“Kate Was Absolutely Terrible In Her Teenager Years”: Dad Doesn’t Pay For His 23 Y.O. Daughter’s Plane Ticket But Covers The Younger Daughter’s Ticket
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Every family is different despite the concept that we all go through more or less the same things. Probably a lot of us had to go through some hard times, especially when we were kids and teenagers, and we thought that our parents didn’t understand us or that we were adult enough to make our own decisions. The parent-kid relationship tends to change when we grow up, as, in a lot of cases, people realize that their parents only wanted the best for them and parents reach a point where they understand that it’s best for them to let their children go, explore the world, make mistakes and learn from them. But sometimes even when people grow up, their relationship with their parents sometimes hits a rough spot. Having this in mind, Reddit user @u/Minute-Common-6625 decided to share a situation that he had to experience which involved his 23-year-old daughter Kate. The man shared that while planning their family vacation, he asked his older daughter if she would like to join them and if so, she would need to buy her own plane ticket. While at first Kate was okay with this request, family drama ensued after she found out that her dad had booked a trip without her since he never received the required sum from her. Not knowing if what he did was right, the Reddit user decided to ask for other people’s opinions online.
More Info: Reddit
Sometimes maintaining a happy and healthy relationship with your kids can feel like a difficult challenge
Image credits: Ken Marshall (not the actual image)
The author of the post started his story by sharing that he has two daughters: 23-year-old Kate and 16-year-old Alexa. The man provided a little bit of background information about his family, revealing that his older daughter was a troubled kid, and so once she turned 18, her mom asked her to leave her house. This is why Kate then started living with her dad, Alexa, and OP’s girlfriend. He shared that now the 23-year-old works at a fast food restaurant and is saving up for her own apartment. For this reason, she lives rent-free at her dad’s house and doesn’t have to pay for any additional costs.
Reddit user revealed that his family’s peace was disrupted after his 23-year-old daughter didn’t agree to pay for her own plane ticket
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
The dad is also raising a 16-year-old, Alexa, who, as he presented, is the opposite of her half-sister Kate: she is a bright student who has a lot of extracurricular activities and is interested in many things, such as volunteering and sports. Knowing how hard she is working, the dad decided to plan a family vacation, this way honoring Alexa’s dedication. The man invited Kate too, asking her to pay for her plane ticket. The daughter agreed and so the dad then told her when he expected her to give him the money so he could book the trip. However, even after reminding her about the whole thing, OP never received the needed sum from his daughter.
The man lives with his girlfriend and two daughters, age 16 and 23
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
The man wanted to surprise his younger daughter by taking her and the whole family for a vacation
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
The man proceeded with his plan and booked the trip, sharing this news with the family over the dinner table. While Alexa was happy with the news, Kate told her dad that he would have to cancel the trip because she works on that date. The man told her that he won’t have to do that because she’s not going anyway, since she didn’t pay for her ticket. After hearing this, the argument started because the 23-year-old thought that her dad paid for her to go. However, the man didn’t see the need for this as his daughter works and could’ve paid for herself.
The man asked his older daughter if she would like to join, stating that she would have to pay for her own plane ticket
Image credits: Marco Verch Professional Photographer
The situation reached the point where OP found out that his daughter has been talking about this situation on her social media, making a TikTok video where she explained everything from her point of view that did not necessarily cover the truth. While the man’s girlfriend thinks he did the right thing by not paying, the man has now started doubting his decision, seeing how much negativity it has caused.
The man never received money from his 23-year-old daughter and proceeded to book the trip without including her
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
Bored Panda contacted the Reddit user to find out more information on the matter. The author of the post shared that he was surprised, revealing that he only posted this story as the situation didn’t allow him to sleep. Little did he know that people would get so interested in the whole story, sharing their points of view or even judgment. The man stated that he has an update on the situation; however, he did not yet want to share it, wanting things to fall back into place. He revealed that his daughter Kate has seen the post after seeing it on TikTok.
The daughter got so upset with the whole situation that she decided to share her side of the story on social media
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
The story that was shared on Reddit divided its users into two categories: those who thought that dad favored one daughter over the other and those who agreed with the dad and him wanting his adult daughter to pay for herself. Knowing that OP read these comments, we were curious to know what his thoughts on this were: “A lot of people were bringing their own personal family dramas and projecting that onto me. A lot of people assumed my daughter had autism or ADHD and said because they related to Kate and they have a mental health problem, Kate must have it too. I tend to ignore those opinions and focus on unbiased ones,” shared the Reddit user.
The man started doubting his decision and this is why he decided to ask others for help in seeing if he was right
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
To those who struggle to have a harmonious relationship with their kids, the dad explained: “In the beginning of your child’s life, you have to put in effort and give them love, support and encouragement. Once they are an adult, though, it now goes both ways. Once a child is now an adult, everything they do in their lives is their choice, you can only offer your opinion and support.”
What do you think about this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
Image credits: Sascha Kohlmann (not the actual image)
The story divided users online into two groups, those who supported the dad’s decision and those who thought that he was showing favoritism
Image credits: u/Minute-Commin-6625
Sooo, Kate said she wanted to go on the trip, said she would pay. But she never paid, said she can't come since she has to work, and wanted that everyone cancels the trip. Of course she did not want to pay, it was her plan all along to cancel last minute, so there would be no refund. If it indeed had been a scheduling issue, then she would have called her dad the moment she realised she could not come. And now she's pissed that her plan backfired.
Well, not really. The favoritism in this family is so toxic, and from what I read, this father made it pretty much impossible for her to go on this trip. He is clearly using this to reward one daughter and punish the other. He didn't really ever invite her. When you read between the lines you can see a 23 year old who has never been treated like part of the family and desperately wants to be included. There are always 3 sides to a story, each person's side and the truth. We are hearing 1 side, and from just the way he described his daughter and Kate (he never called Kate his daughter, only Kate, yet only called Alexa his daughter, huge red flag) I think there is a lot more to all of this and his version is far from the truth.
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How can anyone call this man TA. He has one child who is 16 and at school and under age, and one who is a 23yr adult living with him rent and expenses free. He had the discussion well before booking the holiday with the adult, who agreed to pay. They were reminded, and still didn’t. They then tried to manipulate the situation further by setting the underage daughter to feel pressured and bullied, and even ran an essentially fake gofundme. This is entirely on the 23yr no matter how people try it spin it “because of language used” or whatever else. He has not created a “toxic situation” in the family either, she has, despite his efforts to help her by fully funding her life while she saves for a flat. It blows my mind that people turn to reddit for advice on these things, because no matter what a bunch of couch psychiatrists are going to chip in and overlay their own personal issues just to add to the drama, because that’s what they read AITA for, their daily dose of drama and to feel important by offering their “advice”.
I don't see how people can think he is NTA?! I can guarantee that "Kate's" behavior has a lot to do with the very obvious favoritism she has probably endured for a very long time, along with depression, and unresolved trauma, and being remjnded about all her failings constantly. 1st red flag, the OP always called Alexa his daughter, and Kate by just her name. 2nd red flag, the way he described them. So, Kate had a hard time in her teen years. It sounds like she needed love, stability, and therapy. Why the he did he not try and get her help? Behaviors like that don't manifest for no reason out of the blue. Also, he said she was better, so why are the times when she was having trouble, and the OP was not the primary caregiver even bringing it up. 3rd Red flag, Kate lived with her mom, but Alexa has always been with her dad, which means he is much more involved in her life. Alexa also lost her mom, which usually causes the other parent to go overboard in trying to make up for the pain the child has gone through. I mean, did you all read what I did? Just the whole way he even described them, not 1 good thjng about Kate, not 1 negative about Alexa. This is a Golden Child/Black Sheep scenerio and extremely dysfunctional. I screwed up royaly when I was 19 and had some mental health issues and didn't have the best behaviors. My sister was stable as could be and never gave them any trouble, and my brother rebelled a bit in high-school, but nothing more. yet, if they were doing a family vacation where they were paying for 1 kid, they would ALWAYS include the others. They always said they will never use family vacatios, time, or holidays as punishment. Hell, they never felt they had to punish me, the instead got me the help I needed and supported me and never made me feel less than my sister or brother, ever. I am now a successful and happy member of the worldand take them on vacation. It is amazing what fair treatment, support, and unconditional love can do instead of comparison, put downs, and favoritism. This guy is definitely TAH! And for all the "she is 23 and Alexa is 16" people, that was never really the point the OP was trying to make. He never said that "she is an adult and we expect her to pay, as we would Alexa once she was 18" this is all about rewarding one daughter with a family vacation and agreeing the other daughter could come, but only if she paid as a punishment. I mean, he didn't even really include her in the 1st place. This dad is a douche!
