We all know that words can heal, just as they can hurt. The same goes with asking questions. Sometimes even the most innocent ones, given the particular circumstances, like a simple “who are you?” and “why wouldn’t you stand up straight for a photo?” can hit us in the bones.
So when Redditor Sneha_magic asked people “What innocent question that someone asked you crushed you a little?” on the AskReddit community, it resonated with many people. And they shared their own emotional experiences when a single question made them very emotional, and it’s one hell of a read. It turns out, we should never take any question for granted, no matter how innocent and well-intentioned it may feel to us.
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I went to get a haircut for my Fiance's funeral. It was Friday. He had died on Tuesday. My stylist, all bubbly, said, 'It's been awhile!! The last time I saw you, you were just about to move in with your boyfriend! How's it going?' The words stuck and I kind of rasped it out.
Honestly though, her reaction was so wonderful. She was behind me, and just put her hands firmly on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes in the mirror. No shock, no stupid platitudes, just silent, genuine empathy. The rest of the haircut was pretty quiet, but she did everything so... like, lovingly, and didn't make a big deal out of it when I cried a little.
A waiter asked me if my wife was pregnant once. She was just bloated from chemo side effects. Crushed me, so glad she didn't hear. She couldn't have had kids and she passed 2 years back.
Edit: I just wanted to say thanks to those who commented on this, it wasn't expected. We went to the place a lot so as a young couple he had seen over the years it was probably a reasonable thing to assume.
Also I'm doing ok, we knew she was terminal for most of our relationship, we probably did more in those few short years than we would have normally. It hurts a lot still but I know I have her everything I possibly could in that time. Just remember to live life like each day could be your last people, mend that broken friendship, ask out that girl, follow your dream. XXX.
I teach 1st grade and was talking about how I've been married for 5 years. One student asked, 'How could you not have a baby by now?' Not wanting to explain multiple miscarriages and IVF to a classroom of 6 year olds I said, 'Being around all of you makes my heart so full that I don't think I have room in my heart for a baby!!' They all smiled. I smiled too. I've learned from my experience to never ask couples when/if they want to have a family.
Previously, Bored Panda reached out to Lynn How, the author of “,” about the psychology behind asking and receiving questions like that. Lynn specializes in supporting parents, teachers, and children navigating through mental health issues and prevention. According to Lynn, it is always a good idea to think carefully before asking a question. “There are so many variables to consider, such as, is my question too personal? Do I know the person well enough to ask this question? Should I ask this question in private rather than in front of others? Do I really need to know the answer?”
When I was 13 my mom got a divorce from a man who I can only refer to as a “step monster”
I worked all summer to save up money since we didn’t have a lot and I was worried we wouldn’t have enough to pay the bills.
I ended up having a few dollars left over and wanted to buy my mom a gift and she mentioned she needed a new watch for her birthday.
I went to the jeweler and got a $100 gold Citizen Evo Drive watch. It was functional and it looked really nice.
When I gave it to her, her first response was “thanks honey, did it come in silver?”
I was crushed.
Insult to injury: she started dating a guy around the same time and he bought her a crappy silver watch. She ended up wearing his over mine
18 years later and it still hurts when I think about it.
Your unconditional love and all the heart felt beautiful gifts couldn’t buy her a soul because she was empty in the first place.
Just happened recently actually. A few years ago I had a pretty awesome life, I was married. My husband and I were trying to have kids and when I needed a car we just got me an SUV in anticipation for needing it for kids (he had two and we planned to have 2-3)
Well things didn’t work out and he ended up dying from drinking himself to death in January and between that and 2 miscarriages, an ectopic and an IVF cycle that failed I’m slowly coming to the realization that I’ll never be a mother. It’s painful to say the least.
The kid I nanny for was sitting in my car and we were discussing his day when he says 'nanny why do you have such a big car when it’s only you?' I wanted to cry right there on the spot, it just really stung. But instead I told him it was because I knew I would be watching him and I needed a car big enough for him which seemed to placate him and he then started discussing Batman with me.
My mom accidentally called me after about 10 years of not talking. I answered all ready for a serious conversation. When I answered, she was like 'wait, who's this?' I say 'hey mom it's me.' Her reply is what hurt.
Who? Why are you calling me mom?
She was so drunk she didn't recognize her own daughter's name. F**k'aye.
