Psychology jokes, or any jokes for that matter, are not a substitute for therapy, but they can most definitely be a nice way to distract yourself or prepare for a visit to your psychologist. Like any other people, psychologists appreciate some good therapist jokes, but due to the nature of their profession, they might get you to analyze why you felt the need to tell that joke in the first place. Which, come to think of it, might be very useful. Don’t forget that telling jokes for psychologists is as much of a character trait as any other.
Psychology as a science studies the mind, our thoughts, motivations, desires, and fears. Not only does it help us understand ourselves better and deal with problems we might have, but through psychological research, scientists find better ways for learning and coping.
Psychology puns are probably some of the best, as the entire subject is about different interpretations of things. It is also a very diverse topic, where alongside jokes about psychiatrists, you will find jokes about different schools of psychology and their founders.
Below we have collected some funny psychology and therapy jokes to add a bit of entertainment to your day.
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How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant. "What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny replied. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology."
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?
"You're fine, how am I?"
That's better than scientists. They might ask "You are human, what am I?"
I joined a new therapy group for loneliness. Nobody turned up.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
Went to see the psychologist. She asked, “Do any sounds irritate you?”
“Real or imaginary?” I inquired. “Let’s go with imaginary,” She said curiously.
“A spider wearing flip-flops,” I said.
How do French psychologists like their beverages?
Froid.
Froid means cold in French. This is, presumably, a reference to Sigmund freud
What do psychologists call a bear who likes to eat penguins?
Bipolar.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it'll need nine more sessions.
You sure its only nine more? You need a session to re-consider your existence and decisions
A therapist suggests that a man needs to work on his constant need to please others. What was his reply?
“Sure, if it makes you happy.”
What did the psychology major study in wizarding college?
Defense against his dark concepts.
A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on. It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better.
Why was the person with narcissism so secure in his relationship?
He knew his wife loved him.
What did the psychologist say to the patient who thought he was a church bell?
If the feeling continues, ring me.
How many people with narcissism does it take to change to change a tire?
You only need one. He'll hold the tire and the world will revolve around him.
What does a depressed tortilla say?
"I don’t wanna taco ’bout it."
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. How did that joke make you feel?
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
What does a psychologist say to a psychology major when he confronts him about his theory?
The psychologist says that he has a lot of ego.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, how many do you think it takes?
Why did the psychology major work in a theatre as a side job?
He knew projection very well.
There was a sign up in the hospital that said, "Therapy can help torture victims." Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.
A man walks into a psychologist's office, wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts".
I had a friend who wore speedos and wrapped himself in saran wrap as a Halloween costume. When people would ask what he was was dressed as he would reply, "leftovers." It got even funnier later on when he was sitting by the fireplace and realized that he was not only sweating , but the plastic wrap was starting to melt! Lol.
I want to buy a guide that covers all of the aspects of phobias. That includes even those that I am too afraid to know about.
What did the ghost tell the psychologist at his first therapy session?
I used to know who I was, but now I just feel like I'm drifting through life.
Why did the psychologist not believe in reverse psychology?
He was a Freud of being fooled.
A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner. The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."
"After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes."
"What did he say?"
"No hablo inglés."
A guy goes to a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."
The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"
I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego. I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.
Pavlov’s dog to his ladyfriend: “See that! Every time I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”
What do you call a group of communist psychologists who passed out drunk?
A collective unconscious.
The developmental psychologists got back to us about our son. They said he's smart on paper. Unfortunately, he can't read.
So this group of psychologists goes ice skating. Being novices, all of them failed in their first attempt. I have never seen so many Freudians slip at a time.
Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!" The second smile back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"
"Doctor, I feel like such a failure."
"Anyone who can pay my fees is certainly not a failure."
At a job interview for a new receptionist:
"I see you used to be employed by a psychotherapist. Why did you leave?"
"Well, I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional."
Why did the fashionista not do a master's in psychology?
She didn't really approve of APA style.
What did the depressed statistician say when the psychologist asked if someone had been mean to him?
I don't remember, but probably.
What did the psychologist tell the actor that impulsively performed his roles?
I think you're acting out.
What did the psychologist tell the patient who felt that everyone ignored him?
Nothing, he was too busy taking a call.
Did the psychologist finish writing his thesis on the psychology behind procrastination?
He'll do it tomorrow.
Why was the psychology major so stressed about his upcoming therapy session?
He had to reach self-actualization before the session.
