Woman Signs Over Parental Rights Of Her Baby To Cheating Husband’s Mistress, Refuses To Meet Her Daughter 14 Years Later When Her Ex Contacts Her
Settling down is like gambling – you never know if it’s actually going to work out. You might think you know the person well; perhaps, you’ve been those high school sweethearts, or love’s got you blinded, and you believe that the bond will last forever.
People change, and even if your loved one promised to be with you through thick and thin – there’s no guarantee that the promise will be kept.
Life happens, and there’s a chance that your once beloved spouse will make your existence a complete hell, but what’s worse is having children involved in this traumatic experience.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes you hate the father of your child so much that you’re willing to sign away your parental rights
Image credits: Corina Sanchez (not the actual image)
“AITA for refusing to meet my biological daughter? (I gave up my parental rights years ago)” – this online user took it to one of Reddit’s most popular communities to seek advice from the members and find out whether she’s indeed a jerk for refusing to meet her biological child that was adopted by her former spouse’s mistress. The post received nearly 18K upvotes and 4.8K worth of comments discussing this emotional situation.
Cheating ex got in touch with woman saying her biological child wants to meet her, she refused and told him to never contact her again
Image credits: u/Thelastoffew
The author began her post by revealing that many years ago, she was married to a man named Mark; a couple of years into the marriage, the poor woman found out that her spouse was cheating on her and had managed to get his mistress knocked up. It was a huge shock because the OP was pregnant with his child too.
Image credits: u/Thelastoffew
She was only 9 weeks pregnant and was determined to get a divorce and have an abortion – however, the man begged her to reconsider and insisted that she give their relationship a second chance.
The woman had a very traumatic pregnancy and when she was 6 months along, she discovered that her beloved spouse had never stopped seeing the other woman. He later justified it by saying that he was “torn” as he loved them both dearly. Naturally, the OP wasn’t willing to put up with his behavior, so she finally moved out and filed for divorce. The author wanted him to disappear from her life, but since she was expecting – it made things rather difficult.
Image credits: Alick Sung (not the actual image)
Unfortunately, the OP never fully bonded with the baby and the fact that it was her ex’s child contributed to all the negativity that she felt. The woman told her former partner that she didn’t want the child, so when they got together with his mistress, she gave her the choice to adopt – and she did.
Image credits: u/Thelastoffew
The author signed over her parental rights as soon as the child turned 6 months old and, when she left, she told her ex-husband that she didn’t want to be a part of the girl’s life, and that his lover was more than welcome to become her mother.
The OP moved to another country and tried to leave that distressing part of her life behind; she met a wonderful man and is now a mother to 3 kids.
Image credits: u/Thelastoffew
However, she recently was contacted by her former spouse who revealed that her biological daughter, who’s now 14, is eager to meet her. According to the man, his wife had passed away and before she died, she told the girl that she wasn’t her biological mother.
The woman was completely torn, as she didn’t want to meet the kid. She mentioned that it was extremely difficult to leave that part of her life behind; she was severely depressed for years, so she reminded the man that she gave up her parental rights years ago and that she wanted nothing to do with both of them.
Image credits: David Steltz (not the actual image)
The OP shared that she planned on telling her kids about their half-sibling once they were grown and mentally mature, but for now, the time’s not right. She told her former spouse to never contact her again and hung up the phone.
What do you think about this situation?
Fellow Redditors shared their own thoughts and opinions regarding this uneasy situation
I'm annoyed by the person who said children who grow up without biological parents have problem. And that even if they're adopted at day 1 they still don't have "real" parents. As a person who was adopted at birth that hurts a lot. Even as a teenager I had no desire to meet my biological parents. My adopted parents ARE my real parents. The fact that my mom didn't birth me means absolutely nothing. She's my mom. That's all there is to it. Sorry for the rant. That just made me upset.
Also adopted at birth and I'm right there with you. My mom and dad are my REAL parents and my brother is my REAL brother. I did meet my birth mother and know how to get in touch with my birth father. But I never felt they owed me or I owed them that contact. It's just worked out for us. Each situation is different.
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To meet a woman who resents her existence will do the girl no good
This is in reply to Justin Smith (the reply button is missing from his comment)... Justin, would you say this about a birthmother who placed her kid for anonymous adoption? Be quiet, BOY, the grown ups are talking.
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With the state of mind OP is in, I'd say following the one poster's suggestion of writing the letter but also including necessary medical info is a good one. Then have a couple of trusted friends/family proofread it to be sure it isn't offloading all of the negative feelings towards Ex onto the kid. Then sit on it a couple of weeks and go back to it. As it sounds, OP isn't in any state of mind yet to have a direct convo with the kid and not cause damage. OP needs to sort through their own emotions long before that happens.
She can send that info directly to the child's doctor without having to send anything to the child. OP should *not* send anything with her contact info on it, including an envelope.
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Mark sounds incredibly manipulative ... So the cynic in me thinks he's is trying to guilt her into taking over parenting because he doesn't want the burden...
Gotta love the person who said "You never gave yourself a chance to bond with her!". At what point should she have made that decision? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years, then tell a 10-year-old girl, "Sorry, honey, I gave it the old college try, but it's just not working out." It's MUCH less damaging that she did it immediately rather than risk never bonding with her and letting the kid grow up with a parent who resented their existence.
Exactly. She knew in her heart that she would never really bond with this child. And she did the best thing. I have to respect that she let the child go to her father and admitted that she was incapable of being a mother to that child.
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Men do this all the time. Old joke * I don't have any kids...that I know of* hardy har har. No matter what women do with a pregnancy, its wrong. Abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. Someone will have a problem with it. Since she is never going to win, she should continue down her path, doing what is right for her. You know who makes that decision? She does.
I concur! Always gatta be grasping at pearls when *a woman confesses she doesn't want to be in the picture, but doesn't bat any attention when men do. Thats the generational truama, dear!
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NTA this woman carried and gave birth to a child she didn't want then gave her baby a family and home where she would be safe and loved. This is what adoption is and is actually the BEST thing this woman could do for the baby if she really didn't love or want her. It's sad that the girl's adoptive mother died but that doesn't mean that she suddenly becomes the kid's mother again. It's another example of stigmas against women that she "owes something" to this girl - no she gave her to parents she genuinely believed would give her what she needed. And considering there's a lot of countries (even some states of the USA) where abortion is illegal we have to agree that unwanted children SHOULD be allowed to have a chance at another family and parents who love them. And the biological mother should have the right not to be guilted or shamed for moving on with their own life once they have provided the best life they can to the child they don't want.
Exactly! I am a birth mother. I placed a child for adoption. I was looking at it from that angle. I didn't place for the same reasons that she did, but it's the same principle. I made a decision and no one really has the right to expect Me to do about face.
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Post was made 2 years ago, with this comment from OP: "She grew up knowing my ex's former mistress, and now wife, as her only mother. She didn't know I existed. I never wanted to give birth, my mental health hit rock bottom. I still remember how I day dreamed about getting hit by a truck and dying when I was 7 months pregnant. That's when I knew that I cannot be a mother to this child, ever. I approached my ex husband's mistress, who had just given birth and asked her if she wanted to adopt my child. She really loved my ex Mark, and agreed to adopt her. The day I gave birth (it was a C section), I didn't even look at her face. Once I was out of the hospital, I never looked back. She was already with her mother, her sibling and her father. If I meet her now, what will I tell her? What can I tell her? That being pregnant with her made me suicidal? I will have to lie about why I didn't want her."
I don't understand people who are saying that she is TA. She signed over her parental rights and another woman raised that girl so the mistress is the mother. Technically she was just a surrogate. Now would I myself do this? I don't know, I have never been in that situation.
One commenter even basically stated that giving up parental rights doesn't mean you have nothing to do with the kid! Uh, yeah, that's literally *EXACTLY* what that means!