Heart breaking but maybe since the mom called while drunk, in her subconscious mind she might still want to mend the relationship with her daughter
Moreover, Lynn argues, some questions can easily be taken to be offensive or out of context, even if no offense was meant. “Sometimes well-meaning people can ask something and be surprised by the blunt response! Sometimes we answer the question politely but are secretly dying inside due to sadness or embarrassment.”
My son undergoing chemo and radiation treatment for a bone marrow transplant. People, meaning well of course, would always ask 'how's your son doing?' I'd always have to fake a smile and give some shallow hopeful answer 'he's fine. He's a fighter' but deep inside the question crushed me every time. No, he was suffering. Teetered on the brink of Life and death. He was not 'fine' and Everytime I heard that question I was reminded of it and had to swallow the pain. My son has since recovered, but it was a very tough time.
A genuine question- what should people ask? What question would be helpful? I know it would obviously not be the same for everyone... Edit- thank you so much for the responses!
I used to ask a friend in a similar situation "How are you doing? Is there anything you need?" Not sure if this is the right thing or not but I hope it helped. (Every once in a while there was something she needed help with and when I asked, she would accept.)
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I get that being asked such a question in that situation hurts. But I don't think anyone asking you that question while your son is battling cancer would expect a cheery "He's fine" answer. I know it's hard, but I think the best way to go is, to be honest. Don't be strong for the other person. Let them be strong for you. Let them help you, support you. There is nothing more devastating than losing a child. Don't waste your energy pretending that it is not.
The irony in your comment, Ritchat, is wasting energy. I know you mean well, but please don’t give advice on how people going through something like this should react, or that they should accept help. They *should* be strong or not strong or whatever they need that gets them through, which is often NOT wanting to deal with your questions. It is often MORE energy to deal with others’ need to “help.”
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This is why people are afraid to broach the subjects of death, and illness with others. They are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
My mother had ALS, which is the worst thing I have ever, ever seen (and I have seen a lot of terminal illness and death). People asked me “How is she doing?” ….I didn’t get angry or bitter about it—they genuinely cared. I gave them a brief and honest answer without burdening them too much, but everyone was incredibly gracious. I understand what this lady is saying, but most people do care, and ask because they care, and it is not their fault that others are sick, nor should one feel bitter that they’re not experiencing the same thing.
I wish I could give this 10 ticks. My mentality is not good enough to explain. I only know I feel
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My go-to is "is there anything I can do for you?" I suffer from chronic illnesses and I'm disabled, as is my boyfriend. We're both honest with eachother about how we feel and what we're going through. My best friend, who is friends with both of us texts us every day asking how we are; she and I get together every Saturday and have lunch, and she helps us with anything, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. She's priceless.
I find "How are things at your house today?" is neutral. I'm showing interest without asking specifically about her, or her sick family member, or whatever I know is a sorrow for her right now. Sometimes the person will choose to talk about her own pain, or talk about how someone else in the family is doing, or that her child was just accepted to the college they wanted to attend, or about some goofy thing their dog did yesterday. Leave it wide open and they can choose to engage about whatever they need to. Including "today" makes it specific enough that she doesn't feel like she has to summarize her and her family's whole situation, which can be exhausting.
I have a friend who has a bad case of cancer, that luckily currently doesn't grow. She hates being asked ... I wanna know what to expect. I ask about once a year and let it rest then, we agreed on that ... and if it gets worse quick, she'll tell me. As long as it is just an annual question, it doesn't really have any impact ... I hope it will remain so.
I hadn't lost the weight after a pregnancy when my son died and my Dr secretary asked me if I was pregnant again..
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For me, the worst part was the staring and whispering. I know my kid is sick but I'd rather someone ask me what's wrong instead of looking at us with a mixture of sadness and pity. I didn't know if he'd live or die for 3 full years. (Once it looked gone, there.was a chance it would come back) It was such a horrible, dark time, and I feel like I operated on autopilot. Today, he's a happy, 18 yo young man, who is the kindest, most unassuming person I know. He's a brain tumor survivor and that is rare.
