wife hesitated to allow the boy to go – because, according to her, it would not be fair to his younger sister, as she also loves Disney and princesses very much. The husband objected that their children will not always have equal opportunities, so it is not worth punishing a boy who is not guilty of anything.
Image source: FairIsNotFaire
The boy bought some souvenirs for his sister, but when she saw him in the Star Wars shirt, she burst into tears
Moreover, it was the OP’s son who was invited, and not his sister, because it was he who was friends with the neighbor’s kid. In general, the husband managed to convince his wife, and their son went to Disney World. The OP also gave him some money to buy souvenirs for his sister.
The boy did so, and besides, his friend’s parents also bought a gift for the girl. However, when she saw her brother in a Star Wars T-shirt and a Mickey hat, she burst into tears. The mother said that it was a huge mistake, and it was not worth letting her son go on the trip.
Image source: FairIsNotFaire
In some time, mom decided that the son shouldn’t go with them on their family vacation, just to “even the score” with his sister
After some time, their BIL invited the OP’s entire family to come to his beach house, which he rented for a summer send-off. And then the wife suggested to the OP that their son should stay with his grandpa for this time in order to “even the score.”
The OP was upset with such an idea and said he strongly disagreed. According to him, they can not give any preference to one child over another, and their son is completely not to blame that a friend invited him to Disney World, and not his sister.
Image source: Steven Miller (not the actual photo)
Moreover, as the man said, it will be a family vacation and he is shocked that his wife even came up with such an idea. The OP stated that he would not allow this and, although his wife was angry with him as a result, he did not care. Although he is, of course, upset that everything ended in a family drama, he is not going to punish his own son for just being lucky.
Most commenters said that the woman definitely has a clear favorite of her two kids and that looks really awful
People in the comments were very surprised and upset by the woman’s behavior. Some even suggested that she was the boy’s stepmom, because she behaved exactly like the evil stepmothers in fairy tales. The man replied that she gave birth to both children, which further discouraged some readers.
According to commenters, everything looks as if the wife has a clear favorite of their two children and is not even afraid to show it. In any case, according to most people, the husband did exactly the right thing, the boy should go on the vacation, and his wife should probably talk to a family psychologist.
We believe that you’ll definitely have something to say about this story, so feel free to write your comment. And perhaps you have some wholesome advice for the Original Poster on how to deal with this problem in his family.
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Your wife is clearly the AH. I understand how the daughter feels - been there, done that, didn't get the t-shirt - but the wife's solution is only going to make things worse down the line. Dad is right: friends and opportunities don't come equally, but that doesn't make it unfair, it just makes it part of life.
YES!!!! Otherwise you get one superspoiled child. We can't give our children all... thank god for that....
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This is a moment when you teach your daughter that we celebrate other people luck and success even if we are angry to miss out, because that's what we do as humans and family. Next time she gets to invited to somewhere and son learns same lessons. Especially since he brought back his sister souvenirs and didn't forget already shows he has some maturity in behaviour. NTA. Wife needs to stop taking scores and balancing experiences. Would she say same if one of the kids becomes a doctor, artist or goes to college and other won't. One doesn't have as many friends as the other and you will force other to give up relationships just to keep it balanced. Toxic. My best friends had 5 siblings, they were invited to birthday party all, but only two of my best friends joined my birthday activity. Nobody felt left out. We were way younger
I think wife is projecting...since her brother is well off than her, she feels this way and assumes the daughter would too when her brother (the son) gets to do something that she can't. She is trying to "make it right" sonthe daughter doesnt go through the same pain as her...but in reality it is about her and not the daughter.
I don't know how mom thinks she is going to be able to level things between a 13 year old and a 9 year old. He is going to have so many experiences first. Will he have to wait until he's 20 to learn to drive? Until he's 22 to go to college? Will he have to miss prom? School trips? Parties? It's clearly ludicrous. This is a teaching opportunity. They will both have different opportunities, experiences, friends, skills, successes, and failures. They should be helping her learn to be happy for his happiness and that it's not a zero sum game. She will have her own opportunities for fun things that he won't. Mom shouldn't punish him to preserve some unrealistic idea of fairness. She's only harming him and setting her up for a huge shock when the real world she'll be living in for the rest of her adult life will not adapt to her feelings. She's learning to resent others and tear them down instead of figuring out her own path to happiness.
Yes, I'm sure your nice speech would totally help a 9 yrs old girl who is crying looking at her bro coming back from Disneyworld ( aka kid's paradise ) while she don't. Seriously, have you ever been a kid ? That's heartless and, yes, unfair.
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Exactly, like I doubt they even know each other well so why invite her. Like, if my brother was invited to some cool event with his friend and I wasn’t, by all means, go have fun!! Tell me about it when you get back!!
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My older brother got to go to Disneyland on a school band trip, while I didn't. Did it seem unfair? Sure. I've never been able to go at all. But he did get me a bunch of souvenirs, so that was really nice of him. I could tell he spent a good deal of time picking them out for me. The daughter will understand when she's older that it's just part of life. She'll get over it. I do hope they did something a little bit special for the daughter while the son was off with his friend's family. Choosing to exclude the son from a family trip, where everyone had been invited... that's just plain wrong and would really scar that poor kid. Especially if the mother has already made a big deal about how letting him go was a mistake, it would only make him feel more like his mother doesn't love him.
