Want to learn about a real-life miracle? A trick that smashes any of Houdini's? A maneuver that's so majestical that numerous faintings are documented after its grand finale? Tell me, are you really ready?! If so, here it goes - the most mind-boggling yet very real miracle is *drum roll* - a pregnancy! Oh, don't scoff, the ordeal that a woman's body goes through to bear a spawn is truly astonishing, and if one thing should be named as such, it is the act of child-bearing. And, you know us and our idea of paying tribute to the most astounding accomplishments of human beings - by dedicating a series of hilarious jokes dedicated to the topic. So, here we are, with our mesmerizing, awe-inspiring, chuckle-inducing list of pregnancy jokes! However, if you are a heavily-pregnant lady and would like to proceed with this article's contents, be warned that some accidents might happen due to the changed arrangement of your precious insides.
So yeah, pregnancy is a great joy accompanied by tossing your cookies on the regular, the formation of the dreaded cankle due to general swolleness that you're bound to experience, and how could we forget the squashed innards and a belly the size of a prized watermelon. Surely, there's nothing you can do but laugh at your woes, and these future mom jokes are here to lift your spirits. Now, I can almost hear you picking an argument starting with, "Hey, don't forget to mention the bright side of pregnancy!" Thus, here they are listed - that elusive glow, luscious locks (that you are bound to lose once your baby has evacuated your womb), and, of course, a myriad of pregnancy jokes that could come only out of real-life situations.
Okay, we know that you might be experiencing the phenomenon known as "pregnancy brain," and your attention span might be the same as a pet fish, so we'll do you the courtesy of ending our babbles and inviting you to go straight to our list of the best mom-to-be jokes. Once you reach them, be sure to vote for the best jokes, and don't forget to share this article with anyone doing the same greatest trick known to humankind right now!
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During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me, after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m... not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I once heard two women talking where one was telling another how a guy gave up his seat to her on train as he thought she was pregnant.She wasn't. She said I felt bad at first but then comfortable so she took his seat. Also when I got transferred in my job I was confused about a new colleague whether or not she is pregnant but I figured it out when during lunch other colleagues were giving her free advice.
"I told my husband to put the oreos somewhere I couldn't get them. So he put them on the floor."
What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.
How do you define pregnancy?
A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building.
People are giving birth underwater now.
They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in the water, but it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
"I ran to protect our new TV when the earthquake hit. My wife is pregnant. We’re having a conversation now."
"4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again.""
“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” - Mila Kunis
"We're having a baby" or "MY [S.O.] is pregnant," no, the one not actively growing a fetus is not pregnant
Him: Is that a maternity top?
Me, at 3 months pregnant: It is!
Him : Are those maternity jeans?
Me, at 6 months pregnant: They are!
Him: Is that a bed sheet?
Me, at 9 months pregnant: NOTHING FITS OKAY!!!
"Pregnancy hormones make you want to either rip your husband's clothes off or his head off.
There is literally nothing in between."
Other pregnant woman: I like to do yoga and an hour of cardio each day. It helps me appreciate the wonders of what my body is capable of right now.
Me: I almost suffocated while trying to put my shoes on this morning.
Me: What would look better with this, tennis shoes or boots?
Husband: It doesn’t really matter, you’re just going to look super pregnant regardless.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband: I am so sorry.
They’ve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you don’t pee on your hand.
"Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom."
As well as your face, clothes, and possibly your pets and anything else you hold dear
"Yelp review for pregnancy:
1/5 stars.
Took way too long.
Overpriced.
Super uncomfortable & crowded.
Aesthetically just very bad.
No alcohol."
"Why do men say women are dumb for getting pregnant like she did it by herself?"
"Took uber today. Driver looked horrified as I got in. "Which hospital? What do I do?" Just going to pick up my car, buddy."
"Bought my very pregnant wife some salt and vinegar crisps knowing how much she likes them. Then I ate them for lunch. If anyone needs me I'll be in a witness relocation program with a new name."
