“She Could Eat Every Single Thing Served”: Brother Angry At Family Member After His Vegan Fiancée Goes Hungry At Dinner Despite The Food Being Vegan
“So I did my best,” wrote the Redditor u/itriedokay123 on the incident that happened after he volunteered to cook for a small family gathering. It turns out, his brother’s fiancée was vegan, so he made sure to adapt the menu. “I put together a dijon vinaigrette salad, pasta tossed with roasted asparagus and cherry tomatoes,” and made sure the bread didn’t have milk or eggs in it.
However, the dinner didn’t go as planned. “Reassurances are made, I did my homework but… she has other complaints,” he recounted in the post on r/AITA. After everyone had left, the author’s brother texted a message blaming him for leaving his woman hungry.
This didn’t sit well, and here you have it, a full-blown family drama and somewhat of a classic example of when everyone seems to try their hardest but it turns out average at best.
This person volunteered to cook for his family, but knowing that his brother’s new fiancée is vegan, he adapted the menu
Image credits: Jonathan Ybema (not the actual photo)
However, she wouldn’t eat, and the family drama escalated up to the point that the author of this post called her out for having an eating disorder
Image credits: itriedokay123
And this is what people commented about the incident
She sat and tore up the bread rolls. That's a distraction technique. It's playing with food she desperately wants to be able to want to eat. I'd put money on the fact that calling out her ED was more accurate than they want to admit.
Yes, classic tactics for eating disorder. I know picky people and vegans, but this is screaming ed at me. And the brother probably knows. Stand back and take a deep breath, there is nothing further you can do for either of them.
Load More Replies...I see this so many times and It angers me so much: honey has nothing to do with being a vegan! Bees are on the verge of going extinct and if we want to stop that, we need to eat honey so that the bee keepers can keep taking care of the bees. It is NOT animal cruelty to take honey from the bees. They always have a reserve and in most cases dont even get agitated when a bee keeper takes what they need. So for the love of good, STOP telling people eating honey is against veganism. It's bullshit and harms the bees in the long run.
Thanks for pointing that out. If one can buy local honey from small beekeepers, that's probably even better.
Load More Replies...She could have eaten small portions, or just had salad, if she was that worried about calories. Refusing everything after the host has made a special effort to accommodate is rude, if it's done unnecessarily.
@Rob Woodman. Just no. My bees are not exploited and,as I said above, any responsible beekeeper will remove EXCESS honey to prevent swarming.
Load More Replies...I lost my sister to her eating disorder earlier this year. She hid behind being a "picky vegan". And it worked for everyone aside from immediate family. I recognize that I have some trauma around this but every single vegan I meet I look at very carefully to assess for disordered eating because it's the easiest smoke screen. This guy was absolutely correct. Call people out. Scream it. Don't let them keep their secret. Save someone's sister(or brother) since I couldn't save mine.
Tabitha, i am truly, truly sorry. There are no words.
Load More Replies...Being a tw*t is not a dietary requirement to be catered for. You were informed she was vegan and catered for that, she cannot expect a meal to then meet her ingredient specific requirements on top of that. And brother is an Ahole for not mentioning it beforehand. If she is that fussy he should have stepped in when it was originally being organised and suggested the girlfriend makes the meal, or meeting her over coffee or something more appropriate
Or the brother could have cooked it himself. This guy did his research and cooked when he didn't normally. She should have been happy that he went to that extent.
Load More Replies...If I was vegan and someone takes the time, effort and research to prepare a meal for me, I would eat it. End of story! That she went home hungry is her own fault.
Yes. Vegatarian here: if someone cooks for me and there is meat or fish in the dish, I damn well eat whole meal. Just out of respect for the cook.
Load More Replies...Definitely not the asshole. You made the effort and it's not your fault the GF went home "hungry", that was HER choice. The brother is being an asshole for telling you that you messed up. If no effort was made or you tried feeding her something non vegan, then yeah, fair enough. The least they could do is show appreciation for what you did. The brother and GF are just rude.
This! I'd be a little offended by her not touching anything, but I'd let it roll off my back. Maybe she does have an ED, maybe she's just a ridiculously picky eater. It would make no difference to me. I just probably wouldn't bother making a whole vegan meal again in the future if she's not going to eat any of it. But the brother texting later about her "going home hungry" would really set me off.
Load More Replies...We went on a trekking/camping all-inclusive holiday a few months ago with my sister in-law, who isn't a strick vegetarian but has a very strict diet (low FODMAP - if anyone is interested), as well as being lactose and gluten intolerant. She wrote an email to the organisers in advance. And she ate everything that was served for the whole 5 days of the shebbang. And when she couldn't - she made no complaints - she just asked for more potatoes and salads. So... that fiancée... she should bring a lunch/dinner box wherever she goes.
I have an extremely limited diet due to health complications, my really close friends know what I can so will always make me something. However, I don't expect this and offer to bring my own meal like I do to most events. I'm wondering if the GF is really vegan and just has some sort of eating disorder. Most vegans would eat what was offered if they definitely knew it was made without animal products.
My family had a friend who would visit us from another city. He went through a vegetarian phase (fair enough), but with restrictions that made no sense to us (such as no nuts). When he became an Orthodox Jew (still vegetarian), he was a delight - he brought his own food and we could truly enjoy his lovely company.
Load More Replies...I'm vegan AND a picky eater but if someone cooks for me, I'll eat anything even if I don't like some of the ingredients or have to pick out the meat (fish is different, just the smell makes me gag but that's my whole life, even as a baby so I'm told). Either that of I'll say not to worry and I'll take my own meal, but still try to use some of what's been served, even if just a few lettuce leaves or bread. If you're a diet, one meal it's not going to make a lot of difference, just exercise a little harder for a couple of days! As many said before this lady has an ED and needs help.
Have an MD, am calling it: Warning sign of eating disorder. But don't push. She may also have just not felt well, or may (gasp!) not love EVERY vegan food out there. Eyes open, and if it's an ED, you'll know. And I've seen anorexics use "veganism" as a cover for not eating, so... could go either way, but my instinct says ED.
