Mom Excludes Her Black Stepdaughter From A Christmas Family Pic, Is Surprised By People Calling Her Racist
Recently, a story posted on r/AITA received quite a backlash from people. The post comes from a 32-year-old mom of 4 kids, one of which is her husband’s daughter from a previous marriage.
“I am 32F, my husband Jack is 36M. We have Lydia, Carol and Solomon together. Jack has Enephrine from a different marriage.” For the last week of summer before the kids started school, the family went on vacation. Mom said she wanted to take Christmas card photos while they were away since it’s “a common theme in her family.”
“Here’s the problem,” wrote mom. She continued: “Jack is white, but Enephrine’s mom is black and she turned out looking very, very much like her.” It turned out, the woman didn’t want Enephrine in the family photograph because, in her own words, her parents are pretty racist and would make a fuss about it.
As you can imagine, this didn’t go well with the people in the r/AITA community. Not only was the woman dubbed an a-hole, she received tons of backlash for, well, being awfully racist.
One woman has recently shared a story about how she didn’t want her stepdaughter in a family photo because she feared her racist parents would make a fuss out of it
Image credits: Chris Benson (not the actual photo)
This is the post she shared on r/AITA where people in the community immediately detected mom’s racism
Multiracial Americans make up a growing demographic, estimated at 9 million in the last census. The number of Americans who identify as multiracial is growing at three times faster than the normal population, according to the Pew Research Center. Sadly, just like virtually every person of color, multiracial people have encountered racism at some point in their lives.
What’s even more disturbing is that racial prejudice between family members is not an uncommon occurrence. According to this 2015 Pew study, a vast majority of multiracial people, 90%, say they have not been mistreated by a relative or extended family member because of their mixed-race background.
What makes it even more problematic is that being in denial about systemic racism is often deeply embedded into families and their members. In some families, racial background becomes a taboo they refuse to talk about, silencing their heritage, which is often just as painful as racism itself.
People dubbed mom the a-hole and said she’s a racist herself
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Exactly. She said there was limited contact and they never met the girl. So how would anything they said when getting a card would even get back to her?
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Exactly THIS. Most atrocities in history were allowed to happen and to continue happening because of accommodating people, people who did not want to "rock the boat".
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Yep, asshole. More importantly, as the child is 8, you're the bridge between her and her step-grandparents. Don't let their slurs get to her. Don't let her ever hear them. Sever that connection and protect your stepdaughter just like you would if your parents were coming after your bio-kids. (Also, Dad is an asshole for telling the 8 year-old this. Unless she specifically asked why she was excluded, this isn't something you offload onto a child because you're mad at Stepmom.)
The dad’s reaction needs to be addressed too! OP might have married someone just as self righteous and authoritative as her parents. Not good.
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ESH. The parents, being racist, obviously suck. The OP, having made a terrible decision that will probably harm this child for life, sucks. The father, who TOLD the child that her stepmother did not want her in the picture because the child is black, sucks. This last one really bothers me as well because the OP says that the child did not notice at first why she was excluded and was made to eventually feel included, but the father made SURE she knew, just to get back at the OP. He's using the poor girl as a p awn (not sure why that word gets bleeped out if I type it all in one go) in his own anger - and however justified his feelings are, that's just wrong. That whole family needs to sit down, admit their wrongdoings, and do MUCH better in the future by that little girl.
I'd disagree about the Dad being an AH. The girl is probably being treated differently by the stepmom outside of this one incident. She'll start recognizing the other times she's been excluded and will know why. It's better for the kid in the long run. She'll learn how to establish boundaries with the stepmom so that she won't be hurt in the future. It's a painful lesson, but one better learned sooner than later.
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Sorry, but if your parents are offended because you have a step-daughter that's black, maybe you should remove your parents from the picture. How dare you make a child feel less than worthy because of the color of her skin! She's at an age where she's very impressionable and you just slapped her in the face with racism. Your role as step-mom is to love and protect her unconditionally...even from your own parents if necessary.
I think she was trying to come from a good place but I think lost perspective on this. She allowed her behavior to be dictated by people that, by her own admission, she isn't close with and whose values she didn't share. And what she inadvertently traded was protecting her step daughter. Conflict isn't always to be avoided. I think she could make this right by deleting the ones without the step-daughter, apologizing, sending the whole family photo, and being prepared to cut ties with the racist parents. She needs to show the step-daughter she has her back and will burn anyone down that comes after her on the basis of color.
I agree. I think that she ment well and she genuinely wanted to shield her step daughter. But definitely she should not have done this. She should tell her parents to stfo or they wont see any of the grandkids. Not only for the poor girl but also the others kids. You dont want their disgusting ideas to be heard by them!
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she's DEFINITELY the asshole ! Racist much? Imagine cow-towing to her racist parents instead of supporting that dear little girl! Just disgusting !!