How many days are there in a month?
Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.
"Started to get emotional because I thought I saw a dead bird in the road. It was a wrapper. So then I got emotional out of relief."
Yeah, those nine months are a roller coaster. The next nine months are a different kind of roller coaster.
"Being pregnant is the best way to get unwanted advice on literally anything."
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born.
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool.
“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” - Jessica Simpson
"Being trapped in an apartment all day with a toddler while trying to work is an incredible form of birth control. Unfortunately I’m already pregnant."
"For those wondering how far along I am, I'm at the stage of pregnancy where I can't look at a dog without crying."
“Having a child is like getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” - Elizabeth Gilbert
How is being pregnant like being a kid again?
There’s always someone telling you what to do.
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
If heartburn during pregnancy means you’ll have a hairy baby…
Then I’m about to give birth to Chewbacca.
Actually, that was true for me. My daughter had hair everywhere; legs, arms, back, ears, etc. 🤣
What does a pregnant woman say after she apologizes for her random emotional outbursts?
“Up yours and I hate you.”
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
She's either a) lying or b) delusional with no kids of her own or c) on really goood drugs.
“I can smell electricity. I swear to God I can smell the TV.” - Amanda Seyfried
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Personally speaking, "normal" sets sail during pregnancy, and never really returns.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Childbirth.
Is there anything you should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Pregnancy.
"Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative."
Waiting for this baby to be born is like picking up someone from the airport.
But you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
They don't nurse with their teeth anyway. Most breastfeeding moms feed their baby when they have teeth (as they nee
"I had a dream last night that an enormous woman put out a fire in a bell tower with her breast milk.
So the pregnancy hormones have officially taken over my brain."
"I had a dream that I have a flat tummy again. I throw stuff on the ground, and pick up, and throw again, just for fun."
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
"I just threw away my banana instead of my banana peel."
"Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today.
Are you growing a human? I didn’t think so. Now shut the hell up."
"I am pregnant, which means I am sober, swollen, and hungry.
Approach with caution."
"My husband is over here like “pregnancy is magical!!!! Let’s have 3 more.” Okay you were chowing on chips while I was in labor screaming. Bye Jake."
Husband: Need anything at the store?
Me: Chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream.
Me 45s later: No ice cream, get artichokes.
Me now: Get both.
"My husband stopped, stared at my belly, and said "wow you look super pregnant" while helping me get undressed. Just so you have an idea of how often he looks up from his phone."
What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s partner knows what’s good for them.
"Oh you think I, an adult woman who has already birthed one child, WONT obsessively google “can you be so pregnant you actually explode?” Because I gotta tell you I already did"
"I'm a pregnant woman with 3 kids whose grocery delivery order was missing half of what I ordered.
Including the ice cream.
Do NOT cross me."
"I'm 9m pregnant and was at the eye Dr. yesterday. I asked the man next to me what time it was because my eyes were dilating and I couldn't see the clock. The only thing he heard was "dilating" and he instantly jumped and started to panic because he thought I was going into labor."
"My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight. Frankly, I'd rather cut the Obgyn."
Don’t fear childbirth.
That’s the easy part. They don’t give you drugs to get you through motherhood.
“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” - Rita Rudner
"5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying.
2: Peeing.
3: Crying because you peed.
4: Peeing because you're crying.
5: The toilet is your home now."
"My wife and I went for a walk and halfway through she got scared that we left the baby at the house. It’s still in her stomach."
"Having a cold while being pregnant is like getting a parking ticket while you’re at the dentist."
"I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked: What happened to her belly?
I replied: There's a baby in there.
3 was horrified: She ate a baby?!
Sensing a good opportunity, I said: Yes.
Sleep well tonight, kid."
"I am “someone on twitter told me to be the bigger person and I said I am the bigger person and cried” weeks pregnant."
"What do a toddler, a preschooler, and a pregnant lady all have in common?
We all pee our pants in public."