NTA. Cooking isn’t easy, especially when it’s for a whole bunch of people — I can tell OP poured their heart and soul into the dishes, since they examined their ingredients to make sure it was vegan. They made a compromise on their part — the fiance could've compromised by eating the meal and not nitpicking on those miniscule details (plus, olive oil is good!), and OP's brother was a douchebag too.
Olive oil is bad to many because of the amount of water used— over 800 gallons per quart, as well as the toxic waste byproduct, so many vegans (and others) avoid it.
Load More Replies...Be careful not to conflate the two, though. Eating disorders are a medical problem with a medical solution, and are beyond the patient's control. Recreational veganism as a power play is FAR from rare, let's be honest. Nothing is preventing her from drawing nutrition from the food prepared, none of it is mentioned as an allergen. If the host had prepared a peanut sauce and the vegan was allergic to peanuts, THEN she might have a case. What she did was just rude and disruptive.
Load More Replies...Bruh, that woman be something else. I'm picky as s**t when it comes to food, I can't digest beef, for one. My man's mom accommodates me for that reason and I eat what she makes me (which is always good). This bitch sounds like a spoiled brat. Entitlement at its finest. However with saying that, if she does have an eating disorder she needs help and the brother should work with her.
I will probably be downvoted but I have to say it. I am not vegan, but I have a lot of food allergies and intolerances plus I have endometriosis, which reacts wildly rapidly to food that is not good to me. And I mean - horrible pain and cramps until the food leaves my system. Not fun. And I am always, always extremely suspicious about food, made by the person I don't know quite well. Unfortunately, I've learnt the hard way not to trust other peoples food preparations, because you have no idea how many people lie about how they make food or what they put in thinking "it's just nothing, so little doesn't count" and so on). In cases like these, I choose not to eat or pretend like I'm doing something with my food, because that is just easier than explaining the difficult math behind the food I eat. And expecting from someone to eat just because someone made it, should not be a rule. In this case, better communication should be the key.
I have similar issues where I can become sick for days due to a small amount of something....but I wouldn't eat at anyone's house (or restaurant) because of it. I'd do other activities, but not food since it's not worth the risk. Socially it does suck, but so does getting sick.
Load More Replies...As a vegan of nearly 5 years I would be delighted that someone had gone to so much trouble, even if it wasn't what I ate everyday, I would have eaten it all!!! I also would have checked before I'd I needed to bring my own food, I would also take food that is vegan but many people also line, or vegan beer or wine. Very sad situation X
I was vegan for a while. Ate a lot of honey or dairy/eggs at other people homes. they simply forgot, or made vegetarian food, or simply out of habit used a bit chicken broth or cream in their food. I never complained, I felt loved because they tried. Same with my gastric bypass now, sugary things make be sick but if someone doesn't know and brings cake for my bday I will have a bite.
Man, my sister was misdiagnosed with celiac disease for a decade. She has a lazy stomach and a celiac diet was actually helpful for her. Not ONCE was she ever irritated that she couldn't eat something at someone's house. She called before, made sure no feelings were hurt that she would bring her own dish since cross-contamination is super common. This chick has an ED for sure and I hope she gets help for it.
Members of my family have self diagnosed themselves as gluten intolerant. When they come over they call in advance to make sure I got gluten free bread in the house. It almost feels like a power play. That or, hyper anxiety about life so let's control one thing I can control and that's food
Load More Replies...It appear that the fiance did everything she could to make sure she was the centre of attention. Attention seekers are always very hard work. The host went out of their way to make sure this woman felt welcomed and accomodated and that kindness was ignored. Shame on the brother for not recognizing the effort that was made.
Brother isn’t shagging the sibling that cooked. It’s not lack of recognition, it’s self interest.
Load More Replies...I have in my own family people with strange eating habits. They self diagnose all kinds of things and then when they are coming over for dinner, notify you days in advance any food they specifically request for their own plate. Like Im a restaurant or something. Needless to say, I don't have them for dinner anymore.
I don't blame you. I don't mind small adjustments (such as setting aside part of a salad with an allergen left out), but catering to hypochondriacs with random dietary requirements is really not worth the hassle.
Load More Replies...I don't know what to think of the rise of so many vegans nowadays, but it's definitely important to keep looking for replacements that give you all you need, and also, don't become a terror vegan
I am allergic to fish and seafood and have been ever since childhood. My family members do their best to accommodate this allergy and will usually cook something that I can eat. However, at one of the jobs I had in college, I got a free lunch every day I worked. Every so often, they would serve fish and they didn't do substitutions, so I would just eat the other things they had like cornbread, beans, and whatever else was there. I was never unpleasant about it and never made a fuss. This young lady seems to have a bigger issue going on than just being vegan.
Absolutely absurd, and unforgivable behaviour by the vegan, as per usual. Actually that's not fair, there MAY indeed be civil vegans out there, I've just literally never met a single one that wasn't militant and disruptive. As for this particular vegan, OP went out of their way to a frankly astonishing degree, and should be commended for their extraordinary efforts. In my view, this man is absolutely NTA. This inlaw should never be invited anywhere again. Ever. If at some point she learns enough etiquette to be permissible out of doors, you can revisit her joining your table. Cooking FOR her however... you're a bigger person than I if you can muster that. My heartfelt condolences on this ruined evening, you did do an undeniably impressive job as host.
The reason you don’t hear about them or have never met them is because they’re not militant. Therefore, they don’t announce it, humbly do their best to self-accommodate, don’t wear it as a badge of honor and don’t use it as their main characteristic. The very essence of not being outspoken or militant is to not be outspoken or militant.
Load More Replies...This is ED. This was me. Playing with food, drink a lot of water and would slice raw veggies to micro pieces and pop a tiny one in and exaggerate chewing. The brother would know this but I'm sure she's got blaming the food quality down to a science for excuses.
A lot of these vegans are only doing it as an affectation. Gets them a lot of attention everywhere they go. In fact, they do their utmost to ensure they get a lot of attention. Most of them can and will drop it as soon as they're tired of the game.