To be honest, I wouldn't even bother sending them a card. Children pick up when they're not as accepted as their brothers and sisters (speaking from experience), and so to even consider excluding her from a 'family' photo would really hurt her for many years to come. If you love a child and you're not racist, why would you even consider excluding her?
Man. That's bad. F*ck a racist. Can you imagine hurting this poor baby girls feelings because you want to protect the scummy racist? OP is just as bad. My kids didn't even know what the N-word was until they went to daycare. That lasted about three weeks.
I’m so sorry that your kids learned the n-word at daycare!!! My kid learned the n-word from John Lewis’s comic book, March. We read it together so he could understand what it’s all about.
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It's an example how people use racism to prove that they are not racists. I feel sorry for her stepdaughter who even has to deal with racism in her own home, the place where she should feel safe and protected.
She's asking for validation. And reading some of these comments, apparently she will get it somewhere.
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Stop catering to and yielding to racists. Let them be mad and uncomfortable. You sent a message to your stepdaughter and it's not a good one. Grow a backbone, ma'am!
If you want to protect her, then embrace her. Don't protect the racist grandparents... compliance is racism. REAL protection would be embracing the daughter, and either engaging with the grandparents/putting them on notice OR just cutting them out entirely and telling them why. Step-mom here is the asshole, she is asshole layered upon asshole... she may be the turducken of assholitude.
YTA. You were more interested in protecting yourself from abusive fallout from your family, than trying to protect the child from a-holes. She's going to face this her entire life, you can't hide her from it and doing so will only make it more difficult for her to handle in the future. Yes, the poor child, and her father, now think you don't like her because she's black. You pretty much told her so under the guise of "i don't want to anger my parents". If you truly loved this child like your own biological children, you would have mailed the card as-is to your family and told them to suck it. The fact you prioritize being liked by racist a-holes over the wellbeing of the child, means you shouldn't be her stepmom, and I wouldn't blame the father for getting so upset over this he considers leaving you, you've shown a side of yourself no one would want to see, and it's pretty disgusting.
oh so YTA! my son married a wonderful woman who happens to be black and, therefore, my grandson is biracial. when my now-ex in laws first found out about their marriage they hinted at trying to find out if i was upset about this. absolutely not! they never said anything directly but i know that they may have wondered about my not caring. we do not have any issues with race in my family but i do know that when i married into the family it was surprising to them to find out that 1. i had been married before; 2. i had a child; 3. i was not of the same nationality as them; and 4. i was jewish. but, i was white in their eyes. they always treated me well throughout the long marriage. but, if anyone would ever treat them badly based on race or even suggest negative attitudes they would quickly get an ear full. whenever i introduce her to people i always refer to her as my daughter and i do get double takes because she is not an in-law - she's my daughter and always will be.
I am in the same boat as your daughter in law, Patti. I just want to say Bless YOU for being this way towards her...being married interracial in the US can get very sticky, having a supportive family that embraces and protects you is SUCH a must-have for it to be successful, IMO. I KNOW she loves you just as much!!
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YTA Only on Christmas Card terms with the racist parents - but that's still more important to you than the feelings of a kid you 'love like your own'. Get some counselling, before you completely destroy your relationship with your step-daughter and your husband.
‘I don’t want to expose her to my parents racism’ and yet here we are with her being exposed to racism, she’s done exactly the OPPOSITE of what she said. If at any point you decide to change the course of someone else’s life based upon their race then take a look in the mirror, you are looking at a racist. It doesn’t matter if it’s giving them a chocolate bar that’s a shave cheaper than their peers chocolate bar or dragging them behind a car with a chain, it’s racism.
I like how she says she want to protect her from being emotionally hurt...YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY HURTING HER! If your racist parent get a picture she can't hear their reaction, but being left out of that picture she can see yours. Just using someone elses racism as a coverup for your own. Jack needs to run and do it quickly because if someone you love can do this to your child when they are young it isn't going to get better when they are older.
It's also the emphasizing "bio kids". She really went out of her to make sure people know she is not this girls mother in anyway. What a horrible human being.
Went out of her way? The fact that she isn't the girl's mother is a fact. If she actually WAS, her parents would have completely disowned her years ago, I wager.
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Yta. If you’re worried about your parents being that bad to your stepdaughter … why send them a Christmas card at all? Have some respect for yourself and your kids, and cut people like that off.
You are the asshole, family or not, don't accept my kid?.. kick f*****g rocks, loser. My kids will come before anyone else, mother, father, grandparents, they could all f**k off before I'd treat my kid that way.
Ever think to NOT send them a picture at all? You're pandering and enabling.
YTA: "I'm not racist, but I'm going to treat you like you don't exist because of your race", ugh
My best friends grandson is a stepson to his Mom's husband. He is excluded from family pictures and it's really painful for him. He's not a different race but he still doesn't feel like a part of his mother's family. It's an overall feeling of exclusion in her life. I bet this stepdaughter is feeling the same. You know it probably goes beyond the pictures. This woman is definitely the AH! The fact that she really thought she was in the right is disturbing.
