30 Times Pregnancy Became An Inspiration For Funny Jokes
Want to learn about a real-life miracle? A trick that smashes any of Houdini's? A maneuver that's so majestical that numerous faintings are documented after its grand finale? Tell me, are you really ready?! If so, here it goes - the most mind-boggling yet very real miracle is *drum roll* - a pregnancy! Oh, don't scoff, the ordeal that a woman's body goes through to bear a spawn is truly astonishing, and if one thing should be named as such, it is the act of child-bearing. And, you know us and our idea of paying tribute to the most astounding accomplishments of human beings - by dedicating a series of hilarious jokes dedicated to the topic. So, here we are, with our mesmerizing, awe-inspiring, chuckle-inducing list of pregnancy jokes! However, if you are a heavily-pregnant lady and would like to proceed with this article's contents, be warned that some accidents might happen due to the changed arrangement of your precious insides.
So yeah, pregnancy is a great joy accompanied by tossing your cookies on the regular, the formation of the dreaded cankle due to general swolleness that you're bound to experience, and how could we forget the squashed innards and a belly the size of a prized watermelon. Surely, there's nothing you can do but laugh at your woes, and these future mom jokes are here to lift your spirits. Now, I can almost hear you picking an argument starting with, "Hey, don't forget to mention the bright side of pregnancy!" Thus, here they are listed - that elusive glow, luscious locks (that you are bound to lose once your baby has evacuated your womb), and, of course, a myriad of pregnancy jokes that could come only out of real-life situations.
Okay, we know that you might be experiencing the phenomenon known as "pregnancy brain," and your attention span might be the same as a pet fish, so we'll do you the courtesy of ending our babbles and inviting you to go straight to our list of the best mom-to-be jokes. Once you reach them, be sure to vote for the best jokes, and don't forget to share this article with anyone doing the same greatest trick known to humankind right now!
During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me, after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m... not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
"I told my husband to put the oreos somewhere I couldn't get them. So he put them on the floor."
What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.
How do you define pregnancy?
A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building.
People are giving birth underwater now.
They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in the water, but it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
"I ran to protect our new TV when the earthquake hit. My wife is pregnant. We’re having a conversation now."
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
"4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again.""
“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” - Mila Kunis
Him: Is that a maternity top?
Me, at 3 months pregnant: It is!
Him : Are those maternity jeans?
Me, at 6 months pregnant: They are!
Him: Is that a bed sheet?
Me, at 9 months pregnant: NOTHING FITS OKAY!!!
"Pregnancy hormones make you want to either rip your husband's clothes off or his head off.
There is literally nothing in between."
Other pregnant woman: I like to do yoga and an hour of cardio each day. It helps me appreciate the wonders of what my body is capable of right now.
Me: I almost suffocated while trying to put my shoes on this morning.
Me: What would look better with this, tennis shoes or boots?
Husband: It doesn’t really matter, you’re just going to look super pregnant regardless.
Husband: I am so sorry.
They’ve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you don’t pee on your hand.
"Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom."
"Yelp review for pregnancy:
Took way too long.
Super uncomfortable & crowded.
Aesthetically just very bad.
"Why do men say women are dumb for getting pregnant like she did it by herself?"
"Took uber today. Driver looked horrified as I got in. "Which hospital? What do I do?" Just going to pick up my car, buddy."
How many days are there in a month?
Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.
"Bought my very pregnant wife some salt and vinegar crisps knowing how much she likes them. Then I ate them for lunch. If anyone needs me I'll be in a witness relocation program with a new name."
"Started to get emotional because I thought I saw a dead bird in the road. It was a wrapper. So then I got emotional out of relief."
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born.
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool.
"Being pregnant is the best way to get unwanted advice on literally anything."
“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” - Jessica Simpson
"Being trapped in an apartment all day with a toddler while trying to work is an incredible form of birth control. Unfortunately I’m already pregnant."
"For those wondering how far along I am, I'm at the stage of pregnancy where I can't look at a dog without crying."
“Having a child is like getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” - Elizabeth Gilbert
How is being pregnant like being a kid again?
There’s always someone telling you what to do.
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.