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It's kind of gross that this guy repeatedly refers to Alexa as "my daughter", but Kate is only ever "Kate", sometimes even in the same sentence. Kate's reaction was way out of order, and it is not unreasonable to expect an adult child to pay for a trip themselves (though less so when they are still a dependent and not expected to pay for bills or rent perhaps), but I am getting major favoritism vibes and feel like there is a reason why Kate acted out so much whilst Alexa is clearly treated like the golden child. ESH but dad most of all. He should be helping his eldest with her issues like a good parent, not continually putting her down
Kate's behavior is a product of her environment, always being second, the black sheep. I hated the way that father talked about her.
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Teenagers don't rebel that hard without a reason. So the oldest had a tumultuous time in her teen years, kicked out at 18, and if I read correctly somewhere between 18 and 23 the mom died. That is a giant recipe for serious issues. Add on top that her sister is seen as a golden child, and her brain may or may not be finished developing. She didn't handle the trip thing well, but with that recipe would you expect her to? You can pull the tough love card, only when the person actually feels loved. If they don't, it just feels like cruelty. Round of therapy for everybody.
Hi Helena, I got the vibe that the girls have different mums?
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WHY the...... Are we burning brain cells reading this? I never got to go on vacation in my 20a because MY parents werent taking me places as ADULT. Most young people are already spending their money on trips around the world, I know this because I Know a lot of spoiled ones and ones who work just to have travel money
Well, my parents take all of us on trips as adults every year, including our spouses and kids as they have come along. It is our Christmas gift every year. Growing up we traveled out of the country about once a year, and had other smaller trips in between. It is something special to our family and a great way to spend time together exploring the world. The experiences, education, family time, and memories are priceless. They also never left out one of us because we were being difficult, having some problems, or past issues. The only time we had individual trips were our senior trips when we graduated high-school and college, or in my sister's case when she finished her apprenticeship (she is a carpenter). Family trips are to spend time together as a family and enjoy life, not a reward system. I have also traveled a lot paying my own way, and have taken them on trips. My husband and I also do this with our son for his Birthday, and will continue to do so as long as we can. And no, my parents and all of us kids are not super wealthy. We are between lower to slightly upper middle class. But instead of buying fancy cars, huge houses, boats, designer clothes and other material things, we all choose to spend our money money on travle and experiences, and that includes my parents taking us on trips.
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Ok, it sounds like the depression and trauma from the split or tension with her mom hasn't been resolved or even acknowledged. She acted out as a teenager but the younger is"perfect". I would bet that the younger had had a relatively calm and stable upbringing but the older is being tossed about and expected to just adult because she has a number attached to her. She's physically 23, but egotistical she's likely closer to 9, or whatever age dad left her with mom. There's more to parenting than room and board
True, there is more to parenting. But at 23 she is responsible for getting the help she needs to function. No one can make her see a therapist to deal with her mother's death. It isn't her father's responsibility to take care of her but he is allowing her to live for free and save money. I wish I had been given that luxury.
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I'm gonna say it...23 years old, she can pay her own damn ticket! It has nothing to do with favoritism, it has nothing to do with her past...she is an adult acting like a spoiled child. People say Kate had a hard time in her teen years, but nobody's addressing the fact that those hard times were due to her own actions! Her parents didn't make her cut class, steal, smoke, and barely become a high school dropout...she did. Looking at how believes that everything should be cancelled over her work schedule, shows a sense of entitlement. She cannot compare herself to a 16 y.o. child and anyone who believes that this man should pay for this ticket is about as delusional as Kate. My sister and I are 7 years apart, when I became an adult and we did family trips I paid my own way! I didn't expect my mother to pay for me because she paid my minor sisters way! I know parenting doesn't stop at 18, but it should be a clear start as to when their kid needs to take some self responsibility.
This. So many rich people problems here. "Well my family always pays for our annual vacation even though I'm 30." Well good for you. That's not how most families work. The older daughter is an adult, making money, living rent free and cost free (per op). She had to pay for her own way on a cheap deal. Owwww the humanity! Then she lied and swindled stupid people on the internet to give her money for a trip. Ya, that isn't manipulate at all. Should the op just have set a date. Yes. However I read it as he tried to give his oldest the opportunity to pay and after reminders had to pull the trigger and book the trip. I'm assuming nobody else has family or friends that push stuff off to maintain control of the situation knowing that others are affected by their actions. The oldest needs to face reality. She's not a rich privileged person. She has a sh*t life, but it's on her to make it better. She works, great, she's saving (even better), she has family who loves her and supports her.
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Yes, there's clear favouritism shown in the language of how OP refers to his kids. I don't think it is fair to say a golden child/black sheep situation is to blame for Kate's behaviour - given Kate was apparently acting out before Alexa was even 11. If anything, it sounds like Kate's behaviour might be feeding Alexa's hard-working attitude with school, voluntary work, sports and clubs which could potentially burn Alexa out before graduation if she doesn't relax. The kid needs a break. The expectation that the working adult who's living at home rent free (though saving to afford a place of their own) would pay for a holiday trip with their parents and younger sibling seems reasonable, but I'd question much the ticket might have been - if it was going to seriously knock Kate's savings then I'd say it wasn't fair for OP to ask Kate if she wanted to join them on the trip in the first place. If the cost wasn't going to impact Kate's savings too much, NTA.
A major problem of being a parent is comparison, parent likes to compare their own child or other ppl children, and then tell their kid why can't you be more like so-so. Parents like that are all a-hole, i just goner turn around and talk back to them so if so-so jump off a building i should follow too. So a lesson for all you parents out there stop comparing your kids with anyone even sibling. The op here clearing see the younger daughter being better while the older one barely finish highschool. The op probably doesn't even realize himself but deep down he like his younger daughter more cause she more successful.
He is definitely TA! His favoritism is so palpable it is interesting so many people miss it. He did not mention 1 good thing about Kate, and not 1 negative thing about Alexa, and the only slight critisism he did have about her, was more of a compliment. Not to mention calling Alexa his daughter and Kate, just Kate. He also mentioned kate is doing good now, yet completely downplayed her accomplishments and kept bringing up her past behavior. It seems that he was not that involved with Kate and her upbringing, and was extremely involved in Alexa's, and that right there can cause a lot of pain for a child. He is using family time, love, and acceptance as a weapon. Kate didn't just develop her behaviors to be trouble for her parents. she has obviously been hurting for a long time and instead of getting g love, support, and help she gets put downs, comparison, and resentment. If you tell someone they are horrible enough, they start to believe it themselves. As far as the age thing, he never knew said that he felt Kate should pay because she is 23 and Alexa is 16. He did say many times it was about rewarding Alexa and Kate didn't deserve it, I mean, he didn't even really invite her in the 1st place. While I agree the way Kate handled this isn't the greatest, she isn't doing anything her own father isn't doing. He comes online and blasts hisnown daughter's behaivor to manipulate everyone into thinking Kate is a monster who doesn't deserve to be part of the family because it's pretty clear he doesn't want her part of the family. I hope Kate gets out and finds a wonderful therapist, learns to love herself and have a happy life with a healthy family of her own, be it a spouse and kids, or a group of friends that become family.