My son went through the same thing after relapsed leukemia...he was 2 when first diagnosed, and six when he relapsed. I understand the magnitude of your struggle. He is 36 now. I wish your son many, many, many wonderful birthdays
My mother has early onset Alzheimer's which is rapidly getting worse. People ask me how she's doing and I get the same feeling. I try to say something along the lines that she's doing well considering everything. What I can't say is that her mental faculties are fading quickly, that she hardly even recognizes me anymore, can barely communicate or take care of herself, that I have to feed her, etc. I appreciate that people are trying to reach out and sympathize but answering honestly brings tears to my eyes and the other person becomes uncomfortable quickly. So instead, I try to answer politely and vaguely enough that neither one of us gets uncomfortable.
I'm brutally honest and don't protect people from unthinking, dumb questions. Their shock at authenticity never ceases to amaze me. As if I've done something wrong by not protecting their feelings due to their own ignorance.
The operative word here is brutal. You are using honesty as a cover for being cruel. People asking a sincere question don't deserve to be answered with your "brutal honesty."
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Maybe we could just initiate: "I'm thinking of you during this difficult time."
Yeah, just never play the computer game "That dragon, cancer". Or maybe do. The experience will crush you. I see it's on Steam now, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Dragon,_Cancer
“Since when do you have a stutter?” -my mom
When I get extremely anxious I stutter a lot. My dad had been incredibly hard on me that day and I was holding back tears. It hurt me that my mom had never noticed it before and she seemed annoyed by it rather than concerned.
I grew up lower middle class and my parents had been severely injured by a drunk driver at the end of my 8th grade year and were disabled and no longer able to work. We basically had no money for school clothes but my mother tried to get me a few cool shirts.
I wasn’t a popular kid and most people didn’t really know much about me. In my freshman year of high school, one of the popular girls in my class asked, “don’t you have more than 3 shirts? I only ever see you in the same 3 shirts.”
High school in the 80’s in the United States sucked.
This is why school uniform exists. Saves kids from stuff like this, and saves parents time and money.
Moreover, there are many questions that are better left untouched. “There are a myriad of untouchable subjects that I've gleaned from various life experiences. I am certainly much better at question filtering than I was in my 20s. For example, having gone through fertility treatment, I would never ask someone why they were not pregnant yet because I know firsthand how upsetting it is.”
Other taboo subjects include weight, relationships, salary, and age. “Of course, when it's your best friend, you can ask more deep and meaningful questions in comparison to someone you have just met,” Lynn concluded.
I got asked why I wouldn't stand up straight for a photo. I have kyphosis and am standing up as straight as I can.
Someone jokingly asked me if I was high because my eyes were red. I had just been diagnosed with an eye disease and told I would go blind before 50. My eyes were red from my medicated eye drops and partially from crying. I was only sixteen and having a hard time coming to terms with it.
Sorry to read this, always wonder why people can be so incredibly insensitive.
"Why did you did you teach yourself how to shave"
My boss asked me when I missed a few spots when I was in work. We got into the topic of shaving properly. My father died when I was 12 of a heart attack. He wasn't really around enough or cared enough to be in my life. From when he left my mother when I was 5, she raised me until i was 18 and then thank god my step father came into our life. He married my mom and right after, took me to the court house and adopted me. I told him that it wasn't necessary since I was 18 and starting life as a man but he insisted that he wanted to be there for me until the day he passes away. I still cry till this day that a man who doesn't even have my blood, wants to be there for me for anything. I don't know where I would be without him. Him and my mom have been happily married for 10 years now!
"When will we dig up dad?" asked by my almost 5 yo son. He's never met him as dad died three months before birth. This goes along the question "when will dad stop being dead?".
Death is so hard to explain to children. Many years ago my son died, when my daughter was 5 years old. Despite trying to explain why her brother was now living in Heaven (can there be any explanation?), she still made up her dolls bed up for him and a jar of rice pudding (that he loved) in the fridge 'for when he came back'....
Specialist appointment and they did the normal thing of checking contact details. They asked if the contact number and details for my wife were still correct. I started crying - my wife passed away this time 12 months ago. Surprising how much one simple question asked in total innocence can bring you to your knee
I did that with a patient, today. I asked if the emergency contact person, [name], was still correct and the patient said “Oh, no - [name’s] in a nursing home now with profound dementia”. I’m so sorry, patient. I really, really am.
'I could never imagine getting cancer at such a young age. How are you this strong/brave/do you stay so positive?' - I’ve stopped counting the amount of people (especially working at the hospital, I’d expect a bit more sensitivity from them) that have asked me that. Yes I’m mid 20’s, but it’s not a choice that I’m 'staying strong.' it’s freaking survival. Every time someone asks me that, it feels like getting punched.