"At that point in the final stage of pregnancy where after I drop something on the floor I say to myself, “I’ll just pick that up once the baby is here.”"
"I am "my husband is breathing onto my side of the bed and now I am googling local support groups for widows" weeks pregnant."
"Expectant mothers have so much to look forward to. Like being kicked in the ribs from the OUTSIDE."
"If you ever want to overcome your fear of dying, you should just steal a parking spot from a pregnant woman."
"Today I dropped a pair of socks and they rolled under my dresser. I have decided I no longer need those socks."
How does being pregnant make you feel?
Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
“Of course I can do this. I’m pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn’t change my personality.” - Christine Feehan
“My doctor the other day was like, ‘I think maybe pull back a little bit.’ I was like, ‘Really? I thought I was doing great. I still fit into those jeans — I mean, they hurt when I wear them, but I’m still in them!’” - Drew Barrymore
"One of the first symptoms of pregnancy is extreme exhaustion and I'm here to tell you it's not so much a symptom, as it is a permanent side effect."
"I've reached that point in pregnancy where all the furniture starts to swallow you and you look like a turtle on its back trying to get up."
"I know my baby is going to be an overachiever.
I reached my healthy weight gain limit in the first trimester."
“There’s a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? I mean, there isn’t an option to kind of keep it in, is there? So I’m assuming my plan is to get it out. But apparently, there’s more to the plan than that. I don’t know what that is.” - Keira Knightley
“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” - Carrie Fisher
I think we all know how it turned out. aka Kylo Ren P.s. we miss you Carrie
"Kids do this neat thing where they wreck your body during pregnancy and childbirth, then blatantly insult it from the moment they learn to talk."
"Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried."
What’s the weirdest stage of pregnancy?
When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X.
What hurts even more than childbirth?
Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus” 20,000 times a day.
What makes watching a Quentin Tarantino movie look like a Disney flick?
Seeing a childbirth video.
"I have reached the bargaining phase of pregnancy.
I have promised the baby a dirt bike if he will just come out in the next 24 hours."
Castor Oil! Worked for me Drank it at 10pm, went into labor at 4am, baby arrived shortly after 5 pm.
"The obgyn told me I was stylish. Not only was this a first for me, I’ve also been wearing the same thing the last three days."
"This baby is sucking the life from me. Drinking my water, making me dry. Eating my food, making me hungry. Taking my health, making me sick. Why do we create these monsters they want us dead."
Six months pregnant. Hyperemesis with both. Multiple hospitalizations. I'm convinced my children try to kill me a little B4 they get out to establish dominance
"I love seeing the change on a guy's face from sexual interest to horror as he's checking me out and then realizes I'm pregnant."
"I finally got a day to sleep in but the baby decided this morning was the perfect time to start teaching kickboxing."
What size pants do you wear?
Leggings.
Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale on your cheat day.
“Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body — meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit.” - Amy Adams
Me: Let’s name her Éclair.
Wife: [pregnant] We’re not naming her after a donut.
Me: Technically, an éclair is a French pastry — not a donut. The distinction-.
Wife: Still no.
"That awkward stage of pregnancy where you just kinda look like a bloated seal instead of a human grower."
What do you call it when you’re unable to find someone to help you through your pregnancy?
A midwife crisis.
If you eat a pregnant girl’s food…
You’re required to have the baby for her.
My x once ate my bread sticks while I was having a stress test. The monitor showed the baby got mad
“I had this thing for Entenmann’s chocolate donuts. Somewhere during my pregnancy, I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, ‘You know what it might be? Are you drinking a lot of juice?’ I was like, ‘Yeah. That must be it.’ I was eating like a box a day of Entenmann’s donuts.” - Tina Fey
"I just spilled my cup of ice water and cried for 20 minutes then called my boss and told her I quit."
"You're prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant."
"I used to think people overexaggerated about babies kicking. I've had a foot in my rib for 2 days now."
