Not surprisingly, the number of depressed mothers has increased during the pandemic. But research shows that this trend has been happening all around the world consistently for years now.
Psychotherapist Diane Barth thinks one likely reason is that many women, including a number who dreamed longingly about having children, find that the experience of motherhood is very different from what they expected it to be. Often because all the parents they've met prior to having their own baby were just hiding all of their frustration behind fake smiles and saying "Everything's fine."
So in an attempt to remedy this issue, let's take a look at a few Reddit threads that have people anonymously confessing to what makes them sometimes dislike their own children. After all, as Barth puts it, learning to tolerate negative feelings without always acting on them is an important aspect of interpersonal relationships.
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I don't know if this counts but I never did. I don't hate the kid by any means. Never wanted kids, was on birth control, but I was always told it's different when it's your kid. you just magically love them. Well it wasn't different, he was just another kid I had no feelings for. I knew I couldn't be a loving parent a kid needs so he was adopted by a family I know well. They live close and I've seen him grow up but he's just some kid to me.
EDIT: thank you for your kind words. People can be cruel about the other side of adoption sometimes.
EDIT2: I didn't just hand someone a child. I've know them for years and they have another adopted son. They also went through home checks, background checks and regular checkups done by social services. They are his parents I was an incubator.
You are way better than some people who keep their kids then neglect and abuse them. My respect to you for objectively thinking about the best for everybody involved.
Mother of a seven year old boy here, with a throwaway because this goes down hard with others so I don't mention it irl with any links to myself.
I never wanted children. I saw no appeal, no urge to have them, no tugging on the ovaries when around babies. I never believed I was cut out to be a mother in any sense of the word, and experience proved it.
I dated my husband to be, who was adamant he wanted no children either, we married, and all was well until out of the blue a few years later he decided the most important thing to him on the planet was for me to bear his children.
He wore me down, and at the time I didn't have the fortitude to say or do anything to push my point, and he made promises to cover all my fears. He said he'd be happy to do most of the rearing and he wouldn't allow me to fall into being the sole childraising parent. He reassured me his parents would take some of the load. I thought it was all part of how love should be and with his persuading, my parents telling me I'd change my mind like everyone does, his parents being over the moon about his decision to try for kids, I went along with it. At the age of 27 I had a fine, healthy baby boy.
And within months it was clear my ex's promises were all about him and I'd made a dreadful mistake and I was raising a child I felt no bond with virtually alone. The experience changed us both and after just over a year later he left me because *I* changed. I probably don't have to tell any parent here about that, at least physically.
Mentally though, it was a killer. The bond never happened, and I just ended up a mother to a *someone*. I can't even say "this is my son" because I don't feel that. There was caring for a dependent human being who deserves a safe life and protection and security, and until he was four I raised him alone. I can't describe the hell of raising someone you can't work up a bond with, even a good person. It's like having the best flatmate I had while at uni, but also being responsible for every part of their being from food, medical, emotional, educational... I know no matter how I put it, to people who have children and who've connected with them there's no comparison, but that's you and this is me.
I don't hate the kid. He deserves far more than I am capable of giving, and I am so f*****g thankful my ex's grandparents stepped in. They were collecting him for a weekend and I made an offhand comment about keeping him (worn down by two days looking after vomiting child) and his grandfather took me aside and asked in all seriousness if I was coping. I let it all out and he, the man who didn't want me to marry his son, was understanding enough to see I was serious, I was trying the best I could, I was failing, and it was damaging his grandson. By the time he was five they took him in permanently.
So they're raising him and I think it's better for all of us. I ache because I don't love him, and never have - but he's still a small, vulnerable, developing human who deserves real parents with real love. He seems to have bonded well with his grandparents, though I know kids can be remarkably resilient and reserved when the biggest things bother him. I don't know if it's my bias from being free of the situation but I hope loving (relatively young, they're 51) grandparents are better than a constantly angry and increasingly resentful mother.
I'm honestly not sure how I feel about my child, and that is a super s**t***ty feeling.
I thought I wanted a child. I wanted one so badly that it hurt. I even cried a few months before I got pregnant because I was so sure that I was finally pregnant, and then was let down when I found out that I wasn't. At the time, we were living in a small apartment in a not so very good city. I had an okay job, but it wasn't enough to comfortably live with 2 adults, one who is ... without sugar coating it... someone who doesn't add anything financially to the relationship. We were getting by on the skin of our teeth and with $200 a month in help with food from my SO's mom.
I was completely irresponsible, but I don't think I cared. It took us 6 months to get pregnant, and we had only been together for about 9 months until that point. I think I felt my whole life that I was unloved and that no one cared about me, and that no matter what I wanted to experience life inside of me, and have a beautiful baby that I could love on and eventually someone who would love me back. When I was pregnant, I would sit for hours and dream about my future with my little girl, like taking her to the park, getting ice cream after school, arts and crafts.. the works!
My daughter was born a little early, but otherwise perfect. So beautiful, people would stop us just to let us know we had a gorgeous little girl. I was absolutely in love, we were a bit better off financially, everything was going right. But as time went on my daughter who was meeting all milestones and even passing a few (walking before crawling) just turned off at 13 months. My once interactive and charming baby became a growling, shrieking machine of rage and hatred. She no longer interacted, she no longer looked at us. She didn't respond to anything, and our once calm nights became a night where we could have anywhere between 3 to 6 hours of nonstop tantrums. As she got a bit older, about 2 years old, she started to get physically violent too. She would kick us and pinch us, claw at our arms and faces. If we moved away from her, or tried to hold her down, it would get worse but towards herself, slamming her head into the ground, kneeing herself in the face... just SO BAD!
We got a severe autism with the future possibility of retardation as a diagnosis and found a doctor willing to help us with her violent tendencies with medication. She's 4 now. Still nonverbal, still in her own world and last she was tested is mentally about 6 months old. 6 months old.. but in the body of a child I can no longer control. She's too heavy for me to lift without a struggle, too long for me to be able to hold down all body parts when needed, and big enough that it really does hurt when she get's us. Her medications help, but it's no cure. Where it was nightly before, it's down to 2 or 3 times a week. That sounds a ton better, and it certainly is, but it's hard to accept that things are 'better' when you still spend up to 12 hours a week holding down a screaming child who is hellbent on making *someone* bloody tonight.
And with all of this, what hurts is that we can't tell anyone any of this. We can't talk to anyone. People suggest we go to support groups, but we feel like those are a sham. Anonymity has allowed people online to share their feelings that are in the same situation for us, and we know that how we feel... this love mixed with hatred, is normal for parents in our situation. But if we ever said that in person, even to other parents in our shoes, we would be vilified. Everyone would be upset that we feel this way. Our family doesn't understand, and they think life with our daughter must be so special and amazing...but they get to leave when she starts to whine. They force themselves onto us to visit, and then leave an hour later bitching that she isn't like Neighbor Julia's kids who all can play board games and read with their grandparents, leaving her a teeth grinding, head banging in the wall mess that takes hours for her to get over.
The last straw I think is seeing my friends who have children younger than my daughter that ... they can live out the dream I had with my daughter. They can talk to their kids, they can interact with them. Having children for them is a dream, and they plan on more in the future. I read last week about a friends 4 year old that wrote and left a note to be mailed to Santa and that together they baked goodies together. I don't get these. That's not my life, and it makes me jealous. And f**k me if I say anything too, because then I'm the selfish mom because I think about those things too instead of just about how this autism must make my daughter feel.
It's stressful. We can't afford anything but an apartment, so our neighbors constantly complain about her screaming that we have no control over. They complain when she is up at 4 am hollering because something didn't go exactly right. She tortures us (and probably herself) with only sleeping between 2 and 5 hours of sleep a night and that's it all day. She can only fall asleep when sitting on me - which doesn't sound too bad until you consider that she get's upset when she's tired, and will flail, kick and scream. Once she headbutted me and snapped my glasses off, leaving a huge gash across my face and blind for days without my glasses. When she does sleep, she will be sent into a horrible rage if she sleeps anywhere but with us, and with us being between us. Two adults plus a 4 year old in the middle of a cheap queen size bed. My husband and I have gotten used to sleeping so far to the edge that we have to hold on. We're constantly sleep deprived. When she wakes up, every day no matter how she woke up (on her terms or ours) she will scream and rage and need to be held down for at least an hour. Every morning. Imagine your alarm goes off 4 hours early EVERY day by screaming and trying to hurt you for at least 60 minutes. We darkly joke that it's like she's torturing us in some camp.
So that's my life. And honestly, I love my daughter in the sense that a parent has to, I think. I love her in the sense that I would be upset if she got hurt. I would be upset if she passed away, and I would be sad if she no longer lived with us. But at the same time I wake up every day wishing this was not my life. I wake up with the feeling that behind the love I believe nature makes me feel, that I hate my daughter. The part that ignores how I would feel in the event it happens wishes that I could give my daughter up for adoption and start over with my life. Part of me wishes that I had never gotten pregnant, or that I had listened to a few friends who had suggested I gotten an abortion. I wish I could leave. Just pack up everything and be the abandoned mother, running off and forgetting her past. But I cant. My husband cannot financially provide, and I would be kidding if I said he could take care of her alone. I love him too much to do that to him.
And I guess in a way I love my daughter too much to do that to her. This autism she has has pretty much ruined the future I dreamed of for her, but I know that her actions aren't her fault. And I think I love her enough to not let her know how I feel under everything. Each day we wake up, we hug her and stop her from hurting herself until she calms down. Once she's calm, she gets hugs and kisses from us telling her that everything is okay. I work hard to provide the therapy and supplies she needs. I make her favorite meal (the only one she will eat) every night. And at night once she falls asleep, I touch her face and love on her and dream that maybe someday things will be better, despite wishing the same thing every day for the last 4 years.
**TL;DR**: Read the damn thing. I spent the time to put my heart into this reply, give me the respect to read it all.
Edit: I just wanted to say thank you to the kind replies. It's like a salve to know that I can express how I feel and not be made out to be a horrible person, and that maybe how I feel isn't completely out of the ordinary. A private PM made me think a lot, and I think that it's true - that I don't hate my daughter, but rather the situation we're in in life right now, and that I don't think badly of my husband, no matter the situation, but was just trying to find a reason for the way things are, even if it was wrong. My outlook and even opinion of myself and how I feel right now in life now don't feel so ... bleak and monstrous, like I'm a bad mother. So thank you again, it's nice to know that even though it's just the internet, I'm not alone.
You are such an eloquent writer. I have two sisters with autism and intellectual disabilities, so I saw what that did to my parents. The wear and tear, the fatigue, and lack of support. It was the 1980s and the doctor apparently blamed my poor mother for their autism. I understand the hell you are living, and you are NOT alone. You are human and your heart was broken. I know you love her unconditionally, but it’s parenthood in a very different and painful way. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a good person. ♥️
I have been a child therapist for almost 30 years, and have worked with many parents in your type of situation. No one who hasn't "been there" is ever going to "get it." Your feelings are real and justified. I have the greatest respect for your daily struggle.
Please do not judge yourself or believe what others are saying or doing re your family. I believe you are in the most painful, exhausting and broken hearted situation any parent could ever be in, and I am so very sorry. With one of my kids the Lord said we were no longer the best place for him and he went into residential special needs care. We loved him there, visiting weekly and staying involved with decisions and that change made us able to love him deeper and kept all of us safer and healthier physically and mentally. I have had no regrets. Explore your options and choose what is best for your family. Others might judge, but they are not living your families life and have no right. May God bless you with peace.
And may God Bless you as well. Thank you for sharing your story.
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This story is a reminder of how the current fad around the glamorisation of autism is a bunch of nonsense This is the actual face of autism. High functionning autism is not representative of the condition, and even then it's a great struggle. Autism is not a fun peculiarity.
Autism is really a spectrum, with some that are on the high functioning end, and others who are on the lowest functioning end. People on both sides tend to forget that there's the other end of the spectrum, not just high or low functioning.
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Time to get professional help. There are several options. Sometimes even 1 or 2 days a week or fortnightly outplacement. Yes it will be hell for her. But it's also a much needed temporary releave you absolutely need. There is specialized daycare etc. You need to resource and make long term plans. All the best.
Most of the time insurance doesn't cover out of home care and most people with a child with non verbal autism can't afford it. It's also easier to place a small child than a teenager or adult. It's not a simple as get professional help. Sometimes professionals don't have answers and can't help. It's easier to say get help than it is.
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My heart goes out to this author. Nothing you did bought this on, you're left with the consequences of nature itself. Everyone who visits leaves and probably counts their blessings in return. May you find peace and stability in your future, wherever that takes you.
I used to work at a center with kids with severe autism. I distinctly remember a parent whose only goal was to be able to go out in public with her 5 yo son. She hadn't been able to go to a restaurant in years. I remember another child who was already well over 50lbs, completely nonverbal, wearing diapers, who would bash his head on the floor repeatedly when he was frustrated. I have scars on my hands from an otherwise-lovely, nonverbal kid who would scratch as hard as he could when he got sensory overloaded. I was completely exhausted after spending 3 hrs with these kiddos... I can't imagine the life of those people who care for them the rest of the time. My heart goes out to those parents.
As someone who works in med field and a lot of family with mental illness. Hun you are an amazing mother. It is ok to not like how things are going. Taking care of autistic children is not easy. And though she is violent, somewhere in there she cares for the both of you if the only place she feels safe to sleep is between you two. It may get easier as she ages and her mind matures little by little. But it's going to be a long journey and a lot of hard work.
Bless your heart! I honestly don't know how you do it! I am sending prayers, hugs, and lots of love your way! You are great parents!!
I have autism and I used to be a terror, but once I was 6 or so it got a lot better. Then again, none of us are the same.