I always wanted to study psychology in college but my overbearing mother wouldn’t have that so I studied chemistry. In my last semester I took an abnormal psychology class just for fun and I crushed it, ending with a 99% average. After the final, my professor took me outside the classroom and said, “Why didn’t you major in psychology? You would have made a great psychologist.”
That really crushed my soul. I think about that day a lot
Rough night last night?' Usually asked with a big smile.
I was asked that all the time when I was younger because I had a really obvious tremor. Thing is, I did not drink or do drugs at all and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was eventually diagnosed with Graves' Disease and treated for it, but I still have a bit of a tremor.
Someone once asked me "don't you want to be a mom?" Yes, I do. But as I'm single, over 40 and not rich, that's probably not going to happen and it devastated me. I had to say "Yes, I'd love that", and then excuse myself to go home and cry.
Not that I think you should sacrifice yourself for some idiot, but maybe if you did cry straight away the idiot would realise that this is just not an appropriate question to ask anyone.
"Who do you want to list as your emergency contact?"
At the dentist's office a few weeks after my mom died and four years after my dad died. I felt like bursting into tears because, at 22 years old, I really didn't know.
I was a freshmen in High School in 1992-93. My high school science teacher asked me if I was ever jealous of my older brother(he was a senior). I was kind of confused.
She said, "You know, since he is so smart, popular, and just has everything going for him..."
First time I had ever, in my entire life, considered that people viewed my brother as better than me.
It has honestly kind of stuck with me. That was 26 or 27 years ago.
"So when are you going back for your master's degree?"
I was so proud of getting my bachelor's and had no intention of going back because how rough school was for me.
'When will you get better so you can play with us?' My niece who was to young to understand what disabled meant. She's older now and understands I will never get better. And we have adapted play time to do things i can handle as well. But that broke my heart.
Why don't you live with your parents?
I live with my grandparents because I didn't want to live with my abusive stepmoms on both sides of the family. They all live down in Texas while I'm in Colorado. Still hurts a little when people ask, though.
Not a question but my 8 year old niece once remarked "you don't laugh anymore".
Edit: this was over a year ago when I was having a rough time but I'm doing much better now. Thank you all for your support and for sharing your stories. I wish you all the best.
Thanks again for the gold kind strangers xx
“How’s your brother doing? Haven’t seen him in a little while.” He passed away 2 years ago. That wasn’t very fun
'How are you handling everything?' - my notary public who also happens to be my boss's boss while notarizing my divorce paperwork. Completing a divorce packet with no help from an attorney can be a real pain, but at least it kept me focused on the bureaucratic bullsh*t nonsense part of it rather than the fact that my 9 year marriage was ending. Turned out that as soon as someone asked me sincerely how I was doing, the answer was not at all well. I went back to my desk and had a panic attack.
“so why did you decide to take year off school right now?”
I‘m a pre med student only half way though undergrad, so i get that it’s a weird time to take time off school. But i don’t think my new coworkers realize how personal of a question that is. I can’t tell them it’s because I was hospitalized for 2 weeks after trying to kill my self, jumped right back in to school the next semester, and then failed that miserably before realizing that i need to at least take a year off. so i say, “just really felt like i needed a break :)”
Discharged from Psyche ward during college (after 2 and a half months stay) Friday. Went back to college that Monday. Lasted a week before pulling out of the course as had projects due the following week!! Pressure not worth the paper cert at the end of it
Why don't you have any kids? Sometimes it really bothers me when people ask me this.
I had no friends in summer school and a girl asked me if I had any friends. Like straight up, 'Do you have any friends?' Then became friends with me but still.
This could get covered up but maybe it won't. My most heartbreaking question was
"And who did you used to play for?"
Background context. I come from a family of talented artists and musicians. As a child, I became a sort of music prodigy as I picked up music theory rather quickly along with instrument playing. I used to practice on this very old piano my granny (my great grandma on my dad's side) had. She would patiently listen to me plunk out tunes and became my music mentor.
I had recently been asked by my teacher a couple of get-to-know-you questions and I had said I played for my family but just one person made me better.
My granny passed away back in 2019, and it has been four years since she died on March 12.
I was very close to my granny and her death had hit me hard. Her death was the one who made me realize how little time I had with my loved ones. I ended up just offhandedly saying "My granny."