"Im not racist, but..." Lady, you are racist AF. Doing it out of care and live my ass. You don't want to be embarrassed. You don't want to have to answer questions. If you were doing it out pf love, you would have put your stepdaughter in ALL of your pictures and when one of your racist relatives made a comment you should have stood up for Enephrine. Stop making excuses for your behavior.
She's blaming everything on her parents (they're racist, they will make a fuss), but really, she's not any better than them. She claims to love girl as her own kids, but hiding her like some dirty secret "because parents will make a fuss". If she truly did not make differences between Enephrine and her bio kids, she wouldn't exclude her from photos, racist parents be damned.
OP: I am so not racist I excluded my black stepdaughter who I love my own because of her race. Am. I not awesome!
Both are. The same way. One excluded "beloved" stepdaughter from family picture "to protect", and the other tells her "Mama doesn't love you" and continued to live with said "mama". That's like, idk, government telling to minorities "we wan't help you, because bad guys will hurt you then. And we wan't restrict them, so we better restrict you. Out of love and care, of course".
if she didn't want to expose her to hurtful people she should just not have those hurtful people in her life. seems like the only logical answer here
"They would make a fuss about her being black". If you limited contacts with them and Christmas cards is pretty much the only form of communication, why dou you care? They may as well have a full-blown meltdown, how's that your problem?
Yeah, there's a much better word for this woman than asshole. It's around the same hemisphere of the body, starts with a C.
Where can I meet this woman? I have several choice words and a slap upside the head for her
Oooh this one made me mad. If I was the husband, I would consider whether I wanted to stay married to this woman. She does not value his child land that is unacceptable. Unfortunately they also have children together so that makes it more complicated.
I don't know why you got downvoted, if your partner tells you that they love your child, but don't want to be seen with her by my family because the colour of her skin, that is cause for concern regardless of the reason. I wouldn't want my child to be in an environment where there is any suggestion that they should be ashamed of being black, or that they are something which should be hidden.
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she's part of your family. racist parents need to suck it up. instead you think that your poor, sweet parents need to be protected from seeing a mixed race child. that's pretty racist.
YTA. And, so are your parents. If nobody ever stood up for those without a voice (in this case an 8 yr old child), can you imagine how much worse things would still be here in this country??? You are harming her AND standing by idly, allowing racism to continue; you are teaching your kids a s**t lesson as well... thankfully they have better heads on their shoulders than you it appears. I feel this is ignorance and a case of bullying, cowering, and abuse by your parents additionally; you really should sever ties and go to counseling.
I would have sent them the card anyways. If she truly loved her step daughter she would've let her be in the photo and sent her parents the card, shes probably racist herself because she defending her parents to ¨Help¨ her stepdaughter. She is the A-hole.
wow. i'm so sad for that little girl. if she really wanted to protect her, she should have just cut the racist people from her life and her stupid card list.
Unsurprisingly, this isn't rare as I've come across TOO MANY "not-racists" that same me as their "Black Friend". Unlike this woman, I didn't tolerate their intolerance and washed my hands of them no matter how long I've known them.
I can’t even imagine thinking excluding a child from a Christmas family picture is justifiable. Excluding someone from a picture always hurts! And they know when they’re asked to take the picture in a group setting it’s because they’re not wanted in the photo. Even if she didn’t look that upset you can be sure there’s an extra dent in her self confidence.
You chose a parent with whom you have limited contact over a child that you claim to love as one of your own.
I don't even have the right words to Write what I feel about that woman and what she did, what she is. It's so upsetting. It's disgusting!
YES-SHE'S THE RACIST ASSHOLE CRAZY TOXIC BITCH FUCKTARD SHITPILE JUST LIKE HER PARENTS!!!
You're not only TA you're TRA (The Racist Asshole) You LITERALLY did the same thing to her that your parents would've. Apple doesn't fall from the tree does it. wow.
YTA and YTB. You want us to believe that you're only on 'christmas card' terms with your parent yet you go to this extreme? If you were truly on on 'christmas card' terms with your parents you wouldn't give one damned about what they thought of the family you had the good fortune of joining.
Ffs make the poor kid feel like an outsider in her own family. F****n morons. She should be showing the girl that she is very much part of the family the same as her siblings. Screw the racist assholes.
Very soft YTA beacouse if you parents are bad then just cut them out , it can be hard though just let them hate you they ate asses anyway
You are an "accomplice" to racism, the same way we have accomplices to a theft. You may not be stealing the goods, but you're driving the get away car. You are helping your parents to be racist. You are teaching your children to jump through hoops to ignore racism. You're teaching your daughter that she does not belong. It says a lot and is a very sad situation. We're watching states like Texas write laws to ignore our history so white folks can feel better about our racist past. Now, we're watching you deny your daughter so your parents can feel better about their racism. See a pattern?