As a family therapist I am going to say you hit the nail on the head with this one. The parent is 100% the a*****e! It is very odd that so many people do not see the toxic dynamics and emotional abuse going on with this parent and their child. And yes, constant criticism, put downs, and favoritism are considered types of emotional abuse. There is a reason the child behaves the way they do, and it is classic problem child vs golden child behavior.
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YTA. Not only have you shown your older daughter that you love her less, you've created a situation where you've driven a wedge between your two daughters…who will be alive after you are gone and only have each other. Apologize to both and do a reboot. Cancel THIS vacation because its already been poisoned. Foster some good family time with lower stakes and lower cost, and rebuild the relationships in your family.
Did y'all miss the part where it said she lived with her mother until she was 18bwhen her mother kicked her out. The issues started there and started getting better after she moved in with him
Both are TA. Dad never got down to the unresolved issues and clearly showing favoritism. Also there's a difference in a 16 year old in school and a 23 year old with a job (living at home or not is irrelevant). When they're both over 18 with jobs (and out of school), then this would be a different response. Once they cross that threshold, you either pay for both or both contribute to trips. NTA for asking an adult child in helping contribute to a family trip. Definitely TA in regards how both daughters are treated and seen. Older daughter is definitely TA when she knew she'd been ask repeatedly and then lying about it on social media. You'd have to be pretty oblivious when you've been asked several times and then act surprised like you didn't know. Her reaction was immature and uncalled for.
Dad's the a*****e. The youngest is his amazing daughter. The oldest is just Kate.
YTA. op did not tell Kate when the vacation takes place so she didnt know she had to pay already or till when she had time to save up. she also could not plan her work schedule accordingly. Op obviously favors one daughter. it does not matter kate is an adult. to give one daughter a trip and to the other nothing is not fair
The dad told her to pay before Halloween and reminded her. She didn't. So she doesn't get to be in the loop about the date. I doubt he sprung it on her on October 25th or something forcing her to have to play the guessing game you're assuming
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I just wonder if what she said on social media was really 'lying'. Maybe what she said was accurate and op just doesn't see it that way.
I don't think the truth in this scenario would result in people giving her $500
Load More Replies... Quick PSA. Down votes get people banned. They are not dislike buttons, they are a reporting tool used to report harrasment, hate, and spam. BP does not review the comments, ot is automated and people will get a message saying they are banned for suspicious activity Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they, or you should be banned. Please save the down votes for the posts and users who deserve it and upvote any negative counts that don't fall unto hate, harrasment, and spam.
Then why do the three 'more' dots offer a report function? The way you describe used to be true, but I think they updated it
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I love how people say their kids were/are horrible, completely forgetting they had or at least should have had a role in raising them, including caring and supporting them if they struggled.
I almost can’t believe this. Because Kate was a troubled child, now that she is working and improving, you dump on her. This is not how a troubled child grows into a stable functioning adult. You should’ve never asked her to pay for her own ticket. She’s living with you for free, but is presumably saving money to acquire independence. this makes dad an AH and a very poor father. As an added note, since you didn’t get along with the natural mother, why did you expect Kate to be OK there? I don’t know anything about that situation, but it does make me wonder.
.... on one hand, Kate is an adult living there for free while working. She should be able to afford her own tickets to whatever vacation if she truly wanted to go. On the other hand, the way this post is worded tells be that the family dynamics between them all is strained and chances are Kate is often treated as the odd man out and ignored or made light of. She shouldn't have posted untrue statements about the situation and made a volitile situation infinitely worse and public no less, but I feel like the relationship between the family (or lack thereof) is the real root of the problem.
23y/o lives RENT free in OP's house, is told to buy her ticket for holiday - just her ticket, not 1/4 of hotel,etc, JUST HER TICKET, was reminded to and she did NOT. An adult opted not to buy a ticket for a trip and wants the trip to be cancelled? That is 100% on the adult child. She didn't buy the ticket BECAUSE the other daughter got it for free - she did it because she has no follow through. She has a lot of nerve demanding the trip for 3 others be cancelled because SHE FAILED TO DO WHAT WAS ASKED OF HER. <~~~ that is the issue at hand.
one Is a minor, one is not. The minor of course would not have to pay for a trip,the adult Daughter should not be expected to be paid for especially if they’re kind of a jerk. That said, when I was 23 there would be no way that I could afford a trip like that so the dad hast to know that and he’s kind of a jerk too for not trying. Obviously he has the funds.
I have a 23 yr old(m) and a 19 yr old(f) living at home. Each very different. My 23 yr old doesn't work and my 19 yr old did up till a few months ago. I'm not rich we all live off my Social Security. In this story Kate's behavior can be called out because it's so blatantly obvious. A 23 yr old "adult" who really isn't an adult. She's acting out like a very young teenager. Kate's mom didn't die just threw her out at 18 because her Mom didn't want to deal with her bad behavior. How sad. Dad takes her in and does what he feels is right. We don't know the full back story. Alexa's mom dies and she gets a stable parent. If Kate is anything like my 23 yr old all you can do is offer things and hope something clicks. Sometimes you gotta wait for them to reach their adult mind at 25. This is a family in crisis. A family that needs counseling. While some feel Kate is an adult consequences be damned. Kate is chronologically an adult emotionally and brain wise still a child.
YTA not only for your favoritism, but not coming up with an arrangement your older daughter could live with, pay for half the ticket or DAD you could pay for the ticket with agreed payment arrangements if you insist on treating your daughter like this. I hope Kate finds someone she can rely on. It certainly isn't her parents
I wonder if the parents had a nasty divorce while Kate was a pre teen or teenager. That may have really messed her up at a time when her hormones and emotions are so difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances. She may blame herself for the divorce and was acting out as a result. It’s good she is doing better and working hard but it sounds like she has a low paying job so I would have either paid for her because she is part of the family and can’t afford it or at least paid 1/2 or offered her the chance to pay me back in installments as she got paid. Dad is legally right of course but I think better communication and a bit more compassion could have gone a long way toward having a healing and happy family vacation. Instead the sister and parent relationship may be severed permanently all for the cost of a plane ticket. My own daughter is 27 and I’d still take a bullet for her even if she wasn’t the perfect child. ❤️
You are definitely the AH! YOUR child was a black sheep in her teenage years living with her mum but is now coming good? How about reward her for turning her life around? Fair enough it’s not the dream you wanted from her but she is working hard for minimal pay. Show her some love and forgiveness FFS. DOUCHE BAG DAD!
NTA. Why is it favoritism? Because he chose a well behaved daughter who's UNDERAGE and still in his care over an ADULT daughter who is doing better but was rebellious in her teens. Oh well, circumstances change. Kate obviously didn't do so well in her teens and Alexa did, so what? Boo hoo- it's always trauma and triggers, and blah blah. This generation is so full of marshammalows its so sad, everyone gets easily offended for everything, it makes me feel ashamed of being part of this generation. And before anyone says anything, yes, I've gone through trauma so stfu, everyone is DIFFERENT, isn't that what society keeps preaching? Dad obviously has two DIFFERENT daughters. You are supposed to treat them differently and he's not neglecting anyone, she's an adult and the other one is underaged. Why is everyone holding dad accountable for the actions of Kate? She said she was going to pay, because as an adult that's what you do, you pay for things. She never paid for her ticket.
So either she didn't want to go in the first place or she feels entitled to do whatever she wants. The fact that she's lying on social media to gain sympathy makes me thing it's the latter. Everyone now days keeps thinking that being underage is til like 28, grow up people. Sometimes we get unfortunate events in our lives and some handle it better than others, everyone has a will, so as long as you can breathe, y'all can make decisions. I believe Kate should go to therapy and so does dad, to help her with whatever trauma she's got going on because he is her father. But don't confuse father with guardian, she's an adult, she's able to make her own decisions and so can he. He should support his daughter emotionally if he can BUT he is NOT require to support her FINANCIALLY anymore.