She asked about my granny and the questions made me uncomfortable before I told the teacher I was uncomfortable and that my granny had died. She just shrugged and continued to ask anyway. My least favorite was
"Did you play anything for her before she died?"
The answer is yes, I played her favorite hymnal but at this point I felt my anxiety act up and I walked out into my other teacher's classroom and told her about the incident. The nosy teacher ended up with a warning and had to give me an apology. Either way, those were some uncomfortable questions.
you most likely aren't looking for anything but, I am sorry. your grandmother sounds AWESOME. if you believe in the after life, maybe she and my grandfather are hanging out? my nana says that if there is thunder it is your loved ones bowling.
“You good?” I’ve been struggling with myself a lot lately, mostly relating to my gender identity and my body. Thank god the friend who asked that is willing to help me out with what I need.
Note: this post originally had 79 images. It’s been shortened to the top 32 images based on user votes.
I was unfortunately born with what people would call a "resting b*tch face". I just can't really get my face to emote that much. I know this is rude of me, but I've gotten so sick of hearing "Are you sick?" or "Are you mad?" from random people I've just started to say "Nope, just ugly."
People saying to me, 'You have two PhDs and you're a high school tutor?' Yes, and I don't even clear $800 a week and no, I don't want a 'proper' job because I can't handle being trapped in a place eight hours a day. And do I feel like a total failure? Yes, yes I do
You're not a failure! You're doing what you can and want to do and cannot compare that to anyone else. The Beatles - "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be" has always made me feel a bit better. Anyway, much love and have fun at your proper job!
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My brother was born deaf and hit by a car when he was five. When he was older he kept asking why it happened to him. He eventually died from his injuries but my heart is broken still.
I don't understand. Why do some posts get changed and some parts are cancelled? The post title was "people shared innocent etc" and now it's "30 people are sharing etc", and some of the "chapters" are missing and the comments to those are missing too. It's not the first time that's happened. Why is that? What's the point? It's getting very annoying at this point.
I always get asked "Why don't you work?" When I tell them I'm on disability, they ask me why because I'm young and healthy. Nope, I'm not. I have pain every day, need a wheelchair if I want to go to say an amusement park because I can't walk long distances, I have EDS. I hate it when people act so ignorant.
It's very hard to generalize like this. There are people who don't want questions asked. But then there are others who would cry that "nobody asked if I was okay!" It's a tough one to be sure, but we can only do what we hope is right in the circumstances.
About 6 months after my mother died, I met an older friend of hers who probably no longer lived nearby. She immediately asked me how my mother was doing. I have two children who were very attached to my mother and were still suffering greatly from the loss. I had to "be strong and function," which is why I couldn't really grieve at the time. I then had a "breakdown" after her question...without warning. The poor woman was clearly shocked and had no idea what was wrong with me... and I was too "upset" to explain anything. It was in the middle of the city and she took me to a coffee shop, sat me in a quiet corner and waited with me for almost an hour until I calmed down.
So many things we go through and keep to ourselves. Even if you can act like everything is better, it's very hard.
My mom and dad moved back to the states (military family) a year after I got married. She worked very hard to keep in touch with friends, but some just never responded. (1991, so snail mail). Four years later she died of melanoma. A few months afterwards I ran into one of her 'closest ' friends who asled me how she was. I looked her in the eyes and said dead, but you would have known if you'd kept in touch. I don't regret it.
This whole thread reinforces my effort to not ask questions any more. Completely unnecessary. I can express a feeling, or an interest without asking a question. I've come to see that questions put an expectation on the person being asked.
"Are you okay?" Is a big one for me, I'm very good at staying together but the second someone notices me enough to ask I WILL start sobbing
I have unfortunately lost 2 babies in late pregnancy after 34 weeks. Most terrifying experience I have ever been through. When at 20 I'm daughter was still born I had a wonderful midwife look after me she really knew how to care. Fast forward 9 years my son was still born and the very same lovely midwife walks into the room and says 'my god! Not you!' . She meant no harm at all but her words stick with me. I so very wish it wasn't me
I'd like to add one to the list. If a perfect stranger has some kind of injury, unless they are actually hurt in that moment and need your help, DONT ASK. As a coping mechanism for stress I used to scratch at my skin. I didn't know I was doing it when it was happening and would even do it in my sleep. So many people, complete strangers, would see bandages and ask what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it. I felt stupid. I felt crazy. My mother suggested I start replying with "my boyfriend beat me up again", just to see what happens. Were these people asking because they actually cared about me, a stranger? No. It's curiosity. Of course, I didn't actually give anyone that reply. Didnt want to make someone else feel stupid along with me. SO I usually made some kind of joke with an obviously made-up answer. Most of the time that let the asker know I didn't want to talk about it. Moral of the story; do not ask if its just curiosity, not genuine concern.