NTA, that daughter is going to end up one hell of an entitled "karen" if you allow the mother to enforce this kind of b******t. Kid has to learn that she can't always get what she wants, that sometimes things won't go her way.
I think she might already be far down that path. A 9 year old girl crying because her brother had a nice time? Mother clearly voiced how unfair everything was in front of her daughter. My sister had way more opportunities than me, because sometimes that's life. We were raised to celebrate each others wins. Once I got sad because she went skiing and would miss my birthday. My mum told me we would do something special, but she was a bit sad I was behaving selfish and spoilt. My husband was raised to always put his sister first - like it was his job as her big brother. She is over 30 now, and still expects us to go without things we need to give her what she wants. It makes both of them worse off.
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The Husband is right, chances like this may come once in a lifetime for some. Yes little girls love Disney but taking it out on the son by stopping him going on a family trip to even the score will damage him in more ways than one. The Daughter wasn't deliberately ostracised by the sons' friends parents, the only person causing problems and making it a competition is the Wife
WTH is wrong with that woman?? "Imma punish you 'cause your friend's family had invited you to your friend's birthday with them!!111" All of my whats...
Things are not always going to be equal between siblings and that's just a fact of life. My sister's birthday is two weeks before Christmas, so she got to open one of her Christmas presents early. I would cry about it, but my parents never stopped letting her do this. I just had to learn that things are not always equal. Wanting the son to miss out of a FAMILY vacation because the daughter didn't get to go on the FRIEND trip to Disney is absolutely ridiculous and the mother is being completely out of line. Let the mother be mad, but take your son on vacation. Your son and wife are going to have a very strained mother son relationship down the road.
" My sister's birthday is two weeks before Christmas, so she got to open one of her Christmas presents early. I would cry about it, but my parents never stopped letting her do this. " That story just show you have accepted to be treated unfairly. Not everyone have to be OK with this.
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Definitely not the a*****e. Different ages, different experiences. Even if they were twins its still be understandable. its how life works
NTA: At first i thought the disney world vacation was a family trip and the daughter was left out- but it was a friends birthdayparty? If you ask her, I dont think the daughter would even think about it anymore.
Punishing a kid that didn't do anything wrong?!?! Let's making him hate is sister!
Mom needs to grow up or she will reap what she sows down the line. All kids have different experience happen to them as individuals and mom will end up ruining, her relationship with your son. The ones that always get hurt are the kids. Keep covering your son's back. He will need your support always. Your daughter will need it too.
"I watched him come out of her body, so no." Lmfao!!! There are few answers in history so bursting with raw honesty such as this one. Two follow-up questions: 1. After birth, did you mark the baby? 2. Did you mark the wife?
Okay so I rarely comment on these things but holy guac that woman has issues. This is straight up revenge on a child. Want to make it even? You take your kid to do something special while the other is away. Example: my siblings got to go to a Waterpark with my church when I was little. I didn't get to go because I didn't meet the age requirement. I didn't take it well. My mom took me to get a personal pan pizza from pizza hut. (We were relatively poor so this was a treat.) I was thrilled. She called it our secret pizza. I couldn't tell my siblings and swore I wouldn't. It made me feel great. Go flip side on that with what op's wife pulled. If my mom had waited til her other kids came home and said "no pizza for you" I would've looked at her completely different! That's just nasty and not something you do to someone you love. I actually would've been upset if she did that. I bet op's daughter wouldn't find this justice at ALL. Her son is a child and did NOTHING wrong.
The daughter is nine. She didn't get to go on that particular trip. She will have opportunities ad she gets older that her brother will not. And, even if she doesnt, this isn't a competition to see who gets the most trips.
If Dad isn't careful, Mom will completely alienate the boy and cause an additional rift between the kids. God forbid the family gets an all~expense paid trip to Disney~~the woman will scream that the boy can't go a 2nd time! Utterly immature and I agree Mom needs counseling *now*. I was raised with four siblings. None of us got the same opportunities and the folks didn't even try to make it fair. It was aggravating AF, but it was still healthier than what the wife (who is a serious AH in this matter) is trying to achieve. To keep a child from a family gathering is psychologically abusive. She needs to be watched so she doesn't try to 'even things up' away from Dad's sane eye.
I have three siblings and we've often had grandparents take just a few of us on trips. My brothers went to Florida. My sister, cousins, and I went to Disney. My sister and I were taken to Ireland on two separate occasions. My brothers might be going soon. My brothers went to Canada and I went a few years later. None of these trips are with our parents because we don't have the money for big vacations but our grandparents sometimes took us along with them when they went and we were never jealous. I don't think the thought crossed my mind even when hearing them talk about how much they loved it and I hope that they never felt it either.
One of the hardest but most important life lessons we learn is that things aren’t always fair. Obviously this mom didn’t learn that and now she’s trying to prevent the daughter from learning it too.