It doesnt matter the race situation or what problems your parents might have, this is still extremely damaging to a child
Okay, consider this; what if the author of the post was abused and/or neglected as a child and they are either afraid of or feel like they require attention or validation from their parents (or both)?
I almost don't even wanna read this because I'm already mad. My husbands step mother is black and my husba
Husbands ex wife is a complete and total racist who tried to pull s**t like this during holidays (we used to celebrate altogether) when my step mother in laws family would come and bring all the grand kids, nieces, nephews etc. and my step daughters obviously loves their whole family and never understand why their mom was such a bitch and it would make them visibly uncomfortable. Finally, SMIL had enough and banned her from Xmas and holidays in general. It was THE BEST feeling watching her get her ass handed to her and chewed out for once. Everyone always bit their tongue because rhe type that makes such a big stink that it's just not worth it. But watching her get booted on Xmas Eve right before dinner n having to drive 2 hours home all salty was seriously the best Xmas gift for years to come (this was 3 years ago)
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Husband should rightfully ditch YOU. How did he not see it before this?
She pretends to not be racist when in reality she is the racist one!!!!!!!! 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 Oh my gosh, it just shocks me that there are people this racist that exist!!!!
YTA indeed. She's now inflicting trauma on this 8 year old child. She should save her money doing photos and send Christmas cards that no one wants and start saving for this child's therapy she's going to need to undo the racism she's inflicted on her.
SO the A-hole! She calls her parents racist because they fault the girl for her skin color but you EXCLUDE her from a FAMILY photo because of her SKIN color! That is the definition of a racist! Oh I wish I could give this lady a piece of my mind in person. (yes, I have experienced this. I am the adoptive mother of 4 children, 2 of whom are from bi-racial birth parents. ).
Lady, you're a total bitch. What's worse is you know you were wrong and you hurt that child. If I was your husband, I would have taken my daughter out somewhere during your "family" picture time. You chose your parents racism over your own stepdaughter. WTF is wrong with you??
Racism at it's finest folks you would think because it's 2021 that we would be over this by now...but no......thereare still morons in this world
There is nothing more damaging than casual racism. She thinks that because she accepted Enephrine in her family, all her racist prejudices went away like that. That's precisely how racism jumps generations. On a completely different matter, what kind of name is "Enephrine"? It sounds like something you inject if you are in anaphylactic shock. Assuming she made all the names up for anonymity, why pick something so close to "Epinephrine" for her black child? Why not "Mary" or "Janet" or something equally plain?
This reminded me of the Christmas card scene in the Blindside, except they did it right. I'm sure it has been said, but this is the OPPOSITE of protecting Enephrine. I could not find one drop of grace to spare for family members who "had something to say" when my biracial son was born. Some of my older relatives left this world without having the privilege of meeting him. They were the losers. YTA, Stepmom, for marrying this man. If you cannot love his daughter unconditionally, you don't have the right to be her parent. Hard R my ass. Yes, you have to protect her from the hard R, but you do it by isolating the racists, not the child. You were only protecting yourself. Obviously the story hits close to home for me, but I don't see any way out of this for you. If I were your husband, I wouldnt be. Not any more.
You should have had her in the photo and send your parents a generic "happy holiday" card and everyone else the family picture.
You are just as racist as your parents. Go and apologize to that poor girl and if your parents have a problem, tell them to go screw themselves. I can't believe some people. Jeez
How does she not get that her actions are deplorable? If your parents are super racist and you have a child who is a person of color, then probably a good time to tell your parents that they have a choice, they can continue to be horrible humans, in which case you will cut off all ties with them, or they can accept you and your family and you will maintain that relationship on the condition that they treat everyone in your family with respect. The only way to make sure that she is not exposed to people who will emotionally hurt her is to tell your parents they are wrong and horrible people who you will no longer have any interaction with unless they better themselves.
Wow, the comments are all really harsh! I suspect that the woman acted out of fear, weakness, and insecurity, rather than racism. You need to be a strong and confident person to tell your parents that you want nothing more to do with them, ever, given their attitudes. Many people will make the wrong choice for 'an easy life': it's behind many of life's misunderstandings and conflicts. While we preach that honesty is the best policy (yes, it is), I'm not sure whether here we are seeing a few cases of a sinner casting stones!
I have no biological children but I have two beautiful (grown) stepchildren and when you become a parent (in any facet) it is your job to protect your children from anyone who would hurt them. This (sadly) includes your own parents in some situations. You don't get a choice or wait until your "strong and confident". You do it because it's your responsibility. Thankfully I had great parents who would have accepted my stepchildren even if they were of another race or skin color. But had they not I would have cut them off without a second thought to protect my children. We need to build them up and make THEM confident in their knowledge of right and wrong and teach them not to be racist a-holes so they can grow up to be good parents to their children.
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Does anyone have any thoughts about the pseudonyms used (Carol, Solomon, Lydia, and Enephrine)?