A few years ago my niece, who was 5 or 6 at the time, shot some rapid-fire ones at me: Aunty Sarah, how come you don't have kids? Aunty Sarah, how come you arent married? Aunty Sarah, why do you have a big belly? Aunty Sarah, blah blah blah.... All within about 5 minutes. Yikes! LOL I told her this years later and she said something like "did you want to punch me?" yep. Sure did kid. LOL
I first moved in the beginning of 2020 for my hubby's new job. A city I loved and made a life to a small town I hated. Then covid happened and the next year and a half was difficult. A life transition suddenly became difficult with no reference on how to cope. I had a job in tourism and the first summer was difficult with tourists not obeying, getting angry with things beyond my control, the threats. With everything, my depression came harder than ever before. By the time the next tourist season started, I asked for a month off to reset myself, I knew I wasn't doing well enough to continue without a break. I honestly thought it would help, but the last few days of my "holiday" I was searching for any reason not to come back, I wasn't ready. Because during my time away a new computer system was put in, the manager was hanging with me a few days, on the last day of new training she pulled me aside and asked if I was OK. I nearly lost it.
18 months of living here and nobody asked if I was OK before then. Nobody had noticed that I was struggling hard and could no longer separate my job from my problems. I wasn't ok. I handed in my keys that weekend, I wasn't ready to deal with covid tourists again and I couldn't ask them to let me leave for 3 more months. It's been almost a year and I finally feel ready to return to the work force. But only part time, time off discovered a physical issue as well.
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"Why are you working here?" I'd just finished my degree in linguistics and translation. Then the recession hit, where both my parents and my sister lost their jobs. I couldn't continue my education for licenses, but then, even licensed translators were now an unnecessary luxury thanks to budget cuts. After selling our home, we all moved in with the various relatives across the country, willing to take at least one of us in. I finally got a job at a bookstore, and to be clear, I loved it. I was a very good seller, and very social with customers. It was always the business-type individuals, button-down shirts, two cell phones, and polished shoes. They would stare incredulous at me, and ask that question, a painful reminder of a destroyed dream. I always kept my response simple, "Why? are you hiring?"
I was unfortunately born with what people would call a "resting b*tch face". I just can't really get my face to emote that much. I know this is rude of me, but I've gotten so sick of hearing "Are you sick?" or "Are you mad?" from random people I've just started to say "Nope, just ugly."
People saying to me, 'You have two PhDs and you're a high school tutor?' Yes, and I don't even clear $800 a week and no, I don't want a 'proper' job because I can't handle being trapped in a place eight hours a day. And do I feel like a total failure? Yes, yes I do
You're not a failure! You're doing what you can and want to do and cannot compare that to anyone else. The Beatles - "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be" has always made me feel a bit better. Anyway, much love and have fun at your proper job!
Load More Replies... My brother was born deaf and hit by a car when he was five. When he was older he kept asking why it happened to him. He eventually died from his injuries but my heart is broken still.
I don't understand. Why do some posts get changed and some parts are cancelled? The post title was "people shared innocent etc" and now it's "30 people are sharing etc", and some of the "chapters" are missing and the comments to those are missing too. It's not the first time that's happened. Why is that? What's the point? It's getting very annoying at this point.
I always get asked "Why don't you work?" When I tell them I'm on disability, they ask me why because I'm young and healthy. Nope, I'm not. I have pain every day, need a wheelchair if I want to go to say an amusement park because I can't walk long distances, I have EDS. I hate it when people act so ignorant.
It's very hard to generalize like this. There are people who don't want questions asked. But then there are others who would cry that "nobody asked if I was okay!" It's a tough one to be sure, but we can only do what we hope is right in the circumstances.