Ya'll aren't looking at this from a nine year old girls point of view at all. Mom acts like going to a SUCKY sandy sunburn fest that smells like dead fish is as good as "Princess Land" is equal justice shows your all out of touch. That kid has already processed that disappointment. Justice would be something with her own friends.
Because this isn't about the girl. This is about the mother's completely innapropriate response to her son's good fortune.
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So...laziness? Instead of taking the time and effort to make her daughter feel better and explain sometimes we don't all get equal opportunities, she decides to try making both kids miserable.
Fair is not always equal. This is one of those ideas such as all siblings get gifts on a brother or sister's birthday.
It's ridiculous, it's really like punishing kid for being lucky. And I wonder it wife would try to "even the score" , if daughter was one who went to Disney.
Tell wife to take the girl to high tea all decked out in fancy dress, hat and gloves. She'll feel like Royalty and she'll get special girl time with mom. The son, 13, won't have the slightest interest in a tea party. Parents should be doing one on one time with each of their kids at least monthly anyway.
I cannot believe this. Are you going to keep score of everything the kids do? You can't. They lead separate lives and well they should. He went out of his way to share with his sister and you made it worse by not being happy that he shared with her. Shame on you!
Nor sure if the OP is still checking, and this may have already been said....as someone who was treated differently from my siblings, I can tell you that it breeds hostility between. Please don't let that happen to your kids
Dad is NTA...but neither is the mom. They should have said no to the trip for the son as well knowing that this is just beyond the scope of fair. It's not like one kid got ice cream and the other didn't. My kids would never have gotten to go to Disney if my Mom-In Law hadn't worked and saved for four years to take all of us. Heck at today's prices what normal family can afford Disney. Go to the beach and enjoy. But yeah neither parent is the AH...but neither parent is right.
I know how it feels to have parents that pull favorites and I will tell u this ur son being invited by a friend for his friends birthday and not taking the sister is not favoritism however say u planned to take him urself but only him is thereby leaving ur daughter to wonder if u care for her at all. If anything it sounds like ur wife is going to pull favorites not u so if she tries I would say exactly the same thing u did . Plus if I was the little sister I woul later grill brother on all the stuff he did and tell him he better have brought a lot of stuff for me home and as a bonus play a game with me that I liked
I understand wanting to have your kids all be treated well, but kids have to learn that it's not every good thing is meant for them too. The daughter might be little and not understand to be happy for her brother, but it was well okay for the son to go on and enjoy his trip with HIS friend. Sounds like the mom is struggling to deal with this when she really needs to just let it go. The daughter, I bet, doesn't even recall the incident now and will either forget or get over it much faster than the mom.
When we were kids we were very active. Our parents didn't have a lot of money for family trips, we thought going to Ohio once a year, staying with relatives and visiting Kings Island or Great American was a big deal. I was in band and got to go to Disney World. My brother played sports and got to go to LA and Chicago. My sister became a model at 14 and went all over the country on shoots, including two weeks in NY for Fashion Week. Kids get opportunities as they make friends and get involved where they get to do things they wouldn't normally get to do. "Punishing" a kid because he got a great opportunity is just mean. I get that the family is struggling, but there are so many free and low cost fun activities for kids to do, they could have planned activities while.he was gone for her and made their together time more special. She might still have been upset when her brother got back, but that is the time to sit her down and tell her what I just said about opportunities.
I believe children should be treated fairly in a family also. So your was the only one invited to Disney World. Did the friend’s pay for him to go or did you? I think if you had to pay, then that would be unfair to your daughter; if the friend’s parents paid then you did fine. Life in general doesn’t always turn out 50/50 for all siblings. As your daughter gets a little a friend’s family may want to take her somewhere you son wouldn’t be invited to go. This is not you being unfair to your children. Take both of them on the trip and don’t punish your son for heaven’s sake!
The friend's family paid for all the brother's needs. Parents gave him money to bring his sister home presents~~plus his friend's parents bought her an additional gift.
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It's so sad. This will create a lot of hate between siblings. Don't let her do that.
Disappointment is something kids need to learn to cope with. It's the same with every event when one sibling gets something and the other doesn't. Your job as a parent isn't to "fix everything" so it's fair (it will never be because that's not how the world works). Your job is to be there for your kids when they learn to cope with those emotions. If you try to keep an even "score" you will miss the point. I do feel for the wife in the sense that it HURTS seeing your kids go through the process...but she needs to let go of trying to fix it - it will only make it worse. Of course you shouldn't be punished for doing something you were allowed to do and enjoyed so of course the son should come with.
Yeaah, let treat our kids unfairly because " that's life, deal with it lol "
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I see where wife is coming from, but still Nta. They should have had a discussion with son and daughter tho before the Disney trip about how only one is going etc
If that b***h wants to "even the score", it's the daughter that should be rewarded somehow. A*****e "mother" considers punishment more important.