Load More Replies... NTA. All these people don't make sense. They want both daughters to be treated the same when they are obviously not the same. They are two different people. It's not favoritism. I have no idea how Kate grew up and how different of an environment it was from Alexa but oh well, life ain't fair. Kate has her will as so does Alexa. And if Kate is an adult, she needs to be accountable for the decision SHE makes. No one forces anyone to do anything. You make life the way you make it. People are gonna probably talk about trauma and whatnot, boo hoo- own it! This generation is full of marshmallows and I feel terrible being part of it. Everyone get offended by everything now days. It's always about me, me, me and me. All of you need to shut the hell up and stop criticizing OP, I want to see you raise a rebel child and a well behaved child and treat them the same and see how that works for you. KATE IS AN ADULT. People believe adulting now days is til 28. Good job for standing up for Alexa dad.
The older I get the more I see how people value family differently than myself. Him and I are clearly not compatible with family values. I also would never not pay for my children, only if I truly could not come up with the money myself. As a parent myself, I vote that he is TA. Even with the daughter's reaction. I watched my husband's family love him with conditions, it is so heart breaking to watch.
She was a working adult, she agreed to pay, she didn't. So too bad she doesn't get to go. That's life....get over it.
NTA, there is no reason for you to feel badly. Inform Tic Tok about the fraudulent request for money, go on your vacation, and stop allowing arm chair mental health counselors to make decisions on how you raise your family. Good luck to you all!
Dad is ESH. But Kate is totally TA. Her problems with her father are his and hers. She had no right to blast her sister a CHILD on social media. If it's between her and her father, what was the point in throwing her little sister to the wolves? SHE didn't make any of the decisions either Kate or the dad made. She did it because she's misdirecting her jealousy at a child. Everyone in the comments are doing it too. I haven't seen one comment of concern for the 16 YEAR OLD GIRL who is being cyber bullied by her ADULT sister and her cronies. Not a peep about how that's the most assh*le thing you could do? Everyone is quick to label her as "the golden child," as if she chose that. As if that makes her automatically a horrible person for what? Being a high achiever? Having a better time in HS then Kate? How is ANY of that her fault? If you read this and all you can think about Alexa is "Well aren't YOU just the favourite!" Are projecting some serious jealousy.
I am the black sheep at my mother's house, and my younger sister is the golden child. She didn't choose to be the favourite. The last thing I want is her to feel guilty for receiving love. The issues of favouritism are not hers to deal with. Leave Alexa out of your little TikTok blasts, this is between Kate and Dad.
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Jesus f*****g Christ. The favoritism here is horrible. Also, if Kate works at a restaurant and is saving up for an apartment, there is no way she is going to be able to pay for this ticket. There is clearly trauma here that the OP is completely ignoring. YTA!!!
Definitely not the ah People obviously didn't read the entire story. You have given her a lot and she is not the one putting in. Please kick Kate out. She will make things harder on you and the rest of the family. She needs a clear message that it's time to grow up.
You started this little drama a long time ago. You let your oldest daughter live free at your house, but compare her with the other child. Your own writing indicates favoratism towards the younger kid. Is that why you put a price-tag on the older daughters trip? Because that is precisely what you did. And I have a funny feeling this isn't the 1st time younger daughter was favored over older daughter.
The very last comment has it right. This kind of dynamic needs family therapy. Something rotted pretty bad and needs to be fixed. And you can't durably fix this kind of thing without professional help. Kate might very well be the "patient child". The element of the family everyone think that needs fixing while it's the whole system that needs to be set right
Well...I think you are TA for the wording you chose to describe your daughters. If you had just said of course you're paying the way for your minor daughter but your eldest needed to pay her own way because she's an adult who makes her own money...fine, but you really f****d up with using language and evident sentiments that scream favoritism. You trying to destroy the relationship you have with your daughter over a plane ticket? Your reaping what you've sown.
Do you know what it's like to have parents who love your sister but only tolerate you? Your very own parents? You scream for love in any language you have available. Let's just keep lavishing gifts upon her little sister and see if older daughter straightens up.
Once your kid turns 18 years old, let alone 23, they are their own responsibility. This means that she should be a responsible adult and pay her own way. A 16-year-old is NOT a legal adult, and therefore the parent IS still responsible for their child. The 23-year-old acts like she's been spoiled and handed everything her whole life, especially since she is being allowed to live at her parent's house, rent free and without any responsibility. He made it clear to her that she has to pay her own way, which she agreed to, but then expected him to just pay her way for her. Now she's mad because she didn't get her way. Does this family need therapy? Probably. This whole thing could have probably been handled a bit better - the father went wrong when he claimed that this was a "special trip for his younger daughter," because that implies that the bit about it being a "family trip" is a bunch of BS. Nevertheless, we must strive to teach our kids responsibility and how to live without us.
I think him paying for the whole family but not Kate was a bit off and his comparison of Kate and Alexa was bound to attract the critics but I wouldn’t describe either of them as assholes but if pushed, Kate. He told Kate the conditions of her going, she agreed. It’s not even clear she knew he paid for everyone else but she didn’t address that issue. She whined instead about the dates, worst demanded that they be changed. She’s spoilt and manipulative. Not only would I not give in to her (even though I likely would have paid for her myself), after her GoFund, I’d be telling her it’s time to move out. Kate’s behaviour may have improved marginally but she doesn’t sound like a pleasant person and, as a parent, it’s fair enough if you don’t like your kid or want her living with you at 23. Kate has had enough chances. And she’s too old for « that’s not fair ».
It seems to me you almost got away with not paying because she was not able to come. Then, you wanted to stick it to her by letting her know you weren't paying for her. I don't blame her for feeling hurt. Seems to me you wanted to hurt her feelings since you didn't have to say anything, but you did. You did. You are the grown up. Anyhow, if you pay for one you have to pay for the other. My advise to you, get over what she did in the past. It seems you are stuck there and still want to punish her for it. Parents forgive. Good parents forgive.
He's wrong for,*checks notes* telling Alexa the date and telling Kate that the trip can't be cancelled because she has work when if she just bought her ticket the date wouldn't even be a problem??
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It's funny that people think parents are these super evolved beings that don't get resentful. It's clear that he resents all the heartbreak Kate has caused and her choices. He probably blamed himself and is relieved Alexa turned out fine despite loosing her mom. Asking for Kate to pay is probably part of her upbringing for him and a way to teach her. She is entitled and manipulative and he clearly is furious that's why he is using distancing language. I would be too. He is not TA. Not in a million years.
If he blames himself then he would be doing every he could to try and help Kate and make up for it. He doesn't blame himself. He probably over compensated with Alexa because she lost her mom. Your children are your children and when you become a parent you need to do what is best for them and not hold on to resentment. He had not 1 nice thing to say about Kate and not 1 negative thing to say about Alexa. The toxicity in this post is horrible.
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NTA - you explained that since Kate lived at home for free and had a job, she would have to pay her own way. She agreed to pay you, but didn't - so her not being allowed to go is now a shock to her? (The fact that she was a little b*tch when she was younger is completely beside the point). Alexa is a minor and therefore should not be expected to pay. And no - I don't think there's toxic favoritism here - I think he's treating both daughters as they have treated him.
OMG I'm stunned people think Your ADULT daughter should have free room, bored AND a free vacation your minor child has worked for and deserves. WTF? The kids a entitled little princess and believes she should be treated like a minor, a well behaved hard working minor any parent would be proud of. I admire your restraint dealing with her. the lying about how she's treated is icing on the c**p cake, she lied in her video because she knows damn good & well she doesn't have a leg to stand on is this argument. I'm assuming her mother probably gave her anything and everything she wanted or someone did, so she's just so spoiled she believes she deserves it from her dad even if she never earned it. She started out with "ok I'll get you the cash by Halloween" to I" deserve a free trip even though I can't go" she needs to grow up and stop using complete strangers to harass her family cause she don't get her way.