I suspect that this child also has significant developmental delay - they are saying she is, at 4, as far on as a 6 month old. A friend of mine also has a child who is autistic with development delay - he will never be more than a very young child in a man's body. Heart-breaking for all involved.
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I read the whole thing. My cousin has a son with autism and cerebral palsy. She was a solo parent from the beginning and I know the ebbs and flows she goes through especially on his really bad days. He also has a laundry list of medical issues. He's 32 now, but forever a "child". He's also very strong so there's some scary moments as well. Much love to you, and unless someone is in your shoes, they have no right to judge you.
Thank you for how poignantly you wrote about how this amount of daily exhaustion and trauma of caring for this level of autistic child. I hope and suspect there are groups of parents under this unique equal stress, I understand wanting to find a group and also not wanting to find a group. Thank you forus to read and better understand. It's sucks to say “you are not alone" as an anonymous voice I'mtyping and you are reading in a tiny phone, screen but you do love your child so obviously. That doesn't mean you need to be bruised and bloodied and exhausted everyday with zero breaks. I don't think many people understand the amount that you are going through. Your writing let's us see your tremendous strength, and we are sending hope and humbled awe of all that you are going through to love your child.
"People suggest we go to support groups, but we feel like those are a sham". This is insane logic. Go to a support group.
Why? If you're in a situation that's on the light end of the spectrum, they might be helpful, but if you're at the extreme end, they do nothing for you except take time and energy people like this don't have.
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I have a friend that is in the exact position you are, except the boy (I think he's five not four) is her great-grandson whom she adopted after grandson and his girlfriend were deemed unable to (he's autistic, not severely and she has a mental disorder- I believe she's bi-polar. My friend is 60, so she's still a capable woman. I told you all that so you will, hopefully be able to relate with her. She just recently has been able to get services for him - psychiatrist, meds, an ABA, etc. The boy just keeps getting worse. As she was talking to the psychiatrist one day she told him that she felt like she was in an abusive relationship. He simply looked at her and said "You are." She said that he told her that if a SO were to do the things the boy does, you would consider it abusive, right? He wasn't saying that the boy could help what he's doing or that he was doing it on purpose. You are also experiencing trauma on a regular basis, several times a day!
This person is not horrible. She and her husband are doing their best to cope with a horrendous and heartbreaking situation. My younger brother was profoundly disabled, and completely non responsive. He was no trouble really. However, I remember vividly going to therapy sessions with him and my mam (an amazing, strong woman). Even as a young child I remember seeing other parents who were in similar situations as the OP. There was no mistaking the sad, hollow eyes. I felt so sorry for them. I would never judge anyone for feeling like life was cruel to them and their children. I couldn't cope with it if I was dealt those cards.
For other parents: I just want to point out that "walking before crawling" is not "passing" a developmental milestone, it's "missing" one and is actually a huge red flag. This child didn't "just turn off." There were plenty of warning signs, and this was one of them.
I started walking before crawling and very early at that and now I have lordosis!
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She’s NOT alone, but the Reddit post is over 7 years old, so hopefully, she found some support! 💕
This. I'm a pediatric OT, and you have verbalized what I think so many of the parents of the patients that I see feel, although of course none of them express it out loud. All I can say is that I know that I have met several children on the spectrum that are actually triggered by things that neurotypical children are not, and sometimes if you can find that trigger that sets them off, it may make your life somewhat better. And by those triggers, I mean things like corn (think cornstarch in meds), wheat (again in meds), humming of an appliance or lights we can't hear or don't notice, etc. that upset her or her system. I've seen several children that calm down somewhat when those triggers are removed or lessened, but it's SO difficult to identify them. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you can find solutions to help with your daughter.
This is not only not hate, this is deep devotion. Were used to love being described as this burning obsessive euphoric feeling but honestly thats b******t. There are different types of love, and if being able to put everything into protecting someone in a hellish situation even though you want to run away isnt love i dont know what is. You can love people and resent them, the mere fact that even though she understandably feels this way she still does her best for her daughters wellbeing is the definition of parental love. Where you sacrifice for your kids cause theyre your kids. People with "perfect" kids have also sometimes wished they'd never had them, and even abandoned them because they got bored. Its really shitty she can't talk to anyone, cause spelled out like this, anyone would feel that way. But maybe thats me as someone who doesn't want kids, for this exact reason. I cant provide a child a good life. Doesn't matter if i would come to love them, they would still suffer.
All things considered, I don't think your feelings are all that far from normal. I agree that I don't believe it's your daughter you hate, who WOULDN'T hate a situation such as yours? It's truly awful, and I think you're doing an amazing job. I don't know the first thing about autism, so forgive me if I sound ignorant. Have you ever tried taking her out into nature? I don't mean a park where there are 100 other people and a million screaming children playing, I mean nature where it's you, your husband, and her? Humanity has for the most part lost touch with nature and their place in it. Just like all other animals on earth, we have a bond with the natural world - our natural habitats are not cities. Cities are stressful, dirty, loud, ugly, and most significant - chaotic. These spaces are as far from a natural habitat as one can get. Nature has a calming effect, it does an amazing job of making us feel at peace. There's just "something" about it that makes us feel ..better.
I am 32 and have autism... and my 2 kids have autism. I didnt think of passing it onbeforehand, otherwise I wouldnt habe had kids tbh, but I WANT my kids autism to match mine... and then it doesnt and wow, were like three seperate galaxies. Its hard on me, its hard on them. Hopefully, some of these behaviors will get better, hang in there ♡
I always wondered why I never really saw my neighbor across the street or why she is always so short when I do say hi. I just found out yesterday that she has an adult daughter with, what I think, is pretty advanced autism. The daughter has to be early 20s and a pretty big girl. I was washing my car I noticed her daughter was having an episode. I've meet my share of autism children that I looked away to not make my neighbor uncomfortable. So to every parent out there with children with autism out there, my respect!! I only dealt with autism as a server and I always tried to help as much as I could by giving them free goldfish crackers or any other thing that might calm them down. I just can't imagine how tough living with autism can be. Stay strong!!! And truly, my respect.
My brother was like this. We were fortunate that there was a place in a special needs home for him. He was living there since age 4. . My father was traumatized by the time he was still at home ( my mom died when my brother was 2). Brother died 3 years ago from a medical condition that could have been solved, had he been able to communicate that something was wrong. What I did notice is that he did get better over the years in the sense that he calmed down, stopped self-hurting, was not so noisy and restless any more, and seemed quite content. I actually have some late life pictures of hime where he was smiling, although not at me, well, that's ok. A good facility can make all the difference.
I feel so sorry for you. Cannot imagine a life like this and no hope in the future. Why are these things happening? Just recently a married couple in my country published a book about their daughter who has according to doctors the worst autism they have seen. She gets hospitalized from time-to-time, but no light in the tunnel. The book is very hard to read.
Hey hey anonymous fantastic writer , I'm a psychology and food scientist. I'm diagnosed with MPD, Dyslexia, Clinical Depression. From a parent point of view I understand where you're coming from and as a kid oh boy, I was your daughter in a sense that I threw tantrums , I walked and spoke way earlier than crawling. I go into this manic spirals and sometimes uncontrollable rage - I remember once I bit my step mom over a game of chess. But honestly more days then not since I was 4 I regretted being born or a burden. So after that fateful story comes the good part, my adoptive parents was a principal and a botanist who focused on medicine creations. Their eldest daughter is a nutritional psychologist (hence my specialty) So now let's get to understanding your daughter : firstly know that she has a beautiful bloody mind who's just bored, there's just so much energy and ideas in there that she feels like no one would understand her. Don't compare her to anyone because she's awesome pt
So the next part - comparing her will only drive that feeling of insecurity/ something wrong with me even more. Since she's young the best way to start encouraging her brain is actually through various activities which I'll list below. And don't feel jealous of kids baking cookies to Santa , she probably stops believing in Santa much sooner - but know this she's smart, you're probably her Santa. For activities ; Get her some basic art supplies to keep her mind occupied, try to channel her thoughts into reading interests, Rubik's cubes are fantastic distractionns. Board games might be too monotonous so try old school yoyo's. Mathematics might be a tough subject so start including arithmetic into her lifestyle. For sleeping, she's probably afraid to fall asleep alone because somehow there's a seeded fear that everyone she cares about disappears - try a large teddy bear that feels soft to coax her to sleep. For food, avoid giving anything with high sugar instead incorporate ...
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I have 2 autistic children one of which was violent for a long time. We are to a point where we've found medications that have dramatically helped with this. Please don't give up hope for improvement of your current situation has potential to improve. And never beat yourself up as a parent when you don't like getting beat up a few hours of sleep every day, wishing your child was typical. Anyone in your situation would feel the same way, I encourage you to practice some self- compassion and let go of any guilt you feel about these feelings. I wish the very best for you and your family and eventually a measure of peace and joy in your life.
OMG. That's what my daughter was like after about a year with these "tantrum" type of violent fits, but on an extreme level. They would only last maybe 10 or 20 seconds. If you were close she would bite you, if you moved away she would hit her head on any hard surface. If I put a pillow under her head she would immediately move it. I couldn't explain it. Autism was ruled out multiple times, but was diagnosed with Global Development Delay. No one could tell me what the fits were about, either ignoring me or fluffing it off as normal tantrums. Eventually one of the many speech therapists we had told me it sounded like early childhood seizures, and, no, they are not tantrums nor controllable for the parent or the child. It makes me oddly relieved I'm not the only one who's had a child go through that. I'm still angry not many people listened. Our situations wasn't nearly as bad as OPs but it's a thing. I hope she gets more help and answers. I wish there was something to help parents take care of kids who have intellectual/developmental disorders so we know what to do and what no to do.
You shouldn't (but may not be able to help) feeling guilty. There is help out there. Please let that help in. It's okay to be resentful of the situation. It's okay to feel anger, shame, jealousy. It's okay to feel. You and your husband are in over your heads, and it's okay to want and need help.
I know exactly how you feel. My brother is brain damaged and very handicapped and everyday is a struggle. I don't know whether he's going to be happy or be depressed and say he wants to die and kill himself and start talking. Horrible things and I babysit my granddaughter and to have her around. This is hard and yes I love him but it's very hard to live with him. My mother just recently died and she was one that took care of him and now we have him and I wish my mother was still alive but it's not fair to her to always have her deal with him but it's very hard.
I know I should feel bad for OP but all I can think is "did or does my mom hate me" I was like this but a bit more on and off and I don't know what to think.
There was a woman who attempted to kill herself and her teenage daughter, who is like the child in this post - but full grown and much more dangerous. (As in she put her mother in the hospital several times) Apparently they tried to get help from various social services without any luck and decided they'd both be better off dead. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been to feel like that was her only choice. I really hope there is a better future for the OP. (The woman I referred to didn't succeed and was charged with attempted murder. She's serving 10-22 years in prison.)
Start thinking about your long term solution. She will get bigger and much less manageable. It is a reality
Even if it's just the internet, you're an amazing human being. You're doing everything that you can, and the fact that you are still here, proves how strong and loving you are. You should never feel guilty about wishing that things were different. Everyone does that, and they may have no responsibilities whatsoever. It doesn't make every day any easier, but you should be so proud of the strength and love, that you're family has for each other, or you would never have been in the position to write this.
This challenge you two received was one of shock and disbelief I imagine. You and hubs have existential needs, Grief being one of them. Grief over the child that once was there, is no more. How difficult it must have been to try to reconcile that! Until grief is acknowledged, accepted ( really deeply), you cant give your child what you want to and what she deserves in terms of the love and commitment. How do we love others if we don’t first love ourselves. There will always be a degree of grief the rest of your life because you got a peek into a happy and trouble free life. You obviously are capable of being the parents you want to be or you wouldn’t feel guilt, lost at times and a love so fierce for her, no matter how much she tests your patience. I had a friend where one of her sons was unpredictable and in and out of trouble AND in and out of her life. To be able to live with herself she allowed herself to grieve the ‘loss’ of the son she once knew. She has her son back now but at her time needed to save herself 1st. Take care!
Your story, your life has given me a new perspective on having a child with autism. I appreciate your sharing your story and I hope it helps you to know that not all of us will judge you or your husband. Parenting is the most demanding, never ending job and adding an illness or disability is just exhausting and heartbreaking. Please continue to reach out and look for ways to find support. You and husband deserve sleep! And kindness! Sending you love God bless
2/2. It might be helpful, to discuss this with her doctor. Hiding it from family has one equally hard also. But you need help! Please stop hiding the fact your life is a living hell. Your relatives may really come through for you in the support department! You can also check into all the governmental help she is entitled to with her diagnosis! She is also entitled to disability. And she would qualify for Medicaid and Medicare! You can check into doctors in your area who use cannabis to treat autistic symptoms that are that horrible. It’s worth a go. You love her, do this for her. And you!
1/2 It is awful, your dream for her, and you as a mom, was cut short, and she can’t tell you how she feels and you can tell her but don’t know if she understands. It has to be mind bendingly horrible. All the while, loving her, and her dad, who isn’t much in the helping to support you all, department. What you may want to do, is check on your states rules for marijuana use in severe autism. I watched this show, about parents whose daughter was severely autistic, the same behaviors , and emotional problems you are experiencing. Though the state they live in, it is still illegal to use cannabis to treat any medical issue, they do it anyway. Her life and theirs, depends on it. There was also another child and parent on the show, and she was able to get cannabis to try for her son. Dad, long gone, so she was alone with this situation. His behavior and symptoms were changed in an overwhelmingly positive way! Though I am sure he wasn’t as severe as the girl, he was still bad. He is better.
I feel for you, don’t try to manage without help, I think you are probably in America, do you have help groups for parents struggling with an autistic child. I do hope your daughter will become easier as she gets older, bless you both.