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This doesn't pass the smell test to me. The "other woman", who was already pregnant by Mark, adopted Mark's other child? What was her story to these two kids before she "confessed that she wasn't her biological mother..."? That they were twins with different birth dates? Or did the baby the adoptive mother was carrying just disappear? Details are missing, because what's presented doesn't add up.
I think maybe the girl is grieving her mother and hoping to sort of replace her. She can't and it would make a relationship really difficult. Let the daughter heal. This isn't the time, if there is a time. Also, anyone else think the adoptive mother is a b**** for unloading that on her grieving child??
RIGHT!? SO few people are commenting on how AWFUL that woman was in burdening a 14 YEAR OLD with that baggage, especially since she knew EXACTLY how it all went down
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NTA. People only say she is because she's a woman. Honestly, the stigma of women who leave their kids or give them up when they know what's best for them means that she's an a*****e. Yet a man cheats on his wife, forces her to have the baby while still seeing the other woman & lying... is not the a*****e? She's NTA... he is.. a man leaves his family & cheats on his wife & nobody bats an eye. A woman gives up her parental rights because she knows she cannot & will not be a good parent is someone the demon here? Make it make sense. She didn't up & leave like a lot of men do. She wants to abort the baby but was convinced not to by the very man who betrayed her. Now he's trying to guilt her into meeting a child she gave up when she has already been thru enough is sickening. He's an a*****e thru and thru . Yes, it sucks for the child. But the child lost her mother already. Why put her thru meeting a woman who didn't want her? That's just cruel.
*THIS* Is why men need to stay out of the laws around our bodies. Come, lets conversate about generational truama on each sex, but the laws on force birthing is not it.
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Is she really TAH here... She clearly wanted to abort the child but was cohearsed by her ex not to, he begged her. He made the bed he layed on. Decided his wife wasn't enough, cheated had a baby with said cheater....It's on him...Well....Clearly NTA. She made it perfectly clear her stance, her ex needs to respect that. Her mother pulling that drama on her death bed, not ok. She should have taken it to the grave. To those saying STA no.... She is not. She did what she needed to. He broke her heart, he begged her to carry said child (as he constantly cheated on her), they had an agreement, he and his wife fell through.
I also wonder why the cheating ex and his wife didn't tell the child that she was adopted from the beginning. They should have been upfront and honest. Apparently he was afraid she would find out that he's a lying, cheating coward who caused the problem in the first place.
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Ok so this is actually a difficult one because me personally I could never give up my child regardless of what my ex did. That being said I feel that the OP did the right thing in giving the child to the father - especially after not feeling anything but resentment after giving birth. It is so much better to give a child to a family that wants it than to expose it to resentment and harsh emotion out of a sense of obligation. I feel really bad for the daughter, but this woman spared her unkindness and resentment. I think that medical information should absolutely be sent, but other than that I feel that meeting her daughter would further injure her daughter's heart. NTA
See, the keyword from you was "personally" and that's the issue I have with so many of the YTA takes, they are projecting their choices on her and attempting to manipulate her into doing what they THINK they would do.(clearly you are not doing that)
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If I sign away my parental rights.... I legally mean it! So don't contact me years later.... There has to be more protection for the host mother in these situations. Mistakes shouldn't follow you around your entire life. I wish this woman well
Are you kidding? Of course those self-righteous pricks want mistakes to follow a woman around for her whole life. They take away her right to an abortion, then take away her right to give up a child for adoption, so they can punish her for not "keeping her legs closed". And that is a direct quote from an anti-choice d******d. If it was about the welfare of the child, the powers that be would do everything they could to find the biological father and make him pay support, rather than rely on welfare.
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While I feel bad for the kid, I kinda can understand the mom. She stated Very clearly that she wanted to abort the baby and only kept her because her ex begged, then discovered the ex was STILL with his side piece. I'd be profundly hurt, furious and mentaly not Fine about It, probably even years after the fact... He swore he'd change on the condiction she did something she clearly did not want and then broke his side of the accord. As awful it is to think about a pregnancy as a bargain, this is it on this case
Anyone saying she's the AH, she wanted to abort but the cheating husband wouldn't allow it WHILE continuing to lie to her the entire time she was pregnant. She is not responsible for his actions and not responsible for the mistress exposing the truth on her deathbed. OP was a surrogate at most, and no one would be angry at a surrogate for not taking responsibility of the child just because something bad happened to the legal parent(s).
The girl is clearly grieving her real mum (her adopted mum who raised her) and is trying to fill that role with her bio mum. Her bio mum isn't going to be able to fill that 'mum' role that the girl wants. There is only going to be extra grief for the girl - she will feel bad initially that bio mum doesn't want to meet her, but so much worse if she gets all excited about a one off meeting with bio mum, who then rejects her.
People's lives are full of loose ends. Nothing will change that. I agree with lots of the people saying maybe write a letter with medical information and leave it there for now. She didn't ask to be born but life happens. Everyone has things they have to deal with. Nothing is ever ideal. OP essentially was a surrogate. It's not a nice situation but that's life! (Edit: also let's not forget how he talked her out of an abortion.)
I don't think she's the a*****e at all. She did was was right for her and the child when she signed her rights away when she was born. I understand the girl being curious to meet her bio mom now but I think it might also do more harm than good at this stage.
NTA.. It's in the best interest of you and the child to never meet. She's traumatized and looking for a mom. You are not prepared to be that for her. It gave up a child for adoption. Not for the same reasons as you, but but I would not want him to come into my life and expect me to be mother. And I don't blame you.. You can just explain and tell him that no, it's not in her interest to meet you because you're not Her mom. You are not and cannot fill that void.
I respect this woman for sticking to her wishes, but I do wish women would quit not listening to their gut feeling and let a man coerce them into continuing an unwanted pregnancy
Funny story, I moved away from my Bio father when I was 3. I have grown up just fine with a man who I know is technically my step-dad but to me is and always will be my Dad. It hasn't messed me up one bit. To be fair, I don't want anything to do with my Bio father either, so it's a lil different but to the commenter saying you have to grow up with both bio parents I argue that that's incorrect.
Also recall that OP wanted to get an abortion, and Mark said no. That's BS, she tried to make a responsible decision and Mark ruined that. That other woman gladly took over the role of mom and I'm sure took good care of that child. Now OP is more mature and in a better relationship, which is probably why she's comfortable having kids with her current spouse. Sending Medical information would be a good idea, but apart from that if OP has no want to see the child, I don't think that meeting would do the kiddo any good anyways. Imagine meeting with someone who birthed you only to find out they resent you. I think that would be much worse than knowing you have/had 2 loving parents.
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The amnt of ppl who think this woman owes this kid, who she has no ties to, SPECIFICALLY PUTTING HER UP FOR ADOPTION CUZ SHE WAS NOT READY FOR KIDS AS SHE HAS STATED IN THERE, and deeply torn by the father? Grow up u guys. She doesn't owe her anything. Why the hell does it always fall back on the woman when ANYTHING happens. She doesn't want contact with her, she doesn't need to explain why. She was literally manipulated but that's not a good enough reason for any of u, if a child is put up for adoption, the birth mother owes them absolutely nothing. Most mothers get attached to their babies at birth, feeling the instant mother/child bond. She didn't feel it. End of damn story. She didn't feel a bond and doesn't feel connected. She doesn't owe the kid anything, leave her the hell alone.
The number of morons that thi k this woman owes the spawn jack is mind boggling. She owes them NOTHING. She is NOT her mom. She is NOT and has never been a part of her life beyond incubating the kid. Stay far, far away from that dumpster fire and if the ex contacts you again send a cease and desist and no contact order.