Dad is TA. So nany reasons why. I will name a few. Mention alexa. Alexas mother is dead. Well wouldnt that be Kates mother too? Or has kate been around dads many women. Another... Alexa is doing well want to show her gratitude. Well didnt dad just say kate is doing better? Why not show her graditude? Kate works at fast food. Any normal human being knows you dont make c**p for money at a fast food restaurant and how much bs they go through. Dad IS TA. Kate should just let that family go. Dad or girlfriend dont give a c**p about her unless they look good. C**p parental units. Conditional love is all i see.
This whole thing is TOXIC.....First she's an ADULT who can pay her way the other is a CHILD....SECOND you speak extremely highly of Alexa but with Kate u haven't said anything good about her beisdes she's doing better now....How the hell do u think she feels about you?..You do realize children are a product of their environment....YTA u could have paid the ticket when she didn't cuz she's your DAUGHTER and is a FAMILY vacation
I'm kind of in the same boat as Alexa. My half sister, not my dad's child gets free food, rent and babysitter(kids are now grown. I get the occasional good event, which is few and far between. Who gets the better end of the stick? I mean I chose the better life... But my sister has her life fully funded for the necessities. I am however the black sheep compared to my sister, since my mother loved my sister... and I haven't been arrested, no battery charge, no drug use, no children out of wedlock, not illiterate, not working in the home...
You are a piece of work, you know that? In a separate post, you said that women couldn't handle the responsibility of voting, and now you're throwing shade at single mothers, people who can't read, and apparently stay at home moms? Damn.
Load More Replies... The ones thinking OP is TA are deranged and entitled fools. You do you. YOUR the parent and your eldest lives off of you, I was taught that is called mooching. She won't get far. Your surprise fir the younger one doesn't EQUAL the amount the older one has mooched and felt entitled to living with you for free. If she is saving up tell her to put it in a joint account so you can SEE it and help if she Really is so innocent and worthy. My kids were the same, my son never paid one bill in his life yet Always needs money despite working here and there. He made mote than me one year and by the end of it managed to get all that I made and then some. Not anymore. It does not do anyone any good to be led by their kid. They get their way once and never let it go. It's your love that makes you doubt Yourself and your oldest learned to Manipulate you because of it. It Never works when the child learns to use your love as a sword against you. Life is Not supposed to be simple or easy. Do You, NTA
This has nothing to do with adulting. If it did the OP would have made a point to talk about how he is trying to teach her responsibility. This is all about rewarding the "Golden Child" and punishing the "Problem Child". That is the reason the OP is definitly TA!
Load More Replies... Sooo, Kate said she wanted to go on the trip, said she would pay. But she never paid, said she can't come since she has to work, and wanted that everyone cancels the trip. Of course she did not want to pay, it was her plan all along to cancel last minute, so there would be no refund. If it indeed had been a scheduling issue, then she would have called her dad the moment she realised she could not come. And now she's pissed that her plan backfired.
Well, not really. The favoritism in this family is so toxic, and from what I read, this father made it pretty much impossible for her to go on this trip. He is clearly using this to reward one daughter and punish the other. He didn't really ever invite her. When you read between the lines you can see a 23 year old who has never been treated like part of the family and desperately wants to be included. There are always 3 sides to a story, each person's side and the truth. We are hearing 1 side, and from just the way he described his daughter and Kate (he never called Kate his daughter, only Kate, yet only called Alexa his daughter, huge red flag) I think there is a lot more to all of this and his version is far from the truth.
Load More Replies... How can anyone call this man TA. He has one child who is 16 and at school and under age, and one who is a 23yr adult living with him rent and expenses free. He had the discussion well before booking the holiday with the adult, who agreed to pay. They were reminded, and still didn’t. They then tried to manipulate the situation further by setting the underage daughter to feel pressured and bullied, and even ran an essentially fake gofundme. This is entirely on the 23yr no matter how people try it spin it “because of language used” or whatever else. He has not created a “toxic situation” in the family either, she has, despite his efforts to help her by fully funding her life while she saves for a flat. It blows my mind that people turn to reddit for advice on these things, because no matter what a bunch of couch psychiatrists are going to chip in and overlay their own personal issues just to add to the drama, because that’s what they read AITA for, their daily dose of drama and to feel important by offering their “advice”.
I don't see how people can think he is NTA?! I can guarantee that "Kate's" behavior has a lot to do with the very obvious favoritism she has probably endured for a very long time, along with depression, and unresolved trauma, and being remjnded about all her failings constantly. 1st red flag, the OP always called Alexa his daughter, and Kate by just her name. 2nd red flag, the way he described them. So, Kate had a hard time in her teen years. It sounds like she needed love, stability, and therapy. Why the he did he not try and get her help? Behaviors like that don't manifest for no reason out of the blue. Also, he said she was better, so why are the times when she was having trouble, and the OP was not the primary caregiver even bringing it up. 3rd Red flag, Kate lived with her mom, but Alexa has always been with her dad, which means he is much more involved in her life. Alexa also lost her mom, which usually causes the other parent to go overboard in trying to make up for the pain the child has gone through. I mean, did you all read what I did? Just the whole way he even described them, not 1 good thjng about Kate, not 1 negative about Alexa. This is a Golden Child/Black Sheep scenerio and extremely dysfunctional. I screwed up royaly when I was 19 and had some mental health issues and didn't have the best behaviors. My sister was stable as could be and never gave them any trouble, and my brother rebelled a bit in high-school, but nothing more. yet, if they were doing a family vacation where they were paying for 1 kid, they would ALWAYS include the others. They always said they will never use family vacatios, time, or holidays as punishment. Hell, they never felt they had to punish me, the instead got me the help I needed and supported me and never made me feel less than my sister or brother, ever. I am now a successful and happy member of the worldand take them on vacation. It is amazing what fair treatment, support, and unconditional love can do instead of comparison, put downs, and favoritism. This guy is definitely TAH! And for all the "she is 23 and Alexa is 16" people, that was never really the point the OP was trying to make. He never said that "she is an adult and we expect her to pay, as we would Alexa once she was 18" this is all about rewarding one daughter with a family vacation and agreeing the other daughter could come, but only if she paid as a punishment. I mean, he didn't even really include her in the 1st place. This dad is a douche!
Load More Replies... It's kind of gross that this guy repeatedly refers to Alexa as "my daughter", but Kate is only ever "Kate", sometimes even in the same sentence. Kate's reaction was way out of order, and it is not unreasonable to expect an adult child to pay for a trip themselves (though less so when they are still a dependent and not expected to pay for bills or rent perhaps), but I am getting major favoritism vibes and feel like there is a reason why Kate acted out so much whilst Alexa is clearly treated like the golden child. ESH but dad most of all. He should be helping his eldest with her issues like a good parent, not continually putting her down
Kate's behavior is a product of her environment, always being second, the black sheep. I hated the way that father talked about her.
Load More Replies... Teenagers don't rebel that hard without a reason. So the oldest had a tumultuous time in her teen years, kicked out at 18, and if I read correctly somewhere between 18 and 23 the mom died. That is a giant recipe for serious issues. Add on top that her sister is seen as a golden child, and her brain may or may not be finished developing. She didn't handle the trip thing well, but with that recipe would you expect her to? You can pull the tough love card, only when the person actually feels loved. If they don't, it just feels like cruelty. Round of therapy for everybody.
Hi Helena, I got the vibe that the girls have different mums?
Load More Replies... WHY the...... Are we burning brain cells reading this? I never got to go on vacation in my 20a because MY parents werent taking me places as ADULT. Most young people are already spending their money on trips around the world, I know this because I Know a lot of spoiled ones and ones who work just to have travel money
Well, my parents take all of us on trips as adults every year, including our spouses and kids as they have come along. It is our Christmas gift every year. Growing up we traveled out of the country about once a year, and had other smaller trips in between. It is something special to our family and a great way to spend time together exploring the world. The experiences, education, family time, and memories are priceless. They also never left out one of us because we were being difficult, having some problems, or past issues. The only time we had individual trips were our senior trips when we graduated high-school and college, or in my sister's case when she finished her apprenticeship (she is a carpenter). Family trips are to spend time together as a family and enjoy life, not a reward system. I have also traveled a lot paying my own way, and have taken them on trips. My husband and I also do this with our son for his Birthday, and will continue to do so as long as we can. And no, my parents and all of us kids are not super wealthy. We are between lower to slightly upper middle class. But instead of buying fancy cars, huge houses, boats, designer clothes and other material things, we all choose to spend our money money on travle and experiences, and that includes my parents taking us on trips.