My daughter has mild autism, but yes, we also went through the rages and sleep disorders. It was hell. I understand completely. We got medical help and my now 26 yo daughter was lucky enough to grow out of some stuff. I don't know how any parent can go through it and not end up depressed as hell. I got counselling for myself. I needed the outlet to talk and to work through some of my own stuff that made it difficult for me to deal with my daughter. Get help. Find a day program that your child can enter so you have a little time for yourself. I pray that you can find help for her and for yourself. Autism is so difficult even if it is 'just a touch of autism' like my daughter is now. And so much more so in your life. I respect you for all that you do each day. You are a good mother. Don't let yourself believe that anything about this is because you were not good enough. It is just what it is and we do the best that we can with it.
Have you researched THC oils for help with the calming for her? My heart goes out to all of you.
You are a wonderful person, as is your husband. Hopefully, in the near future, there will be more help for you both and your daughter.
Parenting kids with adhd and autism is extremely challenging at the best of times, I know. You are human and allowed to feel frustrated and down. The fatigue is crazy, and it may be that you have aimilar, but less severe traits. I didn’t realize I had ADHD until my kids and grands were dxed. I suspect I am autistic but can’t get a dx myself. Recently started meds for ADHD. These things would make life more challenging for you too. It does get easier with time and lots of support. Get as much help as possible. I wish you peace.
You are the bravest woman! I deeply admire your honesty , your insight and your sense of duty. No one ever talks about how exhausting can be to sometimes hate the one you’re supposed to love. And those “enthusiastic” moms, who say that everything about their children is butterflies, rainbows and unicorns, are the worst part, they make you feel even more inadequate . The hell you’re not alone at all, you’re just part of the few who have the courage to admit your true feelings and thoughts. Respect ✊
I’m in a very similar situation with my older sister. I love her, but I’m sure if it’s instinct or genuine affection. She plays on her iPad all, complains when we ask to do basic tasks & hygiene, is super rude & entitled, and breaks pretty much everything she gets her hands on. We also can’t leave her home alone for more than a few of hours & when we go on a trip, we have to take her EVERY TIME. And she’s an absolute NIGHTMARE to travel with. Not to mention she’s the complete opposite of non-verbal. She talks. A LOT. I have a little brother who shares my frustrations and I’m not sure if I could handle my sister without him. I can’t really share these feelings with my parents, at least not completely. Despite living with her my entire life, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. I have no intentions of taking care of her after my parents pass on. She needs someone who’s willing to be able to take care of her without any pre-established resentment.
You sound SO burnt out. So exhausted. I hope you find SOME solutions in the future.
As the mother of a child who died very slowly of two! devastating neurodegenerative disorders and who spent many hours a day screaming in pain, I know something about living in hell. I signed up for a newsletter from a parent support group for parents of all kinds of kids with profound disabilities, and that became a life line. No one had exactly the same issues but we had the same things in common: looking for resources that didn't exist, life was hell, and any small victory was worth celebrating. The parents were smart, funny (the darkest humor), resourceful, and knew what mattered and what didn't. All had PTSD, and were in a chronic state of grieving the loss of their dreams and regular lives. All had few options. I implore you to seek out other parents. They are the best sources of knowledge, they can keep you sane, they will let you be 100% real, they will crack you up. They do get it.
It's tough to have a special child. Some days you hate yourself, some days you hate your kid and dome days you hate the world.. Don't feel guilty for this because you did not ask for it. Love the good days and hate the bad. This is the only way to hang on without going completely insane. This is the way it's been for me and it's all right. Some days I wish I never had my daughter and others I am glad she's here. Don't think that autism makes her feel bad though... Thats a misconception on your part! They are selfish little pricks most of the time and that is a fact! The way they experience the world though is another story altogether... Stay strong and healthy and seek one on one counseling for yourself and your family. It helps more than you think! You can get advice on how you should calm her down and teach her social skills to cope with the world...
My heart aches for you. Seek professional help and advice. This cannot continue much longer, as she is getting older now. And maybe having more children will shift the focus and you will be able to live your dream. You deserve to be happy. Don't pay attention to the haters. You are a wonderful person and a very brave mother. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I am going through the same thing with my 4 Year old daughter to a very odd coincidence. You said she turned off at 13 mo....so did mine. Yes autistic....violent self harming behavior but she also has a rare genetic condition that was JUST DISCOVERED AS WELL. I wish we could trade information....cause this sounds like my life. Chelsea Cella NJ
Idk if you'd be up for this....but I guess I can't not tell you. Have you heard of Apostle Kathryn Krick? Idk about your faith or if you are a Christian or not, and idk if I'm overstepping my boundaries, if I am please forgive me. I guess as mother and as a person, you have tried everything you can to heal your baby girl and are willing to do everything in your ability if it means that her mind will be restored. This is just my suggestion, my belief....but something I've seen personally with my own eyes and experienced. Just try going for one of her meetings, her schedules are posted on 5f church. But even if you don't identify yourself with that Faith....you have nothing to lose. If scientists have tried their best and haven't succeeded and if there's a "God" who claims he loves her and can heal her, bring her to him. If it's the "truth" I personally believe she shall be healed but if it's a lie made by crazy people, you have absolutely nothing to lose. And I'm praying for you.
keep watching out for real help, from real professionals, & don't be afraid to ask those using him/her for their opinions. a change in diet will probably help.
In my opinion,you are a saint for trying your best to take care of her. This sounds horrible,but a lot of other people would be tempted to smother her with a pillow. It is only natural you are going to feel regret and resentment. You didn't ask for this and you are trying your best. That is to be commended.
There is nothing wrong with you. It must be so hard. I hope you make it. Best wishes.
Why on Earth would you feel your a bad mom? I think you are doing your best and that is what matters. I think you need an outlet a hobby and some time for yourself. You are not a bad mom
Wow your story is incredible. I have a 4 yr old girl, and reading how your life is every day and the brokenness you are experiencing and loss of the dreams you had for the future, makes my prayers for the life I want for her feel selfish and shallow. I am praying for you and your family tonight. You are one of the strongest people I have read about and I admire how you and your partner have worked together for the sake of your child .
Your feelings are absolutely valid and understandable. Please talk to the doctors about how impossible the situation is and whether there is something else that can be done. Also, consider options. Maybe there is an association that can take care of your child some of the time? Ultimately, you are not obliged to allow your daughter to destroy you - even if you love her and even this not being her fault. I know she is only a small child and you are her parents, but hey - you have the right to be a little happy too. And I know you love her because if you didn"t you wouldn"t have been doing this for 4 years. But it is okay if you need someone else or an institution to take care of her. And it doesn't mean you don't love her or are an awful person. You just don't have the resources.
I don't know what country you live in and if there are special funds from the government to provide help. In my country there is but I know it's rare. I'm high functioning but on the spectrum myself too. My husband and I really do want children. On the one hand I want to believe it doesn't matter whether or not I pass the gene on. But on the other hand I'm also scared of that, especially if the child turns out to be low functioning with plenty of tantrums. I've seen it with a friend of mine. She has a 11 yo daughter who can talk but you have to really focus to understand what she's saying. She can't read except for her name and a few words like mum and dad. And her tantrums are something that can scare me and then I'm just a guest who can escape when things like chairs and TV start flying through the room. They do have all the help they can get due to a great support system in our country. But it's tough. Really really tough. So I can imagine what you're going through.
My mom was never diagnosed but autistic for sure. Dad isn't diagnosed either but everyone including me suspects that he's autistic too. I think I may have it from both sides. So there's quite a high chance my own kids will have autism. And although I want children, I just pray that our children if autistic will at least be like me. That I can handle, even though tantrums are to expected, I had those too and even once in a blue moon still have (although I'll just hurry off to a toilet and cry my heart out when that happens, people don't notice), but I developed pretty much normal and have no problems connecting to people or even to express my emotions in three different languages because I'm fluent in Dutch (my own language), English and German. I can only hope that for our own children. But there's always the risk that they turn out like your daughter and my friend's daughter. Even being aware of the risk, I won't let that withhold us though.
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It's not easy to deal with something like this. I will never be able to understand you so all I can say is "I hope things get better. The best of luck to you".
You’re brave for being honest with yourself first. You shared ur feelings very well. The next step is acceptance and paradigm shift. Not easy. I’m just talking. You sound like a “dreamer” and all ur dreams have been dashed. Therapy is exactly the best route to a better mentality. Good luck
Your definitely not alone. It doesn't get better it only gets worse. My son is 20 mentally 2 completely non verbal but I can tell you those few moments that are far and in-between are what makes it all worth it. When my son is calm & he looks me in the eyes I can see him thanking me & his love for me. I realized a long time ago that he needs me, he couldn't survive this world without me. My destiny is to be his protector. My life could be so much different without him, but without I wouldn't know who my true family & friends are. I wouldn't know how strong I am as a person. I'm a single mom with 3 children total. He is the only one who will never leave me. He is the holds my family together. His brothers know in the future when I pass what to do with him. My whole life is about him which I can say is better than being all about me. You probably don't feel like your doing a great job but you truly are, you are strong and a true hero. Never forget your not alone. We are autism strong.
I have a 20yr old son and am in the same position. I want to tell you it gets better but it doesn't it gets way worse. I can't help my son at all he is so much bigger than I am and I am all alone. Only thing I can say it's the moments where the child is calm and shows the parent love, is what makes it all worth it. My son is my world and I realized a long time ago, I'm all he has. He can't survive this world without me.
I know this one!!!!!! My youngest is also autistic and until she was about four, it was the same thing: absolute bloody hysteria every time she woke up! It stopped when I figured out what it was: it's the transition. She has no concept of sleeping so when she falls asleep with the lights on and then wakes up when they're off, to her the entire world just jolted. Everything has to be EXACTLY THE SAME. If the lights/tv/radio was on/off or the dog next door was barking when she fell asleep, they had to be Exactly. The. Same. when she woke up. Obviously, if she is co-sleeping, that's just not going to happen. If you were facing her when she fell asleep, you better not be facing away when she wakes up! As painful as it is to get it done, the solution is to move her into her own bedroom and use a white noise machine and blackout blinds to keep the environment as consistent as possible.
As a mother to an autistic child myself, I feel this in my soul. It's a hard thing to deal with day in and day out. You are not alone. *Hugs*
As a mother to an autistic child myself, I feel this in my soul. It is such a hard thing to deal with day in and day out. You are not alone. *Hugs*
You expressed yourself perfectly. No guilt no shame. Thank you for bringing us into your life.
Truth be told, this is one reason why I'm not having kids. I'll take in a violent dog, hell TEN violent dogs and ferel cats, before I put myself through that much MORE trauma and pain. She's a way better person than I am. As someone who wasn't allowed to even go outside and was abused/neglected by my ADOPTIVE parents, I like my life with peace and quiet. Even if the kid was put up for adoption, chances are the "family" would be abusive. She's absolutely a better parent than what I had but in the same breath, the whole family deserves better than what this world has given them.
checked the reddit post so I don't feel bad commenting on this specific part but putting a tldr without wanting to put one... I truly don't have the attention span to read smth so long with a block of text that will fill my whole screen with no breaks. took forever to read it. many ppl share the same problem. ain't a respect thing. just rude to put one and not Acruslly put one imo..
I think the public forgets, in their blissful ignorance, that everyone's a person with feelings and thoughts. They hurt, they get angry, they don't like things. Having kids, getting married, ect, doesn't magically make you a smiley happy suburban robot. You're *still* a person with thoughts and feelings. I always found it strange the pack mentality of said robots. They figure if they feel one way, *you* should feel the same. There's little distinction between this behavior and politics or religion. All it proves is, the many suppress the few, and with that kills any sort of reality that comes with those few. I dont blame this woman, not one bit.
I am so sorry things are so difficult for you. I want to try to give you some hope based on my family's experience. My brother was born with autism and developmental disabilities in the 60s. My parents were interrogated separately so the could find out "what they did to him". He didn't show signs until 1 or 2 and then as he grew he became very violent and angry and would constantly lash out, I think bc he was non-verbal and couldn't express himself. My brother is now 57 years old. He has accomplished so much and I so proud of him. He has his own apartment, a part-time job and drives his car everywhere he hears about something interesting. It took years for him to get to this point but he is truly happy. He never would hug or say he loved anyone but we knew he did. Now he hugs me and tells me he loves me every time I see him. I don't know your struggles as a parent but I want you to know that it can evolve many times through life. You are a great mom and person ❤️
I can only sympathize and feel for you. Yes, many wouldn't understand and have their piece to say. Let these people be. Turn a deaf ear. There will always be those who understand and are willing to listen and lend a helping hand if approached, I'm sure. God sees into your heart.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Or any other child. You should never be chastised for how you feel feelings aren't aren't bad recognizing them is important. I imagine many feel this way. I say that showing up and doing this everyday makes you hero. Never forget that. I didn't have this experience I know to be thankful for that everyday. Hope things get better maybe try therapy. Someone to help. Have a cousin who all 5 children have some form of autism or other physical problems. She left all but the youngest to her parents. Not that that was horrible she just didn't know how to cope. Like I said you are a hero.
I apologize if you have already heard these suggestions before, but on the off chance it helps- 1. have you tried getting a stress ball for her? Some other way she can stim physically? I know there's probably not a lot of good options but when people held me down it often made everything worse. Maybe there's another way to handle the situation that might help all of you be safe. SPARK helped my parents, and me, with my behavior at the time :) 2. learning to type so I didn't have to speak was very helpful. Sign language is also quite popular. Ways to communicate eased much of my frustration. 3. Perhaps there is something unidentified that is making her react poorly? There's combinations of neurological factors, but that aside- we all know about sensitivity to sound, but for me... It was my shampoo. I didn't like my shampoo and didn't know how to tell anyone. Perhaps if you temporarily eliminate other factors, maybe you can find out what's bothering her?