Everyone in the comments talking like insensitives robots... It was utterly stupid to let the boy go to Disneyworld from the start and it look like the mother already guessed that since the beginning : how do you think a little nine years old girl who love Disney princess would react to this ? You guys are totally desillusional if you think a nice grown-up " well, life is unfair, deal with it " speech would solve the problem. Everyone talk about the pooor boy and how staying with his grand-father could scar him but nobody about the girl and the idea that her bro just have the trip to Disney AND is also coming to beach vacations because... well just because. I'm 100 % sure - without any doubt - that all the people who claim " like is unfair and kids have to learn this " would be the first to cringe if injustice happens to THEM . If the father had listened to the mother since the start there wouldn't have been any drama and they could have discovered Disneyworld an other time.
When my wife and I got married she had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her and her husband split custody, which was always fine with us, and the kids got 2 weeks each for summer vacation with both parents outside of custody. When we 1st got married, he kept on trying to interfere in our time every year. One summer, I was taking everyone to Disneyland for summer vacation as a surprise. When her ex found out the days we were going on vacation, he signed up the son for a soccer camp over that time. We made it clear we were leaving town, and he wouldn't be going to the summer camp. He manipulated his son to have a fit, and insist he wanted to go to the soccer camp, and he didn't want to go on vacation with us. My wife finally relented and said fine, and the rest of us went to Disneyland. When we got back her ex and her son had a fit, and we got told it was incredibly inappropriate to go without him, and we should have told them where we were going.
My wife made it very clear... When we go on vacation, it doesn't matter where we are going. He either wants to go on a family vacation with us or he doesn't, and he doesn't get to choose whether it's a special one that he would enjoy.
Load More Replies... Wow, people are so harsh in their comments. The mom could just be guilty about being unable to provide equal opportunity to both children and handling those emotions badly. If you were raised in a materialistic family (nothing wrong with that) where care is shown by gifting things and you as an adult find yourself in a position where that's just not possible for you to replicate, you may be unequipped to handle situations such as this. In my opinion this is a woman lacking some tools in her toolbox. A horrible thing if left unresolved? Absolutely. It will leave its mark on any relationship either romantic or paternal. But that doesn't make the mother an all around terrible human being. Also: A child was put into a situation that was stressful both internally (envy) and externally (stressed/disagreeing parents) and flushed those emotions healthily by crying. I am having trouble seeing the issue? Aside from again an I'll equipped mother prolonging an issue unnecessarily.
Short version: There is no a*****e, just a dire need for some healthy communication perhaps with assistance from a professional.
Load More Replies... Sounds like your wife is the problem here. You were right to not exclude your son from the family holiday. What kind of message would that be for your children? If i'm hurt so someone has to be hurt so i can feel better?
... And what kind of message letting Brother go to Disneyworld and daughter not would that had been for her ?
Load More Replies... Your wife is clearly the AH. I don't see why she would want to punish your son for being invited by a friend. And even though your daughter is nine, she should understand that we all don't get the same opportunities in life. Down the line something is gonna come up for her that won't come up for her brother, how would she feel if he throws a tantrum and sulks about it
If wife really wants to "even" the score, have her take daughter to the Disney store and give her the same amount of money you gave brother to get her AND brother stuff. Or to an amusement park, just her and a parent or friend. It definitely doesn't need to be some super expensive trip or location. Going with her friend, without her brother, but having to buy souvenirs for them both, might make her understand better, and would "even the score" if it's really that much of a deal for your wife.
I seriously doubt that anyone, anywhere, would agree with the mom. I can't believe this guy even felt the need to take a poll.
So the sons best friend invited everyone so why didn't everyone go? That solves everything
Emotions can get the best of moms. It's not that she doesn't love her son as much as she loves her daughter, it's that her heart is breaking for her daughter. And we moms have to learn to think logically. My husband is extremely logical and I'm very emotional. My thought is that as the husband I'm wondering if you can speak to your wife's heart. Spend some time just you and her and ask her if she can think about what may be behind all her emotions. She may need to talk to somebody who is neutral and has a lot of experience.
You are most definitely the AH. Don't let your daughter go with her bro to Disney. Don't let her have her own vacation. Your wife was right. If your son got to go to Disney, take your daughter after. My mom took me to Disney world after promising me we would go to Hollywood Studios. My family isn't too good financially, but we manage. After a while, my mom took my sister to all 4 parks. You are the a--hole. Not sorry
Exactly. People in the comments talk like a bunch of robots without any feelings or sensitivity. Injustice Suck, it's supposed to Suck and it's totally normal for a little girl to feel bad and sad when she lost an opportunity like this one. " Yeah, sweetie, your brother already goes to Disneyland and you didn't and he's also gonna go to beach vacation because he won the luck lottery. Deal with it. " Yeah, it's soooo a good thing to say to a crying nine years old girl...
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I very much doubt that your wife would leave daughter with grandpa if she had been the one whose friend invited her to Disneyland. Your wife seems to have some serious issues.
NTA OP. Is your wife comparing this situation with her childhood? That is a completely bizarre suggestion.
I got to stay at my great aunt’s with cousins my age after a New Year’s party and my brother was too young. My parents said he whined he wanted to stay too, then promptly fell asleep. He survived. I got to go on a really amazing school trip. It wasn’t offered when my brother went to the same school. He was upset they didn’t do it but he survived. He got chances to do things I never did at his high school later. I survived.