Load More Replies... Ok, it sounds like the depression and trauma from the split or tension with her mom hasn't been resolved or even acknowledged. She acted out as a teenager but the younger is"perfect". I would bet that the younger had had a relatively calm and stable upbringing but the older is being tossed about and expected to just adult because she has a number attached to her. She's physically 23, but egotistical she's likely closer to 9, or whatever age dad left her with mom. There's more to parenting than room and board
True, there is more to parenting. But at 23 she is responsible for getting the help she needs to function. No one can make her see a therapist to deal with her mother's death. It isn't her father's responsibility to take care of her but he is allowing her to live for free and save money. I wish I had been given that luxury.
Load More Replies... I'm gonna say it...23 years old, she can pay her own damn ticket! It has nothing to do with favoritism, it has nothing to do with her past...she is an adult acting like a spoiled child. People say Kate had a hard time in her teen years, but nobody's addressing the fact that those hard times were due to her own actions! Her parents didn't make her cut class, steal, smoke, and barely become a high school dropout...she did. Looking at how believes that everything should be cancelled over her work schedule, shows a sense of entitlement. She cannot compare herself to a 16 y.o. child and anyone who believes that this man should pay for this ticket is about as delusional as Kate. My sister and I are 7 years apart, when I became an adult and we did family trips I paid my own way! I didn't expect my mother to pay for me because she paid my minor sisters way! I know parenting doesn't stop at 18, but it should be a clear start as to when their kid needs to take some self responsibility.
This. So many rich people problems here. "Well my family always pays for our annual vacation even though I'm 30." Well good for you. That's not how most families work. The older daughter is an adult, making money, living rent free and cost free (per op). She had to pay for her own way on a cheap deal. Owwww the humanity! Then she lied and swindled stupid people on the internet to give her money for a trip. Ya, that isn't manipulate at all. Should the op just have set a date. Yes. However I read it as he tried to give his oldest the opportunity to pay and after reminders had to pull the trigger and book the trip. I'm assuming nobody else has family or friends that push stuff off to maintain control of the situation knowing that others are affected by their actions. The oldest needs to face reality. She's not a rich privileged person. She has a sh*t life, but it's on her to make it better. She works, great, she's saving (even better), she has family who loves her and supports her.
Load More Replies... Yes, there's clear favouritism shown in the language of how OP refers to his kids. I don't think it is fair to say a golden child/black sheep situation is to blame for Kate's behaviour - given Kate was apparently acting out before Alexa was even 11. If anything, it sounds like Kate's behaviour might be feeding Alexa's hard-working attitude with school, voluntary work, sports and clubs which could potentially burn Alexa out before graduation if she doesn't relax. The kid needs a break. The expectation that the working adult who's living at home rent free (though saving to afford a place of their own) would pay for a holiday trip with their parents and younger sibling seems reasonable, but I'd question much the ticket might have been - if it was going to seriously knock Kate's savings then I'd say it wasn't fair for OP to ask Kate if she wanted to join them on the trip in the first place. If the cost wasn't going to impact Kate's savings too much, NTA.
A major problem of being a parent is comparison, parent likes to compare their own child or other ppl children, and then tell their kid why can't you be more like so-so. Parents like that are all a-hole, i just goner turn around and talk back to them so if so-so jump off a building i should follow too. So a lesson for all you parents out there stop comparing your kids with anyone even sibling. The op here clearing see the younger daughter being better while the older one barely finish highschool. The op probably doesn't even realize himself but deep down he like his younger daughter more cause she more successful.
He is definitely TA! His favoritism is so palpable it is interesting so many people miss it. He did not mention 1 good thing about Kate, and not 1 negative thing about Alexa, and the only slight critisism he did have about her, was more of a compliment. Not to mention calling Alexa his daughter and Kate, just Kate. He also mentioned kate is doing good now, yet completely downplayed her accomplishments and kept bringing up her past behavior. It seems that he was not that involved with Kate and her upbringing, and was extremely involved in Alexa's, and that right there can cause a lot of pain for a child. He is using family time, love, and acceptance as a weapon. Kate didn't just develop her behaviors to be trouble for her parents. she has obviously been hurting for a long time and instead of getting g love, support, and help she gets put downs, comparison, and resentment. If you tell someone they are horrible enough, they start to believe it themselves. As far as the age thing, he never knew said that he felt Kate should pay because she is 23 and Alexa is 16. He did say many times it was about rewarding Alexa and Kate didn't deserve it, I mean, he didn't even really invite her in the 1st place. While I agree the way Kate handled this isn't the greatest, she isn't doing anything her own father isn't doing. He comes online and blasts hisnown daughter's behaivor to manipulate everyone into thinking Kate is a monster who doesn't deserve to be part of the family because it's pretty clear he doesn't want her part of the family. I hope Kate gets out and finds a wonderful therapist, learns to love herself and have a happy life with a healthy family of her own, be it a spouse and kids, or a group of friends that become family.
As a family therapist I am going to say you hit the nail on the head with this one. The parent is 100% the a*****e! It is very odd that so many people do not see the toxic dynamics and emotional abuse going on with this parent and their child. And yes, constant criticism, put downs, and favoritism are considered types of emotional abuse. There is a reason the child behaves the way they do, and it is classic problem child vs golden child behavior.
Load More Replies... YTA. Not only have you shown your older daughter that you love her less, you've created a situation where you've driven a wedge between your two daughters…who will be alive after you are gone and only have each other. Apologize to both and do a reboot. Cancel THIS vacation because its already been poisoned. Foster some good family time with lower stakes and lower cost, and rebuild the relationships in your family.
Did y'all miss the part where it said she lived with her mother until she was 18bwhen her mother kicked her out. The issues started there and started getting better after she moved in with him
Both are TA. Dad never got down to the unresolved issues and clearly showing favoritism. Also there's a difference in a 16 year old in school and a 23 year old with a job (living at home or not is irrelevant). When they're both over 18 with jobs (and out of school), then this would be a different response. Once they cross that threshold, you either pay for both or both contribute to trips. NTA for asking an adult child in helping contribute to a family trip. Definitely TA in regards how both daughters are treated and seen. Older daughter is definitely TA when she knew she'd been ask repeatedly and then lying about it on social media. You'd have to be pretty oblivious when you've been asked several times and then act surprised like you didn't know. Her reaction was immature and uncalled for.
Dad's the a*****e. The youngest is his amazing daughter. The oldest is just Kate.
YTA. op did not tell Kate when the vacation takes place so she didnt know she had to pay already or till when she had time to save up. she also could not plan her work schedule accordingly. Op obviously favors one daughter. it does not matter kate is an adult. to give one daughter a trip and to the other nothing is not fair
The dad told her to pay before Halloween and reminded her. She didn't. So she doesn't get to be in the loop about the date. I doubt he sprung it on her on October 25th or something forcing her to have to play the guessing game you're assuming
Load More Replies... I just wonder if what she said on social media was really 'lying'. Maybe what she said was accurate and op just doesn't see it that way.
I don't think the truth in this scenario would result in people giving her $500
Load More Replies... Quick PSA. Down votes get people banned. They are not dislike buttons, they are a reporting tool used to report harrasment, hate, and spam. BP does not review the comments, ot is automated and people will get a message saying they are banned for suspicious activity Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they, or you should be banned. Please save the down votes for the posts and users who deserve it and upvote any negative counts that don't fall unto hate, harrasment, and spam.