I don't know if this would help. If it doesn't at least you might feel better knowing someone wanted to try? I would like to say I am autistic, and grown up now. I don't think you're a bad person at all. :) As a child I was violent, and not being able to speak very well did exacerbate that- not that that's an excuse of course. Many people thought I would never do x- sometimes they were right, sometimes they were wrong. Many times nothing changed for years, until it did, for reasons I can't explain. Some things may not change, some may. An important thing I have always wanted my parents to know is that a person seeming young mentally is not the same as someone else being that young mentally. It isn't always that simple, and simplifying it can slow development. Not your fault, regardless! It's painful, ridiculously nuanced, frustrating, and very individual, meaning that any advice might never be relevant to you. I can only say how things went for me. But you're not a monster. :)
I'm in a similar situation. I love my son, age 29, but he's a handful and still no independent. The autism diagnosis came when he was 3. At age 15, schizophrenia. No medication helps....none. He's in his own world, but did manage to earn a reap high school diploma. Then, he seemed to never succeed again. He refuses to do the things he needs to do. I'm getting older. Just a sad situation. It's not his fault. Hang in there. We will survive, but it's rough.
The way the story started about how she'd only been with her SO for 9 months and didn't have the best living situation had me expecting a different outcome for their relationship. It made me happy to know that they are still together through it all. There's a lot of love and strength in that family and I hope they were able to get the resources they need to help them even more.
To all of the parents who have physically and mentally challenging children: many states and communities offer services to kids with special needs. Your child might be eligible for Medicaid. Be totally honest with the pediatrician as they should have information about resources. Check out the website for Katie Becket.
you are not a bad mother, you are human. Their is love and caring coming through your words. Raising a child is difficult enough and you have been given extra challenges. Hold you head up high knowing you are doing right by your child.
God bless you and your husband! I hope there are services you can use to get some respite. You need care too!
Wow. I've experienced a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny bit of this with my cousin's youngest daughter. She has a rare syndrome that I can't remember the name of right now, but basically she's developmentally disabled, non-verbal, and can't walk. She'll pull at your facial skin and tug your hair, but I think it has more to do with curiosity than malice. All of you parents who care for a disabled child are angels.
Prayers for you and your family. Prayers, in hoping you will find more help, calm nights, and easy days. Prayers, God finds a way to heal those afflicted with Autism. God Bless! You're amazing!
My heart goes out to you....idk if I could take care of a child with your daughter's autism. (I did wonder why your husband isn't or can't work) I'm sad you really have no one to talk to or come in to give you some relief now and again. Be safe....take care.
Thank you for being so honest. I don't want kids and for as long as I can remember I thought there was something wrong with me. Like something was missing in my DNA. I am a woman. I pray for peace for you and your family. You are human, you were dealt a very painful card, you have every right to be honest with your thoughts and feelings. Let no one tell you different.
My heart breaks for you. I can do nothing to help your family directly but I can promise you, I will never again be smug or judgmental of any parent and will do my best to help if I possibly can.
I worked in a non verbal preschool class and my friend has a special needs child who will need care the rest of her life. I see that you know it's not the kids fault, but that still doesn't make life easier.
I have a 2 yr old autistic lil man, and everyday is an uphill climb. I beat myself up as well when I get angry or frustrated with him, and I know he is frustrated as well with not being able to tell me what he wants or if something hurts. Its been 6months since we have started therapy and special school for him, and i can see progress-it makes me hopeful, not just for us but for other parents. You can do this, the trick is to surround yourself with peeps that are supportive and helpful. Also meletonin at night is one of the only ways lil man will fall asleep, you could always try that. Wish you the best!
I too have a disabled child. I joke I'm a medical soccer mom. We go to a lot of appointments and have had some near misses. I just broke down and bought an suv to be able to carry all his stuff. I'm glad he is alive but I do wonder what it would be like had he not made it, or had I found out about his condition before birth. He is worth millions in medical bills, lived in the hospital for months. And thos alarms, so many alarms I may have alarmn ptsd. Noone has a child and says I hope she is disabled no they hope for a smart or skilled child with strong social skills.we don't always get that. I'm sorry she is tormented. I'm sorry you two are also tormented. No sleep sucks even if it is fir fun reasons. More and more is being discovered every day about genetic conditions. I hope there is a future for you with a calm, happy child. I have this hope about my child. Reading as many articles as I can makes me have hope. You truly are a good mother weather you feel it or not.
Sending you hugs and love. I have such respect and compassion for you. I cannot imagine how hard things must be. You are an amazing person, strong, good, loving, compassionate and responsible. I hope things get better for you and your family, and that you get the chance to enjoy fun times, relaxing with friends and family, and also finding time to have and achieve your own goals. Thanks for sharing your story.
You’ve been given a child that no one except a person who has an autistic child could even begin to understand! Your pain is 24/7. You get no relief in your days. Your sleep deprived, abused, and utterly exhausted and hurt. No one can find fault in you! You and your husband are doing the best you can with the resources you have. If you feel hate for your child, it’s not that you really actually hate the person but more the situation that your child and your family are living in. Hopefully someone you can contact in your area might be able to get you in touch with an agency or organization that can help you! More studies and information are readily becoming available that hopefully before long one will be the one to give you relief. As a last resort you might be left with no alternative but to find a home with care givers that are trained to work with autism.
I don't know where you live. But there waivers through the county you live in. Programs to send them to.
You are not alone. I have anautistic child and work with them as a therapist. No one truly gets it unless they've been there...they'd other understand how much harder it is to Iove a child that can't connect or bond in a normal way. Find some people you ca trust to be honest with, ask about programs that provide regular respite services for special needs kids. Even having one weekend a month where your child is being taken care of so you can relax or binge a tv show will really help. No one can parent an autistic child like yours without having a break n the regular
You are amazing. I don't think anyone should criticize you for how you feel. People sometimes only see things through their own narrow perspective and have a hard time feeling compassion, especially for adults. How you feel I think is completely normal and for all you are going through, you are doing an incredible job. I don't think I could do it honestly. I suppose not having a choice is all that could keep me going and live moment to moment looking forward to the good times. Life is not fair many times, meanwhile, your daughter is perhaps the luckiest person to have you as her mother whether she knows it or not.
Oh my dear, your feelings are normal and understandable in your situation. There is help out there and I hope you look for it. Perhaps it will be a bit easier now that you've said this out loud. Support groups are not a sham! There are respite care places and much else. Plase go out and find some support.
I once again pray you find the support you need to face each day.
I know you're struggling and pray that you are given the strength to see the joy in your situation. I cannot imagine the hurt you're going through and the fear shame and guilt you're feeling until those people walk a mile in your shoes or spend a week taking care of your daughter they will not fully understand what you're going through on a daily basis. And then they have the assurance that it will end after that mile or week, you have no such assurance, it's an unending revolving mess that you're forced to continue each and every day and with help hopefully things will get better, but I would suggest that you do seek others in person that can help you who know what you're going through and that can provide you with extra tools both mental tools and physical ones to help control your household. I don't want this to sound harsh if it does come off that way I'm sorry, I have some experience of autism children and know they can be a handful but know your situation is to the extreme.
You are an awesome mom. Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings, because you can’t help your feelings. You are only human and it’s normal to be disappointed in the reality of having a child with special needs, when you had the fantasy of a perfect child. The important thing is that you do love your child and try to do what is right for her. God bless you all.
I am in tears. I live this to, with my daughter sounding very similar. Your edit is spot on. You need help, you need respite services provided by your ins or medicaid. Look into Medicaid waiver programs in your state, some provide you a budget to hire a caregiver. Dig, ask your therapists, doctors anyone working with mentally ill and disabled. Federal money is put aside for the care of disabled children in home.
I don’t think any of us are equipped to deal with a child like yours, you are doing your best, which is all one can do. I admire you and wish you all the best wishes in the world.
I have spent my life teaching children with autism and severe learning difficulties. Many of them had significant behaviour problems too. My heart goes out to you. I have spent many hours listening to parents saying similar things. You are not alone, you should never be judged (I wonder how parents would cope in your situation). As someone has already commented when people hear the word autism they picture the more able, verbal and higher functioning children. Children with autism and severe learning disabilities are sadly overlooked.
My gosh. Anyone that could not understand how you must be feeling is being deliberately cruel. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. It makes the sacrifices worth it but the effort is real and debilitating. You need help.
Support groups aren't a sham, they are other people going through the Same thing you are... so someone to talk to, hear how they handle stuff. You should really try it. I mean if you try it and don't like it then stop going.
I cannot even begin to fathom how incredibly difficult this must be... What a strong woman. I don't know if I'd be able to handle anything like this...what an amazingly strong individual...don't know what else to say other than that and just...wow. I'm in awe of her strength and courage...
Your feelings seem extremely normal to me.. my son is on the lower end of the spectrum and I still cry and feel horrible about the times I wished he was more like my other children.. but if a reality.. who wouldn't want a child that acts like what we think a child should act like..I wish you peace and comfort
Is it possible that the sudden change was after a vaccine your daughter got? I did a lot of research about this topic and a lot alot of parents have described exactly what you did. An absolute normal child all of the sudden changes. And the reason was a vaccine. Maybe you can think about it. All the best.
Try to find a church with a special needs ministry. That helped us a lot! You get a break and you are able to build a support group with other parents! Things should get better as she gets older. School helps, too!! And, maybe stay away from vaccines. Those toxins make everything worse!
What is this word uncensored?! “s**t***ty.” Shittitty? Anyhoo…tl/dr.
"Her favorite meal (the only one she will eat)" is - via severe food/brain allergy - the one and only cause. The fact that she absolutely CRAVES that one particular combination (e.g. mac & cheese like nearly all kids) is a dead giveaway that her brain has a severe intolerance to it. I remember decades ago having read about a little boy who would be fine whenever he ate anything but his favorite breakfast combination of scrambled eggs and orange juice. Every single time he had that combination (and only then), he would become extremely irritable and throw temper tantrums. After his parents noticed the pattern and stopped giving him the offending foods, he stopped having the temper tantrums altogether.
It's all about the LW. Self-centered, self-absorbed, self-pitying. Children know when they aren't loved, aren't wanted. Aren't there ANY endearinq qualities, any heartwarming moments that LW can recall?
Am I misunderstanding your comment, are you blaming the mother for feeling frustrated with rhe situation and inferring that her daughter knows she "isn't wanted, isn't loved"? Do you have a severely autistic or similarly affected child? If not, how can you possibly know what these parents go through on a daily basis, with no hope of improvement?
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I never wanted to be a dad. I had no plans on ever having kids. Fate had other ideas thanks to hormonal BC not being 100% effective. My son is mildly autistic and has ADHD and has some severe behavior problems. We're talking I have to straddle him while on the floor on his back to keep him from destroying the apartment, hurting us. I always knew I'd hate being a parent but I never knew it would be this bad.
Edit: Thank you for your sympathy. He's only 7 so he's not exactly dangerous right now but I'm really scared of how things will be when he gets older.
I feel for the op. I have a 4 year old that is autistic and ADHD. My son is non verbal so that's hard. When he gets upset I'm the one he attacks.
I find my story is positive. I hope other's find some positivity in my post.
I've had two beautiful kids, but I don't love them as their mother. I was a twenty-one year old and met a gorgeous and awesome guy. He was older (27) and already graduated law school and was working at a law firm. He was great. Smart. Very attractive and very fit. Despite this it was clear it wasn't a long-term thing. He, admittedly, didn't function well in relationships. However, I could tell he really loved and wanted kids.
So I offered to give him a child. Sounds strange, but even though I knew we wouldn't be together-and I knew I wasn't in love with him-I had a strong physical desire to give him kids. Again it was strange and kind of hard to explain. We talked about it and he eventually offered to pay for my college degree and give me some money (I won't say how much). He bought me health insurance and then we started trying. I got pregnant surprisingly fast.
I was on summer break for the first trimester so I traveled. I, thankfully, didn't have a difficult time carrying (giving birth was horrible) and I was just in school for the rest of my pregnancy. His mother was around a lot so that was cool. I didn't have to do anything really to prepare for the child. He worked constantly during (he was trying to earn as much as he could)' but we always had great sex and continued during the pregnancy. Mostly, I think this was stress thing.
I had a girl and once she was born her father was on cloud nine. I think this caused the second pregnancy, because, well we had a lot (a lot!) of sex right after. He begged me to carry the second pregnancy all the way through. So I did. I took a year off from school because I didn't want to graduate pregnant and I again got to travel. The second time seemed way easier and flew by. However, the second time around there was more distance between us. I had my own place and was flying around a lot and he was raising his daughter. The second child was a boy.
The kids are four and three now. They have a wonderful father and a great extended family. We have a great relationship and I know he is there for me should I need him.
I went back to school, graduated, and started my career. I've had some ok relationships. I relish in my freedom.
My parents get to see the kids frequently and if I am over there I see them. They call me by my first name. They are great kids, but I don't have a motherly love-type relationship with them. We've discussed eventually telling them I am their mother. He is ok with it because he doesn't think he'll ever get married so he doesn't see any conflict with other maternal figures. My son also looks a lot like me so they figure it out eventually.
aww, this story is actually really sweet. that seemed like a healthy relationship, the way they were doing it, and i’m glad it had such a positive outcome.
Throwaway, for obvious reasons.
I was a teenage boy with serious emotional baggage, the product of multiple father figures who came and went, each leaving a small reminder of themselves in the form of scars (some mental, some physical) My mother was a strong independent woman who was struck down by a drunk driver when I was 9, and although she lived, the head and neck injuries she sustained gave me the shell of what had been for my most trying years.