I think some people don't get that this isn't about revenge on Mark or malice towards the child. As a person you don't owe ANYONE your comfort. That girl was raised by her parents who hopefully gave her the love she deserved. Blood isn't what makes a family, and op isn't depriving her of a relationship that doesn't exist.
My question did the father explain the circumstances as to why her biological mother left. That he was unfaithful and the biological mother was not mentally prepared to care for a child that she had no emotional connection with. I get the impression biological mother had her own mental health issues to contend with. Him being unfaithful was just a precursor. She also stated she wanted a abortion. I am guessing said child feels like an orphan and wants an emotional connection to a mother figure. I feel sad for both.
The only thing the girl is entitled to is her medical history which she'll likely need as she gets older. I'm sure the girl will want to know why and the truth is far worse than not having contact.
I feel like the YTA crowd is just assuming what the ex told her is true. He lied about so much. He could be bringing her there to berate her or the daughter might not know at all. I think you should consider in the future meeting with her if she seeks you out but this whole situation screams of him losing the woman he could control and trying to manipulate the one he couldn't. Give her medical history, maybe a letter or something saying that you left because of the cheating and toxic environment, then if you're up to it, offer to meet her when she's an adult to discuss without the presence of your toxic ex.
Nah the YTA crowd is obvs a bunch of cookie cutter perfect world AHs who want to pin the blame on the woman who decided to give up her kid got her own valid reasons. I'm tired of these kinds of mfs who treat women like subhumans cuz they decided to do smth they felt was best. If she aborted they would've rallied and been a bunch of wholehearted right winged pigs about it as well. Why the hell do ppl assume u have to take care of some kid u don't want, u don't have a bond with, u aren't stable to care for or u don't have money to care for them? It's so stupid jfc those ppl need to grow up.
Load More Replies... Not in the least TA. She was coerced to have the child, gave her up at day one. Baby was adopted. As someone who went through almost word for word the same pregnancy, i chose a separate adoptive couple who tried for 2 decades to have a family unsuccessfully. I'm willing to meet her when she wishes to but i understand that not everyone is in the same boat. She was a surrogate and the woman who raised her was her mom. Anyone who is saying she's in the wrong for making the responsible choices that she did...all i can say is i hope they don't have children so they don't pass their intolerance, self-righteousness and stupidity on to the next generation. OP gave her her best start to life knowing that she couldn't care for her without resenting her which takes incredible strength. If meeting her now will tear down 14 years of rebuilt mental stability not meeting her is the right choice for her.
She is so NTA and all those projecting Hallmark commercial YTA replies are infuriating. It's inevitable some people can't wear any shoes but their own and see this from a perspective beyond their emotional "well I would NEVER" pearl clutching. They'd rather a child suffer emotional trauma than admit not every woman has a Disney magic script childbirth complete with a touching musical number. She did the right thing in this instance; she had zero connection to the kid and gave her up to a family that DOES, that love her and took care of her. There's nothing wrong with that. At most she could do as suggested and share her medical history, but by NO means does she need to complicate this kids life getting involved. It's the ex who shouldn't be messing around with lives AGAIN and possibly giving this kid who lost her mom the idea that she has a "second replacement mom" out there. No, she had a surrogate. You can't force someone to love somebody they don't.
Bravo for making such a difficult decision, he made his bed and now he can live with it. Biology does NOT make a parent, the girls mother passed and shame on her for being weak and telling her she wasn’t her mother. You made the best decision for you and you have stuck to it through the years, haters gonna hate but who cares.
NTA. I really wish she had terminated the pregnancy. Behind her husband's back. Because, when I was reading the story in the begining, I said: As a person that was told. Her mom is not her mom. This is a more difficult situation because your bringing a 3rd person in it. Kids who suddenly find out that they're not the biological child of a couple or person. Will try to meet their birth parent. But, since that's the past. I think everyone here needs serious therapy. That girl needs therapy. Because, she will be highly confused why her mom is not her biological mom. Besides DNA doesn't make you a parent. It is the one who was there nurturing. Since we don't know how was her relationship with her adoptive mom. Maybe it was nurturing or maybe it wasn't. I have friends who are adopted that say I don't need to look for or meet my biological parents. Because, my adopted ones are my real family.
The child’s desire to meet you is likely the gap she is feeling in her heart because she is now motherless. Difficult situation. Share your medical information and close it down as even though YNA it is still going to be heartbreaking for her. Do your best for the children you have now. The child is living with at least two people in her household who are in direct family relationship with her. They will have to find a new way to bond without their now deceased mother.
Oh, NTA!! I totally understand the not wanting any part of this childs life. She knew she wouldn't be able to be her mother. What she could do is write a letter to the little girl explaining that you leaving was due to no fault of her own and that she did nothing wrong and to not ever think that. Explain that she had a mother who did love her unconditionally and that you are sorry she lost her, but that at least she has those wonderful memories. I'd also include any pertinent medical history and perhaps some genealogy back ground if you know it.
Those are wise words! The girl is only 14 years old and she needs a healed heart to become a whole woman! She does not need to know all the whole gory details just that she is blameless in the situation and that you wish well on her life and prosperity. Just by doing this that Mom's heart may be able to heal for giving that ex husband and loving the gift that God gave her, her first daughter. Even if it's loving her from afar.
Load More Replies... She was tricked out of having the abortion she wanted. The kid shouldn't exist, yet does because her father was a lying, cheating, scumbag who manipulated the letter writer with fake promises. She owes neither one anything. Not medical history (seriously, the man was her husband for years, if he doesn't have an idea of what her medical history is, he's worse than we thought) not a conversation, not a letter, nothing. I think Mark is trying to get a wife replacement, and the daughter a mom replacement. They're grieving and latching on like drowning people trying to climb a nearby swimmer. She should tell Mark to tell his daughter the girl had a "real" mother, and it wasn't her. And then block him and set all of her social media to private and unsearchable.
the people who say YTA are clearly either people who have never experienced and cannot begin to understand how traumatic childbirth is when you WANT the child or they are people who do grasp one if the most crucial points, which is that her step mother is in fact her real mother as far as everything is concerned. OP literally did nothing except carry the child to term. she willingly gave up the child after experiencing something so incredibly heartbreaking, I do not know how she even recovered from it, but I am so happy she did. She's fully justified in refusing to meet the child. as another commenter pointed out, a medical history (if there is anything crucial that must be known), is a good idea, but that is also solely up to OPs discretion. She owes the child AND her horrible ex absolutely nothing at all. Also, biological relations do not determine a 'real' parent. The parent that is there and sticks around and raises the child is the parent. you do not become a parent via genes.
I'd ask the OP if she felt/knew deep down that Mark got her pregnant with he intention of keeping them tethered together due to wanting his cake and eating it too. Manipulative and indecisive men do these things and if the mistress was pregnant first then may be partly why she wanted to abort and divorce. She was too far along to go back to her original plan when she discovered she had been tricked and betrayed again, so I understand she was in deep depression and aware enough that she could not be a good mom to the child nor wanted to be tethered to this untrustworthy man forever via his co-parenting, and so she made the best choice and he doesn't respect her decision yet again! If this pov is accurate, then I could answer better, as I have been in a similar place and won't judge though I chose differently. Being stealthed is real. If she feels this is more manipulation, she should keep her boundary because the a** is the adulteress who told the girl/broke the adoption agreement
It seems like the cheating husband doesn't want the child around now that the adoptive mother has passed away. He should never have contacted her directly. He should have gone through a legal representative or a family member. He signed a legal contract and needs to live up to it.
Agreed with OP I just met my biological mother at 52 and it was the worst 5 min convo On the phone I ever had brought up a lot of past emotions and everything my suggestion would be to write a letter to her and send it to the ex after your kids are 18
She should provide the kid a letter and possibly a photo. The kid did not ask to be born; pity the mistress died and the father didn't, but dying is too good for him.