Last week the ultrasound tech freaked out at how long the baby's legs r. Me and my best friend just laughed and said u haven't seen her father. But yeah it's not fun
"I walked into a bathroom stall, placed a toilet seat cover down and then flushed it. Then I walked out of the stall totally disregarding the fact that I still need to go."
“That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you don’t know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while it’s just the horizon — and then one day, birds wheel over that dark shape and it’s suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that you’ve had the right shots.” - Emily Perkins
“Baby brain is real. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones.” - Olivia Wilde
“I never stopped burping. And I felt terrible about it, but there was just nothing I could do — I would be in the middle of saying something and I’d just start burping. It was awful. I felt like a frat boy.” - Katherine Heigl
I was standing in the courtyard of our university with my husband, two of his friends and a couple that we'd known for a long time and was expecting their first kid. I look away for a moment and hear a deep throated and very long burp. Turning around, I expected one of the guys to be standing there looking proud of himself. Instead, they were staring at the pregnant friend in disbelief as she stood there smacking her lips from having belched like a sailor. I just said "Geez girl! You nearly ruptured an esophagus there!" She smiled.
Pregnancy: So you're going to be extra tired, and it's really important you get a lot of rest.
Me: Got it, more sleep.
Pregnancy: Ha! No.... remember those side effects we talked about? You definitely won't be able to sleep.
People when you’re pregnant: Let me hold that door open for you. You’re craving ice cream? Let me make it for you out of my tears.
People after the kid is born: OF COURSE YOU’RE TIRED YOU’RE ALWAYS TIRED I SENT YOUR KID GLITTER PAINT YOUR LIFE IS PAIN NOW.
"Well it finally happened in my 8th month of pregnancy, I just sat on a man’s hand and bag when he wouldn’t move them off the last spare seat on the bus. We’re now sharing a very quiet ride."
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
"I literally just pulled a can of Pringles out of my purse and said out loud to it "Oh, thank god.""
"Joke's on me. I'm already not wearing pants and will probably spend the rest of today in my husband's Mickey Mouse T-shirt."
*Whispers to first-time pregnant lady*
"Six years from now you'll be hiding in a closet, scrolling Twitter with dead eyes."
"Went through my whole closet and put everything that doesn't and won't fit me in totes.. my closet is now empty."
"I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.
I got tired of labor manuals."
Teacher: Give me a sentence about a public servant.
Student: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know what pregnant means?
Student: Yes, it means you’re carrying a child.
"What’s the weirdest/craziest thing you cried over while pregnant?
1. Someone ate the last string cheese. I sobbed like I was at a funeral.
2. Because I was so grateful to be alive when So You Think You Can Dance existed.
3. Yellow cake."
The Gerrard Butler version of phantom of the opera had me bawling for 2 hrs
"Recently my sister told her 3-year-old son (my nephew) she was pregnant. the way she broke the news was by showing him the ultrasound scan and saying “what do you think this is?”, and he replied, delightfully, “a fossil”"
"How far along am I? I’ve listened to “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran 5 times today and cried at my desk over it. That’s how far along I am."
You don’t have to study for a pregnancy test, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.
Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor?
Only if the word “alimony” means anything to him.
Pregnancy is nine months of cheat days.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” - Joyce Armor
"Officially at the point where I am taking life day by day. I can’t commit to anything and if I already have please don’t hold it against me if I cancel."
"Went grocery shopping tonight which means I walked all over the store... here’s to hoping labor starts soon."
"7-year-old upon learning I am pregnant: "It's the breastfeeding that will get ya. Breastfeeding is killer.""
"In my next life I definitely want to look like Ciara pregnant and not how I look right now, which is a hot swollen mess hahaha!"
"Currently playing an awesome game of "how many pairs of leggings can I try on before I find one that fits.""
"I was just leaving work and I got in someone else's car. I was like wtf what am I doing."
You (a liar): pregnancy is a beautiful miracle!
Me (smart and honest): release me from this flesh prison!
How long is the average woman in labor?
Whatever she says, divided by two.
“In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.” - Al Roker