Or a competent doctor tells them their bodies are breaking down due to numerous nutrient deficiencies.
Load More Replies...What, even? They told you vegan, you did your best. If there were other restrictions they didn’t convey how were you to know? They should have been like “s**t I’m sorry we didn’t say, but she’s off white flour too” or whatever. But it’s your fault? Not the arsehole, not by a long shot.
This kind of stuff is sad. Even eating together has become way too complicated.
As a beekeeper, it really winds me up when they won't eat honey. It's not an animal product, it's made from nectar. You're not stealing from them either - they just keep working and if you don't remove the excess honey, and they run out of room then they will swarm and could end up in someone's chimney or something. And sitting there tearing up a bread roll is just childish. Veganism IS an ED, it's not what we evolved to be.
I'm a picky eater with additional dietary restrictions for health reasons (gluten-free and lactose-free), but, when I'm in someone else's home and they serve me food, I always eat something. If the host asks beforehand about dietary restrictions, I will be honest, but I never ask for anything special. It's just part of being an adult and being gracious.
My husband and I invited a couple over for dinner one time. I asked in advance if they were OK with Chinese food and was assured they loved it. Well, the wife sat throughout the entire meal touching nothing on the table. I kept asking if there was anything else I could get for her and she said no. I felt awful.
You had no reason to feel awful. That was on her. You offered to make her something else and she refused, so you did your part.
Load More Replies...Nothing you made is forbidden to vegans. Any vegan who has additional no-go foods that are beyond veganism is obligated to make those clear well beforehand or bring his own food. At the very least this woman is a drama queen and the possibility of an eating disorder is very real.
As a person with am ED, I can totally say that she was was using the roll as a distraction. I have done similar things many times over. I've been in therapy for a few years now and am making improvements, thank goodness. But I have never made a scene about it. At all cost, most people don't want others to know they have an ED, at least I didn't. I think she just wanted attention and she got it, but not in a positive way.
Please invite me for dinner - I will eat each and every bit of it! I am vegan and nobody in my family would ever even think about changing the menu for me! They think I am just being unnecessarily complicated although I really do not want something special for me and just eat what is available - I would already be perfectly happy if they stopped forcing meat and dairy products on me! Typical conversation: You can eat this, it is vegan! Sister, I just saw you stirring cream into the sauce? Yes, cream, but there is no meat in it - now cream is also not vegan? Anything that comes from an animal has never been vegan... Then eat the fish instead, or this salad - it is just chicken! *silent facepalm* I usually just try to bring some own food, a cake, a salad, anything - however, recently I had been explicitly told to not bring anything "there would be enough for everybody". Guess who ate dry bread all day? All salads already with dressing, not even a single tomato or grape to get hold of...
Since the real issue is about the fight the brother started, I don't think Op was the A, but I also don't think it's fair to get upset if someone just decides they don't want to eat your food. That's sort of petty and selfish. I mean, on the one hand, I get it, because you put a lot of work into it. You made it a certain way for one person and now everybody has to eat that way. That's frustrating. But on the other hand, it probably shouldn't really matter to you what that person actually does with the food as long as they're not complaining. You did your part. You fulfilled your role as host, and now everybody else who wants it has food. It should generally be a good thing. You really just have no way to know what the person's stomach is feeling like that day, or if they have allergies, or even an eating disorder. It's really none of your business unless they want to share that information with you, and an offering of food doesn't mean they owe you an explanation.
My guess is that she is really a Nutritarian. No one knows what that is so “vegan” is the closest thing. Still I can’t imagine putting someone in the position of having to accommodate that - vegan, but also no oil or refined breads, or processed foods, or sugar. Better to make your own meals in that case, don’t burden someone else.
my question would be whether she's actually vegan or has food allergies and it's easier to say she's vegan. I had some pretty odd food allergies in the past, but in this situation, I would bring my own food
In that case, she shouldn't be telling people, and getting huffy when she's presented with vegan food.
Load More Replies...You know, milions of years of evolution says that a**hole is the best way to deal with a little sh*t. Being one is sometimes right.
The way he introduced the possibility of her having an eating disorder was on the insensitive side. He was so direct, he almost made a joke out of it. I would have sat my brother down in person and said, "I'm worried about your girlfriend because x behavior..." but that's just me. It's probably better in the relationship between brothers than I can see from the outside. But of course he didn't do anything wrong with his cooking and that was very nice of him.
There was enough there for the GF to eat; not EVERY meal has to be perfectly nutritious. It would have been wise for the sister to enquire as to what the GF eats and doesn't eat, rather than winging it. That said, GF sounds extremely picky. Just because you're a vegan, you don't have to be a pain in the ass -- and most aren't. I just eat what I can eat, and I have a snack beforehand, just in case.
The GF may not have an eating disorder at all. She may just act out like this for attention. In any event, if she keeps it up she won't live very long.
Hm. My husband is a picky eater, too. He won’t eat anything unhealthy, like burned bread or heated olive oil. But he doesn’t complain if he „can’t“ („won‘t“ in that case) eat at an event or dinner. He just eats when he gets home. And he is fine with it, for he doesn’t want to bother. It is sometimes weird for the host and maybe not polite, but telling them beforehand and expect a special menu or treatment would also be weird. There is no win if you are just not tolerant against esch other.
I have a sister who is chronically dissatisfied with everything served to her. The only food she can really eat happily is what she makes herself. This sounds so much like her. Depends who she’s with whether or not she’s polite about it and her explanations are always about her health or “cutting down in carbs” or whatever. I don’t think she has an eating disorder , just a freakishly controlling personality.
My sister & her family are vegan. It has never been a problem. When I host family dinners I usually make one of two things: pasta with marinara sauce and Italian sausages on the side (one vegan), bread and salad. The other is a "build your own" Greek salad with the salami & feta on the side, served with Naan & hummus. No one's ever complained or, God forbid, left my house "hungry. The fiancé is an insecure spoiled little bitch, IMHO.
sounds like a case of orthorexia. when i went vegan, i went through the same thing. i was so obsessive nothing was ever good enough, vegan enough, or "clean" enough. i put my health in jeopardy and got very sick from this. i hope she realizes it before she does permanent damage to herself.