The Wife is the AH. The kids will always have different opportunities because they'll have different friend groups. They'll also get used to not being able to do everything that the other is doing. Sounds like the wife favors the girl over the boy to me and treats her like a princess.
Please forgive all my missing words in below answer! It’s been a long day.
Your wife loves your daughter and is trying to be "fair". Her Intentions are good. You both are coming from a place of good intentions. I 100% agree with your approach. It's important to learn that life isn't always fair like you said. You're kids though, will grow up with parents that try to be fair which they are lucky for. Life isn't always fair but you should be fair to others. *I don't know why I wrote this as if I was talking to the guy. This is obviously not the original post.
The wife is AH. But op also needs to look at their own parenting. The nine year old daughter is far too old to be crying because someone got something she didn’t. She should have been happy for her brother. Does she cry every time someone else has a birthday? I think the problem is the wife is encouraging this and it needs to stop.
I really can't agree with the 9yo being "to old to cry when disappointed". Hey, I'm 34 and I can cry if I get really disappointed or sad (and especially in the comfort of being home - meaning she feels safe with her parents and I see that as a good thing in their parenting).
Load More Replies... Your wife is clearly the AH. I understand how the daughter feels - been there, done that, didn't get the t-shirt - but the wife's solution is only going to make things worse down the line. Dad is right: friends and opportunities don't come equally, but that doesn't make it unfair, it just makes it part of life.
YES!!!! Otherwise you get one superspoiled child. We can't give our children all... thank god for that....
Load More Replies... This is a moment when you teach your daughter that we celebrate other people luck and success even if we are angry to miss out, because that's what we do as humans and family. Next time she gets to invited to somewhere and son learns same lessons. Especially since he brought back his sister souvenirs and didn't forget already shows he has some maturity in behaviour. NTA. Wife needs to stop taking scores and balancing experiences. Would she say same if one of the kids becomes a doctor, artist or goes to college and other won't. One doesn't have as many friends as the other and you will force other to give up relationships just to keep it balanced. Toxic. My best friends had 5 siblings, they were invited to birthday party all, but only two of my best friends joined my birthday activity. Nobody felt left out. We were way younger
I think wife is projecting...since her brother is well off than her, she feels this way and assumes the daughter would too when her brother (the son) gets to do something that she can't. She is trying to "make it right" sonthe daughter doesnt go through the same pain as her...but in reality it is about her and not the daughter.
I don't know how mom thinks she is going to be able to level things between a 13 year old and a 9 year old. He is going to have so many experiences first. Will he have to wait until he's 20 to learn to drive? Until he's 22 to go to college? Will he have to miss prom? School trips? Parties? It's clearly ludicrous. This is a teaching opportunity. They will both have different opportunities, experiences, friends, skills, successes, and failures. They should be helping her learn to be happy for his happiness and that it's not a zero sum game. She will have her own opportunities for fun things that he won't. Mom shouldn't punish him to preserve some unrealistic idea of fairness. She's only harming him and setting her up for a huge shock when the real world she'll be living in for the rest of her adult life will not adapt to her feelings. She's learning to resent others and tear them down instead of figuring out her own path to happiness.
Yes, I'm sure your nice speech would totally help a 9 yrs old girl who is crying looking at her bro coming back from Disneyworld ( aka kid's paradise ) while she don't. Seriously, have you ever been a kid ? That's heartless and, yes, unfair.
Load More Replies... Exactly, like I doubt they even know each other well so why invite her. Like, if my brother was invited to some cool event with his friend and I wasn’t, by all means, go have fun!! Tell me about it when you get back!!
Load More Replies... My older brother got to go to Disneyland on a school band trip, while I didn't. Did it seem unfair? Sure. I've never been able to go at all. But he did get me a bunch of souvenirs, so that was really nice of him. I could tell he spent a good deal of time picking them out for me. The daughter will understand when she's older that it's just part of life. She'll get over it. I do hope they did something a little bit special for the daughter while the son was off with his friend's family. Choosing to exclude the son from a family trip, where everyone had been invited... that's just plain wrong and would really scar that poor kid. Especially if the mother has already made a big deal about how letting him go was a mistake, it would only make him feel more like his mother doesn't love him.
NTA, that daughter is going to end up one hell of an entitled "karen" if you allow the mother to enforce this kind of b******t. Kid has to learn that she can't always get what she wants, that sometimes things won't go her way.
I think she might already be far down that path. A 9 year old girl crying because her brother had a nice time? Mother clearly voiced how unfair everything was in front of her daughter. My sister had way more opportunities than me, because sometimes that's life. We were raised to celebrate each others wins. Once I got sad because she went skiing and would miss my birthday. My mum told me we would do something special, but she was a bit sad I was behaving selfish and spoilt. My husband was raised to always put his sister first - like it was his job as her big brother. She is over 30 now, and still expects us to go without things we need to give her what she wants. It makes both of them worse off.
Load More Replies... The Husband is right, chances like this may come once in a lifetime for some. Yes little girls love Disney but taking it out on the son by stopping him going on a family trip to even the score will damage him in more ways than one. The Daughter wasn't deliberately ostracised by the sons' friends parents, the only person causing problems and making it a competition is the Wife
WTH is wrong with that woman?? "Imma punish you 'cause your friend's family had invited you to your friend's birthday with them!!111" All of my whats...