I have the feeling Mark wants to dump the girl on the LW. A clean cut and banning them in everything is the best option.
Just because this kid wants a mom doesn't mean the OP must be offered up for the role.
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NTA at all. I wonder how many of the people calling her an AH are from the "Pro-life, Pro-Adoption" camp? When you give up a child for adoption, you get to set the rules, and she did not elect to have an open adoption. It is very sad for the daughter who is totally caught in the middle, being raised by a cheating AH and his mistress/wife. And she is well within her rights to be curious and want to meet her biological mother, and her biological mother is well within her rights to refuse. The OP could write her a letter explaining the history and mail it directly to the daughter, so it cannot be intercepted by the dad. Or she could let things lie and not tarnish the reputation of the father the daughter loves and mother she mourns. If she meets with the daughter she would tell her the whole story, and possibly that would be more damaging to the life she has now than not meeting her biological mother at all.
I think as adults, we do owe the children we bring into the world something. This child feels the need, like almost all children, ti connect with her parent. As adults, we need to put the best interests of children before our own feelings. Letters might be an appropriate way at this time, to allow OP to choose her words and what she shares. Also I do understand op's feelings, do this might be the least impactful way for her too. Ideally, sharing a few facts over what happened, without sharing the emotional impact on OP (the child does not need that added burden, that's an adult problem). Let her know you aren't ready for a relationship, but cared about her enough to ensure she was raised by someone who loves her and that you genuinely wish her happiness. (I too wonder if the details of this story are true)
I'm sorry, how do you figure that introducing this kid, who has just lost her mom, to a woman who has 0 interest in her, has never had interest in her sir and had so little interest that she gave up her parental rights is going to be beneficial for the child? How do you figure that's gonna be what's best for the kid?? Because I don't see it.. This child needs love and caring and understanding and that's not something this woman has to offer.
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100% YTA. People give up children for all sorts of legitimate reasons. But outside of child rape and similar trauma,* parents, biological or otherwise, have responsibility to the child. I am talking about ethics and decency, not legal and financial perogatives. Given that it is unreasonable to expect a child, even an adult child, not to want to know their origins and be loved and accepted by those who brought them into the world, it is the responsibility of the *parent* to *suck it up.* The parents created the situation, not the child. Popular opinion or not, I don't care whether you are a sperm donor, gave up your child for adoption, or divorce BS, it is the parents' moral responsibility to care for the child. I don't care what legal mumbo jumbo a person comes up with or if a donor fathered 100 kids. It's utter ridiculousness to let the child shoulder the emotional responsibility for the parents' disfunction. Biological, adoptive, foster, disengaged... it is on the parents. *Roe v Wade. Nuff said. If you keep a baby for religious reasons, YOU are responsible for the childs well being, even if you put them up for adoption. Because humanity.
I just feel like all of the adults in this situation are the assholes. I have a 3 month old and I can't wrap my head around someone not loving their baby so it's hard for me to relate to this mother in any sense. And yes even though she signed her rights away she still is in fact a mother apparently capable of loving atleast some of her children. Meeting her child might actually heal her from her bitterness if she just met her and had the grace to give her daughter some closure. Because at the end of the day she's a child who did nothing wrong and she is hurting and that's all that matters really.
She is in no way legally tied to ye child and has the right bit to contact her
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It may just be my opinion, but OP willingly had sex with the father and if he hadn't cheated, she would have gone through with the pregnancy happily. I'm pro-choice, but I will never be on board with someone using their feelings about a different person as an excuse to want to get rid of a child they would have wanted if the guy chose to be with her. That poor baby had absolutely nothing to do with what her father did, but she dismissed her in the womb like garbage and dipped the second she was born. We vilify men who do that, why on earth are we saying it's okay for her to do? Seriously, switch sexes in this story. Man finds out that his partner is pregnant and is happy. Finds out she cheated, but she begs him to stay. He does on the condition that an amnio test proves he's the father. It does and he stays with her. Finds out she was still seeing the guy behind her back. In the delivery room he's there and announces that he's done and wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Still ok
So? No one CARES if you are okay with decisions that don't involve you.
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Sorry but this OP YTA big time! How is it the fault of the child that thw father cheated? What kind of person can just dump their baby? Just wow. I feel so badly for this child. l hope she can get therapy to help her deal with have such total jerks for parents.
My mother is a legitimate Hæg, this b***h reminds me of her so much. She basically abandoned her child, because she was too selfish and insecure to deal with the child's father and go ahead and raise her own spawn. I hope all of this women's children recognize the low life she is and disown her when given the chance to do so. What a piece of filth.
I'll probably get downvoted and banned for this, but what the hell. All the NTA people, you are horrible, horrible people. This has nothing to do with the history of the former spouses. This is about a kid who learned at some point about the fudge-up of the adults in her life. How can you have so little compassion for an innocent bystander of a problem grown ups created. I don't care whether the mother gave up the child, or if she was tricked, or if she still hates her ex's gut. The OP has the choice: wreck a child that had NOTHING to do with all of it a bit more or do the adult, compassionate thing and meet the kid, explain her reasons and help the child understand. You people are really something. No wonder the germans had so much support in ww2. Someone who is willingly and knowingly hurting a child to get 'revenge'? You disgust me. Grow up.
The girl is at a difficult phase of her life-- being a teenager and not having a mum to love and guide her any more. The OP can consider this an opportunity to do a good deed, rather than to assume the role of a mother, for this girl. If she doesn't want to bond with the girl, she could establish boundaries. Be a friend to the girl. After all, it's her flesh and blood
To a kid SHE NEVER WANTED. Are you nuts? That would be the WORST thing for the kid.
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Q What a horrible person with such horrible feelings. The poor child didn't ask to be born, I can't wrap my mind around at the fact that some women can just pop a child and don't love their baby, the OP is a worthless human piece of garbage. I hope never makes any kind of contact with that poor girl, she doesn't need to meet the nasty pile of human waste that s**t her to the world, she will be mentally safer if never, EVER, gets to know this disgusting "woman". With my apologies to all other women, this worm doesn't deserve to be considered human.
yta but not even for this but for giving your daughter away solely because you were unhappy with the father. Honestly a disgusting human being. I hope all your other kids know what filth they came from and abandon you in the future. Utterly trash
The mother is still so emotionally broken from what her ex-husband did, she punishes the daughter still, because you cannot punish the ex-husband. The mother's anger has no effect on the ex-husband. What if her new husband decides to cheat on her and leave her, will she then take her three children and leave them on the street and walk away to punish that husband? It is the mom who needs emotional and psychological help first, if she can forgive that ex-husband for hurting her, she can learn to love her daughter who is blameless in the situation. A daughter who just wants to know she is worth being loved by The woman who bore her. Having such hate and no compassion for your own child who only cries out to hear your voice to find some sort of healing for their heart ; rejecting that child the mother will result in a punishment in her soul that she will carry to her grave. But, thank God, healing can come to this situation. I pray for them all! We all want a heart that is full of peace.
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So any woman who chooses to give up an early unplanned unwanted child and then have kids later when they are ready is an automatic a hole in your book.
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This site is called "bored panda" for good reason! This issue is 2 years old how the hell is it newsworthy at this point?! This website needs to do better!
its just a clickbait website for bored people. its only goal is to get money. they dont care
Load More Replies... Yep, send the child a letter outlining medical information. I cannot understand how hating the father was leveled on this child. There are more issues here than just that. She has 3 other children that she apparently loves and cares for. I would HATE to be that 14 year old girl. My biological father didn't want me, but my mom didn't dump me on someone. Yeh, something isn't right here. What if her daughter looks just like her?
I think she needs to deal with the consequences. She had the opportunity to have an abortion and didn't. Just because you hate your ex doesn't mean you get to abandon your child. The OP is an AH. The husband is an AH. The "mistress" is honestly the best person here.