Color is irrelevant. To object to a person's skin color makes me wonder if you [the person who objects] has a color "standard" to rate your objections according to skin color, you know: dark tan, light tan, ok, but light skinned "POC" not ok, what's the difference? I think this kid has a bigger problem who in the hell names their kid Enephrine? Is that a take on Epinephrine? Does the kid have a severe allergy and this is to alert people to get her an epi-pen quick?
Yes! Lets all make fun of this poor little girls name! That is the adult thing to do for this post! Brilliant!!
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What I would do is take multiple pictures, one without her, and send that one to the racist family members.
Or take ALL the pictures WITH HER, since she is part of the family, and send those to everyone. No separate pics to satisfy the racists in the family. You are doing the same thing as this woman, and it is SO damaging to that little biracial child.
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Nope. Her parents have had the same opportunity to learn as anyone else. Anyone using the n word in 2021 is an awful person. Cut them out and prioritise the child. Otherwise you are allowing and condoning racism AGAINST A CHILD.
Load More Replies... Exactly. She said there was limited contact and they never met the girl. So how would anything they said when getting a card would even get back to her?
Load More Replies... Exactly THIS. Most atrocities in history were allowed to happen and to continue happening because of accommodating people, people who did not want to "rock the boat".
Load More Replies... Yep, asshole. More importantly, as the child is 8, you're the bridge between her and her step-grandparents. Don't let their slurs get to her. Don't let her ever hear them. Sever that connection and protect your stepdaughter just like you would if your parents were coming after your bio-kids. (Also, Dad is an asshole for telling the 8 year-old this. Unless she specifically asked why she was excluded, this isn't something you offload onto a child because you're mad at Stepmom.)
The dad’s reaction needs to be addressed too! OP might have married someone just as self righteous and authoritative as her parents. Not good.
Load More Replies... ESH. The parents, being racist, obviously suck. The OP, having made a terrible decision that will probably harm this child for life, sucks. The father, who TOLD the child that her stepmother did not want her in the picture because the child is black, sucks. This last one really bothers me as well because the OP says that the child did not notice at first why she was excluded and was made to eventually feel included, but the father made SURE she knew, just to get back at the OP. He's using the poor girl as a p awn (not sure why that word gets bleeped out if I type it all in one go) in his own anger - and however justified his feelings are, that's just wrong. That whole family needs to sit down, admit their wrongdoings, and do MUCH better in the future by that little girl.
I'd disagree about the Dad being an AH. The girl is probably being treated differently by the stepmom outside of this one incident. She'll start recognizing the other times she's been excluded and will know why. It's better for the kid in the long run. She'll learn how to establish boundaries with the stepmom so that she won't be hurt in the future. It's a painful lesson, but one better learned sooner than later.
Load More Replies... Sorry, but if your parents are offended because you have a step-daughter that's black, maybe you should remove your parents from the picture. How dare you make a child feel less than worthy because of the color of her skin! She's at an age where she's very impressionable and you just slapped her in the face with racism. Your role as step-mom is to love and protect her unconditionally...even from your own parents if necessary.
I think she was trying to come from a good place but I think lost perspective on this. She allowed her behavior to be dictated by people that, by her own admission, she isn't close with and whose values she didn't share. And what she inadvertently traded was protecting her step daughter. Conflict isn't always to be avoided. I think she could make this right by deleting the ones without the step-daughter, apologizing, sending the whole family photo, and being prepared to cut ties with the racist parents. She needs to show the step-daughter she has her back and will burn anyone down that comes after her on the basis of color.
I agree. I think that she ment well and she genuinely wanted to shield her step daughter. But definitely she should not have done this. She should tell her parents to stfo or they wont see any of the grandkids. Not only for the poor girl but also the others kids. You dont want their disgusting ideas to be heard by them!
Load More Replies... she's DEFINITELY the asshole ! Racist much? Imagine cow-towing to her racist parents instead of supporting that dear little girl! Just disgusting !!
To be honest, I wouldn't even bother sending them a card. Children pick up when they're not as accepted as their brothers and sisters (speaking from experience), and so to even consider excluding her from a 'family' photo would really hurt her for many years to come. If you love a child and you're not racist, why would you even consider excluding her?
Man. That's bad. F*ck a racist. Can you imagine hurting this poor baby girls feelings because you want to protect the scummy racist? OP is just as bad. My kids didn't even know what the N-word was until they went to daycare. That lasted about three weeks.
I’m so sorry that your kids learned the n-word at daycare!!! My kid learned the n-word from John Lewis’s comic book, March. We read it together so he could understand what it’s all about.
Load More Replies... It's an example how people use racism to prove that they are not racists. I feel sorry for her stepdaughter who even has to deal with racism in her own home, the place where she should feel safe and protected.
She's asking for validation. And reading some of these comments, apparently she will get it somewhere.
Load More Replies... Stop catering to and yielding to racists. Let them be mad and uncomfortable. You sent a message to your stepdaughter and it's not a good one. Grow a backbone, ma'am!