Things are not always going to be equal between siblings and that's just a fact of life. My sister's birthday is two weeks before Christmas, so she got to open one of her Christmas presents early. I would cry about it, but my parents never stopped letting her do this. I just had to learn that things are not always equal. Wanting the son to miss out of a FAMILY vacation because the daughter didn't get to go on the FRIEND trip to Disney is absolutely ridiculous and the mother is being completely out of line. Let the mother be mad, but take your son on vacation. Your son and wife are going to have a very strained mother son relationship down the road.
" My sister's birthday is two weeks before Christmas, so she got to open one of her Christmas presents early. I would cry about it, but my parents never stopped letting her do this. " That story just show you have accepted to be treated unfairly. Not everyone have to be OK with this.
Load More Replies... Definitely not the a*****e. Different ages, different experiences. Even if they were twins its still be understandable. its how life works
NTA: At first i thought the disney world vacation was a family trip and the daughter was left out- but it was a friends birthdayparty? If you ask her, I dont think the daughter would even think about it anymore.
Punishing a kid that didn't do anything wrong?!?! Let's making him hate is sister!
Mom needs to grow up or she will reap what she sows down the line. All kids have different experience happen to them as individuals and mom will end up ruining, her relationship with your son. The ones that always get hurt are the kids. Keep covering your son's back. He will need your support always. Your daughter will need it too.
"I watched him come out of her body, so no." Lmfao!!! There are few answers in history so bursting with raw honesty such as this one. Two follow-up questions: 1. After birth, did you mark the baby? 2. Did you mark the wife?
Okay so I rarely comment on these things but holy guac that woman has issues. This is straight up revenge on a child. Want to make it even? You take your kid to do something special while the other is away. Example: my siblings got to go to a Waterpark with my church when I was little. I didn't get to go because I didn't meet the age requirement. I didn't take it well. My mom took me to get a personal pan pizza from pizza hut. (We were relatively poor so this was a treat.) I was thrilled. She called it our secret pizza. I couldn't tell my siblings and swore I wouldn't. It made me feel great. Go flip side on that with what op's wife pulled. If my mom had waited til her other kids came home and said "no pizza for you" I would've looked at her completely different! That's just nasty and not something you do to someone you love. I actually would've been upset if she did that. I bet op's daughter wouldn't find this justice at ALL. Her son is a child and did NOTHING wrong.
The daughter is nine. She didn't get to go on that particular trip. She will have opportunities ad she gets older that her brother will not. And, even if she doesnt, this isn't a competition to see who gets the most trips.
If Dad isn't careful, Mom will completely alienate the boy and cause an additional rift between the kids. God forbid the family gets an all~expense paid trip to Disney~~the woman will scream that the boy can't go a 2nd time! Utterly immature and I agree Mom needs counseling *now*. I was raised with four siblings. None of us got the same opportunities and the folks didn't even try to make it fair. It was aggravating AF, but it was still healthier than what the wife (who is a serious AH in this matter) is trying to achieve. To keep a child from a family gathering is psychologically abusive. She needs to be watched so she doesn't try to 'even things up' away from Dad's sane eye.
I have three siblings and we've often had grandparents take just a few of us on trips. My brothers went to Florida. My sister, cousins, and I went to Disney. My sister and I were taken to Ireland on two separate occasions. My brothers might be going soon. My brothers went to Canada and I went a few years later. None of these trips are with our parents because we don't have the money for big vacations but our grandparents sometimes took us along with them when they went and we were never jealous. I don't think the thought crossed my mind even when hearing them talk about how much they loved it and I hope that they never felt it either.
One of the hardest but most important life lessons we learn is that things aren’t always fair. Obviously this mom didn’t learn that and now she’s trying to prevent the daughter from learning it too.
Ya'll aren't looking at this from a nine year old girls point of view at all. Mom acts like going to a SUCKY sandy sunburn fest that smells like dead fish is as good as "Princess Land" is equal justice shows your all out of touch. That kid has already processed that disappointment. Justice would be something with her own friends.
Because this isn't about the girl. This is about the mother's completely innapropriate response to her son's good fortune.
Load More Replies... So...laziness? Instead of taking the time and effort to make her daughter feel better and explain sometimes we don't all get equal opportunities, she decides to try making both kids miserable.
Fair is not always equal. This is one of those ideas such as all siblings get gifts on a brother or sister's birthday.
It's ridiculous, it's really like punishing kid for being lucky. And I wonder it wife would try to "even the score" , if daughter was one who went to Disney.
Tell wife to take the girl to high tea all decked out in fancy dress, hat and gloves. She'll feel like Royalty and she'll get special girl time with mom. The son, 13, won't have the slightest interest in a tea party. Parents should be doing one on one time with each of their kids at least monthly anyway.
I cannot believe this. Are you going to keep score of everything the kids do? You can't. They lead separate lives and well they should. He went out of his way to share with his sister and you made it worse by not being happy that he shared with her. Shame on you!