What did the psychology major say when his professor told him that he wasn't acting like his ideal self?
Roger that.
What did the psychology major say when he couldn't lose weight even after behavior modification?
I don't think I can get any Skinner.
What did the psychology major say when the psychologist asked him how long he had memory issues?
From the time that I can remember.
Why did the psychology major panic when the bartender rang the happy hour bell?
He remembered that he'd forgotten to feed his dog.
What did everyone call Freud after he lied about studying for the psychology exam?
Sigmund Fraud.
A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate. Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.
"I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologist's convention."
"You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it."
The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal. Seek help, if they start talking back.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist. That kid didn't help at all.
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions. Not quite sure how I feel about it.
My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist. He suffers from very sphere delusions.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drank coffee, he would get stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Are you a scratch player?… I sure am – every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him his troubles, the man says, "So doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "Well, you're crazy." Indignant, the man replies, "I am not, I want another opinion." To which the doctor replies, "OK... You're also ugly."
A man walks into a psychologist's office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!". Doc asks the guy "What happens in these bad dreams?". The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!". Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.
I was reading a story the other day about a deranged garbage man running around for years, murdering dozens. Psychologists said he was a diagnosed Suciopath.
Conversation between two psychologists:
"I've developed a way to study patience."
"What kind of patients?"
"All of them."
What's the difference between a loan and a psychologist?
The loan eventually matures and earns money.
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say, "I hate my mother", a psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you say that?", whereas a psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that with me."
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky Mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, "So, how did it go?" "Fine," she replied, "but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."
A receptionist to a psychologist: "Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Client: “Doctor, help me. I think I’m a dog.”
Psychologist: “Lie down on the couch."
Client: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.”
If someone asks you whether you’ve got any psychology jokes up your sleeve, answer with:
“I’m a-Freud not…”
My therapist informed me that I was delusional. I took so much offense that I almost fell off my unicorn.
What did the employee say when his boss asked him if he should hire him as a reverse psychologist?
I don't think you should.
Why did the 13-year-old's parents forbid her from going to an analytical psychology convention?
They thought that she was too Jung.
Why did the homeless psychology student reject her fiance's marriage proposal?
She was still stuck on the second level of Maslow's hierarchy.
Why was the Rorschach inkblot so insecure?
He couldn't understand what his wife saw in him.
What did the psychologist say to the man who felt misunderstood all the time?
What are you trying to express?
How did the husband try reverse psychology on his wife who thought she was always right?
He left her.
What did the author of the reverse psychology books request his readers to do?
Not read the book.
What did the hypnotherapist say to the client that always whined about his age?
If you want, we can go back 10 years.
What did the psychologist say to the patient that thought he was a deck of cards?
Let's focus on you, we'll deal with the problem later.
Why didn't the psychology grad learn anything in college?
He minored in reverse psychology.
Why do horse psychology majors always end up performing better than the other animals?
Their studying environment is a little more stable than the others'.
Why did the psychology student ask the speaker if he had Broca's aphasia?
His lecture left him speechless.
Why did the psychology major drop out of the behaviorism class?
The subject just wasn't stimulating enough for him.
What does the psychologist say when a psychology major doesn't pass his college course?
He says, well you should have read the cues.
6-year-old Little Johnny is at the psychologist "What do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the psychologist. "A doctor, a painter, or a window cleaner," says the child. "Well, it's not quite clear to me." "Of course it is! I want to see naked women, that's all!"
I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings. Apparently, it's an Apartment Complex
Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?
He has way too many problems that need solving.
I just got back from my first session with the Bird Psychologist. He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheap.
What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?
Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.
A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him. "Well, doc, I think I can see into the future." "Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?" "Next Monday."
My psychologist just Reddit-punned me. We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.
Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?"
Me: "Well, there's this site called Reddit.."
Him: "I see.."
Me: "Have you heard of it?"
Him: "I'm not sure I've.. *read it*" *winks furiously at me*
Why did the donut start going to therapy?
It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt a hole!
A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky Mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?” “Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.”
Some psychologists are running a test based on speech patterns. They get three people; an American, an Australian, and an Indian, and ask them to say a few sentences with the words: green, pink, and yellow. The American and Australian give pretty normal answers, stuff like I put on my green hat, etc. When it gets to the Indian he says "The phone goes green, I pink up the phone and say yellow?"
Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?
He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
So my wife thinks it's kinky to answer the door wearing just my t shirt. But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now need to have a 'talk' with a psychologist.