It takes me around 20 minutes to figure out whether a person I've met is a vegan. Because that's how long it will take them to announce the fact.
Here’s my guess the GF is Whole Food Plant Based not vegan or maybe in addition to being vegan, but most people don’t know the difference between Whole Food Plant Based and vegan, so they just call it vegan when they explain it to others, so the fiancé probably just told his brother she was Vegan instead of WFPB. WFPB is like Forks Over Knives or Eat to Live or China Study or How not to Die. That being said I’ve heard even Dr. Campbell (FOK) has Reese’s peanut butter cups at New Years. So exceptions could have been made.
Considering everything that was served was "certified" vegan according to the research the cook did, I suspect the brother's partner has other issues she needs to work on. Even if the food prepared wasn't 100% what you enjoy, you could still sample a little at least?
Next time serve her up a plate of rocks & twigs. What an ungrateful high maintenance pain in the ass.
Most of these AITA posts are just posted to make the OP look good. It's kind of like a 'humblebrag' I suppose. It sounds like you're saying 'oh I'm not sure I did the right thing' but what you're actually saying is 'look what a great guy I am, oh and just wait for this awesome comeback I texted my brother'.
Dear Brother - Marry that girl, and you will be eating gluten free kale chips for dinner... for the rest of your life!
Oh, I don't think there's any danger of him marrying her, not after they share a few more meals.
Load More Replies...She's rude and had no appreciation for anyone else going to strenuous efforts to accommodate her. Tell your brother to call you when he's broken up with Miss Center Of Attention. And only after he apologizes for treating you in such a way. Family before lovers.
Am I The @sshole, Not The @sshole. There's also ESH, for Everyone Sucks Here.
Load More Replies...NTA. He went out of his way, her having a tantrum and tearing up the rolls, what a child. Sounds like he did his research. Sounds like she went into with the attitude of entitlement. I have Celiac disease and I let people know. I don't expect them to cook everything special like he did. I usually bring stuff I can eat and am grateful when there's something I can eat. Girl has problems!!!
Mocking or berating someone for an eating disorder is unhelpful, so yeah, asshole move there. Complaining about the cooking when someone has clearly made an effort is also an asshole move. Not eating white flour is actually a sensible health move for a lot of people, but if you don't eat white flour, you need to tell people that, same as you need to declare a gluten allergy.
I was a vegan for a while. ended upe ating honey or dairy sometimes because people cooked vegetarian for me, simply forgot or out of habit used a little cream or chicken broth in their food. I always ate, I felt loved because they tried. Same with my gastric bypass now, sugary foods make me sick, but if someone doesn't know and brings cake for my bday I will have a bite.
I'm not vegetarian or vegan, but it sounds like a meal I would have enjoyed! Kudos to the OP for making a great meal, regardless of audience or reception!
Decent people with food allergies or preferences tend to bring their own food to places like this. I don't think her problem is being vegan.
Vegans normally avoid anything of animal origin, but there's no strict rule. I know a vegan who likes knitting, but she uses ethically-sourced wool. She also has cats and feeds them proper meat-based food.
Load More Replies...Should’ve just let mom serve hamburger laden spaghetti or cottage pie and salad. What you got are the wages of compassion and caring. Now you know better.
She was being rude but I think the poster is spot on. Sounds like she has an eating disorder so it is more of her having an illness. Brother is defensive about it from the sounds of it and used the sibling as a way to deflect the issue. Sibling responds in kind because it sucks to host people and put a lot of work in to then be chastised for your effort. Think it is just a bad situation and the siblings should both apologize and make up. Poster should apologize for making a snide comment related to an illness, and the brother should apologize for attacking the poster in the first place and thank them for the effort they did make. The brother is way more in the wrong in this situation but people are emotional when it comes to illness and the person they love. He is probably in denial about the whole thing. Sometimes people vent by being aggressive towards someone who is "safe" to attack. Doesn't make it right but helps to frame the situation.
There is not always an "arsehole" in every situation. The guy tried his best and should be given props for that, she has a special diet and should not be forced to eat something that she does not want to. People need to get over their ego's. As someone that does not eat meat, I can tell you I do not expect that people are going to be able to perfectly cater to my diet, this is the attitude of most vegans, vegetarians and whatever else there is out there. With all that said his line about catering to a vegan not an eating disorder was pure comedy gold and his brother is an arsehole if he did not laugh.
Sure. That’s fine. Right up until the brother started the rude texts.
Load More Replies...Talking openly about an eating disorder is not an accusation. Sure, you're not an M.D. but if you want to see this from a poetic perspective, read Margaret Atwood's novel The Edible Woman.
Too bad more people don't have an MYOB degree.
Load More Replies...Last I heard, pasta does tend to have eggs in it, so not strictly vegan, but there was enough else on the menu that was that Princess Picky should have been able to eat SOMETHING. Either she's a total diva or she has some serious food issues.
So he was really careful about sourcing bread with no animal products but specifically bought the extra egg brand pasta? Gtfo.
Load More Replies...for clarification - i am NOT vegan but i understand a little if people don't want to eat olive oil, vinegar or drink vine ... despite the claims of foods being all "natural ,good and vegan" sometimes they still use animals such as Bugs to naturally colour foods... to make vine , to ferment vinegar and so on.. that's why a lot of vegas buy just precise brands they KNOW are cruelty free and 100% vegan.... as a vegetarian / felxitarian / meat-eater you just can't know about this and just feel like "olive oil is just olive oil it doesn't matter right?" it's ok... but still not for SOME vegans out there ...is such extreme veganism healthy and cheap? probably not, but i get where the uncertainty comes from.
The way she behaved clearly indicates an eating disorder, unfortunately. Many people with an ED may say they have allergies, or that they’re vegan, vegetarian, paleo, carb-intolerant etc. to hide it. This is not to say that there aren’t healthy people that follow specific diets for various reasons, there are. It’s just that the society is not ready to recognise and help people with EDs, as they indeed can behave in ways that are not acceptable (just like people with other mental health issues). I don’t think there’s an asshole in this story; there is an ill young woman that needs professional help.