Nor sure if the OP is still checking, and this may have already been said....as someone who was treated differently from my siblings, I can tell you that it breeds hostility between. Please don't let that happen to your kids
Dad is NTA...but neither is the mom. They should have said no to the trip for the son as well knowing that this is just beyond the scope of fair. It's not like one kid got ice cream and the other didn't. My kids would never have gotten to go to Disney if my Mom-In Law hadn't worked and saved for four years to take all of us. Heck at today's prices what normal family can afford Disney. Go to the beach and enjoy. But yeah neither parent is the AH...but neither parent is right.
I know how it feels to have parents that pull favorites and I will tell u this ur son being invited by a friend for his friends birthday and not taking the sister is not favoritism however say u planned to take him urself but only him is thereby leaving ur daughter to wonder if u care for her at all. If anything it sounds like ur wife is going to pull favorites not u so if she tries I would say exactly the same thing u did . Plus if I was the little sister I woul later grill brother on all the stuff he did and tell him he better have brought a lot of stuff for me home and as a bonus play a game with me that I liked
I understand wanting to have your kids all be treated well, but kids have to learn that it's not every good thing is meant for them too. The daughter might be little and not understand to be happy for her brother, but it was well okay for the son to go on and enjoy his trip with HIS friend. Sounds like the mom is struggling to deal with this when she really needs to just let it go. The daughter, I bet, doesn't even recall the incident now and will either forget or get over it much faster than the mom.
When we were kids we were very active. Our parents didn't have a lot of money for family trips, we thought going to Ohio once a year, staying with relatives and visiting Kings Island or Great American was a big deal. I was in band and got to go to Disney World. My brother played sports and got to go to LA and Chicago. My sister became a model at 14 and went all over the country on shoots, including two weeks in NY for Fashion Week. Kids get opportunities as they make friends and get involved where they get to do things they wouldn't normally get to do. "Punishing" a kid because he got a great opportunity is just mean. I get that the family is struggling, but there are so many free and low cost fun activities for kids to do, they could have planned activities while.he was gone for her and made their together time more special. She might still have been upset when her brother got back, but that is the time to sit her down and tell her what I just said about opportunities.
I believe children should be treated fairly in a family also. So your was the only one invited to Disney World. Did the friend’s pay for him to go or did you? I think if you had to pay, then that would be unfair to your daughter; if the friend’s parents paid then you did fine. Life in general doesn’t always turn out 50/50 for all siblings. As your daughter gets a little a friend’s family may want to take her somewhere you son wouldn’t be invited to go. This is not you being unfair to your children. Take both of them on the trip and don’t punish your son for heaven’s sake!
The friend's family paid for all the brother's needs. Parents gave him money to bring his sister home presents~~plus his friend's parents bought her an additional gift.
Load More Replies... It's so sad. This will create a lot of hate between siblings. Don't let her do that.
Disappointment is something kids need to learn to cope with. It's the same with every event when one sibling gets something and the other doesn't. Your job as a parent isn't to "fix everything" so it's fair (it will never be because that's not how the world works). Your job is to be there for your kids when they learn to cope with those emotions. If you try to keep an even "score" you will miss the point. I do feel for the wife in the sense that it HURTS seeing your kids go through the process...but she needs to let go of trying to fix it - it will only make it worse. Of course you shouldn't be punished for doing something you were allowed to do and enjoyed so of course the son should come with.
Yeaah, let treat our kids unfairly because " that's life, deal with it lol "
Load More Replies... I see where wife is coming from, but still Nta. They should have had a discussion with son and daughter tho before the Disney trip about how only one is going etc
If that b***h wants to "even the score", it's the daughter that should be rewarded somehow. A*****e "mother" considers punishment more important.
Everyone in the comments talking like insensitives robots... It was utterly stupid to let the boy go to Disneyworld from the start and it look like the mother already guessed that since the beginning : how do you think a little nine years old girl who love Disney princess would react to this ? You guys are totally desillusional if you think a nice grown-up " well, life is unfair, deal with it " speech would solve the problem. Everyone talk about the pooor boy and how staying with his grand-father could scar him but nobody about the girl and the idea that her bro just have the trip to Disney AND is also coming to beach vacations because... well just because. I'm 100 % sure - without any doubt - that all the people who claim " like is unfair and kids have to learn this " would be the first to cringe if injustice happens to THEM . If the father had listened to the mother since the start there wouldn't have been any drama and they could have discovered Disneyworld an other time.
When my wife and I got married she had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her and her husband split custody, which was always fine with us, and the kids got 2 weeks each for summer vacation with both parents outside of custody. When we 1st got married, he kept on trying to interfere in our time every year. One summer, I was taking everyone to Disneyland for summer vacation as a surprise. When her ex found out the days we were going on vacation, he signed up the son for a soccer camp over that time. We made it clear we were leaving town, and he wouldn't be going to the summer camp. He manipulated his son to have a fit, and insist he wanted to go to the soccer camp, and he didn't want to go on vacation with us. My wife finally relented and said fine, and the rest of us went to Disneyland. When we got back her ex and her son had a fit, and we got told it was incredibly inappropriate to go without him, and we should have told them where we were going.