About 6 months after my mother died, I met an older friend of hers who probably no longer lived nearby. She immediately asked me how my mother was doing. I have two children who were very attached to my mother and were still suffering greatly from the loss. I had to "be strong and function," which is why I couldn't really grieve at the time. I then had a "breakdown" after her question...without warning. The poor woman was clearly shocked and had no idea what was wrong with me... and I was too "upset" to explain anything. It was in the middle of the city and she took me to a coffee shop, sat me in a quiet corner and waited with me for almost an hour until I calmed down.
So many things we go through and keep to ourselves. Even if you can act like everything is better, it's very hard.
My mom and dad moved back to the states (military family) a year after I got married. She worked very hard to keep in touch with friends, but some just never responded. (1991, so snail mail). Four years later she died of melanoma. A few months afterwards I ran into one of her 'closest ' friends who asled me how she was. I looked her in the eyes and said dead, but you would have known if you'd kept in touch. I don't regret it.
This whole thread reinforces my effort to not ask questions any more. Completely unnecessary. I can express a feeling, or an interest without asking a question. I've come to see that questions put an expectation on the person being asked.
"Are you okay?" Is a big one for me, I'm very good at staying together but the second someone notices me enough to ask I WILL start sobbing
I have unfortunately lost 2 babies in late pregnancy after 34 weeks. Most terrifying experience I have ever been through. When at 20 I'm daughter was still born I had a wonderful midwife look after me she really knew how to care. Fast forward 9 years my son was still born and the very same lovely midwife walks into the room and says 'my god! Not you!' . She meant no harm at all but her words stick with me. I so very wish it wasn't me
I'd like to add one to the list. If a perfect stranger has some kind of injury, unless they are actually hurt in that moment and need your help, DONT ASK. As a coping mechanism for stress I used to scratch at my skin. I didn't know I was doing it when it was happening and would even do it in my sleep. So many people, complete strangers, would see bandages and ask what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it. I felt stupid. I felt crazy. My mother suggested I start replying with "my boyfriend beat me up again", just to see what happens. Were these people asking because they actually cared about me, a stranger? No. It's curiosity. Of course, I didn't actually give anyone that reply. Didnt want to make someone else feel stupid along with me. SO I usually made some kind of joke with an obviously made-up answer. Most of the time that let the asker know I didn't want to talk about it. Moral of the story; do not ask if its just curiosity, not genuine concern.
A few years ago my niece, who was 5 or 6 at the time, shot some rapid-fire ones at me: Aunty Sarah, how come you don't have kids? Aunty Sarah, how come you arent married? Aunty Sarah, why do you have a big belly? Aunty Sarah, blah blah blah.... All within about 5 minutes. Yikes! LOL I told her this years later and she said something like "did you want to punch me?" yep. Sure did kid. LOL
I first moved in the beginning of 2020 for my hubby's new job. A city I loved and made a life to a small town I hated. Then covid happened and the next year and a half was difficult. A life transition suddenly became difficult with no reference on how to cope. I had a job in tourism and the first summer was difficult with tourists not obeying, getting angry with things beyond my control, the threats. With everything, my depression came harder than ever before. By the time the next tourist season started, I asked for a month off to reset myself, I knew I wasn't doing well enough to continue without a break. I honestly thought it would help, but the last few days of my "holiday" I was searching for any reason not to come back, I wasn't ready. Because during my time away a new computer system was put in, the manager was hanging with me a few days, on the last day of new training she pulled me aside and asked if I was OK. I nearly lost it.
18 months of living here and nobody asked if I was OK before then. Nobody had noticed that I was struggling hard and could no longer separate my job from my problems. I wasn't ok. I handed in my keys that weekend, I wasn't ready to deal with covid tourists again and I couldn't ask them to let me leave for 3 more months. It's been almost a year and I finally feel ready to return to the work force. But only part time, time off discovered a physical issue as well.
Load More Replies... "Why are you working here?" I'd just finished my degree in linguistics and translation. Then the recession hit, where both my parents and my sister lost their jobs. I couldn't continue my education for licenses, but then, even licensed translators were now an unnecessary luxury thanks to budget cuts. After selling our home, we all moved in with the various relatives across the country, willing to take at least one of us in. I finally got a job at a bookstore, and to be clear, I loved it. I was a very good seller, and very social with customers. It was always the business-type individuals, button-down shirts, two cell phones, and polished shoes. They would stare incredulous at me, and ask that question, a painful reminder of a destroyed dream. I always kept my response simple, "Why? are you hiring?"