Nah, the brother def was the a*****e for getting mad at op as if gf going hungry was somehow his fault. But the gf and the op themselves are not a******s
Load More Replies...It won’t hurt a meat eater to not eat meat for a meal, but in addition to the psychological damage meat can cause, it can actually make them physically ill if their systems aren’t used to it—so while I appreciate your thought process I can’t agree.
Load More Replies...It’s not an insult. She is describing the problem that this woman has.
Load More Replies...She sat and tore up the bread rolls. That's a distraction technique. It's playing with food she desperately wants to be able to want to eat. I'd put money on the fact that calling out her ED was more accurate than they want to admit.
Yes, classic tactics for eating disorder. I know picky people and vegans, but this is screaming ed at me. And the brother probably knows. Stand back and take a deep breath, there is nothing further you can do for either of them.
Load More Replies...I see this so many times and It angers me so much: honey has nothing to do with being a vegan! Bees are on the verge of going extinct and if we want to stop that, we need to eat honey so that the bee keepers can keep taking care of the bees. It is NOT animal cruelty to take honey from the bees. They always have a reserve and in most cases dont even get agitated when a bee keeper takes what they need. So for the love of good, STOP telling people eating honey is against veganism. It's bullshit and harms the bees in the long run.
Thanks for pointing that out. If one can buy local honey from small beekeepers, that's probably even better.
Load More Replies...She could have eaten small portions, or just had salad, if she was that worried about calories. Refusing everything after the host has made a special effort to accommodate is rude, if it's done unnecessarily.
@Rob Woodman. Just no. My bees are not exploited and,as I said above, any responsible beekeeper will remove EXCESS honey to prevent swarming.
Load More Replies...I lost my sister to her eating disorder earlier this year. She hid behind being a "picky vegan". And it worked for everyone aside from immediate family. I recognize that I have some trauma around this but every single vegan I meet I look at very carefully to assess for disordered eating because it's the easiest smoke screen. This guy was absolutely correct. Call people out. Scream it. Don't let them keep their secret. Save someone's sister(or brother) since I couldn't save mine.
Tabitha, i am truly, truly sorry. There are no words.
Load More Replies...Being a tw*t is not a dietary requirement to be catered for. You were informed she was vegan and catered for that, she cannot expect a meal to then meet her ingredient specific requirements on top of that. And brother is an Ahole for not mentioning it beforehand. If she is that fussy he should have stepped in when it was originally being organised and suggested the girlfriend makes the meal, or meeting her over coffee or something more appropriate
Or the brother could have cooked it himself. This guy did his research and cooked when he didn't normally. She should have been happy that he went to that extent.
Load More Replies...If I was vegan and someone takes the time, effort and research to prepare a meal for me, I would eat it. End of story! That she went home hungry is her own fault.
Yes. Vegatarian here: if someone cooks for me and there is meat or fish in the dish, I damn well eat whole meal. Just out of respect for the cook.
Load More Replies...Definitely not the asshole. You made the effort and it's not your fault the GF went home "hungry", that was HER choice. The brother is being an asshole for telling you that you messed up. If no effort was made or you tried feeding her something non vegan, then yeah, fair enough. The least they could do is show appreciation for what you did. The brother and GF are just rude.
This! I'd be a little offended by her not touching anything, but I'd let it roll off my back. Maybe she does have an ED, maybe she's just a ridiculously picky eater. It would make no difference to me. I just probably wouldn't bother making a whole vegan meal again in the future if she's not going to eat any of it. But the brother texting later about her "going home hungry" would really set me off.
Load More Replies...We went on a trekking/camping all-inclusive holiday a few months ago with my sister in-law, who isn't a strick vegetarian but has a very strict diet (low FODMAP - if anyone is interested), as well as being lactose and gluten intolerant. She wrote an email to the organisers in advance. And she ate everything that was served for the whole 5 days of the shebbang. And when she couldn't - she made no complaints - she just asked for more potatoes and salads. So... that fiancée... she should bring a lunch/dinner box wherever she goes.
I have an extremely limited diet due to health complications, my really close friends know what I can so will always make me something. However, I don't expect this and offer to bring my own meal like I do to most events. I'm wondering if the GF is really vegan and just has some sort of eating disorder. Most vegans would eat what was offered if they definitely knew it was made without animal products.
My family had a friend who would visit us from another city. He went through a vegetarian phase (fair enough), but with restrictions that made no sense to us (such as no nuts). When he became an Orthodox Jew (still vegetarian), he was a delight - he brought his own food and we could truly enjoy his lovely company.
Load More Replies...I'm vegan AND a picky eater but if someone cooks for me, I'll eat anything even if I don't like some of the ingredients or have to pick out the meat (fish is different, just the smell makes me gag but that's my whole life, even as a baby so I'm told). Either that of I'll say not to worry and I'll take my own meal, but still try to use some of what's been served, even if just a few lettuce leaves or bread. If you're a diet, one meal it's not going to make a lot of difference, just exercise a little harder for a couple of days! As many said before this lady has an ED and needs help.
Have an MD, am calling it: Warning sign of eating disorder. But don't push. She may also have just not felt well, or may (gasp!) not love EVERY vegan food out there. Eyes open, and if it's an ED, you'll know. And I've seen anorexics use "veganism" as a cover for not eating, so... could go either way, but my instinct says ED.
NTA. Cooking isn’t easy, especially when it’s for a whole bunch of people — I can tell OP poured their heart and soul into the dishes, since they examined their ingredients to make sure it was vegan. They made a compromise on their part — the fiance could've compromised by eating the meal and not nitpicking on those miniscule details (plus, olive oil is good!), and OP's brother was a douchebag too.
Olive oil is bad to many because of the amount of water used— over 800 gallons per quart, as well as the toxic waste byproduct, so many vegans (and others) avoid it.