I disagree. Op wanted an abortion, he cohearsed her not to she agrees(manipulative AH) so long as agreed upon terms were meant. He didn't abide by that. Sorry. He and said dead wife are TA...she didn't need to share the fact she wasn't her bio mom, she chose to.
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All those shows on tv about adult adopted children who want to know their roots. They might but want a close relationship. They just have questions. How can you love your other three children and have so much hatred for your first? It is not about the parents. It is about the child. Who knows the bio mom dies soon and then the child will wonder forever. It's sad.
Most of the time when a child is placed for adoption it is not because the person hates the kid. Most of the time when a child is placed for adoption there is a full medical history on the birth mother.
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If you can read, she didn't want to keep the baby but mark coerce her into not aborting the baby. And she had a fresh start in her life with the new family with a wonderful husband who she feels loved enough to not only have 1 but 3 children.
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She wanted no reminder of the infidelity. If he wasn’t a manipulative lying a hole, the child would have been aborted and we wouldn’t be here.
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You do know what adoption means, right? There's no such thing as "Hell." 🙄
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I'm afraid you'd be surprised learning how many parents don't love their children. It's a situation that is usually not discussed openly, as a parent's (and especially a mother's) love is considered to be something that just happens naturally to every parent, and not feeling it is thought of as some kind of mental illness/evilness. Well, you know what? It's not. Some people just don't have it. Not because they are bad/crazy people, no. It's just how nature made them. It's genetics and brain chemistry, not a skill or a choice.
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Which is precisely why she doesn't want to meet her daughter...
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She literally said she does NOT want to meet the child.
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Only read the first two sentences already enough to downvote
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I'm annoyed by the person who said children who grow up without biological parents have problem. And that even if they're adopted at day 1 they still don't have "real" parents. As a person who was adopted at birth that hurts a lot. Even as a teenager I had no desire to meet my biological parents. My adopted parents ARE my real parents. The fact that my mom didn't birth me means absolutely nothing. She's my mom. That's all there is to it. Sorry for the rant. That just made me upset.
Also adopted at birth and I'm right there with you. My mom and dad are my REAL parents and my brother is my REAL brother. I did meet my birth mother and know how to get in touch with my birth father. But I never felt they owed me or I owed them that contact. It's just worked out for us. Each situation is different.
Load More Replies... To meet a woman who resents her existence will do the girl no good
This is in reply to Justin Smith (the reply button is missing from his comment)... Justin, would you say this about a birthmother who placed her kid for anonymous adoption? Be quiet, BOY, the grown ups are talking.
Load More Replies... With the state of mind OP is in, I'd say following the one poster's suggestion of writing the letter but also including necessary medical info is a good one. Then have a couple of trusted friends/family proofread it to be sure it isn't offloading all of the negative feelings towards Ex onto the kid. Then sit on it a couple of weeks and go back to it. As it sounds, OP isn't in any state of mind yet to have a direct convo with the kid and not cause damage. OP needs to sort through their own emotions long before that happens.
She can send that info directly to the child's doctor without having to send anything to the child. OP should *not* send anything with her contact info on it, including an envelope.
Load More Replies... Mark sounds incredibly manipulative ... So the cynic in me thinks he's is trying to guilt her into taking over parenting because he doesn't want the burden...
Gotta love the person who said "You never gave yourself a chance to bond with her!". At what point should she have made that decision? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years, then tell a 10-year-old girl, "Sorry, honey, I gave it the old college try, but it's just not working out." It's MUCH less damaging that she did it immediately rather than risk never bonding with her and letting the kid grow up with a parent who resented their existence.
Exactly. She knew in her heart that she would never really bond with this child. And she did the best thing. I have to respect that she let the child go to her father and admitted that she was incapable of being a mother to that child.
Load More Replies... Men do this all the time. Old joke * I don't have any kids...that I know of* hardy har har. No matter what women do with a pregnancy, its wrong. Abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. Someone will have a problem with it. Since she is never going to win, she should continue down her path, doing what is right for her. You know who makes that decision? She does.
I concur! Always gatta be grasping at pearls when *a woman confesses she doesn't want to be in the picture, but doesn't bat any attention when men do. Thats the generational truama, dear!
Load More Replies... NTA this woman carried and gave birth to a child she didn't want then gave her baby a family and home where she would be safe and loved. This is what adoption is and is actually the BEST thing this woman could do for the baby if she really didn't love or want her. It's sad that the girl's adoptive mother died but that doesn't mean that she suddenly becomes the kid's mother again. It's another example of stigmas against women that she "owes something" to this girl - no she gave her to parents she genuinely believed would give her what she needed. And considering there's a lot of countries (even some states of the USA) where abortion is illegal we have to agree that unwanted children SHOULD be allowed to have a chance at another family and parents who love them. And the biological mother should have the right not to be guilted or shamed for moving on with their own life once they have provided the best life they can to the child they don't want.
Exactly! I am a birth mother. I placed a child for adoption. I was looking at it from that angle. I didn't place for the same reasons that she did, but it's the same principle. I made a decision and no one really has the right to expect Me to do about face.
Load More Replies... Post was made 2 years ago, with this comment from OP: "She grew up knowing my ex's former mistress, and now wife, as her only mother. She didn't know I existed. I never wanted to give birth, my mental health hit rock bottom. I still remember how I day dreamed about getting hit by a truck and dying when I was 7 months pregnant. That's when I knew that I cannot be a mother to this child, ever. I approached my ex husband's mistress, who had just given birth and asked her if she wanted to adopt my child. She really loved my ex Mark, and agreed to adopt her. The day I gave birth (it was a C section), I didn't even look at her face. Once I was out of the hospital, I never looked back. She was already with her mother, her sibling and her father. If I meet her now, what will I tell her? What can I tell her? That being pregnant with her made me suicidal? I will have to lie about why I didn't want her."
I don't understand people who are saying that she is TA. She signed over her parental rights and another woman raised that girl so the mistress is the mother. Technically she was just a surrogate. Now would I myself do this? I don't know, I have never been in that situation.
One commenter even basically stated that giving up parental rights doesn't mean you have nothing to do with the kid! Uh, yeah, that's literally *EXACTLY* what that means!
Load More Replies... This doesn't pass the smell test to me. The "other woman", who was already pregnant by Mark, adopted Mark's other child? What was her story to these two kids before she "confessed that she wasn't her biological mother..."? That they were twins with different birth dates? Or did the baby the adoptive mother was carrying just disappear? Details are missing, because what's presented doesn't add up.
I think maybe the girl is grieving her mother and hoping to sort of replace her. She can't and it would make a relationship really difficult. Let the daughter heal. This isn't the time, if there is a time. Also, anyone else think the adoptive mother is a b**** for unloading that on her grieving child??
RIGHT!? SO few people are commenting on how AWFUL that woman was in burdening a 14 YEAR OLD with that baggage, especially since she knew EXACTLY how it all went down
Load More Replies... NTA. People only say she is because she's a woman. Honestly, the stigma of women who leave their kids or give them up when they know what's best for them means that she's an a*****e. Yet a man cheats on his wife, forces her to have the baby while still seeing the other woman & lying... is not the a*****e? She's NTA... he is.. a man leaves his family & cheats on his wife & nobody bats an eye. A woman gives up her parental rights because she knows she cannot & will not be a good parent is someone the demon here? Make it make sense. She didn't up & leave like a lot of men do. She wants to abort the baby but was convinced not to by the very man who betrayed her. Now he's trying to guilt her into meeting a child she gave up when she has already been thru enough is sickening. He's an a*****e thru and thru . Yes, it sucks for the child. But the child lost her mother already. Why put her thru meeting a woman who didn't want her? That's just cruel.
*THIS* Is why men need to stay out of the laws around our bodies. Come, lets conversate about generational truama on each sex, but the laws on force birthing is not it.