By 13, I was an alcoholic. By 14, I was working two full time jobs to keep a roof, and by 16, I *FELT* I was a mature man, who could handle anything. I avoided relationships because I always felt damaged.
One night when I was 17, I was drinking in a bar where I knew the bartenders well enough, and met a girl. She was beautiful, funny, the life of the party, and coincidentally, also underage. I made a few jokes, drank a few drinks, and made my way to the exit. As I started my s****y little car to leave, said girl's friend knocked on my window and asked my age. I lied and said I was 22, to avoid any trouble for my bartending friends. One thing lead to another, and that beautiful girl and I left together.
The next two weeks were spent drunk, barely sleeping, having sex wherever we could find a bed. Without a care in the world, I lost my job, alienated my friends, and consumed myself with this girl. We would both find out later that we were much younger than we lead eachother to believe. By then, it was too late.
When she announced she was "late", we bought two pregnancy tests from the pharmacy. Both showed negative results. When her little friend still hadnt visited two weeks later, we told her mom, who scheduled a doctors appointment, and low and behold, we were pregnant.
I spent the next two weeks BEGGING her to get an abortion, knowing full well I had the emotional capacity of a carrot, and realizing very quickly just how immature I truly was. She, the good christian girl, flat out refused, listing all the reasons she hated me for even asking, and reminding me just what an a*****e I was for not loving our "gift from god".
We were married the following month, after driving to a state that would allow it at our ages (my mother refused to consent) The next ten months were a mix of screaming, fighting, pretend break ups, and general hell for us both.
On the day our son was born, our parents gathered round and smiled, and she was just... different.
For the next six months, I worked as many hours as work would provide, in between losing jobs, and she slept. FOr hours, she slept. As he would cry, she slept.
By the time my son was 18 months, this girl who had convinced me I was a monster for not wanting our child was sleeping with a coworker (who was also married with children). I begged and pleaded with BOTH of them to end the affair. Within two weeks, she was gone. Her parting words "Call me when he can talk and is potty trained". Ironically, she left to join a christian band with her coworker in another state.
For the next year, I spent most nights drunk, contemplating suicide, and wondering what the hell to do with this child. My mother helped. Her mother helped. But I grew to resent him more and more. I pined for my youth, which she promised she would sacrifice with me, but instead left to pursue.
I have spent the better part of 12 years being congratulated on being "an amazing dad" and "stepping up". Secretly, I cry to myself some nights regretting how cold and distant i have been, how selfishly I have treated this child that looks JUST LIKE ME, and how much better he deserved. His mother bounces in and out now, just present enough to remind him he means less than her two new kids.
He and I have a strange relationship. My anger gets the best of me sometimes over the slightest things. He is respectful, well mannered, extremely intelligent, athletic, and just an overall wonderful person. By his age, I was on my way to being the piece of s**t I am today. And yet, knowing all these facts, feeling guilty beyond words for the hardships he has endured as I grew up simultaneously with him, I still feel like I love him because it is my DUTY to love him. Sometimes it feels like we are roommates, my friend who has slept on the couch for thirteen years. He deserves so much better than I have given him. Yet I rest on the fact he has had so much more than I did. And for that, I know if there is a hell, I have reserved my own suite.
EDIT: 1 Formatting?
EDIT 2: As I read the posts of people with children with deformities and sickness, I cant believe how lucky I am to have a healthy kid that gives me so little grief and so much pride.
EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold! And also, thanks for helping me find where the leaks in my face were guys. I have really never expressed all this together, so I appreciate everyone's encouragement and kind words.
EDIT 4: I cant believe the sheer number of responses. I apologize for not being able to respond to all of them. Thank you everybody for your encouragement and helping me see things a bit more optimistically. Im truly in awe.
But you DIDN'T give up. That's admirable. From what you wrote, you were his constant.
I have two children and now I love them both dearly. However, it wasn't always that way for my youngest son. I planned my oldest, wanted him, loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and took him everywhere with me except work until he was 2. We were inseparable. We are still very close. Now, my youngest was a surprise, I used protection and it was one night. I considered abortion but couldn't do it. Considered adoption but my family freaked out at the idea, so I kept him. I hated the person his father was and how his father treated, I wanted a girl if I was going to have a child, and didn't want to give up what I had with my oldest. I was selfish. After I had my youngest it got worse. I completely detached, barely picked him up, and didn't take care of him unless I absolutely had to because there was no one else around. It was like this for almost a year, made worse by the fighting with his father. My son reminded me so much of this man who made my life hell. When my met my SO it changed, he got me help, he taught me to love my son and how to teach my son to love back. My child went from being this loner child who hated to be loved on or messed with to being this sweet, generous, amazing kid who can't leave the house without a hug. I would never trade my children for anything in the world, however I wish I could re do that year of my life.
I'm so glad you and your SO fell in love with this little boy! No two situations are ever the same, we learn, we grow, hopefully we love. You learned to love. That's EVERYTHING! Please stop regretting that one year, and cherish all the years to come!
I am 42 and have 3 kids, 21, 17 and 5. I love them more than anything and would die to save them if I had to.
But they are people with their own personalities and there are days when I really don't like them. The 2 older girls teenage years were filled with these days.
What most new parents don't understand is that kids are not a blank slate that you get to draw on. Each child has their own personality and while you can guide and shape their views and attitudes, you just can't change who they are. That can lead to times when you don't like them. Don't feel bad or guilty about it, its natural but nobody talks about it.
Understand them, Talk to them and above all Love them. When you see something you don't like, do what you feel is right as a parent. If its serious enough that it needs adjustment, work with them. If its something small, let them be their own person.
I'll just tell my side for my mother. (For clarity, she has admitted all this to me in the past, these aren't assumptions or anything like that)
I was an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy in her teens. She didn't want me from the get go. She would often leave at night, with me in the care of my father, cousin or grandparents and go party. When I was 2, right after my brother was born, our father died in an accident. My mother took this opportunity to leave me with my grandparents after the funeral and just leave, taking my brother with her. Over the next several years I saw her sporadically and for maybe a few hours at a time once a year or so.
Fast forward to when I was teen and I was living with her because she wanted a babysitter for my younger half siblings she came home drunk and I had had the last straw and screamed out, "Why do you hate me??" And she point blank told me it was because I looked, spoke, acted and carried myself just like my father. The thing is, she loved my father with everything she had, she even kept my brother instead of abandoning him because he shared our father's name.
When she was sober, I confronted her again and I told her I wanted the rest of the truth (I just knew there was more) and she didn't even try to pawn it off as her being drunk. She told me the same thing but added on that she never wanted me in the first place, that she felt no connection or bond with me, never had and that I may as well have been someone elses child and with the way things turned out, I may as well have been my grandparents child rather than grandchild. She said she should have listened to her father (my grandfather) when he told her to abort me and that the only reason she didn't was because my father wanted me and she loved him.
This both surprised me but also....not really. Like I knew she felt like this on some level but to actually hear it sort of threw me for a loop. To this day my younger siblings, who I basically raised, do not know me as their sister, they have no idea. My mother has kept it from them, they just assume I'm another relative (likely a cousin) from our massive family. The other thing is that all 5 of my other siblings were also unplanned/unwanted but she treats them like kings and queens, they had the type of bond with her I only ever dreamed about as a child.
Get out from there. You deserve better. She is just an incubator. Do not let her use you as a worker bee. You do not owe her your life. You did not ask to be born. I have respect with those who gave up their kids for adoption and made sure thise kids go into good homes because they cannot parent than people like that woman you are babysitting for. She is just using you.
I'll be honest here. Tithe first year or two with my daughter was really rough. I regretted having her almost every day. She sucked the life out of me and a lot of times, my husband too. I loved her, but I did not want to parent her.
She's almost five now and I couldn't feel more differently. I love spending time with her. She's a joy and I'm lucky to be the one raising her.
So if there's anyone out there with a little one that's reading this and feeling sh***y because you wish you hadn't had them, there might be hope. Things might change. Being a parent (especially to a baby) is so incredibly difficult. Don't feel guilty if it isn't all sunshine and rainbows and overwhelming joy.
I never wanted kids (I'm female). My method of birth control (IUD) failed. Although my husband and I do all the normal parental stuff and now have a seemingly normal 3-year old, if I had a time machine or stumbled upon a lamp with a genie in it, I would take a redo.
I used to work in an office with mostly women (just out of college) and I asked a few women with children if they could go back and change it if they would. I assumed they would say no, but they always said, "I love my kids, but I probably would not have had them."
Take it for what it's worth.
I just had a daughter a month ago. She was unplanned, and I told my wife (then girlfriend) that I did not want kids, but she did. She swore up and down she couldn't have kids, but lo and behold here we are. The pregnancy was awful, and now we have what simply must be the single most colicky and fussy baby alive, and she fights her sleep like a MOTHERF**KER. not to mention the post partner depression that my wife is feeling.
I didn't want to marry this girl, but basically felt I had to to support her (I'm military), and I didn't want a kid. I love my daughter more than anything, but the resentment and frustration I feel towards the situation makes me miserable.
Basically, I love my daughter entirely, but she makes my life a living hell. Hope I'm not an awful person for feeling this way.
No, you are not! You're grieving what "could have been." Hang in there!
With over 7,000 comments I doubt this will even get read, but it may do me well just to type it up. I wasn't going to initially, but after reading fairly far into the thread I kept seeing the same story about people who never wanted kids... and that's not me. It felt like no one had a story like mine here, so I might as well type it up.
I have 3 kids. A daughter who turns 15 today, a daughter who is 4, and a son who is 20 months old.
My 4 year old and I are best friends. I pick her up from school early for 'daddy dates', I take her everywhere I can, and we have conversations where she stuns me with her insight and intelligence.
My Son is just starting to really show his personality. He is extremely loving, sweet, and just so loving.
Between the two of them and my wife I feel like I have everything in the world that I need.
And then there is the 15 year old.
When I was 19 I got a message on AIM (aol instant messenger). It was this chick and she basically gave me her address and asked me to come over and have sex with her.
Had this been 5 years ago I would have assumed that To Catch a Predator or some s**t was waiting for me.
It took more persuading then it would have with most guys (I think anyways, as in it took 2 days of her constantly asking me). Night over, life goes on.
3 years later I get a call and its her. She tells me she had a baby after our evening, but that she had moved to another state and had some fellow sign the birth certificate as the father. Now she has just given birth to his kid, but he has left her. So she has 2 kids, and she wants me to get to know my daughter.
At this point I am in college, and I figure... well s**t, I guess I owe it to this little girl.
For the first 6 months we meet up once a month or so and do things like go to the fair or zoo or whatever. We all do this together. Eventually she comes to spend the weekend with me. Her little brother was spending alternate weekends with his dad's family, and I guess my daughter wanted to know why she wasn't going anywhere.
My family treated her like an alien and I really had no idea how to handle a child, so I would do stuff like put a video game on (like ape escape), and she would point out the monkeys and I would try to catch them. Or we would go to the park and play hide and seek and stuff. Come Sunday morning I would have to start calling her mother first thing in the morning if I wanted to meet her by noon (she often just didn't answer or had someone else answer and say she was in the shower). I had papers to write, books to study, and classes to prepare for so I was trying to cram all that into the very end of my weekends.
After about a year of this I got a hell of an opportunity to work for NASA for a summer at AMES in San Jose. It was a 12 week program, and by the end of it I was lead author on a published paper. While I was away my mother decided to step in and start having my daughter over. I thought this was a pretty good idea, as it would help them bond.
Through all of this my relationship with the girls mother was all together surreal. We didn't know anything about each other. We were a one night stand personified. We didn't have negative baggage because we never dated and broke up, but it could still get contentious.
When I returned from NASA my mother had bonded with my daughter and she basically had taken over scheduling the pick up and drop offs. This eliminated my need to communicate with her mother, so I was all for it. That was probably a dumb move.
Now, it's worth stating that I enjoyed being with my daughter at this point, but it wasn't until I had my two younger children later that I understood something was missing between us.
See, my older daughter really looked up to me and idolized me. She would tell people her father knew everything and could build or do anything. She was also uncontrollably afraid of me. She would hardly speak around me. She mumbled answer if I asked her anything. At one point when she was 13 she told me it was because she was afraid she would say or do the wrong thing and I wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore... but that seemed more like the rationalization of a 13 year old. I just couldn't understand it.
As the years went on my mother stepped in more and more and then I found she was telling people behind my back that I was an absent father and she pretty much did everything for her. I was a huge betrayal. I was paying money every month to her mother, I was buying her clothes, I was buying all her school supplies, I was picking her up and taking her everywhere, but because my mom handled scheduling, she thought I was "absent". I created a large rift between my mother and I.
Shortly after this I got married and bought a home. At my home I made a room just for her so she would feel welcome. It seemed to kicked off a bit of a competition with my mother.
My daughter quickly realized this and played it up to get everything she could. I never played the game, but my mother sure did.
After I had my younger daughter my older daughter got very jealous. She practically counted the number of photos on the wall even though my wife went to GREAT lengths to get photos of her and us up on the walls.
2 years ago her mother decided she was moving to California. My daughter took this as an opportunity to play a game of who loves her more. I told her she should move with her mother. I truly felt that was best, as they are extremely co-dependent. I had witnessed so many break downs because her mother had to work too much, or was too busy with her other kids, etc. Based on her inability to really connect with others, it seemed like a bad move for them to be apart a this point.
Ultimately she decided that if she stayed she wanted to go to a private high school that was 90 minutes away. It was an arts and theatre school, so we aren't talking like some science academy here When I explained that we didn't have the resources to transport her back and forth every day, she was done with me. She went to my mother who also said she couldn't fulfill that request. Suddenly my daughter announces she wants to live with some 80 year old couple that is a friend of her mothers because they said they wouldn't mind driving her to this school on a daily basis.