Load More Replies...Be careful not to conflate the two, though. Eating disorders are a medical problem with a medical solution, and are beyond the patient's control. Recreational veganism as a power play is FAR from rare, let's be honest. Nothing is preventing her from drawing nutrition from the food prepared, none of it is mentioned as an allergen. If the host had prepared a peanut sauce and the vegan was allergic to peanuts, THEN she might have a case. What she did was just rude and disruptive.
Load More Replies...Bruh, that woman be something else. I'm picky as s**t when it comes to food, I can't digest beef, for one. My man's mom accommodates me for that reason and I eat what she makes me (which is always good). This bitch sounds like a spoiled brat. Entitlement at its finest. However with saying that, if she does have an eating disorder she needs help and the brother should work with her.
I will probably be downvoted but I have to say it. I am not vegan, but I have a lot of food allergies and intolerances plus I have endometriosis, which reacts wildly rapidly to food that is not good to me. And I mean - horrible pain and cramps until the food leaves my system. Not fun. And I am always, always extremely suspicious about food, made by the person I don't know quite well. Unfortunately, I've learnt the hard way not to trust other peoples food preparations, because you have no idea how many people lie about how they make food or what they put in thinking "it's just nothing, so little doesn't count" and so on). In cases like these, I choose not to eat or pretend like I'm doing something with my food, because that is just easier than explaining the difficult math behind the food I eat. And expecting from someone to eat just because someone made it, should not be a rule. In this case, better communication should be the key.
I have similar issues where I can become sick for days due to a small amount of something....but I wouldn't eat at anyone's house (or restaurant) because of it. I'd do other activities, but not food since it's not worth the risk. Socially it does suck, but so does getting sick.
Load More Replies...As a vegan of nearly 5 years I would be delighted that someone had gone to so much trouble, even if it wasn't what I ate everyday, I would have eaten it all!!! I also would have checked before I'd I needed to bring my own food, I would also take food that is vegan but many people also line, or vegan beer or wine. Very sad situation X
I was vegan for a while. Ate a lot of honey or dairy/eggs at other people homes. they simply forgot, or made vegetarian food, or simply out of habit used a bit chicken broth or cream in their food. I never complained, I felt loved because they tried. Same with my gastric bypass now, sugary things make be sick but if someone doesn't know and brings cake for my bday I will have a bite.
Man, my sister was misdiagnosed with celiac disease for a decade. She has a lazy stomach and a celiac diet was actually helpful for her. Not ONCE was she ever irritated that she couldn't eat something at someone's house. She called before, made sure no feelings were hurt that she would bring her own dish since cross-contamination is super common. This chick has an ED for sure and I hope she gets help for it.
Members of my family have self diagnosed themselves as gluten intolerant. When they come over they call in advance to make sure I got gluten free bread in the house. It almost feels like a power play. That or, hyper anxiety about life so let's control one thing I can control and that's food
Load More Replies...It appear that the fiance did everything she could to make sure she was the centre of attention. Attention seekers are always very hard work. The host went out of their way to make sure this woman felt welcomed and accomodated and that kindness was ignored. Shame on the brother for not recognizing the effort that was made.
Brother isn’t shagging the sibling that cooked. It’s not lack of recognition, it’s self interest.
Load More Replies...I have in my own family people with strange eating habits. They self diagnose all kinds of things and then when they are coming over for dinner, notify you days in advance any food they specifically request for their own plate. Like Im a restaurant or something. Needless to say, I don't have them for dinner anymore.
I don't blame you. I don't mind small adjustments (such as setting aside part of a salad with an allergen left out), but catering to hypochondriacs with random dietary requirements is really not worth the hassle.
Load More Replies...I don't know what to think of the rise of so many vegans nowadays, but it's definitely important to keep looking for replacements that give you all you need, and also, don't become a terror vegan
I am allergic to fish and seafood and have been ever since childhood. My family members do their best to accommodate this allergy and will usually cook something that I can eat. However, at one of the jobs I had in college, I got a free lunch every day I worked. Every so often, they would serve fish and they didn't do substitutions, so I would just eat the other things they had like cornbread, beans, and whatever else was there. I was never unpleasant about it and never made a fuss. This young lady seems to have a bigger issue going on than just being vegan.
Absolutely absurd, and unforgivable behaviour by the vegan, as per usual. Actually that's not fair, there MAY indeed be civil vegans out there, I've just literally never met a single one that wasn't militant and disruptive. As for this particular vegan, OP went out of their way to a frankly astonishing degree, and should be commended for their extraordinary efforts. In my view, this man is absolutely NTA. This inlaw should never be invited anywhere again. Ever. If at some point she learns enough etiquette to be permissible out of doors, you can revisit her joining your table. Cooking FOR her however... you're a bigger person than I if you can muster that. My heartfelt condolences on this ruined evening, you did do an undeniably impressive job as host.
The reason you don’t hear about them or have never met them is because they’re not militant. Therefore, they don’t announce it, humbly do their best to self-accommodate, don’t wear it as a badge of honor and don’t use it as their main characteristic. The very essence of not being outspoken or militant is to not be outspoken or militant.
Load More Replies...This is ED. This was me. Playing with food, drink a lot of water and would slice raw veggies to micro pieces and pop a tiny one in and exaggerate chewing. The brother would know this but I'm sure she's got blaming the food quality down to a science for excuses.
A lot of these vegans are only doing it as an affectation. Gets them a lot of attention everywhere they go. In fact, they do their utmost to ensure they get a lot of attention. Most of them can and will drop it as soon as they're tired of the game.
Or a competent doctor tells them their bodies are breaking down due to numerous nutrient deficiencies.
Load More Replies...What, even? They told you vegan, you did your best. If there were other restrictions they didn’t convey how were you to know? They should have been like “s**t I’m sorry we didn’t say, but she’s off white flour too” or whatever. But it’s your fault? Not the arsehole, not by a long shot.
This kind of stuff is sad. Even eating together has become way too complicated.
As a beekeeper, it really winds me up when they won't eat honey. It's not an animal product, it's made from nectar. You're not stealing from them either - they just keep working and if you don't remove the excess honey, and they run out of room then they will swarm and could end up in someone's chimney or something. And sitting there tearing up a bread roll is just childish. Veganism IS an ED, it's not what we evolved to be.