Load More Replies... Is she really TAH here... She clearly wanted to abort the child but was cohearsed by her ex not to, he begged her. He made the bed he layed on. Decided his wife wasn't enough, cheated had a baby with said cheater....It's on him...Well....Clearly NTA. She made it perfectly clear her stance, her ex needs to respect that. Her mother pulling that drama on her death bed, not ok. She should have taken it to the grave. To those saying STA no.... She is not. She did what she needed to. He broke her heart, he begged her to carry said child (as he constantly cheated on her), they had an agreement, he and his wife fell through.
I also wonder why the cheating ex and his wife didn't tell the child that she was adopted from the beginning. They should have been upfront and honest. Apparently he was afraid she would find out that he's a lying, cheating coward who caused the problem in the first place.
Load More Replies... Ok so this is actually a difficult one because me personally I could never give up my child regardless of what my ex did. That being said I feel that the OP did the right thing in giving the child to the father - especially after not feeling anything but resentment after giving birth. It is so much better to give a child to a family that wants it than to expose it to resentment and harsh emotion out of a sense of obligation. I feel really bad for the daughter, but this woman spared her unkindness and resentment. I think that medical information should absolutely be sent, but other than that I feel that meeting her daughter would further injure her daughter's heart. NTA
See, the keyword from you was "personally" and that's the issue I have with so many of the YTA takes, they are projecting their choices on her and attempting to manipulate her into doing what they THINK they would do.(clearly you are not doing that)
Load More Replies... If I sign away my parental rights.... I legally mean it! So don't contact me years later.... There has to be more protection for the host mother in these situations. Mistakes shouldn't follow you around your entire life. I wish this woman well
Are you kidding? Of course those self-righteous pricks want mistakes to follow a woman around for her whole life. They take away her right to an abortion, then take away her right to give up a child for adoption, so they can punish her for not "keeping her legs closed". And that is a direct quote from an anti-choice d******d. If it was about the welfare of the child, the powers that be would do everything they could to find the biological father and make him pay support, rather than rely on welfare.
Load More Replies... While I feel bad for the kid, I kinda can understand the mom. She stated Very clearly that she wanted to abort the baby and only kept her because her ex begged, then discovered the ex was STILL with his side piece. I'd be profundly hurt, furious and mentaly not Fine about It, probably even years after the fact... He swore he'd change on the condiction she did something she clearly did not want and then broke his side of the accord. As awful it is to think about a pregnancy as a bargain, this is it on this case
Anyone saying she's the AH, she wanted to abort but the cheating husband wouldn't allow it WHILE continuing to lie to her the entire time she was pregnant. She is not responsible for his actions and not responsible for the mistress exposing the truth on her deathbed. OP was a surrogate at most, and no one would be angry at a surrogate for not taking responsibility of the child just because something bad happened to the legal parent(s).
The girl is clearly grieving her real mum (her adopted mum who raised her) and is trying to fill that role with her bio mum. Her bio mum isn't going to be able to fill that 'mum' role that the girl wants. There is only going to be extra grief for the girl - she will feel bad initially that bio mum doesn't want to meet her, but so much worse if she gets all excited about a one off meeting with bio mum, who then rejects her.
People's lives are full of loose ends. Nothing will change that. I agree with lots of the people saying maybe write a letter with medical information and leave it there for now. She didn't ask to be born but life happens. Everyone has things they have to deal with. Nothing is ever ideal. OP essentially was a surrogate. It's not a nice situation but that's life! (Edit: also let's not forget how he talked her out of an abortion.)
I don't think she's the a*****e at all. She did was was right for her and the child when she signed her rights away when she was born. I understand the girl being curious to meet her bio mom now but I think it might also do more harm than good at this stage.
NTA.. It's in the best interest of you and the child to never meet. She's traumatized and looking for a mom. You are not prepared to be that for her. It gave up a child for adoption. Not for the same reasons as you, but but I would not want him to come into my life and expect me to be mother. And I don't blame you.. You can just explain and tell him that no, it's not in her interest to meet you because you're not Her mom. You are not and cannot fill that void.
I respect this woman for sticking to her wishes, but I do wish women would quit not listening to their gut feeling and let a man coerce them into continuing an unwanted pregnancy
Funny story, I moved away from my Bio father when I was 3. I have grown up just fine with a man who I know is technically my step-dad but to me is and always will be my Dad. It hasn't messed me up one bit. To be fair, I don't want anything to do with my Bio father either, so it's a lil different but to the commenter saying you have to grow up with both bio parents I argue that that's incorrect.
Also recall that OP wanted to get an abortion, and Mark said no. That's BS, she tried to make a responsible decision and Mark ruined that. That other woman gladly took over the role of mom and I'm sure took good care of that child. Now OP is more mature and in a better relationship, which is probably why she's comfortable having kids with her current spouse. Sending Medical information would be a good idea, but apart from that if OP has no want to see the child, I don't think that meeting would do the kiddo any good anyways. Imagine meeting with someone who birthed you only to find out they resent you. I think that would be much worse than knowing you have/had 2 loving parents.
Load More Replies... The amnt of ppl who think this woman owes this kid, who she has no ties to, SPECIFICALLY PUTTING HER UP FOR ADOPTION CUZ SHE WAS NOT READY FOR KIDS AS SHE HAS STATED IN THERE, and deeply torn by the father? Grow up u guys. She doesn't owe her anything. Why the hell does it always fall back on the woman when ANYTHING happens. She doesn't want contact with her, she doesn't need to explain why. She was literally manipulated but that's not a good enough reason for any of u, if a child is put up for adoption, the birth mother owes them absolutely nothing. Most mothers get attached to their babies at birth, feeling the instant mother/child bond. She didn't feel it. End of damn story. She didn't feel a bond and doesn't feel connected. She doesn't owe the kid anything, leave her the hell alone.
The number of morons that thi k this woman owes the spawn jack is mind boggling. She owes them NOTHING. She is NOT her mom. She is NOT and has never been a part of her life beyond incubating the kid. Stay far, far away from that dumpster fire and if the ex contacts you again send a cease and desist and no contact order.
I think some people don't get that this isn't about revenge on Mark or malice towards the child. As a person you don't owe ANYONE your comfort. That girl was raised by her parents who hopefully gave her the love she deserved. Blood isn't what makes a family, and op isn't depriving her of a relationship that doesn't exist.
My question did the father explain the circumstances as to why her biological mother left. That he was unfaithful and the biological mother was not mentally prepared to care for a child that she had no emotional connection with. I get the impression biological mother had her own mental health issues to contend with. Him being unfaithful was just a precursor. She also stated she wanted a abortion. I am guessing said child feels like an orphan and wants an emotional connection to a mother figure. I feel sad for both.
The only thing the girl is entitled to is her medical history which she'll likely need as she gets older. I'm sure the girl will want to know why and the truth is far worse than not having contact.
I feel like the YTA crowd is just assuming what the ex told her is true. He lied about so much. He could be bringing her there to berate her or the daughter might not know at all. I think you should consider in the future meeting with her if she seeks you out but this whole situation screams of him losing the woman he could control and trying to manipulate the one he couldn't. Give her medical history, maybe a letter or something saying that you left because of the cheating and toxic environment, then if you're up to it, offer to meet her when she's an adult to discuss without the presence of your toxic ex.
Nah the YTA crowd is obvs a bunch of cookie cutter perfect world AHs who want to pin the blame on the woman who decided to give up her kid got her own valid reasons. I'm tired of these kinds of mfs who treat women like subhumans cuz they decided to do smth they felt was best. If she aborted they would've rallied and been a bunch of wholehearted right winged pigs about it as well. Why the hell do ppl assume u have to take care of some kid u don't want, u don't have a bond with, u aren't stable to care for or u don't have money to care for them? It's so stupid jfc those ppl need to grow up.