That's when I realized all she cared about was herself. In the end her mother never moved anyways.
My mother and I's frustrations came to a head and after some truly horrific behavior on her part, and I cut her out of my life. No more seeing my two younger children until she could get her s**t together. She immediately went into action to lock down my older daughter, and sure enough, a week later my older daughter calls me up and after a very short conversation she states she wants nothing to do with me until I apologize to "grandma" (my mom) and "fix things". She has zero idea what this fight is about, she has zero idea what went down or what was said, and yet she decided to take a very strong stance in her bid to be an adult at age 14.
6 months later my mother and I worked things out and we moved on with life. However I haven't spoken to my daughter since that phone call. I feel she cut me out and therefor it is her responsibility to deal with it, the same way I approached my mother to patch things up.
If it were up to her and my mother, I'm sure we would all pretend that none of it ever happened. Which doesn't do anyone any good.
We have been in the same room together 4 or 5 times during various family meetups, but each time she avoided me like the plague and hid in the corner on her tablet or DS or whatever.
At one point my 4 year old started asking me questions about monsters and other nonsense, and when I asked her where she heard it from it was her older sister. So at that point I made it clear to my mother that my daughters were not to be alone together if she happens to have them both at her house.
Last I heard my daughter was basically rebelling in every way possible. One day she is bisexual, the next she is dating a some guy and is actually going up to every family member she can find asking them if they are mad that he is black (I'm dead serious here). With the bisexual thing she decided she had to announce it to every single person she knew, and the follow-up question every time was, "so what do you think about it?" She is doing anything she can to get attention or opinions at this point.
My wife is very sensitive about it as she has an older sister who did the same things to her dad. And my wife is a lot like my 4 year old. She loves her father more than anything and would do anything for him, so when she sees her sister try to pull her s**t with her dad, it infuriates her.
So the short of it is, and boy, I can't imagine how long this post is at this point.... But the short of it is I really don't think I love her. I don't feel like I know her, I am disgusted by her actions, I am sick of her constant drama, and I just can't relate to her at all. And it feels so foreign to me as I love my two younger children with all of my heart. I consistently say things like, "my 2 kids", or "my firstborn" when talking about my younger daughter. Its like my brain just doesn't have the synapse connection that defines my older daughter as my child, and all the benefits that this would confer upon her.
Anyways, I really doubt that between the length and the fact I am so late to the party that anyone will ever read this. But thanks to reddit for giving me a place to type it up.
This whole situation is so f*cked up on many levels. The daughter's drama seems to be the outcome of all those insecure bonding experiences with her primary caregivers her entire childhood and teenage years. Sorry, but she's not to blame. Even though I don't want to blame OP (R anyone else) here and can understand his feelings, what really got me is this line: "However I haven't spoken to my daughter since that phone call. I feel she cut me out and therefor it is her responsibility to deal with it" Sorry, but OP is expecting his teenage daughter to be the mature adult here. And that's really messed up thinking. From what I read, I feel that this girl really needs a secure, respectful relationship to a caring person and truly I wouldn't wonder if someday she finds this in a way older man or woman...
They are too much work. I want to be left alone. I want quiet. I want less chores to do. The only part about having kids that's as great as I expected it to be is shopping for them. I don't want kids of my own, I want nieces and nephews.
I could not have children of my own.. truthfully, its probably for the better. But, I ABSOFRIGINGLUTELY LOVE being an auntie!! I love having them around as much as I can and am thankful to my sis and bro for understanding! lol. We have 8 just here in our town!!
Little f****r stole damned near everything from my house when I went on a vacation. He also stole half of my Dads' coin collection before he passed away. Over $10,000 worth of stuff between both of our houses. I can say I just don't love him, but I hate every fiber of his existence.
This definitely isn't a one off. There just have been a lot of things that lead up to it or drugs
My wife cheats on me and I'm like 90% sure they are not my kids, but her cousin's. We are hoing through a divorce, I'm not fighting for them. I've caught my wife cheating on me with her cousin more than once.
One day he stole my car and we haven't seen him since. Its hard to have someone leave your life like that but at this point, 9 years later. I have no choice.
I sympathize with you. My elder son got enstranged when he married. It was getting worse and worse, he cursed me, threatened me. He does not have any contact with his brother either. My heart is aching after my grandchildren.
i'll do you one better, my whole father's (huge) side of the family all genuinely dislike or don't love me(including 5 halfsiblings, 8+ aunts and uncles, my (now dead) grandmother, numerous cousins(that I went to the same school as/had the same uncommon last name)), because my dad cheated on his wife of 15 years, with my then 20 year old mother. I was the bastard baby produced from that.
In addition to that mess, my mom has serious mental issues with violent, hateful tendencies, so there's not much room for a loving mother-daughter relationship there.
So, long story short, I have a huge family, but I have no family.
I'm stepdad, and have been with his mother since he was three. He's ten now. His biological father is still very involved in his life.
And honestly? That's part of the trouble. He is very attached to both his grandparents, who are incredibly passive-aggressive and infantilize both him and my wife. I woke up a few years in realizing that despite spending more time with him than any other member of his family, I was not considered by any of them (barring my spouse) to be his caretaker.
That attitude rubbed off on the kid, and I pulled away over the years to avoid the stress of being constantly barraged with disrespect. I couldn't run my own household because we're poor and rely on the child support and the grandparents for things like laundry or daycare, and if I tried to discipline him in even the most minor of ways, my wife would hear about it and our livelihood would be threatened. They didn't speak to me at all. I was completely frozen out of any decisions about his life.
The kid has been endlessly coddled and sheltered, and combined with a speech disorder he's a ten year old who is developmentally seven or eight. He doesn't challenge himself in any way, because an adult in his life will take care of literally anything for him. He whines, he's clingy, and not fun to be around.
I still make the effort to be there for him, but every year that passes I find myself just not liking them as a person. This isn't what I wanted fatherhood to be. I've been doing this for seven years, not counting the decade I'd spent previously taking care of my siblings in lieu of their own father, and I hate it.
I've got my own children through my wife now, quite young, and I know it's going to cause issues. I've refocused my attention to them almost entirely, and my wife is in denial about how thoroughly I've given up on my stepson.
I find myself just waiting for him to turn thirteen, wishing for puberty to hit so he'll angst out and ask to live with his dad. I just want them gone, and all of the complications that they cause with it. He brings me no joy at all, and I can't wait until he's out of my house.
TL:DR I wanted to raise a stepson, but his other parents wouldn't let me.
That's kind of my greatest fear as a stepmother (stepdaughter is almost 6, I've been with her dad (now my husband) since she was about 18 months old. I love her to bits, but she's only with us 2-3 weekends a month Fr-Mo plus vacations and her mother's influence is palpable sometimes... SD is already resigned to her mother not wanting to see her sisters (our twins, 18 months old now) even when SD herself is incredibly proud of being the big sister and they love each other very much. It's also really hard how we seem to go over the same basics with her every weekend, like basic politeness or tidying up after herself, or not teasing the cat - it's incredibly exhausting on top of raising twin toddlers and working full time, and sometimes, when the mother's being especially b*tchy towards my husband, I'd like her to just take the child and leave us tf alone... Of course, we love SD too much to actually want that, it's just sooo frustrating!
I am going to differentiate between love and like. I was 31 when I had my son and he was and still is much loved and much wanted. However there are far too many days that while I love him I do not like him in the least.
He has a learning disability, it is not an intellectual disability as opposed instead it is a severe organizational skills disability. All of the things that most of us to do fairly easily, keeping our schedules sorted out, doing multistep tasks and such are very difficult for him. Dad and I have been extremely supportive, we've made sure that he's had tutors, that he has helps as he needs it, pretty much everything we could possibly do either financially or by being supportive we have done.
He is currently living in my basement rental unit because at 22 he needs his space as much as I need mine. He's in college, this is after blowing three semesters at university because he couldn't be bothered doing the work. College has gone better but because of his learning disability I still have to make sure his schedule is sorted out, that he gets places on time and such. It's incredibly tiring and stressful for me. he has another five semesters left in this program, his dad and I are financing school as well as sharing the cost of living expenses. He works but only part time because of school commitments.
I suppose I'm writing this because I'm frustrated. In some ways he's incredibly mature and bright, he's articulate, he's smart and when he's in a decent mood he is enjoyable to be around. unfortunately he is lacking in self-confidence, both about his intellect and how people perceive him, he struggles to keep things together, suffers from depression [which is not his fault]. He's had a rough couple of years, bad choices in girlfriends and such.
I wish he would do something positive to help himself out, I know he will always need some degree of help to keep him on schedule, such is the nature of his disability [it's called executive function disorder if anybody is curious] but it would help tremendously if I didn't feel like I always have to be on his case to make sure he gets things done in a timely manner, that he's on time when he's going places etc. despite his rough time he has a good life, he has a few good friends, a place to live, school is taken care of but none of it seems to mean anything.
Anyway I felt like this was as good a place as any to vent, thank you all for listening Reddit.
Ahhh I feel for you both. I recently started seeing a therapist for executive function issues and sometimes I'm just shocked and embarrassed at how much I struggle with basic tasks, in spite of being generally bright and eager. I hope your son continues to build competencies so you can both manage more easily.
Well, recently I had a serious depressive episode. I grew up in very abusive homes, and my parenting strategy was to get a parent educator and, within reason, err on the side of loving and doting on my kids.
Aside from my mental illness, I was working three jobs and both my kids are both special needs. My daughter is violent, strong, and I tried for over a year to get professional help for her. I knew she would have a hard life if she didn't get straightened out before school.
My behavior was this bad as a kid, and the social repercussions gave me depression and low self esteem. I was heartbroken thinking my daughter was going to grow up with those issues. I was terrified she was going to grow up to be like me.
I couldn't bear to see that, so I was considering giving my kids up or leaving. But I knew if I did either, and continued to live, I would feel worse. I became suicidal. After two extended hospitalizations, I am well.
But I had to lie and say I had thoughts of killing my daughter. I'm ashamed. But the first time I was hospitalized, I begged for help, it was promised, but never came. So I had to go beyond and force the hands of the social workers and child mental health people.
We have services now. I still have my kids, and never stopped loving them.
I have a 31 year old daughter. I tried to get pregnant and was thrilled when she came. Her father and I divorced and did everything I could as a single mom to raise her right. When I remarried she hated that she was no longer the center of attention and everything went to hell. She was later diagnosed as bi-polar and has it is bad enough that she is on disability. She rebelled in high school and even tho we sent her to college she wouldn't go to class and snuck back to spend time with her boyfriend. One semester was all it took and we gave up. She ended up on drugs, and her addictions went from Meth to Oxy to Heroin. She stole from me, I had her arrested. I have done everything I could to help her and she is still troubled.
While I don't hate her, I hate what she is right now. She will still steal from me given the chance. She was over last week and stole my dish washing liquid, the silver coins out of my change cup and some things out of my cupboard. Had she asked, I would have given them to her. She also stole a bottle of Vicodin from when I hurt my rotator cuff a few weeks ago. She is my only daughter and every dream I ever had for her will never happen.
I was 17 and found out the 22 year old sex friend got pregnant despite her on birth control and me using a condom at least 50% of the time. I told her to get an abortion which she said no to originally because she really actually wanted to have "my child"
She tried convincing me with stuff like: with both of us as parents the baby'll be gorgeous, she'll have my smarts, I won 't have to change my lifestyle since it'll be better to be educated, her parents can help out etc. etc. etc.
I didn't buy it. I finally convinced her to abort but she said we needed to end things so I ended up one less sex friend.
Fast forward 6 years
I've been in an accident that left me quadriplegic two years ago. I get added on facebook by my former sex friend. SHE HAS A SIX YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.
I didn't feel betrayed...I FELT TERRIBLE. She may have had the child against my will but I JUST LEFT HER TO FEND FOR HERSELF FOR SIX YEARS. WHAT KIND OF INHUMANE ACT IS THAT? She told me she just found out I had my accident even though it was a while and not to worry about money or being a father figure to OUR daughter. I'm hounded by all these conflicting feelings.
I don't need to be a father figure because her fiancé will take care of it. I want to.
I don't need to help support? I want to.
I don't need to care about them? I want to.
I cant help out because I'm crippled? I want to.
Im not allowed to be near them because it'll interfere with their newly wed life?
I feel like the life I should have had doesn't want me. I never wanted a daughter but that doesn't matter because she went ahead and had her anyway. I should help her instead I'm out partying and dating frivolously until I ended up quadriplegic.
I want to be able to support her but I can't.
I don't even know anymore but I've built up so much resentment...and JEALOUSY that I..."dislike" them.
The old adage, you don't know what you've got till it's gone rings true, so painfully true.
Thank you all. I've really wanted to ask this question to see if others felt like me but have been too afraid to out myself.
I've always wanted what most girls wanted: Husband, children, be a crafty stay at home pinterest mom. Ended up with baby #1 way sooner than we planned because we were stupid. Baby #2 was a birth control failure. I tried to be a stay at home when #1 was a baby but it was hell (turns out she had autism with sensory issues). I couldn't wait to get back to work.
Occasionally they'll do something cute, or crawl into my lap, and that makes me feel something. But since we had them so young, every day I feel annoyed that we're constantly broke and there's not much I can do about it. I can't put in extra hours at work because I have to pick up the kids after school. We've put in many thousands of dollars to daycare/afterschool care that could've gone to paying off student loans. We should be saving for a house but instead I have to buy winter clothes for them because they outgrew last year's.
I don't hate my kids by any means... but I think a lot about how life would be different without them.