If you want to protect her, then embrace her. Don't protect the racist grandparents... compliance is racism. REAL protection would be embracing the daughter, and either engaging with the grandparents/putting them on notice OR just cutting them out entirely and telling them why. Step-mom here is the asshole, she is asshole layered upon asshole... she may be the turducken of assholitude.
YTA. You were more interested in protecting yourself from abusive fallout from your family, than trying to protect the child from a-holes. She's going to face this her entire life, you can't hide her from it and doing so will only make it more difficult for her to handle in the future. Yes, the poor child, and her father, now think you don't like her because she's black. You pretty much told her so under the guise of "i don't want to anger my parents". If you truly loved this child like your own biological children, you would have mailed the card as-is to your family and told them to suck it. The fact you prioritize being liked by racist a-holes over the wellbeing of the child, means you shouldn't be her stepmom, and I wouldn't blame the father for getting so upset over this he considers leaving you, you've shown a side of yourself no one would want to see, and it's pretty disgusting.
oh so YTA! my son married a wonderful woman who happens to be black and, therefore, my grandson is biracial. when my now-ex in laws first found out about their marriage they hinted at trying to find out if i was upset about this. absolutely not! they never said anything directly but i know that they may have wondered about my not caring. we do not have any issues with race in my family but i do know that when i married into the family it was surprising to them to find out that 1. i had been married before; 2. i had a child; 3. i was not of the same nationality as them; and 4. i was jewish. but, i was white in their eyes. they always treated me well throughout the long marriage. but, if anyone would ever treat them badly based on race or even suggest negative attitudes they would quickly get an ear full. whenever i introduce her to people i always refer to her as my daughter and i do get double takes because she is not an in-law - she's my daughter and always will be.
I am in the same boat as your daughter in law, Patti. I just want to say Bless YOU for being this way towards her...being married interracial in the US can get very sticky, having a supportive family that embraces and protects you is SUCH a must-have for it to be successful, IMO. I KNOW she loves you just as much!!
Load More Replies... YTA Only on Christmas Card terms with the racist parents - but that's still more important to you than the feelings of a kid you 'love like your own'. Get some counselling, before you completely destroy your relationship with your step-daughter and your husband.
‘I don’t want to expose her to my parents racism’ and yet here we are with her being exposed to racism, she’s done exactly the OPPOSITE of what she said. If at any point you decide to change the course of someone else’s life based upon their race then take a look in the mirror, you are looking at a racist. It doesn’t matter if it’s giving them a chocolate bar that’s a shave cheaper than their peers chocolate bar or dragging them behind a car with a chain, it’s racism.
I like how she says she want to protect her from being emotionally hurt...YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY HURTING HER! If your racist parent get a picture she can't hear their reaction, but being left out of that picture she can see yours. Just using someone elses racism as a coverup for your own. Jack needs to run and do it quickly because if someone you love can do this to your child when they are young it isn't going to get better when they are older.
It's also the emphasizing "bio kids". She really went out of her to make sure people know she is not this girls mother in anyway. What a horrible human being.
Went out of her way? The fact that she isn't the girl's mother is a fact. If she actually WAS, her parents would have completely disowned her years ago, I wager.
Load More Replies... Yta. If you’re worried about your parents being that bad to your stepdaughter … why send them a Christmas card at all? Have some respect for yourself and your kids, and cut people like that off.
You are the asshole, family or not, don't accept my kid?.. kick f*****g rocks, loser. My kids will come before anyone else, mother, father, grandparents, they could all f**k off before I'd treat my kid that way.
Ever think to NOT send them a picture at all? You're pandering and enabling.
YTA: "I'm not racist, but I'm going to treat you like you don't exist because of your race", ugh
My best friends grandson is a stepson to his Mom's husband. He is excluded from family pictures and it's really painful for him. He's not a different race but he still doesn't feel like a part of his mother's family. It's an overall feeling of exclusion in her life. I bet this stepdaughter is feeling the same. You know it probably goes beyond the pictures. This woman is definitely the AH! The fact that she really thought she was in the right is disturbing.
"Im not racist, but..." Lady, you are racist AF. Doing it out of care and live my ass. You don't want to be embarrassed. You don't want to have to answer questions. If you were doing it out pf love, you would have put your stepdaughter in ALL of your pictures and when one of your racist relatives made a comment you should have stood up for Enephrine. Stop making excuses for your behavior.
She's blaming everything on her parents (they're racist, they will make a fuss), but really, she's not any better than them. She claims to love girl as her own kids, but hiding her like some dirty secret "because parents will make a fuss". If she truly did not make differences between Enephrine and her bio kids, she wouldn't exclude her from photos, racist parents be damned.
OP: I am so not racist I excluded my black stepdaughter who I love my own because of her race. Am. I not awesome!