Then why do the three 'more' dots offer a report function? The way you describe used to be true, but I think they updated it
Load More Replies... I love how people say their kids were/are horrible, completely forgetting they had or at least should have had a role in raising them, including caring and supporting them if they struggled.
I almost can’t believe this. Because Kate was a troubled child, now that she is working and improving, you dump on her. This is not how a troubled child grows into a stable functioning adult. You should’ve never asked her to pay for her own ticket. She’s living with you for free, but is presumably saving money to acquire independence. this makes dad an AH and a very poor father. As an added note, since you didn’t get along with the natural mother, why did you expect Kate to be OK there? I don’t know anything about that situation, but it does make me wonder.
.... on one hand, Kate is an adult living there for free while working. She should be able to afford her own tickets to whatever vacation if she truly wanted to go. On the other hand, the way this post is worded tells be that the family dynamics between them all is strained and chances are Kate is often treated as the odd man out and ignored or made light of. She shouldn't have posted untrue statements about the situation and made a volitile situation infinitely worse and public no less, but I feel like the relationship between the family (or lack thereof) is the real root of the problem.
23y/o lives RENT free in OP's house, is told to buy her ticket for holiday - just her ticket, not 1/4 of hotel,etc, JUST HER TICKET, was reminded to and she did NOT. An adult opted not to buy a ticket for a trip and wants the trip to be cancelled? That is 100% on the adult child. She didn't buy the ticket BECAUSE the other daughter got it for free - she did it because she has no follow through. She has a lot of nerve demanding the trip for 3 others be cancelled because SHE FAILED TO DO WHAT WAS ASKED OF HER. <~~~ that is the issue at hand.
one Is a minor, one is not. The minor of course would not have to pay for a trip,the adult Daughter should not be expected to be paid for especially if they’re kind of a jerk. That said, when I was 23 there would be no way that I could afford a trip like that so the dad hast to know that and he’s kind of a jerk too for not trying. Obviously he has the funds.
I have a 23 yr old(m) and a 19 yr old(f) living at home. Each very different. My 23 yr old doesn't work and my 19 yr old did up till a few months ago. I'm not rich we all live off my Social Security. In this story Kate's behavior can be called out because it's so blatantly obvious. A 23 yr old "adult" who really isn't an adult. She's acting out like a very young teenager. Kate's mom didn't die just threw her out at 18 because her Mom didn't want to deal with her bad behavior. How sad. Dad takes her in and does what he feels is right. We don't know the full back story. Alexa's mom dies and she gets a stable parent. If Kate is anything like my 23 yr old all you can do is offer things and hope something clicks. Sometimes you gotta wait for them to reach their adult mind at 25. This is a family in crisis. A family that needs counseling. While some feel Kate is an adult consequences be damned. Kate is chronologically an adult emotionally and brain wise still a child.
YTA not only for your favoritism, but not coming up with an arrangement your older daughter could live with, pay for half the ticket or DAD you could pay for the ticket with agreed payment arrangements if you insist on treating your daughter like this. I hope Kate finds someone she can rely on. It certainly isn't her parents
I wonder if the parents had a nasty divorce while Kate was a pre teen or teenager. That may have really messed her up at a time when her hormones and emotions are so difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances. She may blame herself for the divorce and was acting out as a result. It’s good she is doing better and working hard but it sounds like she has a low paying job so I would have either paid for her because she is part of the family and can’t afford it or at least paid 1/2 or offered her the chance to pay me back in installments as she got paid. Dad is legally right of course but I think better communication and a bit more compassion could have gone a long way toward having a healing and happy family vacation. Instead the sister and parent relationship may be severed permanently all for the cost of a plane ticket. My own daughter is 27 and I’d still take a bullet for her even if she wasn’t the perfect child. ❤️
You are definitely the AH! YOUR child was a black sheep in her teenage years living with her mum but is now coming good? How about reward her for turning her life around? Fair enough it’s not the dream you wanted from her but she is working hard for minimal pay. Show her some love and forgiveness FFS. DOUCHE BAG DAD!
NTA. Why is it favoritism? Because he chose a well behaved daughter who's UNDERAGE and still in his care over an ADULT daughter who is doing better but was rebellious in her teens. Oh well, circumstances change. Kate obviously didn't do so well in her teens and Alexa did, so what? Boo hoo- it's always trauma and triggers, and blah blah. This generation is so full of marshammalows its so sad, everyone gets easily offended for everything, it makes me feel ashamed of being part of this generation. And before anyone says anything, yes, I've gone through trauma so stfu, everyone is DIFFERENT, isn't that what society keeps preaching? Dad obviously has two DIFFERENT daughters. You are supposed to treat them differently and he's not neglecting anyone, she's an adult and the other one is underaged. Why is everyone holding dad accountable for the actions of Kate? She said she was going to pay, because as an adult that's what you do, you pay for things. She never paid for her ticket.
So either she didn't want to go in the first place or she feels entitled to do whatever she wants. The fact that she's lying on social media to gain sympathy makes me thing it's the latter. Everyone now days keeps thinking that being underage is til like 28, grow up people. Sometimes we get unfortunate events in our lives and some handle it better than others, everyone has a will, so as long as you can breathe, y'all can make decisions. I believe Kate should go to therapy and so does dad, to help her with whatever trauma she's got going on because he is her father. But don't confuse father with guardian, she's an adult, she's able to make her own decisions and so can he. He should support his daughter emotionally if he can BUT he is NOT require to support her FINANCIALLY anymore.
Load More Replies... NTA. All these people don't make sense. They want both daughters to be treated the same when they are obviously not the same. They are two different people. It's not favoritism. I have no idea how Kate grew up and how different of an environment it was from Alexa but oh well, life ain't fair. Kate has her will as so does Alexa. And if Kate is an adult, she needs to be accountable for the decision SHE makes. No one forces anyone to do anything. You make life the way you make it. People are gonna probably talk about trauma and whatnot, boo hoo- own it! This generation is full of marshmallows and I feel terrible being part of it. Everyone get offended by everything now days. It's always about me, me, me and me. All of you need to shut the hell up and stop criticizing OP, I want to see you raise a rebel child and a well behaved child and treat them the same and see how that works for you. KATE IS AN ADULT. People believe adulting now days is til 28. Good job for standing up for Alexa dad.
The older I get the more I see how people value family differently than myself. Him and I are clearly not compatible with family values. I also would never not pay for my children, only if I truly could not come up with the money myself. As a parent myself, I vote that he is TA. Even with the daughter's reaction. I watched my husband's family love him with conditions, it is so heart breaking to watch.
She was a working adult, she agreed to pay, she didn't. So too bad she doesn't get to go. That's life....get over it.
NTA, there is no reason for you to feel badly. Inform Tic Tok about the fraudulent request for money, go on your vacation, and stop allowing arm chair mental health counselors to make decisions on how you raise your family. Good luck to you all!
Dad is ESH. But Kate is totally TA. Her problems with her father are his and hers. She had no right to blast her sister a CHILD on social media. If it's between her and her father, what was the point in throwing her little sister to the wolves? SHE didn't make any of the decisions either Kate or the dad made. She did it because she's misdirecting her jealousy at a child. Everyone in the comments are doing it too. I haven't seen one comment of concern for the 16 YEAR OLD GIRL who is being cyber bullied by her ADULT sister and her cronies. Not a peep about how that's the most assh*le thing you could do? Everyone is quick to label her as "the golden child," as if she chose that. As if that makes her automatically a horrible person for what? Being a high achiever? Having a better time in HS then Kate? How is ANY of that her fault? If you read this and all you can think about Alexa is "Well aren't YOU just the favourite!" Are projecting some serious jealousy.
I am the black sheep at my mother's house, and my younger sister is the golden child. She didn't choose to be the favourite. The last thing I want is her to feel guilty for receiving love. The issues of favouritism are not hers to deal with. Leave Alexa out of your little TikTok blasts, this is between Kate and Dad.