I didn't want him. A long time ago I thought I wanted a kid, but after having to raise my sister's for a while, I realized that I didn't. My wife wanted a kid. I tried to convince her of what raising one is like, that everything you are goes into the child. She told me she was going off her birth control, I just didn't expect her to go off so soon.
We now have one. He is adorable. But I do not love him. I feel very little for him. I wish he hadn't been born. He has financially hit us hard, I am having to rearrange a lot of projects I've been working on for years, which means making other people rearrange their lives for him, and what is worse, he has taken my wife's creative energy out of her. She barely has any time to work on her art, and when she has the time, she doesn't have the energy.
This sounds a bit like ... Still a baby boy? First something 2 years are almost always exhausting, when they are able to communicate it becomes more fun, you get to learn and know them. Many dads I know were, like: okay it's a baby, alright. But when the child gets bigger the love grew exponentially. While you're feeling might never change, which is okay, you can't control feelings, you can control how your act about those feelings. And calling him adorable sounds good to me. ❤️ All the best!
I want to start by saying that I am not at the point where I do not love my daughter, but there are days that I look at her and just view her as a human that I have to care for out of obligation. Maybe it is because I never wanted children, my fiancé basically left us, and I am in the middle of my nursing degree (which adds an intense amount of stress..). I don't think I have it bad compared to others, but it really doesn't help that I didn't want children, and I really wanted to develop my career and even continue my education as a nurse practitioner. There are many many things I wanted to do during my career besides just continuing education, but now with a child I can't do them. It doesn't necessarily make me not love her, but it definitely stirs up some bad and really negative feelings towards being the mother I should be. I feel like a big part of me has been stripped away, and when my fiancé took the path that he did I then had absolutely no help with her, so I felt even more defeated. I'm not sure if this is a satisfactory answer to your question.. But wanted to give my perspective as a parent who is kind of caught in the middle.
There's is not an answer of how a mother should be. It's okay to feel like hell and hate your children sometimes, because deep down you know you love them and would prefer to die instead of letting them go. BUT if you really can't love her, if you really and deep down feel like she is the burden you would instantly leave behind if it wasn't for the social reply, then please leave her to someone who wants her. The children can feel these things, and is hurtful to grow up with it. It will be much better, maybe, if you just "quit" her.
My wife wanted kids, I didn't. But I loved her more than I didn't want kids so we had two.
I never loved them or genuinely cared about them. I did all of the father stuff, more than most honestly. A ton of people who know me personally won't shut up about how amazing of a father I am/how they wish their husbands were as good to their children as I am to mine.
But it's all an act. I can't wait until they move out and I don't have to worry about them anymore. Can't wait to get my life back.
My throwaway for obvious reasons.
I'm a mother to a very lively child of about 8. I never wanted kids. Ever.
At the time I was a mess, on a massive psychiatric cocktail from hell (which, as a fun fact, turns out was all a misdiagnosis from the start, as I had the right combination at 13 of anxiety, depression, and so many damn hormones to get myself a diagnosis for a far worse condition), I only started dating the dude due to a horribly bitter breakup from a very longtime relationship, and I was miserable and back home for the first time in my adult life.
But, he had known that I didn't want kids. At the time, I couldn't take any form of hormonal birth control, due to the cocktail above. I wasn't aware of any other options.
Her father and I were in a really rough patch, and I think he realized there wasn't much hope of me staying with him for much longer. He was right in that, as I would likely have left shortly after.
So, one night he's frisky, and promises he's wearing protection (I was rather drunk as it was right after a formal event for his unit (just, so much drinking. I was a huge lightweight at the time) - so as I had no other reason to not trust him- we do what couples do. He, of course, lied to me, which I found out after.
We get married, mostly for healthcare. I won't lie, in hindsight - this was a huge f*****g mess. But, at the time I was convinced it was the only option I had.
I really want to go back in time and punch myself in the fact. Just, right in the face.
So, suddenly I'm pregnant.
He was deployed almost immediately after. So, here I am - pregnant, alone, absolutely terrified, and quite honestly assuming my (ex)husband is going to die overseas, and I'm f*****g lost. I cannot ever remember feeling like this before.
Happy 24th birthday, me!
As for now?
Now the kid is 8. He's started cheating a long time ago (go on, act surprised!). Right after he came back from deployment, he's cheated with about 50 odd women (paid and not) and spent literally all of our combined money (well over 40,000 in savings).
While yes, a LOT of f*****g amazingly wonderful things have happened due to this kid, I'm still at a loss over things. If he calls once in 6 months, it's amazing. But, to a degree I guess that I consider lucky. My parents have helped out, and I've met someone amazing.
But, it's not the life I wanted for anyone. It's not fair to my kid, and it's not fair (selfishly) to me.
I'm not maternal, at all. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But I'm the exact opposite of anything maternal it's not funny. I wanted to be like my mom, but I'm just not. I have her always and forever, but I'm bad at this, and I have no idea what I'm doing.
I see all these moms posting all this amazing stuff, and I want to feel this way. I don't think it's just her, as since everything, I've realized - I have a hard time forming bonds with people, and here I have this screaming mess of a tiny human at times, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm envious of these woman who have that love I can't seem to form.
I was adopted myself, and while my family has been nothing short of amazing, I think it's done a number on me in general.
If I had ever had kids, I wanted them to be planned and very much wanted at the time. When I had her - I was broke, beyond lost, and I hated her dad (he confessed to me that he had 'won' after I told him during a call that I had heard her heart beating, he confessed the rest after I asked him what that meant).
Now, I'm doing better. So is the kid. I wish I could say that my family had stepped in and realized that I was horribly suffering, but no. My family cannot for the life of them understand why I'm not defaulting to maternal. They've actually been far more of a hindrance on the process than anything. If she's upset, or cries, it's clearly my fault. If I say 'no' I'm overreacting. I've given up on my family due to all this.
But, I have a good job, and am able to support us. So, I guess that's something in and of itself. So, I would like to have that final 'planned' child, which may or may not happen. I love her, but I want to experience something like that, someday. Oddly, I do think it would help. But, to be fair, I guess I don't really care if I have anymore.
At this point, I'm still home for a bit longer. But, we're managing. I'm miserable, but am hoping things will start looking up soon.
I do love my kid. But at the same time I regret every moment I've lived since I knocked up the psycho mother. I NEVER wanted kids. I LOATHE kids. But my hormones got the better of me and, long story short, I'm now a single father with sole custody of a whiny, bitchy, mental-as-hell- 10 year old that I had to take out of school due to daily breakdowns and panic attacks. My child's shrinks (yes plural) say to not push school as it promotes panic attacks so I lost my job 2 months ago as I had no one to take car of the kid during the day. Now Christmas is upon us, I'm broke, and if it wasn't for the kindness of my parents, I'd be boned. The only reason I stepped up and have tried with all my might to be a father is because my (real) father ran off when I was only 2 and had himself a great life full of money and fun. Until he married the black widow and ended up dead anyway LOL. So I admit openly to being bitter. My dad was s**t, my ex is s**t, my life is s**t. I can't get a job because my mom is no longer capable of babysitting my kid for me, and if I can't get them back into school, I'm never gonna get my life back. P.S. Anyone willing to hunt down and kill my kid's mom feel free. She really does deserve it. She is a horrid person. She ditched all 3 of her kids to party, become an alcoholic, and worm her way into marrying a guy making 80k a year. Still has nothing to do with her 3 kids because she is too busy being drunk and doesn't pay those taking care of her kids a damn penny.
Seems most of the stories here are of people being stupid. Most of them were simply horny and couldn't control themselves and had sex without birth control, or at least a good one. If you already know you aren't ready for children of if you already know you don't want children, why do you risk it?!?! Then you only have yourself to blame.
Note: this post originally had 58 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
I feel that those that do not want children and know they do not want children should be able to get themselves sterilized with minimal hoop jumping. I know it is much easier for a man to get a vasectomy, than it is for a woman to get her tubes tied. We need to normalize this procedure for women that do not want children. Quit badgering people to have children if they do not want them! The world won't stop spinning because someone doesn't want to push out a child.
I agree. Birth control pills are expensive. Abortion isn't an option in many places. Men need act responsibly, don't blame the woman -- grow up! (Yes there are men who can't have surgery. How about the rest of you?)
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These are so heartbreaking to read. And now, if the evangelicals get their way, there will be many, many unwanted children.
I can't believe I read every single one of these stories thinking I'd get one from my mom. I know she loves me, but I've never felt it, and she's never showed it. Never said I love you, no hugs, just went through the motions. I was fed and had a roof, and she went through hell with multiple jobs to take care of me. But it's like she just didn't have the emotional ability to love me. Just do things so I didn't die.
I am so incredibly sorry. I cannot imagine how isolating this must have felt.
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As someone with a couple relevant social science degrees, I cannot help but wonder about the damage to these children. Every one of these children will wonder what is wrong with them, and why they aren't wanted. It will eat at them. Hopefully, they will learn to adjust, and realize that none of it was because of them. I couldn't even finish reading these...I had to stop a few responses in...I know I can't help them, so I know I can't have this information in my mind. I'm glad these women knew themselves well enough to try not to damage the children, and I sincerely hope it will be enough. I realized I didn't want marriage, not even a partner, and definitely not children. So, I don't. Because I know the damage that can be done.
It feels like as a society we are sold this idea that having children is the most perfect wonderful thing ever, and anyone who says something like "I can't wait till there's no more night feeds" or "I can't wait till this stage is over" is sort of looked down on as not Enjoying Parenting Properly. Which means people who really do hate it, who bought into the idea it's wonderful and fulfilling and marvellous, feel unable to express that. These conversations are important, because we can't keep pretending parenting is for everyone. It isn't. If you love it, great. if you tolerate it but still think it was worth it, great, but it's not for everyone.
My wife and I have a daughter who is 25 years old. She had a first child (our granddaughter) at age of 15. Her second (grandson) at the age of 18, and her third (granddaughter) at 21. She and her boyfriend, who is the same age would not mind, would not listen, didn't care if they were grounded. They snuck out all the time. His parents and us tried everything we could possibly think of to keep them from being stupid. My wife even took our daughter to get on birth control, she didn't take it. Now at 25, the boyfriend is in prison for dealing drugs, and our daughter won't work. My wife and I have all three grandkids most of the time. Their mother only pops in maybe once a week to see them for an hour, then she's gone again. The grandkids don't even view her as their mother. My wife and I also have another daughter who went to university and now has a rewarding career. Sometimes you just get a bad apple.
Whenever I asks my mom if she loves me, her response is simply, "No." If I ask my dad, "His response is either, "Hell, no. Are you out of your damn mind?" or "Hell, no. Get out of here." Both my parents verbally, physically and emotionally abused me when I was a child. I got bullied at school but I doubt my dad did anything as I was still bullied. Because of this, I desperately want to have children of my own so that I can raise them the way my parents should have raised me. With love and by teaching my children right and wrong in a positive manner rather then screaming my head off when the kids screw up. As a matter of fact, if I ever had any kids, I wouldn't let them visit my parents because I don't want them to be treated the same way my parents treated me and I sure as hell don't want them picking up homophobic and racists ideas from them either. I would teach my children to accept everybody for who they are.
I'm so sorry, Jason. No child should ever be treated this way. I hope your life is filled with people who truly love you, and that you understand and appreciate your own value.
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F*CK all of this. I do believe society would be best if we had to fill a form to have children, or show we really wanted them. They say to go to hell, but we already are, this a a hell you all bringing new souls to, every frickin day. You suffer and suffered a lot, I'm sure, but dude, you know who are the ones who suffered the most and who are now carrying YOUR suffering too? The children. Let's make a normal situation to chose to not have or to have at 20, if you don't want, get a permanently sterilized. If you later chose to have, just adopt.
As a proud father I say to any that choose not to be a parent or give a child up for adoption, good for you! You have my respect and admiration. It takes a responsible and decent human to recognize the work and effort that goes into being a parent. I recognize and admire your respect for what it takes to raise a child and your selflessness that you show when choose not to have a child or whether you choose an abortion or an adoption. You are putting the needs of a child first by your actions and are every bit as decent and worthy of recognition as a great parent is. Thank you for your foresight and self awareness.
All of these people are victims of the social pressure to have or keep a pregnancy. The pressure alone should be evidence that this life is not something you want to bring a kid into. And yes, I'm an antinatalist.
Yes, and the other thing is that once the child is in the world, society does not give a damn any more. I feel that many, many of those stories above could have become better significantly, if the parents had had proper life conditions and a proper support system (doctor's, therapists, social workers, welfare, guaranteed income by the government, ...). Instead parents are told to just be happy because of those blessings...
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I'm from a mother who had post natal depression when she had me. How do I know? I was always a bit suspicious and my grandmother told me. Even now my mother can't "connect" with me. I'm in my 40s and it still hurts
I'm so sorry. I experienced post natal depression from the mother's side, and it's horrifying. But I can't imagine how awful it must feel from your side as the child. I hope you're able to make peace with the fact that it's NOT YOUR FAULT and neither is it your mother's.
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What about those of us with no feelings for our family members? I have no connection to my siblings nor they to me. They are totally different than I am. Same with my parents. My Dad's method of communicating with us was screaming in our faces. My Mom was so desperate to hang onto him, she ignored us and went off to play with him on weekends. My Dad died a year ago and I really don't care. My mother is 90 and a right wing nutjob with all sorts of conspiracy theories. She would be happier to die. My sisters also hold despicable human rights beliefs and if I never see either of them for the rest of my life, that's fine with me. My kids and my granddaughter are my life. They have stood by me through thick and thin. I was divorced from their father and made sure they saw him whenever possible, despite my "family" calling and yelling at me that he shouldn't see them because he couldn't pay child support. He died 3 years after our divorce and no one can ever say that I kept them apart.
damn dude I'm sorry, I'm glad you let their father still have connections to the kids it is important to a degree. I don't feel very connected to my family either, my dad was a navy drill instructor the only memories I have of him as a kid weren't great either but he still tries, some scars don't heal tho. my mom smothers & won't let go, my kids dad won't divorce me just like my dad with my mom, because of $ & denial. Idk 1 of my brothers at all except for his 1st name, the other 1 introduced me to some of my favorite music & games but that's it, moved to Iowa didn't say a word to ne1 & flaked out on his 2 kids then got some other chick pregnant. if it was just me & my 2 boys I'd b "happier" but circumstances :{ (honestly I wouldn't mind dying myself if I didn't have my boys but I want to try & help them in dealing with ppl as much as I can) I hope you/yer kids& granddaughter r doing ok.