Both are. The same way. One excluded "beloved" stepdaughter from family picture "to protect", and the other tells her "Mama doesn't love you" and continued to live with said "mama". That's like, idk, government telling to minorities "we wan't help you, because bad guys will hurt you then. And we wan't restrict them, so we better restrict you. Out of love and care, of course".
if she didn't want to expose her to hurtful people she should just not have those hurtful people in her life. seems like the only logical answer here
"They would make a fuss about her being black". If you limited contacts with them and Christmas cards is pretty much the only form of communication, why dou you care? They may as well have a full-blown meltdown, how's that your problem?
Yeah, there's a much better word for this woman than asshole. It's around the same hemisphere of the body, starts with a C.
Where can I meet this woman? I have several choice words and a slap upside the head for her
Oooh this one made me mad. If I was the husband, I would consider whether I wanted to stay married to this woman. She does not value his child land that is unacceptable. Unfortunately they also have children together so that makes it more complicated.
I don't know why you got downvoted, if your partner tells you that they love your child, but don't want to be seen with her by my family because the colour of her skin, that is cause for concern regardless of the reason. I wouldn't want my child to be in an environment where there is any suggestion that they should be ashamed of being black, or that they are something which should be hidden.
Load More Replies... she's part of your family. racist parents need to suck it up. instead you think that your poor, sweet parents need to be protected from seeing a mixed race child. that's pretty racist.
YTA. And, so are your parents. If nobody ever stood up for those without a voice (in this case an 8 yr old child), can you imagine how much worse things would still be here in this country??? You are harming her AND standing by idly, allowing racism to continue; you are teaching your kids a s**t lesson as well... thankfully they have better heads on their shoulders than you it appears. I feel this is ignorance and a case of bullying, cowering, and abuse by your parents additionally; you really should sever ties and go to counseling.
I would have sent them the card anyways. If she truly loved her step daughter she would've let her be in the photo and sent her parents the card, shes probably racist herself because she defending her parents to ¨Help¨ her stepdaughter. She is the A-hole.
wow. i'm so sad for that little girl. if she really wanted to protect her, she should have just cut the racist people from her life and her stupid card list.
Unsurprisingly, this isn't rare as I've come across TOO MANY "not-racists" that same me as their "Black Friend". Unlike this woman, I didn't tolerate their intolerance and washed my hands of them no matter how long I've known them.
I can’t even imagine thinking excluding a child from a Christmas family picture is justifiable. Excluding someone from a picture always hurts! And they know when they’re asked to take the picture in a group setting it’s because they’re not wanted in the photo. Even if she didn’t look that upset you can be sure there’s an extra dent in her self confidence.
You chose a parent with whom you have limited contact over a child that you claim to love as one of your own.
I don't even have the right words to Write what I feel about that woman and what she did, what she is. It's so upsetting. It's disgusting!
YES-SHE'S THE RACIST ASSHOLE CRAZY TOXIC BITCH FUCKTARD SHITPILE JUST LIKE HER PARENTS!!!
You're not only TA you're TRA (The Racist Asshole) You LITERALLY did the same thing to her that your parents would've. Apple doesn't fall from the tree does it. wow.
YTA and YTB. You want us to believe that you're only on 'christmas card' terms with your parent yet you go to this extreme? If you were truly on on 'christmas card' terms with your parents you wouldn't give one damned about what they thought of the family you had the good fortune of joining.
Ffs make the poor kid feel like an outsider in her own family. F****n morons. She should be showing the girl that she is very much part of the family the same as her siblings. Screw the racist assholes.
Very soft YTA beacouse if you parents are bad then just cut them out , it can be hard though just let them hate you they ate asses anyway
You are an "accomplice" to racism, the same way we have accomplices to a theft. You may not be stealing the goods, but you're driving the get away car. You are helping your parents to be racist. You are teaching your children to jump through hoops to ignore racism. You're teaching your daughter that she does not belong. It says a lot and is a very sad situation. We're watching states like Texas write laws to ignore our history so white folks can feel better about our racist past. Now, we're watching you deny your daughter so your parents can feel better about their racism. See a pattern?
It doesnt matter the race situation or what problems your parents might have, this is still extremely damaging to a child
Okay, consider this; what if the author of the post was abused and/or neglected as a child and they are either afraid of or feel like they require attention or validation from their parents (or both)?
I almost don't even wanna read this because I'm already mad. My husbands step mother is black and my husba
Husbands ex wife is a complete and total racist who tried to pull s**t like this during holidays (we used to celebrate altogether) when my step mother in laws family would come and bring all the grand kids, nieces, nephews etc. and my step daughters obviously loves their whole family and never understand why their mom was such a bitch and it would make them visibly uncomfortable. Finally, SMIL had enough and banned her from Xmas and holidays in general. It was THE BEST feeling watching her get her ass handed to her and chewed out for once. Everyone always bit their tongue because rhe type that makes such a big stink that it's just not worth it. But watching her get booted on Xmas Eve right before dinner n having to drive 2 hours home all salty was seriously the best Xmas gift for years to come (this was 3 years ago)
Load More Replies... Husband should rightfully ditch YOU. How did he not see it before this?