I'm a picky eater with additional dietary restrictions for health reasons (gluten-free and lactose-free), but, when I'm in someone else's home and they serve me food, I always eat something. If the host asks beforehand about dietary restrictions, I will be honest, but I never ask for anything special. It's just part of being an adult and being gracious.
My husband and I invited a couple over for dinner one time. I asked in advance if they were OK with Chinese food and was assured they loved it. Well, the wife sat throughout the entire meal touching nothing on the table. I kept asking if there was anything else I could get for her and she said no. I felt awful.
You had no reason to feel awful. That was on her. You offered to make her something else and she refused, so you did your part.
Load More Replies...Nothing you made is forbidden to vegans. Any vegan who has additional no-go foods that are beyond veganism is obligated to make those clear well beforehand or bring his own food. At the very least this woman is a drama queen and the possibility of an eating disorder is very real.
As a person with am ED, I can totally say that she was was using the roll as a distraction. I have done similar things many times over. I've been in therapy for a few years now and am making improvements, thank goodness. But I have never made a scene about it. At all cost, most people don't want others to know they have an ED, at least I didn't. I think she just wanted attention and she got it, but not in a positive way.
Please invite me for dinner - I will eat each and every bit of it! I am vegan and nobody in my family would ever even think about changing the menu for me! They think I am just being unnecessarily complicated although I really do not want something special for me and just eat what is available - I would already be perfectly happy if they stopped forcing meat and dairy products on me! Typical conversation: You can eat this, it is vegan! Sister, I just saw you stirring cream into the sauce? Yes, cream, but there is no meat in it - now cream is also not vegan? Anything that comes from an animal has never been vegan... Then eat the fish instead, or this salad - it is just chicken! *silent facepalm* I usually just try to bring some own food, a cake, a salad, anything - however, recently I had been explicitly told to not bring anything "there would be enough for everybody". Guess who ate dry bread all day? All salads already with dressing, not even a single tomato or grape to get hold of...
Since the real issue is about the fight the brother started, I don't think Op was the A, but I also don't think it's fair to get upset if someone just decides they don't want to eat your food. That's sort of petty and selfish. I mean, on the one hand, I get it, because you put a lot of work into it. You made it a certain way for one person and now everybody has to eat that way. That's frustrating. But on the other hand, it probably shouldn't really matter to you what that person actually does with the food as long as they're not complaining. You did your part. You fulfilled your role as host, and now everybody else who wants it has food. It should generally be a good thing. You really just have no way to know what the person's stomach is feeling like that day, or if they have allergies, or even an eating disorder. It's really none of your business unless they want to share that information with you, and an offering of food doesn't mean they owe you an explanation.
My guess is that she is really a Nutritarian. No one knows what that is so “vegan” is the closest thing. Still I can’t imagine putting someone in the position of having to accommodate that - vegan, but also no oil or refined breads, or processed foods, or sugar. Better to make your own meals in that case, don’t burden someone else.
my question would be whether she's actually vegan or has food allergies and it's easier to say she's vegan. I had some pretty odd food allergies in the past, but in this situation, I would bring my own food
In that case, she shouldn't be telling people, and getting huffy when she's presented with vegan food.
Load More Replies...You know, milions of years of evolution says that a**hole is the best way to deal with a little sh*t. Being one is sometimes right.
The way he introduced the possibility of her having an eating disorder was on the insensitive side. He was so direct, he almost made a joke out of it. I would have sat my brother down in person and said, "I'm worried about your girlfriend because x behavior..." but that's just me. It's probably better in the relationship between brothers than I can see from the outside. But of course he didn't do anything wrong with his cooking and that was very nice of him.
There was enough there for the GF to eat; not EVERY meal has to be perfectly nutritious. It would have been wise for the sister to enquire as to what the GF eats and doesn't eat, rather than winging it. That said, GF sounds extremely picky. Just because you're a vegan, you don't have to be a pain in the ass -- and most aren't. I just eat what I can eat, and I have a snack beforehand, just in case.
The GF may not have an eating disorder at all. She may just act out like this for attention. In any event, if she keeps it up she won't live very long.
Hm. My husband is a picky eater, too. He won’t eat anything unhealthy, like burned bread or heated olive oil. But he doesn’t complain if he „can’t“ („won‘t“ in that case) eat at an event or dinner. He just eats when he gets home. And he is fine with it, for he doesn’t want to bother. It is sometimes weird for the host and maybe not polite, but telling them beforehand and expect a special menu or treatment would also be weird. There is no win if you are just not tolerant against esch other.
I have a sister who is chronically dissatisfied with everything served to her. The only food she can really eat happily is what she makes herself. This sounds so much like her. Depends who she’s with whether or not she’s polite about it and her explanations are always about her health or “cutting down in carbs” or whatever. I don’t think she has an eating disorder , just a freakishly controlling personality.
My sister & her family are vegan. It has never been a problem. When I host family dinners I usually make one of two things: pasta with marinara sauce and Italian sausages on the side (one vegan), bread and salad. The other is a "build your own" Greek salad with the salami & feta on the side, served with Naan & hummus. No one's ever complained or, God forbid, left my house "hungry. The fiancé is an insecure spoiled little bitch, IMHO.
sounds like a case of orthorexia. when i went vegan, i went through the same thing. i was so obsessive nothing was ever good enough, vegan enough, or "clean" enough. i put my health in jeopardy and got very sick from this. i hope she realizes it before she does permanent damage to herself.
It takes me around 20 minutes to figure out whether a person I've met is a vegan. Because that's how long it will take them to announce the fact.
Here’s my guess the GF is Whole Food Plant Based not vegan or maybe in addition to being vegan, but most people don’t know the difference between Whole Food Plant Based and vegan, so they just call it vegan when they explain it to others, so the fiancé probably just told his brother she was Vegan instead of WFPB. WFPB is like Forks Over Knives or Eat to Live or China Study or How not to Die. That being said I’ve heard even Dr. Campbell (FOK) has Reese’s peanut butter cups at New Years. So exceptions could have been made.