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4 years away from 40 and still questioning if I want kids...this didn't help but maybe it did.
If you're not sure, it's a no. I feel like getting married or having children is something you must have a desire to do.
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This post ought to be titled "30 Parents Anonymously Share How They Messed Up"
As a 37 y.o. female that has never wanted kids and has kept her opinion through everything, the most annoying thing is when people are reckless with their sex life and birth control, get pregnant or get someone pregnant and then suddenly "uhhohh, I don't like my kid". You think you have the privilege to live like a moron and not live with the consequence. F*** you.
I wanted to be a parent and love my child more than anything in the entire universe. AND ALSO I hate how she makes my house messy, I hate that I have to put her first financially and she will never appreciate that, and I hate how much of my time revolves around her. I hate what pregnancy did to my body. So whenever I think of people subjecting themselves to parenthood and all of its struggles without actually wanting to raise a human... I just don't get it. Like no. You will hate every second.
I love my kids more than anything. But I'm upset by the fact my parents never babysit, that childcare fees are so high I'm never left with fun money and the constant noise and mess never seems to stop. I wanted them snd I still do but the lack of surrounding support is something I never anticipated and crushes my spirit. I'd love to spend more time playing with them but I spend more time caring for them
Load More Replies... If you know you don't want children, please please please make sure you do all you can to keep it that way, either by surgery or implantation or the like.
And I mean this in the best possible way, look how miserable people have been after being manipulated into having children when they didn't want to
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I love my sons (K 30 and S 23) but both were not intended children... more like "surprises". My older son K., is very similar to me in character. Rather relaxed... and he is much more extroverted (confident) than me. The younger son S, is the complete opposite. You could say he has "a very short fuse". I've never been good with people who get upset easily (for no reason) and make drama out of whatever they're starring in... S does that regularly. So, I just get along better with K. Depression is also a big problem for us... due to some very unfortunate events in the past. Unfortunately, not all of us take the professional help they need. I really love them... always. But sometimes, I really don't like them... at all.
I wonder how many of these people come from a strong Christian background. It seems to be the case in many instances I've read about lately on AITA.
I don't think a Bored Panda article has ever made me weep before. May all these parents + their children be happy + well to the best of their ability. + for the guy who became a dad at 17, who has been showing up for his kid every day, I pray he addresses his self loathing, bc actually, love is an action, not a feeling + he gets that.
I know that BP has a tendency of posting old articles/threads, but this is from 8 years ago
1. Don't believe 80% of anonymous things posted on the internet. 2. It is NOT NORMAL for a mother to not bond with her children. We are biologically built for it. It's science. 3. Mother's should seek counseling if they they feel emotionally detached from their children, there are a lot of well known issues that can be diagnosed and treated. The body goes through a lot during pregnancy and for some it can take over a year to start feeling normal especially if your partner sucks and you're not getting to eat and sleep as needed. 4. It's not acceptable to not love your child. Sorry, but no and it's not something we should even consider normalizing. Go get therapy.
I only read a couple and everyone here is f****d up. Find a way to kill yourselves. We'll wait.
I feel that those that do not want children and know they do not want children should be able to get themselves sterilized with minimal hoop jumping. I know it is much easier for a man to get a vasectomy, than it is for a woman to get her tubes tied. We need to normalize this procedure for women that do not want children. Quit badgering people to have children if they do not want them! The world won't stop spinning because someone doesn't want to push out a child.
I agree. Birth control pills are expensive. Abortion isn't an option in many places. Men need act responsibly, don't blame the woman -- grow up! (Yes there are men who can't have surgery. How about the rest of you?)
Load More Replies... These are so heartbreaking to read. And now, if the evangelicals get their way, there will be many, many unwanted children.
I can't believe I read every single one of these stories thinking I'd get one from my mom. I know she loves me, but I've never felt it, and she's never showed it. Never said I love you, no hugs, just went through the motions. I was fed and had a roof, and she went through hell with multiple jobs to take care of me. But it's like she just didn't have the emotional ability to love me. Just do things so I didn't die.
I am so incredibly sorry. I cannot imagine how isolating this must have felt.
Load More Replies... As someone with a couple relevant social science degrees, I cannot help but wonder about the damage to these children. Every one of these children will wonder what is wrong with them, and why they aren't wanted. It will eat at them. Hopefully, they will learn to adjust, and realize that none of it was because of them. I couldn't even finish reading these...I had to stop a few responses in...I know I can't help them, so I know I can't have this information in my mind. I'm glad these women knew themselves well enough to try not to damage the children, and I sincerely hope it will be enough. I realized I didn't want marriage, not even a partner, and definitely not children. So, I don't. Because I know the damage that can be done.
It feels like as a society we are sold this idea that having children is the most perfect wonderful thing ever, and anyone who says something like "I can't wait till there's no more night feeds" or "I can't wait till this stage is over" is sort of looked down on as not Enjoying Parenting Properly. Which means people who really do hate it, who bought into the idea it's wonderful and fulfilling and marvellous, feel unable to express that. These conversations are important, because we can't keep pretending parenting is for everyone. It isn't. If you love it, great. if you tolerate it but still think it was worth it, great, but it's not for everyone.
My wife and I have a daughter who is 25 years old. She had a first child (our granddaughter) at age of 15. Her second (grandson) at the age of 18, and her third (granddaughter) at 21. She and her boyfriend, who is the same age would not mind, would not listen, didn't care if they were grounded. They snuck out all the time. His parents and us tried everything we could possibly think of to keep them from being stupid. My wife even took our daughter to get on birth control, she didn't take it. Now at 25, the boyfriend is in prison for dealing drugs, and our daughter won't work. My wife and I have all three grandkids most of the time. Their mother only pops in maybe once a week to see them for an hour, then she's gone again. The grandkids don't even view her as their mother. My wife and I also have another daughter who went to university and now has a rewarding career. Sometimes you just get a bad apple.
Whenever I asks my mom if she loves me, her response is simply, "No." If I ask my dad, "His response is either, "Hell, no. Are you out of your damn mind?" or "Hell, no. Get out of here." Both my parents verbally, physically and emotionally abused me when I was a child. I got bullied at school but I doubt my dad did anything as I was still bullied. Because of this, I desperately want to have children of my own so that I can raise them the way my parents should have raised me. With love and by teaching my children right and wrong in a positive manner rather then screaming my head off when the kids screw up. As a matter of fact, if I ever had any kids, I wouldn't let them visit my parents because I don't want them to be treated the same way my parents treated me and I sure as hell don't want them picking up homophobic and racists ideas from them either. I would teach my children to accept everybody for who they are.
I'm so sorry, Jason. No child should ever be treated this way. I hope your life is filled with people who truly love you, and that you understand and appreciate your own value.
Load More Replies... F*CK all of this. I do believe society would be best if we had to fill a form to have children, or show we really wanted them. They say to go to hell, but we already are, this a a hell you all bringing new souls to, every frickin day. You suffer and suffered a lot, I'm sure, but dude, you know who are the ones who suffered the most and who are now carrying YOUR suffering too? The children. Let's make a normal situation to chose to not have or to have at 20, if you don't want, get a permanently sterilized. If you later chose to have, just adopt.
As a proud father I say to any that choose not to be a parent or give a child up for adoption, good for you! You have my respect and admiration. It takes a responsible and decent human to recognize the work and effort that goes into being a parent. I recognize and admire your respect for what it takes to raise a child and your selflessness that you show when choose not to have a child or whether you choose an abortion or an adoption. You are putting the needs of a child first by your actions and are every bit as decent and worthy of recognition as a great parent is. Thank you for your foresight and self awareness.
All of these people are victims of the social pressure to have or keep a pregnancy. The pressure alone should be evidence that this life is not something you want to bring a kid into. And yes, I'm an antinatalist.
Yes, and the other thing is that once the child is in the world, society does not give a damn any more. I feel that many, many of those stories above could have become better significantly, if the parents had had proper life conditions and a proper support system (doctor's, therapists, social workers, welfare, guaranteed income by the government, ...). Instead parents are told to just be happy because of those blessings...
Load More Replies... I'm from a mother who had post natal depression when she had me. How do I know? I was always a bit suspicious and my grandmother told me. Even now my mother can't "connect" with me. I'm in my 40s and it still hurts
I'm so sorry. I experienced post natal depression from the mother's side, and it's horrifying. But I can't imagine how awful it must feel from your side as the child. I hope you're able to make peace with the fact that it's NOT YOUR FAULT and neither is it your mother's.
Load More Replies... What about those of us with no feelings for our family members? I have no connection to my siblings nor they to me. They are totally different than I am. Same with my parents. My Dad's method of communicating with us was screaming in our faces. My Mom was so desperate to hang onto him, she ignored us and went off to play with him on weekends. My Dad died a year ago and I really don't care. My mother is 90 and a right wing nutjob with all sorts of conspiracy theories. She would be happier to die. My sisters also hold despicable human rights beliefs and if I never see either of them for the rest of my life, that's fine with me. My kids and my granddaughter are my life. They have stood by me through thick and thin. I was divorced from their father and made sure they saw him whenever possible, despite my "family" calling and yelling at me that he shouldn't see them because he couldn't pay child support. He died 3 years after our divorce and no one can ever say that I kept them apart.
damn dude I'm sorry, I'm glad you let their father still have connections to the kids it is important to a degree. I don't feel very connected to my family either, my dad was a navy drill instructor the only memories I have of him as a kid weren't great either but he still tries, some scars don't heal tho. my mom smothers & won't let go, my kids dad won't divorce me just like my dad with my mom, because of $ & denial. Idk 1 of my brothers at all except for his 1st name, the other 1 introduced me to some of my favorite music & games but that's it, moved to Iowa didn't say a word to ne1 & flaked out on his 2 kids then got some other chick pregnant. if it was just me & my 2 boys I'd b "happier" but circumstances :{ (honestly I wouldn't mind dying myself if I didn't have my boys but I want to try & help them in dealing with ppl as much as I can) I hope you/yer kids& granddaughter r doing ok.
Load More Replies... 4 years away from 40 and still questioning if I want kids...this didn't help but maybe it did.
If you're not sure, it's a no. I feel like getting married or having children is something you must have a desire to do.
Load More Replies... This post ought to be titled "30 Parents Anonymously Share How They Messed Up"
As a 37 y.o. female that has never wanted kids and has kept her opinion through everything, the most annoying thing is when people are reckless with their sex life and birth control, get pregnant or get someone pregnant and then suddenly "uhhohh, I don't like my kid". You think you have the privilege to live like a moron and not live with the consequence. F*** you.
I wanted to be a parent and love my child more than anything in the entire universe. AND ALSO I hate how she makes my house messy, I hate that I have to put her first financially and she will never appreciate that, and I hate how much of my time revolves around her. I hate what pregnancy did to my body. So whenever I think of people subjecting themselves to parenthood and all of its struggles without actually wanting to raise a human... I just don't get it. Like no. You will hate every second.
I love my kids more than anything. But I'm upset by the fact my parents never babysit, that childcare fees are so high I'm never left with fun money and the constant noise and mess never seems to stop. I wanted them snd I still do but the lack of surrounding support is something I never anticipated and crushes my spirit. I'd love to spend more time playing with them but I spend more time caring for them
Load More Replies... If you know you don't want children, please please please make sure you do all you can to keep it that way, either by surgery or implantation or the like.
And I mean this in the best possible way, look how miserable people have been after being manipulated into having children when they didn't want to
Load More Replies... I love my sons (K 30 and S 23) but both were not intended children... more like "surprises". My older son K., is very similar to me in character. Rather relaxed... and he is much more extroverted (confident) than me. The younger son S, is the complete opposite. You could say he has "a very short fuse". I've never been good with people who get upset easily (for no reason) and make drama out of whatever they're starring in... S does that regularly. So, I just get along better with K. Depression is also a big problem for us... due to some very unfortunate events in the past. Unfortunately, not all of us take the professional help they need. I really love them... always. But sometimes, I really don't like them... at all.
I wonder how many of these people come from a strong Christian background. It seems to be the case in many instances I've read about lately on AITA.
I don't think a Bored Panda article has ever made me weep before. May all these parents + their children be happy + well to the best of their ability. + for the guy who became a dad at 17, who has been showing up for his kid every day, I pray he addresses his self loathing, bc actually, love is an action, not a feeling + he gets that.
I know that BP has a tendency of posting old articles/threads, but this is from 8 years ago
1. Don't believe 80% of anonymous things posted on the internet. 2. It is NOT NORMAL for a mother to not bond with her children. We are biologically built for it. It's science. 3. Mother's should seek counseling if they they feel emotionally detached from their children, there are a lot of well known issues that can be diagnosed and treated. The body goes through a lot during pregnancy and for some it can take over a year to start feeling normal especially if your partner sucks and you're not getting to eat and sleep as needed. 4. It's not acceptable to not love your child. Sorry, but no and it's not something we should even consider normalizing. Go get therapy.
I only read a couple and everyone here is f****d up. Find a way to kill yourselves. We'll wait.