She pretends to not be racist when in reality she is the racist one!!!!!!!! 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 😡 Oh my gosh, it just shocks me that there are people this racist that exist!!!!
YTA indeed. She's now inflicting trauma on this 8 year old child. She should save her money doing photos and send Christmas cards that no one wants and start saving for this child's therapy she's going to need to undo the racism she's inflicted on her.
SO the A-hole! She calls her parents racist because they fault the girl for her skin color but you EXCLUDE her from a FAMILY photo because of her SKIN color! That is the definition of a racist! Oh I wish I could give this lady a piece of my mind in person. (yes, I have experienced this. I am the adoptive mother of 4 children, 2 of whom are from bi-racial birth parents. ).
Lady, you're a total bitch. What's worse is you know you were wrong and you hurt that child. If I was your husband, I would have taken my daughter out somewhere during your "family" picture time. You chose your parents racism over your own stepdaughter. WTF is wrong with you??
Racism at it's finest folks you would think because it's 2021 that we would be over this by now...but no......thereare still morons in this world
There is nothing more damaging than casual racism. She thinks that because she accepted Enephrine in her family, all her racist prejudices went away like that. That's precisely how racism jumps generations. On a completely different matter, what kind of name is "Enephrine"? It sounds like something you inject if you are in anaphylactic shock. Assuming she made all the names up for anonymity, why pick something so close to "Epinephrine" for her black child? Why not "Mary" or "Janet" or something equally plain?
This reminded me of the Christmas card scene in the Blindside, except they did it right. I'm sure it has been said, but this is the OPPOSITE of protecting Enephrine. I could not find one drop of grace to spare for family members who "had something to say" when my biracial son was born. Some of my older relatives left this world without having the privilege of meeting him. They were the losers. YTA, Stepmom, for marrying this man. If you cannot love his daughter unconditionally, you don't have the right to be her parent. Hard R my ass. Yes, you have to protect her from the hard R, but you do it by isolating the racists, not the child. You were only protecting yourself. Obviously the story hits close to home for me, but I don't see any way out of this for you. If I were your husband, I wouldnt be. Not any more.
You should have had her in the photo and send your parents a generic "happy holiday" card and everyone else the family picture.
You are just as racist as your parents. Go and apologize to that poor girl and if your parents have a problem, tell them to go screw themselves. I can't believe some people. Jeez
How does she not get that her actions are deplorable? If your parents are super racist and you have a child who is a person of color, then probably a good time to tell your parents that they have a choice, they can continue to be horrible humans, in which case you will cut off all ties with them, or they can accept you and your family and you will maintain that relationship on the condition that they treat everyone in your family with respect. The only way to make sure that she is not exposed to people who will emotionally hurt her is to tell your parents they are wrong and horrible people who you will no longer have any interaction with unless they better themselves.
Wow, the comments are all really harsh! I suspect that the woman acted out of fear, weakness, and insecurity, rather than racism. You need to be a strong and confident person to tell your parents that you want nothing more to do with them, ever, given their attitudes. Many people will make the wrong choice for 'an easy life': it's behind many of life's misunderstandings and conflicts. While we preach that honesty is the best policy (yes, it is), I'm not sure whether here we are seeing a few cases of a sinner casting stones!
I have no biological children but I have two beautiful (grown) stepchildren and when you become a parent (in any facet) it is your job to protect your children from anyone who would hurt them. This (sadly) includes your own parents in some situations. You don't get a choice or wait until your "strong and confident". You do it because it's your responsibility. Thankfully I had great parents who would have accepted my stepchildren even if they were of another race or skin color. But had they not I would have cut them off without a second thought to protect my children. We need to build them up and make THEM confident in their knowledge of right and wrong and teach them not to be racist a-holes so they can grow up to be good parents to their children.
Load More Replies... Does anyone have any thoughts about the pseudonyms used (Carol, Solomon, Lydia, and Enephrine)?
Color is irrelevant. To object to a person's skin color makes me wonder if you [the person who objects] has a color "standard" to rate your objections according to skin color, you know: dark tan, light tan, ok, but light skinned "POC" not ok, what's the difference? I think this kid has a bigger problem who in the hell names their kid Enephrine? Is that a take on Epinephrine? Does the kid have a severe allergy and this is to alert people to get her an epi-pen quick?
Yes! Lets all make fun of this poor little girls name! That is the adult thing to do for this post! Brilliant!!
Load More Replies... What I would do is take multiple pictures, one without her, and send that one to the racist family members.
Or take ALL the pictures WITH HER, since she is part of the family, and send those to everyone. No separate pics to satisfy the racists in the family. You are doing the same thing as this woman, and it is SO damaging to that little biracial child.
Load More Replies... Nope. Her parents have had the same opportunity to learn as anyone else. Anyone using the n word in 2021 is an awful person. Cut them out and prioritise the child. Otherwise you are allowing and condoning racism AGAINST A CHILD.
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