Load More Replies... Not in the least TA. She was coerced to have the child, gave her up at day one. Baby was adopted. As someone who went through almost word for word the same pregnancy, i chose a separate adoptive couple who tried for 2 decades to have a family unsuccessfully. I'm willing to meet her when she wishes to but i understand that not everyone is in the same boat. She was a surrogate and the woman who raised her was her mom. Anyone who is saying she's in the wrong for making the responsible choices that she did...all i can say is i hope they don't have children so they don't pass their intolerance, self-righteousness and stupidity on to the next generation. OP gave her her best start to life knowing that she couldn't care for her without resenting her which takes incredible strength. If meeting her now will tear down 14 years of rebuilt mental stability not meeting her is the right choice for her.
She is so NTA and all those projecting Hallmark commercial YTA replies are infuriating. It's inevitable some people can't wear any shoes but their own and see this from a perspective beyond their emotional "well I would NEVER" pearl clutching. They'd rather a child suffer emotional trauma than admit not every woman has a Disney magic script childbirth complete with a touching musical number. She did the right thing in this instance; she had zero connection to the kid and gave her up to a family that DOES, that love her and took care of her. There's nothing wrong with that. At most she could do as suggested and share her medical history, but by NO means does she need to complicate this kids life getting involved. It's the ex who shouldn't be messing around with lives AGAIN and possibly giving this kid who lost her mom the idea that she has a "second replacement mom" out there. No, she had a surrogate. You can't force someone to love somebody they don't.
Bravo for making such a difficult decision, he made his bed and now he can live with it. Biology does NOT make a parent, the girls mother passed and shame on her for being weak and telling her she wasn’t her mother. You made the best decision for you and you have stuck to it through the years, haters gonna hate but who cares.
NTA. I really wish she had terminated the pregnancy. Behind her husband's back. Because, when I was reading the story in the begining, I said: As a person that was told. Her mom is not her mom. This is a more difficult situation because your bringing a 3rd person in it. Kids who suddenly find out that they're not the biological child of a couple or person. Will try to meet their birth parent. But, since that's the past. I think everyone here needs serious therapy. That girl needs therapy. Because, she will be highly confused why her mom is not her biological mom. Besides DNA doesn't make you a parent. It is the one who was there nurturing. Since we don't know how was her relationship with her adoptive mom. Maybe it was nurturing or maybe it wasn't. I have friends who are adopted that say I don't need to look for or meet my biological parents. Because, my adopted ones are my real family.
The child’s desire to meet you is likely the gap she is feeling in her heart because she is now motherless. Difficult situation. Share your medical information and close it down as even though YNA it is still going to be heartbreaking for her. Do your best for the children you have now. The child is living with at least two people in her household who are in direct family relationship with her. They will have to find a new way to bond without their now deceased mother.
Oh, NTA!! I totally understand the not wanting any part of this childs life. She knew she wouldn't be able to be her mother. What she could do is write a letter to the little girl explaining that you leaving was due to no fault of her own and that she did nothing wrong and to not ever think that. Explain that she had a mother who did love her unconditionally and that you are sorry she lost her, but that at least she has those wonderful memories. I'd also include any pertinent medical history and perhaps some genealogy back ground if you know it.
Those are wise words! The girl is only 14 years old and she needs a healed heart to become a whole woman! She does not need to know all the whole gory details just that she is blameless in the situation and that you wish well on her life and prosperity. Just by doing this that Mom's heart may be able to heal for giving that ex husband and loving the gift that God gave her, her first daughter. Even if it's loving her from afar.
Load More Replies... She was tricked out of having the abortion she wanted. The kid shouldn't exist, yet does because her father was a lying, cheating, scumbag who manipulated the letter writer with fake promises. She owes neither one anything. Not medical history (seriously, the man was her husband for years, if he doesn't have an idea of what her medical history is, he's worse than we thought) not a conversation, not a letter, nothing. I think Mark is trying to get a wife replacement, and the daughter a mom replacement. They're grieving and latching on like drowning people trying to climb a nearby swimmer. She should tell Mark to tell his daughter the girl had a "real" mother, and it wasn't her. And then block him and set all of her social media to private and unsearchable.
the people who say YTA are clearly either people who have never experienced and cannot begin to understand how traumatic childbirth is when you WANT the child or they are people who do grasp one if the most crucial points, which is that her step mother is in fact her real mother as far as everything is concerned. OP literally did nothing except carry the child to term. she willingly gave up the child after experiencing something so incredibly heartbreaking, I do not know how she even recovered from it, but I am so happy she did. She's fully justified in refusing to meet the child. as another commenter pointed out, a medical history (if there is anything crucial that must be known), is a good idea, but that is also solely up to OPs discretion. She owes the child AND her horrible ex absolutely nothing at all. Also, biological relations do not determine a 'real' parent. The parent that is there and sticks around and raises the child is the parent. you do not become a parent via genes.
I'd ask the OP if she felt/knew deep down that Mark got her pregnant with he intention of keeping them tethered together due to wanting his cake and eating it too. Manipulative and indecisive men do these things and if the mistress was pregnant first then may be partly why she wanted to abort and divorce. She was too far along to go back to her original plan when she discovered she had been tricked and betrayed again, so I understand she was in deep depression and aware enough that she could not be a good mom to the child nor wanted to be tethered to this untrustworthy man forever via his co-parenting, and so she made the best choice and he doesn't respect her decision yet again! If this pov is accurate, then I could answer better, as I have been in a similar place and won't judge though I chose differently. Being stealthed is real. If she feels this is more manipulation, she should keep her boundary because the a** is the adulteress who told the girl/broke the adoption agreement
It seems like the cheating husband doesn't want the child around now that the adoptive mother has passed away. He should never have contacted her directly. He should have gone through a legal representative or a family member. He signed a legal contract and needs to live up to it.
Agreed with OP I just met my biological mother at 52 and it was the worst 5 min convo On the phone I ever had brought up a lot of past emotions and everything my suggestion would be to write a letter to her and send it to the ex after your kids are 18
She should provide the kid a letter and possibly a photo. The kid did not ask to be born; pity the mistress died and the father didn't, but dying is too good for him.
I have the feeling Mark wants to dump the girl on the LW. A clean cut and banning them in everything is the best option.
Just because this kid wants a mom doesn't mean the OP must be offered up for the role.
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NTA at all. I wonder how many of the people calling her an AH are from the "Pro-life, Pro-Adoption" camp? When you give up a child for adoption, you get to set the rules, and she did not elect to have an open adoption. It is very sad for the daughter who is totally caught in the middle, being raised by a cheating AH and his mistress/wife. And she is well within her rights to be curious and want to meet her biological mother, and her biological mother is well within her rights to refuse. The OP could write her a letter explaining the history and mail it directly to the daughter, so it cannot be intercepted by the dad. Or she could let things lie and not tarnish the reputation of the father the daughter loves and mother she mourns. If she meets with the daughter she would tell her the whole story, and possibly that would be more damaging to the life she has now than not meeting her biological mother at all.
I think as adults, we do owe the children we bring into the world something. This child feels the need, like almost all children, ti connect with her parent. As adults, we need to put the best interests of children before our own feelings. Letters might be an appropriate way at this time, to allow OP to choose her words and what she shares. Also I do understand op's feelings, do this might be the least impactful way for her too. Ideally, sharing a few facts over what happened, without sharing the emotional impact on OP (the child does not need that added burden, that's an adult problem). Let her know you aren't ready for a relationship, but cared about her enough to ensure she was raised by someone who loves her and that you genuinely wish her happiness. (I too wonder if the details of this story are true)
I'm sorry, how do you figure that introducing this kid, who has just lost her mom, to a woman who has 0 interest in her, has never had interest in her sir and had so little interest that she gave up her parental rights is going to be beneficial for the child? How do you figure that's gonna be what's best for the kid?? Because I don't see it.. This child needs love and caring and understanding and that's not something this woman has to offer.