Considering everything that was served was "certified" vegan according to the research the cook did, I suspect the brother's partner has other issues she needs to work on. Even if the food prepared wasn't 100% what you enjoy, you could still sample a little at least?
Next time serve her up a plate of rocks & twigs. What an ungrateful high maintenance pain in the ass.
Most of these AITA posts are just posted to make the OP look good. It's kind of like a 'humblebrag' I suppose. It sounds like you're saying 'oh I'm not sure I did the right thing' but what you're actually saying is 'look what a great guy I am, oh and just wait for this awesome comeback I texted my brother'.
Dear Brother - Marry that girl, and you will be eating gluten free kale chips for dinner... for the rest of your life!
Oh, I don't think there's any danger of him marrying her, not after they share a few more meals.
Load More Replies...She's rude and had no appreciation for anyone else going to strenuous efforts to accommodate her. Tell your brother to call you when he's broken up with Miss Center Of Attention. And only after he apologizes for treating you in such a way. Family before lovers.
Am I The @sshole, Not The @sshole. There's also ESH, for Everyone Sucks Here.
Load More Replies...NTA. He went out of his way, her having a tantrum and tearing up the rolls, what a child. Sounds like he did his research. Sounds like she went into with the attitude of entitlement. I have Celiac disease and I let people know. I don't expect them to cook everything special like he did. I usually bring stuff I can eat and am grateful when there's something I can eat. Girl has problems!!!
Mocking or berating someone for an eating disorder is unhelpful, so yeah, asshole move there. Complaining about the cooking when someone has clearly made an effort is also an asshole move. Not eating white flour is actually a sensible health move for a lot of people, but if you don't eat white flour, you need to tell people that, same as you need to declare a gluten allergy.
I was a vegan for a while. ended upe ating honey or dairy sometimes because people cooked vegetarian for me, simply forgot or out of habit used a little cream or chicken broth in their food. I always ate, I felt loved because they tried. Same with my gastric bypass now, sugary foods make me sick, but if someone doesn't know and brings cake for my bday I will have a bite.
I'm not vegetarian or vegan, but it sounds like a meal I would have enjoyed! Kudos to the OP for making a great meal, regardless of audience or reception!
Decent people with food allergies or preferences tend to bring their own food to places like this. I don't think her problem is being vegan.
Vegans normally avoid anything of animal origin, but there's no strict rule. I know a vegan who likes knitting, but she uses ethically-sourced wool. She also has cats and feeds them proper meat-based food.
Load More Replies...Should’ve just let mom serve hamburger laden spaghetti or cottage pie and salad. What you got are the wages of compassion and caring. Now you know better.
She was being rude but I think the poster is spot on. Sounds like she has an eating disorder so it is more of her having an illness. Brother is defensive about it from the sounds of it and used the sibling as a way to deflect the issue. Sibling responds in kind because it sucks to host people and put a lot of work in to then be chastised for your effort. Think it is just a bad situation and the siblings should both apologize and make up. Poster should apologize for making a snide comment related to an illness, and the brother should apologize for attacking the poster in the first place and thank them for the effort they did make. The brother is way more in the wrong in this situation but people are emotional when it comes to illness and the person they love. He is probably in denial about the whole thing. Sometimes people vent by being aggressive towards someone who is "safe" to attack. Doesn't make it right but helps to frame the situation.
There is not always an "arsehole" in every situation. The guy tried his best and should be given props for that, she has a special diet and should not be forced to eat something that she does not want to. People need to get over their ego's. As someone that does not eat meat, I can tell you I do not expect that people are going to be able to perfectly cater to my diet, this is the attitude of most vegans, vegetarians and whatever else there is out there. With all that said his line about catering to a vegan not an eating disorder was pure comedy gold and his brother is an arsehole if he did not laugh.
Sure. That’s fine. Right up until the brother started the rude texts.
Load More Replies...Talking openly about an eating disorder is not an accusation. Sure, you're not an M.D. but if you want to see this from a poetic perspective, read Margaret Atwood's novel The Edible Woman.
Too bad more people don't have an MYOB degree.
Load More Replies...Last I heard, pasta does tend to have eggs in it, so not strictly vegan, but there was enough else on the menu that was that Princess Picky should have been able to eat SOMETHING. Either she's a total diva or she has some serious food issues.
So he was really careful about sourcing bread with no animal products but specifically bought the extra egg brand pasta? Gtfo.
Load More Replies...for clarification - i am NOT vegan but i understand a little if people don't want to eat olive oil, vinegar or drink vine ... despite the claims of foods being all "natural ,good and vegan" sometimes they still use animals such as Bugs to naturally colour foods... to make vine , to ferment vinegar and so on.. that's why a lot of vegas buy just precise brands they KNOW are cruelty free and 100% vegan.... as a vegetarian / felxitarian / meat-eater you just can't know about this and just feel like "olive oil is just olive oil it doesn't matter right?" it's ok... but still not for SOME vegans out there ...is such extreme veganism healthy and cheap? probably not, but i get where the uncertainty comes from.
The way she behaved clearly indicates an eating disorder, unfortunately. Many people with an ED may say they have allergies, or that they’re vegan, vegetarian, paleo, carb-intolerant etc. to hide it. This is not to say that there aren’t healthy people that follow specific diets for various reasons, there are. It’s just that the society is not ready to recognise and help people with EDs, as they indeed can behave in ways that are not acceptable (just like people with other mental health issues). I don’t think there’s an asshole in this story; there is an ill young woman that needs professional help.
Nah, the brother def was the a*****e for getting mad at op as if gf going hungry was somehow his fault. But the gf and the op themselves are not a******s
Load More Replies...It won’t hurt a meat eater to not eat meat for a meal, but in addition to the psychological damage meat can cause, it can actually make them physically ill if their systems aren’t used to it—so while I appreciate your thought process I can’t agree.
Load More Replies...It’s not an insult. She is describing the problem that this woman has.
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