My wife made it very clear... When we go on vacation, it doesn't matter where we are going. He either wants to go on a family vacation with us or he doesn't, and he doesn't get to choose whether it's a special one that he would enjoy.
Load More Replies... Wow, people are so harsh in their comments. The mom could just be guilty about being unable to provide equal opportunity to both children and handling those emotions badly. If you were raised in a materialistic family (nothing wrong with that) where care is shown by gifting things and you as an adult find yourself in a position where that's just not possible for you to replicate, you may be unequipped to handle situations such as this. In my opinion this is a woman lacking some tools in her toolbox. A horrible thing if left unresolved? Absolutely. It will leave its mark on any relationship either romantic or paternal. But that doesn't make the mother an all around terrible human being. Also: A child was put into a situation that was stressful both internally (envy) and externally (stressed/disagreeing parents) and flushed those emotions healthily by crying. I am having trouble seeing the issue? Aside from again an I'll equipped mother prolonging an issue unnecessarily.
Short version: There is no a*****e, just a dire need for some healthy communication perhaps with assistance from a professional.
Load More Replies... Sounds like your wife is the problem here. You were right to not exclude your son from the family holiday. What kind of message would that be for your children? If i'm hurt so someone has to be hurt so i can feel better?
... And what kind of message letting Brother go to Disneyworld and daughter not would that had been for her ?
Load More Replies... Your wife is clearly the AH. I don't see why she would want to punish your son for being invited by a friend. And even though your daughter is nine, she should understand that we all don't get the same opportunities in life. Down the line something is gonna come up for her that won't come up for her brother, how would she feel if he throws a tantrum and sulks about it
If wife really wants to "even" the score, have her take daughter to the Disney store and give her the same amount of money you gave brother to get her AND brother stuff. Or to an amusement park, just her and a parent or friend. It definitely doesn't need to be some super expensive trip or location. Going with her friend, without her brother, but having to buy souvenirs for them both, might make her understand better, and would "even the score" if it's really that much of a deal for your wife.
I seriously doubt that anyone, anywhere, would agree with the mom. I can't believe this guy even felt the need to take a poll.
So the sons best friend invited everyone so why didn't everyone go? That solves everything
Emotions can get the best of moms. It's not that she doesn't love her son as much as she loves her daughter, it's that her heart is breaking for her daughter. And we moms have to learn to think logically. My husband is extremely logical and I'm very emotional. My thought is that as the husband I'm wondering if you can speak to your wife's heart. Spend some time just you and her and ask her if she can think about what may be behind all her emotions. She may need to talk to somebody who is neutral and has a lot of experience.
You are most definitely the AH. Don't let your daughter go with her bro to Disney. Don't let her have her own vacation. Your wife was right. If your son got to go to Disney, take your daughter after. My mom took me to Disney world after promising me we would go to Hollywood Studios. My family isn't too good financially, but we manage. After a while, my mom took my sister to all 4 parks. You are the a--hole. Not sorry
Exactly. People in the comments talk like a bunch of robots without any feelings or sensitivity. Injustice Suck, it's supposed to Suck and it's totally normal for a little girl to feel bad and sad when she lost an opportunity like this one. " Yeah, sweetie, your brother already goes to Disneyland and you didn't and he's also gonna go to beach vacation because he won the luck lottery. Deal with it. " Yeah, it's soooo a good thing to say to a crying nine years old girl...
Load More Replies... I very much doubt that your wife would leave daughter with grandpa if she had been the one whose friend invited her to Disneyland. Your wife seems to have some serious issues.
NTA OP. Is your wife comparing this situation with her childhood? That is a completely bizarre suggestion.
I got to stay at my great aunt’s with cousins my age after a New Year’s party and my brother was too young. My parents said he whined he wanted to stay too, then promptly fell asleep. He survived. I got to go on a really amazing school trip. It wasn’t offered when my brother went to the same school. He was upset they didn’t do it but he survived. He got chances to do things I never did at his high school later. I survived.
The Wife is the AH. The kids will always have different opportunities because they'll have different friend groups. They'll also get used to not being able to do everything that the other is doing. Sounds like the wife favors the girl over the boy to me and treats her like a princess.
Please forgive all my missing words in below answer! It’s been a long day.
Your wife loves your daughter and is trying to be "fair". Her Intentions are good. You both are coming from a place of good intentions. I 100% agree with your approach. It's important to learn that life isn't always fair like you said. You're kids though, will grow up with parents that try to be fair which they are lucky for. Life isn't always fair but you should be fair to others. *I don't know why I wrote this as if I was talking to the guy. This is obviously not the original post.
The wife is AH. But op also needs to look at their own parenting. The nine year old daughter is far too old to be crying because someone got something she didn’t. She should have been happy for her brother. Does she cry every time someone else has a birthday? I think the problem is the wife is encouraging this and it needs to stop.
I really can't agree with the 9yo being "to old to cry when disappointed". Hey, I'm 34 and I can cry if I get really disappointed or sad (and especially in the comfort of being home - meaning she feels safe with her parents and I see that as a good thing in their parenting).
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