Want to learn about a real-life miracle? A trick that smashes any of Houdini's? A maneuver that's so majestical that numerous faintings are documented after its grand finale? Tell me, are you really ready?! If so, here it goes - the most mind-boggling yet very real miracle is *drum roll* - a pregnancy! Oh, don't scoff, the ordeal that a woman's body goes through to bear a spawn is truly astonishing, and if one thing should be named as such, it is the act of child-bearing. And, you know us and our idea of paying tribute to the most astounding accomplishments of human beings - by dedicating a series of hilarious jokes dedicated to the topic. So, here we are, with our mesmerizing, awe-inspiring, chuckle-inducing list of pregnancy jokes! However, if you are a heavily-pregnant lady and would like to proceed with this article's contents, be warned that some accidents might happen due to the changed arrangement of your precious insides. 

So yeah, pregnancy is a great joy accompanied by tossing your cookies on the regular, the formation of the dreaded cankle due to general swolleness that you're bound to experience, and how could we forget the squashed innards and a belly the size of a prized watermelon. Surely, there's nothing you can do but laugh at your woes, and these future mom jokes are here to lift your spirits. Now, I can almost hear you picking an argument starting with, "Hey, don't forget to mention the bright side of pregnancy!" Thus, here they are listed - that elusive glow, luscious locks (that you are bound to lose once your baby has evacuated your womb), and, of course, a myriad of pregnancy jokes that could come only out of real-life situations. 

Okay, we know that you might be experiencing the phenomenon known as "pregnancy brain," and your attention span might be the same as a pet fish, so we'll do you the courtesy of ending our babbles and inviting you to go straight to our list of the best mom-to-be jokes. Once you reach them, be sure to vote for the best jokes, and don't forget to share this article with anyone doing the same greatest trick known to humankind right now!

#1

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.

Report

The Toast
Community Member
1 month ago

lol

View more comments
#2

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me, after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m... not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Diamond_Jax Report

BetterBitterButter
Community Member
1 month ago

I once heard two women talking where one was telling another how a guy gave up his seat to her on train as he thought she was pregnant.She wasn't. She said I felt bad at first but then comfortable so she took his seat. Also when I got transferred in my job I was confused about a new colleague whether or not she is pregnant but I figured it out when during lunch other colleagues were giving her free advice.

View more comments
#3

"I told my husband to put the oreos somewhere I couldn't get them. So he put them on the floor."

mamerwin Report

Lisa Valen
Community Member
1 month ago

That's inhumane!

View more comments
#4

What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

Report

It's Me
Community Member
1 month ago

Birth control would be EVERYWHERE. You could buy it while getting gas. Hell, they’d have it in toilets in restaurants and bars. Betty White said abortions would be available at JiffyLube.

View more comments
#5

How do you define pregnancy?

A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building.

Report

George Phucas
Community Member
1 month ago

I am in a hostage situation right now

View More Replies...
View more comments
#6

People are giving birth underwater now.

They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in the water, but it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

Report

Jo Johannsen
Community Member
1 month ago

Uh, yeah.

View more comments
#7

"I ran to protect our new TV when the earthquake hit. My wife is pregnant. We’re having a conversation now."

PatCunnane Report

Jo Johannsen
Community Member
1 month ago

Have you been allowed to speak during this conversation?

View more comments
#8

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Report

Jen T
Community Member
1 month ago

I’ve never been around a man with a cold who handled it in such a way that I would want to be around them if they were pregnant.

View More Replies...
View more comments
#9

"4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again.""

zoevsuniverse Report

GoodWolf
Community Member
1 month ago

Me neither, honey.

View more comments
#10

“Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” - Mila Kunis

Report

Jennifer Biness
Community Member
1 month ago

"We're having a baby" or "MY [S.O.] is pregnant," no, the one not actively growing a fetus is not pregnant

View more comments
#11

Him: Is that a maternity top?

Me, at 3 months pregnant: It is!

Him : Are those maternity jeans?

Me, at 6 months pregnant: They are!

Him: Is that a bed sheet?

Me, at 9 months pregnant: NOTHING FITS OKAY!!!

mommajessiec Report

Lisa Valen
Community Member
1 month ago

Scrubs?

View more comments
#12

"Pregnancy hormones make you want to either rip your husband's clothes off or his head off.