Load More Replies... 100% YTA. People give up children for all sorts of legitimate reasons. But outside of child rape and similar trauma,* parents, biological or otherwise, have responsibility to the child. I am talking about ethics and decency, not legal and financial perogatives. Given that it is unreasonable to expect a child, even an adult child, not to want to know their origins and be loved and accepted by those who brought them into the world, it is the responsibility of the *parent* to *suck it up.* The parents created the situation, not the child. Popular opinion or not, I don't care whether you are a sperm donor, gave up your child for adoption, or divorce BS, it is the parents' moral responsibility to care for the child. I don't care what legal mumbo jumbo a person comes up with or if a donor fathered 100 kids. It's utter ridiculousness to let the child shoulder the emotional responsibility for the parents' disfunction. Biological, adoptive, foster, disengaged... it is on the parents. *Roe v Wade. Nuff said. If you keep a baby for religious reasons, YOU are responsible for the childs well being, even if you put them up for adoption. Because humanity.
I just feel like all of the adults in this situation are the assholes. I have a 3 month old and I can't wrap my head around someone not loving their baby so it's hard for me to relate to this mother in any sense. And yes even though she signed her rights away she still is in fact a mother apparently capable of loving atleast some of her children. Meeting her child might actually heal her from her bitterness if she just met her and had the grace to give her daughter some closure. Because at the end of the day she's a child who did nothing wrong and she is hurting and that's all that matters really.
She is in no way legally tied to ye child and has the right bit to contact her
Load More Replies... It may just be my opinion, but OP willingly had sex with the father and if he hadn't cheated, she would have gone through with the pregnancy happily. I'm pro-choice, but I will never be on board with someone using their feelings about a different person as an excuse to want to get rid of a child they would have wanted if the guy chose to be with her. That poor baby had absolutely nothing to do with what her father did, but she dismissed her in the womb like garbage and dipped the second she was born. We vilify men who do that, why on earth are we saying it's okay for her to do? Seriously, switch sexes in this story. Man finds out that his partner is pregnant and is happy. Finds out she cheated, but she begs him to stay. He does on the condition that an amnio test proves he's the father. It does and he stays with her. Finds out she was still seeing the guy behind her back. In the delivery room he's there and announces that he's done and wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Still ok
So? No one CARES if you are okay with decisions that don't involve you.
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Sorry but this OP YTA big time! How is it the fault of the child that thw father cheated? What kind of person can just dump their baby? Just wow. I feel so badly for this child. l hope she can get therapy to help her deal with have such total jerks for parents.
My mother is a legitimate Hæg, this b***h reminds me of her so much. She basically abandoned her child, because she was too selfish and insecure to deal with the child's father and go ahead and raise her own spawn. I hope all of this women's children recognize the low life she is and disown her when given the chance to do so. What a piece of filth.
I'll probably get downvoted and banned for this, but what the hell. All the NTA people, you are horrible, horrible people. This has nothing to do with the history of the former spouses. This is about a kid who learned at some point about the fudge-up of the adults in her life. How can you have so little compassion for an innocent bystander of a problem grown ups created. I don't care whether the mother gave up the child, or if she was tricked, or if she still hates her ex's gut. The OP has the choice: wreck a child that had NOTHING to do with all of it a bit more or do the adult, compassionate thing and meet the kid, explain her reasons and help the child understand. You people are really something. No wonder the germans had so much support in ww2. Someone who is willingly and knowingly hurting a child to get 'revenge'? You disgust me. Grow up.
The girl is at a difficult phase of her life-- being a teenager and not having a mum to love and guide her any more. The OP can consider this an opportunity to do a good deed, rather than to assume the role of a mother, for this girl. If she doesn't want to bond with the girl, she could establish boundaries. Be a friend to the girl. After all, it's her flesh and blood
To a kid SHE NEVER WANTED. Are you nuts? That would be the WORST thing for the kid.
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Q What a horrible person with such horrible feelings. The poor child didn't ask to be born, I can't wrap my mind around at the fact that some women can just pop a child and don't love their baby, the OP is a worthless human piece of garbage. I hope never makes any kind of contact with that poor girl, she doesn't need to meet the nasty pile of human waste that s**t her to the world, she will be mentally safer if never, EVER, gets to know this disgusting "woman". With my apologies to all other women, this worm doesn't deserve to be considered human.
yta but not even for this but for giving your daughter away solely because you were unhappy with the father. Honestly a disgusting human being. I hope all your other kids know what filth they came from and abandon you in the future. Utterly trash
The mother is still so emotionally broken from what her ex-husband did, she punishes the daughter still, because you cannot punish the ex-husband. The mother's anger has no effect on the ex-husband. What if her new husband decides to cheat on her and leave her, will she then take her three children and leave them on the street and walk away to punish that husband? It is the mom who needs emotional and psychological help first, if she can forgive that ex-husband for hurting her, she can learn to love her daughter who is blameless in the situation. A daughter who just wants to know she is worth being loved by The woman who bore her. Having such hate and no compassion for your own child who only cries out to hear your voice to find some sort of healing for their heart ; rejecting that child the mother will result in a punishment in her soul that she will carry to her grave. But, thank God, healing can come to this situation. I pray for them all! We all want a heart that is full of peace.
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So any woman who chooses to give up an early unplanned unwanted child and then have kids later when they are ready is an automatic a hole in your book.
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Load More Replies... Yep, send the child a letter outlining medical information. I cannot understand how hating the father was leveled on this child. There are more issues here than just that. She has 3 other children that she apparently loves and cares for. I would HATE to be that 14 year old girl. My biological father didn't want me, but my mom didn't dump me on someone. Yeh, something isn't right here. What if her daughter looks just like her?
I think she needs to deal with the consequences. She had the opportunity to have an abortion and didn't. Just because you hate your ex doesn't mean you get to abandon your child. The OP is an AH. The husband is an AH. The "mistress" is honestly the best person here.
I disagree. Op wanted an abortion, he cohearsed her not to she agrees(manipulative AH) so long as agreed upon terms were meant. He didn't abide by that. Sorry. He and said dead wife are TA...she didn't need to share the fact she wasn't her bio mom, she chose to.
Load More Replies... All those shows on tv about adult adopted children who want to know their roots. They might but want a close relationship. They just have questions. How can you love your other three children and have so much hatred for your first? It is not about the parents. It is about the child. Who knows the bio mom dies soon and then the child will wonder forever. It's sad.
Most of the time when a child is placed for adoption it is not because the person hates the kid. Most of the time when a child is placed for adoption there is a full medical history on the birth mother.
Load More Replies... If you can read, she didn't want to keep the baby but mark coerce her into not aborting the baby. And she had a fresh start in her life with the new family with a wonderful husband who she feels loved enough to not only have 1 but 3 children.
Load More Replies... She wanted no reminder of the infidelity. If he wasn’t a manipulative lying a hole, the child would have been aborted and we wouldn’t be here.
Load More Replies... You do know what adoption means, right? There's no such thing as "Hell." 🙄
Load More Replies... I'm afraid you'd be surprised learning how many parents don't love their children. It's a situation that is usually not discussed openly, as a parent's (and especially a mother's) love is considered to be something that just happens naturally to every parent, and not feeling it is thought of as some kind of mental illness/evilness. Well, you know what? It's not. Some people just don't have it. Not because they are bad/crazy people, no. It's just how nature made them. It's genetics and brain chemistry, not a skill or a choice.
Load More Replies... Which is precisely why she doesn't want to meet her daughter...
Load More Replies... She literally said she does NOT want to meet the child.
Load More Replies... Only read the first two sentences already enough to downvote
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