Load More Replies... Jesus f*****g Christ. The favoritism here is horrible. Also, if Kate works at a restaurant and is saving up for an apartment, there is no way she is going to be able to pay for this ticket. There is clearly trauma here that the OP is completely ignoring. YTA!!!
Definitely not the ah People obviously didn't read the entire story. You have given her a lot and she is not the one putting in. Please kick Kate out. She will make things harder on you and the rest of the family. She needs a clear message that it's time to grow up.
You started this little drama a long time ago. You let your oldest daughter live free at your house, but compare her with the other child. Your own writing indicates favoratism towards the younger kid. Is that why you put a price-tag on the older daughters trip? Because that is precisely what you did. And I have a funny feeling this isn't the 1st time younger daughter was favored over older daughter.
The very last comment has it right. This kind of dynamic needs family therapy. Something rotted pretty bad and needs to be fixed. And you can't durably fix this kind of thing without professional help. Kate might very well be the "patient child". The element of the family everyone think that needs fixing while it's the whole system that needs to be set right
Well...I think you are TA for the wording you chose to describe your daughters. If you had just said of course you're paying the way for your minor daughter but your eldest needed to pay her own way because she's an adult who makes her own money...fine, but you really f****d up with using language and evident sentiments that scream favoritism. You trying to destroy the relationship you have with your daughter over a plane ticket? Your reaping what you've sown.
Do you know what it's like to have parents who love your sister but only tolerate you? Your very own parents? You scream for love in any language you have available. Let's just keep lavishing gifts upon her little sister and see if older daughter straightens up.
Once your kid turns 18 years old, let alone 23, they are their own responsibility. This means that she should be a responsible adult and pay her own way. A 16-year-old is NOT a legal adult, and therefore the parent IS still responsible for their child. The 23-year-old acts like she's been spoiled and handed everything her whole life, especially since she is being allowed to live at her parent's house, rent free and without any responsibility. He made it clear to her that she has to pay her own way, which she agreed to, but then expected him to just pay her way for her. Now she's mad because she didn't get her way. Does this family need therapy? Probably. This whole thing could have probably been handled a bit better - the father went wrong when he claimed that this was a "special trip for his younger daughter," because that implies that the bit about it being a "family trip" is a bunch of BS. Nevertheless, we must strive to teach our kids responsibility and how to live without us.
I think him paying for the whole family but not Kate was a bit off and his comparison of Kate and Alexa was bound to attract the critics but I wouldn’t describe either of them as assholes but if pushed, Kate. He told Kate the conditions of her going, she agreed. It’s not even clear she knew he paid for everyone else but she didn’t address that issue. She whined instead about the dates, worst demanded that they be changed. She’s spoilt and manipulative. Not only would I not give in to her (even though I likely would have paid for her myself), after her GoFund, I’d be telling her it’s time to move out. Kate’s behaviour may have improved marginally but she doesn’t sound like a pleasant person and, as a parent, it’s fair enough if you don’t like your kid or want her living with you at 23. Kate has had enough chances. And she’s too old for « that’s not fair ».
It seems to me you almost got away with not paying because she was not able to come. Then, you wanted to stick it to her by letting her know you weren't paying for her. I don't blame her for feeling hurt. Seems to me you wanted to hurt her feelings since you didn't have to say anything, but you did. You did. You are the grown up. Anyhow, if you pay for one you have to pay for the other. My advise to you, get over what she did in the past. It seems you are stuck there and still want to punish her for it. Parents forgive. Good parents forgive.
He's wrong for,*checks notes* telling Alexa the date and telling Kate that the trip can't be cancelled because she has work when if she just bought her ticket the date wouldn't even be a problem??
Load More Replies... It's funny that people think parents are these super evolved beings that don't get resentful. It's clear that he resents all the heartbreak Kate has caused and her choices. He probably blamed himself and is relieved Alexa turned out fine despite loosing her mom. Asking for Kate to pay is probably part of her upbringing for him and a way to teach her. She is entitled and manipulative and he clearly is furious that's why he is using distancing language. I would be too. He is not TA. Not in a million years.
If he blames himself then he would be doing every he could to try and help Kate and make up for it. He doesn't blame himself. He probably over compensated with Alexa because she lost her mom. Your children are your children and when you become a parent you need to do what is best for them and not hold on to resentment. He had not 1 nice thing to say about Kate and not 1 negative thing to say about Alexa. The toxicity in this post is horrible.
Load More Replies... NTA - you explained that since Kate lived at home for free and had a job, she would have to pay her own way. She agreed to pay you, but didn't - so her not being allowed to go is now a shock to her? (The fact that she was a little b*tch when she was younger is completely beside the point). Alexa is a minor and therefore should not be expected to pay. And no - I don't think there's toxic favoritism here - I think he's treating both daughters as they have treated him.
OMG I'm stunned people think Your ADULT daughter should have free room, bored AND a free vacation your minor child has worked for and deserves. WTF? The kids a entitled little princess and believes she should be treated like a minor, a well behaved hard working minor any parent would be proud of. I admire your restraint dealing with her. the lying about how she's treated is icing on the c**p cake, she lied in her video because she knows damn good & well she doesn't have a leg to stand on is this argument. I'm assuming her mother probably gave her anything and everything she wanted or someone did, so she's just so spoiled she believes she deserves it from her dad even if she never earned it. She started out with "ok I'll get you the cash by Halloween" to I" deserve a free trip even though I can't go" she needs to grow up and stop using complete strangers to harass her family cause she don't get her way.
Dad is TA. So nany reasons why. I will name a few. Mention alexa. Alexas mother is dead. Well wouldnt that be Kates mother too? Or has kate been around dads many women. Another... Alexa is doing well want to show her gratitude. Well didnt dad just say kate is doing better? Why not show her graditude? Kate works at fast food. Any normal human being knows you dont make c**p for money at a fast food restaurant and how much bs they go through. Dad IS TA. Kate should just let that family go. Dad or girlfriend dont give a c**p about her unless they look good. C**p parental units. Conditional love is all i see.
This whole thing is TOXIC.....First she's an ADULT who can pay her way the other is a CHILD....SECOND you speak extremely highly of Alexa but with Kate u haven't said anything good about her beisdes she's doing better now....How the hell do u think she feels about you?..You do realize children are a product of their environment....YTA u could have paid the ticket when she didn't cuz she's your DAUGHTER and is a FAMILY vacation
I'm kind of in the same boat as Alexa. My half sister, not my dad's child gets free food, rent and babysitter(kids are now grown. I get the occasional good event, which is few and far between. Who gets the better end of the stick? I mean I chose the better life... But my sister has her life fully funded for the necessities. I am however the black sheep compared to my sister, since my mother loved my sister... and I haven't been arrested, no battery charge, no drug use, no children out of wedlock, not illiterate, not working in the home...
You are a piece of work, you know that? In a separate post, you said that women couldn't handle the responsibility of voting, and now you're throwing shade at single mothers, people who can't read, and apparently stay at home moms? Damn.
Load More Replies... The ones thinking OP is TA are deranged and entitled fools. You do you. YOUR the parent and your eldest lives off of you, I was taught that is called mooching. She won't get far. Your surprise fir the younger one doesn't EQUAL the amount the older one has mooched and felt entitled to living with you for free. If she is saving up tell her to put it in a joint account so you can SEE it and help if she Really is so innocent and worthy. My kids were the same, my son never paid one bill in his life yet Always needs money despite working here and there. He made mote than me one year and by the end of it managed to get all that I made and then some. Not anymore. It does not do anyone any good to be led by their kid. They get their way once and never let it go. It's your love that makes you doubt Yourself and your oldest learned to Manipulate you because of it. It Never works when the child learns to use your love as a sword against you. Life is Not supposed to be simple or easy. Do You, NTA
This has nothing to do with adulting. If it did the OP would have made a point to talk about how he is trying to teach her responsibility. This is all about rewarding the "Golden Child" and punishing the "Problem Child". That is the reason the OP is definitly TA!
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