There is literally nothing in between."

AnecdtlBrthCtrl Report

MarmotArchivist
Community Member
1 month ago

Why not both?

View More Replies...
View more comments
#13

Other pregnant woman: I like to do yoga and an hour of cardio each day. It helps me appreciate the wonders of what my body is capable of right now.

Me: I almost suffocated while trying to put my shoes on this morning.

saltymermaident Report

Perfectly Imperfect
Community Member
1 month ago

Lol. Most definitely!!!

View more comments
#14

Me: What would look better with this, tennis shoes or boots?

Husband: It doesn’t really matter, you’re just going to look super pregnant regardless.

Me:

Husband:

Me:

Husband:

Me:

Husband:

Me:

Husband: I am so sorry.

Mirimade Report

Lisa Valen
Community Member
1 month ago

Well said.

View more comments
#15

They’ve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you don’t pee on your hand.

"Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom."

Report

ButterflyMcQueen
Community Member
1 month ago

As well as your face, clothes, and possibly your pets and anything else you hold dear

View more comments
#16

"Yelp review for pregnancy:

1/5 stars.

Took way too long.

Overpriced.

Super uncomfortable & crowded.

Aesthetically just very bad.

No alcohol."

House_Feminist Report

Marianne
Community Member
1 month ago

Crowded! 😂 Yes, any body with more than one person sure is crowded.

View more comments
#17

"Why do men say women are dumb for getting pregnant like she did it by herself?"

CelesteTheBesst Report

Khavrinen
Community Member
1 month ago

Because a lot of them are really bad at accepting responsibility for anything.

View More Replies...
View more comments
#18

"Took uber today. Driver looked horrified as I got in. "Which hospital? What do I do?" Just going to pick up my car, buddy."

smevaughn Report

Shay Tracy
Community Member
1 month ago

very wholesome imo

View More Replies...
View more comments
#19

How many days are there in a month?

Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.

Report

Lisa Valen
Community Member
1 month ago

5,489,235.

View More Replies...
View more comments
#20

"Bought my very pregnant wife some salt and vinegar crisps knowing how much she likes them. Then I ate them for lunch. If anyone needs me I'll be in a witness relocation program with a new name."

elhornet Report

Tigerpacingthecage
Community Member
1 month ago

That's just evil.

View more comments
#21

"Started to get emotional because I thought I saw a dead bird in the road. It was a wrapper. So then I got emotional out of relief."

emily_bee Report

Tamra Stiffler
Community Member
1 month ago

Yeah, those nine months are a roller coaster. The next nine months are a different kind of roller coaster.

View More Replies...
View more comments
See Also on Bored Panda
#22

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born.

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool.

XplodingUnicorn Report

Mere Cat
Community Member
1 month ago

The baby does pee in the amniotic fluid. And drinks it, too. But the fluid is constantly being changed, new water appearing and old being disposed of.

View More Replies...
View more comments
#23

"Being pregnant is the best way to get unwanted advice on literally anything."

Swishergirl24 Report

Perfectly Imperfect
Community Member
1 month ago

True. Story!

View more comments
#24

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” - Jessica Simpson

Report

Lucy B
Community Member
1 month ago

Some of us don't glow! It's all a lie! I wish I glowed. Instead, I have skin so dry I rival a leper

#25

"Being trapped in an apartment all day with a toddler while trying to work is an incredible form of birth control. Unfortunately I’m already pregnant."

amil Report

#26

"For those wondering how far along I am, I'm at the stage of pregnancy where I can't look at a dog without crying."

DubsKenzie Report

shae
Community Member
1 month ago

If crying over dogs is a measurement, I've been pregnant almost my whole life

#27

“Having a child is like getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” - Elizabeth Gilbert

Report

#28

How is being pregnant like being a kid again?

There’s always someone telling you what to do.

Report

Perfectly Imperfect
Community Member
1 month ago

Word.

#29

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Report

kcanded
Community Member
1 month ago

For me it was 5 months for the first baby. After that I knew what it felt like, so I recognized it at 4 months.

#30

If heartburn during pregnancy means you’ll have a hairy baby…

Then I’m about to give birth to Chewbacca.

Report

Tiramisu
Community Member
1 month ago

Can someone get this walking carpet out of my way?

View More Replies...
View more comments

Note: this post originally had 154 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.